Original subtitles

("Blood Gulch Blues")

♪ Roses are red and violets are blue ♪

♪ One day we'll cruise down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪

♪ It's red versus red and blue versus blue ♪

♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪

♪ Violets are blue, roses are red ♪

♪ Living like this we were already dead ♪

♪ Hop in my car it don't have any doors ♪

♪ It's built like a cat, it lands on all fours ♪

♪ My car's like a puma, it drives on all fours ♪

No!

No!

Is he ever gonna stop screaming?

He's been up there for hours.

Simmons, shut him up!

Hey Grif, shut the fuck up!

Get down here help us check out the base!

No! No!

No! (sobbing)

I don't think he's even listening to us.

No!

Actually that time I was answering your question, no!

Ugh, go up there and get him Simmons.

If he keeps screaming like that,

he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff!

Cancel that order Simmons!

Donut, get me a sniper rifle.

Yes, sir!

And then he says, "Did I read it?

I already ruined it."

That's disgusting!

I don't get it.

What the fuck was that?

Hey, Church.

Hey. Huh?

Isn't anybody gonna ask me,

"What happen to your body Church?"

What happen to your body, Church?

What happen to somebody, Church?

Hell if I know, all I know is:

I was sitting there talking to Gary, and-

The Bomb?

No that's Andy, Gary is the computer.

I don't even know your names half the time.

I know my name.

You can ask me if you forget.

Hey, can we please focus on me?

By the way, he's Church.

Yes, thank you, Caboose, she knows.

He is the mean one.

Thank you, Caboose

See, he is mad.

Now he'll just stare at me until I stop talking.

Then, when he thinks I am done talking,

then he will start talking again.

Okay, I was talking to Gary and-

Told you so. Goddammit!

Classic Church.

I wonder if a ghost could have an aneurysm.

Anyway, I was talking to Gary

about the great destroyer,

who at the time, we thought was Tex.

The Great Destroyer has arrived, the end is near!

Whoa, come on Gary, Gary.

stop, stop, stop, stop.

Hey, if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy,

then who is?

And that's when I turned around and I saw...

Saw what?

Saw O'Malley.

What the, Caboose, get out of the story man!

No, it wasn't O'Malley.

What was it?

Stop interrupting me, and I'll tell you.

A helicopter?

Yeah Caboose, shut up.

Hey Tucker, your interrupting now too.

Everybody just get out of here.

Me, I'm just trying to punch up the story line.

Check this out.

Hi everybody, I'm super horny from all the robot killing.

Hey is it hot in here?

Who wants to help me out of this heavy armor.

This breast plate is so itchy.

Bow Chicka bow, whoa, stories over.

You're a pig.

I didn't even get to the part

where the sailors show up.

Just tell us, what did you see?

Um, it was really big, thing.

That's your story?

You saw a big thing?

Ah, my story had a big thing in it too.

You just didn't give it time to develop.

Well I didn't really get a clear look at it.

At Tucker's big thing.

No, dumbass,

at the big thing in the base that attacked me.

All I know is that it was slimy, and it had lots of teeth.

Kinky.

Seriously, dude, cut the shit.

We got a situation on our hands.

Well how did you fight it off?

Fight it off?

You must have me confused when someone who's brave.

I got the hell out of there.

You're telling me that you left your body behind?

I had to get out of there fast.

That body was just dead weight.

I know the feeling.

What is that supposed to mean?

(laughs) Some slimy toothed monster

scared the crap out of Church!

He didn't scare the crap out of him.

He scared the soul out of him.

Oh, it's Church, what's the difference?

His soul is made out of crap.

Stupid crap for soul.

For all I know,

he's in there chewing on my body right now.

Well, then let's go get this big thing of yours.

Bow chicka bow wow!

Oh shut up. Shut up, Tucker.

Somebody call for a really hairy plumber.

Bow chicka bow wow!

Tucker, shut up.

I came here to lay some pipe.

Bow chicka bow wow!

Tucker!

So I hear you got sisters.

Bow chicka, we're twins, wow Wow!

Shut up!

Hey are you a model or famous actress?

Bow chicka bow wow! Shut up!

Bow chicka bow wow! Shut up!

Shut up!

No! (gun bangs)

Whoa, no!

No! That was close

Thank you sir!

No!

Donut, you are going outta turn.

I thought I went after Simmons.

No, we go in line.

It goes you then me, then Simmons,

then back down to me, then you, then me, then me,

then Simmons, then me, then me, then Simmons, me,

me Simmons you Simmons me me me Simmons you, me,

then me again.

It makes perfect sense.

But doesn't that mean you go twice as much?

Or, 10 times as much?

(gun bangs)

Ow!

This is the best game since Grifball.

I'm not comin' down!

Hey, Grif!

Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival!

(gun bangs)

No, don't duck, that makes you harder to hit.

Act like a duck!

Wait a minute, that was my turn!

This is the Lightning Round.

Who's in the Lightning Round-

Me. (gun bangs)

All right, fuck this, I'm comin' down!

(gun bangs) Ow, I said I'm coming down!

Yeah, buzzer-beater!

Take that you stupid duck!

(guitar riff)

We haven't seen that alien thing come out,

so it's probably still hiding in there.

Or, eating Church!

All right then, let's roll.

Okay, here we go.

Uh, we're not moving.

Yeah, yeah, okay, here we go.

We're still not moving.

Does talking count as moving?

All right screw it,

you guys get behind me and stay tight.

Bow chika bow wow.

Never mind, Tucker's in front.

Eh, it was worth it.

(guitar riff)

All right men, stay out of sight,

we have to be prepared for anything

Uh, why are we hiding from our own base?

Because, we have no idea what's inside.

Anything could have occupied the base

after we jumped into the future.

Oh my god!

What if we're in there?

Yeah, no, wait, aren't we out here?

I mean past versions of ourselves!

We could go in there and meet ourselves!

Oh man, we'd be best friends, we'd have so much in common!

Finally someone who shares the pain!

Donut, that's not how time travel works.

We don't leave copies of our selves behind

And even if we did, they'd all be 800 years old,

they'd all be dead by now.

Speak for yourself, I could live to be 800,

I'm on this awesome diet!

Still doin' that high-fat, low-fiber, liquid diet

where you drink nothin' but bacon grease?

Nah, that was just a fad.

What's the new one?

I only eat foods that begin with vowels.

That sounds really hard,

what did you have for breakfast?

Eggs and Oreos.

And for lunch I'm having asparagus, and Oreos.

Holy crap! I've been on that diet for years!

I had no idea I was so healthy.

I even cut out all the eggs.

And I don't even know what asparagus is.

All right, men, stop your chatter boxin'.

We've got to keep our eyes open

for any sign of enemy activity.

I cant have you not paying attention.

We have to be alert.

Constant vigilance, composed, attentive!

See, that's much better.

(guitar riff)

Hey, why didn't you bring that glowing thing?

No way, I'd rather have a gun.

But I've got a gun.

What are you gonna do,

shoot him with ghost bullets?

Okay, yeah, that's a good point.

Hey, I'm Casper, the Friendly Bullet!

Hey, you see anything?

Nope.

You know, Andy was here when I got attacked,

maybe he knows something

Hey, Andy!

Andy!

Hey, look who's back!

The dickhead!

Hey, up yours.

Back for another beatin'?

It must be ass kick o'clock.

Where's that big alien thing?

I don't know, last time I saw him,

he was half-way up your ass.

Is this bomb giving you a hard time?

I see you brought a girl with ya.

What are you gonna have, a cryin' contest?

Hey look, there's my body right there.

Blarg.

Ah, there it is!

Jesus! Run! Crap!

(guns banging)

Oh my god, oh my god, I don't wanna die,

what the fuck is that thing?

Run!

Women and children last!

Run run run run run run run!

(laughs) What, you're leavin' already?

That's fuckin' hilarious.

Ah, run run run run run!

Did we win?

Yeah, Caboose, we won, this is our victory lap!

Hey come back in, I think you're tirin' him out!

I'm telling you, it was here!

It drove by while you were talking.

You had your back turned and it went zoom right behind you!

Well it really sounded like (imitates machine).

That's not the important part

of the story, Donut!

Sure Simmons, I believe you.

You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously

and then just as quickly disappeared.

And you're the only one that can see it.

Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality.

No I'm not, Donut saw it. Yeah!

Donut's impressionable.

He'd agree with anything you said.

Yeah!

Aw hell, he'd eat a spoonful of dirt

if you told him it tasted like chocolate.

(gasps) That's not true!

So that's where you draw the line?

No, I mean it's not true

that dirt tastes like chocolate, right?

Seriously, right?

Okay, well Grif saw it too,

we all saw it.

I don't know what you're talking about,

I didn't see a damn thing.

What?

Tank you say?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I was too busy paying attention to our Sergeant

while he gave us our orders.

Oh really?

Well what did he say?

Something inspiring about beating the Blues.

And the base or the flag, or something.

I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too.

I was getting a little emotional at the end.

See Simmons?

Some soldiers know how to pay attention.

Wow, that might be the first time

you've ever actually complimented-

Shut up, dirtbag.

Grif, you just told us all two minutes ago

that you saw it.

Yeah, I know, but it's a lot more fun this way.

(guitar riff)

Ugh, man I just cannot fucking stand

the idea of my body layin' in there.

Haha, you never looked better!

Hey, shut up, Andy!

You know, we could've taken that alien out

if I'd gave hit him just a few more times.

A few more times!

How about one time?

Well I think I landed

at least two or three shots.

Yeah right.

You didn't hit anything but the wall.

How the hell would you know?

You were running straight backwards.

This is a long range weapon, okay?

I need distance to use it effectively.

Where were you planning on shooting it from?

The fucking moon?

If you'd backed up any further

you would have had to mail him the bullets.

You know what, I work better alone.

You ladies stay here.

I'll be back in two minutes

with that thing's head on a platter!

Does it ever bother you

that the most take charge guy on our team is a girl?

Not at all.

As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.

What?

Haha, well Church you're kind of

a long way from hero.

Wouldn't it have been better to say,

I don't care if I'm a participant?

Or maybe, bystander?

Shut up. Or a decoy.

Hey, Caboose, don't help him okay?

Hey, she's going in.

You guys think she can take him?

(punch thuds)

Oh crap. Nope.

(guitar riff)

Come on, Donut, give someone else a turn!

Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys

the bunny hop I'm working on.

Look!

No wait!

Now, look!

Aww.

Aw, man, I was totally doing it earlier.

Why weren't you guys watching then?

I need it to find the tank!

Wee!

Woo!

Woo hoo!

Grif, I wanna share something with you.

And you can't let Simmons know.

Whatever.

I think that Simmons has gone mad.

It's probably some kind of time travel

post traumatic repetitive stress syndrome.

In scientific terms, he's developed cranial insanatosis.

Basically, he's gone bonkers.

Sarge, I'm not crazy!

I really saw a tank.

And apparently he's developed

some kind of mutant telepathy power.

Clear your mind, Grif!

