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1
00:00:00,333 --> 00:00:02,961
Ready Tess?
2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:05,630
I was born ready.
3
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,257
The next few minutes
would determine
4
00:00:07,298 --> 00:00:09,509
whether I would run free
like a wild coyote
5
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,136
with the wind in my fur
6
00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,013
or stay tied
to the fence like a rabbit--
7
00:00:13,054 --> 00:00:15,181
(George)
'Tessa!'
8
00:00:15,223 --> 00:00:17,183
We have a
scheduled appointment.
9
00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:19,144
Sorry.
10
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:20,895
My last few moments
as a pedestrian.
11
00:00:20,937 --> 00:00:23,440
Cocky. Don't get cocky.
12
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:26,943
Okay. Thank you very much.
Good number.
13
00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:28,528
[chuckles]
14
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,905
- Oh, my gosh!
- Hey!
15
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,324
- What are you guys doing here?
- Antiquing.
16
00:00:33,366 --> 00:00:34,868
Well, Dalia's getting
her driver's license
17
00:00:34,909 --> 00:00:37,120
or so we hope.
Third time's the charm.
18
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,372
You.. Oh, yo-she, uh,
she failed twice already?
19
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:42,709
No, no. God, no.
I'm rounding down from six.
20
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:46,421
These Chatswin
test administrators are t-u-f-f.
21
00:00:46,463 --> 00:00:47,964
They don't let you
hit anything.
22
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,966
(woman on PA)
'Tessa Altman, window 25.'
23
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:52,427
- That's me.
- No, that's me, actually.
24
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:55,055
Okay, check your mirrors. Let
him see you. Check your mirrors.
25
00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,806
Why are you assuming
it's a he?
26
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,892
Okay. Okay, fair enough, but..
27
00:00:58,933 --> 00:01:00,435
...that stereotype exists
28
00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:02,771
for a reason,
so you prove them wrong.
29
00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:04,314
Ow!
30
00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,858
[whispers]
Prove them wrong.
31
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,736
Okay. Here. Uh, oh!
32
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,154
Whoo!
33
00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,489
Sorry.
34
00:01:12,530 --> 00:01:14,616
Whoo. Sorry.
35
00:01:14,657 --> 00:01:17,285
[sighs]
Okay.
36
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,912
It was fun teaching her
to drive, you know?
37
00:01:18,953 --> 00:01:20,622
Oh, my gosh, yes.
38
00:01:20,663 --> 00:01:22,415
I'm quite sure
Carmen feels the same way
39
00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,209
about teaching Dalia.
40
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,336
Although Carmen really
shouldn't be driving.
41
00:01:26,377 --> 00:01:28,046
[whispers]
For so many reasons.
42
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:30,090
(woman on PA)
'Dalia Royce, window 8.'
43
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:38,973
- I think that's me.
- Yeah.
44
00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:41,059
Yep, it is.
45
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,353
- Alright. Go get 'em, darlin'!
- Yes!
46
00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:46,439
Drive or die trying!
47
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:47,482
Maybe that's bad advice.
48
00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,484
[instrumental music]
49
00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:54,697
After acing my road test,
I decided to fake George out
50
00:01:54,739 --> 00:01:56,783
like those "Idol" contestants,
who hide the yellow piece
51
00:01:56,825 --> 00:01:59,119
of paper behind their backs,
even though we totally know
52
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,121
they're going to Hollywood.
53
00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,749
- You're going to Hollywood!
- Whoo!
54
00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,751
[laughs]
Oh, yes!
55
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,419
He said I was perfect.
56
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,879
- My parallel parking.
- Mm!
57
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:11,631
My three-point turn.
58
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:14,384
My choice in radio station.
59
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:15,718
Unh!
60
00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:16,761
College indie?
61
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,680
Smooth jazz. He was old.
62
00:02:18,721 --> 00:02:20,140
So I played to the crowd.
63
00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:21,933
- Very smart.
- Mm!
64
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,977
- How'd Dalia do?
- 'Oh..'
65
00:02:24,018 --> 00:02:25,645
(male #1)
'You're gonna be alright.
Try to keep your head...'
66
00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,188
As expected.
67
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:28,731
I'm telling you,
she didn't use the mirrors.
68
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,692
- Not even a blinker.
- 'I understand.'
