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announcer: VARSITY THEATER, WOULD YOU PLEASE WELCOME

JOSH BLUE!

[cheers and applause]

Josh Blue: HEY!

ALL RIGHT.

SO LOOK, I WANT TO TELL YOU GUYS SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF

THAT I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME.

I WASN'T BORN HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.

I WAS ACTUALLY BORN IN CAMEROON, WEST AFRICA.

YEAH, MY DAD WAS OVER THERE, TEACHING ENGLISH,

AND MY MOM WAS THERE, TOO.

I GUESS THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS, YOU KNOW.

APPARENTLY A LOT BETTER THAN ME TRYING TO DO THAT SHIT, HUH?

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

I DON'T THINK MY PARENTS WERE NECESSARILY EXPECTING ME.

ANYWAY, I JUST DON'T THINK THEY WERE PLANNING ON

GIVING BIRTH, YOU KNOW, IN AFRICA.

WHAT'D THEY THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?

YOU KNOW, AFRICA'S NOT REALLY KNOWN

FOR ITS MEDICAL FACILITIES-- TODAY.

BUT 32 YEARS AGO?

FUCKING BUCKLE UP!

[applause]

THEY DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS, YOU KNOW.

"OH, THE BABY'S COMING! GET THE SHOVEL!"

[laughter]

OBVIOUSLY, WHEN I WAS BORN, THERE WERE SOME COMPLICATIONS.

AND, UH, WHEN I CAME OUT...

I WAS A COMEDIAN.

[laughter, applause]

YOU GUYS DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS GOING TO SAY, DID YOU?

I COULD HEAR ALL YOUR ASSHOLES CLOSE AT ONCE.

[laughter]

"HMM. THIS IS AWKWARD AND UNCOMFORTABLE. HMM.

[laughter]

COMEDIAN, OH, THANK GOD. OKAY."

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU THOUGH, I'M GLAD I WAS BORN IN AFRICA

BECAUSE I GOT TO LEARN A LOT OF STUFF ABOUT THE WORLD.

I GOT TO REALIZE

THAT JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A PHYSICAL DISABILITY

DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T HAVE

A BUNCH OF OTHER SPECTACULAR THINGS IN MY LIFE.

[applause]

LIKE FOOD...

SHOES.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S REALLY EVEN COOLER THAN THAT, THOUGH,

IS WHAT I REALIZED IS THAT NOW THAT I LIVE HERE IN THE U.S.,

AND I WAS BORN IN AFRICA,

TECHNICALLY THAT MAKES ME AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

[applause] [laughter]

SHIT.

[laughter]

I'M GOING TO BE PRESIDENT.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, IT'S AWESOME

BEING AFRICAN-AMERICAN--

ESPECIALLY A WHITE ONE.

[laughter]

I AM PRETTY SURE THAT HAS MADE IT

QUITE A BIT EASIER ON ME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I DON'T GET PULLED OVER FOR NO REASON.

BUT WHEN I DO, I HAVE LOTS OF FUN WITH IT.

"YOU KNOW WHY I PULLED YOU OVER?"

"YEAH, BECAUSE I'M AFRICAN-AMERICAN."

"NO, THAT'S NOT WHY. NO.

YOU'RE DRIVING ON THE SIDEWALK."

"TOUCHE."

MEANWHILE, THIS ARM'S RUMMAGING IN THE GLOVE BOX AND--

"I AM NOT AFFILIATED WITH HIM."

I DON'T REALLY DRIVE.

YOU GUYS SHOULD ALL BE GLAD FOR THAT.

I TRY TO TAKE CABS.

THE KEY WORD IS TRY, BECAUSE I CAN ASSURE YOU

THAT I'VE HAD PLENTY OF CAB DRIVERS

JUST PULL AWAY FROM ME LIKE, "UN-UH..."

WHAT'S HE GOING TO PAY WITH, STICKY CHANGE?"

"YEAH, CAN YOU HELP ME GET IT OUT OF MY POCKET?"

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS,

BEING PHYSICALLY DISABLED AND AFRICAN-AMERICAN?

SHIT.

LET'S JUST SAY I LOOK GOOD ON PAPER.

ACTUALLY, WHAT'S REALLY HAPPENING UP HERE

IS THIS ARM ACTS LIKE SOME TYPE OF ANTENNA--

AND I AM PICKING UP A SIGNAL FROM WHO THE FUCK KNOWS.

BECAUSE FRANKLY, YOU'RE LUCKY

I'M EVEN FACING THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

AW, MAN, I HATE WHEN IT MAKES ME SAY THAT.

LOOK, I'M AWARE THAT I LOOK HOMELESS.

