All language subtitles for Hooperman - S01E10 I, Witness

(birds squaking)

- [Mr. Dirkson] You're not wild

about this assignment are you?

- I'm a policeman, Mr.
Dirskon, I'm not a tour guide

or a babysitter, I don't
care if she is a princess.

- But the strategic position
of the Sheik's country

is critical to the balance
of power in the region.

- [Harry] I hear what you're saying.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Dirkson.

- Hi, your highness.

Your Highness, may I present

Inspector Harry Hooperman, SFPD.

His Highness Sheik Icahn Bahasha.

- Your Highness.

- My pleasure, Inspector Hooperman.

- You have a beautiful home here, sir.

- Oh, it is not mine,
it belongs to my cousin.

Forgive me for a moment.

I have something very
important I want to check on.

Mr. Dirkson, there's a
delicious buffet on the terrace.

- I'm all right, thank you,
Your Highness, thank you.

- You really should try it.

- Why don't I try it?

- Come, sit down, Harry.

Lovely game here your football.

I have 100 riding on this game.

- This might be a little tacky,

but is that $100, or $100,000?

- Only a fool bets $100,000
on a football game.

- You're right, Robin Leech

has us totally brainwashed over here.

- Allow me to warn you.

My daughter is a wild one, like a
Ferrari.

Only she did not come with brakes.

But oddly enough, out of all my
children,

she has the best potential,
the best raw material

to make contribution to society.

That is why I want her
to go to college here.

A smaller one, not so trendy.

One that will scrape the
jet set veneer off her.

- Well thank you for your
input, I'll do the best I can.

- My daughter is willful
and quite devious.

At this very moment she is spying on
us

from the next room.

Kiana, come meet Inspector
Hooperman.

(background TV chatter)

- Your Highness.

- He looks like a bus driver.

(upbeat orchestral music)

- I think you're gonna like this college

better than the last one.

- Why?

- I don't know, I guess I'm
just making conversation.

- Let us face it, Mr. Hooperman,
this has been a boring day

and it's going to continue
to be a boring day.

- I thought the precision
drill team at Golden Gate Park

was kind of precise.

- You don't get out much, do you?

- I guess not, Your Highness.

- Let me see your gun.

- No, no, I don't think so.

I will bet it is not as pretty as mine.

- That looks real.

- It is.

I bought it in Beverly Hills
from some famous designer.

- But it's not loaded.

- Of course it is.

Is not yours?

- No, give it to me.

- I will not.

This cost $10,000.

- Give me the gun.

Now.

- I will give you the bullets.

- I don't believe this, a girl has a gun.

A gun that costs more than my car.

- You are such a tight shirt.

I will bet you are married.

- No I'm not.

Don't do that.

- Girlfriend?

- Nah, ah.

- So, you just sleep around then.

- Your Highness, stash the designer
piece

and fasten your seat belt.

- [Police Radio] All
units be on the lookout

for horseback assailant
with jousting pole.

Suspect is a male cauc.

Equine accomplice is a Palomino.

- Silardi, Demott.

- In your office.

- People that run this kind of racket

will sell the children to
anyone who has the cash.

- Where do the babies come from?

- You really don't know?

- They usually get them in
Mexico or Central America.

Sometimes they buy them and
sometimes they steal them.

Here's where you come in.

I want you to pose as a married
couple desperate for a baby.

- Me and Silardi?
- Me and Demott?

- We'll put you up in an apartment

where you'll make the transaction.

The DA's office will brief you
on how to avoid entrapment.

- Are we going to have to
live in this apartment?

- That's the idea.

- For how long?

- A week, a month, however long it
takes.

The fact that neither of you have a
spouse

that might object to the arrangement

is the only reason why I picked you.

- Could any other reason
have anything to do

with the fact that I'm gay?

- [Captain] That was
never a consideration.

- And with all due respect,
Captain, that's bull.

I mean if someone says
that it isn't proper

to have two officers
playing house together,

you can say that's why you picked
me.

And cover your, yourself.

- You know, Silardi, even the best of
us

sometimes has a singular
moment when they say

something so incredibly
stupid that it haunts them.

And fills their sleepless
nights with regret

and embarrassment, I'm just
honored that you picked me

to be a part of your moment.

