Original subtitles

Thank you.

There you are.

A great picture. One of the worst I've ever seen.

Yeah, sensational.

I don't know when I've seen such lousy acting or more phony scenery.

Yeah, but the color was good though. Oh, the color, yeah.

From about here down to here on some of those girls.

Boy, you know, Bob, I bet you and I have seen every girly picture that's ever

been made.

It's hard to tell which was the worst.

Yeah. How about that science fiction epic where the guys take off for the

Mars and when they get there, they find all those girls with nothing on.

You'd have to go to Mars to find girls that ugly.

Say, you know, Bob,

I bet the guys who make those movies make millions.

Of what?

Dollars. Oh, those dollars.

And I'll bet there's some nice fringe benefits, too.

I'll bet there's girls falling all over themselves just to get in one of those

pictures. Yeah, the girls we saw tonight were falling all over themselves, all

right.

You know, Bob, I bet we can make a movie as good as that.

Or as bad.

I guess we could.

Hey, why don't we?

Well, for one reason, we don't have the money.

And for another reason, we don't know how to make a movie.

Oh, what can it cost?

We'll rent everything.

Including the girls?

Sure, you want to buy one?

For the other reason, nobody else in this business can make a good picture

either. You know, Al, I think you're serious.

Well, of course I'm serious.

We could do it.

Look, the posters are more important than the picture anyway. That's what

the people into the theaters.

You're in the advertising business.

You could design one of them.

Yeah, I guess I could.

But I'm not exactly familiar with that kind of advertising.

You know, I write soft -sell copy for yummy dog crunchies.

Yummy will keep your puppy's mummy from getting gummy.

Well, it's almost the same thing.

You can direct that picture.

What'll you be?

I'll be the makeup man.

I'll be the producer, and we'll split everything, of course.

Everything?

Everything.

Oh, yes, yes.

I'd like to know how much it costs to rent a camera per day.

Yes, that's right.

How much?

Hello?

Acme Talent Agency?

I want to hire some girls to be in a movie.

Well, it's a sort of a, you know, a movie.

Costumes? Oh, they won't need any costumes.

Hello?

Hello?

Yes, I'd like to know how much it costs for a color film.

How much?

How about black and white?

Yes, girls.

What do you mean, why do I want girls?

Everybody wants girls.

Well, you see, we're making a movie in it.

MGM? Who's that?

Maury's Grocery Market?

Hello?

Well, yes, you see, we only need the place for a weekend or two, and you say

it's absolutely private?

Uh -huh.

How much?

Is this Miss Cochon?

Well, look, Louie told me to call you.

He's the bartender over at the Golden Arm.

Yeah, Louie.

What?

Well, no.

I don't want to do that.

I just want to make movies of you.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello? But can we ticker just a little?

Hello?

Hello?

Here we go again.

How much?

Hello? How much? Hello?

Do you think it could be a bad connection?

to cost more money than we figured.

Yeah.

But how about girls?

That's why we went into this thing in the first place, remember?

Al, we got no girls.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

But there's always Audrey.

She's coming up to your office tomorrow to show you some pictures or something.

But I'm not going to be in my office tomorrow.

And who's Audrey?

Oh, she's a gal Harry told me about.

From what I understand, she'll do anything for money.

And she's not bashful either. So when she comes up, take a look at her. If she

looks all right, so hire her.

But I told you that... Mr. Robert Stevens isn't in the office.

He's with a client.

Yeah. I know how it is, sweetie.

I was up late with a client myself.

Well, is there any message?

Well, sweetie, he wants some pictures.

But I sold them all.

I mean, I ain't got any.

So you take a look and tell him for the best, okay?

Well, I guess it'll be all right.

Look at what?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mr. Crothers.

Yes, sir, we do.

Yes, sir, we have it all ready for you.

Oh, yes, sir.

All 20 pages.

Oh, Mr. Stevens did it all himself.

Well, he thinks you'll be very pleased with it, sir.

Oh, yes. Well, he'll be back in the office around four o 'clock.

Uh -huh.

Oh, I surely will tell him, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, indeed, Mr. Crutters. We'll have it over for you at four o

'clock. Oh, I'm sure you'll be pleased.

Yes.

Gee whiz, kid.

Say, that's good.

Miss Johnson, I'm really very grateful to you for the fact that you didn't tell

Mr. Carruthers about the young lady who came in this morning and asked for me.

Well, it did startle me, Mr. Stevens, but when I brought him back to the

reception desk, she was gone, and I thought it best not to say anything.

