All language subtitles for Hooperman - S01E12 The Naked and the Dead

- (traffic sounds)

- All units vicinity Union Square

we have a 211 reported
by a Salvation Army band.

Suspect is on foot, fleeing, carrying

a cast iron donation kettle.

We have reports that the
drummer and the trumpet player

are in cold pursuit?

Merry Christmas.

- I'm beginning to think this open
house

wasn't my best idea, nobody's here.

- They'll show Captain, it's early

lots of people need a
place to go on Christmas.

Believe me it's gonna be great.

How's this look.

- Cheap.

- But festive, keep the spirit Captain,

we don't want that Grinch to sneak in.

- I'm here for the free grub lady.

- Uh, well, step right over here

and help yourself to our holiday buffet.

- That's it.

- Well, we have some pizzas coming.

I'm Captain Stern and on
behalf of the entire SFPD

Merry Christmas and Happy New
Year.

- Okay, I'm gonna take your
cuffs off now, all right?

- All right.

- They're comin off, they're off.

(TQM grunts)

A little back up here.

(cheering)

- Go for it Bobo, don't
hold back, come on.

(cheering)

- Come on Bobs, come on Bobm.

(cheering)

- One, two, three.

(clapping)

- We have a winner.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(rain)

(phone ringing)

- Merry, Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho.

Hey listen, I want to setup an
early appointment this year.

I got all my tax stuff together,

I want the government
sending my money back.

I bought a toiler for an
aircraft carrier (laughs).

- You look ridiculous, whoever
heard of a black Santa Claus?

- Kiss my chestnuts Pritzger, ho, ho,
ho.

(office noise)

- Just put em right
over there, that's good,

yah, in the bin please.

Thank you.

(coughing)

- Excuse me, please leave that alone.

You're handling that in
an unsanitary manner.

No one's gonna want eat that

after it's been handled by a Wino.

- I'm not a Wino, madam, I'm a bum.

Songs are written about bums,
poems are written about bums.

Anybody ever write a song
about you sweetheart?

Um hum, they never will.

- You've had enough, now shoo.

Go on.

- Welcome, can I help you?

- Actually, I need to
talk to someone, a cop.

- Well, you've come to the
right place, Merry Christmas.

- Likewise.

- Uh, would you like
to help yourself to uh,

our holiday buffet?

- No, thank you.

Actually, I'd like to report a crime.

- Certainly.
Hooperman.

- Yes Ma'am.

- This individual wants to report a
crime.

- \/\/hat'd you do, mug Blitzen?

- Hooperman.
- Sorry.

- Come with me deer, sir.

- Three Adam Seven, citizen
reporting nude body,

possible foul play,
victim is in litter bin

at corner of Fillmore and Guerrero.

- Okay, I think it's time
you told us your name.

- Yeah, that's my desk over there,

I'll be with you in a minute.

- If that's a tough one,

then let's move on to where do you
live?

Age?

16.

- 16 1/2, and I wasn't soliciting.

- I didn't say you were good at it.

I know this is your first time.

There are only two species
that'll stand in the pouring rain

turkeys and first time hookers.

- Hooker?

- That's what it's called little girl.

That's what you almost became
tonight.

Come on, cut the crap.

Where did you run away from?

It's Christmas Eve,

do you really wanna
spend it with the cops?

(office noise)

- Hi.

- Hi.

- Everything looks great,
I didn't know police

did stuff like this.

- Yeah, well there's
plenty so help yourself.

- Thanks.
You're not from here.

Back east it sounds like.

- Yeah, Jersey, Bayonne.

- I'm from the Midwest, Iowa,

although I was in New
Jersey for a Giants game.

- Well, they're there.

Excuse me, I got
something to take care of,

enjoy yourself.

- Your lady wrestler,
yeah, we're holding her.

That's right, you come up with the bail

you can drive her off the lot tonight.

- Fine.
Ay, get outta there.

- What are you getting so excited
about?

It's not yours anymore.

This, everything up here is yours,

Once it goes in here, it's mine.

