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1
00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,960
Mmm, summer is hearts.
2
00:00:08,960 --> 00:00:11,960
Yeah. Sun's out, buns out.
3
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,960
BIKE BELL DINGS
Oi oi! Lucky saddle!
4
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,960
Urgh, gross.
Summer of love, big bro.
5
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:17,960
Girl's gotta eat.
6
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:21,320
Sweethearts! Are we perching
on doorsteps nowadays?
7
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,640
How charmingly down at heel.
8
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:25,160
Just catching a few rays
while we can.
9
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,960
What d'ya know, I didn't think
you chaps could tan!
10
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:29,960
Nice.
11
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,960
Excuse me.
Hi, JJ.
12
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,960
What are you doing?
What do you care?
13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:36,960
He's my son, innit.
14
00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:41,960
Oh, shit, yeah, I forgot to say.
15
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,960
So when we were in the '20s,
I got Victoria pregnant
16
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:46,960
and now I've got a son
who's five years older than me.
17
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,000
Yeah, probably should have
mentioned that.
18
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,640
Soz.
19
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,960
He's definitely got your forehead.
20
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:06,960
I can't believe that
sexy caramel latte is your son.
21
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,960
Can everyone shut up
while I work what to do.
22
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:09,960
While you work out what to do?
23
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:10,960
This is my decision.
24
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:12,960
I've made up my mind,
I'm keeping my baby!
25
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,960
He's a full-grown adult man.
26
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:17,160
My God, you're right.
27
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,960
I've got so much to catch up on.
28
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:20,960
I've gotta teach him to swim,
to shave.
29
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,960
To get dope waves with a do-rag.
30
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:25,960
Well, I, for one, am very happy
for you, Jason.
31
00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:26,960
Oh! Shotgun godfather.
32
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:28,960
I'm just saying...
33
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
if 32-year-old JJ
34
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,960
finds out that 27-year-old Jason
is his father,
35
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:36,960
he's gonna find it a bit weird,
36
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,960
and then it's just a matter of time
37
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,960
before he figures out
that we're from the future
38
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,960
and that we came here
in a time machine!
39
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,960
Nah, I think you're being
a bit paranoid, Nick.
40
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,960
Oh, am I? Am I?!
41
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,960
If it gets out,
people will talk to people,
42
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:51,960
who will talk to people,
43
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:53,960
who will talk to spy people.
44
00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:54,960
I'm not gonna lie to you,
45
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,960
I don't think anyone really listens
to black people in the '50s.
46
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,960
Wake up and smell
the news-coffee, Horace!
47
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:02,960
It's the Cold War!
48
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:04,960
Everyone's being watched,
even black people.
49
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,160
Stupid Russian spies,
ruining everything.
50
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,960
Right, yeah, so that,
51
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:11,960
but if JJ ever needs tucking up
in bed, you give me a shout, yeah?
52
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,160
OK, Lauren. I'm gonna say something
really important.
53
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:16,960
You can tell cos
this is my important face,
54
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,960
you see that?
I see it.
55
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Do not smash my son. Do you
understand? Well, what if I...
56
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
I'll say it again, Lauren!
57
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:24,960
Do not...
58
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
smash...
59
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:28,960
my son.
60
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Fine.
61
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:32,960
I won't smash your son.
62
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:35,960
Oh.
63
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:37,960
Wha'm, baby-love?
64
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,960
Actually, I'm just saying goodbye
to Mummy before I go to work.
65
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,160
Oh.
Ooh.
66
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,000
Obviously, you want this.
67
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:45,960
I want this.
68
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:46,960
But I appreciate it's the '50s
69
00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,960
and you guys like
a softly-softly approach
70
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:52,640
so I'm gonna give you 24 hours to...
71
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:53,960
make it happen.
72
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,960
A fine offer.
73
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,960
Alas, my mother's currently writing
invitations for a debutante's ball,
74
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:00,960
she wants to find me a wife.
75
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,960
Oh, this is going to be
the blast of all blasts.
76
00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,960
I'm inviting society's
wealthiest ladies.
77
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:10,160
We'll have you married off to
a pimply young virgin in no time.
