Original subtitles

(Tessa) We were excited about our first Halloween in Chatswin.

Maybe more excited than we should've been.

Hi, neighbor!

[laughs]

That's my tombstone.

What killed me?

It started as a lump under your arm.

I urged you to get it look at

but you..

...you said it was nothin'..

...and then four weeks later..

Four weeks later?

I told you to get it looked at.

Okay, thank you. That's enough.

You're good at Halloween.

I was, but growing up in the city

I never had a chance to shine.

Our Halloweens were scary in a different way.

- Trick or treat? - Yeah.

There's been a murder here. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Murder? Wow, you guys went all out, huh?

So the idea of a Halloween drenched in fake blood

instead of real blood was pretty appealing.

We need realistic arterial spray.

- Not amateur hour. - Amateur hour?

I should cut your head off for that.

- You're all talk. - All talk, huh?

- Here we go! - Aah!

'Ugh!'

[laughing]

[imitates British accent] Any final words?

[imitates British accent] Yes! I'm not afraid to die.

- I've lived in Chatswin.

Hey, buddy! Wh-ha..

- What's going on? - Oh, nothing.

Gonna cut Tessa's head off with my new guillotine

but I really have no follow-through so..

Terrific! Gory stuff, yikes, have you cleared

any of this with the Neighborhood Association?

What? You have to clear decorations?

- It's Halloween. - Yeah.

But the Neighborhood Association

has to approve

any changes to the town aesthetic.

Uh, I mean, it can be a total drag.

It's like, "Ugh, quit coming down on me

with you-your rules, the Neighborhood Association."

But, uh, then again, Chatswin always wins

the award for most uniform houses.

- That's not nothing. - It's next to nothing.

I'm putting up my decorations, what are they gonna do?

- Fine me? - Yes, they're gonna fine you.

Fine me. Fine.

Don't pretend like you have disposal income.

Let me, uh...help you

uh, put this in the garage. You can talk to Dallas.

She's the head of the NA.

Maybe she'll bend the rules for you.

I knew Halloween out here was gonna suck.

- Hey, over my dead body. - What killed you, by the way?

It started as a dry, persistent, cough..

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da daa da da da daa ♪♪

If these suburban idiots wanted to make a mockery

of Halloween, then I'd have to find a costume

that made a mockery of them.

[intense music]

"Misty?"

Inspiration?

Courtesy of Misty.

And her nasty old hair bumpit.

I decided to go as a tacky-ass suburban girl.

So naturally, I bumped it.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

Couldn't help but notice you bumped it today.

So what, skank?

It's part of my costume.

I found it in my room.

- It used to belong to-- - Misty.

- Yes. How did you-- - Know?

Not as impressive, but yes. Who's this Misty chick?

Misty used to live in your house she used to bump it.

She used to wear velour sweat suits with high heels.

Why won't this locker open?

Because that's Misty's old locker.

[intense music]

- Weird. - Yeah, it is weird.

It's very weird especially considering

what happened to Misty.

What happened to Misty?

Nothing.

[gasps]

Tessa, I love a good laugh

as much as the next guy.

"Kick Me" signs, prank calls.

- But this is in bad taste. - This is?

I'd like to see you in my office.

Mr. Wolfe used to see Misty in his office.

[bell ringing]

[instrumental music]

Oh! Hey, George.

Did stop by to help string up

some smiley faces for our annual

Jaunty not Haunty Carefest not Scarefest?

No, I wanna know how I am supposed to enjoy Halloween if I

can't put up a normal, run of the mill guillotine on my lawn?

A guillotine? Oh, my goodness, no.

Well, that kind of scary far exceeds our acceptable limit.

'I mean, it's fine for east Chatswin where they have'

self-service gasoline and only one yogurt shop.

- Now that's scary. - But it's Halloween.

And this place looks like the gumdrop fairy

threw up all over lollipop town.

Yeah, they must've eaten too many gumdrops.

[chuckles]

Whatever this is, it's not Halloween.

George.. Honey..

Uh, you know, George, the parents in Chatswin

have gone to considerable financial lengths

to create a community to protect our children.

So why on God's green would we go around

and scare the bejoozies out of them?

But you're not protecting them. You're-you're..

You're warping them. You know what scares me?

