Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

I'm Vicky Pattison.

I'm 38 years old.

CHEERING

And nearly two years ago, I married the man of my dreams.

Twice in fact.

- I do. - Yes! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now I'm facing the biggest question of my life.

You would be a gorgeous mam. Should we start a family?

Do you want a hat? Yeah? She's a natural.

I'm in my late 30s...

Here we have your embryos and eggs. Can I just take a picture?

...so it feels like a now or never conversation.

I'm at this crossroads,

and I don't necessarily know what to do.

My body clock is ticking...

LAUGHTER I've got you!

...and loudly.

I think we should try naturally tonight.

The truth is, I don't know if I want kids...

I really worry that I'm not capable of being a very good mam with PMDD

and it's getting us down.

...and I've finally got the career I've worked my whole life for.

THEY LAUGH

So do I really want to give that up? Something will have to... Give.

...give if you're going to have a baby.

But then, what happens if I don't?

We can just be cool aunties and uncles. I could do that.

Ercan and I have given ourselves six months...

The destination is baby. You're... You're there.

You've arrived. ...to explore every avenue...

My daughter has made my life and completed my life.

All of that is so lovely. I am so sorry.

...and decide once and for all...

Oh! SHOUTS: What is wrong with you?!

...if we're destined to become parents or not.

Everybody's crying, Ercan!

This is why we shouldn't have kids.

Come on then, babies.

I am a proper pro-dog mam.

The way I feel about them lads is unhealthy.

I honestly don't think I could

love anything more than I love these two. I know.

And people get so angry

when I say like, "Oh, they're my kids," and blah, blah, blah.

People just don't understand though. Nah, I know.

People who say that haven't got dogs.

I know. But then, I suppose, we haven't got kids.

We haven't got kids. So what do we know?

Dogs are harder than kids.

Yeah.

Sometimes, right?

Sometimes I look at my gorgeous little life now

with the dogs and the little staycations we do,

and I think, I do like my life now. Yeah, it is nice.

Imagine adding a kid on top of two Labradors. I know.

And it's like, do you want to rock that boat?

And they're no bother now, you know? We've got a lovely life, haven't we?

I do it all, that's why.

Yeah, to be fair, they are no bother for me.

You haven't walked them on your own since the day we got them.

I can't though, they're too strong. It's like I'm BLEEP water-skiing.

I think the way

things have worked out, obviously, with me being so busy.

Yeah.

You've ended up being... More at home. Yeah,

the main... DOG BARKS

...dog parent and I don't see...

I don't see that changing when we have kids. Nor do I.

Like, I think you'd end up being, like, the default parent,

so to speak. Yeah.

That's one of the main reasons why I'm scared.

It's taken us a really long time to change people's opinion of me

and get to a place where, like,

I like myself and I love the work I'm getting

and I'm happy with my life, and the thought

that now I'm going to have to take a step back,

it is... it's quite scary.

This isn't going to be an easy decision for me to make,

but before anything else,

I need to weigh up the good and the bad of parent life,

and decide if it's really for us.

And one mam who will tell it to us straight is Ferne McCann.

DOORBELL RINGS

There she is. Let's go get the door.

We both started out in

reality TV, and we met and became friends on

I'm A Celeb and I've got a lot of love and a lot of time for her.

Hello! Hello, babe! You all right?. Hello, Chloe!

Hi, Finty! Oh, she looks class, Ferne. You all right?

Oh! You look gorgeous. Thank you, babe. So do you. Hi, little one.

Say, "Hi, Vicky."

I'm really proud of how she manages to juggle her career

and her family and sort of make it look easy.

Can you say Vicky? She's been saying your name.

Vicky. VICKY GASPS

Yeah! You so smart!

WHISPERS: She is so cute.

Finty is cuter than a bunny in a bow tie.

Seeing her makes my ovaries ache.

Did you feel like, mate, when you were chocka

and like, yeah, they're on everywhere, with the telly and,

like, all your other projects and stuff,

it was really hard to be a present mam?

Yeah, it's, it's hard now, and I'm doing less.

Yeah. I cannot tell you how many times I've messaged my agent saying,

"But I need to sort childcare."

So I do have a nanny now three days a week because,

Vick, I couldn't sustain it any more.

It's that you can do it all.

I don't believe you can, but you can do an awful lot.

But when they're a baby, they're so portable.

So you could just bring them along. Like, with Sunday,

she used to come to This Morning, she used to come on shoots with me.

Like, you can bring... And you're in the industry where you can. Yeah.

I've spent a lot of time focusing on how my career

would get in the way of me starting a family,

but what I've neglected to think

is that I'm actually in a really privileged position.

