All language subtitles for Hooperman - S01E11 Deck the Cell with Bars of Folly

(theme music)

- This all could have
been handled at the store.

I am sure that Sak's Fifth
Avenue would have accepted

my check for that display case.

- You beaned the saleslady
with a hair dryer.

She had to go to the emergency
room.

- Well isn't she covered
by their insurance?

- Sit down, please.

- This is ridiculous.

I am sure that this is
false arrest or something.

- State your full name, please.

- Natalie Sandifer, no middle name.

I can't believe they had me arrested.

Those Sak's people just flipped out.

- You're not here
because they flipped out,

you're here because you flipped out.

They caught you with
lingerie in your purse,

that's shoplifting, and the saleslady,

assault and battery.

- Not to mention resisting arrest.

- That was an accident.

You startled me, my legs
spasmed, my knee jerked up.

I didn't know your groin
was in the vicinity.

- Home address?

- I get a phone call.

I know that I get a phone call.

- You get a phone call.

- Operator, operator?

Connect me with 555-3487,
and ask for Mr. Stern.

Lou Stern.

That's my boyfriend.

- [Dispatcher] All units
in the vicinity of Van Ness

and Larkin proceed to
the convenience store.

Hostage situation, SWAT team en
route.

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(sirens)

- Hold your fire!

(shouting and scuffling)

- Letting that woman go
was the smartest thing

you've done all day.

Thank you, now let's talk
about a way out of this.

Just tell me what you want.

Excuse me, do you mind?

Look, I know you mean
business, but you really

don't want to kill anybody.

Look, I've got an idea.

You let me in, you let
the other people out.

Wait a second, no, you're
not losing hostages

you're gaining a cop.

Alright, I'm on my way.

(sirens, police radio chatter)

- So?

- I got a weird feeling about this guy.

There's something in his voice.

He's very close to the
edge, but he's willing

to make a trade.

- Did you tell him we don't do that?

- I don't think this
is the time to tell him

what we don't do.

He's got some people
in there and he sounds

pretty sincere about blowing them
away.

I'm going in.

- I've heard about you,
Hooperman, and the buzz is

you're out there.

Look, there's no place for
a guy like you on my detail.

We're doing this by the rules.

- The guy in there doesn't
have any rules, just a gun

and a very shaky mental attitude.

Adaptability is the key to this one.

My gut tells me to adapt.

- Don't do this.
- I won't allow it!

- Listen, I'm the hostage
negotiator, remember?

So technically, I'm in charge.

It's my call, I'll take the heat.

I gotta go, I don't want to
think about this too long,

if you know what I mean.

- The guy is right, this is nuts.

- Yeah, now look, in case
I need a eulogy, I want you

to deliver it, okay?

I want you to start it
with he was a great cop

beloved by women of all
races, creeds and colors.

Everything after that can be your own.

Danny, I'm coming in!

- [SWAT Team Leader] Hooperman!

- [Police Officer] Hold your fire!

- Get me through this, I
know I don't deserve it,

but who does.

I'll do anything, you name the charity,

I'll write the check.

- [SWAT Team Leader] Hold your fire!

- Danny?

(gun cocks)

- Get in here!

- Okay, before we get into
anything, let's close our deal,

let these nice folks outta here.

- I didn't make you no deal,
man, you talk too fast.

You didn't give me time to think.

- Get smart, one of me is
worth more than two of them.

No offense.

- Alright, get down, on your knees!

You two get out of here.

Come on, move it, before I change my
mind!

NOW!

- Alright Danny, you got
me where you want me.

What's on your mind?

- You.

I'm thinking about putting
this gun to your head,

and squeezing one off.

- I don't get it, what's this all about?

- You guys ripped me off, man!

You and your whole stinkin' system.

I didn't deserve no nine years,
I was just driving the car.

My friends knocked over the store.

But that judge, that judge gave me the
max

because maybe he didn't
like my face, or maybe

he didn't get any the
night before, I don't know.

I'm doin' my time, right?

I'm minding my business.

