Original subtitles

Thank you.

Gentlemen, ladies, as president of WHAC, I suppose you

expect congratulations on our being the number one X -rated network in the

United States.

You know, a full 75 % of the top -rated programs on the tube this year

originate on this network.

You know, I should be happy.

I should be content.

I should take a vacation and get a tan.

But I am not happy, and I am not

content, and I can't rest.

And I refuse to take a vacation and get a goddamn tan like a honky faggot

in the marina.

Not while there's a single program, not number one on WHAC, in its

time slot.

Never!

And now, here we are in the red.

And what do I see here?

And here? And here?

What are these?

Losers! Schmuckouts!

Whimps! Lats and bass, wasters.

Is that what we want on WHAZ? No, Mr. Blackman.

I know.

You're proud men and women. You've worked damn hard.

You know, your little whorehouse on the prairie won an hour on Monday night that

no one's been ever to capture before.

And Tuesday night, the mating game, just sensational.

Genitals prefer blondes.

won an award for the highest rated movie made for TV this season.

We can be proud of these things. Yes.

But until we're number one across the board, you niggers better get your asses

in gear.

You dig?

Yes, Mr. Blackman.

That's better.

That's better.

Because we still...

have some damn tough competition to face.

For instance, there's one that swept first place for the past six years.

It's creamed. Everything we put up against it, comedies, reruns, game

nothing seems to stop it. I'm referring, of course, to that old war horse,

General Hospital.

But I have faith in you motherfuckers.

I'm anxious to hear the solutions that your white, depraved brains came up

So I give you our vice president in charge of programming for our dramatic

daytime series, Mr. Barry Hooper. Barry.

Thanks, big guy.

Okay.

We finally realized what the key to general hospital success really was.

General Hospital is what the American housewife watches at that time of day.

Because after the kitchen is mopped, those brats are off to school.

That third martini slugged down.

The neurotic next door neighbor consoled. The mother -in -law kicked

The dog driven to obedience school.

The goddamn mail lugged into the mailbox. The American housewife wants

The American housewife needs to. In fact, she demands to be in one place,

one place only, and that's the friggin' hospital!

I don't know why the hell we didn't realize this sooner. But now that we do,

we've come up with the perfect competition.

A hospital show to beat General Hospital at its own game.

And with our own special whack.

Touches, of course.

We call it...

Genital Hospital!

Hmm.

Well, your pressure's a little low there, Ronnie. Not feeling so well

huh?

Afraid not, Doc.

I... Ah,

nurse. I've been expecting you.

So, how's my paper today?

Nurse, I'd like you to take the patient's vital signs. Yes, doctor.

And could you get me a specimen, too?

Yes, doctor.

Okay, Ron, why don't you just roll over?

Ow!

Damn it, that hurts! Now, Ronnie, you heard what the doctor said.

I'm not going to let you do it to me.

Now, Ronnie, you heard what the doctor said. Now just relax.

Now what are you doing?

Hush now. I've work to do. I'm just checking your vital signs like the

told me to.

Okay, now.

This won't hurt a bit.

How come you gotta go stick that thing in me like that?

I'm just getting your anal temperature.

Now just relax and be cool.

Why do you expect me to be cool when you're making me so hot?

Ah!

Crying out loud. What do you think I am, a pincushion?

Now, Ronnie, you're just being difficult.

Here, let me show you. It won't hurt a bit.

Now just take the thermometer and stick it in my pussy and get it a little wet.

And then stick it in the little hole above that.

Gee,

it goes in so easy.

That's right, love.

You can stick almost anything in there you want.

Here, let me slip this off and I'll show you.

Why don't you try your fingers for starters?

I can't take it.

Gee,

this is fun.

But you could even take this Coke bottle.

Are you kidding?

Here, let me spread my cheeks for you.

Ooh, baby, that feels so good.

You're getting the right idea now.

Here.

Let me get your car card and put that in, too.

Serious?

Mm.

You're so good.

Having fun?

Oh, you bet. A nurse's work is never done.

Let's try that.

Nurse, what in the hell is going on here?

Just getting the specimen for you, Doctor.

Here you go.

Fine work, Nurse.

But next time, don't ruin a perfectly good banana. His Medi -Cal does not

perishables.

Now, get your butt up to Ward 8. Mr. Peterson is due for a dong extension

operation, and he has not even shaved yet.

Yes. I understand, sir.

You know, I'll never find that little thing unless in shades.

Can I get a new sheet?

Lights! Lights!

Will somebody turn up the goddamn lights?

Cool it, you horny honkies.

Oh, fantastic stuff, Hooper. Christ!

