Original subtitles

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Debbie

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Debbie

Welcome to the Daily Show. I'm Debbie Leic. We've got so much to talk about

Leic. We've got so much to talk about

Leic. We've got so much to talk about tonight. Lindsey Graham is a Disney

tonight. Lindsey Graham is a Disney

tonight. Lindsey Graham is a Disney princess. Major League Baseball is

princess. Major League Baseball is

princess. Major League Baseball is giving you a stomach ache. And Pete

giving you a stomach ache. And Pete

giving you a stomach ache. And Pete Hexith gives a speech that makes you

Hexith gives a speech that makes you

Hexith gives a speech that makes you hope he's drinking again. So, let's get

hope he's drinking again. So, let's get

hope he's drinking again. So, let's get into the headlines.

Let's kick things off with Christine

Let's kick things off with Christine

Let's kick things off with Christine Gnome, former Secretary of Homeland

Gnome, former Secretary of Homeland

Gnome, former Secretary of Homeland Security and the inciting incident in

Security and the inciting incident in

Security and the inciting incident in All Dogs GO TO HEAVEN.

All Dogs GO TO HEAVEN.

All Dogs GO TO HEAVEN. SHE'S HAD A BAD TIME RECENTLY. She lost

SHE'S HAD A BAD TIME RECENTLY. She lost

SHE'S HAD A BAD TIME RECENTLY. She lost her job. We found out about her affair

her job. We found out about her affair

her job. We found out about her affair and how it happened on a taxpayer funded

and how it happened on a taxpayer funded

and how it happened on a taxpayer funded plane.

plane.

plane. She really needs to just lay low and

She really needs to just lay low and

She really needs to just lay low and stay out of the headlines. Sorry, what's

stay out of the headlines. Sorry, what's

stay out of the headlines. Sorry, what's that?

that?

that? >> Former Homeland Security Chief Christy

>> Former Homeland Security Chief Christy

>> Former Homeland Security Chief Christy Gnome is said to be stunned by reports

Gnome is said to be stunned by reports

Gnome is said to be stunned by reports that her husband may be leading a

that her husband may be leading a

that her husband may be leading a cross-dressing double life. According to

cross-dressing double life. According to

cross-dressing double life. According to the Daily Mail, Gnome's 56-year-old

the Daily Mail, Gnome's 56-year-old

the Daily Mail, Gnome's 56-year-old husband, Brian, is a secret crossdresser

husband, Brian, is a secret crossdresser

husband, Brian, is a secret crossdresser who wears gigantic fake boobs and wears

who wears gigantic fake boobs and wears

who wears gigantic fake boobs and wears pink hot pants while he chats online

pink hot pants while he chats online

pink hot pants while he chats online with fetish models who have gigantic

with fetish models who have gigantic

with fetish models who have gigantic breasts.

I can't believe the lady banging her

I can't believe the lady banging her

I can't believe the lady banging her employee on a plane is the less messy

employee on a plane is the less messy

employee on a plane is the less messy one in their marriage.

one in their marriage.

one in their marriage. You know what? You live your truth,

You know what? You live your truth,

You know what? You live your truth, Brian. Oh, she can dress up and you

Brian. Oh, she can dress up and you

Brian. Oh, she can dress up and you can't. That

can't. That

can't. That you know what?

If she had an affair, you have a free

If she had an affair, you have a free

If she had an affair, you have a free pass. You can do whatever you want. I

pass. You can do whatever you want. I

pass. You can do whatever you want. I support you and your beautiful lazy eyed

support you and your beautiful lazy eyed

support you and your beautiful lazy eyed balloon nipples.

balloon nipples.

balloon nipples. Oh, truly, I have never felt more seen.

Oh, truly, I have never felt more seen.

Oh, truly, I have never felt more seen. You know what they say, sometimes

You know what they say, sometimes

You know what they say, sometimes they're sisters, not twins.

they're sisters, not twins.

they're sisters, not twins. Let's move on to a different type of

Let's move on to a different type of

Let's move on to a different type of inflation. The one at the gas pump.

inflation. The one at the gas pump.

inflation. The one at the gas pump. >> All right, the breaking news this

>> All right, the breaking news this

>> All right, the breaking news this morning. Gas prices in the United States

morning. Gas prices in the United States

morning. Gas prices in the United States now higher than $4 a gallon for the

now higher than $4 a gallon for the

now higher than $4 a gallon for the first time since 2022. Part of the

first time since 2022. Part of the

first time since 2022. Part of the reason basically the full closure of the

reason basically the full closure of the

reason basically the full closure of the straight of Hormuz almost no oil has

straight of Hormuz almost no oil has

straight of Hormuz almost no oil has passed out over the last month.

passed out over the last month.

passed out over the last month. >> Yeah, this sucks.

