All language subtitles for Family Guy - S10E19 - Mr. & Mrs. Stewie (Uncensored)

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Come on, Stewie. Hurry up.
I want to get good seats.

Ugh!
I hate going to hear authors
read from their work.

That Dr. Seuss
reading was dreadful.

MAN: And when the drugs
stopped numbing the pain,

the sex became
even more violent.

It doesn't rhyme.

MAN: The new stuff
doesn't rhyme!

Hey, there.
You a big fan of
Jonathan Franzen?

Oh, my God, I worship him.

Yeah. Yeah,
of all my writing students,
he's probably done the best.

I'm sorry, everybody.

Mr. Franzen has informed us
he's not coming.

Like most real authors,
he's too good
for this dumb town.

ALL: Aw!

MAN: I hate it here!

Well, this crowd was
promised an author.

No!

Oh, well.

I guess I should
be getting back
to my dorm anyway.

I've got a short story due
for my creative writing
class tomorrow.

Oh, creative writing, huh?

Well, if you'd like
me to look it over
before you turn it in,

I'd be happy to.

Really? (GIGGLES)
That'd be great.

Cool, cool.
I'll follow you in my car.

(WHISPERING)
Come on. We're going.

All right, hold on.
Is this what your parents

are paying all that tuition for?

So you can fuck dogs?

I'll print up
for you what
I have so far.

Okay, I'm gonna go
in there with her.

You just sit out
here and be quiet.

Here, watch one of
her movies or something.

Ugh! Charlie St. Cloud?

And why are there
so many fingerprints
on this?

Who's handling their
Charlie St. Cloud DVD
all the time?

(SHOUTING) Lois,
can I have a Pop-Tart
in bed, please?

Lois?

Hey, Chris?
(DISTANTLY) Yeah?

Do you think Lois
would be okay if I ate
a Pop-Tart in bed?

Probably.
Probably, right?

Lois, you in the bathroom?

(GASPING)

Well, Mrs. Griffin,
you have three crushed ribs,

but I was able to stop
the internal bleeding.

Doctor, this has
happened seven times
in the last month.

Peter rolls over
in his sleep
and almost kills me.

I see.

Well, that sucks.

Look, I don't do it on purpose!

Well, looks like you
got a handle on it, then.

No, we don't.
He practically
smothers me every night.

Well, are you hogging
the blankets?

No!

"Probably hogging blankets."

And if he's not smothering me,

he's keeping me up all night
writing with that
giant plume of his.

(PLUME SCRATCHING)
Dearest Augustine,

I do hope this
latest damp has not
aggravated your gray lung.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.

Matters stateside
have taken a tragic turn

as this year's gourd
crop has fallen prey

to a rather
unexpected infestation
of salt-marsh cutworms.

Dip, dip, dip, dip, dip.

Peter, it's 4:00
in the morning.
Come to bed!

Marital concerns
continue to bedevil me.

Look, I'm sorry.

I wasn't planning on
spending all night there.

Look, how about
if I take you
to the park, huh?

Come on!
You like the park, right?

We're about to
pass the turnoffs.

Here it comes!

You may take me to the park.

Um, excuse me.
I didn't bring
any of my toys.

Can I play with some of yours?

No! Mine!

(ENGLISH ACCENT)
Are you all right?

I'm fine.

I didn't push him back
because he has leukemia.

My name's Penelope.
What's yours?

Stewie.
I've never seen you
around here before.

I'm new to town
and I don't have
many friends.

(CHUCKLING) All right.

A lot of pressure on me
instantly, but okay.

Would you like
to play with some
of my toys, Stewie?

Well, what have you got?

I have a set of jacks,
a paddleball and this
taffy with superglue.

Isn't that
the little boy
who pushed you?

Hmm. Yes.

You, there. Would you
like a piece of candy?

(CHOKING)

Don't push.

Uh, Lois, why do we have
Lucy and Ricky beds?

Because I'm sick
of you crushing me
in the middle of the night.

Dr. Hartman
called about my x-rays.

He said my spine
is now disfigured.

Lois, if God wanted me
to not sleep with my wife,

he would have made
me John Travolta.

