All language subtitles for Vicky.Pattison.Maybe.Baby.S01E01.1080p.WEB-DL.H264-P147YPU5_track3_[eng]

This programme contains strong
language

I'm Vicky Pattison.

I'm 38 years old.

CHEERING

And nearly two years ago,
I married the man of my dreams.

Twice in fact.

- I do.
- Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now I'm facing the biggest
question of my life.

You would be a gorgeous mam.
Should we start a family?

Do you want a hat? Yeah?
She's a natural.

I'm in my late 30s...

Here we have your embryos and eggs.
Can I just take a picture?

...so it feels like a now
or never conversation.

I'm at this crossroads,

and I don't necessarily know
what to do.

My body clock is ticking...

LAUGHTER
I've got you!

...and loudly.

I think we should try
naturally tonight.

The truth is, I don't know
if I want kids...

I really worry that I'm not capable
of being a very good mam with PMDD

and it's getting us down.

...and I've finally got the career
I've worked my whole life for.

THEY LAUGH

So do I really want to give that up?
Something will have to... Give.

...give if you're going to have
a baby.

But then, what happens if I don't?

We can just be cool aunties
and uncles. I could do that.

Ercan and I have given ourselves
six months...

The destination is baby.
You're... You're there.

You've arrived.
...to explore every avenue...

My daughter has made my life
and completed my life.

All of that is so lovely.
I am so sorry.

...and decide once and for all...

Oh! SHOUTS: What is wrong with you?!

...if we're destined to become
parents or not.

Everybody's crying, Ercan!

This is why we shouldn't have kids.

Come on then, babies.

I am a proper pro-dog mam.

The way I feel about them lads
is unhealthy.

I honestly don't think I could

love anything more than
I love these two. I know.

And people get so angry

when I say like, "Oh, they're my
kids," and blah, blah, blah.

People just don't understand though.
Nah, I know.

People who say that
haven't got dogs.

I know. But then, I suppose,
we haven't got kids.

We haven't got kids.
So what do we know?

Dogs are harder than kids.

Yeah.

Sometimes, right?

Sometimes I look at my gorgeous
little life now

with the dogs and the little
staycations we do,

and I think, I do like my life now.
Yeah, it is nice.

Imagine adding a kid on top of two
Labradors. I know.

And it's like, do you want to rock
that boat?

And they're no bother now, you know?
We've got a lovely life, haven't we?

I do it all, that's why.

Yeah, to be fair, they are
no bother for me.

You haven't walked them on your own
since the day we got them.

I can't though, they're too strong.
It's like I'm BLEEP water-skiing.

I think the way

things have worked out,
obviously, with me being so busy.

Yeah.

You've ended up being...
More at home. Yeah,

the main...
DOG BARKS

...dog parent and I don't see...

I don't see that changing
when we have kids. Nor do I.

Like, I think you'd end up being,
like, the default parent,

so to speak. Yeah.

That's one of the main reasons
why I'm scared.

It's taken us a really long time
to change people's opinion of me

and get to a place where, like,

I like myself and I love
the work I'm getting

and I'm happy with my life,
and the thought

that now I'm going to have to take
a step back,

it is... it's quite scary.

This isn't going to be an easy
decision for me to make,

but before anything else,

I need to weigh up the good
and the bad of parent life,

and decide if it's really for us.

And one mam who will tell it
to us straight is Ferne McCann.

DOORBELL RINGS

There she is. Let's go get the door.

We both started out in

reality TV, and we met
and became friends on

I'm A Celeb and I've got a lot
of love and a lot of time for her.

Hello! Hello, babe! You all right?.
Hello, Chloe!

Hi, Finty! Oh, she looks class,
Ferne. You all right?

Oh! You look gorgeous. Thank you,
babe. So do you. Hi, little one.

Say, "Hi, Vicky."

I'm really proud of how she manages
to juggle her career

and her family and sort of make it
look easy.

Can you say Vicky?
She's been saying your name.

Vicky.
VICKY GASPS

Yeah! You so smart!

WHISPERS: She is so cute.

Finty is cuter than a bunny
in a bow tie.

Seeing her makes my ovaries ache.

Did you feel like, mate,
when you were chocka

and like, yeah, they're on
everywhere, with the telly and,

like, all your other projects
and stuff,

it was really hard to be
a present mam?

Yeah, it's, it's hard now,
and I'm doing less.

Yeah. I cannot tell you how many
times I've messaged my agent saying,

"But I need to sort childcare."

So I do have a nanny now three days
a week because,

Vick, I couldn't sustain it
any more.

It's that you can do it all.

I don't believe you can,
but you can do an awful lot.

But when they're a baby,
they're so portable.

So you could just bring them along.
Like, with Sunday,

she used to come to This Morning,
she used to come on shoots with me.

Like, you can bring... And you're in
the industry where you can. Yeah.

