All language subtitles for suburgatory.s01e16.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
Winter, spring, summer, fall

I was familiar
with all four seasons.

So you can imagine
how surprised

I was to learn that Chatswin
had one more season.

Croquet.

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ Let's go let's go ♪♪

Technique was important

but so was chemistry
between partners.

Hey, y'all.
This is Sven from Iceland.

He's uncircumcised.

Ow.

Having the wrong partner could
really throw off the game.

[Dallas laughs]

Ow.

[gasps]

Do they have croquet
in Mexico?

Oh, I'm from Guatemala.

Croquet season coincided
with mating season

and Dallas seemed to be
enjoying her newly single life

even if it was raising
a few eyebrows.

- That's a woman.
- I can see that, Fred.

[Dallas giggles]

Meanwhile, a new woman had
just entered my life as well.

♪ Semester is out ♪

♪ Uh-huh uh-huh ♪

♪ The teacher is in ♪

♪ Uh-huh uh-huh.. ♪

Cool.

♪ You better bet you're gonna
learn something ♪

♪ Uh-huh uh-huh ♪

♪ Oh uh-huh uh-huh ♪

♪ Oh uh-huh uh-huh ♪♪

Okay. What do you think
about this one?

I think it's weird
that you've tried on

three outfits
for a poetry class.

That's because
you don't get it, George.

Ms. Evans is supercool.

I have to look cool or
she won't realize how cool I am.

You know, in my day,
the early '90s

coolness was about
not trying to look cool.

- Nirvana taught us that.
- Don't be stupid, George.

Ms. Evans
is from San Francisco.

She has a shoulder tattoo

and she once made out
with Casey Affleck.

I'm gonna go try on
some chunky glasses.

[doorbell rings]

Sorry to bother you, George,
but it's an emergency.

- It's about Dallas.
- There's been an accident.

- Oh, my God. Is she okay?
- No, she's not.

Quite frankly,
she's a hot mess.

She's been parading
a bunch of traveling men

around the croquet field.

Okay, that doesn't sound
like an accident.

- It's a social accident.
- People are talking.

To be fair, it's mostly us.

And that's usually
how it starts.

She's been acting
like a real tramp.

And that's gonna drive down
property values.

- I don't see how it could.
- Tramp town?

- I don't want to live there.
- I might plan a day trip.

George, Dallas needs help
and stability

and a croquet partner
who doesn't look like he has--

Crabs.

Okay, look,
I don't know if Dallas

would want me
to be her partner.

The last time I tried
to give her personal advice

we got into a fight.

She's a little sensitive
post-divorce.

Well, no better way
to mend hurt feelings

than with a mallet
and some balls.

Amen.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da
da da da da ♪♪

Sheila!

We closed early for inventory.

You home?

Hello?
Anybody home?

[chuckles]

Alright. Hank moody.

Whose Booty
shall we plunder today?

Damn it!
Oh!

[instrumental music]

Ohh.
Where is that stupid password?

'Oh, really?'

[sighs]

(Sheila)
I had the dream again
last night.

I had just finished
scolding Lisa.

When the doorbell rang,
and George was there.

He complimented
my parenting skills

and noticed how tidy
the house was.

I went to fix him a cup of tea
and when I returned

he was completely nude
and covered in oil

Not the dirty, black oil

but the sexy, clear kind.

He stood there glistening

and then he opened my mouth

and kissed me
like a Frenchman.

Aah!

(Tessa)
The arrival of Ms. Evans
made me realize

what I'd really been missing
in Chatswin.

A role model, someone cool
whose style and taste

I could actually look up to.

You all did a great job on
your first in-class assignment

but I want to single out
a special student in our midst.

'In fact, I don't even know
if we can really'

'call this person a student'

for I believe
she's here to teach us.

It wasn't like me to showboat

but it also wasn't like me
to question the judgment

of someone
as cool as Ms. Evans.

Dalia Royce,
will you do us the honor

of reading your poem,
"Aids Frowny Face"

for the class?

Dalia Royce?
Is that bitch high?

[bell rings]

Ms. Evans.

Are you high?

Never mind.

I'm super excited
for this class

and I...really love poetry.

Thanks, Tessa.
That's a great attitude.

Poetry loves you, too.

[gasps]
Good.

I was hoping it did.