69
00:02:30,733 --> 00:02:33,695
[theme song]
70
00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:38,741
♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪
71
00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:41,161
♪ Da da da daa
daa da da daa ♪♪
72
00:02:42,245 --> 00:02:43,496
No highways, no cell phones
73
00:02:43,538 --> 00:02:45,081
and you're not allowed
to go over 50.
74
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,083
And you're not allowed
to act over 50.
75
00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:49,043
Give me the keys.
76
00:02:49,085 --> 00:02:50,545
I'll call you when
I want to be picked up, okay?
77
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:52,130
Are you sure you want me
to leave you here?
78
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,174
You've been here for, like,
five days in a row.
79
00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,759
I can take you to...
a library or something.
80
00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:59,137
They have a library.
81
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,055
I figured since Noah
gave me his guest pass
82
00:03:01,097 --> 00:03:02,849
I might as well
take advantage of it.
83
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:06,186
Oh, George was definitely
taking advantage of it.
84
00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:09,189
[instrumental music]
85
00:03:23,995 --> 00:03:25,496
(male #2)
'Hey, George.'
86
00:03:30,126 --> 00:03:33,129
Hoo! Nothing-nothing
takes it off you
87
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:35,131
like a good steam, right, Marty?
88
00:03:37,675 --> 00:03:39,052
Marty?
89
00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,554
- I'm alive.
- Oh..
90
00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:45,225
Mr. Altman? I'm sorry.
91
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:46,559
This is a little awkward.
92
00:03:46,601 --> 00:03:48,228
Oh, it's fine.
I'm wearing underwear.
93
00:03:48,269 --> 00:03:50,980
I'm sorry to inform you,
your guest pass has expired.
94
00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:53,149
Oh, well, okay.
That's no problem.
95
00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:54,400
Can I just have Noah renew it?
96
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:57,779
"Can I just have Noah renew it?"
97
00:03:57,820 --> 00:04:00,114
Uh, no, you cannot.
Guest passes are nonrenewable.
98
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,200
So I'm afraid this is goodbye.
99
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:03,451
Can I just finish my steam?
100
00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,036
I couldn't just finish my steam?
101
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,789
Brutal, buddy.
Mind taking a step back?
102
00:04:07,830 --> 00:04:09,207
You're dripping
all over my gorditas.
103
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,250
So isn't there
something you can do?
104
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,960
Well, the guest membership thing
105
00:04:12,001 --> 00:04:13,419
was always temporary.
106
00:04:13,461 --> 00:04:14,629
Had to end sometime, and frankly
107
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:16,047
I'm surprised
they let it go so long.
108
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,049
Hey, why don't you
join the club, George?
109
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,301
Fred, why don't you have
another Arnold Palmer
110
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:21,636
and enjoy your own business?
111
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:22,679
Oh, don't mind if I do.
112
00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:24,264
Maybe I should just join.
113
00:04:24,305 --> 00:04:26,015
H-half the business I've done
since I moved here
114
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,725
came from contacts
I made in this place.
115
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:29,602
Membership practically
pays for itself.
116
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:31,562
Well, I don't know
about that, Fred.
117
00:04:31,604 --> 00:04:33,982
So what do you think, Noah?
Will you sponsor me?
118
00:04:34,023 --> 00:04:35,900
[chuckling]
Oh, will I?
119
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,151
Yes, will you?
120
00:04:37,193 --> 00:04:38,861
[laughing]
Now don't be crazy.
121
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,698
So that's a yes?
122
00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,616
[laughing]
Is it? I don't know.
123
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,910
George, it goes
against all of my
124
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:47,870
best instincts to tell you this
125
00:04:47,912 --> 00:04:49,789
but management says..
126
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:52,667
...you can't be in here
without clothes on.
127
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,252
Alright. I'm-I'm going.
128
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,337
Yeah, not with that robe,
you're not.
129
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:58,089
Sorry. Club rules.
130
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,716
[chuckles]
131
00:04:59,757 --> 00:05:00,842
Suddenly, I was at the top
132
00:05:00,883 --> 00:05:02,051
of the High School food chain.
133
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:03,386
I was a driver.
134
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:05,388
Heard you passed
your driver's test.
135
00:05:07,098 --> 00:05:08,182
Heard you didn't.
136
00:05:08,224 --> 00:05:09,267
Did you get whiplash watching me
137
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,103
surpass you in every way?
138
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:15,148
Yeah, and also when I ran
into the dog grooming truck.
