All language subtitles for suburgatory.s01e18.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

Ahh.

(male #1)
'Throat looks good.'

'Pupils are dilating normally.'

Do you want to sit up?
Any fever?

- She's cool to the touch.
- No.

Although I couldn't get her
to submit to a core reading.

- Appetite?
- Diminished.

Greatly diminished.

How's the mood?
Good?

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

She's moody,
but then she always has been.

Regular bowel movements,
from what I can hear

but a mother's instinct,
Dr. Roger.

Something's different.
She's off.

Mrs. shay,
may I ask you to step

into the waiting room
for a moment?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's none
of your business.

Being in love is nothing
to be ashamed of.

Unless he's a drifter.

Are you in love with a drifter?

- No.
- It's not Arthur Fonzarelli.

Is it?
Because he's fictional.

Look, Lisa, I get it.

You're a tweenager

and tweenagers don't like
talking to their parents.

I'm not a tweenager.

I'm practically old enough
to vote.

[brakes squeal]

Now you listen to me,
Lisa Marie.

For years, I have sat here
while you prattled on

about your social life,
when nothing

even remotely interesting
was going on!

Well, now that things
are getting real

I want details.

I want the dish.

Bring it on, sistah.

She broke your bed?

Buddy, Jill was doing things
to me last night

that would have broken
a KGB Agent.

She has got me open,
buddy, wide open.

My theory is that she..

...had been so repressed

so frigid
for so many years

that her sexual energy pent up
inside of her like a Tsunami

and once I figured out how
to unleash her waves

they have been crashing down
on me every night, buddy!

Every night I have been
surfin' my lady's brine.

Okay, I'm just gonna
take this to go.

Oh, hell, I'll eat it.
Thank you.

I'm ravenous
from all the intercourse.

I can't get enough sustenance

to fuel the intercourse.

Mm. Dallas!

Oh! George, you startled me.
I was mid-tweet.

Hashtag-mid-tweet and send.
I'm all yours.

Well, I-I haven't seen you
around recently.

- Everything good?
- So, so good!

If you read my last tweet,
then you wouldn't have to ask.

Well, I'd rather ask.

When I don't see you,
I worry about you, Dallas.

I mean, I think about you

and I know this must be
kind of a rough time.

Rough time?

You know, with the divorce.

I heard it was finalized.

Why, yes, it was.

I got the papers this morning,
and I had 'em laminated.

My divorce is so final,
you could eat off it

which I did,
and it tasted good.

Glad to hear you're eating well
and keeping yourself--

Real, real busy.

I've been filling
every second of every day

with lots of real fun,
super fun, real fun stuff.

[chuckles]
Okay.

And then, come midnight
I stone-cold medicate myself

and I sleep like a rock.

Oh. Well, okay.

It sounds like you have
a system, I guess, but, you know

things do have a way
of catching up with you.

I know, which is why
I have Dalia

in therapy five days a week.

Well, gotta run,
I have a pap smear

and then I'm taking Yakult
to get blinged-out grillz

like Nelly.

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da,
da da da da ♪♪

[knock on door]

- Who's there?
- Lisa Shay.

Come in.

[toilet flushes]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Tessa, let me just cut
to the chase.

The story is about to break,
and I want you to hear it

from me first.

I have taken Malik..

...as a lover.

- I knew that.
- Did my mother tell you?

- I knew I couldn't trust her.
- What?

No. Lisa..
I could tell.

I saw you two the other day
at the water fountain.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

Where did you learn how
to drink from a fountain, girl?

Pretty obvious.

I just.. I want you to know
that although he

and I will most likely be
exploring parts

of each other's bodies
that are difficult to clean

my relationship
with you will remain stet.

- "Stet?"
- Unchanged.

I won't abandon you, Tessa.

I didn't think you would,
'cause I'm not the kind

of girl that ditches her GF,
the minute she gets a BF.

You know, 'cause me
and you, we're for real.

We're like
Thelma and that other ho.

Lisa, relax.

I'm happy for you and Malik

and the thought
that you might ditch me

honestly, never even
crossed my mind.

I'd take a bullet for you.

Thanks.

(Tessa)
I was happy for Lisa
and Malik.

Really, I was,
but if I recalled correctly

Thelma and Louise's
relationship ended

on kind of a down note.

- How about "Lisik?"
- Mm.

It's okay. I don't think it
beats "Malisa."

Tessa, what do you think?

I think you two should maintain
your individual identities

and not feel compelled
to fuse into one person

just because you're dating.

Tessa, every couple has
a couple name.

(Tessa)
I wasn't going to argue
with her.

