Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

SIGHS: Ah. Urgh!

Oh!

Whoa!

SHE GIGGLES

SHE SCREAMS

SQUEAKING: Mim, nim, mim, nim...

Oh, you're useless at this!

SCREAMS: Ah!

Prrp.

Urgh!

Welcome!

Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and my job is simple,

objectively judge the performative attempts of five comedians.

The complication is I don't have a rational mind being as

I am drunk on testosterone

and out of my mind on cake.

Combine this with the undeniable fact that some of our contestants

are incompetent and we've got ourselves a recipe

for one hell of a car park fight.

Let us meet them again now,

they are Andy Zaltzman...

..Babatunde Aleshe...

..Emma Sidi...

..Jack Dee...

..and Rosie Jones...

..and sitting next to me, a man who looks like

a haunted lighthouse keeper drawn by a friendless child.

It's...

IN HIGH-PITCHED TONE: ..Little Alex Horne.

Thanks, Greg. Thank you. Whoa!

Let's get started. What is the prize task, young fellow m'lad?

Yes, show time and for this episode's prize task they've been asked

to bring in the object that is bigger than your head

that you would most like to carry with you for the rest of your life

if you had to carry an object with you for the rest of your life.

Five points for the one Greg thinks is best

and all five will be carried home by the episode winner.

J'ai finis. Merci.

Rosie Jones, what object have you brought in that you would most

like to carry around with you for the rest of your life?

OK, I'm very happy with this. Yeah.

It is your head.

Here it is.

So here's how I would carry it.

For the rest of her life.

I just really think it'll open doors for me.

Do you Rosie?

Er, people would see me coming and be, like, "Greg!"

Well, that implies I look visually like

a relatively small woman with

a massive papier mache head.

I mean it's absolutely incredible. Who's next? Baba.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

After that like mine's genuinely boring, like,

it is practical, though.

I, I bought speakers, Subwoofer speakers.

Yes, Baba brought in this.

Boring innit?

But I'm a lover of music and, and I that's

the only thing I could find that was bigger than my head that

I would genuinely love to carry around for the rest of my life.

You give me Bob Marley's greatest hits and that I'm sorted.

You're not one of those blokes in my local park who carries one

of those around? Hell yes I am! You're that guy.

I am that guy. Mr Middle Class. Yes, I am.

No I don't, I think you're more,

you're too considerate to be the speaker guy.

For who? I don't give a shit about anybody.

What I like about it, Baba... Yes.

..is that you genuinely would like to have a speaker... 100 per cent.

..and it speaks, very sweetly, of your love of music. Yes.

Emma.

OK. I wanted something that looked good... Yeah.

..and was lightweight and useful to me. Tick.

OK so I brought in a hat.

This is a hat. OK. Yes. I like it.

Now... To be fair it is a good hat.

..but obviously I wanted it to be of some use to me, OK?

So within the hat is in-built moisturiser.

Is moisturising very important to you?

Absolutely. I'm proudly, er, no I'm proud to say that I suffer with...

I know. You say it, you're proudly what?

I'm proudly dry.

I'm a dry woman and I like to be moist.

So much better. That's it. Come on.

Jack.

As you know I'm a, I'm a singer-songwriter.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, get over it.

If I had to carry around an item for the rest of my life

that's bigger than my head. Yeah.

It would be this. I, I wrote a ditty because I,

as I said I am a singer-songwriter and it explains the,

it explains the prize a bit more, so here you go.

# This is my prize, it's bigger than my head

# This is my prize, I brought in for Greg

# It's not for Alex, nothing rhymes with his name

# And that's not his fault. He's got his parents to blame. #

This is the good bit, right.

# Ooh, can you believe your eyes?

# It's my Taskmaster prize. #

There you go, how about that?

Thank you.

Really sweet, Jack.

There's only one left.

Andy Zaltzman, you look fabulous. Thanks, mate. You're welcome.

Eyes up.

The object I've brought in that's bigger than my head that I'd like

to carry with me for the rest of my life is

a rhinoceros' head that fires cricket balls out of its mouth.

Oh, God!

Yeah, here we go. Action.

I guarantee you carry that with you for the rest of your life,

you'll have a lot of interesting chats with strangers.

Is that something that,

uh, the rest of you would like to win?

If that was on my street,

that going on I would go, "Well look, I'm not safe,

"I have to move boroughs."

She is right.