Now, let's get this into motion, shall
we?

(background chatter)

(knocking on door)

- Coming.

Hi.

- Hi.

- You are a little
early, a lot overdressed.

- Look, I've been trying
to figure out a way

to tell you this without you killing me,

which you have every right
to once you hear this.

- You're bailing out on me.

- I wouldn't say it like that.

- Are you having dinner here or not?

- Not technically, but it was my
intention

to have dinner here and
that's still my intention,

but I got this assignment
and I can't, so technically--

- Fine.

- What do you mean fine?

- I mean, fine.

- You went through a lot of trouble
here,

how can this be fine?

- This is just a fluke, I'm having trouble

with Johnny Big, Chapter 13.

You see, it's avoidance behavior.

- Look, my Captain volunteered
me to the State Department,

some important Sheik's in
town, I gotta babysit his kid.

So now I've gotta take this brat

to some lame string quartet concert.

- How old is this kid?

- She's 19.

" She?

- Yeah, am I eligible for a rain check?

You're upset, aren't you?

- I'm a grownup, I don't get
upset over things like this.

- Yes you are, look what you're doing.

- I am chopping celery.

- You're not chopping
it, you're executing it.

- Look, Hooperman, you're off the
hook.

That's what you wanted to hear.

Now you've heard it.

- Okay then, I'll just let myself out.

- Goodnight, Hooperman.

- [Smith] 19.

- So, my friend goes into the hospital

thinking it's going to
be over in a second.

First, they make him
swallow this barium stuff,

which turns into a brick
at body temperature.

Then, they invade his internals
with the Alaska pipeline.

You know what happens next?

- Yeah, I think I've got the picture.

- You ought to, it could happen to you.

- They're on.

- [Maureen] Of course, when
Joey's mother changed her mind,

they decided to keep her
baby, we were devastated.

- We hired a lawyer, but he told us,

by the time we got a court
date, baby Joey would be

a pimply faced juvenile delinquent.

- That's terrible.

When someone gives their word.

- I don't want Maureen to have to go

through an experience like that again.

- Mr. Nelson, I understand completely.

And I think I can help you.

- You can?

Darling.

- It just so happens
that my poor cousin Maria

was recently blessed with child.

And mixed blessing
indeed, because is a baby

that she cannot afford to keep.

And the baby's father,
well, what can I say.

- What can you say
about the baby's father?

- An American medical student.

Oh, ah.

This is his photograph.

- Handsome man.

- And quite brilliant.

They say that intelligence is
hereditary.

- He looks a little like Tom Selleck.

- He looks exactly like Tom Selleck.

- Ah, yes, yes, people often say that.

So what?

The only thing I know is that

he deserted my poor cousin, Maria,

who's also quite
beautiful and intelligent.

And now Maria has to beg in the
streets

to pay for the operation
on her poor, poor, madre,

before she goes blind

and possibly, deaf.

- How much is this
operation going to cost?

- About $15,000.

- $15,000 is out of the question.

- Maybe she can get it for 10.

Cash, of course.

- Rick, $10,000 isn't really that much

if we know the baby will be ours.

- Mr. Gonzalez, your cousin's baby,

is it a boy or a girl?

- Which do you prefer?

(classical orchestral music)

- Your Highness, Your
Highness, what is the matter?

You can't just get up
and walk out like that.

These guys are playing just for you.

- Do not be so naive, I figured this out

at my first boarding
school when I was six.

This college is not enrolling me,

they're enrolling my father's
checkbook.

They probably need a new gym, a
library,

a chemistry lab, whatever.

- That's pretty cynical.

- But you did not say it was untrue.

Besides, is this not the dullest evening

you have ever had?

- It's in the top five.

- Hooperman, I am in the
mood for an adventure.

\/\/ant some action.

- Like a disco?

- Oh, please, I'm discoed to death.

I have an idea.

This will be wonderful fun.

I want to see the dark
side of San Francisco.

The under belly, those funky, smokey
bars.

I know they're out there.

Does that not sound
absolutely wicked and sexy?

- Only if you're a sailor.

I know it's a drag, but I
think we'd better get back

in there because you
are the guest of honor

and I need the overtime.

- You're right, you're an impossible
bore.

But you're right.

