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1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:03,462
(Tessa)
It took me a couple of weeks
2
00:00:03,462 --> 00:00:06,924
but I finally find my favorite
thing to do in suburbs.
3
00:00:06,924 --> 00:00:09,384
Sleep.
4
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:12,304
Tessa, what're you doing?
Let's go before she gets here.
5
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:18,018
- She's still watering?
- Still watering.
6
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,896
- Why didn't you set an alarm?
- 'I kept hitting snooze.'
7
00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:24,024
I was having the most amazing
dream about Manhattan.
8
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,901
'Yeah? What was so amazing?'
9
00:00:25,901 --> 00:00:27,027
We were still living there.
10
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,570
Ha ha.
11
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,155
I can't take it anymore.
12
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,782
Sheila's constant invitations
13
00:00:31,782 --> 00:00:33,367
to dinner every
single morning.
14
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,245
I'm running out of
creative ways to say no.
15
00:00:36,245 --> 00:00:38,413
Have you tried running her
over with your car?
16
00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:41,041
That's creative.
17
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,585
[squeaks]
18
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,213
Oh, no. Hose is off.
She's coming, she's coming!
19
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,965
My backpack!
It's upstairs!
20
00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,716
No time! Go! Go!
21
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,639
[dramatic music]
22
00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:05,983
Unh!
23
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:18,120
(George)
'Go, go, go, go, go, go.'
24
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,621
- Dad!
- Aah!
25
00:01:19,621 --> 00:01:20,956
I'm stuck.
Save yourself.
26
00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:25,377
- Go!
- No, dad. I won't leave you.
27
00:01:25,377 --> 00:01:28,630
Tessa, go.
28
00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,048
Just go.
29
00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,763
[George groans]
30
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:38,724
Well, hiya, neighbor!
31
00:01:38,724 --> 00:01:40,475
Dinner tonight?
32
00:01:40,475 --> 00:01:41,476
[sighs]
33
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:46,106
[theme music]
34
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:50,986
♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪
35
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:54,156
♪ La-da-da-da da-da-da-da ♪♪
36
00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:57,993
Bio-scientists have determined
that when you remove an animal
37
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,536
from its indigenous
environment.
38
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:02,456
For example,
the gentoo penguin..
39
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,583
And deposit said animal
40
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,960
into a region
that it's not accustomed to,
41
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:11,465
it is far more susceptible
to infectious disease.
42
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,050
Any questions?
43
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:16,511
Yes, Dalia?
44
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,263
I hate birds.
45
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,931
Thank you, Dalia.
46
00:02:19,931 --> 00:02:23,560
I had to remind myself that,
as bad as I had it
47
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:27,189
the gentoo penguin
had it worse.
48
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:29,107
[indistinct chatter]
49
00:02:30,901 --> 00:02:32,402
Oh!
50
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:34,029
Hey, Lisa.
51
00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:36,281
I heard that your family was
coming over for dinner tonight
52
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,659
and I just wanted to apologize
in advance for my family.
53
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,244
Don't worry about it.
54
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,246
Your family's never as bad
as you think they are.
55
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:44,581
(Ryan)
'Hey, Lisa!'
56
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,833
This is how dad
does it to mom.
57
00:02:53,757 --> 00:02:55,092
Unless they are.
58
00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:59,012
Are you ready to do this?
59
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,139
Wait, before we go over there,
we should really
60
00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,557
figure out an exit strategy.
61
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,393
Oh, that's smart.
Okay, how about this?
62
00:03:04,393 --> 00:03:05,894
After dessert,
I'll say we'd better go
63
00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,687
'cause you got to study
for a math test tomorrow.
64
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,523
Come on, dad!
65
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,942
I don't have to study.
I know everything already.
66
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:14,236
You said that last time,
young lady
67
00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:16,863
and you ended up with a "D!"
68
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,448
Good.
69
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,534
That felt good.
70
00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,329
But what if it's before dessert,
and one of us can't take it?
71
00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,248
I think we need
a code word.
72
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,250
Uh, "pickles. "
73
00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:29,584
"Pickles?"
74
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:30,877
What, you got
something better?
75
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:32,629
Fine. "Pickles."
76
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,381
One of us cites "pickles,"
77
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:37,551
the other cites irritable
bowel, and we're gone. Got it?
