Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

(Tessa) Here in the suburbs, people do

whatever they can to avoid getting old.

[hissing]

And my dad was no exception.

[grunts]

Gray chest hair.

So that's what it's come to.

Hey, can we get some sugar cereal, George?

Do you have any idea how long it's been

since I've seen a leprechaun or a cap'n?

Tell me the truth. Do I look old enough to have a 16-year-old?

- Oh, here we go. - Sixteen.

I can't believe you're turning 16 this weekend. My little girl.

That's a little bit more sugar than I was hoping for.

Come on, Tessa. Aren't you excited about it?

- Don't you want a party? - I'm having a party.

Lisa and Malik are coming over for pizza.

Ugh. Boo! Come on. This is your 16th birthday.

- 'Let's go big.' - Okay, fine.

We'll order the extra large.

Hey, if you're worried about money, don't be.

'Things are picking up for me.'

I can afford to spoil my only daughter a little.

I've got some very good ideas for your present.

Can one of 'em be that you don't pick it out?

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da ♪♪

[instrumental music]

When shopping in the suburbs

there's only one place that has everything

a girl could want for her birthday.

Plus, leprechaun cereal...and meat.

That's a lot of bath tissue.

Always good to be prepared.

- I cannot believe! - What?

They put Average Shelf Life in the clearance bin.

That is exactly what is wrong with this place.

$4.99. You know, I-I gotta say, I was willing to spend $6.

I already downloaded it, but now, I have the liner notes.

These guys are, like, the best indie band ever.

They have an oboe.

Really?

Ear hair trimmers? Are these ours?

- Just...you need it. - I d-I don't have hairy ears.

(Dallas) 'Look, who it is!'

- Ha ha, hey, guys! - Hey.

Oh, I hate to bump into people

when I'm not wearing any makeup.

Don't look at me. I'm a wreck.

You have a veiny forehead.

Isn't this place just the best?

I mean, where else can you buy mayonnaise

and nail polish remover?

Any...store.

Yes, but not so very much of it.

[gasps] Oh! What are you campers shopping for?

Oh, nothing, just, a present for Tessa's 16th birthday.

[gasping] Oh! Tessa's turning sweet 16. Oh, my God.

That's huge! Tell me all about your party.

Don't leave out a single detail.

Okay, details. Uh, let's see.

A couple friends are coming over for pizza and a movie.

- And? - And we might not do the movie.

No. No. No! No! No!

- Did you hear that, Dalia? - No.

You gotta go big, make it an event.

That's what I said, but, uh, you know

she wants to keep it low-key.

It's true. This is all want.

They are my favorite band.

For serious?

Let me see this.

Oh, my husband's colleague owns this label

and a major taco franchise

and a white tiger or a Bengal.

I'm not sure.

But, anyway, it's too bad that you're not having a big party

'cause if you were, he could probably get 'em to play.

Wait. Average Shelf Life?

You cannot get ASL to play at my party.

Well, not for two buddies and a pizza

but if it were a big event--

Who said two buddies a pizza? No buddies and a pizza.

We're going big.

- Aren't we going big, George? - Well, you did say--

I said we're going big. That's what I said.

Two buddies and a pizza. Pfft.

George?

♪ Here come the mannequins ♪

♪ Avert your eyes avert your eyes ♪

♪ Tall and cruel and terrible ♪

♪ No common ground no common ground ♪♪

Do you hear an oboe?

What exactly are they singing about?

I don't know.

Uh, I think a prostitute who becomes a..

...scientist or something. I couldn't follow.

- Oh! We're old. - We're not old.

It's just.. They're not good.

[chuckles] We're old, George. We are.

I found a gray chest hair last week.

That-that doesn't mean anything.

Young people get those all the time.

I looked it up.

How much time do you think we have left?

Would you stop it? We're not going anywhere.

- We're young. We're healthy. - I'm tan.

- And you always will be. - Alright.

- We're gorgeous, buddy! - We're gonna live forever!

[tires screeching]

[chuckling]

Ow!

'Ow!'

[groaning]

- 'Oh!' - Is it a bee sting?

- A cut? - Did you touch poison ivy?

- Is it a fever? - A rash?

