All language subtitles for The.Hustle.2019.1080p.BluRay.x264-DRONES-HI

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hey, man. Can I get two
vodka sodas, please?

Sure.

Thank you.
You know what?

Go ahead and keep that
for yourself, all right?

Thanks, man.

Yeah, I can't wait
to meet you, too, Madison.

Aw, those babies are legit.

WOMAN: Jeremy?

Uh, no, sorry.

But this is you,
isn't it?

Well, yeah...

- But you can't be...
- Yeah, Madison.

Yeah, I am.

Joke! Oh, my God.

- You should see your face.
- Oh, my God.

- No, obviously, I'm not her. No.
- Okay. Oh, man.

- 'Course I'm not Madison.
- Thank Christ!

Because, honestly,
I was shitting myself there.

- I mean, no offense.
- None taken.

It's really risky
meeting people online.

You never know if people are
gonna be as ugly on the outside

as they are
on the inside.

- Yeah, right, exactly.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, is Madison
on her way?

No, no, no.
Madison's not coming.

What? Why?

Well, she sent me to see
if you were truly in love with her,

and clearly you're not,
so goodbye, Jeremy.

Wait! No, no,
no, wait.

Of course I love her.

I have been texting with her for,
like, a frigging month!

This is the girl that I'm gonna
let keep my babies,

and I will pay her
her due child support.

I will visit every
other weekend,

and say hi to the kids and put 'em
on my lap and whatever you do, okay?

That is how much I love her.
I swear to Christ!

But can you love
her birth defect?

'Course I can.

I mean, it's on
the inside, right?

Like, it's in her brain
or in her heart?

When Madison was born,
she was born with A cups.

- No, but her photos, they...
- Yeah.

What you're looking
at there is expert contouring

and well-placed
chicken cutlets.

She's really a double-A,
if I'm gonna be, like, honest with you.

A triple-A
in some brands.

Basically, if her tits were batteries,
they'd go into a watch.

That's why she didn't wanna come here
and meet you in real life.

Well, not until
she has the boob job, anyways.

Wait, she's getting
a boob job?

When is that
happening, then?

In a year.

A year?

Well, silicone doesn't just grow
on trees.

She has to save up.

Well, how much
does she need?

Just, like, $300.

$500 if she's gonna
go full bouncy castle.

Okay.

You know what?

Tell her I'll give
her the $500.

I just want her
to be happy.

That is so
selfless of you.

- I know.
- Do you prefer Venmo or PayPal?

Venmo's fine.

That's her!
The fake tit-job bitch!

Get her!

- I needed a new scene anyway.
- MAN: She stole my money, man!

Move! Out of my way,
come on!

Hey, where do I send
the money?

POLICEMAN: Go!

POLICEWOMAN:
Hey, stop that woman!

POLICEMAN: Hey, you! Stop!

POLICEWOMAN:
Go after her! Quick!

You let her
get away!

Well, at least we didn't give her
$500 first! Idiot.

Trashy dress,
you did it again.

- (MAN WHISTLES)
- (CAMERAS FLASHING)

Hmm.

(GROWLING)

(GROANS,
SPEAKS OTHER LANGUAGE)

(SIGHS) Begone!
You French women are bad luck!

(SCOFFS)

And shave your
armpits. Please.

Well, come on,
deal again!

Our apologies, monsieur,
but you are out of credit.

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

MATHIAS: Hold on,
I may have a solution.

How's this for credit?

DEALER: It's beautiful,
monsieur.

But I cannot accept it.

Why the hell not?

I'm afraid...

Rumor has it that
you are selling

your wife's jewels to bankroll your
gambling debts.

That is an
outrageous slur!

Hey. Whiskey.

JANET: Excuse me?
Excuse me?

How much are
the red ones worth?

One thousand.

And the blue ones?

- Five thousand.
- (EXCLAIMS)

I love that game with the wheel
and the ball and the numbers.

I don't even really know how to play.
(LAUGHS)

Hello.

Hello.

My name is Mathias Albrecht von Rüdiger
der Klein-Strogen...

And you are?

- Janet.
- Janet.

What an enchanting name.

You're American, yes?

- Yes.
- I'm Danish.

Like the pastry?

Yeah. Yeah.

So, what brings you
to the South of France?

An airplane.

Yes, and why
are you here?

Oh. Well...

I thought I would
treat myself.

I just won some
money in the lottery.

Wow. How much
did you win?

- $87 million!
- (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

I'm sorry,
I don't speak foreign.

Janet...

I have something in my pants that
I think you're going to like.

- Ew.
- No, no, no.

- This.
- Oh.

This belonged
to my dear mama.

- May I?
- Yes.

Sadly, I have to sell it,

'cause it reminds me
too much of her.

JANET:
Is it valuable?

It's very valuable, yes.
$500,000.

I like it
'cause it's shiny.

And you're in luck.
It's for sale.

That's crazy. I...

Do I have enough here?

How much is this worth?

That is a coaster.

And sadly,
no, you don't.

But maybe you could
pay the difference in another way?

I have a 9:00
dinner reservation.

As do I.

Well, I have my reputation
to think of.

As do I.

I have a boyfriend.

As do I.

WOMAN: Freeze!

Inspector Desjardins
of Beaumont-Sur-Mer police. Get up.

Okay. Who sent you?
My wife?

Do you take bribes?

Not you. Her.

- She is under arrest.
- What?

Those chips were stolen
from this pathetic old man.

This woman is
an international con artist.

No, no, no.
She's just a dumb American.

No, it's true.

She lured this man

with the promise of
a private performance

of her college
gymnastics routine.

Here.

- Hmm.
- BRIGITTE: Now, give back the bracelet.

(SIGHS)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

It would take an expert
to spot the fake.

Or his wife.

Thank you, Albert...

For everything.

Excellent research, Brigitte.
The mark was perfect.

As you always say...

"You can't cheat
an honest man."

Now, I have a buyer
in Zurich,

so I shall see you in a few days.
Au revoir.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Sorry. Comin' through.

I'll take
the filet mignon.

WAITER: Very good, sir.

Is this seat taken?

I'm starving.

I could murder
a triple cheeseburger right now.

Or...

I'll just get a glass
of water, please.

- Is that all, madam?
- PENNY: Yeah, that's it.

I'll just help myself
to the sugar packets.

They're free, right?

- WAITER: Yes.
- PENNY: Yeah.

