Original subtitles

[Music]

so

oh

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so

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so

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and in spite of all she'd heard sally

was quite unprepared for the site that

met her eyes as she looked out of her

tent on this first morning

in paradise camp everywhere she looked

happy campers went about their everyday

tasks unencumbered by clothing

unembarrassed and unashamed so this

was paradise how beautiful it seemed to

her

how unlike her past holidays in

bournemouth

suddenly sally's shyness and natural

humidity vanished

and forgetting all about her strict

convent training

she stepped out from her tent as naked

and free as nature intended

that's quite enough of that thank you

what's the matter with you you told us

this film was all about camping well it

is those are tents aren't i

not what you're looking at if you're

going on a camping holiday it only makes

sense you should find out what it's all

about

well affect what you're gonna learn from

this as a matter of fact i'm making a

mental note of all the equipment i got

yes especially hers setting out to

explore

paradise sally's first stop was at the

tennis court where four

sun bronze campers were playing a mixed

doubles

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you won't see nothing like edit

wimbledon open or not i tell you if one

of those men turn around i'm walking

straight out of here

what's the matter anth don't you like

tennis

i feel sick i don't blame her honestly i

don't know where to look

i do close your eyes

and i'll tell you when to open i don't

want to close my eyes i just want to go

i know just how she feels it's

disgusting that's what it is disgusting

what are you talking about disgusting

it's artistic

artistic literally with all those big

bottoms bubbling about all over the

screen oh you wouldn't think anything of

it if we were walking around like that

all the time

free unfettered i'm ashamed oh no

i suppose you'd rather be set here or

start naked wouldn't bother me

what if your ice lolly fell in your lap

you know what the matter with you you're

a prude if you don't mind we're trying

to hear back here oh sorry mate if i

know that i spoken a bit louder

in another part of the camp a party of

carefree young people were just starting

off on a bicycle ride

hey look hence that fair girl at the end

she got a saddle just like mine

that's what i mean by being unfettered

they don't bother with trouser clips

while in front of the canteen

a group of men were benefiting from a pt

class

rhythmically bending over to touch their

toes oh dear

wow that does it anthea was right we

should have gone to the sound of music

you've seen that before

i've seen all of that before too shhh

shut up come on auntie are you two

coming as well wait a minute let's see

the end i've seen enough

ends already thank you come on anthea

i suppose we better go with them sid

yeah excuse me

it makes you sick i just don't

appreciate culture

and so to the swimming pool where all

the prettiest young girls in the camp

where the sporting

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so

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[Applause]

hello darling oh no hello peter darling

i'm just checking on the camping gear so

i see

have a good day oh bad

got drunk at lunchtime then went to a

strip club and finished up in bed with a

popsy oh

look there's a hole in this tent flap

yes the goat at its way in last year

oh yes i remember he was after your

bedding yes that's right he even left a

deposit on it

oh poor peter we had a good laugh about

that though didn't we

yes you did didn't you as i love about

camping

such fun always did you have a good day

not bad no no no the chat came into the

office with a pound of opium

and we smoked it and we spent the

afternoon in a harem oh peter i've been

thinking we ought to try devon again

this year we had such a marvelous time

there last time

i've been thinking too darling oh that

marvelous little camping site me a

stoat's hollow do you remember

harriet please listen to me i'm

listening dear what a funny thing to say

i've i've been thinking about this

holiday and i was wondering

if possible you know just once we we we

might go abroad somewhere

camping oh you think so luxier says that

i thought we might

we might rough it in some four-star

hotels oh no

no no no you wouldn't like that sleeping

in strange beds eating oily food and

using all those peculiar toilets

when the toilets we have to dig out at

camp aren't exactly the last word

over there all ours

yeah it's just that i think i may be

getting too old for it

oh don't be silly peter you mark my

words you'll die

under canvas that's what i'm afraid of

no you always enjoy your camping holiday

and you're jolly well going to have one

you're just tired perhaps you had a bad

day at the office

no no no no no i met this chapel just

come back from camping in scotland

and his wife was ravished by wild haggis

and now they're expecting a little

[ __ ]

oh yes we mustn't forget to take a good

supply of toilet paper this time you

know what happened last year

yes we had nothing to write your mother

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on

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oh

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i'm sorry mr short the gentleman kept