- Are you choking? - Can you speak?

Yes. No. Don't touch.. Don't touch me, please.

- It's my back. - It's okay, George. I'm here.

Everything's gonna be fine. Ladies, you can go now.

- I've got this under control. - Oh.

- Okay. - Gonna be fine.

I said I've got this, Lucille!

Everything's gonna be o-kay.

Tessa?

Don't tell me.

You didn't get the band, did you?

No...but...I got the band!

You got Average Shelf Life?

Average Shelf Life? That's the band you wanted?

- Yeah. - Shoot.

- 'Cause that's the band I got! - Stop doing that!

Now, all you need is a top-notch party planner

to whip it together in time and I know

someone who's smart, stylish, well-connected

and happens to be standing right in front of you.

Wow! You'd really help plan my party too?

Me? No.

Dalia.

- Hey. - Oh. Pfft.

No.

- No, no, no. - Hey, hey, hey.

Let me tell you something, Tessa.

Ever since Dalia failed her career aptitude test

her dad's been leaning on me to make sure she has one.

- A career? - An aptitude.

And I'm pretty sure this is it.

- It is. - It's it!

Plus, I'd consider this a real solid

which I don't mind asking you for

being as that I just did you an even realer solid

with the whole band thing and all.

What do you think?

Well, when you put it like that, how can I say no?

You can't! Aah!

Mm-hmm.

I had a few thoughts.

Sort of a jumping-off point of how I want my party to look.

Wait. Let me get a pencil.

I couldn't think of a single worse person

to plan my party but...at least Dalia seemed willing to listen.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Ready.

Okay, uh..

When I was living in New York my friend Oskar had this..

...rooftop soiree, where they, uh..

...grilled yakitori on a hibachi.

Yeah, I don't like any of those words.

So, listen, here's what we're gonna do.

First of all, it's gonna be at the Country Club.

I'm thinking monochromatic, two-tone colors

with a bunch of different colors.

'I also want to have a pony station'

'where you can take pictures with a pony.'

Yup, Dalia was listening alright

but only to herself.

Now, let's talk go-go cages.

I don't want go-go cages at my party.

I don't know why they have to be in cages.

When I was a boy, women danced free-range.

I can't believe I agreed to let Dalia plan my party.

Trust me, years from now, all you're gonna remember

is the good stuff, that the band you love

played at your 16th birthday.

I got mono on my 16th birthday, and the only thing I remember

is kissing the girl who gave it to me.

- What was her name? - I don't remember.

Because it was nine million years ago?

Yes, because it was nine million years ago.

You're getting meaner in your old age. Do you know that?

[groans]

Easy, easy, easy.

Shh-shh-shh!

Tessa, your father is still in the Sheila Shay ICU.

And I see you are disturbing him.

- Here's your pill, George. - Thank you.

I don't know what I would have done without you, Sheila.

- You probably would have died. - Ha ha ha.

[doorbell dings]

- I'll get that. - Okay.

[sighs] That woman has been amazing.

Promise me she hasn't given you a sponge bath.

I can't promise you anything.

What are you taking?

Pain pills from Sheila's hysterectomy.

Did you know they saved two thirds of one of her ovaries?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a documentary

about dolphin murder. So, I can forget that image.

- Hello, Dallas. - Hi, Sheila.

I brought George some chicken soup.

My housekeeper made it, but I paid for the ingredients.

How nice. I'll definitely see that he gets it.

Actually, I thought I'd give it to him myself and say, hi.

That's sweet that you think he'd like to see you

but I'm gonna have to say no.

Don't do this, Sheila. Not again.

I am sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, please. You mother until you smother.

I did not kill Tom Jesperson!

(Dallas) 'Oh, no, it was just you there for'

'three and a half weeks, taking care of him.'

(Sheila) 'He needed help. He had sciatica!'

- 'You don't die of sciatica!' - 'Visiting hours are over!'

[door slams]

Ugh!

Relax.

Mommy's here.

So, at what point in the party were you

thinking of doing the freeze dance?

Yeah, 'cause I just got the robot down, so..

Sorry, guys. There's no freeze dance.

I knew it. Three days wasted.

It never hurts to practice, right?