I've spent a lot of time focusing
on how my career

would get in the way of me
starting a family,

but what I've neglected to think

is that I'm actually in a really
privileged position.

My job can be flexible.
I can call the shots.

Sometimes I can choose to take
a step back.

You won't be able to be doing
what you're doing now.

Like, I'm watching your Insta
stories and I'm filling in the gaps.

That's only what you see online.
It's the podcast,

it's... What else do you...
What else? Radio,

your reality show.
There's nothing you don't do!

I know. You're left...
Something will have to give

if you're going to have a baby.

I said to you when you'd just met
Ercan, "Have a baby."

Do you remember? "Do it, babe!"

You was like, "I'm thinking about
freezing my eggs."

I was like, "Just have one."
Like, "Just do it."

Solid advice. No biggie. Yeah.
Don't take my advice,

for goodness' sake! Yeah.

But I'm pleased we froze our eggs,
mate. I am.

Because it's given us, like,
that little bit of,

I suppose, cushion.
Like, I'm 38 this year.

Because you know what it's like,
you take a couple of months off

or whatever
and there's someone else.

Oh, my God. Trust me, I know.
No...

We all live in fear of it. Yeah.
So there's that.

But also, as well, mate, there's
this thing where, like,

we really like our life.
Yes, OK. I have two dogs. So you...?

So you're not sure? You're on
the fence?

Really on the fence, mate.

Everything that I've ever done,

having my kids was...

Was and is the best thing.

Like, they bring so much. Yeah,
you can see. So much.

I don't like this term because I
feel like

it puts loads
of pressure on women,

but I do feel like you're
just a natural mam.

Sometimes I wonder
I don't have that.

Oh, babe, you will! You will!

But listen,
you're doing the nap time.

I don't feel like
I should be responsible for this.

It's making us sweat from behind
the knees.

When you say "Nap time," will
she just tell me she's tired?

No, she's not going to.
She'll be up.

She'd, like...
If you didn't put her down,

she'll just be partying
and playing and,

yeah, loving life.
And we don't want that?

No. She's got to go
down for the nap.

This feels above my
paygrade. No.

Right, listen, you're absolutely
made for this.

What did you say?

I done poo.

Oh, perfect. She's done a poo.
I think you should do it.

Don't smudge it in,

cos Auntie Vicky's going to change
your pooey bum.

I'm absolutely fine with picking
up dog poo.

And honestly, with my two lads,
they're practically horses,

they're absolutely massive.

And I will do
that every day of the week.

It doesn't faze us at all.

Right, hold your nose.
VICKY GAGS

No, I can't do it.

It's no judgment. I'm so sorry.
Oh, my... It's the sweetcorn? Yeah.

There is something about children's
poo that makes me feel ill.

And I know that is so bad.

You absolutely stink, baby. Stinky!
You're stinky!

The thought of changing
a nappy makes my heart beat

like I'm being hunted for sport.

In the bum-bums! Where's your pants?
I've got your pants.

Get your trousers back on. Right,
you can do five minutes of play,

and then I'd lay her down.

I think she'll be good as gold
for you. I've got a feeling.

You've got about five minutes
of winding down play.

What does that look like?
Not that. OK.

VICKY LAUGHS

Don't forget, she's got to go
to sleep within 15 minutes.

15 minutes. I've got it! Right.
We'll be fine.

Ferne has just left,
and she made the

process sound, like,
really straightforward.

But I reckon I could still probably
find a way to fuck it up.

Where is the bairn?
So Finty's outside now,

and I'm meant to be putting her
to bed,

almost, like, with immediate effect.

And she doesn't seem to give a shit.

She's picking up bark and leaves.

I think I've got... I think I've got
to be quite firm in this scenario.

Ferne strikes me as somebody who
has a schedule and wants to keep it.

And I'm not going to take the piss,
so...

I've never been less confident in my
life.

I'm really out of my comfort zone.

You've got some more?! Oh,
I don't think this is quite

what your ma had
in mind with that lovely outfit!

Howay, then, pet.

This feels like you're going to
slip,

and I'm going to get the blame!

SING–SONG: Clean them up! Clean them
up!

Time to go-go nap-naps.

You want to come nap-naps with me?

Yeah. Yeah, that's my pretty girl.

Come on then, baby.

Oh, I love you! Let's go.

Where's your bedroom, poppet?

Oh, this looks like it's your
bedroom.

I am really feeling the pressure.
Ferne's fucked off,

there was some sort
of sleepy window,

which potentially I
think I've missed,

and now I don't
know what's going to happen.

Right. So it's sleep-sleep time.
Oh, OK.

She's not tired. She kind of told me
she might not be, so that's OK.

But also I can't work out where the
head goes in this.

Like a long sock. Is it like a sock?

Squish-squish!

Where's Mummy gone?

She's just nipped out for a minute,
babes. She'll be back.

I'm not normally a dishonest person,
but there is absolutely no way

I'm telling Finty
that her mam has left me in charge.

