All language subtitles for suburgatory.s03e11.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
Serving time in
Chatswin Penitentiary

one can almost forget
that at some point

your sentence is going to end.

Meeting with college
admissions officers

almost felt like getting
in front of a parole board.

I stayed clean.
I kept to myself, mostly.

I stayed out of trouble,
and I learned a lot

from the experience that I think
will help me on the outside.

I mean...at your
fine university.

[chuckling]
Okay, Tessa, just relax.

Why don't you tell me,
um, a little bit about

your extracurricular activities?

Right. Well, I-I
held a part-time job

at one of the top crystal
retailers on the East Coast

leading their sales division
to record earnings.

I performed in a multicultural
world-music band.

I played lead rain stick.

And when my best friend's family

decided to foster
a Cambodian child

I started an initiative
to help assimilate him

into Chatswin by sometimes
walking him to school.

Very impressive.

I hoped so. I was doing
my best to come off that way.

Since I knew the competition
would be stiff.

I don't have any
curricular activities.

No, your extra-curricular
activities.

What I'm asking is, what do you
do besides just going to school?

Oh. Lots.

I'm super into tanning,
nail care, red carpets

my housekeeper Carmen,
blind items, Brody Jenner

Bentleys, apps, both foodstuffs
and the kind on my phone.

- I'm really into Molly.
- Molly?

My friend Molly Benzworth.
We met on a teen tour.

She's hella chill,
but she drinks too much.

(Duncan)
'Anything else?'

I'd like to be a writer someday.

I love Poe, Carver,
Chuck Palahniuk

A.M. Homes, Kingsolver.

This all sounds wonderful,
Tessa.

Is there anything else
you want me to know

before we wrap up
our little chat?

I like snapchatting,
Skype-chatting, chit-chatting

and I love,
love accessorizing.

- Like so, so much.
- Accessorizing.

I just tend to put
a lot of thought

into thinking about ways to
make an outfit really pop.

I wonder if you put
a fraction of that thought

into your grades.

Oh, I didn't.

I really try not to
focus on my grades

because I don't
believe they define me..

...not the way
a good belt can.

- I'm sorry?
- Don't be.

A lot of people
make the same mistake.

But I'm sure there's
a waistline hiding

under that big, bulky
sweater of yours somewhere.

In fact, I know there is.

Anyway, you've been great.

Thanks for having me on.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪♪

Okay.

[instrumental music]

(male #1)
'This is where you're gonna be
spending most of your time.'

Seeing Dalia on the campus tour
for Havenbrook

instantly reduced it
to a safety school.

So, you really think
it went well?

I pretty much
killed it, mommy.

I really think that lady loved

all the super-dope stuff
I'm into.

[gasps]
Like what super-dope stuff?

I don't know.
Ask her.

She's the one who was, like

jumping up and down
about everything.

Oh! Dalia, this is so exciting.

I wonder if this place of
learning will be your new home

or if it'll be some
other college campus.

This is the only school
I applied to, mommy.

Wait. What? But, why?

Because it's close enough that
I can still live in my room.

I spent a lot of time
designing my room

and I'm gonna sleep
in it forever.

One day, my husband
and children

are gonna sleep in there
with me.

But, Dalia, what if you don't
get into this school?

I will.
It'll be a cinch.

It's a 45-minute wait
for a table.

Sorry. We're slammed with
all the college-tour kids.

- You want to sit at the bar?
- Fine by me.

[indistinct chattering]

You must be from Tennessee

because you're the only
ten I see.

And you must be from New Jersey.

No, Missouri.
The "Show Me" state.

[chuckles]

This place is
such a meat market.

Do you want wings? The bar
is basically just wings.

More importantly, why isn't
anyone trying to pick us up?

I'm meat.
I'm in the market.

- Oh, I-I'm sorry. Excuse me.
- No problem.

No, this-this place is
crazy right now.

- Standing room only.
- Yeah.

It's nuts.

Look at me, just chit-chatting
with a beautiful girl over here.

- Ahem.
- Mom, our table.

