Original subtitles

The best part about having a baby is coming up with a name for it. And I'm

to report that my little bundle of joy, the birthing center, finally has one.

Our original name, the Irving Women's Birthing Center, was named after our

generous benefactor, Amelia Irving. But that became problematic when her ex

-husband got into some mischief.

Mischief? He owned like 18 underground massage parlors. Okay.

Anyway.

I convinced Amelia to use her maiden name, Amelia White, instead.

Uh, Joyce, have you seen this? What?

Oh.

Maybe no one will notice.

Well, today's the big day. The ribbon cutting of the birthing center.

Can you believe it?

This year has tested me.

You know, I've often felt like Sisyphus pushing a giant boulder up an endless

hill. But you know what no one ever talks about is the part of the story

he makes it up the hill and everyone's cheering him on and saying, hey, good

job, Sisyphus.

Where do you want these sashes?

Also, why are there sashes? They're for the first couple who signed up to give

birth here. I want them front and center. They're cool, they're diverse,

they just scream fertility.

This is a lot of seats, Joyce. Well, I cast a wide net. You know, there's

politicians, press, mommy bloggers. Oh, reserved for the New York Times.

Wow. Are they actually coming?

Well, I sent the invitation and said, let me know if you can't come. So I

haven't heard anything.

I think it's looking good.

Yeah. Take us to the front.

Technically, we're not working today, but Joyce hired a few of us to come in

help with the event.

I think we're basically here to be her cheerleaders.

J -O -Y -C -E.

I was an alternator on the cheerleading team in high school.

I've just been using Spice Girls lyrics.

Girl power, get it on, get it on.

Still trying to work in siga -siga.

So we just have to put this up and then the rest of those decorations.

Can't believe we're getting time and a half for this.

I'm not getting paid, but Joyce said it would mean a lot to her, and that's

money in the bank.

Well, I've seen some pretty sick things in this building.

Can't say I've seen a ribbon shaped like an umbilical cord.

Oh, this is nothing.

You should see the ribbon Joyce made for the urology center.

Wow. Look at this guy.

Oh, my God. Gross.

What? I think it's kind of cute.

Serena, I need skin to skin.

Ew, get it away.

Come on with me. You are such a freak.

Hey, by the way, we don't have to talk about this if you don't want to, but are

you doing okay since the whole Steve thing?

Oh, yeah, totally over it. He keeps texting me gym selfies, followed by,

wrong number.

Okay, dude.

I'm ready for solids.

Bye.

You don't have to film me. I'm not even here today.

Doctors have to take an annual physical to keep our insurance.

Because God hates me, mine fell on the day that I was supposed to go on a

fishing trip with some old buddies.

Do you know how hard it is to reschedule something with a bunch of 70 -year

-olds who are totally inept at texting? This trip was originally scheduled for

2010. I'm ready for my next victim.

I'm joking.

I'm kidding.

Dr. Bruce White? Here we go.

It's going to be hard to beat last year's numbers, but let's see if those

wheatgrass enemas manage to move the needle up below.

Bruce! Hey, Bruce Franny, look at that adorable outfit. We need to take our

physicals at the same time. Oh, we do? That's not usually how we do it. Yeah, I

know, but we're best friends, and we do everything together.

Oh, you sweeties. Oh, how do I say no to that? Come on back.

Best friend.

That is so sweet.

A little misguided.

I'd say Ron's probably my third best friend.

He could get to number one.

But Mom's not giving up that throne without a fight. Joyce, will you look at

this turnout?

That's right, haters.

Ain't no party like a Big J party, because a Big J party seats 150.

Councilman Duffy and Stark just walked in.

Yay. Pow. What? I know those guys. They're gay. Oh.

Well, I guess that's okay, then. Hold on.

The Momunist came?

Joyce! She's like a huge mommy blogger. Yeah, I know. And today, all four

million of her followers are going to watch me perform.

Perform? You're just giving some remarks, right? No, Alex. I'm singing

choir.

Oh. Actually, a better description would be, the choir will be singing with me.

What a great idea.

I love that.

Never done two doctors at once before.

I believe they call this a Hippocratic three -way.

Anyway, I'm going to do some blood work, and then we'll check your blood

pressure. Yeah, we know the drill. We're doctors.

