Original subtitles

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

amateurs

[Music]

w

[Music]

[Music]

oh

[Music]

[Music]

la

[Music]

[Music]

hi friends slick Lambert here for death

City the onstop funeral Emporium for all

your postm needs yes death City ladies

and gentlemen where you won't take our

prices lying down help me out of here

will you Reena sure thanks L yes folks

we're burying the competition on all our

brand new 1989 cof why just take a

gander at this baby over here beautiful

silver gray paint job full Factory air

tea Toops loaded with extras and will

you take a look at this incredible tuck

and roll interior bet you'd love to

spend eternity in there huh Rita I can't

wait to get inside I'll bet you can't

now you might expect to spend as much as

$1,000 on a coffin like this but this

week only this classic casket can be

yours for that's right only $999.99

and while you're here don't forget to

ask about our special layaway program

little in-house humor there folks I

think it's funny you think train wrecks

are funny yes friends it's a tremendous

inventory clearance on both new and used

coffins from sporty compacts to fullsize

luxury models like this one yes and with

your good credit we won't put you in the

hole until you're absolutely ready now

you're probably wondering how do I get

to death City how do I get to Des City

I'm glad you asked that question

sweetheart all you do is take a freeway

any freeway do you see that big neon cof

in the SK guy yes friends that's aades

City Mortuary crematorium and Cemetery

allinone convenient location and Friends

remember you can't take it with you so

you might as well spend it here at death

City where we put the fun back in

funerals and I'll stand at my head to

bury your dead and now let's get back to

our movies The Vampire DJs From Hell

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

excuse me is this the service for epim

Ward indeed sir are you related to the

dec East well as far as I know I'm his

only living relative my name is Dexter

Ward oh of course Mr Ward I spoke to you

on the phone when you made the

arrangement right we've opened the

casket so that the bed might pay their

last respects thank you

[Music]

[Music]

good bye uncle

[Music]

eim book the book of all THS you must

find it it alone has the power to summon

forth the evil

one what am I doing here you're dead

uncle EF like hell I am get me out of

this goddamn

thing what stupid son of a [ __ ]

pronounce me dead I believe believe it

was Dr Mau that quack in this cheap Jack

Place didn't even bother to invol me

help me help me help me dear me this was

rather

unexpected you can all go home I'm not

dead Texon my boy give me your arm get

out of here you you miserable toades

only bastards never saw one of them

before in my

life we looking much better since the

funeral Uncle after you know I think

death agrees with you Dexter you're the

only person who seems genuinely happy

I'm still alive well remember what they

said about that condition of yours you

sure it's such a good idea returning to

work this soon oh my boy this library is

my life for 40 years I've been

responsible for the world's largest

collection of books on witchcraft and

the Black Arts That's What I Call job

security Dexter have you ever heard of

the book of olar nope olar was a

sorcerer at a time before history when

all the world was in darkness and Chaos

prevailed oh yeah I remember the reaged

administrating no no it was the reign of

the evil one an elder god that once

walked the Earth alar cast a spell which

banished this unearthly creature to the

Eternal void Beyond time and space yeah

I spent a weekend there

once you may scoff but many authorities

believe that the evil one has been

waiting these countless eons for the

counter spell that would free it from

its astral Exile yeah I know and once

again we'll all be down the crapper

correct arar placed all his Mystic

incantations in one volume which has

been carefully guarded throughout the

ages

then 20 years ago I made a tragic error

I lent the book out isn't that what

libraries are supposed to do not with

such a Priceless volume the cprit's name

was marinus orlock his academic

credentials were impeccable and a few

days later he simply vanished with my

book for two decades I vainly attempted

to find some trace of him then finally

just recently I Unearthed a clue a

daughter living in Los Angeles anges I

was about to contact her when I had my

attack I had a feeling this was all

leading someplace you've been like a son

to me Dexter I know it's a it's a great

favor to ask don't don't don't you know

I owe you more than I could ever repay

you give me that address I'll find that

book oro's daughter is named Marissa

Marissa you can contact her here all

right everybody picture

[Music]

not

I

or not the kind who gets

[Music]

depressed me

your love is the

attraction it's your

[Music]

sisf control I want some fun before I

get

old I don't mind cusing accidents I'm on

a just give me action your love keeps me

in

TR it's pure

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

s let start a reolution calling John

Wayne

your is ding me

insane

storm War 3 KN off

[Music]

the me ac your love is the

attraction it's pure satisfac

[Music]

