Original subtitles

(Tessa) The town of Chatswin had an undertow

and it was always looking for ways

to suck you back in.

- Bellini-Beluga block party? - Trash.

Extension convention, 10% off human clip-ons.

What is a human clip-on?

Doesn't matter. We're not interested.

Should we sponsor Chatswin Elementary's twerkathon?

They're twerking to end gun violence.

Um, I, I feel like that's not gonna work.

Hey, we're invited to tour Chatswin's historic homes.

'Hmm, do I want to see some rich lady'

show off her walk-in bra closet?

You know what, kind of, but gonna have to decline.

George and I were doing an excellent job

of keeping to ourselves, but it was easy

to turn down invitations that came in the mail.

The ones that were delivered face-to-face

were a little more challenging.

Well, do I look any different?

Turning 17 tomorrow, y'all, 1-7.

It's, like, the last prime number before you can vote.

It's kind of a big deal.

You did it, man, y-you made it.

And in celebration, I intend to make it nasty.

I am dropping it on hos. I am dropping it on the ho.

What does that mean?

It means, I'm having a small dinner party

at Shabu-Shabbos, the kosher Japanese restaurant.

Parentals said I can invite three friends

so without any further ado.

Oh, thanks. I can't wait.

They throw vegetables in the air

and catch them in their chef's hat.

It's a meal and a show.

Hope you guys have fun.

Oh, come on, Tessa, a guy only turns 17 once.

That is, until they make time travel a reality.

[laughing]

C-come on now, my arm's getting tired.

Alright, you know, I'm-I'm just gonna

set the invitation down here

and, uh, y-you can just mull it over.

You know, just give it a good mull.

Yes, I will do that.

Great, and if you could let me know ASAP, that would dope.

Because I can only invite three people.

Got it.

So if you're not coming

I'd like to invite someone else.

In that case, I-I think

you should probably invite someone else.

Okay, you called my bluff. There's no one else.

Ooh, but the thing is

there's also an important calculus test

that I need to study for.

(Evan) 'Okay, well, just, you know'

think about it and let me know.

I did, and I did, and I'm not coming.

I'll circle back.

Yeah, that's good, that's good.

We'll..

[sighs]

That was painful.

W-why you got to be such a hater?

Hey, you can call me a lot of things

but it is a well-known fact that I am not a hater.

Sure, the last name Smith gets her in the door

but that young lady whips her own hair back and forth.

No one does that for her.

Just because I don't wanna go to Evan's party

doesn't make me a hater.

Parties are optional, right?

Damn it, I think she got us on that one.

Parties are optional.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪♪

(Dalia) Okay.

- Here you go. - You're a peach.

[sighs]

Okay, I didn't really need to borrow a cup of milk.

Although that was refreshing. I needed a cup of you.

'Cause I never see you anymore, not since you quit us.

I didn't quit you. I just, I quit the country club.

Was it because of when our leg hairs brushed

against each other in the steam room?

Because I assure you that was accidental

and completely forgotten.

It's not like your wind song stays on my mind.

Look, Fred, it's nothing personal.

I just decided I'm not a country club kind of guy.

- So you hate me. - Not at all.

I just didn't like who I was turning into at that club.

Because you were turning into me?

Hey, what if you and I found a new place to hang out?

Somewhere without a dress code

where we can both relax and be ourselves.

I have the perfect place.

Right here.

Che Che, Jorge.

'Hey, after I get my loads folded'

we can fire up some classic episodes of "Ellen"

and dance to an imaginary audience.

Right, well, I was, I was thinking maybe somewhere

outside of your home where we can get a drink and..

...also maybe not smell whatever it is

that's coming out of your kitchen right now.

Come on, Fred, there's got to be a good bar around.

You know, as a matter of fact, a new bar just opened.

That's what I'm talking about!

Some dive where a couple of guys

can go out and get a nice stiff drink.

Yeah, I even got a coupon.

Nothing says dive bar like a good coupon.

Am I right?

Wait. What is this, a juice bar?

It's got everything we need.

Ample natural light.

Clean, sturdy stools.

We can bro-down till the cows come home

by which I mean Sheila.

By which I mean, she has big and tender brown eyes.

Just please don't tell Sheila I called her a cow.

Fred, when I said drink, I wasn't talking about juice.