I gotta change underwear.

I feel like I'm sitting in hot butter.

Real wanker.

I liked it, Hooper. I damn well liked it a lot.

So I see.

How do you see it going story -wise, I mean, from there, champ?

Well, that's the beautiful part of it, Blackie. I mean, Mr.

Blackman. The yarn can go in a million ways.

If a nurse catches on, she becomes a regular.

If not...

She gets a bug in the infectious ward and dies dramatically.

We have half a dozen stories already.

All winners. I can see it now.

My first job.

A young nurse's first shift in the emergency ward of a big city sex clinic.

Critical hard -ons wheeled in one after another.

Terminal cases of horniness.

Or... Or...

How's about organ transplants mother never told me about?

Or surgeons I have sucked by a head nurse?

I'd like to see the story of a young nurse.

How I lost the battle when there was no orderly withdrawal.

90 % of the hospitalized guys we interviewed want to fuck their nurses.

99 % of the hospitalized women we interviewed want their doctors... to do

exploratories on their pussies.

It's a natural.

Okay, okay.

So we got one more winner.

But that's not any reason to get cocky. There's more to conquer.

For instance...

There's that Marlon Perkins and his faggot wild kingdom.

You pussy -hating assholes better come up with a solution for that one.

Or else. So I give you a Bill Robbins vice president in charge of cutesy

animal program.

Thanks, big guy.

Oh, goodness.

Mr. Perkins has been around so long with his terrible wild kingdom.

He's had the number one spot for nature program for a coon page.

And those who are not watching that, they're watching Disneyland.

Well, this time we think we have the old buzzard's beat with Wild and Crazy

Kingdom.

Like, you know, we put it through our computers and we put together Wild

and Disneyland and it just popped out.

It's animals and it's fairy tales and it's sexy and it's wings.

So, the animals in our pilot are two

dynamite and devastatingly gay penthouse penthouse.

What the hell kind of animal looks like a Penthouse pinup?

Look, sweetheart.

Penthouse did a 12 -page spread on us. They liked it so much.

Hard to beat that kind of PR, baby.

Suck it to them, Harry.

Now, you kiddies, you just sit back and relax and you enjoy.

Our first episode begins just after.

That poor butterfly finds herself ensnared in the spider's web.

You didn't have to do that.

Stop it!

Damn it!

What do you want from me?

Why don't you speak?

Thank you

You didn't have to trap me.

You're so beautiful.

Why don't you say something?

Could it be that you can't speak?

That's it, isn't it?

Oh, poor baby.

You're just looking for a little love, just like everyone else.

You didn't have to trap me for that.

um

Thank you.

What do you think, M .B.? Right on. Now you're rocking me, baby.

Who was that spider anyway?

I never had a bug give me a heart on before. A bug on, yeah.

Her name is Linda Longlegs. We found her at a routine marketability test in

Tampa.

Very likable.

Very versatile.

And very gay.

Oh, I can see that.

Okay,

so we're hot now, huh?

But who's got the solution to be knocking out that mother of Mother's

Hey, Big Chief, I know I got the solution.

Give me a minute.

You might be surprised with what we came up with, Mighty Magoo. It's a real

peach.

It's called trash.

Trash? Yeah, I can dig it. Yeah, yeah. You got something there, fella.

Sure. The hilarious.

The hilarious.

Spooky beans.

They smell so bad.

And so will you.

The beans with the afterburn.

Pinky beans, they'll light up your life.

Mmm, mmm.

Have you seen the recruiting figures for last month?

How the hell are we going to defend this country against the red menace with the

kind of crap we're getting in this all -volunteer army?

Misfits, goofballs, guys not even fit to clean latrines.

I can't show those motivational index scores to Washington. They'll have me

sweating my ass out on some goddamn forsaken desert with some goddamn A -Rab

his goddamn flea -bitten camel, for Christ's sakes. Yes, sir.

Let's just look at the motivational index scores on these guys.

New York, 21.

New England, 26.

California, 16.

And half of them have got brain damage.

Cleveland, 16 and sinking fast.

And Little Rock, Arkansas, average motivational index, 200.

200, sir?

200?

In Little Rock?

What the hell does Little Rock know that the rest of the damn country doesn't?

They must be doing something right, sir.

Maybe we should investigate their recruiting methods.

Crother, I just had a brilliant idea.

Maybe we should investigate their recruiting methods.

I want you to get your ass down to Little Rock and find out what those

are doing.

And go in plain clothes.

I want the unvarnished truth.

They must have some sort of secret weapon or something like that.

Great idea, sir.

I'll get right on it.

If you're not the chaplain, come on in, honey.