Look, I just wanted
to let you know

unlike everyone else
in this town, I get it.

Chatswin is super weird
and kinda shallow

and if you ever need
someone to stand apart

and observe
the shallow weirdness

with an acerbic wit,
I'm your girl.

I'll keep that in mind.

A 72?

A lot of people think
you can't assign a number grade

to something as subjective
as a poem, but you can.

- Huh.
- Don't be so hard on yourself.

We can't all be Dalia Royce
right out of the gate.

You know, I have been
teaching poetry

for two and a quarter years now

and I have never seen anyone
quite like her before.

Yeah, she's unique.

She's able to make small

revelations seem complex.

Her voice has
a sort of detached opacity.

Oh, is that what it has?

Some of that acerbic wit
you were referring to?

Not bad, Tessa. Not bad.
I'd give it a 74.

I know what you're thinking,
and, yes

you can also grade wit.

- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.

[indistinct chattering]

I heard this group
was looking for a fourth.

Really, Sheila?
George Altman?

That's who you wanted
to set me up with?

Yes, for croquet.
Lookin' good, George.

Really? I'd say he's looking
a little fat in the face.

Fred, nice to see you.

So, George, are you here
to tell me how to live

my newly single life,
oppress me, finesse me

redress me, wrap me
head to toe in a sherpa?

I-I think you mean a burka.

I refuse to be corrected
by the likes of you.

I may have used the wrong word,
but that's my right.

I'm a full-grown woman,
George Altman. Full-grown.

Dallas, relax. No one thinks
you're...still growing.

- Good.
- Look, I come in peace.

I just thought
it might be nice to be

on the same team for a change.

Well, we'll just see
about that, George.

I'd like to reserve judgment

until I see
how you handle your mallet.

Oh, this?
I got this.

Boom!

What was that?
Was that your swing?

[laughing]
That's not how it's done,
George.

It's through the legs.
Let me show you.

- I'll show him.
- Stand down, Fred.

First of all, you gotta get
a good grip on that shaft, okay?

Tight, but don't
choke it, alright?

Nice. Good.
Slow thrust here. Thrust.

- Mm-hmm.
- With a lot of follow-through.

- Mm-hmm.
- Alright.

Gonna use your body to drive it.

Drive it. Drive it.

Drive it, George.
Drive it.

Good. Drive it. Drive it
in a straight line.

Drive it! Alright.
Drive it, George!

- Whoo!
- Beautiful!

That was beautiful!

It really was.
Go, George!

[Billy Squier's singing
"Everybody Wants You"]

Right through that hole.

♪ You see 'em comin' at you.. ♪

Whoo! Uhh!

♪ Strung on pretension ♪

♪ They fall for you
at first sight ♪

Ow! Ah!

'Timber! Ha ha ha ha!'

♪ Say goodbye
to conventional ways ♪

♪ You can't escape the hours ♪

♪ You lose track of the days ♪

♪ The more you understand.. ♪

(George)
'Right through, ladies!'

♪ You never get away ♪

♪ Everybody wants you ♪

[George laughing]

♪ Whoo ♪♪

- Enough.
- What?

You've made your point.
You're a croquet God.

Now stick it back in your pants
and show a little dignity.

Whoa. Fred,
what's wrong with you?

You are frothing my wife
up into a frothy frenzy

and I would appreciate
a little decorum.

Uh, okay. I didn't
mean to froth anyone.

Well, you just remember this,
George Altman.

Sheila's last name
is the same as mine

so no matter how much
she may fantasize

about your tumescent addendum

I'm the man she married.
Got it?

I-I don't know what that means.

What is that on your face?
Is that dirt?

[scoffs]
I have no idea
what you're talking about.

[indistinct chattering]

What do you think
they're talking about?

Who?

Ms. Evans is probably
telling Dalia

about some cool, new band
whose bass player

she used to date,
a band Dalia would never

in a million years be into,
but I would have loved.

Well, I'm not
a professional lip-reader

but I think Dalia just said
something about brownies?

Or bran eyes?
Brown thighs.

I hope Dalia enjoys
the attention while it lasts

because that's gonna be me soon.

Once Ms. Evans reads the poem
I just finished..

[exhales]
...things are gonna go

a little differently
around here.

You're gonna have
a tough time competing

with the one
I wrote about Ryan.

Well, I'm not messing
around anymore.