(SIGHS)

PENNY: Mmm.

That'll fill me up.

I have to save all my money 'cause
I'm here to find my sister.

This is her.

- That is your sister?
- Half-sister.

But we're like sisters.

- MAN: What's happened to her?
- PENNY: She's been taken.

Taken? Like...

Like by men who
sell hot white virgins

to evil, bearded
kajillionaires on yachts.

- Really?
- The whole irony is...

It was her friend she was
with who was the massive slut. Tiffany.

Tiffany is the slut?

So, I roughed up these guys,
and they said to me,

(IN MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT) "Premium-grade
Australian meat on auction tomorrow."

(IN NORMAL VOICE) That fits my sister's
description perfectly, don't you think?

Yes.

So, I'm gonna get
on that boat and buy her back.

Look, I am very moved
by your story.

- Order anything you like.
- No, no, no.

- Please, no?
- No!

- Please, no?
- No, I couldn't.

Please, I insist.

I'll have a club sandwich, and an order
of fries, order of onion rings.

I'll take the shrimp cocktail.
Is that good? How fresh is it?

What's the soup of the day?
Is it cold? 'Cause, ew, gross.

That's disgusting.
Why have cold soup?

Just give me
a Caesar salad.

And then two slices of cake.

- Do you want any cake?
- No.

Three slices of cake
and a Diet Coke.

Thank you.

TRAIN ATTENDANT: Will this be
satisfactory, miss?

PENNY:
Yes, this will do.

Once again, I apologize
for the flickering lights in coach.

Epilepsy is
a cruel mistress.

Thank you.

(EXHALES)

Hey.

Hello.

Forgive me,
but I couldn't help

but overhear your conversation
in the dining car.

- My condolences.
- Hmm?

About your sister's
treacherous predicament.

Oh. She'll be all right.

(EXHALES)

(SIGHING)

Do you mind
if I ask how long

your sister's been
held against her will?

- Listen...
- Josephine Chesterfield.

Penny Rust.

Delighted.

Eh, what's up?

Listen, I think this is gonna be
a really long ride,

and clearly you're, like,
an exhausting person.

So, I'm just gonna say this.

I don't even have a sister.

Are you saying
you lied to that man?

I don't wanna
say it too loudly.

I'm a con artist.

I con.

But that man was so kind to you,
and he bought your dinner.

Only after I showed him
a picture of a hot chick.

See, women have feelings.

So, like, you just
had sympathy or pity or...

I don't know,
the other feeling.

And men see that quality in us
and exploit us.

So, all I'm doin'
is, like...

(SINGING) Put that thing down,
flip it and reverse it

And then I'm now
exploiting them.

Are there many
women in your industry?

Sisters in arms,
as it were?

Well, not at
my level, no.

Yes, clearly you're in
a class of your own.

Uh, except, of course
there's Medusa.

- Oh?
- She's like the O.G. lady con artist.

People say she could freeze
a man's assets with just one look.

Well,

my horizons have certainly been
expanded this evening.

Where will the wind
take you next?

I'm going to this town
on the Med...

Beaumont-Sur-Mer.

Get this, apparently it's crawling
with rich dudes.

Well, I'm afraid
you've been misinformed.

You see, I live in
Beaumont-Sur-Mer,

and I think you'll find
it's a lesbian community.

Really?

Yes. Honestly, you'd do better
staying on to Portofino.

Well, maybe I could
work a woman.

I don't know how you...

Yeah, I could give it a go.

But isn't your philosophy
based on exploiting men?

Penny? Penny.

Sorry, were you... Sorry.

I was just playing
this game on my phone.

Yes, of course.

I just have to call my mothers
to let them know what time to expect me.

(SHUSHES)
Please.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

PENNY: So, do you have
a car here?

I do.

Great. Do you mind if I, like,
scab a lift off you?

FRENCH RAPPER: What?

You leaving the
party already?

Afraid so. Cheerio.

JOSEPHINE: Penny?

Did you say Portofino
was the next stop?

Yo, Portofino is going
to be turnt!

Ooh!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What?

I don't know what
you just said, but...

The answer is oui.

(LAUGHTER)

How was last night?

It was all I could arrange
on such short notice.

Jean and Lil Baguette
were perfect.

May I ask the reason
for their involvement?

I encountered
a sort of pale gypsy,

who thought herself
something of a grifter.

Surely, she was
no match for you?

One can never be
too careful, Brigitte.

A poacher who shoots
at rabbits may scare big game away.

Speaking of...

Next, we have
Gregor Gregorsky.

Made his fortune
in office supplies...

Married four times.

He's a romantic.

And he should
be arriving...

- (VEHICLE APPROACHING)
- Now.

(ENGINE REVS)

Who is that with him?

You must save your beautiful sister
before she is defiled.

I know, 'cause once
she is defiled,

she's, like, less special,
don't you reckon?

Brigitte.

Right away.

Gregor, you have no idea
what this money will do.

- Hit it, Marcel!
- (ENGINE REVS)

I'm flying!

(LAUGHING) Oh, shit!

Ooh!

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

Merci.

(CHUCKLES) Mmm-hmm.

All right. Let's go,
boys, one more time!

(PENNY LAUGHING)

- You want to press charges?
- Da.

Her sister is probably
not even virgin.

(CRYING)

PENNY: He gave me the money!

What laws have
I actually broken?

(GROANING)

Contraction.

The stress is not
good for the baby.

Oh, my little baby.

Ooh...

We are a tight-knit community
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer, mademoiselle.

We do not want
your kind here.

But...

Ah, yeah, yeah, right, yeah.

I've heard about
your little community.

And that's...

That's actually
why I came.

To do some,
like, experimenting.

You know...
Ooh.

Ooh...

No, wrong thing.

Inspector?

Don't you think we can
just work something out?

(WHISPERS)
Just between us girls?

I don't date pregnant women.

Wait! Actually,
I know somebody here.

You know someone in
Beaumont-Sur-Mer?

Yeah, yeah.
I bet you'd know her, too.

She's, like, really rich,
really important.

She looks like a librarian's corpse,
only less lively.

She would have
your ass for this.

Oh, I see.

What's her name?

Her name...

Is Joanna.

Regina.

Regina Charleston.

It's Charlotte
Pemberton.

It's Pamela.
It's Pernilla.

Pendy Simmons.

No, wait, it's...

