Original subtitles

[hammer banging]

- The best part about having a baby

is coming up with a name for it.

And I'm happy to report that my little bundle of joy,

the Birthing Center, finally has one.

Our original name,

the Irving Women's Birthing Center,

was named after our generous benefactor, Amelia Irving.

But that became problematic when her ex-husband,

uh, got into some mischief. [chuckles]

- Mischief?

He owned, like, 18 underground massage parlors.

- OK. Anyway...[chuckles]

I convinced Amelia to use her maiden name,

Amelia White, instead.

- Uh, Joyce, have you seen this?

- What?

- Oh, [bleep].

[sighs]

- Maybe no one will notice.

- [bleep].

[upbeat music]

? ?

- Well, today's the big day,

the ribbon cutting of the Birthing Center.

Can you believe it?

Oh, this year has tested me.

You know, I've often felt like Sisyphus

pushing a giant boulder up an endless hill.

But you know what no one ever talks about

is the part of the story where he makes it up the hill

and everyone's cheering him on and saying,

hey, good job, Sisyphus. [laughs]

- Where do you want these sashes?

Also, why are there sashes?

- They're for the first couple who signed up

to give birth here.

I want them front and center.

They're cool, they're diverse,

and they just scream fertility. [chuckles]

- This is a lot of seats, Joyce.

- Well, I cast a wide net.

You know, there's politicians, press, mommy bloggers.

- Ooh, reserved for "The New York Times."

Wow. [chuckles]

Are they actually coming?

- Well, I sent the invitation and said,

let me know if you can't come.

So I haven't heard anything.

Think it's looking good.

- Yas! - Chicas to the front!

- Technically, we're not working today,

but Joyce hired a few of us to come in

and help with the event.

I think we're basically here to be her cheerleaders.

J-O-Y-C-E! [laughs]

I was an alternate on the cheerleading team

in high school.

- I've just been using Spice Girls lyrics.

"Girl power!" "Get it on, get it on."

I'm still trying to work in "zig-a-zig-ah."

- So we just have to put this up

and then the rest of those decorations?

Can't believe we're getting time and a half for this.

- Oh, I'm not getting paid.

But Joyce said it would mean a lot to her,

and that's money in the bank.

- Wow, I've seen some pretty sick things in this building.

Can't say I've seen a ribbon shaped like an umbilical cord.

- Oh, this is nothing.

You should see the ribbon Joyce made for the Urology Center.

- [snickers] - Wow.

Look at this guy.

- Oh, my God, gross!

- What? I think he's kind of cute.

Serena, I need skin to skin!

- Ew! Get it away!

- Bond with me.

- You are such a freak.

- Um, hey, by the way, uh-

and we don't have to talk about this

if you don't want to, but are you doing OK

since the whole Steve thing?

- Oh, yeah. Totally over it.

He keeps texting me gym selfies

followed by, oops, wrong number.

OK, dude.

- I'm ready for solids!

Wah! [both chuckle]

- Uh, you don't have to film me.

I-I'm not even here today.

Doctors have to take an annual physical to keep our insurance.

And because God hates me, mine fell on the day

that I was supposed to go on a fishing trip

with some old buddies.

Do you know how hard it is to reschedule something

with a bunch of 70-year-olds

who are totally inept at texting?

This trip was originally scheduled for 2010.

- I'm ready for my next victim.

[chuckles]

No, I'm just joking. I'm kidding.

Um, Dr. Bruce Schweitz?

- Here we go. [sighs]

It's gonna be hard to beat last year's numbers,

but let's see if those wheatgrass enemas

managed to move the needle.

Hello. - Bruce!

Hey, Bruce. - Ronnie.

Hey, look at that adorable outfit.

- We need to take our physicals at the same time.

- Oh? We do?

- That's not usually how we do it.

- Yeah, I know, but we're, um, best friends,

and we do everything together.

- Aw. You sweeties!

- Yeah. - Oh, how do I say no to that?

Come on back.

- OK.

Best friend.

That is so sweet. [chuckles]

A little misguided.

I'd say Ron's probably my third best friend.

He could get to number one.

But Mom's not giving up that throne without a fight.