139
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:19,027
Ask her about the ride
before the late bell rings.
140
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:21,112
- Are you guys identical?
- Almost.
141
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:24,365
Her eyes are more cat,
and mine are more almond.
142
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:28,536
She hates onions and olives,
and I only hate onions..
143
00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:30,330
...and olives.
144
00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,540
- That makes sense.
- Tessa.
145
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,125
I'd like to commission
your services.
146
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,543
I don't offer any services.
147
00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:36,753
You drive.
148
00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:39,422
Yeah, but I don't drive you.
149
00:05:39,464 --> 00:05:40,673
She'll pay you 20 bucks.
150
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,884
[scoffs]
Twenty bucks.
151
00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:45,762
Fine. I'll double it.
152
00:05:45,803 --> 00:05:47,388
Fifty bucks.
153
00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:48,598
Check your math.
154
00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,725
Check your attitude, hooker.
155
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,727
Will you drive me or not?
156
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:56,856
Seventy bucks, okay?
It's important.
157
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,275
I'd never seen
Dalia so desperate.
158
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:02,612
Maybe she needed a ride
to rehab or to the OB/GYN.
159
00:06:02,653 --> 00:06:05,239
Either way, she was clearly
reaching out for help
160
00:06:05,281 --> 00:06:07,492
so I did the only thing
I could do.
161
00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,577
Make it 100, and you buy gas.
162
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,334
Can you break 1,000?
163
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,587
Is that Grover Cleveland?
164
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:22,590
[bell rings]
165
00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:27,470
Can't you go any faster?
166
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:29,180
- Not in a school zone.
- What if he leaves?
167
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,765
I'm sure he won't leave.
What time is your appointment?
168
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:32,642
I don't have an appointment.
169
00:06:32,683 --> 00:06:34,519
We're going
to see Scott Strauss.
170
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,646
- Who's Scott Strauss?
- Oh, my God.
171
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:38,356
That's the dumbest question
I've ever heard.
172
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,774
"Who's Scott Strauss?"
173
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,734
Scott Strauss graduated
last year and he's, like
174
00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,361
the hottest guy
to walk the face of the Earth
175
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,364
including Jesus, our pool guy,
who's also superhot.
176
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:47,698
Pass this man. Pass him!
177
00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:49,283
It's a solid yellow line.
178
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:50,993
Like anyone knows what that is.
179
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,829
You're not even
a good backseat driver.
180
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:53,871
Oh, my God.
181
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:55,081
My mom would kill me if she knew
182
00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,541
I was back on Scott Strauss.
183
00:06:56,582 --> 00:06:58,000
She paid me a thousand
ancient dollars
184
00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,710
not to jock him.
185
00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:01,170
And yet you continue to jock.
186
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,381
A lot has happened
since I made that promise.
187
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,924
Scott broke up with Brianna
188
00:07:04,966 --> 00:07:07,051
and she went on a teen tour
and got chlamydia.
189
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,221
Oh, my God! That's it.
That's Scott's house.
190
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:12,723
- Do you want me to stop?
- No, you loser. Keep going.
191
00:07:12,765 --> 00:07:15,184
Circle the block.
Circle the block!
192
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,770
[sighs]
I hate this job.
193
00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:20,648
[knock on door]
194
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:21,691
Noah? Hey, man.
195
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:22,984
George?
196
00:07:23,025 --> 00:07:24,694
- You shouldn't be in here.
- Oh.
197
00:07:24,735 --> 00:07:26,612
Uh, less it's okay
with the patient.
198
00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:28,072
[mumbles]
199
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:29,574
She says it's okay. What's up?
200
00:07:29,615 --> 00:07:31,576
So...what's going on
with my application?
201
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:33,369
I called the club.
They haven't heard from you yet.
202
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:36,080
They haven't? That's crazy.
203
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,206
So you called?
204
00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:38,541
- No.
- 'So what's the deal?'
205
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,042
Do you not want me
to join the club?
206
00:07:40,084 --> 00:07:41,836
Because I'm getting
a weird vibe from you.
207
00:07:41,878 --> 00:07:43,713
Vibe? What vibe?
There is no vibe.
208
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:46,591
Really? Because last week
in the locker room
209
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:49,385
I borrowed your shampoo,
and you shot me this dirty look.
210
00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:52,430
What? Get outta here.
There is no dirty look.