78
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,960
This party could give you
the life that I had -
79
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,000
yachting on the Med,
80
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:17,960
drinking Krug
out of a Maharajah's turban,
81
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
making love on a zeppelin.
82
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:21,960
I could give you all those things.
83
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,960
Obviously, not the yacht
or the turban,
84
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,960
and I don't really know
what a zeppelin is,
85
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,960
but the sex thing I am all over.
86
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:33,960
If I were courting, rest assured
you would be top of my dance card.
87
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960
JJ! Ooh, wait up!
88
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:38,960
Almost missed you there, champ.
89
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:40,960
Fancy a... kick-about?
90
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,640
Erm...
91
00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,960
No. Thank you. I'm just off to work.
92
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,000
What time do you finish?
93
00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,000
Five, but I...
94
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,960
I'll be there. Promise.
95
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
A few sweeties.
96
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,960
WHISPERS: Don't tell your mum.
97
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,960
Lovely. Off you go.
98
00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:02,960
And don't talk to strangers!
99
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,960
RUSSIAN ACCENT:
This is Janice from Huddersfield
100
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
calling Trevor from Skegness.
101
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,480
Come in, Trevor.
102
00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:13,960
'Trevor is out.
This is Alan from Grimsby.'
103
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,960
Alan, please tell Trevor
that I need more time.
104
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960
I will have the dossier
with him by noon tomorrow.
105
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,960
'No, you have had long enough.
106
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:24,960
'If Trevor is not reading your
dossier by breakfast tomorrow,
107
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:25,960
'we are bringing you in.'
108
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,800
Breakfast?
109
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,960
You must understand.
110
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,960
I believe I am on the verge
of discovering...
111
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,960
secret time-travelling technology.
112
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:37,960
'Hm. Interesting.
113
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:38,960
'When were you thinking?'
114
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Brunch?
115
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:41,960
'What is brunch?'
116
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:44,960
It is after breakfast,
before lunch, erm...
117
00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:47,480
You know, 11:00, 11:30
if you wanna be loose with it.
118
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,960
'OK, brunch is fine.'
119
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,640
Oh, good. Give me your stuff.
120
00:04:58,640 --> 00:04:59,960
What you doing? I just upgraded.
121
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:03,960
I am destroying everything that
proves we're from the future world.
122
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:05,960
Bro, what the fuck?
Can I keep my diary?
123
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,960
No, of course not!
124
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:08,960
Still think you're being paranoid.
125
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:11,960
You're being not paranoid
if they're watching you.
126
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,640
D'you know what?
127
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,960
I'm actually ready
to forget the future.
128
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:17,960
I belong here with my family.
129
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,960
Feels weird, though,
like burning all our stuff
130
00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,960
actually means we're not going back.
131
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,160
Oh, don't worry, mate, Nick can't
start a fire anyway. Oh, yeah?
132
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:27,960
Tell that to my
Duke of Edinburgh Gold, bitch!
133
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,960
Gold.
134
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
Wait, no, one sec.
135
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:37,160
Gold.
136
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,960
Gold.
No, no, no. Wait, bear with me.
137
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,160
No, no, come back.
138
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:43,960
Getting embarrassing.
139
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:45,960
What are you crying for?
140
00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:50,960
JJ!
141
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:52,960
JJ! Over here!
142
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:56,960
See. Promised
I'd meet you after work.
143
00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,960
Right, I've got lots planned for us
144
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960
and I told your mum
I'd have you home by seven.
145
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:04,960
HE YELPS
146
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:06,960
Would you like to go higher?
No.
147
00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,960
This height will suffice,
thank you.
148
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,960
So, you excited for your party?
149
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:12,960
Find yourself a lady for life?
150
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,480
You're what, 32?
151
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,960
Yeah, time to settle.
152
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960
You've been smashing it
since you were what? 15?
153
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,640
14?
154
00:06:20,640 --> 00:06:21,960
13?
155
00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:23,960
Raw.
Hardly.
156
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,160
I went from boarding school
into the army,
157
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,960
and at Cambridge, the girls
were more keen to study than neck.
158
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960
Whoa!
159
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:33,960
You mean you've never...?
160
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,960
Oh, if we're...
161
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,960
talking about what I think
we're talking about, then...
162
00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:41,960
not really.
Whoa, that is bleak.