Okay, pass it for us. And just FYI, I'm not great with needles, so if we could

just take it slow.

You're already taking it too slow.

It's okay.

Just look at me, Bruce. I want you to listen to my voice.

I want you to look deep down into my eyes.

Do you see the tiny golden fleck?

floating around in the pool of my eye.

I want you to find it for me. I need you to.

Do you see it, Dr.

Bruce?

I see it.

And done.

Easy peasy, mac and cheesy.

What kind of sorcery is this? Did you see that?

Yep. Here you go.

Here she comes. Here our righteous woman comes.

What happens when a woman... Joyce!

Oh, God.

Hold still, okay?

Fallon and I are coming.

Oh, God.

I'm okay. I'm okay. Don't worry.

Why couldn't they just keep singing?

No one would have noticed.

Maybe. Possibly.

Humiliating. I don't get it.

You just fell? No one pushed you or anything? You just walked right off the

stage? Yes, Matthew.

Quite the pep talk. Thank you. I can't believe I missed that.

No, just because I could have caught you.

You're a sweet bean, but it was a dead drop. I would have crushed your bones.

I can only imagine what they're saying out there, and it's not, hey, that was a

pretty cool -looking fall.

Well, maybe some people are saying that, you know, it's a good thing the New

York Times forgot to come. Yeah, yeah, we got lucky there.

Hey, a couple messages from reception. Your car warranty is about to expire.

Also, the pregnant couple can't make it to the ribbon cutting. They had their

baby this morning. They're not coming? How could they?

Well, I'm not sure they had a say in the matter, Joyce.

They were the centerpiece of my ribbon cutting and my brochure.

This whole day is getting away from me.

All right, I just need to splash some cold water on my face, get back out

and turn this thing around.

You need to rest, okay? You probably have a concussion.

Concussion? I just need to splash some cold water on my face, get back out

there, and turn this day around. Okay, well, the repetition is very concerning

to me. Joyce, listen, we've got this, all right? I will go out there, and I

do some damage control.

And we will find a new pregnant couple. Like who? My next -door neighbor, Becky?

She's not even pregnant, Alex. It's just a thyroid thing. Okay, well, um...

You guys!

Mancerina, you guys can be the pregnant couple.

Um, no, we can't. Yeah, Matt, go upstairs to OB and grab one of the

bumps. I guess I could wear a bump.

Times are a -changin'. For Serena. Yeah. Which is only slightly less insane.

See? Joyce, it's under control. We've got you.

Man, there is just something about Kelly, you know?

Goosebumps. Feel this. I don't mind, really.

Dr. Leonard, I have your results. So your blood pressure came back just a

teeny... Let's be bent high. With your age and cholesterol, we're going to need

to do an echocardiogram.

Well, I can't do an echocardiogram. That's going to take at least an hour.

tough break.

God, I can hang, though.

Oh, you're free to go.

Nah, I should stick around for moral support and emotional support. I've been

told I'm extremely emotional.

Let's redo it. I'm sure my blood pressure was a little high because I've

stressed out about missing my fishing trip.

Oh, you're going fishing. Right. I thought those were your church clothes.

Okay. So is everyone enjoying themselves over here?

Is that woman okay? She took a real face plant there. Yeah, she's fine.

Did you guys see that the cake pops are a little rattled? That looked pretty

serious, though.

Oh, no. Nah.

You know, part of me wonders if maybe she didn't do it on purpose.

You know, think about it. The floor that she smashed into could represent the

glass ceiling because everything is, you know, upside down for women in this

twisted world of ours.

What? Did I tell you guys that the cake pops are little rattles?

Oh, wow. So you guys are going to be the first people to give birth here.

That's what we're told.

So what made you choose this place?

Great question. It's really close to where I work.

Also where I eat lunch sometimes.

Right, Pumpkin?

Oh, pumpkin.

Yeah, that's right.

Big puppy.

Yeah. No, but really, they put a ton of work into this place.

Also, I heard the birthing center in Leighton has bed bugs.

And babies hate those.

And we have a full -time masseuse.

They won the CMTC Prize, which is basically the Oscars of deep tissue.

great. Maybe I will have another kid. Oh, well, yeah, this place is really

wonderful. I'm honored to be a small part of it. Well, I'm honored to be a

part of it. Oh, God.