If you can amuse yourself for a
minute,

I'm going to fix my makeup.

Unless you think that is too
dangerous.

- Ah, Your High (clears throat).

(classical orchestral music)

- Her makeup's perfect.

- Pardon me, young man.

- I'll be quick.

Princess.

Oh, be here.

Please be here.

This is Hooperman, you better put out

a description of the
princess, I've lost her.

- [Radio] Lost her?

Why is she gone?

- How the hell do I know
why she's gone, she's gone.

I lost her.

(classical orchestral music)

- It's gonna take me a
while to get over this.

Like I said we're in her apartment,

we're into deep serious
business area of her apartment.

I'm talking satin sheets, mirrors,
videos.

Then my beeper goes off and it's you.

So do not be looking for me
to all of a sudden get perky.

- I'm sorry, we need the bodies.

This little brat could be
anywhere, she's got money,

she's got credit cards,
she probably called a limo.

- What's your best guess?

- I don't know, she said
she was looking for action.

Danger, she'd find it there.

And here.

Here too, there's plenty of it there.

- What about up here?

- You know, I never realized
how dangerous this city is.

- Hooperman.

- This is not gonna be pretty.

- Do you know why I volunteered you

for this assignment, Inspector?

- No, ma'am.

- Neither do I.

I had to brief the sate
department about what happened.

I'm sure that they've
already called the FBI,

who'll do some butt covering
and then call the Shiek.

- He'll probably call big Ron.

- Big Ron?

- The President.

- Oh my God, he probably will.

Find the girl, Hooperman,

I'd like to get back home before
midnight.

- Clarence, let's coordinate
the rest of this in the car.

- Hold on, Hooperman, line two.

- Hooperman.

Kiana, slow down.

What kind of trouble?

Okay, alright, listen.

Just get a hold of yourself,
tell me where you are.

Where are you?

Aha, alright, just hang
on, we'll be right there.

That was the princess.

- Where is she?

- Let's go.

(rock band music)

Look at this, adventures in paradise.

Look, we don't want to start an
incident,

you guys wait back here.

- This could get ugly real fast.

(rock band music)

- I think I'm at the wrong prom.

(rock band music)

- V\/hat's happening, sweet meat?

- Nice to see a friendly face.

(rock band music)

- Have you seen this girl?

- No.

- Listen man, you might want to untie

that torniquete around your head,

let the blood get to the brain.

'Cause if you're gonna
cop that kind of attitude,

I sincerely hope you're not
carrying a concealed weapon

or any controlled substances.

- Why don't you pigs just take off.

(slamming)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Alright everybody, back off.

Back off now.

How are you doing, MacNeil?

- [Man] Officer down.

- I've been better.

- Officer, take care of this man.

One more time, where's the girl.

- She's in the head.

You better knock first, she's got a gun.

(knocking on door)

- [Kiana] Go away or I will shoot you.

- Kiana it's me, Hooperman.

- I am so glad--

- Looks like you found your adventure.

Come here.

Now look at him, look at him.

Look at him, that is my partner,
he just got knifed tonight

trying to get you out of here.

That isn't sexy, that isn't wonderful
fun.

You know what you are?

You are an irresponsible, rich bitch.

You know the trouble
you caused here tonight?

Someone could've been killed.

You could've been killed.

More importantly, I could've been
killed.

And if you're so bored you
need this kind of thing

to get off, then I feel sorry for you.

'Cause you have nothing
to look forward to.

(background laughing)

(deep sigh)

- I guess you told her.

- [Man] What's the ETA on that
ambulance?

- Rick we've got our little boy.

You're a handsome little boy aren't
you?

Yes, you are.

- $10,000.

- Thank you very much.

It's been a real pleasure
doing business with you.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Gonzalez.

- If you have any friends who need
help,

please let me know.

We offer a generous commission
for referrals, okay?

- San Francisco police, we're
placing you under arrest.

- Police?

- That's right.

- The missus too?

- Mmh, hmm.

- You can't trust anybody.

- [Policeman] Come on let's go.

- [Mr. Gonzalez] I want
to talk to my lawyer now.

- Isn't he cute, he has your eyes.

- I get off Demott, we're
through playing house.

(baby cooing)

- Don't they smell wonderful?

