Original subtitles

GIRLS CHAT AND LAUGH

Oh, that's so funny.

Did you see the one on the group chat the other day?

Oh, stop.

SHE GROANS

Two seconds.

I'm going to send it to Sally.

What, Sally-Anne from jujitsu?

- Yeah. - Oh, my God, I love her!

She's so good, so good.

She was saying about how she misses you so much.

Stop. I love her.

Hi. I'm here for my 12-week scan. 9:15.

- Lisa? - That's right, yeah.

Date of birth?

4th March, 1990.

And the first line of your address?

Flat 96, Lawson Court.

Did you want to purchase any photos?

Oh, you can just ask them once you're in there.

Thank you. Yeah.

WOMAN SOBS

First line of your address?

Flat 96, Lawson Court.

- And you're...? - 12 weeks, three days.

- Lovely. - Well, let's get you...

We've actually had a...bit of a journey.

Haven't we?

I, er... We've...we've had three losses.

Oh. OK.

And one of them was actually at the...

We had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, so...

OK. Yep.

We're...we're a bit nervous.

OK. No problem.

Do you want to get on the bed?

Thanks, yeah.

Her...her back's been a little bit...

- It's fine. - Yep.

- Do you...? - Mm-mm.

Will you tell us as soon as, like...?

I'll have a look and then, as soon as I can,

I will let you know how things are looking.

Thank you.

OK.

GLOVES SQUEAK

Right.

Put that on here.

Would you like to watch the scan?

- Yes, please. - Yeah? - Yeah.

Thanks.

This'll be a bit cold.

How's this pregnancy been?

- I've had a bit of cramping, haven't I? - Yeah.

But I...I'm still feeling quite sick, so...

Well, there's all kinds of things going on down there,

so you're bound to have a bit of cramping.

Let's have a look, shall we?

The monitor's just there, so you can see what I'm looking at.

I'll need to take some measurements,

and it can take me a while to find Baby,

but I will let you know what I find as soon as I can, OK?

- Thank you. - OK.

Sorry.

OK.

How...how does it look?

One moment, please.

SHE CRIES

Er...

Er, we'd like...we'd like to know if everything's OK.

RAPID HEARTBEAT ON MONITOR

Er...

HE LAUGHS FALTERINGLY

THEY LAUGH AND CRY

# My dreams are up in arms again

# They say they can't compete with you

# You start the day with a little syllable

# Love don't finish

# When you move to kiss me

# Now each word bursts like a volcano

# Cos there's nowhere else for this love to go... #

THEY LAUGH AND CRY

# I grabbed a keyboard and a microphone

# Cos there's nowhere else for this love to go... #

- LAUGHING: - Oh, bloody hell.

Is...is it OK?

Oh, it's more than OK.

DEVICE BEEPS

Morning, love.

Sleep well?

Yes, I slept well.

Mum, did you sleep well?

THEY LAUGH

Why are you so obsessed with how I slept?

HE CHUCKLES

Shall I bring your bags down?

You're so funny.

I can bring my own bags down, thanks, Dad.

I'm driving myself to university.

I think I can bring my bags down.

DAD LAUGHS

I'm sorry.

He's your father.

There's nothing I can do.

Right, I've got everything you need.

I've got KitKats, I've got doughnuts,

I've got orange Fanta, I've got lemon Fanta.

I've made cakes.

Nothing for the cakes? Wow, OK.

Huh.

GAMES CONSOLE BEEPS

GAME BLEEPS AND BLOOPS

Let me know if you fancy some cake.

- Congratulations! - Oh, thank you.

How are you feeling?

Er, yeah, not too great, to be honest.

"Not too great to be honest".

Oh, I just love it!

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, no, I'm actually feeling really terrible.

THEY LAUGH

No, it's... Seriously.

It's awful.

THEY LAUGH

Just a...a glass of ice, please.

Oh, a pint.

A pint glass of ice?

- Two. - Really?

Yep.

And, er, two pint glasses of ice.

Have I told you about when I gave birth?

You have, yeah.

Yeah, erm...

The doctors were actually amazed by my placenta.

- Mm. LAUGHING: - Yeah.

Oh...

MONITOR DISTORTS BRIEFLY

MONITOR DISTORTS

RAPID HEARTBEAT ON MONITOR

- Ham sandwiches? - Yeah.

I'm just trying to think of some meals I know how to make.

Good one.

So what's that? Ham, butter, bread...

- Yep. - Crisps.

Yeah.

OK.

Dinners.

I was literally just around the corner.

We've been here 15 minutes.

You're hilarious.

Just text me.