Besides, it's Christmas, and I'm a
guest

at your open house pork chops.

- You guys think the whole
world owes you somethin.

You sit around waiting for
our clothes to get old.

You always trying to catch us when
we got

to much spare pocket change.

- I would have gone for the folded
stuff,

but my accountant said it would
put me in a higher bracket.

You cops, you always
judge a book by its cover.

You could be looking at
a man who may have been

a professor of molecular
biology at Stanford.

Possibly one of the foremost
authorities

on recombinant DNA in the world.

A man who had everything until one
day

a traffic accident extinguished the Iifes

of his cherished wife and only son.

- I'm sorry, all that happened to you?

- Hell no, but it could of.

(office noise)

_ Hey let's party.

- Hey babe, I'll have a
round of strip searchers

for my friend.

- Or, how about a choke hold to go.

- Hooperman, a little help.

- I'll be right back, hey guys, guys

I think the officers over there

would rather have you
spend some time with them.

Come on, come on boys and
girls, a, if you're real good,

we'll let you stick your
fingers in some ink,

then finish with bobbing
for bail bondsmen, okay?

Come on.

- Your promotefs coming
down with the bail.

Come on, we gotta fill out some
forms.

- That bloodsucker can
come down with lung cancer

for all I care.

You know this whole
thing was self defense.

That chump in the bar was coming on.

The man wanted to lay hands on me.

What would you do?

- It's not up to me, VWma.

- Aw, you're a pretty
tough little monkey Bobo.

Bobo, I like that.

Say, where'd you learn how to
wrestle.

- Here and there I was high
school state champion once.

- Well your really good,
and you're a gentleman too.

I don't run into to many
gentleman in my line of work.

Most of the guys got
lQ's like hanging meat.

Believe me this ain't
the glamorous lifestyle

most people think it is.

Besides all the flea bag
hotels and the lousy arenas,

it's being all alone on Christmas.

- It ain't easy for a
woman to have it all,

a career and a relationship.

- Bobo, I'm a gal that likes to get right

to the center of the ring and face off.

Now that I'm getting bailed out,

You wanna get together and do
somethin

when your shiffs over?

- Like what did you have in mind?

- Maybe we could go to midnight
mass.

- All units, 801 code 3, jumper spotted

on ledge of First Security
Building, Mission District.

Proceed with caution, man
is extremely overweight,

300 pounds plus, watch
out for falling ledge.

- I'll be right back.

- Happy holidays

Try taking some deep
breaths, that usually helps.

Let me try to get someone to help
you.

- Hooperman.
- My husband,

left me.

- Oh, let's go to my office,
it's right over here.

(office noise)

- You know they're setting
up some cots downstairs

you could spend the, are you all right?

Sir, sir.

- Susie, five more minutes.

I just wanna say,
actually, I wanna apologize

for being so rude to you earlier.

I lost my Christmas
spirit there for a minute.

After all, each of us has a story,

I don't know yours.

I don't know how you got this way,

I have no right to judge you.

Maybe some inner power brought you
to us,

some unconscious desire
to turn your life around.

Anyway, I really, I just came over here

to wish you a very Merry Christmas.

Ooh, your hands are so cold.

Well, cold hands warm heart, ay.

- Bushkin, I can see you
two guys are hitting it off

but I think you ought know something

about him that might put a
damper on your relationship.

The man is dead.

_ my ' Y Q d 90d, o 'ugh 0h my

- Bushkin, Bushkin,
pull yourself together.

Call the paramedics, I got a restless

reindeer to take care of.

- I don't know if this'll
help, but it'll warm you up.

- Thank you, I know it seems silly,

but I just can't seem to,
I just can't (crying).

- Believe me, I know how you feel.

- Calls me from his Christmas office
Party

and says he's running away with her.

- The bastard.

- I was right in the middle
of decorating the tree.

- You know, I know exactly
what you're going through.

See, my husband and I we just split
up.

This is my first Christmas alone.

- This is my ninth Christmas alone.

- You know, it gets better.

Nine years?