Peter, I'm really
tired, okay?
Just give the bed a try.

There you go.
Good night, Peter.

I can't sleep like this, Lois.
I need someone to cuddle with.

Believe it or not,
men like to cuddle.

Even cold, unfeeling men
like Charles Bronson.

Hey, Charles Bronson's wife.
Scooch over.
I want to cuddle.

Mmm! That's nice.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

All right,
as soon as they answer,
you can go.

I don't want Penelope
to think I need
an escort to a playdate.

Oh, you got yourself
a little girlfriend, huh?

She's not my girlfriend.

Unlike you, I don't
view every female I meet
as some kind of pork holster.

Stewart, darling.
Hello.

What? That's how
they do it in Europe.

Now, get out of here!

Go sit in the car
and agree with yourself
while you listen to NPR.

I don't know what
the big deal is.

I stopped for one
drink after work.

Yes, but it's every night.

There! Now you can
be upset about that.

This is fun.
I like playing
with you, Penelope.

What shall we play next?

Well, let's see what you have.

You have a pop-up version of
The Unabomber's Manifesto?

Yes. At the end
the brother pops
up and turns you in.

What's this on
your Etch A Sketch?

Oh, those are some
advanced mathematical
formulas

I've just been tinkering with.

You're kidding!
I do that, too!

But what are these formulas for?

For these.
(BEEPS)

(WHIRRING)

(GASPS) Oh, my God!
You've got
a weapons room, too?

And look at the size of it.
It's amazing!

Yes, although sometimes
I think it's too big.

It takes the cleaning woman
forever to clean it.

Was already broken.

My word, Penelope,

you and I seem to have
quite a lot in common.

Do you actually use these?

Only when fear,
spite, jealousy
and revenge demand.

I bought that to kill
the women from
Sex and the City,

but time seems to
be doing it for me.

(GASPS) You're wicked.

Do your parents have any idea?

My mother's not a concern.

I don't really have
to worry about her anymore.

Oh, do you have one of those
white-wine zombie moms?

No, she died.

She was taking a tub
and somebody came in
and cut her head off.

Wait a moment. Did...

Did you kill her?

Well, I held the knife.

And her hair.

Oh, my God!

I've been dreaming
about doing that for years,

and you've actually
gone ahead and done it!

Penelope, I've never said
this to anyone before,

but I feel like
I may have finally found,
in you,

my one true soul mate.

Do you feel this way, too?

I do, Stewart.

It's as if our
meeting were more
than a mere coincidence.

It's as if we were
meant to be together.

Indeed.

This must be how Maverick
felt when he met Goose.

I feel the need.

The need for speed!
The need for speed!

And Scientology.
No, just speed.

So, listen, Quagmire,

there's something
I kind of wanted to
talk to you about.

Ever since Lois
got us twin beds,
I can't fall asleep.

I'm used to having
another person there.

I know. I always
sleep better when
I'm next to someone.

Yeah, it's only natural, right?

I'm glad to hear you say that,

'cause, you know,
I guess what I'm
trying to say is,

I want to propose an arrangement

that could
benefit the both of us.

Okay.

Men need someone to spoon
with and snuggle with

just the same as women.

And when you don't
have that, it's...

I... Well,
what I'm getting at is,

I would like for you
to sleep with me in my bed.

And this is not about sex,
it's about sleep.

No, no, I totally get it, Peter.

Snuggling is a basic human need.

Right, I mean,
who says that
the body next to you

has to be male or female
or, you know, whatever?

Or alive.
Yeah!

Well, no, but, yeah.

Look, I think it's a great idea,

and I'm completely with you.

I'm in. Let's try it.

Yay! That is
such good news!

And I'm so happy
they gave us a booth.

I know,
'cause they're
supposed to be reserved

for parties of three or more.

I know!

Oh, Stewie, it's so nice

to finally have someone
to do naughty things with.

Definitely.

All right,
I made a wallet bomb
and I planted it on Mort.

As soon as he opens it, boom!

(DOOR OPENING)

(BOTH GIGGLING MISCHIEVOUSLY)

Oh, bloody hell.
How do you go two weeks
without opening your wallet?