Janet Maxfield. Ah!

Charlotte Josephson.

Josephine Chesterfield?

Yeah, that is her!

We should call her.

Get her on the line.

Tell her to set
me free, please!

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Penny, the charges
against you

aren't very serious,

but it appears
Inspector Desjardins

is keeping you here
for your own protection.

From what?

The man you swindled is
a prominent figure of the Russian mafia.

Shit.

If you were to be released,
you would most certainly be killed

or worse.

- Well, there has to be another option!
- One moment.

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

Penny, what do you have on you
by way of liquidity?

Um...

I think I have a travel-size K-Y
Jelly in my bag.

It's peach-flavored.

Cash, Penny. How much
cash do you have at your disposal?

I have about 10 or 8.
Yeah, $8,000.

That might be enough to get you out
of the country, but you must promise

never ever,
under any circumstances,

to come back to
Beaumont-Sur-Mer ever again.

- Pinky promise.
- Hold on, Penny.

The nightmare
is almost over.

Hey, listen,

I may have been a bit of a bitch
when we first met.

Oh...

And when I talked about you
behind your back.

- Hmm?
- And when I posted this.

Huh.

But you did me a solid
getting me out of jail.

So, I think you're
a pretty top chick.

Try to be as inconspicuous
as possible.

I know
it's difficult for you,

but it's better to go unnoticed
by Gregor's henchmen.

Au revoir.

I don't get
what that means.

WOMAN: (OVER PA)
Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the final
boarding call...

Yo, I'm just gonna
blend in with you guys.

(BLOWS AIR, SNIFFS)

Hey.

(GAGS)

Dude! What are you...

You can't just sneak up
on a lady like that.

You're not really my type.

But the pilot's busy, so...

Let's just make
this quick.

I feel like they're
about to serve the meal.

- Where is it?
- What?

Where is it?
(CLEARING THROAT)

Okay. Nazi Gollum, you're gonna have
to speak more clearly.

- Where is it?
- What?

I saw you talking
with her in the airport.

Josephine?

Is that her real name?

- Are you with her?
- Um...

No, I think maybe
the police chick is.

They could just
be friends.

I don't know.
It's hard to tell nowadays.

So, the police woman's
part of it?

- Part of what?
- The hustle!

Mmm?

She stole my wife's
diamond bracelet!

It's worth half
a million dollars!

Shit the bed.

And now my wife
is filing for divorce.

Are you working
with her or not?

No! No, no.

Uh... Um...

No, I'm actually
working for ASSES.

What?

ASSES? Have you
not heard of that?

It's the Australian
Securities Services

Intelligently Spying.

Don't you mean ASIO?

No.

No, they're wankers.

ASSES.
It's the place to be.

And I'm deep, deep,
deep in ASSES.

I'm trying to bring
her to justice.

- Okay, good.
- Yeah.

Good. How can I help?

Well, sir, I believe we should start
by having sex as a cover.

(SNICKERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

What was that?

I have standards.

As do I.

I need to take a nap.

As do I. (YAWNS)

I have many STDs, so...

As do I.

PILOT: (OVER PA) Mesdames et messieurs,
please fasten your seat belts.

We are experiencing some
unexpected turbulence.

(EXHALES)

PENNY: Whew!

(PENNY GROANING)

PENNY: My quads are burning.

Ow. Ow.

Bloody hell! No. Okay.

(PANTING)

Yeah.

I'm gonna puke.

No. I'm gonna hold it.
I can hold it.

- Penny.
- Hello, Janet.

Or should I say...

Medusa?

- I am not Medusa.
- Really?

Take this to the guestroom,
butlery person.

(BAG CRASHING)

(CAT SNARLS)

Okay, I may need to borrow
a toothbrush, leggings, some thongs.

Oh! Some
"going out" thongs.

BRIGITTE:
Do we have a problem?

Ah, Captain Pantsuit,
in on it as well?

All wrapped up
in this kebab of lies?

Everything is fine, Brigitte.
You and Albert may go.

PENNY: Yeah.

Bye, girls.

I'll take my lunch
by the pool!

Just letting you know,
I'm salad intolerant.

What do you want, Penny?

I want this!

Like, look
at this place.

I had no idea how small-time
I was until I met you.

Teach me your
sugar baby ways.

Shape me into something great
and richer.

And why would I do that?

Because who knows?

I could be the partner
you never knew you needed.

- No, thanks. I work alone.
- Hello?

What about Menswear Barbie
and Old Crone Ken?

They are employees.

Okay. I get it.

But what you're not getting is that
a girl like me

could make it real uncomfortable
for you in this town.

Like a bad case
of the herp.

With the right vitamin cocktail,
you'll go away.

You do know herpes
never goes away, don't you?

(SOFTLY)
Doesn't it?

(SOFTLY) No.

Seems like you've set up
such deep roots here.

It'd be such a shame
for it to all be seized by Interpol.

It'd just take
one phone call.

(MIMICKING BEEPING)

Hello, Interpol?

Tell me, Penny,

(THUDS)

why are women better suited
to the con than men?

'Cause we're used
to faking it?

It comes down
to one universal truth.

No man will ever believe a woman
is smarter than he is.

We will always be underestimated
and that is what we use.

So, this means you're gonna
teach me, aren't you?

I'm teaching you now.

Yes!

Wait, what was
that last part?

I couldn't hear.
You were talking into the ocean.

What do men want?

- Boobs.
- No.

Back door.
Front door.

Pegging or, like,
a threesome.

What is it?
What's the answer?

They want to be heroes.

There is nothing more compelling
to a man than a vulnerable woman.

Observe.

Oh, wow. You can
just tear up like that.

You can just balance
a tear right on that lower lid.

And can you make the tear
roll down your cheek?

Oh. Oh. Okay.

But can you make
it go back up?

- Now, you try.
- Okay.

- Are you constipated?
- No.

Why all the theatrics?
You're hot. That's enough.

It is not enough.

"Hot" is not a career.

"Hot" will get you gifts and trinkets,
but you must pay for them in other ways.

Sex, Penny.

Lesson two, research.

"The Suburban
White Knight."

This one calls
for a basic rescue scam.

A staged drowning and resuscitation
usually fits the bill.

Next, we have
"The Braggadocio on Holiday."

Just wants a story
to tell the boys.

But careful here.
He's a frequent abuser of social media.