He can hear your thoughts!

No, you guys just left your mics on again.

I keep telling you not to do that

'cause you're just wasting the batteries.

Oh, and guess who recharges-

Clearly he's sabotaging us

with his superior technology.

Grif, I need you to step up to the plate.

You're my number two man now.

Does that mean more work?

Of course.

You'll have to do Simmons regular duties

on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.

So basically just Simmons duties then?

Right.

Luckily we still have Donut.

So no one has to fill in his shoes.

Donut combat situation!

Yes sir, I'm on it.

(Donut shouting and screaming)

What a pro.

Simmons, I mean Grif!

Establish a perimeter.

Huh, what's that?

Make a border around us,

and make sure no enemy crosses it.

Ugh, that sounds like a lot of effort.

Can't I just go back to being number three again?

Number three?

What do you mean number three?

Oh right, Donut.

Can I go back to being number four then?

And Lopez.

Fine, I'll be number five, I don't care.

I don't know,

that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.

But he's the enemy!

I'm not real particular.

Now get to work on that perimeter!

Bogey approaching!

Sir, I really think

we should be looking for that tank.

Hold on a minute.

Let's just take it easy there,

Private first class Dick Simmons.

But I, hey what?

Why did you use my full name?

Grif, what in Sam Hill are you doing?

I secured your perimeter sir.

Now I'm gonna go over to the chow hall

and secure some Oreos.

I got a diet to keep up.

Break time.

Honeymoon's over, numbnuts!

You're back down to number seven!

Oh yeah?

Well I saw the tank too!

(guitar riff)

Maybe Caboose should try talking to him.

Uh, what would I say?

Start with some common ground.

Like how you both killed Church.

Mm, good times.

You know, I actually like that idea.

You do?

Well think about it.

While our ambassador here

is either being A, eaten by the alien,

or B, digested by the alien,

you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

I would make an excellent ambadassdor.

Because I am very shy!

Get away from me, freak!

You know if that word's too hard to pronounce,

you can just call yourself bait.

There's my body.

Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body,

(laughs) You really didn't make it very far did you?

You know I wonder, if I killed a ghost

would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?

Yeah that's a good point, I'll shut up now.

(guitar riff)

Hey, Andy.

Say, have you seen, it's a big uh slimy,

like alien looking thing?

It's uh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow

that's on the ground next to you.

Oh.

All right, men.

Donut, since Simmons has been demoted

for reasons of dementia-

The tank was real!

And he's been ordered by the judge

to stay at least 200 yards away from us-

Oh, come on, that wasn't a real judge!

That was Donut wearing a powdered wig!

Over, ahem, overruled.

Shame on you, hurr.

We are now holding auditions

for the permanent position of second-in-command

here at Blood Gulch Outpost #1.

What?

And since Simmons is disqualified

because of the aforementioned cuckoo-ness,

and since Grif isn't eligible-

Or because I don't want to compete.

Because you're ineligible!

No, I just don't want to compete.

Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!

(sigh) Whatever.

I guess that means I get the job

because I'm unopposed.

Which is the same way I got,

"Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.

Actually, Donut, I managed to find

some other candidates for you to compete against.

Huh?

We've located an old wrench used by Lopez

and this skull of unknown origin.

Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries,

but they didn't make it to the semifinals.

Lazy bastards.

Yes!

You guys are going down.

In your face, wrench, in your face!

Take that, bonehead. (laughs)

Woo!

You'll be competing against each other

in a series of grueling events

in order to gain my attention.

First up, the obstacle course.

Grif, get the alligators!

I thought I was ineligible.

To earn my respect, dirtbag.

You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.

Oh, man, I can't believe this!

My life was going exactly as planned.

I was second-in-command of a marginally successful unit,

I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me,

I had the respect and admiration of all my peers.

That was the dream!

How did it all go so wrong!?

How?

How!

Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

I don't think so.

Shut up, you ruined my life.

(guitar riff)

I think I will call him, Crunchbite.

Eh, that's a stupid name.

Ah, well, I think it's better

than your suggestion.

Crouchosaurus?

Caboose, who are you talking to, holy shit!

Blarg.

Stop, he is my friend.

Blarg.

He is not going to eat anybody.

Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat!

He thinks we stink?

It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here.

Blarg?

Caboose, what the fuck, man?

Are you sure about this thing?

Absolutely.

He has not tried to bite me at all.

Blarg.

since he bit me the first time.

Hehe, yeah, that was hilarious.

I think I might need a tetanus shot.

Blarg, blarg.

Whoa, that thing's breath

smells like infected cheese on a hot plate. (coughs)

Blarg!

I don't think he likes that.

Oh, man, what is that stench?

Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?

It smells like old yogurt.

(alien growling)

Did you eat and them throw up a can of trash?

Honk.

That's exactly what he said

right before he bit me.

Blarg blarg, honk!

Do you understand what he's saying?

Wait, wait, wait.

I think I'm hearing a pattern here.

I think that "blargs" come after "honks."

Honk! Or vice-versa.

Blarg!

I think, I think "blarg" means me, or, apples.

Blarg!

Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat!

Quick, quick, is, is Apples stuck in a tree?

Blarg.

I will call the fire department.

Mister huge alien,

do you understand what we are saying?

Blarg!

I have no idea if that means yes or no.

Honk. Totally blows away

your vice-versa theory, sorry.

You two are retarded.

You're not going to be able to figure out

alien language by experimentation, give it up.

You don't know that.

You don't even know how they talk.

What if their language isn't entirely verbal?

It could be part telepathic, or via smells, ugh.

If it's via smells,

then you should be fluent in the language already.

Jackass.

Honk.

Oh, shut up, you're not helping.

Wait, I think Tucker might be right.

I think he might be saying things telepathically.

I just heard something in my head.

What, what was it?

It was a voice, saying,

blarg blarg blarg honk. Honk!

That wasn't in your head, Caboose.

He just said that.

You're just so dumb, you're lagged a few seconds behind us.

By the time your brain figures out what it's heard,

it feels like it already happened.

That's not true.

All right, Dirtbags.

After the third round of the competition

it's still anyone's contest.

Yeah, burn wrench!

Anyone includes me! (laughs)

Donut was leading after the obstacle course

and talent contest.

Awesome, who-de-who!

But then the mysterious skull pulled ahead

during the Question and Answer session.

That doesn't seem physically possible.

So the standings are: The Skull, Donut,

and in third, the Wrench,

which is the current crowd favorite!

(car horn honking)

Ha ha, maybe the skull will be your new sidekick

Hey Sarge, how can I kiss your ass if I don't have any lips?

And in last place, Grif.

What?

I thought I was ineligible.

Ineligible to win, dead man.

Luckily there's no chance of that happening

since the last round is the evening-wear competition!

Oh-ho you're in trouble now, skull!

Then can I quit?

Course not,

only eligible contestants can withdraw from the competition.

(Grif sighs)

I guess you'll just have to settle

for fifth place, turd belly.

Fifth place?

Should I even ask who's in fourth?

I'm reserving fourth place for any late entries

who would obviously be better than you,

such as a turd, or a turd farmer.

Hey Gary, is there any way

that you could translate

what this big alien is saying to us?

No.

Aw, come on, man.

Isn't this one of the aliens that built you?

Yes, but I do not know much about those creatures.

I was only programmed with knowledge of the shisnos.

I mean you.

Yeah, listen man,

that word is really starting to bug me a little bit.

You did not even know what it meant

until I told you.

I know, but you just say it so much.

I only say shisno in context.

Like when talking to a shisno or about a shisno.

I think I see what you mean, shisno.

So you'll stop?

Inter-species prejudices

take a long time to overcome.

But I will try.

Thanks.

Luckily, I am not lazy like a shisno.

Yeah, it's pretty clear

you mean to give this your best effort.

I think the important thing is that I am trying.

Okay, Church is trying to get a translator,

so that we can talk to each other.

Tucker, the enormous alien

doesn't speak our language.

Speaking slowly is not gonna help.

What?

I'm talking to Caboose.

Oh.

I don't understand.

Are, are you hungry?

Tucker, are you hungry?

Are you cold?

What? No! Do you need a blanket?

Tucker, do you want some hot dogs in a blanket?

Dammit no, Caboose, I'm not cold,

I don't want a hot dog,

and if you put mustard in my fucking sheets again,

I'm gonna kill you.

Okay gargantuan alien,

now that we have decided to keep you, you need a real name.

I vote for Fluffy.

Fluffy?

Fluffy!

The alien that only loves!

He's got to have a name.

Why don't we just ask him?

Hey alien dude, what's your name?

Name.

I am Tucker.

This is Church.

That's Bitchpants McCrabby.

Hey!

Well that's what we call you!

Not me.

I call you "Mrs. McCrabby".

Thanks.

What is your name?

Honk-honk! Your name.

Honk-honk! Name.

Just keep repeating it, Church.

I'm sure he'll come up with the right definition on his own.

He is Tucker. Tuc-ker.

You are? Honk-honk!

No, no, no, not Honk-honk.

Name.

Honk honk!

Okay, I give up.

All this guy says is Honk-honk!

Well have you ever considered the fact

that his name is Honk-Honk?

Blarg?

Do you have any idea how stupid that sounds?

Yeah, I mean seriously,

what kind of name is Honk-Honk?

Blarg?

Hey, big alien, is your name Honk-Honk?

Blarg.

Hey wait a second, I think, blarg means yes.

Alien, does blarg mean yes?

Blarg.

Holy shit!

Blarg means yes, he just said yes, blarg means yes!

I speak alien!

Yeah, unless blarg means no.

In which case, he just said no, blarg does not mean yes.

What? No way!

Hey Alien, am I right?

Blarg. Ha-ha, see?

The fuck do you know?

After the final calculations,

we've declared a winner!

Grif, the envelope please!

Envelope?

We don't have any envelopes, this is the army!

Donut's the winner.

Oh, yes!

Well, my life's officially over.

Time to go kill myself!

Wait for me!

Look, no offense imaginary tank,

but I don't believe in you.

You're just a product of my imagination.

Actually,

I'm a product of the military contractor

that made the lowest bid.

I'm a little ashamed of that.

Well, leave me alone!

I can't have some imaginary tank

ruining my excellent reputation!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go dig a hole to live in.

(sighs) I wish Grif was here.

I could convince him there was food underground.

Then he would dig half a hole for me.

Or, maybe a third of a hole.

Then he'd use the shovel to eat oatmeal.

On second thought, I don't wish Grif was here.

You can live with me!

Just ignore it, it's not real.

I have my own base!

In fact, I've made lots of renovations since you all left.

See?

Hey, that's the old Blue base!

Yes, I was sent to guard it from something!

I can't really remember what.

Some of my memory banks have failed over the years.

Do you remember what the Blues were fighting?

Uh, I think it was pirates.

Are you sure?

I think it was another army.

I think they were a different color.

No, it was definitely pirates.

That doesn't sound right.

Yeah, pirates.

And I think there were some ninjas

that were working with them.

No, I don't think so.

And I think they had traveled

from another planet. Incorrect.