Mr. Stevens?

Yes, Miss Johnson?

Well, it's none of my business.

Yes, I know.

You would like to know what she was doing here, wouldn't you?

Well, it was sort of peculiar.

Well, Miss Johnson, I, um... That is, we, Al Harding and I,

are, um... Is it about that movie you're planning?

Movie? How did you know about that?

Well, I figured it from the notes on your desk.

But my best clue was when you handed me this layout for Yummy Dog Crunchies.

Did I do that?

You must have been daydreaming.

Miss Johnson, you didn't happen to... Oh, no, I didn't show it to Mr.

Mr. Stevens.

Yes, Miss Johnson?

I think you can do better than that girl.

I can?

Well, she did have big eyes.

But I... I think you could get a girl with more class.

You do?

It seems to me that a man like you could do much better,

especially for a movie.

And you might find that the very best girls are right under your eyes.

They are?

And it makes it so much easier when the girl really likes the producer.

Miss Johnson?

Francine? Yes, Mr. Stevens?

Could you... Would you be insulted if... Would I be in your movie?

Oh, Mr. Stevens, I'd love to.

It's the least I can do.

I wonder what the most she can do is.

Okay, guess where do you want it?

Miss, Audrey, you don't have to do that yet. The cameraman isn't here yet.

Well, you pay for a whole day, and I believe in giving a man his money's

Yeah, I can see that.

Al, where's the bra? I mean, where's the cameraman?

Well, he's not here yet.

Hey, who is this fellow Schmertz, anyway?

Oh, Schmertz? Oh, well, you know, when I was down buying film, I met him there,

and he said he'd been in the film business in Hollywood.

Well, I hope he's a good one, because we got a lot riding on this film.

You have a lot of writing?

Hey, wait a minute.

How many of you guys are there, anyway?

Well, there's Bob, and there's... Huh?

Mr. Stevens?

Why don't you let me show you the view over this way?

I'm sure you'll find the scenery much nicer.

Hey, Bob.

Bob, here comes Schmertz now.

I'm Schmertz.

Gesundheit.

Okay, everyone. Now that Schmertz is here, we can all get started.

Now we'll make the first take right over here.

It's all right. We shoot right here.

Look, Schmertz, I'm the director, and I say we shoot here.

Well, I'm the cameraman, and I say we shoot here. And I'm the producer, and I

say we shoot right there.

It's so nice over here. Why not shoot here?

Okay. Okay.

You look kind of dark. Where'd you get that makeup?

In the cabinet on the shelf on the left.

That wasn't makeup. That was soy sauce.

Soy sauce?

But it says S -O -Y.

Smear on yourself.

So what do we do?

Well, we got some. Let's shoot it.

You fellas understand sound, don't you?

First, we turn on the recorder.

And when the camera starts, you go like this.

Okay, I'll do it.

Right. Roll them.

Where'd you hear that?

Don't you roll something?

Isn't that the way it goes?

CB always said camera.

Camera? Right.

Okay, she's rolling.

Scene 81, take one.

Say,

Bob, come here a minute, will you?

You know, Schmertz thinks we ought to shoot the titles first.

Yeah, when I was working with Rock and Charlton, we always shot the titles

first.

Well, of course, if that's the way you do it with rock... Rock who?

Rachmaninoff, I think.

Oh.

All right, girls, right over here. Now we're going to shoot the titles.

Remember, we're running out of film, cast and crew. We're running out of

so we've got to make this in one take. Got it? Everybody cooperate.

Now, Monique, you come first. That's right.

After that, Francine, you're second.

And then now...

All right, dear. April, you're third.

And, honey, Audrey, you bring up the rear.

All right. Mr. Seaman. Yes, dear. I don't want my name in this, so I crossed

out. What is your name?

Latouche. Oh, dear.

Well, anyway, let's take it. Ready? Everybody, camera. All right, everybody.

Camera.

Poise, poise. Room.

We've got to do that over. We can't get fired. No, no, no. It was great.

That's the way Daryl always does them.

Don't worry about such unimportant things. Besides, we'll correct it with

editing later.

Well, if that's the way Daryl does it, Daryl who?

Daryl Schwartz, that's who.

All right, girls.

Now, today we're going to make the scenes that bring the people into the

theater. What are you going to make, popcorn?

Say, Bob, listen, Smirch says he's got a great idea for a shot.

Yeah? Well, we get this big boom, and I get all the way on the top of it, and I

slowly come down and take a shot of this girl.