As soon as you finish that sentence,

off comes the lid.

All right, let's give some points out.

Yes, please. Right.

Right, I'm gonna give five points to Emma.

Oh, thank you.

I can't really distinguish between

a papier mache rhinoceros that fires balls

and a papier mache me with breasts

so I'll give those two four points,

and I'll give Jack three points,

and I'm giving Baba two

just because I like the fact that he loves music

and why not reward sweetness there.

There we go. Five points to Emma Sidi.

Task time then. What's in store for us, first?

Well, first of all we're going to see how the cast copes

with ropes.

Good morning, Andy.

Morning! Morning, Alex.

So what's happening?

Well, I don't want you to look up.

You don't want me to look up.

No, thank you.

OK.

Don't look up please, Rosie.

Right. Is that why I'm wearing the hat?

That's exactly why you're wearing the visor.

Ring the bell.

You may not look up.

Fewest ropes pulled wins.

You have a maximum of ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

The S of starts is with a five.

I think someone was supposed to put an S but they put a five...

Right?

..so it's time start five now.

You don't think that was deliberate?

It m... oh, so, what? I've only got five minutes?

No you've got ten minutes.

So the five font thing is causing consternation.

Oh, it got in their heads, Greg.

Got into their heads. Let's go.

We're gonna see Andy first.

Let's see if this rings a bell.

So I'll assume there's a bell above me.

OK right. I feel I'm missing a clue somewhere.

No there's nothing in there.

Could be B11 rather than bell?

Well maybe I'll try number one.

Lot of balls.

No bells.

Oh, hang on.

Have you pulled rope number eight yet? Well, no I haven't.

Right?

Does that mean I should pull it? I mean...

Again I... Is there any other messages in there?

That's half your time gone, Andy. Right, OK.

I can't, like, call Ian Bell, the cricketer, on my phone?

That doesn't count?

Do you have his number?

No, I don't.

Right, OK, right.

I, I think I've pulled eight.

Yeah, it's just a long rope.

I feel like this is nothing to do with the ropes.

That's not a bell, by the looks of it.

Well, it looks like a number seven.

Might as well.

Why not four?

Oh, that's the cat, obviously.

Doesn't appear to have a bell in?

No bell, no. You never know. Some breeds of cat do.

Right.

There's no real way of emerging from this with any form of, er...

A VOICE BELLOWS: No. ..dignity.

A VOICE BELLOWS: No!

Is that Ian Bell up there? Did I just ring Ian Bell?

Right there's two ropes left.

OK.

That's the end of the time.

I didn't ring a bell particularly there.

No, I didn't hear any bells. Right. No.

That's a shame.

Quite a mess as well.

Something that's taken me a long time to work out about you is...

Yeah. ..you, sort of, have the countenance

and employ the vernacular of a scientist... Yes.

..but I wrote down what you actually did there... Yeah.

..which was to randomly pull all the ropes... Yes.

..fail the tasks whilst occasionally banging on about cricket again.

Yeah, yeah, but then you look back through

the history of science, Greg, what did Isaac Newton do?

He just sat under trees till something fell on his head.

So is it really that different?

Then said something about googlies. Yeah, yeah.

Basically, Andy did very badly.

He pulled all the ropes.

There were lots of numbers hidden around the ropes

but they didn't mean anything at all. Next?

OK, right next it's the Dee family, Jack Dee and Babatun-Dee.

Here we go.

Not all of them are connected to a bell.

OK.

It's a game of luck.

You know so I've slightly lost interest already... Right.

..but we, we'll go for it.

Oh!

SCREAMS: Ah I don't wanna pull anything.

Oh, like that. Yeah. Oh, OK!

You know what this one's furthest away.

No bell.

Oh, I'm just gonna go through them there's no skill in this.

There's...

Right.

No I, I see. Yeah.

See what I mean? Er, well I, I, yeah, I guess so, yeah.

What am I supposed to do, react?

SCREAMS: Ah!

A VOICE BELLOWS: No!

A VOICE BELLOWS: No!

There's a watermelon.

Uh, umbrellas.

I'm tempted to do this one but I don't want to

because I just don't want nothing weird falling on me.

Oh, that's not traumatising.

A VOICE BELLOWS: No!

All right, man let's just pull bro.

At the end of the day it is what it is.

Bang!

Bang!

Bow!

Not a bell.

Yeah, it's fewest ropes wins.

Life is about the now.