211
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,849
This face can't make
a dirty look. See?
212
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,351
That's as dirty as it gets.
213
00:07:57,393 --> 00:07:59,145
[chuckles]
So you're okay with me joining?
214
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,147
Of course,
although you should know
215
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,316
they're gonna make you
jump through some hoops.
216
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:04,859
- Okay. How many hoops?
- Mm.
217
00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:08,404
There's the application,
uh, the new member interview.
218
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,239
They're gonna make you
wear a suit for that.
219
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:12,241
- So two hoops.
- Mm.
220
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,410
Oh, she's right.
221
00:08:14,452 --> 00:08:15,912
There's also an essay.
222
00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,039
Why are we
doing this again, Dalia?
223
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,540
We're running..
224
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:21,876
Actually we're fine on gas.
It's a Prius.
225
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,836
Every day, we're circling.
226
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:26,964
We're circling and circling
and circling until we see him.
227
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:29,759
- Or you're fired.
- Fine. I'm fired.
228
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,344
This isn't how I want
to spend my life anyway.
229
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:34,430
I'm tired and dizzy, and..
230
00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:35,598
...I have driver's itch.
231
00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:36,807
Look out!
232
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,685
Oh, my God.
233
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:40,853
I hit somebody.
234
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:42,146
I'm a reckless driver.
235
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,814
I am a brand-new,
reckless driver!
236
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:48,027
Tessa, you just banged
Scott Strauss.
237
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,654
[instrumental music]
238
00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:52,532
♪ Da da da da daa ♪
239
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:54,450
♪ Hey you ♪
♪ Hey you ♪
240
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:56,953
♪ I really wanna know ya ♪
♪ Da da da da daa ♪
241
00:08:56,994 --> 00:08:59,205
♪ Da da da da daa ♪
242
00:08:59,247 --> 00:09:01,040
♪ Yeah you ♪
♪ Yeah you ♪
243
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:03,501
♪ I really wanna know ya ♪
♪ Da da da da daa ♪
244
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,799
Okay. Stay calm.
245
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:11,926
Pull over to a safe area.
246
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,761
Exchange insurance information.
247
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,222
Do not assume responsibility.
248
00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:17,765
- And ask him out for me.
- Dalia!
249
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:20,059
I have other problems right now.
250
00:09:20,101 --> 00:09:22,520
You're gonna have
a long, blonde problem
251
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:26,357
if you don't ask out
Scott Strauss.
252
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,525
Fifty more bucks.
253
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,527
♪ I really wanna know ya ♪♪
254
00:09:31,028 --> 00:09:32,613
[car door closes]
255
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,448
Hey, are you okay?
256
00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,243
I just want you to know I'm not
assuming any responsibility.
257
00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:39,829
Don't worry about it.
There's no damage.
258
00:09:39,870 --> 00:09:41,330
Although, maybe we should
259
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:42,832
exchange information
just to be safe.
260
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:44,792
I have your information.
You're Scott Strauss.
261
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,544
You drive an A6.
262
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,504
You used to go out with
this dumb girl named Brianna
263
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:49,839
who went on this
teen tour and got--
264
00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:52,925
Okay, okay. You already
have my information.
265
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,720
So...maybe you should
give me yours.
266
00:09:55,761 --> 00:09:58,973
I'm Tessa. I recently
moved here from New York.
267
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:02,393
I like Pad Thai
and rear-ending people.
268
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,186
[horn honks]
269
00:10:04,228 --> 00:10:08,024
Sorry. Great gas mileage,
but...sporadic honking.
270
00:10:08,065 --> 00:10:09,567
So..
271
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:11,611
...aren't you curious
how I know that stuff about you?
272
00:10:11,652 --> 00:10:13,654
I just figured you were
Facebook stalking me.
273
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,782
Me? Stalk you?
274
00:10:16,824 --> 00:10:19,535
No. No, no, no.
275
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,330
Dalia Royce is stalking you.
Your next girlfriend.
276
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,415
What makes you think Dalia's
my next girlfriend?
277
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:28,169
Judging from what I know
about Brianna, she's your type.
278
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:29,253
Maybe I have a new type.
279
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:31,922
You don't.
280
00:10:31,964 --> 00:10:33,382
So should we
pick you up around 8:00?
281
00:10:33,424 --> 00:10:34,884
"We?"
282
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:36,886
I'm Dalia's driver.