My job can be flexible. I can call the shots.

Sometimes I can choose to take a step back.

You won't be able to be doing what you're doing now.

Like, I'm watching your Insta stories and I'm filling in the gaps.

That's only what you see online. It's the podcast,

it's... What else do you... What else? Radio,

your reality show. There's nothing you don't do!

I know. You're left... Something will have to give

if you're going to have a baby.

I said to you when you'd just met Ercan, "Have a baby."

Do you remember? "Do it, babe!"

You was like, "I'm thinking about freezing my eggs."

I was like, "Just have one." Like, "Just do it."

Solid advice. No biggie. Yeah. Don't take my advice,

for goodness' sake! Yeah.

But I'm pleased we froze our eggs, mate. I am.

Because it's given us, like, that little bit of,

I suppose, cushion. Like, I'm 38 this year.

Because you know what it's like, you take a couple of months off

or whatever and there's someone else.

Oh, my God. Trust me, I know. No...

We all live in fear of it. Yeah. So there's that.

But also, as well, mate, there's this thing where, like,

we really like our life. Yes, OK. I have two dogs. So you...?

So you're not sure? You're on the fence?

Really on the fence, mate.

Everything that I've ever done,

having my kids was...

Was and is the best thing.

Like, they bring so much. Yeah, you can see. So much.

I don't like this term because I feel like

it puts loads of pressure on women,

but I do feel like you're just a natural mam.

Sometimes I wonder I don't have that.

Oh, babe, you will! You will!

But listen, you're doing the nap time.

I don't feel like I should be responsible for this.

It's making us sweat from behind the knees.

When you say "Nap time," will she just tell me she's tired?

No, she's not going to. She'll be up.

She'd, like... If you didn't put her down,

she'll just be partying and playing and,

yeah, loving life. And we don't want that?

No. She's got to go down for the nap.

This feels above my paygrade. No.

Right, listen, you're absolutely made for this.

What did you say?

I done poo.

Oh, perfect. She's done a poo. I think you should do it.

Don't smudge it in,

cos Auntie Vicky's going to change your pooey bum.

I'm absolutely fine with picking up dog poo.

And honestly, with my two lads, they're practically horses,

they're absolutely massive.

And I will do that every day of the week.

It doesn't faze us at all.

Right, hold your nose. VICKY GAGS

No, I can't do it.

It's no judgment. I'm so sorry. Oh, my... It's the sweetcorn? Yeah.

There is something about children's poo that makes me feel ill.

And I know that is so bad.

You absolutely stink, baby. Stinky! You're stinky!

The thought of changing a nappy makes my heart beat

like I'm being hunted for sport.

In the bum-bums! Where's your pants? I've got your pants.

Get your trousers back on. Right, you can do five minutes of play,

and then I'd lay her down.

I think she'll be good as gold for you. I've got a feeling.

You've got about five minutes of winding down play.

What does that look like? Not that. OK.

VICKY LAUGHS

Don't forget, she's got to go to sleep within 15 minutes.

15 minutes. I've got it! Right. We'll be fine.

Ferne has just left, and she made the

process sound, like, really straightforward.

But I reckon I could still probably find a way to fuck it up.

Where is the bairn? So Finty's outside now,

and I'm meant to be putting her to bed,

almost, like, with immediate effect.

And she doesn't seem to give a shit.

She's picking up bark and leaves.

I think I've got... I think I've got to be quite firm in this scenario.

Ferne strikes me as somebody who has a schedule and wants to keep it.

And I'm not going to take the piss, so...

I've never been less confident in my life.

I'm really out of my comfort zone.

You've got some more?! Oh, I don't think this is quite

what your ma had in mind with that lovely outfit!

Howay, then, pet.

This feels like you're going to slip,

and I'm going to get the blame!

SING–SONG: Clean them up! Clean them up!

Time to go-go nap-naps.

You want to come nap-naps with me?

Yeah. Yeah, that's my pretty girl.

Come on then, baby.

Oh, I love you! Let's go.

Where's your bedroom, poppet?

Oh, this looks like it's your bedroom.

I am really feeling the pressure. Ferne's fucked off,

there was some sort of sleepy window,

which potentially I think I've missed,

and now I don't know what's going to happen.

Right. So it's sleep-sleep time. Oh, OK.

She's not tired. She kind of told me she might not be, so that's OK.

But also I can't work out where the head goes in this.

Like a long sock. Is it like a sock?

Squish-squish!

Where's Mummy gone?

She's just nipped out for a minute, babes. She'll be back.

I'm not normally a dishonest person, but there is absolutely no way

I'm telling Finty that her mam has left me in charge.

I don't want to worry the poor bairn.

