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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,026
(buzzer)
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,507
- Alright, alright, will you knock it off?
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:08,809
Lighten up.
4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,436
- Look ma, no hands.
5
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:12,312
- Great.
6
00:00:12,312 --> 00:00:13,212
(hits wall)
7
00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:16,149
- Here is the list of all the repair work
8
00:00:16,149 --> 00:00:17,750
this building needs.
9
00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:19,152
- I don't have time now.
10
00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:19,986
- Hooperman, please.
11
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,888
You have been ducking me all week.
12
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:23,423
- Alright, alright,
what's the bottom line.
13
00:00:23,423 --> 00:00:25,057
- $50,000 to do it right.
14
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:25,854
- $50,000?
15
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:30,096
It took my life savings
and a credit union loan
16
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:31,998
just to pay off the inheritance tax.
17
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,734
Okay, Bijoux, we're going to
try one more time, c'mon.
18
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:34,668
- V\/hat's the matter?
19
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:37,170
- It's a dog tranquilizer.
20
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:39,405
Took a couple of bites off of the
mailman.
21
00:00:39,406 --> 00:00:40,707
The guy's hauling me into court.
22
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,608
Which means if I can't
get him calmed down by 9am
23
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,345
I'm looking at a fine, who
knows, maybe jail time.
24
00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:47,413
Not to mention what they
could do to you, my man.
25
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:50,383
- By the way, Bijoux is not your man.
26
00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:51,579
Bijoux is a she.
27
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:54,053
- No, he's a he.
28
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,056
- She is a she.
29
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,524
I hope you're a little more observant
30
00:00:57,524 --> 00:00:59,652
when you're out on a date.
31
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,263
- I'll be damned, he's a girl.
32
00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,798
(dog squealing)
33
00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:08,701
- Anyway, look, this
building is not up to code.
34
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:09,536
- [Hooperman] Oh no you don't.
35
00:01:09,536 --> 00:01:10,370
- Sean Leibowitz in 3B
36
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:11,371
- [Hooperman] Bijoux, won't you come
here
37
00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:14,374
- is threatening a rent strike.
38
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:17,110
- I told you, I just
can't deal with this now.
39
00:01:17,110 --> 00:01:18,478
- Well, when can you?
40
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:19,673
- How about dinner tonight?
41
00:01:19,746 --> 00:01:21,481
We can go over the whole situation.
42
00:01:21,481 --> 00:01:23,783
- As long as it's clearly
understood it's not a date.
43
00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:25,619
- I didn't say it was a date.
44
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:27,954
- I didn't say you did, I said it isn't.
45
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:31,058
- Look, if it's a problem
we can do it on the phone.
46
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,459
- I have no problem doing it over
dinner
47
00:01:32,459 --> 00:01:33,726
as long as you know.
48
00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:34,594
- Fine.
49
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,391
- Fine.
50
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:37,931
- L give UP-
51
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:42,061
- Let me see see what you
have in the refrigerator.
52
00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:45,033
Aha.
53
00:01:45,973 --> 00:01:49,476
Here, wrap the pill in a slice of this.
54
00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:51,778
- Pastrami gives him terrible gas.
55
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,746
- Suit yourself.
56
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:54,873
- Okay, gimme.
57
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:00,444
Okay, Bijoux, last chance, okay.
58
00:02:01,755 --> 00:02:02,589
(teeth snapping) Ow!
59
00:02:02,589 --> 00:02:03,385
Ga rrrr!
60
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,626
(upbeat music with saxophone)
61
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:10,983
(medium-tempo music with
saxophone)
62
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,935
- State your name and occupation
please.
63
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,203
- Msepctor Harry Hooperman' SF PD.
64
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,272
- And this canine is Bijoux.
65
00:03:26,273 --> 00:03:27,607
- [Hooperman] That's correct.
66
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:29,871
(dog farts)
67
00:03:32,846 --> 00:03:34,180
- [Josh] Did your dog
68
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:36,049
bite mail carrier Stillwell, Inspector?