I don't want to worry the poor
bairn.

OK, so I just need...
Oh, wait a minute.

Let's put these sleep sounds on.
Mummy, Mummy, Mummy...

How do we...? Mummy...

Oh, look. Sleep sounds.

SHE MUTTERS QUIETLY

Right, so how does your mammy
normally do this?

Does she...? Is it, like, round
your...?

Oh, I think I've worked it out!

Mummy... I know,
I wish she was here too.

We do this? One, two, three.

OK. That's good.

And then this, I think,
is a sleep sound machine.

FINTY WHINES
It's OK, it's OK, it's OK.

I've never felt more stressed out,

I've never felt more
out of my depth.

I'm totally spiralling,

I'm worrying
that I'm traumatising the bairn.

I need Ferne to come home now.

Sitting right here. Come and sit
with me.

Mummy...

It's OK, it's OK. CRYING: Mummy!

"'Children,' says Madame Gazelle,

"'today we have a special person
coming to teach you basketball.'"

Look!

She was just really like "Mummy,
Mummy, Mummy,"

and I got really panicked. Oh, no.

You OK?

You miss me?

I'm sweating, for starters.
I'm absolutely still sweating.

I feel like I haven't quite got
the authority or the confidence.

I just let them get away with
murder.

And then when it comes
to the hard stuff, I just crumble.

Ferne, I'm so sorry, mate.
LAUGHING: It's not you.

I'm sorry. No, it's not you.
It is me. I did all the...

Like, we fine with all, like...
Me and her playing was lovely,

but then...

I just haven't got that, like,
mam authoritative energy.

No, you have, you have.
OK.

She's a tricky sleeper.
Yeah. She's fun, she loves fun.

And... Yeah, she's amazing.

I'm going to go.
You've got to deal with that.

Sorry.
I feel like I fumbled the task.

No, you haven't. You was perfect.

I can hear she's calming down now
anyway. Do you think?

FINTY CRIES

I'm just going to go and sit in
there and just do a bit of shushing.

Babes.
Oh, you look gorgeous.

I love you. Love you, babe.
So sorry about that, Ferne.

That's all right. No, you're fine.
OK. Thank you! Bye.

FINTY WAILS

I'm done in. How was today?

I'm looking for a nicer way to say
"awful," because that feels...

It feels really bad to say that.

Like, she's a wicked baby
but... Hard work? Aye.

I know. And, like, you know when
you're playing with them

and everything, it's, like
all candyfloss and kittens, like...

Smiles and she's happy and...
It's lush.

And then when you've got to get her
to sleep, you think,

"Fucking hell, were you sent
straight from the devil to test me?"

And I just don't know how Ferne
does it.

Like, Ferne came back. Yeah?
I was so relieved. So relieved.

And I was doing a shite job as well,
you know?

I was, I was doing a shite job.
Why would you say that?

I'm sure you've done an amazing job.
Nah.

In all honesty, cards on the table,

like, it left me feeling
really defeated today.

Yeah. Like, it's really hard.
Hard, it's hard.

Like, I don't know if actually...
It's fine. ..I'll be a...

I don't know
if I'd be a very good mam.

We don't have to have kids.
We're quite happy the way we are.

I mean, listen, I'm not 110% either, in.

I've just started a new business,
and I'm, like, stressing over that.

God!

We can just be cool
aunties and uncles.

I could... I could do that.

I think that's who I am.

No, I do.

I'm quite happy now, you know?
Yeah. Yep.

I'm so happy. I'm very happy.

I love you,
and I love the dogs,

and I love my job.

I'm just scared that one day I'm
going to wake up

and think it wasn't enough.

You know what I mean?
That's what I get scared of.

The way my head's at now, I'm
like...

...it's a big, big commitment.
I love you.

I love you. Right, I'm going to bed.

I'm so tired too.
Turn the lights off?

♪ Thinkin' 'bout me every night, oh

♪ Is it that sweet? I guess so

♪ Say you can't sleep, baby, I know

♪ That's that me espresso... ♪

Me and Erc have a really
healthy relationship,

with honest and open lines of
communication,

and we are forever talking about
what our future looks like,

whether we're going
to have children,

whether we're going
to remain child-free,

you know, our timelines and stuff.

But sometimes it's really
nice to get a different opinion,

a second opinion.

Hello, petal! Hello!

One person I can always rely on
is my mam.

So I feel like I need to go to
Newcastle, see her and just...

...get her opinion on it all.

I'm finally getting the jobs I want,
I'm finally being taken seriously.

I'm on a trajectory I want,
and the thought of taking

a year and a half, two years,
whatever it is off scares me.

Why do you need
to take two years off

to have a baby?
I would have went straight back,

but I waited till you were
four months old.

My mam is actually the original
boss bitch.

I think in my head I had this idea

of her being, like,
an earth mother who,

you know, no epidural,
just gave birth to me in a field

and gave up work the moment of
conception.