78
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,219
Got it.
79
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,847
Let's do this.
80
00:03:41,847 --> 00:03:44,766
What is keeping you two?
81
00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:46,768
[smacking lips]
82
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,270
[silverware clinks]
83
00:03:50,397 --> 00:03:51,898
Do you want your bones?
84
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,650
Yes.
85
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,570
So, George, you never did say
what happened to your wife.
86
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,697
- Fred!
- It's an honest question.
87
00:03:58,697 --> 00:04:01,241
If George wants,
he can say "no comment."
88
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,451
No comment.
89
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:04,578
[Sheila and Fred laugh]
90
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:06,455
Seriously, what happened?
91
00:04:06,455 --> 00:04:08,999
Uh, we separated
15 years ago.
92
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:11,084
I saw this show once
where these twins
93
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,961
attached at the face
were separated.
94
00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:15,422
It was awesome.
I think one of 'em died.
95
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,757
I saw that, too.
I think one of 'em did die.
96
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,634
[Fred and Ryan laugh]
97
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,386
Are you all done here, honey?
98
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,389
So back to George's
failed marriage. You cheat?
99
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,349
I would never dream of
cheating on Sheila.
100
00:04:26,349 --> 00:04:30,187
Couldn't. She watches me
like a hawk...and I love it.
101
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,105
Whoo!
102
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,941
May I be excused?
Having a terrible time.
103
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,401
What about dessert?
104
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,652
Lisa can't have dessert.
105
00:04:37,652 --> 00:04:39,196
- Why-why not? The sugar?
- No.
106
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,780
[doorbell rings]
107
00:04:40,780 --> 00:04:43,074
Oh! I got it. It's for me.
Lisa has no friends.
108
00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:45,827
Don't listen to him, honey.
You have lots of friends.
109
00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:49,289
We'll be downstairs.
110
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,458
Hey, uh, careful not to
set off the smoke detector
111
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,293
with the gun show.
112
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,377
(Sheila)
'Ooh!'
113
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,129
[laughs]
114
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,964
You girls want to join?
115
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,217
Oh, no, thank you. I don't
want to see the gun show.
116
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:01,968
- I've already seen it.
- Come now.
117
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:03,762
You guys head on
down to the rumpus room.
118
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,805
Fred and I have some grown-up
questions for George.
119
00:05:05,805 --> 00:05:08,099
Ooh. Uh, can I go down
to the rumpus room, too?
120
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:11,019
[both laugh]
121
00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,354
No, you may not.
122
00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:18,527
Joey. Truth or dare?
123
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:22,572
Maybe I did something wrong
in a previous life.
124
00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,115
Maybe I was Eva Braun.
125
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:27,661
- Ryan. Truth or dare?
- Wait. Okay, dare.
126
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,121
I have some chocolate in my
room. I'll be right back.
127
00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:33,166
I dare you to kiss a lesbian.
128
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,001
I'm not kissing my sister.
129
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:36,795
Not your sister,
you idiot...her.
130
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,296
[pinball rolling]
131
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,714
Tessa.
132
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,719
Um, thanks, uh, but I'm..
133
00:05:44,719 --> 00:05:46,179
I'm not really
a part of this game.
134
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,181
You are now, beeyotch.
135
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:53,186
What do you mean,
I have to have a barbecue?
136
00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:58,149
Not a barbecue, George.
The barbecue.
137
00:05:58,149 --> 00:05:59,484
Here's the dealio, George.
138
00:05:59,484 --> 00:06:00,902
If you move
into this neighborhood
139
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:03,238
and don't have "the barbecue,"
you'll be shunned.
140
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:04,239
- Ostracized.
- Excommunicated.
141
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,865
And why?
142
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,492
(both)
Because you didn't
have the barbecue.
143
00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,786
This is Chatswin, and when
a new family moves here
144
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,663
and doesn't have the barbecue,
it looks like they don't
145
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,081
want to be a part
of the neighborhood.
146
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:14,791
And if people don't want us,
we don't want them.
147
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,876
- That's just human nature.
- So have the barbecue.
148
00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,670
- And eat your cake.
- It's good.
149
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,882
Look, I really appreciate
you including me
150
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,093
in your reindeer games,
sincerely
151
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:27,846
but, um, in this case, I'm
just gonna have to
152
00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:30,056
politely decline.
