Original subtitles

(Tessa) With the right attitude, a bad breakup

can turn into a fresh start.

Post Ryan, I was doing great and looking better

if I do say so myself.

After all, being single is what you make it

and I was making it my bitch.

Unfortunately, George was another matter.

What are you eating?

hamburger.

Functioning people hamburgers

before 9 a.m.

They also don't go outside in their pajamas.

So? It's not like I'm trying to impress anyone.

Yeah. No risk of that.

Hey.

If I wanna walk the drive-through

for a breakfast burger, so be it.

- Burger, please. - 'I'm sorry, sir.'

(female #1) 'But we're still serving breakfast.'

'You can order anything on the left side of the menu board.'

'Anything at all.'

[car honks]

Burger, please.

Let that be a lesson to you, Tessa.

If you hold up the drive-through line long enough

you can change the world.

How long till you change your clothes?

I'm a bachelor, baby. I'm free!

This is what freedom looks like, right here.

Oh, so freedom has pit stains?

Nobody said freedom was pretty. Have you seen Syria lately?

George doesn't wanna admit it

but his behavior is a direct result

of his breakup with Dallas.

When a long-term relationship ends

people tend to freak out.

After Malik and I split

I spent a lot of time in car washes

more time than I'm comfortable admitting.

Nobody knows better than me about epic breakups.

I get it. I just wish George would follow my lead.

After all, I am doing great

and looking better

if I do say so myself.

I guess it's easier for me, though

because I'm completely over Ryan.

Completely?

- Totally. - Good.

(Sheila) Because Ryan is coming home

I'll need you to sweep the attic from top to bottom, Lisa.

Use my good broom.

I doubt Ryan will be going up to the attic.

Oh, but he could, he could.

So it needs to be RR.

Ryan ready.

Your father is out buying driveway sealants

so Ryan makes a smooth entry. That is done.

Oh, and I have made a chart

with everyone's sleeping arrangements.

Victor, Ryan will be sleeping with you

like a couple of real brothers.

I actually have a real brother.

He was left behind in Cambodia.

Fred will be bunking down in the rumpus room on the pullout.

Well, why can't he just sleep in his bed?

Because, ding-dong, Ryan's new girlfriend is coming

and she'll be sleeping in with me

so I can keep an eye on her.

Ryan has a girlfriend?

And heaven has angels.

His gal pal will be locked in my sleep chamber

with the only key tucked safe and sound

in my prison purse.

Your father bought it for me on our honeymoon trip to Alcatraz.

I usually keep my tampons in it.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪♪

(Tessa) Hi.

[doorbell rings]

(Tessa) Hey, that's the dog groomer.

[indistinct chattering on TV]

Allow me. I see you have your hands full sitting.

I'm-I'm watching the Chilean mine disaster.

Another one? Those guys need to stay above ground.

No, no, the same one.

I didn't have time to follow it when it first happened

but now I am not leaving this couch until the last man is out.

They do get out, right?

- Oh. - He's a puller!

- I know. Sorry. - Hell, no.

[chuckles] He looks like Howdy Doody.

I recommend walking him more regularly on pavement.

It's gonna keep his nails under control in between groomings.

Uh-huh.

Monique had a difficult time clipping his nails.

She described them as long and thick.

I brought you some shards so you could see.

That's very thoughtful of you. Thank you.

To be honest, his condition alarms me.

There's considerable matting. His ears are waxy.

I wouldn't be surprised if there was a flea infestation.

I-I-I don't, I don't understand.

I thought he got the works. He-he looks great.

- I'm talking about your dad. - Oh. Yep.

Do you mind my asking? What's his feeding schedule like?

Oh, we just have an open-bowl policy.

I'm not sure that's best.

In my opinion, he's overindulging

and not getting enough exercise.

Okay, I'll try to walk him more

but like you said, he is terrible on the leash.

- Still talking about your dad. - Mm..

I feel for you, Tessa.

It's an upside-down world when a kid has to parent a parent.

Tell you what.

I'm gonna enroll Biederman in our daily-walk service

since you're gonna be at school

and your father will apparently be

spread eagle on the couch.

That would be really great. Thank you.

One last thing.

I'm concerned about worms.

Now, the only way to rule that out is to check his stool.

I don't wanna check my dad's stool.

