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1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:03,960
DOOR CREAKS OPEN
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00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:05,960
Wakey, wakings.
3
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960
Where is the time machine?
4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,480
This proves our theory.
5
00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:18,960
That black people
are time travellers.
6
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,000
SHE SIGHS
You truly are cretins.
7
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,960
The only reason you have risen
through the ranks of the KGB,
8
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:25,480
while I have not,
is because you are men.
9
00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:30,960
How dare you! The Communist Party
is an equal opportunities employer.
10
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,960
Enjoy your breakfast.
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00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,960
It will be the last
you'll ever have.
12
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:50,960
If you're not the one
Then why does my soul
13
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:55,960
Feel glad today?
14
00:00:55,960 --> 00:01:02,960
If you're not the one
Then why does my hand fit yours
15
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,640
This way...
16
00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,960
No, stop, stop, stop, stop.
17
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,960
Horace, you're flat again.
Try a bit harder.
18
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,960
Being in a band
is supposed to be fun, Nick.
19
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:14,960
Yes, but being in a jazz band
is supposed to be torture.
20
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,000
HE SIGHS
Only then can you truly express
21
00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,960
the pain and the anguish
of the music.
22
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,160
It's a Daniel Bedingfield cover.
23
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,960
You'd miss me if I wasn't here.
24
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,480
Sorry, what?
Nothing.
25
00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:26,960
Hey!
Baby!
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00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
My cocoa bean!
KISSING
27
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,480
SHE LAUGHS
28
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,960
Here we go.
29
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:33,640
Move, four eyes.
30
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,160
Mm, no time for talking.
31
00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:37,960
Do not disturb us.
32
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:39,960
KISSING
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00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,960
How was Pippa's funeral?
So much fun!
34
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,000
And something so funny happened,
you'll never guess what!
35
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,960
The, er, the body fell out
the coffin? No...
36
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:49,960
The priest's clothes fell off?
No!
37
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:51,480
I got engaged!
38
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:52,960
To me?
39
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,480
SHE TUTS
No, silly.
40
00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,320
To Jonty, Pippa's husband.
41
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,960
It's what she would've wanted.
42
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,960
Oh, Jonty! He's such heaven.
43
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,960
He's an MP,
AND he drives an Aston Martin.
44
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,960
Yeah, that's quite enough.
SHE CHUCKLES
45
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,960
Why don't you have your footman put
his clothes on and fetch our cases?
46
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:11,960
Bye, darling.
47
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,960
I'll dream about
your chocolate body every night.
48
00:02:20,160 --> 00:02:22,960
So, Jonty, I thought, perhaps,
oysters for lunch.
49
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
50
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Well...
51
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,960
Well, that was top notch, I mean,
52
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,000
really first-rate, well done.
53
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:36,160
You. Are. Welcome.
HE CHUCKLES
54
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:38,960
How was Bertie while I was away?
55
00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:41,480
Did he behave?
SHE MUMBLES NERVOUSLY
56
00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:42,960
I must say hello to the little chap.
57
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
Why don't you just stay in bed
and I'll...
58
00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960
say hello to your little chap?
59
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960
My little chap needs a rest,
and Bertie needs his lettuce.
60
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960
I already gave him one.
Two, actually.
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00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,960
TWO?! He'll think it's Christmas.
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00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:55,960
JJ, wait!
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00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,960
DRAMATIC MUSIC SOUNDS
64
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:01,960
Aw...
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00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:02,960
he's sleeping.
66
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,320
Lauren...
67
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,480
..did you forget to feed
my tortoise?
68
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,960
They make literally no noise.
69
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:15,000
If a cat wants feeding,
he's all like, "Meow, meow"
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00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,960
right in your face,
but a tortoise, nothing...
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00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
Cos if it had,
then I wouldn't have forgotten,
72
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,960
so, really, it's his own fault
that he starved to death.
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00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:24,960
Shit pet.
74
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,960
I...
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00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:27,960
I need to be alone.
76
00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,640
I'll see you later for round two,
then, yeah? No!
77
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,960
I cannot be with someone
so unbelievably heartless.
78
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:37,640
We are talking about
a fucking tortoise here, right?!
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00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:38,960
It's over, Lauren.
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00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,320
DOOR OPENS,
HE EXHALES DEEPLY
81
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,320
We hate jazz!
We hate you!