But this is pressed juice loaded with fibrous nutrients.

It's more than a beverage. It's a movement.

Right now there's only one oppressed nation

but their dream is to have oppressed nations

all over the world.

Well, we can all dream.

- Two fermented Fujis, please. - Alright.

They contain a trace amount of alcohol

but I'm wearing my medic-alert bracelet

so let's party.

Are you a member of our juice club?

Uh, no, no, I am not a regular.

You might be after you try this.

Hmm, what if I told you that contained nothing

but kabocha squash and almond milk?

I'd tell you to shut your mouth.

- There's no ice cream in that? - No.

- I, I will take a large. - Sorry.

Non-members can only sample the specialty flavors.

- I'm a member. - C-can I sip on his?

- No, I won't let you. - Ah.

If you sign up for the juice club

you get to order off the insider's menu.

- And you get deep discounts. - You know what?

This might be the kabocha squash talking.

But I'm in.

Oh, hey, Tessa. Great news.

I got to our math teacher, Mrs. Nelson.

What do, what do you mean you got to her?

Well, I told her that some students

including yours truly, were suffering

from pre-traumatic test disorder

and she agreed to postpone the exam.

Oh, that's great. So what?

So the excuse you gave is no longer valid.

Crisis averted?

Set Tessa to party mode?

Commence cookies and cream?

Okay, well the truth is

the test wasn't the only reason I couldn't go to your party.

See, I made this pact with my dad.

I'm not trying to take your virginity, Tessa.

- Not that kind of pact. - So I can take your virginity?

That is not what this is about, right?

You're not trying to ask me on a double date

because I know how indiscriminately horny you are.

Filthy as charged.

And I just wanna make sure

that is not what this is about.

No, of course not, unless you want it to be

in which case, yes, it absolutely is.

- I don't want it to be. - Then, yeah, no probs.

See you at 5:15 and, uh, no gifts.

Just write down 17 reasons why you're glad I was born.

Oh, and I'm not saying it has to be in pirate speak

but the theme is pirates.

(Dalia) Welcome to Crystal Cup of Crystals.

How can I provide you with dazzling service today?

Oh, I'm, uh, just looking around, thanks.

For anything in particular?

We just got in a stunning shipment of figurines

based on the "Modern Family" gang.

Crystal Cam's my fave 'cause there's nothing he won't say.

Actually, I was just wondering if you had a bathroom.

Let me guess, you just came

from the new juice place down the street.

- Yeah. So the bathroom? - Tell me something.

What are they putting in those juices over there?

Look, I don't know, but all I know is

it doesn't stay very long.

- I'm begging you. - Bathroom's in the back.

And wipe down the crystal sink when you're done.

It spots easy.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ahoy, me hearty.

Shiver me timbers.

Happy Birthday, Evan.

You wenches clean up nicely.

Lucky is the pirate that finds booty tonight.

Hi, can I start you guys off with an Adam Sandler roll?

- Is it any good? - It's super popular, but no.

Hey, it's my 17th birthday. Can I get a hug?

Sure, cutie.

(Evan) 'Oh, my God, you smell so good.'

I, I think you're smelling sukiyaki sauce.

Boy-yoi-yoing.

Okay, let's toast the man of the hour, yours truly, me.

Evan Fievel Abramowitz.

E is for everything I like about him, which is many.

V is for very much, which is plenty.

A is for his asthma, which never slows him down.

N is, is not really

'cause it-it really slows him down.

- Just.. - Hey, I love you, bro.

Welcome to Crystal Cup of Crystals.

How can I provide you with daz--

You got a bathroom?

Well, of course we do. However..

So if you'd like to empty your bladder

you will also need to empty your wallet.

Fine. I'll take one of these.

A single crystal tear? That's how you're gonna do me?

I am a strong, independent businesswoman

not a bathroom attendant.

I didn't name this establishment Crystal Crap of Crappers.

I swear, there is not enough autumn pear in the world.

I am putting that juice place on notice.

On notice.

And number 17, on my Evan loving list

is the way his teeth gleam like precious amethyst.

I don't know, Tessa, those were some

pretty tough acts to follow.

Oh.

My gift is less of a epic poem

and more of a online gift card.

Wow, okay, that's hurtfully impersonal.

Yes, but on the bright side

you can buy anything you want online these days.

Yeah, except friends.