One night, all of a
sudden, these five guys,

they develop a crush on me.

When they were finished, they
dumped me in a laundry cart.

So now, I'm running with
the big A, you know?

Mr. AIDS.

I go in for a dime, and I come
outwith the death penalty.

Ain't love grand?

- [SWAT Team Leader] You can
spot him through the door.

- I said hold your fire!

- You've got alternatives, Danny.

Let me help you find them, please!

(screams, groans)

- Hello, Lou?

This is Natalie again.

I'm still here with
these, uh, police people.

Please call me as soon
as you get this message.

It's urgent.

I can't spend another
minute in this place.

- Don't you have anyone who
can come up with the bail?

- Not really.

This year I seem to have
alienated a lot of people.

- Natalie.

- Aw, do I have to?

I feel like an exhibit at a zoo.

- I gotta do it.

- How about this, I stay out
here and help you tidy up,

serve coffee, see people
when they come in.

I used to be hostess at a House of
Pies.

- We're pretty staffed up at the
moment.

Okay, deep breath and in you go.

(laughs) House of...Pies.

(conversations quiet)

' What?!

- This is not fair,
someone should tell her.

Silardi, you could do it.

- Whoa, this is none of my business.

- It's none of anybody's business.

- Susie watch the console.

- I don't believe it.

(knocks on door)

- Captain?

- What is it, Bushkin?

- Captain, uh, it's common knowledge,

not common knowledge,
but definitely no secret

that you and your husband
have been having problems.

And that those problems
were caused by, uh, uh,

a third party.

- Bushkin, when one starts
a conversation this personal

and this delicate, one should
have an excellent reason

for doing so, if one
wants to Keep her job.

Do you have an excellent reason?

- Excellent?

I don't know, but good, definitely good.

- You have five seconds.

- You know that bimbo that
Mr. Stern's been boinking?

She's outside in the
squad room, in the lockup.

She made her one phone call
to him, and if you want

to know what I think, I think she's
trash.

Thank you for your time.

- Pritzger, that one!

In my office.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Are you going to try and
get some kind of revenge on me

legally using your police
powers, anything like that?

- You can relax, I don't
know about you, but I intend

to behave in a civilized manner.

- Lou said you were nice.

Really elegant, a lady
with excellent taste.

I could tell just by the
furniture in your house.

- You've been in my house?

In my bedroom?

In my bed?

- Well, not actually in your bed.

- Just let me ask you one thing.

- What?

- Lou's attraction to you is obvious.

What do you see in him?

He's not handsome, he's
not rich, he's overweight,

and don't tell me he's good in
bed, because I've been there.

- You just never understood
his little sexual quirks.

- Sexual quirks, Lou Stern?

The only position he knows is fetal.

- You mean he never asked
you to call him Fido?

- Fido, why would I call
him Fido, it's a dog's name?

- He likes it.

It's all in fun.

Like the dog food bowl and
spanking him with the newspaper,

you know, bad doggy. (laughs)

Oh my God, you don't know.

- That's disgusting!

You are disgusting!

I'm going to kick you!

- I'll sue for police brutality!

- It means release you!

Just pick up your stuff and go.

- What about my bail?

- Forget that, just go, please!

- Lou was right, you are a nice lady.

- She's free to go.

Bushkin, put out an APB on Lou
Stern.

I want him brought to me in cuffs.

- Alright, what are we charging him
with?

- Lewd and lascivious conduct,

and violation of the leash laws.

- You have the right to a public
defender,

and you're in serious trouble.

Just meet her, will you do that?

- Public defender?

I don't need another public defender.

- Mr. Welles?

I don't know if you realize
it, but the possibilities

for bail are slim.

You're a parole violator.

- I have been in and out
of these courtrooms since

I was 15, I know the routine
better than you do, baby.

This time it don't matter.

Because this time, I'm
gonna die on I em.

- What does he mean?

- Danny has AIDS.

- Check it out, man.

A chick don't want to get too close to
me.

I'm straight, in case you was
interested.

- No one told me this man was...ill.

