Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

♪ Roses are red ♪

♪ And violets are blue ♪

♪ One day we'll cruise ♪

♪ Down Blood Gulch Avenue ♪

♪ It's red versus red ♪

♪ And blue versus blue ♪

♪ It's I against I and me against you ♪

♪ Violets are blue ♪

♪ Roses are red ♪

♪ Living like this we were already dead ♪

♪ Hop in my car it don't have any doors ♪

♪ It's built like a cat ♪

♪ It lands on all fours ♪

♪ My car's like a puma ♪

♪ It drives on all fours ♪

moans

Come on, Mr. Blue guy,

You gotta wake up, wake up.

It hurts, just let me die.

You can't die.

I'm bored!

All these girls wanna talk about is chick stuff,

and not the fun chick stuff like ribbons and unicorns.

I don't have treads,

but I often find them staring

at things that they really shouldn't be.

You see, boring stuff.

Like oppression, and a hostile work environment.

Get Doc, I need Doc.

I can't.

He got possessed by the evil guy and they escaped.

He's the one that shot you.

Don't you remember?

I know.

I want him to shoot me again.

Now, now, now,

sounds like someone's got a case of the poor me's.

If you were gonna die, you would've done it by now.

Maybe you just need to realize

you're going to have to live with intense pain.

Get that Sarge guy.

Have him make me a new body.

Oh, we can't.

We're out of parts because we overused that joke.

And Sarge left with the others to chase Doc.

But don't you worry,

they left a long time ago,

so I'm sure they'll be back any minute.

Simmons had a foolproof plan to catch him.

Hello? (force field buzzes)

Hello?

Is anybody here?

Just great.

I guess we all got separated in the teleporter.

(radio warbles)

Sarge, this is Simmons 2.0, do you read me?

Apparently your plan to chase Lopez and Doc

has failed miserably.

I appear to be stuck in some kind of nexus of teleporters,

which could take me anywhere in the universe.

Or it's the janitor's closet,

Hell, I don't fuckin' know.

Sarge, are you there, Sarge?

(soft guitar music) (water flows)

Hello, anyone?

Do you read me?

Do I read you?

Anyone, anybody?

Nobody, okay. (radio clicks)

Well, I don't think the others are coming.

They must've gotten separated somehow.

My toes are getting pruney.

Okay.

Why don't we try to find O'Malley?

I know where you can find O'Malley.

He lived inside my helmet for awhile.

Maybe he left an address to send his mail.

We were like roommates.

Sounds like he took

some of the furniture when he left.

And the carpet, and the drapes.

And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back,

if you know what I mean.

Sergeant, look, a sleeping person.

What?

Holy macaroon.

He's not sleeping, son.

He's dead.

Oh good.

At first, I thought that was me,

because I am blue and I like to sleep.

But if he is dead, that cannot be me.

That would be silly.

No doubt he was killed by our very enemy.

Once again, I find myself torn.

On the one hand,

there's one less blue in the universe,

but now Doc's got a bigger body count than me,

and that just won't do.

No, sir.

Rest in peace, scumbag.

Look, more sleeping people.

It must be nap time.

But who has nap time now?

Nap time comes before pants time, not after.

I think these people are just making up times.

What the Samuel Helsinki happened here?

It must've been an enormous battle.

Hello, is anyone okay?

Are there any survivors?

Preferably any red survivors.

Don't let that discourage you from speaking up

if you're blue,

I won't step on your neck or anything like that.

Am I allowed to answer?

Shh, quiet.

You hear that?

Yes. (trumpet plays Reveille)

That noise is called water.

It is very wet and very sloshy...

I was talking about the trumpet, bluetard.

I have to go to the bathroom now

for some reason,

which is odd because I already went

when we were standing in the creek together.

Wait a minute, I know that song.

That's Reveille.

But why would someone be playing Reveille

in the middle of a-

(Blue soldier yells)

(soldiers yell and cheer)

Sweet jibbly jiblets!

Running time!

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut hut

And jump.

Huay ho huay ho ho hey ho ha ya

ho ya yo yuh!

What just happened here?

I think all the sleepy people

were trying to k-

That was rhetorical.

(indistinct shouting)

Get over here, give me a boost.

Okay.

You are a good person and people say nice things about you.

Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one.

I need to see what's in that window.

That window is very high.

I don't think you are tall enough.

I know.

I need you to help me look through it.

I don't think I am tall enough either.

Also, my head is round.

That window is square.

Come 'ere you.

I'm gonna kill me a red...

Whoa!

and when I get him I'm gonna chop his guts out

What do you see?

I'm going to eat 'em right there.

I see a room.

And what's in the room?

There are some walls and some ceilings.

Wait, just one ceiling.

What's making all that racket?

Kill the reds, kill the reds,

kill the reds, kill the reds, kill the reds!

You are not going to like it.

Caboose, I have a very bad feeling ab-

(trumpet plays Charge)

What's that?

Charge!

(soldiers cheer and shout)

(guns fire)

Come on, Caboose,

we gotta get to higher ground.

(guns fire)

Yeah I love reloading, I love to reload!

Oh, back of the head!

D'oh, tell my girlfriend that I love her.

She's my girlfriend now bitch!

C'mon, Caboose!

(guns fire)

(indistinct shouting)

Sarge, I am scared of our new friends.

Hot Sonny Bono, what's goin' on here?

Stop fighting,

stop fighting everyone, stop fighting!

All look alike to me...

Everyone, everyone.

Look unto me!

I possess the blue flag!

It's more beautiful

than I ever imagined.

I have seen the top of the mountain!

And you will worship me as though I were a God!

(soldier punches)

I regret nothing!

I lived as few men dare to dream!

(guns fire)

Hell yeah!

Oh no!

Head shot!

Oh, you rocket whore!

Hey I got some, you want some?

I got some for you!

How 'bout you?

The only good blue is a dead blue!

Christ this water's cold.

[Red And Blue Soldiers} Hey Ho, Hey Ho, Hey Ho,

hey ho, hey ho, hey, no!

Weak, you took my kill!

I didn't see your name on it.

(gun fires)

Oh, you fucking camping bitch!

It's a legitimate strategy!

Whoa!

Damn!

Hey, blue, we're the only two left.

Let's work together.

What do you mean?

I'm comin' out.

Okay, I'm coming out too.

What did you mean we could work as a team?

(Red Soldier whacks)

I bash you in the head with my rifle

and you die.

Good teamwork you fucking noob.

Good game, good game everybody!

GG man, GG.

Wah!

I have no earthly idea

what it is I just saw,

or what this place is,

or where in the Hell O'Malley is.

My only choice is to blame Grif

for coming up with such a flawed plan.

Stupid, stupid Grif.

I am so confused.

Where is Church?

I need Church to tell me what to think.

Church can handle this.

He can handle anything.

Hey, asshole, for the last time,

let me outta this goddamn jail cell!

Yeah, let him out.

He's driving me nuts.

Oh, shut up, red.

Nobody asked you.

I shoulda never listened

to Donut's stupid fuckin' plan.

(soft guitar music) Okay, let's see,

if I wire this thing in to that,

maybe I could signal boost on that thing there,

I might just be able to get that to work.

Caboose, Caboose, keep them away from me!

Get that one.

And that one.

No no, the one with the limp!

Get 'im!

Sarge, is that you?

I don't want to kill

but I don't want to die even more.

Sarge, Caboose, can you hear me?

Yes, I heard you, Sergeant.

I didn't say anything, numbnuts.

Caboose, we have to break this never ending cycle

of attack and retaliation either by

A: convincing the two sides to live in peace,

or B: by getting ourselves completely involved,

and kicking some serious ass!

I vote B.

I have a plan Sergeant,

but we will have to move quick.

Listen: (Whispering) whisper whisper whisper.

Do you think that will work?

That's your plan?

All you said was whisper, whisper, whisper.

I know.

I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

Hgggh, come on, I have an idea.

(soft guitar strumming)

This sucks man.

I have to do everything around here.

Go guard the wall, Phil.

Go paint the jeep Phil.

Go do everything Phil.

This sucks.

What was that?

Nothin', just stupid, sucky wind.

Breaking a twig, coming up behind me

and breathing, real heavy.

(dramatic musical score) What the?

Hello, mate.

(Wyoming punches) (Phil groans)

Oh man, this sucks, what's going on?

Right, here's the way this works.

I ask you a question, you tell me an answer.

One question, one answer.

I don't get the answer I like, we've got a problem.

And if we've got a problem, you've got a problem.

That clear?

Okay, just don't hurt me.

I'm a single parent.

Splendid, that's the attitude old chap.

Now, first question.

Where are you hiding the plans?

(phone rings)

Mhm, ahem, right.

Where are you hiding th-

(phone rings)

Right, need to get that, one second.

Hello?

Yes, this is he speaking.

Oh hello!

Yes, right.

Oh bugger.

Spell that with a T or an F, do you?

Thought you said something else.

No, I'll get right on it.

Getting bored.

Right, usual fee.

He won't be a problem.

No, I'll nip that one for you straight away.

Right, say hello to mum for me, cheerio.

Now, where were we?

Ah yes, looks like it's your lucky day, mate.

Oh, thank God.

Don't have time to torture you,

so I'm just going to have to kill you.

Oh, man, this sucks!

(gun fires)

Yeah, I'm gonna kill everybody!

Get the flag, get the flag, get the flag.

Get the fucking flag!

We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

We must protect this house!

This is our house!

Um, guys, look.

Where's our flag?

(red soldiers gasp) No!

The flag is gone?

What will we do?

If the flag is gone,

who will lead us?

Who will inspire us with their shiny pole?

Who will flag directions to us in battle?

We are lost, and the world as we knew it

is gone forever from our eyes,

only to live in our memories

as the days of salad and glory!

Truly these are the end of times!

Repent, repent!

This sucks, I'm leaving.

Yeah.

(upbeat music)

Yeah, great.

(music slows down)

Oh blue team, look what I have.

Oh blue team, look what...

wait, I messed up my line.

Let's start over.

They have our flag!

No they don't, they have our flag.

Listen you morons,

you're gonna have to work for us now.

What's in it for us?

Help us get out of here,

and we'll give you back your flags.

Then you can go back to senselessly killing yourselves.

Deal, ha, sucker.

Wait, why don't we just kill you guys

and take the flags back?

Hmm, yeah!

(gun fires)

Oh, you got owned.

I saw it, fucking owned.

Teams, teams, teams.

Shut up, teams are fine.

Teams are fine, teams are fine.

(guns fire) (indistinct shouting)

Caboose, I give up.

Wait, I can make them listen.

I can beat them.

Son, what are you talking about?

O'Malley taught me how to be mean.

I just have to concentrate on bad things.

Like milk.

No wait, red, Red Bull.

Son, I think you've really lost it.

O'Malley's not in your head anymore.

He infected the Doc.

No, I can feel him.

I just need to get angry

and say mean things, like, uh,

your brain is a mountain of hatred.

I never thought I'd reach

the moment in my life when I actually miss Grif,

but here it is.

Now I am thinking about kittens,

Guh, kittens covered in spikes.

That makes me angry!

(yells and voice deepens)

(dramatic musical score)

My name is Michael J. Caboose!

And I hate babies.

It's the beast!

The anti-flag, come to live among us

and rule us for seven years!

The end is nigh!

(Caboose punches)

Yikes!

Yowza!

Ow! Wee!

Wow!

Great Gustavo, what's going on down there?

(hologram crackles)

Sarge, Caboose, can you hear me?

Simmons 2.0?

I reconfigured a teleporter

to allow me to communicate with you.

I need to get you guys out of there.

Damn right we need to get out of here.

Get to your teleporter,

and I'll see what I can do from here.

Okay.

And, Sarge?

Yeah?

It's really great to see you again.

Oh, kiss my ass some other time.

Whatever you say, sir.

C'mon, Caboose, before they wake up again!

I will eat your unhappiness.

(trumpet plays Reveille)

Hurry up, Simmons!

All right, just give me a few more seconds

over here, Sarge.

We don't have a few more seconds!

Stop pressuring me.

I rely on you for love and support.

Your toast has been burned,

and no amount of scraping will remove the black part.

Oh, shut up, Caboose.

Okay, there, come through now!

C'mon, Caboose!

(distant shouting) (teleporter whirs)

Whoa, that was pretty close, huh?

Simmons, you get an F in efficiency,

but I have to give you an A plus in dramatic timing.

Thank you, sir.

I've always felt that presentation is what matters most.

What happened?

The last thing I remember was a very mean kitten,

and then we were in this janitor's closet,

and my throat hurts a lot.

What was that weird place, Sarge?

Simmons, I have absolutely no idea.

Well I guess it's back to basics, now!

Get ready for destruction, blues!

We're gonna kick your ass!

We have become death!

Destroyer of whe- oh wait, hold on.

I gotta take out the trash.

I'll be right back.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

your modifications are complete.

And my plan is coming to frution.

frusi- fru-frutition. Fr-

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(device trills)

Oh dude, come on, you gotta be kidding me.

[Vic On Answering Machine] Hey dude, it's Vic.

No solo mia, not in the casa right now,

so leave a message and I'll call you back.

Just leave your what's up at the yo....yo.

Oh, hey, Doctor Baron Von Evil Satan,

what's up, dude?

Dude, you don't come up on caller ID.

I'm not just gonna answer anything-

I'm in hiding you buffoon!

I'm trying to take over the universe! (laughs)

We're also on the Do Not Call list.

So how's that plot goin', dude?

I've called my bounty hunter in.

He'll take care of your little 'red and blue' problem

post-haste. (laughs maniacally)

Oh, cool!