OK, so I just need... Oh, wait a minute.

Let's put these sleep sounds on. Mummy, Mummy, Mummy...

How do we...? Mummy...

Oh, look. Sleep sounds.

SHE MUTTERS QUIETLY

Right, so how does your mammy normally do this?

Does she...? Is it, like, round your...?

Oh, I think I've worked it out!

Mummy... I know, I wish she was here too.

We do this? One, two, three.

OK. That's good.

And then this, I think, is a sleep sound machine.

FINTY WHINES It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.

I've never felt more stressed out,

I've never felt more out of my depth.

I'm totally spiralling,

I'm worrying that I'm traumatising the bairn.

I need Ferne to come home now.

Sitting right here. Come and sit with me.

Mummy...

It's OK, it's OK. CRYING: Mummy!

"'Children,' says Madame Gazelle,

"'today we have a special person coming to teach you basketball.'"

Look!

She was just really like "Mummy, Mummy, Mummy,"

and I got really panicked. Oh, no.

You OK?

You miss me?

I'm sweating, for starters. I'm absolutely still sweating.

I feel like I haven't quite got the authority or the confidence.

I just let them get away with murder.

And then when it comes to the hard stuff, I just crumble.

Ferne, I'm so sorry, mate. LAUGHING: It's not you.

I'm sorry. No, it's not you. It is me. I did all the...

Like, we fine with all, like... Me and her playing was lovely,

but then...

I just haven't got that, like, mam authoritative energy.

No, you have, you have. OK.

She's a tricky sleeper. Yeah. She's fun, she loves fun.

And... Yeah, she's amazing.

I'm going to go. You've got to deal with that.

Sorry. I feel like I fumbled the task.

No, you haven't. You was perfect.

I can hear she's calming down now anyway. Do you think?

FINTY CRIES

I'm just going to go and sit in there and just do a bit of shushing.

Babes. Oh, you look gorgeous.

I love you. Love you, babe. So sorry about that, Ferne.

That's all right. No, you're fine. OK. Thank you! Bye.

FINTY WAILS

I'm done in. How was today?

I'm looking for a nicer way to say "awful," because that feels...

It feels really bad to say that.

Like, she's a wicked baby but... Hard work? Aye.

I know. And, like, you know when you're playing with them

and everything, it's, like all candyfloss and kittens, like...

Smiles and she's happy and... It's lush.

And then when you've got to get her to sleep, you think,

"Fucking hell, were you sent straight from the devil to test me?"

And I just don't know how Ferne does it.

Like, Ferne came back. Yeah? I was so relieved. So relieved.

And I was doing a shite job as well, you know?

I was, I was doing a shite job. Why would you say that?

I'm sure you've done an amazing job. Nah.

In all honesty, cards on the table,

like, it left me feeling really defeated today.

Yeah. Like, it's really hard. Hard, it's hard.

Like, I don't know if actually... It's fine. ..I'll be a...

I don't know if I'd be a very good mam.

We don't have to have kids. We're quite happy the way we are.

I mean, listen, I'm not 110% either, in.

I've just started a new business, and I'm, like, stressing over that.

God!

We can just be cool aunties and uncles.

I could... I could do that.

I think that's who I am.

No, I do.

I'm quite happy now, you know? Yeah. Yep.

I'm so happy. I'm very happy.

I love you, and I love the dogs,

and I love my job.

I'm just scared that one day I'm going to wake up

and think it wasn't enough.

You know what I mean? That's what I get scared of.

The way my head's at now, I'm like...

...it's a big, big commitment. I love you.

I love you. Right, I'm going to bed.

I'm so tired too. Turn the lights off?

♪ Thinkin' 'bout me every night, oh

♪ Is it that sweet? I guess so

♪ Say you can't sleep, baby, I know

♪ That's that me espresso... ♪

Me and Erc have a really healthy relationship,

with honest and open lines of communication,

and we are forever talking about what our future looks like,

whether we're going to have children,

whether we're going to remain child-free,

you know, our timelines and stuff.

But sometimes it's really nice to get a different opinion,

a second opinion.

Hello, petal! Hello!

One person I can always rely on is my mam.

So I feel like I need to go to Newcastle, see her and just...

...get her opinion on it all.

I'm finally getting the jobs I want, I'm finally being taken seriously.

I'm on a trajectory I want, and the thought of taking

a year and a half, two years, whatever it is off scares me.

Why do you need to take two years off

to have a baby? I would have went straight back,

but I waited till you were four months old.

My mam is actually the original boss bitch.

I think in my head I had this idea

of her being, like, an earth mother who,

you know, no epidural, just gave birth to me in a field

and gave up work the moment of conception.

