All language subtitles for suburgatory.s03e09.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
For Dalia Royce, packing light
had never been a strong suit

but she knew one piece of
baggage she wasn't bringing.

Mommy, off me.

Dalia, vacationing
on your boyfriend's yacht

in Turks and Caicos
sounds exciting

but that destination
is declasse.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

Off!

Dalia..

...if you truly think you can
enjoy your little getaway

while I am here
all by myself in this big house

with no weekend plans
and no human companionship

then you just go right ahead
and have a great time.

Thanks, mommy, I will.

Sometimes, when you find
yourself alone

in a big, old house
with no weekend plans

or any form of
human companionship

it forces you
to rekindle relationships

you've given up on in the past.

Dallas' relationship
with her mom

was complicated
by a number of things.

[telephone ringing]

One of which had six-inch heels
and a backcombed bouffant.

Every day is His blessing.

Georgia, it's me, Dallas.

Now, I don't want to get into
a whole to-do with you.

I was just calling
to talk to mama.

Well, Dallas,
you'll be pleased to know

that you can talk to mama
whenever you want to now.

You won't even have to
pick up a phone.

She passed about an hour ago.

You know her last words
to me were

"Did your sister call?"

And all I could say was, "Nope."

So, had you rung up
a tad earlier

mama might have survived.

The doctor said
she died of a broken heart.

Actually,
I said coronary artery disease.

(Georgia)
'Funeral is Sunday.'

Meanwhile, George
was processing his own loss.

- So, that's it?
- That's it.

But I thought you liked Nora.

I do, just not in that way.

- But--
- It wasn't meant to be.

Man, you seem so indifferent.

I hope, I hope no one ever feels

that way when they
break up with me.

[chuckles]
Well, I'm an adult, Tessa.

Things are different for us.

You know, sometimes things
work out. Sometimes they don't.

And for the most part,
that's, that's okay.

Okay.

Whatever you say.

- Dud in the sack?
- Kind of, yeah.

- You done?
- Yeah.

It's too bad too
'cause she had potential.

- Just not in the sack.
- Right, not in the sack.

Shame.

But silver lining,
I got my wingman back.

And just in time
to join me on a grouper.

- Are you into groupers?
- Ah.

I mean, maybe,
when I was in college

but I got a kid, man.

I mean,
unless you were gonna let me.

[chuckles]
No, no, no, I couldn't.

Grouper's a dating service,
George.

It's where a guy
and two of his single friends

go on a blind date with a girl
and two of her single friends.

Oh, okay. So kind-kind of
like a triple date.

Exactly! Javier did one with me
a couple of months ago.

- And now he's engaged.
- Really?

She is hideous.

But you know,
for him...not bad.

[chuckles]
Well, it actually sounds fun.
Uh, who's our third?

Are you out of your mind?

Sheila would murder me for even
having this conversation.

Did she send you?

- Are you wearing a wire?
- No!

I'm not wearing a wire,
but why are you wearing pumps?

Yes, why are you wearing pumps?

Okay, plebs.
This is actually a kitten heel.

'Sheila asked me
to break these in for her'

so she wouldn't develop
calluses.

Now, fortunately,
we wear the same shoe size

so it works out well
for everyone.

- Does it?
- Yeah, it does.

You know what, Fred,
you can always say no

'but we just figured
that you might need'

a shot of testosterone
in your life!

Boys. My boys!

You know I love you

and I think about you
all the time.

'Nothing would make me happier
than to be your wingman.'

But Sheila would bag
and trade my testes like--

I will protect and defend
your testes if Sheila finds out.

Finds out what?
It's, it's just drinks, Fred.

You're-you're not doing
anything wrong.

- Okay. I'll do it.
- Yes.

- Yes!
- But I have to wear flats.

My feet are starting to bleed.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A perfect nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da ♪

♪ Da-da da ♪♪

(Dalia)
Hi.

[Dallas shrieking]

Dallas?

Were you sh-shrieking?

I don't believe so.
Why do you ask?

Uh, I don't know, I just heard
this high-pitched shrieking

and then I opened the door
to find you standing there

creepily, and I was..

...I guess just wondering
if you were the source.

Well, it's possible
you heard my inner shriek.

Is there something going on
that I should know about?

No. Not at all.

But I did kill my mama.