- Trust your instincts, Lisa. - Alright, biatch.

Time to go dress shopping for your party.

And if I decline?

Then you won't see your band again...alive.

You mean "live."

[instrumental music]

See you guys later, apparently.

Time to go dress shopping, biatch.

Can they just leave school like that?

Probably not. We have, like, four periods left.

Yeah.

Wake up.

- Wakey, wakey. - Huh?

You've got a visitor, sleepy puss.

[chuckling] Hey, buddy.

Look who's sleeping on the job.

- God.. - Oh-h.

He's in a lot of pain, poor bunny.

- He can barely talk. - I can ba..

Shh, shh! Buddy, buddy, buddy.

'Here. Scoot over.'

Just listen to me, alright?

I need you to help me move a sofa.

[laughs] I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

But seriously, you know how you are throwing that

sweet 16 party for Tessa?

- She's gonna kill me. - I know.

These things can be expensive, but I was thinking

because I'm a cosmetic dentist and this party is gonna be

crawling with insecure teenagers with all kinds of dental needs

what if my practice sponsored the event?

- Help me. - Exactly!

I'll help you, which will help me. It's a win-win.

Alright, buddy. I'm gonna, I'm gonna let you heal up, okay?

- You take care. What? - Oh-h!

You flinched. That's on you.

Hey, Sheila, take care of my boy, would ya?

No...wait.

I think I found some dresses to try on.

The one with the buttons is do-able

but, um, I don't know.

Let me see.

- What did you do that for? - They're dirt-colored.

The color of dirt doesn't look good on people.

They're not dirt-colored. They're brown.

And it's the color that I want to wear.

Ooh, bad choice.

I gave you the "take your picture with a pony" booth

so give this one to me. It's my party.

Yeah, your non-band party that won't have a band

unless you wear the dress I picked out for you....party.

So, go try on the dress I picked out for you.

It's in the tiny room.

♪ Heading to the club I feel like dancing ♪

♪ I feel like dancing I'm-a let my hair down ♪

♪ I'm-a do some sweatin' do some sweatin' ♪

Brown is one of your basic colors.

Basic brown. That's a thing.

God! She doesn't know what I look good in.

Or what I like.

[pop music]

See?

You look good.

I did look good. Really good, actually.

But I wasn't about to give Dalia the satisfaction

of knowing I felt that way.

I'm gonna look so pretty next to that pony.

[instrumental music]

Wow.

Look at you.

Don't start crying, George.

If you cry, it'll make it seem much more cold

when I leave you.

Wish I could be there.

Me too, old man.

But as soon as the fun stuff's over

I'll come visit you at the home.

Okay, but don't come after 7.

We're having blended carrots and watching

"Father Dowling Mysteries."

[instrumental music]

Thanks for doing this, dad.

I promise I'll take pictures.

You'd better.

They grow up so fast.

- Ow. - Here you go.

Attaboy.

Now, close your eyes and get some sleep.

Us old-timers need our rest.

George wasn't about to go down without a fight.

He still had one thing left to do on his bucket list.

Not this old-timer, Sheila.

Normally, I'm not the kind of girl

who'd be impressed by giant snowflakes, lasers.

That guy, and the term sweet 16

makes my skin crawl, but it was pretty sweet.

And I was 16, so there you have it.

I owed Dalia a massive thank you.

You're welcome.

Hello?

Care for a Tessa-tini?

Oh, uh, what's in a Tessa-tini?

Grape soda, black tea, and just a splash of beet juice.

It sounds awful, but it tastes delicious.

No.

It'll stain the hell out of your teeth.

[laughing] It's a dentist's dream.

Hey, drink up, everybody!

There's more where that came from.

'Have a good time, Tessa.'

'Tonight is your night.'

And mine...and yours!

[whispers] And mine.

'Woo-hoo!'

- Hey, Kimantha. - 'Alright! Woo-hoo!'

- Have you seen Lisa and Malik? - No.

Have you seen "The Thin Red Line?"

- No. - I just rented it.

It really is emotionally riveting.

[all cheering]

Hey, Dalia.

- Whoa. - Yeah. Whoa.

- Exactly. Whoa. - You guys can't be here.

The fire marshal just came and said we're at full intensity.