This time I was talking about the dog.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you. Bye.

[door opens]

- What's that smell? - I don't smell anything.

[sniffs] How can you not? It's oppressive.

Well, it's definitely not my stadium buddy.

- Your what now? - My stadium buddy.

I'm just saying the smell can't be from that

because of its odorless, money-back guarantee.

Don't wanna miss the rescue.

Are you urinating

in a bag strapped to your leg?

Not at the moment.

Okay. Well, I guess we know what that smell is.

Rock bottom!

Hey, hey, I told you, I am not getting off this couch

until ever man is out, every man!

What? Don't judge me.

I-I've seen how you greet your friends.

(Tessa) George hitting rock bottom left me no choice

but to call in reinforcements

someone who is a master of the mature dating scene.

Oh!

- Altman. - Hello, grandpa?

(Tessa) 'And I'm just worried about him, you know?'

I mean, what about when I go to college?

You know, he's gonna be all alone.

[door opens]

Dad. Hi. I didn't..

I didn't know you were coming up this way.

I wasn't.

[door shuts]

Are you sick?

Sick of wearing pants.

You were out and about like that?

I may have caught a movie.

Sno-Caps?

I think we both know the answer to that.

So h-how long are you visiting for?

TBD.

What was that?

I saw that. That was, that was a look.

No look.

- 'No look?' - No look.

Did you.. Are you..

Did you tell my dad on me?

Yes, George, I did!

I did and I would do it again.

Oh, brother.

Dad, I'm sorry Tessa dragged you

'all the way over here for nothing.'

She's crazy, okay? I'm great. Everything's great.

No, you're not great

and everything is not great.

- Hey. - There's a child in the house.

Have you thought about what kind of impression you're making?

Other than the one on the sofa?

You hush your lips.

George, I'm worried about you.

I hate to see you like this.

Now, you're never gonna attract a dynamite gal

wandering around in your bed clothes.

I-I'm not interested in attracting a dynamite gal, okay?

I'm taking a break! What?

- From showering. - Shut up, traitor.

Look, George, Tessa explained what happened.

And I'm here to tell you

that nothing gets you over an old flame quicker

than igniting a new one.

Now, I want you to go get yourself all cleaned up.

There's a swingles event in town that I've RSVP'd for.

Okay, sorry, dad--

Look, a man's RSVP is his word.

I-I didn't RSVP.

And Jane Seymour said she didn't have time for a daiquiri

but we both know how that turned out.

Bam.

She had one daiquiri with you at the airport

and then flew home to her husband.

Bam!

[knocking on door]

- 'Whoo-hoo!' - 'Yay!'

Hold your mirth! It's just Tessa.

Sorry. Just me.

Victor, dust-bust the entry

while I dice confetti.

Nobody wants Tessa's sloppy seconds.

Tessa, what are you doing here?

Hi, I just came over to see if you wanted

to walk into town and get some yogurt.

Oh, that's so sweet. No.

What is going on in here?

Nothing.

[vacuum cleaner running]

Is, um...Ryan coming home?

No.

So that "Welcome home Ryan" banner is just..

Preparation for the future

if and when the day should come.

Okay. Yeah. Ryan's coming home.

He's coming home to meet Victor Ha.

- What? - Victor, I beg you.

I had hoped to shield you from this.

Lisa, I told you I'm fine with seeing Ryan.

Fine with seeing Ryan with his new girlfriend?

Also, Ryan has a new girlfriend.

Ryan has a girlfriend?

Ryan has a girlfriend.

Of course, he does.

And you know what? I think that is great!

Really? I mean, you don't feel threatened or--

Not at all. I'm..

I'm tickled that Ryan has followed my example

and moved on.

But you're not seeing anyone.

- But I have moved on. - Sure.

The long-distance thing never works

and I was mature enough to realize that.

Besides, it's not like we don't know exactly

who this chick is, right?

- Oh. - Deep tan.

Bleach-blonde hair

big boobs, s-small IQ.

It'll be good to see Ryan.

While I was bracing for an encounter with my old flame

George had been dragged out in search of a new one.

- Uh, George. - Yeah?

Have you introduced yourself to the beautiful girl

seated next to you?

Hi.

You want shrimp?

No, thanks.

- They're free. - Still no.