- Joyce, will you look at this turnout?

- That's right, haters.

Ain't no party like a Big J party,

'cause a Big J party seats 150.

- [chuckles] - Oh.

Councilmen Duffy and Stark just walked in.

Gay! - Val!

- What? I know those guys. They're gay.

- Oh.

Well, I guess that's OK, then.

- Hold on.

The Mom-unist came?

Joyce, she's, like, a huge mommy blogger.

- Yeah, I know, and today all 4 million of her followers

are gonna watch me perform.

- Perform?

You're just giving some remarks, right?

- No, Alex. I'm singing with the choir.

- Oh.

- Actually, a better description would be,

the choir will be singing with me.

- Wow, what a great idea.

- Zig-a-zig-ah.

- [gasps] I love that.

- I've never done two doctors at once before.

I believe they call this a Hippocratic three-way.

[chuckles] Anyway, I'm gonna do some blood work,

and then we'll check your blood pressure.

- Yep, we know the drill. We're doctors.

- OK, sassafras.

- And just FYI, I'm not great with needles,

so if we could just take it slow.

- You're already taking it too slow.

- It's OK. Just look at me, Bruce.

I want you to listen to my voice.

I want you to look deep down into my eyes.

Do you see the tiny golden fleck

floating around in the pool of my eye?

I want you to find it for me.

I need you to.

Do you see it, Dr. Bruce?

- Yeah, I see it.

- And done.

Easy-peasy, mac and cheesy.

- What-what kind of sorcery?

Did you see that?

- Yep!

Here you go.

What's next?

[rhythmic stomping, clapping, fingers snapping]

- ? What happens when a woman takes power? ?

? What happens when she won't back down? ?

? What happens when a woman takes power? ?

? What happens? What happens? ?

- ? Oh, oh, oh ?

- ? What happens when she rules her own body? ?

- ? Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh ?

- ? What happens when she sets the beat? ?

? What happens when she bows to nobody? ?

? What happens when she stands on her own two feet? ?

? Here she comes, here she comes ?

? Here our righteous woman comes! ?

[rhythmic stomping, clapping, fingers snapping]

- ? What happens when a woman go- ?

Ah! - Ooh!

- Joyce! Oh!

- Oh, God.

- Hold still, OK? - [bleep].

- Val and I are coming. - [groans, coughs]

- Oh, God. - One, two, three.

- [bleep]. I'm OK. I'm OK.

Don't worry.

[bleep]. [groans]

.

- Why couldn't they just keep singing?

No one would have noticed!

- Maybe. Possibly.

- [sighs] Humiliating.

- I don't get it.

You just fell? No one pushed you or anything?

You just walked right off the stage?

- Yes, Matthew.

Quite the pep talk. Thank you.

- I can't believe I missed that.

No, just 'cause I could have caught you.

- Oh. - You're a sweet bean.

But it was a dead drop.

I would have crushed your bones.

I can only imagine what they're saying out there,

and it's not, hey, that was a pretty cool-looking fall.

Well, maybe some people are saying that.

You know, it's a good thing

"The New York Times" forgot to come.

- Yeah. Yeah, we got lucky there.

- Hey, a couple messages from reception.

Your car warranty is about to expire.

Also, the pregnant couple can't make it to the ribbon cutting.

They had their baby this morning.

- They're not coming?

How could they?

- Well, I'm not sure they had a say in the matter, Joyce.

- They were the centerpiece of my ribbon cutting

and my brochure!

[groans] This whole day is getting away from me.

[sighs] All right, I just need to splash

some cold water on my face, get back out there,

and turn this thing around. - No, Joyce, uh-uh.

You need to rest, OK?

You probably have a concussion.

- Concussion?

I just need to splash some cold water on my face,

get back out there, and turn this day around.

- OK, well, the repetition is very concerning to me.

Joyce, listen, we've got this, all right?

I will go out there, and I will do some damage control.

And we will find a new pregnant couple.

- Like who, my next-door neighbor Becky?

She's not even pregnant, Alex.

It's just a thyroid thing.

- OK, well, um,

you guys! Matt and Serena,

you guys can be the pregnant couple.

- Wait, what? - Um, no, we can't.

