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1
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SEX NOISES
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00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:04,960
I can't take this any more.
3
00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,960
I know. Who does DIY at this
time of night? I'm joking.
4
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,000
Your sister's having
sexual intercourse.
5
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,960
I've been listening to my son
have sex for 45 minutes nonstop.
6
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,800
Totally weirded out.
7
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,960
But also incredibly proud.
8
00:00:18,960 --> 00:00:21,960
Maybe you should talk to him,
Jason. Father to son.
9
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:24,960
Obviously without actually
telling him you're his dad
10
00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,960
cos that would really
fuck things up.
11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,800
Yeah, you're right, I'm his father.
I should have the sex talk with him.
12
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:30,960
That's what dads do, innit?
13
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:32,960
Maybe just give him advice
how not to have sex.
14
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,160
And say what? That goes against
everything I believe in.
15
00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:37,640
Google it. Argh,
that doesn't exist yet.
16
00:00:37,640 --> 00:00:39,960
How did anyone find anything out
about anything without Google?
17
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:40,960
I know, it's weird.
18
00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:42,960
Have you ever heard of books?
19
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:43,960
Yeah. Course I have.
20
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,960
OK, Jason, what are books?
21
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:49,960
WHISPERS: I will not play
your mind games.
22
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:54,960
SEX NOISES CONTINUE
23
00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,960
OK. Tell me more
about these books, then.
24
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:15,480
OK, so, one more time, just so I'm
totally clear. All this is true.
25
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:18,960
That's right, all this is true.
26
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,640
But all this is bullshit.
27
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:25,960
Not bullshit, just fiction.
They're made up stories.
28
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So, erm... tell me, this, er...
29
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Book.
30
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Is this true? Or is it bullshit?
31
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That's true.
32
00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,960
OK, I'd like to buy this book then,
please.
33
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,480
Oh, thank God.
34
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,320
So, what's this?
35
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:50,960
That's my diary.
36
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,960
"Based on the mysterious diary
found in a bush,
37
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"Time Bender is a startling vision
of the future."
38
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:57,960
I thought you burnt my diary.
39
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,960
I thought I burnt your diary! Shit!
40
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:03,640
If people find out about the future
before it's even happened,
41
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,960
it could tear a hole
in the space-time continuum.
42
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,160
What does that even mean?
43
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,960
I don't know!
44
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960
Are you kidding me!
How could you write that?
45
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960
Today, I experimented
with trimming my pubes.
46
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,320
Not that. That!
47
00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:17,000
"Sometimes Lauren can be
proper selfish."
48
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,800
Argh, it's like turning your
privacy settings off on Facebook.
49
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,960
Everyone trims their pubes. Right?
50
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960
Do you all think I'm selfish?
51
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,960
Lauren, yes. Jason, sometimes.
52
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:30,960
Horace, you've gotta buy up every
copy of Time Bender and destroy it.
53
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:33,960
We've gotta cut off all links
to our past.
54
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:34,960
Fuck sake.
55
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
BOTTLE SMASHES
56
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:39,960
This place is a dump!
What happened to the cleaner woman?
57
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:57,960
Chairman Vadim is here from Moscow.
He has a job for you, Janice.
58
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:58,960
Watching television?
59
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,960
He believes many British
television stars are also spies.
60
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960
You have to watch
and identify suspects.
61
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:08,960
But I am field agent.
62
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:12,960
We think perhaps this
might be more your level.
63
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,960
TV: 'Mrs Pilkington wants me to go
to the market to buy some carrots.'
64
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:22,800
Oh, and, Janice, Chairman Vadim
insists you don't miss anything,
65
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:24,960
not even a second.
66
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,000
Thanks for helping me buy up all
these copies of Time Bender, Lauren.
67
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:37,960
Uh, see, nice person, not selfish,
doing things for other people.
68
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Hi.
69
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:44,960
Wow.
70
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:47,320
We'd like to buy up all your copies
of Time Bender, please.
71
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:50,160
HE CHUCKLES
72
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:54,960
THEY LAUGH
73
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,960
What are you laughing at?
74
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960
I have absolutely no idea, Lauren.
75
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,960
Time Bender's all sold out, sir.
76
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,960
Sold the last copy this morning.
77
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:02,960
Is that a joke?
78
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,960
No, us and every other book shop
in the city.