Thanks for turning that around so quick, dude.

I know you're swamped.

and I'll crush every living soul in to dust, hahaha!

Except for you of course. Vic.

I'll make you Assistant Crusher.

Okay, dude, looking forward to that.

(guitar strums) And that brought

you back here, so theoretically one of these

teleporters should transport us back

to Blood Gulch, or anywhere else

that we want to go.

You understand?

Yes.

No.

What does thermoretically mean?

I probably could have saved a lot of time

by telling you these things work by magic.

I thought you told the story well.

I liked all the parts with me in them.

Any idea which ones go where?

Yeah, um, not really.

I found you two guys by accident.

And I don't want to start using teleporters at random.

We should definitely take the green one.

Okay, be quiet now.

We've gotta find a way to contact them.

Come in sergeant dude.

Hello, sergeant dude, are you there?

Vic?

Got some big news for you, dude.

Bad news, Tucker.

I just picked up a feed, you've been tagged.

Tagged?

That sounds bad.

Unless it means something sexual.

Does it mean something sexual?

It means something bad.

Oh yeah, like that's a surprise.

Someone's hired a freelancer to take you out.

Do you have any idea why?

I can't say.

Keeping secrets?

I find that attractive.

You do?

In attractive people, yeah.

Do you know who's after him?

A guy I know from training.

Name's Wyoming.

(laughs) Finally a name dumber than Donut.

Hey!

Yeah, okay.

Everybody in the division

was paired with an AI and code named for a state.

What was your code name, Tex?

Nevada.

One for each state.

So there's 50 of you?

49, remember?

Oh yeah, that's right.

Man, poor Florida.

(Tucker sighs)

Okay, anyway.

Well I'll make you a deal.

I still owe you one.

So if I take care of Wyoming, we're square.

Deal?

You realize that you want to protect me

from a guy who's trying to kill me.

What am I going to say, no?

I'll take that as a yes.

(guitar strums)

Eureka's hammer, I've got it!

I put a listening device

in one of the suits of armor I built.

We can use that to find out where they are.

But which one, Sarge?

Isn't one a huge bomb?

(chuckles) Yeah, I wouldn't turn that on.

Or maybe I should.

That way we can follow the enormous explosion

and huge plumes of smoke directly to them.

It'd be just like a homing device,

but Indian style.

I assume what you mean, sir,

is directly to the crater that they left.

Though crudely delivered I see your point.

Let's go with the listening device.

Great idea, sir.

Yes, it was.

Can I push the button to make it go?

Please?

Okay, Caboose, but just this once.

Yay!

Thanks.

(chuckles) What a little rascal.

I pushed the button.

Stay away from him, he's mine.

Man, I hate this, this sucks.

It's Church!

I just wanna lay around and do nothing.

I think it's Grif.

Right after I take this nice warm bubble bath.

Donut.

Let me see if I can

lock onto that signal, Sarge.

Okay, got it, go ahead.

Come in, Donut, come in.

Donut, do you read me?

Come in.

Sarge, you gotta help me!

You left me with one blue, but now there are three!

Vic was right, it was a trap all along!

Listen, Donut, Vic told me all about the blue plot.

That fella Tucker is gonna make up things,

craaazy things about Red and Blue.

You can't listen to him, you just can't!

Sarge, what should I do?

Don't let him catch on that you know.

Just act like you normally do.

Wait, not like you, act like someone more brave.

An' smarter, an' more masculine, for God's sake.

Okey dokey, Sarge.

He's a dead man, Simmons.

It's okay, sir.

I thought that you two were getting too close anyway,

and that's not good for the chain of command.

Try to open a teleporter to them.

I'll see if I can locate the other armor.

Yeah, more button pushing!

Caboose, don't touch that.

This is the button to find Church.

(device clicks)

Uh oh, that's not gonna be good.

Did he just do what I think he did?

Church is going to be so happy with me.

(wind whooshes) (Church belches)

Nice.

I bet I can beat it. (ticking from unknown source)

Oh, I wonder what caused that?

Hey church,

do you know your stomach is ticking?

Hey, I think I swallowed an alarm clock.

Gross.

Hey, it's one of the guards.

Pretend like you don't know me.

Guys I'm a red too, I'm a red!

I don't even know this guy!

Come on, let me out.

Thanks for the support, Grif.

Way to be a team player.

Hey, I gotta think about myself here.

There's no I in team, Grif.

Yeah, there's no "U" either.

So I guess if I'm not on the team,

and you're not on the team,

nobody's on the God damn team.

The team sucks!

What I can figure out

is why the reds are still here.

Tex already wiped out all the blues.

Why wouldn't they just pull out?

as someone who's taken orders

from red command for the last three years,

trust me, it's not that surprising.

(guitar strums)

Okay, we traced

the bomb activation signal to Sidewinder.

How much time do we have left, Sarge?

Everyone here is set to transport.

I'm not going through that thing.

I'm serious.

We need to get there as soon as possible.

Did you set their teleporter

to take them straight to Sidewinder?

I walked Donut through it.

He says he did everything right,

but I figured they have a 50/50 chance

of ending up in Sidewinder,

or in the middle of deep space.

What about us?

I programmed ours myself.

We're fine.

I find the risks acceptable.

I never knew a Phillips screwdriver

was the X one.

Do you think it's named after a guy named Phillip?

That guy Phillip must have a fucked-up-shaped head!

Yeah, screw this, I'm walking.

All right then, saddle up!

Don't worry, Grif and Church,

here comes the cavalry!

Hyaaa-

aaah!

Oh.

Uh, sir.

The teleporter I reprogrammed is over there.

Oh well, heads up evil-doers;

here we come to save the d-

ah forget it, let's just go.

♪ Nobody knows, the trouble I've seen. ♪

♪ Nobody knows but Jesus. ♪

Will you shut up?

You just can't face the fact

that I've adjusted to life on the inside.

I'm hard now.

Please, give me a break.

As the prison bitch,

I would not expect you to understand.

(guns fire)

(indistinct shouting)

What's going on out there?

Oh man, maybe our crew's come

to bust us out of the joint.

I don't know if I can live on the outside

anymore though, Church.

I'm all institutionalized and shit.

I don't know,

it sounds like whoever's fighting them is winning.

It can't possibly be our guys.

Hey, screw, aren't you gonna go help your buddies?

Oink oink.

(rapid footsteps)

(fist crunches)

(rhythmic footsteps) (rapid ticking)

(device beeps)

Hello, Church.

Wyoming, what are you doing here?

Been hired to do a job

with your little friend Tucker.

Seems he's discovered some information

that someone else isn't happy about.

Who's this cracker?

Ah, he's just some scumbag bounty hunter

that was in the same division as Tex.

Ah yes, dear Tex.

After I take care of your little friend Tucker,

I'll be taking care of her as well.

When I get outta here...

But you won't.

Everyone here is dead now.

No one even knows where you are.

So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death.

(chuckles) Cheerio.

We gotta find a way to escape, Grif.

If only we had bedsheets.

There's no window.

What good is tying together bedsheets gonna do us?

Who said anything about tying them together?

I wanna take a nap.

If I have to die of hunger,

I wanna do it in my sleep.

(guitar strums)

Good luck everyone, take care.

I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Thanks Sheila.

That was really nice of you.

Not really.

All my bag had with an air filter

and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Make sure to wash

your exhaust pipes every day.

Bye Sheila.

We'll come back for you soon.

I'll be waiting.

Okay, here they come.

(teleporter whirs)

Yeah, I knew I could fix a teleporter.

I guess these hands aren't just for manicuring after all.

Ye-huh.

Ow, crap!

What's all that black stuff on your armor?

Just me?

What the fuck?

Tucker, I am so glad to see you.

Here, let me help you clean your armor off

by rubbing you all over.

Ooh ooh, let me help!

Absolutely, Admiral Butter Crust.

Hmm, I don't see him.

Perhaps they've disguised him somehow.

Well played.

Gotcha.

So what's the plan, Sarge?

First, we need to locate Church

and get that bomb defused.

Then we can find Lopez,

download our plans,

and get back to fighting the blues.

And find Grif.

What?

And we also need to find Grif, right, sir?

Well, not every plan is perfect.

So I suppose we could accidentally find Grif along the way.

Okay Grif, I've been putting something off

that I can do to help us escape,

but I gotta warn you,

it might scare you a little bit.

You want scary,

you should try showering in cell block C.

Those guys are animals.

All right, here goes.

(door grinds)

You opened the doors?

that wasn't scary at all.

What?

I didn't do that.

Somebody on the outside must've done it.

All right, let's go.

Freedom!

It smells so sweet.

Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

There you are all clean.

Thanks, but you didn't need

to spend so much time on the cod piece, Donut.

A three coat waxing

is just my way of saying I care.

Well, there we are, mate.

Hello Wyoming.

Why don't you stop pointing that gun at my friend?

Allison, good to see you.

How's our dear friend, Omega?

You tell me.

He hired you, didn't he?

Now, how did you know that?

When someone lives in your head

for a few years you get to know him.

Where is he?

Oh, he'll be along shortly.

(gun cocks)

Very shortly.

Ah, crap.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

(guitar strums)

Only now do you realize the folly of your follies.

(laughs) Prepare for an oblivion,

for which there is no preparation.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

O'Malley, the Reds and Blues

are working together now!

You can't hope to beat us.

My metallic friend is the only ally I need.

Lopez, activate weather control routines.

Okay.

(lightning crackles)

Are those running symbols

the sign of some ancient technology?

No, I used to draw them

on my binder during study hall.

I always wanted to use them for something.

Aren't they cool?

Oh, Samson's back hair.

They found our secret weapon.

I developed a weather control device,

but I was missing one critical piece of technology

to make it work.

those D batteries,

the universe will be mine! (laughs)

Are you serious?

You couldn't find D batteries?

Only at gas stations,

and they're just so darn expensive there.

What's going on?

You want the long version or the short?

Basically you've got a fifty megaton bomb in your gut-

10, sir.

And Lopez is about to kill us all.

That didn't make any sense.

What's the long version?

That was the long version.

The short version is we're boned.

Hey, Grif, are you okay?

I've done hard time,Simmons.

I'm not the man you used to know.

Hard time?

We were only separated for five hours.

Time moves slower on the inside Simmons.

It seemed like seven or eight hours to me.

(explosion)

You're far too busy being foolish!

Ha, oblivion is at hand!

Sarge, I have an idea,

but I need you to distract him.

Will do!

(lightning cracks)

Grif, I've never believed in you.

Not even for a moment.

But now, is your chance to prove yourself.

To me.

What can I do, Sarge?

I need you to run right at O'Malley.

And shank him with my shiv?

No.

When he blows you up with the rocket,

try to see if you can get your dismembered limbs and guts

to clog the barrels of his rocket launcher.

You're kidding.

It's a remote chance, I know.

But it's worth a shot.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

Cover your ears, guys.

This thing is really loud.

This is it!

Not so fast, O'Malley!

Maybe we can't stop you, but I know who can!

(teleporter whirs)

All right, new level yeah!

(soldiers cheer)

Hey guys, you want your flag?

He's the one that has it.

The crusade has begun!

Our hour of glory is now at hand!

et all who would stand against us

be washed in our divine light!

(guns fire) (soldiers shout and cheer)

We need to disarm Church's bomb, Sarge.

Right.

(electricity crackles)

Yow, whoohoohoo!

Hold still, son, this'll just take a second.

Don't you ever install anything above the waist?

Oh no!

That last lightning bolt fused the detonator!

There's no way to turn this thing off.

Can you do it manually?

Impossible.

I specifically designed it

so that I wouldn't be able to defuse it.

Why?

In case I fell into the wrong hands,

and was brainwashed to help the blues.

Nice thinking, sir.

You had to get just one last ass kiss in

before we died didn't you?

(red and blue soldiers shout) (goofy music)

Let me try, let me try.

(red soldier laughs)

Take that, dude.

Church, there's only one thing I can do.

Hey, what the hell?

There's only 20 seconds left.

If I blow you up before the bomb goes off,

there's at least a small chance the rest of us will live.

But the rocket'll kill me!

10 seconds.

You're going to die anyway

when the bomb goes off.

What can I tell you, pal,

misery loves company.

Five seconds.

Sorry, Church.

Man, this blows.

You guys suck.

(gun fires)

What the Hell?

Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man.

Say goodbye, mate.

(device beeps)

Uh guys, I hate to interrupt,

but, zero seconds.

(rapid beeping) Uh oh.

(distorted beeping)

What?

Oh, son of a-

(explosion)

(high pitched tone)

(warbling sound effect)

What the-

The bomb must've gone off.

Where are we?

Are we dead? (clock chimes)

I don't want to be dead!

I want to be alive, or a cowboy.

Dead, oh man.

Tomorrow was all you can eat day at the chow hall.

And I wanted to eat all that I could.

We're not dead, idiots.

We're stuck in some kind of temporal...

whoa no!

Heads up boys, prepare for impact!

(guitar strums)

(groans) What happened?

Hey, he's awake!

I still want to know why I don't get a laser gun.

Shut up, dumbass.

Guys, Tucker's awake.

Huh?

Hey hey hey, take it easy Tucker, you've been out a while.

And I thought I was lazy.

What's going on?

Who are you people?

He has amnesia.

Tucker, don't worry.

You are safe.

We're the reds, we are your mortal enemies.

Wait, that didn't sound right.

Tucker, Tucker,

I am so glad you are alive.

Caboose?

Still so dumb, but you look so different.

We are in the future.

Things are very shiny here.

The future?

Oh I can't fuckin' wait to hear this one.