69
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:36,883
- [Hooperman] Yes.
70
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:38,351
- On both occasions as
alleged by Mr. Stillwell?
71
00:03:38,351 --> 00:03:39,552
- Yes, correct.
72
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,454
- Now, Inspector, could you tell the
coun
73
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,723
about the animal's career
in law enforcement?
74
00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,225
- Objection, irrelevant.
75
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:48,261
- I would argue it's highly
relevant to my client's defense.
76
00:03:48,261 --> 00:03:49,862
You see, this dog has a history
77
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,865
of solving complex criminal cases
78
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:55,034
including but not limited to, murder.
79
00:03:55,035 --> 00:03:57,404
(dog farts).
80
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,839
- I still fail to see the relevance.
81
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:03,542
- You've never heard of
narcotics dogs, your honor?
82
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:06,646
Canines trained specifically
to sniff out drugs.
83
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:10,483
- Inspector, is it your testimony that
84
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:12,786
this 7-pound gas bag
85
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,989
is a member of the police
narcotics canine call?
86
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:16,923
- Um.
87
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,291
- So what you are suggesting,
Inspector,
88
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:20,293
is that Mail Carrier Stillwell
89
00:04:20,293 --> 00:04:21,994
must have been in possession of
narcotics
90
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,830
on the two occasions Bijoux bit him?
91
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:24,764
- Objection!
92
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:25,599
- We're not suggesting he was
93
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,133
knowingly in possession, your honor.
94
00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,935
But rather that he was
the unwitting courier
95
00:04:28,935 --> 00:04:31,304
of a controlled substance
sent through the mail.
96
00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:34,440
- Causing Bijoux to assume Mr.
Stillwell was a malfeaser,
97
00:04:34,441 --> 00:04:37,677
your honor, and apply a
bicuspid canine restraint hold.
98
00:04:37,677 --> 00:04:40,413
- The dog has a known
record of similar complaints
99
00:04:40,413 --> 00:04:43,149
predating Inspector Hooperman's
ownership.
100
00:04:43,150 --> 00:04:44,985
- Objection, your honor,
to the district attorney's
101
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:48,688
sleazy back-door attempts to
introduce the dog's priors.
102
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:52,191
- I'd like to see a demonstration
of this dog's skills.
103
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:53,593
- Well, as you can tell, your honor,
104
00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:55,962
the dog is having a bad day.
105
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,430
- [Hooperman] Allergies.
106
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:01,333
- I'm going to continue this
case until 9am tomorrow,
107
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,804
at which time Inspector,
the dog better demonstrate
108
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:07,674
these alleged drug-sniffing skills
109
00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:10,643
or I'll be forced to find
you guilty as charged
110
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,145
and order him destroyed.
111
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,445
- No problem your honor, we'll be
ready.
112
00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,818
(dog farts)
113
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,788
- Bailiff, will someone
open a window in here?
114
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:23,189
- Yeah, ma, I promise my boobs
115
00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:25,525
will not hang out of the dress.
116
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:26,321
MY date?
117
00:05:27,527 --> 00:05:29,427
He's nice, really nice.
118
00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:32,624
Yes, he's got a job.
119
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,259
Of course not.
120
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,236
I haven't slept with him.
121
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:39,906
What kind of question is that?
122
00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:42,141
I know you only worry
because you're my mother
123
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:45,145
but don't, this one's a doll.
124
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,046
He's even Italian.
125
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:49,349
- [Betty] Mayhem, repeat mayhem
at the Black and Blue Bar.
126
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,751
- Yeah, ma, I gotta go.
127
00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:53,252
See you tonight, bye.
128
00:05:53,253 --> 00:05:55,888
- See the manager regarding
potential suspects
129
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,523
and location of body parts.
130
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:58,286
- I need a huge favor.
131
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,425
- What?
