All language subtitles for suburgatory.s03e07.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
Somewhere between
the senior slump

and the Freshman 15

there exists a window

a window to travel outside

your comfort zone,
and to try new things.

For me, that meant
a house party two towns over

thrown by some college kid
home on break.

For Lisa, that meant
going to the house party

in a bedsheet designed
to look like a toga.

I...told you.

Okay. So I guess it's not
required at all college parties.

Or maybe these killas
just don't know what time it is.

I think we should go.
I mean, everyone here can vote.

'Half of them
can legally drink.'

What are they gonna
want to talk to us about?

Come on, guys. We are traveling
outside our comfort zones.

We're meeting new people.

Oh, my God!
I love that toga!

You are hilarious!
I love you.

I love you, too.

- Let me show you to my friends.
- Oh.

Yeah, I'm-I'm, I'm not
officially allowed to vote

but I'm pretty sure
I'm a libertarian.

Let's dance.

[indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music]

I miss my comfort zone.

(male #1 on TV)
'Can a man and a woman
survive alone in the wilderness'

'naked and afraid?'

I sure hope they don't
get trench foot again

'cause I will full on yarf up
this crazy fried rice.

Hey, mommy.

I thought you had plans
with the K-K-K.

Yeah, but Kenzie,
Kaitlyn and Kimantha

wanted to eat Greek at Natalie's
and there's no Wi-Fi there.

Why do you need
Wi-Fi to eat--

I don't like being places
where I don't know

how many "Likes" I'm getting.

I like to see my "Likes"

and when I can't,
I don't like it.

Uh, I can't help but notice

you've become very preoccupied
with your "Likes."

I like "Likes."

But you can't hug a "Like"

and a "Like" won't
put its arm around you

'when the cold wind blows.'

'Cause a "Like"
doesn't have arms.

- Neither does crazy fried rice.
- No, it does not.

But it does have pineapple,
which is crazy.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪♪

Okay.

I put in my time standing

awkwardly in the doorway

and I think it was
now fair to say

this party wasn't my steez.

(Mark)
'This party isn't my steez.'

What was that?

I'd rather pull a Van Gogh
and slice my ear off

than listen
to the brainless chatter

that's echoing
through this room.

Ah, I think I'm gonna
call it a night.

I'm gonna call it a night too.

Yeah, that's a lot better
than standing here..

(both)
Watching that tanorexic
girl make drunk history.

Uh, I'm Tessa.

- Mark.
- I'm from Chatswin.

- Ryebrook.
- Or as I like to call it..

(both)
The worst place
in the whole entire world.

Did we just become
best friends?

"Stepbrothers,"
the best movie of 2008.

Despite Roger Ebert only giving
it two and a half stars.

Yeah, what's his problem?

(both)
"Child 2" wasn't any better
than "Problem Child 1."

I can't believe they made
three of those movies.

[gasping]

Oh!

My, I think I'm sensing
a love connection.

(both)
There's no "D"
in "Gran Torino."

[gasping]

What's the deal
with you and Malik?

Are you guys exclusive
or what?

Oh, Malik and I are
really secure as a couple.

I've always told Malik,
I told him

"You can do whatever
you wanna do

"as long as you can
look at yourself

in the mirror and be okay."

- Okay.
- Okay?

But it wasn't okay,
and something told Lisa

that if she didn't make a move
her relationship with Malik

would end up like
Kid 'n' Plays.. Over.

Mommy, I just "Liked" something
I really didn't like.

What? Why?

Because I didn't want
to seem like a hater

even though I hate her.

Well, what did you like
that you didn't like?

A picture of Tessa.

She met a cute guy
at a party last night.

I see.

Well, it just so happens

you're about to meet
a cute boy, too.

Last night,
after our conversation

I made an appointment with

a well-respected
matchmaking service

called "It's Just Yogurt."

I don't want yogurt.
I want a boyfriend.

No, but this is
for a boyfriend.

See, they casually set you up
with an eligible bachelor

and y'all two grab a yogurt,
and if you don't like him

well, hey, at least you got
a yogurt out of it.

But we have yogurt.

I think the yogurt part
is throwing you.

Honestly, it's not about yogurt.
You'll see.

Oh, hey, Lisa.

Tessa's actually not here.

I...I'm here to see you.

Oh.

Uh, can I get you
something to drink?

No, thank you.

[sighs]

Very temperate weather
we've been having.

Yeah. Yeah.

And how are all your favorite
sports teams doing?

They're fine, thank you.

And why do you think
your marriage failed?

Excuse...excuse me?