You know, I, I think I feel my bronchial passages tightening.

I, I'm gonna get some fresh air.

Really, you couldn't just freestyle something?

- Off the dome? - Guys, no.

Because no.

Even if I could drop something off the dome

trust me, you guys wouldn't like what I had to say.

I didn't even wanna come here in the first place.

So, what, so you think you're just too cool for Evan

'cause he's a nerd?

Have we not progressed beyond nerd bigotry

as a society on the whole?

Or did you not vote for Pedro?

It is not that.

McLovin, screech powers.

Poindexter on the violin.

I ask, was all their work in vain?

Did Steve Urkel do that for nothing?

I swear, when you get emphatic, it is unspeakably arousing.

You want to take care of that situation?

But look, you guys

I don't hate Evan because he's a nerd

but I don't give him a free pass because of it either.

Sorry, I just, I, I don't subscribe

to that whole protected class thing.

It's like, who is the biggest two-faced klepto we know, who?

- I don't know. - You don't wanna say it.

I know, 'cause it's Katie.

Katie, who, uh, happens to be in a wheelchair.

Oh, my gosh, I love your purse.

Thanks.

Hey, guys, look at this ugly purse I just found.

- Katie has been through a lot. - Agreed.

But does that mean she gets to do whatever she wants?

Does that mean because Evan has adorkable, little glasses

and an ever-present canister of albuterol

that he gets to postpone tests

and grope the waitstaff?

Look, if you don't have anything nice to say--

Don't say it at all, correct.

Which is why I declined Bellinis and Belugas.

I declined twerkathons

and I tried to decline attending the birthday

of a self-indulgent, horny manipulator--

♪ Happy Birthday to ye ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to.. ♪

Well, I can tell you who's not getting

the marzipan parrot.

Oh, hello. Do you like delicious things?

What's wrong with you? You're acting weird.

- Are you drunk? - Yeah, I'm drunk, on nutrition.

[chuckles] Try this new juice I found.

- It's got goji pulp. - I don't want goji pulp.

What happened to our everything else?

I got rid of it to make room for the juice.

It's cheaper if you buy in bulk

and with my new membership discount--

What? You joined a club?

I thought we weren't doing that.

No, it's not a club, club.

It's-it's just an opportunity for people

who live in certain zip codes

to get privileges that aren't available..

Crap, I joined a club. I wasn't supposed to do that.

- No. - How did this happen?

You sipped the juice.

George, you let your guard down and you sipped the juice.

That's how it works.

You show just a little bit of weakness

and, and the next thing you know, you're in

full pirate garb, ruining birthdays

and jeopardizing your two best friendships.

Now if you will excuse me, I'm gonna pour myself

a big bowl of cereal because, as you can see

I did not get the marzipan parrot.

I can't even look at you right now.

There's gum in my car.

- Hey, buddy. - Hey.

Victor's at school. I got my chores done.

Do you want to binge-watch some "Silk Stalkings?"

Uh, sorry, Fred. I'm spending the day in the city.

I got a little off-track and I need a dose

of New York to remind me who I am.

Don't have to ask me once, I am in.

I-I don't think you're ready

for the mean streets of Manhattan.

Nonsense, if "Crocodile Dundee" can acclimate..

O-okay, but we're not gonna be doing any touristy stuff.

- Nor would I want to. - Okay.

Let me just grab my poncho, my traveler's checks

and my walking stick.

I'll be right back.

[indistinct chatter]

Uh, can I sit here

or are you guys saving this seat for Evan?

- She doesn't know. - She wouldn't care.

- She might. - She won't.

Hey, she's standing right here.

You wanna tell her what you're talking about?

Evan was too upset to come to school today.

Evan actually skipped school?

I thought he had the record for perfect attendance.

Not anymore, that crown is now worn by Vikram Deshpande.

(all) Go, Vikram, go, Vikram. Go, Vikram, go, Vikram!

Don't get cocky, Vikram. Flu season's are coming.

I wasn't trying to ruin his perfect attendance record

and I certainly wasn't trying to ruin his birthday.

But I guess I did both.

But in my defense, you guys have seen my iPod.

You like Willow Smith.

That doesn't make you a good person.

And that's when I realized

trying so hard not to change changes you.

And as for George..

Okay, when it's crowded like this

you're gonna wanna grab onto the poll

unless it's just unpleasantly sticky, which it is.