132
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:00,593
- Tonight.
133
00:06:00,594 --> 00:06:01,428
- No.
134
00:06:01,428 --> 00:06:03,294
- It's my cousin Gena's wedding,
135
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:07,066
I just got off the phone with
my date, he's got the flu.
136
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,501
- No, I hate weddings.
137
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,668
- You don't know my mother.
138
00:06:09,669 --> 00:06:11,737
If I show up alone I'll
never hear the end of it.
139
00:06:11,738 --> 00:06:13,940
Please, please, please.
140
00:06:13,940 --> 00:06:15,708
- Okay, okay, okay.
141
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:18,011
- Okay, Bijoux, look.
142
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:20,380
This is cocaine, smell.
143
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,848
[Hooperman] Now, pay attention.
144
00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:23,416
[Hooperman] Good dog.
145
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:24,975
[Hooperman] Smart, smart dog.
146
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:25,885
That, that'a girl, alright.
147
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,183
Now watch Bijoux.
148
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:32,125
I'm gonna hide this and
you have to try to find it.
149
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,259
- Would you please.
150
00:06:33,260 --> 00:06:34,628
- Just relax.
151
00:06:34,628 --> 00:06:35,686
Bijoux, fetch.
152
00:06:37,264 --> 00:06:39,466
[Hooperman] Fetch.
153
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:40,300
[Hooperman] Bijoux.
154
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:41,134
(dog farts)
155
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:42,368
[Hooperman] Oh, Bijoux.
156
00:06:42,369 --> 00:06:43,603
- This is humiliating.
157
00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:44,704
[Hooperman] Bijoux.
158
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:45,971
Fetch.
159
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:50,102
For God's sake, Bijoux, I could
be facing a perjury charge.
160
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:53,906
Bijoux, cocaine, see?
161
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,817
Bijoux, you be a good dog and look,
162
00:06:57,817 --> 00:06:59,585
look what Harry has.
163
00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,111
Yum, yum, YUP", YUm-
164
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:06,225
- I can actually still remember
when cops used to be cops.
165
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,694
No dogs, no homos,
166
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,297
no wimps.
167
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,131
- Excuse me.
168
00:07:11,131 --> 00:07:11,965
- No women.
169
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,364
- Excuse me, um,
170
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,731
Excuse me, good morning, um,
171
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:18,638
I know you're all aware
172
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:21,007
that my behavior for
the past couple of days
173
00:07:21,007 --> 00:07:23,237
has been erratic and harsh,
174
00:07:24,678 --> 00:07:26,146
be that as it may,
175
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,615
things are well under control now
176
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:32,485
and I intend to carry
on business as usual.
177
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:33,247
Thank you.
178
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,790
(cans rolling on floor)
179
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,425
- [Captain] Hooperman!
180
00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:41,661
[Captain] In my office.
181
00:07:41,661 --> 00:07:42,457
- Oh, boy.
182
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:45,798
- This is not a kennel, Hooperman.
183
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:46,823
- Yes, ma'am!
184
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,835
(slams trash can)
185
00:07:49,836 --> 00:07:50,997
Be a pal, Bobo.
186
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:53,573
I'm sorry Captain.
187
00:07:54,607 --> 00:07:56,475
- I want that damn dog out of here.
188
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,310
- I'm trying, Captain,
189
00:07:57,310 --> 00:08:00,946
all anyone wants is a cute young
PUPPY-
190
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:02,472
- Tell me about it.
191
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:04,984
- I know this is none
of my business, Captain,
192
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:07,020
but are you all right?
193
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,654
- I'm fine.
194
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:10,323
- Does your lower lip know that?
195
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,891
- I'm fine.
196
00:08:11,891 --> 00:08:13,692
- What's the big shook here?
197
00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:17,530
45-year-old husband
discards 43-year-old wife
198
00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:20,065
to find the answer to life's problems
199
00:08:20,066 --> 00:08:22,668
in the arms of a 22-year-old airhead.