You married young, for love.

That's fair to surmise.

Uh, I-I suppose
that's surmisable.

And yet, it was
a huge disaster. Why?

Who said it was a huge disaster?
Did Tessa say that?

No.
But surmisable, right?

I mean...look around.

Okay, what is this about?
Besides making me feel bad.

I just..
I just need some advice

from someone
who's been there, you know?

This is a big decision and I
don't want to take it lightly.

I wanna do my research.

Okay, what big decision
are we talking about here?

I've decided to ask
Malik to marry me.

Is that slang for going
to the prom or something?

No.

That's slang for
being life partners

for as long as
we both shall live..

...and beyond, for all eternity,
in perpetuity

throughout this universe
and any others.

Okay. Well, I guess I just don't
see what the big rush is.

You know, all eternity
isn't going anywhere.

Yes, but Malik is.
We both are.

We're going to college
next year and..

...you should see
the way some of these

college girls act,
Mr. Altman.

They are all over his fine ass.
No, mm-mm.

I need to lock this
whole thing down now

while Malik is still
at his low introductory rate

before his whole
situation skyrockets.

Okay, uh..

...I'm just spit-balling here

but, uh, what if you put
his...fine ass on layaway?

That was a metaphor,
Mr. Altman.

Right.

You sure I can't
get you some lemonade?

Look, I don't
wanna overpromise

but I am literally
a miracle worker.

Right now, the Vatican
is trying to have me sainted.

[gasps]
Oh, my.
Do you hear that, Dalia?

It's true, I have single
handedly found love

for more people than
eHarmony, Okay-Whatever

Tinder, Grouper,
It's Just Cappuccino combined.

So all I need to know
from you beautiful ladies

is exactly what
you're looking for in a man

and I guarantee I will
find you true love

but read your contracts

because true love
is not guaranteed.

- I don't want true love.
- Even better.

I just want a really cute boy
to rub in Tessa Altman's face.

I don't know who that bitch is,
but I hate her already.

He should be anywhere between
6'2" and 6'2 and a half.

Brunette but
blond as a child.

Strong cheekbones, with a weak
chin that quivers when he cries

but he never cries.

Overly arched eyebrows
are a plus.

His relaxed face should look
like he's tasting a gross lemon.

He should be cut,
in both senses of the word.

Slight curve to my left,
if possible.

- Devout Buddhist.
- Okay. I love it.

You have given me
so much to work with.

You're welcome.

That's great.
What about you, darling?

What are you looking
for in a man?

Oh, I don't know.
Whatever you think is best.

Well, what's best is whatever
your heart desires.

So what does it desire?
Tell me.

Um...Dalia had a good answer.

- She did.
- Thanks, mommy.

Um...well, I don't know.

Just somebody good that
you think would be good.

Oh, come on.
Let your imagination run wild.

Okay.
He should be super nice.

- Mm-hmm.
- Or mean, maybe.

Why don't I help?
Do you want a guy with kids?

If he has them,
if not, he shouldn't go out

and get any on my account.

- Religious?
- If he believes, I will.

- If he doesn't, I won't.
- Wait, what?

My man...I'm open to believe
in what he believes.

- But he doesn't exist.
- That's okay.

I don't want to put
any pressure on him.

Okay. Alright.
I've seen this before.

You, my dear,
are a little too preoccupied

with pleasing others.

That being the case, I have
the perfect person for you.

[gasps]
Oh, goody!

- It's you.
- Me?

I want to set you up
on a date with yourself.

I think you need
to get to know you

so you can decide
what you want.

Oh. Okay.

So, take yourself out
for a yogurt

and if you don't hit it off--

At least I get
a yogurt out of it.

Exactly!

And just so we're clear,
this does count

as one of the five matches
you've paid for.

Okay.

There are different
standards of beauty, sure

but if you ask me, it's
imperfection that's alluring.

Total symmetry is bland.

And while it may be
valued above all else

in a town like Chatswin,
to me, that girl over there

looks like she just
rolled off an assembly line.

The processed hair,
the synthetic tan

face full of injectables...
blank stare.

I didn't even have to look.

I knew Mark was
talking about Dalia

because he and I were
two sides of the same coin.

In fact, we were the same side
of the same coin.

Do you collect coins?

- No.
- Neither do I.

Oh, my God.
You're amazing.

[instrumental music]

(Lisa)
Making out with Mark
was effortless.

We both tilted our heads
at the same time

didn't go crazy
with the tongue.

Kind of made me wonder
why I ever bothered

making out with someone
so different than me.