come on and give me a little action will

you that was beautiful

Marissa was everything all right babe

they only make one word to describe your

performance simply Sensational that's

two words right right now I predict that

song's going to win a granny that's

granny no Gary he meant

granny here you go Chief okay everybody

it's a

rat pardon me pardon me you're merer

orlock right how did you know my last

name not even my press agent knows that

I'm Dexter Ward I've been tracking you

down all over La hey look I love my fans

but don't let it get out of control okay

no you don't understand see I want to

talk to you about your father marinus

what about my father well you see my

uncle Ephraim he's got wait we can talk

in here it's

private

hey this this is the set for the that's

right it's where they used to film all

those old

s now what information do you have about

my father oh uh well not much I'm afraid

apparently sometime in the late 60s your

father borrowed a one-of aind volume

from the Arkham Public Library the uh

the book of alar now supposedly when

translated this book could open up a

doorway to another

dimension what was that it's one of

those old laugh track

machines they used to use it on all

these shows who's operating it no one I

think they just forgot to turn it off

but don't worry it's programmed to laugh

at

anything see what I

mean where was I oh yeah anyway my uncle

eim is the head librarian at Arkham and

he's a little eager to have this

particular book returned so I was kind

of hoping you could uh give me a current

address address on your father oh I was

hoping you could give me one see my

father left when I was quite young he

arranged a Swiss bank account for our

support but neither my mother or I have

heard from him in like nearly 20 years I

not give anything to see him

again hey that's not

funny look I'm I'm sorry we had to meet

under these circumstances I uh I won't

bother you

anymore holy Captain Video you must be

character from the Future Let's see this

is where the plot

thickens telegram telegram for Marissa

orlock oh I'm Mar yeah well this must be

for

[Music]

you will you come on what a

grou oh it's from Victor V housing I

don't know anybody by that

name come immediately to cast

orlock

Transylvania

[Music]

no my father just

died I how painful this must be for you

I'm going to call the travel

agency Reserve tickets for

two for Transylvania

[Applause]

ladies and gentlemen we are now

beginning our descent into Transylvania

please fasten your seat belts and

extinguish all

tches thank of for flying Transylvania

Airlines white zone is for immediate

loading and unloading of cck there is no

dying in the red zone and at the

signpost up ahead Twilight

Z oh it's beautiful

here now what do we do according to the

telegram we go straight to hansburg with

a small village just west of here got

any neat ideas on how to get there nope

okay

Maxi oh I'm not sure we're trying to get

your hbur

look lady you either want a taxi or you

don't want a taxi no skin off my ass

either way you make it you got it baby

Maxi Fields Big Apple C company oh what

are you doing here and I help it if they

give me a bad area so hey I'm not taking

a bath here for my help you want to ride

or not you got it uh can you take us to

H sir I don't usually like to go into

that area after dark but uh Hey affair's

affair right you know what I mean h in

those red they don't look too

well hey there's zombies forgot about

them you get used to them what the

walking's dead hey New York got your

junkies here you got your zombies what's

the difference they all look like Keat

Richards anyway they they don't look

particularly

[Applause]

efficient yeah they're dead they're all

messed up

[Music]

nice scenery around here hey folks you

got your mouded Moes your Bleak Forest

desolate graveyards great place for

picnics you know you didn't have to come

if I found the book of author I could

have just sent it to you you know you

don't mind me being here do you no it's

nice to have company especially in a

place this ah who knows maybe they'll

they'll put up a Disneyland here someday

yeah I can see it all now vampires of

the Caribbean right over there

someplace hey did you say that you were

a librarian no no no my uncle's a

librarian I'm just helping him out

during summer vacation I'm studying

Premed at Arkham University I was going

to be a lawyer but I couldn't stand the

sight of blood I never finished high

school oh really uh despite graduating

from high school Marissa's recording

career prevented her from pursuing a

higher education been doing a little

research well at least that much is

true wait a minute describes your

perfect mate oh here we go tall handsome

great sense of humor sound like anybody

here now one out of three ain't

bad sorry about the

bumps we got better roads in the Bronx I

still don't understand what a New York

cabby is doing in a place like this

talking to me nobody else here must be

talking to me I wanted to get out of the

city big mistake you can't even find a

decent piece of pizza in this whole damn

country on fight

[Music]

thanks no we don't seem to be getting

the media coverage off what we would you

missed the point Mr mole we be stopping

any unauthorized grave robber from

sneaking in and nipping the Old

Gentleman inside all and swing them to

those medical chaps for a measly 10 bomb

10 Bobb doesn't sound so bad here and

now we could buy another bottle help us

keep warm oh that we could Mr Sweeny

that we but you suggested we cross our

own picket line why that I be Mr Mo did

you bring your tools with you would a

good union man be without his tools to

[Music]

triade always a pleasure to see a

professional at work Mr

Sweeney well thank you Mr

Mo got these bloody alarms on everything

a

days off to you Mr Mo after you Mr

sweey you thinking that we'd be safe him

from being snatched by someone what

ain't in our

Union I'm sure he'd be appreciating that

fact Mr

[Applause]

