All language subtitles for suburgatory.s01e07.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

[instrumental music]

(Tessa)
Here in the suburbs, people do

whatever they can
to avoid getting old.

[hissing]

And my dad was no exception.

[grunts]

Gray chest hair.

So that's what it's come to.

Hey, can we get some
sugar cereal, George?

Do you have any idea
how long it's been

since I've seen
a leprechaun or a cap'n?

Tell me the truth. Do I look old
enough to have a 16-year-old?

- Oh, here we go.
- Sixteen.

I can't believe you're turning
16 this weekend. My little girl.

That's a little bit more
sugar than I was hoping for.

Come on, Tessa.
Aren't you excited about it?

- Don't you want a party?
- I'm having a party.

Lisa and Malik
are coming over for pizza.

Ugh. Boo! Come on.
This is your 16th birthday.

- 'Let's go big.'
- Okay, fine.

We'll order the extra large.

Hey, if you're worried
about money, don't be.

'Things are picking up for me.'

I can afford to spoil
my only daughter a little.

I've got some very good
ideas for your present.

Can one of 'em be that
you don't pick it out?

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da
da-da-da-da ♪♪

[instrumental music]

When shopping in the suburbs

there's only one place
that has everything

a girl could want
for her birthday.

Plus, leprechaun
cereal...and meat.

That's a lot of bath tissue.

Always good to be prepared.

- I cannot believe!
- What?

They put Average Shelf Life
in the clearance bin.

That is exactly what is
wrong with this place.

$4.99. You know, I-I gotta say,
I was willing to spend $6.

I already downloaded it, but
now, I have the liner notes.

These guys are, like,
the best indie band ever.

They have an oboe.

Really?

Ear hair trimmers?
Are these ours?

- Just...you need it.
- I d-I don't have hairy ears.

(Dallas)
'Look, who it is!'

- Ha ha, hey, guys!
- Hey.

Oh, I hate to bump into people

when I'm not wearing any makeup.

Don't look at me.
I'm a wreck.

You have a veiny forehead.

Isn't this place
just the best?

I mean, where else
can you buy mayonnaise

and nail polish remover?

Any...store.

Yes, but not
so very much of it.

[gasps]
Oh! What are you
campers shopping for?

Oh, nothing, just, a present
for Tessa's 16th birthday.

[gasping]
Oh! Tessa's turning
sweet 16. Oh, my God.

That's huge! Tell me
all about your party.

Don't leave out
a single detail.

Okay, details.
Uh, let's see.

A couple friends are coming
over for pizza and a movie.

- And?
- And we might not do the movie.

No. No. No! No! No!

- Did you hear that, Dalia?
- No.

You gotta go big,
make it an event.

That's what I said,
but, uh, you know

she wants to keep it low-key.

It's true.
This is all want.

They are my favorite band.

For serious?

Let me see this.

Oh, my husband's colleague
owns this label

and a major taco franchise

and a white tiger
or a Bengal.

I'm not sure.

But, anyway, it's too bad that
you're not having a big party

'cause if you were, he could
probably get 'em to play.

Wait. Average Shelf Life?

You cannot get ASL
to play at my party.

Well, not for two buddies
and a pizza

but if it were a big event--

Who said two buddies a pizza?
No buddies and a pizza.

We're going big.

- Aren't we going big, George?
- Well, you did say--

I said we're going big.
That's what I said.

Two buddies and a pizza. Pfft.

George?

♪ Here come the mannequins ♪

♪ Avert your eyes
avert your eyes ♪

♪ Tall and cruel
and terrible ♪

♪ No common ground
no common ground ♪♪

Do you hear an oboe?

What exactly are
they singing about?

I don't know.

Uh, I think a prostitute
who becomes a..

...scientist or something.
I couldn't follow.

- Oh! We're old.
- We're not old.

It's just..
They're not good.

[chuckles]
We're old, George. We are.

I found a gray
chest hair last week.

That-that doesn't mean anything.

Young people get those
all the time.

I looked it up.

How much time do you
think we have left?

Would you stop it?
We're not going anywhere.

- We're young. We're healthy.
- I'm tan.

- And you always will be.
- Alright.

- We're gorgeous, buddy!
- We're gonna live forever!

[tires screeching]

[chuckling]

Ow!

'Ow!'

[groaning]

- 'Oh!'
- Is it a bee sting?

- A cut?
- Did you touch poison ivy?