(gravel crunches)

Obviously Lopez's weather matrix

combined with the power of bomb 21

to create an explosion so large,

it caused a temporal rift in time,

that cascaded throughout the blo-

Whoa, wait a second, wait a second.

I don't understand.

Sarge, can we do the skit now?

Yeah!

Yes!

I don't want to do that dumb skit.

Fine, but only because

I wanna see Grif be miserable.

I miss the old days.

Great, places everyone!

(clears throat) The Red vs Blue players present,

a Franklin Donut play.

Written and directed by Franklin Donut.

In association with Light Red Danish Productions.

Can we just start?

(guitar strums)

And action.

Hello, weary traveler.

We represent the timeline.

I am the past,

where things cost less,

and people knew the value of a hard day's work.

But they only lived to be twenty-eight years old.

And I am the future,

where people have no morals and no emotions,

but we have a bunch of kick-ass gadgets.

And I'm the present, which sucks.

We have nothing cool, and also no morals.

And I am the helpful narrator,

a faceless voice used by poor writers.

You have a face, I think.

Shut up audience, you're ruining my play.

Everything was fine with the timeline,

until one day in the present.

Why does bad stuff always happen in the present?

Because that's when people do stuff.

Ah, quit yer bitching.

I have atrocities and a crapload of wars

that seemed very important at the time,

but now seem trivial and stupid.

Yeah, and I've got apocalypse.

That's way worse than anything you two dipshits have.

Sorry, sir, that dipshit was in character.

Oh, well, bravo Simmons.

One day, in the present,

a terrible thing happened.

Enter Stage Left.

Hello, I am stupid Private Tucker.

I am going to set off a big bomb now,

and totally mess things up for everyone.

Because I am stupid.

Turns around.

Hello, present.

I'm going to set off a bomb in you.

Don't do that, stupid Private Tucker.

That might kill me.

Thinks about this, for a moment.

Caboose, stop reading your stage directions.

You told me I was supposed to read

anything with my name in front of it.

Just the lines, not the blocking.

You're ruining my big debut.

I do not think we are meshing artistically.

I think you should talk to my agent.

This is stupid, I quit.

You can't quit!

End scene!

This has been a Franklin Donut joint.

Listen, son.

You and your buddy Church set off a bomb,

which when combined with the weather machinery in Lopez,

made an explosion so large it destroyed the present.

Destroyed the present?

Then where are we?

We're in the future, numb nuts.

Aren't we in the present right now?

Aren't we always in the present?

Unbelievable.

He can't cope with the loss.

He's in denial.

That is so sad.

Son, you're just not listening.

The present has been destroyed.

It no longer exists.

We are in the future.

Ah-ho, it makes no sense!

I'm currently working

on a short film to explain it.

Tom cruise has the script,

and I hear he's very interested.

You're telling me a bomb

sent us into the future.

Yeah, you see luckily Church

was facing forward when the bomb went off,

and we were standing in front of him.

So that sent us forward in to the future.

Of course he was facing forward.

What other way can people face?

You see, that's what I meant by luckily.

What happened to Church?

Hm, never really thought about him.

Yeah, weird.

I, I guess he's dead.

Sounds good to me, let's go with that.

He could be hurt and trapped in the present.

That's impossible, son.

The present doesn't exist anymore.

What you're proposing just isn't very good science.

Don't you see?

If Church was facing forward during the explosion,

and that blew us in to the future,

that could mean that he was blown backward in to the...

oh no!

Backwards into what?

The wall?

A broom closet?

A big rock?

Another big rock!

No into the past.

(guitar strums)

What the Hell?

Where the hell am I?

(wind whooshes)

They destroyed it all, Simmons,

those damn stupid bastards.

They blew it all up!

Damn them!

Damn them to Hell!

Those damn dirty apes!

Calm down Grif,

we don't know that the whole world is like this.

Yes, it is.

They destroyed it all.

I guess a society of men just wasn't meant to survive.

Hey, how 'bout this?

How about we explore more than two square miles

before we jump to any conclusions.

It was definitely nuclear weapons.

That's what did it.

And the explosions caused massive power outages,

which caused a fail safe to fail,

which will lead to super bacteria from a secret lab.

Oh, come on.

That caused a huge plague.

And as the victims died,

they rose from the dead 12 hours later

to roam the Earth and feast on human flesh.

What?

A handful of gritty survivors

from all walks of life were able to keep

the legions of the infected radioactive undead at bay,

using only their wits and an inexplicable

comprehension of agricultural science and engineering.

Everything was looking good.

And that's when the meteor hit.

I think you just quoted

every crappy Hollywood apocalypse movie ever.

Nah, Hollywood doesn't understand apocalypse.

They think that just one thing from everyday life goes away

and that changes everything,

like in Road Warrior, it was gas

and in Water World, it was land.

What went away in the matrix?

Sunlight.

I thought the missing element was plot.

I'm talking about Matrix One.

Oh right.

Face it, Simmons, the age of the man is done.

If all that happened,

then where are the zombies?

Why aren't they still around?

The meteor killed them.

And what about the super bacteria?

It was infected by alien bacteria

brought by the meteor,

and it was wiped out

in a massive bacteria on bacteria plague.

Very ironic.

Okay.

Then why haven't we been infected by the new alien bacteria?

It only infects other bacteria.

Are you even listening to me?

Do you guys ever get anything done,

or do you just stand around and talk all day?

We don't get paid enough to do stuff.

But what about Church, idiots?

How are we going to get him from the past to the future?

I guess he can just wait.

That's how it usually works.

But when he gets to the present,

he'll just be destroyed like everything else.

Well, he'll just have to fix it on his own then.

And if he's successful,

he'll get to live through the coolest apocalypse

of all time.

Simmons, Grif, get yer keesters over here.

(guitar strums)

Look what I found.

I found it.

Look at what I took credit for finding.

Amazing that these two

actually accomplished something.

It looks like some kind of an alien

transport mechanism that could be used to...

Or, it's a jeep.

You have no imagination.

Hmmm, let me see if I can get this thing working.

How?

There's no parts.

And what are you gonna use for fuel?

Grif was right, Simmons.

You don't have any imagination.

Thank you, sir.

Shut up, scum bag.

We're not having a moment.

Hey, we need to find Church.

He's dead, son.

Why haven't you given up hope yet

and just moved on?

It's only been a couple of hours.

Well, this should make you feel better.

When his body blasted in to smithereens,

at least he took all our enemies with him.

(guitar strums)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

You'll be up and about in no time.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

(O'Malley chokes and coughs)

Hah!

(guitar strums)

Donut, hold the light right there.

No, not on me, on that.

Why would I need the light on my face?

Hey Sarge, what's that metal thing

that looks like a bunny?

Ooh, ooh, and what's that other metal thing

that looks like a soup can?

Don't touch anything, Donut.

Okay, fellas, I think I've got it.

Give 'er a crank.

Guys?

Hey, what in tarnation are you knuckleheads doin' up there?

No, I don't think that getting

new rims for the jeep's a good idea.

Oh, come on!

If we all kick in, we can get some spinners,

some kick ass subs, hydraulics!

I'm in.

Why?

Uh, for style.

For chicks!

What chicks?

There's no one for miles.

We don't even know anyone's still alive.

What, suddenly you're a pessimist?

Yeah, but if we do find some women,

we will literally be the last men on earth for them.

He's right.

All my life, I've had girls tell me

not if you were the last man on earth.

(laughs) Well, that may be true,

but let's see what happens when I'm the last man on earth

with a sweet ass, pimped out ride, bitch.

If you ladies are through gossiping,

I could use some help fixing our vehicle.

Oh yeah, right, here, let me try.

(engine rattles) Wait!

(Donut screams)

Donut, are you okay?

I was just petting the bunny.

And then it went in to the soup can,

and part of my hand went with it.

(Sarge grumbled)

Bunny and hand soup,

just like Mom used to make.

Donut, I told you not to touch anything.

You touched everything!

That's the exact opposite of touching nothing!

Hey, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing,

I'm getting in the Jeep.

What are we, on a date?

Get in the back.

Oh, you're so insecure.

Will you two shut up?

We need to get this thing fixed.

I feel dizzy, Sarge.

Oh, that's just blood loss.

You'll make new blood,

you just need some orange juice.

What's the rush

on getting this thing fixed, anyway?

Listen dirtbag,

I know on Blue Team you like to lollygag a bit-

There is no Blue Team.

It's all a lie.

Red and blue are the same.

Aw, don't start that crap again.

You sound like a conspiracy nut

when you talk about that stuff.

The government put a chip in my brain.

The president can hear my thoughts.

We never landed on the sun.

(gasps) They put fluoride in my water!

Actually that one's true.

It is?

No wonder I listen to so much pop music.

We're fixing the jeep

because we need to be prepared.

Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing

to attack us at this very moment.

But you guys think I'm your enemy,

and I'm not preparing to do anything.

Except get L A I D.

Laid.

Yeah, we can spell.

We just think that was fucking weak.

(guitar strums)

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

Yes, this place will do nicely for an evil lair.

It's diabolically designed!

As a student of feng-shui,

I can tell you this house is 88% good luck.

Also, very breezy.

I like the floorplan.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Hello?

Is anyone home?

Don't be alarmed,

we're only here to kill you

and take all your possessions.

Excellent, no doubt our very presence

has scared everyone away!

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

Why don't we just see if this place is listed

by a licensed real estate agent?

But we don't even know

if it's been inspected recently.

It could need foundation work.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

We're moving in and that's final.

It has machine gun turrets,

two living quarters with ample closet space,

and a short commute to my secret laboratory!

It's perfect.

Yeah, but what about the school district?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

It's important to think about resale value, Lopez.

Our plan is to rule the world!

Not make prudent investments.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Oh, shut up.

We're moving in, that's final.

Hey, look a computer.

Now I can finally update my blog.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Yeah, it's great.

It's just like being a real journalist,

but without all the hassles like liability and accuracy.

for compiling evil formulas,

and to rebuild the weather machine.

Also to download music.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

(guitar strums)

Yes, this place is coming along nicely.

Excellent work repairing the turrets, Lopez.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

I still say a flower box

would have been a bit more neighborly.

Hey, we should start a neighborhood association.

It's just like a government,

but run by housewives and old people.

So it's a lot more efficient in controlling your lives.

Technically it's my head,

but I don't mind sharing.

Don't you remember that talk we had about sharing?

(guitar strums)

At last!

My pilgrimage is over!

I have reached the promised land!

Oh no, not this buffoon!

How did he get here?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Hellooooo, what do you want?

The disembodied voice of God!

I hear you Holy One!

I have made it to the temple and await your command!

Red moron, eyes up, chop chop!

Oh, greetings!

Are you the gatekeeper of the temple?

Us?

No, we just moved in.

Can you help us move a couch?

And do you know any good restaurants nearby?

Listen you fool, let me handle this.

I don't know,

you haven't been the best choice

when it comes to making friends.

Maybe I should try.

With the proper handling,

this fellow will make an excellent stooge.

And I'm the one here with the most experience

training Stooges.

Isn't that right, Lopez?

Nyuk, nyuk.

Okay, you can handle this,

but I get to hang my motivational posters

in the living room.

Hang in there, kitty!

that cat will never make it to Friday.

Yes, I am the guardian of the temple.

What do you want?

I have traveled great distances

in search of enlightenment.

That's perfect.

We have tons of that in here, but listen,

we just can't let anyone in who wants to get in,

so goodbye.

Wait, I will do anything!

Just tell me what I need to do to gain entrance.

Psst, ask him what he knows about gardening.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Maybe he knows how to use that computer we found.

(door rattles)

We'll think of something...

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(guitar strums)

What's that?

Hm, hah!

Huh?

Hm, ahah!

Minding my own business,

slowly walking way.

Ah, I got you!

Oh, forget it.

(guitar strums)

Grif, Simmons, where've you two been?

Our patrol didn't go exactly as planned Sarge.

Did you find something?

Wait a minute, where's the jeep?

Yeah, it's like this.

Grif, I just built that jeep.

I don't want to hear that it's been destroyed.

Oh, well then maybe I should stop talking,

or you can stop listening.

Grif!

Nonono it's not destroyed Sarge,

the engine just quit.

And what exactly were you doing

when the engine died?

Duh, getting the jeep out of the ditch.

What was the jeep doing in a ditch?

Well, I can tell you what it wasn't doing,

and that's reenacting the coolest scene

from the Dukes of Hazard ever.

(Sarge growls)

Simmons was driving.

No, I wasn't!

I was holding the arrows and the dynamite.

(guitar strums)

Wait a second, this thing isn't busted.

It's just outta gas.

It runs on gas?

Of course not moron,

where are we gonna get gasoline?

I modified the fuel cells to utilize a form of cold fission,

powered by solar energy.

So then why is it dead, sir?

You would've had to park it in the shade

for at least two hours.

What were you doing parked in the shade for two hours?

I can tell you what we weren't doing.

Ah, forget it.

Come on, help me push this thing in the sunlight.

One, two, three!

(Sarge and Simmons grunt and groan)

Hernia!

Man, this thing weighs a ton.

Holy crap.

Wowzers!

Dumb ass.

Oh, right.

(jeep rattles)

(Grif, Sarge, and Simmons groan)

Stupid jeep.

Grif, what happened to this fender?

It was like that when we took it out.

And where's the hub cap?

Man, this neighborhood's really going to crap.

I gotta buy those in sets of four, numb nuts.

The jeep's getting power.

(cheerful music)

Turn that crap off.

(radio warbles)

Come in, does anyone read me?

Over.

What the, Who's that?