200
00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:24,704
Happens all the time.
201
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,906
- God, Captain, I'm sorry.
202
00:08:26,906 --> 00:08:28,207
- Don't be.
203
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:30,977
I don't want to be the
object of anyone's pity.
204
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,511
Is that perfectly clear?
205
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:36,349
- Yes, ma'am, but if
there's anything I can do.
206
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,485
I know there's not much but
say you just need a friend
207
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:41,386
or a shoulder to cry on.
208
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,658
- I feel so humiliated.
209
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:50,620
So worthless.
210
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:52,724
So frightened.
211
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,233
- I know, I know.
212
00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,205
I know what that's like.
213
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,173
- And if I've been taking
it out on everybody else,
214
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,208
I'm sorry.
215
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,175
- It's okay.
216
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:07,308
(soothing music)
217
00:09:09,849 --> 00:09:12,051
- So what do you write exactly?
218
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:12,848
- Novels.
219
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:16,689
Serious novels about the human
condition.
220
00:09:16,689 --> 00:09:17,890
- Really?
221
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,525
- Mr. Hooperman, are you going to
deal
222
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,594
with this list of building repairs or not?
223
00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:23,596
- I have no money.
224
00:09:23,596 --> 00:09:25,364
I told you, I'm a cop not a landlord.
225
00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:27,200
This building's going to bankrupt me.
226
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,768
- Well then refinance.
227
00:09:28,768 --> 00:09:32,438
As a single man with no
dependents you need the tax break.
228
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:34,874
Plus the building represents
substantial equity
229
00:09:34,874 --> 00:09:36,308
in an appreciating neighborhood.
230
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:37,910
- I'm sorry, my mind is made up.
231
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,413
- In other words, God
forbid you should have
232
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,948
any adult responsibilities
that get in the way
233
00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:46,419
of your self-image as some
sort of macho urban cowboy
234
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,488
dispensing justice from
the business end of a .38?
235
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:51,324
- That is a crock.
236
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:55,161
- You are just like every
cop I have ever met.
237
00:09:55,161 --> 00:09:55,995
- Is that right?
238
00:09:55,995 --> 00:09:57,997
- Yes, you are belligerent,
argumentative,
239
00:09:57,997 --> 00:10:00,799
hiding behind violence
to mask low self-esteem,
240
00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,968
your gun a lethal phallic symbol
241
00:10:02,969 --> 00:10:05,171
without which you feel impotent.
242
00:10:05,171 --> 00:10:06,005
- Shut up.
243
00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:06,839
(gun safety clicking off)
- Afraid of the truth?
244
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:08,107
- No, I'm afraid of the shotgun.
245
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:08,942
- Listen up!
246
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,177
Your money and your
valuables on the table, now.
247
00:10:11,177 --> 00:10:12,978
And no one will get hurt.
248
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:14,580
- [Smith] Are you crazy,
what are you doing?
249
00:10:14,581 --> 00:10:16,683
- Whatever happens do
not tell them I'm a cop.
250
00:10:16,683 --> 00:10:17,809
- But you are.
251
00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:20,620
- Let's go lady, move it.
252
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,454
- Back off.
253
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:22,288
- [Robber] Now.
254
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:24,757
- Do you have any idea
who you're messing with?
255
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:25,791
- Is this your wife?
256
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,093
- Uh, no.
257
00:10:27,093 --> 00:10:29,261
- Dump her now, pal, while you still
can.
258
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,562
(Shuffling under table)
259
00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,064
- Ah!
260
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,005
I don't believe this, you
are supposed to be a cop,
261
00:10:40,006 --> 00:10:41,273
why didn't you do something?
262
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:45,404
- Like what exactly, blow them
away with my phallic symbol?
263
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,278
(door slams open)
264
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:51,417
(upbeat music with saxophone)
265
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:55,183
(upbeat music with saxophone)
266
00:10:56,890 --> 00:10:58,358
- [Judge] Are you prepared to
demonstrate
267
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:01,060
this canine's drug-sniffing capability?