And actually she was back at graft, she was very progressive.

She was both a mother and a businesswoman, you know?

And maybe that's where I get it from.

Maybe that gives us hope.

So do you think you're not ready yet?

You know, I want to spend a little bit more time as a wife

before I'm a mam.

I totally agree with you because I met your dad, as you know,

when we were at school. In the womb?

Not quite. But I didn't start going out with him till I was 16,

didn't get married till we were 24. We didn't have you until I was 29.

People were shocked that we waited till then.

Everybody was like, "When...?"

Because you get engaged and they want you to get married,

and then you get married, and then they want you to have a family.

And then it's, "When are you having your second one?"

Since the moment me and Erc got married -

well, since the moment we met - it was like... People were like,

"When are yous getting engaged? When are you getting engaged?"

And then we got engaged, it was,

"When's the big day? When are you getting married?"

And, like, I suppose I didn't matter... Mind all that stuff

because I knew that's where we were going... Mm-hm.

But the "It'll be babies next, it'll be babies next" thing

always leaves a bit of a bitter taste in my mouth.

But you've got loads of friends. You've got friends with kids.

You know, you don't have to have your own

to have children in your life any more.

My fear is, Mam, and this is...

Come on. My fear is that I'm just going to wake up one day

and realise that, like,

holidays and handbags and lie-ins

are not that important.

They're all just really superficial and futile.

And I'll be devastated if I've missed my chance to be

a mam or have a family... Mm-hm.

...because I am getting very close to a point

where I really have to make a decision.

So yes, my greatest fear is that I'm happy now

and that there's just going to be some sort of penny drops

in the next couple of years and I'll have waited too long.

I think that's what I worry about.

You would be a gorgeous mam because that's...

That's just the person you are.

I could just see you, you'd be absolutely beautiful.

So you don't need to worry about that at all.

Pregnancy, on the other hand...

THEY LAUGH

...I think you'd be rubbish at.

My mam never fails to give me, like, perspective

when I'm struggling or at a bit of a crossroads in my life.

It makes us think that if, like, I was going to be a mam,

I'd really like to be a mam like her.

Although meeting up with my mam has helped us,

I'm still no closer to making a decision.

And there is one big factor I've yet to consider -

what sort of mam will I be able to be with PMDD?

I was diagnosed with PMDD about three years ago now.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

is a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of women.

Unfortunately, it is often misdiagnosed,

women are dismissed, and it's because of that,

the medical misogyny that I face,

that I feel really passionately

about using my platform to raise awareness.

Hi, babe! Hi! Are you OK? Good to see you.

Good to see you, too. Thank you so much for meeting us.

Last year I made a film for Good Morning Britain,

and part of that was I met these incredible,

brave and inspirational women

who were dealing with different female health issues.

I was lucky enough to meet Rachael, who is dealing with PMDD as well.

How have you been, mate, cos it's been a minute since I've seen you.

It has, yeah. I'm good, kids are growing. Happy, healthy.

Rachael is amazing, and I feel like she's the perfect person

for me to talk to.

Not only does she have the same condition as me,

but she has four kids.

Obviously me and Erc got married about a year and a half ago now.

It's gone like that.

So we are now in this position where we're trying to make

a decision about what our future looks like

and whether that is, you know,

if we're fortunate enough to have children, whether it's that,

or whether we're really content being sort of, like, doggy parents,

essentially child-free. Like, we're just looking at it,

and I'm getting scared a little bit, Rach, because obviously

my PMDD is such a huge part of my life,

and I have to consider it when I make any decision.

Like, if I take a job, like, I have to look at

where it falls in my cycle.

Like, I can't have it around my luteal phase.

And I just really worry about

what type of mam I'm going to be able to be with PMDD.

The best way I can describe PMDD

is you build this, like, sand castle of good habits,

of positive behaviours of great relationships,

and then this wave comes

and just destroys it and takes it all away.

It manifests itself different in everybody,

but I get anxiety and exhaustion, body dysmorphia...

...I can't sleep at night.

And also in the more scary moments,

I get some quite dark thoughts,

and it can be quite debilitating.

Like, I do feel like my symptoms are getting worse as I get older.

I found out that it can affect your libido,

which honestly, not to be too graphic,

but if you ask my husband, who will definitely

tell you that's played a big part.

Like, I do feel like my libido is low

and I feel less sexy and things like that.

And don't even get us started about my emotional regulation, mate.

Oh, my gosh, yeah. It goes out the window.

Oh, out the window. I'm... Two weeks, your luteal phase.

If it's two weeks of a month, it's half my kid's life

that I'm going to be this version of myself that I absolutely hate.

I really worry that I'm not capable of being a very good mam with PMDD,

and it's getting us down.