touching things

that's quite right you see i've been

bursting to know what it's like inside a

tent

i see all right and stop and i'll attend

to this customer thank you sir

splendid girl and so helpful do you know

she's been showing me how to stick the

pole up

great i take it sir you're interested in

purchasing equipment

oh rather i've always been interested in

camping

but since i've never done it before i

thought i'd go to the

very best place for advice quite so so

so you came here

well yes you see the best shot was

closed i can assure you sir we can

supply absolutely everything essential

for a really successful camping holiday

oh but i need everything are you again

alone sir

why do you supply that too

this way sir please we have to go

see let's get back to work oh come on

we're only going to ask him where this

paradise camp is yeah but he'll know

it's nudist and it'll be embarrassing

are you talking about embarrassing

like going into a chemist shop for

something finding a young girl serving

you ain't coming out with a tube of

toothpaste i said that's it i wonder

what you would do with all those tubes

in your cupboard

no it's not that besides you'll never

get joan and anthon to go to a place

like that

how long we've been taking him two hours

about three months or so exactly and

where's he got us i'll kiss dan

what did that lead to she was sick yeah

but that's because i've been eating

pickled onions let's face it we are

lumbered with two birds with

prohibitions you mean inhibitions

i mean prohibitions they just won't

allow us oh the same you can't take them

to a place like that

listen if we can get those two birds to

paradise count all that freedom

back to nature all that good do you

think they can keep on holding out never

yeah but how are you going to get them

to go there don't tell them come on

no hold on a minute i can't go to a

nudist place

why not other people do maybe not people

like us what's the matter with us we've

got three legs or something

it's not bad when i'm on holiday i like

to relax huh

and when i relax i like to put my hands

in my pockets you can relax with your

hands behind your back can't you prince

philip does all right honey not with

nothing on he doesn't how do you

look you make it sound like it was

something shameful to go into a nudist

camp i tell you it's the most healthy

natural thing in the world can i help

you sir

uh yes as a matter of fact my mate and i

were wondering if you could

yes well we were looking for

yes uh two bit toothpaste please

we don't sell toothpaste sir

ice prince i'll take one of these in

see

hey hey that's it

come on

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[Applause]

oh

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look out the house

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stand up girls

good evening tigers

carry on girls

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i'm sorry to trouble you dr serpa but

i've been thinking about this

camping trip for the girls that have to

remain with us during the holidays what

about it

well i was wondering whether it really

was such a good idea perhaps you're

forgetting nate and it was my idea

oh no no no and of course it is

absolutely a splendid one

but but what well i was wondering

whether

perhaps they might find it a trifle

spartan i mean they're being such

delicate and refined girl

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the point i'm really trying to make is

that here i

can keep full control over them but

outside well

anything might happen you seem to be

forgetting miss haggard you're coming

with us

surely you and i together can keep

suitable control

i'm thinking about the girls so am i

oh but don't you see it raises the

problem of

sex ah sure you mentioned i wouldn't

dream of bothering you

in that way and i meant with the girls

they're liable to come into contact with

boys

oh yes but i don't think that'll be a

problem it's been my experience that

once young people

stumble the delights of country life and

the wonders of nature

they just can't get enough of it exactly

i was thinking of a girl so was i

exactly well i do hope you're right dr

sofa

oh yes yes i assure you but i take the

point you made earlier

yes these girls have led very sheltered

lies they don't even know what boys are

i suggest you give them a little talk on

the subject oh nothing too frightening

just stick to the

birds and the bees with a possible

reference to the behavior of monkeys

well i'll try dr silva good girl if any

of them feel any

unnatural urges or the desire to do

something they shouldn't well send them

straight to me

you yes but i was thinking about the

girls so it was i

you're not wearing that that hat oh

sorry dear force of happy

ah that's the ticket come on let's get

our packs on

and oh we go

there how do i look like an old mailbag

filled with unwanted parcels

spend it slide drive why not you always

do good

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[Applause]