Boom!

There's no bell. There's no bell.

There's no bell?

Wait, what?

You've got seven minutes left.

Oh!

BELL RINGS TASKMASTER TUNE

Oh, there might be a bell in the, er, in the music thing.

Yeah.

BELL RINGS

Great, er, yeah. Happy?

Yeah, I've stopped the clock, yeah. Are you happy?

Yeah, I found the bell. Yeah. I found the bell.

Er, I'll go and get dry now, I've, erm, I'll just, er, yeah.

Yeah. Hmm.

It's great fun.

Isn't it?

BELLS RINGING

Baba you looked like you were having

the time of your life pulling those ropes.

No I was a bit traumatised to be fair.

Were you?

Yes, cos I don't like these,

I don't like doing things where I don't know what's on the other end.

Yeah. You came to the wrong show.

Two more contrasting catchphrases you couldn't hear.

Baba shouting, "Life is about the now!"

and Jack saying, "It's entirely random so I've lost interest."

That was like day 34 of these tasks

and it was beginning to wear thin on me and, er...

No way. Yeah, I know I, I put all my energy into concealing that

cos I know it's a fun show.

I mean they both did eventually ring

a bell after pulling ten ropes.

So they got exactly the same result.

Break time now and a chance to continue the housework.

Maybe make the kids' packed lunches,

load the dishwasher or chuck that lump you married into the street.

Imagine having the bed to yourself?

It's not like it's being used for anything else.

We'll see you in a minute.

Hello, again!

Welcome back into the fold.

It's Part Two and there's a rope pulling, bell ringing task in play.

We've only got two prospective campanologists to go.

It's Rosie and Emma.

What you doing, Emma?

I'm just, erm...

..I'm walking backwards.

Right.

It says you pull the rope.

Can I shake it?

When you use something you can zoom in

but in real life you have to do it with your body,

so if you wanna see something close up...

You're zooming out.

Yeah, I'm zooming out. Right.

I'm not pulling it.

I'm not pulling it.

That didn't help actually quite as much as I wanted.

Fuck.

They all feel quite light.

Is it up there?

I'll be honest with you, it's not going well at all.

Look. Hm-mm.

Fuck me!

No bell.

That's a bell!

Oh, my God!

I think I've done it.

Zero ropes pulled.

Ah, I'm just zooming out again.

Yeah, yeah. Don't fall off the chair.

I rang it once.

OK.

I'm good at this.

See you later.

I'm very good.

Yet again another example of your crushingly low self-esteem.

The last thing you said as you leave, "I'm good at this."

Beat. "I'm very good."

Can you argue with me, though?

Yeah, sure, why did you spend ages shaking the ropes?

You need to get some footage.

How have you got away with that?

You just shook the ropes for ages.

Yeah.

That is a good idea though, isn't it? Yeah.

That's how she knew the answer. I could feel it.

Yeah.

What you can feel what?

Nothing. Nothing.

So you were shaking to see if there was a bell? Yeah. OK.

You need to wake up, mate.

And this, this coming from a woman who appears to have

a zoom lens system.

As it went on I was, like, "This is actually,

"there's something in this."

There's something in zooming in and out of things?

With your body, you... With your body and, and head.

People did that for thousands and thousands of years.

Did they? The original zoom. Yeah, yeah. And you would know, yeah.

The original zoom.

No. The outfit. Oh, she's turned on you, Andy.

The out... She's turned on you.

Et tu, Emma.

She rang the bell, though.

Yeah, she rang the bell. She only pulled one rope... OK.

..and so it's pretty clear.

It's Andy doesn't get any points, he didn't do the task.

Joint third, Baba and Jack, both get three points.

Emma gets four points.

Rosie didn't pull any she gets five points.

That's it.

Can we look at the scoreboard then? We can.

Both at the top of the leader board with nine points

Emma and Rosie, joint first.

I'd like another task, please.

I don't believe you but here you go anyway.

I'm ready.

Oh, I see. Yeah.

Hello.

You're dressed as a hot dog, Rosie.

Yeah. I'm feeling confident.

Andy, you're in this chair so would you mind just popping this

on your lap and then poking your head through the hole.

If you pop your head through there. It should go.

Oh, that's perfect.

That's dope. Suits you, bro. Yeah.

You look lovely, Jackie.

Thank you. Thank you, erm...

IN A SING-SONG VOICE: Captain Jackie and a hot dog.

