Original subtitles

(buzzer)

- Alright, alright, will you knock it off?

Lighten up.

- Look ma, no hands.

- Great.

(hits wall)

- Here is the list of all the repair work

this building needs.

- I don't have time now.

- Hooperman, please.

You have been ducking me all week.

- Alright, alright, what's the bottom line.

- $50,000 to do it right.

- $50,000?

It took my life savings and a credit union loan

just to pay off the inheritance tax.

Okay, Bijoux, we're going to try one more time, c'mon.

- V\/hat's the matter?

- It's a dog tranquilizer.

Took a couple of bites off of the mailman.

The guy's hauling me into court.

Which means if I can't get him calmed down by 9am

I'm looking at a fine, who knows, maybe jail time.

Not to mention what they could do to you, my man.

- By the way, Bijoux is not your man.

Bijoux is a she.

- No, he's a he.

- She is a she.

I hope you're a little more observant

when you're out on a date.

- I'll be damned, he's a girl.

(dog squealing)

- Anyway, look, this building is not up to code.

- [Hooperman] Oh no you don't.

- Sean Leibowitz in 3B

- [Hooperman] Bijoux, won't you come here

- is threatening a rent strike.

- I told you, I just can't deal with this now.

- Well, when can you?

- How about dinner tonight?

We can go over the whole situation.

- As long as it's clearly understood it's not a date.

- I didn't say it was a date.

- I didn't say you did, I said it isn't.

- Look, if it's a problem we can do it on the phone.

- I have no problem doing it over dinner

as long as you know.

- Fine.

- Fine.

- L give UP-

- Let me see see what you have in the refrigerator.

Aha.

Here, wrap the pill in a slice of this.

- Pastrami gives him terrible gas.

- Suit yourself.

- Okay, gimme.

Okay, Bijoux, last chance, okay.

(teeth snapping) Ow!

Ga rrrr!

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(medium-tempo music with saxophone)

- State your name and occupation please.

- Msepctor Harry Hooperman' SF PD.

- And this canine is Bijoux.

- [Hooperman] That's correct.

(dog farts)

- [Josh] Did your dog

bite mail carrier Stillwell, Inspector?

- [Hooperman] Yes.

- On both occasions as alleged by Mr. Stillwell?

- Yes, correct.

- Now, Inspector, could you tell the coun

about the animal's career in law enforcement?

- Objection, irrelevant.

- I would argue it's highly relevant to my client's defense.

You see, this dog has a history

of solving complex criminal cases

including but not limited to, murder.

(dog farts).

- I still fail to see the relevance.

- You've never heard of narcotics dogs, your honor?

Canines trained specifically to sniff out drugs.

- Inspector, is it your testimony that

this 7-pound gas bag

is a member of the police narcotics canine call?

- Um.

- So what you are suggesting, Inspector,

is that Mail Carrier Stillwell

must have been in possession of narcotics

on the two occasions Bijoux bit him?

- Objection!

- We're not suggesting he was

knowingly in possession, your honor.

But rather that he was the unwitting courier

of a controlled substance sent through the mail.

- Causing Bijoux to assume Mr. Stillwell was a malfeaser,

your honor, and apply a bicuspid canine restraint hold.

- The dog has a known record of similar complaints

predating Inspector Hooperman's ownership.

- Objection, your honor, to the district attorney's

sleazy back-door attempts to introduce the dog's priors.

- I'd like to see a demonstration of this dog's skills.

- Well, as you can tell, your honor,

the dog is having a bad day.

- [Hooperman] Allergies.

- I'm going to continue this case until 9am tomorrow,

at which time Inspector, the dog better demonstrate

these alleged drug-sniffing skills

or I'll be forced to find you guilty as charged

and order him destroyed.

- No problem your honor, we'll be ready.

(dog farts)

- Bailiff, will someone open a window in here?

- Yeah, ma, I promise my boobs

will not hang out of the dress.

MY date?

He's nice, really nice.

Yes, he's got a job.

Of course not.

I haven't slept with him.

What kind of question is that?

