All language subtitles for suburgatory.s01e13.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

[Beth Thornley singing
"You're So Pony"]

♪ Let's say I want it let's
say I want what's over there ♪

(Tessa)
The look of envy.

It was a look Dalia was
well-accustomed to receiving.

Me...not so much.

- Pick you up after school?
- Okay.

Until now.
- Nose kiss?

[school bell ringing]

Scott Strauss had chosen me
over Dalia, and it was big.

- Bye.
- Bye.

No. It was huge.

It's like New York
all over again.

[sighs]
The problem didn't go away.
It just got bigger, ha.

That was
a reference to Scott's--

Correct.

Your daughter has
a voracious sexual appetite.

She's got a hunger for the flesh
that can't be satiated.

You have a daughter.
How can you joke like this?

[chuckles]
Because she's not
sexually active.

She's an academic.

- Like her mother.
- I know it's not my choice.

I just don't want Tessa to treat
sex as a recreational hobby.

Well, have you told her that?

I...tried to.

[crunching]

What am I supposed to do now?

I can't keep relocating her

every time
I find condoms, can I?

I mean, I could.
We have the miles.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da
da-da-da-da ♪♪

you guys.

I just had
mani-pedi.

Oh! Uh, "Moon Over Miami"
vice-versa my favorite song?

- How did you know?
- I know.

Uh! It was orgasmic.

That is the problem
with Chatswin.

Everything out here
has to be sexualized.

George is angry about
his daughter's libido.

[gasps]
Oh, Dalia got horny early

so we had the
sex talk years ago.

- I wouldn't wait, George.
- To have the sex talk?

Yeah, I think Tessa knows
where babies come from.

I'm not talking
about that sex talk.

I'm talking about
the one where you explain

all the different kinds of sex.

- Different kinds?
- Breakup, makeup.

Girl-on-girl,
group-on-guy--

Hate sex, date sex, pity sex,
party sex, pity-party sex.

Bi-curious, by the ocean--

- By the hour.
- The reverse Andre the giant.

No. Tessa is not
doing any of that.

Well, she's going to,
if she hasn't already, George.

- And you can't stop her.
- I sure can. It's simple.

If I want to keep Tessa away
from boys all I have to do

is find something more fun
than having sex.

Jenga! Ha ha.

♪ You take a block from the
bottom and you put it on top ♪

♪ You take a block from the
middle and you put it on top ♪

Well, we've got other games.

'You guys ready for
a good old-fashioned'

game night, or what?

I cut my teeth on
chutes and ladders

or "snakes and ladders,"
as it's called on the streets

but, uh, I'm up for anything.

I was under the impression
that Tessa would be here.

Yeah, we're
gonna surprise her.

"Hungry hungry hippos.

Life, Yahtzee, Connect four."

Oh, what about Monopoly?

You're a purist.

Respect, but
I gotta be the boot.

- Surprise!
- Whoa! Oh.

Uh, surprise.

You're hanging out with my
friends when I'm not home?

Yep.

For the record,
I said this was weird.

Oh, dad, this is Scott Strauss.

Oh, hello, Scott.
You...you play Yahtzee?

You said we're playing Monopoly.
I just set up the bank.

Actually, Scott and I
have dinner plans, so..

Oh! Okay, "dinner plans."
"Scott and I."

"Actually."
Ha, how grown-up.

Scott, can you wait outside? I
think my dad's having a stroke.

Sure thing.
Nice meeting you, Mr. Altman.

- Yes, nice meeting you too.
- Hey.

- Ahem.
- Get it.

- What was that?
- What was what?

What did you
just tell him to get?

- Dad, what is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I'm behaving
very normally. It's Friday.

I'm going on an age-appropriate
date with a cute boy.

You're a grown man, home
playing Pictionary with minors.

[instrumental music]

The yogurt may have
been flowing that night

but the conversation
between me and Scott

was as stale as that
crushed cookie topping.

All the kid ever talked
about was how he volunteered

for a year in Zambia.

I wish I could have
taken you for Bambara.

It's this dish I used to eat
when I was living in--

Let me guess it, Zambia?

- Yeah.
- Ohh.

Too bad we can't have it,
'cause we're not in Zambia.

- We're in...Chatswin.
- I know that.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

In Zambia, in the summertime,
it gets surprisingly cold.