And actually she was back at graft,
she was very progressive.

She was both a mother
and a businesswoman, you know?

And maybe that's
where I get it from.

Maybe that gives us hope.

So do you think you're
not ready yet?

You know, I want to spend a little
bit more time as a wife

before I'm a mam.

I totally agree with you
because I met your dad, as you know,

when we were at school. In the womb?

Not quite. But I didn't start going
out with him till I was 16,

didn't get married till we were 24.
We didn't have you until I was 29.

People were shocked
that we waited till then.

Everybody was like, "When...?"

Because you get engaged
and they want you to get married,

and then you get married, and then
they want you to have a family.

And then it's, "When are you
having your second one?"

Since the moment me and Erc got
married -

well, since the moment we met -
it was like... People were like,

"When are yous getting engaged? When
are you getting engaged?"

And then we got engaged, it was,

"When's the big day? When are you
getting married?"

And, like, I suppose I didn't
matter... Mind all that stuff

because I knew that's
where we were going... Mm-hm.

But the "It'll be babies next,
it'll be babies next" thing

always leaves a bit of a bitter
taste in my mouth.

But you've got loads of friends.
You've got friends with kids.

You know, you don't
have to have your own

to have children
in your life any more.

My fear is, Mam, and this is...

Come on. My fear is that I'm just
going to wake up one day

and realise that, like,

holidays and handbags and lie-ins

are not that important.

They're all just really superficial
and futile.

And I'll be devastated
if I've missed my chance to be

a mam or have a family... Mm-hm.

...because I am getting very close to
a point

where I really have to make a
decision.

So yes, my greatest fear is
that I'm happy now

and that there's just going
to be some sort of penny drops

in the next couple of years
and I'll have waited too long.

I think that's what I worry about.

You would be a gorgeous mam
because that's...

That's just the person you are.

I could just see you, you'd be
absolutely beautiful.

So you don't need to worry about
that at all.

Pregnancy, on the other hand...

THEY LAUGH

...I think you'd be rubbish at.

My mam never fails to give me, like,
perspective

when I'm struggling or at a bit of a
crossroads in my life.

It makes us think that if,
like, I was going to be a mam,

I'd really like to be
a mam like her.

Although meeting
up with my mam has helped us,

I'm still no closer to making
a decision.

And there is one big factor I've yet
to consider -

what sort of mam will I be able
to be with PMDD?

I was diagnosed with PMDD
about three years ago now.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

is a condition that affects hundreds
of thousands of women.

Unfortunately,
it is often misdiagnosed,

women are dismissed, and it's
because of that,

the medical misogyny that I face,

that I feel really passionately

about using my platform
to raise awareness.

Hi, babe! Hi! Are you OK?
Good to see you.

Good to see you, too.
Thank you so much for meeting us.

Last year I made a film
for Good Morning Britain,

and part of
that was I met these incredible,

brave and inspirational women

who were dealing
with different female health issues.

I was lucky enough to meet Rachael,
who is dealing with PMDD as well.

How have you been, mate, cos it's
been a minute since I've seen you.

It has, yeah. I'm good, kids are
growing. Happy, healthy.

Rachael is amazing, and I feel like
she's the perfect person

for me to talk to.

Not only does she have the same
condition as me,

but she has four kids.

Obviously me and Erc got married
about a year and a half ago now.

It's gone like that.

So we are now in this position
where we're trying to make

a decision about
what our future looks like

and whether that is, you know,

if we're fortunate enough to have
children, whether it's that,

or whether we're really content
being sort of, like, doggy parents,

essentially child-free.
Like, we're just looking at it,

and I'm getting scared a little bit,
Rach, because obviously

my PMDD is such a huge part of my
life,

and I have to consider it
when I make any decision.

Like, if I take a job,
like, I have to look at

where it falls in my cycle.

Like, I can't have it around my
luteal phase.

And I just really worry about

what type of mam I'm going to be
able to be with PMDD.

The best way I can describe PMDD

is you build this, like, sand castle
of good habits,

of positive behaviours
of great relationships,

and then this wave comes

and just destroys it
and takes it all away.

It manifests itself different
in everybody,

but I get anxiety and exhaustion,
body dysmorphia...

...I can't sleep at night.

And also in the more scary moments,

I get some quite dark thoughts,

and it can be quite debilitating.

Like, I do feel like my symptoms
are getting worse as I get older.

I found out
that it can affect your libido,

which honestly,
not to be too graphic,

but if you ask my husband,
who will definitely

tell you that's played a big part.

Like, I do feel like my libido is
low

and I feel less sexy
and things like that.

And don't even get us started about
my emotional regulation, mate.

Oh, my gosh, yeah. It goes out the
window.

Oh, out the window.
I'm... Two weeks, your luteal phase.

If it's two weeks of a month,
it's half my kid's life

that I'm going to be this version
of myself that I absolutely hate.

