Original subtitles

Ladies, who dropped the fart bomb?

My name is Daniel Petronijevic.

I'm an actor...

You ever seen the Milky Way over Lake Titicaca?

...and I've played a ton of blue collar jobs on TV.

May the welding gods be with us.

But I've always wondered,

do I have what it takes to do it in real life?

Well...

We're about to find out...

'Cause this is Blue Collar.

Look at that.

It's the crack of dawn, and I'm in the

beautiful countryside at Bellson Farms.

175-acre dairy operation run by the Campbell family.

And by the smell of things,

I'm about to get myself into a ton of cow shit.

Cow boss! Yoo!

Moo!

- Good morning! - Good morning, sir!

- You must be Andrew. - You must be Dan.

That's right, good to meet ya.

It's great to have you on the farm.

You know, it's early,

but I'm ready for pulling tits.

No, you're doing that here.

Oh.

The robots are gonna milk the cows for us.

- Robots? - Robots do the milking.

We still have a pile to do in there.

I'm ready to work.

- One question. - Yeah?

Are your robots sexbots?

- They are not. - Damn.

Alright, welcome to Cow Palace.

Every morning, we're actually gonna

start here by checking the computer,

which is gonna monitor everything

that's happened in the barn overnight.

You're gonna have to talk slowly because

Grog not good at technology.

Well, we've got how much milk

they're producing every day.

They ate 283 minutes yesterday.

Each cow?

They spend a lot of time eating.

Then we're gonna check the health report.

Okay...

We've got a few cows

that are close to having a calf.

Will I get to help deliver a calf?

Um, hopefully not.

They usually do it on their own.

We're also going to check our Fetch Cow list.

What is a Fetch Cow?

Generally, cows will be going to

the robot whenever they want.

Except there's a couple of lazy cows.

They're the ones that haven't come to

the robot milker on their own.

So, we've gotta go find them

and encourage them to go to the robot.

All this just tells you all this, right here?

All of this, thanks to the collar.

It's gonna identify them, and then right here is

gonna be what tracks how much they eat,

how much they chew their cud,

how much they move around the barn.

And how does it do it, by just sensing

the muscles in their neck?

That's exactly it.

Is this common, for farmers to have

this kind of operation?

It is the most common way to build

a new dairy barn today.

- Really? - Is with robots.

Mm-mm-mm, I am a robot.

Let's go. This way. Mm-hm-mm-hm.

With your list.

It is a palace.

It's like the Taj Mahal or something.

We just try to make sure that whether

it's the air, the temperature,

the lights, even robot feed pushers...

Robot feed pushers?

All look after and automate to make sure

whatever the cow needs, she's got.

I don't understand how it milks it.

Well, this one's the feed pusher robot.

That one's the milking robot over there.

The big ones?

I thought there'd be a bunch of little ones like that

just walking around pulling tits.

No, cows, they go off to the robot, themselves.

That's incredible.

I'd take the collar off though.

Why? Are the girls getting jealous?

875 is due to be milked.

- Oh, yay. - And anal probed.

No.

We have a lot of work to do today.

Sir, you put me right to work and I'll make you proud.

Best part about this place is I can walk around

farting the whole time and no one knows.

No one's gonna notice.

Well, who are we getting first?

Alright, well, let's find Patti first. 841.

Here, Patti, Patti, Patti, Patti, Patti, Patti!

Some of them are darker,

and some of them have more white.

Do you know offhand if Patti's got a little more

white or a little more black?

Patti is black and white.

Well, they're all black and white.

Hey, this little lady's licking my bum.

She knows the way to my heart.

She just is friendly to ya.

Oh, there's a waterfall of piss.

841. Patti, right here.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

We have a winner.

Look, she just went in the pen.

- Go, go! - Go, baby!

There, we have officially fetched Patti.

She can get milked.

Just goes in there and scrubs it all clean.

The feature that I'm most impressed with is the milker,

because it's got these little bristles that

come out to clean the teats, the nipples, if you will.

Now it's air drying it!

It's got the sucker that comes on and

attaches itself to each individual nipple.

Bingo.

Two teats, three teats...

Four teats!

And, you know, sucks it dry and calls it dusty.