268
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,694
- Well actually, your honor, um,
269
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:04,363
- Ah, Mr. Miller.
270
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,498
- I'm sorry, your honor, I'm
271
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:06,932
- Next time, bring a
note from your mother.
272
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:11,070
Now, Inspector, the court
waits with baited breath
273
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,338
for this creature to deliver
- Where were you?
274
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:15,974
- As advertised or I'm going to be
forced
275
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:20,179
to find you guilty as charged
and levy a $1,000 fine,
276
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,547
five days in the county slam,
277
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,151
and to order the dog destroyed,
278
00:11:25,151 --> 00:11:26,552
(dog barks)
279
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:29,055
as a hazard to public health and
welfare.
280
00:11:29,055 --> 00:11:30,723
(dog barks)
- Sorry_
281
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:32,391
Bijoux.
282
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:33,226
OW!
283
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,827
- [Josh] Hey, what the
hell's with the dog?
284
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:36,395
- [Judge] Bailiff,
bring me that briefcase.
285
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,230
(dog barks)
286
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,498
- Get.
- What's the matter with him?
287
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:42,335
That's my briefcase, what are you
doing?!
288
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:43,803
- Come here, stop.
289
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,439
(dog barking)
290
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,406
Settle down.
291
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:49,637
Sorry.
292
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,879
(dog barks)
293
00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,641
Bijoux.
294
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:59,184
- Well, Inspector, looks like
295
00:11:59,185 --> 00:12:02,788
I owe you and your canine an
apology.
296
00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:03,856
This case is dismissed.
297
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,224
(briefcase slams shut)
298
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,059
Never move, Inspector.
299
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:07,794
(dog whines)
300
00:12:07,794 --> 00:12:11,594
(phones ring and people talk)
301
00:12:13,766 --> 00:12:16,201
- Mom, I'm working.
302
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:16,998
Mom, fine.
303
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,206
Right.
304
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:21,640
I'll call you later.
305
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:22,437
Bye.
306
00:12:28,047 --> 00:12:30,749
My mother's in love with you.
307
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,485
She wants us to get married.
308
00:12:32,485 --> 00:12:33,319
(laughs)
309
00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:35,220
- Didn't you tell her I was gay?
310
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:37,957
- She didn't think that
would be such a big problem.
311
00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,892
She said with my father
it was all the time sex,
312
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,894
sex, sex, which to her way of thinking
313
00:12:41,894 --> 00:12:43,662
it's no big deal to begin with,
314
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,998
whereas, with a husband like you,
315
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:48,735
a person could always count
on a good night's sleep.
316
00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:52,004
(soft laughing)
317
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:52,839
- [Josh] I'm suing this entire
department
318
00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:54,340
for wrongful arrest.
319
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:57,976
- You had five grams of
cocaine in your briefcase
320
00:12:57,977 --> 00:12:59,278
and I didn't put it there.
321
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,680
- Totally illegal search and seizure,
322
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,415
that dog didn't sniff out
cocaine and you know it.
323
00:13:02,415 --> 00:13:05,385
He sniffed out my pastrami sandwich.
324
00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,654
- Is this true?
325
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,822
- Possibly.
326
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:11,290
- A pastrami-sniffing dog
327
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,626
does not make for a great case, Harry.
328
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,027
- If I have to spend the night in jail,
329
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:18,464
it's going to cost this
department a million bucks.
330
00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:21,700
- Tell you what, counselor,
set me up with your supplier,
331
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,035
we'll drop the charges.
332
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,470
- Are you kidding?
333
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:25,771
A person could get seriously killed
334
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:28,608
for doing something like that.