I really worry that I'm not capable
of being a very good mam with PMDD,

and it's getting us down.

I just want to say
that I think the fact

that you're thinking
about those things,

I hope you take that as reassurance
that you are going to be a good mum.

Like, the kid's not even here and
you're already thinking about, like,

how you can be the best mum you can
be.

A lot of it comes
down to communication.

My kids are so happy.
They're gorgeous.

Like, you've met some of them. Yeah.
And it's not that it's always easy.

There are times
where I'm more short with them,

I'm more irritable.

So if you know
that it's going to be harder

for you in that time,
as they get older,

you talk to them,
you help them understand it.

And when you mess up, which you
will, you apologise.

It can still be
a really beautiful journey.

Did you feel any type of way before
you started having your children?

Were you worried about how...? Yeah.
You were?

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, I was terrified.
I was like,

"I'm not ready to be a mum. I'm
going to be a terrible mum."

As soon as she came out, all of
that anxiety,

it went away
because I just loved her

and it helped me see
my hormones differently

because the same hormones
that were, like,

you know, attacking me
and stressing me out,

they helped me to bond with my baby
and just instantly love her

and instantly feel
that everything's going to be OK.

PMDD is hard,
but I no longer see it as,

"Oh, it's a version of myself
I hate."

I see it as "That's a more
truthful version of myself

"that I need to be cautious with."

You can still be a great mum,
but it's terrifying.

I'm really grateful. Like, you've
given us a lot of information.

It's a hard journey, but it's worth
it.

I love you, Rach. Thank you.
Have a cuddle, if that's all right.

Yeah, of course.

Sitting down with Rachael,
she made me believe

that I could not only survive
as a mam,

but actually thrive despite
of my PMDD.

She allowed me to entertain a world
where I could use my PMDD

to teach me children to be, like,
emotionally intelligent, patient,

kind, understanding. And, honestly,
that is not something

I've ever allowed myself
to think before.

I'm really grateful to her for that.

♪ Free yourself

♪ Keep on moving
up that mountain... /

Paw. Sit!

After meeting Rachael, it did get us
thinking about my low libido,

and how that's not exactly ideal
if we want to try for a baby.

So I've been proactive
and booked a sex therapist

to come and meet me and Erc -

and I have never been more
uncomfortable in my life.

Tell me a little bit about your
journey in regards to talking to me.

OK. Me and Erc met really
organically about...

Nearly eight years ago now. We had,
like, no house and, you know,

it was all fancy date nights in
hotels and no dogs.

Very footloose and fancy free. Yeah.
We were having a lot of sex.

A good time. Yeah. A good time.
A good time. A good time, yeah.

But, like over the years with, like,
everything,

like, our priorities seem
to have changed.

And as I said over the phone,
I suffer with PMDD,

which affects my libido as well.

And we are definitely having less
sex.

I don't feel any type
of way about it, but I know he does.

OK. And if
that means a couple adjustments,

I'm more than up for that.
Yeah, and that's all...

That's usually what it takes.
It's just sort of a little bit of

awareness about creating
those opportunities sometimes,

or just thinking a little
bit more about,

"Do you know what, I might send him
a bit of a text this morning,"

or, "I might just," you know...

A rudie..? Rudie-trudie text?

Well... Could possibly,
seeing on how you feel.

It's like, "No, how are YOU doing?"

Or actually, "You look really
gorgeous."

"How's your dick?"
I don't know why I did that.

It's just uncomfortable, I'm really
sorry.

ALISON LAUGHS
It was childish.

No, not at all.

Hey, petal, are you OK?

Good. Hi! I was talking...
I was talking about you.

I'm getting... I heard, "Sex in the
shower." No, you didn't!

That's what I heard. You didn't.

I was like, "I came in at the right
time."

You can fuck right off. She hasn't
mentioned... OK, sorry.

Bye! Good to see you.

If I could wave a magic wand
for you,

what would you love to happen

in terms of,
like, your kind of sexual dynamic?

Just up the numbers,
really. Up the numbers.

As in... You're so romantic.

More intimacy, more time together.

As soon as the dogs did arrive...
Yeah.

...in terms of sex,
obviously slowed down.

That's fair. It's really
interesting,

because that's kind of when you
became a Mummy and a Daddy, I guess.

Yeah, I suppose it's normal.
I suppose, like any other parent,

when they have a newborn
or they have kids,

it does slow down. Yeah, yeah.

I definitely don't fancy you any
less.

Nothing to do with us,
it's just...

...a lack of physical action.

Like, you know, when you used to be,
like, younger

and you'd, like, walk downstairs

in your mam and dad's house
after having sex... Urgh...

I feel like that's
what it's like with the dogs.

Where is this going? I feel judged.
I feel judged by my Labrador.

Sure they can keep each other
company

if we put a little film on
for them,

give them a little treat or a bone,

we can go upstairs and do it
for a few minutes.