I just want to say that I think the fact

that you're thinking about those things,

I hope you take that as reassurance that you are going to be a good mum.

Like, the kid's not even here and you're already thinking about, like,

how you can be the best mum you can be.

A lot of it comes down to communication.

My kids are so happy. They're gorgeous.

Like, you've met some of them. Yeah. And it's not that it's always easy.

There are times where I'm more short with them,

I'm more irritable.

So if you know that it's going to be harder

for you in that time, as they get older,

you talk to them, you help them understand it.

And when you mess up, which you will, you apologise.

It can still be a really beautiful journey.

Did you feel any type of way before you started having your children?

Were you worried about how...? Yeah. You were?

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I was terrified. I was like,

"I'm not ready to be a mum. I'm going to be a terrible mum."

As soon as she came out, all of that anxiety,

it went away because I just loved her

and it helped me see my hormones differently

because the same hormones that were, like,

you know, attacking me and stressing me out,

they helped me to bond with my baby and just instantly love her

and instantly feel that everything's going to be OK.

PMDD is hard, but I no longer see it as,

"Oh, it's a version of myself I hate."

I see it as "That's a more truthful version of myself

"that I need to be cautious with."

You can still be a great mum, but it's terrifying.

I'm really grateful. Like, you've given us a lot of information.

It's a hard journey, but it's worth it.

I love you, Rach. Thank you. Have a cuddle, if that's all right.

Yeah, of course.

Sitting down with Rachael, she made me believe

that I could not only survive as a mam,

but actually thrive despite of my PMDD.

She allowed me to entertain a world where I could use my PMDD

to teach me children to be, like, emotionally intelligent, patient,

kind, understanding. And, honestly, that is not something

I've ever allowed myself to think before.

I'm really grateful to her for that.

♪ Free yourself

♪ Keep on moving up that mountain... /

Paw. Sit!

After meeting Rachael, it did get us thinking about my low libido,

and how that's not exactly ideal if we want to try for a baby.

So I've been proactive and booked a sex therapist

to come and meet me and Erc -

and I have never been more uncomfortable in my life.

Tell me a little bit about your journey in regards to talking to me.

OK. Me and Erc met really organically about...

Nearly eight years ago now. We had, like, no house and, you know,

it was all fancy date nights in hotels and no dogs.

Very footloose and fancy free. Yeah. We were having a lot of sex.

A good time. Yeah. A good time. A good time. A good time, yeah.

But, like over the years with, like, everything,

like, our priorities seem to have changed.

And as I said over the phone, I suffer with PMDD,

which affects my libido as well.

And we are definitely having less sex.

I don't feel any type of way about it, but I know he does.

OK. And if that means a couple adjustments,

I'm more than up for that. Yeah, and that's all...

That's usually what it takes. It's just sort of a little bit of

awareness about creating those opportunities sometimes,

or just thinking a little bit more about,

"Do you know what, I might send him a bit of a text this morning,"

or, "I might just," you know...

A rudie..? Rudie-trudie text?

Well... Could possibly, seeing on how you feel.

It's like, "No, how are YOU doing?"

Or actually, "You look really gorgeous."

"How's your dick?" I don't know why I did that.

It's just uncomfortable, I'm really sorry.

ALISON LAUGHS It was childish.

No, not at all.

Hey, petal, are you OK?

Good. Hi! I was talking... I was talking about you.

I'm getting... I heard, "Sex in the shower." No, you didn't!

That's what I heard. You didn't.

I was like, "I came in at the right time."

You can fuck right off. She hasn't mentioned... OK, sorry.

Bye! Good to see you.

If I could wave a magic wand for you,

what would you love to happen

in terms of, like, your kind of sexual dynamic?

Just up the numbers, really. Up the numbers.

As in... You're so romantic.

More intimacy, more time together.

As soon as the dogs did arrive... Yeah.

...in terms of sex, obviously slowed down.

That's fair. It's really interesting,

because that's kind of when you became a Mummy and a Daddy, I guess.

Yeah, I suppose it's normal. I suppose, like any other parent,

when they have a newborn or they have kids,

it does slow down. Yeah, yeah.

I definitely don't fancy you any less.

Nothing to do with us, it's just...

...a lack of physical action.

Like, you know, when you used to be, like, younger

and you'd, like, walk downstairs

in your mam and dad's house after having sex... Urgh...

I feel like that's what it's like with the dogs.

Where is this going? I feel judged. I feel judged by my Labrador.

Sure they can keep each other company

if we put a little film on for them,

give them a little treat or a bone,

we can go upstairs and do it for a few minutes.

And I can get your bone.

I thought that's what you were going to say!