Did you ever see
this internet video

of this kid coming home
from the dentist

after he has had
too much anesthesia?

- No.
- It's funny.

funny stuff.

[laughing]

- You?
- Yeah.

It's just hard
to laugh, you know

when you know that
people are starving..

...in Zambia.

- Are you gonna finish that?
- I will now. Yeah.

I'm thinking about
going back next summer.

You should.
You should go.

Is everything okay, Tessa?

No. Everything was not okay.

I was sick of hearing
about Scott's one adventure

and I probably would have
dumped him at that very moment

had it not been for the war
I was waging against Dalia.

Kiss me, Scott.

Kiss me like I'm Africa.

[instrumental music]

Mmm.

Mmm! Mm.

Mmm. Mm.

Buy a hotel.

Oh, we will.

We will.

Just got another hotel.
Malik's still in jail.

- Sorry, Malik.
- You don't seem sorry.

- Can I top you guys off?
- Yes, please.

- I never get soda at home.
- She's had enough.

[George laughing]

Aw, I was
rooting for you too.

Wow. 8:45.

I was sure Tessa and Scott
would be home by now.

What do you think
they might be doing?

I mean, I mean...you know.

What do you guys
generally do

with your dates?

Well, theoretically, I would
take my lover up to Mt. Julian

and then share a soft
cheese from Wisconsin.

They're just as good as the ones
from France but more affordable.

Then we would sit up there
till the sun came up

and talk about
our hopes and dreams

and "dancing with the stars."

I'd probably like to go
somewhere dark.

- So we could make out.
- Make out! Yeah.

Sure. I'm down with that?
That's, yeah. Get it.

So what about intercourse?

Can I call my mom
to come get me?

I mean, typically, what age
do kids...partake now a days?

That's okay, Malik.
I'll answer this one.

Mr. Altman...the right age

depends on the individual.

And each individual can
determine what that proper age

is by consulting the online
virginity calculator.

[chuckles]
It's not a real thing.

You enter your height, weight,
hair length, and zip code.

It'll tell you
when you're ready.

Eighteen.

Sixteen.

But I can wait.

[instrumental music]

Ahem.

Come on, 21.

Let's go, 21.

'Here we go, 21.'

'Sixteen?'

She's 16 right now.

[music continues]

What if I made her
get a haircut?

Thank you so much for
making a house call

to pick up our dry cleaning.

Ah, the club makes
everything so convenient.

Did you know we have a pediatric
urologist starting next week?

I did not!

- Super-duper.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, don't forget
to check the pockets.

Oh, let's see if we can't find

some extra tip money for you.

Oh, dear.

Are you kidding me, Javier?

Are you kidding me right now?

- I-I don't know what--
- Look at this thing!

It's an M/L, an M/L.

Do you have any idea how many
hours I spend at the gym

keeping it tight so he can
get down with an M/L?

- Huh!
- That is it!

That is the last straw!

I-i-it'll all be
ready by Tuesday.

And give me back
them giant panties!

- Morning, dad.
- Oh, hey.

I'm gonna head over to
Lisa's in a minute.

Yeah?

She invited me to
sleep over tonight.

I feel like I haven't
seen you much.

I know, but I feel like
Lisa's feeling neglected

'cause I've been spending
so much time with Scott.

So is it cool?

Yeah. It's cool.

It's very cool.

But...before you go

I...thought you'd
probably want these.

I don't think
Lisa and I need those.

I'm returning them to you.
They're yours.

- No, they're not.
- Found 'em in your room.

So you were going
through my room?

No, no, I was in there
to turn off the music

and then I saw 'em in a box.

Which I opened.

So, here we are.

- Back to square one.
- I could say the same thing.

George, those were
given to me.

Safe sex fairy?

Why do I even bother?
You know what?

Think what you wanna think.

Trust me when I tell you
you will regret it

if you have casual sex.
It's not a casual thing.

It's something you share
with the right person.

Is he the right person?

Goodbye George,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Talk to me.

Yeah, well, that's something
you earn, not demand.

- 'Tessa!'
- You treat me like a child!

I do not treat you
like a child!

You forgot your squishy.

[sighs]
Thanks again for coming
in on a Saturday, Aaron.

Oh, please, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Don't be stupid.

I'd do anything
for you, Dallas.