Wow, OK, so you actually want me to get here later

because you want me to stop rushing and text you?

I mean, do you want me to be here on time or not?

Cos I'm getting very mixed messages.

We're actually, erm...

We're going to go out.

There's so many potholes in the road.

The little holes in the road -

they call them potholes.

The council are supposed to fill them in.

But do we really want the council to divert resources

away from hospitals and the educational services

to fill a load of holes in the roads?

It's tricky.

Careful, please.

Just be careful, yeah?

Ah, Jesus. OK, that's...

Come down now, Daniel. That's enough.

No. That's enough.

Do you ever bite the bottom?

Really?

You've never done it?

Hmm!

You bite the bottom...

..and then you suck it...

You know, like...

You know straws, yeah?

Just like a straw.

Mm-hm.

And suck it.

Let me see.

It's coming.

Be patient.

You're good at that.

Did you see my email?

Er, yep. Sorry.

You can turn it into a pdf, yeah? And send it on.

Of course, yeah.

If you could just reply when I email you...

Absolutely.

Yep.

SHE RETCHES

What's a muslin?

If you want to speak to me, come in here!

You going to eat all that?

Have you seen the size of my piles?

- LAUGHING: - I don't want to hear about...

I don't want to hear about your piles.

- SHE LAUGHS - I don't want to hear about...

Don't want to hear about your piles.

SHE GIGGLES

I think it's just like a cloth.

What, a tea-towel?

Yeah.

So, it's...it's a tea-towel.

No, it's made with, like, special, soft...

It's a tea-towel.

They call it a muslin and charge you three times as much.

It's not a tea-towel!

- What do you use it for? - Just...

Just, like...

..wiping, like, sick and stuff.

Jesus!

The baby's going to be sick on you.

Jesus.

Sick and dribble.

THEY CHUCKLE

We'll be mopping, like, piss and shit...

- Oh, fucking hell. - What?

- Lisa? - Yes.

Mm, fingers...

- Oh, my God, the fingers, yeah. - Uh-huh.

THEY LAUGH

So busy.

I think we're in trouble here.

THEY CHUCKLE

OK, so, two hands,

five fingers on each hand, two feet, ten toes.

Oh, my God, the toes.

Huh, they're moving a lot.

That's...that's good, isn't it?

It's all what we'd hope to see.

And if you look here...

..that thing there...

..that's his willy.

Huh.

HE SNIFFS

HE SOBS

A little boy.

HE CRIES

I don't know what's happened to me.

THEY LAUGH

I'm...I'm not going to be like...

I'm not going to be like...

"You have to be this, you have to be that."

I've left you a load of biscuit stuff.

I think sometimes dads can be...

Well, not my dad but maybe Dave's dad a little bit...

They can get in the way of you being who you are.

But it's...it's...

What a privilege.

A little boy.

It's the greatest privilege.

So you just whisk up the eggs, flour and milk.

Touch of salt.

And then you have to get the oil hot.

How hot?

Oh, like, hot.

Too hot for you.

How do you know when it's hot enough?

Er, it spits.

Yeah, not a lot of people do that but, er,

it's something I figured out quite early on.

Did you make up this recipe yourself?

Kind of.

You know, I do feel bad for you guys, having to live with Simon.

Hmm!

Poor Mum. I mean, what has she got herself into?

I bet they row quite a lot, don't they?

He was crying the other night.

Who, Simon was?

Was he?

He was crying?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, my God, I love that - Simon crying.

I cry sometimes.

No, you don't.

No, we had a great time.

OK.

I had pancakes.

Really? Wow!

Er, yeah, it's...it's kind of awkward but, er,

he asked if I could stay for lunch.

But I don't want to, erm...

- No. - If Simon's...

Simon's at his mum's.

- Don't worry, I'll... - No, er... No.

Nightlight's in the front pocket...

No, no, it's fine.

Stay.

It's nice that he asked you.

Yeah.

A cabbage?

Bloody hell!

- That's like... - Yeah.

No wonder...no wonder you don't stop moaning.

Fuck you!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, my God, I'm leaking.

THEY LAUGH

You are so sexy.

- Are you here for NCT? - Yeah.

I've got a very good birth plan.

- It is a good one, actually. - I plan to be hiding in the pub.

- That's my birth plan. - He probably will as well!

THEY LAUGH

- We've been doing hypnobirthing, haven't we? - Yeah.

I want to go for a lotus birth, er,

because I really think you should.

- Whereas I'm really, erm... - WHISPERS: - Don't say it.

I can say it.

Hmm.

I'm really interested in vaginal seeding.

I've made a playlist.

Erm, you're going to give birth on all fours, aren't you?