Is a 15-year-old girl dressed as a.. I'm sorry, what are you?

- A slutty mushroom. - Of course you are.

Looking good, shiitake!

Where are the zombies, and the witches and the..

...the mutant zombie witches?

You are robbing these kids of harmless, spooky fun.

Fun? No one likes to be frightened, George.

It just makes people cry.

And scream and pee my pants.

Wow.

- You are really sensitive. - I am.

I have always been this way.

And the tiniest little thing can set me off.

Bats, mice, twins..

...triangle eyes.

- Like on a pumpkin. - I feel bad for you, Dallas.

You have no idea what you're missing.

- Ignorance is bliss. - Beg pardon?

Oh, no one's talking to you, Bliss. Just making a point.

[whispering] She is ignorant.

I expect more from you, Tessa.

Impersonating a former Chatswin High student is inappropriate.

Especially considering Misty's fate.

Her fate?

- What happened? - She's dead, Tessa.

Misty went to a better place.

So I'm living in a dead girl's room.

That's right, Tessa.

Not so funny now, is it?

Lisa, why didn't you tell me

I was living in a dead girl's room?

I can't go if I know that you're standing there.

I'm not leaving.

Okay.

Misty was new to Chatswin, just like you.

(Lisa) We were in home room together.

We both liked chunky sweaters.

She was my best friend.

You're my best friend.

But then, Misty got Lasik eye surgery.

And after that, everything changed.

Like she totally had lost sight of who she was.

A-and I really need you

to leave now so I can pee.

Uh-oh. I'm turning on the water.

'It sounds like a stream of--'

Okay! Okay. Alright.

I was hurt and angry..

...and I just wanted Misty to disappear forever.

[instrumental music]

And then, one day, she did.

[flushing]

I thought you couldn't go if I was standing here.

I went during the flush.

So then what happened to Misty?

How'd she die?

I don't know. But I'm worried.

Why? Because I'm dressing like her?

No, because you bumped it and you're using her old locker

and you're throwing around lots of 'tude like Misty and--

Lisa, this is redonk.

And you just said "Redonk!"

That's what Misty always used to say about everything!

What are you trying to say, Lisa?

I am trying to say that

it is near All Hallows Eve.

And that the spirit of Misty is trying to possess you.

Ohh! I get it.

You're supposed to be a lunatic.

I'm a ladybug.

George?

- 'Come in!' - George?

Yeah, come on back. I'm in the living room.

Hey, I got your message, and I don't want to be rude

but I think any more talk of this guillotine of yours

is a huge waste of time.

- Hey. Come on in. Sit down. - Oh. I don't have time.

Steven's out of town, and I need to have

the housekeeper order dinner for Dalia.

Come over here for a sec. I got a picture of a lollipop.

You gotta check this out.

What kind of lollipop?

[screams]

Ah!

Oh. Dallas?

- Ohh. - Are you okay?

- No, I'm not okay. - I'm sorry.

Why would you do this? What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry. I thought I'd throw you in the deep end

show you how much fun being scared could be.

Does it look like I'm having fun?

I'm sorry. You rest here. I'm gonna get ya some ice.

Who let all these bees in here?

O-okay, rest, but don't fall asleep.

I don't believe in ghosts.

I'm not superstitious.

My first kiss was under a ladder.

But to be honest, the whole idea of sleeping

in a dead girl's room was starting to freak me out.

[creaking]

[gasps]

Dad?

You're still awake.

Yeah. What are you doing up?

Ahh. Couldn't sleep.

Listen, I don't want to disappoint you, but..

Halloween out here is gonna suck.

So no luck with Dallas, huh?

Not really.

And I almost killed her trying.

Dad..

Do you ever wonder who lived here before us?

Yeah, what kind of lunatics would buy squishy toilet seats?

I mean...if someone..

...died in this house, they would have to tell you

before we moved in here, right?

- Depends. - On what?

If they were..

...murdered.

[evil laughter]

- So you didn't hear anything? - No.

[whispering] Nothing.

Goodnight, sweetheart.

[instrumental music]

Like a doctor in the ER

George refused to let it die.

He made one final attempt to convince Dallas

we should have a scary Halloween.

Come on, Dallas. Where are you?

Holy crap!