God help me!

We're going to do a few little bits of homework in between now

and kind of when I next see you, if that's OK.

Are you guys up for that? Yeah. I was a swot at school,

so I can do homework. Ah, OK. And I feel like you had Erc

because he thinks it's going to be sexy homework.

If it leads to some sexual activities, then I am in.

So what are we going to do is simmering,

and that's actually keeping kind of the intimacy,

the tactile kind of thing alive.

So that can start off with just incidental cuddles in the kitchen,

it can be cuddles on the sofa,

but keeping it kind of on the agenda so that you're creating situations

where actually intimacy can happen.

Because it's a bit like turning on a light switch.

It's like, "Right, bang. Woo! Be sexy now."

And it's that's... That's really unrealistic, isn't it?

And remember, when we're talking about sex,

we're not necessarily just saying, like, penetrative sex.

It could be taking a shower together -

I know that's risky, but it could be.

So, yeah, it might start with the chat.

It might start as a little cuddle

in the kitchen, you know... Cooking a bacon sandwich.

That's not a sexy food.

What would be a sexy food for you guys?

Like, a nice warm French stick

with some cheese, olives and a bit of onion.

Olives, sexy?

Some chutney, some... um...

LAUGHING: You're just talking about food now.

Sometimes it's about setting a time of day

or a day when you know that you've got a little bit more time.

If I came home from work and you had, like, a nice

glass of rose for us and that,

and we had, like, a bit of a, like,

half an hour just chatting about our day,

I think I would be in the mood for it. OK.

We'd had, like, good communication through the day,

and then we could go upstairs, do it and come down

and then have our dinner and some time with the dogs.

Is that not the perfect day? That sounds amazing. Perfect.

Do you know what? I'm actually ready for this.

Let the simmering begin.

So am I. I'm ready to do some homework.

Oh, you had to ruin it, didn't you?!

Scruff. Don't wink at me! Cheeky wink.

Let the simmering begin.

You can take it to your daddy. ERCAN: What's he got?

This has come through the door. It's my at-home fertility test.

At-home fertility test. Yeah.

The last time I got my fertility checked

was a good few years ago now.

And honestly, like, fertility years are like dog years.

It just feels like after 35,

you are... made to feel, like...

Old. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

So this is going to check what?

If you're still egging, basically.

Which means if you're still capable.

So this checks out your hormone levels,

it checks, like, how many eggs you've got,

like, viable ones in order to make a baby.

Because that's how a baby is made. Your hormones are very high, so...

I have habitually had my eggs referred to as geriatric,

which is obviously a bit of a punch in the dick.

Erc, on the other hand, has had his sperm referred to,

in a professional setting, as super... Drum roll!

LAUGHING: Super swimmers.

I'll take it. And I swear to God, he has never let me forget it.

Agh! It's like a little prick, man. You fucker! Wooh!

Now that we have sort of...

A few years have passed,

I feel like we need just a little bit of a check-in

to work out exactly where we're at now,

where we stand and what our options are.

Like, milk it like a cow.

I don't want you to milk it.

What is wrong with you?!

You reckon we could scoop it up?

No, we can't scoop it up. You've fucked it.

When I was about 35,

Erc and my relationship was still in its infancy, in my opinion,

and it was probably a bit too soon

to be having conversations about where we thought it was going

and if we were going to be parents and things like that.

But I was aware of all of the scaremongering

around women's fertility

and how hard healthy pregnancies are as you get older.

So we made the decision to freeze some eggs and create embryos.

But now we're having these serious conversations

and deciding if we're going to start a family,

and I just have this burning desire to go and visit my little embryos.

I just want to make sure they're OK.

So, Vicky, here are your embryos, OK?

You had three embryos frozen at blastocyst stage.

They were all absolutely beautiful quality, OK?

Would you like to see it? OK. OK.

This is just after injecting the sperm into it,

so you can see that this is your egg.

We put the sperm in and then...

No?! ..if you see here is the first step

where you can see two little pronuclei coming out.

Those things? Yes, these are really the energy of the cell

so that it can start dividing.

That's me and Ercan literally becoming one?

And look - and then we start having the embryo, creating...

Splitting into cells. Two cells, four cells.

It will go all the way to eight cells.

And then the most beautiful moment of creating the blastocyst.

I think I'm biased, but I reckon he's cute already.

I underestimated the egg freezing process.

I was unprepared for the judgment that came with it.

So many people just had so many opinions,

and I actually found it really overwhelming.

So afterwards I compartmentalised very hard.

I just sort of put a pin in it.

But going to visit my embryos now has me feeling really emotional.

They're like the first tiny iteration of me and Erc, you know?