This is Freelancer Tex, looking for anyone

from the Blood Gulch Outposts,

do you read? It's that mean chick

from the blue team.

Over. Hang up on her.

Good idea.

I have found O'Malley's base.

I repeat...

O'Malley? Son of a-

Where is she?

They seem to be holed up in some kind of fortress.

I'm not sure...

Maybe we can use the radio

to triangulate her position.

How, we only have one radio?

We would need a third point to triangulate.

Okay, well let's just pick a point

between her and us.

What?

That's not a triangle, you idiot,

that's a line.

Right, a line that we'll follow straight to Tex.

It's the perfect mathematical plan.

Hey, Grif, why don't you

just stick to criticizing other people's ideas,

instead of coming up with your own.

It does seem to be my talent.

I could simulate a third radio

by using some of this sand,

and the heat from the jeep's tailpipe

to make an enormous refractory lens.

And then-

Or we can just to the coordinates

that she's sending.

My coordinates are two two niner delta,

by one point three seven gamma.

Yeah, we can do that too.

What's wrong, Sarge?

(sighs) Nothing.

You really wanted to make the lens,

didn't you?

You're damn right!

Well, we can make it later

when we have more time.

Aw, don't patronize me.

(guitar strums)

What took you guys so long to get here?

There's six of us,

and this's only a three seater jeep.

Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.

It was a great road trip.

My favorite part was when Grif

tried to change gears, and he accidentally-

(groans) Please, let's not tell the story.

Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?

What'd you find, Tex?

Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress.

He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days now.

And he's got some help.

One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.

Oh, I liked them.

They were funny.

Caboose, they tried to kill you

because of a flag.

I try not to remember

the bad things about people.

That's all they tried to do.

There were no good things.

That's okay.

I have a really bad memory.

Wow, look a beach!

Shut up, Caboose.

What's your plan, Tex?

Well, first we have to breach an outer wall.

Oh, I love breaching.

Then, we have to get past another wall.

Two walls?

Some people are so materialistic.

The second wall has a guard tower,

and an enormous, razor-sharp, spinning blade.

What that thing?

It's spinning like two miles an hour.

I didn't say it'd be hard to get past.

After that, we have to pass the gun turrets

and break into the building.

And then we attack O'Malley.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

No, that's when we plant this.

We're planting a volley ball.

It's not a ball.

It's a bomb.

We're planting a volleybomb?

I've scouted a location inside the base

where we can set it off and take the whole place down.

I marked the spot with a big X.

You scouted it.

Yeah.

If you got past the two walls,

the huge spinning blade, the gun turrets,

and made it all the way into the fortress,

why didn't you just plant the bomb then

instead of putting an X on the floor?

I can't carry it.

What? What was that?

It's too heavy, okay.

You happy?

Yeah, kind of.

I need one of you idiots to carry it.

I don't have the upper body strength to move it on my own.

See, girls act like they're so tough,

but the first time they need someone to move a couch,

who do they call?

Please don't kill me.

Ah, go ahead and kill him.

We could use his armor for spare parts.

Here, this thing doesn't look so heavy,

let me t-yooo that thing ain't movin'!

I can carry it.

I guarantee you'll need two people.

No, it's true.

He's got crazy strength.

Church and I think it's God's way of compensating.

See?

Great Paul's Bunyan, he's like an ox.

But I have no horns,

or lumberjack friends.

Come on, no way it can be that bad.

Let me give it a-

(bomb thuds)

(sighs) Okay, you can carry it.

All right, then we'll storm in there,

blow up O'Malley, leave Grif for dead,

and maybe find some clues about what happened

to Church and Lopez.

You mean your robot?

He's in there with him.

Lopez is in the building?

(guitar strums)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

He keeps asking me

if I've accepted the flag as my savior.

I'm just not comfortable talking about religion

in the workplace.

Master, Headmaster,

I have finished the duties you assigned me.

Yes, and the ammunition, too.

It was like cleaning the impurities from my very essence.

I greased the engine and filled it with gas.

It was like giving my own soul a tune-up!

Why don't you see about patching up

some of these holes in the walls?

I think there's some sinister spackle in the tool shed.

Excellent idea, sir.

It will probably help keep out that crowd of people

that's been gathering on the beach.

blah blah blah blah blah.

Wait, what did he say?

(guitar strums)

Wait, let me get this straight.

The biggest threat we know of is in that building,

and you don't want me to blow it up?

We can't, we need Lopez's head.

It has valuable information stored in it.

Sorry, I'm going with the bomb.

But hey, here's an idea.

Maybe you could find your buddy's head

in the rubble when we're done.

Come on, we can't lift a bomb,

but we can dig through rubble?

Sorry, but there is no way

I'm letting O'Malley get away this time.

Just hire her.

What?

Hire her to help you get Lopez back.

She'll do anything for money.

That's not true.

It's not?

I'll give you 10 bucks to tear off Grif's arm.

Which one's Grif?

See?

She's not even really on the blue team.

She was just paid to come help us.

(whispers) He's Grif.

How do we pay her?

We don't even have any money.

We don't even know what money is in the future.

Yeah, they could have shells,

or laser beams for currency.

Laser beams?

Yeah, that would be the coolest wallet ever.

Why don't you trade her a favor?

Huh?

Have her do this for you,

and then you guys owe her a favor.

That's how these freelancers get stuff done, right?

That'll work.

I'll help you, and then the two of you

have to do something for me.

Okay, we'll do it.

Wait just a second.

What would we have to do?

It all depends.

Depends on what?

On what I need, to do some future job.

But it could be anything?

That's right, anything.

Like gay stuff?

I have no idea.

Well, can we rule out the gay stuff?

Hey, how come I never get to help?

No, no, what are you doing?

Don't lift with your legs,

your back's the strongest muscle in your body,

and look, man your knees aren't even locked.

How do you expect to stand up straight?

Come on, put your groin into it.

And stop exhaling on every lift.

The goal is to hold your breath as long as possible.

Under stress, the body produces all the oxygen it needs.

Herrrr, groin it out.

Can't I just pick this up

once we are ready to go?

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

(bomb thuds)

(Caboose sighs)

Okay, we're ready to go!

Crap.

(guitar strums)

Okay, listen up dirtbags.

If we're gonna invade this fortress,

we need a good game plan.

I've got two options we can use.

Number one, we all run straight at the base

in a single file line,

screaming at the top of our lungs.

(soldiers scream)

The enemy will be so flabbergasted,

by the time they have a chance to regroup,

we'll already be inside.

Oh yeah, right.

They're not gonna get surprised.

They're just gonna start mowing us down.

That's the inherent beauty

of the single file line,

they can only kill the person in front.

So if we order from least important

to most important with Tucker being in the front,

and me being in the back,

then we just might make it through.

Don't you think Caboose should be in the back,

since he's the one carrying the bomb?

Nope, Caboose is in front of me.

We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate

how the plan is working.

How are you gonna know if it's not working?

If Caboose dies,

I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.

I think that's a good plan.

Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea

I've ever heard,

I just wanted to thank you

for not putting me in front of the line.

Don't get misty, Francine.

We'll have already killed you

and used your corpse to jam up the windmill.

I think we can all agree,

given our current situation it's the perfect plan.

(wind whooshes)

Okay, well let me tell you about my other plan.

Using parts from the Warthog-

I'm hoping you got

a better idea. We build

what I like to call "the Grif Cannon."

(sighs) Oh, man.

Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon,

we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall.

Or we paint it a very disgusting color.

(guitar strums)

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

They don't stand a chance against us. (laughs)

Do they men?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

The flag is on our side.

We will be victorious.

To your battle stations.

On to crushing victory.

The fools don't stand a chance against our might.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

What are you still doing there?

I forget, which battle station is mine?

I'm still learning my way around the fortress.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Okay, is everyone ready?

Donut, Caboose and I will move the bomb

down the staircase and along the left side of the base.

Please hurry,

I don't know how much longer I can talk like this.

Man, that does look heavy.

You really should consider wearing

some kind of supportive undergarment.

Uh, no, thanks.

I can do it.

Come on now, don't be shy.

You can borrow one of mine.

I'm thinking something with lace.

Lace is totally in right now.

(guitar strums)

Ooh, sniper rifle!

I got it.

Fuck.

Copy that, Sarge.

Simmons, you and the two bullet magnets

move up the right side

and try to cause some kind of distraction.

Any suggestions?

As long as it draws their fire

away from us and towards you, I don't care.

Try some dance moves.

Oh, you could do a musical number.

Get off the radio, Donut.

All right, it looks like we're on our own guys.

Tex, how does it look from up there?

I don't see any movement,

but the guns are definitely online.

You know what?

I miss the old days when we didn't risk our lives,

and you guys were all just a bunch of nameless assholes

I would yell at with Church.

It's okay.

We hate you too, man.

(gun clicks)

Okay, let's move out.

Get ready.

Prepare to be cleansed, infidels!

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(guitar strums)

All right, so far so good.

Sarge, we are in position.

Roger that.

We're also in position.

No sign of the enemy.

Ma-han, this is the easiest

fortress invading mission, of all time.

Maybe for you.

This thing is heavy for me.

(bomb thuds)

Careful with that thing, Caboose!

Uh, Sarge?

You could blow us all to smithereens!

Sarge, I'm pretty sure

that guy up there with the gun sees us.

You wanna blow people to smithereens,

at least make sure Grif is nearby.

Duck!

(turret fires)

What the?

A duck?

Where?

I love ducks.

Get down, idiot.

(turrets fire)

We're under fire, Sarge we're under fire!

Good, now jump up and draw them off.

What'd he say?

He was breaking up.

I think he said something about staying here

and not doing anything risky.

Tex, see what you can do about that gun.

You got it.

(rifle fires)

Yeah, headshot!

Nice shooting, Tex.

Tucker, you and Tex head up across that bridge.

Try to take out that other turret.

We'll head in to the base and see if we can find O'Malley.

Why do I have to go up against the machine gun,

and you guys get to go play hide and seek?

The guy we're seeking has a rocket launcher.

Oh right.

Have fun doing that.

Caboose, we'll hold them up from up here.

You take the bomb and try to sneak

in the front of the base.

Okay.

Wow, Sarge, you actually decided

to sacrifice yourself for someone else.

Quiet, Donut!

I'm gonna need your help.

When the turrets kill Caboose,

I'm gonna need you to carry the bomb into the base.

I can't see him from here.

Let's move out.

Okay, but jus-

Whoa, ahh!

Tucker, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

I dropped down into some kind of hole.

Can you give me a hand?

Oh, let me take out this turret.

I'll be back for you later.

What is that?

Oh, ho, what the Hell is this?

(guitar strums)

Okay Grif, we just need to jump through here.

Okay, go for it.

Me?

Why me first?

Because I don't wanna die.

But this thing's moving super slow.

See?

(distant birds call)

(fan blade rumbles)

Nice knowing you, Simmons.

(turrets fire)

No, shoot the guy with the bomb!

You're ruining the plan!

(turrets fire)

I'm pinned down, I need assistance!

Hey, asshole!

(sword sizzles)

Huh?

(sword sizzles)

(Red Zealot screams)

(Red Zealot thuds)

My quest is over.

I can see the flag.

It's so flappy.

Hegh-bleahhhh.

Hey, where'd you get that?

I dunno, I found it in the hole.

Pretty cool.

Look what I can do.

Hey, you wanna trade it for the sniper rifle?

No thanks, I'm good.

X, I'm looking for an X.

That is a plus sign.

Not an X.

I need to find an X.

Hello?

Caboose is that you?

Can you hear me?

Church?

(guitar strums)

Okay, think Church.

The bomb went off,

you got knocked out,

you woke up, and you were here.

Question is, where is here?

Hello.

You are early.

Me?

You are not supposed to be here

for another 1,856 years.

What is this place?

This is the housing facility

for the great weapon.

I am the keeper of the great weapon.

You are the great destroyer.

You will demolish this facility,

kill me, steal the great weapon,

and bring about the great doom

for billions of people.

Welcome, how may I be of assistance?

What are you talking about?

Your coming has been foretold

by the great prophecy.

Does your society have any other adjectives

besides great?

The great prophecy warns

the great destroyer will be a blue being.

And you think that's me?

The blue being will be known

as the stupidest life form in the universe.

Wait a second.

This destroyer guy.

He dresses like me,

but he's dumber than anyone else in existence?

Correct.

Oh crap.

(wind whooshes)

Mister Sergeant, Mister Sergeant, come quick!

You better have a damn good reason

for interrupting our search.

Can't you see this is an extremely organized,

and highly motivated operation?

Yeah, I'm bored.

I want to stop doing whatever it is

I'm pretending to be doing.

You're supposed to be helping me

look for Lopez, meat sack.

You said you saw 'im up here.

We saw his head.

Just the head?

Yeah, it was operating the right turret.

How was he pulling the triggers?

He's very determined.

You're sure it was Lopez?

Well, I heard screaming in Spanish

and bullets flying through the air.

So either that was Lopez or this is Mexican new year.

Well, where's his head now?

: I don't know, Tex shot it.

Hey, Tex!

What?

When you shot Lopez' head,

where did it go?

How do I know?

Are you sure you hit it?

(wind whooshes)

I mean, is it possible that you missed?

(wind whooshes)

I mean, just this one time,

it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.

(wind whooshes)

Eh. she says, she doesn't know.

(guitar strums)

Wow, that's sweet.

I like the glowing part.

Ooh, does it make cool noises when you swing it?

I don't think so.

No, wait, is whoosh a noise?