- Whoa. - Oh, my Lordy, George.

- Did I scare you? - No! I me-I mean, no.

You just... c-caught me by surprise.

I did scare you, didn't I?

Okay, maybe a little, yeah.

[chuckling]

You should've seen your face.

I thought your eyebrows were gonna pop off your head.

Well, you, you just came out of nowhere.

Pop, pop. That's what it looked like.

- This is fun. - See?

What did I tell you? Scaring people can be fun.

But being scared isn't.

Okay, look, I'm sorry about the...the...head injury.

Those are for me?

But if you give me another shot, I promise to deliver

harmless, scary fun, so what do you say?

I was determined to find out what

actually happened to Misty, even if that meant

going to the Chatswin Country club.

Ho just died. Sucks.

Before she died, Misty was super funny.

Why, because she called everything redonk?

[laughter]

(Lisa) 'It's happening all over again.'

We are not losing our only friend to Dalia.

I have other friends.

[laughing]

Well, I don't.

[instrumental music]

What is with these people?

(Dallas) 'Okay, George.'

I'm in my ready-to-be-scared clothes.

- Aah! - Yes, you are.

Okay, uh, we have the classics here.

We have "The Exorcist," "The Omen"

and "Rosemary's Baby," pick your poison.

Can't we just watch "Sex and the City," the sequel?

N-no. We're trying to scare you, not me.

Alright, well, then how about

the one with the cute, little baby?

Great, but just to warn you

the cute little baby is the devil.

- Then "The Exorcist." - 'Okay.'

Well, little girl's the devil.

- Okay, then "The Omen". - Little boy's devil.

Okay, George, just pick one. Surprise me.

Okay.

First time I saw this, I didn't sleep without

a crucifix for a month.

- Okay. You ready? - Ready.

As long as I can have squeezing privileges.

Squeeze all you want, just no nails.

- Look. They're optional. - Oh.

Now I'm scared. Thanks.

Popcorn?

- Uh, sure. - Oh.

- 'Aah!' - 'Oh! I gotcha!'

Oh, very, very impressive. Not bad.

Well, there's more where that came from.

Yeah, you know, if you really wanted to scare me

you should've put some of those blue nails on here.

They would've popped right off.

Oh!

- I love it. - Yeah.

Look how cute that is.

[instrumental music]

What the..

George?

Misty has you in her grip.

There's only one way to free you, Tessa..

...if you still respond to that name.

I do still respond to that name.

That's my name.

We're performing an exorcism.

Tonight.

But we don't have a lot of time.

"Hoarders" comes on in an hour.

Why is he dressed like a pimp?

I'm the guy from Run-D.M.C.

He's a reverend.

Look, this is the best I could do on short noti--

(Lisa) Don't engage her, Malik.

She's just being a bitch because she's possessed by Misty.

'Right, Misty?'

[growling] Right...Lisa.

[laughter]

That's not funny.

[intense music]

Aah!

[laughter]

- What do you think? - Uh..

My palms are sweaty, my heart is racing

I think I'm gonna die.

- It is really enjoyable. - See?

Can we please have a scary Halloween?

And can I grease up my guillotine

and let some heads roll?

Okay, yes.

Go for it before it's too late.

I am gonna send off a quick e-mail to the

Neighborhood Association and let 'em know I said okay.

Dallas...thank you.

I'll kill you last.

I appreciate that. I have dinner plans tomorrow.

[chuckling]

[intense music]

[door closing]

Dallas?

[gate creaking]

Uh-oh!

Sounds like there's a scary thing at the door.

Better defend myself.

A-ha!

- Who are you? - Who are you?

Who am I?

Uhh!

Officer Breen? Hey, hey!

Hey, it's Steven Royce. How are you, you son of a gun?

- Uh.. - Hey, I'm on the phone.

No talking, okay?

'Don't be rude.'

Yeah, the reason I'm calling is I'm trying to find out

if I had a break-in or not here at the house.

You didn't have a break-in. I'm with Dallas.

What...what do you mean, you're with Dallas?

I'm not with Dallas.

I'm here...with Dallas.

- 'At the house.' - This is my house.

- I own this house. - Fine. It's your house.

I have a very strict no-shoe policy, why are your shoes on?