Look at that. Hey, how, uh...

How you doing? Are you feeling okay?

What, from that little slip earlier? Come on. You have a pretty large goose

on your head.

It is a quail egg at most. Know your birds, sister.

Have you guys heard about our ergonomic birthing tubs? You know, they're made in

Italy.

Actually, they're made in Vietnam, but they are imported.

Ma 'am, your nose.

Excuse us for just a minute.

We don't even know if this is my blood.

Attaboy. Just breathe nice and deep. Please don't touch me. Okay. Reiki,

Just try and treat it all that well.

You know, just relax. Think of a happy place.

Okay, then we'll be out on Lake Wallowa with my buddies.

No talking, just blissful silence.

And the occasional hum from Theo's voice box.

Oh, rats. What? 170 over 89?

I mean, that's even higher than it was before.

I'm sorry, I have to consult cardiology.

Okay, with your age and risk factors, they may want to do an angiogram.

But an angiogram's going to take hours. By the time I get there, all the cabin

rooms are going to be chosen, and I'm going to have to share with Theo, who

all philosophical around bedtime.

Is that a solo run?

I don't know, Theo.

Okay, let's do it again.

I'm going to bring my blood pressure down right now.

Shut up!

Have you guys had a chance to do a baby move? We went to Nashville.

Honestly, it's just nice to be home with him. Usually he's on the row 365 with

his band, his Vanessa Carlton cover band.

Yeah, the Vanessa Carltoons. You've got to come to a show. We do a two -hour

version of A Thousand Miles, and then we close with a hip -hop version of A

Thousand Miles.

Yeah, we actually met at one of the shows two years ago.

Yeah, I was in the audience sitting on my uncle's shoulders.

And as I lifted up my top, our eyes met and they haven't looked away since.

Joyce, what are you doing? You need to be in a bed far away from here. Well, I

don't want to listen to this right now. And thankfully, because of the ringing

in my ears, I don't have to. So if you'll excuse me. You are not going back

there. I'm sorry.

I'm not going to take advice from someone who, let's face it, caused this

thing to begin with. I caused it.

I've just been supporting you all day.

Exactly. Stop doing that. You and your whole, oh, girl power spice up your

It made me overconfident.

Okay, I am not going to take this personally because you're obviously

but that's exactly why you can't go back out there.

You know what? You're right.

You saved the day as per usual. I put my heart and soul into this place, and all

I wanted was one moment where someone would say, Joyce Henderson put St.

on the map. But no, you take it. You take my moment.

Do you realize the toll this place has taken on me? My life is a bottomless pit

of ass.

All the late nights that I have fallen asleep in my office and had to take a

horse bath in the sink the next day. You don't get clean doing that. At least I

don't. You've sacrificed a lot, Joyce. There's no question.

So then I have revenge sex with a part -time worker at a children's laser tag

establishment. And I'd do it again, but he won't call me back. Oh, my God,

Joyce. The other day, I asked my mailman if he will come in and have a cup of

tea with me. And he said no.

And now I don't even get my mail anymore.

Okay? And for all that heartache, what are people going to remember about me?

That Joyce Henderson fell off the... stage, onto her face, and then beat

a little bit.

Hey, guys. Val, we're talking. I know. We heard all of it out there.

You might want to turn off your mic.

Just going to grab some Skittles.

I cannot show my face out there after this.

I'm just going to stay in this gift shop forever. I live here now. No, you

don't. I'm just going to eat pop chips and pee in the potted plants, let them

grow, eat the leaves, circle of life.

Just go. Just go cut the ribbon. Let's be done with this.

Joyce, I'm so sorry.

I really wanted to see you have that moment. You deserved it. Just go.

Oh, I was going to tie the umbilical cord around my neck and then escape to

thunderous applause.

You can have that gag if you want to. I'll probably never get a chance to use

it. Yeah, I'll feel it out in a moment.

I spent the whole weekend clearing out my freezer to make room for the fish.

Three perfectly good hungry men. That's two pounds of smoking backyard barbecue.

Yeah, bad shake.