Uh, George, uh, perhaps you'd like to, uh

set aside the shrimp for a moment

and take this pretty gal

for a spin on the dance floor.

I've a feeling this young lady loves to dance.

- I do. I love to dance. - Yeah, I don't. I-I don't.

I always feel like a, like a T.rex, you know

like my arms are too short for my body.

What if we went back to my place for a little..

[chuckles]

Come on. We're leaving.

Thank God, I'm literally so full of shrimp

I think I'm gonna throw up.

[instrumental music]

Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, yeah. I-I will take a ginger ale

and directions to the toilet..

...gorgeous.

I can, I can hold it.

Ryan Shay's back!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Aah!

Oh, I botched it! Oh, I botched it.

- It's okay. - I botched the arrival.

It's okay, mom. It's good to see you.

Oh..

Oh, you always know just what to say.

Oh. Oh, gosh.

- Tessa. - Hi.

Hi.

♪ It was a fine day in the fifth grade.. ♪

Um, this is my girlfriend, June.

I'd been expecting a Ryan type

but she was more like

a Tessa type.

Cool boots.

♪ So time to time ♪

♪ Now you can think of me ♪♪

Scoot over here for a minute, will you, love bug?

Hey, George, remember how you used to hate mushrooms

swore up and down, you were allergic, even?

And one day I forced you to try 'em

pizza--

I order extra mushrooms.

So listen to someone older and wiser.

- Try some mushrooms. - Really, dad?

She is not mushrooms. Sorry.

And romancing women is not the answer

to all of life's problems.

Well, we got to use what Mother Nature gave us

before Father Time takes it away.

Well, I guess we see things differently.

- Really? - Yeah.

Exactly how do you see things, George?

- What is your master plan, hm? - You know what?

It's normal to feel bad when bad things happen.

- You know what's not normal? - Now, don't you dare.

Moving on so fast, it's like

your whole marriage never existed.

- Is that what you think I did? - No.

That's what I watched you do.

Mom wasn't gone a month

and you were already back out there

in the, in the dating pool.

Hey, don't you splash me.

Oh, I'll splash you all I want.

Hey, let me tell you something, mister.

When your mother was on this Earth

I loved her every day of my life with every inch of my soul.

We were supposed to grow old together

but it didn't work out that way, did it?

No.

It didn't.

Life is for the living, George.

And sitting in the dark, eating Sno-Caps..

...it's not how I intend to live mine.

Hold still.

This has to be completely level.

Ryan, by a mile, not even close.

- But I'm only nine! - Don't be a sore loser, bro.

What's next? I know. Let's see who can carry mom longer.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

I'll go first. Ready? Go!

♪ Now I've had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪♪

Isn't it obvious?

She's like a poor man's me!

Oh, don't tell me you don't see it.

She's completely Tessa-like.

- W-we don't even know her. - Don't we?

Military boots, snarky attitude

lightly flushed cheek

and a, and a natural lip.

Side part.

It's like, it's like he's trying to recreate.

[knocking on door]

Lisa, is it okay

if I sleep in here instead of with your mom?

- What-what did she say? - Of course, it's fine, June!

Come on! Come in, make yourself comfortable.

Oh. Would you look at that?

Uh, June has a book tucked under her arm.

Apparently, June likes to read.

Who else likes to read, Lisa?

Uh, billions of people?

Just a little Poe. He's my favorite.

Ditto. So, June, um..

How did you and Ryan first meet?

Actually, we met at an advanced screening

of "Sea Of Anguish II."

- Do you know it? - Absolutely.

I'm, uh, very, very, very familiar

with that indie series.

In fact, Ryan never knew those type of films existed

until he met me.

I'm the one who took him to see "Sea Of Anguish I."

Oh. Cool!

- Favorite band? - 'Mm, hard to say.'

I like so many different types of music.

Same. Same. Same.

But I am really into this group that Ryan turned me on to.

- Average Shelf Life? - Yeah. Yeah, how did you know?

Because that's my band.

What do you mean that's your band?

That's my band.

I'm the one who turned him on to them

so get this, June

everything you like about Ryan stems from me.

So, uh, what I'm trying to say is, basically

you are in love with me.

I think I might just sleep in your mom's room, after all.

You know what? Don't worry. She's not staying.

Boy, oh, boy, Ryan must have searched high and low

to find a Tessa-type in Florida.