uh

now don't forget another word to the

girls about where we're going it's a

mystery holiday

they're bound to find out the minute we

get there yeah be too late buddy

it was just active surprises there i

won't need to act

sad yes but we have to take all our

clothes off

can't we keep something on don't worry i

thought

go on finish it up you're not going

anywhere without a good breakfast inside

you i am finishing it up mum

more baking tomatoes anthony oh no thank

you mr fussy i had coffee and toast

before i left home

you won't get a proper lunch not if i

know those two they're only after one

clean they are

oh look for heaven's sake mum i've told

you we know how to look after ourselves

oh yes

33 and still not married if that's not

taking care of yourself i don't know

what is

i'm playing hard to get with sid what's

the matter with you

i choked to save me the trouble

honestly mum the way you told anyone to

think i didn't want to get married i

know what you want

i also know what sid wants what's that

since you asked me to put it into words

he wants to eat his cake and dabbit

and he's certainly going the right way

about it taking off on a camping holiday

look mum i know sid's been around but

he's not gonna find me easy meat

me neither well you're not even neat

bernie's nice though

he is if you get him away from that seat

he's a bad influence on him if you ask

me

we aren't well i think you're making it

too easy for him going camping

look mum i wish you wouldn't treat

siddis if you hated his guts

but i do that's just it i do i know and

you're not making it any easier for me

either

it's all gonna be quite proper and above

board i can assure you

sid's got two tents for us yes and i

know what happens to people once they

get in them

i went with your father once and he went

berserk i tell you after that experience

i'd never have married him

if i hadn't had to i'll do shut up mum

oh here they are

hello all set yeah give us a hand with

the luggage right yeah there's you'll

get here all right yeah she's just

finished breakfast wanna mrs fussy

hello hello we're not emigrating you

know well there's any clothes

oh you won't need clothes where we're

going

what do you mean we won't need clothes

it means you won't need a lot of clothes

you know just a pair of shorts swimsuit

oh no i'm not having to go without

plenty of woolies not with their funny

kidneys

do stop that man there's nothing wrong

with my kidney you know perfectly well

and she'll go straight to him just like

your father

always on the trotty was i'll give her

for heaven's sake

they can run around off naked if they

want but you're keeping woolies next to

your essentials and that's final

all right all right mrs fussy we'll get

it all on somehow i'm sorry if i brought

too much bernie but i have to keep

covered up in the sun

that's right anthea's got a funny skin

get away

but with her funny skin and john's funny

kidneys it's going to be a bleeding

hilarious holiday

if she can't take her clothes off in the

sun shut up

and don't go drinking none of that well

water you never know what people have

done down wells yes all right mum and go

easy on the tin food

you don't want any of that trouble not

with your funny tummy funny tummy too

you ought to be on the telly she can't

help having sensitive parts oh look for

goodness sake can't we get going

nearly ready you get in you're all right

auntie have you taken your tablet

yes tablet yes auntie gets car seat what

a big strong healthy girl like

here never come on it

and don't forget if you have to use any

strange whatsits put plenty of paper

down first

oh isn't it off come on come on buddy

let's get cracking that [ __ ] off all

right

yeah that's it well tell him

just a minute yes i just wanted to warn

you

i don't want to hear of any

unnecessariness when my joan gets back

unnecessarily

you know what i mean what makes you

think that's unnecessary

it's no laughing matter they might think

your intentions are honorable

but personally i got sore misgivings you

want to put some talcum powder on them

very funny but you stick to your own

tense that's all oh mum really

it's not as if she got a ring on her

finger you know he hasn't got one

through her nose either

oh come on

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oh my god

there's three large tents for the girls

one for me was miss haggard

and bunks and bedding all the branson

buildings here

get a load of that

good morning dr sofa are we all loaded

up is that our driver yes mr tanner

you can call me jim hello jim are you

going to stay with us all the time

oh yeah i'll go all the way love it

better all right girls get in the couch

and move it on with the loading

bar dear do you think you're quite

suitably dressed for traveling

oh but so we were told to bring the

minimum of clothing yes but in your

luggage not on your person

oh it's all right i've got a minimum in

my luggage too

sir i see but i don't think it's proper

for a young lady to show her legs to

that extent what extent they go up too

far

my legs they only go out to your

[Music]

shoulders

rear-wheel drive eye yes fascinating the

way it

uh what absolutely disgusting i can't

think what matron had in mind when she

loved it i shall suddenly speak to her

wait

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good morning doctor so far but i really

must put

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something wrong dr silva but no me

nothing nothing at all

[Music]

how you feeling now that's better yeah

that's

it if you ask me you should never have

had those bacon and tomatoes for

breakfast

oh oh look now you've done it me what

have i done why'd you have to bring up

bacon and tomatoes again

why didn't she do oh dear i'm not

stopping again

now look don't be so hard she can't help

feeling sick she's always like this on

long distances

long distances she was off before we

reached the end of your road

you better do something quick paper bag

that's the answer yeah i know what you

can do with it

put it over her head try those she'll

never get it in that

it's to sniff at your full smelling

salts

oh great smelling salsa what is it

essence of bacon and tomato

oh looks it is no good we have to find a

place we're in a little blooming country

there aren't any places you should have

to go behind a hedge stop the car

[Music]

look what's in front of you i am

looking

what a ghastly slide you can say that

again

keep off the road keep up the road

my what have you done madame

[Music]

hello hello i wonder if you could help

me

am i on the right road to saul's break

yes but it's quicker if you go through

the fence and across the plane

oh thank you very much

what's a nice girl like you doing with

an old cow i'm taking her to the ball to

the ball oh

couldn't your father do that you know it

has to be the ball

all right now pay attention girls going

to our rather prolonged stay at

stonehenge

i have arranged for us to stay the night

at a hostel and then go on to the

campsite

tomorrow morning any questions come

perhaps i dare you

yes please dr sober what is it barbara

death

please sir at stonehenge i heard an

american gentleman say

that all those stones were to do with

fertility rise

what are they uh fertility rights

yes well let's easily explain my dear

you see in those days

uh there were very few cattle and horses

about

and men had to purchase the right to

gather the fertilizer

hence the term the fertility rights oh i

see

aren't i silly i thought it was

something to do with having babies

the rest period a fine

talk you must have given them on the

birds and the bees well i'm sorry doctor

but when i started talking about them i

suddenly realized i hadn't the foggiest

idea what they did

but what do they do these stinks

[Music]

we'll have a quick gnaw shot then we'll

get the tank top i think this is a lousy

spot to pick

perfect isn't it just smell that air

ah something up oh

just just a thistle that's all

oh poor peter you're always in trouble

here have a hard-boiled egg to get on

with

oh isn't this wonderful so much

better than dirty stuffy old london

funny thing about dirty stuffy old

london i can walk for miles and miles

without ever getting bitten stung or

stepping into something

that's more than i could say with a

country

[Music]

what was that only a towel look it's

over there

are you absolutely sure that's a cow god

i'm sure

i should know i used to milk them when i

was little well i wouldn't try milk in

that one it's only got one tap

oh yes i believe that is a bull

fancy that no i don't not in the least

don't ever worry about them they only go

for something red

[Music]

that's a better move i'll of negate

hearing things

come on

[Music]

pete peter darling are you all right

fine bye

would you pass us all please

peter peter

look you say we'll be there by five it's

nearly six i was reckoning without your

friend miss throw up 1969.