- Yeah, Matt, go upstairs to OB

and grab one of the silicone bumps.

- I guess I could wear a bump.

Times are a-changin'.

- For Serena. - Yeah.

- Which is only slightly less insane.

- See, Joyce?

It's under control.

We've got you.

- Man, there is just something about Kelly, you know?

I mean, goose bumps. Feel this.

- No. - I don't mind, really.

- Mm-mm.

- Dr. Leonard, I have your results.

So your blood pressure came back

just a teensy bit high. - Hmm.

- With your age and cholesterol,

we're gonna need to do an echocardiogram.

- Well, I can't do an echocardiogram.

That's gonna take at least an hour.

- Oof, tough break.

God. I can hang, though.

- Oh, you're free to go.

- Nah, I should stick around for moral support

and emotional support.

I've been told I'm extremely emotional.

- Let's redo it.

I'm sure my blood pressure was a little high

'cause I've been so stressed out

about missing my fishing trip.

- Oh, you're going fishing. Right.

I thought those were your church clothes.

OK.

- So is everyone enjoying themselves over here?

[chuckles] - Um, is that woman OK?

She took a real face-plant there.

- Yeah, she's fine.

So-oh, did you guys see that the cake pops

are little rattles?

- That looked pretty serious, though.

- Oh, no. Nah.

I don't think- you know, uh, part of me

wonders if maybe she didn't do it on purpose, you know?

Think about it.

The floor that she smashed into,

uh, could represent the glass ceiling.

Uh, because everything is, you know, upside down

for women in this- in this twisted world of ours.

- What?

- Did I tell you guys that the cake pops are little rattles?

- Oh, wow, so you guys are gonna be the first people

to give birth here.

- That's what we're told.

- Oh, so what made you choose this place?

- Great question.

It's, uh-it's really close to where I work,

um, also where I eat lunch sometimes, right, Pumpkin?

- Oh, "Pumpkin."

Yeah, that's right, Big Papi. - Yeah.

- No, but really, they put a ton of work into this place.

Also, I heard the birthing center in Layden has bedbugs.

- [gasps] - And babies hate those.

- And we have a full-time masseuse.

They won the CMTC prize, which is basically

the Oscars of deep tissue.

- Sounds great.

Maybe I will have another kid.

- Oh, wow.

Yeah, this place is really wonderful.

I'm honored to be a small part of it.

- Well, I'm honored to be a big part of it.

- Oh, God. - Look at that. Hey.

How, uh-how you doing?

You feeling-feeling OK?

- What, from that little slip earlier?

Come on. - Hmm.

- You have a pretty large goose egg on your head.

- Uh, it is a quail egg at most.

Know your birds, sister.

- OK. [chuckles awkwardly]

- Have you guys heard about our ergonomic birthing tubs?

You know, they're made in Italy.

Actually, they're made in Vietnam,

but they are imported.

- Uh, ma'am, your nose.

- Oh, Joyce. Um...

excuse us for just a minute.

- You don't even know if this is my blood.

- [sighs]

- Yeah, attaboy. Just breathe nice and deep.

- Please don't touch me. - OK, Reiki, then.

- Just try and tune it all out, Ron.

You know, just relax. Think of a happy place.

- OK, that would be out on Lake Wallowa with my buddies.

No talking, just blissful silence

and the occasional hum from Theo's voice box.

- Oh, rats! What?

170 over 89? - [sighs]

- I mean, that's even higher than it was before.

- [sighs] - I'm sorry.

I have to consult Cardiology, OK?

With your age and risk factors,

they may want to do an angiogram.

- But an angiogram's gonna take hours.

By the time I get there, all the cabin rooms

are gonna be chosen, and I'm gonna have to share with Theo,

who gets all philosophical around bedtime.

[as Theo with voice box] Is there a soul, Ron?

[normally] I don't know, Theo!

OK, let's do it again.

[sighs] I'm gonna bring my blood pressure down right now.

[sighs]

- [whispering] Hey. - Hmm?

- [whispering] You like tapas? - Shut up!

- Have you guys had a chance to do a babymoon?

We went to Nashville.

- Honestly, it's just nice to be home with him.