I think it was called Cowboyland.

Negative.

And they were here to rustle up some cattle.

No.

But the Blues were gonna stop 'em.

Naw.

No wait, monkeys.

Monkey pirates. Nope.

From Uranus.

My logical data analysis sector

indicates that would be highly unlikely.

And my bullshit meter agrees.

Church!

Church!

Hey, Church!

I'm right behind you, dumbass.

Oh.

Hey, Church, do you have a knife?

No.

That's a weapon dude, ask Tex.

She said she had something to take care of.

Girl stuff, I think.

Huh, like what?

I don't know.

I stopped asking questions at girl stuff.

What are you two guys doing?

We're gonna teach the alien how to speak English.

How are you gonna do that?

People learn English all the time,

it aren't that hard.

Maybe you should try learning his language.

Fuck that!

We got here first, and that makes this a colony!

Those are the rules, dude.

Earth colony, Earth language

Tucker, there's thousands of languages

spoken on Earth.

Yeah, but only one that kicks ass!

And that's the one we're teaching!

English 101, remedial kick ass!

All right,

there's no way this is gonna work.

Yeah, it is, we got visual aids and everything.

Where the hell did you get those?

We made them.

Turns out Caboose's gun didn't have any bullets.

It was loaded with crayons.

I just need to cut one of these things..

Do you have a pocket knife?

Hey, if you need to cut something

why don't you just use that big sword of yours?

Oh, right.

Duh.

Blarg?

(Honk-Honk growls)

Ow, what the fuck?

Man, Tucker,

that thing either really hates that sword

or really hates you!

(Tucker screaming)

Get this fucking thing off me!

Wait a second, Tucker,

this might be a good chance for us to evaluate

how these things fight.

Now hold still, for science.

Not the face, not the face!

Sarge, can you hear me, Sarge, come in!

Sarge, Sarge, do you read me, this is Simmons!

Come in!

Hello, Red army HQ,

we don't stop until every Blue is dead!

Donut, let me talk to Sarge.

For help in English, press or say one.

One.

(Donut speaking in foreign language)

One.

One!

God damn it!

For unconfirmed Dutch-Irish

press one two, as in, "also."

Donut! Oh, hey, Simmons!

What's up?

Donut, put Sarge on!

Ooh, yeah, Sarge is really busy.

Things have really picked up since you left.

Donut, I'm not here!

Let me see.

Do you mind if I put you on hold?

Just take a message!

Donut, stop screening my calls!

Sorry, Simmons,

Sarge isn't available at the moment.

I tell you what, I can ask him to call you back but,

it's really better if you have an appointment.

Oh, for the love of God, I can hear him, Donut!

Would you just tell him I captured the blue base and,

and I've taken possession of their tank.

Right, right, Simmons-

Tell him we've got Call Waiting..

Blue base-

No, No, you're going through a tunnel!

Tank.

Tank!

Are you really writing this down?

Look, I have to go.

We have a conference call with Grif in five minutes.

He's pitching ideas for how to use your rations.

Gotta run.

If anything comes up, we'll call you.

And Simmons? What?

This job is the best!

I can't believe you quit!

That's it.

I'm gonna kill them all.

Hey, Sheila, lock and load!

We got somewhere to go!

Ow.

Ow.

All right, bomb, we need to talk.

(laughs) Talk about what, butch?

Working on cars and picking up chicks?

Excuse me?

Is that any way to talk to a lady?

A lady?

Who are you kidding?

I'd bet you've got more balls than a roman candle!

I knew this was a bad idea.

Hey, Tex?

Why you got black armor?

You couldn't find any in flannel?

Listen, jackass. Flannel!

I put you together, I can take you apart.

Hey what do you mean?

Bombs come with remote detonators, dumb ass.

And any time I want

I can just hit a button and you're just a memory.

A very annoying, very insulting memory,

but nonetheless, a memory.

I think you're bluffing.

Dike Okay, strike two.

All right, what do you want?

Well, when I built you

I used parts of an old protocol robot.

Yeah, sure, and you also used parts

from some of your more "personal" devices..

Whoa, okay!

Can you use those protocol parts

and translate what this alien thing is saying?

Of course!

But what's in it for me?

Let's put it this way,

you don't push my buttons and I don't push yours.

All right, fine.

But I'm not translating any of that touchy-feely crap.

Deal, come on.

Well, are you coming?

What am I going to do, roll there?

Pick me up, you dumb bitch!

Great.

I can tell this is starting off well.

Hey, Tex,

I bet you haven't had your hands on a ball this big

since your morning scratch! (laughs)

(bomb thuds) Aw, come on!

Tex, baby, where you going?

It's just a joke between the two of us guys, come on!

Hey, Tex, when you walk away I can see where ya tucked it!

There is no way I'm gonna let this happen!

I told you he can do it!

Yeah, I'm qualified!

Listen, I don't doubt that he can do it,

I doubt that I want him to do it.

Why?

Well, you know what, Andy?

You're not exactly the most diplomatic of individuals.

That's bullshit!

You're only saying that because you're a racist!

Racist?

Bombs are not a race!

Aw, shut up, you dirty shisno.

We finally make contact with an alien being

and our first attempt at communication

is gonna be through a bomb?

Am I the only person who has a problem with this?

Well, unless you've got

your English to Blarg-Blarg dictionary,

I don't think you have a choice, now do you?

I had one of those, but I threw it out.

It didn't have many pictures.

I'm sure this'll be fine..

You know, I feel like I'm gonna regret this,

but I feel even more that I just don't care

and that watching this whole thing unravel

might be kinda interesting.

Go for it.

All right, where's the alien?

Oh, shit, I forgot!

(punches thudding) Ow, ow, ow!

Grif?

Oh, Grif?

Grif!

(sighs) Great.

There you are!

Where have you been?

Right here

I've been looking all over for you.

I looked in the base, I looked around the base,

I looked atop of the base, I looked in the base again.

I think you need to learn what all over means.

Anyway, Sarge wants you to come back to the base

and- No!

I'm not going to do it.

No?

But I didn't tell you what he wants!

Donut, it's Sarge.

I know he doesn't want me to come into the base

to help him eat ice cream.

He wants me to do stuff, work stuff.

But- Listen, Donut,

I know you're riding high on your new promotion right now

but don't think you can order me around.

Me and Simmons, we had a system.

He didn't try to tell me what to do

and I didn't ignore him.

Wait, you ignored him all the time!

I'm sorry, what, I wasn't listening to you.

See, the system works!

Learn the system, Donut..

Look at those jerks.

They don't know how good they have it.

All right, Sheila, remember the plan.

We don't want to hurt them.

I just wanna make them totally jealous for kicking me out.

How does my armor look, am I all blue?

Yes!

Okay, let's start operation Blue With Envy.

You know, because normally it's green, but I'm, I'm blue.

but it doesn't make any sense to say, you know.

Attack!

Hey, Sheila, you know what's great?

Being on Blue team!

It's so awesome!

Way more awesome than being on that old Red team!

Anyone can be on the Red team, we have to share a base.

On Blue team, I get my own base!

Is that Simmons?

Hey, Simmons, why are you painted blue?

Have you finally lost it?

This isn't working, they don't care.

Sheila, just shoot at them.

Firing main cannon.

I did my best Sarge,

but Grif said he wouldn't come help!

Son of a Ben & Jerry!

Who's going to help me eat all this ice cream we found?

(explosion booms)

Ah, we're under attack!

Donut, you formulate a retaliation strategy!

I'll secure the rum raisin!

Oh man, I'm gonna die!

Blarg Blarg Honk!

What's he saying now, Andy?

Look guys, if you want me to translate for you

you can't keep asking me every four seconds,

what's he saying now, Andy?

What's he saying now?

I'm gonna tell you what he's saying, that's my frickin job!

That's what he said?

That's a weird thing to say.

Tell him I said, okay, I will not ask anymore of, uh,

that and also, no.

I think I need a translator just for Caboose.

Blarg!

Okay, basically he's, uh, he says he's pissed off.

Oh really?

No kidding!

Tex, are we paying for this service?

Just give him a chance!

Blarg blarg, blarg blarg blarg.

Says he came here to claim some type of thing

and that the Teal One took the thing

and now the thing is gone.

Who's the Teal One?

You are, idiot.

No way, I'm Aqua!

Teal's out!

That thing that he's talking about

must be that sword and it's not broken, it's right there!

Blarg blarg!

He says, it only works for the hero

who passes the trial of the windmill

and retrieves it from its resting place.

For everyone else it might as well be broken.

Uh-oh. Trial?

Please, I fell in a hole, that's not a trial.

I'm starting to like this culture though.

Any dude who trips is a hero.

I'm pretty sure that makes Caboose God.

This all sounds like bullshit to me.

No, he's right.

It didn't work for me, remember?

Of course it didn't work for you, you're a girl!

I mean, you can't even work

the entertainment center back at the base!

Doesn't mean the remote control

is mythically attached to us.

All right then, you little smart ass,

you pick it up and try it!

(Honk-Honk laughing)

Nah, I'll take his word for it.

Blarg, blarg.

And now you got to go with him

to fulfill the prophecy.

Fuck you!

Blarg blarg blarg, honk honk!

Heh heh heh, good one!

Uh, yeah, he's, he's not too thrilled about it either.

See, I knew this was a bad idea!

Sorry to fuck up your quest, dude, but I'm not going!

And if you don't go,

he'll destroy the base and kill everybody here.

All right, well have fun, guys.

Hey, a quest sounds fun, come on, Tucker!

I think he should stay here,

'cause I like that killing everybody option.

Blarg blarg blarg.

Then, after we cross

the Burning Plains of Honka Hill,

we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

The Burning Plains

are next to the Freezing Plains?

I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

This is so dumb, I'm not doing this!

Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice.

You're the one that picked up the sword

and locked it to yourself.

I know!

And I'm so used to picking up things

and not letting them get attached.

I'm talkin' about women.

I know, yes, I got it.

Don't worry, Tucker,

we're not gonna send you alone.

You're coming with me, Tex? Me?

Hell, no!

This is the first thing you wimps have done

that actually sounds dangerous.

Well, I'm not going with Church,

that guy is a worse fighter than I am.

Well, you're in luck then!

Because I'm not going either!

What? Then who?

No fucking way!

I'm not going with him!

Oh, oh, oh,

I hope we meet a cleric along the way!

None of us knows how to heal.

Blarg?

He says he's a healer.

Oh, good.

Heh heh, not really.

They eat their wounded, heh heh heh.

Just like chiropractors.

This is a joke, right, you're sending Caboose?

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with me?

I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it!

There's nothing wrong with me.

Okay, so, Tucker is a fighter,

Crunchbite is the healer, and I am the powerful,

and intelligent wizard, Morphumax!

What the hell does that make me?

You're the good looking and stealthy archer.

A bow and arrow?

I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!

That is what makes you so stealthy.

This is going to be the best party ever.

I'm gonna fucking die.

Yeah, I guess this is it, Tucker!