I JUST LOOK DIRTY. I KNOW.

I TOOK TWO SHOWERS TODAY,

AND I STILL FUCKING LOOK LIKE THIS!

WHO WANTS TO GIVE ME A BATH?

[several women whooping]

OH, THAT'S QUITE A FEW TAKERS. ALL RIGHT.

IT'LL TAKE ALL OF YOU, I GUARANTEE THAT.

IT'S WEIRD WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE THIS.

LIKE, PEOPLE COME UP TO ME ON THE STREET, LIKE,

"MAN, LOOKS LIKE YOU NEED SOME SOUP."

LIKE THEY THINK BEEF AND BARLEY IS GOING TO FIX THIS?

[laughter]

HEY, DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY CHANGE?

I'M FOR REAL, THOUGH.

JUST PASS THAT SHIT FORWARD.

DON'T THROW IT.

WELL, UNLESS THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET IT UP HERE.

GO AHEAD.

I DON'T GO ON UNTIL I GET SOME FUCKING CHANGE, HUH?

[applause] [laughter]

OH.

OH, YOU COULD HAVE HANDED IT TO ME.

I SAID CHANGE, ASSHOLE!

THIS'LL JUST BE A MINUTE.

TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES.

HEY, YOU'RE GETTING FUCKING CLOSE HERE.

OH, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THESE ARE MUCH EASIER TO PICK UP.

YOU GUYS JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF ANOTHER FOUR MINUTES.

[applause]

OKAY, SO CAN I TELL YOU GUYS

ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE?

AND DON'T WORRY. IT'S NOT JESUS.

YOU GET THAT ON THE STREET EVER, SOMEBODY GOING LIKE,

"CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON

IN MY LIFE?" LIKE, UH-UH.

I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.

YEAH, I THINK I HEAR THE LORD'S WORK

CALLING YOU OVER THERE."

WOW, SOME OF YOU GUYS NEED TO LOOSEN A NOTCH

IN YOUR BIBLE BELTS.

NO, THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE IS MY WIFE.

[cheers and applause]

SHE TOLD ME TO SAY THAT.

I'M JUST TRYING NOT TO CATCH AN ASS WHIPPING AT HOME.

THAT'S ALL A BROTHER CAN DO.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, MY WIFE IS AMAZING.

SHE'S HERE TONIGHT.

HOW ABOUT A ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR HER, HUH?

[cheers and applause]

SHE'S PROBABLY HIDING BY NOW, I BET.

SHE'S AWESOME, MAN.

SHE'S ACTUALLY JAPANESE, AND I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

I THINK IT'S PROBABLY A GOOD THING FOR BOTH OF US

THAT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT I SAY.

RIGHT, HONEY?

YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH ME

FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES NOW.

BUT I'M LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.

I CAN SEE WHERE THAT WOULD GET ANNOYING.

LIKE, "HEY, HONEY, WOOOOO!"

SHE'S LIKE, "FUCK OFF, JOSH!"

"YOU'RE LEARNING GOOD ENGLISH, HONEY.

GOOD JOB."

SHE'S AWESOME, MAN. IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH.

WHEN YOU MARRY SOMEONE FROM ASIA,

PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK YOU THIS.

"OH, YOU GOT AN ASIAN WIFE, HUH, JOSH?

WHAT, DO YOU GOT AN ASIAN FETISH?"

I'M LIKE, "WELL, I GUESS SO.

BUT WHAT KIND OF WEIRD FETISH DOES SHE HAVE?"

[laughter]

SHIT.

I'LL TELL YOU,

SOMETIMES WE GET IN ARGUMENTS. YOU KNOW, EVERY COUPLE DOES.

ANYWAYS, SOMETIMES WE ARGUE AND IT'S LIKE--

SHE'S LIKE, "YOU DON'T EVEN CARE.

YOU DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME."

I'M LIKE, "WELL, HONEY, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

IT'S JUST I DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."

HEY, LOOK, SORRY, HONEY.

I FOLDED THE TOWELS WRONG AGAIN. OKAY.

I'M NOT A FOLDER.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE REALLY PISSED WHEN YOU SEE THE SHEETS.

HERE'S HOW I FOLD, LIKE--

DONE. I'M DONE.

BY THE WAY, I'M PRETTY SURE FOUR MINUTES IS UP.

[laughter]

[applause]

MOVE TO THE-- OH!

SIR, I CAN'T FUCKING SEE THEM COMING!

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW

HOW I MET MY WIFE.

IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY FUNNY...

NOW.

I ACTUALLY, UH, I ACTUALLY MET HER ONLINE.

I SAID THAT WRONG, SORRY.