- You what?
- Killed her dead.

Mama died due to my neglect.

Like a fern by the furnace.

Was that the medical diagnosis?

Who are you? Dr. Quinn?

Mallomar?

I guess.

Mallomar can take your
taste buds on a joyride

but it can't offer companionship

to your own mama's funeral,
now, can it?

- I don't think so.
- Neither do I.

Dallas, do you need someone
to go with you to the funeral?

- Because I can ask my dad.
- Tessa!

I couldn't ask you outright,
but I accept!

Oh! Just the thought
of facing my family all alone..

...it makes me feel...well..

Well..

[shrieking]

So weird!

But that is coming from you,
right?

[shrieking continues]

Just out of curiosity

how come we didn't take your
very comfortable Mercedes

on this extremely
long road trip?

You mean the Yankee mobile?
No, sir. Not in the south.

Come down here in some
foreign car, get strung up.

Sounds like a really
welcoming place.

See, it's sarcasm like that
that'll get you strung up.

Pretty much anything will get
you strung up where I come from.

Good to know.

Anything else I should know
about your neck of the woods?

I've never been this far
south before.

Well, mama used to always say

"Grits are just like
normal folk, only more so."

- Grits?
- "Girls raised in the South."

Don't worry, T-bone, they're
gonna love you down here.

Sop you up like a biscuit.

A little extra hair
and you'll fit right in.

- I packed some for you.
- Some extra hair?

Yep. You never know how much
the occasion's gonna call for.

We're going to a funeral.

You're right.

We'll hit the hair barn
at the next intersection.

- Okay.
- Ahem.

Now, before the ladies get here

we should discuss
some scenarios.

- Okay.
- Alright.

- Scenario number one.
- Mm-hmm.

- They're big 'uns.
- Big 'uns?

And we haven't ordered cocktails

in that case, we use the phrase

"Oh, look, they don't have
turkey sliders."

That is code for
abort mission.

They actually have
turkey sliders, though.

Now, if they are new chunk city
and we have ordered cocktails

in that case,
I say we just talk about all

of the STDs that we have.

Well, that makes sense to me.

What?
That cannot make sense to you.

That is the worst plan
I've ever heard.

Uh, ahem, I don't think
it's gonna be an issue.

[upbeat music]

By the time we arrived
at Dallas' family home

I'd had motion sickness,
$60 worth of rest stop food.

- Hubba!
- Well! Look who it is!

Come here!

And a full-on
southern-gal makeover.

Chicken bone, I got things
in my colon weigh more than you.

[laughs]
Who's this?

Uh, Hubba, this here is..

- Ooh.
- I'm sorry. So sorry!

Um, I'm Tessa Altman
and I'm from New York

and we are trained to do that.

She's scrappy. I like her.

Little gingersnap.
Little, little firecracker..

Hubba, I swear you would think

that it was the 4th of July
instead of my sister's funeral.

Now, you keep
your damn voice down.

Wha..
Uh, Well, I-I can't believe.

Could it really be?
Doesn't seem, and yet it is.

Unless I'm..
Nope, not dreaming.

It's Piggy.

Emmaline,
I go by my birth name now.

Georgia, Savannah,
Sunset-Laemmle, get out here.

This little piggy
has run all the way home.

♪ I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a.. ♪♪

Rivalries die hard
in the south

and this one was no different.

Well, rock my soul
in the bosom of Abraham.

- You came.
- Well, of course I came.

And I surely hope
you don't blame yourself.

You told me it was my fault.

That's true. It was.

She killed our mama twice,
you know.

- That's not possible.
- Once.

When you did not invite mama

to the birth of Dalia Oprah.

And then again
when you divorced Steven

and tarnished the family name.

And then this last time
when you actually killed her

with your tardy-ass phone call.

- That's a total of three times.
- That's right.

She killed her mama three times.

And, Lord, if she would have

seen this little bald girl

marching into her
Christian home!

Bald girl? I'm like, I'm like,
wearing 14 pounds of human hair.

- Would have killed her again.
- Oh, where are my manners?

Would either of you homicidal
maniacs like a sweet tea?

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

Sweet tea?

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh.. ♪♪

- I want to switch.
- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.
- No.

Mine's got a clicking jaw.

Every time she chews,
I can hear it.