79
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,960
But it's just the ramblings
of a dickhead.
80
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,000
Lauren, I'm literally
standing right next to you.
81
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,960
This is probably the most important
science fiction book ever written.
82
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,800
Horace Cunningham's
imaginings of a future world
83
00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:16,960
are born of a unique mind.
84
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:20,960
iPhones, Deliveroo.
85
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:23,960
Porn Hub. Genius.
86
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,960
Question, who do you actually
think Horace Cunningham is?
87
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:31,960
No-one knows who Horace Cunningham
is, his identity is a mystery.
88
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:34,960
I have my theories though.
89
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:39,960
You've gotta tell people, Horace.
90
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,480
Yeah, but Nick said...
91
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,960
Fuck Nick. Did you see who that guy
said wrote your book?
92
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:44,960
All white people.
93
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:48,960
You are being whitewashed.
Reclaim it. Do it for us.
94
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:49,960
Do it for the culture.
95
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,960
MUMBLES: Can I be your manager
and split the money?
96
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:52,960
What was that last bit?
97
00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960
Reclaim it. Do it for us.
Do it for the culture.
98
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,960
MUMBLES: Can I be your manager
and split the money?
99
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,800
Lauren, you keep mumbling
at that last bit.
100
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,960
It doesn't matter. Come on, let's go
and save the world, Horace.
101
00:05:07,640 --> 00:05:08,960
Bad time?
102
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,960
No, no, I was just rinsing out
Geronimo.
103
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:14,960
My sheath has been rather busy
of late.
104
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,960
Oh, yeah, about that.
Look, sex isn't everything.
105
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,960
But I thought I hadn't lived
106
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:22,960
until I'd smashed my way
into double figures.
107
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,160
You shouldn't listen to everything
your bredrin tell you.
108
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,960
But that was you that said...
109
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,640
Let's not fight.
I'm on your side here, champ.
110
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I'm sorry, I'm confused.
111
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,960
Hormones can be confusing.
112
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
I just want you to know
that everything you're feeling
113
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,960
is normal for a boy of your age.
114
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:38,960
I'm 32.
115
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:42,960
My God. You've grown up so fast.
116
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,960
I think I see
what you're getting at.
117
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,640
You think Lauren and I are moving
too quickly?
118
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:49,800
A bit fast, yeah.
119
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,000
Ah, you're right, old sport.
120
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,960
I haven't been behaving
in a gentlemanly way whatsoever.
121
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,960
Thank you, Jason.
You really are so very wise.
122
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:00,960
Ooh.
123
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
Oh, there you are, Nicky Noo-nah.
124
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:12,480
I want you to meet a great chum
of mine. This is Ronnie.
125
00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:13,960
I know you two will get on famously.
126
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,960
Ronnie is one of the best jazz sax
players in the country.
127
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:19,960
But in the city, I'm awful.
128
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,960
THEY LAUGH
129
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960
He's a gas!
130
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:27,960
This is a lovely club
you've got here.
131
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,960
You know, I was thinking
of setting up my own one actually.
132
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960
Eurgh, tough business.
133
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:33,960
Oh, really?
134
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,960
Yeah, trust me.
Very hard to make money.
135
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,960
You really need to be on it.
136
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:41,960
Oh, probably right. Stupid idea.
137
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:45,320
Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club. Eurgh!
No, never would have caught on.
138
00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:46,640
Silly Ronnie.
139
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:47,800
Silly Ronnie.
140
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,480
Silly Ronnie!
141
00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,160
THEY LAUGH
142
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:52,960
You're Ronnie Scott?
143
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:53,960
Yes.
144
00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:55,960
Oh, shit.
145
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,960
Horace Cunningham will give you
an exclusive interview
146
00:06:58,960 --> 00:06:59,960
on your TV show.
147
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,960
That's right, THE Horace Cunningham.
148
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:06,960
Yeah, he wants to reveal
his identity.
149
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,960
I'm his manager.
150
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:08,960
KNOCKING
151
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,960
Fuck!
152
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,960
Will some fucker please invent
the smartphone! Come in!
153
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:16,160
No, not you. See you Friday.
154
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,320
Oh, cool.
155
00:07:18,320 --> 00:07:20,960
No, no, Lauren dear,
no rumpy pumpy this time.
156
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:24,960
I'm here to ask
if you would care to...