(BLOWS HORN)

- What the...
- (BLOWS HORN)

- (HORNS CONTINUES BLOWING)
- Why the...

Headache! Fuck off.

Finally, you must be trained
for any situation.

(FRENCH POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRASHES)

(POPS)

PENNY: One, two...

Surprise!

Hello. How do you do?

Yes, isn't it
a lovely party?

I know.

I have seven houses.

She's ready.

I'm ready?

Yes!

Whoo!

(BRIGITTE SPEAKING FRENCH)

I don't like it.

She represents
everything you despise.

You know, the water
level at the quarry

is higher than normal
this time of year.

They would not find her body
until the spring.

Just say the word or don't
and you maintain your innocence

and I will do it anyway.

Nonsense.

We're taking her in gracefully
in order to get her out gracefully.

Was that the word?

"Gracefully"?

Trust me, Brigitte.
It'll all work out in our favor.

With Penny, we can finally run
the Lord of the Rings play.

You truly believe she is ready
for something so elaborate?

Who's the first mark?

Oh, Howard.

I can't marry you.

(SOBS)

Oh...

Now, settle
down, cupcake.

What problem's so big you don't
think Howard Bacon can fix it, huh?

How could you marry
a woman so beneath you?

What are you saying,
snickerdoodle?

You are 63rd in line
to the British throne.

I know, but I'm bankrupt.

The title's all
I have left.

Oh, Howard...

Do you think me a...

Gold digger?

(SOBS)

Oh...
Peanut butter cup.

Now, listen here.

We're gonna get married,
we're gonna fly home to Fort Worth.

I'mma introduce you
to my golfing buddies,

and then when I run for Senate,
you're gonna be by my side.

Beautiful and silent.

You're not gonna break my heart now,
are you, sugarbooger?

Oh, Howard.

I'm helpless against
your food-themed endearments.

The only thing you're gonna have
to worry about

is how that Texas humidity's gonna
affect your hair.

My hair looks like this
in any climate, darling.

And Hortense
loves wet heat.

Hortense?

My sister.
Didn't I tell you about her?

I couldn't possibly
leave her behind.

Are you telling me
I'm gonna go home

with two princesses
on my arm?

(GIGGLES)
Would you like to see her?

Oh, lead the way.
(CHUCKLES)

If you think me
regal in the least,

wait until you meet
my sweet sister.

I haven't an ounce of the majesty
Hortense possesses.

There are no private beaches
on the Côte d'Azur,

but you put up one sign that says
"toxic waste," et voilà!

Granny was so clever.

Your sister
lives in there?

Mmm-hmm. Yes, in her
cozy castle keep.

This way.

Your tetanus is up
to date, yes?

What?

JOSEPHINE: Every royal family
has its black sheep, of course.

But not Hortense and me.

Nanny Gertrude raised us to be
two levelheaded young ladies.

We're so normal,
it's practically boring.

Now remember, at no point should
you turn your back on her.

Because she's royalty?

If you like.

Ah, here we are.

Hortense,
I've brought a guest!

I wonder
where she's hiding.

Don't be shy.

I know.

Maybe her subjects
can flush her out.

(FANFARE PLAYS)

Ah, there she is!

My only living relative.

Shall we pay
her a visit?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Princess Hortense
of House

Northumberton-
Saxe-Hapsburg,

may I present to
you Howard Bacon.

Uh...

My... my...
My ma'am... Lady.

Sir Bacon, welcome
to thy kingdom.

I have food
for your men,

and water for your
horses and whores.

Oh, Hortense.

She knows you haven't
got any horses.

Lucretia, pour the mead.

Lucretia, you dumb bitch,
don't embarrass me

in front of the guests.

Yes, there is much to celebrate,
beloved sister.

I bring wonderful news.

Howard and I
are to be married.

Really?

You and you?

Hortense.

Hortense, do not
drop that coronet.

(CLATTERING)

Use your words,
not the heirlooms.

Whoops.

(GROANING)

(YELLING)

Why?

- Why? Why? Die!
- I think I know what this is about.

- No!
- Don't fret, sissy.

You shan't
be left behind.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You, Howard, and I are going to
live together in Texas.

PENNY AS HORTENSE:
Texas?

Hurrah!

This calls for
a celebration pole dance.

(WHOOPING)

Promise, if anything
should happen to me,

you'll look after her.

- Ooh, I invoke prima nocta.
- JOSEPHINE AS PRINCESS: Absolutely.

This shall be a traditional
wedding in every respect.

- Prima nocta.
- Prima nocta! Prima nocta!

What's a prima nocta?

Oh. Once the eldest daughter
consummates her marriage,

it is the second
daughter's divine right,

either to bed the groom
or fight him in a duel.

In either case, your
performance shall be judged

by a panel
of courtiers.

But you don't mind,
do you, darling?

(SINGING) Second sister
gets sloppy seconds

BOTH: (SINGING)
Or you die

Muffin, wedding's off.

- But Howard! The ring!
- Keep it!

(DOOR CLOSES)

(PENNY LAUGHING)

Enrique, do go on.
You were saying

how even though you yourself have
benefited economically

from immigrating
to America,

you don't feel any
additional Guatemalans

should be allowed
into Palm Beach?

- Yes, I believe...
- Sister! Sister! Sister!

Hortense!
Manners, please!

Is this how we behave in
front of a guest?

Sorry.

Pardon the intrusion,
but can I beg leave to go to the toilet?

Yes, of course,
my turtle dove.

Thank you.

Kind sir, would you
help me with this?

The lock-eth
has rust-eth.

JOSEPHINE: Hortense!

Did I not expressly forbid you from wearing
your virtue panties in the pool?

Albert! She's done it again.

(GASPS)
Not the flame!

Release the peasants!

She must mean
"pheasants," yes?

Of course not.

Don't worry, darling.
She's a terrible shot.

PENNY AS HORTENSE:
Peasant ho!

See?

(SNEEZES)

(GIGGLES)

That was unexpected.

Brigitte, your 20,000.

You just got a lot more
attractive, Bridge.

Albert, your 10.

Still wouldn't
bang you, Albert.

Thank you, all.

What do you mean,
"Thank you, all"?

No, where's my cashola?
Where's my cut?

Where's the big chunk of...
Ah-ah...

To come in to me, of the cash?

(CHUCKLES) The student doesn't
earn wages until after graduation.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
When the hell is that?