You know what, just grab onto me.

He couldn't tell if the city had changed..

Oh. There you go.

[coughing]

...or he had.

You are gonna love this place.

They have the thickest steaks in town.

Hey, which ho are we in?

- SoHo, NoHo, BoHo? - Wow.

I do not remember the prices being this high.

How can they charge that much for a steak?

It's like the price of ten thin steaks.

What, did it get a college education before they killed it?

Uh, I doubt it. Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, wait, this is the lunch menu I'm looking at.

So the dinner prices..

Okay, no, there is no steak thick enough.

- Let's go, Fred. - Okay.

I can't believe I'm about to eat a New York City hot dog.

Sheila says they're nothing but sodium and pig lips.

Yeah, and I'm, I'm pretty sure they're $2, not 10.

You think that guy scammed us

'cause we look like we're from out of town?

Oh, I don't know about that.

That seems awfully mean-spirited.

Hey, do you know how to get to the Statue of Liberty from here?

Oh, I'm just visiting.

Although I can see how you would mistake me

for a denizen of this bustling..

- Now that's a knife. - Whoa.

Whoa, hey, hey. Somebody, stop that guy.

He just robbed my friend. Stop..

Okay, or just go about your business

and ignore the suffering of others.

I just got mugged. I love this town.

I'd been trying so hard to draw a line between me

and the rest of Chatswin that I'd crossed it.

I owed Evan a sincere apology.

[knocks]

- 'Go away.' - Evan.

I'm here to say sorry.

I'll even say it in pirate speak.

I'm so-o-r-rry for what happened last night.

- Can I come in? - 'Okay.'

I pretty much cried myself to sleep on my birthday.

That's terrible.

Your words cut sharper than a Ginsu.

I feel awful.

I guess I just didn't realize

that was what you thought of me.

Look, it, it doesn't matter

what I think of you, I should've kept my mouth shut.

You know, sometimes I think it's easier to focus

on other people's issues than your own.

I guess we're not so different after all.

Not quite sure how you got there, but--

Can I just have a hug? Uh, I guess.

- Uh.. - Boy-yoi-yoing.

Okay, I am never talking to you ever again.

Worth it, it happened and it was documented on video.

I may never be able to name 17 great things about Evan

but he did figure out how to get an ass grab

on his birthday, so I guess if nothing else

he's resourceful and you'd have to be

to survive 17 years in Chatswin.

Okay, George, tell me everything about the city

and don't leave out a single detail.

Oh, yeah, okay, well, uh, where do I begin?

Uh, there were just these awesome crowds.

You know, so many people just..

...energized right in your face

[clears throat] Uh, and all, all our favorite hotspots

became, you know, supremely expensive

and the stench of urine just--

- Hits you like a wall. Bam. - Bam.

I am so glad I grew up in Manhattan and not Chatswin.

Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me?

This place with its courteous people

and low crime rate and reasonably priced thin steaks

and free refills on your drinks, it's the worst.

Sometimes, the way we see ourselves

doesn't exactly line up with who we are.

And for George, came the surprise

that his hometown didn't feel like home anymore.

Somehow, someway, he had become more attached

to Chatswin than he ever meant to.

You guys get a new lighting fixture?

Yeah, it's a little much.

The crazy lady down the street

blackmailed us into buying it.

It doesn't exactly look like it belongs here.

No, but, I like it. It's got character.

(female #2) 'No, you can't get pregnant underwater.'

So needless to say we're both taking scuba.

Yeah, that's what scuba stands for.

Sperm Cannot Underwater Be Activated.

That's not what scuba stands for.

But there was no point.

Chatswin was always going to be Chatswin.

There was nothing I could do to change that.

Tessa, I hear you were talking smack about me the other day.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I have to learn how to keep my mouth shut.

No, I liked it.

No one ever calls me out on anything

because I'm in a wheelchair, but you did

and I just wanna say thanks.

You're glad I called you a two-faced klepto?

Because I am one and sometimes getting called out

makes you realize it's time to change.

Here's your hoodie and your zucchini bread

and your 4D batteries.

All this was in my--

Yeah, here's the combination

lock to your locker.

And I just wanna tell you to your face

that I've never really been a big fan of yours.

Until now.

Thanks?

Here's your travel mug.