Original subtitles

[Beth Thornley singing "You're So Pony"]

♪ Let's say I want it let's say I want what's over there ♪

(Tessa) The look of envy.

It was a look Dalia was well-accustomed to receiving.

Me...not so much.

- Pick you up after school? - Okay.

Until now. - Nose kiss?

[school bell ringing]

Scott Strauss had chosen me over Dalia, and it was big.

- Bye. - Bye.

No. It was huge.

It's like New York all over again.

[sighs] The problem didn't go away. It just got bigger, ha.

That was a reference to Scott's--

Correct.

Your daughter has a voracious sexual appetite.

She's got a hunger for the flesh that can't be satiated.

You have a daughter. How can you joke like this?

[chuckles] Because she's not sexually active.

She's an academic.

- Like her mother. - I know it's not my choice.

I just don't want Tessa to treat sex as a recreational hobby.

Well, have you told her that?

I...tried to.

[crunching]

What am I supposed to do now?

I can't keep relocating her

every time I find condoms, can I?

I mean, I could. We have the miles.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da ♪♪

you guys.

I just had mani-pedi.

Oh! Uh, "Moon Over Miami" vice-versa my favorite song?

- How did you know? - I know.

Uh! It was orgasmic.

That is the problem with Chatswin.

Everything out here has to be sexualized.

George is angry about his daughter's libido.

[gasps] Oh, Dalia got horny early

so we had the sex talk years ago.

- I wouldn't wait, George. - To have the sex talk?

Yeah, I think Tessa knows where babies come from.

I'm not talking about that sex talk.

I'm talking about the one where you explain

all the different kinds of sex.

- Different kinds? - Breakup, makeup.

Girl-on-girl, group-on-guy--

Hate sex, date sex, pity sex, party sex, pity-party sex.

Bi-curious, by the ocean--

- By the hour. - The reverse Andre the giant.

No. Tessa is not doing any of that.

Well, she's going to, if she hasn't already, George.

- And you can't stop her. - I sure can. It's simple.

If I want to keep Tessa away from boys all I have to do

is find something more fun than having sex.

Jenga! Ha ha.

♪ You take a block from the bottom and you put it on top ♪

♪ You take a block from the middle and you put it on top ♪

Well, we've got other games.

'You guys ready for a good old-fashioned'

game night, or what?

I cut my teeth on chutes and ladders

or "snakes and ladders," as it's called on the streets

but, uh, I'm up for anything.

I was under the impression that Tessa would be here.

Yeah, we're gonna surprise her.

"Hungry hungry hippos.

Life, Yahtzee, Connect four."

Oh, what about Monopoly?

You're a purist.

Respect, but I gotta be the boot.

- Surprise! - Whoa! Oh.

Uh, surprise.

You're hanging out with my friends when I'm not home?

Yep.

For the record, I said this was weird.

Oh, dad, this is Scott Strauss.

Oh, hello, Scott. You...you play Yahtzee?

You said we're playing Monopoly. I just set up the bank.

Actually, Scott and I have dinner plans, so..

Oh! Okay, "dinner plans." "Scott and I."

"Actually." Ha, how grown-up.

Scott, can you wait outside? I think my dad's having a stroke.

Sure thing. Nice meeting you, Mr. Altman.

- Yes, nice meeting you too. - Hey.

- Ahem. - Get it.

- What was that? - What was what?

What did you just tell him to get?

- Dad, what is wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?

Nothing. I'm behaving very normally. It's Friday.

I'm going on an age-appropriate date with a cute boy.

You're a grown man, home playing Pictionary with minors.

[instrumental music]

The yogurt may have been flowing that night

but the conversation between me and Scott

was as stale as that crushed cookie topping.

All the kid ever talked about was how he volunteered

for a year in Zambia.

I wish I could have taken you for Bambara.

It's this dish I used to eat when I was living in--

Let me guess it, Zambia?

- Yeah. - Ohh.

Too bad we can't have it, 'cause we're not in Zambia.

- We're in...Chatswin. - I know that.

- Do you? - Yeah.

In Zambia, in the summertime, it gets surprisingly cold.