Nice knowing you!

Oh, you better hope that I don't die,

'cause if I do you're the one taking care of my kids.

You have kids?

Hehe, probably!

Firing main cannon.

Yeah, take that!

Suck it Blue, I mean, Red!

Suck it Blue, uh, damn, Red!

God, this is harder than I thought.

Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm attacking the Blue base, I mean, the Red base, fuck!

Defense is established Sarge!

(explosion booms)

Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.

Killing our own team, huh?

That's cool.

Hey listen, how long do you expect

this whole crazy thing to last?

I'm not crazy, Grif,

you just wouldn't listen to me

when I said there was a tank!

I listened to you.

You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank!

There it is, it's a tank!

Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you.

Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny,

but now Donut's my manager and

everything kinda sucks now..

Well too bad,

'cause this is what you get now you dumb Blue bitch,

Red bitch!

Fuck, you know what I mean!

Firing main cannon.

Great sodium chloride!

There goes my chemistry set!

I don't think killing Sarge

is much of a punishment for me.

Just come back to the base, man.

I'll let you boss me around again.

I don't know,

I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear!

I am, see?

It's just like old times!

Come on, buddy!

Will you help me clean my armor?

How about I promise to help you clean it

but then just convince Donut to do it later?

Ah, good old Grif!

Simmons, is that you?

Yeah, Sarge, but don't worry, we got-

Simmons, I can understand you're going crazy

and seeing imaginary tanks!

The tank is right there, for the love of God!

And I can obviously understand

why you'd want to attack your own base.

You can?

But painting yourself blue!

Dear God, man, don't you have any shame at all?

Hey, Sarge, you should also note

that he missed a couple of spots!

Grif?

What in Sam Hell are you doing out there?

At least Simmons has the intelligence

to formulate a mutinous plan.

Thank you, sir!

I mean, suck it Blue!

God dammit, I mean Red!

But you're a slothful idiot!

Treason takes effort, I never expected this from you..

Ah, up yours.

What was that?

Up yours, sir!

That's better!

Well, good luck guys.

Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day.

Tucker, that goes double for you.

What?

I'm the cleanest guy here!

No, it goes double for you

because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.

I hate you.

He doesn't wear any pants

Yeah, we noticed.

If we meet anybody on this adventure,

that might have to change.

Why?

We're used to being naked.

Free-ballin'.

Come on!.

Commando.

Let me just put it this way,

I felt less threatened

when Tex was staring at just the sword.

Huh, what, oh?

Um, yeah, I was just admiring his,

his alien muscle structure.

Yeah, one particular part

of his muscle structure.

Well, that's just a matter of penis,

I mean, uh, opinion, opinion.

That's, that's what I meant, yes.

Smooth.

You told me it was another arm!

Blarg!

Hey, Caboose, high five!

I don't want to do that any more.

Tucker, come here,

I want to talk to you for a second.

Listen, just drop off this weapon

and get back to Blue base as fast as you can.

What if I have to kill stuff, dude?

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

Hey, Tucker, I'm the same way.

That's why we get along so well.

We're both just a couple of lovers.

That sounded kinda gay, dude.

Yeah, it did, um,

I feel obligated to say something encouraging, as your boss.

Our Captain died.

You're just the guy pretending to be my boss..

You know, in our given situation,

technically, you could be seen as one of my employees.

Except that I'm not.

Whatever!

Listen I just,

as someone in an employee manager relationship-

Which doesn't exist.

Why did you pull me aside again?

You know, I'm sure it was

to say something inspiring or something

but, now, I just don't care.

I'ma go, man.

Hey, lady!

Come on, hustle up!

If you got to use the bathroom do it now

'cause I'm not pulling over.

You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised

that you're not going with them.

Why?

Quests are dangerous.

Yeah, but they usually have

some kind of big reward at the end, you know,

like some big treasure chest or

an entire room filled with gold and art.

It's not really like you to pass up

on something like that, Tex.

Tex?

You're gone, aren't you?

(sighs) I really should've seen that coming.

Well, this is a tough one.

Simmons appears to have captured Grif,

which means we're down a man.

And now that man has taken Grif prisoner.

So does that make us even?

What's one plus turd?

Dammit, only Grif could screw up math!

Hurry up, Grif.

You know, Simmons,

you don't make a very good hostage taker.

My last prisoner experience was much cooler.

What?

You haven't even yelled at me one time.

You're doing everything right!

I think yelling should be reserved

for only the most critical of situations,

like when someone drinks milk out of the carton!

Come on, Simmons, I'm a prisoner!

You should be jabbing me in the back

with your gun and saying, "get moving scum!"

Get going! Louder!

I said move! Yeah, that's it!

Move it, soldier!

Okay, seriously, that hurts.

(guitar riff)

Man, these guys really like blue lights!

I mean, I know this is Blue base and all but come on.

You don't have to beat us over the head with it.

Get in the hole!

You have a hole?

Whoa, now that's cool!

I take back everything I said,

this is much creepier than my last time in the joint.

Move!

Dude, if you keep doing that

this is gonna get old quick.

I said in the hole!

Who's the bad hostage taker now, bitch?

Um, I think I found a design flaw in your hole.

What?

Get back in there!

(punch thuds)

Wee!

Look, I came out backwards this time!

You're supposed to,

you're the prisoner, stay down there!

Hey, it's been explaining to me

everything we should encounter.

The legend's pretty old, but the details are pretty clear.

Listen, dude.

I don't care what you say, I'm not killing any monsters.

Hey, don't interrupt!

It's hard enough to translate without you-

Well, if this little quest

depends on me killing stuff,

we might as well just stop here.

Eh, don't be a chicken.

I'm not chicken! I'm just,

okay, I'm chicken.

Blarg?

Blarg blarg.

Blarg, blarg blarg, blarg honk.

Blarg honk!

What's he saying?

He wanted to know what a chicken is.

I told him it's this nasty little bird that humans eat.

And you also eat the white things

that shoot out of its butt.

You know, you could've cleaned

that up a little bit.

I did!

They don't come out of its butt, you know.

Blarg!

Yeah, they're pretty disgusting.

Chickens aren't that bad!

He was talking about you guys!

He's not a big fan!

I'm not either!

Honk.

Earth sucks!

Earth does not suck, Earth rules!

We invented the telephone!

Blarg blarg.

He says they invented the telephone, too!

And they did it 1,000 years before you did!

Oh, well, what'd they have to say on it?

"Blarg blarg, honk honk?"

Who the fuck wants to hear that?

Blarg, honk.

Okay, these are the great burning plains

we talked about.

They don't look burning, they look burnt.

Hey, I recognize this place!

Get ready.

He's gonna distract the monster,

and you use your heroic powers to swoop in and-

Heroic powers?

Yeah,

you're the big hero from that prophecy, ain't you?

Oh, right.

Boy, are you guys going to be disappointed.

And don't forget,

go for the weak spot in the armor.

Yeah, and where was that again?

We already went over this!

Apparently paying attention

to lame biology lessons isn't one of my super powers.

Blarg!

Be quiet! Blarg!

Get down. Blarg blarg.

He just wants a moments peace before the plan fails

and we all get killed.

Blarg!

Oh, sorry.

I wasn't supposed to translate that last part.

He says, uh, "don't worry, everything will be fine!"

"Stick to the plan!"

Okay, are we adding get killed

to the end of the plan?

Blarg! Go!

What happened?

To what?

The big monster!

It's dead, look!

That thing?

You gotta be kidding me!

You guys were here already?

Yes, uh, before now.

That's what already means, Caboose.

Oh, then just yes.

Blarg, blarg.

Then you already killed the monster?

Dude, that's a cow skull.

I kill about ten of those things every time I eat lunch.

How's it going, Sarge?

Well, Simmons has had Grif prisoner in there

for far too long.

He's probably subjecting him

to all manner of unbearable torture!

I figure in just a manner of hours,

Grif's spirit will be as broken as his body.

Unable to cope with the never-ending stimulation

of pain and horror!

But in answer to your question, things are fine!

Could be a little warmer, but I can't complain.

But, Sarge!

Aren't you afraid he'll give away valuable information?

Why would Simmons give Grif information?

No, I mean what if Grif tells Simmons

valuable information about our operations?

Yeah, that sounded smarter before I said it.

I bet.

Speaking of operations though,

remember how I told you I wanted to incorporate

more positive reinforcement techniques in review sessions?

Donut, for the last time!

Me calling you a worthless turd is not a review session.

And remember how you said,

any proposals had to be submitted in handwritten triplicate

with no less than 100 pages?

Yes, which would take weeks!

You're finished, aren't you?

Only if calligraphy's okay!

And I dotted all the Is with hearts!

Hee hee hee!

Hee hee!

Let me just give you a little teaser on some of the changes.

Think mauve!

Aw, Donut!

What? You don't like it?

Mauve is a form of red!

Oh, it's not that.

I just realized that my only way out of this situation

is to launch a rescue mission to save Grif.

I've got me one of them, uh, Donut,

what's a fancy word for choosing between two things

you don't wanna do?

Uh, conundrum?

Dilemma?

A threesome with cheerleaders?

I'm gonna go with conundrum.

If you don't like the plants idea,

how do you feel about a fountain in the armory?

That place is so gloomy!

Come on, Donut, give it a rest already!

I agreed to let you use Grif's helmet

as a decorative birdbath, didn't I?

Don't oversell.

Okay.

But I have just one more idea!

I'm gonna say two words, and then walk away.

Chantilly lace...

Unless You're gonna start singing

a big bopper song,

I think the best part of that idea is the walking away.

Let it simmer.

Hmm, no sign of any defenses.

I think we might be catching Simmons at a weak moment!

Hm, no sign of the tank either.

Dear God, the madness is spreading!

It's only a matter of time before it takes me!

Wee!

Did you hear that?

It sounds like they're having fun in there!

Clearly Grif has become so stupid

he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness!

Simmons must be doing absolutely diabolical things to him!

Let's give him a few more hours,

see if he escapes on his own.

Simmons, I'm having a blast

going in and out of your hole!

Grif, just stay down there like you're told.

Well, that's my cue; lets go!

Grif, stop it, I need your help.

Go ahead, I'm listening.

Well, just stop riding that stupid grav lift.

I can do both at once.

Why don't we have one of these things?

The tank's been making upgrades to the base

over the last few hundred years.

How did it do that without any tools?

Or arms?

I don't know,

A lot of what she says doesn't match up.

I think she might be lying to me.

You think the enemy's weapons are lying to us?

What a surprise!

It seems like a setup,

I just can't figure out how.

(blow thuds) Ow!

I dunno, if I can piece it together

maybe that'll fix things with, Sarge!

Hello, Simmons.

Where's Grif?

This here's a rescue operation.

He's unconscious down below being prepped for evac.

If it's a rescue operation,

why did you knock him out?

Well, all work and no play, you know. (laughs)

That's dumb.

I think you know the proper procedure

for submitting complaints, Simmons.

I'll get my calligraphy pens.

Don't bother.

