All language subtitles for nochyte

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L.A. is like nowhere.

Everybody who lives here is lost.

Hey, Dark.

Hey, what, Mel?

You want me to...?

Yeah.

Well, then.

Beg for it.

Beg me.

Hi.

My name's Montgomery.

Hi.

You've got the deepest,
blackest eyes I've ever seen.

It's like I could just
tumble right into them,

and fall forever.

I just love the smell of fear

and boy mixed together.

Don't you, Kriss?

What are you gawking at?

Looks like we've got a deviant
on our hands here, Kozy.

We just hate, hate, hate

any sort of deviation from the norm.

Deviants are the scourge contaminating

this... great... nation.

Dark!

Dark, are you in there
flogging the puppy again?

Let me in, I gotta wash
this crap off my face.

Mom, can you wait just a sec, please?

Honey, I have to rot my life
away in a 9 to 5 hell hole

to support your lazy, juvenile
delinquent ass, remember?

Sweetheart.

Chipmunk.

My little ray of sunshine.

Open up this mother humpin' door now!

Jesus, can you hold on?

Cripes, it's as soggy
as an armpit in here.

How long have you been in
that shower abusing yourself?

You pump your handle
too much, young man,

it's gonna wither up and fall off.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!

Bitch.

Ew!

[Homework/March 25]

Mel, I gotta make a documentary
about somebody I care about

and it's due next Wednesday.

And whoever said you
care about me anyways?

Didn't I give you Cap'n
Crunch decoder ring

back in the sixth grade?

That was Angelique
Tewksbury, dorkball.

Oh... hey, take your shirt off.

Come on, it'll give
Professor Starkweather

a boner and he'll give me an A.

I'm sure. Take your Prozac, Dark.

What's the matter? You scared?

No.

Think of the scandal.

Everyone in class
will be all outraged.

Is this what you wanna see?

Oh yeah.

Man.

City Morgue, you
stab 'em, we slab 'em.

S'up, Bonzo Dog breath?

Need a ride to class?

Nah, I'm not going.

Dark, you are totally gonna bite

the whole eight credits
you're retaking this semester.

I got some editing to
do on my 101 project.

Then, I'll probably head over
to The Hole for some chow.

Oh, maybe I'll go with.
I just got my period.

I'm in full tilt pig out mode.

Oh, and make sure
you edit my boobs out.

I do not want every wally on
campus ogling my chimichangas.

Hey, Lucifer's not with you, is she?

I cannot stomach seeing
her butt-ugly likeness

this early in the day.

Lick my box, Rover.

Clean the maggots out
of it first, you stinky oyster.

You guys.

I mean it, Mel.

I do not want to have to
look at that tarantula woman

over my morning espresso.

Don't be a seizure queen.

I'll pick you up in like 15.

Mel, I told you I'm editing.

See ya, lover boy.

How you can continue to
frog that annoying buttload

when you have someone as
sexy and rad as me around?

What would life be
without a little mystery.

Mel?

Quoi?

You wenches done in there or what?

I gotta whiz like a busted fire hose.

Finale.

Ohh, if it isn't little baby Zero.

Cut it out.

Bye.

Gross, uh?

So, you hittin'
Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Please, Zero, how did
you hear about it?

Hey.

You're not invited, shrimp skin.
You're barely old enough to shave.

Felch me.

Come on, I got a date with Zoe
and she totally wants to go.

I already scored the car from Mom.

Life sucks.

I've got the skeeviest zit sprouting
in the middle of my forehead.

It's gonna be a full on third eye by
the time we get to Jujyfruit's party.

I hate that.

What I hate is when
you get a zit way down

in your back in a spot where
you can't even reach to pop it.

If you pop a zit on your forehead,

you can get blood poisoning
and die, you know.

Lucifer, you are so dumb

you should donate your brain
to a monkey science fair.

I read it in "Mouth to
Mouth," squirtle fungus.

Mel, what's this?

What?

Dark being born.

Mature.

Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Whoa, Mel, back it up.

What?

Just back up, all right?

[GOD HELP ME]

Need a lift?

Well...