163
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,800
But it's not too late.
164
00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:45,960
Sure, get yourself a wife
at the party,
165
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,960
but you gotta get smashing
before that.
166
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,960
Till you've smashed
through double figures,
167
00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:51,960
you ain't lived.
168
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:52,960
Smash it.
169
00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:55,000
OK, my go.
170
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,960
Woo! Hee-hee!
171
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960
RADIO FREQUENCIES BUZZ
172
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:05,960
CLANG
173
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,960
Help! Help!
174
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,480
Help! My foot's stuck in the bucket!
175
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:12,800
HE CHUCKLES
176
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:13,960
No, nothing?
177
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,960
My name's Horace, by the way.
178
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:18,960
Janice Higginthwaite.
179
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:20,960
I was born in Huddersfield.
180
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:25,160
I went on to study technical drawing
at Hartlepool Arts College.
181
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,960
Oh.
182
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,000
Horace Cunningham.
I was born in Peckham.
183
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,960
I studied BTEC level 1 in Childcare
and I'm allergic to yeast.
184
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,480
You're a very warm person.
185
00:07:34,480 --> 00:07:36,960
Oh, sorry, my hands get really
sweaty when I'm nervous.
186
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960
You're funny.
187
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,960
So, Victoria's having
this party for JJ.
188
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960
Obviously, you know that because
you're doing the decorations,
189
00:07:46,960 --> 00:07:49,960
which look delightful, by the way.
190
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,320
Ah...
191
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:56,480
Anyway, I was thinking of
maybe going to said party,
192
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,800
and I was thinking of maybe
taking someone with me,
193
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,960
but then I thought,
"Don't be stupid, Horace!
194
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,960
"Who's gonna wanna go with you
anywhere? Dickhead."
195
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:09,320
But then I had this crazy idea
that maybe... Well...
196
00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:12,160
Yes?
197
00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:13,960
Well, uh... Would you...
198
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:14,960
NICK: 'Fire!
199
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,800
'Man has made fire!'
200
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:17,960
What is Nicholas doing?
201
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,640
Oh, he's just burning
all of our stuff.
202
00:08:19,640 --> 00:08:21,960
I must go.
203
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,800
No, Janice...!
204
00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:29,960
I can help you.
No, thanks.
205
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,960
Really, it's no trouble.
Seriously, back off.
206
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
It took me five hours
to get this going.
207
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,640
Uh... because the wood was damp.
208
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,000
You're a very...
209
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,960
alluring man.
210
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,960
Oh, are you a groupie?
211
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,480
Is this because I'm in a band?
212
00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:53,960
Yes.
213
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,800
Amazing!
214
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:57,960
So, uh... how does this work?
215
00:08:57,960 --> 00:08:59,960
I mean, do we just
go straight to it, or...?
216
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,960
Yes.
Ah, sweet.
217
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,960
I knew those trumpet lessons
would pay off eventually.
218
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:06,160
So what I meant to say was,
219
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,960
"Would you like to come
to the ball with me?"
220
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,640
Oh.
221
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,960
Oh, all right, uh...
222
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,640
Is this nice?
223
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,960
That's really nice.
224
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
All right?
225
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:30,960
Got your invite.
226
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,960
Stiff card, gold embossed.
227
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:34,960
I like to do things properly.
228
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,960
Oh.
229
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960
Nice place.
230
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,960
What the fuck is that?!
Oh, that's Bertie.
231
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,480
He's my tortoise.
232
00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:45,960
Oh, he's such a character.
233
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,960
Aren't you, Bertie?
My little tortywortoise.
234
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:49,960
Yes, you are, my boy.
235
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Right, well, I thought you were NFI.
236
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,960
Not Fucking Interested.
237
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:56,480
I...
238
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,640
took some advice from a friend.
239
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,960
Please sit.
240
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,960
We have boeuf en croute,
241
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,960
potatoes gratin.
242
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:06,960
Cool.
243
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
What's for pud?
Spotted dick.
244
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,960
Fuck, yeah!
245
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:11,960
Let's eat!
246
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:15,960
Oh, cracking spread.
247
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,640
What was that again, something feet?
248
00:10:17,640 --> 00:10:18,960
Chateau Lafite.
249
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,160
My favourite.
