Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 What the fuck?!

Marnie, what the fuck? When did you get here?

Like, 1:00 AM. You were just asleep for, like, 13 hours.

How did you get in?

If you think your country windows are secure downstairs, think again.

What are you doing here?

I would like to help you raise your baby.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You're about to go through an incredibly intense,

emotional, tough, but miraculous transition.

And I would like to be here to help and support you.

Well, this is just like Adam's pitch and that didn't work out so great,

- so. - No, no, no. But see, it's not,

because I can admit that I don't have, like,

a lot of other things going on.

Currently living in my mom's home gym...

- Mm-hmm. - and my band broke up.

But the thing is, I still have a lot to give, a lot.

So, why not give it to you and this little angel?

I don't know, Marnie, this is just...

You think you have a lot of friends, right?

- Yeah. - Who's here?

Depends on the day.

Elijah's not here.

Jessa sure as hell isn't here.

Adam isn't here.

Shoshanna literally despises all of us.

Who's here?

I'm here.

I win.

I'm your best friend.

I'm the best at being your friend.

I love you the most.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah, okay.

Fuck, yeah!

Sync/Corrections PetaG - MY-SUBS.com

_

Are you sure this isn't too cold for him?

- It's okay, Grovey, it's okay. - No, he's just fine.

Okay, and you disinfect the scale between babies, right?

Okay, 13 pounds. That's a nice size.

- He's a nice size. - You're a nice size.

Okay, but he was closer to 10 when he was born,

- so I'm just a little confused. - Babies will often

lose 10% of their birth weight in the first few weeks.

It's nothing to be concerned about.

As long as he's feeding normally.

Oh, no, he's... he's eating. He's eating all the time.

- Breast milk or formula? - It's okay.

Is there a chance we could talk to Dr. Monoghan?

She's on vacation right now, looking at a waterfall with her family

and I'm not calling her.

It's just, like, she knows our whole story and she's met Grover...

Would you want to be disturbed on your family vacation?

Well, just depends on priorities.

Like, I write through my whole vacation.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

He breastfed for six weeks,

- then he just, like, stopped. - Are you pumping?

Oh, my God, yeah, I'm pumping so much.

I'm like a saucer machine. He just...

- he will only take it from the bottle. - Well, so long as he's getting it.

But isn't there, like, an issue with bonding? Like, isn't it important?

- Shh. - All right, listen.

Breastfeeding is mysterious.

Sometimes it's a piece of cake.

And sometimes, there's something,

the chemistry, the fit... it's just off.

Okay.

Mm.

Um, well...

I guess that's it. Um, if you have any lollipops?

Hey.

Hi, how did it go?

It was fine. It was good. I mean, they said he's

- basically the perfect weight, so. - You are? That's so great!

That's, like, the greatest compliment a person can get.

Hi, baby. What did he say about breast feeding?

I mean, I don't trust that, like, temp doctor.

Well, yeah, everyone here looks pretty fucking formula-fed to me.

Aunt Marnie's here.

Aunt Marnie's here.

He just made it sound like some babies never get the hang of it.

But you told him you've been pumping, right?

Yes, I told him I've been pumping, and I said

I don't know how much longer I can do it.

I was like, "My nipples hurt. They feel like iguana skin."

Well, what am I gonna do when I start my job next month,

like, tote a breast pump around?

What if there's a student I want to fuck?

Promise me you're not gonna give up, okay?

There's a reason they call breast milk liquid gold.

Well, if you really felt like that, I think

you would agree to taste mine, so.

Hannah, you have to stop asking me to do that.

It's nice, it's like hemp milk or something.

Babies that are breastfed

are less likely to get sick when they're little.

And also, they show higher cognitive function at an earlier age.

And I just saw a study that says that they snag higher-paying jobs.

What about that doesn't sound great?

Well, I was never breastfed and I'm a dream and a ray of sunshine,

- so. - No. That's exactly my point.

I was breastfed for two years.

Great, it seems like it worked out

- super great for you. - It did.

♪ You've got a fast car ♪

♪ I want a ticket to anywhere ♪

♪ Maybe we make a deal ♪

♪ Maybe together we can get somewhere ♪

♪ Anyplace is better... ♪

- Marnie, can you maybe stop? - ♪ Starting at zero ♪

♪ Got nothing to lose ♪

♪ Maybe we'll make something ♪

♪ Me, myself, I got nothing to prove... ♪

I'd love it if you'd stop singing,

and so would Grover. He doesn't like it.