Oh, I'm not from Florida.

I actually live a couple of towns over.

- What? - Yeah.

The long-distance thing sucks, but it's worth it.

When you find a guy like Ryan, you don't let him get away.

- Right? - Right.

I guess we weren't that much alike, after all.

♪ So much time has passed.. ♪

- 'Hey, you okay?' - I'm okay.

- Tessa, stop. - Why?

What? What is there left to say?

Can you judge our push-up contest?

I'm lighter, but I still think he's gonna beat me.

♪ Guess he never really gave up hope.. ♪

Why don't you ask June to judge? I'm sure she'll be better at it.

♪ Goes to show you never know ♪♪

[instrumental music]

"Sugar, water, juice concentrate."

What the hell kind of wine is this?

Oh, that's not wine. It's wine product.

Real wine can't be sold in markets here.

No, I was looking for a, uh

host gift for my son.

No need to toss out good manners just because we aren't speaking.

Oh, dear. I'm sorry to hear that.

- What grade is he in? - Oh, no, he's full grown.

Although he doesn't always act like it.

Yeah, it's been rough between us.

I try, but sometimes I think not hard enough.

Well, what matters is that you keep trying

that you're there.

I believe it was Kelly Ripa-Consuelos who said

"Your children need your presence

not your presents."

Uh, it looks better when you see it on the page.

- Ah. - Yeah.

- So, uh, no wine? - No wine.

But if you insist on going there

I'd do a salted caramel artisanal ice cream.

It heals all wounds.

It is a shining beacon in the darkness.

You see, I want my son to be able to enjoy

some nice warm conversation

with a beautiful lady like yourself.

I, uh, I don't suppose you'd be interested in meeting--

Oh, hell no. Don't look at me.

I am done with men and on to salted caramel.

Toodles.

So...that's it?

Yeah, I'm gonna get out of your hair.

You don't need me around telling you what to do.

But, George, if you ever need me around

not telling you what to do, just pick up the phone.

I'm sorry I splashed you.

Nah. Nah, I had that splash coming.

My only excuse is you're my kid and I wanna see you happy.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, I left you

some fancy ice cream in the freezer.

Some fox I ran into at the grocery store

panacea.

You can't push a grocery cart without hitting one.

- Is that right? - No, she was a good one.

I'm telling you, but I'll tell you this.

I loved your mom more than all of them put together.

Okay, I'm sorry I brought up all the mom stuff.

I was lightheaded from the hot tub and too much shrimp.

Yeah, well, you did have a lot of shrimp.

- They were free. - Seriously, uh..

I know you're not ready to start dating

but, uh...leave the door open, will you?

Just a crack.

And if love comes a-knocking

don't be afraid to answer.

Deal.

I thought we agreed you were gonna leave the door open.

I thought that was a metaphor.

You want me to leave my actual door--

Well, no, I guess you're right

but if someone comes knocking--

No, I-I got it.

[knocking on door]

Okay, that was a test. You passed.

- Goodbye, dad. - Goodbye.

[knocking on door]

Okay, this is getting ridiculous.

- Oh. - Oh.

- Hi. - Hello.

I'm just.. I'm here picking up.

Your dog.

- For his walk. - Oh, right. Yeah.

Biederman. Come here.

Alrighty. You ready to go on your walk? Here you go.

You're, uh, looking very dapper today.

Oh, thank you.

You know what? I could use some fresh air.

- You mind if I join you? - Oh, that'd be great.

I can show you some of my on-leash corrections

and you can be the bag man.

I am not gonna ask what that means

'cause I think I already know.

[indistinct chattering on TV]

Hey, did you know

it was over a 90 degrees underground?

Not to mention the humidity.

Having some morning ice cream?

It's so good. You want some?

No. Thank you.

I, uh, I ran into Ryan outside.

Guess he's back for a visit.

Mm. Guess so.

Look, Tessa, I know how you feel

but the less time you spend on the couch

the better.

And I'm not just saying that 'cause it's a beautiful day out

but also because it could truly use a cleaning

after the spill.

- What spill? - I-I didn't have an accident.

But my stadium buddy did.

I think I'm gonna go shower.

It's not exactly true, but she's my kid

and I wanna see her happy.

You know what? I can't take your judgment.

Go lay down on your mat.

[instrumental music]