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1
00:00:01,292 --> 00:00:04,754
(Tessa)
If somebody put a gun to
my head and forced me
2
00:00:04,796 --> 00:00:07,507
to say my favorite
thing about the suburbs
3
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:10,010
I would have to say
it's the water pressure.
4
00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:12,012
After all, the water doesn't
have to inch it's way up
5
00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:13,930
to the tenth floor
like it did in the city.
6
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:15,974
It's always right there
when you need it.
7
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:19,144
Gushing, powerful, hot.
8
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:21,646
[instrumental music]
9
00:00:22,605 --> 00:00:24,441
'You're kidding me!'
10
00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:28,528
Your water shut off, too?
11
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,238
I still have shampoo
in my hair.
12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:33,366
Trust me, I have a worse
situation involving soft soap.
13
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:34,784
Should we call the super?
14
00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:36,036
I am the super!
15
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,496
[doorbell dings]
16
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:42,083
- Okay.
- Hey. Hi, what's going on?
17
00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,126
I told you he had
a good build.
18
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,502
I stand corrected.
19
00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,212
Okay. What, uh, can I,
can I help you?
20
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:47,756
Bad news, George,
somebody ran over
21
00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:49,507
the fire hydrant
on your front lawn.
22
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,260
Okay, we-we don't have a fire
hydrant on our front lawn.
23
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,803
Well, you do now.
24
00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:55,805
[music continues]
25
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:59,017
[exhales]
26
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,268
Oh.
27
00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:01,728
[water gushing]
28
00:01:01,770 --> 00:01:03,354
Wow.
29
00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:05,940
[theme music]
30
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:12,447
♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪
31
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:15,533
♪ da-da-da-da
da da da ♪♪
32
00:01:15,575 --> 00:01:17,077
This is a first
for Chatswin High
33
00:01:17,118 --> 00:01:19,871
having an undercover narc
on the premises.
34
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,247
It's very exciting.
35
00:01:21,289 --> 00:01:23,708
It's like "The Wire!"
36
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,293
I don't know
how exciting it is
37
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:27,962
the kids are using
and distributing steroids.
38
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:31,382
Very. But I promise to keep
this shizzle on the DL.
39
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:34,177
So's I don't blow up
your spot.
40
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,470
I appreciate that.
41
00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:37,013
Now I'm gonna introduce you
42
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:38,932
into the school population
the way I introduce
43
00:01:38,973 --> 00:01:39,974
every new student.
44
00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,060
By assigning you a buddy.
45
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,478
Tessa!
46
00:01:44,687 --> 00:01:46,064
Tessa!
47
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,066
[instrumental music]
48
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:51,027
This is Josh Sherman.
49
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:54,989
Josh is a new student
here at our school
50
00:01:55,031 --> 00:01:57,826
and since you're our most recent
addition to Chatswin
51
00:01:57,867 --> 00:02:00,703
I couldn't think of anyone
better to show Josh the ropes.
52
00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:04,165
Are you sure? I'm still looking
for one to hang myself with.
53
00:02:04,207 --> 00:02:07,043
[laughing]
She's so wry.
54
00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,796
[bell rings]
55
00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:11,923
Moving here from a city
is challenging at first.
56
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,800
There's a lot of stuff
you've got to get used to.
57
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:15,969
Like what?
58
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:18,471
Who's this loser?
59
00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:19,848
I'm Josh.
60
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,599
Is Tessa showing you
around Losertown?
61
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:25,019
Well, if...this is Losertown
62
00:02:25,061 --> 00:02:28,022
you
a loser?
63
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,692
Oh, wow. Logic.
64
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:32,694
[instrumental music]
65
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,656
- Is everybody like--
- Most.
66
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:37,282
Most.
67
00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,494
I mean, I thought
Manhattan cost a fortune.
68
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,788
There hasn't been a single
day since I moved here that
69
00:02:43,830 --> 00:02:47,041
something hasn't broken down
or needed painting
70
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:50,545
or caulking or weather-stripping
or resurfacing.