Like Ryan Shay,
who went crazy with the tongue.

There, I said it.

So, h-how are things at work?

Oh, you know,
living just enough for the city.

- Sho' nuff.
- "Sho' nuff?"

I hope everyone
likes fig bickies.

Okay, guys,
I'm...I'm gonna..

I'm gonna cut right
to the chase.

- I'm worried about Lisa.
- Join the club.

Meet the captain of it.
Toot, toot!

I feel a little bad
about going behind her back.

But as a parent,
I know I would want to be told.

- What is it? Alcohol?
- Hashish?

- Has she been dexing?
- Robot tripping?

She on the stove-top?
Chicken feed?

- Did someone turn her out?
- W-what? No!

No. None of that.

[clears throat]

She wants to marry Malik.

[laughing]

Is that all?

To hell with tea.
Where's the champagne?

- No, she's serious about it.
- As she should be.

Malik's a catch.

Yeah, and let's face it,
a little out of her league

so if she can lock that down..

And that's a big "if.."

She should do it, right away.

Okay, aren't you worried at all

'that it'll be a disaster?'

They're kids,
what could they possibly know

about making a marriage work?

Nothing.
But what is there to know?

Sheila and I got married
at a young age and look at us.

Wouldn't change it
for the world.

Couldn't live without
each other.

Well, we could.
But we wouldn't want to.

But my heart would stop beating
the moment yours did.

Whereas, in my case,
you know, the cardio helps.

I swim, so...mine might
beat a little longer.

- Anyway, back to your daughter.
- Darling?

In time, I may even
learn to love again.

[sighs]

You know, for the sake
of the children.

The children would
surely be grown.

Maybe a taller man.
I don't know.

Fair haired for a change
of pace, works in finance

has a little summer place
on the island.

His name is Keith.

Are you seeing someone?

You keep them guessing.

That is the gravy
in the marriage pot pie.

Oh! Are we having pot pie?

It's a very simple recipe

and I will be sure
to share it with Lisa.

[indistinct chatter]

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- Oh, leave that, please.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were
eating alone.

I am.

[sighs]

This is ridiculous.

[instrumental music]

Is it?

Yes.

People are gonna think
I'm a crazy person

having a conversation
with myself.

Why do you worry so much
about what other people think?

Who says I do?

The person who knows
you best...me.

I'm not sure I
like your company.

I'm not sure
I like your outfit.

What's wrong with my outfit?

Steven bought this for me
in Nice.

It's your least favorite color

yet you wear it
all the time, anyway.

- It was a gift.
- What about those earrings?

They're too heavy and they hurt.

Is there any part of you

that isn't some calculated
piece of man bait?

How dare you?

I did not spend hours

waxing my wherewithals
and ne'er-do-wells

to be insulted by
the likes of you!

You can't handle the truth.
Is that it?

I can't handle you!

And don't even think
about following me home.

'I know where you live!'

That woman is a total nightmare.

Well, that was the worst date
ever. I hate me.

Sorry, mommy.
My match was perfect.

He wants to take me to Turks
and Caicos for Vesakha.

Well, that's very nice, Dalia.
I'm happy for you.

I'm just a little mad
at myself at the moment.

Sounds like you were
a total bitch.

I was! I accused myself of being
wrapped up in pleasing men.

I said my entire identity
was nothing but a shiny jewel

meant to capture a man's eye!

I'll show me.

I don't need these
man trapping fineries.

Mommy, don't.
Please, mommy, stop.

I am gonna give myself...
ow...a make under.

- Stop!
- Dalia, I have to do this.

Mommy, you don't know
what you're doing.

These high heels
are coming off.

Mommy.. Oh, my God.
Mommy, no. No, mommy, don't.

[screaming]

- Oh, my God!
- Mom!

Look away!
My feet are hideous!

They're deformed from years
of high heel wearing!

- Mommy, I'm gonna throw up!
- Dalia, don't look!

- 'Mommy!'
- No, look away!

- That's disgusting!
- Don't look!

- Mommy!
- I said don't...oh, oh! Oh!

[thud]

- 'Dalia, help.'
- Carmen, mommy fell!

It was great dating someone

who could literally
anticipate your next move.

Do you need to use
the bathroom?

I do need to use
the bathroom.

But it could also be
a little...not great.

Want a bite?

We ordered the exact same thing,
so, no.

I was kind of hoping
that you'd get some fries

so I could have some.

I was hoping the
same thing about you.

Well, I'm afraid it's not
great news, Ms. Royce.

You have the most severe case
of Barbie foot I've ever seen.