Yeah, he's been
out to dinner,
like, four times.

We're clearly not
going to get him this way.

I know,

which is why I just
planted another bomb

that's set to go off
every time he
burps into his hand.

(GROANING)

I'd better make
sure my wallet's okay.

I say, we're on quite a run.

We blew up
the Great Wall of China,
bombed the Eiffel Tower,

and look at this
note I sent off.

"Dear Pakistan, up yours.
Love, India."

Let's see what happens.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

They did not need much.

All right, Stewie, your turn.

Okay, I have to
destroy Copenhagen with a

tidal wave,

and the theme is

the Roaring Twenties.

That's...
That's a challenge.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(LIVELY '20s-ERA MUSIC PLAYING)

Roarin' twenten tidal waven!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Peter, what's going on?

Quagmire's having
a sleepover with me.

You can't be serious.
Look, Lois,

I told you that I need
to have somebody sleeping
next to me, all right?

Now if that's not
going to be you...

Fine! Do what you want.
I don't care.

But I think it's very strange.

Okay, that's
the one thing it's not.

Yeah, it's not strange.

I already told you,
I don't care.

It's not strange.
I know.

All right, let's see here.
Now, just, uh,
wrap yourself around me.

Is that okay?

Yeah, actually,
you can hold me even tighter.

Okay, I just need
to put this arm

(STRAINING)
right around here.

Yeah, there we go.

(EXHALES) Good.
Now let's just
fall asleep like this.

Your boxers are
a little starchy.

Can I take 'em off with my foot?

Sure.

Come on, you.

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story,
authorities are still
searching for the culprits

in a series of horrific acts
of destruction all across...

Scroll down, guys.

The globe.

That could've fit on there.

There was a long space
at the end of that line.

My God, it's you, isn't it?

It's you and Penelope

who've been doing
all these horrible things!

So? I've always been
about world domination.

What the hell did you think
I was talking about

when I said,
"Victory shall be mine"?

You have not said
that in a very long time.

Well, I'm back on it.

Stewie,
Penelope is taking
you down a dark path.

Look, in the past
you've done terrible things,

but it's always
been about the pursuit

of your greater goal
of world domination.

But this girl,
she just creates chaos
for the sake of chaos.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying,
she's a bad influence on you,

and you should stop
spending time with her.

I shall do no such thing!

Penelope is wonderful.
We're going to be
together forever.

Well, Rupert,
this is a big mess.

What the hell were you
doing talking to him?

You know who I
think is an ugly slut?

Miss Sharon.

Miss Sharon
from your daycare?
Yes.

This is a map of her house.

I thought we could
burn her in her bed
while her children watch.

You know, Penelope,

maybe we don't
have to kill someone
every day.

There are other things to do.

Like what?

I don't know...

You know what?
Forget it.

I think Brian just
got in my head a bit.
That's all.

Brian? Why?
What did Brian say?

Oh, nothing.
He just thinks you're
a bad influence on me.

(LAUGHS) Thinks I
should stop seeing you.

He does?

How dare he?

Babe? Babe?
Don't worry about it,
all right?

Stewart, do you love me?

More than anything!

Then swear on that love
that you'll do what I ask.

Just name it.

Kill him.

Kill Brian for me.

(EERIE ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

MAN: Family Guy
is brought to you
by AXE Body Spray.

AXE Body Spray.

Spray it on after gym class
instead of getting
beat up in the shower.

Kind of weird
those guys want to
fight you naked, huh?

AXE Body Spray.

Oh, God,
I can't kill Brian.
Even for Penelope.

He's my dog, my friend.

Well, I wonder what words
are gonna come out
of this pen today.

All right, I can do this.

(TWANGING)

(THUDDING)

Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't do this.

(SNEEZES)

(ROMANTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ You're looking
kind of lonely, girl

♪ Would you like
someone new to talk to?

♪ Oh, yeah
All right

♪ I'm feeling
kind of lonely, too

♪ If you don't mind
Can I sit down
here beside you?