71
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,671
Sounds like my wife.
72
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:52,922
[laughs]
I'm just kidding.
73
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:55,049
Jill looks great
for a woman in her 40s.
74
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:57,594
[laughs]
I'm just joking.
75
00:02:57,635 --> 00:02:58,887
I married too young.
76
00:02:58,928 --> 00:03:00,972
[laughs]
Stop me!
77
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,183
[chuckles]
78
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:05,393
[no audio]
Hi.
79
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:08,646
[whispering]
And that is my other problem.
80
00:03:08,688 --> 00:03:09,981
- Dallas?
- Yeah.
81
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:11,357
Look at the way
she's smiling at me.
82
00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,818
[clears throat]
83
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:15,445
That's the way she smiles
at everybody.
84
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,073
Look at the way
she's eating that banana.
85
00:03:19,115 --> 00:03:20,408
[instrumental music]
86
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:24,913
♪ This is your fantasy.. ♪♪
87
00:03:24,954 --> 00:03:26,623
That's the way
she eats everything.
88
00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,541
What? No, it is not.
Trust me.
89
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:30,084
Things have been weird
ever since she kissed me.
90
00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:32,337
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
91
00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:34,631
And wait and what and huh?
She kissed you? Where?
92
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:36,799
- On the lips.
- No, where in the world?
93
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:39,219
Oh, at my house on Christmas.
I told you that.
94
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:40,970
[chuckles]
You most certainly did not
tell me that.
95
00:03:41,012 --> 00:03:44,182
I would have remembered that.
She's smokin' hot!
96
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,018
- She's married.
- Which makes it hotter.
97
00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:50,021
- Your wife's married.
- Yeah, but she's married to me.
98
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,941
Lisa, this is Josh.
99
00:03:52,982 --> 00:03:54,275
He just moved here
from Chicago.
100
00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,194
Hi, Lisa.
101
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,947
[instrumental music]
102
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:01,115
I've never been to Chicago
but I'm a big fan
103
00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:02,867
of the musical
and found Queen Latifah
104
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:05,078
to be an unexpected surprise
in the movie version.
105
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:08,915
Nice meeting you.
106
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:13,586
I think I have a shot
with him.
107
00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:14,963
Why do you think that?
108
00:04:15,004 --> 00:04:16,464
'Cause he hasn't had time
to form an opinion
109
00:04:16,506 --> 00:04:19,217
about me based on what
everyone else thinks.
110
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,719
Just do me a favor and put in
a good word for me, would you?
111
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:24,347
Just, I don't know, tell him
I'm nice and smart..
112
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,933
[instrumental music]
113
00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,310
'And not related to him.'
114
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,980
♪ Look at that thing
look at that thing ♪
115
00:04:32,021 --> 00:04:33,606
Tell him I'm adopted.
116
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:36,693
I think I left my car keys.
117
00:04:36,734 --> 00:04:38,444
[slurping]
118
00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:40,071
[keys jingling]
119
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,657
- Oh.
- Lookin' for these, daddy? Oh!
120
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,826
- Oh.
- Dallas.
121
00:04:44,867 --> 00:04:47,495
Mr. Sneaky-face tried to sneak
out without saying goodbye.
122
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:49,914
No, actually, Mr. I-Didn't-Wanna
-Bother-You-Face
123
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:51,749
didn't wanna...bother you.
124
00:04:51,791 --> 00:04:53,334
Well, I want you
to bother me, George.
125
00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,295
- You should know that.
- I do know that, but
126
00:04:55,336 --> 00:04:57,297
But I don't
...want to bother you.
127
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,926
I think you and I should talk.
128
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,262
- So talk.
- Well, not here.
129
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:07,181
This club is full of
busy bodies and nudgy-noses.
130
00:05:07,223 --> 00:05:09,225
[whispering]
This is private.
131
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:10,852
I'll call you.
132
00:05:11,936 --> 00:05:13,354
[sighs]
133
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,189
[instrumental music]
134
00:05:16,899 --> 00:05:18,484
She still has my car keys.
