All language subtitles for Hooperman - S01E13 The Snitch

(eerie music)

- Does this bother you
guys, or is it only me?

I mean, look at us.

We're babysitting a bunch of stiffs.

- What kinda creep steals from the
dead?

- Obviously someone who
can't handle confrontation.

- Probably some junkie.

- This place is making me
hyperventilate.

- What are you so squeamish about?

You've seen more corpses than
1O med students put together.

Show him the guy.

- No! But this is different.

Maybe it's the nauseous flower smell,

or the way they make these
guys look like, you know,

wax fruit.

(knock, knock)

- No offense Seymour.

Get down.

(creaking door)

(soft footsteps)

Police!
(shriek)

Drop it, don't drop it.

Hang onto it but don't move.

- I'm telling you right now
this broad is not our man.

- Let's have it.

- He's mine.

He spent his whole life with his wife,

and now he's gonna
spend some time with me.

- We'd love to hear all about it,

but this really isn't the place,
so handover the urn, okay?

(rattling)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(mellow horn music)

Smith, I'm back.

I hope you didn't eat too much dinner.

I brought us a romantic midnight
snack,

champagne and donuts.

It may not sound romantic,
but the champagne

will take care of that.

(dog whining)

Hi Bij.

Where'd you hide that Smith woman?

Hi. Oh, hun, what's a matter?

You've been crying haven't you, hey.

- It's Johnny Big, they're not going

to publish my novel.

- What happened, I thought they loved
it?

- The publishing company was bought
out

by one of those conglomerates.

It's now a division of Cynthia Foods.

They don't like detective novels.

You know what they like,
cookbooks, travel books.

Their biggest seller last
year was How to Cheer Up

Your Pets.
(dog whining)

- Well hey, there are other publishers.

- The other publishers know about my
book.

They read it, and they rejected it.

This was my last shot.

God, I was feeling so good
about my work, about myself.

This meant so much to me.

- Last shot?

There's no such thing as a last shot.

Come on, you've got other
books inside of you.

Look, there's on in there right now.

It looks good, looks like a thriller.

- Hooperman, there's something
you should know about me.

- What?

- When I'm down, I hate to be cheered
up.

It gets me insane.

- Okay, forget that, that was
thoughtless.

Just, why don't we try just
holding in silence, come on.

_ Okay?
("PS smacking)

God, I feel so bad for you.

Losing Johnny Big, that was a big
dream,

but I feel terrific
for us, that we can sit

here like this, go through a
major disappointment together.

We can be so close now.
(lips smacking)

God these last few days
have been the happiest,

most beautiful, most passionate,
loving,

honest days of my life.

- I'm a failure.

I'm a total failure.

- I think we need a little
more silent holding.

- I think I need a little more time alone.

You better go Hooperman, okay?

- Okay
(Lips smacking)

I'm right upstairs if you need me,

so in the next half hour or so
if you feel like, you know...

- Hooperman.
(dog whining)

(door clanging)

- We had 15 years together.

I wasn't just his mistress.

I was his friend, his confidant.

I designed his underwear.

I gave up everything for him,
marriage, children, my future.

I spent every holiday alone.

He belongs with me.

- Tell that to his wife, she's
the one pressing charges.

- Hooperman, God!

- I'm sorry, look what we have
here is attempted burglary.

- In your opinion only.

My client was simply visiting
Mr. Broader's remains

at the only time available
considering her delicate status,

vis-a-vis, the family.

The fact that her visit
coincided with your investigation

of a totally separate case is
unfortunate,

but still no reason to ship
my client to the big house.

- They hauled me down
here, and they booked me

like a common thief.

- We may have a potential lawsuit
here.

- Gimme a break.

- I've been permanently traumatized.

That should have some
dollar value attached to it.

- You name the figure, I'll go get it.

My cut is 40%.

- Look, look, Mrs. Broader
is on her way down here.

Maybe when she sees that
her husband is still

resting in peace she won't press
charges.