I think you also know how we treat traitors on red team!

I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun

to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion.

I don't think so.

Simmons, just remember,

this hurts me more than it hurts you!

I seriously doubt that, sir.

Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you.

I don't buy that either.

Well, I am the one

who has to clean the shotgun later,

and those solvents smells so-

Booyah! Jesus Bobo!

Oh, the back of your head!

Well that was close.

And I always wanted to say "booyah" too, that was awesome.

Booyah!

Where the hell'd you come from?

Huh, oh, you must be one of the new blues

that took over our base after we left.

Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past.

Why would I be afraid of someone from the past?

People from the future are scary,

people from the past are savages and idiots.

(groans) What the?

Who hit me?

Hurry, quick, before he wakes up!

Help me get this guy in the hole!

We have a hole?

That's kick ass!

All right, this is the Great Swamp.

We can rest here a while before we move on.

Yeah, lets rest in a swamp, that makes sense.

Save your energy Tucker, you're gonna need it.

Aw, screw that!

So far the quest is a fucking breeze!

I've already killed a dead monster, what's next?

We're gonna open an unlocked door?

Rescue a princess from herself?

Hey, Caboose, what's wrong?

(mysterious music)

I think some thing is following us.

Yeah, it's been on us since we left.

Part of the prophecy talks about something evil

that tries to take the Great Weapon.

You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon?

It can have it.

It's attracted to it, it can't live without it.

That doesn't sound good.

Hey, Caboose, come here and hold my sword!

It's okay, we got a plan.

We can make camp and then we'll tell you about it.

I love camping!

(guitar riff)

(Tucker snoring)

Chicks...

Twins...

Huh?

Hey, guys?

Andy?

Caboose?

Alien thing?

Guys?

Anybody?

Now, Caboose!

Blarg! We got it!

Is it safe to come out yet?

Caboose, you were supposed to help!

I was helping watch.

What if something had happened?

I'm sure I would've seen it.

Hey, what the hell, where did you guys go?

We laid a trap!

A trap?

You left me all alone!

Heh heh heh, you can't have a trap without bait!

I was the bait?

I thought you did a very good job.

Get off of me, you stinky idiot!

Tex?

This is some greeting!

I come to help you guys and you ambush me!

You weren't coming to help!

You were coming to steal the sword!

No, I wasn't.

I was coming to steal your reward.

There is no reward!

The reward is the sword.

Oh, then yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword.

Honk blarg.

Oh yeah yeah, and also the salvation

and emancipation for his species for all eternity.

Tell you what, I'll go 50/50

You keep the emancipation and I'll keep the sword.

Deal.

What do I get?

You get to live, but no guarantees.

That's not a reward for me.

That's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe!

I'm a woman and somehow I don't feel any luckier.

I said fine ladies.

What do you want, Caboose?

I want a pony.

Damn, Sarge is frickin' heavy.

Hey, blue guy, where'd you go, I need some help!

Listen Donut, Church thinks I'm a blue guy.

So whatever you do, just pretend like you don't know me.

I don't know you.

Yeah, just like that, good job.

No, I'm serious.

I have no idea who you are.

Okay, stop practicing, here he comes.

So does that mean

you're not gonna tell me who you are?

Okay, that's a little too far.

No one's gonna buy that.

You know, I could've used some help, new guy.

Thanks.

I was just securing this prisoner.

Which is interesting,

considering that I've never met him before.

Why is that interesting?

I don't know.

Is something wrong with your voice?

Well, I was just disguising it

so the prisoner wouldn't think he knew me.

What?

But he doesn't, do you prisoner?

Um, no?

Right.

Good job Donut.

Wait, is this some really weird form of torture?

Okay, well, help me load these guys in the Jeep

before they wake up.

Okay.

Donut, grab the ankles.

Okie dokie, how's this?

Sarge's ankles, Donut!

Step it up guys, we're almost there.

I'm telling you,

the alien has been really creeping me out lately.

Every time I wake up, he's hovering over me.

It's really weird.

I'm sure he's just safeguarding his sword.

I mean, my sword.

Maybe he just wants to steal your breath.

Maybe he's trying to figure out

what I taste like.

Hurry up, you idiots!

Man, did it get a lot colder all of the sudden?

Of course it did!

They don't call it the great freezing plains for nothing!

Whoa.

I'm just glad I brought my mittens.

The snow's the least of our problems.

Why?

I assume we have to get into

that big temple, base thing?

Yeah?

Well, it's got about two dozen guards on it's walls.

Oh no! Yep.

Doesn't look good.

No, no, no, I mean, I lost some of my mittens.

Um, we have to go back.

Caboose, we've been walking for days!

We're not going back for anything.

Suggestions, Andy?

I say we let Tucker storm in

and take 'em out in a mad rush!

And while he's got them distracted, we finish the quest!

On second thought,

personal warmth is very important.

Let's go get that mitten!

It'll be like a mini quest

I think surprise is the key.

What you thinking?

Let me take them out, one by one.

They will never know what hit them.

You think you can kill 'em all

without alerting the rest?

Just watch me.

How can I watch when you just turned invisible?

And yet, I was still able to check out her ass.

That's why I'm a pro.

Okay, Donut, wait til we're gone

and then you can wake them up.

Well, what do I tell them?

I don't care.

Tell 'em you busted in and rescued 'em,

get yourself a medal.

You deserve it

I always did want to be a hero.

And a liar!

Well, then it's your lucky day.

Don't you want anything?

Like what?

Well, every time someone surrenders

they take something.

Like when we took the medic

and you guys took Grif's dignity.

Yeah, like that ever existed.

Um, I mean, which one is Grif?

Is he the yellow one?

And this time you guys don't want anything?

Well, technically you're not surrendering.

This is what we call in the military, a total ass kicking.

Oh, and also, we're taking your car.

What?

You're leaving us out here without any transportation?

We'll die!

Die of what?

Exposure!

We're stranded!

This is murder!

Your base is right there, I can see it!

You may as well

just feed us to the buzzards right now!

You could've walked back to the base

in the time we've been discussing this!

Go, just sign our death warrants!

(Sarge groaning)

What's going on?

Hey, take care of that guy.

Sorry about this Sarge, but look at it this way.

You were right, this does hurt you more than me.

Is that you Simmons?

(punch thuds) Oh, knocked out again!

Hey Reds!

We're guarding the shit out of this wall, you suck!

Your wall's easy to guard, try ours!

You don't even have a roof up there, you suck!

What are you guarding it from, birds?

You suck! You suck!

You suck! No, you do!

We suck!

No, you suck, okay, never mind, you suck!

Aw, those guys?

How did they get here?

Shoosh.

Tex told us to be quiet.

Caboose, we're 300 yards away.

I don't think they heard us.

I think I heard something.

I'm sure that was just a coincidence.

(calm guitar music)

All right, after she takes those out one by one,

we'll probably stand a chance.

(punch thuds)

Ow, what the fuck, that hurt!

Ow!

Or maybe not

Ow, ow!

Jesus, ow!

Stop it!

Uh oh.

What the fuck?

So, did you watch the game last night?

Yeah, go Red!

Fuck that, Red sucks.

Now you're shooting me!

Give me a break, this sucks!

What the fuck did I ever do to you?

Come on!

What the fuck, are they deaf?

(gun bangs)

Oh right, that you heard?

("Noobs Rush In") (gun banging)

(explosion booms)

(explosion booms)

Huh? What?

Hiya fellas.

Who's next?

Charge!

(guns banging)

(explosion booms) That went well.

So much for a sneak attack

And that's how I rescued you both

and saved the day.

The End.

Any questions?

Donut, that was the longest story I've ever heard.

And I don't think I believed a word of it.

And quite frankly,

I found the showtune in the middle

to be a little over the top.

Every word is absolutely true.

It was the best military operation

that you two ever slept through.

If everything went so well, then where's our jeep?

Well, I have a song I'd like to sing about that.

Forget it.

Okay, that red one?

That's Sarge, he's their leader.

Which is lucky for us because,

well, he's not that good of a leader.

Okay.

And the one next to him is Donut.

I like Donut, he's pretty harmless, man,

I don't think he'd hurt a fly.

Yeah, plus he's a little...

A little what?

You know.

No, I, no, I don't know

You know, he's kind of into girly stuff,

like feelings and, oh, you know.

Uh, I think you might be projecting there.

I'm not projecting,

I'm just stating an observation

I don't know, man..

You seem pretty defensive for somebody who's not projecting.

His armor is pink!

Pink?

I wouldn't say pink.

Maybe, you know, slightly less red, but-

It's pink, trust me.

I know pink when I see it

Uh, yeah, I bet.

You want to talk about it?

No!

And last is the orange one, that's Grif.

He's really lazy and really annoying.

Yeah.

But, at least he's smart.

In fact, I think he might be the smartest one of the bunch.

You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

No, I mean all of them put together, man,

There's this other guy who hangs around in maroon armor?

I haven't seen him in a while,

but he's a freaking know-it-all, man!

He acts like he's smart but he's really not.

What?

Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place.

You know, but nobody listens to him

and they always make fun of him behind his back.

What do they say?

Oh, just how he's not good at stuff

and how he's dumb and how the stuff he likes is dumb

and also that, you know,

he's not as attractive as other people are.

Yeah, he sounds like a real jerk.

Hey, where are you going?

I have to use the bathroom!

Well, hurry up, man!

I wanna finish your orientation

before you have to make me dinner.

You do know that's Simmons, right?

Oh, yeah.

(guns banging)

Tucker, use the key and open the gate!

Key, what key?

I don't have a key?

Your sword!

Use the sword!

Oh God, the sword is a key?

Just when I thought this couldn't get any lamer!

What is that thing?

(Honk-Honk shouting)

The ship!

What ship?

No one told me about a ship! Hey!

Come back here, you stink nugget!

Blarg blarg!

Hey, what's that thing?

Where's he going?

I don't know!

He just kept saying, there it is, there it is!

I thought you said there was no reward

at the end of the quest!

I didn't know!

If you're pissed about that,

wait till you find out that this sword is really a key!

A what?

Andy...

Hey, don't blame me, I'm just the translator!

Um, I think the alien is coming back.

Bad alien!

Go away!

Uh Oh! Get down!

What?

(lasers blasting)

Oh, he wasn't coming to kill us,

he was saving us.

That's a good alien.

Well, a deal's a deal.

He owes me that ship.

Andy, tell him to bring that thing down here and-

(explosion booms)

You still want me to tell him?

'Cause I think it's down already!

Tex! Wyoming!

Connecticut!

They're not playing a game, Caboose!

Well, if they were,

I would have totally won!

Well, it appears I've spoiled your little game!

So sorry, chums!

That was my ship!

Oh dear!

Then I stand corrected, I'm not sorry!

You're gonna pay for that!

All out of change at the moment!

Catch you next time!

Cheerio!

Get back here!

Huh, that didn't go quite the way I expected.

You think we should wait for her to come back

or finish the quest on our own?

Or just go home?

(trumpet blaring)

Charge!