135
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:20,570
So, Josh, you remember
136
00:05:20,611 --> 00:05:21,821
that girl Lisa I introduced
137
00:05:21,863 --> 00:05:23,197
you to yesterday?
138
00:05:23,239 --> 00:05:24,699
Nope.
139
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,576
You know, kinda dirty blonde
hair hazel brown eyes
140
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:28,077
loves Queen Latifah.
141
00:05:28,119 --> 00:05:29,787
Oh.
142
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,040
Lisa
143
00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,124
No.
144
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,625
Josh.
145
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,545
She's super nice
and smart
146
00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:40,006
and...adopted
147
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,008
if you're into that
sort of thing
148
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,302
which some people...are.
149
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,346
[instrumental music]
150
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:48,056
Who's that?
151
00:05:48,097 --> 00:05:49,724
(Tessa)
Wait a minute,
I had spent enough time
152
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:51,559
in the West Village
to recognize that look.
153
00:05:51,601 --> 00:05:54,937
That look meant that Josh
was never gonna like Lisa
154
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:56,481
because Josh was gay
155
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:59,025
and it was
for lack of a better word..
156
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,234
...fabulous.
157
00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,573
[instrumental music]
158
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:11,662
- Whatcha doin'?
- Studying for a Spanish test.
159
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,873
Oh, well, if you're stuck
on ceiling
160
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:16,209
el techo.
161
00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:17,585
Or is that armpit?
162
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,171
So this new guy started
at Chatswin today.
163
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:23,049
- Yeah?
- He's super nice, real gay.
164
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,885
But I think he's in the closet
which is bumming me out.
165
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,596
Right, because everybody has to
be honest about who they are.
166
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:31,307
- Exactly.
- Have you met people?
167
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:33,518
Very few of them are completely
honest about who they are.
168
00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:35,061
I am.
169
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:36,187
Then you'd have
no problem with people knowing
170
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,774
you DVR "For the love of Ray J?"
171
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,651
(whispering)
We all have our secrets.
172
00:06:41,692 --> 00:06:43,569
[cellphone ringing]
173
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:49,575
Ugh.
174
00:06:49,617 --> 00:06:52,078
[speaking in Spanish]
175
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,582
[speaking in French]
176
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,630
I took French.
177
00:07:05,508 --> 00:07:06,968
(Dallas)
'Squeeze it.'
178
00:07:07,009 --> 00:07:08,428
'You gotta squeeze it, George.'
179
00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:10,138
(woman on speaker)
'No waiting on check stand two.'
180
00:07:10,179 --> 00:07:13,641
[sighs]
Oh. Hey, Dallas.
181
00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,309
- What a coincidence.
- Not really.
182
00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:16,477
I followed you here.
183
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:18,146
- Yeah?
- Here. Feel these.
184
00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:19,814
- Feel my melons.
- Okay.
185
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:22,567
See how full they feel
in the palm of your hand?
186
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,861
That's how you know
they're juicy and ready to eat.
187
00:07:24,902 --> 00:07:26,737
Okay, you know, I-I don't
think I'm gonna get
188
00:07:26,779 --> 00:07:28,573
any melons anyway,
so I'll see you later.
189
00:07:30,658 --> 00:07:33,911
George, I've been calling you
and you haven't answered
190
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,873
and I'm starting to feel like
maybe you're avoiding me.
191
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:39,584
Avoiding you? That's crazy.
I.. Why would I..
192
00:07:39,625 --> 00:07:41,085
I-I wouldn't. I'm not.
193
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,546
Good, 'cause I have
a proposal for you.
194
00:07:43,588 --> 00:07:45,047
I would like for you
to design my boutique--
195
00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:46,507
Dallas, you are
a married woman!
196
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:49,010
[Muzak music]
197
00:07:52,388 --> 00:07:54,140
What does my being married
have anything
198
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,600
to do with you
designing my boutique?
199
00:07:55,641 --> 00:07:57,518
Nothing. I-I-I just think
the two of us--
200
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:59,020
Oh, look who it is!