And it did it with precision!

Do you think you can handle the next one

- on your own? - I think I can.

- 723 was Molly. - 723. You know me.

I saw that one have a rather large pee.

Fuck, now we're rhyming.

When you walked up to the farm at first,

I pegged you as a rapper.

This mullet says rap.

I'm not holding out a lot of hope for

Dan finding Molly.

Excuse me, are you Molly?

No, you're a cow's anus.

It's like searching for a needle in a haystack.

Or a cow in a cow stack.

Molly, Molly, Mooly, Molly, Mooly, Milly.

Molly!

Down there.

She's gone by three times since you started.

That's not true!

725, close.

732, 720, baby, three.

Molly, baby, maybe. That's her, we got her!

Why are you running from me?

Easy, girl.

Easy...

Good girl.

Oh my gosh, I think I got her.

Oh, yes.

- You did it! - I did it!

- You did it! - Yeah!

- Yeah! - I can't believe it!

We're kind of behind, so if we can get

your shovel, it's time to shovel the poop.

We gotta "moove"!

Oh, what's this thing?

Hey baby, move along, okay?

Let's go, on the move.

Do it to me, do it to me, do it, do it.

Oh, oh yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, get in there.

Oh, God, I'm going to look so handsome.

Do you know how dirty that thing is?

Oh, hi there, kids.

- Hi. - Hi.

How long have you guys been standing there?

Um... A few minutes.

- Well, I'm Dan. - I'm Cash.

- Hi. - Bella.

Bella?

I hope you like shoveling poop.

I do, Bella, thank you very much.

Let's go.

How often do you guys got to do this?

Two times a day, every day.

Two times a day, every day?

We want to keep the barn clean because

we don't want cows to slip and get hurt or get dirty.

Are there any robots here to do this?

Uh, not this part.

Bet I could shovel my half faster than you guys can.

- Race, turd cleaning. - Okay.

Get ready to have your ass whooped.

Three, two, one, go!

Get! Hey.

Done.

Hey!

Dan talks more crap than he actually shoveled,

but, uh, he did okay.

Hey, Cash, I think Grandpa's here

with the feed truck.

Huh? Food truck? Gotta go.

Fe- feed...

Feed.

Food. Hi, feed me!

You see a food truck around here?

No, this is only for the cows.

Oh. Hi, I'm Dan.

Hey, I'm Carmen.

So this is all for the cows?

Yeah, we have 64 milking cows,

and we feed about 9,000 pounds to them every day.

They also drink around a whole bathtub of water

each per day.

Well, that perfectly explains

all the piss and shit.

Yeah, this is the triticale,

which is a mixture between wheat and rye.

We have corn silage in this other bunker.

So, we have a skid steer with a loader,

and we dump all the ingredients into

this big mixer tub.

And then there's a bunch of knives in there that spin

all the feed around to mix it all together.

He's gonna dump two bucks of hay in here.

There's one.

So how many scoops of this do you put in there?

Probably around six for each silage pile.

And that adds up to around 1,000 pounds each.

Depending on how good you are on the skid steer.

Here comes load number two.

Are you Wayne?

Yes, are you the newbie?

I'm the newbie, Daniel.

Oh, geez.

I've seen you run the shovel,

- this is a little different. - Okay.

You break it, you own it.

Well, if you'll let me drive it, I will.

Okay. You know how to run one of these things?

- Yep. - Okay, get in.

- Yes, sir. - Shut the door.

What, it's not a limousine service

for shits sakes, Wayne?

Go get some feed. Get a bucket load.

Game on.

A little faster wouldn't hurt.

Jesus. Whoa, not so fast!

Okay, Dan, on the smack down.

Yep, all the way down. Yep, perfect.

Whoa! Perfect.

Don't knock too much feed off.

- Eh? - Slow down!

Okay.

Lift up and move ahead at the same time.

Lift it up, lift it up, lift it up,

lift it up, lift it up.

That thing's rubber on the top, it won't bend.

Okay, dump her.

Perfect!

- I think he's got enthusiasm. - Yeah, for sure.

I think it's, you know- There's potential.

Down, d-down! The bucket down!

Down, down, down!

- Holy shit! - Jesus!

