All language subtitles for Hooperman - S01E18 Me and Mr. Magoo

(somber music)

(knocking on door)
- Smith?

Good morning.
- Wrong.

- I think I can fix that.

- Wrong again.

- Bad hand, bad hand.

Am I walking into the end of a bad
night

or the beginning of a bad day?

- Both.
- Okay.

Is this a I don't wanna
talk about it, Hooperman

kind of thing or is it a--

- We have to talk about this.

- We, this is a we thing.

What did I do?

I mean whatever it is, I
probably have an explanation.

- There is the explanation.

- The table, you're upset with the
table,

you hate this table?

No, it's not the table, it's
what the table represents.

What does the table represent?

- Hooperman, are you blind, look.

- Oh.

Please tell me this is the
world's smallest winery.

- Are you this glib when a
felon is shooting at you?

- I don't know, I've never come up
against

a home pregnancy test before.

Are these things all that accurate?

- I'm sure this one is,
it just clarifies what's

been going on with me lately.

Irritable, queasy in
the morning, emotional

for no reason at all.

- I, I, I, I don't know what to say,

I mean I must be in shock.

This is so weird.

I feel like saying I'm sorry.

When we, didn't you use--

- Yes, of course I did!

The label guarantees 90% effective.

Here's the kicker, it's the same
company

that manufactures these,
I wonder which one

they make more money on.

- Susan, I think we should
talk about what we're gonna do.

- I am the one who's pregnant,
what am I going to do?

(gentle music)

Anyway, congratulations,
Hooperman, you're a father.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(cheerful music)

(cheerful music)

- Hope you have a blanket.

Somebody call the paramedics,

tell them to bring some cutters.

The kid just found him in an alley.

Evidently somebody jumped
him, maced him, bashed him,

stripped him and decorated him.

- You stick around, we're
gonna wanna talk to you.

- [Woman] Come on, Danny.

- Mister?

- Schryker.

- Did you get a look at who jumped
you?

- I don't wanna answer any more
questions,

now I just wanna get out of this thing!

I was screaming for help
all night long in here,

I didn't see one cop,
not even a patrol car.

It's too bad this didn't happen in front

of a doughnut shop.

- It's too early to even ask.

Don't worry, you're in good hands.

- Excuse me, sir, you're
probably still cold.

How does a nice cup of tea sound?

- Ridiculous, how am I gonna drink it?

- Well when you're free, don't be shy.

- Can you give us anything,
did you recognize the voice?

- I told you, I didn't hear anything

and I was unconscious most of the
time.

My ribs are broken, I can feel it.

- Here you go.

- Do you mind?

- What?

- You're checking me out, I saw you.

- Don't flatter yourself.

- Looks like someone had a
worst morning than I did.

- Paperboy found him in
an alley this morning

and wheeled him over here.

He claims he was maced,
beaten with a blunt object

and then spray painted. (laughs)

- Come on, Clarence, it's not
that funny, look at the guy.

- [Clarence] Yeah, I know, I know.

- Oh great.

- [Harry] It's not funny.

- [Clarence] Until you get
to the spray painted part.

- Hey-
- Hey-

What's with the spray paint?

- [Clarence] Damned if I
know, maybe it's gang related.

- [Bobo] It's not a robbery, they left
him

with his wallet.

- Just didn't have anywhere to put it.

- It's so weird.

- Maybe he's late on a
payment to his loan shark.

- For some reason, it
doesn't feel like that.

Somebody will get the
rest of his statement

out of emergency, maybe
that'll turn up something.

- Yeah, well, I'm gonna get some
coffee.

- You just poured yourself a cup.

- So I did.

- He's starting to crack.

It's always the well adjusted
ones that crack first.

(gentle music)

- [Reid] Hooperman, how you doin'?

- Hi...

- Reid.

- I know, so you're on your way out?

- Yeah, I guess I am.

- Good, I mean have a good
day, nice actually nice night.

- I'll try, so long, Hooperman.

- So long, Reid.