201
00:07:59,061 --> 00:08:00,396
Golden raisins.
202
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,898
(Sheila)
'George.'
203
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,234
Would you like a coupon
for Ground Chuck?
204
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,653
- No, thanks. I'm fine.
- Take the coupon, George.
205
00:08:07,695 --> 00:08:10,072
- You're gonna need it.
- What's that supposed to mean?
206
00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,450
It means we're gonna hit you
where it hurts, right in the--
207
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,243
- Cinnamon rolls.
- What?
208
00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,245
George, that geyser
on your lawn
209
00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,498
caused extensive water damage
to our driveway.
210
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:21,083
And, sadly, we're gonna have
to have the whole thing repaved.
211
00:08:21,125 --> 00:08:23,586
Ooh, that sounds
expensive, George.
212
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:26,339
Oh, it will be and if George
doesn't pay for it, we'll sue.
213
00:08:26,380 --> 00:08:28,049
- Don't want to.
- But we will.
214
00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,426
The Shays are
a litigious people.
215
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:31,969
(Dallas)
'Well, what do you think,
George?'
216
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,596
Half price
on your Ground Chuck
217
00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:35,097
or design my boutique?
218
00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:36,724
(woman on speaker)
'Deli, line one.'
219
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,519
When do I start?
220
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,437
[bell ringing]
221
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,940
[instrumental music]
222
00:08:45,399 --> 00:08:48,861
Hey! Tessa.
Do you know Ryan Shay?
223
00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:50,738
(Tessa)
After all this time in Suburbia
224
00:08:50,780 --> 00:08:54,367
my gaydar was still as finely
tuned as Liberace's piano.
225
00:08:54,408 --> 00:08:57,370
Yeah. I know Ryan. Why?
226
00:08:57,411 --> 00:08:59,997
I don't know.
Just...seems kinda popular.
227
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,374
Maybe the sorta guy
I should kinda get to know.
228
00:09:01,415 --> 00:09:03,584
Sorta kinda, huh?
229
00:09:03,626 --> 00:09:06,879
- Yeah.
- Because he's..."popular."
230
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:08,214
[chuckles]
231
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,091
Yeah. What's wrong with that?
232
00:09:10,132 --> 00:09:12,677
Look, Josh,
you can tell me the truth.
233
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,554
- The truth about what?
- I'm not gonna judge you.
234
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:16,180
I'm from New York.
235
00:09:18,432 --> 00:09:19,850
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
236
00:09:19,892 --> 00:09:21,519
Fine, fine.
237
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:25,106
I won't ask
and you don't have to tell.
238
00:09:25,147 --> 00:09:27,024
But just so you know, you're
barking up the wrong tree
239
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,734
as far as Ryan Shay
is concerned.
240
00:09:28,776 --> 00:09:30,444
He is, tsk,
straight as an arrow.
241
00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:34,824
But his body
...it's so muscular.
242
00:09:34,865 --> 00:09:36,534
I know.
243
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,452
And that's usually
a telltale sign but..
244
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:40,037
Oh, my God. You do know.
245
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,540
[instrumental music]
246
00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,794
- You can't out me.
- I won't.
247
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,421
Nobody's ever
figured it out before.
248
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:49,672
Wouldn't it be better
if everyone knew
249
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,048
it was all out in the open?
250
00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:52,758
What? No! Are you kidding?
That would ruin me.
251
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:54,719
Man, I wish the world
was a different place.
252
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,305
Yeah!
253
00:09:57,346 --> 00:09:58,598
Okay, so Ryan Shay's
not my guy.
254
00:09:58,639 --> 00:10:00,558
Is there anybody else
worth checking out?
255
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:05,521
I do have the sneaky suspicion
of Dave Donsky.
256
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:06,897
School quarterback?
257
00:10:06,939 --> 00:10:09,775
Donsky. Got it.
258
00:10:09,817 --> 00:10:12,111
I'll sniff around.
See what he's into.