Yeah, let's go home!

You okay there, Blue guy?

I'm fine (sniffs),

I told you it's just allergies.

Oh yeah?

You know I never heard someone say boo hoo hoo

when they sneeze.

(sniffs) I'm fine!

Good, well then now I can give you your orders.

Um, first of all, that jeep out there is really dirty

and I think that-

Why are you giving me orders?

Uh, because that's the way the blue team works.

Technically, you're the new guy.

I should be telling you what to do.

Uh, I don't think so man,

see back in the day the way this worked

was Command would call me and give me the orders

and then I would pass them along to everybody else.

Okay, it works like this, I would get on my radio like this.

I'd say, uh, uh, come in, Blue Command, come in!

This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read me?

And then, normally this really annoying guy

would come back and he would say,

Hello, hello, come in, hello.

Wow, those are pretty good impressions,

do you do Arnold Schwarzenegger?

I'll be back!

That wasn't me.

Uh, hello?

Hello, come in Blood Gulch, can you hear me?

Hello, try the veal, hello.

What, Vic?

Is that you?

It's been 800 years, how have you survived so long?

Oh, no way dude, Vic's dead.

This is Vic's great great great

great great great great great-

Hasta la vista, baby!

Shut up dude, I'm on the phone!

Great great great great grand son!

Vic Junior.

And you work, and you work with Blue Command?

Oh right dude, good one dude, Blue Command, wink!

What do you mean, wait, what does that mean?

What does that mean?

Does the, is the war over?

Did we win?

Dude, I got a lot to catch you up on.

You wanted to see me, Sarge?

Yes, Grif.

I think it's time we buried the hatchet

and started working more closely together.

Say what?

Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse or something?

As you know, I've never liked you.

Not even a little bit.

Really?

You've always been lazy, insubordinate,

and I suspect that underneath that helmet,

you're probably extremely ugly to boot.

No argument here.

Over the years,

I've been so disappointed in your work,

I've slowly stopped giving you things to do.

Most days, I forget you even exist.

Yeah, it's been a good run.

But I think we all need to realize that Simmons

is not coming back

Red team is just going to have to make do

with the few worthless soldiers we have left.

Wait, didn't this start out as a pep talk?

We may never know why Simmons left.

Yeah, maybe he was overwhelmed

by all the positive reinforcement you give out.

But the fact of the matter is, we're at war!

So, if we're gonna win this thing we need to work together.

We need to put aside our disgusting laziness

and our constant attempts to kill each other in our sleep.

I've never tried to kill you in your sleep.

Damn it, Grif, this is a compromise.

I realize I'm gonna have to give up some things as well.

(guitar riff)

Halt, who goes there!

Donut, it's me.

Oh, right, you.

What do you want?

I want to talk to Sarge.

I just found out some info.

Wait, why am I answering your questions?

I said hold it.

What's your problem, Donut?

Sarge told me not to let anyone in the base,

and I'm pretty sure anyone includes the enemy.

I'm not the enemy.

Oh, please, you're dressed in blue!

FYI, there's kind of a theme around here.

You're Blue, I'm Red.

More like pink.

I have a gun.

Okay, okay,

I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

You helped the Blues!

And fooled them!

You knocked Sarge out!

Twice!

Once again, Donut, to fool the Blues.

And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures,

but look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me.

Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Oh, sure!

Everyone knows who you are, but me.

No, the Blues don't know either.

Hey, Sheila, where'd that Simmons guy go,

that was spying on us.

I don't know.

Why don't you go ask your new jeep?

What's all this racket?

There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Where?

Right there.

Where, behind Simmons?

He means me, sir.

Oh, Simmons!

Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Donut, I did tell you it was me!

Well, you didn't say it was you.

You just kept saying. I'm me.

I am me!

But you didn't say you were you.

If you had said you were you instead of I'm me,

I would have known that you were you.

You just keep saying you were me.

That's because I'm me.

And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club.

Same time next week, everybody.

Well, now that we have that straightened out,

I have some important information.

I don't want to hear it, Blue.

What?

This is valuable information about the war..

There's no such thing

as valuable information from a traitor.

But, sir, I only did that

because no one would believe me about the tank.

Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father

that he displaces on you.

No, Donut,

that's why I punched Sarge in the face.

I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need

to please other people.

All right, enough.

The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings

is getting court martialed!

Simmons likes to go in the bathroom

and cry while he punches the mirror.

Well, I'll go pack my bags!

Nice working with you guys.

Good luck with the Blues!

It's been real.

(guitar riff)

Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes.

What's up, guys? Meh

Hey, where's Tex? Gone.

Where's the alien? Dead.

Well, how'd the quest go? Failed.

Yeah, you know, I probably didn't even need

to ask that last question, did I?

Eh, I wouldn't say failed.

But these guys definitely screwed it up royal.

What, we didn't do anything!

Exactly!

You let Tex do all the work and got the alien killed

Yeah, but doing nothing is what we do,

so technically we didn't screw anything up.

It's true.

I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing.

It's the same ribbon as last place, it's purple.

Was Tex okay?

She's fine.

None of us were that lucky.

She chased after Wyoming.

Tex? Yeah.

Wyoming? Yes.

Massachusetts.

Seriously, stop it.

Tucker, why didn't you tell me this?

Tell you when?

We just got here!

Yeah, but you've been wasting my time

gabbing about your stupid failed quest..

Eh, I really wouldn't say failed-

This conversation's stupid, I'm hungry.

Where's the food?

Listen, any time you have new information for me,

just tell it to me as quickly as possible, okay?

Well, here's one short, blanket statement

that covers all future situations, we suck.

I said new information!

Don't we have anything to eat in this place?

(Tucker groaning)

Man, he sounds terrible.

Yeah, he's been like that since the swamp.

Swamp, you guys were at a swamp?

Yeah, it was dark and swampy.

I wasn't scared at all.

Is this why you guys came home so fast?

No, we came home because the alien died

and because the glowing sword

turned out to be a glowing key.

Yeah, a glowing key that can still stab people.

Right.

So it is a sword!

It just happens to function like a key

in very specific situations.

Or it's just a key all the time,

and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

Goddamn man,

I would love to live in your world for about 10 minutes.

Yeah, I have a really good time.

Yeah, it seems like it.

You know, I don't think I'd get anything done,

but I probably wouldn't care that much.

(Tucker groaning)

Hey Tucker, you okay?

Why don't you guys come in here?

Uh, because it might be contagious

and we've got to think about

the health of the unit as a whole.

I came up with that pretty fast.

And because you threw up 10 minutes ago!

And that's just gross!

Hey wait a minute, you don't think that sword.

You mean the key?

No, I mean the sword.

You don't suppose that sword is making him sick, do you?

I don't see how, it hasn't sneezed once.

We don't know anything about it though.

Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Or maybe it runs on solar power!

Why would solar power make him sick?

Is he a Republican?

Okay, listen, guys,

do you want important information about the war

or don't you?

I don't know man,

this is a pretty exclusive club we got here.

If we let one blue guy in,

we might have to let the next one in, and the next one.

And then there goes the neighborhood.

Yeah, pretty soon we'll have to let in women.

And who wants them!

Yeah, then we'd be talking

about interior decorating and reality TV shows all day.

No thanks.

Grif, you kinda ruined my point

when you just mentioned the good stuff!

I'm sure the Blues

are using the information right now

to plot an attack against us!

(Tucker retching)

That better have been in your bucket!

I'll get the mop.

Well you can forget it.

You heard Sarge,

there's no way we're letting you in the base

dressed like that!

Seriously, the blue and red thing is so last year.

Well how about this?

How did you change so fast?

I've always been a fast changer.

I'm very shy.

Is that why you wear your underwear

in the shower too?

I also never use the bathroom at the base!

Only at home.

Dude, we've been stationed here

for like three years!

Yeah, it's gonna be a very eventful homecoming.

Andy, what the hell happened to Tucker

on this little adventure that you guys took?

How should I know?

He ate all my food and just threw it up.

Could've just thrown it on the floor

and cut out the middleman.

Yeah, plus now he's moody as hell.

I went to ask him if he's feeling better

and he practically bit my goddamn head off.

I bet he just would've

thrown up your head later.

And then you could just put it right back on and be fine.

He was fine on the trip.

Maybe he's just allergic to you.

I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

Did you guys come in contact

with anything weird like any strange plants or animals?

Or like super flu viruses or porn stars?

Oh yeah, there's one thing I forgot to mention,

we made it to a secret biological warfare lab

run by porn stars!

Tucker licked all the Petri dishes

even though we told him not to.

Then he got thirsty,

so he drank everything in the test tubes!

You think that had anything to do with it?

I'm pretty sure that didn't actually happen,

I would've remembered that part.

Aw come on, you're surprised he's sick?

I've never seen the guy wash his hands, not once!

One time I saw him pick his nose at a pay phone!

I'm just worried, man,

who knows if this stuff is contagious?

For all we know Caboose could be next!

Wake up tomorrow morning, he's throwing up,

running a huge fever,

next thing you know he's bleeding out of his eyes

'cause his internal organs are liquefying.

And I'm gonna be the one that has to hold his hand

while he screams himself to death.

That's not gonna be any fun.

I'm gonna go take a vitamin.

Oh, don't bother, it's too late for you anyway.

We need to start thinking about me!

Tell you what, send me in, and I'll run cleanup.

Don't worry about it, I'll take care of everything.

Andy, I am not letting you blow up the base.

Come on!

Just a little explosion!

Five, 10 megatons tops!

All your scary germs will be gone.

Nothing left but the cockroaches.

Germ-free cockroaches!

But then Tucker will be dead too.

See, It's the perfect plan.

No, but that does give me a good idea.

Technically, you can't get sick.

So why don't we send you in there to take care of Tucker?

You can figure out what's wrong and report back to us.

I ain't no nurse.

I go in there, all you gonna get is an explosion.

You want a medical diagnosis, go see a doctor.

What did you just say?

I said you don't need me, you need a doctor.

Please don't do it.

(phone ringing)

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

You fool, can't you see I'm busy with an evil plot!

What do I pay you for?

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Oh shut up, you fool, you don't even have a body.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Why all this bickering?

Can't we all just get along?

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

I find you far too sarcastic for just a head.

Sarge! Finally!

I need to tell you what the blues are planning.

I thought I told you idiots

not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!

Good to see you too, sir.

We didn't let him in the base.

He's standing right here.

Well obviously he penetrated the defensive protocol

that me and Private Donut established.

Defense protocol?

You asked me what the password was.

And you knew it! I guessed it.

By the way, the password was password.

It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess.

Diabolical.

A password should contain

at least one number and one letter.

For example, your password would be 2dumb2live.

Excellent burn! Thank you, sir.

Traitor. Dammit.

Grif's stupidity aside, I'm not speaking with you

until we punish your insubordination and treason.

How about I just trade you the information

that I learned from the blues?

No, we have to have a trial!

Right here, right now.

What, We don't even have a judge.

Inaffirmative.

In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.

What level, municipal, federal?