>> Yeah, this sucks.

>> Yeah, this sucks. >> We're supposed to be drill baby drill.

>> We're supposed to be drill baby drill.

>> We're supposed to be drill baby drill. We're supposed to be self-sufficient.

We're supposed to be self-sufficient.

We're supposed to be self-sufficient. >> So, how is the gas prices going up?

>> So, how is the gas prices going up?

>> So, how is the gas prices going up? >> It's too expensive, puppy.

>> It's too expensive, puppy.

>> It's too expensive, puppy. >> You know, I might buy me a horse or

>> You know, I might buy me a horse or

>> You know, I might buy me a horse or something.

something.

something. >> Yes, that sir is a great idea. Horses

>> Yes, that sir is a great idea. Horses

>> Yes, that sir is a great idea. Horses drink much less gasoline.

drink much less gasoline.

drink much less gasoline. By the way, this is how much Americans

By the way, this is how much Americans

By the way, this is how much Americans hate Teslas now. They're just like, "How

hate Teslas now. They're just like, "How

hate Teslas now. They're just like, "How do I stop using so much gas? Maybe a

do I stop using so much gas? Maybe a

do I stop using so much gas? Maybe a horse."

horse."

horse." But it doesn't matter how many horses we

But it doesn't matter how many horses we

But it doesn't matter how many horses we buy. Oil prices won't come down until

buy. Oil prices won't come down until

buy. Oil prices won't come down until the street of Hormuz is as open as

the street of Hormuz is as open as

the street of Hormuz is as open as Christine Gnome's marriage.

Christine Gnome's marriage.

Christine Gnome's marriage. President Trump, President Trump, it was

President Trump, President Trump, it was

President Trump, President Trump, it was your stupid war that closed it in the

your stupid war that closed it in the

your stupid war that closed it in the first place. Do you have any suggestions

first place. Do you have any suggestions

first place. Do you have any suggestions for how to open it back up?

for how to open it back up?

for how to open it back up? >> All of those countries that can't get

>> All of those countries that can't get

>> All of those countries that can't get jet fuel because of the Straight of

jet fuel because of the Straight of

jet fuel because of the Straight of Hormuz, I have a suggestion for you.

Hormuz, I have a suggestion for you.

Hormuz, I have a suggestion for you. Build up some delayed courage. Go to the

Build up some delayed courage. Go to the

Build up some delayed courage. Go to the straight and just take it. You'll have

straight and just take it. You'll have

straight and just take it. You'll have to start learning how to fight for

to start learning how to fight for

to start learning how to fight for yourselves. Go get your own oil.

>> So, just to get this straight, you

>> So, just to get this straight, you

>> So, just to get this straight, you started a war that caused the straight

started a war that caused the straight

started a war that caused the straight of Hormoose to be closed and now you

of Hormoose to be closed and now you

of Hormoose to be closed and now you want someone else to figure out how to

want someone else to figure out how to

want someone else to figure out how to open it. It's the mil it's the Middle

open it. It's the mil it's the Middle

open it. It's the mil it's the Middle East. It's not a toilet in the second

East. It's not a toilet in the second

East. It's not a toilet in the second floor office bathroom. If you clogged

floor office bathroom. If you clogged

floor office bathroom. If you clogged it, it's your job to unclog it.

it, it's your job to unclog it.

it, it's your job to unclog it. Unless Unless no one saw you go in and

Unless Unless no one saw you go in and

Unless Unless no one saw you go in and then you blame it on Michael Costa.