So what are you guys saying?

- Go home, ladies. - I'm not a la..

Pick your battles, Malik.

Wakey, wakey!

Time to freshen up.

George.

Georgie.

Time to wake up. Aah!

'George?'

'George!'

'George Altman!'

'George Altman, where are you?'

Go! Drive!

I left as soon as I got your text.

- Are you okay? - Drive!

- Go! Faster! - I'm going as fast as I can!

It's a residential zone, George.

I got two speeding tickets here last month.

Hey, hey.

Hey, call me.

I can fix that.

Hmm?

Hey, you have an overbite.

Call me. Oh, excuse me.

Oh, jackpot!

Look at those chompers. Are you from Wales?

- No. - Call me.

[hip hop music]

Hey, have you--

I don't care if the pony is tired.

That thing is not going back to the farm.

- What? - Have you seen Malik and Lisa?

- Not since I sent them home. - You sent my friends home?

Yeah, they weren't really part of my vision for this party.

It's my party!

Then leave and go find your lame friends. I don't care.

Hello! We're Average Shelf Life.

And this is for the birthday girl, Tessa Faltman.

- He said my name. - 'Happy Birthday, Tessa!'

Practically.

[instrumental music]

♪ If I had a radio ♪

♪ For every time you loved me so ♪

♪ I wouldn't have a radio at all ♪

♪ Now I sit and waste my time ♪

I love you!

♪ ...quiet as a mime ♪

♪ And wait for someone glamorous to call ♪

♪ Radio ♪

This music sucks.

♪ Radio radio radio ♪♪

- Aah! Aah! - Ooh, I'm sorry.

Do you want me to slow down?

No, no, no. Just get there. I don't want to miss the party.

[cell phone ringing]

- It's Sheila. - Don't answer that!

Hey, don't answer that, okay?

She, that woman was trying to kill me

just like she killed Tom Jesperson.

Oh, no, no, no.

She didn't kill old man Jesperson.

He was 94 when he bit it.

'I just like messing with her.'

Oh, Dallas, you can't make those kind of jokes

around a man taking leftover hysterectomy medication. Aah!

Are you sure you don't want me to slow down?

No, just keep going! Aah!

♪ Hurricane hurricane ♪♪

Tessa, there's lots of heads

lots of heads up in this piece.

Ow!

[all cheering]

Noah was right. There were a lot of heads.

But none of those heads were my friends' heads.

Could I have felt any worse?

Alright.

This next one's about the dangers

of surrounding yourself with phony people

'who aren't your friends.'

Apparently, I could.

♪ Here come the mannequins ♪

♪ Avert your eyes avert your eyes ♪

♪ Tall and cruel and terrible ♪

- 'Tessa, wait.' - Don't try and stop me.

I'm going after my friends.

Nobody cares. Take our picture.

♪ And me they're an awful sight to see ♪

Smile.

♪ ...the symphony ♪

♪ Whoo ♪♪

That's a keeper.

George? What are you doing here?

Hey! I made it. Mwah.

I made it to your birthday. Can you believe it?

Look at this place. It's amazing.

- Oh! Oh! - Whoa!

[cheering]

Yeah, it's great. Let's get out of here.

Wait. Honey, what's wrong?

Don't you like your band?

I like my friends more.

Let's go, George.

See, George, this is all I wanted.

Pizza, a couple of friends.

Why couldn't you just listen to me?

I tried, I-I just, I couldn't hear you

through all the ear hair.

Gift time!

[instrumental music]

[gasps]

[gasps]

Whoa!

These are--

Diamonds!

Thank you?

You're welcome.

They say diamonds are a girl's best friend

but in my case, it wasn't true.

These nerds were.

I felt close to the diamonds also though.

[music stops]

Are you gonna embarrass me now?

Maybe.

Maybe?

Dad.

Come on. You're only 16 once.

We still need to have our father-daughter dance.

Let's go.

Uh...I think that's just at weddings.

I may not make it to your wedding.

I was born nine million years ago.

Mm.

(Dallas) 'Look how cute you two are.'

♪ Don't know when and I don't know why ♪

♪ You're the only reason ♪

♪ I keep on coming home ♪♪