I know you only worry because you're my mother

but don't, this one's a doll.

He's even Italian.

- [Betty] Mayhem, repeat mayhem at the Black and Blue Bar.

- Yeah, ma, I gotta go.

See you tonight, bye.

- See the manager regarding potential suspects

and location of body parts.

- I need a huge favor.

- What?

- Tonight.

- No.

- It's my cousin Gena's wedding,

I just got off the phone with my date, he's got the flu.

- No, I hate weddings.

- You don't know my mother.

If I show up alone I'll never hear the end of it.

Please, please, please.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- Okay, Bijoux, look.

This is cocaine, smell.

[Hooperman] Now, pay attention.

[Hooperman] Good dog.

[Hooperman] Smart, smart dog.

That, that'a girl, alright.

Now watch Bijoux.

I'm gonna hide this and you have to try to find it.

- Would you please.

- Just relax.

Bijoux, fetch.

[Hooperman] Fetch.

[Hooperman] Bijoux.

(dog farts)

[Hooperman] Oh, Bijoux.

- This is humiliating.

[Hooperman] Bijoux.

Fetch.

For God's sake, Bijoux, I could be facing a perjury charge.

Bijoux, cocaine, see?

Bijoux, you be a good dog and look,

look what Harry has.

Yum, yum, YUP", YUm-

- I can actually still remember when cops used to be cops.

No dogs, no homos,

no wimps.

- Excuse me.

- No women.

- Excuse me, um,

Excuse me, good morning, um,

I know you're all aware

that my behavior for the past couple of days

has been erratic and harsh,

be that as it may,

things are well under control now

and I intend to carry on business as usual.

Thank you.

(cans rolling on floor)

- [Captain] Hooperman!

[Captain] In my office.

- Oh, boy.

- This is not a kennel, Hooperman.

- Yes, ma'am!

(slams trash can)

Be a pal, Bobo.

I'm sorry Captain.

- I want that damn dog out of here.

- I'm trying, Captain,

all anyone wants is a cute young PUPPY-

- Tell me about it.

- I know this is none of my business, Captain,

but are you all right?

- I'm fine.

- Does your lower lip know that?

- I'm fine.

- What's the big shook here?

45-year-old husband discards 43-year-old wife

to find the answer to life's problems

in the arms of a 22-year-old airhead.

Happens all the time.

- God, Captain, I'm sorry.

- Don't be.

I don't want to be the object of anyone's pity.

Is that perfectly clear?

- Yes, ma'am, but if there's anything I can do.

I know there's not much but say you just need a friend

or a shoulder to cry on.

- I feel so humiliated.

So worthless.

So frightened.

- I know, I know.

I know what that's like.

- And if I've been taking it out on everybody else,

I'm sorry.

- It's okay.

(soothing music)

- So what do you write exactly?

- Novels.

Serious novels about the human condition.

- Really?

- Mr. Hooperman, are you going to deal

with this list of building repairs or not?

- I have no money.

I told you, I'm a cop not a landlord.

This building's going to bankrupt me.

- Well then refinance.

As a single man with no dependents you need the tax break.

Plus the building represents substantial equity

in an appreciating neighborhood.

- I'm sorry, my mind is made up.

- In other words, God forbid you should have

any adult responsibilities that get in the way

of your self-image as some sort of macho urban cowboy

dispensing justice from the business end of a .38?

- That is a crock.

- You are just like every cop I have ever met.

- Is that right?

- Yes, you are belligerent, argumentative,

hiding behind violence to mask low self-esteem,

your gun a lethal phallic symbol

without which you feel impotent.

- Shut up.

(gun safety clicking off) - Afraid of the truth?

- No, I'm afraid of the shotgun.

- Listen up!

Your money and your valuables on the table, now.

And no one will get hurt.

- [Smith] Are you crazy, what are you doing?

- Whatever happens do not tell them I'm a cop.

- But you are.

- Let's go lady, move it.

- Back off.

- [Robber] Now.

- Do you have any idea who you're messing with?

- Is this your wife?

- Uh, no.

- Dump her now, pal, while you still can.

