Original subtitles

(phone ringing)

- [Man In Suit] Coming through!

- [Officer Mo] Clear a desk and we'll lay him down!

- [Male Officer] He's heavi1 er than he looks.

- [Officer Mo] Unconsciousness puts on 10 pounds.

- Floyd, Floyd, rise and shine.

Wake up.

Floyd!

He's out.

- Get some smelling salt, I'll get some cold water.

- Why don't we just dip him in the toilet, that way he can

wake up at home.

- Question guys, why is Floyd Kelson lying on my desk?

- Ask Mr. Sandman, he put him to sleep.

- Hey-

- What happened Pritzger?

- I don't know.

I was bookin' him, he kept askin' for you.

He was gettin' impatient.

He was uncooperative.

There was the commotion, and he fainted.

What does he want with me?

- He wouldn't say.

He seemed pretty worked up about it though.

- [Officer Mo] Okay everybody, cover me.

(panting)

- Hooperman, you're a dead man.

- Yeah I've seen you look better too, Floyd.

- Still a wise ass.

I got some news that's gonna change that chipmunk

personality of yours.

Might even keep you alive.

- What is it?

- I ain't talkin'.

Tip like this ought to be worth somethin'.

Maybe like droppin' them circumstantial burglary charges

you got against me.

- Remember me?

\/\/ant a little dose of deja vu?

- Okay, maybe I'll talk 'cause I'm a nice guy.

Old friend of yours just got out of the joint.

Lucius Cain.

- [Pritzger] Hey!

Come on, come on!

Get him outta here!

- Lucius Cain, that psychopath threatened to kill you.

- Yeah he did do that, didn't he?

- Guy's a maniac.

- Remember after he was sentenced he gave me the finger?

- Lot's of people have done that.

- Yeah but he cut his off and sent it to me in the mail.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(calm music)

- Cain hasn't shown up.

None of his buddies are talkin'.

They just walked out of that prison and disappeared.

Now maybe you better stay at my place until we can

track him down.

- You really think the guy'd be dumb enough to risk going

back to prison just to get some revenge on a guy who was

only doing his job?

- [Bobo] Yeah I do.

He's not dumb he's nuts and I don't think club fed

changed him any.

- And you remember the trial.

How long was he choking you before we pulled him off?

- I'm planning on being careful and taking all

the necessary precautions.

- [Bobo] That's okay if you're thinkin' about safe sex.

With guys like that, you've got to do unto them before they

do unto you.

Ha“ a dozen guys...

Hey!

Half a dozen guys, a hefty bag, some baseball bats and

improvise from there.

You know what else I'd do?

- What?

- [Bobo] I'd sleep with a shot gun and get a bigger dog.

- Why is that?

- [Bobo] Hooperman?

- Silardi.

" [BObO] Aw, jeez.

(toilet flushes)

- Hooperman, I just want you to know that my prayers are

with you and

I'm sure that if it came down between you and Mr. Cain

in the Lord's eyes he'd choose you.

- Thank you, Bushkin.

- But you can't have too much protection, so I want you

to carry this.

- Oh,

It's beautiful.

- It's more than that.

It oscillates in harmony with the beauty of the universe,

creating an aura of protection against all that is evil.

I imagine that includes Lucius Cain.

- Yes, that's his category.

- But if for some reason

he penetrates you aura, you can grab him and jam this

right where it hurts.

- I'll treasure it.

- Hooperman, McNeil, Pritzger, in my office.

(police siren)

- This sting operation has already cost twice as much as you

said it was going to, and now you want another $5,000 to

finish the job?

- Well if we underestimated the initial capitalization

requirements, it's because fencing stolen property is a

very competitive business.

On a positive side we're developing a lot of credibility

within the criminal community.

- The word is out.

I think it's just a matter of time before the truck

hijackers pay us a visit.

- And after the stuffs released as evidence, whatever isn't

returned goes into the police auction.

I got my eye on a widescreen TV.

And we took in a microwave yesterday that you

should look at.

Got its own meat thermometer.

- You've got one more week.

And this goes without saying but I'm gonna say it anyway.

If this comes back to bite me in the pockets I will return

the favor with extreme prejudice.

Have a nice day.

Hooperman, one more thing.

- Yes, Captain?

- Lucius Cain.

- Well how many cons ever make good on their threats?

- Enough to worry about, Hooperman.

Officially there's not a lot we can do, but unofficially

we take care of our own.