I feel like you're both kidding, so I'm gonna keep going.

♪ You've got a fast car ♪

♪ I've got a plan ♪

- ♪ to get us out of here, I've been ♪ - Marnie.

♪ Working at a convenience ♪

- ♪ Store, manged to save ♪ - I'm asking you to stop and I'm asking

- ♪ a little bit of money ♪ - in a nice way.

♪ Won't have to drive too far ♪

- ♪ Just cross the border and... ♪ - Turn it off! Okay?

Turn it off!

Sorry.

Hey, little man.

Listen, I'm really sorry about before.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Yeah, but we should talk about it.

You yelled at me for loving music.

There's honestly nothing to talk about.

I love that you love music.

Come on, Grover.

Come on!

It's good.

There's a businessman who'd pay a lot of money to do this.

No, look, it's right here.

You don't have to cry 'cause it's right here.

No!

You think you're the first man who rejected this?

Well, think again, you're not being very original.

You know what, you're being kind of a fuckhead.

You're being a kind of a little bit of an asshole.

Um... I don't know what to say to you.

Bless you.

And that is a swaddle.

Yeah. Yeah. Really good.

- Baby. Yeah. - Uh... No, actually, here.

You can do it like this.

Here, okay. Hi, yeah.

Hi, favorite boy!

Hello.

Hi! Oh, my little baby burrito.

Oh.

That's another way to do it.

Yeah.

Are you making an envelope with your nipple, Hannah?

Are you making an envelope with your nipple?

Do you even have a nipple? 'Cause I've known you a long time

and I actually don't think I've seen it.

How the fuck do you make an envelope with your nipple?

Anyway, it's pronounced "enn-velope."

Just, like, don't be so pretentious.

So, apparently, you just fold it down from the base of the areola,

and then rather than pushing his face onto the breast,

just squeeze a little bit of milk out onto the tip of the nipple,

brush his lips across the nipple so that he decides to take it.

Okay, I need this to stop.

Because, A... it's fucking revolting,

and B... every time you say nipple, a fairy dies.

Hannah, do not get stressed, especially when you're holding Grover.

He can sense it.

Cortisol and a million other super powerful hormones

just flow through your body.

Somehow, you've just gotta stay centered.

Clear your head. Stay present.

This is a sacred time.

So, now it's my fault? Like, my stress is repelling him?

Listen, he's hungry, let's just give him a bottle and then he'll, like,

torture animals and keep a room like in the movie "Room." I don't care.

I think your sense of humor

could be a very powerful tool during this journey.

- Don't worry, Hannah. - Shh.

He's gonna latch.

He did it for a whole month.

He just forgot what was good for him.

- Didn't you, Grovito? - You know what?

Your, like, desire to be part of this

is actually starting to feel really perverse.

I feel, like, very objectified and I just would like some privacy.

Oh, it says if you need assistance,

you might ask someone to help press

by placing her fingers or thumbs on top of yours.

- Do you want me to come help? - No.

Nope. Nope, I don't.

Hello, Information?

I need to talk to Mr. Boat.

John Stamos has not aged a single day.

It's insane. And, like, why is this man a bachelor?

Hello?

How rude.

The question is, like,

could the Olsen twins have become fashion moguls without "Full House,"

or like, is it what catapulted them?

So, I've been thinking

and I might wanna go out tomorrow night.

There's a wine bar in Tivoli.

I looked it up, and there's gonna be, like,

- a live jazz trio playing. - A live jazz trio?

- Yeah, live. - Marnie, that's the most

disgusting thing I've ever heard. The only thing grosser

than a jazz trio would be, like, a jazz quadrangle.

This is empty, by they way.

Well, there's gonna be, like, a flight of local cheeses,

and... and then there's gonna be this, like,

awesome Sonoma wine pairing.

And you learn about wine, and...

Yeah, but there'd be, like,

no way I could come with you.

No, yeah, just I would go.

So, I would just, like, stay here with Grover all night by myself?

Never mind. I'll just go another time.

Well, is it like, a weekly thing?

Like, if it happens, like, next week...

I don't know, Hannah.