Well, what can I do for you, good -looking?

Well, I can't seem to find a good job, so I was considering enlisting.

Can you tell me what kind of career opportunities the Army might have for

Well, I have a few questions I have to ask you, though. We want to just...

an answer.

What's your name?

Barry Carruthers.

I guess you could put it that way.

Okay, and your age?

Nineteen. Okay, what's your sexual preferences? Women, young girl, men,

or none of the above?

I like women.

Women, very good.

How many sexual experiences have you had? Under 10, under 50, or over 50?

Under 10.

Oh, we'll have to do something about that.

And what sex aids do you prefer?

Vibrators, cucumbers?

Greased pigs or black and decker routers?

I like carpentry, so I guess it would be the routers.

Well, that looks like good Army material.

Hey, how come all these questions are about sex?

Because the Army wants to make sure you're a real man.

I think the lieutenant's ready to see you now, so follow me.

Ease, Mr. Crothers.

I take it you've had some experience.

Yes.

Well, I was hoping to become a mechanic.

Oh. You mean like oiling crankshafts?

Checking proper lubrication?

Making sure all cylinders are pumping as fast and as smooth as they can?

Hmm?

Hmm? Well, yes, I guess.

But that questionnaire.

All it asked about was sex.

That's all we're interested in around here.

If you can't charge with your cock, well, what can you charge with?

I never thought of it that way.

Of course not.

You're not paid to think in the Army.

Here, put this on and we'll run through some more preliminary testing.

Are you kidding?

You want me to put on this?

The first thing a soldier learns in the Army is to take orders.

Drop your pants, Clothers, and put that on.

Hmm.

Nice fit.

Hmm.

Nice butt.

Yes, Clothers, I think you'll do well for the Army.

But I'd like to give you a little more basic training, and then we'll see if

want to sign up.

Private Rask, would you please come into my office?

Yes, ma 'am. You want my hot person?

All right, Crothers.

Let us just say that Private Rest here is an enemy spy.

How would you go about getting information from her?

Well, I'd shine a bright light in her eyes and threaten her with cigarettes.

Just as I thought.

Typical old -fashioned male chauvinist tactic.

Well, in today's army, we have a lot better method.

Private Rest.

Take care, folks.

Okay, Crothers.

Get these restraints and help me tie her up. Tight.

Is that okay?

That's fine.

Now, suck the suspect's nipple so that she'll know you're her friend.

Very light, light circular motion. Around and around the nipple with your

tongue.

That's right.

See her submissing to you now? Do you see how happy you're making her?

Now, work your way down her torso with your tongue.

Lightly.

Lightly.

Yes, now suck her pussy through her panties.

That's it.

Yes,

private rest. You're having a good time, aren't you?

How are you doing down here? Not very well, I can see.

Rip those panties off. Let me see you suck a real cunt.

Rip them! Rip them!

Great. Now, let me see how you do.

No, no, no, no. Up higher.

There you go.

Faster.

Faster, faster.

What do you think God gave you that tongue for? Come on.

Nah.

Get out of the way. Let me show you how to eat a tongue.

Okay.

I'm very impressed.

You should be.

Take those rest of the things off and step over here.

And the armies require keen work.

So I'm going to have you stick this boner inside me.

Those recruiters sure have some unusual methods.

They nearly scared the pants off of me.

Well, explain yourself, man. I don't have all day.

I think the poster will explain it better.

Holy mackerel, that was sure one fine seed.

I'll tell you something. I do feel better. Yes, yes, yes.

But we still need something to go up against Hollywood squares.

Something with a woman's touch.

Any ideas?

Well, I've got something, big boy.

Something that'll get their juices flowing.

Their bodies melting.

Their nipples hardening.

They're pussies again.

Yes, they're assholes puss -saving.

Okay, okay.

Go on already.

Sure, baby, sure.

Look, in the morning, when a woman's lonely, she wants

her man back, so we do our soap. Yes, our star is on the cover of

Penthouse magazine.

And since that toilet wife has promised to sponsor the show, I mean, what else

can you ask for?

Anyway, I'm going to show you the pilot and then their commercial.

Yes, it's a real stinker.

I'll leave that shit.

What if the guy doesn't flush the toilet?

Yeah, I bet it would just keep on going and going and going.

A tad slow, Audrey, but... Oh, but it's sensitive, M

.B. I mean, it is basically a woman's piece, but... Oh, but a sensitive man

can surely see its worth.

Well, a more sensitive man never walked this earth, honey.

But I'd still like to see somebody come in that broad space, huh?

So, uh, let's put some tunnel shots in it, huh?

Cut.

How about it, old man?