Do you wanna tail on him or a stakeout at your apartment?

- That's not necessary Captain.

- Well it's your call.

All the same, nobody'd blame you if you went away.

Take a few days.

- What would you do?

- I'd get the hell out of town.

(apprehensive music)

- Why can't McNeil work the camera?

I always have to do it.

- You're good with the camera.

- Besides you cannot work this end.

You look like a cop.

- In these clothes?

- Pritzger, in the nude you look like a cop.

- This isn't fair I hate that little closet.

(knocking)

- Uh-Oh.

We got customers.

Show time.

- Hey-

Macho gracias.

Alright, alright, dudes, check this out.

Now I can get you 20 of these at only 50 grains a pop.

Now you cannot beat that price for this kind

of quality merchandise.

See I only deal in quality.

- Yeah we know, we seen your commercials.

(chuckles)

50 bucks, huh?

Does it work?

- Yeah, of course it works.

What's the matter, don't you trust me?

- V\/hat's the temperature of this merchandise?

- Oh it's chilly my man, very cool.

See, my cousin picks these up at the county press,

they'll never miss it.

- Give you $10 for it.

- What?

$10?

For the latest Japanese miniature technology?

Wait a minute, just look at the features on this bad boy.

Now this has got digital MTS dolby stereo, simulcast

capabilities, with cable ready tuner.

$10?

(beeping)

Oh, I see the problem here.

You can't no kind of quality reception without an antenna

on the roof.

- It's not a TV it's a heart monitor.

- A heart monitor.

Yeah I knew that.

(door squeaking)

(fretful music)

(dog barks)

- Smith!

' [3usan] Hi!

- Hi.

(dog growling)

- You forgot to pick up Bijoux.

- Oh, yeah I'm sorry.

Hi Bij.

- Oh.

- Why don't you put her down there.

- Okay-

- What's with the

Jane Fonda look?

- I just joined a gym.

I'm gonna go workout.

- Oh, yeah.

Workout, right, mhm.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- There's no workout.

It's more like checkout, takeout, make out.

You know, your basic meat-market.

- As a matter of fact, Hooperman, it's called

Le Meat Market.

We just oil our bodies, slide around the juice bar and

you know, mingle.

- You know you're not that far off.

Smith, you're gonna spend all your time fighting off a

bunch of moosed up hard body guys trying to hit on you.

What kind of fun is that?

- You're right.

I can't imagine what I must've been thinking.

So, hey, Hooperman, why don't you come with me?

You can use a little toning up.

What's this?

- What's what?

- This?

Is this a bullet proof vest?

- Well let's see, what else can it be?

- Nothing.

- You're right it is a bullet proof vest,

How did that get... - Why are you

wearing this?

- It's a long story and you're late for Jane Fonda.

- Hooperman.

As you have brought up on numerous occasions, my most

annoying quality is that I am relentless.

So you can tell me now, an hour from now, or at three

in the morning but you're going to tell me, so you might

as well do it.

- Right, you're right.

You have a right to know.

I'm field testing a new prototype for the department.

- That is a crock.

- Sounded good to me.

- Hooperman.

- Okay-

(bell ringing)

(apprehensive music)

(dog barking)

Who is it?

- [TJ] Neighbors!

- [Johnson] Tenants.

- [Rudy] Rudy.

Bijoux.

Look, if this is about the light bulbs, you know what

time it is?

- No, Mr. Hooperman, sir, it isn't.

Go on Johnson.

You're head of the tenants' committee.

- Tenants committee?

When did we get a tenants' committee?

- Well, just as of very recently, indeed.

And

I'm the dully elected spokesman.

- Look, if you have any complaints, I've told you my door

is always open.

- Mother, please.

Again, no that's

not why we're here.

You see, this impromptu delegation has...

- Get to it, Johnson.

- Very well.

It concerns the threat on your life by Lucius Cain.

- How do you know about Lucius Cain?

- T.J.

- The buzz on the street, man.

- Wait this is a major city, where'd you pick up that

kind of buzz?

- When you push the hack around this town you get to

hear it all.

People have a way of opening up when they're talking to a

back of a man's head.

- What?

- Smith told me.

She told us to look out for suspicious persons.

Johnson?

- Now believe me when I say,

we all know what a wonderful job you do as a police officer

and we all feel very safe having an officer of your caliber

as a landlord.

Don't we feel safe?

- Oh yeah.

- Yes.

- Very safe.