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00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,960
LAUGHTER
Jazz nonce!
83
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,960
Grow up, you pigs!
84
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:54,960
Can you believe this shit?
85
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Victoria's kicked me out
cos of her dickhead fiance,
86
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,960
Jonty. I mean, what's he got
that I haven't got?
87
00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:02,960
Money, power, status, respect,
88
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,960
an Aston Martin,
Victoria, obviously...
89
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:05,960
We've got a kid together.
90
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
Did I mention money?
What will happen to JJ?
91
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,960
A broken home could really have
an impact on him.
92
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,960
I think that your 32-year-old son,
93
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,480
who doesn't even know
you're his dad, will be just fine.
94
00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,960
I'll prove it to her, man.
I'm better than that posh dickhead.
95
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Yeah? How?
UNZIPPING SOUND
96
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,960
Willy wars, really?
Aren't you bigger than that?
97
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:22,960
I'm bigger than him.
Right,
98
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960
and where you planning to stay?
In the jazz club.
99
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,960
All right, dickheads.
No! Uh-uh, not you too.
100
00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,960
This is a house of jazz,
not House The Homeless.
101
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:33,960
Me and JJ are over. I accidentally
killed his tortoise, and he thinks
102
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,640
that makes him
a better person than me.
103
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:38,960
Him, Victoria, dicks, the whole
white-privileged lot of them.
104
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,160
You two need to learn to play
the game, like me.
105
00:04:41,160 --> 00:04:43,160
You know, I've never been stopped
by the police.
106
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:44,960
No way!
107
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,320
Wearing glasses
and being relatively well-spoken
108
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,960
apparently makes me
"less threatening" to the dicks.
109
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:51,960
I've got 'em right where I want 'em.
110
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,960
The... Who's evicting me?!
111
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,960
Jonty Ripperton-Who?!
Yeah, that's Victoria's fiance.
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Privileged dick!
113
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,960
Where's Horace? How comes
they haven't kicked him out yet?
114
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
He said goodbye and...
left this note.
115
00:05:07,480 --> 00:05:10,000
"Dear Nick, I feel like
you don't value me as a person,
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00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000
"so I have decided to run away.
117
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:16,000
"It's like that old saying,
learn to appreciate what you have
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"before it runs away to Hyde Park.
Love, Horace."
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00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,960
I guess we should go and get him.
Well, where do we start?
120
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:21,960
He could be anywhere!
121
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,960
Maybe Hyde Park.
Yeah, he does like parks.
122
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Good shout, you know.
123
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:30,160
DOOR CREAKS OPEN
124
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DRAMATIC MUSIC SOUNDS
Fork.
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ECHOED: Janice...
126
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,960
Come back and be tortured, please.
127
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:53,960
Janice?
128
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"Flat."
129
00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,320
Nothing about me is bloody flat.
130
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,960
Oi, oi. What we got 'ere?
131
00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,960
You lost?
132
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,480
Can't find your mummy?
133
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,320
All right, stay cool, Horace,
first impressions count.
134
00:06:11,320 --> 00:06:12,480
Er...
135
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:14,960
COCKNEY ACCENT: What's the matter
with you, then, eh?
136
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,960
Your mum abandon you at birth
cos you was ugly?
137
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LAUGHTER
138
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,320
D'ya know what I mean?
'Ere, you're funny.
139
00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:21,960
Where's your crew?
140
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960
Ah, I don't have none. I'm a,
you know, I'm a lone wolf,
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00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:25,960
like a...
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00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:28,960
..lone...
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00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,160
..wolf.
You should hang with us.
144
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,960
We weren't looking for
a coloured fella,
145
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,960
but you ain't that bad.
You'll have to be initiated, mind.
146
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:38,960
Yeah.
147
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,000
And it ain't easy.
148
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GROANING
149
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,960
I don't want to run away
150
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,960
But I can't take it
I don't understand
151
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,160
If I'm not made for you
Then why does my heart
152
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,960
Tell me that I am?
153
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,960
Is there any way that I can stay
154
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HIGH PITCHED:
In your arms?
155
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,320
HE LAUGHS
156
00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:02,960
Bloody hell, Horace, I never knew
black people were so good at music!
157
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,960
Wicked and bat.
158
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:06,960
Horace!
Horace!
159
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
You don't think
I'm a horrible person, do you?
