Original subtitles

Ready Tess?

I was born ready.

The next few minutes would determine

whether I would run free like a wild coyote

with the wind in my fur

or stay tied to the fence like a rabbit--

(George) 'Tessa!'

We have a scheduled appointment.

Sorry.

My last few moments as a pedestrian.

Cocky. Don't get cocky.

Okay. Thank you very much. Good number.

[chuckles]

- Oh, my gosh! - Hey!

- What are you guys doing here? - Antiquing.

Well, Dalia's getting her driver's license

or so we hope. Third time's the charm.

You.. Oh, yo-she, uh, she failed twice already?

No, no. God, no. I'm rounding down from six.

These Chatswin test administrators are t-u-f-f.

They don't let you hit anything.

(woman on PA) 'Tessa Altman, window 25.'

- That's me. - No, that's me, actually.

Okay, check your mirrors. Let him see you. Check your mirrors.

Why are you assuming it's a he?

Okay. Okay, fair enough, but..

...that stereotype exists

for a reason, so you prove them wrong.

Ow!

[whispers] Prove them wrong.

Okay. Here. Uh, oh!

Whoo!

Sorry.

Whoo. Sorry.

[sighs] Okay.

It was fun teaching her to drive, you know?

Oh, my gosh, yes.

I'm quite sure Carmen feels the same way

about teaching Dalia.

Although Carmen really shouldn't be driving.

[whispers] For so many reasons.

(woman on PA) 'Dalia Royce, window 8.'

- I think that's me. - Yeah.

Yep, it is.

- Alright. Go get 'em, darlin'! - Yes!

Drive or die trying!

Maybe that's bad advice.

[instrumental music]

After acing my road test, I decided to fake George out

like those "Idol" contestants, who hide the yellow piece

of paper behind their backs, even though we totally know

they're going to Hollywood.

- You're going to Hollywood! - Whoo!

[laughs] Oh, yes!

He said I was perfect.

- My parallel parking. - Mm!

My three-point turn.

My choice in radio station.

Unh!

College indie?

Smooth jazz. He was old.

So I played to the crowd.

- Very smart. - Mm!

- How'd Dalia do? - 'Oh..'

(male #1) 'You're gonna be alright. Try to keep your head...'

As expected.

I'm telling you, she didn't use the mirrors.

- Not even a blinker. - 'I understand.'

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da daa daa da da daa ♪♪

No highways, no cell phones

and you're not allowed to go over 50.

And you're not allowed to act over 50.

Give me the keys.

I'll call you when I want to be picked up, okay?

Are you sure you want me to leave you here?

You've been here for, like, five days in a row.

I can take you to... a library or something.

They have a library.

I figured since Noah gave me his guest pass

I might as well take advantage of it.

Oh, George was definitely taking advantage of it.

[instrumental music]

(male #2) 'Hey, George.'

Hoo! Nothing-nothing takes it off you

like a good steam, right, Marty?

Marty?

- I'm alive. - Oh..

Mr. Altman? I'm sorry.

This is a little awkward.

Oh, it's fine. I'm wearing underwear.

I'm sorry to inform you, your guest pass has expired.

Oh, well, okay. That's no problem.

Can I just have Noah renew it?

"Can I just have Noah renew it?"

Uh, no, you cannot. Guest passes are nonrenewable.

So I'm afraid this is goodbye.

Can I just finish my steam?

I couldn't just finish my steam?

Brutal, buddy. Mind taking a step back?

You're dripping all over my gorditas.

So isn't there something you can do?

Well, the guest membership thing

was always temporary.

Had to end sometime, and frankly

I'm surprised they let it go so long.

Hey, why don't you join the club, George?

Fred, why don't you have another Arnold Palmer

and enjoy your own business?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Maybe I should just join.

H-half the business I've done since I moved here

came from contacts I made in this place.

Membership practically pays for itself.

Well, I don't know about that, Fred.

So what do you think, Noah? Will you sponsor me?

[chuckling] Oh, will I?

Yes, will you?

[laughing] Now don't be crazy.

So that's a yes?

[laughing] Is it? I don't know.

George, it goes against all of my

best instincts to tell you this

but management says..

...you can't be in here without clothes on.

Alright. I'm-I'm going.

Yeah, not with that robe, you're not.

Sorry. Club rules.

[chuckles]

Suddenly, I was at the top

of the High School food chain.

I was a driver.

Heard you passed your driver's test.

Heard you didn't.

Did you get whiplash watching me

surpass you in every way?

Yeah, and also when I ran into the dog grooming truck.

Ask her about the ride before the late bell rings.