- You see, we do.

We feel safe and we most certainly wanna continue to feel

safe but with a psychotic desperado like this Cain fellow

gunning for revenge, gunning for you, well,

we've been forced to develop a plan of emergency action.

- And what would that plan be?

- Well, the general consensus of opinion is

that basically

you move out.

- Me move out?

- [Female Tenant] Right.

Yeah.

The dog too.

- You all feel that way?

- [Tenants] Mhmhm.

(concerned music)

(street sounds)

(street sounds)

- Look me in the eye.

Look me in the eye, DeMott, tell me you really won that.

- I won it in a church raffle.

- What church?

Think fast, DeMott, come on.

Pick a guy's name and put saint in front of it.

- Hooperman,

I don't get you.

I get this three day package to Reno, with $40 worth of

free chips, I can't use it, I give it to you and you're in

my face about it.

- Come on, Hooperman.

Who wouldn't wanna get out of town for a couple

of days free?

Especially when there's someone trying to kill you.

- It's certainly good incentive to be somewhere else.

Besides, think of it this way, you never know.

You might win at the tables.

- You guys paid for this, right?

- Yeah.

- Well I appreciate it and I love you for it but you really

shouldn't spend all your money on me.

$59?

You spent $59, that's all my life is worth?

- Well, you're not actually in Reno, you're a little

out of town.

- It's a really nice motel.

Wait til you see the brochure.

In the lobby they've got the largest stuffed polar bear

in North America.

- Yo, Hooperman.

Let's hit it.

- Thanks but you've gotta get your money back.

I'm not going anywhere.

Really.

Look, I don't want these guys to take all the credit

for busting those hijackers.

I'm gonna be alright.

I got my gun, I got my bullet proof vest and I got this.

Onward.

(jazz music)

Are you crazy?

Take a look around, what do you see?

TV's, stereos, cameras.

That's what sells.

We can't move what you got.

- But it's a bargain at a hundred bucks.

That's 20 pounds worth of Maine lobster.

It's on the menu for 260 bucks.

Of course that includes your choice of soup or salad,

garlic bread, and dessert.

- Trust me on this one, there's not a big

demand for crustaceans.

~ $90?

- Get out of here.

- Wait a minute.

I'll give you 50.

- Ben apeflt.

(sighs)

- What if we get hungry?

- Closet, Bobo.

- Come on, we'll still make the daily double.

- Hi, how you doin'?

- Okay-

- That's quite an inventory you've got there.

- We can move anything with an antenna.

- I think I know you guys.

Where you from?

- We're new in town.

- What do you wanna lay off?

(clears throat)

- Let's talk hypothetical.

- Okay-

What might you be laying off?

- Suppose a fella needed to liquidate some Korean VCR's.

- What kind of volume are we hypothecating?

- Might be three gross, new in the box.

- That might be enough to fill an 18 wheeler.

- If it were, we might throw that in.

- We might be able to handle that but not today.

- What if a fella were to find his way back here tomorrow?

- He might walk away with some serious green.

- So, maybe tomorrow then?

- It's up to you.

That's our trophy.

That's the guy we want.

We found our hijacker!

- We're bad!

_ oh yeah!

- Yeah, we bad!

" OW!

Give me some...

Bobo, drop the butter!

- So I told my friend about your background, of course I

had to embellish a little bit.

- Bijoux work with me, we're almost done.

- Anyway, they're looking for a new director of security

for this multinational conglomerate.

Head offices are right here in the Bay area and he thinks

you'd be perfect.

Now, the job pays something like $50,000 a year, full

medical, dental, paid vacation, and best of all nobody

trying to kill you.

- Sounds boring.

- At least you'll live to complain about it.

- Listen, I've had plenty of other opportunities.

Some better, some not as good but the reason that I stay

on the force is because

I like what I do.

To protect and serve.

I know it sounds like it came from a needle point pillow

but it feels right for me.

- So you're not even going to talk to my friend?

- Do you know what would happen if I were to leave

the police force?

This city would collapse

into total anarchy (chuckles)

within hours.

It would become a lawless wasteland.

Now listen.

I have never told anyone this before but, see, I'm not from

here, I mean this planet.

- That I believe.

- No, I'm from Krypton.

Superman beat me because I had to fly economy and I can

see through your blouse.

(knocking)

Here, you finish the tail.

(laughter)

Rudy.

- If Lucius Cain wants you he's going to have to

get passed me.