160
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,960
Define "horrible".
161
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:11,960
I do loads of nice things.
162
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,960
Yeah, are any of those nice things
for anyone but yourself?
163
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:15,960
Sometimes.
164
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:19,960
Like if JJ visits "down south",
then I make sure the garden's tidy.
165
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:22,800
Please, I'm your brother. Horace!
166
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:23,960
Horace!
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00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:28,160
JONTY: And that's certainly not
what we made such sacrifice for.
168
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,960
Ordinary, British people
want an end to immigration.
169
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,960
Once prosperous areas of London
are now worthless,
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00:07:35,960 --> 00:07:38,960
as the great and the good
are overwhelmed
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00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
by a tidal wave of West Indians.
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DISGRUNTLED CHATTER
173
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:43,960
Sorry, yeah, hi,
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00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960
you're saying that house prices
are dropping
175
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,800
because immigrants are moving in?
Yes.
176
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,960
A house on Clapham Common sold
for ?1,000 last week.
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00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,960
HALF of what it's actually worth!
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00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:57,960
The elderly owners were driven out
by the smelly exotic foods,
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00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:01,960
the cheery parties and rhythmic
music of their Caribbean neighbours.
180
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,960
You don't know
what you're talking about!
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00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:04,960
CHEERING AND CLAPPING
182
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:07,960
Yeah! How can you satisfy anyone
with your tiny dick?
183
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,960
CONFUSED MUMBLING
184
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,960
Are either of you getting the
actual point this racist is making?
185
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,960
No, no, no, no, no. There is nothing
racist about politely asking you all
186
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,960
to go back to where you came from.
CROWD BOOING
187
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,640
First of all, I was born here.
188
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,960
Secondly, maybe if you didn't sell
them into slavery,
189
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:27,960
they'd already be "home".
190
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,960
MAN IN CROWD: Preach, man.
That's right, yeah!
191
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,000
Noble words,
192
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,960
but I ask, how many immigrants
do you have on your doorstep?
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00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,000
Hmm? None.
Because while you defend them,
194
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,000
you don't actually want them
living in your own back yard!
195
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,960
CROWD GRUMBLES
No!
196
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,960
No, I do.
All are welcome in my yard.
197
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:44,960
Even you.
198
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
199
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960
If you come to my ends,
I'll show you
200
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,960
how a real man, with a real dick,
pleases a woman.
201
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:54,160
What is your obsession
with this man's sex technique?
202
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,960
That's Jonty, innit? The guy
who's trying to repossess my club?
203
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,160
Yeah.
204
00:08:58,160 --> 00:09:00,960
Why didn't you say anything?!
I wouldn't have said all that
205
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:02,960
if I knew he was the landlord.
Come on!
206
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,960
Yes.
207
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:04,960
Off you pop, then.
208
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,960
This is our mole.
209
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,960
And what do we know about the mole?
210
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,960
They are brown.
211
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
They live underground!
212
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,960
And when needs must,
they will come to the surface.
213
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,000
We know the Wu Tang Clan
are our time-travellers,
214
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,960
surely we should go after them?
215
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,480
Do not be foolish.
216
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:34,480
We do not know what
their weaponry capabilities are.
217
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,960
They are highly intellectual beings
from future.
218
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:40,160
HORACE ON TAPE RECORDER:
' Bo Selecta, jump electa
219
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,960
' Move when the mic's... '
KNOCKING
220
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,960
JASON: 'Horace, what are you doing
in there? I need a piss, man.'
221
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,960
We find Janice...
222
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
we find the time machine.
223
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,640
WHISPERING: Don't look now,
but there's a group
224
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,320
of West Indians behind us.
I know.
225
00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,800
They've been following us
since the park.
226
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:03,960
WOMAN: Hello.
227
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960
Hiya!
228
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,480
Can we help you?
You did say we could live with you.
229
00:10:08,480 --> 00:10:09,960
Did I?
230
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,960
When the white man asked you
if you'd have us in your backyard,
231
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:13,960
you say yes.
232
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,960
Yeah, I-I kind of got caught up
in the moment,
233
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,640
trying to prove a point...
Don't listen to him, come on in.
234
00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:22,960
Bless you, child.
Ah, welcome. Welcome.
235
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,960
Thank you.
Thank you.
236
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,160
Aw!
What's going on?