- I say let her.

Maybe we could sue her for
custody of, Larry, is it?

It would be a precedent-setting case.

That's my specialty.

- Peaches, let me warn you, this
woman

went to law school in a shopping mall.

- I don't see that we have
anything to talk about.

- We've gotta divide up our assets.

- The house is mine, Lou.

What is it you think you're entitled to?

- Your half of my half of the business.

Now I'm prepared to buy
you out at what I think

is a very generous offer.

- A generous offer?

This from the man who gave his
mother

a case of tuna fish for Christmas.

- It was imported from Japan.

I thought it was kinda different.

- I don't understand.

Why would anyone want to steal my
husband,

especially in his present state?

- Well the person we apprehended
claimed

to be an acquaintance of Mr.
Broadefls.

We have no reason to doubt her.

- Her? It's a woman?

- Peaches Markowitz,
they were getting it on.

- That's one way of describing
their level of acquaintance.

- And how long did she say
this affair had been going on?

- I don't recall exactly,

but I think it was in double-digits.

- Um, Captain Stern,
you wouldn't wanna buy

my accordion would you?

I'm selling it, it's a neat hobby.

It's a great way to meet guys,

and now that you're single, you--

- Bushkin, I don't wanna meet
anybody

who likes the accordion.

- Oh, what a lovely vase.

- It's not a vase, it's
my lying, cheating,

low-life husband.

The man had a mistress for years.

I just found out.

- They're all animals.

- Is anybody in here?

- I don't see any feet.

What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna flush him into
the Bay where he belongs.

- Go for it.

- Shouldn't we say a prayer or
something?

- He doesn't deserve it.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
today

to pay our last respects to Larry
Broader,

unfaithful husband, inadequate lover,

a jerk for all seasons.

Adios Lorenzo!
(toilet flushing)

(knock, knock, knock)

- Smith?

- Come in Hooperman, it's open.

- It's open, come on Smith, the lock!

You're working, that's great!

Is that a book or a letter?

- Book.

- Further adventures of Johnny Big?

- New book.

- You're amazing, a brand
new idea just like that?

- Old idea.

- I really admire you.

When I left, you were a nervous
wreck.

Now look at you, you're
smoking on that thing.

I always knew you were a strong
person,

but this, this is hall
of fame inner-strength.

I'm blown away.

I mean not many people--

- Let me just finish this line.

- Sure.

(key tapping)

- Perfect.

Hooperman, I have had
the most amazing day.

You were right, I did
have another book in me.

It's just pouring out.

This one is a gusher.

Out of the ashes of
Johnny Big came the novel

I should have been writing all the
time.

This is the story of the human
condition,

my human condition.

- I have never seen you this excited.

I mean, I have, but not in this room.

- It is such a pleasure,
such a liberating experience

to be writing the truth.

The point of view is, a
young woman, an artist,

trapped in a literary
jungle filled with predators

driven by greed who worship
at the alter of mediocrity.

It's the young woman's
search for artistic integrity

that ultimately helps her find herself.

- That sounds like it belongs in a
book.

- I don't know how I'm
going to get her there,

but I want to end the
book with her in Nepal

walking upward alone.

- Alone, really?

- Really.

- Where's she going?

- I don't know, I'm only on page 20.

Do you believe it Harry?

I wrote 20 pages tonight.

- That's great, but remember
what Emily Bronte used to say,

"20 pages, take a break."

I think we should take a little break.

(lips smacking)

- I can't do it, I'm really on a roll.

I have to kick you out of here.

You too Bijoux.
(dog whining)

It's all coming so clear and so fast,

I can't interrupt it.

- Well don't you think we should at
least

talk about it?

- Of course I do, but not now.

Don't worry about me, I
will surface eventually.

Good night Hooperman.

- Good night, Smith.

I'm not gonna deny it, this is a
setback.

And I'd be lying to you if I didn't say

this is the hall, and we're in it again.