You're in my Modern
Society class, aren't you?

Yeah, I think.

Name's Dark.

It's Dark, like absence of light.

Or dork like we call him.

Cram it, fur burger.

This is Mel.
The loud mouth hag is Lucifer.

Mont... Montgomery.

We're on our way to the
Hole for some breakfast.

You wanna join?

I... I kinda have class.

We'll eat quick and drop you.

Come on.

So what's with the camcorder?
Are you in film class?

Dark thinks he's gonna
be the next Clive Barker.

Right.

Eat my turbo, will you, Lucifer?

Actually, I'm convinced
I'm gonna die soon

in, like, a spectacular plane
crash, fire, chemical explosion...

and I'm gonna film it so there'll be,
like, this cool record of my own death

'cause I take my camera
with me wherever I go.

Isn't that just so bitchin'?

Will you please just shut up?

How do you know?

Know what?

That you're gonna,
you know, die?

I feel it.

Like a prenomination.

You mean premonition?

Whatever.

No, I don't understand.

How can you have one

if you don't even know how to
pronounce the freakin' word.

I'm about to lose my temper,
Lucifer, and I am gonna deck you.

C'mon.

You guys.

Alyssa.

Oops.

Clumsy me.

Hi, Montgomery.

What are you doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be in
Thermonuclear Catastrophes class?

Yeah, well.

Hey.

Do you know what today is?

Friday.

No, dodo bird.

It's Armageddon Day.

The day the world's supposed to end.

Like, have you ever
heard of the rapture?

The Siouxsie and the Banshees album?

No, it's, like, this radical religious
movement in South Cambodia

and all these thousands of people are
giving up their worldly possessions

and leaving their families all
in preparation for the rapture,

ascending into heaven

on the day that Christ
returns to Earth,

and the world is destroyed.

And according to those
scriptures, today is that day.

Like, what are we supposed to do?

I don't know.

Alyssa!

Are you gonna join us back here

on planet Earth sometime
this decade or what?

- Hi, Dingbat.
- Hi.

- Hey, Montgomery.
- Hi.

Hey, Alyssa, me and Egg have
been waiting for like eons.

I'm coming.

Hey, Dingbat, can you help me study for
my History of Lethal Epidemics midterm?

Yeah, uhm... Sunday, nine-ish.

- Cool.
- Cool.

Are you going to the
Kick The Can game today?

Duh, yes.

Come on, I'm fully
prepared to pork major.

- Bye, Montgomery.
- Bye.

See ya.

I gotta burn these calories
fast before I blow up.

Let's go rollerblading
or something.

I'd rather have my ball hairs
burned off with an acetylene torch.

Well, that can be arranged.

I'd better get back to class.

Are you okay, man?
You look kinda pale.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I gotta go.

Well, we're on our
way out, we'll drive you.

Are you sure you
don't wanna come with?

I think I'm gonna go
to the record store.

- How now, brown cow.
- Cowboy.

Hi.

So, I'll see you later?

Yeah.

Hey, you guys playing
Kick The Can tonight?

Huh?

Kick The Can at 10 o'clock
on the old baseball field.

Before Jujyfruit's party, man.

You're gonna be there, right?

Sure.

Let's evacuate, please.

Hey, don't forget our gig at
the Buttcrack next Wednesday.

Who's opening?

Sandy Duncan's Eye and
Jayne Mansfield's Head.

Vogue.

I met the drummer for Sandy
Duncan's Eye at a party.

Reeks like a barnyard animal.

So come late then and just see us.

Bye.

Hey, have you seen Bart around today?

You know, we were supposed
to rehearse this morning

and he, like, totally flaked. Again.

Barty boy, I haven't
seen you in a golden age.

Yeah, I've been busy.

Busy jonesin', you mean, uh?

Whatev.

Come on, Handjob,
quit screwin' around.

Hey, Bart, to whom do
we owe the pleasure?

Hi, Kriss, Kozy.

We were hopin' you were
here for an appointment.

Actually, me and Handjob's were
just conducting a bit of business.

Bummer.

Isn't that a humongous bummer, Kriss?