259
00:10:14,196 --> 00:10:17,158
- Not a word to anyone, right?
- Right.
260
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:18,659
Thanks, Tessa.
261
00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,952
[instrumental music]
262
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,663
[sighs]
263
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:24,665
I gotta get out
of this closet.
264
00:10:24,707 --> 00:10:26,292
[bell ringing]
265
00:10:32,256 --> 00:10:34,717
So I saw you and Josh
talking yesterday.
266
00:10:34,759 --> 00:10:36,761
You think he likes me?
267
00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,304
Almost.
268
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,847
What does that mean?
269
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:42,224
- He likes your brother.
- Josh is gay?
270
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:43,351
We never had this conversation.
271
00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:44,644
That's impossible.
272
00:10:44,685 --> 00:10:45,936
Josh can't be gay.
273
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,855
The guy who carves
our meat..
274
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:48,939
♪ Ta-da ♪
275
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:51,442
...now he's gay
but Josh?
276
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,985
Easy to spot
the obvious ones.
277
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:56,447
You're forgetting about guys
like Dave Donsky.
278
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,741
The quarterback? He's the
most masculine guy in school.
279
00:10:58,783 --> 00:11:00,076
- Gay.
- Not gay.
280
00:11:00,117 --> 00:11:02,411
- Clay Aiken-gay.
- Clay Aiken's not gay.
281
00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:03,454
He's just a tender soul.
282
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,705
Lisa, he's openly gay.
283
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,749
He's as gay as Josh..
284
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,042
...who is gay.
285
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:09,335
You don't understand.
286
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,087
Josh is my destiny.
I know he is.
287
00:11:11,128 --> 00:11:13,089
I've already gone online
and ordered computer renderings
288
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:15,132
of what our future children
will look like.
289
00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,095
Where did you obtain
these photos?
290
00:11:19,136 --> 00:11:20,388
buildmybabies.com.
291
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:22,723
The little boy looks like
a serial killer.
292
00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:25,393
Who, Losh?
He's just misunderstood.
293
00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:27,144
I'm afraid you're gonna have
to find someone else
294
00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:28,312
to procreate with.
295
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,855
Josh is playing
for the other team.
296
00:11:29,897 --> 00:11:30,940
Well, guess what?
297
00:11:30,981 --> 00:11:32,692
It's draft season
298
00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:35,653
and I predict
Josh will switch teams.
299
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,154
I can turn him.
300
00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,699
I am ballsy enough to try.
301
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:42,159
I'm sure Josh will like
that quality.
302
00:11:42,201 --> 00:11:43,285
Uhh! You the man.
303
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:44,537
(male #1)
No, you the man.
304
00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:45,788
(both)
Uhh! You the man, man!
305
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,206
You the man, too, man.
306
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,749
(male #2)
'Come on, man.'
307
00:11:48,791 --> 00:11:50,084
Whoo!
308
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,711
[all grunting]
309
00:11:51,752 --> 00:11:54,922
[indistinct yelling]
310
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,841
[telephone ringing]
311
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:58,217
Mr. Wolfe,
do you have a minute?
312
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:00,553
Absolutely. I'm just bidding
313
00:12:00,594 --> 00:12:02,596
on a "Perfect Strangers"
box set and..
314
00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:04,306
[taps key]
315
00:12:04,348 --> 00:12:08,144
I'm all yours. I'm not sure
they really were cousins.
316
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:09,562
Who knows?
317
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,690
Anyway..
318
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,900
I feel sort of embarrassed
coming to you about this
319
00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:19,822
but...I have this friend
who's ashamed to be gay
320
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,075
and...refuses to come out.
321
00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:25,703
Let me guess. It's you.
322
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,496
No, it's a friend.
323
00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,206
It always is.
324
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,375
Anyway, I thought
maybe you could tell me
325
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,462
how...you handled it.
326
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,380
Handled what?
327
00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,590
Coming out.
328
00:12:37,631 --> 00:12:40,176
From Indiana?
Oh, it was no big deal.
329
00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:43,262
I just packed some bags
and jumped on a bus.