according to the map we should be quite

close to it close to what

where are we heading for what i thought

[Music]

coming

[Music]

i knew i shouldn't have eaten those

radishes

i say peter do you remember

we stayed overnight in this spot before

when i got bitten in the middle of the

night that's right

by mosquito wasn't it well it wasn't you

they always seem to fancy you what you

need is a repellant

thanks i'm married one

we could do with some milk there's a

farm round here where we got some before

well i got some before no i'm wrong i

remember

you went by yourself and on the way back

you fell into a silage pit

oh we have had some fun haven't we

yeah i'll get the milk

[Music]

to

yes hello i've had a spot of bother with

my tent

and i wondered whether you could let me

have a room for the night how

did you i suppose you want me to say yes

but you'll have to share it with my

daughter okay

i expect you've heard that one about the

traveller who stopped i've not

only heard it oh you've had it come in

here

here you go is this the one is this

responsible

what that you must be joking

here have you ever been with my daughter

before actually no

uh but if the office still home never

mind just get out and don't come back

oh right i'm sorry to have knocked you

out either is that meant to be funny no

why

because it was a passing [ __ ] like you

that got her into trouble oh you don't

say

nothing serious i hope yeah get out

bless you want my 124

father you can't go on attacking every

man that comes here

just give me his name that's all i want

out of you his name

i can i never knew his name

all that money i spent on a posh

education trying to make a lady out of

you

and you haven't even got them managed to

ask without am i having the pleasure

uh good evening sir i was wondering if i

could have some milk milk isn't it

yes i came here once before you know oh

you did it

yes but you weren't here though just a

young lady

and she gave me a bit oh she did did she

yes and it was very nice too that's why

i've come back for some more

oh gum you've got a nerve oh don't

misunderstand me please i

i'm quite willing to pay for it this

time i'll kill you

[Music]

peter what's the matter with you nothing

i've

been shot in the backside that's all

you've been

what shot where

in the backside much

hey have a look will you

[Music]

must be around here somewhere i'll look

for heaven say why don't we just stop

anywhere and put the tents up we can't

just stop anywhere you gotta have proper

facilities well we've managed without

facilities all day haven't we

how's queasy chops oh she's having a

whale of a time you've only to look at

her to see that

he only asked look

that's it paradise where have i heard

that before

must have been in church no it wasn't

that

oh is this the special place you've been

looking for that's right

no no nothing special but we'll try it

if you like

but see

[Music]

shall we

[Music]

hmm

you the owner of this site no where is

he going for a pee oh

here he comes now

me ah yes

can i help you yes we'd like to camp

here who do we have to see me

i'm the owner josh fiddler oh how do you

do mr fiddler i'm boggle this is mr leg

hello

you're not members then you have to be

members i'm afraid so

i'm trying to keep this place select you

know it's not like some of these

campsites it's

or what you might call a show place we

know all about that don't we

how much is it to be a member then pound

bound you all right then

per person each but there's four of us

bernie it's all right bernie we don't

want to argue with mr fiddler

two two three four that's correct

now then gentlemen your member's cards

thank you all right shall we go there

yes anytime you want the book in here

just show them

but we want to come in now now yes but

you haven't booked have you

hooked don't tell me you're full up well

i might be able to squeeze you in but uh

you should have paid the booking fee

booking fee which is

banned bam attempt

two tents two pounds mac are we coming

certainly as soon as you paid the rent

rent in advance but you've had six quid

out of us already bernie it's all right

bernie

what about the renter mr filler well my

usual charge per week yes yes which is

pounds yeah i know it per tent

or per person whichever's the great i

don't know if anybody ever told you but

your name certainly suits you thank you

now can we come there is just one more

thing what

welcome to paradise bernie we're in

do we strip off now okay do we take our

clothes off now

oh no there's no alley for that i mean

let's uh let's have a good look around

first see what the form is yeah but if

they're all stripped off and we go in

fully dressed everybody's going to stare

at can't start now they'll get

suspicious

we're lucky we managed to get in then

you can just turn around and manage to

get out again

what are you talking about you heard me

you filthy beast

filthy beast what have i done now look

don't you come the innocent with me sid

boggle

it's a good job anthia woke up she

remembers paradise all right it was in

that disgusting film you took us to see

oh is that what that camp was called is

it going doesn't it hey burn

what's here i want to go home don't

worry dear we're going we're not staying

here to flaunt our persons in public

it just cost us 10 [ __ ] to get in here

and in we are going

don't look down here

oh it's all right hunty you can look

it's really rather nice

oh yes it's lovely oh come on then let's

get out and put the tents up shall we

you stay right where you are we're not

stopping in this lassie dump

what

[Music]

is this it man is that

toilet hud camp shop doesn't seem very

full does it

oh well you're lucky you see i had a

couple of cancellations

that's why i was able to squeeze you in

well before you start squeezing

why are these people all sitting around

with their clothes on as a camp rule

all visitors will be respectfully

dressed at all times

they took all time well of course i

can't have people walking around here

naked

i've got my hands to think of don't take

much to put them off their lane and it

doesn't take long to put me off mine i'm

very sorry mr phillip we've got the

wrong place we can't stay here oh please

yourself right so if you just give me

the money

money i'm very sorry it's a camp rule

no money is returned whatever if you

don't give me that money i'll clobby

dude what's all the fuss

nothing nothing i was just telling mr

pillai that you girls don't want to stay

here oh that was before we saw it it's

lovely isn't it anthea yes

lovely well that's all right then isn't

it

yes lovely

take too long putting your tents up if i

were you and surprised me for you to

never drop a rain

[Applause]