237
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,960
Well, these people
need a home and...
238
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,480
who are we to shut them all out?
Who indeed.
239
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:33,160
Come on in, make yourselves at home.
240
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:37,960
Oh, and the Wi-Fi password is,
"Rasta 29".
241
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:47,960
Sorry, sorry.
242
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:52,960
HE SIGHS
Ah, for fuck's sake.
243
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,960
Please, don't store your rum
so close to an open flame,
244
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,960
basic health and safety, guys,
come on!
245
00:10:58,960 --> 00:10:59,960
All right, Nick-Knack.
246
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,800
Sorry, when did we become
the Calais jungle?
247
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:03,960
It's only been three days.
248
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:06,960
The neighbours are gonna be livid.
Do you think that's why they're
249
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:07,960
all selling up and moving out?
250
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,960
And where did they all come from?
Have they multiplied?
251
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,000
Egbert is a father!
252
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,320
CHEERING AND CLAPPING
253
00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,960
Welcome, Nicholas!
BABY CRIES
254
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:16,960
CHEERING
255
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,960
Aw!
256
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:20,960
MAN YELLS: Stop!
257
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,960
CLANG
258
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,800
I've taken the rubbish out.
259
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,960
I said, "I've taken the..."
260
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:33,960
Nothing?
261
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,160
Doesn't matter.
262
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,960
LAUGHTER AND CHATTER
263
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,960
You've been here ages.
How long does it take
264
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:46,960
to wash your balls?
Go away.
265
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,960
I told you,
my club is out of bounds!
266
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY
267
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960
JONTY: Victoria!
268
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,960
I can't find my bloody
driving gloves. Er...
269
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,000
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
270
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,960
Good God!
There's millions of them!
271
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,000
It's like a-a carnival!
272
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,960
What's he doing down there?
273
00:12:23,960 --> 00:12:25,640
Is that my flannel?
274
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,960
Oh, bloody hell!
SHE GASPS
275
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,960
Oh, lucky, lucky towel.
276
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,960
MUSIC PLAYS
277
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,160
So, what's going on, then?
What we doing?
278
00:12:48,160 --> 00:12:50,480
We're gonna have us a little fun.
279
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,960
You in?
Yeah, sweet!
280
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,640
WHISPERS: I hope it's Monopoly.
281
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,640
Good afternoon, ladies.
282
00:12:58,640 --> 00:12:59,960
Lauren.
All right?
283
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:03,960
What a way, this young one nice!
284
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,160
Something smells delicious.
We're having cow foot.
285
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,960
You ever had cow foot?
Never. What is it?
286
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,960
Cow foot.
287
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:16,960
Hm, perhaps I could help?
Mm, what a way, him sweet!
288
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,960
How do you know when it's ready?
289
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,960
When it's soft and...
290
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,000
moist.
291
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,960
Take that nastiness into the house!
292
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,960
And put that on the account
of Jonty Ripperton-Claque.
293
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:34,800
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hello?
294
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:36,960
JASON WHISPERS: It's me,
my fluffy marshmallow, let me in.
295
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:39,960
Chocolatine!
What are you doing here?
296
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:42,480
W-What if Jonty sees you?
You know...
297
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:45,000
I didn't knock the door
with my hand.
298
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,320
WHISPERS: Hello, old friend.
299
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:55,960
It's the girth more than anything.
You just get me.
300
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:59,160
KISSING
Oh, come on, babes, let me in.
301
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,000
Are you mad?!
Tell me you don't want it.
302
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:04,960
I'd die for it!
Right, that's it, I'm coming in.
303
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:05,960
JONTY SHOUTS
What's that?
304
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,960
It's coming from my loins, babe.
It's Jonty!
305
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960
DOOR SLAMS,
JASON SCREAMS LOUDLY
306
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,960
CONTINUES GROANING
307
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:16,960
Very simple,
you chaps will have to clear off.
308
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:17,960
You've had your fun.
309
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:20,960
This is private property,
and we don't want your type here!
310
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,800
Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you,
could you speak up?
311
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,960
Mr Riperton-Claque, er, Jonty,
Your Honour.
312
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,640
I'm sure we can come to some kind
of arrangement.
313
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,960
You know, we're both reasonable men.
I wear glasses...
314
00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,320
You have...
315
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,800
THROUGH MEGAPHONE: ..until sundown
to clear the property!