I've been killing myself playing
Hortense the Feral Princess

while you just prance around,
not having sex with people.

Penny, how much money do you have?
Be honest, now.

- $500,000.
- Oh.

Good for you.
It's an adorable little nest egg.

All in cash, I presume?

Bitcoin. Why?
How much money do you have?

Hmm? Oh.
Assets and liquidity, 28.32 million.

Okay, I didn't know we were
counting assets and liquidity.

In that case, I have...
Still 500,000.

And how do you think I grew that wealth?
By investing wisely.

I've invested
in you, Penny.

And I must see a robust return
before I can share the profits.

But you wouldn't have any profits
if it wasn't for me, okay?

Let's face it,
we were a team on this.

Penny, if you want to be like me,
then you're going to...

I don't wanna be like you!
Why would I wanna be like you?

I don't wanna be some loser
that looks like a colorful Beetlejuice.

Oh. Sorry, Julie Andrews just called.
She said she wants her voice back.

We all know you're actually
from Wisconsin

and you stay in this house
eating weird salads

and drinking alcohol that doesn't
get you hammered fast enough.

And you're like,

"Oh, I better check all my precious stocks
on the NASCAR index.

"And, oh, wait,

"let me just collect another
little boy's head

"or another
dinosaur clitoris

"or another little statue of a..." (GASPS)
That's alive.

Yes, that is a Madagascan blue
panther chameleon.

It's one of the last
of its kind.

Oh, is it?
Just like you.

Well, you know what, Jo?

I don't give a crap
if you're a legend in the game.

If you're not gonna pay me
for work that I've actually done,

then I'm out!

Screw you, Medusa!

JOSEPHINE:
I'm not Medusa.

(DOOR CLOSES)

And she's gone.

(MUTTERING)

(GASPS)

(WHIMPERS)

Are you all right, miss?

PENNY: Is there a doctor
in the house?

Somebody, please, help me!

What are the signs of a stroke?
I can't feel my tits!

- (GASPS)
- (PEOPLE GASPING)

MAN: Goodness me!

Are you all right, miss?
Are you okay?

(IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
She's all right. Aren't you, sis?

(KICKS)

Yeah, I'm feeling so much better,
actually.

Good on you.
That's my chuck. Come on.

MAN: Come on.
Let's get you up.

- PENNY: Yeah.
- JOSEPHINE: No worries.

I think it was just
a big burp.

- You enjoy the sun.
- MAN: My pleasure.

- What's up, Jo?
- (IN BRITISH ACCENT) I thought you were leaving, Pen.

I was, and then I just realized
this place is great.

There just isn't room for both of us
in Beaumont-Sur-Mer.

Mmm.
Agree to unagree.

This is my home
and my place of work

and you are a bull
in my china shop.

Well, you don't really
affect my life that much.

Oh, piss off,
you moon-faced troll!

Whoa. Careful there.

People might think you're more than
just an animatronic cocktease.

Okay, come on.

(STRAINING)

PENNY: Ow. Arm!

Hands off the merchandise.
I bruise like a peach.

Shall we settle this
with a friendly wager?

Like a turf war? Whoever wins
gets dibs on the town?

Loser leaves for good.

Well, what's the bet?

We choose a man. First to extract
a set sum from him wins.

That sounds like a party.
Yeah, how much?

How about your net worth?
500,000? I'm sorry.

Is that too rich
for your blood?

Are you kidding?

My blood is, like,
98% white chocolate mousse.

So, I can handle it, yeah.
Who's the mark?

(YELLS)

MAN: Monsieur?

(COUGHING)

PENNY: How about that guy?

He's 12.

Ah. Too young
for your blood?

Guillaume. Is that boy
a guest at the hotel?

GUILLAUME: Yes,
that is Thomas Westerburg.

He is the inventor
of YaBurnt.

- Shut my back door.
- What? Why?

What is YaBurnt?

Honestly? Jo, are you, like,
100 years old?

It's, like, this
really cool app

where it sends all your friends
these disgusting insults

and then they disappear
after 10 seconds.

Why would
anyone want that?

Why would anyone want Christmas,
either?

So, he's a tech
millionaire?

Billionaire, I bet.
So, do we have a deal?

One week.
May the best con win.

Hey, do you mind
if I spin the thingy next round?

Okay. That's your job.

Shut up, Thomas.

- ROULETTE CROUPIER: Monsieur.
- Yes?

Please place your bets.

No more bets.

Eighteen red.

(CHUCKLES)

PENNY: Sorry, comin' through.

Sorry, excuse me.

- WOMAN: My goodness!
- PENNY: Sorry, miss, please.

Oi, blind person here.
Move! Move!

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh. Pardon
the intrusion,

but could somebody tell me
if there's an empty chair at this table?

- No, mademoiselle. The table is full.
- PENNY: Oh.

- Okey-dokey.
- No, miss. Miss?

Excuse me.
You can have my chair.

Oh, a hero. But it's
not necessary.

Perhaps if this
person scoots over,

we could just squeeze
in another chair.

- Yeah, sure.
- Do you mind, sir?

Would you mind just...

- THOMAS: Right behind you.
- Oh.

There you go.

- Thank you.
- All right.

What wonderful
blind person etiquette.

My nana was blind.

Was she?
I had no idea.

(WHISPERS)
Research.

ROULETTE CROUPIER:
Please place your bets.

Oh. Do you want me
to place a bet for you?

Yeah, could you?

- Yeah, of course.
- But can you choose?

I feel like I need somebody else's
luck right now.

Sure.

- Okay.
- All right, keep your fingers crossed.

ROULETTE CROUPIER:
No more bets.

Twenty-one red.

How did we do?

We lost.
I'm so sorry.

- What?
- Yeah, it happens.

That was my
last chance.

Last chance?
For... Wait! Miss!

Miss, wait. Miss?

ROULETTE CROUPIER:
Monsieur, your chips.

Oh, yeah, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.
Sorry.

Thank you. Miss!

(PEOPLE GASPING)

Miss? Miss?

ROULETTE CROUPIER:
Your winnings.

(SIGHS)

Miss! Miss? Miss?
Excuse me? Hi.

You left your cane.

Thanks for bringing
it back.

I'm so embarrassed.
Did I, like, cause a big scene?

No, no. It's okay.
But you said something in there.

You said that that was
your last chance. What for?

To help my sister.

- Oh.
- She's my baby sister.

Oh.