[Music]

map

hurry up girls come along now pick up

your luggage

well here we are girls welcome to

bullsworth youth hostel corridor e

rooms 15 to 22. all the girls will have

to share

i'm not you of course matron you'll be

in room 19.

thank you very much doctor not at all

i'm sure no one will disturb you

yes come along hurry up now all care off

these girls

or make a power that's right

what's the matter sally lisa i don't

seem to have a pair

i wouldn't say that uh you see there's

11 of us

oh yes that's true i hadn't thought of

that that is most awkward

of course she can have my room i beg

your pardon

well i'm on my own she can have it if

she wants oh yes i suppose that would

appear to be the only solution

all right sally you take room 17. yes

sir

thank you that's all right any time it's

all right come along dear

they'll be sharing with me room 16. huh

fine

bring it in

[Music]

oh

oh hold still a minute peter please

ah that's better

[Music]

got it is that a lot

no just one more now

[Music]

we'll have a nice hot cup of tea

[Applause]

is anyone there

[Music]

oh hello good evening

oh you poor thing you're soaked yes

it's been raining you see come inside

[Music]

hello feeling better yes thank you

yeah get those things off come on peter

give the pearl chat a hand

will you yes if you could just get the

pack off

nearly off now wouldn't be that side

that side now that's it thank you very

much

oh you're all wet oh don't worry about

that peter doesn't mind a drop of water

no i love it oh by the way i'm harriet

potter and this is my husband peter

how'd you do how do you do it my name is

muggins charlie muggins that doesn't

surprise me

i lost my tent you see and i've been

searching around looking for somewhere

to spend the night oh dear you're miles

from anywhere here

yes why not stay right here meg

no well i mean that is i mean mr muggins

hardly knows us i mean we don't want to

embarrass him

you're not shy are you no well of course

you're not

after all with us it's just down to the

old undies and into the bag isn't it

peter

or perhaps mr muggins doesn't like

watching people getting stripped down to

their old undies and getting into their

bags

i don't mind that is if you and your

husband don't wish to be alone

what an [ __ ]

i see what you mean

[Laughter]

we gave up all that sort of thing years

ago didn't we peter

yes you did didn't you

i still have my little cot with me if

you're sure there's room for it

yes of course put it up the middle

peter will give you a hand to get it out

won't you dear oh gladly

that's it now

[Music]

how much longer are you going to be

nearly finished

well you said that nearly an hour ago

that's it bunny get the beds

[Music]

water

[Music]

united

[Music]

i fell over her and accidentally pulled

it off i'm quite sure barbara's big

enough to put it back on herself

oh yeah she's big enough all right

i mean good night

you two get to bed i'll deal with you in

the morning

i'll fix the old bag someday give us a

hand

back to room 16 and don't hog the bed

dr sophie's coming yeah i've got an idea

come here

[Music]

thank you good night

[Applause]

[Music]

it's quite clearly marked

oh doctor soap i must confess i'm not an

expert in these matters

but i hardly think a shower stall is a

suitable place for making advancing i

thought i could hold the shower tap

i mean

[Music]

come on girls everything's ready for you

oh oh it's lovely and cozy isn't it

lovely looks way therefore bed's all

made up there's a light

and hangers for your clothes that's in

case you want to go out

and that's in case you don't well you

have done it nice and there's so much

wrong

yes you get four in there easy

if you had to yes well let's split up

the other tent

oh look do you have to i mean you're

soaking wet already and it started to

rain again

well we got to keep somewhere aren't we

yes i suppose sir

what's a drop of plural see anyway good

night hey wait

look i've had an idea yes well it seems

silly to get wet through again putting

up the other tent that's exactly what we

thought

so so why don't you both sleep in the

[Music]

car

[Music]

would you please stop barging i'm sorry

i'm trying to get my sock off and i

can't find the top and they say that's

my leg mr muggins

oh sorry my thought

mrs potter hmm you're getting my nose oh

good heavens i'm terribly sorry

here we go come on oh oh thank you

the old system with it oh keep pushing

what

[Music]

oh there you are that's not the other

bed that's the rubber dinghy hi

real bargaining what's self-inflating

and all what do we want a self-inflating

rubber dinghy for we'll need it when we

get to the beach

if we get much more to this rain we'll

need it here get your shopping clothes

off my bed

yeah sorry evening

well done you'll that's fine right there

mr muggin

thank you only hope i didn't disturb you

too much oh no not at all

well good night all right

good night mrs potter

excuse me i think you better have my cod

i'll sleep in the middle all right

um um you've got my sleeping bag you are

a kind

[Music]

hey

[Music]

nice

[Music]

get back to your room i want no more

trouble tonight

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

um

[Applause]

bless you and you

it's rainy hang on a minute

[Applause]

thank you all right for god's sake let's

get some sleep

i'm ready

[Applause]

oh come on quick answer is a smashing

day oh yes it's

lovely where are the boys

what do you want to do that for

[Music]

right let's go darling is it quite fair

on mr muggins to leave him like this

yes now stop talking and get out of here

[Music]