This boy has got no time for fucking around,

I tell you, old Wayne is a hell of a driver.

I can't believe that Wayne let me ride that skid steer.

I completely thought I was going to

fuck the whole scene up, take both walls down,

spill oil everywhere and the whole place

would be turned into mayhem.

But Wayne, with his proper,

efficient, tough love and yelling.

What'd you bring half a bucket for?

I knew you were gonna yell at me for that!

Hurry up.

This guy from the city, or where's he from?

Has he ever done anything?

- From the city. - Oh, yeah, okay.

This is the most fun I've had all day.

Slow down!

Okay, now you want to feather this in.

Watch your scale.

Whoa, whoa, give it back, give it back!

Back, back, back! Too much.

You're over too much.

- Too much? - You're 56 pounds over.

- Holy shit! - That's one whole cow!

These cows are eating better than I am.

Dan's doing great, you know, he's learning.

Neither one of us had faith in ya.

You assholes!

Oops, sorry, baby.

The milk truck just pulled up.

They come every two days and

pick up 5,000 litres every time.

All right, into the robot room.

Holy, this is huge.

- They'll get milked. - Yeah?

Milk will come...

into this jar. 2,400 litres a day.

And then pumped to the tank,

and the milk truck will take it away.

She's pumping.

Our milk is tested every single time

it leaves the farm.

How much butterfat is in it,

how much protein is in it, and that's actually

what we're paid for, not actual litres.

Kids!

Milk truck came, milk truck went.

Time for lunch or what?

You don't eat until we eat.

And we don't eat until all the chores are done.

- Everything? - Everything.

These kids are crazy.

Hey, my little baby cow.

- Dan! - I'm working.

No, you're not, that's not what my eyes are seeing.

Look, look? See?

Can we go eat now?

Still gotta scrub water bowls and spread this around.

Scrub.

Is that clean enough for you, Colonel?

Can only tell it's clean

when you can see your reflection.

Right now, we need to get that little one fed.

She's having a nice, relaxing nap.

The computer says that she hasn't

had enough milk today. She needs more.

Well, if we need to get her up...

Come here, little Betsy. Get up.

- Her name is Sojo. - Sojo.

Come on, pudding baby.

Now we gotta guide her to the robot.

Here we go.

- There. - Just like that.

So now what? You gotta go get a bottle

and put it in the microwave for her?

Nope. The robot is feeding her.

When they walk in,

the sensor scans their ears for those ear tags.

So it knows it's in there?

- Yeah. - Yes.

She needs to have at least six liters a day.

She's had four so far.

She's gonna drink all six?

She has to.

Don't be so greedy, little diddums.

What are you doing, you funny thing?

She's a nice little lady.

I bet we can find better.

What do you mean you can find better?

We have other cows that we bring to

different dairy shows and we show them off.

You're trying to tell me you've got some

that are more beautiful than my little baby, Sojo?

- Yes. - Possibly.

I do not believe this for a second.

- You wanna see? - Let's see it.

Whose is whose?

Mine is the white one.

Her name is Phandoma.

Mine is 890 over there.

- What's its name? - Sapphire.

Well, I wanna be a cow shower.

Which one do I get?

You get that one.

That one's Nutmeg.

Nutmeg? Oh, you beauty.

Nutmeg, I'm gonna make you the

showiest show calf in the land.

Did you just say you're gonna show a calf?

Yes.

I'd actually kinda like to see that.

We're gonna have to go through

a strict training regimen.

You know, probably have to change her to

the carnivore diet.

Stiff workout in the morning, protein all day,

workout at night, and then, uh,

we're gonna have to work on our dance routine, so...

You think you can do as well as the kids?

Ha, they're kids. Nutmeg, fetch.

She needs a little work.

Nutmeg. I've got this.

Probably not.

We're in this field of straw bales.

We've gotta pick them up fast.

Clouds are getting dark, it's gonna rain,

so Dan's gonna come along to help us.

Really?

Going on a tractor, ride in the field.

Do you wanna drive this thing?

I will drive the shit outta this thing.

You will drive the shit outta this thing?

Oh my God. Look ma, I made it.

And then all you gotta do is

drive straight here.

You got it.