HE SIGHS

OK.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Work out what is in the box.

You must not look, feel or inspect the box in any way.

Your team mate must not show you the contents of the box.

They may only make silent facial expressions,

unless answering Alex's questions.

Your team mate must not nod or shake their head.

Fastest to work out what's in the box wins.

Your time starts and ends on Alex's whistle.

Here I come.

Mm-hm. OK, yeah.

Can you get your bum out our face man?

Got some, something just for you there.

Oh, right OK.

You must lie throughout the next task.

Born to do it.

Every time you tell the truth everyone in your team

will lose an actual Taskmaster point.

Your time starts when you walk into the task room

and ends when you leave after the task is complete.

Stick out your tongue if it was a food.

Did you not realise that this little weasel had implemented

the opposite system?

I feel quite sad.

I've been let down by Jackie.

I was doing it for your best interests, Rosie.

I was, obviously... But. ..I would never let you down ordinarily

but there were points to play for here.

It's, it's really sweet to see that there's such sadness

between two very tight team mates... Yeah.

..and I think implementing the joker on a team task shows

a great deal of faith in your team mate.

Because as soon as I found out that

I was on a team with Jackie,

I was like, "He's my comedy hero."

AUDIENCE: Aw.

S...

"..and he won't let me down."

He won't let you down.

Do you think that the faith that you have in Jackie, your comedy hero,

is reciprocated the other way?

Let's have a look at this clip. Erm, hm-mm.

IN A SING-SONG VOICE: Captain Jackie and the hot dog.

SIGHS: Huh!

There are loyalty's about to be stretched.

There are friendships at risk.

Well, first we're gonna see the team of three

and Andy's little face doing its best to convey what's in the box

to Baba and Emma, whilst lying.

Stick out your tongue if it was a food.

It wasn't a.. It wasn't food.

Andy stick out your tongue if it's related to one of us.

There you go.

Stick out your tongue if it's figurines of us.

Figurines of us.

Have they worked out what's in the box yet, Andy?

Er, yes.

Well, I don't think you have so.

Well, you two have gotta have it out now because he thinks it is.

OK. Is the lining plush like velvet?

Velvet lining.

Andy, do you actually know what velvet is?

Ooh. No.

Andy's lying. Everything that Andy says is a lie.

Are you lying Andy?

No.

This man doesn't know what velvet is,

look at him he's Andy Zaltzman he knows what velvet is.

Right is it something you can eat? Stick out your tongue.

So it is something you can eat.

Is it cheese?

Is it canned fish? Is it fish? Is it baked beans?

Is it old bread?

Is it something that

a prepper would have in their house?

What's a prepper?

You know so the end of the world is coming, you stock up all your cans.

The end of the world isn't coming.

Alex. Yes, Emma.

What do we do?

Andy, is it peas?

Is it Brussels sprouts? Is it kale?

Andy, Andy, Andy is it boiled? Did it smell?

Could you pickle it? Was it an onion?

Is it a cucumber? Is it an orange? Is it a mango?

Is it strawberries? Cherries?

Was it an egg? Oh, my God!

Blueberries. Er, kiwi, lime, lemon.

Lemon?

It's lemons. Think it's lemons, you know.

Andy, is it like lemons and bible or something?

Interesting.

Lemons and the dictionary.

Is it written text? Could you read it?

Could you read it and enjoy it?

No. It's boring, it's, like, numbers.

It's lemons and reams of data.

Are there any numbers in there, Andy?

No.

Money. It's lemons and money.

It's lemons and ten quid.

It's lemons and a £5 note.

I don't think you should stop the clock.

You're half right.

It's lemons and... £2.50.

There's one lemon.

There's one lemon.

One lemon and a £5 note. And a £5 note.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh! My God! You've gotta be kidding me, man.

Oh, my God. Are you joking?

I mean it's just genuinely impressive, wasn't it?

Yes, it is.

The turning point when you realised the system based on

the fact that it was preposterous that

Andy Zaltzman wouldn't know what velvet was.

Yeah.

You, you think that Zaltzman doesn't know what velvet is.

He sleeps atop a velvet bed.

It's our little secret, Greg.

So Emma worked out the, the opposite system.

She worked out there were opposites fairly early within about

eight minutes... Yeah.

..but then there was another half an hour before... Oh. Ah!

..before they got it.

116 guesses all together.