Did you ever see this internet video

of this kid coming home from the dentist

after he has had too much anesthesia?

- No. - It's funny.

funny stuff.

[laughing]

- You? - Yeah.

It's just hard to laugh, you know

when you know that people are starving..

...in Zambia.

- Are you gonna finish that? - I will now. Yeah.

I'm thinking about going back next summer.

You should. You should go.

Is everything okay, Tessa?

No. Everything was not okay.

I was sick of hearing about Scott's one adventure

and I probably would have dumped him at that very moment

had it not been for the war I was waging against Dalia.

Kiss me, Scott.

Kiss me like I'm Africa.

[instrumental music]

Mmm.

Mmm! Mm.

Mmm. Mm.

Buy a hotel.

Oh, we will.

We will.

Just got another hotel. Malik's still in jail.

- Sorry, Malik. - You don't seem sorry.

- Can I top you guys off? - Yes, please.

- I never get soda at home. - She's had enough.

[George laughing]

Aw, I was rooting for you too.

Wow. 8:45.

I was sure Tessa and Scott would be home by now.

What do you think they might be doing?

I mean, I mean...you know.

What do you guys generally do

with your dates?

Well, theoretically, I would take my lover up to Mt. Julian

and then share a soft cheese from Wisconsin.

They're just as good as the ones from France but more affordable.

Then we would sit up there till the sun came up

and talk about our hopes and dreams

and "dancing with the stars."

I'd probably like to go somewhere dark.

- So we could make out. - Make out! Yeah.

Sure. I'm down with that? That's, yeah. Get it.

So what about intercourse?

Can I call my mom to come get me?

I mean, typically, what age do kids...partake now a days?

That's okay, Malik. I'll answer this one.

Mr. Altman...the right age

depends on the individual.

And each individual can determine what that proper age

is by consulting the online virginity calculator.

[chuckles] It's not a real thing.

You enter your height, weight, hair length, and zip code.

It'll tell you when you're ready.

Eighteen.

Sixteen.

But I can wait.

[instrumental music]

Ahem.

Come on, 21.

Let's go, 21.

'Here we go, 21.'

'Sixteen?'

She's 16 right now.

[music continues]

What if I made her get a haircut?

Thank you so much for making a house call

to pick up our dry cleaning.

Ah, the club makes everything so convenient.

Did you know we have a pediatric urologist starting next week?

I did not!

- Super-duper. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, don't forget to check the pockets.

Oh, let's see if we can't find

some extra tip money for you.

Oh, dear.

Are you kidding me, Javier?

Are you kidding me right now?

- I-I don't know what-- - Look at this thing!

It's an M/L, an M/L.

Do you have any idea how many hours I spend at the gym

keeping it tight so he can get down with an M/L?

- Huh! - That is it!

That is the last straw!

I-i-it'll all be ready by Tuesday.

And give me back them giant panties!

- Morning, dad. - Oh, hey.

I'm gonna head over to Lisa's in a minute.

Yeah?

She invited me to sleep over tonight.

I feel like I haven't seen you much.

I know, but I feel like Lisa's feeling neglected

'cause I've been spending so much time with Scott.

So is it cool?

Yeah. It's cool.

It's very cool.

But...before you go

I...thought you'd probably want these.

I don't think Lisa and I need those.

I'm returning them to you. They're yours.

- No, they're not. - Found 'em in your room.

So you were going through my room?

No, no, I was in there to turn off the music

and then I saw 'em in a box.

Which I opened.

So, here we are.

- Back to square one. - I could say the same thing.

George, those were given to me.

Safe sex fairy?

Why do I even bother? You know what?

Think what you wanna think.

Trust me when I tell you you will regret it

if you have casual sex. It's not a casual thing.

It's something you share with the right person.

Is he the right person?

Goodbye George, I'll see you tomorrow.

Talk to me.

Yeah, well, that's something you earn, not demand.

- 'Tessa!' - You treat me like a child!

I do not treat you like a child!

You forgot your squishy.

[sighs] Thanks again for coming in on a Saturday, Aaron.

Oh, please, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Don't be stupid.

I'd do anything for you, Dallas.