Usually he's on the road 365 with his band,

his Vanessa Carlton cover band.

- Yeah, the Vanessa Carl-tunes.

You got to come to a show.

We do a two-hour version of "A Thousand Miles,"

and then we close with a hip-hop version

of..."A Thousand Miles." - Yeah.

Uh, we actually met at one of his shows two years ago.

- Aw. - Yeah.

I was in the audience, sitting on my uncle's shoulders.

And as I lifted up my top, our eyes met,

and they haven't looked away since.

- Joyce, what are you doing?

You need to be in a bed, far away from here.

- Well, I don't want to listen to this right now.

And thankfully, because of the ringing in my ears,

I don't have to.

So if you'll excuse me, I'll just be-

- You are not going back out there!

- I'm sorry.

I'm not gonna take advice from someone

who-let's face it-caused this whole thing to begin with.

- I caused it? - [chuckles]

- How? I've just been supporting you all day.

- Exactly. Stop doing that.

You and your whole, "oh, girl power,

spice up your life,"

it made me overconfident!

- OK, I am not gonna take this personally

because you're obviously concussed.

But that's exactly why you can't go back out there.

- You know what? You're right.

You saved the day, as per usual.

I put my heart and soul into this place,

and all I wanted was one moment where someone would say,

Joyce Henderson put St. Denis on the map.

But no, you take it.

You take my moment.

[microphone feedback squeals, crowd murmuring]

Do you realize the toll this place has taken on me?

My life is a bottomless pit of ass!

[murmuring]

All the late nights that I have fallen asleep in my office

and had to take a whore's bath in the sink the next day.

You don't get clean doing that.

At least, I don't.

- You've sacrificed a lot, Joyce.

There's no question.

- So then I have revenge sex

with a part-time worker

at a children's laser tag establishment.

And I'd do it again, but he won't call me back.

- Oh, my God, Joyce.

- The other day, I asked my mailman

if he will come in and have a cup of tea with me,

and he said no.

And now I don't even get my mail anymore, OK?

And for all that heartache,

what are people gonna remember about me?

That Joyce Henderson fell off the stage onto her face

and then peed herself a little bit.

- Hey, guys. - Val, we're talking!

- I know. We heard all of it out there.

You might want to turn off your mic.

I'm just gonna grab some Skittles.

.

- I cannot show my face out there after this.

I'm just gonna stay in this gift shop forever.

I live here now. - No, you don't.

- I'm just gonna eat popchips and pee in the potted plants,

let them grow, eat the leaves- circle of life.

Look, just go. Just go cut the ribbon.

Let's be done with this.

- Joyce, I'm so sorry.

I really wanted to see you have that moment.

You deserved it.

- Just go.

Oh, I was, uh-

I was gonna tie the umbilical cord around my neck

and then escape to thunderous applause.

You can have that gag if you want to.

I'll probably never get a chance to use it.

- Yeah, I'll feel it out in the moment.

- I spent the whole weekend clearing out my freezer

to make room for the fish.

Three perfectly good Hungry Mans-

that's 2 pounds of Smokin' Backyard Barbeque.

- Oh, yeah, bad shake.

Hey, listen, the band Air is playing

in Portland this weekend.

When Kelly comes back in, I need you to say something

like, uh, what's up with the air in here?

And then I'll say, speaking of air,

we should go to this concert.

- I'm not doing that.

- Oh, damn it. Air is sold out.

Uh, could you think of a way to casually bring up Maroon 5?

- Enough of this.

I'm not waiting any longer.

You have Kelly email me my results.

- [sighs] - Waste of my whole damn day.

- Dr. Leonard? - Yeah, who is this?

- This is Dr. Emerson.

She's a cardiothoracic surgeon.

- Oh, we know each other. What's going on?

- Ron, I want to talk to you about your results.

- OK. Of course. - Is he all right?

- Bruce, could you give us a minute?

- Brooke, please.

This is my third best friend.

I'm not just gonna leave him marooned in here.

Never mind. [clears throat]

Just get to it. I'm staying.

- And that's why she left the Navy SEALs.

- I was dishonorably discharged.

- Excuse me.

I'm supposed to grab some photos of you two

for the brochure.