157
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,960
step out with me?
158
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,960
You wanna fight?
It's a bit weird, but...
159
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,960
No, I'd like to ask you
to afternoon tea some time.
160
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:37,960
That sounds dry, no thanks.
Take your pants off.
161
00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:39,960
I'm sorry, but I don't want
to have a relationship
162
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,960
just based upon intercourse.
163
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,000
I want to treat you like a lady.
164
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,960
But I'm not a lady.
And I don't like tea.
165
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:49,960
And all I wanna do is get right up
in those bad trousers
166
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960
and ride you like a broken seesaw,
so, that's a no from me.
167
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:53,960
I must insist.
168
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:58,960
Let me take you out or I'm afraid
I can't continue to be your...
169
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:01,960
Fuck buddy?
Quite.
170
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:06,960
All right, fine, we'll go to stupid,
shitty, boring afternoon tea.
171
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,960
Capital! We can wear hats.
172
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:12,960
Toodle pip.
173
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:20,000
JAZZ MUSIC
174
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:34,960
APPLAUSE
175
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:43,800
You know, Stan Gets and Stuff Smith
are forming a new band together.
176
00:08:43,800 --> 00:08:44,960
Wow, really?
177
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:46,960
Yes, it's called
the Get Stuffed Quintet.
178
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:47,960
CYMBAL SOUNDS
179
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Thank you.
HE LAUGHS
180
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:53,000
Edgy humour.
181
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,320
Yes, it's a good joke, very funny.
182
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:56,960
Listen, about the club,
183
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,960
I don't want it putting you off
starting your own.
184
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:04,320
But you said it was a tough business
and very hard to make any money.
185
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,320
You got me, yes, I did say that,
186
00:09:08,320 --> 00:09:10,960
but I just feel like you would make
a better go of it than me.
187
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,960
In fact, I'd say, and, you know,
this is just a hunch,
188
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960
but if you did start
your own jazz club
189
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:20,960
it would probably go on to be
the most important jazz venue
190
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,160
in the world.
191
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,800
HE LAUGHS
192
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:25,960
That's quite a prediction.
193
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
Like I said, just a hunch.
194
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,960
Actually, I have seen a cracking
little venue in Soho.
195
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:32,960
Yes! That, do that.
196
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,960
Maybe I will.
197
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,960
Good.
Yes.
198
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:37,960
Yes.
199
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,640
Er, fancy playing
the opening night?
200
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:45,960
Oh, my God, yes!
201
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
OK.
THEY LAUGH
202
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,960
Great.
203
00:09:54,960 --> 00:10:01,960
"May 12th, feeling well vexed,
my Oyster card was on minus 60p,
204
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:04,960
"so had to schlep home
from Wagamamas.
205
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:08,960
"Nana just bought a brand-new
Sony Bravia super HD flat screen
206
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,320
"to watch the royal wedding.
207
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:14,960
"Is it weird I kind of fancy Oprah?"
208
00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:18,480
That was an excerpt
from Time Bender,
209
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,960
the science fiction novel currently
topping the bestseller's list.
210
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,960
I'm joined tonight
by Casper Barnstable of The Times,
211
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:28,000
we'll be discussing the novel
and its place in the literary canon.
212
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,960
Lauren, I can't do it.
213
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,000
These people are proper clever,
they're never gonna believe me.
214
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,960
Just put on your best white person
voice. Like at job interviews.
215
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,480
What happened to doing it for us?
The culture?
216
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,960
Well, you know, we're bringing
the system down from within.
217
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:47,960
In Horace, you've created something
of a risible, pathetic character,
218
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:48,960
yet used your own name.
219
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:53,160
Would you say the book is
something of a post-modern memoir,
220
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:55,960
or is it a satire
on Freud's psychic apparatus?
221
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,960
POSH VOICE: Absolutely.
222
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:04,960
And food plays
a very prominent role, doesn't it?
223
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:07,960
Particularly KFC.
224
00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:11,960
Tell me, what exactly is
a boneless banquet for one?
225
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:17,960
POSH VOICE: Put simply, Casper,
it's three mini breast fillets,
226
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,960
popcorn chicken, fries and a side.
227
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,960
'And would that be the same
as getting a boner?'
228
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:27,960
'No, that's...
I'd rather not talk about that.'