153
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:31,766
Once someone
dares you to do something
154
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:34,811
you kind of have to do it,
or else you're a wuss.
155
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:38,481
Yeah, I'm-I'm familiar
with the rules of..
156
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:43,403
...Wuss-iosity,
but there are loopholes.
157
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:46,323
You know what
a loophole is, don't...you?
158
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:49,326
Sure. It's a hole
with a loop in it.
159
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:51,036
♪ And let's live it up ♪
160
00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:53,830
♪ Turn it out
time is feeling right ♪
161
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,957
♪ No more waiting ♪
162
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:58,335
♪ Oh tonight's the night
we're gonna go ♪
163
00:06:58,335 --> 00:07:00,920
♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪
164
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,173
♪ And start this show-oh-oh ♪
165
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:04,841
♪ oh oh oh ♪♪
166
00:07:06,551 --> 00:07:08,178
Pickles, pickles,
pickles, pickles!
167
00:07:08,178 --> 00:07:09,471
[door slams]
168
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,890
P-pickles give her
irritable bowel.
169
00:07:11,890 --> 00:07:13,433
It's a brine thing.
170
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,185
Anyway, thank you for dinner.
171
00:07:18,063 --> 00:07:19,481
I didn't serve pickles.
172
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,029
Ryan Shay is a neanderthal.
173
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:27,864
How could I have kissed
a person who is
174
00:07:27,864 --> 00:07:30,325
by all accounts,
a knuckle-dragger..
175
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:32,327
...and actually like it?
176
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,704
[alarm chirps]
177
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,122
[beeps]
178
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,457
But it's a new day.
179
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,167
I was determined to press on
180
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:42,879
and act as though
last night never happened.
181
00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:44,381
♪ You ridin' with me? ♪
182
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:45,882
♪ You want this money,
let's get it ♪
183
00:07:45,882 --> 00:07:47,676
♪ Is you down for me? ♪
184
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,719
♪ I ain't funny I'm committed
don't be lyin' to me ♪
185
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:51,513
♪ I ain't the one to do
the kiddin' ♪
186
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:54,015
♪ Hey little mama you should
let me be your daddy ♪
187
00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,475
♪ Is you ridin' with me? ♪
188
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,726
♪ You want this money
let's get it ♪
189
00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,561
♪ Is you down for me? ♪
190
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:00,897
♪ I ain't funny I'm committed
don't be lying to me ♪
191
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:02,691
♪ I ain't the one to do
the kiddin' ♪
192
00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:04,984
♪ Hey little mama you should
let me be your daddy ♪
193
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,529
♪ In the strip club sittin' at
the corner of the bar ♪
194
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:10,240
♪ With the thick girls lookin'
when they find out I'm a star ♪
195
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:13,034
♪ 'Cause I'm shinin' every night
everybody can see it ♪
196
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,829
Why am I waving?
Stop waving.
197
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,831
What the hell was wrong
with me?
198
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,209
I wasn't myself.
Maybe I was low blood sugar.
199
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,467
- You okay, Tess?
- What? Why?
200
00:08:29,467 --> 00:08:33,930
You're...pouring milk
that isn't there.
201
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,808
So, what happened last night?
202
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,476
- Last night?
- With the pickles.
203
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:40,937
Oh! The pickles.
204
00:08:40,937 --> 00:08:43,857
Oh. Yeah.
That was nothing.
205
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:47,068
The, um, rumpus room just had
a lot of wood paneling.
206
00:08:47,068 --> 00:08:49,320
- It felt like an asylum.
- A wood-paneled asylum?
207
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,114
Yeah.
208
00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,367
A rustic, high-end
wood-paneled asylum.
209
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,326
Look it up.
210
00:08:57,495 --> 00:08:58,663
Lisa!
211
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,373
[sighs]
Hey.
212
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,375
I know what's going on
between you and my brother.
213
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,793
Nothing is going on.
214
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,044
Then why were you looking
at him like that
215
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:06,880
this morning
when he was washing the car?
216
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,923
This is pathetic.
I thought you were different.
217
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,175
You should have seen
the look on your face.
218
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,426
It was sickening.
219
00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:17,807
Lisa was right.