(Shuffling under table)

- Ah!

I don't believe this, you are supposed to be a cop,

why didn't you do something?

- Like what exactly, blow them away with my phallic symbol?

(door slams open)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

(upbeat music with saxophone)

- [Judge] Are you prepared to demonstrate

this canine's drug-sniffing capability?

- Well actually, your honor, um,

- Ah, Mr. Miller.

- I'm sorry, your honor, I'm

- Next time, bring a note from your mother.

Now, Inspector, the court waits with baited breath

for this creature to deliver - Where were you?

- As advertised or I'm going to be forced

to find you guilty as charged and levy a $1,000 fine,

five days in the county slam,

and to order the dog destroyed,

(dog barks)

as a hazard to public health and welfare.

(dog barks) - Sorry_

Bijoux.

OW!

- [Josh] Hey, what the hell's with the dog?

- [Judge] Bailiff, bring me that briefcase.

(dog barks)

- Get. - What's the matter with him?

That's my briefcase, what are you doing?!

- Come here, stop.

(dog barking)

Settle down.

Sorry.

(dog barks)

Bijoux.

- Well, Inspector, looks like

I owe you and your canine an apology.

This case is dismissed.

(briefcase slams shut)

Never move, Inspector.

(dog whines)

(phones ring and people talk)

- Mom, I'm working.

Mom, fine.

Right.

I'll call you later.

Bye.

My mother's in love with you.

She wants us to get married.

(laughs)

- Didn't you tell her I was gay?

- She didn't think that would be such a big problem.

She said with my father it was all the time sex,

sex, sex, which to her way of thinking

it's no big deal to begin with,

whereas, with a husband like you,

a person could always count on a good night's sleep.

(soft laughing)

- [Josh] I'm suing this entire department

for wrongful arrest.

- You had five grams of cocaine in your briefcase

and I didn't put it there.

- Totally illegal search and seizure,

that dog didn't sniff out cocaine and you know it.

He sniffed out my pastrami sandwich.

- Is this true?

- Possibly.

- A pastrami-sniffing dog

does not make for a great case, Harry.

- If I have to spend the night in jail,

it's going to cost this department a million bucks.

- Tell you what, counselor, set me up with your supplier,

we'll drop the charges.

- Are you kidding?

A person could get seriously killed

for doing something like that.

- Josh, I want you to get the full picture here,

see I've got this friend at The Examiner,

I give him a call, he races over here,

you know, your basic photo of Bijoux the Wonder Dog,

bag of cocaine in his mouth.

Snappy description of how he took down

this coke-crazed lawyer right in the middle of a trial.

Next, I want you to picture the managing partner

of your stuffy downtown law firm,

newspaper propped up in front of his prunes.

- Harry, you wouldn't.

They'd fire me.

- This is true, Josh.

- Disbar me.

- Also true.

- Oh, God, I could lose my 325-I.

- What?

- My beamer!

- 4:30, corner of Sacramento and Mason.

Great.

He'll be reading The Sporting Green.

- Keep him on ice for an hour and then kick him.

(sighs)

Hooperman, a moment of your time.

There's something we have to straighten out

with respect to our conversation yesterday.

- Yes, ma'am.

- As you know, I'm not normally given to tears.

And that was a very uncharacteristic display of emotion.

- It's understandable, Captain.

- It's not easy being a woman in this job, Hooperman.

What I mean is, I don't want you telling people

you saw me cry.

- With all due respect, Captain,

it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

- Because, women cry, right?

- I remember the first time I ever answered a domestic call,

child abuse, and this kid, he had a broken nose,

broken arm, welts all over his body,

all the way down to county medical,

he's telling us how much he loves his folks.

How it was all his fault.

How if he could just figure out how to be a better boy,

his parents would love him more.

He was, I don't know, six, seven years old

and all he wanted to do was go home.

And I cried, I cried for that poor little guy, Captain,

because I knew sooner or later he was going to get his wish.

(sniffling)

And I'll tell you, if I had a buck,

for every time I've cried since then,

I'd be retired by now.

- Here's the money for the

- What?