229
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:31,960
When Horace is 14,
he is heavily influenced
230
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,960
by a musical genre
you've called UK Garage.
231
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:38,960
What do you imagine
that would sound like?
232
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:43,480
POSH VOICE: Well, it rather sounds
something like...
233
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:45,960
Hardcore, you know the score
234
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,960
Rhyme so good
It deserve an encore
235
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,960
All about the style we bring
Will make you laugh
236
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,960
Like when you was
A little child again
237
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
Smooth, that's how I roll
238
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:55,960
I got so much soul
That when I step into the party
239
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,960
I wanna move somebody,
I wanna move somebody...
240
00:11:58,960 --> 00:11:59,960
What an incredible mind.
241
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,960
Stop! How dya like my...
How dya like my...
242
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,960
How do you like my...
Style, style, style. Switch!
243
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:09,960
Get down already.
244
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,960
Hey, the best thing happened, yeah.
245
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,960
I gave JJ some advice
and he listened.
246
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
Why is Horace advertising lard?
247
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:29,960
I don't know. Nick, being a dad
is such a spiritual feeling.
248
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:32,960
I think I'm gonna ask Victoria to go
halves on another baby with me.
249
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,960
Yeah, cool. Listen, I gotta go.
250
00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,000
Oh, do you mind leaving that?
251
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,480
Oh, what,
you gonna practise reading?
252
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,960
No, we're out of toilet roll
and that's just thick enough
253
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,960
that my finger won't
go into my butthole.
254
00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:48,960
What the fuck?
255
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:51,960
Switch!
Hardcore, you know the score
256
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,320
Rhyme so good
It deserve an encore
257
00:12:53,320 --> 00:12:55,960
All about the style we bring
Will make you laugh
258
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Like when you was
A little child again
259
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,160
Smooth, that's how I roll
260
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,480
I got so much soul
That when I step into the party
261
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:04,320
I wanna move somebody,
I wanna move somebody
262
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,800
Do you really like it?
Do you really like it?
263
00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:09,160
We're lovin' it, lovin' it,
Lovin' it
264
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,800
We're lovin' it like that
265
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:14,960
Do you really like it?
Is it, is it wicked?
266
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,960
We're lovin' it, lovin' it,
Lovin' it...
267
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:19,960
No, I do not really, really like it.
268
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,000
How ya like my...
How ya like my... How ya like my...
269
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,960
Style! Style!
270
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,480
What the fuck?
271
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,160
Yeah, so everything's got
a little bit out of hand.
272
00:13:28,160 --> 00:13:29,960
I'm actually quite a big deal
at the moment.
273
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,960
I'm surprised you haven't noticed.
274
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Well, I've been a bit busy
275
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,960
trying to save jazz for
all of mankind, actually, Horace.
276
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:36,960
Jazz is fine.
277
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:40,960
Jazz is dead.
Tonight, I witnessed the future.
278
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
No, Ronnie, jazz is the future.
279
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,960
Not according to Time Bender.
280
00:13:44,960 --> 00:13:47,960
Exactly. That's why I'm pieing off
this whole jazz club idea
281
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,960
and I'm launching
Ronnie Scott's UK Garage Club
282
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:51,960
in the heart of Soho.
283
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,960
Bound for the re... load!
284
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,480
Blerka, blerka!
285
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,960
Yeah!
286
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:02,960
If you've killed jazz,
I will never forgive you.
287
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,960
Don't be like that.
288
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:09,960
Check it out. Your advance
for the sequel. Time Bender 2022.
289
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,960
Oh, there must be
about ?1 million in there.
290
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:14,960
No, actually it's three grand,
but that's Jay-Z money these days.
291
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:15,960
HE CHUCKLES
292
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:18,960
Wait, I don't remember
agreeing to write a sequel.
293
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:20,960
Yeah, you were busy,
so I, er, did it for you.
294
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,640
You better get started, I told
them you'd be done by Wednesday.
295
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,960
It's Tuesday. I can't write another
Time Bender book.
296
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
Course you can.
You did the first one, didn't you?
297
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,480
Yeah, but that was just my diary.
298
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,960
I wrote down stuff that happened
and that.
299
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,960
Yeah, so then just write down stuff
that might happen.
300
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:35,960
You're a writer now.
301
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,960
A writer.
302
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:44,480
POSH VOICE: Well I suppose I am.