You're looking at a picture
of a really hot girl, right?

Uh... Yes.
Yeah, I am.

Are my eyes tearing up?

'Cause sometimes
I can't tell.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

At least you
won big, huh?

Not yet.

Go and see what big-titted
Russell Crowe is up to.

THOMAS: Here.
Here you go, Penny.

No, no, no, Thomas.
I cannot take that.

- Yes, you can, Penny.
- No, I can't.

Penny, you have to.

Your sister needs that
final cleft palate surgery.

Yeah, she does.

- Penny...
- Mmm.

- What about you?
- What do you mean, what about me?

Well, do you mind
if I ask you how you...

- Got blind?
- Yeah.

My condition
is 100% mental.

Hysterical blindness?

It's not that funny
to me, Thomas.

No, I know.
What I mean is,

it means there's hope for you
to see again. Right?

People say that,
but I've tried everything.

Hypnosis, drugs...

I even hired
this guy Barry

to follow me around and scare me
in parking structures.

- He'd just be like, "Hey!"
- (GASPS)

Turns out this is not like
having the hiccups.

Well, there must be something.

Well, there is, like,
this one psychologist,

up in this clinic
in Germany

that does, like,
really cutting-edge stuff.

But it's so expensive.

Well, how much does
this doctor charge?

$500,000.

- Damn!
- I know!

But Dr. Schauffhaussen
is that gifted.

Forget about it.
What is sight worth, anyways?

$500,000?

Seems so.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

She's using
all your tricks.

Fine.

Let's use some of hers.

PENNY: But enough about me.
Let's talk about you.

What's your story?

No, well,
no story, really.

These French investor guys
flew me out here

I guess to hear
about my new venture.

- Oh.
- But I'm starting to feel like

they just want
another YaBurnt.

- Ya-what?
- YaBurnt.

It's an app that
I designed.

Oh.

Like an appetizer?
I love 'em when they're bottomless.

(MUFFLED)
That's good.

No, not an appetizer.

An app like an application
for a smartphone.

Oh, okay.

But my new concept,

it's something that I think
could really help people

if anyone would actually listen to
what I have in mind.

I get it.
You're a really kind guy.

I could see that.
If only I could see.

Penny...

Penny, what is the name
of that doctor you told me about?

Oh. Um... Doctor...

Schauffhaussen.

- Schauffhaussen.
- Schauffhaussen.

How do you spell that?
Is that S-C-H?

Sure.

Okay.

- Wait, what are you doing?
- I'm looking him up online.

Not much is known about the good doctor.
I hear he's a recluse.

No, I found his website.

- Really?
- Awesome.

Whoa.

No, here's an email address.

Okay, you're kidding me.

What? No way.

- Yeah.
- No way.

I've sent something.
There we go.

- See what happens.
- Thomas, no, you...

- No.
- You really shouldn't have.

Let's not get
our hopes up.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Okay. He responded!

- (CHUCKLES)
- Of course he did.

Oh, it's an
out-of-office reply.

Oh...

Let's see if he's
on social media.

Oh, my God.

- No way! Oh, my God.
- What?

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Hi. My name's Thomas,

and my friend, Penny, really,
really needs your help.

I just saw your photo on Instagram,
and I had to come find you.

This is beyond coincidence. It means
something that you're here. Um...

So, what do you say,
Dr. Schauffhaussen?

Will you help
my friend?

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Siri, I need to
learn German.

JOSEPHINE: (IN GERMAN ACCENT)
That is not German.

That is Dutch.

Oh. Um...

Hi, we met at
the roulette table.

That is incorrect.
We did not meet.

Otherwise, you would
know that I...

You're Dr.
Schauffhaussen?

Precisely.

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

No, wait,
Dr. Schauffhaussen.

I'm sorry if
I offended you.

I am not offended.

It's just that I looked you up online,
I couldn't find a photo,

and, I don't know, I just didn't
think you would be a woman.

I am offended now.

I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.

Please don't punish
Penny for my sexism.

Penny?

Is this Penny from Cootamundra,
Australia?

Yes! Yeah, that's her.

I remember her letters.
Such a tragic case.

Good luck to you both.

Wait.

Dr. Schauffhaussen,
what do I have to do

to get you to see
her here, tonight?

- Young man...
- Thomas.

Thomas, it would be inappropriate
and unprofessional of me

to see patients
while on my holiday.

Well, if it's a matter
of money, I can...

You haven't given
her any money, have you?

Well, some.
But just for her sister.

You must not, under any circumstances,
give the patient money.

Otherwise, this reinforces
the notion that she's truly disabled,

rendering the
treatment kaput!

Wait, so you will
treat her?

- I agree to an initial examination.
- Yes!

I am too much the softie.
Where is she now?

(TV PLAYING)

(DOOR OPENS)

THOMAS: Penny?

Coming. Just one second!
One sec.

THOMAS: I've got
a surprise for ya.

- Thomas, where did you go?
- Yeah?

You'll never guess
who I found.

Who?

JOSEPHINE AS DR. SCHAUFFHAUSSEN:
Who do you think?

It's Dr. Frederika
Schauffhaussen.

She can't believe it.

JOSEPHINE AS DR. SCHAUFFHAUSSEN:
Believe it, Fräulein.

I am here to help you,
dear girl.

Dr. Schauffhaussen was having dinner
at the hotel tonight.

I saw her Insta post.
Isn't it incredible?

- Incredible.
- I must make my assessment of the patient.

- Thomas?
- Yes?

I require a chair.

A warning.

My methods
are unorthodox.

You understand?

- Yes.
- Thank you.

Remove your person
from the treatment space.

Oh. Okay, here?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Sit.

So, you can see
absolutely nothing?

No shapes,
no light, no color?

No, nothing at all.
That's what I said...

Silence.

Hey, I need that.

You will no longer use
this crutch of the mind.

(GROANS)

Stubborn like the patient.

I see.

You do not, but I see.

Has the test started yet?

Impressive.

Okay, Penny.

How about this?

(BLOWING)

I am funneling
the air directly

into your eye cavity.

My mouth hole
is very narrow.

You should not
be feeling this.

I just smell salmon.

It's very
interesting.

The body reacts,
but the mind does not.

Penny, I would like you
to have a little snack.

But you must guess the food
that you're eating, ja?

PENNY: Yeah, that sounds
easy enough.

I will ready the snack.