Because if it is then yes, it goes

whoosh whoosh, whshsh, whshthsh, whithishsh, wh-kch,

chchchchc, whshsshh, hhshshsh ing, ching, whsch, wheouw.

(sword whooshes)

See?

And you found that in a hole?

Yeah, dude, I was just walking along,

following Tex, not really paying attention, you know.

I fell in some hole and Tex didn't help me out.

She figured she was better off without me.

That's where I found this.

You know, most people would tell that story

in a way that makes it sound a little better.

Yeah, but you know,

that's not really my style.

Man, I've never found something

that cool in a hole,

and I've explored just about every hole you can think of.

Hey, dude, do me a favor

and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

(guitar strums)

Caboose, what're you yammerin' about?

Did you find Lopez?

Someone meaner.

O'Malley?

Meaner!

You found someone meaner

than the guy trying to destroy the universe?

Yes!

Caboose, is that you?

Can you hear me?

See, it's Church.

And he's meaner than ever.

Caboose, is that you?

Can you hear me?

Church, I can hear you.

Can you hear me?

Caboose, is that you?

Can you hear me?

Church, I can hear you.

How are you?

Caboose, is that you?

Can you hear me?

I think it might be a recording.

Quiet, I wanna see how long this lasts.

Church, I can hear you.

Do you miss me?

Move over, brainiac.

let me see if I can get the rest of this thing to play.

I carried the bomb and found Church.

I am a very important person.

Yes, we're very impressed.

I think I can reroute power

from the main coupling to the memory storage compartment.

Grif, we may have to use some of your circuitry

from your armor's life support system.

Or, I could just hit the play button.

Are you sure?

I'm already down here.

I'm sure.

I already got the access panel off and everything.

Pressing play.

All right, fine.

Caboose, I know you're there.

I'm leaving this message from 2000 years in the past.

Whatever you do, don't touch anything.

Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse.

You're going to destroy this building,

and somehow bring about doom for their entire race.

Hmm, no, that doesn't sound like me.

I like people and buildings also.

Caboose, what did you do

with the bomb you were carrying?

I put it on the X, like I was s'posed to.

Uh oh.

I think we better get outta here.

And whatever you do,

don't touch the glowing weapon thing

they have stored there.

Uh oh.

And if you do,

definitely don't bring it into the main building.

What's up dogs?

Otherwise the whole place

is gonna lock down and you're gonna be trapped

(doors rumble)

Automatic garage door, cool!

Would you stop saying bad things that come true!

Or say them ten seconds earlier!

(radio warbles)

Tex, this is Sarge.

Do not detonate the bomb.

I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.

A countdown timer?

No, a count up timer.

It goes from one to explode!

Of course, a countdown timer, you idiot.

I think we might be in trouble.

Ah fudgepumps.

Just don't touch anything.

Don't look at anything.

Don't breathe on anything.

Message recorded.

Do you think it will work?

No, like you said, man,

that guy's dumb as a rock.

But at least he has some slightly less stupid people

around him that can kind of help him from time to time.

Just three minutes left on the bomb!

(screams) We're all gonna explode and die.

Simmons come over here,

help me chew on this wall.

We can eat our way out!

Yeah, on second thought

I'd better get back there and handle this personally.

Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases,

maybe I can change some key events

and keep them from getting there.

Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?

No, but working at full capacity,

I could create a teleporter

in approximately 1,000 years.

A thousand years, huh?

Kind of a long wait.

You know any jokes?

Did you hear the one

about the positronic brain?

Oh yeah, it's the one

with the active matrix and the...

Yes, that's it.

I just love that one.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah, it's funny.

It's old, but yeah, it's funny.

How about the one

with the Jewish SIMM chip and the Irish expansion slot?

Hey, come on, dude.

Let's try to keep it clean.

Hey, pull my dongle.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Come on you big baby.

Just one pull.

It won't kill you.

(guitar strums)

(device beeps)

Oh, just two minutes left.

Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic,

but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die.

I think that that's a totally objective

assessment of the situation, sir.

What if we just beat

on these window shutters together?

We can get 'em open!

No, that would be the coward's way out.

Fruitlessly trying to escape,

instead of accepting your own fate.

But I can see daylight.

It's true.

Only a miracle can save us now.

Teleporter complete.

Slightly behind schedule.

You know, it might've gone a little faster

if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling

knock-knock jokes.

Knock knock.

Enough.

Do you have the coordinates

to send me to Blood Gulch or not?

Yes.

Do you have a plan yet?

I've been standing in this hallway

thinking for a thousand years.

I've had time.

And?

Well, the main thing I need to do

is keep myself from dying.

That's a given.

And since all our problems

stem from O'Malley jumping from Tex to Caboose,

all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.

Because you secretly love her.

Oh, don't start that again.

All I need to do is kill that pink guy

that sticks the grenade on her.

Sounds easy.

Well, I have knowledge of everything

that takes place beforehand.

So as long as I don't interfere too much or get spotted,

should be a frigging breeze.

Ready to transport.

Okay, let's do it.

Goodbye, computer, computer,

you know what, you'd think I would have

come up with a name for you in these thousand years.

It's Gary.

But thanks for asking.

See you in a few hundred years.

(whoosh sound effect)

Computer, you've got to send me back.

To Blood Gulch?

You just left.

No, no, no.

Not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder.

Man, I totally screwed everything up.

How?

(tools clank) (guitar strums)

Hey, Sarge?

What now?

Command's on the phone.

They want to talk to you

about some kind of upcoming delivery.

Dang-nabbit, I'm never

gonna finish this mechanized robot at this rate.

I'll be right there.

Now don't you go anywhere, Lopez. (chuckles)

(teleporter whirs)

Ah, it's good to be back here.

It's been a long t-

Ah, who am I kidding?

Even a thousand years doesn't make this dirt hole

any more appealing.

Oh, what the hell?

He stuck me at Red base.

It must be way before Tex shows up.

The robot isn't even done yet.

Hurry up and get finished, buddy.

I need that body pretty soon.

What's that?

Oh.

You just got an upgrade, pal.

Oh, no, how did all this dirt

get on Lopez's switch?

It better not short out when I use it.

Could take out both the leg motors.

(guitar strums)

I wonder just how early I am.

Did they come out? (voice echoes)

Tucker!

What? (voice echoes)

Did it come out the other side?

Yeah, but they're all black and smoking.

Maybe you've got it turned up too high.

What're you talking about,

I don't see a knob or anything on this thing.

Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here!?

What, that would never work!

Hey men, sorry to interrupt,

would you mind huddling up fellas?

Be right there, Captain Flowers.

How are you adjusting

to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Church?

Fine.

It's a little warm, but okay.

That's great.

You have any problems at all, you let me know.

Um, okay.

What's up, sir?

Sir, Tucker, I told you

to call me Captain, or Cappy or,

I don't want silly things like rank

interfering with our team dynamic.

You got it, Cappy.

I think I'm commanding

the finest army in all of Blood Gulch.

Isn't there only one other army?

Those Red guys?

Yeah, you know, the enemy.

I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen.

Apathy, passivity, indifference.

And yes, also those red guys.

Yeah I've been thinking

about our orders from Command, uh, Cappy.

And I gotta tell you,

I don't think three guys is enough

to stage such an elaborate offensive.

I think we should listen to this guy Captain,

he seems to know plenty about being offensive.

Can it, shit bird.

See?

Men your delightful tomfoolery

puts a spring in my step,

and a bounce in my britches.

If I weren't your commanding officer

I'd pick you both up,

give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

Um, thank God for the chain of command.

Now, I know you're worried about our mission,

but I can tell you this.

There's nothing more important to me than the safety

and wellbeing of my men,

or my name isn't Captain Butch Flowers.

Does that mean we all get sniper rifles?

I'm gonna put in an order

for yours tomorrow, Private Tucker,

but I need to get some shut eye first.

Awesome.

But it's like 3:15 in the afternoon.

You're forgetting about the time change, Tucker.

Oh yeah.

It's like 3:18.

Why the Hell is daylight savings time here

only three minutes?

Good question, Private Tucker.

It'll have to wait for another day.

Some of us need our beauty sleep,

not everyone has your striking

metro-sexual good looks.

That's true.

(guitar strums)

Holy crap, Captain Flowers

is still alive.

Oh, man, I might be able to fix everything at once.

(sighs) And now to go to sleep,

standing up with my eyes open,

as is my custom.

Captain Flowers.

God man, don't sneak up on me like that.

Can't you see I'm sleeping?

Sorry sir.

Look, I know you probably don't remember me that well.

Course I remember you, Church.

I just saw you two minutes ago.

Oh right.

Yeah, it's, uh, it's been longer for me.

Anyway, there's no nice way to put this,

but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.

That doesn't sound like me.

I'm a team player.

And I can't tell you how I know this,

but I need you to take this injection,

so that you can live and together we can beat the Reds.

That way a lot of really weird

and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen.

I don't understand anything you just said,

and I've only known you for a short time,

but go ahead and inject me, Private Church.

Thank you, son.

Feeling much bet- better.

Ah!

What?

What's the matter?

That medication,

It, it didn't have (groans) aspirin in it, did it?

I'm allergic to aspirin.

Um...

Can't feel haunches,

spleen failing, glutes glutenizing.

Church, before I die,

I have to tell you something incredibly important.

It may hold the key to our victory here.

What, what is it?

Hurk.

Ah crap.

Blah.

No Tucker, you can't

hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow.

Captain, what time did you want to-

Captain?

Holy crap, he's dead, Tucker.

I think he might've had a heart attack in his sleep.

Dude, that's horrible.

This is a sad day.

I got dibs on the armor.

(guitar strums)

Well, that didn't work so well.

I better lay low before I do some more damage.

Man, this sucks.

It's still weeks until Tex shows up.

I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet.

Hi.

Um, hello.

Do you have any elbow grease?

What are you talking about?

How about headlight fluid?

This is the store, right?

What?

Look man, there's only two places in this goddamn canyon.

Look, I just came from Red base.

Well, then the only other place

you can go is that way.

Okay, thanks mister.

Hey, wait a second.

Is that pink guy over at Red base yet?

Pink guy?

I don't know any pink guys.

There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys.

See you later.

Yeah, thanks.

What an idiot.

Wait a minute!

My dad always said,

why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Hey rookie,

did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

No, I think he called her a slut.

Aw, sweet, they sell tanks!

Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!

Is that the guy from the cave?

How did he get down here so fast?

Tucker, are you laughing at me?

Excuse me, sir.

Can I ask you a question?

Oh, crap.

The general stopped by, and picked up the flag.

Wait a second.

What did he just say?

There's Sheila.

Sheila, Sheila, Sheila, hey, wake up. (bangs on tank)

Wake up, hey, Sheila, come on, turn on! Uh, ignition!

Okay, rookie, you stay here.

I'll be back with the flag.

Ah, crap, crap.

Come on, come on, activate.

Thank you for activating

the M808B Main Battle Tank.

You may call me Phyllis.

Hey, She- wait, Phyllis?

Why not Sheila?

Name overwritten.

You may now call me Sheila.

Whatever.

Quickly I knew you run through

all your weapons systems programs.

Affirmative.

Auto lock is enabled,

barrel recoil dampers are enabled.

Yeah, yeah, c'mon c'mon, hurry.

Extra ammo management is disabled.

The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.

Friendly fire.

That's the one that kills teammates, right?

Affirmative.

All right, disable

the friendly fire protocol.

The friendly fire protocol is now disabled.

Friendly forces may now be targeted by auto lock.

Yes!

Wait, no.

That doesn't sound right.

I want the other thing.

(engine rumbles)

Hello, and thank you for activating

the M808B Main Battle Tank.

You may call me Sheila.

Hello, Sheila, big tank lady.

Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Sheila, what're you talking about?

Forget what I just said.

This tutorial program

is intended to instruct non-certified personnel.

Let's begin with some driving.

Wait!

Oh my God, no!

(upbeat music)

I was built by an American automotive company,

and I was assembled in Mexico.

No no no no no no no no no no no-

Hey, Tucker look at this man.

It's the rookie!

And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds.

Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

New target acquired.

That's not a target.

That's Church.

Target locked.

What?

What?

Oh, son of a b-

(explosion)

Oh, no, I'm the team killing fucktard!

You shot Church, you team killing fucktard.

New target acquired.

(engine rumbles)

Caboose, wait!

(upbeat music)

Ah, here we go.

Now at least I can pick off that pink guy

without getting too close to anybody.

I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

Night vision engaged.

Rookie, get out now!

(explosions)

Okay, open the d-, okay, I,

Sheila, will you please open the door?

Driver canopy open.

hank you for using the M808B main battle ta-

(explosion)

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap,

running, running, running!

(guitar strums)

What happened?

I can see my body.

I see two of my bodies.

Am I dead?

Uhh, uh-oh, um,

let's just put it this way,

you were killed because someone very close to you

is an idiot.

So I am dead?

Aw, that blows, man!

Wait, I see a light.

Should I go into it?

What light?

I don't see a light?

Must be shaken up from the explosion.

You should probably rest.

Farewell my body.

I shake loose these Earthy bonds

for a better existence.

Man, first I kill myself,

then I realize I'm a honkin' dork.

Not a very good day to be me.

One second Caboose.

I want to get Church's sniper rifle.

Uh oh.

Oh crap, it's gone.

Man, I'm so fucking unlucky.

Come on Caboose, let's go call command.

Um, shouldn't we bury Church?

Fuck that, has he ever buried us?

(guitar strums)

So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit,

but was poorly executed,

probably because somebody didn't believe in it.

Hey since I captured the flag,

d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?

What do you mean 'captured'?

You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

Still, you think there's a shot?