- Hooperman.

Susan says you're a good man.

- I try to be.

- I hope so.

She is a great girl.

- The best.
- Yeah.

(knocking on door)

- Come on in.

- How are you?

- Oh I'm about two months
pregnant according to Dr. Adams.

I decided to go for a second opinion.

One that didn't come
in a box, how are you?

- I don't know, I spent the day in a
haze.

- Tell me about it.

- I ran into Reid, he
looked good as usual.

Dressed up like he was
headed to some place special,

special enough to take you.

- It didn't work out.

- That's too bad, I'm sorry about that.

- No, you're not.

So now that the initial
shock wave as passed,

I imagine it's time for us to sit down

and deal with this situation.

- Why do I have the feeling
like I'm at the start

of the Leonard Hearns fight?

Do you blame me for this?

Is that what it is?

- I don't blame you, I blame us.

- Why do we have to blame?

This is our situation, but it
doesn't have to be our fault.

This is a bad start.

- I don't know what you've
been thinking about all day

but have you even considered the fact

that I may not want to have this baby?

- Shouldn't I have a say about this
too?

Assuming--

- Assuming what?

- Assuming--

- Assuming it's yours?

That's what you were going to say.

- We can't ignore, I can't ignore it,

you yourself said we don't own each
other.

You see other people.

- I don't see other people!

I see Reid, he is a friend.

- A pretty good friend from what I say.

- You can't see past your own ego!

God, you are the most
maddening human being.

- We're not handling this well, are we?

- No.

I've got a system full of extra
hormones,

what's your excuse?

- There's a very good
possibility that I maybe an idiot

but one with redeeming values.

Almost everyone I know
has told me that I'd make

a very good father.

- I don't know what to do,
this is tearing me apart.

- You're not gonna do this for me?

I can't believe you're
not gonna do this for me.

- I didn't go to my own
high school reunion,

why would I wanna go to yours?

- As a favor to me, your
partner, your friend,

your confidante, your confidante
who's in desperate need

of a companion for the
most important event

of her adult life.

- If that is true then your adult life

is in serious trouble.

- Come on, Silardi, you
want me to beg, I'll beg.

- You already have?

- I'll do it some more.

I already bought a major
dress, I can't show up alone,

I don't wanna answer those questions.

Still single?

Haven't found a fellow?

Wanna meet my cousin who just
graduated

from trucking school?

- Mo, forget it, I feel like a prop.

- So?

- So, that's just one step up from
being

an inflatable doll.

- One night, is one night gonna kill
you?

Not even a night, four hours,
five if the band is good.

- Mo, I went to that
family wedding of yours,

it was a disaster.

There's no way I'm going to this thing

even if the band is Bon Jovi.

- All right, all right, fine.

I'll give you $500.

- Get out of here.

- From what the other precincts tell
us,

the victims have no common link.

The only constant here is the peculiar
MO.

- Go figure, I thought our
friend in the shopping cart

was just a one shot.

- So did I but then I was talking to
Brady

over at Mission, I passed the
story along as a curiosity.

He's had two in a week, he
told me one at Golden Gate,

ours is number four.

- No robberies reported?

A serial basher, this might be a first.

- Let's do everything we
can to find a connection,

a reason, this man is dangerous.

Pull Pritzger in to coordinate
with the other precincts.

- Maybe these people are
stealing shopping carts

and some market chain has hired a hit
man.

- Save the humor for the
department newsletter.

- Yes ma'am.

- I don't wanna find another
naked man in my precinct.

(chattering)

- We started off laughing
about this, remember?

- This is weird, man.

- That guy's banged up pretty bad.

The paramedics think he
might not make it to General.

- DeMott, did he see anything?

- Nope, he just reported it.

We had to give him a bottle
before he would tell us

where the guy was.

- That's a great thing about this job,

you get to meet so many
colorful characters.

- Looks like we might jump from
assaufl

and battery to murder.

(somber music)

_ I got it!

' Got m

McNeil, Pritzger, breakthrough time.