- Is it a fever?
- A rash?

- Are you choking?
- Can you speak?

Yes. No. Don't touch..
Don't touch me, please.

- It's my back.
- It's okay, George. I'm here.

Everything's gonna be fine.
Ladies, you can go now.

- I've got this under control.
- Oh.

- Okay.
- Gonna be fine.

I said I've got this, Lucille!

Everything's gonna be o-kay.

Tessa?

Don't tell me.

You didn't get
the band, did you?

No...but...I got the band!

You got Average Shelf Life?

Average Shelf Life?
That's the band you wanted?

- Yeah.
- Shoot.

- 'Cause that's the band I got!
- Stop doing that!

Now, all you need is
a top-notch party planner

to whip it together
in time and I know

someone who's smart,
stylish, well-connected

and happens to be standing
right in front of you.

Wow! You'd really help
plan my party too?

Me? No.

Dalia.

- Hey.
- Oh. Pfft.

No.

- No, no, no.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Let me tell you something,
Tessa.

Ever since Dalia failed
her career aptitude test

her dad's been leaning on me
to make sure she has one.

- A career?
- An aptitude.

And I'm pretty sure this is it.

- It is.
- It's it!

Plus, I'd consider
this a real solid

which I don't mind
asking you for

being as that I just did
you an even realer solid

with the whole
band thing and all.

What do you think?

Well, when you put it like
that, how can I say no?

You can't! Aah!

Mm-hmm.

I had a few thoughts.

Sort of a jumping-off point
of how I want my party to look.

Wait.
Let me get a pencil.

I couldn't think
of a single worse person

to plan my party but...at least
Dalia seemed willing to listen.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Ready.

Okay, uh..

When I was living in New York
my friend Oskar had this..

...rooftop soiree,
where they, uh..

...grilled yakitori
on a hibachi.

Yeah, I don't like
any of those words.

So, listen, here's
what we're gonna do.

First of all, it's gonna
be at the Country Club.

I'm thinking monochromatic,
two-tone colors

with a bunch
of different colors.

'I also want
to have a pony station'

'where you can
take pictures with a pony.'

Yup, Dalia was
listening alright

but only to herself.

Now, let's talk go-go cages.

I don't want
go-go cages at my party.

I don't know why they
have to be in cages.

When I was a boy,
women danced free-range.

I can't believe I agreed
to let Dalia plan my party.

Trust me, years from now,
all you're gonna remember

is the good stuff,
that the band you love

played at your 16th birthday.

I got mono on my 16th birthday,
and the only thing I remember

is kissing the girl
who gave it to me.

- What was her name?
- I don't remember.

Because it was
nine million years ago?

Yes, because it was
nine million years ago.

You're getting meaner in your
old age. Do you know that?

[groans]

Easy, easy, easy.

Shh-shh-shh!

Tessa, your father is still
in the Sheila Shay ICU.

And I see you are
disturbing him.

- Here's your pill, George.
- Thank you.

I don't know what I would have
done without you, Sheila.

- You probably would have died.
- Ha ha ha.

[doorbell dings]

- I'll get that.
- Okay.

[sighs]
That woman has been amazing.

Promise me she hasn't
given you a sponge bath.

I can't promise you anything.

What are you taking?

Pain pills
from Sheila's hysterectomy.

Did you know they saved two
thirds of one of her ovaries?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go
watch a documentary

about dolphin murder.
So, I can forget that image.

- Hello, Dallas.
- Hi, Sheila.

I brought George
some chicken soup.

My housekeeper made it,
but I paid for the ingredients.

How nice. I'll definitely
see that he gets it.

Actually, I thought I'd give
it to him myself and say, hi.

That's sweet that you think
he'd like to see you

but I'm gonna have to say no.

Don't do this, Sheila.
Not again.

I am sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

Oh, please. You mother
until you smother.

I did not kill Tom Jesperson!

(Dallas)
'Oh, no, it was
just you there for'

'three and a half weeks,
taking care of him.'

(Sheila)
'He needed help.
He had sciatica!'

- 'You don't die of sciatica!'
- 'Visiting hours are over!'

[door slams]

Ugh!

Relax.

Mommy's here.

So, at what point in
the party were you

thinking of doing
the freeze dance?

Yeah, 'cause I just got
the robot down, so..

Sorry, guys.
There's no freeze dance.

I knew it.
Three days wasted.