Everything would be fine

as long as she didn't
ask Malik to--

Oh, Malik.
You've gotta taste my vanilla.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(Tessa)
Yeah.

♪ Yeah ♪♪

Now I want you
to taste mine.

Taste it.

[whispers]
Taste it all.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

I should probably just go.

Well, I said it was for a dog
when I booked the appointment.

Whose fault is that?
That's not my fault.

Well, I.. No, you
can't cancel on me now

'cause I've cleared
my whole evening--

Bye, mommy,
Carmen's taking me to therapy.

Oh. Hey!

Wait. Carmen, what are you up
to afterwards?

- I go to see my uncle.
- Oh, super fun!

- Mind if I come with?
- He's in hospice.

(Dalia)
'Carmen! See you later, mommy.'

Okay then. Okay.

I'll see you later,
Dalia and Carmen.

I'll see you both later then.

[instrumental music]

Thanks so much for having me
over for breakfast.

I think he has an Obama quality.

I see a young Obama
Meets Denzel.

Meets Sammy Davis Jr.

You're just naming
black people.

- Meets Montell Jordan.
- I actually get that a lot.

- You're jiving me. Really?
- Mom.

[cell phone vibrating]

'Tessa.'

She wants to know what's up
for the weekend.

Tell her you're hanging
out with me.

I'm afraid that if I do that,
she'll spend the whole weekend

hiding out
in the handicapped stall

of the girls' room.

We need to find someone
to hook Tessa up with

so she doesn't feel like
a third wheel.

Would you like
to sleep over tonight?

I-I don't think
my mom would allow that.

Of course not.

I just don't want him
to lose interest.

I won't.

What about Evan?

We already know
that he likes Tessa

and he won't have
any conflicting plans

because he's friendless.

- It's a win-win.
- Okay, you lovebirds.

Time for school.

Hip-hop or you're going
to be late.

[chuckles]

[laughs]

You two have a great day.

Ham and cheese, brother,
if you keep dating Lisa

plenty more
where that came from.

[instrumental music]

Why is she coming
bed shopping with us?

Why am I coming
bed shopping with you?

Because I want your opinion.

Well, I want Dallas
to think we want her opinion.

I'm worried about her.

She seemed a little manic
the last time I talked to her.

- Hi, y'all!
- Hey!

I hope I'm dressed okay.

Since, I didn't know
what we were doing

I brought a raincoat,
a walking coat, a car coat

and a cape,
in case we see opera.

- We probably won't see opera.
- Yeah, probably no opera.

'We're going shopping
for a bed.'

(Dallas)
'Oh! Super fun.'

Hey, can your car find us..

'a European mattress store?'

'Prius!'

Mattress store!

Oh, yeah, Yeah, what about
that place on post road?

(Noah)
'Let's do it.'

Evan.

Look, if you're here to pants me
don't waste your time.

I'm wearing a belt made
of staples that go into my skin.

I'm not here to pants you.

I'm here to talk to you
about Tessa.

- What about Tessa?
- Look, I know you like her.

And I want to help you
so that she likes you back.

Are you the great Houdini?

Because if not, Malik, I
seriously doubt that she would--

Look, Evan, I'm black.

And black people know a lot
about romance.

Is that true?

- Al green, Al B. Sure!
- Huh?

Jodeci, Oran "Juice" Jones,
Teddy Riley

Teddy Pendergrass,
Marvin Gaye?

- Yeah, but wasn't he--
- No, Evan.

He wasn't.

Okay. Maybe black people
are smoove.

So what do I have
to do to make Tessa like me?

A lot of things, Evan,
and none of those things include

wearing a belt made of staples
that go into your skin.

It's like she expects people
to feel sorry for her

but, like, I don't feel
sorry for her.

What do you feel?

Angerment, bitterness, resent.

You blame her for the divorce.

I do.

I totally do.

You know, until you put
those words into my mouth

I didn't even realize
I felt them.

Dalia, I think it's important
that you confront her

with these feelings.

Now if it's okay with you

I'd like to bring her in.

[door creaks]

[barks and growls]

You have a lot of nerve
showing your face here!

Yakult!

This session is not
about you. It's about Dalia.

Now you sit..

And you listen.

[whines]

[indistinct chattering]

I don't want
to see no panties tonight.

- What?
- What?

Take off
that brassiere, my dear.

Evan, did you just tell me
to take off my brassiere?

What? No!

Wait. Did you want me
to tell you to do that?

Wait! But, girl, I be tryin'
to get witchu!

Evan, gross.
You just spit in my ear.

Really, you guys? You're trying
to unload me on Evan?

Tessa, we just didn't want you
to feel like a third wheel--

- I didn't!
- Uh, no.

