Original subtitles

To be someone who censors other people's behaviour

often masks your own sexual frustration

and this a proven fact.

In the same way, it is widely accepted that having sex in a playful and relaxed way

often reveals a free, happy and open-minded disposition

and is the result of a positive attitude towards life.

Just like the naughty girl of this short movie.

Tinto Brass presents

Improper Liaisons (Improper Relations)

- Uncle! - Silvia!

- How are you? - Fine.

- Let me see you. You've grown up. - Of course.

- Have you been waiting long? - No. Let's go.

So, how was the journey?

It was so hot. I can't wait to have a shower.

Actually...

Tell me about your new wife! Tell me something about her.

Everything's great with Francesca. Elena is the problem.

It was predictable.

My little cousin doesn't change, does she?

You'll see for yourself.

I'm really sorry about your mother.

She was a fantastic woman.

You can stay as long as you like.

- I mean, with us. - Thank you, uncle.

Life is really strange.

When I was a child I always wanted to live with you.

I couldn't wait for the summer because I knew Mum would send me here.

And now here I am with nowhere else to go apart from that horrible school.

I've always thought of you as my own little girl.

You know you were my first true love?

Till now. My biggest crush.

Hello!

- Fine. - Hello!

You're beautiful.

- Well done, uncle. She's lovely. - I know.

- The journey, how was it? - Everything was fine.

Uncle, you're not spying on me, are you?

You left the door open.

The little girl has grown up, hasn't she?

What are you thinking about?

I'm too young for you.

What are you saying? Hurry up. Dinner is ready.

Yes, sir!

So, have you decided what to do?

I have to keep on studying.

- Where? - I don't know. I like it here in Rome.

Have you already found somewhere to stay?

Silvia is part of the family

and she can stay here as long as she likes, obviously.

There is enough room.

The fireworks. Marco, are you coming with me?

Come on, uncle. Can we go?

- Sure. Don't be too late. - Thank you.

Listen, she'll have to stay for a while.

She can't stay here forever.

Where do you think she should go, then?

- She could go back to her school. - She's your cousin!

Why don't you like her?

Shut up. You're not even part of the family. Why don't you leave as well?

Don't you dare talk to her that way. Watch your mouth.

I already said she can stay as long as she likes.

What's wrong, little one?

Are you afraid of the woods?

Don't be scared. I'm here with you.

Do you remember what we used to do when we were young?

Do you remember?

We played doctors. Remember?

And when you sodomized me with your father's pen?

Do you want to sodomize me with something else now?

What do you reckon?

Hurry up, Silvia. Dinner is ready!

- Park in the back. I'll be in the bedroom. - I'm coming.

What are you doing here?

I was looking for a book.

No. You're nosing around in my father's bedroom.

Aren't you leaving yet?

Don't you realise nobody wants you here?

You're not part of this family. Go back to your school.

No. I don't think I'll leave.

I like this house.

Actually, my dear cousin, I think you'll be the one to leave.

Leave this room.

Does your father know you take boys to your bedroom?

Come on? Why not?

Try, at least.

Look, let's do this. If you don't like it, I won't ask you again.

I've told you many times, I'm tired of listening to you.

I don't do it with my mouth. Get a whore if you want particular things.

Yes.

I won't put that disgusting thing in my mouth.

Hi!

Hello!

Who are you?

Elena's cousin. I heard you talking and so came in to meet you.

- Well, nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

Don't worry! She'll be busy for a while.

But tell me about your problem.

- What are you talking about? - Come on.

I was passing by and accidentally

I heard you arguing about something.

A thing she doesn't really want to do.

Well...

What are you still doing in bed? Hurry up, my father is on his way.

I bought you something.

I saw it in a shop and I thought it would suit you.

Thank you, Auntie.

I'm sure you'll like it.

I'll put it here.

We're nearly ready to eat. Are you coming downstairs?

Yes. In a while.

Where are you going, all wet?

I've just got out of the bath.

I'll wait for you downstairs.

Stay here with me for a little bit.

- What's wrong? - I miss my mother.

So sweet.

I'm here.

Where's Elena? Isn't she coming to eat?

She said she's not coming. She's not feeling well.

Since I've been here, she's been unwell.

Don't worry. It has nothing to do with you.

Go and tell your sister I want her here in five minutes.