But it's only halftime.
(dog whining)

(soft horn music)

(soft horn music)

- I appreciate you
agreeing to see me Celeste.

- This is my last official
act as your sister-in-law.

- I know Lou made you
an offer for your part

of Stern Brothers Security and Alarm.

First of all, what you should know is,

the business is worth twice
what he told you it is.

- Yes, and if you're telling me twice

then it's probably worth
four times as much.

- I wouldn't lie to you Celeste.

I got too much respect for you.

You deserve a lot better than Lou.

He's strange, you know?

- No kidding.

- Even in high school when he used to

shave his ankles for football.

He didn't stop with just his own
ankles.

He didn't stop with just
his own body either.

- In case you haven't noticed,
I'm having my lunch Buddy.

- I know you've always thought of me

as just a brother-in-law, and I've
always

thought of you in a much deeper way.

You're bright, you're
sensitive, you're sensuous,

everything a man could want.

Everything I want.

It's been hell all these
years controlling my urges

And just thinking about
you and my brother in bed

drove me nuts!

I know, I know you got a
lot on your mind right now

with the divorce and all,
but when you get ready

to put the pieces back together,

I hope I'm one of those pieces.

I'm not Lou.

The only thing we have
in common is a hammertoe.

- Can we get back to business?

- All right, sorry, business it is.

I will double anything my
brother offered you, in cash.

- You have that much money in cash?

- Oh yes.

Be smart Celeste, there's no
room for emotion in this deal.

- Clarence.

- Well how'd it go?

- Best physical I ever
had, clean bill of health.

- All right!

- I've got the body of a
man five to 10 weeks younger

than my chronological age.

- I hate the words those doctors use.

They scare the hell out of you.

Last year they told me
I had alopecia areata.

I was ready to make out my will.

You know what that is?

- Alopecia...
- Areata.

- I've never heard of it.

- It means you're going bald.

They were wrong, turned out to be
stress.

It all came back.

- Hey, Hooperman, we're out
of here, no evidence, no case.

You mind if my client
drops this in the ladie's?

- Beats an eternal flame.

(Whimpers)

- Keep at it Hooperman,
you're good for business.

- Hooperman, Pritzger, McNeil.

I wanna read you something
from today's newspaper.

It's been said that the
only things certain in life

are death and taxes.

In San Francisco, your
tax dollars can't protect

you from being robbed even after
death.

In fact, the phrase, you
can't take it with you,

has taken on new meaning in this city.

It goes onto trash this
precinct, my precinct.

Today we're on page four,
tomorrow probably page two.

The day we make the front page,
gentleman,

you're on Cushman carts chalking
tires.

- We're on it captain, we got
another steak out tonight.

- That doesn't blow any wind up my
skirt.

Let's catch someone, and arrest him.

Lou, in my office.

Just to keep you up to
date, your brother, Buddy,

offered me twice your insulting offer.

- I'm dead, he did it to me.

He killed me.

I know what I did was wrong, Celeste,

but I do not, I do not
deserve the death penalty.

If he gets 75% of the business,
you know what that makes me?

A stock boy.

- I wouldn't worry about that,
Lou, he'll probably fire you.

- I never knew you were
this vindictive. (deep sigh)

Celeste, what good would punishing
me do?

Would it bring our marriage back?

- Don't say that, don't even think that.

- I thought we were gonna
have a nice, amicable divorce,

no hot-shot lawyer, no
courtroom, just that little

do-it-yourself pamphlet I
bought for the both of us.

What happened to that Celeste?

- Oh, Lou, shut up.

I'm going to sell you
my half out of respect,

respect for all the good
years that we had together.

Whether you value that or
not, makes no difference.

- Oh, Celeste. (deep sigh)

- Get out your checkbook and
match your brother's offer.

- This is respect?

- Write.

- Right.

What are you doing?

- Calling the bank to make
sure your check's good.

- I know you fellas have
to do what you have to do,

but please don't touch anything.

No food and no smoking.