I'll get back to you on this.

- Good, I'll be sure to leave
my answering machine on.

- Come on, you're not
serious gonna bail on this.

You can't catch it from
casual contact if that's

what you're worried about.

- That's what they say, but it still

makes me very uncomfortable.

I'm sorry, I wish someone had told
me.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Life's a bitch, and then you die.

- Hooperman, you're
wasting your time fighting

for this Welles sicko.

The guy's out of Quentin.

He almost killed two
hostages, I'm tellin' you

the guy was born to wear
stripes and rattle a cup.

He's never gonna sleep
right unless there's another

felon above him.

Sure he's sick, but
sick scum is still scum.

- Thank you Mother Teresa.

- I said we have a shot at it.

You have to remember,
the DA likes his felons

to pay their debt to
society, especially the ones

who break parole.

- I think he's paid.

Listen, I appreciate you
staying with this case.

- Good afternoon, everyone.

- Your honor.

- Could I have that please?

Thank you.

So, what are we doing here?

This is just an arraignment,
right, or am I mistaken?

- That's kind of what we're
trying to avoid, Your Honor.

Danny Welles clearly has
violated his parole, but given

the fact that he had AIDS, let's face it,

returning him to a
prison population is not

exactly a Nobel Prize-winning idea.

- Well, that's a refreshing
point of view, Inspector,

but make your point.

- Okay, I came up with an
alternative that would service

the needs of the court, as
well as those of Mr. Welles.

I ran it by Howard and Paul
and they couldn't come up

with any downside.

I tried to shoot some holes
in it myself, and frankly,

it's solid.

Certainly there's some
fine points that need to

be worked out, but basically
in broad strokes, it swings.

I think--

- Excuse me, do you think
that you could get through

this presentation, say,
before my retirement dinner?

- Your Honor, we've located
an available AIDS hospice

with an available bed.

Mr. Welles would be admitted
there and become part

of the support group.

He would also benefit from
the care and sense of family

when his symptoms intensify.

- We tried it with a couple
of other parolees and it

worked out well.

- Do you think your client
is going to be agreeable

to this plan, I mean, look
at this list of priors?

We're going to have to
abridge them just to

fit them into a file.

- I've been working on him,
I think he'll go for it.

- Alright, I'll recommend it.

- Alright, good call Your Honor!

(cell door clanks)

- A hospice is where you
go to die, forget about it.

- I promised I'd help you
find some alternatives,

and I think the hospice is a good idea.

- You want to know what a good idea
is?

A good idea is you comin'
in here with a little bottle

that says cure for AIDS.

- You know, so far you've
managed to go through

your whole life without
contributing one thing

to this world.

I gotta hand it to you,
man, that's hard to do.

Most people end up kicking
something into the kitty

even if they don't want to, by accident.

- You never run out of rap, do you?

- This is your chance to do
something, it doesn't have

to be anything big.

- Like what?

- Talk to a kid who's
thinking about following

in your footsteps, scare
the hell out of him.

Make a contribution for God's sake.

- What about somebody
making a contribution to me?

In case you haven't
noticed, I'm in isolation.

I'm in my own ZIP code here.

The trusties, they don't
want to clean my room.

They don't even want to touch my
sheets.

And the guys that bring me
my food, they're wearing

rubber gloves and masks, I'm toxic
waste.

Take my advice, don't
waste your time with me.

- Look, you can either stay
here, or go someplace better.

If you want to go someplace
better, put on your shoes

and your jacket and come with me.

If you don't, say the
word and I'm out of here.

(quietly) Come on.

- Celeste, what the hell is
this, what are you trying to do,

embarrass me?

- Embarrass you?

You bring that woman into my
house, you soil our bedroom?

- Celeste, please!

- You shut up, Fido, and you listen.

- Even after I knew we had nothing
left,

I still respected you.

I still admired certain things about
you.

I hope I'm never that stupid again.

You Pig!

- Celeste, I don't know how to say
this,

but you're really, really
turning me on right now.

- You filth!