I mean, you're a client, but you're also a friend.

- Oh. - And also..

I was coming in anyway.

Steven freaks out over nothin'.

He freaks out if I wear my shoes in the house.

But I'm supposed to turn the other cheek on these?

These panties are a slap in the face, Aaron.

Look, look, Steven is not a saint.

We've been down this road before.

But he's an excellent provider.

So you have to ask yourself this question.

Is this a really big problem..

or a you-can-live-with-it problem?

Is it huge, or just M/L?

Of course, once you serve him the papers

the papers can't be unserved.

[instrumental music]

Okay.

But I'd like to submit these into evidence.

He's just become so controlling.

- Scott? - George.

And that-that's gotten to the point

where I can't even stand the sound of his voice.

- George? - Scott!

Tessa, why don't you just tell your dad

nothing happened between you and Scott?

'Then he'll get off your case.'

No. Too kind.

I want George to sweat it out.

Maybe I'll even fake a pregnancy like Kenzie did.

Ha! Payback for going through my room again.

Okay. Sleep on that.

Goodnight, Tessa.

Goodnight.

(Lisa) 'I think Malik made a pass at me during game night.'

[instrumental music]

Well, the bacon certainly looks crisp this morning.

Mmm. It is. It's crisp. Ha ha.

Keep us posted, Fred.

I heard about you and Scott Strauss.

- I just wanna say I approve. - Mm, shut up, Ryan.

- He has great hair. - Dad.

It doesn't hurt me to see you with him.

I'm gonna go get some grapefruit.

- Anyone want anything? - I want you back.

Uh-huh. I will go get some muffins for the table.

[music continues]

It's a lot of muffins.

Well, I worked up a pretty big appetite

after all the sex I've been having.

Yeah, yeah. Ha. Funny.

Who knows? Maybe I'm eating for two.

I'm thinking it Xavier if it's a boy, or a girl.

Hey, you-you're just being silly now. Come on, Tessa.

I wasn't going through your room.

And yet you were going through my room.

Good morning, guys.

Steven's sleeping with a heifer.

[sighs] I'm gonna go hit the gym.

I'll come with.

I can't get through to her. She treats me like I'm out of touch.

I'm the cool dad.

What? I'm not the cool dad?

George.

Think about how you were back in the day.

You had sex with a lot of the ladies, alright?

You were the champion. You were undefeated.

How many women did you bring down to the mat?

You're being inappropriate.

See, the old George would have high-fived me

right there and then had sex with her.

Just because you're a dad doesn't mean

you can't be a dude.

Be a single dude. Don't be a single dad.

Ha, if not for you, then for me

and the rest of the married guys

who can only have sex with our wives...if at all.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Jill.

George needs to chill out.

I don't even know if I wanna do it with Scott.

He wants to know how I feel before I know how I feel.

Hill!

Yeah, sure, Scott is cute and everything

and it's not like he's an idiot.

But truthfully, he's kind of boring.

Wait. Does that sound mean? I don't mean it to sound mean.

Pop it low.

And enough about Zambia. We get it.

You've been to Africa. You're a do-gooder.

But you know what you're not good at?

Catch and pivot at the waist.

Basic conversation.

The truth is..

...we don't have anything in common.

[scoffs] There's no spark.

So, what am I holding on to?

Thanks, Dallas. This really helped.

♪ She's got that kind of booty ♪

It sure did.

[instrumental music]

Hello, Aaron?

- George. - Hi, Jocelyn.

You forgot your glasses at the club this morning.

These are ladies' glasses.

- Oh. - And they're bifocals.

- Oh. - And they're not mine.

Thanks for coming all this way, though.

Oh, oh, yeah. I pass by your place all the time.

But you probably don't notice.

Sorry. I need to get Tessa's clothes out of the dryer.

They're mostly cottons, and if I leave them in there too long

then she is a wrinkled mess.

- You're a really good dad. - Yeah.

[Salt-n-Pepa singing "Push It"]

But I'm also a dude.

Oh. Oh, I know you are.

♪ Ah push it ♪

[both moaning]

[laughing]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't wanna give you the wrong idea.