- Are you guys identical? - Almost.

Her eyes are more cat, and mine are more almond.

She hates onions and olives, and I only hate onions..

...and olives.

- That makes sense. - Tessa.

I'd like to commission your services.

I don't offer any services.

You drive.

Yeah, but I don't drive you.

She'll pay you 20 bucks.

[scoffs] Twenty bucks.

Fine. I'll double it.

Fifty bucks.

Check your math.

Check your attitude, hooker.

Will you drive me or not?

Seventy bucks, okay? It's important.

I'd never seen Dalia so desperate.

Maybe she needed a ride to rehab or to the OB/GYN.

Either way, she was clearly reaching out for help

so I did the only thing I could do.

Make it 100, and you buy gas.

Can you break 1,000?

Is that Grover Cleveland?

[bell rings]

Can't you go any faster?

- Not in a school zone. - What if he leaves?

I'm sure he won't leave. What time is your appointment?

I don't have an appointment.

We're going to see Scott Strauss.

- Who's Scott Strauss? - Oh, my God.

That's the dumbest question I've ever heard.

"Who's Scott Strauss?"

Scott Strauss graduated last year and he's, like

the hottest guy to walk the face of the Earth

including Jesus, our pool guy, who's also superhot.

Pass this man. Pass him!

It's a solid yellow line.

Like anyone knows what that is.

You're not even a good backseat driver.

Oh, my God.

My mom would kill me if she knew

I was back on Scott Strauss.

She paid me a thousand ancient dollars

not to jock him.

And yet you continue to jock.

A lot has happened since I made that promise.

Scott broke up with Brianna

and she went on a teen tour and got chlamydia.

Oh, my God! That's it. That's Scott's house.

- Do you want me to stop? - No, you loser. Keep going.

Circle the block. Circle the block!

[sighs] I hate this job.

[knock on door]

Noah? Hey, man.

George?

- You shouldn't be in here. - Oh.

Uh, less it's okay with the patient.

[mumbles]

She says it's okay. What's up?

So...what's going on with my application?

I called the club. They haven't heard from you yet.

They haven't? That's crazy.

So you called?

- No. - 'So what's the deal?'

Do you not want me to join the club?

Because I'm getting a weird vibe from you.

Vibe? What vibe? There is no vibe.

Really? Because last week in the locker room

I borrowed your shampoo, and you shot me this dirty look.

What? Get outta here. There is no dirty look.

This face can't make a dirty look. See?

That's as dirty as it gets.

[chuckles] So you're okay with me joining?

Of course, although you should know

they're gonna make you jump through some hoops.

- Okay. How many hoops? - Mm.

There's the application, uh, the new member interview.

They're gonna make you wear a suit for that.

- So two hoops. - Mm.

Oh, she's right.

There's also an essay.

Why are we doing this again, Dalia?

We're running..

Actually we're fine on gas. It's a Prius.

Every day, we're circling.

We're circling and circling and circling until we see him.

- Or you're fired. - Fine. I'm fired.

This isn't how I want to spend my life anyway.

I'm tired and dizzy, and..

...I have driver's itch.

Look out!

Oh, my God.

I hit somebody.

I'm a reckless driver.

I am a brand-new, reckless driver!

Tessa, you just banged Scott Strauss.

[instrumental music]

♪ Da da da da daa ♪

♪ Hey you ♪ ♪ Hey you ♪

♪ I really wanna know ya ♪ ♪ Da da da da daa ♪

♪ Da da da da daa ♪

♪ Yeah you ♪ ♪ Yeah you ♪

♪ I really wanna know ya ♪ ♪ Da da da da daa ♪

Okay. Stay calm.

Pull over to a safe area.

Exchange insurance information.

Do not assume responsibility.

- And ask him out for me. - Dalia!

I have other problems right now.

You're gonna have a long, blonde problem

if you don't ask out Scott Strauss.

Fifty more bucks.

♪ I really wanna know ya ♪♪

[car door closes]

Hey, are you okay?

I just want you to know I'm not assuming any responsibility.

Don't worry about it. There's no damage.

Although, maybe we should

exchange information just to be safe.

I have your information. You're Scott Strauss.

You drive an A6.

You used to go out with this dumb girl named Brianna

who went on this teen tour and got--

Okay, okay. You already have my information.

So...maybe you should give me yours.

I'm Tessa. I recently moved here from New York.

I like Pad Thai and rear-ending people.

[horn honks]

Sorry. Great gas mileage, but...sporadic honking.

So..

...aren't you curious how I know that stuff about you?

I just figured you were Facebook stalking me.