He left you nine years ago?

Oh my god, you're the
ghost of Christmas future.

- Okay, ah, Mr. Miller,
you're reporting a crime?

- Actually, I'm confessing to a crime.

Why is that funny?

- It's just a very popular
thing to do on Christmas Eve.

- I'm not a kook, I'm an accountant.

Are you gonna take my statement or
not?

- Fire away.

- Eight years ago, I was in a
fight with a man in Seattle.

Fist fight.
We were both drunk.

I killed him.

- Now just hang, hang on a
second, have a seat over here.

You know, you're bopping
all over the place.

First of all, you're
confessing to a murder

and now you're telling
me you're not even sure

the guy's dead.

- I ran, I was pretty sure he was dead,

but I wasn't gonna stick
around to find out.

- Uh huh.

- I had this brick in my
hand, and I kept hitting him.

I couldn't believe what I was doing,

it's like I was outside myself watching.

All I could think about
was how he swindled me.

He took it all.

Everything I have, I just kept hitting.

I know I killed him.

- Obviously you never checked.

You never read a newspaper,
you never called anybody?

- I left Seattle that night,
wound up in San Francisco.

Changed my name, started a
new life, I even got married.

- Seattle police are pretty damn good.

I don't think you'd be sitting
here in a deer suit tonight

if they were after you.

Maybe the guy had a harder
head then you imagined.

Somebody might have gotten to
him, taken him to a hospital.

Right now he might be out
there spending your money

care free with just an
occasional ringing in his ears.

- You don't understand,
I have to settle this.

I have children, I have
beautiful children,

and I can't face them anymore.

VWI you help me?

- I'm gonna make some calls,

you know, I've got a
good feeling about this.

It's gonna be okay.

- You really think so?

- This is definitely the night
for things to turn out okay.

In the meantime, you're
not guilty of anything,

we've got plenty of
refreshments out there,

so whip on your antlers and mingle.

(slow music)

- Hey, what the hell is this?

- That's not the guy.

- The one you want is under the
blanket,

take that guy back to booking.

Uh, no, you gotta run
this guy for me tonight.

It's kind of an emergency.

I know it's impossible but

if anyone can pull it off you can.

Great, thanks, you're in my will.

(office noise)

- Hey, you know something, I never
thought

I'd spend this night in a police station.

- Well, why are you?

- Hey, it's a place to go,

at least there are other people
around.

Hey, is this your family?

- Yeah, that's my mom, my dad, he's a
cop.

My a two sisters and
my twin brother Bobby.

Don't you have any family here?

Friends?

- No, I just moved here
a couple weeks ago.

I guess I'm homesick.

- Well listen, it's after nine o'clock,

rates are cheaper, why
don't you give em a call?

- No, I can't, they're pretty
upset with my lifestyle

- You're gay, aren't you?

- Yeah,

I thought they'd understand,

but my mom just cried and my
dad threw me out of the house.

I haven't spoken with them in years.

- Hey, you never know,
they might be missing you

as much as you're missing them.

Attitudes change, you've
gotta remember that

it's quite a shock to
hear that your son's gay.

I mean, most parents don't
handle it to well at first.

Give em a call.

- I don't know if I can.

- You don't wanna spend
another Christmas Eve

like this, do you?

There's a phone in the hall.

(office noise)

- Apparently you aren't
familiar with the tradition

of Christmas, most kids at home
waiting

for Santa Claus to come down the
chimney.

- Santa ain't comin to my house.

- Well, don't be so sure, let me check.

What's your name?
- Wendell.

- Yep, got a Wendell right here.

- You ain't no Santa
Claus, Santa's a white man.

- You know you're pretty young

to be having such old fashion ideas.

Santa Claus doesn't have any color.

It's like god of love.

Santa Claus isn't even
a person, it's a job.

Now this toy you just
copped, is it for you?

- It's for my little brother.

- They're you go, you're
now officially Santa Claus.

You're also officially under
arrest, 211A, toy rustling.

- You gonna lock up a kid on
Christmas?

What a jerk.