316
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,960
Fine. Go ahead.
317
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,000
I am Nick of Nick's World Famous
Jazz Club,
318
00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:44,000
and I ain't going nowhere!
319
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,960
We shall not
We shall not be moved
320
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,960
THEY ALL SING: We shall not
321
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,960
We shall not be moved...
No, no, no, no, don't sit.
322
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,960
No, what don't you understand?
Private property!
323
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,960
You leave me no choice. Sundown!
You will be met
324
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960
with fire and fury
like the world has never seen!
325
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:04,960
..shall not
We shall not be moved.
326
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,960
CHEERING AND SHOUTING
327
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:16,960
Yeah, man!
You came here with nothing...
328
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,960
MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC PLAYS
..with the dream of being something.
329
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,960
CROWD MEMBER: Yeah, that's right.
I, too.
330
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:23,960
I came here!
331
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:27,960
And I built my jazz club
from nothing...
332
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,160
Wait.
The jazz club was already here,
333
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,640
you just dusted it off
and hung some bunting.
334
00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:33,960
Hush your beak!
335
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,960
MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC CONTINUES
Brothers and sisters,
336
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960
it is time to stand up
and be counted...
337
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Amen!
..by any means necessary!
338
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,320
CHEERING
339
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:46,960
THUD,
HE GROANS
340
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,960
THEY LAUGH
This is fun.
341
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:49,960
Have you always been naughty?
342
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,800
Nah, I was head girl
at a convent school in Woking.
343
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:53,960
My dad's a High Court judge.
344
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
GROANING OVER THE WALL
Why are we doing this, then?
345
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Cos it's a jazz club.
346
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Jazz is for nonces.
347
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:03,960
Ah...
348
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,960
If them throw shit at us, we are
gonna throw shit right back at them!
349
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
CHEERING
As Nicholas say,
350
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:10,960
"By any means necessary."
351
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,000
CHEERING
352
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,960
Ah, no, that's not really mine,
it's more Malcolm X's,
353
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,480
but if we could just focus
our energy on Jonty!
354
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,960
Oi!
Oi! No-one throws stuff at us!
355
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:22,960
Petrol bomb?
356
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
Er, that's very kind of you,
but, no, thanks.
357
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Suit ya self.
358
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
Argh!
SCREAMS
359
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
Shit.
Them gonna throw fire!
360
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
Get out there and mash them up!
361
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,960
SHOUTING
Protect the club! Protect the club!
362
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,160
Protect the club... Shit!
363
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,960
HORACE: Wait!
364
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,960
JEERING AND SHOUTING
365
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,640
No, no, no, no. Wait, wait!
Stop, stop.
366
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,960
Jace, no, no, no, where you going?
367
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:45,960
Somewhere less fighty.
368
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:49,000
Stay here, and do not let Jonty
get near my club!
369
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,960
Wait, everyone just calm down, OK?
370
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,960
There's just been
a big misunderstanding!
371
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960
Sorry... Horace?!
372
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Nick!
What are you doing with them?
373
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,960
You don't appreciate me!
Yes, I do!
374
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,000
Look, I'm sorry, I just...
375
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:11,960
Is that a wig?!
376
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,960
Yeah.
HE CHUCKLES
377
00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:15,960
Ah. Ah, Nick...
378
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960
YELLING
No, no!
379
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,960
SMASHING AND YELLING
380
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,960
No, no, no, no!
381
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,960
Stop it!
382
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,000
Janice.
383
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,960
Come on.
384
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,960
Janice, wait!
It's hard to run in crepe soles.
385
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,800
We must go to the time machine!
386
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,960
The people I work for are bad men,
Horace,
387
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,960
the Soviet secret police.
388
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:43,960
You're a spy?
389
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,960
We cannot let the KGB
find the time machine.
390
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,960
You must get back to the year
you belong, before I destroy it.
391
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:50,960
Why do you have to destroy it?
392
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960
Because if it falls into the hands
of the KGB,
393
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
they will send assassins
back in time
394
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,960
to kill the parents
of great world leaders,
395
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:59,640
thus preventing their birth and
corrupting the course of history.
396
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:00,960
You mean they'll send...
397
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,640
Terminators?
398
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:03,960
I suppose.
399
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:05,960
What will happen to you?
400
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:08,160
I will most likely be
tortured and killed.