Mo no no please

[Music]

oh my God

thank

God thank God Governor thank God I got

him before dinner

[Applause]

boy this place looks worse than an

Italian valy

pardon me pardon me feel a lovely place

you got here but um how can you afford

all this

garet excuse

me excuse

me um can somebody tell us how to get to

Castle

orlock I don't think they've heard of it

perhaps I can help you I am the chief

conable oh hello there my name is Dexter

Ward H

hot no no that's my name oh I see hop

hands hop all right now hands down yes

what is it I'm not talking to your hands

I'm talking to him that's hands down our

local Undertaker cast with all these

names you must have your hands full yes

knew

it perhaps you can help us Constable Hub

perhaps what would be your business at

Castle orock well you see my name is

Marissa orock and my late father lived

there somehow I don't think Dad was a

president of the local kuas Club stop

you don't mean to say you're marinus

olar's daughter yes yes you don't mean

to say it

no I do mean to say it let me rephrase

this are you not marinus oro's daughter

yes yes you're not no yes I

am put way let's make this simple this

is Marissa orlock I'm Dexter Ward we're

looking for Castle orlock and we're all

here to play Super

password young lady I seriously suggest

that you stay away from the castle it

has been boarded up since your father's

death there's no one up there now at

least No

One

Alive who's playing that AR well that's

nonsense I received a telegram stating

that my uncle Byron had already arrived

there he's back Byron orlock is back now

no one will be safe not our wives our

children our Mistresses and he are

coming in on the no

train hey wait a minute I'm in the wrong

move

you're not telling me that byon olok is

back oh no wait a minute don't start

that again what what's wrong with

everybody wrong nothing is wrong young

man you must make allowances these are

but superstitious peasants afraid of the

own

Shadows you see what I

mean there is much to fear in the

shadows and even more

fear from

vampire

[Music]

vampires there were Legends many years

ago but fairy tales to frighten children

tell me Constable where do Legends end

and facts begin what is the shadowy

boundary between science and

Superstition and how can you tell the

groom at a Polish wedding I'm afraid you

have me at a loss

sir I thought as much you are Marissa or

yes I'm Dr Victor van Hing it was I who

sent you that telegram my card for a

good time call Victor

vaning vampire Hunter I don't understand

I've been awaiting your arrival you may

share my coach oh wait wait wait

wait they my time I once had a boy just

like you here take this youal protect

you from evil thanks wait a minute buddy

that'll be a buck

75 oh

[Music]

man you know my

father marinus and I were colleagues

many years ago then something happened

and I never saw him again a few days ago

I learned that he had died and I had

been named executive of the state and

that's when you contacted me correct you

and your uncle are the only two known

living airs I believe Lord Byron and his

family are already at the Castle

come tter what took you so long the old

lady in the gift shop if you must know

here this might come in handy does this

mean we're going

steady driver

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

I don't care what anyone says this hurts

[Music]

[Applause]

are you really a vampire hunter is that

card some kind of joke young lady I

never joke about

vampires on way we talking about furry

flying bats we are speaking of the

Undead Undead what do you mean not alive

they are neither dead nor alive sounds

like my agent I am referring to the evil

spirits who inhabit the bodies of the

deceased they rise from their coffins to

feed upon the blood of the living that's

my agent all right I've made the

eradication of these creatures my life's

work so there's a lot of money in this

Stu I was always encouraged to uphold

the family tradition even as a

child what's happening oh no even the

projectionist is falling asleep or van

hing's having a

flashback Merry Christmas young Victor

[Music]

thanks Dad this is just what I wanted of

course vampire hunting has its moments

of tension even for a small boy Victor

Victor van Hing yes Mrs

cwell are you responsible for

that yes Mrs cwell bring it here

now I want you to ride on the Blackboard

I will not stake vampires in class and I

want you to do it 50 times another

flashback don't worry I think it's the

last one oh good gosh bettyou I really

like you and I really like you Victor

you're not like the other girls I was

wondering when you'd get around to

noticing that somehow you you're more

mature than the others well I am 19 19

but that's not old

1900 that's

old perhaps we ought to start back home

it is getting rather late later than you

think Victor please no hickeys don't

worry Victor I'll still respect you in

the morning I think we both need a drink

first perhaps you're right may help to

warm our blood ladies

[Music]