But the other day
at the yogurt shop--

You were being gross.

And we're gonna continue
to be gross, really gross.

We just don't want this
to affect our friendship.

This affects
our friendship, okay?

If I wanted a man,
I could have one.

I could have more than one.

Hey, I'm open to that,
you little freak.

I don't need you trying

to pawn me off on some perv.

That's the furthest I ever went
with a girl, you guys.

[grunting]

Oh, yeah! Mm-hmm.

That seems...good.

It's also comfortable
for sleeping.

Yeah, I'm not going
to be doing a whole lot

of sleeping on this baby.
Am I right?

It's the Rolls-Royce
of mattresses, sir.

'Uh, the.. It's the last one
we have in stock.'

Hand-tailored
Icelandic eiderdown

cashmere-encased coils

hypoallergenic
horsehair batting.

The boning, of course,
is unbleached pine.

"The boning."

'I like the sound of that.'

You seem very comfortable
in it, sir.

And-And I can assure you

there is not
a finer mattress to be had.

- I'll take it.
- Excellent.

- Alright.
- Alright.

(Noah)
'Oh!'

I know what you're thinking,
and I totally agree.

It is obscene to spend

that amount of money
on a mattress.

"The honeymoon
never has to end

with the eternal honeymoon
sleep system."

Dallas, are you okay?

[voice breaking]
Maybe Steven and I just
had the wrong mattress.

Oh, honey. No.

- It wasn't that.
- Ohh.

[sobbing]

Hi. Should I put
down a waterproof pad?

Because I am just about
to run your friend's card.

I really don't think
that's necessary.

[Dallas wailing]

Okay. You know what?
Get the pad.

[instrumental music]

(Tessa)
End of a long school week,
and you know what?

I was glad to have the night
to myself.

I was no third wheel.
I was a unicycle.

You are a unicycle.

You're a unicycle.

I'd start
with a light dinner

watch a thought-provoking
documentary..

Move...that..

'...Bus!'

Oh, my God!

[Sobs]

(Tessa)
Reconnect
with some old friends.

Cool and cute.

And help myself
to a little bedtime snack.

[knock on door]

Ryan?

What are you doing
out there, watching me?

- Yes.
- Why?

Tessa, look at you.

You fell off.

You're wearing pajamas
that are covered in food.

These are fresh out
of the wash.

Look at all that butter.

Who would eat that much
butter?

I can't..

...answer that question.

When I overheard my sister
and Malik talking

about trying to fix you up
with someone, I thought

Tessa Altman made out
with Ryan Shay.

She could have anyone

but after watching you
from the bushes tonight

I'm not so sure.

Ryan, wait.

'I'm just..'

Not myself right now.

And, yes, maybe I am leaning

on butter a little more
than I normally would, but..

...I'm a recovering tricycle

trying to get by on one wheel.

Been there.

So you wanna get
something to eat?

Your pajamas
are making me hungry.

So we close soon.

George, get her off my bed.
She's funkin' it up.

- What do you want me to do?
- Fix it!

You're the one
who brought her with us.

Oh, look. It's Dalia.

Dallas, it's
your daughter Dalia.

No? Hello? Hey, Dalia.

'Okay. Okay. You're..
You're ready to be picked up?'

Okay, great,
we're just running

a few minutes late,
so sit tight.

Dallas, Dalia's ready to be
picked up.

- Are you gonna go get her?
- I have a dinner engagement.

Okay. Noah, take my car keys.

Go pick up Dalia
from her shrink.

Kill some time
before you bring her home.

I will figure out a way to
get Dallas out of this bed.

That's a promise, okay?

If Jill smells sorrow
on this mattress..

We have a no-return policy.

Then you're buying it
off of me.

Lock up when you leave,
If anything goes missing

it's going
on your friend's card.

Uh, okay. Thank you
for your understanding.

Hey, okay, big sale today,
though, right?

Right.

[door closes]

Why didn't mommy come
get me herself?

Mommy..

Mommy is having a hard time
right now.

She's going
through some things.

Oh, please.
What's her problem?

She didn't want to live
with daddy any more

but I did.

I guess that's true,
isn't it?

[barks]

Here, Yakult. You can have
half of my spring roll.

Oh, my God.
Did you see that, Uncle Noah?

She almost bit me,
she almost bit me

because I said something bad
about mommy.

The two of them are
total cohorts, if that's a word.

'Oh, and now look.'

She's eating
the whole spring roll

when I only said
she could have half.

Here. You can have mine.

This is why I wanted my own pet.

This is why I asked mommy
to please get me

"The Hangover" monkey like
from that movie "The Hangover."

I mean, she has Yakult
on her side and I have no one.