All right.

I'm going to have a bit of fresh air.

Excuse me.

- We can't go on like this. - You're right.

What are these pictures of?

- A bit of everything. - Are there some of your lovers?

I don't have any lovers.

Apart from me?

Of course.

- Do you want to take some pictures of me? - Now?

Of course. Right now.

- I don't know. We don't have the right light. - Come on. We can use the flash.

Give it back, come on.

- I know what you really like. - Really?

Yes. You like watching.

You like watching people making love.

You're a vo...a...

The word is voyeur.

You shouldn't go nosing about in other people's pockets.

- Come on, follow me. - Where?

Come.

Where are you...

Wait.

Watch.

Who's your little girl? I need you to tell me.

You're my little girl.

- You are. - We'll always be together, won't we?

We'll always be together.

Nobody will throw you out of here.

Nobody.

- I'll be back in time for dinner. - We'll wait for you. Don't drive too fast.

I think I should be in that car.

Don't worry. I'm sure she'll be fine in that school.

Dinner at seven.

You're not allowed to be late.

Hi. It's for the best if you know this straight away.

- This is my girlfriend. - Hello.

Smoking is forbidden.

The word transgression carries the implication of adultery.

In fact, in a love relationship adultery is an arousing transgression.

And if there is complicity within the couple,

not only it is arousing, but also, as we are going to demonstrate,

desirable and blessed.

Tinto Brass presents

Blessed Transgression!

So, were you looking at me?

What's wrong with that?

Am I supposed to look the other way?

Don't you women wear short skirts to be looked at?

And if someone finds you sexy and pretty, you get annoyed.

Thanks for the compliment, Gianni.

When we were married, you never looked at me this way.

Regina? My God, l hadn't recognized you with your back to the sun.

What's up? Don't you like me any more?

No, I can repeat the compliment.

- You have become really sexy. - Thanks.

Can I sit down, or are you expecting some woman?

She's not coming any more.

Don't worry, sooner or later you'll find your soul mate.

- Why, have you found one? - Let's say so.

- What do you mean? - I have found more than one.

Oh! You are having fun.

You are being sarcastic. Why shouldn't I?

I am a free woman.

If you say so.

No, the judge said so.

The way he looked at you...

And your lawyer? Real bastards.

What pleasure do they find in destroying families, turning wife against husband?

- To sleep with her, perhaps? - Here you go again.

Yes, yes. Sorry. You are right.

I haven't recovered from the shock of losing you yet.

But you never really cared!

And it wasn't working in bed, Gianni.

I know. My responsibility, probably.

Let's not talk about responsibilities. We were not right for each other, that's all.

Too many fights and misunderstandings.

All right, let's not talk about it any more. OK?

Water under the bridge.

- Is this all yours? - Do you not recognize it any more?

- I must say, you still have a great pair of tits. - Thanks.

And your thighs are even slimmer than before.

It seems like you have grown up.

It seems like from the fat child you were, you have turned into a woman.

- Better... A female. - I exercise a lot.

It's good for you. If you weren't my wife...

Sorry, my ex-wife,

I would think about it.

I also do ballet. Shall I show you?

Stop it, I believe you. They are looking at you.

What a bore!

Does it not make you horny that someone is looking at your wife... ex-wife?

lf I said that it made me horny, what would you say?

That you've got a hard-on, maybe.

What if it were true? Would you be sorry?

It's your problem. Well...

To be honest...

To be honest? Go on...

It makes me horny, too.

That two men would like to fuck you?

It's understandable. You have a nice arse, you like being liked.

It makes me horny that you have a hard-on.

There is no remedy, considering we are no longer...

Together? But this is the reason.

What do you mean? Tell me.

That if we wanted to, we could fuck now.

Without any worries, problems, family, shopping, Sundays or arguments.

We could go to your place or mine, and let's tango.

It's been two years since we saw each other.

Actually, last time we met we ended up fighting, as you know.

We promised not to meet each other again.

You accused me of being impotent.

And I accused you of being frigid.

Now you suddenly appear on a Sunday morning

to give me a hard-on.

- Let me touch it. - Are you mad?

Come on, let me feel it. It's been so long since...

I told you, those two men are watching.

That is the reason why you are horny.

Regina, come on, stop it.

If there weren't so many kids around, I...