Maybe they'll give you Grif's armor,

since he destroyed the Warthog.

Yeah, heh-wait, you don't,

you don't think they'd do that, do you?

Where are you going?

(guitar strums)

Red base.

Kill everybody.

Get the flag back.

Oh, okay.

We'll just stay here and guard the transporter.

Yeah, you do that, wimps.

Man, I've really

got to find that pink guy.

Where the Hell is he?

The best thing about the military

is all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the first time.

Yeah, that's great.

(wind whooshes)

What the, what was that?

Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do

back on the old farm.

Just sit back, think about things,

and then repress those thoughts immediately.

Doesn't this guy ever shut up?

Yeah, I'm wondering the same thing.

(grenade hisses)

What the fuck?

What?

(explosion)

Son of a bitch!

Simmons, help me fight.

I'm too good-looking to die.

Where'd he go?

Eek, I'm gonna faint!

Aw, shit!

Tex, don't go in there!

Aw, I gotta do somethin'.

(guitar strums)

Ah-ha!

I knew it!

Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Simmons, Grif, you watch the prisoner.

Lopez and I will go topside

and watch for a secondary attack.

Simmons, if she attacks you,

whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help.

If she attacks Grif, just mild applause will do fine.

Yes, sir!

Not so tough now

that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Hey, punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Yeah, right.

What are you gonna do, punch me?

(screams) Not the face!

Grif, get yer keester up here.

We got more of them Special Ops fellas

headed toward the base.

Coming, sir.

Did you hear that?

I don't see any-

Uh oh, yep, there's one.

Why is he just standing there?

Caboose, get behind the rock.

They can still see you.

They can't see me.

I can't see them.

That's because you're facing the rock.

Oh right.

Look, a telemascope!

Yeah well, I don't know.

You're starting to act kinda suspicious there,

other red guy.

So I'm keeping my eye on you.

Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

(Church punches Simmons)

Ow, gee, in the back of my head!

What the Hell are you doing?

Tex, it's me, Church.

I've come to rescue you.

Okay.

Oh right, that red guy was me

when I came to rescue Tex.

And then we walked outside an-

Oh no.

What happened?

Oh man, the back of my head is killing me.

Yeah, that's great.

(Church punches)

Oh, geez, the front of my face!

(rifle fires)

You gotta be kidding me!

Tucker did it!

(guitar strums)

Target locked.

(explosion)

Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?

Oh my God, how did I miss?

That chick in the black armor's back!

What chick? (rifle fires)

The one that stuck the grenade to my head?

God damn it!

That's the one.

Oh, oh, I've been waiting for this.

(explosion)

Hey Bitch!

Remember me!?

I saved somethin' for ya!

(grenade hisses)

Fuck this horse shit!

Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

(grenade hisses)

Aw, crap!

(Donut shouts distantly)

Alright that's it, I quit.

I'm going to live in a cave.

(explosion)

Dios mio, no!

Uh, where's Lopez going?

That looks like Church.

(radio warbles)

Come in, Church.

Is that you, Church?

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

(guitar strums)

Um, maybe somebody should say something.

Okay, go ahead.

Not me, jack ass.

I'm not gonna eulogize myself.

What, why not?

I eulogize myself all the time.

Wait, I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Wait, I know how to do this.

Dearly beloved...

No, shut him up, seriously, shut him up.

We are gathered here

today to witness the joining together

of Tex and Church in eternalness together.

Speak now, or forever, rest in peace!

With liberty, and justice, for all.

The end.

Man, this funeral is lame.

You need me, I'll be over by my rock.

Hey Tucker, can I have a piggyback ride

back to base?

No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time,

I'm not doing that.

That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.

Come on, one little piggyback ride's

not going to kill you.

I'm in mourning here.

(guitar strums)

I've been through so much.

At least help me paint my body blue.

Okay, I may not have been able

to save myself or Tex,

but I still have time to save everybody else

if I can just keep the A.I. from getting into Doc,

prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army,

and somehow figure out a way to stop the war

between the Reds and the Blues all together.

Huh.

What if I, yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.

(groans) Oh, hey!

Found it?

Nah, no wait.

All I found was the time and temperature function.

It is currently 26 degrees, by the way.

What?

It's not 26 degrees out here, that's freezing.

It's Celsius.

Where the hell is that contact info

for Blue command?

We really need to standardize

the way we handle our information.

Naw dude, it's more like a switch.

Well, give it a flip.

I don't wanna flip it.

Okay, here we go.

(radio warbles)

Come in Blue command, do you read me?

Hello, hello, come in, do you read me,

do I read you, hello, can you read me,

what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.

Uh, yeah, this is, uh, Flowers.

This is Captain Butch Flowers.

Hey, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude?

Hey I heard you died.

Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it?

Um, promoted.

All right, great dude.

How's that working out for you?

Good, listen up, Vic.

I'm actually uh, whaddaya call it,

um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah.

And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project,

uh, that's very secret.

And very top.

I'm all yours, dude.

Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude.

In a ditideepti and all that.

Here's what I need you to do.

I need you to contact the Red army

and have them send medical officer DuFresne

as far away from here as possible.

Red army?

No, no, dude, last transmission I received,

that medic was at blue base/

Got it right here in my log.

No pun intended.

Not sure what that means.

Look it doesn't matter where he is,

I just need him outta here.

They're both the same to me.

Hello, dude, you're telling me

that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch?

Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.

Huh, so Red and Blue are the same.

Okay dude, well this changes everything.

What?

Well, I mean, for starters,

we're gonna have to figure out how to divide up the money

from the office pool.

Okay, okay, yeah.

Whatever, just remember this is top secret,

so you can't let anybody know

that I gave you these instructions, okay?

Or that we even spoke.

Don't even tell them that we talked together.

You got it?

I will proceed accordingly dude.

Mum is the word.

Actually, bird is the word.

The bird says mum.

So we're gonna go with that.

(radio warbles)

Over and out, dude.

Well, that should take care

of at least one problem.

So, Red and Blue are the same.

Well I gotta make some phone calls.

What the Hell are you guys doing?

Ah, crap, the reds are here.

What?

Caboose, why didn't you say anything?

Oh what the hell?

Vic just had 'em bring Doc back over here?

That guy's a fricking moron.

Now I'm back to square one!

Guys, I keep telling you.

If we have Lopez remove any of Sheila's pedals,

she's not gonna function properly.

Maybe we could just get Lopez

to give Caboose more feet.

Oh, I like that idea.

I have always wanted to be taller.

(guitar strums)

: Hey there Lopez, Sheila,

you're both looking, uh very shiny, today,

uh, rust-free, and, anyway. (clears throat)

The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is,

I know we've had our differences in the past,

you know with uh, the nut turning

and the um possessing and stuff like that,

ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us

'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas

you might be having up here?

Like, I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army?

And you know it's, it's something you should think about

pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it,

um, because it's hard to run an army,

and you might not be aware that,

it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics,

a lot of rhetoric

, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command,

and that stuff you know,

it's it's uh when you have ranks it,

it puts friends against each other,

that's not always a good thing.

'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people,

even when those people are just robots-

I don't mean, I don't mean just robots,

I mean, three, you have, you, you have three,

you have three people, that are, mechanized people,

mechanized, Americans um,

and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh,

anyway you shouldn't do it, bye.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Me neither, but I have to admit

I liked his robot army idea.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Great idea.

Let's hide it in the cave so they won't find it.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Well that felt good,

I think we really connected.

Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters?

(guitar strums)

Because that's the day I wash my underwear,

and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin,

on the account of I chafe really easily,

I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?

Oh, God!

Jesus, what's that guy

babblin' about down there?

I thought Tucker was annoying.

Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make

on this teleporter and then we're done.

Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez.

Oh they, sure are coming fast.

Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'.

Uh oh.

Curses!

(explosion)

Aye yi yi.

Yow!

(teleporter sizzles)

(guitar strums)

Oh what the Hell happened?

Where am I?

When am I?

Uh, Church, it kinda looks

more like a triangle from down here.

What?

I'm just saying

it doesn't look much like a circle.

It looks more like we're forming a triangle.

Just a side note.

Okay, fine.

Triangle of confusion.

Rhombus of terror.

Parabola of mystery, who cares?

Get the god damn show on the road!

All right, all right, sorry.

Oh, no, the parabola of mystery.

That means any second now

Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley

and then all Hell's gonna break loose.

Unless...

Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck.

Get ready to open fire.

Today is a good day to die!

Wait, I think today

is actually a good day to retreat.

Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?

Yeah, let's all take dying

as an open action item,

and come back with suggestions next meeting.

No, it has to be today.

For our ancestors. (yells)

Wait, everyone, stop fighting!

It's all a lie!

Red is blue, blue is red!

It's all the same!

God I can't believe the Reds

have this kind of hardware lying around

and they're not even using it.

(distant shouting)

Ah, there he is.

Mine now buddy.

(rocket launcher fires)

It's all the- (screams)

Son of a bitch!

What the Hell?

The targeting system on this thing doesn't work at all.

Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it.

That makes sense now.

Oh my God.

It's the cave devil!

Run for your lives!

(groans) Maybe I'll just sit this one out.

I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.

(guitar strums)

Good luck, everyone.

Take care, I packed you all lunches for the trip.

Thanks, Sheila.

That was really nice of you.

Not really.

All my bag had was an air filter

and a thermos full of brake fluid.

Make sure to wash your exhaust pipes every day.

(teleporter whirs)

Bye, Sheila.

We'll come back for you soon.

(teleporter whirs)

I'll be waiting.

(teleporter whirs)

Church!

I thought you left with Grif!

Back already?

I hate to tell you this, Sheila,

but none of us are coming back.

Is there any way I can take you with me?

Maybe transfer your programming

to a disk or something like that?

No, sorry, but I'm hardwired into this equipment.

That's what happens when you're built by the lowest bidder.

Yeah, tell me about it.

There's just one more thing you can do for me

before I say goodbye.

It's the last thing that I can do

to hopefully set all this stuff right.

What is it?

Okay, here's what I need you to do.

(whispers) I need you to get out there,

and I need you to wait off a real fricking wait.

All right, (more whispering) you got it.

Thanks Sheila,

and sorry that I blamed you for killing me all this time.

That's okay.

I'm sorry I enjoyed blowing you up so much.

Yeah, I don't think it was necessary

to tell me that.

Anyway, I guess this is goodbye, Sheila.

(teleporter whirs)

Maybe I should shut down now

and save a little power.

(birds chirp)

Ah yes, dear Tex.

After I take care of your little friend Tucker,

I'll be taking care of her as well.

When I get outta here...

But you won't.

Everyone here is dead now.

No one even knows where you are.

So I suppose now you'll just have to starve to death.

(chuckles) Cheerio!

(guitar strums)

Oh, man, there is no way

that Grif can disarm that bomb.

I better let him out of there and then go find Tex.

She can shut it off.

You should try showering in cell block C.

Those guys are animals.

(door rattles)

All right, here goes.

You opened the doors?

That wasn't scary at all.

What, I didn't do that.

Somebody on the outside must have done it.

Aight, let's go.

Freedom, it smells so sweet.

Let's go rob a liquor store on the way home.

All right.

Now to find Tex.

(guitar strums)

Sorry about this Alison.

Just following Omega's orders.

Don't forget that Vic fellow is giving us a bonus

if we kill Tucker.

Would really help fuel the whole conspiracy theory

he's made up.

Right-o, mate.

As the one person here

who really does work For Red and Blue,

I think what we're doing is despicable.

O'Malley can't you look in your heart and see that

maybe if we do this right,

that Red and Blue could work together?

Maybe we could end this crazy war.

Wouldn't that be great?

Come on guys.

Let's live the dream.

When one side's completely dead,

and the other side wasting away in nuculer winter.

It's pronounced nuclear.

Crying at the folly of their own hubris!

Wars also end in treaties.

(radio warbles)

Come in, Tex.

I need you to meet me in the middle of the canyon,

right now.

This is Church.

Uh, I have money.

Oh man, where is she?

(guitar strums)

Psst, hey, hey buddy!

Hey!

Huh, who're you?

Oh, I'm you.

I'm just a different version of you.

Yeah, see, I keep trying to fix the bomb,

just like you're doing, except I don't do it right,

and I get blasted back in time.

Then I come back and try to fix everything all over again.

I just want to let you know when you get back,

meet us at the top of the ramp.

Us?

Who's us?

Back from where?

What's going on?

Man this blows, you guys suck.

(gun fires) What the Hell?

Sorry Private Tucker, but I always get my man.

Say goodbye mate.

(device beeps)

Uh guys, I hate to interrupt but, zero seconds.

Uh oh.

What, oh, son of a-

(explosion)

(high pitched tone)

See you in a few hundred years.

(teleporter whirs)

Computer, you gotta send me back!

To Blood Gulch?

You just left.

No, no, no.

Not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder.

Man, I totally screwed everything up.

How?

Well, I didn't keep the bomb

from going off.

So I just got blasted back here.

Yeah, me too.

What the?

Let me just put it this way, pal.

Your next plan goes about as well as the first one does.

(Future Churches pop)

Uh oh.

(guitar strums)

(Churches chatter indistinctly)

What the Hell is all of this?

Oh, here he is, late again.

Who are you guys?

We're you, dumb ass.

We just keep screwing up

and getting blown back to the computer terminal.

And then we teleport here to try again.

I know that man, you told me last time.

I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to the new you.

Oh, right.

Sorry about that.

I'm still getting used to all this.

Dumb ass.

Hey, shut up.

How did all you guys screw up?