Bart's here for my brand
of bliss today, ladies.

I don't know what to do.

It's hard enough being in
a band with your boyfriend,

but when stuff like
this starts happening,

I mean, what am I
supposed to do, fire him?

You break up, at least.

Okay, ladies.

Scarf.

Hey, so what's up with my video, man?

I'm still in the
conceptualizing stages.

Don't worry, it's gonna
blow your testes off.

Yeah?

You and Bart are, like, trapped
inside this, like, gigantic, slimy uterus.

Glug.

Are you gonna?

I promised my mom I'd
stop for a week, you?

I'm just gonna do a
bunch of speed later

and not eat for like three days.

Oh... I'm...

I'm sorry. Sorry.

Isn't that?

Oh... my... God.

Well, I guess I better
go and hunt for him.

Can you drop me at Aron's? I wanna
score the new Dead Puppies CD.

Sure.

Wait, I'm sorry. The
door was unlocked and I...

Forget about it.

What's your name?

Egg.

Well, I mean, my real name's Polly,
but my friends all call me Egg.

Egg?

Dweebie, I know, but
it just kinda stuck.

Well, hi, Egg. I'm...

I know who you are, duh.

I'm not from another dimension.

He looks shorter in person.

Well, so what? He's still a
total definition of yummy.

Oh my God, what did he say?

Nothing, really.

He just... he invited
me to go for a walk.

What?

Hey, did you hear what
happened to Marcus?

His butt hole fell out and
he has to have surgery.

Oh, Henry.

Oona-eye!

Let's go.

Are we still in reality?

My palm itches.

Where's your twin brother, Shad?

Death.

Cool.

Have I ever told you that I love you?

Stow it and pay the lady, Shad.

Watch out, breeders!

Watch out yourselves,
you freakin' lezbots.

Eat my Bermuda triangle, Shad.

Whoo!

Race!

Ouch. You all right?

Kill.

Hey, look who it is.

Hey, Jana, isn't that your
muff diving little sister

over there with her disgusting
Bosco-flavored girlfriend?

Insert it in your clammy
crevice, will you, Shannon?

Hey, I think I need to pump up again.

I could use a firm up, too.

Pukity.

Kiss it and make it better.

So what are you gonna wear
to Jujyfruit's party tonight?

Clothes.

Can I borrow your Human
Sexology notes from last Friday?

Am I, like, the only person on this
cosmic plane who ever goes to class?

Hey, do you think Montgomery likes me?

He's weird.

- You think?
- Yo, Alyssa!

- Hey, Ducky.
- Hi, Ducky.

I just woke up.

Really?

You guys hear Muriel's in Cedar Sinai?

Who's Muriel?

My stepmom. She's like way anorexic.

Passed out in her
low-impact aerobics class

and they had to carry
her out on a stretcher.

Oh, drag.

So you guys gonna be at the
Kick The Can game later?

I am.

Later, tater tots.

All right.

Hi, Elvis.

Where you been?

Places. Get on.

What does she see in that scuzz ball?

You smell like a wet dog.

Complaining?

Nope.

Meow.

Hey, you seen Egg? It's her
turn to recycle the aluminum.

Oh my God, you haven't heard?

Your sister just left here with, not
even, you're not gonna believe this.

Do you ever watch Baywatch?

Do you think this is
completely freaky or what?

What?

You know, hanging
out with me like this?

Well, it's a little surreal, I guess.

You have no idea how sucky
it is being like a celebrity.

Everybody treats you like you're
not even a person anymore,

like you're this thing, this entity.

You're eating dinner
in some restaurant

or going to the movies or whatever,
and people just stare and point at you

and start whispering to
their friends like you're...

like you're some
exhibit in a freak show.

Wow.

That's why I like being with you.

I mean, I don't know you
that well or anything,

but you seem, I don't
know different, neat.

Thanks.

Do you wanna sit?

Sure.

Oh my God.

Jujyfruit's party's tonight

and I have no clue who to go with.

What about Jason?

I'm going with Jason.

Well, then I'll go with Tomas.

I thought you were going with Tomas.

Tomas has a dinky weenie.

You did Tomas?