And I can get your bone.

I thought that's what you were going
to say!

God help me!

We're going to do a few little bits
of homework in between now

and kind of when I next see you,
if that's OK.

Are you guys up for that?
Yeah. I was a swot at school,

so I can do homework. Ah, OK.
And I feel like you had Erc

because he thinks it's going
to be sexy homework.

If it leads to some sexual
activities, then I am in.

So what are we going to do
is simmering,

and that's actually keeping kind of
the intimacy,

the tactile kind of thing alive.

So that can start off with just
incidental cuddles in the kitchen,

it can be cuddles on the sofa,

but keeping it kind of on the agenda
so that you're creating situations

where actually intimacy can happen.

Because it's a bit like turning on
a light switch.

It's like, "Right, bang. Woo!
Be sexy now."

And it's that's...
That's really unrealistic, isn't it?

And remember,
when we're talking about sex,

we're not necessarily just saying,
like, penetrative sex.

It could be taking a
shower together -

I know that's risky,
but it could be.

So, yeah, it might start with the
chat.

It might start
as a little cuddle

in the kitchen, you know...
Cooking a bacon sandwich.

That's not a sexy food.

What would be a sexy
food for you guys?

Like, a nice warm French stick

with some cheese,
olives and a bit of onion.

Olives, sexy?

Some chutney, some... um...

LAUGHING: You're just talking about
food now.

Sometimes it's about setting
a time of day

or a day when you know that you've
got a little bit more time.

If I came home from work
and you had, like, a nice

glass of rose for us and that,

and we had, like, a bit of a, like,

half an hour just chatting about our
day,

I think I would be in the mood
for it. OK.

We'd had, like, good communication
through the day,

and then we could go upstairs, do it
and come down

and then have our dinner
and some time with the dogs.

Is that not the perfect day? That
sounds amazing. Perfect.

Do you know what?
I'm actually ready for this.

Let the simmering begin.

So am I.
I'm ready to do some homework.

Oh, you had to ruin it, didn't you?!

Scruff. Don't wink at me!
Cheeky wink.

Let the simmering begin.

You can take it to your daddy.
ERCAN: What's he got?

This has come through the door.
It's my at-home fertility test.

At-home fertility test.
Yeah.

The last time I got my fertility
checked

was a good few years ago now.

And honestly, like, fertility years
are like dog years.

It just feels like after 35,

you are... made to feel, like...

Old. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

So this is going to check what?

If you're still egging, basically.

Which means
if you're still capable.

So this checks out your
hormone levels,

it checks, like, how many eggs
you've got,

like, viable ones
in order to make a baby.

Because that's how a baby is made.
Your hormones are very high, so...

I have habitually had my eggs
referred to as geriatric,

which is obviously a bit of a punch
in the dick.

Erc, on the other hand,
has had his sperm referred to,

in a professional setting,
as super... Drum roll!

LAUGHING: Super swimmers.

I'll take it. And I swear to God,
he has never let me forget it.

Agh! It's like a little prick, man.
You fucker! Wooh!

Now that we have sort of...

A few years have passed,

I feel like we need just a little
bit of a check-in

to work out exactly
where we're at now,

where we stand
and what our options are.

Like, milk it like a cow.

I don't want you to milk it.

What is wrong with you?!

You reckon we could scoop it up?

No, we can't scoop it up.
You've fucked it.

When I was about 35,

Erc and my relationship was still
in its infancy, in my opinion,

and it was probably a bit
too soon

to be having conversations about
where we thought it was going

and if we were going to be parents
and things like that.

But I was aware of all of
the scaremongering

around women's fertility

and how hard healthy pregnancies are
as you get older.

So we made the decision to freeze
some eggs and create embryos.

But now we're having these serious
conversations

and deciding
if we're going to start a family,

and I just have this burning desire
to go and visit my little embryos.

I just want
to make sure they're OK.

So, Vicky, here are your embryos,
OK?

You had three embryos frozen
at blastocyst stage.

They were all absolutely
beautiful quality, OK?

Would you like to see it?
OK. OK.

This is just
after injecting the sperm into it,

so you can see
that this is your egg.

We put the sperm in and then...

No?! ..if you see here is the
first step

where you can
see two little pronuclei coming out.

Those things? Yes, these are really
the energy of the cell

so that it can start dividing.

That's me and Ercan literally
becoming one?

And look - and then we start having
the embryo, creating...

Splitting into cells.
Two cells, four cells.

It will go all the way
to eight cells.

And then the most beautiful moment
of creating the blastocyst.

I think I'm biased,
but I reckon he's cute already.

I underestimated the egg
freezing process.

I was unprepared for the judgment
that came with it.

So many people just had
so many opinions,

and I actually found it
really overwhelming.

So afterwards I compartmentalised
very hard.

I just sort of put a pin in it.

But going to visit my embryos now
has me feeling really emotional.