250
00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:22,960
Right, shall we away to the boudoir?
251
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,960
There's something different
about you, Lauren.
252
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,960
I can't quite put my finger on it.
253
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,960
Come through to the boudoir and
I'll help you put your finger on it.
254
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,960
I'm talking dirty, work with me.
255
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
256
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,960
I must admit,
I'm rather new to all this.
257
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:40,960
Well, don't worry, I'm not.
258
00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:43,960
Why don't we just start with some
heavy petting and see what happens.
259
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,960
OK.
260
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,960
Well...
261
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,960
Something the matter?
262
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
Nah, just getting this odd feeling.
263
00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:54,960
Is it the spotted dick repeating?
264
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,960
No, it's...
265
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,960
it's guilt.
266
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
I promised someone
I wouldn't do this.
267
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:02,960
Someone special in your life?
268
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,960
Yeah, me. Which is why
it's so weird I give a shit.
269
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:07,960
What the fuck is wrong with me?
270
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,960
What were you doing in there?
Nothing!
271
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:16,960
We didn't even dry hump.
Oh, thank God,
272
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,960
because the idea of
you and my baby boy, eurgh!
273
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:20,960
What's that supposed to mean?
274
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:21,960
You know...
275
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,480
you're trash.
What?
276
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:24,960
I mean, you're nasty.
277
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:25,960
But you know that, right?
278
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:28,960
I mean, that's why we love you.
You're trash, but...
279
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,640
in a good way.
280
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,960
But not in a way I'd want you
near my beautiful baby boy.
281
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,960
Screw you, Jason.
282
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,960
Screw you.
283
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:40,960
And screw your son,
who I'm gonna screw to screw you.
284
00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:41,960
What?
Yeah, that's right.
285
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:44,480
I'm gonna bang your boy.
286
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,960
I'm gonna bang...
287
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,960
his... brains...
288
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:49,960
out.
289
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:50,960
HE GASPS
290
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,960
You will not!
291
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960
You will not touch
the apple of my eye!
292
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,800
I'm gonna bang him.
293
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:04,960
Oh, that's nice.
294
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:07,960
Mm.
I'm very aroused.
295
00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:09,960
Very...
HE GROANS
296
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,960
Wow. This is amazing.
297
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,960
Sorry. Oh, sorry. Erm...
just to check,
298
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,960
this is entirely consensual
299
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,960
and you're not looking for
any kind of commitment?
300
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:24,960
Of course.
Oh, great.
301
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,960
I'm gonna go wash my penis.
302
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,960
Ah! Bozhe moi!
303
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,640
Victoria...
304
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,960
why does my club
look like a shit circus?
305
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,960
Isn't it scrumptious?
306
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:44,000
It's for JJ's debutante ball.
307
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,960
No. No!
This is a sacred church of jazz.
308
00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,960
Oh, Nicky Noo-Nah,
you must understand.
309
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,960
I simply couldn't host
the cream of London society
310
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960
in a house
where four black chaps live.
311
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:59,000
Many of my esteemed guests
are rather...
312
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,960
Oh, sorry, what is that word
you keep on saying?
313
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:03,960
Racist.
314
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Exactly. Some of them
are rather that.
315
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,960
Great. So I have to welcome
a bunch of bigots into my jazz club.
316
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,960
Drippingly rich bigots, darling.
317
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,960
That said, if anyone asks,
318
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:19,320
JJ is brown because I lay with
an Italian prince, understood?
319
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:22,480
I just want you to know that this
goes against all of my principles.
320
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:23,640
Uh- huh.
321
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,960
Now, do you think I should lay
the amphetamines on every table?
322
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,160
Oh, darling, why are you washing
your penis in the sink?
323
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,960
I'm gonna go have sex
with the cleaning lady. Marvellous!
324
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,320
Nothing like a good root
with the help.
325
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:36,800
Have fun.
Thank you.
326
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,960
HE WHISTLES
327
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
Hello?
328
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,000
Cleaning woman?
329
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,160
Hello?
330
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,960
HE SIGHS
331
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960
Washed my penis for nothing.
332
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:58,160
This is Janice calling Alan.
Come in, Alan.
333
00:13:58,160 --> 00:13:59,960
'This is Alan.'