Well, when Tucker points

the rocket launcher at us,

I tried to explain the situation to everybody,

and oddly, Caboose was really the only person

that understood it right away.

Anyway, by the time I finished answering questions

the bomb went off and I got sent back in time.

Right, then I teleported

back to Sidewinder, and thought,

if I could shoot Wyoming before he shoots Tucker,

then I can fix everything.

But I shot Wyoming,

then Tucker shot me with the rocket launcher,

the bomb went off anyway,

and I got sent back in time.

And then I teleported back,

and just decided to kill everybody that I could see.

Why did you do that?

I dunno, it seemed like fun.

I think I went a little nuts there for a while.

What did you do?

Dude, don't ask.

Trust me.

It, it didn't work.

So now we all come back here beforehand

to discuss what we did,

and see if we can collectively figure out

a better plan beforehand.

You said beforehand twice.

Oh. Well in that case,

what I was thinking about doing was-

That won't work.

Hey, I got it.

Who's the last Church?

Huh?

Which one of you

is the latest version of me?

Um, I guess that would be me.

I've already tried all this stuff that all of these other

guys have done, even him.

So I guess that makes me the latest version.

Well that must mean

you're the one that gets it right then.

what do you mean?

Well, if you're the last Church,

you must be the one that fixes everything.

Otherwise there'd be a thousand other churches here,

still trying to get it right.

I see.

Wait, why am I explaining this to you?

If you're the latest Church,

then you've been me, explaining this to you already.

Uh, yeah, I know.

I just didn't want to steal my own thunder.

I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Thanks.

Okay, well I'm gonna go do

whatever it is that fixes all this,

wish me luck guys.

What are you gonna do?

You know what?

I'm just gonna go free Tex, and wing it.

'Cause every time I've made a plan,

it's fallen apart.

I figure, why not just improvise?

So what did you do?

Oh man,

it seemed like such a good idea at the time.

(guitar strums)

Church!

O'Malley and Wyoming tied me up.

Get me out of here.

You got it.

Wait a second.

Would this be a good thing or a bad thing?

How is setting me free a bad thing?

I'm not sure.

If I set you free, will you promise

not to get close to me.

I'm already close to you.

No, no, not me, me.

The other me, me, the one with the bomb.

What?

Oh, right, I forgot.

I already set Tex free one of the other times.

Oh sweet, then that means I'm the guy

that interrupts me, and then confuses Tex.

I'm totally confused.

Oh, don't worry, Tex.

I'm just supposed to tell him

that it's okay to set Tex free.

It is?

Well, that's what I said to me

when I was you and it seemed to work out okay.

Seriously, this is really confusing.

Okay, you're free Tex.

Now to execute the second part of my plan.

I'm gonna possess Lopez,

and then use his lightning machine

to defuse the bomb.

Seeya!

Good luck.

Yeah, that's totally not gonna work.

Tex, I recommend you get down there,

and try to defuse the bomb that's in Church's stomach.

I think you're about the only one here that can do it.

And Tex?

The one thing I didn't realize before was this.

Maybe I'm the last Church

not because I fixed everything,

but because I died and there's no way I can come back.

And if that happens,

I just wanna let you know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I got you mixed up in all this stupid stuff.

I'm sorry I wasn't a better guy than I should've been.

I'm sorry for, well, for a lot of stuff.

But, if we do survive this,

then it's totally because of me,

and you should build a fucking statue in my honor.

I'm serious.

Somethin' cool, like me on a horse,

no no no, wait, a motorcycle!

(rifle fires) What the Hell?

Sorry Private Tucker but I always get my man.

Say goodbye mate.

(device beeps)

Uh guys? I hate to interrupt, but, zero seconds.

Uh oh.

Church!

What can I tell you, dip shit.

For better or for worse, I'm back.

(explosion)

(high pitched tone)

We're all gonna die, starting with Grif!

Everyone, get ready to kiss yer ass goodbye!

Simmons, you can have the honor of kissing mine.

(Church pops)

Hey everybody, what's up?

I am so happy that you made it

in time to die with me.

We will get to be smithereens together!

That won't be necessary, Caboose.

Hey Gary, how you doing?

Not bad.

Although my static ion sub-matrix is a little itchy.

The computer can talk?

The computer's name is Gary?

How have you been, Church?

Good, thanks for asking.

Listen, would you do me a favor?

Could you shut off the bomb please?

No problem.

(device beeps)

Gary, you mean to tell me

you could have turned off the bomb this whole time

and you didn't say so?

And don't say I didn't-

You didn't ask.

Ehr, ferkin derglers.

Man, it is really great to see you guys.

You seem like you're in a good mood.

I learned a very valuable lesson

in my travels, Tucker.

No matter how bad things might seem...

They could be worse.

Nope, no matter how bad they seem,

they can't be any better,

they can't be any worse,

because that's the way things fucking are,

and you'd better get used to it, Nancy.

Quit your bitchin'.

Where have you been?

You want the long version or the short version?

I will take the easy version, please.

Oh I wanna hear the long version.

But can you tell me in three parts?

(guitar strums)

You got this thing where?

Right up there.

So, you went back in time,

and didn't change anything?

Uh, yeah, I was just like a passive observer.

I would have tried to save your life, from me.

Yeah, I didn't think of that.

Hey Tucker.

I don't think it's a good idea

that you're keeping that thing.

You're just pissed because you don't have one.

No, you must have me confused with Tex.

She's been staring at you non-stop

since you found that thing.

That's not true.

You haven't taken your eyes off it.

Yes I have.

Then why haven't you looked at me

the entire time I've been talking?

I'm looking at you right now.

No, you're not.

I've already seen you.

Not too impressed.

I would have tried to save Tex, too.

Well I didn't, Caboose.

I didn't try to save me.

I didn't try to save Tex,

and I sure as hell didn't make

millions of copies of myself

trying to keep the bomb from going off.

Oh, because that was my next suggestion.

Leave me alone, Caboose.

I didn't want to mess with the timeline.

Time line?

Time isn't made out of lines,

it is made out of circles.

That is why clocks are round.

Man, that thing is really shiny.

Yup.

Tucker, man, I still think,

the computer told me that thing is a very

important relic for some ancient culture.

I wouldn't go swinging it around like that.

Yeah, well I think it's just

a kick ass piece of bling.

And who are you gonna believe?

Me or some super smart, stupid talking computer.

(guitar strums)

Men, thanks for meeting on short notice,

so covertly.

No problem.

I had to move my lunch with the Pope,

but uh, he was cool with it.

He owes me.

I helped him pick the hat.

Shut up.

I don't want the blues finding out

about this meeting,

so I want us all to agree here and now

we're gonna keep this between ourselves.

Sir I don't know if you've noticed,

but we're not exactly buddy-buddy with those guys anyway.

Eh, I'm not really in the market

for new friends.

I'm not sure that I'm happy with the current crop.

No offense, Sarge.

Grif, tell us what you're discovered on the radio.

Me?

Um, actually, I'm the one

who heard the distress signal.

Uh huh, see I thought-

Yeah, I can't use the radio.

Yeah, I discovered the distress signal.

That was me.

I don't know how I got that mixed up.

It's okay, sir.

As long as everyone's clear who heard it first.

Sorry about that, Simmons.

Why do you care?

No really, sir, it's no problem.

I think it's important to get proper credit,

when some of us are working hard

discovering distress signals on the warthog's radio

while others are hanging out in the backseat

monkeying about.

Okay, first off monkeying about?

And secondly, I don't think listening to the radio

classifies as working.

And thirdly monkeying about, come on, dude.

It's a real phrase.

Bull shit!

That's what you said about horse doodling.

People say it all the time.

What people?

Oh, lots of people all the time,

but nobody you would know.

No need to get upset fellas,

I think we're all clear now.

Simmons is the one who heard the distress signal,

and Grif was the one monkeying around.

About.

Say who now?

Monkeying about.

Yeah, people say it all the time, sir.

You'll want to get it right.

Otherwise you'll sound like a jack ass.

Can we please get back

to the purpose of this meeting?

Yeah, what is the purpose exactly?

I wanted Simmons to tell us

that he heard a distress signal on the radio.

Okay, go ahead Simmons.

Um, I heard a distress signal,

while listening to the radio.

I know, I was in the car

with you when you heard it.

In fact, why are we even having this meeting?

Everyone here already knows you heard

the distress signal on the radio.

I just wanna make sure

everyone is on the same page.

Same page?

There's only one page.

You know what the page says?

Simmons heard a god damn distress call on the radio.

The end.

Oh, look down there at the bottom,

it also says "P.S., Griff was monkeying about."

Well I can see why we don't have lots of meetings.

The only person who doesn't know is Donut,

and he's not even here!

That's because I asked Donut

to distract the Blues so we could have this secret meeting.

And that's the story of how I saved Christmas.

I did not even know

the north pole was in San Francisco.

This changes everything.

Yeah, and I don't think

Santa's suit is a leather biker's outfit.

Hey, wait a second.

Why are we letting this pink guy distract us?

I'm not distracting you.

Yeah, you are.

While we're sitting here jabbering,

the Reds are over there monkeying about.

Yes!

(guitar strums)

See?

They're down there, messing with the radio.

Oh, so that's what they're doing.

Yeah, they must be plotting something.

Or maybe they're just listening to the radio.

I know plotting when I see it.

That's plotting,

Maybe they're scheming.

No, scheming looks different.

That's definitely plotting.

They're gonna try something.

Why?

I already told them Red and Blue are the same.

It's all a conspiracy.

And I told you that's not true.

Vic just made it up to confuse us.

That just means he's part of the conspiracy.

But he's the one that told you

Red and Blue are the same.

Exactly.

Wait are, are you talking about a conspiracy

that Red and Blue are the same,

or a conspiracy that Red and Blue are different?

Exactly.

You just keeps saying exactly.

Do you have a theory or don't you?

Look, I don't care about Red or Blue.

All I know is that those guys

are up to something down there.

Maybe they're planning to use the radio

to beam secret messages to the fillings in my teeth.

Secret messages about what?

Exactly.

They are probably trying

to tune into the distress signal

they heard on the radio.

What makes you say that?

Oh, I know all the details.

They were in their car, the boss hog,

when Simmon heard a distress signal on the radio.

And Gruff was in the back seat with a monkey.

Hm, I'm going to go out on a limb here

and assume that some of that is wrong.

How do you know all this, Caboose?

Andy told me.

Andy?

Who's Andy?

Are you, are you Andy?

I'm not Andy, I'm Tucker.

No, I know.

What's your first name?

Lavernius.

Lavernius, well then who's this Andy g-

wait a second, are you black?

Me?

Yeah.

Does it matter?

No, I'm just curious.

Well if it doesn't matter

then why are you curious?

I don't know,

I guess that's just something

I should've picked up on after all this time.

You know what else you should've picked up on?

My fucking first name!

(guitar strums)

Distress, distress, help,

we don't need any more distress,

distress, whoah man, it's a lot of distress.

That's all it says.

It doesn't even say where or who.

We know who it is,

it's on the Red Army open channel!

That means the Reds have survived in to the future.

Doncha see what this means?

(sighs) That we have absolutely no hope

of ever getting out of this army.

No, it means we must've beaten the Blues.

Otherwise there wouldn't be any Reds left.

Finally, victory is ours!

Wait a minute, this means I missed the entire war,

aw, damn it.

Yeah, everything must be great.

That's why they sent out a distress signal.

Maybe it's not a distress signal.

Maybe it's a this dress signal.

Maybe it's an open invitation to some formal ball.

Okay.

Let's go with Sarge's version.

Simmons, have you tracked the source?

Well, sir, all I can tell is the direction.

I have no idea how far it is.

Why not?

I thought you were our Unofficial Science Officer.

That just means I'm smart.

If you want me to multiply two big numbers in my head,

that I can do,

but I can't measure radio signals with no equipment.

What's 32 times 56?

31,452.

Is that right?

Yes.

That's pretty impressive.

Eh, you know, it's a gift.

This is Andy.

Andy, this is Tex and Tucker.

The black one is Tex,

and the other black one is Tucker.

Andy's the bomb?

Uh, Andy prefers the term explosive American.

Are you making fun of me?

He told me all about what the Reds are up to.

Didn't you, Andy?

Yes.

And then we talked about all our adventures.

Did you know that he used to know Sheila?

Isn't that right, Andy?

Um, Caboose,

are you hearing the bomb talk right now?

Say something, Andy.

You are embarrassing me in front of my friends.

Caboose, I think you're losing it.

Also, I wouldn't really call us friends.

We're more like acquaintances,

or people who work with other people they hate.

(guitar strums)

Gary, I need you to tell me some more

about the alien race that needs Tucker's sword.

I do not know anything about them.

You don't know anything

about the aliens that programmed you?

Correct, instead they filled

all my memory banks with information

about the great destroyer and his race.

You mean humans.

That is not what they call you,

but correct.

Why, what do they call us?

Shisno.

That's an insult, isn't it?

Perhaps this can best be explained

in the form of a knock knock joke.

(Church sighs)

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You are.

You are who?

You are a dirty, dirty shisno.

Ha ha ha.

All right, what does it mean?

What is the most foul-smelling animal

on your planet?

Uhm, a skunk.

Wait so Shisno means skunk?

Not exactly.

Does a skunk defecate?

Yes.

And does the skunk's defecation

in turn produce its own excrement?

Ew, no.

Then there is no equivalent

for shisno in your language.

Gross.

Like you would not believe.

Hey, does that bomb ever talk to you?

The bomb?

No, never.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Andy and I are not on speaking terms right now.

(chuckles) Yeah.

Wait, Andy?

Correct.