Like an animal.

Then it's sweets, er, chocolate...

Caffeine for you.

Yeah, I'll need my caffeine.

Erm...

Yeah, er...

No, we haven't really considered it yet, have we?

It's been quite hard to think of it as...er...

..real. SHE EXHALES HEAVILY

Maternity unit?

Midwife.

LAUGHING: Midwifery unit?

What's the difference?

God knows.

HE CHUCKLES

I want there to be doctors.

- Just put doctors. - Yeah.

- Capital letters. LAUGHING: - Yeah.

Doc-tors.

HE CHUCKLES

Tonnes of doctors. All the painkillers.

Just put "Give me the lot."

SHE LAUGHS

Who do I want to be with me during the labour?

My dad?

THEY LAUGH

Good idea, yeah.

Do you think your mum will come?

- LAUGHING: - I can ask her.

I'd love that.

She could just stand there being fucking inane.

Wow!

It'd be perfect.

Do you want to be there if it's forceps or vacuum?

Mm? What's vacuum?

The baby is guided out using a cap fitted to its head by suction.

Shut up.

Oh, my God, that's so gross.

Ugh!

- Yeah. - OK, whatever.

Can I get...?

Do we want to use...

..a special LDRP room?

THEY GROAN AND LAUGH

Is there any option for who the fuck knows?

Yeah, there actually is.

- We need to look this up. - Mm.

I think what you really need

is for me to spend the birth reminding you to be positive.

SHE LAUGHS

It's weird how that's not an option.

Yeah, I'd love that, actually.

It's just useful to be reminded.

I'm starting to worry this is actually going to happen.

Don't be silly. It's all going to fall apart.

You'll have an affair

and we'll end up getting divorced.

I've had hundreds.

Wha-what...what is an...

..episiotomy?

You don't want to know.

- Hi. - Come in, come in, come in.

Excellent. Many thanks.

Daniel, your dad's here!

Sorry, I'm just on a Zoom.

The Japanese don't seem to notice it's the weekend.

Ah.

DANIEL: I can't find the bag!

Coming!

Could you drop him off a bit later tomorrow?

Like 5:30, 6:00?

We've got a scan.

Absolutely.

She's been a bit anxious since the 12 weeks.

- Have you packed your bazooka? - DANIEL GIGGLES

No!

Have you packed your whisky, your gin, your wine, your beer?

LAUGHING: No!

Oh, I know what you've forgotten.

Have you packed your dog poo?

DANIEL LAUGHS

- Don't do this, mate. - No!

I just cooked that whole meal for you!

- No! - You're being un...bearable!

TABLET CLATTERS

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

CUTLERY CLINKS

See? You're eating it.

You know it's my job to teach you these things?

What?

Am I supposed to, er, let you grow up thinking it's OK

to reject food that your host has cooked for you?

What kind of father would that make me?

Huh.

Seriously, what kind of father would that make me?

Feel that?

Sometimes they reckon if you eat ice...

Oh! Oh, ho, ho!

- Wow! - Did you feel that?

Yeah.

SHE LAUGHS

I think...

I think his feet must be down there...

..which means he's moving.

Oh! Oh!

Was that a big one?

Oh, God, yeah.

SHE CHUCKLES

- TO HIMSELF: - Nah, I mean, I can't wait.

Genuinely cannot wait...

Can you stop that?

Stop what?

DANIEL TALKS INDISTINCTLY

Well, I'll probably come to yours at night.

Hour and a half, yeah.

I've still got some stuff and I can...

So...stretch suits.

Yep.

What's a stretch suit?

OK, so, it's like...

It's like it covers all his body?

Yeah - on cold days, bedtime.

HE SIGHS

Bootees...

..socks. What the fuck are bootees?

Shoes?

Yeah, shoes.

Just call them shoes.

SHE CHUCKLES

He's got his big coat.

- What about his cashmere? - Oh, shut up.

- What? - He won't wear cashmere.

He won't take clothes, he won't take my thermals...

Of course he won't take your bloody thermals!

He needs layers!

Would you have worn your dad's thermals?!

THEY LAUGH

People are like, "Great - you're pregnant."

- Oh, my God. - Now you can forget about it, put all that behind you.

Yeah, cos it's easy, right?

Shrug it off.

HE SCOFFS

We'll be sat here when we're 80 and we'll still be thinking about them.

This is great.

Oh, good.

This'll really set me up.

Is that all the bacon?

No.

Yeah, Maya was like, "It's going to be amazing."

HE SNORTS

I just kind of nod and...and do that smile.

- I know that smile. - Yeah, it's great.

You do that to me.