Oh, um.. Hey, you're welcome to
crowd in with us, if you'd like.

Yes, please. Yes.

Uh.. Yeah.
Sure.

- I'm Tessa.
- I'm Kenny.

- George.
- Uh, Karen.

Okay.

♪ Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah ♪♪

[horn blares]

Remember me?

Oh! I'm so sorry!

That is so Dalia.

Hate her or love her,
you have to love her.

- You do, anyway.
- Oh!

Well, you will, too.

Next year, she'll just
matriculate all over.

Miss Royce, let me be
perfectly blunt.

With Dalia's grades
and her test scores

and her general demeanor

she's probably better qualified
for junior college..

...or the bling ring.

- Are you saying--
- She's not getting in.

[instrumental music]

I don't know.
I have a good feeling.

About Havenbrook?
Not me.

Havenbrook? No, I'm talking
about Karen and Kenny.

Oh.

- Them.
- Them? Come on.

- They were okay.
- Okay?

- 'They-they were Ivy league.'
- In terms of--

In terms of looks.
In terms of physical attributes.

They were smart
and funny and hot.

They're like
the "Gilmore Girls."

- Except one's a dude.
- You said it.

I feel like you think Kenny
is more attractive than I do.

Kenny is a babe, okay?
Heh heh.

I wish I looked like Kenny
when I was 17-years-old.

There wasn't a single freshman
on that campus

that was more attractive
than Kenny.

Kenny is magnificent!

Also, his mom said, "The four
of us should get together

again sometime." So, for the
time being we're a package deal.

She's not getting
into college!

- Our girl!
- Nope.

Well, you don't
seem surprised.

I'm surprised you're surprised.

Carmen, how could you?

What's gonna become
of our Dalia?

She's gonna have to get
a job like the rest of us.

Carmen, be serious.

- She could join the military.
- Carmen!

You know damn well Dalia has
trouble with following orders

and waking up early,
and pull-ups

and Humvees
and short haircuts.

You can't take care
of her forever.

She has to find her calling.

I don't like calling.
I'm text only.

Dalia, honey.

[sighs]
I've got some terrible news.

News that is gonna shake you
to the core.

It is gonna make you
shudder and cry.

It's gonna make you
stop, drop, and roll.

You're not getting into the
only school you applied to.

- Okay.
- No, but it's not okay.

It's the opposite of 'kay.

But I promise that
one day soon it will be 'kay

'cause with a little tenacity we
are gonna figure out what it is

you were born to do.

Dalia, honey?

Aren't you gonna say anything?

On the bright side,
I can still sleep in my room.

That's true.

And Carmen can still keep
her job cleaning it.

So, I guess all of this worked
out really well for you, Carmen.

Who is having a great time?
I am.

'Can you believe what
a great time we're all having?'

- Okay, mommy, here we go.
- Okay.

Go!

Yours has picture frames
and vases on it.

- Mantle! Mickey Mantle!
- Correct!

- Yes!
- Okay. Uh..

- We hate this person.
- Jessica Seinfeld.

Yes, but for us,
the male version is..

- Nick Cannon!
- Correct!

Oh, yes!

Wow, looks like you and mommy
make a great team, huh?

Maybe we should, uh,
you know, switch sides.

Or we could take
a dessert break?

Anyone want some pie?

I baked a salted
caramel apple pie.

You should take her up
on that, George.

- My mom's pie is award-winning.
- Oh.

- I am in.
- What award?

- What?
- You said, "award-winning."

What award did it win?

Oh, it's just
a figure of speech.

"Award-winning" is not
a figure of speech.

It's a claim
and...sounds like

in your case,
it's a false one.

Okay. Go get some forks
for the, uh, the pie.

[chuckling]

Ah.

- I don't think she likes me.
- Oh, of course, she likes you.

Yeah, we all like each other.
It's palpable.

Yeah, you know,
and remember, sweetie

some girls like to play
hard to get.

Speaking of, it's getting late.
We should probably get going.

- Oh, but what about your pie?
- Oh, enjoy.

I will get the plate..

...next time.