>> You know what? Forget him. Maybe someone

>> You know what? Forget him. Maybe someone

>> You know what? Forget him. Maybe someone else can help us figure out exactly

else can help us figure out exactly

else can help us figure out exactly what's going on with this war. Pete

what's going on with this war. Pete

what's going on with this war. Pete Hexith, you're smarter than Donald

Hexith, you're smarter than Donald

Hexith, you're smarter than Donald Trump. Well, you're more qualified than

Trump. Well, you're more qualified than

Trump. Well, you're more qualified than Donald Well, you're you're not Donald

Donald Well, you're you're not Donald

Donald Well, you're you're not Donald Trump. So, what's your take? This new

Trump. So, what's your take? This new

Trump. So, what's your take? This new regime, because regime change has

regime, because regime change has

regime, because regime change has occurred,

occurred,

occurred, should be wiser than the last.

should be wiser than the last.

should be wiser than the last. >> Wait,

>> Wait,

>> Wait, new regime? You killed the Ayatollah and

new regime? You killed the Ayatollah and

new regime? You killed the Ayatollah and they replaced him with an even more

they replaced him with an even more

they replaced him with an even more hardline son. That is the opposite of

hardline son. That is the opposite of

hardline son. That is the opposite of regime change. That is regime maxing.

regime change. That is regime maxing.

regime change. That is regime maxing. Please,

please give us a plan. You were in the

please give us a plan. You were in the

please give us a plan. You were in the region this weekend. What did you see?

region this weekend. What did you see?

region this weekend. What did you see? >> I had a chance to bear witness

>> I had a chance to bear witness

>> I had a chance to bear witness and I witnessed the best of America.

and I witnessed the best of America.

and I witnessed the best of America. >> Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Pete, don't

>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Pete, don't

>> Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Pete, don't try to be poetic. Don't do that.

try to be poetic. Don't do that.

try to be poetic. Don't do that. >> In my mind's eye,

>> In my mind's eye,

>> In my mind's eye, I'm actually looking out at the groups I

I'm actually looking out at the groups I

I'm actually looking out at the groups I met this weekend, those maintainers. So,

met this weekend, those maintainers. So,

met this weekend, those maintainers. So, we walked up at sunset with the chill in

we walked up at sunset with the chill in

we walked up at sunset with the chill in the air on the flight line. I met a

the air on the flight line. I met a

the air on the flight line. I met a junior airman. As the sun was going down

junior airman. As the sun was going down

junior airman. As the sun was going down and a chill was setting on the tarmac, I

and a chill was setting on the tarmac, I

and a chill was setting on the tarmac, I did the same with his boss,

did the same with his boss,

did the same with his boss, a colonel with a heart the size of Texas

a colonel with a heart the size of Texas

a colonel with a heart the size of Texas and a beautiful deployment mustache to

and a beautiful deployment mustache to

and a beautiful deployment mustache to match.

Kind of got weirdly horny at the end.

Kind of got weirdly horny at the end.

Kind of got weirdly horny at the end. A heart the size of Texas, an ass as

A heart the size of Texas, an ass as

A heart the size of Texas, an ass as tight as Idaho,

tight as Idaho,

tight as Idaho, and a penis the shape of Rhode Island.

and a penis the shape of Rhode Island.

and a penis the shape of Rhode Island. Okay, you know what? Forget Pete Hexes.

Okay, you know what? Forget Pete Hexes.

Okay, you know what? Forget Pete Hexes. I know who can help us figure out this

I know who can help us figure out this

I know who can help us figure out this war. Lindsey Graham, senator from South

war. Lindsey Graham, senator from South

war. Lindsey Graham, senator from South Carolina and living Confederate

Carolina and living Confederate

Carolina and living Confederate monument.

monument.

monument. Because when I tell you that he has been

Because when I tell you that he has been

Because when I tell you that he has been wanting to go to war for a long time, I

wanting to go to war for a long time, I

wanting to go to war for a long time, I mean a long time.

mean a long time.

mean a long time. >> I would urge President Trump to go all

>> I would urge President Trump to go all

>> I would urge President Trump to go all in to make sure that when this operation

in to make sure that when this operation

in to make sure that when this operation is over, there's nothing left standing

is over, there's nothing left standing

is over, there's nothing left standing in Iran regarding their nuclear program.

in Iran regarding their nuclear program.

in Iran regarding their nuclear program. We're going to blow up all your oil

We're going to blow up all your oil

We're going to blow up all your oil refineries. Hit Iran. Blow it off the

refineries. Hit Iran. Blow it off the

refineries. Hit Iran. Blow it off the map. Don't underrate killing them all.