HE LAUGHS

- Only when you're being boring. - SHE CHUCKLES

We don't know if he's going to be healthy

or whatever when he comes out.

What's he going to be like?

- Who's he going to be like? - Hmm.

Oil?

Don't need it.

The fat from the bacon...

- It cooks in its own fat. - Exactly! Huh?

Eggs.

Right, you've got three options - fried, boiled, scrambled, poached.

That's four.

THEY LAUGH

Mum!

- Mum! - Lisa!

There's no way of knowing who he's going to be.

I guess I'm worried about the birth itself.

No, it's fine.

I'm going to breathe through the pain.

Hmm.

Yeah.

The...the pain can be quite extreme, though, can't it?

Yes, which is why I plan to breathe through it.

God, it's all so terrifying.

I-I'm going to have to...hold her hand, sleep in a chair...

listen to her screaming.

You've got ear plugs.

Yeah, but you're so loud.

Well, we're not worried at all, are we?

Nah. Easy.

We like to keep positive, don't we?

Yeah, we're really positive people.

Especially me.

STEPHEN LAUGHS

All right?

What are you doing here?

LAUGHING: Same as you, I reckon.

I hope not, for your sake.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, careful of the pint! Careful of the pint!

It's been a while.

Yeah, no, what's it been? Like...a few months?

- More than a few. - Well, time flies when you're having fun.

HE LAUGHS

Always having fun, mate, always having fun.

You look good, mate.

Thanks for noticing.

THEY LAUGH

You noticing how I look now?

THEY LAUGH

Do I need to be worried?

Oh, yeah, you do, actually.

DAVE LAUGHS

- You need to be very worried. - Uh-oh!

THEY LAUGH

Uh-oh is right.

THEY LAUGH

Happy birthday, mate.

Hey, you all right? We're going to get another drink.

So how you been?

Ah! You following me?

THEY LAUGH

Always following you.

I'm like a bad smell.

Yeah, I wondered what it was.

How's everything with Amanda and...Olive?

Olive, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All good, mate. All good.

It's all just like...

- Yeah, no, photos, yeah. - Ha-ha.

Great about your baby.

- Ah, yeah. - Congratulations. - Thanks, yeah.

- Is it congratulations, or...? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is, yeah.

Great.

We haven't really been telling anyone.

- No, that's great, mate. - We didn't want to tempt fate...

No, no. Er, Matt mentioned it and...

- Yeah. - What have you done? Well, we've...

HE LAUGHS

I know, right?

THEY CHUCKLE

Yeah, commiserations. Your life's over.

THEY CHUCKLE

Enjoy it while you can.

THEY CHUCKLE LESS

- BARMAN: - Who's...? Yeah? - Oh, it's her.

No, actually, we've been trying for a while.

No bad thing.

One way to get her to sleep with you.

HE LAUGHS

It's been a difficult time, to be honest, cos...

Cos we actually...managed to get pregnant before.

Er, yeah, er, can I get four pints... Do you want one?

- I'll get 'em. - No, I'll get 'em.

- No, no, come on, I'll get 'em. - No, I'll get 'em.

No, no, come on, I'll get 'em.

No, I'm getting a round. Peroni?

I'll get the next one.

Er, five pints of Peroni and a Guinness, please.

Thanks.

No.

So you were...you were trying and...?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It's been tricky, really, bit of a tricky time.

And...

..we actually got pregnant three times previously but...

Erm...

Yeah.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

That must have been hard for Lisa.

- Yeah. - That must have been really tough for her.

Yeah, really tough.

- But she'll be all right. - Yeah. Nah, of course.

Yeah, she's a tough one.

THEY LAUGH

Scary woman.

Thanks.

At least it's all over now.

You're going to have a baby, so...

Mm.

Yeah. No, hopefully.

Yeah.

You can put it all behind you.

I bet you were...you were strong, though, were you?

Nothing can knock the big guy.

Er...

Er, not really.

I tried to...to be, like, positive and stuff,

be, like, the strong one, but...

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

Yeah.

Didn't really work.

Sometimes...

I think you...you do something...

because it seems like obviously the right thing to do,

and even though you...you've thought about it,

and you've thought about it from, like,

all the different angles that you think there is...

..and it still just turns out to be

a...fucking...catastrophe.

It's fun, innit?

Oh, yeah, it's great.

HE LAUGHS

I love it.

THEY LAUGH

You're all right, mate.

Yeah, yeah, nah.

HE LAUGHS

THEY CHUCKLE

Ah...

- WOMAN: - Here you are.

- Thanks. - Oh, er, thanks.

THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY

A few more of these.

- LAUGHING: - Always.