They're like the first tiny
iteration of me and Erc, you know?

What chance, in a statistic
sort of form,

have I got of that being a
successful pregnancy?

Can you tell me that?

So an AA embryo, Vicky, based on
your age and your medical history,

but also, most importantly,

on the values that we have here,
on the analysis on the AA,

will be approximately 50%
clinical pregnancy rate,

which is quite high.
That's good. Yeah.

I feel so privileged

that I was able to freeze my eggs
and create embryos with Ercan.

I absolutely know it's not something
that everyone can afford to do -

it's not cheap, you know.

And it has provided me and Ercan
with a little bit of a security net,

and I am really grateful for that.

I just wish it was available
for everybody.

Although there is no guarantee,

you are in a good starting position,
for sure.

Would you like to actually see

where your frozen embryos
or eggs are?

I can meet them? Yes.
Shall we go and have a look?

Yes, I would! Let's do that.

Welcome to our storage room.

Please take that.

LAUGHING: So much sperm!

Here we have your
embryos and eggs, OK?

They're in four little devices.

So embryos AND eggs? Yes, yes.

They're keeping company
to each other.

You see, it says VP? Is that them?!

It's so small!

I'll show you everything.

It's so tiny!
Can I just take a picture?

Yes. Baby's first photograph!

DOCTOR LAUGHS

Oh, look at them!

I wasn't expecting to feel this
emotional

or this attached to my embryos,

which is absolutely
fucking ridiculous,

because I am THE most
emotional person in the world.

Can I have one more?
And I don't want to leave them here.

I want to take them home
and put them

in my freezer next
to my fish fingers.

I think maybe...

...I'm more prepared
for this than I thought.

So you know how I went
to see my embryos?

Yes. Our embryos,
actually. Our embryos, jeez.

I thought with it being
such a clinical setting

that I wouldn't feel
any type of way.

But actually,
I did feel really emotional.

I see the emotional side to
that because it is quite special.

So Alison said
we need to start simmering.

Don't pull that face. Don't...
Ssss-sexual.

Remember, simmering is about how you
treat us throughout the day,

warming us up, because I'm not like
a light switch.

You can't just... I understand.

Do you know what I mean? I know.
I need to be romanced.

OK. Wooed.

It's like a slow burner,
you know? What if you're not home?

Do it via message, like Alison
said.

Sexting? No, not sexting. And I do
NOT want to see

a picture of your dick in my fucking
photograph...

I'm not sending no dick pictures.
Good. Why are you smiling?

I could do. Cheeky one in the
toilet. No...

Just, like, throughout the day,
nice messages, like...

I already do! I know, but, like,
give it a little sexual note,

a little romantic undertone. OK.

And then I'll make sure we've got
a bottle of wine,

a French stick... Why a French
stick?

...with some olives, cheese...

...and then the simmering can begin.

Yeah?

I think we should try
it, actually, tonight.

Hello, baby! Are you ready?
Yes, you are!

Are you ready for your PAW-ty?
Are you ready?

PUP-uccino bar! Oh, my God!

I've spent the last
couple of weeks

having some quite intense
conversations,

trying to work out what mine
and Ercan's next steps look like -

if we are going to have children.

If we do, how are we going to have
children?

So I'm really looking forward
to just parking that

and celebrating my babies.

Today, the light of my life,
my reason for living,

Max, turns three,

so of course I'm going to throw him

the biggest fucking party anybody
has ever seen.

Is this your first dog party?
It is, actually, yeah.

First of many. There you go.
That's for you.

Thank you so much.
Erc, do you know what I've got?

What's that? Cosmo-PAW-litan.
Oh, my God!

That's a full one.

You can get a BARK and stormy.

Did I do well? Are you happy?

So happy. So happy. I know. And I
know it's, like, your birthday too,

so I did... Joint. Joint.
"My" birthday. Yeah.

Somewhere in my obsession and haste

to throw my son
the best birthday party ever,

I might have forgotten
it's my husband's birthday as well.

Dogs come first, then Vicky...

...then me.

It's a bit of a punch
in the dick, isn't it?

Not only do the dogs stop us doing
the old mattress mambo,

but now Max has hijacked his dad's
birthday as well.

I can see why Erc gets
a bit pissed off, you know -

but don't fucking dare tell him.

We just wanted to say a big
thank you to everybody

for coming today
to celebrate little Max's birthday.

I know I'm over the top, but to me,
he is our son.

Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.

Make sure you've got
loads of drinks,

loads to eat
and let's have a really good day.

Let's get this party started,
shall we?

CHEERING

SQUEALING

Everybody's crying, Ercan!

Well, that was good!

Everybody is fuming. This is why we
shouldn't have kids.

Cheers. Oh, that's lovely. Nice.

How are things with you and Vicky?
Yeah, good.

We had a sex therapist come...
Oh, OK.

The other day.
How did that go?

So she's given us a
bit of homework.