Mm-hmm.
303
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:54,960
Hmm.
304
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,960
FAST JAZZ MUSIC
305
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,960
Oh, cocoa pod.
306
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:03,960
Come, we're having
a UK Garage party.
307
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,800
Sick.
308
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,960
Freddie has made his own
Adidas tracky B's.
309
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,160
And I've got Nike Air Maximums.
310
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960
Listen, babes, I've got something
important I wanna talk to you about.
311
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:15,960
Is everything all right?
312
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,320
It's fine, baby love,
it's more than fine.
313
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:20,960
Look... being a parent's been
the best thing
314
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:21,960
that's ever happened to me,
315
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,960
so I was thinking...
let's do some more special cuddles
316
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:26,960
and have another baby.
317
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:30,960
You want us to have another child?
318
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:32,960
Let's complete the family.
319
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,000
The thing is, poppet,
320
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:38,960
we're somewhat broke right now
and babies are terribly expensive.
321
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:41,960
I'll get a job. There's gotta be
a Sports Direct round here.
322
00:15:41,960 --> 00:15:44,960
It's not just that, darling,
it's just, oh...
323
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,960
How can I put it? I can't...
324
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,960
..be bothered.
We're having too much fun.
325
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,960
A baby's such a terrible drag
on your social life.
326
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
Come on, darling, let's dance.
327
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,960
Hettie's on the ones and twos.
328
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960
Bass.
329
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:08,960
You finished?
330
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,960
POSH VOICE: Not quite.
331
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:13,960
Horace, mate, there's about
a thousand geeks camped outside
332
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,960
waiting for this book.
333
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,960
POSH VOICE: I can't do it.
My muse has simply abandoned me.
334
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,000
I'm not being funny,
but you did sign a contract.
335
00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,960
No, I didn't.
336
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:24,960
All right, I signed a contract,
337
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:27,160
but I did it in your name,
so, same thing.
338
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:28,960
POSH VOICE: I can't work like this!
339
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:31,000
Just write something
about getting a new phone.
340
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:34,960
POSH VOICE: Who can you possibly say
what mobile phones will look like
341
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:35,960
in 2022.
342
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:39,640
It's simply inconceivable to imagine
what may come after the iPhone 10S.
343
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,960
Horace, I don't wanna put you
under any pressure,
344
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,960
but you are the voice
of a generation.
345
00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:48,960
And I've spent the advance
on a shitty feather hat, so...
346
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,000
SHE CLAPS
347
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,960
..chop, chop!
348
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:53,960
I don't hear typing.
349
00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,960
Thank you for agreeing to this.
350
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,000
I'd like to start again
with our courtship.
351
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,960
This time, adhering
to good old-fashioned values.
352
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:06,960
Is that OK?
Not really.
353
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,960
Darling, what is it you object to?
354
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:11,480
Chaperone's a bit weird for a start.
355
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,640
Thanks anyway, Agatha.
356
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:20,960
Lauren, I just want us
to get to know each other
357
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:22,000
without any distractions.
358
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:27,960
Pfft! What? Oh, sorry, yeah.
359
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,960
Let's talk then.
360
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:30,960
Well...
361
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:38,960
Do...
362
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,960
Mmm.
363
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,960
Shall we go and have intercourse?
364
00:17:58,960 --> 00:17:59,960
Fuck yeah.
365
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Something on your mind?
366
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,960
POSH VOICE: Oh, it's useless.
I can't write.
367
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:10,960
I know what you mean, bruv.
All them words, all them letters.
368
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:11,960
It's confusing.
369
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,960
No, I can't finish my book.
370
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,960
I'm gonna disappoint
thousands of people.
371
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:18,960
Fuck!
372
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:20,960
What's getting you down?
373
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,320
Victoria doesn't wanna have
another baby with me.
374
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:25,480
At least you don't have Nick
moaning at you for...
375
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:26,960
IMITATES NICK:
..messing up the future.
376
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:28,320
That guy's losing it, I swear.
377
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,960
Like banging on about
the space-time condominium and that.
378
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,640
He's bare paranoid.
379
00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:35,480
If I told the world the truth
about coming here in a time machine,
380
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:36,960
I guarantee nothing would happen.
381
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:38,960
Trust.
382
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:39,960
Fuck!
383
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,960
Actually... that could work.