Next time.
Right.

Alright.
Have a goodnight.

Not to die on this hill

but Nick Cannon has brought
a lot of enjoyment

to a lot of people
and unlike Karen's pie

has won actual awards, so..

I'm just saying.

With college
no longer an option

Dalia set out to explore
any possible job opportunity

that didn't require a degree.

What are all those
crazy robot heads?

Microwaves.

And that's your station.

I want the office
with the window.

That's the drive-through window.

- And, no.
- I want a raise.

I don't think
this is gonna work out.

Thank you for
considering me.

Food service clearly
wasn't Dalia's calling.

So, she decided to try Carmen's
advice about the military.

Get it, girl.
Al-Qaeda's coming!

And time!

Well, I guess master gunnery
sergeant isn't in the cards

which is a shame 'cause
their emblem's so darn cute.

Maybe something
more blue collar.

Or a Mandarin collar.
Or collar-less.

Or maybe something
more...coveralls.

Oh, crap.
You hear that?

It keeps making that rattle.

Did you check the belt?

90 percent of life's problems
are belt-related.

- Car ready?
- Oh, hey. No, not yet, sir.

We just need a couple
more minutes with her.

Tell you what, why don't
I have Dalia wheel you outside

so you don't have to smell
our fumes..

...and so I don't
have to smell his.

'Kay.

[instrumental music]

I like your wheelchair.
It's tight.

(George)
'$50.'

- No!
- $60?

You do realize you are
trying to pay your daughter

to go on a date with someone
she doesn't like?

If I accepted, think about
what that would make me.

A team player?

You're a terrible parent.
Get out of my room!

Okay, what if I could talk
to Kenny? You know, change him.

What-what-what is it about him
that you don't like?

Are you kidding, George? He's a
total mama's boy. He's pathetic.

Pathetic or completely justified
with an amazing mama like her?

What is so amazing about her,
George?

Please, enlighten me.

Okay. Okay.

For starters,
she smells fantastic.

She has long, shiny hair.

She told that hilarious story
about what great time

they made on the way
over to our place.

She's a boring,
beautiful woman.

You just like her
because she's hot.

I, however, have
slightly higher standards.

So, what you're saying is
you'd love to be there

but you've come down with
a bad case of rickets.

- I get it.
- You're pathetic.

Mommy?
Mommy, where are you?

Dalia? Is everything okay?

Everything is better than okay.

I found my future.
It was at that smelly garage.

[gasps]
Oh, my gosh, yes!

The future is always in the last
place you think to look for it.

You're a grease monkey!
I knew it!

No, mommy, I'm not.

No? Well, then what are you?
Accountant?

- No.
- Air traffic controller?

- No.
- Tastemaker?

- No.
- Humorist?

Close your eyes
and hold your nose.

What?

[sighs]

This is Harold.

I'm his problem now.

'But we have to build
a ramp to my room.'

That's Carmen's problem now.

[instrumental music]

Dalia, you cannot do this!

You cannot go out with
that decrepit old man.

That decrepit old man
is my everything.

We're soul mates.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I need to get him started
on some fluids.

Dalia, he is not
your soul mate.

He barely has a soul left.

You can't have any kind of life
with that dried-up

shriveled-up, absent-minded

brittle sack of nothing.

Mother-in-laws never like me.

- I won't let you do it.
- I'm an adult.

I don't need you to let me.
I can let myself.

Dalia's safety school was
an old man in a wheelchair

so Dallas realized she had to
get her into her first choice

by any means necessary.

Ms. Royce,
what can I do for you?

You can let my baby
into this school.

- I can't do that.
- Oh, but I think you can.

See, I'm prepared
to write you a check

that will make you look upon
my daughter very differently.

So, what you need?
New medical school?

It's on me. Let's cure some
things up in this bitch!

Miss Royce, please, it's clear
that you love your daughter

and I admire that but her
admittance can't be bought.

to be earned.
I'm sorry.

[sighs]

I blew it.

I bought her
so many actual gifts

I forgot to nurture
her natural gifts.