(SINGING)
In stiller Nacht

Zur ersten Wacht

Ein Stimm' begunnt

Zu klagen

Der nächt'ge Wind

Hat süß und lind

Okay, Penny.

Here comes
the choo-choo train.

Open wide.

Ahh...

What is that?

A french fry.

(CHUCKLES)
Can I have another one?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

You are a very
good blind person.

As such, you
must surely know

the number of steps
between you and the door.

Mmm-mmm.

And the number from the door
to the elevator.

Because this is how the visually-impaired
function in the world.

Otherwise, you would be running
into things all the time, ja?

Yeah, I know
all the steps.

Okay, Penny.

I have opened the door.
An unobstructed path exists.

I want you to run full-speed down hallway
and stop in front of the elevator.

You can do this, then, ja?

Yeah, well, of course, then.

Yeah, it's pretty simple
for a blind person

to just run in
a straight line, so...

Wunderbar.
As fast as you can. Go!

- Um... Now?
- Ja.

(THUDS)

THOMAS: Penny!

I will take the case.

Come, Thomas,
I give you a tour.

Okay.

- Should we...
- Come.

Quickly now.

- But what about...
- Thank you.

Is this it? Hello?

(STAMMERING) We're here?

Hello? Uh...

Oh, it's on.

Dr. Schauffhaussen,
about your fee.

I have to move
a few things around,

but I'll have it
for you really soon.

PENNY: Hey, guys?

I think somebody accidentally
locked the front door.

Guys? Guys,
are you there?

- (GLASS BREAKING)
- Whoa.

Sorry! I hope that wasn't
a priceless work of art or anything!

What if she gets
hurt out there?

This is precisely why we do not
intervene, Thomas.

Negative reinforcement
is the prescription.

It is our job,
yours und mine,

- to have fun.
- Fun?

- Fun.
- Okay.

You're thinking
I am loony tune, ja?

- I am not.
- No?

If we do this
in front of Penny,

have the fun...

She will want nothing more than
to join us in our seeing fun.

Yeah.

Why do I smell clinical strength
lady douche wipes?

Oh.

Very strong.

No pity, Thomas.
Only fun.

I also smell
early menopause.

Now, the house.

(SINGING SOFTLY)

Why are we doing
this again?

Just as you take Thomas' arm
when we walk,

so you take my leash
when we ride.

That makes zero sense.

A hill approaches.

(PANTING)

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

- Merci.
- Merci.

This Cabernet.
Oh, I love this one.

It turns
quite chewy...

- Und you can really taste oak.
- Can I have some?

Oh. Of course, Penny.
You may have some of mine.

Oh.

Um... Is there a glass here?

You may drink the wine when you see
the glass well enough to seize it.

Oh. Oh, God.
Did I spill something just now?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Oh, I'm so clumsy.

Dr. Schauffhaussen,
let me help you.

Oh, no. I feel terrible.

Did I spill wine
on your...

Waiter!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh, are you sure
that this is helping Penny?

Trust me, this is
for Penny's sake.

Okay.

JOSEPHINE AS DR. SCHAUFFHAUSSEN:
You should see us, Penny.

Thomas and I are dancing.

PENNY: I wish I could.

Oh, but you can,
Penny. You can.

Yeah, I could also eat my own shit,
but I'm not doing that either.

It's okay, I'll just stand here
minding your bag.

She's got a fuzzbox
and knows how to use it.

Pardon?

WOMAN 1: Your friend with the bony ass,
grinding away on that poor boy.

Oh.

Yeah, I wouldn't
mind so much.

It's just that he used
to be my boyfriend.

(ALL GASPING)

ALL: He was not!

And she's my best friend.

ALL: (GASPING)
She is not!

WOMAN 2: Oh, my God.

Babe, you are,
like, actually blind.

Oh, babe.

Blind as in
"can't see" blind?

It was when I lost my sight
that she moved in on him.

ALL: (GASPING)
Shut up.

Watch us, Penny.

The way our bodies
move in unison.

So sensual.

Right. I'm hitting her really hard
in her vagina.

It's just if I could work out
some way to get him alone...

Then maybe he wouldn't
call off the wedding.

You leave it with us,
all right? I mean...

We are practically professionals,
my little blind poppet.

Girls, toilet.

(TOILET FLUSHES)

That color looks
boss on you.

Danke.

What is this?

It's a little thing
we invented called Varma.

Karma.

It is on.

It is on like
Kim Kardashian.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Is that nice?
- Yeah, you want some?

- Oh! Yeah, sure.
- Sorry.

Uh...

Yeah. Thank you.

It's kinda weird
that Dr. Schauffhaussen

just disappeared
like that, right?

Germans are
so spontaneous.

It's probably just
part of her crazy treatment plan.

Yeah, don't give up on that,
Penny, okay?

I mean, I know
that it's hard,

but there's so much that
you deserve to see.

Like this view

and these lights...

And the face you make

when you think
I'm being a dork.

What, this one?

(LAUGHS)
Yeah, that one.

But that one...

- That one's my favorite.
- What?

- That one.
- No, what?

Shut up.

Well, you'll just
have to take my word for it.

As the sole sighted
person between us,

you're beautiful, Penny.

Anyway, I'm sure
Dr. Schauffhaussen's

gonna break out the
big psychological guns

once I actually
give her the fee.

Oh. Um... Yeah, about that.
I was gonna say to you,

is it possible to give
me the money

- and then I'll just give it to Dr. Schauffhaussen?
- Oh.

I know this
will sound silly,

but it would just make me feel
like I'm less of a charity case.

Totally.
I completely understand.

I... I just have to
sell the last of my stock.

Wait, don't you own, like,
the whole company?

You're, like, so rich.

- No.
- No?

No, um...

The algorithm for
YaBurnt was mine,

but the seed investors actually
bought me out.

Yeah, for how much?

A cool million.

But I only have
400,000 left.

But it's okay.

My nana's gonna
loan me the rest.

So, after you pay
the Dr. Schauffhaussen fee,

you'd be broke?

Yeah, but it's fine.

Because I have a lot of good ideas,
and hoodies are cheap.

I don't get it, though.

Why would you bankrupt yourself
for someone you don't even know?

Like, I'm a stranger.

Well, my nana...

My nana always said that
the best thing money can do is good.

And you getting to
see again is good.

Plus, you're not
a stranger.

You're Penny.