283
00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:43,100
Whew.
284
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:44,810
I'm not doing underwear.
That's fine, right?
285
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,273
Close the door.
286
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:51,609
Marty, I was in the process
of closing it
287
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:52,985
'as you're telling me
to close it.'
288
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:54,445
If you had waited
even a half a second
289
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,072
the door would
have already been closed.
290
00:10:56,113 --> 00:10:59,325
See? There. Look.
It's closed, Marty.
291
00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,994
- Everything okay, George?
- Not really, dude.
292
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:03,329
I'm jumping through hoops.
293
00:11:03,371 --> 00:11:05,373
I bought the suit.
I wrote the essay.
294
00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:07,124
'Then the office tells me
you haven't even bothered'
295
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,126
to fill out the sponsor section.
296
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:11,671
I walk in here.
I find you with Marty.
297
00:11:11,712 --> 00:11:12,880
What's the deal?
298
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,633
Hey, is this a,
uh, privates party?
299
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,635
[chuckles]
300
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,470
Look, George,
uh, why don't you go
301
00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,681
take a cold plunge
and calm down?
302
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,766
Well, because I'm not allowed
in the cold plunge
303
00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:25,142
Noah, and I think you know that.
304
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:26,602
Well, you're not allowed
in here, either
305
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:28,187
'but that didn't seem
to stop you.'
306
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:29,647
If you didn't want
to sponsor me, why didn't you
307
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,273
just say so?
I would have asked Fred.
308
00:11:31,315 --> 00:11:33,984
Fred, would have been happy
to sponsor me. Right?
309
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:36,570
Well, I'd have to ask Sheila,
but I suppose so.
310
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:40,199
And if you're worried about
your precious shampoo, don't be.
311
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,867
I won't borrow it again.
312
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:44,453
To be 100% honest,
it robbed my hair of body
313
00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:45,746
and stripped it of shine.
314
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,331
It's not about
the shampoo, George.
315
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:49,583
Oh-ho-hoo, okay.
Marty, you heard that?
316
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:50,835
'Yeah, yeah,
It's not about the shampoo'
317
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,169
but it is about something.
318
00:11:52,211 --> 00:11:53,754
He admitted it.
He doesn't want me here.
319
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,798
Look, this is why.
You're looking at Marty.
320
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:57,967
I introduced you to Marty.
I own Marty!
321
00:11:58,008 --> 00:12:00,636
This is my Marty!
Sit down, Marty!
322
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:02,763
Okay, I get it,
so you want me in your club
323
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,390
but you don't want me
in your club.
324
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,809
I'm starting to think
I don't want you in either.
325
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,562
So why don't you do us
all a favor, g-bag?
326
00:12:09,603 --> 00:12:13,816
Grab your dopp kit and go dig
your car out of self-parking!
327
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:17,528
You are a pompous...baby!
328
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,654
You say that again--
329
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,197
Pompous baby!
330
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:21,866
- That's it.
- No!
331
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:22,908
No!
332
00:12:22,950 --> 00:12:25,911
[grunting]
333
00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:31,751
I got you now.
334
00:12:31,792 --> 00:12:33,919
(George)
'Aah! Get off me!'
335
00:12:33,961 --> 00:12:36,922
[instrumental music]
336
00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,262
- Aah.
- Dr. Werner, your face!
337
00:12:43,304 --> 00:12:45,055
Noah, relax..
338
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:47,141
Hey! Hey, get off me, you goon!
339
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:50,144
[all grunting]
340
00:12:51,937 --> 00:12:53,189
Ohh!
341
00:12:53,230 --> 00:12:54,231
[panting]
342
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,109
[snaps]
Ow!
343
00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:59,236
Uh, I've got a 2:00 tee-off
344
00:12:59,278 --> 00:13:01,906
so I'm just gonna
head on out of here.
345
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:05,284
So...Scott said that
he would go out with Dalia?
346
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,453
- Mm-hmm.
- That's weird.
347
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,955
Why? From what I hear,
he's exactly like her.
348
00:13:09,997 --> 00:13:10,998
He is nothing like her.
349
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,124
He just spent the last year
350
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,752
volunteering in Zambia.
351
00:13:14,794 --> 00:13:15,878
He has global awareness.
352
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,463
- Really?
- Yeah.