Livestock, and occasionally agriculture.

Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason

or best in breed.

I don't recognize the authority of this court.

No one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?

Nonsense!

Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people?

That would be a waste of resources.

But I'm not guilty

until you hold trial and convict me.

So you admit it's a forgone conclusion!

No, wait!

I mean no?

Yes, no, that was right, I think.

Okay.

This is officially more boring

than any of the other times I've been to court.

Permission to sigh and walk away, sir?

Permission denied.

If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa, wait a second.

I prefer to defend myself.

I knew you'd say that.

And as the old saying goes,

a person who chooses to defend himself

has a fool for a lawyer.

And that fool is Grif.

Who's the prosecution?

Why, I am, of course!

You're the judge and the prosecutor?

That's a conflict of interest!

I object to that as speculative.

And I also sustain my own objection.

Uh, we'd like to enter a plea.

What?

Look, it's only a matter of time

before Donut finds out we're having this trial.

I'm listening.

Well, if you're the judge and the DA,

and I'm the defense,

you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff.

And that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform

with the short shorts!

Ugh, Officer Hot Pants.

Exactly.

And I think we can all remember

that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

Oh my god, that cake is huge!

It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Why does the cake smell like baby oil?

Oh God, where's Donut?

Hmm, okay, we'll commute Simmons's sentence

in favor of time served.

With time off for good behavior.

No one wants a messy trial.

I also think he should pay a hefty fine,

which we can split.

Agreed.

But I didn't do anything!

You just keep your mouth shut.

And don't talk to the press.

Hey, what's going on in there?

[Sarge, Grif, and Simmons] Nothing!

(O'Malley laughs)

Don't give away our position with maniacal laughing.

We don't know what to expect from these fools.

This could all be an elaborate trap!

And we don't want to be caught off guard.

You mean, get caught in a trap

before we have a chance to spring our trap.

At least we have a lookout.

Lopez, What d'you see up there?

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

I haven't been here in some time.

Which one is the blue base?

It's the blue one.

They're really thinking outside the box with the design.

Hmm, it's quiet too quiet.

(gun bangs)

Now suddenly, it's too loud.

I preferred it when it was quiet.

All right, hold it, right there!

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Thank you for keeping us informed, you moron.

(gun bangs)

Yeah, that was just a warning shot, O'Malley.

You make any funny moves,

the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your visor.

You think you could make that shot from here?

Uh, probably not.

I was actually trying to hit him that time.

I swear to God,

I think somebody fucks with the sights on this thing

when I'm not looking.

This was just some elaborate scheme

to lure us into an ambush!

First of all,

I don't know if calling you on the phone

and inviting you over,

I don't think that qualifies as an elaborate scheme.

And secondly, we're not ambushing you.

We just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit.

It's true!

We have the system back at the evil lair

where we each clean on different days,

but I always end up doing it!

And he always leaves the milk out.

And don't even get me started on the phone bill.

Hey, Doc.

I see you're still swimming around

in that head somewhere too.

Well, it's not the ideal situation,

but any relationship requires work if you can-

This isn't a relationship!

I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans.

When we're done,

I'm going to throw your rotten carcass into a swamp

and let the beasts feed on your injuries. (laughs)

I love you too, buddy.

Well don't get any bright ideas

about jumping into anyone else today, O'Malley.

We've all got our radios off,

and we've all got our minds cleared.

We're not thinking about anything.

For some of us, that was easier than others.

I just finished thinking about something

and didn't start thinking about anything else.

So here's how this is gonna work.

You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Tucker,

you're gonna tell us what's wrong,

and then you're gonna leave.

What do you want?

And I should warn you, Tex is not here.

So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother.

Well a standard physical

usually requires a $20 copay.

Hey, ask 'em what kinda health insurance plan they have.

We want something from you,

but we're not going to tell you what it is until we need it!

(O'Malley laughs)

No way!

I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is.

(O'Malley laughs)

You will, or your little friend Tucker will die,

die a most horrible death,

and you know his blood will be on your hands.

Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering

if there was anything you could have done to save him,

so you will agree to what I want.

You will agree even though what I want

is something mysterious,

what I want is something frightening,

what I want is something pure evil! (cackles)

I've also been told this $20 copay is pretty much standard.

All right, fine.

And we want the $20 up front!

Fine!

Ugh, whatever!

If you'd used a credit card,

you could have gotten airline miles!

Or at least the 30 day grace period with no interest.

You fiscally irresponsible fools.

Caboose, gimme $20.

Wait, give me $30.

Come on, double time, men.

That goes double for you Grif.

Why are we always double timing, anyway?

Can't we ever half time?

Or how about no time?

No, numbnuts.

According to Simmons,

the blues have already reestablished contact

with their command!

What, that's why we're running?

Of course!

By now, they could be receiving reinforcements!

Or taking advantage of some new,

technological weapons development!

Or maybe their command

has been giving them the same, generic orders

ours always gives us, like, try to win,

and, do better than you're currently doing.

I swear, sometimes I think they don't even know our names.

That's just what I wanted you to hear.

The conversations I had with command

have always provided vital intelligence!

Like what?

Like the location of the blue base!

Right there.

And the number of soldiers they have.

Three.

Also, the location of the base!

Uh, you already said that one.

I meant our base.

Weren't we the ones

that provided them the intel in the first place?

Initially, yes,

but command processes the raw data

and gives us back the key details.

You may recall they sent us plans

for the next phase of the war.

They were stored in Lopez before he was kidnapped.

You mean before he ran away.

No, I mean, shut up, Grif!

But how do we even know he still has the plans?

Last time we saw him, all that was left was a head.

Maybe he stored the files in his legs, or his chest.

You idiot, who stores memories in their chest?

Don't you know anything about biology?

The chest is strictly reserved for digestion.

Maybe they'll send us more reinforcements

like last time.

Donut's arrival was a real turning point in the offensive.

Where is Donut?

There he is!

Looks like he's talking to something.

Looks like a rock.

Grif! What?

I need information on that rock, ASAP.

Approach the target via flanking maneuver

and establish defilade to that ledge.

Point Alpha!

Or I could just look through

the scope of the sniper rifle

since that's worked the last 800 times.

Yeah, all right, fine, take all the fun out of it.

I like my way better, it was more dangerous for you.

Sarge, I have great news.

Looks like you're gonna get your plans after all.

And I'm not going to have to do anymore running,

so everybody wins.

What about me, I didn't win anything.

Oh, don't worry about it,

I'm sure there will be somebody's ass you can kiss.

Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy.

Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker.

And he's also our worst enemy.

You know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.

to your bowling ball.

Hello, bowling ball.

Actually, I'm a bomb.

Why is that the first thing everybody says to me?

Hm, I could use a fellow like you in my organization.

Yeah, I should probably point out

that Andy was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

Well this is certainly awkward.

Kaboom!

(Andy laughing)

I was just kidding, I didn't really explode.

Lopez?

Donut, where did you find him?

Right here.

How were you two talking?

Lopez, you speak English now?

No.

Well if he doesn't

then why did he just say no in English?

Busted!

I took four years of high school Spanish.

That's the best way to learn any language.

What have you two been talking about?

Oh, the usual Spanish fare.

I told him my name.

I asked him what his name was.

I asked if he knew where the bathroom was,

how much a ticket for the train cost,

and I asked him for the check.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Ask him where he's been.

No, ask him where he's going!

Wait, ask him if he has our secret plans.

And if he missed me.

(Donut speaking in foreign language)

Looks like he's not talkin', Sarge.

All right, he wants to play tough, huh?

I built in an override code for just this event.

Lopez, give me root access, priority Delta One.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

The access code is, access code.

Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me.

Ah, bitch about it later.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Lopez, replay the intel message from command.

Okay.

See, okay?

I'm telling you, this guy's faking.

(Vic Jr. speaking in foreign language)

Oh, come on, the recording is in Spanish?

That doesn't even make any sense!

This guy sounds just like the guy

the Blues were talking to, Vic Jr.!

I bet his kids changed sides.

Eggs Benedict Arnold, those dirty traitors!

No offense Simmons.

None taken, sir.

Traitor. Goddammit.

Wait, how did Vic have kids?

I thought he had a vasectomy.

Well that's just what I heard!

(Vic Jr. speaking in foreign language)

We've got to figure out what he's saying!

Donut, can you translate or can't you?

Uh, I think he's saying

something about losing his passport.

Well, when I was in blue base,

Church mentioned that they built a translation device

out of an old bomb.

Egads!

No doubt to decipher their plans to destroy us!

If we don't translate the tactical plans Lopez is saying,

we're all doomed!

(Vic Jr. speaking in foreign language)

That information can save our very lives!

Why don't we sneak into blue base,

grab the translation device, and use it on our message.

I agree.

Let me get this straight,

we're going to steal a bomb from our enemies.

A bomb that can be remotely detonated, I might add.

And then we're going to bring it back to our base,

and all huddle around it.

What a great plan!

Well, sure, it sounds stupid

when you say it like that.

Come on, let's move.

Somebody grab Lopez's cabesa.

Of course!

That's not the cabesa, Donut.

Hey! And that's not Lopez!

Oh God, I think it's coming back up. (wretches)

Okay, everybody,

I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now.

Would either of you like to assist?

hold the vomit bucket. (laughs)

Uh, sorry, I'm busy.

Caboose? I can't.

Well, why not?

Oh, because, uh, I am allergic

to things that I don't want to do.

(coughs) Coughing.

Okay, just more fun for me!

Well, you won't believe this.

It looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley.

Those dirty backstabbers!

Our enemies teamed up with our enemy.

How is that a backstab?

Exactly!

No-good two-timers!

All right men, Let's get in there

and acquire that exploding translator thing

so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

I agree, Lopez. Time is of the essence.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Heh heh heh, good one, amigo!

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

I see the bomb.

He's right next to Caboose.

Which one is Caboose, again?

I get confused.

Is he the stupid mean one, the stupid annoying one,

or the stupid stupid one?

Stupid stupid.

Oh yeah, right.

What an idiot!

Yeah, totally!

Sarge? I hate to point out the obvious,

but since we can see them with the sniper rifle,

why don't we just shoot 'em?

Shame on you, Donut!

A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon.

When you kill your enemy, you wanna look in his eyes

so he knows you're the one who beat him to death!

It also gives you a chance

to deliver some really zippy one-liners.

Like, I hope you brought your wallet

because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!

(sighs) Oh my God.

Or my personal favorite, you just got Sarged!

(chuckles) Classic.

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Yep, hand-to-hand combat is the old school way

to kill your foes.

It hearkens back to the honored traditions

when combatants respected one another.

Killing a man with your bare hands says,

we're all equals as men.

Except I'm slightly more equal

'cause I'm still alive and you're dead.

Of course, dropping a nuke on them from 50,000 feet

is also totally acceptable.

I mean, let's face it.

There's just not enough time in this busy world

to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.

See?

That right there is why society is going downhill.

Everyone's in such a hurry these days-

Yeah yeah yeah, we get the point, wasting time.