If you really want cheese, we can buy cheese

and, like, put on jazz. I just...

we don't have to go to a place.

♪ Now my mascara runnin' ♪

♪ Red lipstick smudged ♪

♪ Oh, he so horny, yeah, he want to fuck ♪

♪ He popped all my buttons and he ripped my blouse ♪

♪ He Monica-Lewinski'd all on my gown ♪

♪ Whoa, there, Daddy, Daddy didn't bring the towel... ♪

He hates me. I don't know what to say.

I don't know what I did to him

besides grow him in my body for nine months.

But he hates me.

The guy at the ShopRite is more interested in my boobs than he is.

So, why don't you just swaddle him, give him a bottle.

There's nothing I can even do for him anymore.

I don't know what to say. He hates me.

- I can't do anything. - Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Come here. Come here.

- Come here. - I'm sorry.

Shh, shh, shh.

Hey, it's almost 11:00 AM.

Are you awake now, Hannah?!

Oh, good morning.

Grover's been awake for almost three hours.

Ah!

Ooh. Sweetie, you're leaking.

♪ Little man, little man. ♪

- You called my mom? - Yeah, I did.

You called my mother and you told her to come here.

Yeah, Hannah. You're having a really hard time and I just thought

it would be helpful for you to have her.

Well, it's not helpful. Remember last time?

All she did was complain about how unfair

the judging process on "The Voice" is.

She's not helpful. She makes things harder for me.

Okay, well, then, I didn't call her here for you.

I called her here for me. I wanted some help.

This is above my pay grade. I'm doing my best.

I'm reading all the books. But honestly, it's too much.

And you're not even acting that mature!

You begged to come here.

You wanted to be here with me and help me.

And now it's not matching up to what you imagined,

which was, like, that it would be a "Laura Ashley" catalogue.

Or, like, a fun, zany sitcom

starring Brittany Snow and the rest of the cast of "Pitch Perfect,"

just carrying a cute, little baby.

Okay, I'm sorry we didn't make any jam.

I'm sorry you didn't meet, like, a hot woodworker.

But this is reality. It's happening now.

And you suck at it, okay?

You're doing a bad job,

and the reason you are is 'cause you're the immature one,

so check that out!

All right, Ghostbuster.

What?

I don't know when my vagina and my butthole

are gonna start to feel like two separate entities again,

but I'm really looking forward to that.

Honey, this will all be over soon. It'll be like a blip.

Things'll get so much harder, you won't even remember this part.

God, I hope you're right.

Listen, Hannah, when I had you, I couldn't breast feed.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get you to latch on.

And my nipples both inverted and it hurt like fire in my tits.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Obviously, your father was no help at all.

He was scared enough of breasts as is.

And all these women in my campus mothering circle

were so judgmental.

It was the 80s, you know.

All these cunts in linen pants

who were so pleased not to be using formula.

I mean, I was raised on formula.

Nice post-war formula.

What's the fucking problem? You turned out fine.

Yeah, but don't you get it? I don't want him to turn out fine.

I want him to turn out better than fine. He's so beautiful.

- He's so much more beautiful than me. - He really is.

But honey, he'll be fine, whether you use formula or milk,

- or, you know... - Mom, don't you get it?

I'm mentally ill,

I'm overweight,

I isolate people,

I'm a quitter.

So, what if that's the kind of man that I raise?

What if that's the only kind of man I can raise?

That's not gonna happen.

And I'm still fucking bleeding.

From my vagina.

No one understands!

You think no one understands you?

Yeah, I do,

because I made a very intense choice

to take this on all by myself, okay?

I decided to be brave and just go it alone...

Mom, I buckle my bra every day, okay?

But just do it for a second.

You know? And now it's like I can't even do

the most natural human process on earth of feeding my child?

And Marnie acted like she was here to help me,

and now all she does... that's fine.

And now all she does is judge me and bully me, you know?

But she wouldn't if she knew what it was like

to be rejected by your own child

like you've been rejected by every other fucking man in your life.

'Cause let's face it, Grover fucking hates me.

You really upset Marnie, you know?

She called me weeping.

I got on a plane at 5:00 AM.

- I upset Marnie? - Yeah.

Well, maybe she should have thought a little

before she came out here to help,

considering that things might get pretty fucking intense.