Our victims do have something in
common.

_ Yep-

- I was reading the reports
in my meditation cubicle

and I happened to check out
a few of the home addresses,

you're really bored when you do that,

but out of boredom came insight.

All these guys got hit
within blocks of their homes.

- He gets excited about
the most amazing things.

I could've stayed at my desk to hear
this.

- The fact that all of them
got it near their house

is too much of a coincidence.

Someone knows where they live,
someone is stalking them.

- He's gotta be picking them at
random.

They don't work at the same job,

they got different economic
stratas, different cultures,

different colors.

- So he's an equal opportunity psycho.

- Outside of this address
thing, I don't see any way

to link 'em up.

- But there is, Bobo, we are the cops.

We are the keepers of
the dirt, the smudge,

the embarrassing secrets.

Over there in the computers
are bytes and megabytes

full of folks who did a nasty.

- Our victims aren't criminals.

- You never know.

You look like a guy who teaches metal
shop

and yet you're a policeman.

How come you never do files?

- Because you always do
them and you love it.

Your eyes kind of smile when
you're going through them.

- McNeil, your partner could
very likely be a genius.

I think I've got our connection.

Look all of our bruised
and battered were reported

in child abuse inquires
by either St. Anne's

or St. Francis Hospital.

- It has to be a hospital,
I hate hospitals,

I hate being in hospitals.

- You like nurses, don't you?

(easygoing music)

- Hi, I'm sorry I took so long.

There was only one name on your list

that came through here
during the current year.

I had to go to the basement to find
these

and it was freezing down there.

- Do you play softball?

- Yeah, since I was a kid,
I have a bunch of brothers,

it was my one concession
of the tomboy syndrome.

- Do you remember any of
the people in these files?

- No, there's so much
traffic through here.

You know, you can imagine.

Listen, I've got to go,
but you can use my desk,

you can photocopy those if you need.

- Thanks so much.
- Sure.

- Clarence, Clarence, look what I got?

Why should you, look what you got.

- Are you sure it was a baseball bat?

A minute ago you said you were
maced.

- I am a victim, why am I being
questioned

like I'm a suspect?

Do you think I chained
myself to a shopping cart?

- We're just trying to
piece together the facts.

- I gave you the facts.

I know a baseball bat, I have two
sons,

I saw it coming at me,
what more do you want?

- What about this perfume?

- I distinctly remember
smelling a woman's perfume.

I don't know what brand it
was, but I know it's a scent

I can't afford.

- So you're saying you
were attacked by a woman?

- I don't know if it was a woman or a
man,

I just smelled perfume.

Can I go now?

- Is there anything else
you want to tell us?

- I told the other officers everything.

- Okay, you can go now, thank you.

- I hope you catch the bastard.

- I hope so too, soon.

- I told you to wait in the car.

You didn't have to bring him in.

Come on, Bobby.

(somber music)

- DeMott, check it out, be
still my foolish whatever.

You are styling, is this the
high school reunion drag?

- Yeah, I wanted to
accessorize with like a guy,

but I guess you can't have everything.

- Don't worry, Mo, you
will rock the house, hot.

- There gonna be any food at
this reunion, I'm starving.

- You're gonna go, you're the best.

Is this what you're wearing?
- Yeah.

- Are you sure you don't
wanna rethink that tie?

- V\/hat's wrong with this tie?

- It's all right, you could do better.

- This is a good tie,
it's my favorite tie.

- Then I guess it'll have to do.

The lights in the gym
aren't too good anyway.

- I'm doing you a favor,
you're gonna heckle my tie?

- [Mo] I just want you to
make a good impression.

- Juanita, hi it's Susan, is mom there?

Another cruise.

How long?

How are you?

I hope you're taking your
blood pressure pills.

You're lying, I can tell.

You're probably still
taking that concoction

your cousin makes.

Please have mom call me
as soon as she gets home.

Thanks, bye.

Here, Bij, come here, baby.

(solemn music)

- [Harry] Hello.