I mean, you're a client,
but you're also a friend.

- Oh.
- And also..

I was coming in anyway.

Steven freaks out over nothin'.

He freaks out if I wear
my shoes in the house.

But I'm supposed to turn
the other cheek on these?

These panties are
a slap in the face, Aaron.

Look, look,
Steven is not a saint.

We've been down
this road before.

But he's an excellent provider.

So you have to ask yourself
this question.

Is this a really big problem..

or a
you-can-live-with-it problem?

Is it huge,
or just M/L?

Of course, once you
serve him the papers

the papers can't be unserved.

[instrumental music]

Okay.

But I'd like to submit
these into evidence.

He's just become so controlling.

- Scott?
- George.

And that-that's gotten
to the point

where I can't even stand
the sound of his voice.

- George?
- Scott!

Tessa, why don't you
just tell your dad

nothing happened
between you and Scott?

'Then he'll get off your case.'

No. Too kind.

I want George to sweat it out.

Maybe I'll even fake a
pregnancy like Kenzie did.

Ha! Payback for going
through my room again.

Okay. Sleep on that.

Goodnight, Tessa.

Goodnight.

(Lisa)
'I think Malik made a pass
at me during game night.'

[instrumental music]

Well, the bacon certainly
looks crisp this morning.

Mmm. It is.
It's crisp. Ha ha.

Keep us posted, Fred.

I heard about you
and Scott Strauss.

- I just wanna say I approve.
- Mm, shut up, Ryan.

- He has great hair.
- Dad.

It doesn't hurt me
to see you with him.

I'm gonna go get
some grapefruit.

- Anyone want anything?
- I want you back.

Uh-huh. I will go get
some muffins for the table.

[music continues]

It's a lot of muffins.

Well, I worked up
a pretty big appetite

after all the sex
I've been having.

Yeah, yeah. Ha. Funny.

Who knows?
Maybe I'm eating for two.

I'm thinking it Xavier
if it's a boy, or a girl.

Hey, you-you're just being
silly now. Come on, Tessa.

I wasn't going
through your room.

And yet you were going
through my room.

Good morning, guys.

Steven's sleeping
with a heifer.

[sighs]
I'm gonna go hit the gym.

I'll come with.

I can't get through to her. She
treats me like I'm out of touch.

I'm the cool dad.

What? I'm not the cool dad?

George.

Think about how you were
back in the day.

You had sex with a lot
of the ladies, alright?

You were the champion.
You were undefeated.

How many women did you
bring down to the mat?

You're being inappropriate.

See, the old George
would have high-fived me

right there and then
had sex with her.

Just because you're
a dad doesn't mean

you can't be a dude.

Be a single dude.
Don't be a single dad.

Ha, if not for you,
then for me

and the rest
of the married guys

who can only have sex
with our wives...if at all.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Jill.

George needs to chill out.

I don't even know
if I wanna do it with Scott.

He wants to know how I feel
before I know how I feel.

Hill!

Yeah, sure,
Scott is cute and everything

and it's not
like he's an idiot.

But truthfully,
he's kind of boring.

Wait. Does that sound mean?
I don't mean it to sound mean.

Pop it low.

And enough about Zambia.
We get it.

You've been to Africa.
You're a do-gooder.

But you know what
you're not good at?

Catch and pivot at the waist.

Basic conversation.

The truth is..

...we don't have
anything in common.

[scoffs]
There's no spark.

So, what am I holding on to?

Thanks, Dallas.
This really helped.

♪ She's got that kind of booty ♪

It sure did.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Aaron?

- George.
- Hi, Jocelyn.

You forgot your glasses
at the club this morning.

These are ladies' glasses.

- Oh.
- And they're bifocals.

- Oh.
- And they're not mine.

Thanks for coming
all this way, though.

Oh, oh, yeah. I pass by
your place all the time.

But you probably don't notice.

Sorry. I need to get Tessa's
clothes out of the dryer.

They're mostly cottons, and if
I leave them in there too long

then she is a wrinkled mess.

- You're a really good dad.
- Yeah.

[Salt-n-Pepa
singing "Push It"]

But I'm also a dude.

Oh. Oh, I know you are.

♪ Ah push it ♪

[both moaning]

[laughing]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't wanna give you
the wrong idea.

Oh, give it to me.

Give me the wrong idea!