first holy water don't leave home

without

[Music]

it from that time onward I've dedicated

my life to scourging the Earth of this

evil ah they really do exist I assure

you they exist in fact there's been a

recent epidemic of vampirism in this

vicinity I destroyed one such creature

before you arrived this

evening maybe you could mail me that

book you two have nothing to fear while

under my protection I may be kindly Dr

vanhelsing to you but to the undead I am

the Son of

Sam fron me you don't really expect me

to swellow that do you I swallow I it

hey come on Miss moriss we're riding

here in a beautiful colorful Countryside

being pulled by a horse drawn carriage

moon light what could be more romantic

high noon on the Mojave Desert listen

hills are alive with the sound of

music going to sing folks time to hit

that snack bar next you're not going to

sing uhhuh but why throw a lighthearted

song in in a time like this listen let

me tell you all about it take one little

Mel write some cuty lyrics and just past

them together now

wow

[Music]

Ro you can bet

I'll and

CDs hey there I right some DJs and this

little song of mine will climb up the CH

now oh

think of the

[Music]

royalties or

[Music]

[Music]

not so hey there I got

[Music]

wow do you get very many girls that way

no but it uh kills 3 minutes Castle

orlock just ahead

[Music]

all right girls it's party time

[Music]

[Music]

cast orlock everybody

out hey

oh

man well you're getting no tip from

me what's he feeding those horses what

frightened himself so it's as if a blind

had settled over this land notice the

singular lack of vegetation the scarcity

of animal life the absence of major leag

sporting events it's not much of a

castle really sure it's the best they

could afford on the budget

maybe it's Bingo night perhaps they

can't hear us don't be ridiculous we're

making enough noise to

raise the

dead you must leave this place at once

look I assure you we are not Jehovah's

Witnesses Lord Byron left strict

instructions that he was to receive no

visitors nonsense I'm Dr Victor van Hing

and I'm expected and I'm Marissa orlock

and I'm also expected and you I'm I'm

Dexter Ward I'm uh I'm along for the

comedy relief that's a matter of opinion

and what is your name my good man Stefan

sir well Stefan sir I insist you show us

inside that's what it looks like I meant

escort us in very well let it be on your

heads what be on our head enter

[Music]

goodness did you look at this place I

suppose her interior decorator is among

the living Ian anoun you to Lord

byon I never met my uncle as a as a

matter of fact I I didn't even know I

had one until I received your telegram I

know never met him either but I

understand he was the black sheep of the

family he was supposedly expelled from

kindergarten for extreme brutality yeah

I think I went to school with him

according to marinus he banished Byron

from the castle some time ago apparently

they had a violent disagreement over one

particular book A book you don't happen

to recall the title do you my memory is

not quite what it used to be but it was

either the book of olar or the latest

Jackie Collins Noble does anybody know

what happened to it I would imagine both

volumes are somewhere still here in the

castle did you hear that

Marissa

[Music]

Marissa where is it's you that's not me

I'm standing here that's a painting of

me must be an ancestor of mine wonder

who she is I don't know but I doubt she

had trouble finding a date on a Saturday

night

[Music]

Dexter don't you know better than to put

your hand on someone's shoulder in a

spooky place like this I'm sorry I just

wanted to show you something but there

are any number of ways of attracting

one's attention damn I hate cheap sharks

like that come on you got to check this

out Mera just discovered something that

I

[Music]

God I dream of combinations like that

Marissa come forward dear cousin we want

to give you a

kiss Yes dear cousin come

closer I want to give you a big wet

gooey one

Oro look

out oh my Lord I could have been killed

a Chandelier's probably been hanging

there over a 100 years but the moment

one of us steps underneath it falls

harly remember staring at the portrait

and

then don't look at me they're your

relatives I see the chandelier has

fallen again

it always does that when we have

[Music]