- I decided to go there.
- Are you..

Playing the mom left
when I was young card?

Yeah. Yes, I am.

Desperate times call
for desperate measures.

Oh. Seems pretty desperate.

That's the first time
I've beaten the Shays ever.

- Felt good. Felt real good.
- Thank you.

Did you notice anything
strange about Sheila today?

You mean the shoes?

I wasn't gonna go there,
but it looked like

she stole 'em off
a court Jester.

There! Somebody said it.

I wasn't talking
about her shoes.

Did you notice her
throwing me any vibes?

Vibes? What kind of vibes?

Sexual vibes.

I think
you're stone-cold trippin'.

If I recall, just recently,
you accused me

of being into you as well.

After you kissed me,
not to harp

but this,
this is different.

[chuckles]
Sounds like someone's decided

they're the white
Wesley Snipes of Chatswin.

The whole female population's
in some sort of hormonal tizzy

since you rolled into town.
Is that it, George?

I'm not wearing
any underwear.

"Bugatti Veyron.
Lamborghini Murcielago.

"Pagani Zonda. Ferrari Enzo.

Think about it. You guys.
Cars."

Boom.

Wow.
Powerful.

Wow. I just got it.

Welcome, Lisa.
To getting it.

Okay. Whew.

[chuckles]
Who'd like to go next?

Although I can't imagine
trying to follow that act.

[sighs]

"Mother.

"Girl turns three
on a store-bought cake.

"Extinguished the candles
but not the hate.

"No kiss goodnight.

"No lipstick red.

"No cool hand
touching her feverish.

Head."

Okeydokey.

[bell rings]

Tessa, can I see you
for a moment?

Finally. Some recognition.

Okay.

Can I ask you
something personal?

Oh, God, yes! Ask me anything.
Let's connect.

Was there any truth
behind your poem today?

A lot of truth.
So much truth, truly.

Huh. Strange.

I found myself not caring.

- Not..
- Caring at all.

And it pained me to see you
grasping at straws creatively.

Dalia, would you consider

working with Tessa
on her poetry?

Ugh. Do I have to?

No, certainly not.
Totally up to you.

I really don't like Tessa.

Wow. You don't pull any punches,
do you? That's brave.

It's just
I really can't stand Tessa.

(Evans)
'So honest.'

Look, I can throw in
a little extra credit for you.

Okay. Fine.

I guess I'll do it,
since it's for extra credit.

You are both shrewd
and wise Dalia Royce.

I know.

- Good news, she's willing--
- Yeah.

I heard.

I don't have
an original idea in my head.

Poetry class not going well?

Teacher didn't give you an A
for those chunky glasses?

- She's not into me.
- 'Oh, come on.'

Believe me, no one's
more surprised than I am.

Ms. Evans is inexplicably
enamored with Dalia.

Dalia Royce.

- I don't get it.
- Yikes.

Yeah. It stings.
It stings a lot.

Dalia is the most vapid,
shallow

black hole of a human being
I've ever met.

Oh, o-okay.
Don't take it out on Dalia.

H-have you ever considered
that maybe it's not so easy

being the object of affection?

No.

I'm just saying,
sometimes it hard

to be aggressively adored

by someone whose attention
you don't really want.

Maybe, just maybe,
Dalia is the real victim here.

Really? This is where
you want to take

the conversation, George?

Sympathy for Dalia?

You are a horrible dad.

Now that's the kind of negative
attention I'm used to.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

What are you dreaming about,
Sheila?

Are you dreaming about
gorgeous George Altman?

Is he the hot delivery boy
tonight

coming to your door
with a pile of fresh meat?

No. No, no, no.
Stop dreaming about him.

Dream about Fred

comfortable, steadfast Fred

always-there-for-you Fred

Fred of the killer foot massage.

Oh. I can't take it.

I can't take it.

What? What is it?
Is it a night prowler?

No.

[sighs]
Sheila, we need to talk.
I-I read your diary.

What? Fred, that's
a violation of my privacy.

I know. I'm sorry.

Believe me,
I wish I hadn't seen it

because now I know
how you feel about George

and I can't get it out
of my head.

[sighs]

Well.

- Maybe it's for the best.
- What?

Having it out in the open,
I mean.

It's a schoolgirl fantasy.

But you're not a schoolgirl.