What chance, in a statistic sort of form,

have I got of that being a successful pregnancy?

Can you tell me that?

So an AA embryo, Vicky, based on your age and your medical history,

but also, most importantly,

on the values that we have here, on the analysis on the AA,

will be approximately 50% clinical pregnancy rate,

which is quite high. That's good. Yeah.

I feel so privileged

that I was able to freeze my eggs and create embryos with Ercan.

I absolutely know it's not something that everyone can afford to do -

it's not cheap, you know.

And it has provided me and Ercan with a little bit of a security net,

and I am really grateful for that.

I just wish it was available for everybody.

Although there is no guarantee,

you are in a good starting position, for sure.

Would you like to actually see

where your frozen embryos or eggs are?

I can meet them? Yes. Shall we go and have a look?

Yes, I would! Let's do that.

Welcome to our storage room.

Please take that.

LAUGHING: So much sperm!

Here we have your embryos and eggs, OK?

They're in four little devices.

So embryos AND eggs? Yes, yes.

They're keeping company to each other.

You see, it says VP? Is that them?!

It's so small!

I'll show you everything.

It's so tiny! Can I just take a picture?

Yes. Baby's first photograph!

DOCTOR LAUGHS

Oh, look at them!

I wasn't expecting to feel this emotional

or this attached to my embryos,

which is absolutely fucking ridiculous,

because I am THE most emotional person in the world.

Can I have one more? And I don't want to leave them here.

I want to take them home and put them

in my freezer next to my fish fingers.

I think maybe...

...I'm more prepared for this than I thought.

So you know how I went to see my embryos?

Yes. Our embryos, actually. Our embryos, jeez.

I thought with it being such a clinical setting

that I wouldn't feel any type of way.

But actually, I did feel really emotional.

I see the emotional side to that because it is quite special.

So Alison said we need to start simmering.

Don't pull that face. Don't... Ssss-sexual.

Remember, simmering is about how you treat us throughout the day,

warming us up, because I'm not like a light switch.

You can't just... I understand.

Do you know what I mean? I know. I need to be romanced.

OK. Wooed.

It's like a slow burner, you know? What if you're not home?

Do it via message, like Alison said.

Sexting? No, not sexting. And I do NOT want to see

a picture of your dick in my fucking photograph...

I'm not sending no dick pictures. Good. Why are you smiling?

I could do. Cheeky one in the toilet. No...

Just, like, throughout the day, nice messages, like...

I already do! I know, but, like, give it a little sexual note,

a little romantic undertone. OK.

And then I'll make sure we've got a bottle of wine,

a French stick... Why a French stick?

...with some olives, cheese...

...and then the simmering can begin.

Yeah?

I think we should try it, actually, tonight.

Hello, baby! Are you ready? Yes, you are!

Are you ready for your PAW-ty? Are you ready?

PUP-uccino bar! Oh, my God!

I've spent the last couple of weeks

having some quite intense conversations,

trying to work out what mine and Ercan's next steps look like -

if we are going to have children.

If we do, how are we going to have children?

So I'm really looking forward to just parking that

and celebrating my babies.

Today, the light of my life, my reason for living,

Max, turns three,

so of course I'm going to throw him

the biggest fucking party anybody has ever seen.

Is this your first dog party? It is, actually, yeah.

First of many. There you go. That's for you.

Thank you so much. Erc, do you know what I've got?

What's that? Cosmo-PAW-litan. Oh, my God!

That's a full one.

You can get a BARK and stormy.

Did I do well? Are you happy?

So happy. So happy. I know. And I know it's, like, your birthday too,

so I did... Joint. Joint. "My" birthday. Yeah.

Somewhere in my obsession and haste

to throw my son the best birthday party ever,

I might have forgotten it's my husband's birthday as well.

Dogs come first, then Vicky...

...then me.

It's a bit of a punch in the dick, isn't it?

Not only do the dogs stop us doing the old mattress mambo,

but now Max has hijacked his dad's birthday as well.

I can see why Erc gets a bit pissed off, you know -

but don't fucking dare tell him.

We just wanted to say a big thank you to everybody

for coming today to celebrate little Max's birthday.

I know I'm over the top, but to me, he is our son.

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Make sure you've got loads of drinks,

loads to eat and let's have a really good day.

Let's get this party started, shall we?

CHEERING

SQUEALING

Everybody's crying, Ercan!

Well, that was good!

Everybody is fuming. This is why we shouldn't have kids.

Cheers. Oh, that's lovely. Nice.

How are things with you and Vicky? Yeah, good.

We had a sex therapist come... Oh, OK.

The other day. How did that go?

So she's given us a bit of homework.

They want us to start simmering. OK.