I can tell you that Andy did not tell the truth at any point,

so there's no points docked. Yes, Andy. Right. That's good.

Good on you. That's good.

Right time to watch some adverts

and wipe those crumbs off your chest.

Yeah, they've been there the whole time.

Hi! Welcome back!

It's Part Three of Taskmaster

and a tricky team task is in the final throes.

Yes, there's only Jack and Rosie to go

and Rosie's dressed as a hot dog so double points for her

at the end of the task

but actual points can be lost if Jack tells the truth to her

so, maybe, potentially double negative points for Rosie?

We don't know. It's all very exciting.

And here we go.

Is it food?

IN A GIGGLY VOICE: Hm-hm-hm.

Is it a fruit?

IN A GIGGLY VOICE: Hm-hm-hm.

A banana?

Hmm.

Apple? Grapes?

Ah!

Ah.

Ah.

Erm, is it a citrus?

HE LAUGHS

Lemon.

HE GUFFAWS

Lemon bleach.

HE SIGHS

Ah!

Jack, is she along the right lines?

Definitely I think it's only a matter of seconds...

..before she guesses all the items... Right. ..in the box. OK.

Oh, is there more than one thing in there?

Two.

Is the other one another fruit?

Uh, ah. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh...

Is it food?

This is bordering on communication.

Er, I don't think it is.

Is it a book? A living creature? A tool? A rubber duck?

A flag? A balloon?

Jack do you think Rosie should ask much, much more specific questions?

I think her approach of just scatter-gun guesses is,

is eventually gonna do it. Oh, right.

Yeah, it could take a few months.

Is it made of glass? Hmm.

Metal? Hm-mm.

Is it made of paper?

Ah-ha. Ah. Ha ha.

Ooh.

Ooh. Yeah.

Ooh, money.

Oh.

Ah. Is it £5?

Woo-hoo.

£5 and a lemon.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I've stopped the clock.

I put it to you that Rosie's guesses were entirely arbitrary

and that wasn't helped by Jack who was openly talking at times

and never, at any point as far as I could work out,

doing what he was told and doing the opposite.

Ah, that's not fair.

You can't tell a lie with a facial expression.

Yes, you can, Jack.

No, no, no, you can't. I, I...

Otherwise my wife has been lying to me for a long time...

..and that I do not accept.

I w will repeat two of the rules.

They may only make silent facial expressions.

They must not nod or shake their head. Yes.

OK, OK, so that part of the task was told to me

at least 20 minutes before that happened. Yeah.

I can't remember stuff for that long and just make it work.

Oh, oh, well then, full points to Captain Jackie and the hot dog.

How are you feeling in all this Rosie?

Why did you put me with granddad?

So the rules for the liars were a point docked

for their team every time they told the truth.

Yes.

I would say there was genuinely only three occasions where she asked

a question and he openly nodded or shook his head.

So we're docking three points.

I guess the question is do you want to dock the hot dog six points.

Dock six, dock six. Dock six, bro.

My understanding if you play your joker you get double points.

Correct. That's all we said, yeah.

Right. There's no suggestion that in the event of

an abject failure that you should be docked double points.

But I also think that they had to stick to the rules

and they didn't stick to the rules.

So this team won the task so they get five points each. Correct.

Oh.

Minus three to the team of two. Oh!

No it's OK.

OK let's crack on. What's next, Alex?

OK, well Greg, all the information is in the snacks.

Hello.

Emma. Great to see you.

Great to see you.

That's what I said.

OK.

I love fortune cookies.

Eat and obey five fortune cookies.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now. OK.

Ah, man.

I don't wanna do like some weird stuff bro.

So I could get pedantic about what obey means.

I mean to obey a fortune cookie

you know. Jump up and down. You know.

Frequently on this show Baba has announced that he doesn't want to do

something weird and he's just come to the wrong show.

So we begin with two people who I think genuinely loved this one.

It's Rosie and Baba.

We're off. Erm...

Are you looking for the fortune? Yeah. Hmm.

Retrieve the pineapple from the kitchen.

All right.

That's a pineapple. Oh.

Hey... Hey, hey!

Where did you get that fortune cookie from?

The kitchen. Oh. Was I not supposed to get it?

No, that's OK.

Oh. If you have opened this fortune cookie you must oh,

for flip's sake.

Start all over again.

OK so you haven't eaten any fortune cookies, yet.

Put all of the fortune cookies in a bowl

of hot salty water.