Slow it down.

Oh, look at that.

Look at that. So, can I ride with Wayne?

Ooh, daddy likes driving big tanks with spears on them.

Can I get in with you?

You look like you're having more fun.

It's like you're a skid steer, the same way.

Okay, go forward. I don't care.

What are you gonna do?

Okay, you're.

Try to get your spears in the middle of the bale.

Okay, ho. Okay, wrap. Stop.

This is funner than hell.

Okay, whoa. Stop, stop.

Okay, put 'er down.

Put 'er down, yeah, back out now.

Put the thing in shuttle. Back, reverse.

Easy, easy, easy.

So, you're gonna have R and F.

You got it on Drive. Slow down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You don't want to back into the corn!

Put it into forward, would ya?

Forward!

Suppose your hair's in your eyes.

You can't see shit.

Perfect. Look at that, one motion!

- Holy! - Now swing over, yeah.

Swing over, baby. Look at that.

Sweet. Oh, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, fuck! Okay.

Tip it on.

Now I gotta go forward, no?

- No, no you don't! - No?

No, you're all right.

You missed them other ones already.

What's the big deal if you miss these?

Fuck, I don't know!

How long have you lived here?

Andrew was about two when we moved here in '87.

And all the kids lived here

and they grew up on the farm here.

It's really, really sweet.

- They're living the dream. - Living the dream.

It's tougher than hell, but it's living the dream.

Did you see that?

Boys let me drive the army tank with spears on the front.

Jesus.

That being said, we gotta get the

bales back to the barn and

we gotta get it done fast. Wayne, Andrew!

Can I drive again?

- Cheers. - Mm.

I'm glad we got that done today

because I think we'll get rain tonight.

Yeah, I think you're probably right.

Nothing better than laying back and chilling out,

not doing a damn thing more.

- Pardon? - What?

Well, we're, we're not done.

We're not done.

What do you mean we're not done?

It never really is done.

We've still gotta recheck everything in the barn.

We got a couple of things to prep for tomorrow.

Trish the vet's coming tomorrow.

So maybe we'll see if you can't pick up

a thing or two from her. Like, we can sit

for a few minutes, don't get me wrong.

- Like, take five. - Yeah.

Then we'll get back to it.

I, I, honestly, I think five's probably too much.

Yeah.

What is it exactly we're doing

with the vet tomorrow?

What's so funny?

Hey, Dan. Come on over here.

I want you to meet our vet, Trish.

- Hi, how you doing? - How's it going?

Oh, hi. You must've had a fall.

I did, right into a cow.

You wanna get covered in shit?

Pardon me?

Do you wanna get covered in shit?

Well, not particularly, but...

anything for the, the cows. I mean, uh...

- They need you. - They do?

Today we're pregnancy checking.

Okay.

As well as cycle checking if they haven't

been bred yet. So this is my ultrasound,

and the image goes to my goggles.

Okay.

The uterus is down here, rectum's here.

Yeah?

And then we scan through the wall of the

rectum into the uterus and try to find a baby.

Babies are in the vagina.

They're not in the vagina,

they're in the freaking uterus.

If it was me, I'd be going in the front bum,

not the back bum.

We look at them through the rectum.

Andrew, which one's next?

This one's next here, guys.

Okay. This one is pregnant.

So I will show you.

Holy fuck!

Just go easy on her a little, for God sakes.

When I said behind the scenes,

this isn't exactly what I meant.

Why do you have to perform this procedure?

They do lose their pregnancies

about 10% of the time.

A cow that's not pregnant is on a fast track to, uh,

fast food.

Because a cow has to be pregnant to make milk?

Exactly. Ooh...

She doesn't seem to mind at all.

They don't mind, when you're gentle.

Sometimes it even relaxes them.

- Really? - Yeah.

Is this cows or...

- Everything in general? - I don't know.

There's the picture of the baby.

Do you see a blob in the middle of black?

I do. Hi, little baby diddums.

You got plenty to look forward to.

Oh, I can see she loved it.

So do you wanna- DAN: Yeah, I'd love to.

Do you want to suit up?

Sure, yeah, let's suit up.

You can put this over-

Okay, go like this.

All right. There's never enough lube.