Oh, yeah?

How much will this cost?

Cost? This is art.

Yeah, well, how much does he charge?

What a hard day shooting.

Well, unload the camera, Schmertz.

Not me.

As I was saying to Doris, Liz, and Carrie just the other day, whoever loads

camera should unload it. Well, that's you. Not me, baby.

Al loaded the camera this morning.

Me? I don't even know how to load a camera.

Wait a minute.

Let's not all get panicky, boys, but...

Let whoever loaded the camera this morning raise his hand.

No.

No.

Thank you.

All right, everybody over this way, please.

All right, girls.

Here's the plot line now.

Let's take a script so that everybody knows what he's doing. We'll all look

right at it.

Now, you, April.

April.

You and Francine. Now, you are fishing in the lake.

And it's very warm.

Warm? Are you kidding? It's the middle of October and it's freezing.

Well, they'll never notice.

Now, anyway, it's very warm. So you decide to take off your clothes.

And you're going to enjoy yourself in the sun.

Oh, Mr. Stevens, you are so clever.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Anyway, you're fishing.

And you're not paying any attention to where you're going.

And you come inside of this house, see?

And, uh, now, Monique and Audrey, you live in this house.

I never lived in a house yet.

I'm a freelancer.

Not that kind of a house, Audrey.

Why don't we let Mr. Stevens go on with his fascinating story?

Thank you, Francine.

Well, Francine and April see this big house there.

And, uh, they think it's empty.

So they sneak up on the house, and there they find Monique and Audrey sunbathing

in the yard.

And they all join in the fun.

What do you mean they all join in the fun? What kind of a girl do you think I

am?

There's only two kinds that I can think of, sweetie.

White man ruin whole country.

This only place left.

Me look for Buffalo.

White man, say, stay on reservation.

We have no reason to leave.

White

man,

lie.

I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All right.

All

right.

How about the film now? We've got to go to the camera.

Oh, oh, oh.

Where's the film?

I'll help you. Right there on the floor. Here's the film.

Here's the film. I got it.

Put it in. Put it in. Wait a minute. Don't step on my pole. First of all,

how you do it.

Put that on the ground. Put it in.

Here we go. Put this down. Put it down.

All right.

Don't fall.

Get

it.

Pull it up. Get it.

Get it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got it.

I got

it.

Oh, you got them. All right.

Got it.

All right.

Get it up there. It's cold.

Hurry up before it gets wet.

All right.

Hurry up before it gets all wet. Put it in there, Schmuck. Got it. What happens

in an emergency? We got to reach it out. No, we'll put it inside.

That's all right. There it is. In straight. There it goes.

All right.

Right off.

Right off. Look out.

Oh.

Oh. Not overboard.

Get that man.

Keep away from that.

That's our boy. I saved him.

Oh,

my God. Oh, my God. Girls, hold on a minute longer.

It's all right.

I'll get it.

Okay. I got it.

I told you I'd save it.

See? I had it put in the camera. I think there's a picture. No, we've got the

other one.

Oh!

All right, Francine, dear.

This is your really big, big scene now. And it's a toughie.

Do you think you can do it? Oh, I can do anything for you, Mr. Stevens.

Ah, thank you, my dear.

All right, then.

Now, here's what you do.

First, you climb up the sheer side of that mountain up there, hand over hand,

the rocks.

But you've got to make it fast, dear. We're very short on film as it is.

Okay. Now, next, you get down on all fours. No, wait, wait. First, you come

that big thorn bush over there. See it? As you brush by the thorns, the sharp

thorns will stick you here, here, and here.

and rip your swimsuit right off, right off your back.

Now, down on all fours. You're going to climb up the backside of old teetering

rock.

Like that.

But you've got to be careful, Francine. Last year, a couple of guys... Oh, no

matter about that.

Now, now you're up on the highest point, the top of the mountain, and you draw

yourself up to your fullest height, balancing there as you stand.

Now, up go your hands and you make this tremendous dive.

But you've got to be careful, Francine, and dive far out, way out from those

sharp crags on the way down.

Now, as you hit the water, you've also got to be careful to miss those

rocks there and there and there.

Now, now you're in the water, and you're home free, swimming home to us and

safety on the shore, pulling the rowboat with your teeth.

You think you can do it?

Mr. Stevens, I can do anything for a director like you.

All right, my girl. Then get out there and do it. Remember, though, the whole

team will be behind you, standing here to bring you up in the rear.

Go to it, my girl. This is your moment for center stage.

Ready? March!