334
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Great news.
335
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,960
The dossier is complete.
336
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,960
'You have the evidence?'
337
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:07,640
A diary, it's all the proof we need.
338
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,960
Alan, what will happen
to the targets?
339
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:14,960
'Oh, the usual.
340
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:16,960
'We'll bring them in,
interrogate them,
341
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:17,960
'and anally probe them
342
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:22,320
'at our underground research
facility in Nizhny Novgorod.'
343
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,960
Hello.
Oh, hello.
344
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:26,960
Just thought I'd pop out
for a sit down.
345
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:28,960
I love a good sit down, don't you?
346
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,800
What is that you're holding?
347
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,320
It's called a corsage.
I made it from wild flowers.
348
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,960
I was gonna give it to you
when I asked you to the ball,
349
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,960
but it doesn't matter now, cos
you're going with Nick, innit, so...
350
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,960
Why would you think that?
351
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:42,960
I saw you two together.
352
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,960
That was not what it looked like.
353
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,960
It's all right, like.
354
00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:52,960
Nick's a really nice guy, you know,
so I'm happy for you both.
355
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,960
I'll just throw this
in the bin, then.
356
00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:01,960
Der'mo.
357
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960
Good morning.
It's about to be.
358
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:17,960
I thought I was off limits.
You're back on.
359
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:18,960
In a big way.
360
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
VICTORIA: 'JJ, darling!'
361
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,480
Are you serious?!
362
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960
Look how many people are coming
to your debutante ball!
363
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,960
Are you all right, darling?
364
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,960
You look a little qwah-qwah.
Yep. Fine.
365
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Oh, golly, were you playing with
your little soldier? No! Mother...
366
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,960
Don't worry, darling,
it's perfectly natural.
367
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,160
Would you like to borrow some of
mummy's lingerie catalogues?
368
00:15:39,160 --> 00:15:40,960
No, thank you.
369
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Well... keep a little in reserve
370
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,640
because, miracle upon miracles,
371
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:46,960
all the invites we've sent out
have come back with a yes!
372
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,960
The Smedgley-Smythes,
the Marquess of Cheam.
373
00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:52,800
Only the Earl of Huntsmead
declined
374
00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,960
because Lady Regina
died of lockjaw in the Sudan.
375
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:55,960
Ah, excellent news.
376
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,960
I know, isn't it!
377
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:58,960
So, carry on.
378
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:02,320
Just keep it
off the valance, darling.
379
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,960
Oh, to be young and virile.
380
00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:10,800
I'm terribly sorry, Lauren, but
I'm not really in the mood any more.
381
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,000
Yeah, me neither.
382
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,320
I found your tortoise.
383
00:16:16,320 --> 00:16:17,960
Bertie.
384
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,000
My angel lover
385
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,320
I swear by all the stars
386
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,960
That there could be no other
387
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
I hold you in my arms
388
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960
And dreams come true today...
389
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,960
Right...
390
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,960
let's get ready to party
with 50 teenage virgins!
391
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,960
No, no, no, no, no, precious.
392
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,960
No jiggery-pokery.
I've only got eyes for you.
393
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960
Oh, my chocolate eclair!
394
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:48,960
Mummy, Princess Margaret is outside.
395
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Margaret is not a virgin,
I know that as a fact!
396
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
She's not going to get her
dirty paws on you. Tell her no.
397
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Ooh, can I touch your skin?
398
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,320
Can I smash your teeth in?
399
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,800
GLASS SMASHES
400
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:03,960
Where's that cleaning woman?
401
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,960
That "cleaning woman" has a name.
402
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,960
Yeah, what is it?
403
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960
I said she has a name,
I didn't say I know it.
404
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,960
It's Janice.
405
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,960
Janice Higginthwaite.
406
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,960
No, Margaret, you dirty cat!
407
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,320
You're soiled goods and you know it!
408
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:21,960
Out!
MARGARET SCREAMS
409
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:22,960
THUD
410
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:27,960
I was wrong, Alan.
411
00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,960
The targets are of no interest.
412
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:31,960
I believed that their peculiar ways
413
00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,960
were because
they were from the future.
414
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,960
But on reflection, it is because
they are immigrants
415
00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:38,960
and merely acting in the manner
of their homeland.