In a bowl of vinegar.

That's disgusting.

Shit.

I don't think about it, bruv.

Oh. That is nasty.

Urgh! Urgh!

Aargh!.

Put all of the fortune cookies.

In a bowl of hot sauce.

I swear just this gets worse and worse and worse.

Oh!

Fuck!

Yo.

You like it?

You're taking the piss.

Oh! Oh!

Three to go Rosie. You OK?

No.

I'm about to ruin the toilet.

What the fuck does that say?

Shut one eye for the rest of the task. That's it.

Yeah.

It's breaking apart because of all the spice.

It says keep your mouth open for the rest of the task.

Ah.

I can't see.

No, you've got one eye shut and... Yeah.

..and you're crying a lot. Right.

Retrieve the medallion from the table in the living room.

No. Oh, it's hot.

Ah, shout the word yes for 30 seconds.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, that's 40.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah! Aargh!!

Ah, just stop doing it. Oh.

What does that say?

You can probably read that.

Laugh.

SHE LAUGHS

I've stopped the clock. Ooh.

I like that one.

Is that it?

Yeah, that's five.

You're a dickhead.

I hate you all.

Bye.

Are you ashamed of yourself turning on the crew like that?

No.

I was gonna say that that was

the worst moment of my life

But that has been replaced by him.

The reaction from Rosie and Baba even before we got to the hot sauce,

was it that bad? Yes, it was that bad. Have you tried it?

What eating vinegar?

No. Eating a fortune cookie which is lovely and delicious

and then dunking it into a bowl of vinegar for like ten seconds.

Have you done that, Greg?

Baba's talking to me like an angry teacher.

I would say the hot sauce was,

it's called Scotch Bonnet Hot Sauce.

Oh, so that is really vicious. Oh!

Rosie, there were actual tears and discomfort for 11 minutes 24.

Baba, felt like an hour, 20 minutes 35.

Goddamn.

So Rosie you're in the lead.

Not so bad.

OK next up it's Emma Sidi and Jack Si-Dee.

Oh.

What you doing?

Don the medallion that's on the table in the living room.

I'm going to have to go and get that now, aren't I?

BOTH: Laugh for 30 seconds.

I think that's 30. Mm-hmm.

Say the word yes for 30 seconds. Ha! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes yes yes yes yes.

BOTH: Yes, yes yes yes yes yes.

Put all of the fortune cookies in a bowl of hot sauce...

..and leave them for 30 seconds.

There you go, Jack. Oh, man!

Then I've gotta eat two more. Mm-hmm.

So I don't have to do that until I've done the next two.

Really?

I don't wanna eat them with the sauce on.

Keep one eye shut for the rest of the task.

Can I see your eyes?

Hmm that's better.

Did you forget?

Oh, these are horrible.

Maybe they could do with a bit of hot sauce.

I don't think so.

Keep your mouth open for the rest of the task.

I've been brought up not to do that,

to eat with your mouth open it's disgusting.

Hmm. Still. You can look at me.

Put all of the fortune cookies in

a bowl of hot salty water and leave them for 30 seconds.

That's five fortune cookies.

Oh, they're really slimy now. Oh!

Put all of the fortune cookies in a bowl of, in a bowl of vinegar.

So, 30 seconds. You put 30 seconds on the clock, yeah, here we go.

Can I have the bill, please?

They're complementary.

Stop the clock.

Very clever with the hot sauce avoidance, though.

Yeah.

He was delighted by it. Yeah.

Yeah, clever when you want to be.

Emma, just a little observation.

You became a weird South African character.

Did I? Yeah. Hmm. You said,

IN A SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: "Stop the clock."

You got that? Yeah. Here we go.

IN A SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: Stop the clock.

That's Part Three done.

Join us back here for the final part of the show.

We'll see you in a bit.

Hello!

We're back for the final part of the show

but there's still a task left to complete.

Correctamundo Gregalicious. Oh.

Fortune cookies is the name of the game

and there's just one man left to eat

and obey five fortune cookies as fast as possible.

So let's go from A to Z with Andy Zaltzman.

OK I don't have to do it in order, do I? What does it say?

Well, it says, "Keep your mouth open for the rest of the task."

I think I'll do that one last.

I think you have to do them in the order you open them.

No, you do not.

Phone a friend and tell them that you're in the bath.

You must not explain yourself.

All right.

Hi.