- Tell you what, maybe
you can slide out of this

by performing community service,

like wrapping some toys.

- I wanna lawyer, where
you keep the lawyers?

- Suit yourself, let's go to the lockup.

- All right, all right,
where's the wrapping paper?

- Here and you can start
with your brothers' gift.

- I can go back but my
parents still aren't

gonna understand me.

- Big deal, my parents
still don't understand me.

My grandparents don't
understand my parents.

The important thing is they care,

they sent your picture to every
precinct

in the country.

I told em you'd be home
in time to open presents.

- I don't have any money for a ticket.

- It's all taken care of,

We sort of took up a collection.

- I'll bet I'm back in a week.

- Yeah, maybe you will be back in a
week,

but at least you'll have
seven days to think about it.

I was given the same break
once and it saved my life.

This is Officer Kirkland, she's
gonna take you to the bus.

_ Hey,

thanks.

- Hey, send back the clothes.

- Yeah, no that sounds fine, um hum,

yeah, that sounds terrific.

Can I call you right back on it, thanks.

You don't look to happy,
did you make the call.

- Yeah, it turned out to be a mistake.

My dad, wouldn't even come to the
phone

and um, my mom,

first time I ever heard
her use the word faggot.

- I'm sorry, it seemed like a good idea.

- It's easy for you to
say, you're not gay.

- Well, maybe next year.

Have a good holiday.

- You too.
Take care, huh.

- All units, 217, possible 187

at Lou's Noodlerama Restaurant.

Shots fired, possibly from an
automatic.

Unconfirmed reports three dead,

twelve patrons seriously injured,

paramedics in route.

- I'll be glad when this night is over.

- I hear that.

- It gets worse every year.

- You know, I used to hate Christmas,

but then I found the secret.

I mean, If you can do
somethin for the children,

I mean, just help one kid, ay,
that's what it's all about.

Wait, where's my wallet,
where in the hell's

that kid, my wallet.

- I think they left together.

- Hey Bobo, I'm free.
We still on?

- Yeah, why not.
- All right.

- You're all gonna talk
about me now, aren't ya?

Well, Merry Christmas anyway.

- Ho, ho ho.

(laughter)

- Hey Bubba Claus, you
ought to keep a tighter eye

on your wallet.

Oh, by the way, I took five
dollars as a finders fee.

Have a chillin Christmas.

- Here's your telex, Merry Christmas.

- Great.

- Anything?
- Yeah.

Better call your family,

it's a warrant, I'm sorry.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up the right to remain silent

anything you say can
and will be used against

you in a court of law.

You have the right to
speak with an attorney

and have the attorney
present during questioning.

(slow music)

(doorbell ring)

- Holy cow, you look gorgeous.

You just get home from a date?

- No, no I've been home all night.

- Dressed like that, what for?

- I've been waiting, for you.

Come in.

Merry Christmas Hooperman.

- You too, Smith.

- How, how was your day?

- Oh just crummy, I had
a reindeer who turned out

to be a fugitive murderer.

We had a Wino die on
us, runaways, suicides,

you name it, Christmas is not a happy
time

for a lot of people.

(puppy whimpering)

- And how was your day Smith?

- Sorry, how was your day Smith?

- Great, my day was really great.

I sold Johnny Big.

- Really?
- Really.

To Brittingham Publishing,
the editor said there

she loves it, they want
a Spring publication

and they want to give me an advance

for a sequel.

- Susan, that is

fantastic.

- You know what this means?
- What?

- It means, I did it.

I succeeded on my own, with
my own identity in tact.

I am someone Harry,

I am Susan Smith, author.

- I'm happy for you Susan.

- You know what else it means?

- This is gonna be good, isn't it?

- It means, I don't have to be afraid

of losing my identity to the man I love.

I have a Christmas present for you
Harry.

- What, What is it?

- Every time we've gotten this far,

I've ended up out in the hall.

Is that gonna happen tonight?

- No Harry.

(slow music)

(closing music)

(closing music)

(Twentieth Century Fox music)