330
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:44,555
Uh..
331
00:12:46,265 --> 00:12:47,433
Okay.
332
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:49,518
But let's get back
to your "friend."
333
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:51,228
Right. Uh..
334
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:53,063
He just seems like
such a great guy
335
00:12:53,105 --> 00:12:57,485
and...I know he'll never be
happy living a lie.
336
00:12:57,526 --> 00:13:01,614
It's like I always say
to my GF, Heidi.
337
00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:05,075
"Heidi, I love you. I love
being heterosexual with you.
338
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:06,869
"But if for some reason
you're not feeling it
339
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:09,121
"just let me know
so I can find another woman
340
00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:12,917
to be heterosexual with,
because I have needs."
341
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,086
Sounds like you guys have
a great relationship.
342
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:17,671
I just wish my friend
would realize
343
00:13:17,713 --> 00:13:20,633
that people who don't
accept you for who you are
344
00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,009
aren't worth knowing anyway.
345
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:23,719
Totally.
346
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,930
Isn't she gorgeous?
She's a Virgo.
347
00:13:28,015 --> 00:13:29,600
Oh, George.
348
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:32,520
Doesn't this space
just ooze potential?
349
00:13:32,561 --> 00:13:34,230
It oozes, alright.
350
00:13:34,271 --> 00:13:37,525
I am finally ready to share
my passion with the world.
351
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,276
So what, shoes? Purses?
352
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,738
Shoes and purses?
How shallow do you think I am?
353
00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,990
I'm selling paperweights.
354
00:13:45,032 --> 00:13:46,367
P-p-paperweights?
355
00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:48,327
Oh, not just paperweights.
356
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:51,413
Crystal paperweights
with 3D laser-etchings
357
00:13:51,455 --> 00:13:53,374
of your loved ones.
358
00:13:53,415 --> 00:13:54,416
Look.
359
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:55,960
This is me and Yakult.
360
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:58,420
'See how it's like
a little hologram in there?'
361
00:13:58,462 --> 00:13:59,672
Here's Dalia.
362
00:14:02,633 --> 00:14:05,261
And this one, oh, is you.
363
00:14:08,472 --> 00:14:10,349
'Oh!'
364
00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:12,977
I bet your brain
is just spinning
365
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:15,312
thinking about all the things
we can do in here
366
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,898
'on the ceiling,
on the floor.'
367
00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:21,443
[gasps]
Up against this wall.
368
00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:23,654
- Okay, Dallas, that is enough.
- Beg pardon?
369
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:25,823
Let's just talk about what
we're really talking about here.
370
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:28,659
This job, this...whole store..
371
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:30,411
It's an excuse
to spend time with me.
372
00:14:30,452 --> 00:14:31,871
[laughs]
373
00:14:31,912 --> 00:14:33,956
Well, someone's self-esteem
is intact.
374
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,750
Oh, come on. Laser-etched 3D
crystal paperweights?
375
00:14:36,792 --> 00:14:37,835
Who the hell wants those?
376
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,461
People who love
the spectacular.
377
00:14:39,503 --> 00:14:40,546
'Oh, please.'
378
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,423
The only thing spectacular here
379
00:14:42,464 --> 00:14:44,008
is the lengths you are
willing to go
380
00:14:44,049 --> 00:14:45,342
to trying to seduce me.
381
00:14:45,384 --> 00:14:46,760
So thank you very much
382
00:14:46,802 --> 00:14:49,388
but I am done thinking
about what we could do
383
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:50,681
up against that wall.
384
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:54,685
I was talking
about a display case!
385
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,230
Ohh!
386
00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,024
Sorry, dude. High five.
387
00:15:01,233 --> 00:15:02,443
Lisa?
388
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:03,944
Don't harsh me, bro.
High five.
389
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:09,700
- Why are you dressed--
- Dressed like a man?
390
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,244
'Cause I am a man.
391
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:13,495
High five.
392
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,582
I don't...want to.
393
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,752
That's cool.