Eww, I'm sure, gross.

I thought Jason was doing Tomas.

Jason's doing that valley
slut hole, Ilene Schwartzkopf.

Untrue, says who?

Eileen.

And you believe her?

Hello, she lives in Whittier.

If Jason did Ilene, then
he must've done Richard.

Who's Richard?

Ilene's other scag.

Like she's totally into
these kinko three ways.

Ilene is a whore.

Is Richard the surfer with the hair
lip that drives the black Jetta?

No, he's got a Lexus.

I thought he hung himself?

No, he's, like, totally gorgeous.

Plus, he's got a Lexus.

Is he gay?

Who, Jason?

Richard?

Tomas.

Well, duh, what do you
think, dingleberry?

I swear, Trudi, you can be so...

Yeah, I wanna write and direct.

I have to ensure that
the artistic integrity

of this project isn't compromised.

Oh, first thing Monday.

I ever so solemnly swear.

Yeah, okay.

Ciao.

GF Christ, hold on.

Uh, coming.

Where is he?

Where is he?

He was here, like,
an hour or so ago,

but uhm... no, man,
he's not here now.

See, Barty boy has left the building.

Where'd he go, man?

Did he say where he was going?

Heaven.

He said he was taking a hike
up the old stairway to heaven.

Bye.

My hat.

Where's my hat?

So are you in school?

Studying...

I don't know, nothing.

Well, I mean, a bunch of stuff.

Nothing specific.

Well, just as long as
you're not in the industry.

I've sworn off all actresses,
models, D-girls, you name it.

Forever.

I have this fantasy.

It's probably cornball
or romantic, I know, but...

there's times when I
just wanna disappear,

meet up with someone
special and just run away,

never be heard from again.

Don't you think that'd be killer?

Me too.

I figured you'd be here.

Hey, dude.

Bart, you promised me, man.

Sorry.

Cowboy, I'm really sorry.

Bart, you've got to get clean, man.

You've got to or it's all over.

Okay, you, me, the
band, the whole falafel.

I will, Cowboy, you know I will.

I mean it this time, Bart.

Come here.

Come up here.

No, man.

Just get clean.

Look, I'll do anything to help you
through it, but we cannot do this anymore.

You get it?

No more.

I love you, dude.

Fuck.

Thirsty?

Dyin'.

So, how you doin', smiley?

Okay.

Now.

Mel?

Dark?

I love you, Mel.

Totally true and pure.

Mutual.

I just wish we didn't get together with,

like, so many other people and stuff.

Palooka, you know
that I firmly believe

that human beings are
built for sex and for love

and that we should dole
out as much as possible

before we're old and ugly and
nobody wants to touch us anymore.

I know.

And, just because I make it...

with other guys and girls,

it has no effect whatsoever
on my feelings for you.

Sometimes, I feel so old-fashioned
and from another planet.

It's like I'm half a
person without you.

You're so cute.

Life is so complicated.

I wrote a poem for you last night.

Want me to read it to you?

No.

Hey, Elvis, do you believe in God?

I don't believe in anything.

You have to believe in something.

No, I don't.

Tie me up.

Okay, Mr. Kinky.

This okay?

Tighter! Tighter!

Now the pants, baby, the pants.

Okay now, spank me, baby.

Spank my hot, tight, rock hard ass!

Harder!

Harder!

Harder!

Elvis! I... I love you.

Ditto, hug bunny.

I love you, Lilith.

I love you in life, more than death...

More than time, more
than space, I love you.

I love you!

I bet that you say that to all the girls.

Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Daddy! Daddy!

Mommy!

- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
- Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

In this world of
depravity and perversion,

who is the only one that can lead you

out of the muck, out of
the dank, filthy swamp

that mankind has
fool-heartedly sunken into?

Jesus.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, who died
on the cross for our sins.

Welcome Jesus into your
lives, brothers and sisters,

so that he can show you the way
into the true kingdom of God.

I read someplace that
dude's got like 12 wives.

I think I'm drunk.

Most excellent.

To destiny.

Hey.

What?

You are so beautiful.

Wait. Stop.