Well, Dallas didn't mention the shoe policy.

Steven, you're home.

And I see you met our new neighbor, George.

Hello, Steven. Welcome home.

What's with the shoes?

I'm sorry...I really appreciate

your concern for me

but I'm not possessed.

Look.

That's as far as I can move my head.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, trick or treaters, I should go.

Tessa, if you can hear me

lie down on the table.

Whatever.

She can still hear me.

When you guys are done, do you wanna go get for real?

♪ In nomine ♪

♪ Patris ♪

♪ Et Filii ♪

♪ Et Spiritus Sancti ♪♪

Cut the crap, Misty, you little bitch

and go back to hell where you belong!

[doorbell ringing]

Can we please pause the exorcism

so I can go give these kids their candy?

I'd rather not, I feel like we have some momentum.

[pounding on door]

(female #1) 'Open up! I know you're in there!'

Wait. I-I know that voice.

- Who's there? - 'It's Misty, ho.'

I wasn't expecting you until tomorrow.

Well, I came home a day early because I wanted to

rush home and see my beautiful wife.

- Oh. - May, may I, uh..

- May I kiss you? - You may.

Yes, I may.

Okay.

Mmm.

Mmm...good to be home.

So...how did it go?

Did you close the account

or land that big thingy or whatever?

I have no idea what he does, but he's the best at it.

She doesn't care what I do as long as it keeps her in Gucci.

- This isn't Gucci. - What is it, then?

- It's Cavalli. - Cavalli. That's..

That's the thing about Dallas.

She knows how to put an outfit together.

I'm gonna grab my stuff.

Why does he... why does he have stuff?

Tessa, don't. Don't do it. Don't do it. I mean it.

(Misty) 'Come on! I drove all the way from Paramus!'

- Paramus, you guys. - Ju-don't!

- Opening the door. - No!

Happy Halloween.

Trick or treat, losers. I used to live here.

Misty?

I thought you were dead.

[sighs] Lisa, still redonk, I see.

- Uh! - Aah!

Oh! That's stings!

What is that, you pimp?

Holy water.

It's ginger ale. Sorry.

Wow.

My bedroom is so much uglier now.

Thank you.

I...I still don't get how you're alive.

Your-your parents said that you went to a better place.

Yeah, I did.

A Better Place is a remedial school in New Jersey.

Wow. I-I didn't realize that you were that stupid.

Should've said something.

But why would Mr. Wolfe say that you were dead?

To him, I am.

I did really bad on my standardized testing, you guys.

And he didn't want to besmirch Chatswin's educational record.

- "Besmirch!" - That's a great word, Misty.

And way to use it correctly.

Oh, thanks, you guys. Thanks.

Anyway, I guess it was just easier to say

I went to a better place

than to say I went to A Better Place.

But..

...now that I'm not stupid anymore..

...my parents said it's, uh

okay if I come back for trick-or-treating.

- Oop-oh, that.. - Oh, excuse me.

That's...that's nice.

'I think she just stole your nail polish.'

She could take the nail polish. That was fine.

I was just secretly relieved she didn't ask

for the cat clock back.

Because just like the suburbs on Halloween

it had kind of started to grow on me.

So, uh...sorry.

That was weird. Was that weird?

No! Not at all.

I could tell Steven really liked you.

Ah. From-from the way he punched me in the face?

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

Cavalli, huh?

Yeah.

So..

Happy Halloween, George.

- Oh. Happy Halloween! - Aah!

[laughs]

- Bye. - 'Bye.'

He's got a goatee, huh?

[evil laughter]

Well, George, I think we did it.

Oh, yeah. This place looks great.

Oh, your march of the venomous spiders idea

nice touch.

Oh, stop.

You're too kind.

Seriously, you're supposed to be an executioner.

Oh. Hey, kids.

[laughs]

'Happy Halloween!'

[evil laughter]

- You want candy? - Nice costumes.

- Hey, guys. - Hi.

Alright, kids. Don't go yet.

There's more. You ready?

[imitating British accent] Prepare to meet thy maker.

[screaming]

What, this?

You're scared of this?

[screaming]

[laughing]

Ah, Happy Halloween!

[laughs]

Ohh.

You are really good at Halloween.

Oh.

I'm the best.

[thunder clap]