ah there you are good morning girls good

morning doctor sanford

uh now the coach is waiting sorry you

busted in on you like that last night

sir

hope we didn't ruin things for you not

at all it was just a misunderstanding

over the room numbers you understand of

course sir

i wonder how it could have happened the

doors were all marked so clearly sir yes

well no honda and i was only in there

for a bit oh sir

no harm in a bit now and then

i've been morning nature and i was just

explaining to the girls about last night

oh

please don't say anything more i fear i

owe you an apology

oh not at all mature and you won't knew

i was in the wrong no please

i have been thinking about it i should

never have screamed out like that it was

most immature of me

i wouldn't say that what you see i've

always led a very sheltered life

and before this no man has ever tried to

force his attentions on me i can well

believe it

but i am not a child i am aware that

a man has his uncontrollable urges

from time to time oh only at christmas

and bank holidays

i really feel very flattered that you

would want to release them on me

oh but i don't mean i saw you i realize

of course it was the sight of me in the

shower that

aroused your slumbering manhood

oh but it wasn't slumbering it was only

half no please don't say any more just

be patient with me remember i am

inexperienced in such things

just don't rush me i think you'll find

it's

worth waiting for yeah says christmas

but you won't find me stuffing your

turkey

[Music]

well if this is paradise give me hell oh

look i will if you don't stop

moaning well what have i got to be

cheerful about i thought we might book

up and come again next year

over my dead body well to tell you the

truth me and anthea we were a bit

worried won't we anthea

yes why did what about

oh it's silly i know but well you know

we thought all sort of coming camping

together

you two boys might have tried it on

that's funny

sid and me thought that didn't we didn't

we how'd you do it

hello mr fiddler what's this then

caught coals have you no no no just

giving our feet some air that's

all you've uh settled in all right then

yes very nicely thank you

look you didn't say nothing about

putting up a clothesline

oh don't you allow them then it's just

that it takes up so much space

that's why we have to make a small

charge

small child ah now look just a nominal

one mind

oh no you can put four out for a pound

get away

you mean to tell me that you would let

us put up one clothesline occupying at

least 10 feet of empty air for only five

cylinders

oh no one seven and six four for a pound

you skimpling you scavenger

don't worry we'll come to some

arrangement about the line yes around

your blooming neck

see you must not talk to him while he

gets on my wick

army ten quid we spent here anybody

think that blooming feel belong to him

i say thanks most awfully for the lift

that's all right come along girls click

the bed

this way such charming company too

i say could i give something towards the

petrol well you could give something for

all the food

oh but i'd be delighted thank you don't

mention

it hey i'll sit joe says to put some of

this ointment on your poor feet never

mind about my poor feet getting intense

down let's get out of here

look at that

[Music]

don't think much of yours said oh i

don't know if you've got lovely big

blue eyes you can have the one in the

blazer

[Music]