335
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:32,778
- Josh, I want you to get
the full picture here,
336
00:13:32,779 --> 00:13:35,114
see I've got this friend at The
Examiner,
337
00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:37,616
I give him a call, he races over here,
338
00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,119
you know, your basic photo
of Bijoux the Wonder Dog,
339
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,488
bag of cocaine in his mouth.
340
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:44,323
Snappy description of how he took
down
341
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:47,460
this coke-crazed lawyer right
in the middle of a trial.
342
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:50,396
Next, I want you to picture
the managing partner
343
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:53,132
of your stuffy downtown law firm,
344
00:13:53,132 --> 00:13:55,701
newspaper propped up
in front of his prunes.
345
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,071
- Harry, you wouldn't.
346
00:13:58,071 --> 00:13:59,505
They'd fire me.
347
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,806
- This is true, Josh.
348
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:02,041
- Disbar me.
349
00:14:02,041 --> 00:14:03,342
- Also true.
350
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:06,040
- Oh, God, I could lose my 325-I.
351
00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:08,547
- What?
352
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:10,149
- My beamer!
353
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:13,346
- 4:30, corner of Sacramento and
Mason.
354
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:15,517
Great.
355
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:20,060
He'll be reading The Sporting Green.
356
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:24,596
- Keep him on ice for an
hour and then kick him.
357
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:25,731
(sighs)
358
00:14:25,732 --> 00:14:28,463
Hooperman, a moment of your time.
359
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:34,106
There's something we
have to straighten out
360
00:14:34,107 --> 00:14:36,943
with respect to our
conversation yesterday.
361
00:14:36,943 --> 00:14:38,044
- Yes, ma'am.
362
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:41,447
- As you know, I'm not
normally given to tears.
363
00:14:41,447 --> 00:14:45,475
And that was a very
uncharacteristic display of emotion.
364
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,052
- It's understandable, Captain.
365
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,389
- It's not easy being a
woman in this job, Hooperman.
366
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:53,426
What I mean is, I don't
want you telling people
367
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,655
you saw me cry.
368
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:57,429
- With all due respect, Captain,
369
00:14:57,430 --> 00:14:59,965
it's nothing to be embarrassed about.
370
00:14:59,966 --> 00:15:02,230
- Because, women cry, right?
371
00:15:05,304 --> 00:15:09,541
- I remember the first time I
ever answered a domestic call,
372
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:14,042
child abuse, and this
kid, he had a broken nose,
373
00:15:14,147 --> 00:15:17,117
broken arm, welts all over his body,
374
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,653
all the way down to county medical,
375
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:25,284
he's telling us how
much he loves his folks.
376
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:27,826
How it was all his fault.
377
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:31,297
How if he could just figure
out how to be a better boy,
378
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:33,465
his parents would love him more.
379
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:36,302
He was, I don't know, six, seven years
old
380
00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:39,272
and all he wanted to do was go home.
381
00:15:40,473 --> 00:15:44,810
And I cried, I cried for that
poor little guy, Captain,
382
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:49,311
because I knew sooner or later
he was going to get his wish.
383
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,817
(sniffling)
384
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:54,453
And I'll tell you, if I had a buck,
385
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,480
for every time I've cried since then,
386
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:00,489
I'd be retired by now.
387
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,030
- Here's the money for the
388
00:16:05,031 --> 00:16:05,827
- What?
389
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:09,066
- Aw, geez.
390
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,008
(sighs)
391
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:18,978
(suspenseful music)
392
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:31,890
- You Mr. Vvallerstein?
393
00:16:31,891 --> 00:16:32,958
- Yes, sir.
394
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,327
- C'mon in.
395
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,529
- Ah, actually I'm late for court.
396
00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,157
- No problem, I'll drop you off.
397
00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,933
(engine starts)
398
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:52,978
- Josh tells me you're
having a party tonight.
399
00:16:52,979 --> 00:16:54,847
- Yeah, I made partner in my law firm.
400
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,850
- Good, so you want to
do a little celebrating.
401
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,052
- About four grams worth.