It never hurts
to practice, right?

- Trust your instincts, Lisa.
- Alright, biatch.

Time to go dress
shopping for your party.

And if I decline?

Then you won't see your
band again...alive.

You mean "live."

[instrumental music]

See you guys later, apparently.

Time to go dress
shopping, biatch.

Can they just leave
school like that?

Probably not. We have,
like, four periods left.

Yeah.

Wake up.

- Wakey, wakey.
- Huh?

You've got a visitor,
sleepy puss.

[chuckling]
Hey, buddy.

Look who's sleeping
on the job.

- God..
- Oh-h.

He's in a lot of pain,
poor bunny.

- He can barely talk.
- I can ba..

Shh, shh! Buddy, buddy, buddy.

'Here. Scoot over.'

Just listen to me, alright?

I need you to help
me move a sofa.

[laughs]
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

But seriously, you know
how you are throwing that

sweet 16 party for Tessa?

- She's gonna kill me.
- I know.

These things can be expensive,
but I was thinking

because I'm a cosmetic dentist
and this party is gonna be

crawling with insecure teenagers
with all kinds of dental needs

what if my practice
sponsored the event?

- Help me.
- Exactly!

I'll help you, which will
help me. It's a win-win.

Alright, buddy. I'm gonna,
I'm gonna let you heal up, okay?

- You take care. What?
- Oh-h!

You flinched. That's on you.

Hey, Sheila, take care
of my boy, would ya?

No...wait.

I think I found some
dresses to try on.

The one with
the buttons is do-able

but, um, I don't know.

Let me see.

- What did you do that for?
- They're dirt-colored.

The color of dirt doesn't
look good on people.

They're not dirt-colored.
They're brown.

And it's the color
that I want to wear.

Ooh, bad choice.

I gave you the "take your
picture with a pony" booth

so give this one to me.
It's my party.

Yeah, your non-band party
that won't have a band

unless you wear the dress
I picked out for you....party.

So, go try on the dress
I picked out for you.

It's in the tiny room.

♪ Heading to the club
I feel like dancing ♪

♪ I feel like dancing
I'm-a let my hair down ♪

♪ I'm-a do some sweatin'
do some sweatin' ♪

Brown is one
of your basic colors.

Basic brown.
That's a thing.

God! She doesn't know
what I look good in.

Or what I like.

[pop music]

See?

You look good.

I did look good.
Really good, actually.

But I wasn't about to give
Dalia the satisfaction

of knowing I felt that way.

I'm gonna look so pretty
next to that pony.

[instrumental music]

Wow.

Look at you.

Don't start crying, George.

If you cry, it'll make
it seem much more cold

when I leave you.

Wish I could be there.

Me too, old man.

But as soon as
the fun stuff's over

I'll come visit you
at the home.

Okay, but don't
come after 7.

We're having blended carrots
and watching

"Father Dowling Mysteries."

[instrumental music]

Thanks for doing this, dad.

I promise I'll take pictures.

You'd better.

They grow up so fast.

- Ow.
- Here you go.

Attaboy.

Now, close your eyes
and get some sleep.

Us old-timers need our rest.

George wasn't about
to go down without a fight.

He still had one thing left
to do on his bucket list.

Not this old-timer, Sheila.

Normally, I'm not
the kind of girl

who'd be impressed by
giant snowflakes, lasers.

That guy, and
the term sweet 16

makes my skin crawl,
but it was pretty sweet.

And I was 16,
so there you have it.

I owed Dalia
a massive thank you.

You're welcome.

Hello?

Care for a Tessa-tini?

Oh, uh, what's
in a Tessa-tini?

Grape soda, black tea, and
just a splash of beet juice.

It sounds awful,
but it tastes delicious.

No.

It'll stain the hell
out of your teeth.

[laughing]
It's a dentist's dream.

Hey, drink up, everybody!

There's more where
that came from.

'Have a good time, Tessa.'

'Tonight is your night.'

And mine...and yours!

[whispers]
And mine.

'Woo-hoo!'

- Hey, Kimantha.
- 'Alright! Woo-hoo!'

- Have you seen Lisa and Malik?
- No.

Have you seen
"The Thin Red Line?"

- No.
- I just rented it.

It really is
emotionally riveting.

[all cheering]

Hey, Dalia.

- Whoa.
- Yeah. Whoa.

- Exactly. Whoa.
- You guys can't be here.