well well what well are we leaving or

not

leaving but a lovely cheap place like

this i don't call tank with you oh shut

up

leaving you must be bombing the frames

are first then canvas later

and there's bedding and bunks by the

coat no

very good you see frames first and then

canvas over later

oh excellent well done nation well

it seems a little bit rickety doctor yes

well of course it's fairly easy to get

it up

it's getting it to stay up that's what

comes oh of course you haven't pegged it

down properly

oh of course you must forgive me doctor

i i've never done it before

yeah so you told me earlier excuse me

oh doctor i suppose you hadn't room for

me room

for you yes well you see i haven't lost

my tent my dear man these tents are all

for young girls

oh well i'm not fussy well i am oh

well what about the little one at the

far end that sir is my habitat oh i do

beg your pardon

do you know i thought that you and she

certainly not

oh in that case i don't mind sharing

with her well you're certainly not fussy

here we are again mr fiddler welcome

back mrs potter

oh thank you did you get on booking oh

yes how about that mrs potter

got a bit of a shock you mean there's no

room

oh no i can always manage to squeeze old

customers in all right

uh it's just that overheads have gone up

so much since you were here last

i've had to how much more this year mr

fiddler

pound we quite understand

you might i don't just what overheads do

you have mr fiddler

tell me your field to you mr potter

maybe take that grass

don't go by itself you know has to be

manured regular

and manure's gone up by ten pound a load

now

sounds a real bargain to me mr fiddler

what is it second hand

hello mrs potter i'm coming oh look

darling look it's mr

well muggins problems are sold mr

fiddler at least you won't have to buy

any more manure

sup is ready good i'm starving where are

the boys

it's awfully sweet of you to help us

like this oh it's nothing it's a

pleasure in it man oh yeah

especially when you're as well equipped

as you are

thanks for the compliment now i meant

with camping equipment

don't spoil it you two here on your own

oh no

we've got our girlfriend owls sorry were

you gonna say you got girlfriends with

you

now we always called on that their

relations actually aunties

oh well then they won't mind your thing

with us will they

come on let me tickle pink

now remember girls the camp perimeter

lights go out to 10 o'clock and i don't

want to see any of you

outside your tents after that they'll be

the usual pt at 7

30 followed by breakfast at eight and

then i'll be taking you all

on a lovely nature ramble lunch at one

o'clock

and then i'll be giving a lecture on

bird song and the calls of nature

all right i'll show you once again

you're watching all right here we go now

now you see it there you go that's it

it's wrong again at three kisses you arm

what is going on here oh um these two

gentlemen have been kindly helping us

with our tensor

that's very nice i'm sure but you

mustn't let them take advantage of you

oh no we'll try not to sir

i'm talking to the gentleman oh you

don't want to worry about us mate we're

only too happy to be of assistance

very kind of you i'm sure but i'd like

to see you get everything organized

inside the tent that suits us

i was talking to the girls bunks and

bedding oh yes well jane's just going to

get her sir

it's high time you got yours and i was

talking to the girls

come on fanny we better get cracking

wait a minute darling you don't want to

take that too heavy for you you might do

yourself an injury that's all right i

can manage

can you go get some more for the others

what are you doing in here just come to

give you a couple of hands that's all

if dr sober sees you here we'll get into

awful trouble oh he's gotta make sure he

doesn't see us

well it must go together somehow hurry

up for heaven's sake before someone

comes

perhaps you have to pull something how

about those two things sticking out in

front

yes how about them

[Music]

[Laughter]

[Music]

sorry but it's not going to work like

this we'll have to try it the other way

around oh come on stop messing around

you two give us a bit let me and bob

show you out

what do you want me to do yeah i'll do

this no both ends

oh it's all right it's only your aunties

[Music]

fed

[Music]

now really touch those toes barbara and

up and rest

now let's try arms flinging from side to

side

begin and fling and in

now really let's see those chests come

out and

fling and in and fling

and in and flew

[Music]

you were a gentleman you'd close your

eyes

laughing now that barbara has fallen out

stop laughing we will continue

hands on hips bending from side to side

begin

bend bend bend bend

that's enough for today now after you've

all had a shower and breakfast

you'll be pleased to hear i've been able

to arrange a lovely outing for you all

to the famous mineral drink producing

monastery

at stanfast where you can actually see

the monks

making their own water dismiss

oh you're up already dear you ready for

some breakfast i

am did you have a good night oh

not bad one of the girls from across the

way came over and dragged me out of the

tent

took me into the woods trade its own

eggs this morning mr muggins finished

all the bacon last night

how surprising is your feet where do you

not very no

see this girl kept waking me up to make

love to her poor mr muggings you know he

does need

feeding up hurry up what's mattered here

i think it's time mr mugging's got

another tent to himself oh darling we

couldn't chuck him out like that

he's so helpless you mean hopeless

you're just a bit grumpy this morning

that you had a bad night

no not really no mind you it got a bit

rough when all the rest of the girls

came across and joined us

i just couldn't satisfy him you know i

wouldn't have minded a bit of that

myself

you know what that bacon pity finished

it

frustrated what do you mean you feel

frustrated

what did fiddler say to you yesterday

when you asked him for some eggs he said

he was not getting anything

exactly six days we've been here now

those birds are dead ready to be

friendly

oh they're friendly all right mr fiddler

says they're just not lying

not the blooming chickens i mean fabs

and

the other penny yeah that's it

maybe if we could get a hold of him yes

but how how

with those four bdis watching us

[Music]

morning howdy girls no darling

[Music]

see that they give us a little wave yeah

fat lot of good elevator

penny we don't share the same ablutions

yes

get your wash things i had to wash

yesterday so you'll have another wash

today

but i'm on holiday oh come on

this way goes

[Music]

but you said i was gonna

what are you up to but i can't stop us

talking to him through the wall can i

hurry up barbara just for me i think he

just got in here

[Music]

bad i recognize the dimples

hey perhaps it's me sid foggle

can you hear me only just you'll have to

speak up a

i was wondering if we could meet up

somewhere tonight

meet where hello

[Music]

hey watch it hello

are you still there

are you still there baba who are you

talking to

oh who knows come out of there

[Music]

immediately

i thought so disgusting fruits

what is it what's the matter some man's

been looking at us

[Music]

oh yeah

get out of here quick

[Music]

hello beasts

disgusting

[Music]

she's worried well what about this time

how the usual

i hadn't asked a dream last night about

you and anthea

you were asleep in your tent and these

two big lusty farmhands broke in and

cultivated your friendship

chance would be a fine thing and fear

i'm sorry just sort of slipped down

[Music]

nothing to scratch it with i really

think they fancy us

fanciest your trouble is you don't

recognize a green light when you see it

i haven't had much luck with the red

ones either

[Music]

where do you think you're going to walk

on tiptoe

i didn't want to wake you now look don't

you kid me sid boggle

you're eyeing those two flashy birds

what two flashy birds she means bats and

fanny who asked you

i was only trying to help didn't even

notice him

rubbish you haven't stopped eyeing them

ever since they came here can i open it

if they're always standing where i'm

staring

look not content with having bags under

your eyes you gotta have them in front

of you as well

[Laughter]

