Original subtitles

Hey, why are you slamming the door?

I fucking hate my life, Mom.

Hey, what's wrong?

I don't want to talk about it.

Can I just relax and not talk about it?

Wasn't today the day that you went on your date with that one girl? Oh, yeah,

yes, yes. That did happen.

That one girl, that one girl, yeah.

I have decided I'm giving up on dating.

Permanently.

I'm done.

I'm going to shave my head.

I'm going to join a fucking monastery.

I'm going to be a vegan.

I'm going to change my life. I'm going to give it over to Buddha or whatever.

God will keep me from going through what I just went through today.

That's ridiculous.

I don't think it is, Mom. What happened? Did you just have a bad experience? Big

deal. I mean, you're young.

It's going to happen.

Yeah, totally.

You know, it's going to happen. I can understand having a few bad dates, but

this one sort of takes the cake. And I'm in a lot of pain emotionally and now

physically, too.

I'm done. I quit.

Women are insane.

Yeah, but I mean, girls, they're going to break your heart every day.

But are they going to break my dick every day? She bit my penis, Mom.

She bit it. She bit your dick?

Yes, she bit my dick.

Like... Was she trying to give you a blowjob and she accidentally bit it? At

this point, I don't know what she was trying to do. I thought that when the

penis goes in the mouth, there's going to be a little bit of sucking and stuff

and maybe some nice things. She bit it straight up. Just bit my dick. Maybe she

put it in at an angle and it bit your teeth or something.

I can't imagine someone just biting your dick, honey. See, neither can I.

I'm done with dating sites. I'm done with trying to meet people. I'm never

to have sex again.

Because you're afraid that girls are going to bite your dick.

I'm afraid that the next one might just bite it clean off.

And it just, it hurts.

It hurts. Well, sometimes, honey, girls that are not so experienced, they, you

know, it helps the back of their mouth and will hit their teeth and stuff like

that. Are you sure it wasn't an accident?

It was not an accident, Mom.

No, no, no. Running into the end of the street, getting hit by a car, chasing a

ball was an accident.

deliberately biting a person's dick.

No, I can't forgive that.

I don't know if you've actually had a good blowjob in hunting, because girls,

they usually don't bite guys' dicks.

That's sort of what I've been reading online.

Okay,

why don't, here, take off your shorts.

I'm going to help you. I'm going to show you what a good blowjob is, because I

don't want this to ruin your experience with women in the future.

I don't want you thinking every woman's going to bite your dick when they give

you a blowjob. Are you kidding?

No, I mean, come on.

Mom, that's weird.

I can't do that. Yeah, but otherwise, you're not going to go on any dates, and

you're going to be scared that people are going to bite you down there. Are

telling me you don't want me to live with you for the rest of my life?

Honey. Are you trying to get rid of me?

So ridiculous.

Just take it off. Pull on your shorts. Take it off. Come on.

Good. I don't feel very comfortable right now, Mom. Come on, honey.

Don't cover up. It's fine. I promise you. It doesn't feel fine.

I know this is a little bit weird, but I don't want... I honestly don't want

your experience with women to be weird. You know? So let me just take care of

it. I'll show you that some girls can actually give good blowjobs.

Are you serious right now? Yeah, of course. Honey, not everyone's going to

bite your dick for no reason or accidentally...

Brush it up against their teeth.

Okay? It feels good. It's something that's supposed to feel good.

That's really what I heard. All my friends say that blowjobs are like the

thing in the whole world. And I just had nothing but bad luck.

Okay, honey. Just try to relax. And I promise you this is going to feel really

good.

Okay. Okay?

Oh.

Oh, it already feels better than...

what I've been through.

Yeah,

that's way better.

Not biting at all.

Oh, God, yeah, that is so much better than she... Oh, Mom.

Oh, God, is it really supposed to feel that good?

Oh, God.

See, honey, no teeth. It feels really, really good.

Yeah, it does.

Oh, shit.

Ooh.

I don't think I'm ready to give up on women yet now.

Oh.

Oh,

yes. You know what else feels really good?

What? Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh Fuck mom really

Yeah, it does.

Oh, God.

It's okay, you can't touch mommy's head.

Sometimes it feels better if you, you know, push your head.

Have you had any more experience than just this?

No. Have you ever had sex before or anything? Not really, Mom.

Do you want to try that? Are you serious?

Yeah, so that you have a good experience. I would love that.

Okay, honey.

Don't be nervous. Just slide it in.

You got to be nice and slow.

Oh.

Oh, God.

I can't believe this is happening.

It's okay, honey.

There you go.

It feels really good for me.

Really? Mm -hmm.

Oh,

can I see your tissue?

Hi. Oh.

Ooh.

Good night, Dave.

any more dates.

I'm easy

and watching porn that had doggies smiling.

I can take much more.

I don't have to come.

I want you to feel good, okay? Okay. I want you to feel good.

Oh. Oh.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, yes.

Oh, God, Mom.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

It's so good.

It's so much better than I thought it would be.

Oh. Oh, fuck.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh.

Oh god.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh god man.

Oh god it's everywhere.

Oh.

Looks so good.

Oh thank you. Thank you so much.

what it doesn't even matter mom because if i have another bad date i know who

i'm coming home to yeah honey i'll take care of you thank you mom i love you

sweetie i love you