402
00:17:00,052 --> 00:17:02,180
- You got the cash on you.
403
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,324
- You take plastic?
404
00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:07,392
You don't validate do you?
405
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:08,360
Just kidding.
406
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:09,328
Here you go.
407
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:13,027
$500?
408
00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:21,803
Thank you.
409
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:30,049
Aw, listen, it's going to be a one-way
410
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,050
the wrong way up here,
411
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:33,786
it'll probably be faster
if I just get out and walk.
412
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:36,414
- Cecil, pull over, let him out.
413
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,860
(suspenseful music)
414
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:43,896
- Alright.
415
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:45,964
Nice doing business with you, sir.
416
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,491
(sirens blare)
417
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:53,267
- Drop it!
418
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:56,709
NOW!
419
00:17:56,709 --> 00:17:59,679
(suspenseful music)
420
00:18:09,989 --> 00:18:12,287
(sad music)
421
00:18:14,493 --> 00:18:15,727
- [Smith] People, people, please,
422
00:18:15,728 --> 00:18:17,396
I understand all of your problems
423
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:19,765
but I can't do anything
without authorization.
424
00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:20,932
- [Tennant] Well, I can't do anything
425
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,768
with my hair, Ms. Smith.
426
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,836
Ha! Mr. Slumlord himself.
427
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,171
- Here's our list, Hooperman.
428
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:27,306
- [Tennant] Including but not limited to
429
00:18:27,306 --> 00:18:29,808
the absence of make-up
lights in the powder room.
430
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,111
- Okay, okay, let me
just study these demands.
431
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,012
- Well no more rent till you meet them.
432
00:18:34,013 --> 00:18:35,347
Study that.
433
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,616
- Look, you people picked the
wrong night to get in my face.
434
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,618
- Excuse me, Hooperman
- I have
435
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:41,187
- Come on, let me buy you a beer.
436
00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:43,455
Excuse us, people.
437
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:47,293
- Okay, look, painting
and carpeting can wait
438
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:48,460
but even if I sell the place,
439
00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,330
I still gotta do plumbing
440
00:18:51,330 --> 00:18:53,999
and get the boiler back on its feet.
441
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,502
- Plus the exterminator.
442
00:18:56,502 --> 00:18:59,371
(Hooperman groans)
443
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,606
Hello?
444
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:01,402
Yes?
445
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:03,876
Yes.
446
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,002
I'm on my way.
447
00:19:06,212 --> 00:19:08,112
- 2C sprung a gas leak.
448
00:19:09,348 --> 00:19:12,477
Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.
449
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:15,988
- [Smith] Oops, move it Bijoux.
450
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,185
- Johnny Big?
451
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:31,003
Johnny Big slid a beefy
hand inside his jacket,
452
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,804
feeling along the belt line,
453
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:36,208
until his fingers found
and curled lovingly
454
00:19:36,208 --> 00:19:40,338
around the butt end of his
cold blue-steeled Walther .32.
455
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:43,481
The roar of his automatic
456
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:46,151
echoed madly in the small restaurant.
457
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,521
The startled goon opened
his mouth in sudden surprise
458
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:53,021
and gushed a quart of blood
into his shopping bag.
459
00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:57,759
Johnny Big leveled his Walther
at the ferret-faced albino
460
00:19:58,097 --> 00:19:59,765
holding the shotgun.
461
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:03,001
Give me an excuse, said
Johnny, almost gleefully
462
00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:07,039
as his fingers flexed tight
around a suddenly hot .32.
463
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:10,075
They, they went out where the air was
464
00:20:10,076 --> 00:20:11,177
(bag slams to floor)
465
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:12,578
- How dare you?
466
00:20:12,578 --> 00:20:13,779
- Look, I'm sorry.
467
00:20:13,779 --> 00:20:16,840
- Look, I think you had better leave.
468
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,756
- Can I ask you one question?