- [Nurse] Inspector Hooperman.

- [Harry] Hi, it's me again.

- How goes the hunt?

- Successful, unfortunately.
- Unfortunately?

- I hear that you are the major stick

on the St. Francis team.

One of your teammates described
your swing

as what did she say?

Something like a marriage
of precision and power.

(laughing)

I'd bet if I looked in your
purse, I'd find a can of mace.

- Is that unusual?

- No, unless we find some cans
of spray paint in your house

OI' YOLII' car.

You don't strike me as a
person who particularly enjoys

breaking the law.

I think you get more anguish
out of it than satisfaction.

- Mm, I wanted those people,
the people who got away

with it, the people who are
allowed to keep inflicting

damage on these beautiful,
innocent children.

I wanted them to know what it feels
like,

what a broken bone feels like.

Awounded eye, a mangled little hand.

I thought if they felt it once,

they might stop inflicting it.

- A man is in critical
condition and may die

because of your activism.

Feels more like vengeance to me.

- When you're a small child,
you become so terrified

and confused when the person
that you love and trust

begins to hit you and
keeps hitting you hard,

so very hard and somewhere

in your little three year old mind,

you're trying to figure out what you did

to make him hate me so much.

- Your father?

Maybe you should tell
someone you're leaving.

We can handle the
procedural stuff in the car.

- Okay-

Thank you.

You're right, I don't
feel much satisfaction.

But I'll tell you
something, I can't locate

any remorse either, I'd do it again.

- Okay, Hooperman, just go
down there, state your case,

don't get emotional, don't start a fight,

just say your piece, drink
champagne and then lay

a major guilt trip on her.

Just kidding.

You wanna be a part of this?

- Hi.

- [Harry] I was just
coming down to see you.

- I was just coming up to see you.

- Well come up in then.

This is for you, for us, to make up,

to maybe celebrate?

I just feel bad about yesterday.

- Me too, look about Reid--
- Listen.

- No, I want you to
know that seeing someone

does not necessarily mean being with
them.

- You don't have to explain,
but I'm glad you did.

See, one blue, one pink, we're
covered.

- How cute, I just went with
a neutral colored ribbon

and a non-alcoholic beverage.

- Right, no alcohol.

So that means--

- Yeah, I can't give this baby up.

- Did you hear that
Bijoux, you're an aunt.

- Why don't we celebrate
our little Hooper Smith?

- I'll get the glasses.

- You know I closed the
case today, it was tied

into child abuse and you
know it made me realize

just how important it is for good
people,

I mean people who would make good
parents

to have children.

To make up for all those other creeps.

- Let's drink to that.

- Whoa!
- Hooperman!

- Hey, whoa, here's to the
best and wettest parents

currently on the planet.

Down the hatch.
- Down the hatch,

down the shirt.

- Come on, I will mop you.

Oh god, let me get this.
- I don't believe this.

Sticky.
- Now look.

I know this may sound a little
impulsive

but no I'm not gonna say it,
I'm not gonna say it not now.

- Go ahead, I am in the
mood to be impulsive.

- Why don't you and I take
a drive up to the coast

and find a little bed and breakfast
place

and then we'll walk along the windy
beach,

hunt for antiques, get married,
take a lot of pictures.

The hunting for antiques thing
kind of ruined it for you

I can tell.

- Hooperman, I don't want to get
married.

- Smith, we're having a child.

- You don't have to be
married to raise a child.

- Come on, Smith, only rock
and roll people do that.

Besides, the kid has
got to have a last name.

How's he gonna get in
the yearbook if he just

Qoes by Ralph?

- Actually I was thinking
if it's a boy, Ashley.

- Ashley, the kid will get
beaten up everyday of his life

at school if he goes
with a name like that.

Even the girls will smack
him around, come on.

Why don't you wanna get married?

- I'm not ready.

- Yes, you are, damn it.

What do I have to do to convince
you?

- I don't know, you have nine
months to think of something.

(easygoing music)