She's got like
a mechanical pencil on her face.

- That's her jaw?
- That's her jaw.

Mine is married.

Yeah, she's just here
for support, like Fred.

So the cooler has his hooks
in the only eligible one?

He got..

- Linda.
- He, he got Linda.

My jaw may click,
but my hearing's just fine.

Tonight, our spirits are low,
but our hair is high.

- Well, mostly.
- Are you kidding?

I had trouble
clearing the doorway.

I can barely hold my head up.

Sunset-Laemmle, say grace.

Oh, why does she always
get to say grace?

She ain't holier than me.

Dear Lord,
thank you for the fried food

we are about to receive,
and also thank you

for the broiled peanuts
and-and the shrimp and grits

seeing as,
those were her favorites.

Let's eat.

Before we do so

I would like to say a few words.

Heaven surely shines
a little brighter tonight

knowing that my sweet mama
has entered its gates.

Amen. Let's eat.

I would also like to say
a few words myself.

Mama, as your firstborn,
we shared a special bond

you didn't share with any of
your subsequent children. Amen.

Mama, you were the wind
beneath my wings.

You were the apple of my eye.

You were the cream in my coffee.

You were my blood diamond, mama.

Well, I think it's clear

you both loved your mama
very much and equally so.

You were my "November Rain."

You were
my "Hunt For Red October."

- I never left her side.
- She never left my heart.

- She was my best friend.
- She was my twin!

Okay, well, let's eat.

I don't want the boiled peanuts
to get cold.

Oh, they're already cold
and weirdly slimy.

- I hate them. Hubba?
- Thank you.

Mama lived and died
with me by her side

and everybody in this family
knows of my dedication to her

but did, did y'all know about

the things
that mama did for me, huh?

How she cheered me up
when I was sick?

- Mama was my Patch Adams!
- She was so patient.

She taught me how to
do things that she--

She was my Mr. Miyagi.

- Dallas!
- What?

Stop trying to out eulogize me.

This whole family knows
that you did not

give a pickled
rat's ass about mama.

- Is that what this is?
- Now, look here.

We may have been estranged

but that does not mean
mama was not the cherry

in my coke because she was.

She made me who I am.

She was my Geppetto!

Meanwhile, back in Chatswin

there was only one couple
on the group date

who'd found the recipe
for love.

And what I like to do
is add just a dash of cinnamon

to the peach reduction
to infuse it with

a what-the-huh flavor.

[chuckles]
Fred, you're reckless.

- Well.
- And married, you know?

I'm sorry?

My man Fred here,
he's matrimonious

as in off the market, un-avails.

Is that true?

- I am afraid so.
- Fred, no.

You know what,
maybe we should call it a night?

Ladies, thank you
for a wonderful evening.

I'm sorry it didn't work out
for any of us.

Fred, I'd really
like to keep in touch.

- Oh.
- Even if it's just as friends.

Um, we could swap recipes.
I'll send you peach crumble.

I'll send you
ooey-gooey-chewy cookies.

Oh, that sounds wonderful.

[laughs]

(Tessa)
'Those were beautiful things
you said at dinner tonight.'

(Dallas)
'Tessa, can I be
honest with you?'

My mama was a narcissistic

punishing, alienating sea bitch.

She came from the..

Sea. I always felt so.

So all those things
you said at dinner..

That's how mama liked it.

Everyone fighting over
who loved her more.

And every time
I walk through this door

it's like
I'm eight years old again,

trying to prove myself.

Dallas, take it
from someone who has..

...mommy issues of their own.

If you don't talk about it,
it never goes away.

I think you owe it to yourself

to have an honest conversation
with her about your feelings.

But it's too late.

Is it?

You never supported me.

You pushed me into marriage
before I was ready.

You criticized every choice
I ever made.

Go on. She can handle it.

And I really could
have used your support

when I went through
that nasty divorce with Steven.

I'll never understand
why you had to make

everything a competition
between Georgia and me.

[sighs]

I suppose the answer
to all these questions

now lies at the bottom
of the sea.

Oh, down in the bubbly blue..

Where you came from...sea bitch.

Okay. That'll do.

Congratulations, Dallas.

You did it.

Yeah.

I guess I did.

I should have never exchanged
my particulars with that woman.

- She has my particulars!
- Fred, relax!