- Is it hereditary?
- No, it's cultural.

Mama had me in heels
before I could walk.

[babbling]

It's just the family way,
doctor.

Oh, I get it. My family
likes to complain about food.

I mean, I'm not deformed
because of it

but I am unpleasant
to dine with.

Oh, doctor.

Will I ever be able
to walk in flats?

No, you won't.

'I would have to break
and reset'

almost every bone in your foot.

It's a very costly
and painful procedure.

Oh, no.

- But it is outpatient.
- I'll take two.

- Thanks for coming.
- Sure, Mr. Altman.

After our last conversation

I was worried
I wouldn't be welcome, so..

- What's this?
- Grilled cheese.

I'm vegan now.
I thought you knew.

But you used to love
grilled cheese.

Didn't you once tell me
you'd be happy eating nothing

but grilled cheese
for the rest of your life?

And now you don't,
you don't eat it anymore.

That's weird.

- What are you getting at?
- Nothing. Nothing at all.

I'm...I'm happy
to make you something else

seeing that your
tastes have changed.

Well, thank you.

I guess we should
just both be glad

you never signed a contract
stating you would only eat

grilled cheese
for the rest of your life..

...in perpetuity.

Okay, I know an ambush
when I see one.

Lisa, wait.
Just hear me out, okay?

Like you said,
I've been there.

I want you to learn
from my mistakes.

When I was not much
older than you

I thought I knew what I wanted.

I thought I knew it all.

But what I didn't know was..

...how much I didn't know.

You can't possibly know
what the future holds..

...not at your age.

What do you want me to say?

I...I want you to say

that you'll think about it
before you do anything rash.

Okay.
I'll think about it.

But, Mr. Altman,
just so you know

I do still like
grilled cheese.

I just make it
with vegan cheese.

Okay.
Well, I think we both know

that's not real cheese.

It's like a million
miles from real cheese.

Sex symbol, doting mom

businesswoman, Chatswinite.

When we strip away our labels,
strip away the ways

in which we define ourselves,
what's left?

Who are we at the core?

For Dallas, the answer was..

...a mousey brunette
with a limp.

Hello.

Sorry.
We don't have any spare change.

Dalia, honey, it's me.
It's mommy.

Oh, my God,
mommy, no.

You look like
a New Yorker cartoon.

Huh.

Mommy, no.
You look so bad.

I miss my old mommy.

But your old mommy was only
interested in pleasing men.

Therefore, she was a monster,
not a mommy.

This is the new me.

And my sweater may itch,
my face may be patchy

my hair may be brittle,
but at least I'm happy.

- You don't look happy.
- I'm miserable.

But I guess that's just the
price I pay for being myself.

But you're not being yourself.

Yourself goes to bed
with a full face of makeup

then reapplies lip gloss
in the middle of the night.

Yourself got a splenectomy
just to hit your goal weight.

And, sure,
yourself cares about looks

but yourself also cares
about other stuff.

Like what?

Turns out, Dalia knew Dallas

better than she knew herself.

Yourself started
your own business

the same year yourself
became a single mom.

Yourself never doubted
yourself before

so why is yourself
doubting yourself now?

Yourself has been
a huge inspiration to me

and if you think I'm great

then you should take
a look at yourself.

Except not...not right now.

You look like something
Carmen snaked out of our drain.

Okay, three-letter-word for..

Hey..
W-where are you going?

You're about to
break up with me

which means
I'm just minutes away

from breaking up with you.

- We're too similar.
- We have all the same thoughts.

"Duck Dynasty" is scripted.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Okay.

You should go.

They say
to never judge a person

until you've walked
a mile in their shoes.

[sighing]

But I would add
that if you're wearing

the same shoes as the person
you're standing next to

maybe it's time to broaden
your horizons.

I thought that's what
you liked about him.

I did...at first.

And then I missed being with
someone who challenged me

and made me try
stupid things

and always ordered
French fries.

[chuckles]

Like Ryan.

Guess there's a reason
opposites attract.

- Exactly, like you and Malik.
- Ebony and Ivory.

Yeah.

- You guys are a great couple.
- We are.

[exhales]
Malik is "Sasha Fierce"
to my "Hova"

and with that said..

...I want you to be
my Kelly Rowland.

You lost me.

I...decided..

...to ask Malik
to marry me.

- Wow!
- Yeah.

Why?

Because I liked it,
so I'm gonna put a ring on it.

What do you think?

- Ah!
- Yeah!

At that moment,
the only thing I

really could think was
"Thanks a lot, Beyonce."