guests Lord orock I am Myan

orock and you are welcome in my home yes

we've uh we' met your welcoming

committee legally the point of ownership

has yet to be established I am Dr Victor

van heling executive of your brother's

estate then you have Marin's last will

test along with specific instructions

concerning his funeral arrangements and

honor sir and you are Marissa yes the

family resemblance is truly

astonishing my condolences to you at

this time my dear thank

you but I don't seem to recognize this

young man this is Dexter Ward Uncle

Byron he's a friend of anyone in

particular or just generally well

like Lord orock we were just remarking

on the amazing similarity between

Marissa and the lady in that portrait ah

yes the first Marissa orlock you are her

namesake my dear I was hoping to find

out more about my father Uncle Pon

there's not very much to tell there was

always a great deal of animosity between

us even as a child marinus disapproved

of my torturing small

animals come now you had long and tiring

Journey no

doubt permit me to show you to your

rooms did you and my father ever

straighten out your

differences even toward the end we

didn't get along particularly

well his last letter to me

began dear

shited sorry to hear that we born into a

most remarkable family my

dear these are but a few of our

illustrious ancestors

this is rodri

orlock Thief drug addict professional

assassin and part-time used

carel and this is lenol

orak

blackmailer

harot murderous and two-time president

of the local

PTA she died

in the mad house is that

hereditary and surely this must be the

best of the

L HTS orlak sodomist incest pedi and

member of the Nixon

Administration I wax

nostal ston

[Music]

yes my Lord where did he come from

Stefon automatically materializes

whenever he's

needed I've never figured out quite how

trade secret me Lord

Stefan gather their luggage and take it

to their

room yes

M he dematerializes the same

way totally

perplexing come with me

you have a few hours to freshen up

before the service services for your

father marus orock funeral will be held

downstairs precisely at

midnight and it is a commonly held

misconception that the undead can

transform themselves into bats pure

nonsense true they can change into frogs

flounders arvar Pelicans baboons and

warthogs but never bats

I

see say you help me I must leave this

place you're my only hope young woman

what seems to be the matter it's Lord

orlock he keeps me locked in this Castle

he's taken everything away my freedom my

vibrator my traveler's checks and I'll

bet they weren't American Express oh you

must help me you're my only hope you

must there there

[Music]

if I've told you once I've told you a

thousand

times no between meal

snacks I go to your room you're

grounded my apologies doctor my my

daughter sometimes becomes overly

agitated you see we do not get too many

visitors to the

castle difficult to imagine why Lord

orlock you have something on your

mouth ah too much ketchup on my French

fries

[Music]

[Music]

Marissa how did I

know where Isa

what is the meaning of this intrusion

I'm sorry I'm I'm looking for Marissa

orlock does that give you the right to

burst into my room unannounced no no and

I apologize

for hey wait a

minute you're you're Boris carof aren't

you yes sure I just I just saw you in

that movie with uh with Jack Nicholson

the um the terror forgive me for

Reviving painful

memories I don't believe

nobody's seen or heard of you since

1969 for 20 years I've lived here alone

you're kidding

me that drive me crazy you think I'm mad

don't you no no hey I i' I've only been

here an hour in the spook house and and

I'm already starting to go Looney

Tunes perhaps we are both

man may may maybe

I I got to go

Bo try and get out

more so that's how they made all those

movies for

[Music]

hello they're

[Music]

here where no one ever said I was

handsome man what are you doing here

merely standing here ominously man does

that displease you I didn't hear you

come in don't you believe in announcing

yourself very well here

Sten what do you want then oh yes Lord

Byron sent me with some good news and

some bad news oh what's the bad news

Master marinus is still dead but what's

the good news

there is no good news

[Music]

[Music]

man ah

come

Melissa I would like you to meet my

family these are my adopted daughters

Patty

Maxine and

Le we've

met and now for a final tribute to

marinus Stefan will play his favorite

musical

recording get it

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

w

[Music]

[Applause]

it's an old family

custom now if the doctor and your young

friend would assist Stefan and I we'll

take the coffin below

below yes all the orlocks are interred

in the family crypt neath the castle

where

else I don't like

this what's this a rubber band we keep

them down here for

atmosphere pull it up eag

hey hey what's that noise rubber rats no

doubt no it's it's coming from aide the

carpet muscular contractions not

uncommon after death muscular

contractions this guy's doing the chain

fond workout in here allow me to assure

you marinus

orlock is dead you've assured me and I

want to try convincing him as I was

saying marus has taken his place with

the rest of our family

and now I await my turn who share their

endless

nights of Eternal Darkness see it's a

little like looking forward to Christmas

isn't

it now in accordance with your father's

last wish we shall view the will view

apparently marinus videotaped his last

will in Testament I suppose you might

call it the Late Show

[Music]