Don't play little innocent
virgin with me, babe.

You want me, admit it.

You wanna make it with me

so you can go back to your
little slutter friends

and say, "Hey, I just screwed a big
star, aren't I just so bitchin?"

No.

No, please, don't, don't, don't.
Please, don't, don't.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do to me? No!

Sir? Excuse me, sir. Is
everything all right?

Yeah, everything's fine.

I just knocked over
a chair by accident.

Sorry to bother you, sir.

Have a good evening.

Thanks.

Well, that was a close
call, now wasn't it?

But tonight, tonight is your
lucky night, little Egg,

because you're gonna get the best
doggin' of your perky, pathetic little life

and you're gonna love
every single second of it.

You'll gonna feel like you just
died and went straight to heaven.

Aah!

My dear sweet and tender Bart.

How do you spell relief?

Oww!

Isn't sex just the best
tension release there is?

It's like a really good,
sweaty game of racquetball,

only you get to come at the end.

I adore you.

What a nice thing to say.

Why don't we just bout
the Kick The Can game

and hide away here in my room forever?

What time is it?

No way.

I was supposed to pick up
Lucifer 20 minutes ago.

- Mel.
- She is totally gonna roast my rump.

- Mel.
- Angel boy, I gotta go.

Mel, wait a second.

Will you marry me?

You are too precious for words.

Okay.

I'll see you at Kick The Can

and don't forget it's your
turn to provide the X.

Love you, Pooh butter. Bye.

Zero?

Yeah, Zoe, it's me.

Be right down.

Hey, homie, why so jumpy?

I... I just...

nothing.

Strawberry.

I missed you.

You just saw me the day
before yesterday, cumquat.

So, I missed you anyway.

You mean, Gilligan here missed me?

We both did.

You're our favorite person in this
whole wide scuzz bucket world.

You're the sweetest boy ever.

So, did you get the address
of Jujyfruit's party?

Zero!

Hey, would I ever let you down?

It was great.

I won't forget.

Thank you.

Miracle AIDS cure
turns out to be a hoax.

The Atari Gang continue their
reign of terror in the city

and Palos Verdes City
Councilwoman, Andrea Sperling,

insists her teenage son was kidnapped

and experimented on by space aliens.

And now a word from our sponsor.

Tough tits, dick weed. You're it.

Tabitha time.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

11, 12, 13, 13, 13.

17, 18, 19, 20.

There it is, babe.

The vast and arid wasteland of
glittering filth, emptiness and death.

Hooray.

Hey, did you hear about the old
guy in Brentwood who croaked

and then by the time
his neighbors found him,

his dog had eaten half his face off.

Dogs eating people is cool.

Let the love feast begin.

Occupied, dude.

Sorry.

Hey, you guys goin'
to Jujyfruit's party?

Buzz off, twerp.

Goddamn chipmunks.

Now what?

Not there.

Right there.

There.

Tastes good?

I just love the milk
chocolatety goodness.

Come out, come out wherever you are.

What a goombah.

You see him?

He's 50 feet from the can.

He's so blitzkrieged,
he's, like, staggering around.

Ducky?

What?

Have you ever, like, it's none
of my business or anything,

but, I kinda heard this rumor

that you're kind of, like,
waiting for the right person.

That is not true.

Okay, I've done it.

I'm so sure.

With who?

Lots of people, a bunch
of different times, okay?

Oh.

What did you do that for?

I think you chipped my tooth.

Come on.

Free!

Cripes, don't bust your ball sack.

You... You scared me.

Obvious.

Has Dark been through here yet?

No.

Well, Ducky and
Dingbat are already free.

Dark is so swacked, he's
already doing the Cujo.

You know, the Cujo?

Well, later.

Don't let the boogey man get you.

Right.

Jesus, Cowboy.

Yum.

It's your turn.

Yabba dabba doo.

Let's go, baby.

Let's go, go, go.

Oh God, Lilith, your mouth feels like

I'm dipping my joystick
into boiling hot oil.

You dig sucking on that line
pipe now, don't you, darling?

I wanna die!

Let's all die!

What is it?

Nothing, I just...