353
00:13:17,505 --> 00:13:18,714
After he broke up with Brianna
354
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,049
Scott deferred Carnegie Mellon
355
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:21,884
to help sick,
impoverished orphans.
356
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,844
He cooked meals,
helped build wells.
357
00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,805
He mounted a Zambian
production of "Pippin"
358
00:13:25,846 --> 00:13:27,681
which I'm told
was very well-received.
359
00:13:27,723 --> 00:13:30,851
[chuckles]
This guy sounds amazing.
360
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,687
Why would he go out
with Dalia? It's such a waste.
361
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,815
He also helped clean up waste.
362
00:13:35,856 --> 00:13:37,858
Another big problem
in that country.
363
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,860
[cell phone ringing]
364
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,071
Hello?
365
00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:44,240
[instrumental music]
366
00:13:44,281 --> 00:13:45,449
Oh, hey, Dalia.
367
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:46,617
I was so busy hearing stories
368
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,160
about Scott Strauss I forgot
369
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,787
I had to pick up Scott Strauss.
370
00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:51,497
And since George
took the Prius
371
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,790
we had to resort to plan B.
372
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:56,544
As in Bentley.
373
00:13:56,585 --> 00:13:58,629
All I could think about
as I ran my hands
374
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,923
across the Italian leather
steering wheel was
375
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,217
not how many children
in Zambia this could feed
376
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,844
but how long would it be
before I could afford
377
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,554
a whip like this for myself?
378
00:14:06,595 --> 00:14:11,141
Zambia...is that,
like, antidepressant?
379
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,395
Is that the one
that gives you diarrhea?
380
00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:15,855
No, it's not.
381
00:14:17,606 --> 00:14:19,859
We're here.
382
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,238
[indistinct conversations]
383
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,366
Look..
384
00:14:27,408 --> 00:14:28,450
...it was really cool
what you did
385
00:14:28,492 --> 00:14:29,493
setting me up with Scott
386
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:31,495
so I just wanted to say..
387
00:14:35,416 --> 00:14:36,792
Thanks?
388
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:38,335
You're welcome.
389
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:41,005
And so am I.
390
00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,382
It was the first time
I had seen Dalia smile.
391
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:45,593
She looked so...human.
392
00:14:47,469 --> 00:14:50,306
I guess in some strange way,
I was happy that she was happy.
393
00:14:54,226 --> 00:14:56,687
Forgot my wallet.
394
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,648
Oh, and I assume you know
that the only reason I went
395
00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:01,275
on this date with Dalia
was so that I could spend
396
00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,651
some more time with you.
397
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,487
Tessa, this is huge.
398
00:15:05,529 --> 00:15:06,822
- I know.
- No.
399
00:15:06,864 --> 00:15:07,865
No, you don't.
You don't understand.
400
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,618
Scott Strauss likes you.
401
00:15:10,659 --> 00:15:12,703
I know. I told you that.
402
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,163
The losers are winning.
403
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:16,165
There's my girl.
404
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,585
- Where's your girl?
- There.
405
00:15:19,627 --> 00:15:21,795
- You.
- So, what?
406
00:15:21,837 --> 00:15:24,340
Like, you guys are,
like, friends now?
407
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,386
As Dalia tried
to welcome me into a club
408
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:31,263
I had no intention of joining
409
00:15:31,305 --> 00:15:32,848
George was finding
that his club
410
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:34,224
didn't want him as a member.
411
00:15:34,266 --> 00:15:36,393
Wee so sorry to deny
your application.
412
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:38,520
Deny my application?
413
00:15:38,562 --> 00:15:39,563
Did you read my essay?
414
00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,941
We did.
415
00:15:41,982 --> 00:15:43,943
[all clear throats]
416
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,361
But there was a ding.
417
00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,237
- A ding?
- Somebody dinged you.
418
00:15:47,279 --> 00:15:50,115
And once you've been dinged,
I'm afraid you can't be un-dung.
419
00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:52,534
Dang!
420
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,411
I.. Who dinged me?
421
00:15:54,453 --> 00:15:55,788
Y-you know what?
Don't even tell me.
422
00:15:55,829 --> 00:15:57,289
It was...it was Noah Werner,
wasn't it?
423
00:15:57,331 --> 00:16:00,751
I'm sorry, Mr. Altman.
All dings are anonymous.
424
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,212
And that is, of course,
to encourage dinging.
425
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:04,797
[chuckles]
426
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,466
Your application is denied.