- With those two watching? - Especially with them watching.

Do you know what made me really horny, when we were married,

but I never had the courage to tell you?

The thought of watching you making love with two men.

- Upset? - I don't know. Describe the scene for me.

You are on top of one of them, while the other lubricates you from behind.

Then he fucks you so hard that the two dicks rub each other in your body,

arousing each other.

I never knew you were such a good storyteller.

I was afraid to offend you, to disgust you with my fantasies.

Don't you think women have the same fantasies?

- You too, then? - Yes, of course I get horny too.

I can't resist any more. Let's go to your place, or mine, a hotel, wherever you want.

Hang on. I don't want to do it like we used to, with you on top, pretending I liked it.

How boring!

Rather...

- What have you got in mind? - I want to ask them to come with us.

Don't you think they are already aroused by our performance? Don't you think?

Regina, where are you going? Wait! Regina! Regina!

No, not now. Afterwards.

Afterwards. Afterwards.

Are they snogging in that car?

Hey, hey, hey. Relax. l am here.

OK, OK, it's all fine.

Hey, calm down. Calm down.

It's all fine.

- Cappuccino and pastry? - Do I not disgust you now?

- No. Actually, if you want to know... - Don't say it yet.

- I am going to say it. I love you. - Me too.

- Please. - Thank you.

How stupid we have been.

Wasting so much time.

Throwing plates at each other. Like two idiots.

- We'll make up for lost time. - Definitely.

I couldn't find my knickers.

They fell on the floor in the hall.

My God! Someone might have found them.

Lucky him.

Eroticism can also be a splendid litmus paper

which reveals moods, thoughts, emotions and feelings.

It is an expressive and ideological picklock,

a magnifier to discover the most deeply hidden drives of the human soul.

Like in this short movie

where the asexual behaviour of the characters

shows us some tasty truths about the characters themselves.

For example, the narcissism of how one wants to appear

often hides a person's true nature.

In this case, a chavinistic arsehole

becomes frustrated and impotent and his wife cheats on him.

TINTO BRASS presents

A MAGIC MIRROR

STOP SLOWING DOWN

Back!

Is that OK?

Giulia!

Did you go to the locksmith for the new lock?

I went but it was closed.

And the phone connection?

I talked to Telecom, they're coming tomorrow.

Also, the guys for the washing machine. I told them to come at 1 1am.

Shit! I told you to make it 12pm.

They couldn't do it at 12pm.

They can't come here when you want them to.

- It was at 1 1am or in two days and I said... - Yeah, yeah. It's all right.

And what did the carpenter say?

It was closed as well. There was a mad traffic jam this evening.

I'd told you to stop by the shop.

You don't have to necessarily go to the one downstairs.

- You could go yourself. - Try to remember tomorrow.

Do I have to do everything?

Who went shopping and to buy the plants?

Fuck it!

What happened?

Nothing, nothing.

Be careful with those plates. They're from my mother.

Yes!

Why don't you get out of that bath and come and help me?

You've been in there for half an hour.

Since we've got this house I've been doing everything.

Are you getting the door?

- Of course. Who else would get it? - Of course!

- Hi, Walter. - Hi.

- Do you want a hand? - No worries. I'll do it.

- Who is it? - It's Walter with the new mirror.

- I bet he's having a bath. - Good guess!

- What does he need another mirror for? - Oh, Walter!

Come here!

Sit down.

You're always bathing and making yourself ''pretty''. It's an obsession.

I don't deny it. Everyone has an obsession.

I heard you lost yesterday as well.

- Who told you? - I heard it.

People never mind their own business.

Anyway, you deserve it. What did I tell you? Don't listen to that arsehole.

- Let's not talk about it. - You're just a berk.

- I told you... - Stop it. I don't want to talk about it.

Anyway, thank you for the mirror. Giulia can't put it up, though.

What does it have to do with Giulia? It's your job.

If you did it, it'd be as if I was doing it myself anyway.

I don't understand.

You're doing me a favour.

- It's obvious! - Don't talk bullshit or I'll break that mirror.

Where do you want me to put it?

Next to the door.

All right.

How do you manage to live with him?

I've only been here for five minutes and he's made me mad already.

I know what you mean.

- Sometimes he seems a bit dumb. - He's not at all. He's a son of a bitch.