Elvis, have you ever
wondered what would happen

if a big earthquake hit

and all the nuclear power
plants in California blew up?

I mean, what would they do

with all that hundreds of
thousands of dead bodies?

Babycakes, let's go back to sleep.

I've read all the books

and listened to all the
tapes on how to get rich.

Was bombed at guerrilla base

killing at least 49
soldiers and 13 civilians.

Polly, honey, everything all right?

I'm fine, Dad.

You want something to eat?

We saved you some shepherd's pie.

No, thanks. I'm not very hungry.

You sure?

We can heat it up in the micro.

Thanks, Dad, really, I...

I ate already with Alyssa and Dingbat.

Maybe later then.

Okay.

Are you lost my little
lambs? Confused?

Don't know which way
in this world to turn?

Back in a flash.

Damn.

Godzilla, you there, man?

Pick up, pick up, come on.

Hey, you gotta help me out, man.

I need that address for the party
tonight at the Jujyfruit dude's place,

so when you get this message,

leave the address on my
machine and I'll beep in.

Thanks, Holmes.

Once we get there, I'm gonna
rip Jujyfruit's balls off

and wear them as beef earrings.

Yeah, well, they're not gonna go
with those shoes, you low rent whore.

- Hey, where's the crystal?
- Yes.

- Who's got the crystal?
- Shotgun.

Well, did you get the address?

You are a drug pig.

Didn't I tell you?

I'm rubber, you're glue.

Don't worry about a thing, babe.

- Hold on.
- You're the best.

Montgomery?

Mel?

Butthead hog bitch Lucifer!

Anybody here?

Montgomery.

Hello, children of God, will you do
me this one teeny little old favor.

Hello, children of God, will you do
me this one teeny little old favor.

Yes.

Wherever you are, put
down whatever it is

you're doing and close your eyes.

Come on, do it with me now.

Don't be shy, nobody's watching.

Close your eyes, shut them tight.

Now along with me, think about heaven.

Concentrate.

Get a full color widescreen
picture in your mind.

Ain't it nice?

Ain't it so downright beautiful?

Just feel it.

Feel that white, pure, holy light
cascading through your veins,

coursing through your body and soul.

Praise sweet Jesus, whoa!

Doesn't that make
you feel so much better?

Yes!

Just thinking about
going straight to heaven,

doesn't it make you feel
so gosh darn good inside?

Inner peace, harmony, eternal
everlasting salvation.

It is yours people.

All yours and all you
have to do is believe.

Believe.

Do you believe, my
fellow children of God?

What's that, I can't hear
you, brothers and sisters.

Believe, we believe.

I cannot hear you
brothers and sisters.

We believe.

We believe.

I cannot hear you,
brothers and sisters.

It's like I got cotton
balls stuck in my ears.

We believe.

You at home, you gotta help me out.

You gotta let me know,
you gotta let Jesus know.

We believe. We believe.

Louder, brothers and sisters.

Let Jesus hear your proud,
strong magnificent forces. Roar!

- We believe, we believe.
- We believe.

We believe, we believe.

We believe.

We believe.

You are such the driving talent.

Hey, loser.

Where's Montgomery?

Everybody else is free.

We can't wait around for
him all friggin' night.

I saw him in the locker
room a while ago,

did you check in there?

What's the matter, Dark?

Isn't that his cross?

What, did he get bored
and go home or something?

That guy is so capital L-A-M-E.

I vote we migrate to the party, okay?

The keg's already extinct, I'm sure.

Don't, don't you think maybe
we ought to wait for him?

I mean, what if...

He can hook up with us later.

He knows the address.

Besides, I don't
know if it's the stacy,

but this place is starting
to give me the heebies.

I gotta make a call.

I'll catch you guys there.

- Bye, see ya.
- Whatever.

Why are we stopping?

Are we lost, huggy bear?

Of course not.

I'm just figuring out
the shortcut route.

Zero, it doesn't matter.

I mean, I really don't care
about that soggy old party.

It probably sucks anyway.

Zoe, we're gonna find it.

I would never let you down.

You're a dream come true.

Okay, out!