- You're driving me crazy, Celeste.

Your power, your strength.

Your uniform.

- Is there a lock on that door?

- You're sick!

I don't believe you!

- I know you want to hit
me, Celeste, go ahead.

Hit me with the paper, I deserve it.

I've been a bad boy.

- And then I suppose you'll
want a dog yummy, eh Fido?

- Oh, Celeste.

- As much as this disgusts
me, I'm glad I got

to see you this way.

How could I ever have shared my life

with an animal like you?

We're finished, Lou, I'm
going to call a lawyer.

I suggest you do the same.

Or a veterinarian, whatever turns you
on.

(mellow saxophone music)

(knocks on door)

- Uh, hi.

- How you doing?

- Hi Hooperman, this is
Reed, introduce yourselves,

I've got an emergency.

- I'm Harry Hooperman.

- How's it going?

- Excuse me.

Isn't this place a little
small for a maitre d'?

Who's the guy?

- He's my date.

- He's a tall date.

- Taller than most, here
hold this for me, please.

- Serious hair.
- Hooperman!

- It's not too late to change
your mind, why don't you

feed this cheeseball some
story, send him home, and go

to the jazz concert with me.

I don't want to have to
sell this extra ticket,

you have to stand out in
the cold with the scalpers.

- What's happening?

- Maybe you should just take Bijoux.

- Bijoux, right, sure.

Well, listen, you guys have
fun, wherever you're headed,

you're definitely gonna light
up the place in that dress.

- The ballet.

- The ballet, ah, well,
that's good cultural fun.

I'm keeping you, so I'll
just show myself out.

Well listen, have fun.

Oh, I said that, didn't I?

Nice meeting you, Red.

- Reed.
- Reed.

And that suit definitely kicks.

I'd keep it the extra day.

- Goodnight, Hooperman.

- Harry, it's Danny Welles.

He split the hospice,
he's got another hostage,

he's got another gun, let's go, c'mon.

(knocks on door)

- Hey, how you do--
- Careful, she bites.

(helicopter flies overhead)

- He says he's got a girl in there.

- Danny, it's Hooperman, I'm coming
in.

- [Police Officer] There's
people there by that doorway,

stand back.

Get back out of the line of fire.

- Okay, Danny.

V\/here's the girl?

- What girl?

See, I can jive just as
good as you can, Hooperman.

(champagne cork pops)

- This is suicide, you know that?

- Oh, I'd rather go out
like this than rot in some

rest home for zombies.

You messed with my head, man.

You never told me what it was
going to be like in there.

- I've just figured out what you are.

You're a professional victim;
everything that happens

to you is somebody else's fault.

You've got no guts.

- Go to hell.

- Those people in that
hospice, they're hanging on

to every minute of life they can.

That takes guts.

The kind of guts that
makes you look like a pile

of chicken crap.

What is it, what do you really want?!

- (quietly) I want to live.

- You got a second choice?

- I want, I want to die.

- You want those guys out
there to end it for you,

don't you?

- Fine, they'll bring the
hammer down, that's their job.

Or you can take some responsibility

for the rest of your life.

Whether it's two years or 200 years.

As for me, I'm not going to
stand and watch, I'm leaving,

Danny, you're on your own.

- What if I decide to
take you with me, huh?

- If you do that, Danny, I'll
never speak to you again.

- Stay where you are, Hooperman!

Hooperman!

- [Police Officer] We'll
have some emergency vehicles,

get them down here.

- Back off, hold your fire!

- [Other Officers] Hold your fire!

- [Police Officer] Everybody
hold your position.

Everybody stay right where you are.

- [Danny] Hooperman!

- [Clarence] Take him!

- [Hooperman] No!

(gun fires)

(screams)

(gun clanks on pavement)

- (Weakly) Hooperman?

Is it you?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Don't get too close.

You don't want what I got.

It's cold.

I can't feel my legs.

Sorry, man, I had to do it.

It wasn't your fault.

You kept trying-

At least I'm going outwith a friend.

(sad saxophone music)