394
00:15:19,793 --> 00:15:21,086
[chuckles]
Bye, Lisa.
395
00:15:21,128 --> 00:15:22,338
Bye, bro.
396
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:26,717
Hey, Tessa. Tessa.
397
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,969
Hey, I just wanted to,
uh, thank you
398
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:30,554
'for turning me on to Dave.'
399
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:31,764
So things worked out?
400
00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,515
Hmm. Are you kidding?
401
00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:36,101
I'm gonna nail this guy,
Tessa..
402
00:15:36,143 --> 00:15:39,271
...today.
403
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,773
Today?
404
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:42,524
Don't you wanna take things
a little slower?
405
00:15:42,566 --> 00:15:45,444
Absolutely not.
He's the one.
406
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:47,738
Can't let him get away.
In fact..
407
00:15:47,780 --> 00:15:50,366
[whispers]
...do you wanna watch
it go down?
408
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:52,493
Wh-where's it gonna go down?
409
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:57,039
Right here.
In the hallway.
410
00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:59,750
'Right...now.'
411
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:02,836
Police. Freeze!
Jump him!
412
00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:04,254
Go, go, go, go, go.
413
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:05,839
[grunting]
414
00:16:05,881 --> 00:16:07,925
Narcotics division,
New York Police Department.
415
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,635
You are under arrest
for the possession
416
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:10,970
'and sale of steroids.'
417
00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:12,179
You have the right
to remain silent.
418
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,390
Uhh!
419
00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:16,183
'Anything you say can
and will be used against you..'
420
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,477
(Tessa)
As I watched it go down
421
00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:20,521
I realized I shouldn't be
pulling anyone over
422
00:16:20,562 --> 00:16:22,272
on the homosexual highway
423
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,525
because my gay-dar
was clearly broken.
424
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:31,865
- How is my famous chicken parm?
- Kind of dry.
425
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:34,868
Well, yeah, that-that's
what it's famous for.
426
00:16:34,910 --> 00:16:37,246
Remember that new kid I was
telling you about at school?
427
00:16:37,287 --> 00:16:38,580
The gay one?
428
00:16:38,622 --> 00:16:39,873
Turns out he wasn't so much gay
429
00:16:39,915 --> 00:16:41,792
as he was an undercover
narcotics officer
430
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,252
who wasn't gay.
431
00:16:43,293 --> 00:16:45,879
A narc?
They still do that?
432
00:16:45,921 --> 00:16:47,798
- Apparently.
- Wow.
433
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,216
And apparently I'm the idiot
for thinking
434
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,678
I understood the guy
when I was completely wrong.
435
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:54,596
'I can't believe I jumped
to a conclusion like that.'
436
00:16:54,638 --> 00:16:57,474
I feel so stupid.
437
00:16:57,516 --> 00:17:01,603
You're not stupid, Tess.
You're just an Altman.
438
00:17:01,645 --> 00:17:04,106
[indistinct chatter on TV]
439
00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:07,151
On the ceiling,
on the floor.
440
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:11,697
Oh, we could do it right here
right up against this wall.
441
00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:15,034
- Uh, Dallas.
- Oh, George!
442
00:17:15,075 --> 00:17:17,870
Joe, why don't you get
that bid to me ASAP
443
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:20,873
and I'll get back to you
even ASAPer, okay?
444
00:17:20,914 --> 00:17:22,166
Okay, fine.
445
00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:24,877
- Hey.
- Hey.
446
00:17:27,129 --> 00:17:29,506
So Joe seems like a good guy.
447
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,175
He is. You must be
shocked to see
448
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:32,801
I'm going forward
with my store
449
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:35,304
considering it was all just
a ploy to spend time with you.
450
00:17:35,345 --> 00:17:38,807
Okay, so maybe I jumped
to the wrong conclusion.
451
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,642
I think it's hereditary.
452
00:17:40,684 --> 00:17:43,353
But look, I mean, after
what happened at Christmas..
453
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:46,148
Christmas?
Oh, of course.
454
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:49,109
- The kiss?