Da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da

-da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da -da Just the

other day, Martin said to me, Schmutz, are you ready? And I really told him

Yeah, what'd you say? What'd you say? I said, you betcha.

All right now, fellas.

Now she's starting up the mountains, so let's get ready. When we start to roll

that thing, I want it all in one, remember?

All right, all right. Be careful there. Look out, Francine.

There goes the swimsuit.

Oh, hang on, girls.

Can't she roll?

Get out of the way.

Francine, look out.

Look out.

What a dive.

Was I all right, Mr. Stevens?

Francine, you were wonderful.

Sensational. I've never seen a better shot in my life. And it's so lucky we

it on the first shot because we couldn't have made it again.

All right, girls, take five minutes off. Come in, girls. Come and take Francine

to the showers. Take five minutes off and come on right back. We'll make

scene. Thank you, dear.

Boy, you know, that was a great shot.

Best one in the whole movie. It'll make this picture.

Say, Schmertz, what's this thing anyway?

Oh, that's a lens cap.

What's it for?

It keeps the light out of the camera.

Oh, where'd you find it?

Over the lens.

Gone. All our money.

Down the drain.

Say, let's get that fellow Schmertz out here and find out just what's going on.

Didn't he tell you he was actually in the film business out there in

Yep, but I think the only thing he knows about film is the stuff that's on his

teeth. You know, I think you're right, Bob. We ought to call him over here and

see what the scoop is.

Hey, Schmertz!

Schmertz! Come over here.

Yeah? Hey, where you going?

Back to Hollywood.

I just had a fabulous offer.

You fellas are about finished anyway.

Yeah, we're finished all right.

Oh, I don't want to leave you in the lurch.

Well, let me just outline a few of the steps you still have to take.

First, you process the film. Then you work print it.

You have to transfer the sound to magnetic. Then you score it and mix the

and dub it to the optical sound track. After you've put in your optical

you can form the negative.

Time the negative for printing density and synchronize your sound.

Then all you have to do is make the density changes from your answer print,

the changeover cues, and you're in business. It's really simple from here

out. Well, so long, fellas, and thanks for the experience.

Say, Schmertz. Yeah.

Didn't you say you were actually in the film business out there in Hollywood?

That's right.

Well, just between you and me, Schmertz, what's this fabulous offer you were

telling us about?

Oh, it's a big promotion.

Ted Usher.

Well, if you're ever out in Wyoming, look me up.

Wyoming?

Yeah, the Strand Theater, Hollywood, Wyoming.

Well, so long, fellas, and a lot of good luck to you.

Oh, no!

Thank you.

And we're going to take everything we've got, and we're going to use it.

In other words, by doing more editing, I'll be the only blind film producer in

this whole business.

Well, what's this? We better let it go as it is, because I don't think we're

going to be able to make it any better. Well, I'm going to take this down to the

ladder for you, and you can finish up the ads and the posters.

I was looking for that.

Oh, that good girl.

Well, I guess that's it.

halitosis is inside.

What did you tell him? Well, I told him we had a new film and he said, okay,

bring it over and he'll show it after the late show tonight.

And if he likes it, he'll distribute it for us.

And if he doesn't like it? If he doesn't like it, we're sunk.

He's the only guy who distributes these films.

And if he won't take it, we're dead.

Did you see the picture?

No, I didn't have a chance. I went in the laboratory where they printed it.

I just picked it up and I came from there to here.

We'll see it now, though.

Mr. Halitosis... Call me Sonny.

Sonny?

Do you really think our picture has a chance?

I don't know.

I ain't seen it yet. But let me ask you a question.

You want to make a profit on this?

Well, to tell you the truth, we'd like to just break even.

Let me ask you another question.

You want an honest count at the box office?

We don't even care.

All we want is to get our money back, me and Al.

In that case...

You've got a chance.

Okay, Sammy.

Make with the picture.

Well, I'll tell you boys you... Hey, where are you guys?

Uh, we're... Move quietly, Mr. Halitosis. Honestly, we... Yes, you can

film back any time.

You couldn't stand it, huh?

Well, it was just bad enough, boys.

I'll take it.

You'll what?

I'll take it. It was the worst picture I ever seen.

It'll be a smash at the box office.

Uh, say, miss.

What do you want? Well, you see, uh, we're movie producers, and, uh, we make

lots of movies, and, uh, we're contemplating making a, uh, a girly

we'd like you to be in it, all right?

But, miss, you misunderstand.

It's a nice show. Well,

well, here we go again.