That's not entirely true.

As I recall, she offered me

some very keen fashion advice.

- She did?
- She suggested I "Belt it."

I tell you, it's made
a world of difference.

Even my wife noticed.

So, when it comes to belts,
Dalia really knows her stuff.

[gasps]
Oh, my gosh!

Not about your sexuality,
I totally called that one

but, huh!

Dalia does have a gift!

It will be a cinch.
Did you check the belt?

Not the way a good belt can.

Which singer should
we vote for, Dalia?

The one that can belt.

That's it! That's her future!
I've seen it!

Belts!

Thank you.

Well, you guys
look great tonight.

- Thank you.
- Thanks, George.

So, you do anything
exciting today?

- Are you asking me or my mom?
- Both of you.

But, Karen why don't you go
ahead and take this one.

Mm-hmm, well,
I made incredible time

on the way to the restaurant.

I think I hit every green light.

Wait, what did I stop,
like, twice, Kenny?

I don't know.
So, Tessa's really sick, huh?

- What did you say she had?
- Rickets. Heh, heh.

No, I know what you're thinking,
but they are back in a big way.

She might die, so..
She'll be fine, though, someday.

She just needs to get
some sunlight. Ahem.

And, uh...milk?
I think? I don't know.

Anyway, so, Karen,
GPS or free-balling?

I think you're full of it.

I don't think
Tessa's really sick.

- Kenny.
- No, she..

No, she's absolutely sick.

Then I'm gonna go check on her.

Great idea.

And I suppose she'll be
really happy to see me.

Yes, if she isn't,
it's on account of the--

- Rickets.
- The rickets. Exactly.

Oh.

Kenny just really
likes your daughter.

I know how he feels.

But, I should probably
be honest, Karen.

I don't think
the feeling's mutual.

Tessa doesn't have rickets.
I wish she did.

Well, I-I don't wish she did.

I wish that was why
she's not here.

She's just not...uh,
into Kenny, you know?

Not the way I'm into you.

Mm-hmm.
I know how she feels.

- I thought you loved Kenny.
- I love Kenny!

you.

I only agreed
to go out with you

because Kenny was so smitten
with your daughter.

But if that's not happening,
neither is this.

Yeah, well, guess who's getting
stuck in rush hour, heh heh.

[instrumental music]

[both grunting]

You need to stop
eating carbs, Harold.

I weigh 63 pounds,
you weakling.

Dalia Oprah!
Drop that elderly.

Dalia, I sincerely apologize
if I have ill-prepared you

for the world
and-or made you feel like

you didn't have a place,
but you do! I glimpsed it.

The answer has been right below
our waists this whole time.

- Hooking?
- No, silly. Belts!

Belts?
What kind of belts?

Leather belts,
replacement belts, buckle belts

title belts, braided belts,
sour belts, skinny belts

wide belts, snake belts,
chain belts, cummerbunds

big buckle belts,
elastic belts, sash?

That's what
I'm trying to tell--

Studded belts, beaded belts

printed belts, woven belts

cowboy belts, monogrammed

natural fiber, attached?

You done?
I truly believe--

- Grosgrain self-tie?
- We found your calling!

I'm breaking up with you.

[Tessa chuckling]

Kenny, I-I'm sorry
I lied to you.

'Tessa does not have rickets
as you can see.'

She just didn't wanna
hang out with you.

Actually...Kenny's cool.

He's a lot easier to like
when I'm not being

forced to like him.

Yeah, we get along a lot better
when our parents aren't around.

Really?

You don't think
the same could be..

Is it worth trying again
with your awesome mom?

- Sure. Go for it.
- Hey, nothing ventured.

Not a chance in hell.

I wasn't even in college yet
and I was already leaving

poor George
to fend for himself.

But the fact was,
the future was coming

and all any of us could do
to prepare for it

was...buckle up.

Get 'em, girl.

- Can I help you?
- These belts are awesome!

- I know.
- I'll take all of them!

- Cash or credit?
- Cash or credit, baby?

Cash.

He's heavier than he looks,
so lift with your knees.