I GOT HER ONLINE.

AND LOOK, BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME--

BECAUSE LOOK, I CAN FEEL YOU JUDGING ME OUT THERE--

I THINK YOU GUYS SHOULD KNOW

THAT I THOUGHT THAT I WAS BIDDING ON AN ORIENTAL RUG.

STUPID EBAY.

SURE ENOUGH, 18 SHIPPING DAYS LATER...

WELL, THAT'S A WEIRD BOX FOR A RUG...

WITH LIKE, BREATHE HOLES AND FAINT MUMBLING INSIDE.

SHE WAS READY TO COME OUT, MAN.

I WAS LIKE, "OH, YOU MUST BE THE RUG MAKER.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU BUILT THEM IN-HOME."

ANYWAY, SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME REAL CRAZY--

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE YOU WOULD.

YOU'VE BEEN IN A BOX FOR 18 DAYS.

I'M WHAT OPENS IT? COME ON.

SO SHE JUST LOOKED AT ME UP AND DOWN,

THEN SHE LIKE LOOKS AROUND REAL FAST,

AND SHE LOOKS AT ME AGAIN AND SHE GOES,

"YOU TAKE SHOES OFF. THIS IS ASIAN HOUSE NOW."

[cheers and applause]

I WAS LIKE, "YOU'RE ONLY HALFWAY OUT THE FUCKING BOX."

I WAS LIKE, "LOOK, I KNOW WE JUST MET,

"BUT YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK ME

TO PUT THESE ON TODAY."

[laughter]

"WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COMPROMISE HERE."

THAT'S WHAT WE DID,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT MARRIAGE IS ABOUT, RIGHT?

COMPROMISING.

I'LL TELL YOU HOW COMPROMISE WORKS.

HERE'S HOW WE DID IT WITH THE SHOES.

SO NOW I TAKE MY SHOES OFF IN THE HOUSE.

AND THAT'S IT.

[laughter]

IT'S JUST FUCKING EASIER THAT WAY.

SHE IS AWESOME, THOUGH.

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS, I DID KEEP THE BOX.

[laughter]

ACTUALLY, I HAVE SOME REALLY EXCITING NEWS FOR YOU GUYS.

WE JUST HAD OUR SECOND CHILD NOT TOO LONG AGO.

[applause]

THANK YOU.

YEAH, WE JUST HAD A LITTLE BABY GIRL, MAN.

I THINK WE'RE GOING TO KEEP HER.

SHE'S SO CUTE.

SHE'S FIVE MONTHS OLD,

AND SHE IS JUST A LITTLE FAT ASS.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A HAM.

AND WHO DOESN'T LOVE HAM, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH. JEWS AND MUSLIMS.

WHICH BY THE WAY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT

THAT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD, RIGHT?

LIKE TWO RELIGIONS THAT HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH,

YET, THEY BOTH HATE HAM.

I'M LIKE, "COME ON, GUYS.

LET'S COME TOGETHER ON YOUR HATRED FOR HAM."

IT'S A BUILDING BLOCK.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

SO LOOK, I GOT TO TELL YOU,

IN ADDITION TO OUR PRETTY LITTLE HAM BABY--

WE ALSO HAVE A THREE-YEAR-OLD BOY.

NAH, NAH.

YOU GOT SOME ROOM FOR HIM, PEOPLE?

ANYBODY WANT HIM?

HE'S IN THE CAR.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO LEAVE HIM THERE EITHER.

HE JUST WOULDN'T FUCKING GET OUT.

DON'T WORRY, HE'S FINE.

THE DOG'S WATCHING HIM.

I GOT TO TELL YOU, WHEN I FIRST HAD THAT KID,

YOU KNOW, THEY GAVE HIM TO ME,

AND IT'S LIKE MY FIRSTBORN SON, YOU KNOW,

AND I'M SO NERVOUS THAT I WAS GOING TO LIKE,

ACCIDENTALLY SHAKE HIM.

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS, NOW THAT HE'S THREE,

I'M WORRIED THAT I'M GOING TO DO IT ON PURPOSE.

[applause]

BECAUSE LIKE, I GOT TO TELL YOU, MAN,

HE'S REALLY FUNNY, AND HE'S SMART AND HE'S CUTE,

BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS, HE IS ALSO A DICK.

AND HE KNOWS IT, TOO.

LIKE HE HAS THIS LITTLE SMILE HE DOES, LIKE,

"I KNOW I'M BEING A DICK," SMILE.

AND IT JUST BOTHERS ME ESPECIALLY,

BECAUSE I'M SURE I GET THAT SAME SMILE

WHEN I'M BEING DICKISH.