Oh, give it to me.

Give me the wrong idea!

♪ Ooh baby baby ♪

Grab it. Grab it!

Slap it. Trick it.

- Trick it? - Who's a hungry hippo?

- I'm a hungry hippo. - Connect 4, connect all four.

- You connect all four. - So, you like games, huh?

I'm gonna slide down your chute

and I'm gonna climb up your ladder.

- Oh, yeah. - You into monopoly?

- God, I'm going to jail. - Oh! I got your hair!

- I got your hair! - Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Go ahead. All of it, all of it. Yahtzee!

The workout with Dallas had given me clarity.

I knew what I had to do.

I felt strong, and so did my abs.

[doorbell dings]

(Scott) 'Round back!'

[tribal music]

[drum music]

[goat bleating]

Hi, Tessa. This is for your father.

Oh. How did you know?

It's a traditional African courtship offering.

It wasn't easy to find a goat. Took some doing on my part, so--

I'm sure my dad will appreciate the gesture, really.

I-I'm just not sure about

the whole...courtship thing.

I know this seems weird, and there's a goat involved

which you're probably not used to, but in our culture

sex is trivialized, and I just wanted to make sure

that our first time had...meaning.

- You deserve a thousand goats. - Thanks.

Tessa, don't think I didn't notice.

You've been pulling away. You wanted a physical relationship.

- But I wasn't ready for it. - I did.

But then I got to know you, and--

But I didn't wanna lose you, so I got ready.

And now I'm ready for it.

[goat bleating]

Lay with me. Keep in mind my parents will be back by 6:00.

[music continues]

I decided not to lay with Scott.

And the two of us went our separate ways.

I got custody of the goat.

Oh! Hey! Tessa!

Hey, goat.

I was just, uh, returning a pair of ladies' bifocals

that didn't belong to your dad

and then I tripped, and I broke my..

[sighs] Ohh!

You don't have any water on you, do you?

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

[goat bleating]

What's with the goat?

It's for you, from my ex-boyfriend.

Ex?

It wasn't what you thought, George.

It wasn't what I thought, either.

Oh.

But for the record

unless that was your one true love

I spotted on the way out of here..

...you are a big, fat hypocrite.

I stand by what I said earlier.

You do it for the wrong reasons...you'll regret it.

This goat has better judgment than you.

(George) 'Hey, lay off the sneakers, goat.'

But some people just don't wanna be told what to do.

And Dallas...was one of them.

(Dallas) 'This is my house.'

'Tell me what to do with my house.'

'This is how you leave a man, Yakult.'

♪ What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ♪

♪ Stand a little taller ♪

♪ Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone ♪

♪ What doesn't kill you makes a fighter ♪

♪ Footsteps even lighter ♪

♪ Doesn't meant I'm over 'cause you're gone ♪

♪ What doesn't kill you makes you stronger ♪

♪ Stronger.. ♪

Mommy.

Are you and dad getting a divorce?

[whimpers]

Two birthday parties, two Christmases

and two bedrooms to decorate. I am so happy, you guys.

- You are so lucky. - I know.

I wish my parents were getting a divorce.

I know.

There it was again, the look of envy.

Chatswin's gotta be the only place on Earth

where divorce was something you high-five over.

Gentlemen, when you're ready to order

just call me if you know how to call a person

which it doesn't seem like you do.

You know what? I'm starving.

I'm gonna go with the power parfait.

Yeah, I'll just have eggs over easy.

- You like everything over easy. - Just go with the scramble.

You know what, I'm just gonna have scrambled

eggs, uh, with a side of fruit.

Have a little something extra on the side, do you?

Okay, this is what I was afraid of.

I-I said I didn't want to give you the wrong idea.

But as I recall, you gave me the wrong idea.

Hmm?

I'm kidding.

I'm totally kidding, George.

[chuckles] You big goof.

I'll be right back with your eggs.

[chuckling] Ladies and gentlemen

weighing in at 180 pounds in this corner

the heavy weight champion of love making

Gorgeous George Altman!

- Okay, okay. - He's back!

- He's not back. - Yes, he is.

Although I would not eat those eggs.