In other words, make it more... More romantic.

Romantic, yeah. Let me send her a text. Good idea.

Let me start the simmering off. OK.

What can I say? "Let's get it on!" No, no, that's too much.

I'll say, "Babe, you look incredible tonight.

"You've done an amazing thing for Max." OK.

"And I can't wait to spend some time with you tonight."

Spice things up a little bit. Some simmering.

DOG BARKS

I feel like me and Erc definitely think we've got

a taste of what it's like being parents because we've got the dogs.

And we do. We feel the anxiety when we're not with them.

We feel the, like... MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I've never...

Erc's just text. He's just wrote,

"You look incredible today. The day has been amazing.

"Can't wait to spend some time with you tonight."

That made us get butterflies.

I'm not being funny, but I actually might shag him after that.

No, I might!

Yous are sleeping in the spare room tonight, lads.

Could we have an ice cream, please?

Got your text. You got my text?

Oh, OK.

He's gorgeous, Karisma. Yeah, he is.

You must be dead proud. Yeah.

How do you feel like your relationship has changed

since the baby? I'd actually say our relationship

is so much stronger now. Do you think? Yeah.

I bet you... Do you feel like more like a unit?

Yeah, more of a unit. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

The little smile!

Do you know when I see a baby, a really cute one,

and I go, "Oh, my God, my ovaries are screaming!"

What is the male version of that?

Do your sperm sing? Yes.

Do you get tingles? Yeah, I get tingles.

I don't know how to explain it, though.

Testicle tingles!

Oh, my goodness! Do you want a hat, too?

Oh, yes! She's a natural.

She absolutely is, isn't she?

It's not food, I promise. Oh, he thinks it's food.

I just want to say it was lovely to see you with the babies today.

You are an absolute natural. Do you think?

100%. Yeah.

That's a really nice thing to say. I hope I am.

I think you're better than you give yourself credit for as well,

to be fair. Growing up with so many nieces and nephews and stuff. Yes.

Yeah, it's been good and bad.

Honestly, you know what everyone says, Erc?

It's so different when it's your own.

I know. When I think about kids...

...and I know sometimes I feel, like,

really scared and apprehensive and worried that...

Which is normal.

...I haven't got what it takes to be, like, the best mam or whatever,

I also do feel like it would be such a shame

because we've got such lovely families... I know.

...and they'd have so many nice, like,

little cousins and pals and...

I don't know, I think that part really... The next gen.

Yeah! I know. It's going to be... special.

There's a huge part of me that wants a family with you.

But, like, I'd be lying if I said my biggest concern

wasn't still work. How I'm going to navigate...

...being a mam and...

...still being, like, a good wife to you

and having all the other things I want

in my life as well with my schedule as it is.

Listen, that's normal. I think, like...

Look at my brother, he's full-time, they've got a business, so...

We're a team and we're just going to make it work.

Loads of women do it, don't they? Yeah.

I love you. I love you, too.

Last year I took part in Strictly Come Dancing

and it was the most incredible experience of my life.

But it was hard work, don't get us wrong.

And in true Vicky P fashion,

I've also decided now to take part in the arena tour,

which means more hard work and also five weeks away from home.

I'm really out my comfort zone,

and I think the anxiety I feel about the show

and also just, like, dancing in general,

so I think all of that, coupled with the actual physical exertion of it,

I feel like a popped party popper.

And the thought of, like, walking through those doors

after doing the cha-cha, foxtrot, whatever it is, all day,

and then jumping into bed with enthusiasm

and doing a bit of mattress mambo with Erc,

like, I just couldn't... I couldn't imagine anything less appealing.

I've got nothing else to give, man.

Also, I don't know how I'm meant to go home and parent a baby either.

You have this idea in your head of, like,

what mother you're going to be,

and with my schedule the way it is at the minute...

...I just don't know how I'll have the capacity to be that mother.

That really scares us.

That I'll be a bad mam.

I am the breadwinner in our family.

It is unfair.

You have to choose between having the family

or having all the career or... I don't know,

it just feels like women always get the rough end of the deal.

And I don't... I'm at this crossroads

and I don't necessarily know what to do.

I don't know whether to say "Fuck it," and be selfish.

And I know I'll be upset if I don't have family as well.

Sorry.

Next time...

Argh! I miss!

...the baby saga continues...

It's time to stop thinking and start fucking.

...we get our fertility results back.

OK, there's one out of range high.

...and Ercan pulls out all the stops

to try and bring a little romance to our relationship...

This is all simmering, isn't it?

...before we finally make a decision once and for all.

I feel like I've pretty much made my decision.

Have you made your decision? I have as well. I have as well, yeah.

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