The fire marshal just came and
said we're at full intensity.

So what are you guys saying?

- Go home, ladies.
- I'm not a la..

Pick your battles, Malik.

Wakey, wakey!

Time to freshen up.

George.

Georgie.

Time to wake up. Aah!

'George?'

'George!'

'George Altman!'

'George Altman,
where are you?'

Go! Drive!

I left as soon as
I got your text.

- Are you okay?
- Drive!

- Go! Faster!
- I'm going as fast as I can!

It's a residential zone,
George.

I got two speeding
tickets here last month.

Hey, hey.

Hey, call me.

I can fix that.

Hmm?

Hey, you have an overbite.

Call me.
Oh, excuse me.

Oh, jackpot!

Look at those chompers.
Are you from Wales?

- No.
- Call me.

[hip hop music]

Hey, have you--

I don't care
if the pony is tired.

That thing is not going
back to the farm.

- What?
- Have you seen Malik and Lisa?

- Not since I sent them home.
- You sent my friends home?

Yeah, they weren't really part
of my vision for this party.

It's my party!

Then leave and go find your
lame friends. I don't care.

Hello!
We're Average Shelf Life.

And this is for the birthday
girl, Tessa Faltman.

- He said my name.
- 'Happy Birthday, Tessa!'

Practically.

[instrumental music]

♪ If I had a radio ♪

♪ For every time
you loved me so ♪

♪ I wouldn't have
a radio at all ♪

♪ Now I sit and waste my time ♪

I love you!

♪ ...quiet as a mime ♪

♪ And wait for someone
glamorous to call ♪

♪ Radio ♪

This music sucks.

♪ Radio radio radio ♪♪

- Aah! Aah!
- Ooh, I'm sorry.

Do you want me to slow down?

No, no, no. Just get there.
I don't want to miss the party.

[cell phone ringing]

- It's Sheila.
- Don't answer that!

Hey, don't answer that, okay?

She, that woman
was trying to kill me

just like she killed
Tom Jesperson.

Oh, no, no, no.

She didn't kill
old man Jesperson.

He was 94 when he bit it.

'I just like messing with her.'

Oh, Dallas, you can't
make those kind of jokes

around a man taking leftover
hysterectomy medication. Aah!

Are you sure you don't
want me to slow down?

No, just keep going! Aah!

♪ Hurricane hurricane ♪♪

Tessa, there's lots of heads

lots of heads up
in this piece.

Ow!

[all cheering]

Noah was right.
There were a lot of heads.

But none of those heads
were my friends' heads.

Could I have felt any worse?

Alright.

This next one's
about the dangers

of surrounding yourself
with phony people

'who aren't your friends.'

Apparently, I could.

♪ Here come the mannequins ♪

♪ Avert your eyes
avert your eyes ♪

♪ Tall and cruel
and terrible ♪

- 'Tessa, wait.'
- Don't try and stop me.

I'm going after my friends.

Nobody cares.
Take our picture.

♪ And me they're an
awful sight to see ♪

Smile.

♪ ...the symphony ♪

♪ Whoo ♪♪

That's a keeper.

George? What are you doing here?

Hey! I made it. Mwah.

I made it to your birthday.
Can you believe it?

Look at this place.
It's amazing.

- Oh! Oh!
- Whoa!

[cheering]

Yeah, it's great.
Let's get out of here.

Wait. Honey, what's wrong?

Don't you like your band?

I like my friends more.

Let's go, George.

See, George,
this is all I wanted.

Pizza, a couple of friends.

Why couldn't you
just listen to me?

I tried, I-I just,
I couldn't hear you

through all the ear hair.

Gift time!

[instrumental music]

[gasps]

[gasps]

Whoa!

These are--

Diamonds!

Thank you?

You're welcome.

They say diamonds are
a girl's best friend

but in my case,
it wasn't true.

These nerds were.

I felt close
to the diamonds also though.

[music stops]

Are you gonna
embarrass me now?

Maybe.

Maybe?

Dad.

Come on. You're only 16 once.

We still need to have our
father-daughter dance.

Let's go.

Uh...I think that's
just at weddings.

I may not make it
to your wedding.

I was born nine million
years ago.

Mm.

(Dallas)
'Look how cute you two are.'

♪ Don't know when
and I don't know why ♪

♪ You're the only reason ♪

♪ I keep on coming home ♪♪