LIKE, I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE

OF WHAT HE DOES TO ME ALL THE TIME.

HE DOESN'T CALL ME DAD OR DADDY.

LIKE, HE KNOWS THOSE WORDS.

BUT HE CHOOSES TO CALL ME "JOSH BLUE".

ALL THE TIME.

AND HE DOES IT WITH THAT LITTLE SMILE,

YOU KNOW, LIKE, "I KNOW THIS BOTHERS YOU...

JOSH BLUE."

AND LIKE, I GUESS I GET WHY HE DOES IT, YOU KNOW.

LIKE PEOPLE ON THE STREET COME UP LIKE,

"HEY, JOSH BLUE!" YOU KNOW?

NOBODY EVER COMES UP AND SAYS, "HEY, DADDY!"

AT LEAST HE SHOULDN'T HEAR THAT.

YOU GUYS KNOW ABOUT BABY-PROOFING YOUR HOME?

WE WERE UNAWARE OF THAT TOO.

YOU KNOW ABOUT LIKE PUTTING GATES ON THE STAIRS.

YOU KNOW HOW YOU PUT A GATE AT THE BOTTOM?

DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU ALSO NEED ONE AT THE TOP?

JUST SOMETHING I PICKED UP ALONG THE WAY.

JUST KICKING DOWN SOME KNOWLEDGE.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE AT THE TOP,

THE ONE AT THE BOTTOM JUST ACTS LIKE A STRAINER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY COOL, THOUGH,

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A GATE AT THE BOTTOM

AND A GATE AT THE TOP.

WE JUST KEEP HIM ON THE STAIRS.

YOU KNOW, I GOT TO TELL YOU THIS.

PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO KNOW IF MY SON HAS CEREBRAL PALSY.

I GUESS THAT'S A FAIR QUESTION...

IF YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT.

NOT CONTAGIOUS.

I'M SURE I'M PUTTING A LOT OF YOU AT EASE RIGHT NOW.

ANYWAY, WHAT I GOT TO TELL YOU

IS HE DOESN'T HAVE CEREBRAL PALSY, BUT...

[singsong] MONKEY SEE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE FOLLOWS ME AROUND MOCKING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

JOSH BLUE.

JUST DON'T DO THAT IN PUBLIC, OKAY?

YOU'RE GOING TO GET YOURSELF CAUGHT UP

IN SOME SPECIAL ED CLASSES.

JUST LIKE YOUR OLD MAN, HUH?

BUT I HAVE BEEN ENCOURAGING HIM TO DO THAT,

WALK AROUND LIKE THAT, BECAUSE HIS MOM'S JAPANESE

AND I'M A WHITE AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

IF HE HAS PALSY TOO,

I CAN STOP SAVING FOR COLLEGE, FOR SURE.

SHIT.

I LIKE BEING A DAD, THOUGH. IT'S FUN.

I LIKE IT BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A MAN,

LIKE A MANLY MAN, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I'M WALKING AROUND WITH MY PROOF OF NOT-A-VIRGIN.

[laughter]

YEAH, LOOK WHAT I DID, HUH?

I'M TWO-FOR-TWO, BABY, WHAT?

NO, BUT WHAT I'VE FOUND

IS IF I EVER TAKE MY KIDS OUT BY MYSELF,

LIKE FOR A WALK,

WE GOT ONE OF THOSE DOUBLE STROLLERS.

SO WE PUT THEM IN THERE, YOU KNOW,

AND IF I'M EVER WALKING THEM AROUND BY MYSELF,

IT'S ALWAYS GUARANTEED THAT IF SOMEBODY WALKS PAST US,

THEY ALWAYS LOOK INTO THE STROLLER

LIKE THEY'RE EXPECTING TO SEE A BUCKET OF DOOR KNOBS.

I GOT TO TELL YOU THOUGH, THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES

WHEN THEY SEE LITTLE ASIAN BABIES, LIKE--

"OH, MY GOD, THAT HOMELESS GUY GOT SOME BABIES!

WAS THAT A HAM?"

AND MY SON'S LIKE, "JOSH BLUE!"

WE'D MAKE A LOT OF CHANGE ON THAT WALK--

ALL THE SOUP WE CAN HANDLE.

OH, MAN.

SO I TOOK MY SON TO THE 7-ELEVEN

TO GET HIM A POPSICLE...

AND I GOT ONE TOO,

BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING DELICIOUS.

AND WE HAD EXTRA CHANGE FROM THE WALK OVER.

ANYWAY, WHEN I CAME OUT OF THE 7-ELEVEN,

THERE WAS THIS LIKE GANGSTER.

YEAH, AND I'M TALKING A THUG, NOT A MAFIA.