- Don't offend your mother. - Let's not even talk about it.

- Don't make jokes about things like that. - Who's joking?

She's making me go mad.

''Sandro is so good! Sandro said that. Sandro did that.''

What about me? Without me she'd be on the streets. He'd never take her with him.

lt's just that you're too good.

You mean a berk.

You two are so different.

lt's hard to believe you're brothers.

You're telling me.

Close to the door, OK?

Close to the door.

Not too high!

Not too high.

- Not too low either. - Not too low either.

I want to be able to see my whole body.

Remember you're at least four inches shorter than me.

Arsehole. He's a total arsehole.

- He's like that. - He always does what he likes.

My mother dotes on him because he's an actor.

And what an actor he is. ln four years he only did one photo soap opera.

- It's a hard profession. - We all know what his profession is.

- He has an audition on Monday. If... - Again.

Every week there's one.

Hello!

Yes, but I...

I don't give a toss. You should've thought about that beforehand.

You didn't get it, then. You didn't get it. You have to bring me the money.

There's fucking nothing to explain.

Listen to me. Either you bring the money tomorrow or you're in trouble.

Hang up.

Bloody hell.

They all want to have a life of crime.

And then they shit themselves.

Excuse me.

Could you give me a hand?

Of course.

- Giulia, I'm sorry. - Fuck off!

Bloody hell, such a slap!

Instead of staying here doing nothing, go help my brother. Go.

I want to be with you.

Come on, fucking hell! He's doing us a favour.

So? Are you deaf?

Move your arse!

As you like.

The sponge.

So, do you still want a hand?

Look at your face.

Are you insane?

I don't know if it's that stuff you snort or going to the gym that makes you like this.

What are you doing?

I was joking.

- Come on. - Leave me alone.

I was joking. Stop it.

Go and get me the hairdryer.

Where is it?

Where do you think it is? In the kitchen?

If it's not in the bathroom, it must be in the gym bag.

These fucking Sicilians.

That girl doesn't understand that if she wants to stay, she has to work.

She has to work.

It won't be long before I send her back to her village.

One second.

Do you know what she asked me the other day?

She comes to me and says,

''Can I go out with my friend?''

She said it was someone's birthday.

I slapped her hard.

All right. I'm going to dry my hair.

If I don't fix it straight away, I will never manage.

The other day, I had like a horn.

I had to wash it again.

- Who have you had an affair with? - Nobody.

- I never... - Never?

Never.

Never say never.

Well. What is it?

I just wanted to check if you needed anything.

That's a first.

Walter. Sandro is here.

- I can't, Walter. - Why?

Wait for him to leave.

And then we can do everything you want.

- Everything? - Everything, yes.

You picked the wrong brother.

Yes.

So, do you want me?

I've been wanting you for years.

You could have told me before.

You could have told me.

- I'll finish here then I'll give you a hand. - Really?

I don't need it. I've nearly finished.

What's wrong? Are you all right?

What's that face for?

I feel a bit stressed. Maybe I'm a bit tired.

Well, go to bed early and tomorrow you'll feel fine.

- You're so beautiful. - Am I?

ls this how you wanted it?

Perfect. Thank you, little Walter!

lt's OK. It took me less than 20 minutes.

Bloody hell! You're ace. It'd take me 20 minutes to make that drill work.

You should learn.

You reckon? I want to leave these little satisfactions to you.

Do what you like.

You look so pretty! Are you going out?

With friends?

- With a gorgeous chick! - First time to shag her?

- Already shagged her. - Same tactics.

Of course. ''Would you give me a hand?''

You'll stay overnight?

- But you will be late? - I don't know. Are you a detective?

Don't get pissed off.

- I left a bit of mess. Will you clean it up? - Giulia will do it.

Can you show Walter out?

Yes.

For you.

- You're giving me half a million lire? - You've been doing a lot for me.

By the way, can you tell Mum I'll come and see her on Sunday?

She'll be happy. Can you stay with her on Tuesday?

Tuesday? No, I can't.

- Fuck it. For once l ask you a... - I can't, I've got something to do.

Something important. I'll tell you later.

- Bye, Sandro. - See you, Walter.

Are you coming back? I'll wait for you.

You bet!

- The green tie? - With the others.

As soon as you see the car leaving.

While you're waiting.

You're mad.