Okay what was the plan, Sarge?

You fellas stay here.

I'm gonna head up there with Lopez and get that device.

Get it, Lopez, Head up there.

Score two for Sarge, ding ding!

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Hey guys, I've figured out what's wrong.

What is it, Doc?

You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

because I think it's absolutely delightful! (cackles)

Just tell us, Doc, we can take it.

Your friend is- Dying? Oh no!

No, he's not dying, he just has-

No chance to live, I knew it!

Caboose. One more interruption out of you,

and he's gonna have two patients.

(sighs) How do I say this?

Your friend is...

Why are you pausing?

Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

No, that was just for dramatic effect.

He's pregnant.

Oh, god!

Wait, what?

All right, are we paying for this service?

Because if we are, I want a refund.

And if we're not, I want a refund anyway.

No, it's true, we found two heartbeats!

So, unless he has two hearts,

the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant.

I think.

How is that a logical explanation?

All right, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

(laughs) Don't look at me!

Tucker's not my type!

Yeah, me neither.

And, uh, maybe we should have the doctor explain,

uh, just how babies are made, you know?

Uh, in case someone in the group, uh,

may not exactly know how that happens.

Oh my God, Caboose, shut up!

Andy, blow up.

Doc, you're fired, get out of here!

I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

You didn't say we had to be right!

Or that we had to fix him, you fool! (laughs)

Read the fine print, classic blunder!

First of all, I am right.

And we are going to help him.

[Church and O'Malley] What?

Look, no one's ever seen anything like this before!

I don't know anything about what caused this

or how to help him,

but with heart and true determination,

we can get him through this!

Yeah, we don't want heart and determination, Doc.

What we want is a a degree

from an accredited medical institution.

Yeah, or four years equivalent work experience!

(sighs) Come see for yourself.

Fine.

Uh, I think I need to stay here

and guard this rock, from Tucker.

Because I'm pretty sure that how all this started.

All right. What's wrong?

You seem nervous.

What if Tucker is contagious?

I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Hey, no one is pregnant!

And seriously, Caboose?

When I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man.

There's a book I've got that we can read together.

I'd like that.

fill you in on some of the basics.

Let me get you started, there's three holes! (laughs)

Oh, gross. I meant in the bowling ball!

Hey, Caboose, Level with me, pal.

I don't really look like a bowling ball, do I?

No, Andy, you're not nearly that fat.

'Cause I've been working out, you know?

Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-

Yoink! What?

Andy?

Andy, what happened to you?

(Lopez speaking in foreign language)

Andy!

You turned into a real boy!

See, boys, now that's how you run a successful op!

In and out like well-lubricated lightning!

Where's Lopez?

(chuckles) I pulled the ol' switcheroo!

Lopez was the same size and shape as this feller,

so I just swapped 'em out.

Just like Indiana Jones woulda done.

Heh, they'll never even know he was missing!

Thank God he's a little lighter

than the last time we saw him.

Finally somebody noticed!

You know how hard it is to maintain this figure?

You swapped Lopez for the bomb.

Permission to speak insultingly, sir?

Permission denied!

You're just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first!

(chuckles) Now, let's translate!

Where's Lopez?

Aw, hell!

I'll be right back.

Now you see, Andy, now we can go fishing

and you don't have to be the bait anymore

and we can hiking and we can go camping,

and you don't have to be the fire anymore

and we can riding together and we now can hold hands

and we can fly kites and we can play tag

and we can drink orange juice together!

Hey, Caboose!

You hear something behind you!

I do?

I wonder what's causing it.

Double yoink!

Andy?

Oh my god!

Andy!

You're dead!

How did this happen?

Ugh, I don't believe this.

It's true, your friend Tucker's pregnant.

See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.

I thought it lights up green

to indicate flesh wounds.

Yeah, also that.

And infectious diseases.

Yeah, it lights up green for just about everything.

It takes a while to figure out the difference.

Like this green, indicates a high level of anger

stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacies.

If that thing keeps talking bad about me

I'm gonna to fucking smash it.

And this green means impotency.

Oops, that green causes impotency.

My, bad Church.

Oh, that's okay, I wasn't using it anyway.

See, these tools can be confusing sometimes,

that's why doctors have to go to school for so long.

Not that I'm actually a doctor, mind you.

And that's never been more apparent

than with this diagnosis.

What diagnosis?

Congratulations Tucker, you're pregnant.

It's not mine,

I wasn't even in town that weekend.

Tucker don't listen to him, he's a lunatic, man,

he's got no idea what he's talking about.

You want me to go over the green light thing again?

Doctor, help!

My second best friend is dead!

Fix him.

Whoa, whoa, Caboose, what happened, who's dead?

Andy, Andy's dead.

Look!

Okay, that's disgusting.

Doctor Doc, please help him.

Uh, I don't know what I can really do to help him,

my first aid procedures

aren't very effective after decomposition.

Where did you get that?

First Tucker dies and now Andy!

Tucker isn't dead, he's pregnant.

It's not mine, we weren't even going steady!

Stop that.

Hey look man,

I've been saying that for a long time.

It's gonna take a while to get used to this.

You're not pregnant!

I was just standing outside the base

and someone told me to turn around

and when I did, Andy...

Woah wait, who told you to turn around?

I don't know, but they were very helpful.

And let me guess,

when you turned back around, Andy was gone.

Yes, he was gone.

(sighs) Everybody stay here, I'll be right back.

Wait, what do you want me to do

about the pregnant guy?

It's not mine!

He is not pregnant!

And what about Andy?

And that's not Andy!

Just look, stay here!

(Tucker groaning)

Would this be a bad time to mention

that my stomach just started hurting really bad?

Oh boy, Caboose, better go boil some water.

How could you think of soup at a time like this?

Here are your orders for winning the war,

eliminate the enemy.

Okay, also, try to do better than you are currently doing,

and please win, thank you.

That is totally, totally lame,

and not at all surprising.

Which is also totally, totally lame.

I don't know about that Grif,

I think there was actually

some valuable tactical information in there, right Sarge?

Simmons, have you lost your last marble?

That was pure nonsense!

Oh, that's what I meant.

Eliminate the enemy, what kind of plan is that?

I think Command has lost it.

Lost it?

When did they have it?

Uh, speaking of the enemy, here comes one now.

Hey, let's eliminate him.

Then will have one less thing in the to-do list.

I'm just so depressed.

I can't even threaten your life for being a total jackass.

Jackass, I'll kill ya.

Nah, I don't think eliminating him

is gonna be easy.

It looks like he's bringing his tank with him.

What are you talking about Donut?

The tank isn't coming out here.

Look, it's not even moving.

Yes it is, look!

Hey Sarge, cheer up,

I've known Command was stupid all along.

It could be hard at first but you'll get used to it.

Just leave me alone. (sobs)

Donut, I am looking,

and if it was getting closer, it would be getting bigger.

It is getting bigger, compared to that tree!

What tree?

There aren't any trees out here!

You want to call me an idiot, Sarge?

That always makes you feel better.

Oh shut up, moron!

Ah, feels better, right?

Yeah, I guess a little.

Nope, not moving.

Yes it is!

See look closer. Firing main cannon.

(explosion booms)

Okay, you're right, it's coming this way.

Run!

(Red team shouting )

Firing main cannon. (explosions booming)

Firing main cannon. (explosions booming)

Firing main cannon. Run!

Regroup, men!

Grif, start passing out additional ammo.

Uh.

Simmons, pass out the ammo you brought

because you knew Grif would forget.

Already on it, sir.

Return fire, men.

I'll call for reinforcements.

Come in Command, come in!

Hey dude, come in.

Hey, what's going on, that sounds like fun.

Vic, we need help.

Simmons, get busy negotiating a surrender.

Okay, how about we give them our base?

oh, good idea. We can live in the caves!

We can let them kill Grif!

Simmons, you're suppose to negotiate

their surrender, not ours!

Vic, are you still there?

Hey Blues!

Oh, I mean Blue!

We're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

What, Why would I-- (cannon booms)

Hey, hold on a second, Sheila.

Why would I surrender?

(Red team whispering)

Um, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit dude, I got a tank!

People with tanks are never outnumbered.

(Red team whispering)

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

What?

Well, if you'll recall,

first you surrendered and you guys gave us Doc.

And then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep.

Now, that means that- Sheila, shut him up.

(cannon booms) Son of a bitch!

Is that a no?

Okay guys, I don't mean to be rude,

but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant,

an idiot who thinks his pet just died and our worst enemy

is hanging out unsupervised in our base right now.

So I really, really, really,

don't have time for this horseshit right now.

Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

He's not pregnant, that's impossible!

(laughs) Yeah, unless the alien impregnated him.

'Cause that's what they do.

They infect the host with the parasitic embryo.

But you already knew that, right?

Right?

What? No!

Why didn't you tell us that could happen?

Uh, I mean uh, alien baby?

How could that have happened?

I am shocked as you are.

Come in, Church, come in.

Caboose, What did I tell you, man?

You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here!

Oh great, now I'm on the radio too.

Oh, that's why I'm calling to tell you,

the Reds already use their radio and O'Malley is gone.

Oh my god!

That's right Blue, we've called in the cavalry.

As we speak, the glorious Red Command

is sending a ship to aid us.

No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude.

It's time to end this thing once and for all!

(Tucker groaning)

Congratulations, it's a, thing.

Honk honk, blarg!

What was that?

Um, that's the other thing I called about.

Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

He is not pregnant!

Sheila, stay here.

If anybody moves, shoot 'em.

A baby!

Wait up, I want to see!

Donut, get back here!

Wait for the ship.

But Sarge, we don't know when the ship

is gonna get here!

It's coming all the way from Earth.

That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!

(Pelican thuds)

Ship's here.

Shotgun.

("No One" by Trocadero)

♪ Where is the one who will mourn me when I'm gone ♪

♪ Who will pour water on my bed of dirt ♪

♪ Who will breathe fire on my neck at night ♪

♪ I heard someone say there's a chance that I would meet her ♪

♪ I could be Persephone and she Demeter ♪

♪ To pull me from the underground that I call home ♪

♪ Her name is no one no one no one ♪

♪ She blinds me with her eyes 'cause she's the one, the one ♪

♪ She lives somewhere not here not here not here ♪

♪ My lovers are as smooth as a politician's tongue ♪

♪ The more I look for goodness the more that I find none ♪

♪ I heard someone say that she's honest and good ♪

♪ Heard someone say that she's honest and good ♪

♪ Her name is no one no one no one no one no one no one ♪

♪ Her name is no one no one no one ♪

♪ She blinds me with her eyes 'cause she's the one, the one ♪

♪ She lives somewhere not here not here ♪

♪ I measure out my days with sips of a Corona ♪

♪ I'm pretty sure she drives an old fucked up Corolla ♪

♪ To pull me from the underground that I call home ♪

♪ I've a funny feeling ♪

♪ There's no chance that I will meet her ♪

♪ So I'll measure out my nights to my metronome's meter ♪

♪ Her name is no one ♪