♪ Oh, yeah
All right

♪ If I seem to
come on too strong

♪ I hope that
you will understand

♪ I say these things
'cause I'd like to know
If you're as lonely as I am

♪ And if you'd mind

♪ Sharing the night together

♪ Whoa, oh
Yeah

♪ Sharing the night together

♪ Whoa, oh
Yeah... ♪

I don't care how many children
you've lost in childbirth.

You're fired!

But I was only having a child
because you and the mister...

You don't get to speak
of me and the mister!

Oh, Stewie.
So, did you do it?

Have you removed
that wretched cur
from our existence?

I just couldn't bring myself
to kill him, Penelope.

Brian is my best friend.

Perhaps you're right.

Perhaps it was wrong
of me to ask you
to do such a thing.

Oh, thank you.

I'm so glad you're being
so understanding about this.

I was actually dreading
having to tell you about this.
(CHUCKLES)

(IMITATES SHUDDERING)

It appears I'll have
to kill him myself.
What?

I knew you were
too weak to do this.

You're nothing but a coward.

No, Penelope, wait!

(GROANS) Strong women
always turn out
to be nightmares.

Like Joan of Arc.

Hey, guys,
I'm not like other girls.

I kill people and burp
and watch so much porn.

Isn't that cool?
No.

I like a lot of goofball
comedies that other
chicks don't like.

My favorite thing to
play is Call of Duty.

Look me up.
I'm GuitarGurrrl76.

Let's burn this
chick at the stake.

I love steak!
Other girls don't.

I'm actually more like a dude.

Hey, guys,
don't come in my room.
I might be rubbin' one in.

Peter, this is ridiculous.
It's time for
you to come home.

I live here now, Lois.

Look, I'm sorry that
I ever got us separate...

Is that a bracelet
you're wearing?

It's a giggity band, Lois.
You wouldn't understand.

Look, Peter,
if you come home now,
we can get our old bed back

and you can snuggle with me
as much as you want.

Well...

You promise?

I promise.

'Cause, you know,
I missed cuddling
with you, too.

You did?

I sure did.

Well, then...

Hey, what do you
say we go home, huh?

Sounds good to me.

(GASPING)

Oh, Brian, there you are!
Thank God!
Oh, hey, Stewie.

Did you make that coffee?

Uh, no, it was here
when I came in.
I assume Lois made it.

Don't drink that!

Hey! That mug was
my crew gift
from Class Holes!

Did you take a bite
out of this donut?

Yeah, it was from
a box on the counter.
So what?

How long ago?
I don't know,
five minutes?

There's still time!

(CHOKING)

(CHOKING)

God, Stewie,
are you out of your mind?

Trust me,
I'm only doing
what's best for you.

Well, I do feel
pretty thin and wonderful.

And I still got
to eat the donut.

Why isn't
everybody doing this?
They are.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I've got a package
here for Brian Griffin.
Oh, that's me.

Brian, no! (GRUNTS)

Stewie, what the hell
is going on?

(CRYING)
I'm so sorry, Brian.

Penelope told me
I had to kill you

because you said
we should break up,

but I couldn't
bring myself to do it.

So then she said
she was gonna kill you,
and...

This...
This is not for you.

That was weird.
What was he doing?

Anyway, Penelope's
trying to kill you!

I told you she was bad news.

Look, let's just get
you someplace safe.

Dude! Get out of here!

Stewie, step aside.

Penelope,
I can't let you do this.

Stewie, she's one year old.

I think I can
handle this myself.

(EXCLAIMING)

All right, Stewie, tag in.

(IN SLOW-MOTION VOICE)
Slow-motion diving at you!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(ACTIVATING WEAPON)
(PENELOPE FIRING)

Ah!

Anti-gravity gun!
This is beyond my technology.

Perhaps if I detonate
an electromagnetic pulse,

it will disable it.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(GUN FIRING)

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Stay away from my dog.

Very well, Stewie, I shall.

But just one thing.
What?

(STEWIE EXCLAIMS)

That was

beautiful.

I'm gonna tell my
friends I banged her.

Hey. Thanks for
saving my life.

Well, it was
the least I could do.

Obviously, it turns out
you were right
about Penelope.

You okay?
I will be.

I will be, babe.

Oh, hey, Meg.
What have you been up to?