I'm all alone.

Hey, have you seen
that movie "Kangaroo Jack"?

[Sniffles]

No. Is it good?

I laid around a lot.

I watched a lot
of "People's court"

a court in which justice
was almost never served

but then I realized
when you're a single parent

being depressed is a luxury
you just can't afford.

You have to get up
and take care of your kid

'cause no one else is going
to do it for you.

I have Carmen.

Yes, you have Carmen
to cook and to clean

and to drive Dalia
the places she needs to go.

But Carmen
can't inspire Dalia.

She can't teach her
what it means

to get up when you feel down.

Carmen isn't Dalia's mother.

You are.

And that right there
is reason enough

to climb off this outrageously
comfortable mattress

this mattress
that is clearly from heaven.

[inhales deeply and sighs]

[voice breaking]
George, am I okay?

Of course, you're okay.

- I've never been--
- Depressed.

[chuckles]

It's standard issue.

Comes free with the divorce.

I don't even know
what a depressed person

dresses like.

[chuckles]

Separates?

I'm probably gonna need
a whole new depression wardrobe.

[gasps]

I'll probably need
a whole new wardrobe.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And I just
can't get enough ♪

Damn, girl.

Where did you learn how
to eat fondue?

♪ Yeah ♪♪

Uh, let's just go
somewhere else.

Why, I thought you said
you wanted a bowl

of wet, hot cheese?

- I don't remember saying--
- Okay, it was me.

I want a bowl of wet, hot cheese
and this place has it.

Plus wait till you see
how long their forks are.

- Okay.
- Yeah!

Well, let's just get in there
before they see us.

Are you sure you're okay
with this?

'Cause I know
they don't serve any

of the food that was listed
on your pajamas.

Yeah. Yeah!

I don't only eat...food
that's on my pajamas.

Okay. Whew.

'Cause I feel like I may have
oversold the forks a little.

No, they're big.

[laughs]

- Oh, my God, Malik.
- Aah!

Damn, girl! Where did you learn
how to feed someone fondue?

Do you see this?
My heart is breaking.

- Tessa's bottomed out.
- I'm bleeding.

You stabbed me in the gums.

Tessa, wait. Don't run.

I'm not running.
I'm seated.

I can't even imagine
how lost you must feel

to resort to Ryan, I..

Lisa, I'm fine.
You have to stop pitying me.

For a minute there,
you had me pitying myself.

It's true.
I caught her eating butter.

Now that I think about it,
it's kinda messed up

that I brought you out
for cheese.

You're gonna have
wicked gas tonight.

Probably.

Listen, Lisa, you don't have
to feel guilty

about doing things
without me.

I'm a big girl, okay,
so go finish your fondue

and we'll talk tomorrow.

Okay. Well, you heard that.

She's fine,
so you can head on home.

Actually..

...we're kind
of having a nice time.

- Really?
- Really?

Yeah.

I didn't even own
one pair of shoes

when I walked barefoot
into this country.

- Ew.
- Within a year..

...I taught myself
to speak English--

Carmen, honey,
put a pin in it.

Dalia's mama's here
to inspire her.

To speak English by listening
to NPR's All Things Considered.

Dalia, I know
you're mad at me.

I'm mad at me, too,
and I'm mad at Steven.

- And I'm mad at Carmen.
- You're mad at me?

It isn't always rational.

Now I know it's hard
for you to understand

the choices I've made,
but I'm trying to show you

that if you're unhappy in life

it's your responsibility
to fix it.

No one else is gonna
fix it for you.

I know, and that's why
I made Uncle Noah buy me

a "Kangaroo Jack."

Dalia, I'm pretty sure
I was clear

about no movie pets.

That said,
he is a cute Carmel color.

'That I was not expecting.'

And he makes me
really happy, mommy.

He does, and I can keep
my cell phone in his pocket.

Then, Carmen, we have
a new member of the family.

Thank you so much, mommy.

He is way cooler
than "The Hangover" monkey.

[glass shatters]

(Carmen)
'Aah!'

So...this was fun.

Thank you, for getting me
out of the house tonight.

My mom says when you want
to thank someone

you should send a thank-you card

but...I don't want
a thank-you card.

I want you to let me touch
your boob instead.

My boob?

Either boob

just so I can say
I did, mostly.

You have three seconds.

Go for it.

♪ If you've ever wandered
lonely through the woods ♪

♪ Ah ah oh oh ah oh ♪

[clears throat]

So, what's your address?

♪ Ah-ah-ah-oh-oh ♪

You don't have
to send a thank-you card.

Bye.

♪ If you'd ever been
out walking ♪

♪ You would know ♪♪

[door closes]