you know call me frivolous but you ever

wonder what a nice proviant tile would

look like in

here maybe

not Hello I marinus or lock being of

sound mind and in full possession of my

mental faculties here with declare my

last will and testament but let this not

be a somber occasion come on kitties

let's have some

[Music]

fun two will compete for a fortune in

cash and prizes on the newly Dead game

and now here's your host for the newly

Dead game the late but irrepressible Mar

hey Marin come on

[Applause]

down thank you thank you thank you thank

you thank you thank you thank you

friends and a but first let us meet our

two contestants that's right marinus

she's a singer musician and composer

living in Los Angeles California let's

hear it for Marissa

arock contest tant number two currently

resides in

Transylvania his hobbies include stamp

collecting leathercraft and necrofilia

ladies and gentlemen Byron

[Music]

orlock now I know that Marissa and Byron

are both in our viewing audience tonight

so let's take a look at their wonderful

prizes it's a castle yes it's castle

orlock one of the most dreaded places on

Earth this stately matter comes complete

with antique furnishings and an ancient

family curse but wait that's not all

you'll also receive this Swiss bank

account total retail value up this

wonderful priz $7.5

million and now it's time for you right

here in our studio audience to pick the

winner with your applause ladies and

gentlemen who will receive this fabulous

estate is it to be contestant number one

Maris

all V contestant number

two and the winner is Marissa

ol but no one walks to a loser Johnny

tell Byron about his consolation prize

it's a matching set of Transylvanian

tourist luggage yes Byron you'll

probably have to leave the castle now so

here are the bags send you on your way

and everyone will receive a copy of our

home game for playing with family and

friends that's the newly Dead game from

Parker Bradley Inc and now on to our

bonus

round hidden somewhere in the castle

some lucky viewer may find the book of

Ulta is that a book now let's take a

look at our bonus prize clue

if anyone in our viewing audience can

solve the mystery clue the book of Ula

could be

yours and that's all our time tonight on

the newly dead

[Music]

day for now this is your

[Applause]

host good night and goodbye k

oh Uncle Baron I can tell you're

upset congratulations my

dear I know you'll be quite happy at

Castle

orlock as long as you

live I will have that

[Music]

you didn't take that very well did he oh

hell I don't even want this place Uncle

Byron can have it I think he was a

little more concerned about the book of

author then I'd say it's imperative you

get your hands on that book before he

does all right I only have three little

problems pal one I don't know where it

is two I don't know where to look and

three I have no idea what that clue

meant then perhaps we should ask someone

who does marinus orlock

[Music]

himself spirit world is troubled tonight

this Seance could be dangerous do you

think we'll be able to reach my father

perhaps can't you feel it death is

nearby do we have to do this now I think

the night rates are lower everyone join

hands with each

other now everyone

concentrate oh spirit world we reach out

for you do you wish to receive us if so

give us some sort of

sign I think that's a

no maybe but we must press on oh spirit

world we seek audience with marinus

orlock send us a guide that we may find

him what's he doing he's

channeling wait a minute wrong

Channel this is ridiculous this is

absolutely

a doctor who we reached well a Hugh

ma'am are you our guide to the spirit

world uh-huh that's right sir just a

couple of things I want to get out right

up front speak Spirit well first of all

just found out all my money is still

good up here so have RCA send all my

back royalties to me and second tell

them gum suckers that they inquire that

I really am dead there go through

circulation wait a minute wait a minute

I I feel with the spirit it's a little

stronger than the rest I'm feeding away

I'm feeding away I can feel myself

I don't forget to keep buying my Al and

now the

[Music]

end ladies and gentlemen Elvis has left

the body

[Music]

Marissa Marissa are you okay keep

away merca what's wrong your mother's so

sucks and H My Mother Does what she's

obviously

possessed you're right doc I haven't

seen anything like this since they

canceled Star Search

well that does it for this

jacket cream the

mint that are you all right never felt

[Music]