416
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960
'Weeks in the field,
and you say this now?
417
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,960
'That you have wasted your time?'
418
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,960
I do not feel as though
I have wasted my time.
419
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,960
'What? What do you mean?
420
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,960
'Hello? Hello?
421
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,640
'Are you there?
422
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:53,960
'Janice?
423
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:54,960
'Hello?'
424
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960
Do what lovers do
425
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,160
Right from the start...
426
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:04,960
Honestly, I've never seen
427
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,960
such a boring bunch of baa baa's
in my life.
428
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,800
Oh, my God, look at that one.
429
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,960
Darling, this is
Lady Morag of Falkirk,
430
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,960
heiress to the Caruthers estate.
431
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,960
Lady Morag, your gift.
432
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:23,960
And apparently, Lady Morag
is going to sing a metrical psalm.
433
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:24,960
Ooh!
434
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960
Keep an open mind, darling,
she's incredibly rich.
435
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:36,000
Whom have I in the heavens high
436
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:39,960
But thee, O Lord...
437
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:43,960
You see, that's the kind of girl my
little boy should be getting with.
438
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,960
She dresses like a shit nan.
439
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,800
Well, maybe not her, but you know,
like one of them.
440
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,480
They're sophisticated, educated...
441
00:18:51,480 --> 00:18:52,960
Racist.
442
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:54,960
D'you know Victoria's
tellin' everyone JJ's dusky
443
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:55,960
because he's half Italian?
444
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:58,000
Yeah, well, baby needs new shoes.
445
00:18:58,000 --> 00:18:59,960
You're quiet, Horace.
446
00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,960
You all right?
447
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:02,960
I suppose.
448
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:03,960
Cool.
449
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,320
Fancy livening this party up?
450
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,800
I've had more fun
getting my pum-pum waxed.
451
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,480
I could do a number. I suppose this
soiree does need to tun up a bit.
452
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:11,960
Oh, can we not?
453
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,960
We're supposed to be, erm...
playing parlour games after this.
454
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:16,960
All right, I'll just
blow up some balloons.
455
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,480
Dick.
456
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,160
Good evening, everyone.
457
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:28,960
I have a message for a JJ
from Lauren.
458
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,960
Let me tell you 'bout this girl
459
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:34,960
Maybe I shouldn't
460
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:35,960
I met her in Philly
461
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:37,960
And her name was Brown Sugar
462
00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:40,000
See, we be making love constantly
463
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:43,320
That's why my eyes
are the shade blood burgundy
464
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:46,480
The way that we kiss
is unlike any other way
465
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:49,960
That I be kissin' when I'm kissin'
What I'm missin' won't you listen?
466
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,960
Brown Sugar babe
467
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,480
I gets high off your love
I don't know how to behave
468
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,960
Ah
469
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,960
I want some of your Brown Sugar
470
00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:04,960
Ah
471
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:05,960
Can I cut in?
472
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,960
Back off, haggis tits.
473
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,480
I want some of your Brown Sugar
474
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,960
Ah
475
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,960
I want some of your Brown Sugar
476
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:21,960
Ah...
477
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,000
Get in.
478
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,000
Obviously, I'd prefer JJ
to marry someone filthy rich.
479
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:47,960
As opposed to just filthy.
480
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:49,960
Typical.
481
00:20:49,960 --> 00:20:52,960
We spend the night in a room
full of desperate virgins
482
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,960
and we still end up alone.
483
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:58,160
Did you not find anyone
you like, Horace?
484
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,960
No, I did, actually.
Yeah? What happened to her?
485
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,960
She liked someone else.
486
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,480
Oh, well. He was probably
a dickhead, anyway.
487
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,960
Dickhead.
488
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,960
Fancy a dance?
489
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:10,960
Ah.
490
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:11,960
I'd be delighted.
491
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,320
So...
492
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:27,960
here we are at last.
493
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,960
Here we are at last.
494
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,160
Good gracious.
495
00:21:35,160 --> 00:21:36,960
You promise you'll be gentle
with me?
496
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,960
Oh.
497
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,160
My sweet little babyccino,
498
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:43,960
nothing about this
is gonna be gentle.
499
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,960
HE YELPS
500
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:00,960
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