[sighs]

I'm glad you know.

I love you, Fred

and that is unchanged
by the fact

that I lust endlessly
over George.

Oh.

[sighs]

Grow, you bastard. Grow.

[inhales deeply]

Whether or not
Dalia was actually

good at poetry didn't matter.

Ms. Evans thought she was,
and I had to find out why.

How?

It's easy.

I just empty my head,
and words pop in it.

Could you walk me through
that process step-by-step?

You know, you suck
right now, even for you.

Just tell me
how to write good poetry

that Ms. Evans will like!

Just stop trying so hard!

You know,
you're totally fanning out

over some gross teacher
with greasy hair.

- Ms. Evans is awesome.
- How would you know?

All you know is
that she doesn't like you.

- She's your Scott Strauss.
- What?

Remember when he was dating
that really ugly girl..

That was me.

And the more he didn't jock me

the more I jocked him?

That's you,
except with a sad

middle-aged,
weirdo poetry teacher with BO.

Did I just receive a lesson
in human nature

from the least human person
I know?

Yeah, you think
about that, beeyotch

because I see it sinking in.

[doorbell rings]

I want you to make love
to my wife.

Fred, diggin' the goatee.

(George)
'Come on in.'

I can't. I-I care about you
as a friend, but I can't.

- I won't.
- Okay, look, George, Noah.

I've put a lot of thought
into this. A lot.

I love my wife.

She means the world to me

but she has needs
that I'm not fulfilling

and I want them to be fulfilled.

- Fred, please..
- Hear the man out.

I-I have pride, sure

but I can crumple that pride up
into a little ball and eat it.

For Sheila, I can eat it,
and I will.

Fred, Sheila loves you.

If there is
some fleeting infatuation

that she has going on with me,
it's just that fleeting.

Are you saying no? I mean,
you won't satisfy my wife?

What, is she not good enough
for you, Mr. Altman?

'Cause let me
tell you something.

She will do things to you.

Things you can't even imagine,
things that aren't even legal.

I believe it.

Okay, Fred,
go home to your wife.

Go work this thing out,
the two of you.

Well, this isn't very neighborly
of you, George.

It's not very neighborly
at all

so let's just see what happens
the next time

you want to borrow my rake,
shall we?

I have a rake.

I'm gonna try to transfer out.

After failing gym, I can't
really afford a C in poetry.

Wow. So you're off
Ms. Evans, huh?

It's weird, I don't know
what made me so desperate

for the approval
of a withholding older woman

who clearly wanted
nothing to do with me.

Yeah.

Yeah, no. Me either.

Yeah.

It's a puzzler.

Yeah. No, it is.
It's curious.

Mm-hmm.

[door opens]

Fred, where have you been?
I have been worried sick.

Sheila, I need to speak
to you privately.

I failed you. George wouldn't
agree to make love to you.

I asked him, but he denied me.
Hey, Tessa. Hello, Lisa.

What in God's name
are you talking about?

George Altman,
your fantasy.

I'm only sorry I couldn't
make him your reality.

He won't have intercourse
with you

'won't even consider it.'

Fred, I am not attracted
to George Altman.

I couldn't be less attracted
to George Altman.

He's...unkempt!

The George from my diary
is George Stephanopoulos.

The little Greek man
from "Good Morning America?"

I like a tidy, petite man.
You know that.

You couldn't
have used a last name?

I don't know
how to spell his name.

It's not my fault.
It's a ridiculous last name!

Oh, Sheila Shay-Shay.

[both laughs]

[door closes]

Where's George?
I've got news.

He's about to
do something drastic.

I tried to talk him out of it

but he wouldn't listen to me.

Just do it.

Wait! Stop.

Tessa, I love it, too,
but it's gotta go

for everyone's good.

I think it's just too sexy.

Dad, Sheila's
not obsessed with you.

She's obsessed with the George
from "Good Morning America"

'so you may not be the Casanova
of Chatswin after all.'

Oh.

Hi. What's-what's this?

It's a ball carrier
for you to carry your balls.

- "George-ass"?
- Oh, it's pronounced Georgas.

It's a combination
of both our names

like Bennifer, Brangelina,
or Ceelo.

I-I think he's just one guy.

He couldn't possibly be.

Well, it's time
to make it official, George

since we're gonna be
partners and all.

So are we?