220
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:19,642
It was sickening.
I was sick.
221
00:09:19,642 --> 00:09:22,395
I was terminal,
and I had to find a cure.
222
00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:29,527
Intellectual, neurotic,
self-loathing Jew.
223
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,029
Much more my type.
224
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:33,448
Could he be
the Ryan Shay antidote?
225
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,617
Hi. I'm Tessa.
226
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,494
I'm Evan.
227
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:42,415
- Wanna make out?
- What? I mean...what?
228
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,334
[coins clatter]
229
00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:51,591
Damn it, Evan!
230
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:54,969
I feel nothing. Nothing.
231
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:57,472
- Sorry?
- Not as sorry as I am.
232
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,518
As you were, Evan.
233
00:10:02,811 --> 00:10:04,479
What?
234
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,397
You haven't had the barbecue
yet? Are you kidding me?
235
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:09,651
- Seriously? That's for real?
- Yeah, that's for real.
236
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:12,278
I'm surprised people are
still talking to you.
237
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:14,239
I'm surprised I'm still
talking to you.
238
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:15,698
Ow!
239
00:10:15,698 --> 00:10:18,201
Javier, you just
nicked my ear.
240
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:20,829
That's strike two.
Just send out an evite.
241
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,705
I don't even know how I'm
gonna do this, realistically.
242
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:25,083
All I've got is this old
hibachi used in Manhattan.
243
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,836
An old hi-whatchi?
Are you kidding me?
244
00:10:27,836 --> 00:10:29,504
Alright. I'm gonna do
something for you.
245
00:10:29,504 --> 00:10:32,090
Javier, cover your ears.
246
00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:35,677
I'm gonna let you
borrow my grill.
247
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:37,262
Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks.
248
00:10:37,262 --> 00:10:40,390
"Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks."
Are you kidding me?
249
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:41,850
I never let anybody
borrow my grill.
250
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,393
You should be kissing
the ground I walk on.
251
00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:44,769
Well, I don't know.
You think it's big enough?
252
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:46,729
Is the Statue of Liberty
big enough?
253
00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:48,648
Is J.Lo's ass big enough?
254
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,066
For me, it is.
255
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,361
Yeah, I think
it's big enough.
256
00:10:53,361 --> 00:10:54,904
Well, look who's here.
257
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:56,990
You're just the gentleman
I wanted to talk to.
258
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,575
Hey, is this about
the barbecue?
259
00:10:58,575 --> 00:10:59,826
No, it's not.
260
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:00,910
But you really should have it
261
00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:03,037
before things get unpleasant.
262
00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:06,165
George, take a walk with me.
263
00:11:06,165 --> 00:11:07,542
Okay.
264
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:15,216
Alright, Javier. Let's try the
hot shave one more time.
265
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,384
What's going on?
266
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:17,969
Well, I just thought
you should know
267
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,096
I mean, considering
the whole condom situation
268
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,472
that brought you here
269
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,058
according to Dalia,
who was there
270
00:11:24,058 --> 00:11:28,646
Tessa went to first base
with Ryan Shay last night
271
00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,899
and apparently it was hot.
272
00:11:30,899 --> 00:11:33,276
Uh-huh. What-what's
first base again?
273
00:11:33,276 --> 00:11:35,236
Well, it's regional,
but here..
274
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,071
Open mouth, some tongue.
275
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:40,199
Well, that doesn't sound right.
Tessa can't stand Ryan Shay.
276
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,452
Well, of course Tessa
can't stand Ryan Shay
277
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:45,079
but have you seen
his rock-hard abs?
278
00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:48,458
[laughs]
I mean, if you..
279
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:50,084
It..
You know what?
280
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,045
If neighbors don't look out
for neighbors
281
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:54,422
we could end up having
little baby neighbors.
282
00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:56,090
[cell phone rings]
283
00:11:56,090 --> 00:11:58,885
Oh! I just got an evite
to your barbecue on Sunday.
284
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,888
OMG, I am there.
Thank you.
285
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:04,599
What? How is that possible?
286
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:06,184
All good for Sunday, buddy.
287
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,690
(Tessa)
Meatball sub..
288
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,610
Two of the least sexy words
in the English language
289
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:17,528
unless Ryan Shay was
on the other end of it.