You know, if people smelled
this sweet all their lives

there'd be no war.

I better get back to my console.

Yes, bye, bye, sweetheart.

(baby cooing)

J1 Hush little baby, don't say a word

J1 Papa's gonna buy you a mocking
bird

J1 And if that mocking bird don't sing

J1 Papa's gonna buy you a diamond

- Child welfare people are on their
way.

What's the matte r'?

- Nothing.

- Hey come on, this
little guy will be okay.

He'll probably get adopted
by a couple just like us.

Maybe not just like us.

- Rick, I'm sorry if I made you
uncomfortable in this thing.

I guess I did go overboard
on the Ozzie and Harriet bit.

- It's okay, I know you're
only kidding around.

- I was at first, but
then when he put this baby

in my arms, I figured out
why I got so carried away

with the fantasy.

This is probably as close as I'm gonna
get

to being a wife and mother.

- Why is it all of a sudden a fantasy?

- Look at me, Silardi.

I'm a cop.

I wear stupid blue pants.

I carry a night stick.

I walk around in Sears and Roebuck
shoes.

What are my chances on the open
market?

Even if I did connect with someone,

do you know what the mortality
rate is for cop marriages?

I want one of these Silardi.

You wouldn't understand.

- I do understand.

At least you have a chance.

See, I'm never gonna have a baby.

I know that.

And I love kids just as much as you
do.

- I'm sure you could work out

one of those hip 80s alternative
parenting arrangements.

I can't, I'm old fashioned.

Husband, wife, 3.7 kids, station
wagon.

I can't have it any other way.

- Neither can I.

I grew up in a home
with a father and mother

who really loved each other.

And I know there's other alternatives,

but as far as I'm concerned,
that's still the best way

for a kid to grow up.

And I know that

I'll never be able to provide that.

Look you can go, I'll wait
for the child welfare people.

- That's okay.

I'll wait with you.

- This is much better than
doing the big can you top

this production number every week.

- Yes, and the whole point of it is

to talk about the
problems in the building.

Got the bills, the tenants
who have not paid the rent.

Bids from the roofers, which
are outrageous by the way.

- Can we discuss those subjects
after we've had some wine.

Maybe not some wine, maybe a lot of
wine.

(buzzing)

- I'll get it.

Glasses.

- Excuse me, in which
apartment would I find

a Mr. Hooperman, police inspector?

- Ah, right here.

- Your Highness, what
an unexpected surprise.

- I had to see you, Harry.

- Susan, I'd like to
introduce Your Royal Highness,

the Princess Danasan, Kihana
Bahasha.

Your Highness, I'd like
you to meet, Susan Smith.

- Your Highness.

- Harry, I need to speak with you.

- Oh, sure, be right back.

- This is something I never
thought I would ever have to do.

So if I am not good at it, well, anyway.

I'm sorry for how I behaved
and I beg your forgiveness.

There, it is done.

- That's it, you came
by to say you're sorry?

- This was the first
time in my entire life

I have ever had to say that.

There is one other thing.

I want to take you for my husband.

- You want to take me for your --

- Do not say anything, yet.

My father already likes you.

You must know how I feel.

There are many reasons
why you should say yes.

- Well, I can think of
a couple right away.

You're beautiful and you're
worth a billion dollars,

but there are also some
reasons why I should say no.

For one thing, we're
from different cultures,

we'd probably have to
live in your country.

I couldn't do that, I like San Francisco.

And you're only 19, that's
not necessarily a negative.

- In my country, it is considered

the perfect difference in age.

- Yeah, well, it just wouldn't work.

See, the truth is, I'm in
love with someone else.

- I see.

And is this someone else
also in love with you?

- Well, I don't know, I
don't think she is yet.

- Never the less, you
intend to pursue the chance

that she will change her mind.

- Yeah, I'm gonna wait.

I'm gonna give her all the time she
needs

because she's worth it.

- Well, another new experience for
me.

You're the first person
who has ever told me no.

- I bet you a billion dollars
that I will also be the last.

- Salaam.

- Goodbye.

(solemn orchestral music)

She's kind of a cute kid, isn't she?

What's the matter, you crying?

- These damn onions.

- Those are carrots.

- What's the difference?

(solemn orchestral music)

(upbeat band music)

(crunch)