- Yes, the kiss.
455
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:51,195
George, that kiss
had nothing to do with you.
456
00:17:51,236 --> 00:17:54,907
- That was about me and Steven.
- How so?
457
00:17:54,948 --> 00:17:58,285
It's no secret things aren't
perfect between him and I.
458
00:17:58,327 --> 00:18:00,662
I spent so much time
keeping my head down
459
00:18:00,704 --> 00:18:03,415
just carrying out my duties
as a wife, as a mother
460
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,750
as a size two.
461
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,503
Sometimes I have
to remind myself to look up
462
00:18:07,544 --> 00:18:09,963
and think about the things
that I want, and then I did
463
00:18:10,005 --> 00:18:12,674
and, and there you were
464
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:16,386
standing in the wrong place
at the wrong time, I guess.
465
00:18:16,428 --> 00:18:17,513
I guess.
466
00:18:17,554 --> 00:18:19,306
My marriage may not be perfect
467
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,101
but, George, I'm fixing
to rediscover myself.
468
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:25,479
I'm fixing to laser-engrave
my own happiness
469
00:18:25,521 --> 00:18:27,773
into a glistening ball
of crystal.
470
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:30,484
I'm a store owner.
I'm an entrepreneur.
471
00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,945
I'm an independent woman
in the 2000-teens.
472
00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,279
Holla!
473
00:18:35,405 --> 00:18:36,573
So what do you think?
474
00:18:36,615 --> 00:18:38,158
The job is still yours
if you want it.
475
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,284
I want it.
476
00:18:39,326 --> 00:18:41,078
Ahh! George.
477
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,621
Okay, I'm gonna have
my lawyer draw up
478
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,582
some contracts just
as soon as possible.
479
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:47,000
So that-that kiss
480
00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:49,378
that was...about you
and Steven, then?
481
00:18:49,419 --> 00:18:50,546
Yep.
482
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,840
Because, I mean..
483
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:54,049
You know, it felt like it was
484
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:55,759
about you and me.
485
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:57,970
No. It wasn't.
486
00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:02,182
[instrumental music]
487
00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:20,075
[indistinct chattering]
488
00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,577
So he's not gay?
489
00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:24,746
No. But he is married.
490
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:28,292
Okay. So, we're looking at
a sister-wife situation here.
491
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,169
Right.
492
00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:31,461
So lose the hat.
493
00:19:31,503 --> 00:19:33,213
Announcement, everybody.
494
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:34,798
'Announcement.'
495
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:36,466
As I'm sure you heard by now
496
00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:41,221
Chatswin High had its very
own undercover narcotics officer
497
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:44,516
snooping around the school
for illegal substances.
498
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,019
Laxatives are not illegal.
499
00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:48,478
[students murmuring]
500
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,398
Any-who, I just want everyone
to remember
501
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:56,653
that if someone offers you
drugs of any kind, say no.
502
00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:00,365
And if a stranger offers
to drive you home from school
503
00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:02,159
say no.
504
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:06,038
And if the cafeteria ever
serves veal medallions again
505
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,207
say no.
506
00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:09,917
Seriously, you guys.
507
00:20:14,254 --> 00:20:16,465
Oh, and one more
announcement. I'm gay.
508
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,634
So from this point on,
I will be driving a Miata.
509
00:20:18,675 --> 00:20:20,928
Please let me know
if you have any questions.
510
00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:31,230
Thank you so much for
the encouragement, Tessa.
511
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:34,024
I can finally be open
about my passion
512
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:38,362
for deep V-neck T-shirts
and anti-aging face creams
513
00:20:38,403 --> 00:20:42,115
and ice skating in August
and Stephen Sondheim
514
00:20:42,157 --> 00:20:44,326
"Dieux Du Stade.."
515
00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:47,788
(Tessa)
So Josh wasn't gay, and
Donsky was going to juvie
516
00:20:47,829 --> 00:20:50,374
but at least something good
came out of all this
517
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:52,501
and that something
was Mr. Wolfe.
36586
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