290
00:12:19,697 --> 00:12:21,616
I was better than this.
291
00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,953
I was Turkey and wheat,
and I had to remember that.
292
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,871
Tessa.
293
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:30,083
Meet me behind
the bleachers, 2:00.
294
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,417
Okay.
295
00:12:37,715 --> 00:12:40,301
I needed guidance..
296
00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,720
...so I went to the only place
I could think of.
297
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,182
So, Tessa, what guidance
can I give you today?
298
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:50,979
[sighs]
I am being consumed
by my desire for something
299
00:12:50,979 --> 00:12:54,107
something that is
not good for me.
300
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,150
You're addicted to drugs.
301
00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,444
- No. Absolutely not.
- Are you sure?
302
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:01,656
Because I've been told, a lot of
people from the inner city are.
303
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,366
And I've seen "Rent."
304
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,910
I'm from Manhattan,
and it's not drugs.
305
00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:09,580
It's a guy that
I'm incredibly attracted to
306
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:11,082
but don't like.
307
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:12,750
Intellectually,
I know he's not good for me,
308
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,379
but I can't stay away
from him.
309
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,840
Sounds like the kind
of relationship people have
310
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:19,841
with their drug dealers.
311
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:21,426
He's not a drug dealer!
312
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:24,220
He's just...stupid..
313
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,764
...which means I must
be stupid for liking him.
314
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,392
Maybe there's something more
to him than meets the eye.
315
00:13:29,392 --> 00:13:31,352
After all,
when people look at me
316
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,813
all they see is someone
who's North Korean
317
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:35,648
but when they dig
a little deeper
318
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,191
they're also surprised
to learn
319
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:41,279
that I'm partially...
South Korean.
320
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:43,364
(Tessa)
Ryan wasn't South Korean..
321
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:50,121
But he certainly was
a good kisser.
322
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,041
I can't believe we are
making out behind the bleachers.
323
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:54,375
It is so cliche.
324
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,003
Who's cliche?
Is she, like, a singer?
325
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,757
Don't speak.
326
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,300
But we had to speak.
327
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,260
It was the only way
I was going to find out
328
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,637
if there was more
to Ryan than met my lips.
329
00:14:06,637 --> 00:14:09,265
♪ There's a boy down
in New York City ♪
330
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:11,059
Have you ever seen
a foreign film?
331
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:12,810
"Avatar?"
332
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:14,604
That's not a foreign film.
333
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,689
It takes place
on a foreign planet.
334
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:20,443
And James Cameron
is Canadian.
335
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:22,028
Partial credit.
336
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:25,782
♪ Babe I gotta roll ♪
337
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,909
♪ To the next shore ♪♪
338
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,410
If you could have dinner
with any famous person
339
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,621
living or dead,
who would it be?
340
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:35,041
Scarlett Johansson.
Dead.
341
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,126
I had never been
so disgusted with someone
342
00:14:37,126 --> 00:14:40,546
in my entire life.
343
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,715
And that someone was me.
344
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:50,348
Oh, so that-that kid
from across the street..
345
00:14:50,348 --> 00:14:53,017
What's his,
what's his name? Brian?
346
00:14:53,017 --> 00:14:56,854
- Ryan.
- Ryan. That's it. Yeah.
347
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,357
Nice kid?
348
00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,734
I-I really wouldn't know.
Do you want my carrots?
349
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:04,403
Uh, I'm good.
He seems like a nice kid.
350
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:10,827
So what's the deal, have you
guys ever talked or..
351
00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:15,331
- Anything?
- This is your fault, not mine.
352
00:15:15,331 --> 00:15:17,125
- Yours.
- My fault? What's my fault?
353
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:20,253
You pulled me out of my
indigenous region and just..
354
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,088
...dropped me into
a completely different habitat!
355
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,589
Okay, I'll take your carrots.
356
00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,967
It's not about
the carrots, George. It's me.
357
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,802
I am a gentoo penguin.
358
00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:31,639
I am a sick, diseased
gentoo penguin
359
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:33,141
and I am dying here!
360
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,362
[laughs]
Ohh.
361
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:49,073
What do you think?
I love her. I call her Sally.
362
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:51,409
Yeah, well, Sally just burned
a hole in my retina.
363
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:53,411
- She's a powerful lady, George.