'Cause you know what, Mom? I tend to get

- pretty fucking intense. - Yeah, well, maybe she thought

- you'd act like a fucking grown-up. - What?

You wanna act like this whole thing was an accident?

Like it happened to you? That's fine, Hannah. But that's not honest.

You made a choice to have this child, and guess what?

It's the first one you can't take back.

You can't get your tuition refunded.

You can't break the lease.

You can't delete his phone number.

Your son is not a temp job. He's not Adam.

This is it, honey, and this is forever.

Stop following me! And why are you judging me

and putting words in my mouth? Why are you judging me?

Because you just said your baby hates you,

and that is the most moronic thing I have ever heard.

He doesn't hate you. He doesn't hate anybody.

He's a goddamn baby, and you are all he has.

I don't understand why you're yelling at me when I'm in emotional pain.

Yeah, well, you know who else is in emotional pain?

- Who? - Fucking everyone!

For their whole lives!

Nobody said this was gonna be easy.

Nobody guaranteed this would be fun.

You didn't sign a contract in the womb

saying you were headed for Six Flags.

What are you making?

Bisquick, obviously, 'cause you have to add, like, 2,000 calories a day

to your diet if you're breast feeding to do it successfully.

Hannah. The... ah...

- Hah! - I don't understand, Mom.

You didn't say it was gonna be this hard.

Oh, have I made this look easy to you?

No. Have the last few years looked easy to you?

Maybe they would have if you'd chosen a husband

who wasn't gay and who actually loved you.

And then I would know what, like, a normal, functional family looked like,

and I wouldn't be up here with Marnie acting like that was normal.

You know?

And this house would be a home and not just a fucking bunch of rooms.

So, thank you.

No, thank you, Hannah. Thank you so much for that.

- Thanks, baby girl. - Ow!

Oh, man.

Hey, are you okay?

I'm not a hooker.

- No one said you were. - _

Sorry for trying to help.

God fucking damn it. Men are disgusting.

- Am I English? No? - No, just me.

You're a pilot.

All right, I'm a pilot, yeah.

We're, um... we're just

approaching, um, cruising altitude.

- Yeah. - So... is, uh...

is everything okay back there, Shelly?

Yes, except...

there's been a slight disturbance in the cabin.

- Yes, I noticed that - Oh.

someone was ringing the, uh... the assistance button.

Yes, 11-C has a problem with his...

his dick.

Oh.

Should I go help him with his dick?

- He's in 11-C. - Yes.

I think you should probably go back there and make sure he's all right.

Yes, do you think I should use the oxygen mask on his dick?

Yeah, I think... I think you should,

and I think you should put it on him first before helping

- others around him out. - Marnie, I think

- we're out of breast milk. - Yes, I've already told him that.

- Shelly? - 'Scuse me.

Shelly,

- this is your captain speaking. - Oh, fuck.

I'll be right there.

Okay.

Damn it.

Oh, I used the last bag of breast milk earlier.

So, we'll just have to wait till Hannah gets back.

Ugh.

I have no idea when she'll be back.

Yeah.

Motherhood seems to have had such an effect on her.

Yeah, I don't even know why we have that here.

Sorry I walked in on you beating off.

No, you didn't.

Masturbating. Did I not catch you touching yourself?

No, you did not catch me touching myself.

Okay, Marnie, sure, but,

you know, I live alone. I ain't judging.

No, no, no, no, no. It's just, it's not masturbating

if you are video chatting with someone.

Who is he?

His name is Delvin, Delvin P.

He's from Weehawken, and he's a very nice personal trainer.

Hey.

Are you happy here?

With Hannah and Grover?

I mean, yeah, sure.

I don't need to be happy.

Why?

It's just not my time. This is important.

Hannah's my best friend.

Has it ever occurred to you

that the best thing for you and your friendship

would be if you were happy, too?

Hannah and Grover can't do this by themselves. They need me.

Listen, I spent 30 years supporting my best friend.

You know? We even had a child together.

But mostly, we just got angrier and angrier

until all that was left was hate.

I hate my best friend now.

And all because I didn't know how to let him go.

You know, these ingredients aren't even that bad.

You're a fucking monster!

Hey!

Are you okay?

Like, clearly no.

Okay, you can talk to me, it's okay. I'm safe. I'm a safe person.

Do you have a phone, ma'am?

Ma'am?