Me? Stalk you?

No. No, no, no.

Dalia Royce is stalking you. Your next girlfriend.

What makes you think Dalia's my next girlfriend?

Judging from what I know about Brianna, she's your type.

Maybe I have a new type.

You don't.

So should we pick you up around 8:00?

"We?"

I'm Dalia's driver.

Whew.

I'm not doing underwear. That's fine, right?

Close the door.

Marty, I was in the process of closing it

'as you're telling me to close it.'

If you had waited even a half a second

the door would have already been closed.

See? There. Look. It's closed, Marty.

- Everything okay, George? - Not really, dude.

I'm jumping through hoops.

I bought the suit. I wrote the essay.

'Then the office tells me you haven't even bothered'

to fill out the sponsor section.

I walk in here. I find you with Marty.

What's the deal?

Hey, is this a, uh, privates party?

[chuckles]

Look, George, uh, why don't you go

take a cold plunge and calm down?

Well, because I'm not allowed in the cold plunge

Noah, and I think you know that.

Well, you're not allowed in here, either

'but that didn't seem to stop you.'

If you didn't want to sponsor me, why didn't you

just say so? I would have asked Fred.

Fred, would have been happy to sponsor me. Right?

Well, I'd have to ask Sheila, but I suppose so.

And if you're worried about your precious shampoo, don't be.

I won't borrow it again.

To be 100% honest, it robbed my hair of body

and stripped it of shine.

It's not about the shampoo, George.

Oh-ho-hoo, okay. Marty, you heard that?

'Yeah, yeah, It's not about the shampoo'

but it is about something.

He admitted it. He doesn't want me here.

Look, this is why. You're looking at Marty.

I introduced you to Marty. I own Marty!

This is my Marty! Sit down, Marty!

Okay, I get it, so you want me in your club

but you don't want me in your club.

I'm starting to think I don't want you in either.

So why don't you do us all a favor, g-bag?

Grab your dopp kit and go dig your car out of self-parking!

You are a pompous...baby!

You say that again--

Pompous baby!

- That's it. - No!

No!

[grunting]

I got you now.

(George) 'Aah! Get off me!'

[instrumental music]

- Aah. - Dr. Werner, your face!

Noah, relax..

Hey! Hey, get off me, you goon!

[all grunting]

Ohh!

[panting]

[snaps] Ow!

Uh, I've got a 2:00 tee-off

so I'm just gonna head on out of here.

So...Scott said that he would go out with Dalia?

- Mm-hmm. - That's weird.

Why? From what I hear, he's exactly like her.

He is nothing like her.

He just spent the last year

volunteering in Zambia.

He has global awareness.

- Really? - Yeah.

After he broke up with Brianna

Scott deferred Carnegie Mellon

to help sick, impoverished orphans.

He cooked meals, helped build wells.

He mounted a Zambian production of "Pippin"

which I'm told was very well-received.

[chuckles] This guy sounds amazing.

Why would he go out with Dalia? It's such a waste.

He also helped clean up waste.

Another big problem in that country.

[cell phone ringing]

Hello?

[instrumental music]

Oh, hey, Dalia.

I was so busy hearing stories

about Scott Strauss I forgot

I had to pick up Scott Strauss.

And since George took the Prius

we had to resort to plan B.

As in Bentley.

All I could think about as I ran my hands

across the Italian leather steering wheel was

not how many children in Zambia this could feed

but how long would it be before I could afford

a whip like this for myself?

Zambia...is that, like, antidepressant?

Is that the one that gives you diarrhea?

No, it's not.

We're here.

[indistinct conversations]

Look..

...it was really cool what you did

setting me up with Scott

so I just wanted to say..

Thanks?

You're welcome.

And so am I.

It was the first time I had seen Dalia smile.

She looked so...human.

I guess in some strange way, I was happy that she was happy.

Forgot my wallet.

Oh, and I assume you know that the only reason I went

on this date with Dalia was so that I could spend

some more time with you.

Tessa, this is huge.

- I know. - No.

No, you don't. You don't understand.

Scott Strauss likes you.

I know. I told you that.

The losers are winning.

There's my girl.

- Where's your girl? - There.

- You. - So, what?

Like, you guys are, like, friends now?

As Dalia tried to welcome me into a club

I had no intention of joining

George was finding that his club

didn't want him as a member.

Wee so sorry to deny your application.

Deny my application?

Did you read my essay?

We did.

[all clear throats]

But there was a ding.

- A ding? - Somebody dinged you.

And once you've been dinged, I'm afraid you can't be un-dung.

Dang!