He is kind of a jerk

I'm not the jerk,

you're the jerk, jerk.

That was very rude.

Ah, shut up you shisno.

(guitar strums)

You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk.

I'm not telling you that.

He's telling you that.

Yeah, and I'm standing right here.

You can talk to me.

If you could talk this whole time,

then why didn't you just,

wait, why am I talking to a bomb?

I'm not doing this.

What, am I not good enough to talk to?

Who do you think you are,

some kind of too good to talk to a bomb type?

Maybe it's a good idea

not to piss off the explosive device.

I agree.

I wasn't talking about you, Tex.

Hey, why don't you suck my-

Did Gary say anything

about the bomb being able to talk?

Just that this whole place

is going to be destroyed by us.

And that Andy here is probably the thing that does it.

Oh, that's not good.

I don't think so.

Buncha shisnos if you ask me,

and no one did ask me, which I find insulting.

Alright, alright, calm down Andy, calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!

Caboose, calm this thing down

before it has a meltdown.

Andy, everyone here is your friend,

and no one wants to hurt you.

Yeah, right.

Come on, Andy, think of a happy place.

Now, what makes you happy?

Being in the middle of a huge explosion!

Less happy place Caboose, less happy place!

Ah, think calming thoughts,

uh, let's count backwards from ten!

Ten, nine, eight-

No! Duck!

Okay, I'm 95 % certain

that the distress signal is coming from that way.

Excellent work, Simmons.

All right, men, and Grif,

let's get ready to roll.

Only 95 % certain?

Grif, if there's one thing

that I've learned in working with you,

it's that there's always margin for error.

Excellent comeback, Simmons.

That's a burn.

Thank you, sir.

Har har, look who's so smart.

It's pronounced margarine, dumb-ass.

Seriously, if I ever meet the guy

that assigned to our squad, I'm gonna kill him.

Well, if you're 95% certain it's that way,

which way is the other 5%?

What do you think?

All the other directions.

Then I think that's the way we should go.

You might be the dumbest person

I have ever met.

And I think you're just covering your ass.

Hey Sarge!

What?

I'm not covering my ass.

You're the one trying to cover yours.

No way.

Stop arguing you two.

Simmons isn't covering his ass,

and Grif certainly isn't coverin' his.

No one's ass is being covered.

Got it?

Donut, what d'ya want?

Uh, is that a trick question?

Donut...

Well, I was up on the windmill again,

and I think I found a route we can take out of here.

Great!

Simmons, load up.

Donut, you back up Simmons.

Yes, sir, okey dokey.

Grif, you get in the base

and distract the Blues while we get ready to leave.

You're sending Grif?

Mmm, okay, be right back.

Grif?

Don't you remember the last time

you sent him to distract Command

during our surprise inspection?

He told them we were all in the base

doing last minute cleaning,

because we all had cholera,

and we were in quarantine for a month.

My ass still hurts from all the shots we got.

Yeah, you can say that again.

Mine hurts too.

You weren't even there, Donut.

Oh, I thought we were just sharing stuff.

Wait a second, you guys better not

just be sending me so you can run off once I'm inside!

Of course not moron, now hurry up!

Okay, everybody in the jeep.

(guitar strums)

You are in a cool river,

where no one disturbs you,

or calls you names.

Like "Bomby."

Or, "The Exploding Jerk."

There are sheep nearby,

the kind that don't blow up,

you are happy.

But not overly happy, regular happy.

Breathe in through your nose, (breathes)

and out through the mouth.

Again, in through the nose (breathes),

and out through the mouth.

Uh, maybe I'll get some candles,

would you like some candles, or some incense?

How 'bout that?

Hey andy, knock knock.

Who's there?

Inner peace and serenity.

I already heard that one.

And when we get there,

we'll radio Command and say we need a replacement,

because we have absolutely no idea what happened to-

oh Grif!

What are you doing back so soon?

That was the shortest distraction of all time.

What's wrong?

What were the Blues doing?

You know, I can honestly say

I have no idea what I just saw.

Can I quit the army now?

Seriously, I think I've seen everything

I need to see at this point.

If only I can make that happen, dirt bag.

I mean it, just tell me

where to turn in my gun, I'm done.

(low pitched music)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

Careful you fools,

I need the device intact,

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

Now kill all those fools!

And those fools over there.

And those fools.

Leave no fool left unkilled.

This army has a no fool discrimination clause.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

I like that we have a no fool discrimination clause.

It makes us progressive.

(guitar strums)

Okay, so let me get this straight,

they were talking to the bomb.

Dude, I don't know.

They mentioned something about candles and a bubble bath,

and they were playing some kind of a new age CD,

like a Yanni fan club meeting.

That makes no sense at all.

Did you want to translate for us Pinky Pants?

My guess is that they're trying

to get the bomb to do something for them.

And all that sweet talk and candles

will work on a bomb?

It would work on me.

Don't you see what they're trying to do?

No, isn't that the point of this conversation?

The Blues are obviously trying

to coax the bomb into rearming.

They're about to launch an attack.

On us!

Why would they do that?

Because they're Blues.

Somebody get this kid the manual.

Oh, I hate the Blues.

That's the spirit, Simmons.

(musical tone) (O'Malley laughs maniacally)

It is time, my robot minions.

He means robot miniones.

Where's your cultural sensitivity?

At last, we will seize our destiny!

Do we really have to seize destiny?

Can't we just invite it to join

our online circle of friends?

And quit sending me those invites.

They're repulsive.

Prepare for battle!

We will break upon their fortress like an evil wind!

Oh.

Attack!

Charge.

And you in the back.

Lopez, can't you speed them up?

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

This isn't what I asked for.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

(O'Malley sighs)

Charge.

So, we cool here?

I think we're finally calmed down.

Yes, we are all better now.

We are not mad and we are definitely not thinking

about exploding at all anymore.

Hey, are you talkin' about me?

What?

No, of course not.

We just wanna make sure that we're all happy

and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever.

Don't say we,

you really mean me.

I mean you, which in this case is me.

No, no, no.

We're talking about Tex.

Excuse me?

(whispers) Hey, you want to die in an explosion?

Play along.

Yeah.

I don't know if you've noticed, but she's,

she's kind of a bitch.

Isn't that right, Tex?

(growls) Church.

I don't know.

Come on, Tex.

Yes, we're talking about me.

Sounds like you're patronizing me.

No, really it's me.

I'm a bitch.

(chuckles) Keep going.

And I need to be calmed down all the time.

Or what happens?

Or else I get so mad,

I kill people on my own team.

I see your point.

Tell him about the moodiness.

And the crankiness.

Also mention that you like to punch

people in the head while they sleep.

That was you?

I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.

Well, she sounds like a real handful.

Alright listen you little noob firecracker-

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

See what I mean Andy?

Volatile.

I am so gonna remember this, Church.

You should sleep with your pillow on top

of your head, tonight.

Yes, that's very funny,

make all the threats you want.

As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful,

and there's nothing else to make us excited,

I don't care.

(explosion)

I could almost feel that coming,

right as I finished the sentence.

(explosion)

What the Hell was that?

It sounded like a huge explosion.

Chantilly lace!

That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.

Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded.

Isn't that good for us?

Grif, don't interrupt me

when I'm leading in a battle situation!

We're in battle?

Of course we are!

Now get ready for your orders.

Donut!

Yes, sir.

Scream like a woman.

Can do. (screams)

Grif!

What?

Prepare to sacrifice yourself

to save a nearby superior officer.

I don't think I've been trained on that.

Simmons, kiss ass at will.

You're both an excellent leader,

and a handsome man sir.

Excellent work, Simmons.

Incoming!

(rocket hisses)

(explosion)

Grif, you're up.

(Donut screams)

Permission to assist Donut, Sir.

Permission denied.

Continue with Operation Meatshield.

Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken

doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me!

Now get out there.

Good call, sir!

You're on your way to a medal, Simmons.

In fact, medals all the way around.

Purple Heart for Grif,

Pink Heart for Donut,

and a Brown Nose for Simmons.

(explosion)

(guitar strums)

(Donut screams)

Charge.

Will you hurry up!

Lopez, I'm disappointed in your work.

These minions are much too slow.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

You don't even have legs,

and you still got up here faster than them.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

They may be slow, but their posture is excellent!

(O'Malley groans)

A for effort, Lopez!

(guitar strums)

I think they're distracted.

Let's use this chance to slip away.

Great idea, sir.

I have a lock on the distress signal.

We can head right for it.

Good thinkin', Simmons.

Everybody in the jeep.

Shotgun! Shotgun, fuck!

Shotgun's lap!

Fuck.

There's just no room for four people.

Someone will have to jog alongside.

Grif?

Jog, what's that?

It's like running slowly.

Dear God, you don't know what jogging means?

Yeah, you lost me at running.

Sorry, it's not in my contract.

Oh, don't worry.

I'll do it.

Just give me one second while I put my jogging shorts on.

Wait, I want to reconsider.

Who wants to hold my ankles

while I stretch out my hammies?

No ones' falling for that twice, Donut.

(guitar strums)

All right, I think I can take 'em.

I just need a better weapon.

Want me to help you find one?

Why don't you just give me your sword?

No way, I can see right through your little ploy.

You just want me to give you the sword.

That's what I just said.

Yeah, but it's the way you said it.

You know, it's a good thing that,

that sword doesn't run on brainpower.

Oh my God, Tucker, look, hot chicks.

Nice try.

You just want me to turn around

so you can knock me out and take the sword.

Now the hot girls are making out.

Okay, that's worth the risk.

Ah, crap.

(guitar strums)

Just stay calm, Andy.

Everything will be fine.

I'm okay.

Really, I like explosions.

You on the other hand look a little nervous.

You know,

I always get a little nervous during battles.

I think it's cause we never win.

Yeah, don't sweat it.

If they get in the base,

I'll just explode and kill everybody.

Wouldn't that kill us too, Andy?

Hey, you can't make an omelet

without blowing up a few eggs.

I like eggs.

Me too.

Gary, is it possible that the great destroyer

could be an entire army of people?

No.

The great destroyer is a single person

who will come to claim the great weapon.

Yeah, that's great.

Prepare, one and all.

The fulfillment of the great prophecy is at hand.

So you have no good news for me today?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

(guitar strums)

Let's go, men.

One of them's following us.

We're goin' too slow!

We have to leave someone behind.

[Grif And Simmons] Not it.

What?

No way.

You're leaving me behind?

Sorry Donut, but military law is very clear

in regard to the "not it" methodology for making decisions.

Aw, man, there's still so much about the army

I don't understand.

Here he comes.

Donut, you hide here and wait

for the guy tailing us.

Then when he passes, shoot him square in the back

and watch him die.

Just like John Wayne would have done.

Hurry up guys, he's getting closer!

No wait, no he, yeah he is getting closer.

No, yes!

All this retreating,

and shooting people in the back,

doesn't sound very noble.

We're not retreating, we're advancing!

Towards future victory!

How am I gonna find you guys?

Just follow the distress signal to its source,

you'll find us there.

But I don't have a way to track it!

Excellent point, Donut.

Thank you, sir. Aw.

(Donut sighs and smacks lips)

God, well, I've got some time.

(blasters fire)

Attack.

(blasters fire)

Attack.

(blasters fire)

Attack.

(O'Malley laughs maniacally)

Faster, faster!

Pathetic.

Lopez, how do I say faster in Spanish?

(blasters fire)

(O'Malley speaking Spanish)

That was rather long to mean "hurry up."

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Oh man, it's that creepy dude!

I wonder why he's insulting himself.

Qué curioso.

Ooh, the motorcycle!

(O'Malley speaking Spanish)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Oh, drat, I only had two payments left.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Of course not!

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

It's a scam.

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

Of course we live in a bad neighborhood.

We're evil doers.

We're what makes the neighborhood bad.

Whoa, Tucker, are you okay?

(groans) Okay, new rule.

We start rotating knockouts.

Next time it's your turn.

Hey good idea.

And next time Caboose decides

he wants to go around team killing,

you can take that one.

Maybe we should all stick

to what we know best.

Hey, where's your weapon.

You think she knocked me out for fun?

This isn't Tuesday, dude.

She took it.

Man, this is not gonna be good.

Attack.

(robot speaking Spanish)

(explosion)

Uh oh.

(explosions)

The great destroyer has arrived.

The end is near.

The great destroyer has arrived.

The end is near.

(guitar strums)

(Lopez speaking Spanish)

I'm going to sneak around the side.

Let me know if you see anything.

Lopez, Lopez!

Lopez!

Oh, no!

No!

(distant gunshots)

Just a little further guys.

You stole that thing all by yourself?

Yep.

And then I ran over the guy that was chasing us.

And a few other innocent pedestrians.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush.

I wish I'd started at a much younger age.

I caught the fever!

Okay, the source of the distress signal

is right outside this-crap!.

(screams) No!

This sucks.

Wow, she really did a lot of damage.

Are you surprised?

No, not really.

I guess not.

I'll tell you what it's days like today,

I'm really glad she's on our side.

Who is on our side?

Whoa, who killed all the robots?

You did.

No, I didn't.

What?

I've been downstairs,

trying to figure out how to turn this sword on.

Wait a second.

Just push the power button.

I did that didn't work.

Yeah, that's surprising.

The end is near.

The great destroyer has arrived.

The end is near.

The great destroyer has arrived.

The end is near.

The great destroyer has arrived.

The end is near.

The great destroyer has arrived.

Oh come on Gary Gary Gary,

stop stop stop.

Hey if Tex is not the destroyer from the prophecy,

then who is?

Gary?

Gary: Knock knock.

Who's there?