ANYWAY, THIS DUDE WAS JUST LIKE

LEANING UP AGAINST THE 7-ELEVEN,

JUST LOOKING PRETTY MEAN.

HE LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE

THAT YOU WOULDN'T REALLY WANT TO TALK TO.

SO THAT'S WHAT I DID.

I WALKED RIGHT UP TO HIM AND GO, "COULD YOU OPEN MY POPSICLE?"

IT TOOK HIM RIGHT OUT OF HIS COMFORT ZONE.

HE DID IT, THOUGH. HE DID IT.

AND I CAN ASSURE YOU IT'S HARD TO LOOK HARD

WHEN YOU'RE OPENING A POPSICLE.

THAT'S RIGHT, PALSY, BREAKING DOWN BARRIERS--

[cheers and applause]

AND PUTTING UP NEW ONES.

I KNOW, I JUST FEEL LUCKY, YOU KNOW?

THE WORLD GAVE ME LEMONADE, AND I DRANK THAT SHIT, SO--

WELL, OFF THE TABLE, BECAUSE I SPILLED IT.

YOU GUYS EVER HEARD THAT SAYING, "LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE"?

THAT'S SOME BULLSHIT, HUH?

I MEAN, SHOULDN'T I BE BETTER BY NOW?

YEAH, LAUGH AND CLAP ALL YOU WANT.

YOU AIN'T DOING SHIT.

CHECK THIS OUT.

MY WIFE JUST RECENTLY WENT BACK TO JAPAN.

WHEN SHE WAS THERE, SHE GOT TO GO TO CHINA.

NO, THAT IS FUNNY, HUH?

WAIT UNTIL I GET TO THE PART, PLEASE.

ANYWAY, WHEN SHE CAME BACK FROM CHINA,

SHE BROUGHT ME A GIFT FROM OVER THERE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "WELL, HONEY, THAT WAS REALLY SWEET OF YOU.

BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,

I ALREADY HAVE A LOT OF SHIT FROM CHINA."

I WAS LIKE, "EVERYTHING WE OWN IS FROM CHINA,

EVEN THAT SHIT YOU BROUGHT BACK FROM JAPAN IS FROM CHINA."

LIKE, "NEXT TIME, WHY DON'T YOU BRING ME

SOMETHING FROM DETROIT?"

THAT'D BE A LITTLE MORE NOVEL, YOU KNOW.

I GOT TO GO TO JAPAN THREE TIMES NOW.

I ACTUALLY GOT MARRIED OVER THERE.

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULD CLAP FOR THAT, BUT...

WE GOT MARRIED ON DECEMBER 7TH.

[laughter]

WHICH, FOR YOU NON-HISTORIANS, IS PEARL HARBOR DAY.

AND I SWEAR, I DID NOT COME UP WITH THAT.

IT WAS MY WIFE'S PLAN, AND SHE WAS PLANNING IT,

AND SHE CAME TO ME AND WAS LIKE,

"IS THIS DATE OKAY WITH YOU?"

AND I WAS LIKE-- [snickers]

"PERFECT, HONEY.

THIS WAY, I'LL NEVER FORGET."

I TRAVEL A LOT, YOU KNOW?

SO I LIKE TO COME HOME TO A HOME-COOKED MEAL, RIGHT?

IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT WHEN YOU MARRY SOMEONE

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET,

BECAUSE HOME-COOKED IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, LIKE 98% OF THE THINGS

YOU MAKE, HONEY, ARE SPECTACULAR.

BUT I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, BABE, MINNOW NIGHT HAS TO GO.

LIKE WHERE DO YOU EVEN GET THAT SHIT?

LIKE, ARE YOU SHOPPING AT THE BAIT STORE?

THE BEST IS WHEN I TAKE HER TO LIKE A TROPICAL FISH STORE.

SHE WALKS AROUND LIKE, "OOH, HONEY, LET'S GET THAT ONE."

I'M LIKE, "WHY?

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO EAT IT IN THE CAR.

"I SAW YOU PUT THE SOY SAUCE IN YOUR PURSE."

SHE LOVES IT.

I WAS LIKE, "THAT WAS A $80 EEL."

SOMETIMES WHEN I GO AWAY FOR A LONG TRIP OR SOMETHING,

BEFORE I GO HOME,

I'LL STOP BY THE FISH TANK STORE,

JUST TO PICK HER UP A TREAT, YOU KNOW.

DADDY'S HOME.

SHE JUST LIGHTS UP.

SHE LOVES THEM.

I KNOW WHAT MY WOMAN WANTS, ALL RIGHT?

AND I GIVE IT TO HER IN THE FORM OF LIVE TROPICAL FISH.