- Aw, geez.

(sighs)

(suspenseful music)

- You Mr. Vvallerstein?

- Yes, sir.

- C'mon in.

- Ah, actually I'm late for court.

- No problem, I'll drop you off.

(engine starts)

- Josh tells me you're having a party tonight.

- Yeah, I made partner in my law firm.

- Good, so you want to do a little celebrating.

- About four grams worth.

- You got the cash on you.

- You take plastic?

You don't validate do you?

Just kidding.

Here you go.

$500?

Thank you.

Aw, listen, it's going to be a one-way

the wrong way up here,

it'll probably be faster if I just get out and walk.

- Cecil, pull over, let him out.

(suspenseful music)

- Alright.

Nice doing business with you, sir.

(sirens blare)

- Drop it!

NOW!

(suspenseful music)

(sad music)

- [Smith] People, people, please,

I understand all of your problems

but I can't do anything without authorization.

- [Tennant] Well, I can't do anything

with my hair, Ms. Smith.

Ha! Mr. Slumlord himself.

- Here's our list, Hooperman.

- [Tennant] Including but not limited to

the absence of make-up lights in the powder room.

- Okay, okay, let me just study these demands.

- Well no more rent till you meet them.

Study that.

- Look, you people picked the wrong night to get in my face.

- Excuse me, Hooperman - I have

- Come on, let me buy you a beer.

Excuse us, people.

- Okay, look, painting and carpeting can wait

but even if I sell the place,

I still gotta do plumbing

and get the boiler back on its feet.

- Plus the exterminator.

(Hooperman groans)

Hello?

Yes?

Yes.

I'm on my way.

- 2C sprung a gas leak.

Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back.

- [Smith] Oops, move it Bijoux.

- Johnny Big?

Johnny Big slid a beefy hand inside his jacket,

feeling along the belt line,

until his fingers found and curled lovingly

around the butt end of his cold blue-steeled Walther .32.

The roar of his automatic

echoed madly in the small restaurant.

The startled goon opened his mouth in sudden surprise

and gushed a quart of blood into his shopping bag.

Johnny Big leveled his Walther at the ferret-faced albino

holding the shotgun.

Give me an excuse, said Johnny, almost gleefully

as his fingers flexed tight around a suddenly hot .32.

They, they went out where the air was

(bag slams to floor)

- How dare you?

- Look, I'm sorry.

- Look, I think you had better leave.

- Can I ask you one question?

Is Johnny Big really your idea of a serious novel

about the human condition?

- No, Mr. Hooperman,

Johnny Big is my idea of how to make enough money

so I can afford the luxury of writing about

what's really important.

- Uh-Huh.

Last night you were furious at me for not being heroic

like Johnny Big,

well let me tell you something, lady.

A couple of hours ago, I had to stick my gun

into the face of some guy who's ready to blow away

a street full of people with an Uzi.

I was scared to death.

Violence is horrible, Miss Smith

and most of the cops I know spend their whole lives

praying they'll never have to pull the trigger.

Hey, look, I'm sorry I read your manuscript.

It was rude of me and it was wrong.

But I've got to tell you, you know nothing about violence

because if you did you wouldn't glorify it.

- Wait a minute.

I owe you an apology.

I was hard on you last night.

I have a habit of doing that to men I'm attracted to

but that's another story.

Anyway, I misjudged you

and I'm sorry,

you are a very special man.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

(dog whines and barks)

- Bijoux, Bijoux

Bijoux, will you stop it?

- Ah, look I really should be getting back to work.

- Yeah, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Thanks a lot you jealous crumb.

(sighs)

What am I supposed to do with you, huh?

You're ugly, bad-tempered, you have 93$,

you snore, you bite,

you're manipulative,

but

J1 I've grown accustomed to your face

J1 It almost makes the day begin

J1 I was serenely independent

Ii And da-da before we met

J1 Surely, something, something,

J1 One can always mend yet

J1 I've grown accustomed to your face

D Accustomed to your face

D Accustomed to your face

(slow clarinet music)

(upbeat music with saxophone)