427
00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,885
Well, George...
we gave it our best shot.
428
00:16:09,927 --> 00:16:11,512
So close, too.
429
00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:13,347
You're going to have to
leave the club now.
430
00:16:13,389 --> 00:16:15,182
[clears throat]
431
00:16:15,224 --> 00:16:18,102
I've always wanted
to visit Africa.
432
00:16:18,143 --> 00:16:20,562
Was the scenery so beautiful you
couldn't even catch your breath?
433
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,400
Actually, it was
kinda like Chatswin
434
00:16:24,441 --> 00:16:27,027
but with more elephants.
435
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,196
And less cougars?
436
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:32,157
I don't know, some of those
older Zulu women were..
437
00:16:32,199 --> 00:16:33,283
...pretty hot.
438
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:35,953
[laughs]
439
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,914
Honestly,
everything was so vivid.
440
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,791
Like, you look up..
441
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,293
...and there's a totally
different moon in the sky.
442
00:16:43,335 --> 00:16:45,254
I wanted to say,
"We shouldn't do this."
443
00:16:45,295 --> 00:16:47,923
I wanted to say,
"I know Dalia likes you
444
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,467
and even if she and I aren't
friends it's still wrong."
445
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:52,302
But all I actually said was..
446
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,345
Wow.
447
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:00,144
Congratulations.
448
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:01,270
What's this?
449
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:02,813
What's it look like?
450
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,440
It's a membership card.
I got you in.
451
00:17:04,481 --> 00:17:06,817
I thought I couldn't be un-dung.
452
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,652
- Un-dung?
- You dinged me.
453
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,654
I didn't ding you.
454
00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,865
Although I did give you
a shiner, didn't I?
455
00:17:12,906 --> 00:17:16,076
Hey, don't-don't-don't kid
yourself. That was from Marty.
456
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,494
So why the sudden
change of heart?
457
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:18,954
I thought you didn't want me
in your club.
458
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:21,582
What can I say?
I'm a child, alright?
459
00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:23,876
I gave you a toy to play with
460
00:17:23,917 --> 00:17:27,337
and then got upset
when you were playing with it.
461
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,214
I'm a flawed person, George.
I am.
462
00:17:29,256 --> 00:17:31,133
I want to change. I do.
463
00:17:32,426 --> 00:17:34,636
(whispers)
But I'm never going to.
464
00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:36,430
So I got you in the club.
465
00:17:36,472 --> 00:17:37,723
I haven't fought like that
since I was a kid
466
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,183
with my brother
467
00:17:39,224 --> 00:17:42,269
which made me realize,
you're like family, George.
468
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:45,814
Well, thanks, Noah.
469
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,316
But..
470
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:49,651
...to be honest,
getting dinged was probably
471
00:17:49,693 --> 00:17:51,028
the best thing
that could have happened.
472
00:17:51,070 --> 00:17:52,863
I can't afford the dues
to that place.
473
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:54,740
I can't even afford
your shampoo.
474
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:56,200
You don't have to pay dues.
475
00:17:56,241 --> 00:17:59,536
Like I said, you're family..
476
00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,955
...so I added you
to my family plan.
477
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:03,123
What?
478
00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:05,542
[laughs]
"George Werner?"
479
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:07,044
What, you added me
as your brother?
480
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,921
Actually,
I added you as my son
481
00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:11,423
so please
watch your tone with me.
482
00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:14,885
So we're country club
people now, huh?
483
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,137
Shouldn't we have people
folding these for us?
484
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,306
I wouldn't call us
"country club people."
485
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:22,101
You know,
we-we-we belong to a club
486
00:18:22,142 --> 00:18:24,645
that happens to..
487
00:18:24,686 --> 00:18:27,106
...be in...the country.
488
00:18:28,899 --> 00:18:31,068
We're country club people.
489
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,694
Did you ever find out
who dinged you?
490
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:34,696
No. No, and it's
driving me crazy.
491
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:36,865
I hate the idea that
there's somebody out there
492
00:18:36,907 --> 00:18:39,034
who has an anonymous
problem with me.
493
00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,577
Come right out
and tell me to my face.
494
00:18:40,619 --> 00:18:42,830
Be a man, you know?
495
00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:45,582
Yeah. I did know.
496
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:46,959
I had to be a man.
497
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:54,883
Oh, my gosh, Dalia.