better Marissa Marissa are you okay I am

the lady Marissa her ancestor what do

you want with Marissa Byron orlock must

not gain possession of that book I alone

have the power to challenge him this

body Shall Serve as my dwelling uh I

think it's already occupied

B you know not what Horrors you face the

evil one Waits beyond beyond where the

evil one

Waits quickly we must perform mergency

exorcism fortunately I took that to my

first aid class oh and I wasted time on

mouth to mouth resusitation hold it

tightly lad evil spirit I cast you out

be gone depart withdraw take off get

lost get the L out hit the road Jack

I'm Marissa what happened oh not much we

just met another family member that's

all I don't understand come Dex she

needs rest we could all use a little

sleep sleep in this place it's all the

same to you Jack I I think I'll stay

here and uh watch watch the rest of

Carson ah it's getting a little weird

little

strange what's going on up at that

cursed Castle tell me that no one knows

no one wants to know I want to know

gentlemen gentlemen byon orar is in that

castle and he's brought death and

destruction with him now all I can stand

but death and destruction have got to

go God knows what Unholy rights he's

performing there meanwhile we sit here

like

sheep all this evil must

end what do we do about it let him go on

with his black magic or send him back to

the hell he came

from put that to a vote oh why bother

they're all in this together those

Americans and that bad hene fellow I see

we go up

destroy by an orock burn down the castle

and kill everyone

inside wait a minute I'd rather go up

there destroy Byron orlock but leave the

castle intact no no no let's burn the

castle kill everyone inside but let

Byron orar be all right all right all

right who's for destroying Byron

orar right your group one go in the back

there now who would like to burn down

the

cin you two over here and finally who

would just like to kill everyone

inside yes yes you for stay right there

what about you H I'm still considering

all my options come with us hand think

of the fun we have Burning Down The

Castle no come with us we're going to

have more fun killing everyone inside I

just don't

know never mind you make up your mind

when you get there all right take

tortures weapons anything you can carry

come on guys let's get a real lynchb

mentality going here are you with mey

[Applause]

[Music]

wait

up they're all in their rooms or in

their coffins listen Marissa I have to

find that book even I mean searching

this entire Castle from top to bottom so

you stay here oh no you're not leaving

me behind I'm here with three homicidal

cousins one lumbering Butler and an

uncle who turns off the television with

a bazooka launcher yeah we you meet my

relatives you ever consider the and

really trying to scare you yes and

they're doing a fine job from now on we

stick together and after this is over we

stay together then is that a proposal I

think for more a proposition you want to

hear something funny what I could really

go for a guy like you you want to hear

something funnier what I could really go

for you you're right that is funnier on

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

trick or treat creature of evil be G

what are you some kind of religious nut

stand back L I can cast your soul into

Eternal pedition you're taking this

whole thing far too seriously crucifix

it it doesn't repel

you not

particularly besides this whole thing is

only a dream sequence dream sequence

take my word for it it's only a dream

you shouldn't have had those anchovies

at dinner well then I guess I'm in no

immediate Peril not exactly you see

whatever happens in a dream could also

be happening in real life

I

see well in that case you're right

you're up to your neck in trouble

[Music]

one could acquire a taste for this

[Music]

stuff is it just me or things getting

weird no it's just

you here you hang on these I'll trip

over the furniture for a while okay hey

what's behind this door I think I'd

rather have what's behind the

curtain oh my goodness it looks just

like yeah

3D wow this is wild look DX put on your

3D glasses now did you bring them I

thought you had them I don't have them

damn too bad this this could have been a

great sequence kind of nutty family did

I get my born into oh relax will

[Music]

you a flippy to see your faints

first you've played a good game

boy but now your time has come Marissa

duck

[Applause]

a swing of the Miss on Dex Ward I'll

tell you it's a great night for a

baseball game I'm Stan and we're here at

the castle orlock now Dexter is having a

great year he's hitting 498 I'll tell

you that's a big batting average four

home runs something like 49 RB and 16

stolen

bases all right here's the wind up and

the pitch there's a deep drive going got

the right field leeski going back he's

at the track he's at the wall my gosh

it's out of

[Applause]

here for man we must not fer in our

purpose

what is it see the some sort of

Supernatural sphere or the dest

Christmas ornament I've ever seen oh

what will we do now H is down I'm down

he's out well let's get H up and full

sure but I can still help oh let's get

the wheel L up on his feet help me with

his hands hands hands his

[Music]

hands there no there no are you all

right am I who am I what film is this

off he's coming too oh yes I remember

you hands half if you say

so you know maybe we should just call

and I been through enough already it's

keeping me going is well n energy hang

on something we've looked upstairs we've

looked downstairs we've looked

everywhere

except wait a minute that's it that's

got to be it come on

what's it what's got to be it oh look

look she's been pointing the way the

whole time I don't see anything yeah

sure

look Doorway to the Crypt come

[Music]

on sure F us before

it's got to be here

Marissa

Marissa women

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

he did take it with

him

but where'd he

go daddy will be so proud

good laugh be worth a lot of money right

now ah young man from the first moment I

did not recognize you I knew you would

lead us to this book how can I ever

repay you you currency large Mark bills

thank you no I'm afraid you'll never

have the opportunity to spend it that's

reassuring why is that book so important

to you

anyway I've been seeking this volume for

nearly 50 years but now

finally it's mine and what do you intend

to do with it h contained within this

volume are the Mystic incantation

which can summon forth the evil one once

again the forces of Darkness shall rain

complete and

utter

chaos why would you want to do that

because I'm evil haven't you figured

that out

yet van Hing you've got to stop him

there are several distinct advantages to

being a vampire Dear

[Music]