469
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,792
Is Johnny Big really your
idea of a serious novel
470
00:20:26,792 --> 00:20:28,886
about the human condition?
471
00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:31,589
- No, Mr. Hooperman,
472
00:20:32,631 --> 00:20:35,300
Johnny Big is my idea of
how to make enough money
473
00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:37,403
so I can afford the
luxury of writing about
474
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,638
what's really important.
475
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:40,434
- Uh-Huh.
476
00:20:41,607 --> 00:20:43,976
Last night you were furious
at me for not being heroic
477
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:44,910
like Johnny Big,
478
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,378
well let me tell you something, lady.
479
00:20:46,378 --> 00:20:48,480
A couple of hours ago,
I had to stick my gun
480
00:20:48,481 --> 00:20:51,383
into the face of some guy
who's ready to blow away
481
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:53,952
a street full of people with an Uzi.
482
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,751
I was scared to death.
483
00:20:56,622 --> 00:20:58,624
Violence is horrible, Miss Smith
484
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:01,093
and most of the cops I know
spend their whole lives
485
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,995
praying they'll never
have to pull the trigger.
486
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:06,732
Hey, look, I'm sorry I
read your manuscript.
487
00:21:06,732 --> 00:21:08,400
It was rude of me and it was wrong.
488
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,530
But I've got to tell you, you
know nothing about violence
489
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:17,767
because if you did you
wouldn't glorify it.
490
00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:23,912
- Wait a minute.
491
00:21:26,418 --> 00:21:28,113
I owe you an apology.
492
00:21:30,356 --> 00:21:33,025
I was hard on you last night.
493
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:36,094
I have a habit of doing
that to men I'm attracted to
494
00:21:36,095 --> 00:21:38,464
but that's another story.
495
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,330
Anyway, I misjudged you
496
00:21:41,934 --> 00:21:43,268
and I'm sorry,
497
00:21:43,269 --> 00:21:45,465
you are a very special man.
498
00:21:49,341 --> 00:21:50,308
- Thank you.
499
00:21:52,044 --> 00:21:53,443
- You're welcome.
500
00:21:56,849 --> 00:21:58,617
(dog whines and barks)
501
00:21:58,617 --> 00:22:00,018
- Bijoux, Bijoux
502
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:02,354
Bijoux, will you stop it?
503
00:22:02,354 --> 00:22:06,358
- Ah, look I really should
be getting back to work.
504
00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:07,826
- Yeah, goodnight.
505
00:22:10,029 --> 00:22:10,996
- Goodnight.
506
00:22:18,971 --> 00:22:21,668
- Thanks a lot you jealous crumb.
507
00:22:26,078 --> 00:22:28,046
(sighs)
508
00:22:29,648 --> 00:22:32,884
What am I supposed to do with you,
huh?
509
00:22:32,885 --> 00:22:36,185
You're ugly, bad-tempered, you have
93$,
510
00:22:38,424 --> 00:22:40,051
you snore, you bite,
511
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,022
you're manipulative,
512
00:22:46,832 --> 00:22:47,628
but
513
00:22:49,001 --> 00:22:53,338
J1 I've grown accustomed to your face
514
00:22:53,339 --> 00:22:56,608
J1 It almost makes the day begin
515
00:22:56,609 --> 00:22:59,678
J1 I was serenely independent
516
00:22:59,678 --> 00:23:03,348
Ii And da-da before we met
517
00:23:03,349 --> 00:23:06,585
J1 Surely, something, something,
518
00:23:06,585 --> 00:23:10,044
J1 One can always mend yet
519
00:23:11,423 --> 00:23:15,794
J1 I've grown accustomed to your face
520
00:23:15,794 --> 00:23:18,963
D Accustomed to your face
521
00:23:18,964 --> 00:23:22,423
D Accustomed to your face
522
00:23:23,702 --> 00:23:26,763
(slow clarinet music)
523
00:23:37,816 --> 00:23:41,616
(upbeat music with saxophone)
36509
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