(Fred)
I took a toke.

It was laced with Linda

and I got high off her flow.

Now I'm coming down.
I'm legit tripping.

And half of me thinks
shorty's gonna blow up my spot.

[cell phone vibrating]
She is..

She's gonna blow up my spot.

[cell phone vibrates]

[grunting]

You handled that nicely.

E-mail. I have to change
my e-mail. Okay.

Alright.

[Noah chuckles]

She's trying to reach
you cross-platform!

No, don't click on it!

Fred, look at the subject line.

- It's a cookie recipe. Relax.
- Okay.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Okay.

Hi, Fred.

I promised to show you
my warm, drippy cookies

and I'm about to.

I'm about to show you how
I like to put them in my mouth.

- Oh, don't you dare.
- Oh, don't you dare, Fred.

[grunts]

Listen to me. Don't you dare.

(Linda)
'Fred! It's so hot.'

Oh, I didn't expect it
to be so...hot.

[giggles]

You are perfect. I love you.

Ooh. Can you believe how drippy
and molten the insides are?

Ohh! I can't watch.

- Oh, Fred, these cookies.
- I can.

Oh. Mmm.

- Oh. Lick your lips.
- Don't lick them.

You lick your lips.

- Yes!
- Oh.

- Ahh.
- Oh.

(Sheila)
'Fred!'

What's going on here?
Why do you have a friend over?

- It's a school night.
- Hello, Mrs. Shay.

What kind of trouble
are you boys getting into?

No kind of trouble at all, dear.

We were just, uh, watching--

Snuff porn. Saved it.

Noah, that kind of filth
may be fine in your household

but Fred has not been
exposed to that.

It is not appropriate for him.

Remember, he is quite
a bit younger than you are.

- What?
- He looks up to you.

Because I'm taller.

Come on, there's no way
that Fred is younger than me.

Well, I'll tell you
what's not getting any younger

is the rump I'm roasting
for Sheila's dinner.

I'll, uh, just start
by clearing the table.

Start by removing
this cumbersome laptop.

Putting it in this drawer
and swallowing the key.

[chuckles]
Hope everyone likes
little potatoes.

How old do you think I am?

(Fred)
'Okay, here's the plan.'

I cough up the key,
we unlock the drawer

you dispose of the evidence,
Sheila's never the wiser, okay.

[coughing]

Dad, it's already unlocked.

- Why is it?
- Looking for something, boys?

Uh, uh..

I see your knuckles
are bloody, my love.

Are they?

Did you have an accident
of some sort?

- I'll go get a Band-Aid.
- Now, don't you go anywhere!

Uh, hey,
what's that stubborn matter

you're scraping from
beneath your nails there?

Some of its dirt.

Some of its semi-sweet morsels.

And the rest of it...is Linda.

- I've got homework.
- Aah, oh.

My sweets are the only treats

you should be sampling,
Fred Shay.

Remember that.

And help Linda
remember that too.

Since I suspect her
short-term memory may be..

...spotty from now on.

Ooh. Kitty has claws.

But she's alive, right?

Don't worry. I didn't touch
a hair on her head.

I just tripped and fell
after pooping in her mailbox.

- Ooh.
- She's been warned.

(Dallas)
'Well, made it
through the funeral'

and I can't thank you enough

for being ol' dirty bastard
to my Mariah.

You're very welcome, Dallas.

Hey, do you want to
come in or something?

No, thanks. I think I've had
enough turmoil for one day.

I don't need to see your daddy

and his new girlfriend
canoodling.

Oh. No, they broke up.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- How sad.
- George seems fine about it.

- Oh.
- Goodnight.

Hey. You made it back
in one piece.

I need a hot shower
and a triple bypass.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- You okay?
- I'm okay.

That gal of yours
is pretty special.

Yeah.

Hey, uh..

...I'm sorry about
your mom passing, Dallas.

I wanted to...offer
my condolences.

Oh. Back at you.

May Nora rest in peace.

Heard you stamped out
your latest flame.

Yeah, well, you know,
relationships are complicated.

And she's a great girl
with a warm heart

and I wish her the best.

Dud in the sack?

[chuckles]

Well, they can't all
be Dallas Royce.

No, sir, they cannot.

Fred could be your father, okay?

He could be your [beep] father.