Boy Oh ancient evil one hear these

Mystic

incantations and come

forth hus

pus shy

doy you run R

[Music]

Pap you want it did

[Music]

in I don't mind dying but I hate the

preliminaries fire

[Music]

arlock ah lady Marissa you come back and

in time for my greatest Triumph I came

back to stop you Byron you started as a

Wicked Child grew to a malevolent young

man and now you're a vicious vile

adult but you can't blame a guy for

trying I should have never sent you to

that Progressive school but now it's

finally time to take things in hand and

I have a few scores to settle with you

dearle Ben Hing what are you doing

you're supposed to be one of them just

because you're a vampire that doesn't

make you a bad person I have absolute

power over the evil one at last all

mankind shall gravel at my feet and even

you lady Marissa will

bow and beg my Mercy you know Byron

you're really starting to piss me off

oh well ad

then even

to the

death hey

orlock oh

boy don't you know the devil always wins

[Music]

[Music]

you fool you fools I'll be back in part

two

Dexter what's going on here Mera I was

hoping you could tell

me oh that sound it's horrible yeah it's

even worse than my

song look

what is

[Music]

it my God it's the evil one come forth

to conquer the

world bhing what are we going to do

don't ask me dear fellow vampires I know

but this Lovecraft stuff is out of my

league

[Music]

Marissa Marissa she's being possessed

again yes she's being

repossessed sorry folks to save

yourselves You Must Destroy the book of

Oar you're kidding destroy it for this

body will never put out for you you got

it lady

[Music]

Dexter Dexter my good fellow are you all

right

I think so I sure could have used a

stunt double though for a moment we

thought you weren't going to make it you

better get him back to the castle I'll

take care of things here hey wait a

minute doc you're a vampire now what are

you going to do oh they're not a bad

sort really mostly misunderstood besides

I always wanted to see how the other

half lived if that's the right word well

you two run

along h

maybe we could turn this place into a

trailer

park what do you think you think this is

a good look for me oh do you ever stop

oh come on Miss mariss tomorrow's going

to be great hey things will look a lot

differently in the morning it's never

morning around here it's just one

Endless

Night what's that I don't believe this

it's the same everywhere you must want

lousy pay they shut the power

off oh

dear

daddy my

ction

sh and you weren't dead after her no my

dear I suffer from catalytic spells

which give the appearance of death why

did you leave home without any word a

family Legacy it is the responsibility

of the eldest child to guard the

dimensional Gateway on our land hey come

on now all's well it ends well huh I

mean the book's gone and so's old bald

bearing head over there good ridds to

bad rubbish daddy a lot of strange

things happen around here well you get

used to it it is your responsibility now

as the eldest child you are obliged to

stay here and prevent access of the evil

one as for

me I'm want to go trout fishing in

Canada Daddy I have a career I've got a

record album and a video do out by the

end of the year

hey I got an idea why don't we put on a

show right here sweetie what's this guy

you don't want to know I don't want to

know I don't want to

[Music]

know action

voice it was a dream many

faces Screaming in the Night how can I

know

[Music]

right tell me is it true none of us cast

Reflections and mirrors yes it makes it

a real [ __ ] putting on makeup every

[Music]

night what's that for I wanted the movie

to end with a

bang I think it's going

[Music]

to the left up

upside down you know it's not right so

crazy con I'm hanging by my

heart

to in mdle

[Music]

love maybe you

know in the middle of love

[Music]

how manytimes did I

cry up you no what

I to what I want

[Music]

to my

[Music]

I told you we should have asked for

instructions at that last Arco station

never mind where are we somewhere

between Omaha and Minsk and where is the

castle Ora according to this map we

should be in the living room right now

something is wrong here no wonder this

is a map of the Dominican

Republic man I say we give up forget

everything and go home

or wait a minute I say we give up forget

everything but not go home no no we

should forget everything go home but

never give up I'll make it compromise

we'll give up go home but remember

everything can we put that to a

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh

oh

[Music]

[Music]

oh

[Music]