ANYWAY, YOU GUYS ARE ALL INVITED TO MINNOW TUESDAY AT OUR PLACE.

[cheers and applause]

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU WHY I DO THIS,

WELL, BESIDES THE ARM MAKES ME DO IT, BUT--

THE REASON WHY I DO THIS

IS BECAUSE I AM A RANDOM SHIT MAGNET.

LIKE THE MOST RANDOM GOD DAMNED THINGS HAPPEN TO ME.

SO TODAY I WENT TO THE STARBUCKS.

WHEN I GOT TO THE COUNTER,

THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER TOOK ONE LOOK AT ME,

AND THEN SHE GRABBED BOTH OF HER TIP JARS--

I WAS LIKE, "YOU RACIST!"

IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT. I'LL SHOW HER."

SO I PAID WITH LIKE A $100 BILL.

THEN SHE GAVE ME MY CHANGE BACK.

I WAS LIKE, "AW, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A BIG TIP,

BUT...THERE'S NO TIP JARS."

I GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT ELSE HAPPENED TO ME TODAY.

SO I WENT TO THE MALL OF AMERICA.

[whooping]

SO YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.

ANYWAY, I WAS THERE,

AND THERE JUST HAPPENED TO BE ANOTHER GUY WITH CEREBRAL PALSY

WALKING AROUND IN THE MALL.

AND LIKE NORMALLY THERE SHOULD BE NOTHING WRONG

WITH THAT SCENARIO,

BUT APPARENTLY NOT IN THE MALL OF AMERICA.

BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED WAS ME AND THIS GUY

WERE HEADING IN THE SAME DIRECTION...

AT ABOUT THE SAME SPEED...

BUT HE WAS LIKE 30 PACES IN FRONT OF ME, RIGHT?

BUT WE WALKED LIKE THIS PAST A BUNCH OF STORES

AND RESTAURANTS.

AND THEN PEOPLE STARTED RUNNING UP TO ME AND GOING,

"YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE FOR MAKING FUN OF THAT GUY!"

I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A CHIMICHANGA!

THE FUNNY PART, TOO, IS I REMEMBER I SAW THE DUDE

WALKING IN FRONT OF ME, AND I WAS LIKE,

"IS THAT GUY MAKING FUN OF ME?

I'M GOING TO KICK HIS ASS...

IF I COULD EVER CATCH UP TO HIM.

HE'S ON HIS HOP-ALONG."

I FOLLOWED HIM.

I'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE TO DO, RIGHT?

I SAW HE WENT INTO A STORE, SO WHAT I DID IS

I JUST WAITED OUTSIDE FOR HIM.

THAT WAY, ON THE WAY BACK, I GOT TO BE IN FRONT.

[laughter]

YEAH, LET HIM DEAL WITH THAT SHIT FOR A WHILE.

PAYBACK'S A BITCH.

I WAS EVEN EGGING PEOPLE ON LIKE,

"HEY, THAT GUY'S MAKING FUN OF ME."

I WANT TO TELL YOU,

THERE'S SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND

ABOUT OLD PRESIDENT OBAMA.

YOU KNOW, PEOPLE KEEP SAYING HOW INSPIRATIONAL IT IS

THAT HE BECAME OUR PRESIDENT.

AND OKAY, YES, AS AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN,

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY.

THE PART I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS PEOPLE GO,

"HEY, NOW THAT OBAMA BECAME THE PRESIDENT,

"IT PROVES THAT IT'S NOW POSSIBLE FOR ANYONE

TO NOW BECOME OUR PRESIDENT."

I'M LIKE, "WELL, THAT'S RIDICULOUS,

"BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY CONVINCED OF THAT

WITH THE LAST PRESIDENT."

WE COULD HAVE ELECTED A RHINOCEROS--

A BLACK ONE EVEN--

AND THEY ARE VERY RARE.

I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU ALL,

A LOT OF TIMES, WHEN YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL DISABILITY,

A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE WILL ALSO ASSUME

THAT YOU'RE MENTALLY DISABLED,

BUT I THINK THAT I COULD PROBABLY SPEAK

FOR EVERY PHYSICALLY DISABLED PERSON OUT THERE.

WELL, THAT'S REALLY ANNOYING.

[applause]

YEAH, BUT IT CAN ALSO BE A LOT OF FUCKING FUN.

BECAUSE I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, HERE'S HOW I LOOK AT IT, RIGHT?

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE ALLOWED TO ASSUME

BECAUSE OF THE WAY I WALK OR THE WAY I MOVE

THAT I'M ALSO MENTALLY DISABLED,

THEN I SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO ACT RETARDED.

YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU, I'M A JOY AT THE AIRPORT.

I WILL SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF A TSA WORKER...

AND THEY FUCKING DESERVE IT.

[applause]

TAKE MY LOTION, MOTHERFUCKER!

NOW I'M GOING TO GET ALL ASHY.

I'LL LET YOU ALL CRACKERS MARINATE ON THAT FOR A MINUTE.

[laughter] [applause]

YOU KNOW HOW AT THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT

THERE'S THREE DIFFERENT LINES THAT GO UP THERE?

THERE'S A COACH LINE,

AND THEN NEXT TO THAT IS THE FIRST CLASS LINE,

AND THEN NEXT TO THAT IS THE HANDICAPPED LINE?

THAT'S THE ONE YOU WANT TO TRY TO GET INTO.

BECAUSE NOTHING BEATS THE HANDICAPPED LINE.

AND I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS, I TAKE MORE JOY IN WALKING BY

A LONG LINE OF FIRST CLASS PEOPLE

AND JUST GOING...

"BYE-BYE."

WELL, ALL THEIR MILES CAN'T BUY PALSY, HUH?

I CAN HEAR THEIR ASSHOLES CLOSE AS I WALK BY THEM.

THERE'S ONE OF THEM NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO WHEN I GET TO THE PART

WHERE THEY CHECK YOUR I.D.?

WHAT I DO IS I PUT IT IN THIS HAND.

AH!

[laughter]

TWO FOR FLINCHING.

THEY ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THAT.

LIKE, "THIS IS NOT IN TRAINING AT ALL.

THIS IS WAY SCARIER THAN AL QAEDA."

SHEE-ITE.

LOOK, I KNOW UNFORTUNATELY, YOU KNOW,

YOU GOT TO LOOK FOR TERRORISTS AT THE AIRPORT,

BUT I WISH THEY COULD COME UP WITH A SYSTEM, YOU KNOW,

WHERE THEY COULD LOOK AT A PERSON LIKE ME AND GO,

"YEAH, HE'S NOT THE GUY."

I WOULD BE A TERRIBLE BOMB-MAKER, MAN.

EVEN IF I WAS ABLE TO MAKE IT,

I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO CARRY IT ANYWHERE.

AND BESIDES, I LOVE HAM.

I CAME UP WITH AN IDEA

HOW TO SPEED UP THE SECURITY CHECKPOINT.

INSTEAD OF CHECKING I.D.s AND TAKING ALL THAT STUFF OFF,

YOU KNOW, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS EAT A PIECE OF HAM.

THAT WOULD SURE SPEED THINGS UP, WOULDN'T IT?

WELL, NO HAM, NO FLY.

THINK OF HOW EXCITED YOU HAM-LOVERS WOULD BE,

LIKE, "YOU MEAN, IF I GO ON THIS LINE,

I GET SOME HAM? ALL RIGHT!"

MY FAVORITE THING TO DO IS LIKE, WHEN THEY'RE LIKE,

"OKAY, NOW YOU HAVE TO TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES."

AH!

YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY LUCKY SHOES!

OH!

NOW, IF YOU DO THAT LONG ENOUGH,

THEY DO NOT TAKE YOUR LUCKY SHOES.

USUALLY BY THE END, THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO

POKE ME THROUGH WITH A BROOM STICK, LIKE--

"GET HIM OUT OF HERE!"

"WHO'S IN CHARGE OF THIS FUCKING GUY?"

[laughter]

YEAH, MEANWHILE, I GOT 20 POUNDS OF WEED ON ME.

THAT'S RIGHT. JUST PUSH ME ON THROUGH.

OH, NO. I JUST THOUGHT OF THIS, THOUGH.

THAT AIRPORT JOKE'S PRETTY FUNNY,

BUT, UNTIL I TRY TO LEAVE HERE MONDAY--

BECAUSE I KNOW ONE OF YOU WEASEL LITTLE BITCHES

IS IN HERE.

I CAN SMELL MY LOTION.

THANK YOU.

JUST PICTURE IT--

MONDAY MORNING, SOMEBODY WAITING FOR ME THERE,

"OH, HEY, JACK.

GET THE CAVITY DOGS."

YEAH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, I REALLY AM GLAD

THAT I'M ABLE TO DO THIS, YOU KNOW,

AND LAUGH AT MYSELF, BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE

A LOT OF US AREN'T ABLE TO LAUGH AT OURSELVES ENOUGH.

I THINK WE'D ALL BE HAPPIER PEOPLE

IF WE DIDN'T TAKE OURSELVES SO SERIOUSLY ALL THE TIME.

BECAUSE LIKE, I CAN ASSURE YOU, YOU ARE NOT ALL THAT, OKAY?