Hey, listen, the band Air is playing in Portland this weekend. When Kelly comes

back in, I need you to say something like, what's up with the air in here?

then I'll say, speaking of air, we should go to this concert.

I'm not doing that.

Oh, damn it. Air's sold out.

Could you think of a way to cast and bring up Maroon 5?

Enough of this. I'm not waiting any longer.

You have Kelly email me my results.

At least in my whole damn day.

Dr. Leonard?

Yeah, what is it?

This is Dr. Emerson.

She's a cardiothoracic surgeon. Oh, we know each other.

What's going on? Ron, I want to talk to you about your results.

Okay, of course. Is he all right?

Bruce. Could you give us a minute? Brooke, please.

This is my third best friend. I'm not just going to leave him marooned in

Never mind.

Just get to it. I'm staying.

And that's why she left the Navy SEALs. I was dishonorably discharged.

Excuse me. I'm supposed to grab some photos of you two for the brochure.

Oh, yeah. Let's do it. All right. Yeah, just over here is good.

Maybe get a little closer. Put your arm around her.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, these look great.

So. You nervous?

No, why?

First baby.

Don't let this guy weasel his way out of diaper duty.

Oh, I don't want to have to worry about that.

I got lucky.

That's the best guy I know.

I'm big poppy.

Okay.

Hey, guys, it's about time for the ribbon cutting.

Oh, wait, could I get a quick kiss from the couple?

No, thank you.

Kissing's what got them into this mess, am I right?

Come on.

No. Really? Just a little one. I mean, you guys look so cute together. We said

no, Pearl.

Okay. Why don't we go cut that ribbon?

Yeah. You can see here there's multivessel coronary blockages.

This is your LAD artery. LAD artery. Yeah, I see it. Yeah.

How much?

About 90 % blockage.

Wow. Yeah. You're going to need a triple bypass.

How soon?

It's kind of a...

How's your week looking type of thing?

I'll do it.

What? I'll perform the surgery.

Nothing should be me.

You're not a heart surgeon, so that makes no sense.

Well, with all due respect, Dr. Emerson, I think it's up to Ron. That's insane.

Fair enough. I'll assist.

No. Well, then I'll watch from the hallway.

You can't stop me. You're not allowed.

That's fine.

Hey, it's going to be okay.

You know my greatest joy as mayor is welcoming wonderful new resources to the

community. That and getting out of speeding tickets.

Build a casino!

Now to do the honors, representing St. Dennis Medical, Nurse Alex Mizurki.

Congratulations.

This has been an amazing achievement.

Thank you.

Yeah, you know what? This just feels wrong.

There is a woman who has sacrificed so much to make this possible.

I mean, just a few months ago, this whole space was filled with broken crash

carts and what turned out to be a new species of spider.

But now it's the place where our community is going to give birth to the

generation.

And that is all because of Joyce Henderson.

She is an incredible leader who has a vision.

and wills it into existence, even if it almost kills her.

Oh, we did relocate the spiders, by the way. I should mention that.

Anyway, she should come up here and cut this because she deserves it.

So, joy.

Run.

You just texted me. What happened?

To me? What the hell happened to you? It's a long story. Who cares?

Joyce, if it's not about bypass surgery, long is good.

Look, I know you're scared, and I know that... Please, can we talk about

something else?

Well, I fell off stage, and there is a video of it.

Hallelujah. Cue it up. I mean, if I'm going to die, at least I should see...

Damn!

You did this?

Some people said I looked cool.

Today did not go the way I envisioned.

Do I blame the women's choir?

No.

A little. But nevertheless, we persisted. We figured it out as a team.

And you know what Sisyphus' real problem was?

He was so focused on that boulder, he didn't realize he had friends all around

him supporting him.

cheering him on, doing whatever it took to help him get up that hill.

And in the end, that's what the story of Sisyphus is really about.

Friendship.

Hey.

Hey.

You, uh, you had her baby.

Yeah, I forgot to text you.

Oh, man, I wanted to be there.

The photographer was kind of weird, right?

Oh, my God. He was, like, obsessed with us kissing.

Totally. It's like, back off, dude. I know. We're not going to kiss just

you're yelling at us.

Exactly. I mean, when we kiss, it'll be because we want to.

Right.

When we kiss.