- Uh-huh.
364
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:57,415
If she wasn't made of steel,
I'd take her as a lover.
365
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:59,125
- Great turnout, George.
- Yeah.
366
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,877
I am sorry my husband
couldn't be here
367
00:16:00,877 --> 00:16:05,006
but he travels, a lot,
on business.
368
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,383
Okay. How-how's
the guacamole?
369
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,302
It's killer.
You smush it yourself?
370
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,386
I did, actually, yes.
371
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,971
- You did?
- Yes.
372
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:14,974
Speaking of smushing,
any intel on what happened
373
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,226
between Tessa and Ryan
in the rumpus room
374
00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:20,188
or as I like to call it,
"the humpus in the rumpus?"
375
00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,898
Uh, yeah, well, not really.
376
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:23,482
I tried to broach
the subject with her
377
00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:24,942
but she just got upset
378
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,485
and said something cryptic
about penguins.
379
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:29,405
Ooh. That might be
Internet talk for "penis."
380
00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,907
I'll Yahoo it
and get back to you.
381
00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:32,783
I gotta be honest.
I'm not overly concerned.
382
00:16:32,783 --> 00:16:34,076
That kid's
a total bonehead.
383
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:36,662
Well, so is Ryan.
384
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,456
I was talking about Ryan.
385
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:39,665
Okay.
386
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:44,629
- Hey.
- Hey.
387
00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,422
You still mad at me?
388
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:49,050
Mad? No.
389
00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:52,720
I mean, you can't help
the way you feel, I guess.
390
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,848
Yeah. Exactly.
391
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,975
I mean, it's like chips.
392
00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,518
Chips are my favorite thing
in the world.
393
00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:01,812
I could eat, like,
two or three bags at once.
394
00:17:01,812 --> 00:17:04,106
- I know, right?
- But I don't.
395
00:17:04,106 --> 00:17:05,858
You know why?
396
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,902
Because they're bad for me.
397
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:10,446
As much as I want to put that
entire bag inside my mouth
398
00:17:10,446 --> 00:17:12,657
I know that if I do,
I'll get dehydrated
399
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:15,076
I'll break out,
and I might get diarrhea.
400
00:17:15,076 --> 00:17:16,535
Diarrhea? From chips?
401
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:20,831
So I don't,
because I've got willpower
402
00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:24,168
and I can't be mad at you
for not having willpower.
403
00:17:24,168 --> 00:17:27,505
All I can do is pity you,
which I do.
404
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,012
Okay. Well, thanks.
405
00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,889
So wonderful
to be here, George.
406
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:40,017
Such a beautiful place.
The hydrangeas are just.. Wow.
407
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,560
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
408
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,562
I gotta tell you,
it's-it's so nice to see
409
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,273
a gay couple
in the neighborhood.
410
00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:48,025
Makes me feel like I'm back
in the city.
411
00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:50,403
There's a gay couple?
Where?
412
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,655
Gossip. I love hearing it
before my wife. Dish.
413
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,781
- Dish.
- Dish.
414
00:17:53,781 --> 00:17:55,491
George. Hi.
415
00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,493
We got an emergency.
416
00:17:57,493 --> 00:18:01,163
- She's dead. Sally's dead.
- What do you mean, she's dead?
417
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,707
She's out of propane!
418
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:04,041
Okay, so I'll go pick up
some more.
419
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:06,294
No more. No.
She takes the big tanks.
420
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,045
The only place that sells
the big tanks is Artie's.
421
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,256
Artie's is closed on Sundays!
Artie!
422
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,883
Okay, keep your voice down.
Give me a second to think.
423
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:16,554
George. What's the ETA
on the burgers?
424
00:18:16,554 --> 00:18:17,930
The natives
are getting restless.
425
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,016
Man cannot live
by chips and guac alone.
426
00:18:20,016 --> 00:18:21,642
Fred, let me
walk this dog.
427
00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,185
Five, ten minutes, tops.
428
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,271
If you ask me,
calling a barbecue a barbecue
429
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:27,732
without actually having
a barbecue would be worse
430
00:18:27,732 --> 00:18:29,150
'than not having
a barbecue at all.'
431
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,651
Didn't ask you.
432
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,653
Boy, someone had
a big scoop of crab salad.