384
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,960
I could tell my fans
I'm an actual time traveller,
385
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,960
they won't care that
there's no new Time Bender
386
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,960
if they know that
I'm from the future.
387
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:50,960
Girls would go nuts for it.
388
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:51,960
You think?
389
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,960
Guaranteed, bruv.
390
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,960
Who don't wanna have sex
with the future?
391
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:56,960
Thanks, Jace.
392
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,960
I really feel like we've made
a breakthrough here.
393
00:18:58,960 --> 00:18:59,960
Who needs Nick?
394
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,960
Nick the prick.
395
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:02,960
GLASSES CHINK
396
00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:05,800
BOTH: Fuck!
397
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,960
So, the thing is, Cynthia,
there will be no Time Bender 2022
398
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:13,480
because where I'm from, 2022 hasn't
happened yet, do you understand?
399
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,160
Where you're from being...?
400
00:19:17,480 --> 00:19:18,640
2019.
401
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:21,960
Of course.
402
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,800
So, the truth is, me and my friends
are from the future.
403
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:26,960
Well, your future.
404
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:28,960
It's, kind of, my past
except we didn't come in a phone box
405
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:31,960
'like Doctor Who, not that you know
who that is yet,
406
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:32,960
'cos it hasn't happened,'
407
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,640
but I swear, when you do,
you'll like him, or her.
408
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,160
Spoiler alert. Oh, shit, sorry.
409
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,960
I'm waffling, I'm nervous.
The fact of the matter is...
410
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,960
..I'm a time traveller.
411
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,960
What the fuck you do that for?
412
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,960
Don't worry, Lauren,
my fans will believe me.
413
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:54,800
Liar! Liar! Liar!
414
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,640
OK, seems to have backfired.
415
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,960
PHONE RINGS
416
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,960
Hello? Ronnie Scott's Jazz Club.
417
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:11,960
Jazz club?
What happened to the UK Garage?
418
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,960
Nick! No, no-one's listening
to UK Garage any more, Nick.
419
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,960
No. There's only so many times
420
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,960
you can listen to someone
shout "selecta"
421
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,960
without actually wondering what
it is you're meant to be selecting.
422
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,960
I cannot tell you how relieved I am
to hear you say that.
423
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,960
So, how's the opening night going?
424
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960
Rather slowly, I'll be honest.
425
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,960
The bouncers are simply
chucking them in. Not out, in.
426
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:36,960
HE LAUGHS
427
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:40,800
Very good. Hey, I'm sure things will
pick up when me and my band play.
428
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:44,160
Yes, Nick, about that,
I don't think that we can have
429
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:48,960
your band playing, what with the way
your singer is and all.
430
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:49,960
Horace?
431
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:50,960
He's completely lost the plot.
432
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:54,960
Reckons he's travelled
from the year 2019 in a lift,
433
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,000
we've had to book General Hans
instead.
434
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,160
'Fuck sake!'
435
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,960
Oh, don't worry, Nick, all the best
jazz heads are a bit mad.
436
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,640
HE LAUGHS
437
00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:05,960
What the fuck?
438
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:06,960
I made a mistake.
439
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
Oh! You reckon?
440
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
Nick, you get very sassy
when you're angry.
441
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:11,960
HIGH PITCHED: Bitch!
442
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,960
Look, I'm sorry, but I need
to explain it all to Lauren.
443
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:15,960
SEX NOISES
444
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,160
Actually, I think I'll catch her
tomorrow instead.
445
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,960
How many times did I need
to say to you, Horace,
446
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:21,960
don't talk about being...
447
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960
WHISPERS: from the future.
448
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,960
What does it matter? Turns out
no-one takes me seriously anyway.
449
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,640
You need to just relax.
450
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:31,960
Nothing bad is gonna happen
because no-one's watching us.
451
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,960
TV: 'The fact of the matter is...
I'm a time traveller.'
452
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,960
Janice has gone. We've checked
everywhere. What do we do?
453
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,160
Argh! You find her!
454
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,160
Grr, hmm.
455
00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,960
Oh, and whilst we're here,
456
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,960
not all people in the future
wax their back, sack and crack.
457
00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:56,480
Just some people... including me...
458
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:58,960
..as a treat.
459
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,960
Subtitles by TVT
460
00:22:01,010 --> 00:22:05,560
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