map. Don't underrate killing them all.

map. Don't underrate killing them all. >> The interest

>> The interest

>> The interest >> that gets everybody's attention. It is

>> that gets everybody's attention. It is

>> that gets everybody's attention. It is now time for them to pay a price. will

now time for them to pay a price. will

now time for them to pay a price. will use uh military force, destroy the air

use uh military force, destroy the air

use uh military force, destroy the air force, sink their navy.

force, sink their navy.

force, sink their navy. >> We need to look at military options. We

>> We need to look at military options. We

>> We need to look at military options. We should destroy their ability to make

should destroy their ability to make

should destroy their ability to make conventional war. I think it's better to

conventional war. I think it's better to

conventional war. I think it's better to use military force than it is to allow

use military force than it is to allow

use military force than it is to allow them to have a nuclear weapon. The most

them to have a nuclear weapon. The most

them to have a nuclear weapon. The most dangerous thing in the world in my

dangerous thing in the world in my

dangerous thing in the world in my opinion would be the regime in Iran

opinion would be the regime in Iran

opinion would be the regime in Iran possessing a nuclear weapon. And if

possessing a nuclear weapon. And if

possessing a nuclear weapon. And if military force is necessary, then so be

military force is necessary, then so be

military force is necessary, then so be it.

>> Wow. Okay. He's been going after Iran

>> Wow. Okay. He's been going after Iran

>> Wow. Okay. He's been going after Iran since before I was even born. Don't

since before I was even born. Don't

since before I was even born. Don't Google it. Don't believe it.

Google it. Don't believe it.

Google it. Don't believe it. >> Seriously, Graham is more excited about

>> Seriously, Graham is more excited about

>> Seriously, Graham is more excited about blowing things up than Christine Gnome's

blowing things up than Christine Gnome's

blowing things up than Christine Gnome's husband.

Point is, surely this guy knows what's

Point is, surely this guy knows what's

Point is, surely this guy knows what's going on with this war. In fact, he's

going on with this war. In fact, he's

going on with this war. In fact, he's probably sitting in the situation room

probably sitting in the situation room

probably sitting in the situation room as we speak.

as we speak.

as we speak. >> Republican Senator Lindsey Graham

>> Republican Senator Lindsey Graham

>> Republican Senator Lindsey Graham spotted by TMZ at Disney World. You can

spotted by TMZ at Disney World. You can

spotted by TMZ at Disney World. You can see him carrying a bubble wand at the

see him carrying a bubble wand at the

see him carrying a bubble wand at the Magic Kingdom, dining at Chef Mickey's,

Magic Kingdom, dining at Chef Mickey's,

Magic Kingdom, dining at Chef Mickey's, and even in line to ride Space Mountain.

and even in line to ride Space Mountain.

and even in line to ride Space Mountain. Are youing kidding me? Lind Lindsey

Are youing kidding me? Lind Lindsey

Are youing kidding me? Lind Lindsey Graham went to Disney World. I know

Graham went to Disney World. I know

Graham went to Disney World. I know going to war with Iran was important to

going to war with Iran was important to

going to war with Iran was important to him, but I didn't know it was a Super

him, but I didn't know it was a Super

him, but I didn't know it was a Super Bowl.

Bowl.

Bowl. By the way, for any Jets fans out there,

By the way, for any Jets fans out there,

By the way, for any Jets fans out there, the winning team at the Super Bowl

the winning team at the Super Bowl

the winning team at the Super Bowl traditionally goes to Disney World.

traditionally goes to Disney World.

traditionally goes to Disney World. Oh,

Oh,

Oh, also the Super Bowl is the last game of

also the Super Bowl is the last game of

also the Super Bowl is the last game of an NFL season.

an NFL season.

an NFL season. >> You know what? We don't have time for

>> You know what? We don't have time for

>> You know what? We don't have time for all this. I'm sure he was there to do

all this. I'm sure he was there to do

all this. I'm sure he was there to do all the normal things adults do at

all the normal things adults do at

all the normal things adults do at Disney World, like eating your body

Disney World, like eating your body

Disney World, like eating your body weight and dip and dots or showing your

weight and dip and dots or showing your

weight and dip and dots or showing your boobs on Splash Mountain.

boobs on Splash Mountain.

boobs on Splash Mountain. Or maybe he went to see that new Olaf

Or maybe he went to see that new Olaf

Or maybe he went to see that new Olaf robot that everyone's talking about.

robot that everyone's talking about.

robot that everyone's talking about. Olaf the animatronic here at Disney had

Olaf the animatronic here at Disney had

Olaf the animatronic here at Disney had currently had its first public

currently had its first public

currently had its first public malfunction. Just dropping back.