They want us to start simmering.
OK.

In other words, make it more...
More romantic.

Romantic, yeah.
Let me send her a text. Good idea.

Let me start the simmering off.
OK.

What can I say? "Let's get it on!"
No, no, that's too much.

I'll say, "Babe,
you look incredible tonight.

"You've done an amazing thing
for Max." OK.

"And I can't wait to spend some time
with you tonight."

Spice things up a little bit.
Some simmering.

DOG BARKS

I feel like me and Erc definitely
think we've got

a taste of what it's like being
parents because we've got the dogs.

And we do. We feel the anxiety
when we're not with them.

We feel the, like...
MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I've never...

Erc's just text. He's just wrote,

"You look incredible today.
The day has been amazing.

"Can't wait to spend some time
with you tonight."

That made us get butterflies.

I'm not being funny, but I actually
might shag him after that.

No, I might!

Yous are sleeping
in the spare room tonight, lads.

Could we have an ice cream, please?

Got your text. You got my text?

Oh, OK.

He's gorgeous, Karisma. Yeah, he is.

You must be dead proud.
Yeah.

How do you feel like your
relationship has changed

since the baby? I'd actually say our
relationship

is so much stronger now.
Do you think? Yeah.

I bet you... Do you feel like more
like a unit?

Yeah, more of a unit.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.

The little smile!

Do you know when I see a baby,
a really cute one,

and I go, "Oh, my God,
my ovaries are screaming!"

What is the male version of that?

Do your sperm sing? Yes.

Do you get tingles?
Yeah, I get tingles.

I don't know how
to explain it, though.

Testicle tingles!

Oh, my goodness!
Do you want a hat, too?

Oh, yes! She's a natural.

She absolutely is, isn't she?

It's not food, I promise.
Oh, he thinks it's food.

I just want to say it was lovely
to see you with the babies today.

You are an absolute natural.
Do you think?

100%. Yeah.

That's a really nice thing to say.
I hope I am.

I think you're better than you give
yourself credit for as well,

to be fair. Growing up with so many
nieces and nephews and stuff. Yes.

Yeah, it's been good and bad.

Honestly, you know
what everyone says, Erc?

It's so different
when it's your own.

I know. When I think about kids...

...and I know sometimes I feel,
like,

really scared and apprehensive and
worried that...

Which is normal.

...I haven't got what it takes to be,
like, the best mam or whatever,

I also do feel like it would be such
a shame

because we've got such lovely
families... I know.

...and they'd have so many nice,
like,

little cousins and pals
and...

I don't know, I think
that part really... The next gen.

Yeah! I know. It's going to
be... special.

There's a huge part of me
that wants a family with you.

But, like, I'd be lying
if I said my biggest concern

wasn't still work. How I'm going to
navigate...

...being a mam and...

...still being, like, a good wife to
you

and having all the other
things I want

in my life as well
with my schedule as it is.

Listen, that's normal.
I think, like...

Look at my brother, he's full-time,
they've got a business, so...

We're a team and we're just going
to make it work.

Loads of women do it, don't they?
Yeah.

I love you. I love you, too.

Last year I took part
in Strictly Come Dancing

and it was the most incredible
experience of my life.

But it was hard work,
don't get us wrong.

And in true Vicky P fashion,

I've also decided now to take part
in the arena tour,

which means more hard work
and also five weeks away from home.

I'm really out my comfort zone,

and I think the anxiety I feel about
the show

and also just, like, dancing in
general,

so I think all of that, coupled with
the actual physical exertion of it,

I feel like a popped party popper.

And the thought of, like, walking
through those doors

after doing the cha-cha, foxtrot,
whatever it is, all day,

and then jumping into bed
with enthusiasm

and doing a bit of mattress mambo
with Erc,

like, I just couldn't... I couldn't
imagine anything less appealing.

I've got nothing else to give, man.

Also, I don't know how I'm meant
to go home and parent a baby either.

You have this idea
in your head of, like,

what mother you're going to be,

and with my schedule
the way it is at the minute...

...I just don't know how I'll have
the capacity to be that mother.

That really scares us.

That I'll be a bad mam.

I am the breadwinner in our family.

It is unfair.

You have to choose between having
the family

or having all the career or...
I don't know,

it just feels like women always get
the rough end of the deal.

And I don't... I'm at this
crossroads

and I don't necessarily know
what to do.

I don't know whether to say
"Fuck it," and be selfish.

And I know I'll be upset
if I don't have family as well.

Sorry.

Next time...

Argh! I miss!

...the baby saga continues...

It's time to stop thinking
and start fucking.

...we get our fertility results back.

OK, there's one out of range high.

...and Ercan pulls out all the stops

to try and bring a little
romance to our relationship...

This is all simmering, isn't it?

...before we finally make
a decision once and for all.

I feel like I've pretty much
made my decision.

Have you made your decision? I have
as well. I have as well, yeah.

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