♪ Ooh baby baby ♪

Grab it. Grab it!

Slap it. Trick it.

- Trick it?
- Who's a hungry hippo?

- I'm a hungry hippo.
- Connect 4, connect all four.

- You connect all four.
- So, you like games, huh?

I'm gonna slide
down your chute

and I'm gonna
climb up your ladder.

- Oh, yeah.
- You into monopoly?

- God, I'm going to jail.
- Oh! I got your hair!

- I got your hair!
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Go ahead. All of it,
all of it. Yahtzee!

The workout with Dallas
had given me clarity.

I knew what I had to do.

I felt strong,
and so did my abs.

[doorbell dings]

(Scott)
'Round back!'

[tribal music]

[drum music]

[goat bleating]

Hi, Tessa.
This is for your father.

Oh. How did you know?

It's a traditional
African courtship offering.

It wasn't easy to find a goat.
Took some doing on my part, so--

I'm sure my dad will appreciate
the gesture, really.

I-I'm just not sure about

the whole...courtship thing.

I know this seems weird,
and there's a goat involved

which you're probably not
used to, but in our culture

sex is trivialized, and
I just wanted to make sure

that our first time
had...meaning.

- You deserve a thousand goats.
- Thanks.

Tessa, don't think
I didn't notice.

You've been pulling away. You
wanted a physical relationship.

- But I wasn't ready for it.
- I did.

But then I got to
know you, and--

But I didn't wanna lose you,
so I got ready.

And now I'm ready for it.

[goat bleating]

Lay with me. Keep in mind my
parents will be back by 6:00.

[music continues]

I decided not to
lay with Scott.

And the two of us
went our separate ways.

I got custody of the goat.

Oh! Hey! Tessa!

Hey, goat.

I was just, uh, returning
a pair of ladies' bifocals

that didn't belong to your dad

and then I tripped,
and I broke my..

[sighs]
Ohh!

You don't have any water
on you, do you?

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

[goat bleating]

What's with the goat?

It's for you,
from my ex-boyfriend.

Ex?

It wasn't what
you thought, George.

It wasn't
what I thought, either.

Oh.

But for the record

unless that was
your one true love

I spotted on
the way out of here..

...you are a big,
fat hypocrite.

I stand by
what I said earlier.

You do it for the wrong
reasons...you'll regret it.

This goat has
better judgment than you.

(George)
'Hey, lay off
the sneakers, goat.'

But some people just don't
wanna be told what to do.

And Dallas...was one of them.

(Dallas)
'This is my house.'

'Tell me what to do
with my house.'

'This is how you
leave a man, Yakult.'

♪ What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger ♪

♪ Stand a little taller ♪

♪ Doesn't mean I'm lonely
when I'm alone ♪

♪ What doesn't kill you
makes a fighter ♪

♪ Footsteps even lighter ♪

♪ Doesn't meant I'm over
'cause you're gone ♪

♪ What doesn't kill you
makes you stronger ♪

♪ Stronger.. ♪

Mommy.

Are you and dad
getting a divorce?

[whimpers]

Two birthday parties,
two Christmases

and two bedrooms to decorate.
I am so happy, you guys.

- You are so lucky.
- I know.

I wish my parents were
getting a divorce.

I know.

There it was again,
the look of envy.

Chatswin's gotta be
the only place on Earth

where divorce was something
you high-five over.

Gentlemen, when
you're ready to order

just call me if you know
how to call a person

which it doesn't
seem like you do.

You know what? I'm starving.

I'm gonna go
with the power parfait.

Yeah, I'll just have
eggs over easy.

- You like everything over easy.
- Just go with the scramble.

You know what, I'm just
gonna have scrambled

eggs, uh, with
a side of fruit.

Have a little something
extra on the side, do you?

Okay, this is what
I was afraid of.

I-I said I didn't want to
give you the wrong idea.

But as I recall,
you gave me the wrong idea.

Hmm?

I'm kidding.

I'm totally kidding, George.

[chuckles]
You big goof.

I'll be right back
with your eggs.

[chuckling]
Ladies and gentlemen

weighing in at 180 pounds
in this corner

the heavy weight
champion of love making

Gorgeous George Altman!

- Okay, okay.
- He's back!

- He's not back.
- Yes, he is.

Although I would not
eat those eggs.