401
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:11,960
Now, come with me, or you will never
return home to your time.
402
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:12,960
I can't leave my friends.
403
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:14,960
The friends at whom you throw
petrol bombs?
404
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:15,960
Yeah!
405
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:18,960
Horace!
406
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,960
CLANGING
MAN: Sorry, please!
407
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:24,960
OK, raise your hand if you think
it's time to go back to the future.
408
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:25,960
No, no, no. What about Victoria?
409
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:28,800
How many times does that woman
have to dump you?
410
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,480
And JJ, my baby boy?
BOTH: He's 32!
411
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:33,960
You've come for me!
412
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:35,960
Er, no, I... came for Lauren.
413
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,960
I've come to see if you're
all right. I got you wrong.
414
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960
I've seen what you've done
for these people,
415
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:42,960
these people in need.
416
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,960
You've shown them such compassion
and I...
417
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,480
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
418
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,960
Oh, I've never wanted you more,
Lauren.
419
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Eurgh!
420
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,960
What are these?
Oh, just my house keys.
421
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,960
Wait, to seven houses?
Yeah?!
422
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,960
Is it against the law to own
seven houses?
423
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:00,960
They're all on this street!
424
00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Yeah, they were going for cheap,
so I just thought I'd buy them.
425
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,640
All the owners moved out
426
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,480
at the same time?
You know, they just didn't like
427
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,960
the neighbourhood any more.
How narrow-minded is that?
428
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:13,480
You only did this so people would
sell their houses for peanuts.
429
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,960
Yeah, brilliant, right?
You ARE a horrible person.
430
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,960
You want me to be something
that I'm not...
431
00:19:17,960 --> 00:19:19,960
A decent human being?
Exactly.
432
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:24,960
Look, JJ, these houses
are gonna make me a millionaire!
433
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:27,960
Well, take care, Baby Love.
All right, enough teary goodbyes,
434
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,960
can we get the hell out of here?
What about Horace?
435
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,000
There's no time!
436
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:33,960
Oh, hey, Horace,
we were just looking for you.
437
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,960
Oh, God,
it's so good to see you guys!
438
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,640
I love you, Nick, you're the best.
439
00:19:37,640 --> 00:19:38,960
Hello, there's a race riot
happening,
440
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,960
can we go already?!
Yeah. Yeah.
441
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:42,960
I want you to have this.
442
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,960
I got it in a promotional box
of Coco Pops when I was ten.
443
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,960
To remember me by.
Why?
444
00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:49,320
Cos I love you, innit?
445
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,960
Oh, you might need to reset that.
446
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:59,800
WHISPERS: Goodbye, my love.
447
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:01,960
MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY
448
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:02,960
Mm.
449
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:07,960
I love my life! Mm!
450
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,960
Mm.
451
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,480
SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS
452
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Get away from the time machine!
453
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:18,960
Never!
454
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,000
Do svidaniya, moya lyubov.
455
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,960
Janice!
456
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960
LOUD EXPLOSION
457
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:35,960
Janice!
458
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960
RUBBLE RATTLES
459
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:46,960
Ow.
460
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,800
JANICE GROANS
461
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,960
I'm sorry.
462
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,960
I had to destroy it.
463
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,960
No, no, no, no, no.
I-I understand. I...
464
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,960
I'm actually quite glad.
465
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:06,000
It means I get to stay here
with you.
466
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:14,960
Wow...
467
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,960
that's just how I imagined
my first kiss.
468
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,960
With a Soviet spy,
amongst the rubble
469
00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:23,960
of a recently destroyed time
machine, in front of your friends?
470
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,960
Yeah.
471
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,960
What the actual fuck!
472
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:34,960
Guys...
473
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:35,960
I think that was the time machine.
474
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:38,960
Oh! No shit, dickhead!
475
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,960
Think you're the only one
with a time machine.
476
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:46,640
Muggin'.
477
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:48,960
JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS
478
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:49,960
Wait!
479
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,960
Little girl! Hey, little white girl,
where you going?
480
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,480
NICK: What time machine?!
481
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,960
Horace...
Yes, my love.
482
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,640
I prefer you with an afro.
483
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,960
As you wish.
HE CHUCKLES
484
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,960
ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
485
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:21,640
Subtitles by TVT
486
00:22:21,690 --> 00:22:26,240
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35348
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