You heard me pinhead,
get out of the car

before I perforate you.

Please, it's my mom's, she'll kill me.

Well, tell her that the Ataris say
thanks for the bitchin' wheels, bitch.

Zero, don't!

Zero!

Hey, Mr. Sighvatssohn, it's Cowboy.

Is Bart in?

I can't understand, what?

Speak English, please.

Mr. Sighvatssohn.

I can't understand you, speak English.

What?

I don't know what... I...

Mr. Sighvatssohn.

Give me that.

Full of hate, I want to kill.

- Full of hate, I want to kill.
- Crank it up, bitch.

- Full of hate, I want to kill.
- Crank it up!

- Full of hate, I want to kill.
- Louder!

- I want to kill.
- Louder!

Isn't this fun?

Sure.

Don't worry, smooshkins, I love you.

Me, too. Totally.

But my mom is gonna wire a
car battery on my testicles.

Hey, tadpoles, wanna ride?

Yeah, where you headed?

Well, there's this
party at Jujyfruit's.

Cool.

You're ready?

Assume the position.

Oh my God, have
you seen Alexis lately?

She's gained, like, 50
pound in one week.

I warned her not to
stop doing crystal.

Cool.

Blood is cool.

No, honey, your tongue is cool.

Sick.

Glory, hallelujah, I am so polluted.

Awesome.

Jujyfruit.

Wet party, amigo.

What's up, Handjob?

Me, I'm up.

Yeah, man, you got any more of
those horse tranquilizer things in there?

No, man, I took my
supply before I came,

but I have some cataclysmic...
- Jujyfruit!

So, like, location of the kegger?

Brewski, bro?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, baby.

I think I stepped in dog doo.

Get you a beer? Oh,
score me one, too?

Yeah, just grab as
many as you can, okay?

What am I, the friggin'
barmaid? Come with. Come on!

Excuse me.

Now?

Mel, we gotta talk.

Yeah?

I think we need to
discuss our relationship.

What relationship?

Oh, Dark, baby, look, I just
don't think this is the time

or the place.

Yo, Mel.

Surf, Ski, what's up?

Same old, same old.

Hey, Dirk.

We haven't seen you
since that time backstage

at the Palace after the
Engorged Gonads show.

You Tarzan. Me, Jane.

Oh, I can feel the vein

of your purple-headed
monster throbbing inside me.

Supersonic.

Hey, isn't that your twin brother?

What? Hi, sis.

Dad said for me to remind
you to mow the lawn tomorrow.

Well, you can tell Dad to kiss
my grinnin' grunt lizard, all right.

No wonder I'm feeling so randy
all of a sudden, come here.

Hey, you know Alonzo DeLosa?

Dude never shuts up.

Well, he shagged this chick he
met at Jones a couple weeks ago,

and, last Wednesday, he woke up

and his pecker was covered in
itchy black pus oozing sores.

And, plus, it
smelled like popcorn.

About time.

Bend over, robot. Where's Mel?

Hey, guys, Bob's here.

Who's Bob?

That hermaphrodite porn
star who can screw himself.

- Oh, him?
- Yeah.

What's a hermaphrodite?

Ducky, man, phone call.

It's your parental unit. Come on.

Hey.

Hello? Hello?

Hi, cutie.

Can I jizz on your face?

Wait a second, Dad, I can't hear you.

Where's Lucifer going?

I gotta leak. Major.

Okay.

Whoopsie.

Hi.

Hi.

Uhm, your thing is out.

Sorry.

Are you done?

Yeah.

Except, well...

Eww, repulso.

I guess I'll have to
use the other john.

Excuse me.

So, you gonna get with
Surf and Ski tonight?

I suppose.

Mel, are we still together or what?

Dark.

I just wish things weren't so
messed up and confusing, that's all.

Can't we just leave this place?

Can't we just leave
this whole planet behind

and forget about
everybody and everything,

and just, like, be
in love and stuff.

Oh, Dark.

Hello! Hello!

Put the drugs away and open up.

Dark, I...

Look, can't we just deal
with this later, okay?

Okay?

I just really miss you, that's all.