No, I'm sorry. I don't have a cell phone on me right now.

Well, then, what makes you a... a safe person?

I don't know. Look at me, I just am.

What... what happened?

I ran away as fast as I could.

It was an emergency incident.

Okay, you cannot be out here without any shoes or pants.

- You just can't. - Well, I don't have any shoes or pants,

so that's what's up.

Here, take these. Take these, takes these. Come on.

Come on.

Look, put 'em on.

Some jeans.

Here you go.

Thank you.

These are kind of big.

Well, yeah, they're... they're big on me, too, obviously. Just...

What happened? Can you tell me what happened?

I just need a phone so I can call my boyfriend, Justin.

Would you like to come to my house and use the phone and call Justin?

Yeah. That would be good.

Thanks.

'Cause, like, Justin really, really worries when he can't locate me.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Come on.

Does your mom know where you are?

I'm sorry. This must be really hard.

Can you tell me about the incident? Do you feel unsafe?

Yeah.

My mom said I had to finish my history homework

before I went to Justin's.

And I was like, "It's not due till Friday."

And she was like, "Well, you're gonna finish it up right away."

And I was like, "No!" And I ran out.

And then what happened?

And then I was like, "If it's due on Friday,

I'm not finishing it on Wednesday, and that's final!"

So, you ran away because your mom asked you to do your homework?

Yeah.

And Justin's gonna be at an away game tomorrow

so I won't even get... get to see him!

- Okay, give me back my jeans. - What?

I said, give me back my jeans.

What the hell?

No, you said you were gonna help me.

Yeah, that's when I thought you were being, like, fiddled with

- by your stepdad or something. - What?

Do you think your mom wants to tell you to do your homework?

- I don't know. - No.

But that's her entire job. That's her job in the world.

She has a million trillion things she'd rather be doing.

Things she might want to experience.

Life things she hasn't enjoyed yet.

But she stays and tells you to do your homework

'cause it's what's fucking good for you.

What do you think your mom's gonna do when you get home?

I don't know. Hug me, I guess?

Exactly! 'Cause she loves you

more than anything else in the world,

and she knows you're the most important thing

even if it means being emotionally abused by a brat

day in and day out, okay?

She'll take care of you forever

even if it means endless, endless pain!

So give me back my jeans!

No, you psycho lady!

Oh, you run, you little harlot.

Run as fast as you can, okay?

But life is gonna chase you, it's gonna chase after you

with problems you can't even imagine.

And I'd be chasing you, too,

if my vagina wasn't so busted from having a baby.

So go and just fuck the shit out of Justin!

Fuck him for me!

That's not how I meant that!

You okay, ma'am?

Yeah, absolutely.

Do you live near here?

Yeah. Just, like, a little while that way.

So, uh, what brings you out here without, uh, pants and shoes?

Oh, um, I had a baby pretty recently, so.

Mm. Sounds about right.

Well, why don't you get in the back of the car and I'll

give you a ride home.

I'm really good, but thank you.

Just making sure you're getting home okay.

Just take your time.

I guess it's time for me to start figuring out what's next.

Any ideas?

A piece of me has always wanted to go to law school.

So boring.

No, I mean, it's a start.

It's a start.

It's mostly because I just love the idea of all the rules.

I fucking love rules.

Maybe you should be a judge.

Hmm.

I have this friend that's a judge. She is such a gas.

Judge Patricia DeMango.

She goes on five Christian Mingle dates a week.

- No way. - Yeah. The spray tan,

big diamond in her upper ear cartilage.

- But she is a really good judge. - Mm.

You get home safe, now.

Thank you, Officer Schpoont.

Hi.

Hi.

What happened to your pants?

You know, kind of what you'd think.

Thanks.

Where's Grover?

He's upstairs asleep in your room.

We gave him formula,

and he liked it.

Good. Thanks.

No, no. Guys, I got it.

I got it.

Shh.

Shh.

Shh.

Good.

That's good, Grover.

♪ You had a fast car ♪

♪ I got a ticket to get us out of here... ♪

Okay.

I love you. I love you

♪ ...A little bit of money ♪

♪ Don't have to go too far... ♪

Okay.

It's okay.

♪ Finally found like I could be someone ♪

♪ Be someone. ♪

Sync & Corrections by PetaG www.MY-SUBS.com