hello everyone lovely afternoon hello

mrs potter yes lovely

i thought you ought to know that this

evening dr soper is giving us a lecture

on bird watching

thanks i've already had one don't take

any notice from mrs potter we'll be

there

a good oh seven o'clock in front of the

latrines

that should be a good atmosphere for it

i see you haven't seen my uh

my husband have you afraid not strongly

he seems to have disappeared

he's a good judge come on

come on

right

and remember girls don't go ask in the

months of the monastery any stupid

questions because they've given up

talking

and none of your saucy looks because

they've given that up too right are we

all ready to go

yes dr server all except jay she wasn't

feeling very well i told her to stay in

bed oh yeah

what would i do don't you write there i

am i gotta fly in here

there's not the super sparky now i say

have you visited stanford abby i know

oh you should you know most

extraordinary order of monks

well in that case i'd rather not oh well

i better find the old potting pan

bye she's uh quite right you know we all

see everything there is to see

you weren't doing so badly this morning

in the ablutions hut

what are you talking about no all right

get your things cisco

no thank you all right then burn it

you're me again we're too

that place uh stanford's debbie oh you

mean where the girls have gone

all right get your things aunt

mr muggins much as i enjoy your

excellent company

that's a blasted life of a staff

i must be completely honest only

polite

my dear mr muggins it's only a

suggestion

but why don't you take your stinking

carcass out of our bloody tent

your family had the nerve

hello hello

you're from the camping site aren't you

i've seen you with that funny woman and

that scrawny little man

i don't like them much sit down and join

the club

all right i like you though

hmm having fun no much

oh would you like some no i don't drink

pretty oh see

i don't smoke oh

but we can go to my tent if you like the

others are all away

well come on then

[Music]

my oh i like this one of the monks doing

their laundry oh lovely

i suppose that's where they get rid of

their dirty habit

that is not very funny bernie i said

gotta

where is he where's sid i was just crept

into the [ __ ] for

smoke

how about a bit of fun tonight half

brother we'll be over after lights out

bless you my children

oh there you are where have you been all

afternoon i have been lying

in the arms of a beautiful girl i was

getting worried about you you mr t

you know hurry up still you're in time

for suffering hurry up

what is it dear where is mr martin's

oh he's in the tent

please don't go in he's having a nap

[Music]

i'd like you inside please

find out what about this up

oh so glad you reminded me

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

i wonder if he's offended about

something

[Music]

i keep telling you bernie as soon as the

lights go out they're coming in here go

on

what for a party or shouldn't we get

some cakes

not that kind of a party bernie we have

got it made all we got to do is play our

cards right

oh i hope they play rummy forget it just

hide the bottles

supposing joan and anthea find out

they'll be asleep by then yeah but what

if they hear a noise and get up to

investigate

i thought that

needle and thread that's it as soon as

it gets dark when about so they're 10

flaps together

[Music]

yes what is it matron i must see you on

a

personal matter oh i can't come out now

i'll see you in the morning very well

if you won't come out i'll come in hello

oh no you don't oh

oh no no i matron i was just taking a

shortcut

i don't know why doctor but i have a

feeling you're trying to avoid me

no whatever gave her that idea but you

shouldn't be in here you know think of

the girls

they need watching oh to hell with the

gun

i can't help it it's not fair to ignore

a woman after you've aroused her

dormant passion

your dormant passion oh but you have

all my life i've been like an unused

clockwork toy

and then that night at the hostel you

wound me up now you must stop me

oh i couldn't die

her she's involved

[Applause]

uh

[Music]

what time is it now sid oh mommy it's

only eight o'clock will you relax

eight o'clock another two hours to wait

i'll be worn out by the time i get here

oh you don't know how empty my life has

been

before i came to your school i was

matron at a hospital there was a doctor

there

he was brilliant he looked just like you

i

worshipped him but he ignored it why

whenever i show any interest in a man do

they ignore it

why haven't i got a peel yes but says a

banana and i don't even want that

but i feel you're different doctor don't

you feel

something no i believe in keeping my

hands to myself for that night in the

hostel you showed me your true feelings

now i beg you let me show you mine i

don't want to see yours

no thank you i'll help someone help

what's that what's going on i don't know

but then givens for it

[Applause]

[Music]

in the next field

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

[Applause]

they've got our girls in there

[Music]

[Applause]

it's not my fault it's farmer jars it

feels and it seems he give them

permission for to use it

but we can't stand that row all night

certainly are we gonna get any sleep

from what i hear you wasn't reckoning on

doing much sleeping

the point is what are we gonna do about

it i can't have my wife upset by that

damn noise you see she's upset

did you see what he's done to my ends

couldn't tell us about him

never mind you blooming look just a

minute everybody just a minute if you

really want to get rid of them i think i

know how we can do it

the girls are all back now doctor how

you feeling but i'm all right it's a bit

shaken up that's all

[Music]

[Applause]

tv

[Music]

so yeah

[Applause]

[Music]

no oh wow

[Applause]

come on

they're going

hey bernie we can get on with that party

of ours now

that'll teach him i wish the girls could

see this now motion

the girls are in their truck stop stop i

said

hey they're taking all the girls for all

of them every flame in one

quickly make sure this go after them

[Applause]

peter look they've stolen our tandem oh

come back i say stop i report you to the

board

stop do here good what

we won't need it when we go to monte

carlo next year monte carlo that's right

we'll go on the cross channel fellaini

with all the camping equipment oh what a

good idea and when we're halfway across

we'll dump the whole damn lot over

the side oh peter

anything you say down

oh there goes our party what party

oh babs and family were coming over with

our tent

well i don't know what you're bothering

with them for when you've got us

you mean you let me unless of course we

don't appeal to you in that way

let's go to your tent go on

you're not gonna be sick again are you

only if you stop that

[Music]

oh

[Music]

thanks

[Music]

i'll be so worried about you i thought

i'd better come and keep an eye on

things very thoughtful hello mother

well what you're gonna ask me

oh dear the rams loose

that's not the only one

[Music]

you