Hello, LAPD.

Can you hold on a minute?

I gotta go pee.

Hey, sis.

What are you doing here?

Hangin'.

I need air.

Hey, Dark, how's tricks?

Hey, Zero.

Radical party, uh?

Yeah, sure.

Dad, slow down.

Son, I don't know how...

Dad, what is it?

What is it? What's wrong?

It's... it's your sister.

What? What's wrong, Dad?

Hey, Dark? Have you seen
Ducky? He disappeared.

No.

I think I'm gonna bail.

How come?

This party's about as fun
as an ingrown butt hair.

No!

Ducky!

Grab his arm.

1, 1000. 2, 1000. 3, 1000.

1, 1000.

Ducky.

Give me a towel.

Ducky?

[HOPE]

How would you like to sit on my face

and cut a nice big juicy fart?

Yo, Dark. Hey.

What's happening, Handjob?

No poontang, that's for sure.

Pardon my French.

Hey, you need anything?

Up, down, all around?

Nah, I'm blowin'.

It's been a gnarly day.

Oh, yeah?

In the last 18 hours,

I've seen four people get
abducted by a space alien,

watched Ducky try to drown himself.

Plus, I spent, like, 387
bucks on CDs at Aron's.

Kick my mom.

Hey, what CDs you score?

Hey, punk, remember me? The
one you sold the bad drugs to.

The one you ripped off.

Babe, Elvis, come on.

Where's my money, uh?

Hey man, I got some
stuff in the car, killer stuff.

It's yours, gratis.

Elvis, don't!

Elvis! Elvis!

Come on! Come on, asshole!
Come on, come and get me!

Come on, big man.

Oh my God, Elvis.

You're killing him!

Stop it! What's
wrong with you? Elvis!

Stop!

Stop it!

Dear diary, what a day.

I swear I've never been so depressed

and miserable and
lonely in my entire life.

It's like I know there's gotta be
somebody out there somewhere.

Just one person in this huge,
horrible, unhappy universe

that can hold me in their arms

and tell me everything's
gonna be okay.

And how long do I have to wait
before that person shows up?

I feel like I'm sinking deeper
and deeper into quicksand,

watching everyone around me

die a slow, agonizing death.

It's like we all know

way down in our souls

that our generation is gonna
witness the end of everything.

You can see it in our eyes.

It's in mine. Look.

I'm doomed.

I'm only 18 years old
and I'm totally doomed.

Wait.

Jesus!

Montgomery.

The weirdest thing
just happened to me.

Well, are you gonna just stand
there with your mouth hangin' open

or are you gonna let me in?

Sorry.

Thanks.

So, like, what happened?

I got kidnapped by space aliens.

Really?

And then what?

Well, they did all these tests
and experiments and stuff on me.

And then, I overheard them talking about
their plan to take over the earth.

Then I escaped.

No way.

Way.

Fookin' A.

I feel strange.

I think I'm catching
a cold or something.

Do you wanna, uhm...

Is it okay if I just
rest here for a while?

I'm suddenly, like, so tired.

Sure.

Well, aren't ya gonna...?

Yeah.

I hope you don't take
this the wrong way.

I mean, I know you and
Mel are, like, whatever.

Whatever is right.

She's all, you know...

It's... It's not like
I'm gay or anything

and I know we kinda just met,

but... I really like you a lot

and I think about you.

Me, too.

I mean, I feel the same about you.

Like when I was trapped in the pod thing
that the aliens held me captive in,

all I could think about
was what if they kill me

and I never get to see you again.

I sound so retarded and pathetic, I know.

But all my life, I've been searching

for one special person on
this awful scary planet

who I can love,

who loves me for what I am.

That is so poetic.

Is it okay if I spend the night?

I really wanna sleep next to you.

Only if you promise to
never, ever leave me.

Deal.

What?

Is something the matter?

Montgomery.

Montgomery, what is it?

Montgomery! Montgomery!

Tell me what it is, please!

Montgomery!

Montgomery!

Oh my God, stop!

Montgomery! Montgomery!

Montgomery!

I'm outta here.

Nooooo!

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