- We have a responsibility to our
guests.

- What's the big deal
with Diamond Jim anyway?

- He's a prime candidate for our
burglar.

- Could we see the other room
please?

- The Grotto of Serenity, of course.

Just follow Tina, she's
taking Mr. Federson in now.

(frightful grimacing)

- Excuse me.

- [Coroner] Looks terrific, good job
Tina.

- Tina is a true artist.

See how she managed to keep his
tan.

It looks like he just
got back from Hawaii.

- He does look like he
should be windsurfing, huh?

- Could we move this along,

it's getting a little rank in here.

- So here's my cousin, you
know, he's on the road.

He's got his trunk full
of mortuary supplies.

It's already dark when he decides

to make that one last call.

And the guy says, "Yeah,
sure, come on over."

So my cousin ends up on
this lonely, desolate hill,

and he's staring up at this place

that looks like the house in “Psycho...

- I don't wanna hears this,
do you wanna hear this?

- I like this kinda stuff.

- What?

- This guy does his embalming

down in the basement, you know?

And he's at the slab, and he's
draining one of his clients,

and my cousin is doing his sales
pitch.

Now you gotta remember,
this is the first time

my cousin has ever seen
a dead body in his life.

But he's trying to maintain.

And then the guy says, "Hey kid," he
says,

"I'm gonna go upstairs and
check on my inventory."

He says, "You stay here until I get
back?

So my cousin ends up with the
cadaven

- Ah geez.

- And my cousin is sweating bullets
man,

but he is trying to hold on, you know?

When all of a sudden, the
corpse sits up like this.

(moaning)

You outta seen my cousin.

(laughing)

My cousin set the land
speed record for a guy

in a $20 suit and wingtip shoes.

(laughing)

And that's how he became
a tropical fish salesman.

(thud)

- Let's hit it.

(eerie music)

(creaking door)

(eerie music)

(creaking coffin door)

(eerie music)

(rattling jewelry)

- Hi, Harry Hooperman,
SFPD, you're under arrest.

(gasping)

(body thuds)

- This guy has the right
to remain silent forever.

- Oh geez.

(light horn music)

(keys tapping)

(door knocks)

- Hooperman?

- Yeah.

- V\/hat's the matter, you look terrible.

- Same 0l', same 0l, cop's life.

I had a physical this
morning, but that's nothing.

- Hooperman, something is wrong.

- You know, I was thinking
about all the things

I've never done, things I've wanted to
do,

travel, get really good on the sax,
paint.

You know, before it's too late,

and I was thinking about how I'd miss
YOU,

miss touching you, and making love to
you.

These situations get you in touch

with what's really important in life.

- What situations?

What is going on?

- It's just what the doctor
said, actually, doctors.

I now have several.

I wasn't gonna tell you this right away,

but what's the use?

- What did they say?

- Basically, they said
don't start any long books.

- You mean you're going to...

Oh God, Hooperman no!

- This is why I didn't want to tell you.

- No, no, I am glad you told me.

I love you Hooperman.

(lips smacking)

Starting right now, I
don't want us to be apart

for one minute.
- We won't.

- We can beat this.

I mean there are other
doctors, there's specialists

in other countries.

We just can't give up.

Harry, you can't give up.

- I won't.

(lips smacking)

- What is it that we're fighting here?

- It's just some Canadian
thing, it's very rare.

It's called alopecia.

- Hooperman, that is baldness,
you don't die from that.

- It's one of the early symptoms.

- It is the only symptom.

This is just a pathetic, juvenile attempt

to get me into the bedroom again.

- Okay, okay, look, but if I'm willing

to stoop this low, doesn't
that say something?

(door slamming)

(dog whining)

(door slamming)

You know Bijoux, I just made
a serious error in judgment.

What I just did was possibly
the lowest thing I've ever done

in my life.

And you know what's amazing?

I'm prepared to go even lower.

(dog whining)

(light horn music)

(uplifting horn music)