I.. Who dinged me?

Y-you know what? Don't even tell me.

It was...it was Noah Werner, wasn't it?

I'm sorry, Mr. Altman. All dings are anonymous.

And that is, of course, to encourage dinging.

[chuckles]

Your application is denied.

Well, George... we gave it our best shot.

So close, too.

You're going to have to leave the club now.

[clears throat]

I've always wanted to visit Africa.

Was the scenery so beautiful you couldn't even catch your breath?

Actually, it was kinda like Chatswin

but with more elephants.

And less cougars?

I don't know, some of those older Zulu women were..

...pretty hot.

[laughs]

Honestly, everything was so vivid.

Like, you look up..

...and there's a totally different moon in the sky.

I wanted to say, "We shouldn't do this."

I wanted to say, "I know Dalia likes you

and even if she and I aren't friends it's still wrong."

But all I actually said was..

Wow.

Congratulations.

What's this?

What's it look like?

It's a membership card. I got you in.

I thought I couldn't be un-dung.

- Un-dung? - You dinged me.

I didn't ding you.

Although I did give you a shiner, didn't I?

Hey, don't-don't-don't kid yourself. That was from Marty.

So why the sudden change of heart?

I thought you didn't want me in your club.

What can I say? I'm a child, alright?

I gave you a toy to play with

and then got upset when you were playing with it.

I'm a flawed person, George. I am.

I want to change. I do.

(whispers) But I'm never going to.

So I got you in the club.

I haven't fought like that since I was a kid

with my brother

which made me realize, you're like family, George.

Well, thanks, Noah.

But..

...to be honest, getting dinged was probably

the best thing that could have happened.

I can't afford the dues to that place.

I can't even afford your shampoo.

You don't have to pay dues.

Like I said, you're family..

...so I added you to my family plan.

What?

[laughs] "George Werner?"

What, you added me as your brother?

Actually, I added you as my son

so please watch your tone with me.

So we're country club people now, huh?

Shouldn't we have people folding these for us?

I wouldn't call us "country club people."

You know, we-we-we belong to a club

that happens to..

...be in...the country.

We're country club people.

Did you ever find out who dinged you?

No. No, and it's driving me crazy.

I hate the idea that there's somebody out there

who has an anonymous problem with me.

Come right out and tell me to my face.

Be a man, you know?

Yeah. I did know.

I had to be a man.

Oh, my gosh, Dalia.

Something so, so exciting just happened.

Your very good friend stopped by unexpectedly to pay you a visit.

- Kimantha? - 'No.'

- Kenzie? - No.

- Kaitlyn? - No, it's--

- Sue? - No.

It's me. Tessa.

Oh...hey.

Can I get you girls anything to drink?

I could whip up some Virgin Marys.

I don't let Dalia have hard liquor on school nights.

No, thanks, Dallas. I'm not staying long.

Okay.

I'm just making a collage of me and Scott Strauss

and Lil Wayne for my locker.

That's kinda what I wanted to talk to you about.

- Weezy? - Scott Strauss.

Dalia, Scott likes someone else

and I wanted you to hear it from me..

...because it's me.

Yeah, right.

I hung out with him yesterday..

...but you liked him first

so I'm not gonna see him anymore.

You think you're doing me some sort of favor..

...letting my boyfriend be my boyfriend?

[scoffs] He's not your boyfriend.

He only went out with you because he likes me.

Tessa, you remind me of Tyler Perry right now.

You're joking, but you're not funny.

I'm not joking.

Although I don't disagree with you about Tyler Perry.

I don't know even know why I came here.

Yeah, it was dumb

and let me spell out just how dumb it was.

D is for Dalia. That's my name.

And U is for you, who snaked Scott Strauss

And M is for Mrs. Scott Strauss.

That's also my name.

You forgot the B.

No, I didn't, beeyotch. Game on.

Fine. Game on..

...beeyotch.

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, Walter, keep your head down out there, alright?

- Ha. Thanks. - What does that even mean?

I don't know, but I heard somebody else say it.

Morning, Mr. Altman.

Hello there, Jocelyn. How are you?

I hear you're a member now. Congratulations.

Yes, I am a member

so I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

Right here in this dining room we will be

but outside of the dining room, not so much.

Club members can't date employees.

It's against the rules.

[inhales deeply]

I'll be right back with some cream.

Ding.

Ding?

[glass clinks]

(whispers) Ding.

Let's face it.

We don't fit in.

We don't look like them.

We don't act like them

and we definitely

don't play by their rules.

But two things, will always be true..

...they poach the hell out of an egg

and I have my driver's license.