I agree. Easy, baby. Easy.

- Top hole. - Top hole?

- Top hole. - I'm working on it.

Okay, this is a little weird. Gee,

it's a little tougher than I thought to get in there.

Told you. It's warm, tight.

Now what?

- Engage? - Engage.

Okay, what I see is nothing.

Gently... Gently.

Ah, there it is.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Looks like you can see its leg.

- Andrew? - Yeah?

You're about to become a daddy.

It won't be mine.

Have a little respect for the mother, for God sakes.

Hey, where's my watch?

Nutmeg is calling you.

You better go look after her.

She's just a baby!

Have some decency, man.

Well, I'm finished looking for baby cows in

big cows' anuses and I'm not actually that traumatized.

Now it's time to get my sweet little Nutmeg

ready for the big show.

These kids are going down.

Hope you're good at catching stuff

'cause you're gonna need it.

Watch me lead.

Oh, Nutmeg...

Yes, good morning, sweetheart.

She's a very nice girl.

Girl... There we are.

- Good job, Dan. - Thank you.

That was a cinch.

I'll catch your cows for you.

The white one over there is Phandoma,

that's mine.

See if you can catch that wild beast.

You see, children, the thing is,

is you've got to be one with the animal.

Moo.

Easy.

Ooh!

Pull it, pull it.

Shit.

Get over here, you...

What?! Phandoma.

Okay, I give up.

Don't worry, we have a defibrillator on site.

How dare you?

Catching Phandoma was like trying to catch a greased-up

pig on a trampoline, while blindfolded.

Not that I know what that's like.

Got it, watch your hands.

- Voila. Perfect. - Ah, finally.

Listen, little baby.

I know, we gotta get around your necks, yes,

and your baby diddums ears.

Oh, yes.

It's not just about your calf,

but it's also about you.

You wanna have smile,

but not too much smile.

You're saying I should smile like this?

No, you're gonna look like a weirdo.

You wanna smile like this.

A little bit of smile, a little bit of serious

at the same time.

Happy, not too happy?

Okay, I gotta work on this shit.

I don't know.

So after we're finished-

No!

It's shitting on my cow that I just cleaned.

- Ah. - Oh.

Not bad.

See how she has good control over the calf?

Head up, facial expression.

You're gonna need that in the ring.

Ah, shit.

Washed, shaved, shampooed our calves,

now we're ready to show.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here

to witness Dan's showmanship debut.

You and your mullet, you're going down.

Bella, Cash, Dan,

you may bring your calf to the judging area.

You don't know how to lead a cow, you runt.

There are three things the judges

- will be looking for. - Excuse me?

I don't want to have any disrespect now.

First, the showmen and their appearance.

Second, your calf and how well

you groomed them today.

And third and most important

is how you walk your calf.

Yes, yes, come on.

Can already tell we've got this one in the bag.

Everybody line up.

Why are we lining them up with their asses?

We're not judging them on their eyes.

Fair enough, and I've got an exceptional one.

I expect appropriate examination of all booty.

See?

Judges, how do we feel that Dan

measured up against the experts?

This is our moment.

I think Dan did fairly well showing his calf.

I think he's learned a lot about what we do

around the farm. Good job, Dan.

You did a okay job for your first time.

I didn't believe you'd last that long.

I will consider you family, though.

Anytime you want to come,

you're more than welcome here.

- Step-papa? - Okay.

- Dirty daddy? - No.

For trying your best,

I present you with a Holstein statue.

Nutmeg, did you see what we won together?

Go on, have a suckle. I know, they're tiny.

This has been great.

Bellson Farms is absolutely awesome.

This is truly a magical, robotical place,

the likes of which I have never really experienced.

Thanks a lot for showing the people what blue-collar

workers are like, and the integrity and grit of the

Bellson Farm and the Campbell family.

Come on.

Dan, the barn's over here.

- Dan! - Dan!

Two days of solid work, two cows.

DAN Moving on to the next Blue Collar.

- Dan, come back! - Oh, gosh.

- Dan! - Dan!

Have you ever been to Vegas?

Rockabye Nutmeg,

that cow pooed on you.

It's nothing we couldn't fix

with a lot of shampoo.