>> I can't believe Mitch McConnell was also

>> I can't believe Mitch McConnell was also

>> I can't believe Mitch McConnell was also at Disney.

What are the odds?

What are the odds?

What are the odds? But if you're angry that Lindsey Graham

But if you're angry that Lindsey Graham

But if you're angry that Lindsey Graham is at the Magic Kingdom while the

is at the Magic Kingdom while the

is at the Magic Kingdom while the country is in a war he pushed for, don't

country is in a war he pushed for, don't

country is in a war he pushed for, don't worry. He has an almost plausible

worry. He has an almost plausible

worry. He has an almost plausible explanation.

explanation.

explanation. >> He says, "Look, you know, I was in

>> He says, "Look, you know, I was in

>> He says, "Look, you know, I was in Florida because I had a meeting with

Florida because I had a meeting with

Florida because I had a meeting with Steve Wickoff, one of President Trump's

Steve Wickoff, one of President Trump's

Steve Wickoff, one of President Trump's people, where they were talking about

people, where they were talking about

people, where they were talking about normaling relations between Saudi and

normaling relations between Saudi and

normaling relations between Saudi and Israel.

Israel.

Israel. >> Was in Florida on meetings and just

>> Was in Florida on meetings and just

>> Was in Florida on meetings and just decided to swing by Disney World.

>> Just decided to swing by Disney World."

>> Just decided to swing by Disney World."

>> Just decided to swing by Disney World." No, it is impossible to swing by Disney

No, it is impossible to swing by Disney

No, it is impossible to swing by Disney World. Oh. Uh, babe, I'm just going to

World. Oh. Uh, babe, I'm just going to

World. Oh. Uh, babe, I'm just going to swing by Disney World. Want me to pick

swing by Disney World. Want me to pick

swing by Disney World. Want me to pick you up a $30 turkey leg? I'll be back in

you up a $30 turkey leg? I'll be back in

you up a $30 turkey leg? I'll be back in three days. No. Going to Disney without

three days. No. Going to Disney without

three days. No. Going to Disney without a serious plan would be like, I don't

a serious plan would be like, I don't

a serious plan would be like, I don't know, attacking Iran without a serious

know, attacking Iran without a serious

know, attacking Iran without a serious plan.

And

And

And >> even Lindsey Graham knew that excuse

>> even Lindsey Graham knew that excuse

>> even Lindsey Graham knew that excuse didn't work. So, he's moved on to

didn't work. So, he's moved on to

didn't work. So, he's moved on to overcompensating.

overcompensating.

overcompensating. on Twitter. He's posting photos of a

on Twitter. He's posting photos of a

on Twitter. He's posting photos of a different flavor. One of him in South

different flavor. One of him in South

different flavor. One of him in South Carolina carrying a gun.

Carolina carrying a gun.

Carolina carrying a gun. >> Oh, honey.

>> Oh, honey.

>> Oh, honey. No one's buying that. You can tell he's

No one's buying that. You can tell he's

No one's buying that. You can tell he's not happy out there in the woods. He

not happy out there in the woods. He

not happy out there in the woods. He wants to be where the people are. He

wants to be where the people are. He

wants to be where the people are. He wants to see want to see him dancing.

wants to see want to see him dancing.

wants to see want to see him dancing. >> But clearly he felt the backlash. By the

>> But clearly he felt the backlash. By the

>> But clearly he felt the backlash. By the way, can we see what he was hunting out

way, can we see what he was hunting out

way, can we see what he was hunting out there?

Unfortunately, Olaf will be replaced by

Unfortunately, Olaf will be replaced by

Unfortunately, Olaf will be replaced by his son, who is also named Olaf and who

his son, who is also named Olaf and who

his son, who is also named Olaf and who may be even more hardline than his

may be even more hardline than his

may be even more hardline than his father, or as we call it now, regime

father, or as we call it now, regime

father, or as we call it now, regime Change.