STEPHEN CLEARS THROAT

Yeah, he's...he's nearly ready.

Daniel!

Your dad!

- Come in. - I'm good.

It's cold. Come in.

I'm good.

Simon's out.

I'm good.

OK.

What are you even doing up there?!

What can we see?

What can we see on the bus?

Very peaceful.

How old?

- 14 months. - Oh, amazing.

I'm on my own, so...

Tell me about it. I've got two.

- Two? - Yeah.

I don't live with them, sadly.

It's not my choice, but...

Oh, that's really hard.

Yeah, I miss 'em like...

HE SIGHS

So you're a single dad, then?

If you want to know if I'm single, you could just ask me if I'm single.

- Sorry, I didn't mean... - No, I'm kidding.

THEY CHUCKLE

Hey.

Hello.

SHE CHUCKLES

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

BABY VOCALISES

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

BABY VOCALISES

Hey, hey!

Stephen.

Stephen...

..I think I'm having contractions.

You all right?

I'm having contractions.

- Jesus fucking Christ. - No, it's...

Come on.

Can you stop looking at me?

I'm not looking at you.

LAUGHING: Stop looking at me!

Oh, God.

I'm fine!

Everyone's...always over-reacting at everything.

People have been giving birth for thousands of years...

- LAUGHING: - Yeah.

They think it's going to be hard, so they make it hard.

Whereas this is like...

- It's a natural process. - Yeah.

How hard can it be?

SHE MOANS QUIETLY

Er...

That's ten minutes since the last one.

You good?

Yeah, no, I've got this.

You got the car seat?

Remember your breathing.

Don't have to remind me to...breathe.

SHE MOANS AND EXHALES HEAVILY

Hooh...

Oh, wait, wait.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

They were every five minutes.

Yeah, 60 seconds every five minutes.

But now they've dropped to...

Yeah, cos of the car journey, now about every eight minutes,

And they're... They are shorter.

They've dropped to 40, 45 seconds.

What does that mean?

Should've left them in the car.

Oh, yeah.

SHE MOANS QUIETLY

KNOCK ON DOOR

Hi, sorry, er, my...

my wife's having contractions in the corridor and, er,

I was just wondering, is there's any chance of her having a room?

She's Lisa.

One moment, please.

Thank you.

INDISTINCT CHAT AND LAUGHTER

Yeah, she's just stood having contractions in a corridor.

Yeah, she's on the list, so when a delivery room becomes available,

- she will be given it. - Yeah, I know, but she's literally

a woman giving birth in a corridor.

Yeah, I can't just magic a delivery room out of my arse.

Yep. No, I see that.

What did they say?

Er, yeah, they were great, actually.

Really understanding.

OK.

So, er...

Twix?

Banana?

Oh, sorry.

Might have a Twirl. I haven't had a Twirl in ages.

Do you prefer a Twirl or a Flake?

- You have to make a bit of a plan before you eat a Flake. - Oh, God.

Oh... Go...

MOANING CRESCENDOS

Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

Ooh!

Can I get you anything?

HE CHUCKLES

SHE MOANS

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

WRAPPER RUSTLES

WRAPPER RUSTLES

SHE WHIMPERS

SHE MOANS QUIETLY

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

# When you were small You made me feel so big

- # I'd hold you close to me... - HE SOBS

# And sniff your cheeks...

SHE MOANS

# And I loved you

# I loved the smell of you

SHE WAILS

# When you were small

SHE WAILS CONTINUOUSLY

# My mates gave up on us We were drinking less

SHE WAILS

Come on, come on, come on!

# ..put you to bed

# Oh, I loved it

# I just loved it

# When you were small...

You've got a baby boy!

# And you...

BABY CRIES

# You used to sleep on my chest

# A whole person on my chest

# And I could hear you breathe...

Hello.

SHE LAUGHS

# And you, you used to look at me

# Like there was something special About me...

We were waiting to meet you.

# Which there was When you were small

# But I know you will never remember

THEY SNIFF

# The things that we did together

# When you were small

# Playing... #

Well done. Congratulations.

# ..superheroes at five In the morning

# Building marble runs at dawn

# But you barely notice me now

# But you You used to sleep on my chest

# A whole person on my chest

# And I could hear you breathe

# And you You used to look at me

# Like there was something special About me

# Which there was When you were small

# So when you go out With your mates tonight

# And you feel messy After two pints

# I'll be here

# Like I was here

# When you were small. #

THEY EXHALE HEAVILY

BABY CROAKS

BABY VOCALISES

BABY CRIES

CRYING INTENSIFIES

BABY WAILS

Oh, fuck.

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