433
00:18:32,653 --> 00:18:34,488
Yeah, a big scoop.
434
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,158
Damn it, Fred. If you can't plus
it, you just leave it alone.
435
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:41,746
Ryan, I can't
do this anymore.
436
00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:42,913
Is it my breath?
437
00:18:42,913 --> 00:18:44,415
Because I skipped
the guacamole.
438
00:18:44,415 --> 00:18:46,125
No. Your breath is fine.
439
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,419
- It's me.
- You had the guacamole.
440
00:18:48,419 --> 00:18:50,796
No. I mean, a little,
yeah, but..
441
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:52,965
I could taste it, but I
wasn't gonna say anything.
442
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:56,052
Look, Ryan, I like you.
443
00:18:56,052 --> 00:19:00,139
I do. I mean, you're
good-looking..
444
00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:02,016
...and you're..
445
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:03,351
...really good-looking.
446
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,603
- Then what's the problem?
- Nothing.
447
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,355
It's just..
448
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,775
You're a bag of chips.
449
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,109
A bag of chips?
450
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,569
You know how
they taste really good
451
00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,112
but they're void
of all nutritional value
452
00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:17,656
and in the end,
you kinda regret eating them?
453
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,241
No.
454
00:19:19,241 --> 00:19:21,827
Oh.
455
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:23,329
Well, you do.
456
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:24,789
Oh, yeah?
457
00:19:24,789 --> 00:19:27,375
Well, you know what
you are?
458
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:28,501
You're peanut brittle.
459
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:30,044
- Excuse me?
- That's right.
460
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:31,420
You're big chunks
of sticky stuff
461
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,631
that doesn't know whether
it's sweet or salty
462
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,716
and you gotta break it up
into little pieces.
463
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,760
Well, that's what
I'm doing to you.
464
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,679
I'm breaking up
into little pieces!
465
00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:47,603
As Ryan and his six-pack
walkedout of the laundry room
466
00:19:47,603 --> 00:19:49,814
it hit me.
467
00:19:49,814 --> 00:19:52,149
I would never see
the gun show again.
468
00:19:53,484 --> 00:19:54,860
What the hell is that?
469
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:56,320
His name is Joe.
470
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,738
He's from New York,
471
00:19:57,738 --> 00:19:59,824
and he runs on old-fashioned
charcoal briquettes.
472
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:01,742
Now let's light
his face on fire
473
00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:06,080
and serve these people
some New York-style dogs.
474
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,458
(Tessa)
The only thing more voracious
thany appetite for Ryan
475
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:12,586
was Chatswin's appetite
for barbecue.
476
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,717
So I don't know what gentoo
penguins eat in the wild
477
00:20:18,717 --> 00:20:20,803
but since
you're in captivity
478
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:23,472
you want a hot dog?
479
00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:24,849
Thanks.
480
00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,600
There he is.
481
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,769
Loved your New York
wieners, George.
482
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:30,229
I could have eaten
a dozen of them.
483
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,064
Utterly delicious.
484
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,816
We'll have to sneak
into a Metropolis sometime,
485
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:36,402
when our wives aren't
looking for a sausage fix.
486
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,737
- Oh. Toodles, George.
- Toodles.
487
00:20:38,737 --> 00:20:40,030
- Mwah.
- Mwah.
488
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,074
Toodles.
489
00:20:42,074 --> 00:20:44,034
Wow.
490
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,912
So I guess our barbecue
was a success.
491
00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,414
High five.
492
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,748
[sighs]
493
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,793
A year ago,
if you'd have told me
494
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:54,545
I'd be high-fiving
over a barbecue
495
00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:56,380
I would have called you
a liar.
496
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,215
Yeah, well, if you told me
I'd be first in line
497
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,552
to see the gun show,
I'd have slapped myself.
498
00:21:01,552 --> 00:21:03,262
Don't slap yourself.
499
00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,473
It was a pretty
impressive gun show.
500
00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,349
I feel like an idiot.
501
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:08,893
Hey, I've been there.
502
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:12,229
I-I once dated this
incredibly beautiful woman
503
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:15,316
who I could hardly stand
being in the same room with.
504
00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,612
I love when you tell
stories about mom.
505
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:24,658
Eat your hot dog.
36747
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