Hi, I'm in the bath.

Who phoned who? I didn't phone you, did I?

I don't know that, mate.

Anyway I'm in the... I think you phoned me.

OK.

Sorry, well, I'm in the bath so I can't talk.

All right, bud. Yeah, all right, bud.

Lovely talking to you.

That was, er, that was Daniel Kitson.

Retrieve the pineapple from the kitchen.

Right.

HE LAUGHS Oh, it's laugh for 30 seconds.

CONTINUES LAUGHING

Oh, bollocks!

If you get this fortune cookie you must start all over again.

That is a real shame.

Put all of the fortune cookies in a bowl of hot sauce

and leave them for 30 seconds.

Put all of the fortune cookies in a bowl of hot salty water

and leave them for 30 seconds.

If I do the hot sauce first then that'll be washed off by

the salty water.

OK shout the word yes for 30 seconds.

Yeeeeeees!

Yes!

Yes!

I'm gonna need some milk.

Don the medallion.

Oy, you'll never guess what was er, with the medallion.

There was a, a, load more fortune cookies.

Hmm, I like that one. Yeah, five.

What does it say?

Clap. Let me just finish my milk. OK.

Stop the clock.

Incredible.

That Jedi mind trick at the top.

I've never seen Alex silent so quickly.

The key I found with Alex is that if he's like whimpering

and crying in the night you've just gotta leave him till the morning.

Let him cry. I've said it before.

I've said that to his wife. Yeah, yeah. Let him cry.

I wish that was a joke.

I want to celebrate the fact that he was the only person,

when told to shout yes for 30 seconds,

decided to do it in one yes.

Yes.

How did he do?

Emma was four minutes 23, Jack five minutes 33,

Rosie 11 minutes 24, Andy 13 minutes 44

and then Baba was last with 20 minutes 15.

So Emma gets the full five points. Oh.

One last look at the scores, then.

I'm gonna tell you the series scores, if that's all right.

Yes, please.

It's getting tighter and tighter.

Rosie you're on 90 points, Baba 101,

Emma 102, Andy 102, Jack 108.

So well done, Jack.

Guess what? What?

Hey. You're not gonna believe this.

It's time for them to head to

the stage for the final task of the show.

Hello, there!

Who's gonna read the task out?

I'd like Rosie to read the task, please.

Rosie Jones.

Throw a beanbag onto the island.

If you knock over a can, you are disqualified.

Wow.

If you miss the island, you are disqualified.

Last player standing wins.

Emma's in first place, please make your way to the throwing tower.

Take one beanbag with you.

Can I see it from... Oh, yeah, fair enough.

Could you not see it from oh, you hadn't zoomed out?

Er, yeah...

Emma Sidi let's play Don't Knock A Can Down Beanbag Island.

Oh, God!

Aargh!!

AUDIENCE GROANS

She has missed the island and is disqualified.

Bye-bye, Emma.

No! No!

Emma, oh, Emma.

Next up, it's Andy.

The awesome warrior.

Lovely.

Safely through to Round Two.

Next up, it's Baba.

He's through.

Lovely.

Lovely.

It's Rosie Jones to throw.

Rosie Jones.

This doesn't look good.

AUDIENCE GROANS

She's out. We've lost her.

Finally in Round One it's Jack Dee.

Do you understand it, Jack?

Seriously? Ah.

We've lost Jack. Jack is out.

So we return to Andy Zaltzman.

You have to throw two beanbags in Round Two.

Ooh. Three in Round Three.

The heat is on.

Round Two.

Lovely.

Lovely.

There's one more to go.

Can he repeat that?

He lobs.

Hey.

Incredible.

Ah, this ain't fair.

Hello, Baba.

This ain't fair, is it?

We have provided a little hole, Baba, if you want it.

What?

There's a peep hole, Baba.

What am I gonna do with that?

Safe. Lovely. Yes!

Lovely.

Oh!

Baba.

Well done, Andy Zaltzman.

Let's see how those points have affected the total scores.

Come down here and join me.

Pretty thrilling stuff. It was.

Because three people went out immediately they share joint third.

That was Emma, Jack and Rosie.

Baba gets four points for coming second

but the winner is, of course, Mr Andy Zaltzman. He gets five points.

But the winner of this episode was Emma Sidi with 22 points.

Whoa! Emma Sidi wins.

Ah.

Please head up to hold up your holdable prizes.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media