- Oh, yeah. Let's do it. - Sure.

- All right. Yeah, just over here is good.

Uh, maybe get a little closer.

Put your arm around her?

- Oh. [chuckles] Yeah, sure.

[camera shutter clicking]

- Oh, these look great.

So you nervous?

- No. Why?

- First baby! - Oh.

- Don't let this guy weasel his way out of diaper duty.

- Oh, I won't have to worry about that.

I got lucky.

Matt's the best guy I know.

- I'm Big Papi.

- OK.

- Hey, guys, it's, uh, time for the ribbon cutting.

- Oh, wait, can I get a quick kiss from the couple?

- Oh.

- Oh, uh, no, thank you. - Yeah, we're good.

- Kissing is what got them into this mess.

Am I right? [chuckles]

- Come on.

- No. - Really?

Just a little one.

I mean, you guys look so cute together.

- We said no, perv! - We're not your puppets.

- OK, why don't we go cut that ribbon?

- Yeah.

- You can see-here-there's multivessel coronary blockages.

This is your LAD artery-

- LAD artery.

Yeah, I see it.

- Yeah.

- How much, uh-

- About 90% blockage.

- Wow. - Yeah.

You're gonna need a triple bypass.

- How soon?

- It's kind of a "how's your week looking" type of thing.

- I'll do it.

- What?

- I'll perform the surgery.

It should be me.

- You're not a heart surgeon, so that makes no sense.

- Well, with all due respect, Dr. Emerson,

I think it's up to Ron. - That's insane.

- Fair enough. I'll assist.

- No.

- Well, then I'll watch from the hallway.

You can't stop me. You're not allowed.

- That's fine.

- Hey, it's gonna be OK.

- You know my greatest joy as mayor

is welcoming wonderful, new resources

to the community,

that and getting out of speeding tickets.

[laughter] - Build a casino!

- Um, now, to do the honors, representing St. Denis Medical,

nurse Alex Mazurkian.

[applause]

- Oh, please. [chuckles] Thank you.

- Congratulations.

This is an amazing achievement.

- Thank you. Um...

Um...[clears throat]

Yeah, you know what? This just feels wrong.

There is a woman who has sacrificed

so much to make this possible.

I mean, just a few months ago, this whole space was

filled with broken crash carts and what turned out

to be a new species of spider.

But now it's a place where our community

is going to give birth to the next generation.

And that is all because of Joyce Henderson.

She is an incredible leader who has a vision

and wills it into existence, even if it almost kills her.

[phone chimes] Oh, uh, we did, uh...

- Oh, my God.

- Relocate the spiders, by the way.

I should mention that, so, um...

anyway, she should come up here and cut this

because she deserves it.

So, Joyce.

[applause]

.

- Ron! Bruce just texted me. What happened?

- To me? What the hell happened to you?

- It's a long story. Who cares?

- Joyce, if it's not about bypass surgery,

long is good.

- Look, I know you're scared, and I know that-

- Please, can we talk about something else?

- Well, I, uh-

I fell offstage, and there is a video of it.

- Hallelujah. Cue it up.

I mean, if I'm gonna die, at least I should see-

- Don't say that.

- Damn!

You did this?

- Some people said it looked cool.

Today did not go the way I envisioned.

Do I blame the women's choir?

No.

A little.

But nevertheless, we persisted.

We figured it out as a team.

And you know what Sisyphus' real problem was?

He was so focused on that boulder,

he didn't realize he had friends all around him,

supporting him, cheering him on,

doing whatever it took to help him get up that hill.

And in the end, that's what the story of Sisyphus

is really about-

friendship.

[chuckles]

- Hey.

- Hey. - You, uh-you had our baby.

- Yeah. I forgot to text you.

- Oh, man, I wanted to be there.

[both chuckle]

Uh, that photographer was kind of weird, right?

- Oh, my God, he was, like, obsessed with us kissing.

- Totally.

It's like, back off, dude. - I know.

- We're not gonna kiss just 'cause you're yelling at us.

- Exactly.

- I mean, when we kiss,

it'll be 'cause we want to.

- Right.

When we kiss.

[soft music]

? ?

[bell clangs]

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