I'M JUST GLAD THAT I'M ABLE TO LAUGH AT MYSELF,

BECAUSE IF I WASN'T ABLE TO LAUGH AT MYSELF,

I WOULD HAVE SHOT SOMEONE BY NOW.

SURE, IT MIGHT HAVE TAKEN A FEW TRIES.

"YOU STAY THERE WHILE I RELOAD.

COULD YOU HELP ME?"

SO I DO FLY A LOT... ON PLANES.

JUST MAKING SURE.

SOMEBODY IS SITTING THERE LIKE,

"WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW PEOPLE WITH CEREBRAL PALSY COULD FLY.

"THAT'S NEAT.

"SEEMS FAIR.

"I GUESS IT IS TRUE, WHEN GOD TAKES SOMETHING AWAY,

HE GIVES SOMETHING BACK, HUH?"

ANYWAY, ON THIS PARTICULAR AIRPLANE RIDE,

FOR SOME REASON, I ENDED UP IN

THE VERY BACK ROW OF THE AIRPLANE,

WHICH, IN MY HUMBLE OPINION,

IS THE SMELLIEST PART OF THE AIRPLANE,

YOU KNOW, CONVENIENTLY LOCATED BY THE CRAPPER.

BUT I DID HAVE A WHOLE ROW OF SEATS TO MYSELF,

WHICH IS REALLY NICE, YOU KNOW.

IF YOU GOT TO SIT IN SHIT SMELL,

MIGHT AS WELL BE LOUNGING, RIGHT?

SO I WAS LIKE LOUNGING THERE WAITING,

AND THE STEWARDESS AND THE STEWARD--

JUST TRYING TO BE POLITICALLY CORRECT.

DON'T KNOW WHY I'D START SO LATE IN THE SHOW LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, THEY WERE MAKING THEIR WAY BACK TO ME

WITH THEIR LITTLE DRINK WAGON--

SO I ORDERED A DRINK FROM THIS GUY,

AND THEN I WAS LIKE, "OH, EXCUSE ME, MAN.

COULD I ALSO PLEASE HAVE A STRAW?

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE THAT'S JUST SAFER FOR EVERYBODY."

[laughter]

HE LOOKED AT ME AND GOES, "WHAT?"

"OH, SORRY, COULD I PLEASE HAVE A STRAW?"

HE GOES, "WHAT?"

I'M LIKE, "CAN I PLEASE HAVE A STRAW?"

AND THEN HE GOT MAD AND LIKE RAN OFF INTO THE BACK.

I WAS LIKE, "OKAY, WELL, THAT WAS A WEIRD INTERACTION,

YOU KNOW."

I DIDN'T THINK MY REQUEST WAS THAT DEMANDING.

YOU ARE A STEWARD.

NOW, I CAN'T REALLY HEAR WHAT HE'S SAYING IN THE BACK ROW,

BUT I CAN HEAR HIM, LIKE,

CHATTERING AWAY WITH THE OTHER STEWARDESS,

AND SHE MUST HAVE TOLD HIM THAT I WAS RETARDED OR SOMETHING,

BECAUSE ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE WAS LIKE, BAM!

RIGHT BACK IN MY LINE. HOLY SHIT, MAN!

ANYWAYS, IF THAT WASN'T SCARY ENOUGH

THAT HE JUST ACTUALLY SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME,

THEN HE GETS RIGHT IN MY FACE AND HE GOES,

[exaggerated slow talking] "WHEN WE GET TO THE AIRPORT,

DO YOU...NEED.... A WHEELCHAIR? "

I WAS LIKE, "OH, YEAH, MAN, I DO.

OBVIOUSLY YOU MISSED ME BELLY CRAWL BACK HERE."

I WAS LIKE, "OH, BUT HEY, MAN,

"BEFORE YOU ORDER ME UP THAT WHEELCHAIR,

COULD YOU GET ME A FUCKING STRAW?"

HEY. YEAH.

THIS HAS TO BE THE BEST MAKE-A-WISH EVER.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[singing] THIS WHEELCHAIR IN THE CORNER OF A SLANTED FLOOR

HANDICAPPED ACCESSIBLE, ALL THE WAY TO THE DOOR

SO SING ALONG, FROM A RANDOM HOUSE

WE'RE VERY PROUD OF OUR RANDOM HOUSE

THE OUT-OF-WORK STOVE IS A MANSION FOR MICE

WHO MIGHT BLOW A FUSE COOKING CORN DOGS

AND PIES

SO SING ALONG FROM A RANDOM HOUSE

WE'RE VERY PROUD OF OUR RANDOM HOUSE