498
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,969
Something so,
so exciting just happened.
499
00:18:57,010 --> 00:19:00,472
Your very good friend stopped by
unexpectedly to pay you a visit.
500
00:19:00,514 --> 00:19:01,765
- Kimantha?
- 'No.'
501
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:02,808
- Kenzie?
- No.
502
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,101
- Kaitlyn?
- No, it's--
503
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,144
- Sue?
- No.
504
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:07,771
It's me. Tessa.
505
00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:10,482
Oh...hey.
506
00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,276
Can I get you girls
anything to drink?
507
00:19:12,317 --> 00:19:14,444
I could whip up
some Virgin Marys.
508
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,864
I don't let Dalia have
hard liquor on school nights.
509
00:19:16,905 --> 00:19:19,074
No, thanks, Dallas.
I'm not staying long.
510
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,742
Okay.
511
00:19:20,784 --> 00:19:23,871
I'm just making a collage
of me and Scott Strauss
512
00:19:23,912 --> 00:19:25,455
and Lil Wayne for my locker.
513
00:19:25,497 --> 00:19:27,666
That's kinda what I wanted
to talk to you about.
514
00:19:27,708 --> 00:19:30,502
- Weezy?
- Scott Strauss.
515
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:33,505
Dalia, Scott likes someone else
516
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,550
and I wanted you
to hear it from me..
517
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:37,926
...because it's me.
518
00:19:39,928 --> 00:19:41,722
Yeah, right.
519
00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:43,682
I hung out with him yesterday..
520
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:45,058
...but you liked him first
521
00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:47,144
so I'm not gonna
see him anymore.
522
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,396
You think you're doing me
some sort of favor..
523
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,939
...letting my boyfriend
be my boyfriend?
524
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:54,818
[scoffs]
He's not your boyfriend.
525
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,570
He only went out with you
because he likes me.
526
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:59,865
Tessa, you remind me
of Tyler Perry right now.
527
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,366
You're joking,
but you're not funny.
528
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:03,869
I'm not joking.
529
00:20:03,911 --> 00:20:06,538
Although I don't disagree
with you about Tyler Perry.
530
00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:08,332
I don't know even know
why I came here.
531
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,083
Yeah, it was dumb
532
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,461
and let me spell out
just how dumb it was.
533
00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:15,088
D is for Dalia.
That's my name.
534
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:18,133
And U is for you,
who snaked Scott Strauss
535
00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,135
And M is
for Mrs. Scott Strauss.
536
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,428
That's also my name.
537
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:22,804
You forgot the B.
538
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:25,933
No, I didn't, beeyotch. Game on.
539
00:20:25,974 --> 00:20:29,853
Fine. Game on..
540
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:31,521
...beeyotch.
541
00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:37,444
[indistinct chattering]
542
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:40,113
Hey, Walter, keep your
head down out there, alright?
543
00:20:40,155 --> 00:20:42,366
- Ha. Thanks.
- What does that even mean?
544
00:20:42,407 --> 00:20:44,368
I don't know, but I heard
somebody else say it.
545
00:20:46,328 --> 00:20:47,579
Morning, Mr. Altman.
546
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:49,790
Hello there, Jocelyn.
How are you?
547
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,167
I hear you're a member now.
Congratulations.
548
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:53,710
Yes, I am a member
549
00:20:53,752 --> 00:20:55,212
so I guess we'll be seeing
a lot of each other.
550
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,713
Right here in this
dining room we will be
551
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:59,883
but outside of the dining
room, not so much.
552
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,260
Club members
can't date employees.
553
00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:02,302
It's against the rules.
554
00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:03,428
[inhales deeply]
555
00:21:03,470 --> 00:21:04,888
I'll be right back
with some cream.
556
00:21:08,725 --> 00:21:09,893
Ding.
557
00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:10,978
Ding?
558
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:12,813
[glass clinks]
559
00:21:14,481 --> 00:21:15,524
(whispers)
Ding.
560
00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:16,566
Let's face it.
561
00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:17,985
We don't fit in.
562
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:19,236
We don't look like them.
563
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,445
We don't act like them
564
00:21:20,487 --> 00:21:21,488
and we definitely
565
00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,031
don't play by their rules.
566
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,616
But two things,
will always be true..
567
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,119
...they poach the hell
out of an egg
568
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:29,204
and I have my driver's license.
40409
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