Meta? You can stick it.

Next. And this time, let's have a good idea.

Oh, Chief.

I was hoping to hear from somebody to cheer me up, for God's sakes. Okay,

Chief. I know. You see me, hairy legs, and you think of failure.

Dismal failure, you putz. Your attempts to counter days of our lives haven't

gotten us more than a three -share in that time slot. Oh, okay, okay. I hear

you. But that was last week. But this week, we put together a... We had a

brainstorm, and we put together a sample, and I think you're going to...

Cream your jeans for it. I really and truly, honest to God, do. Okay, okay,

legs. Let's see what you've come up with.

We call it the young and the horny.

This is the house where my husband and I are going to stay when we get big.

And that's our little dog house, and this is where Baby's going to live.

That little shack may be okay for you, but I've got bigger plans.

This is my castle, and this is the bridge where my prince is going to come

stay. We're going to live happily ever after.

That's better than living in a dump in the valley.

Wouldn't you like some prince to come save you, Rita?

My prince has already come.

Rita, what's that big dirty thing?

That's not a home. That's a... It's a big cock.

And you'll never guess what happened to me yesterday.

Was it nasty?

Oh, was it ever.

Did you get to do it with a boy?

You bet I did.

Oh, Rita, tell us about it.

Okay, but you can't tell anyone.

Because if you do, I get in such trouble.

Well, you see, the salesman came over yesterday after I got home from school.

And he was selling some gifts.

Uh, hi.

Is your mother home, miss?

Uh -uh. She's at her bridge club.

I see.

Well, I guess I'll come back later. Do you know when she'll be home?

Not for quite a while. What do you got?

I got some gifts and things, you know. Do you think she might like to buy some

gifts for her friends?

Gee, I don't know.

Why don't you come in and show me what you have?

Well, okay.

So what's your name?

Bobby. Mine's Rita.

Hi, Rita.

Well, Bobby, what have you got you want to show me?

Well, okay.

We have here some very nice samples.

These rollers, for instance, are... Can I try one?

Well, only if you're going to buy them.

Ooh, I like that.

What, this?

Do you think your mom might like it?

Well, I was thinking it would be nice to shave all this icky hair off.

Well, I'm sure it would be, but what would your mom and dad say?

What I do with my pussy is my own affair, right?

Right.

Don't you think I have a cute pussy?

Well, yeah, but these things just don't happen.

You don't have to be so nervous, Bobby.

My parents won't be home for hours.

So let's just see how good this thing shaves. If it does a good job, then

I'll buy it.

Okay.

Here, you have to shave it so I don't hurt myself.

Size of salesman should do the first demonstration, right?

Customer's always right, I guess.

Will you give me a hand?

You bet.

Don't worry, I'll be real careful.

You should have seen this guy as he shaved me bare.

His eyes lit up and he was so hot his cock was going to tear through his

Here you go, Bobby.

Will you put some olive oil on so I don't break out in a nasty rash, would

huh? Sure.

You know Rita, you have such a nice pussy.

You should keep it shaved all the time so it's never covered.

It feels so nice when you play with it mister.

That feels so nice once you put your tongue on it and suck it too.

Okay.

He sucked so good on my little thing that I wanted to scream.

I felt so tingly inside, so I reached down and started to play with this hard

cot. Then I just couldn't help myself. I pulled it out and stuck it deep inside

me.

I love the way it's caught and put so easily in and out.

Oh, I'm going to cum.

I'm going to cum.

Oh, I'm going to cum.

Oh, please, no. I don't want to get pregnant. Just let me. I'll let you do

my mouth, okay?

Okay, okay.

You know what, lady?

That's the best sales demonstration I've ever done in my whole life.

That was the best youth -oriented product I've had this month, too.

We said goodbye real fast, but he said he'd come back when my mom isn't home.

Oh, man, that sounds nasty.

What did his thing taste like?

Well, it was warm and a little salty, but I liked it.

Oh, I wish something like that could happen to me.

Well, heck, I have his number.

Well, do you think he'd want to? After all, we're just 13 -year -old virgins.

Hey, it's his job.

It tells him, God knows, territory, right?

Will Rita, Robin, and Jackie fuck Bob?

Will Rita's mother find out and tell Jackie's dad?

Is Robin really a virgin?

Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling installment of The Young and the Horny.

I think that's the most inspiring piece of goddamn work I've ever seen. If

anybody can look at that stuff like that and then...

Call American TV a great wasteland. Well, I don't know my cock from a pole

the ground.

What do you think, gang?

Gang?

Is anybody listening out there?

Oh, hell.

Allegrious places with this man.

Or woman.