I'm your backup.

- What you got there, Rudy?

Hey wait a minute, you're not supposed to have...

(gun cocks)

Where'd you get that?

- Charlie.

- Charlie?

- Nam.

- You were in Vietnam?

- Sargent in the Marine Corps.

I don't like to talk about it.

I'll cover the window.

You can take the door.

- I'll make some tea.

- [George] This is five George 45.

Suspect sounds like your Lucius Cain.

6'4, 210,

about 55.

- [Female Officer] Negative five George, Cain's 35.

Thanks for the good eye.

J1 I do not know fate awaits me

J1 I only know I must be brave

J1 And I must face a man who hates me

J1 Or lie a coward

J1 In my grave

(laughter)

- Have a good day boys.

Oh, no.

" [BObO] Oh jeez.

- Everything.

They took everything.

- My widescreen TV.

_ Oh, snappy-

- The Captain is gonna kill us.

- It's no sign of forced entry, how'd they do it?

- I figure the lobster let 'em in.

We're dead meat.

- Look, we all know Stern puts up a rough facade but that's

just her management style.

Underneath I really think she's a compassionate,

sensitive and...

- Vindictive woman.

- Face it Hooperman, you can't step in a bucket of manure

and walk away with a shoe shine.

- I take full responsibility.

The whole thing was my idea.

- Come on, we're in this together.

- Let's don't throw out Hooperman's idea

without a discussion.

- No, I'm taking back my idea.

I gotta be honest with you.

I can't face it alone.

I'm not as noble as I thought I was.

- I gotta make a pit stop.

- Roxanne.

Charlene.

Rosalita.

Oh yeah.

No use for losing any sleep over this.

- Hurt yourself.

(laughter)

- Hello, is this seat taken'?

- Yeah, actually my friends were sitting there they'll

be right back.

- Cure ale please.

- 50"'!-

- You come here often?

- No not really.

- You're looking very well, Hooperman.

- Do I know you?

- You sent me to prison.

- Lucius Cain.

- That's right.

- You won't get away with it.

My partners are here, do you understand?

You won't leave this bar alive.

- We'll see about that.

- Anything happens to me, you are suspect number one.

Won't take them to minutes to figure out that disguise.

- Does that feel like a disguise to you?

- No,

actually...

- I had it done in prison.

- Sex change?

- Just the top part so far.

I'm gonna get the rest done when I can find a job and

save some money.

But I wanted to see you first.

- If you kill a cop...

- lfl wanted to kill you

I could do it anytime.

Now this is something I have to do now before I became

a complete woman.

- What you're planning on doing to me,

is it

a fate worse than death?

- I wouldn't think so.

- Would I?

- Hooperman,

in the joint I had a lot of time to think about my life

and with therapy I realized why I was powerless to control

my antisocial behaviors.

You see, I was a woman trapped in a man's body.

If it hadn't been for you I would've never known that.

I came to thank you.

- I don't know what to say.

And if you gave me four days to think of something I still

wouldn't know what to say.

- All that anger.

All that violence left me when I realized what

my problem was.

Unfortunately I realized in the first four months of my

sentence, I still have many long years to spend

in that very rough

and very musty cell.

So, you can see why I might still have a little pocket

of anger left to process.

(crashing)

- Before I do what I have to do,

do you have anything to say on your own behalf?

McNeil?

- Just that we all know that you are a compassionate and

understanding human being Captain

- Dully noted.

Hooperman?

- Well Captain, I think we might be able to make a silk

purse out of this sow's ear.

We have some really good leads on who robbed the warehouse.

- Really?

- For one thing, we know they don't like seafood.

- Pritzger?

- I got nothin' to say

except that I stand on my record as a police officer

and a veteran of the United States Navy who distinguished

himself during the Cold War.

- Fine.

The legal services section wanted to sue all three of you

for mispheasants and negligence to loss of city property.

- Aw jeez.

The whole thing was Hooperman's idea.

He even admitted it to us.

- In your defense, I pointed out the publicity from the

lawsuit would reflect poorly on the entire department.

- Good thinking, Captain.

- And we arrived at a compromise.

You are volunteered for extra duty.

Unpaid overtime starting this weekend.

- Thank you, Captain, that's fair enough.

- Thank you.

- Appreciate that.

No problem here.

- Thank you.

(door slams)

(brakes screech)

(pleasurable music)

(pleasurable music)

(crunch)

(triumphant music)