Yes, I am.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- JOSEPHINE: Honey, I'm home.

Oh, please.

You think I can't handle
the Real Housewives of Essex?

It took a considerable
amount of limoncello

and several rounds
of arm wrestling,

but c'est la vie.

The bet's off, Jo.

Oh, don't go, Penny.
You've taught me so much about love.

- We need to find another mark.
- No, absolutely not.

I have had about as much
of this absurd interlude

with you as I can bear.

(CLATTERING)

Those are decorative.

He's a good guy, Jo.

That's a moxy-noron,
Pen.

Okay, you know, back in the day
when I was just catfishing,

there was always this one moment
where I would decide...

"I'm gonna take your money."

And it wasn't when they fell
for the superficial hot girl bait,

or when they texted dick pics
like complete animals.

It was when
we'd meet up in person,

and I'd come in...

And he'd just...

Look at me like that.

And that's when I'd decide
to rob him blind.

But when Thomas looks at me,
he doesn't do that.

He's just different.

He's a genuinely
nice person.

Yeah, but we're not nice women,
Penny, are we?

And this isn't
a likability contest.

Lucky for you,
'cause I'd win.

Would you?

(LAUGHS) Please.
Thomas loves me.

He loves you?

Like, I mean,
he'll do whatever I want.

Well, then it appears
we have our solution.

If you don't have
the stomach to take money

from your
darling Thomas...

Darling Thomas
becomes the bet.

But I thought
you didn't nail your marks.

Evidently, we must up the ante
in this little game of ours.

Unless, of course,
you feel you're outmatched.

Please. Guys love asses,

but not when there's something
already stuck up there.

Then we're agreed.

Thomas is the bet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(YAWNING)
Well, okay.

I should really
get to bed,

'cause I've got such a big day
of seduction tomorrow.

Oh, absolutely.

How about a bedtime story?

- No, that's not necessary.
- Albert!

Oh! Hi.

Thank you.

Oh, that's not good.

I do so admire
their spirit.

Less so their
spray tans.

Ladies.

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

All right, my babe.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Oh, so, you thought
you could play us, yeah?

Ladies, I can explain.

Babes, this is not a good
situation for you.

My cousin's
got the blinds

- from the diabetes.
- Diabetes.

Don't go to
the hotel now, Jo.

Give it the night. He'll be more
energetic in the morning.

SHIRAZ:
Oh, you're not going anywhere.

Ladies, pass me the superglue.

(PENNY GROANS)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

- Thomas.
- Dr. Schauffhaussen.

Please...

Call me Frederika.

Okay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Come on in.

Um...

JOSEPHINE AS DR. SCHAUFFHAUSSEN:
Thank you.

A little treat for us.

We've been working so hard
for sweet Penny.

We deserve to be
a little selfish, ja?

Some say these
are an aphrodisiac.

- Oh, no, thank...
- (GASPS)

Oh, God.
I'm so sorry, Doctor...

No! I got it.
It's fine, it's fine.

- I got it, I got it. It's...
- (OYSTER HITS FLOOR)

Thank you.

Thomas...

I must be candid.

I'm here under
false pretenses.

- You are?
- Ja.

I hope this isn't
inappropriate, but...

Would you help me
with mein coding?

"Mein coding"?

Ja, I'm having trouble
with my website.

Oh. Coding!

Yeah, sure.
What seems to be the problem?

Well...

When I use JavaScript,

the HTTP crawler is not scraping
the metadata correctly,

and I am losing
the CSS properties.

Did you try parsing the CSS
separately using regex?

- I did not.
- Hmm.

Fixed! Well, it's been
a really long day.

I'm exhausted,
so I'm gonna...

Are you aware that
it is a full moon tonight?

(SIGHS)

I love to feel
the air on my skin.

Right. Aren't you
kinda cold, though?

What are you doin'?

I feel reckless
tonight, Thomas.

Okay, that's not funny.
Can you come inside now?

If I fell, would you catch me?

Stop it.

Don't.

Don't!

Thomas.

- Dr. Schauffhaussen...
- Frederika.

You've taught me so much
about discipline.

I can teach you more.

- And integrity.
- Ja, sure.

I think we should keep things
professional between us.

- Oh...
- For Penny's sake.

For Penny's sake?

Of course.

Well, I'll just...

Go.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Wait.

Mmm. Thomas.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh. Albert?
Albert. Hey, man.

Um... Just a shot in the dark.

Do you happen
to have superglue remover?

Holy crap.

How did you have that?

Yeah, that's awesome.

Yes. Legend.

Uh...

Albert?

Ah, come on,
that's just cruel!

(GROANS)

- (SUPERGLUE RIPS)
- (PENNY SCREAMS)

Hey, you. Hey.

Do you know who Josephine Chesterfield is?
Or Dr. Schauffhaussen?

Oui, mademoiselle.
We know all her aliases.

She's very generous.

All right, so was
she here last night?

Oui, with the tech boy.

Damn it. Okay.

Well, wait. When she left,
did she seem, like, you know, satisfied?

Like, you know, like,
she'd got some?

- Oh, no.
- No?

She hasn't left yet.

Yeah, I know you won.
I'm getting outta here.

Uh, what did I win?

Thomas, what are
you doing here?

I'm here to
say goodbye.

Where's Dr. Schauffhaussen,
then?

Um, I don't know.

This morning,
she kind of left in a hurry...

And now I have to go.

The investors are...

They're flying me home.

I just needed to say...

Penny, you're the one genuine,
good thing that happened to me here.

Anyway, um...

Bye, Penny.

Thomas, wait! Don't go!

(PENNY SCREAMS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

Penny!

Oh, my God!

Penny, are you okay?

This has been a brutal week.

(GROANS)

Dick.

Wait, Penny,
could you just see Albert?

Uh...

Did you just look at...
Can you see me?

Is your hair brownish?

Yes! Yes, it is!

Wait, Penny.

Can you read that?

No, that's in French.

Oh... Sorry.

What about this?

"Social anxiety.
You're not the problem, the world is."

Yes! Penny, you can see!

I can finally
see your face!

- Oh, that's probably a bummer.
- No, come off it!

You got such
a nice face.

I guess Dr. Schauffhaussen's
money was put to good use, huh?

What do you mean?

You didn't give her
the 500,000, did you?

Yeah, of course.

I wanted to make sure that
your treatment continued.

No, no. But that was
all that you had.

It was worth every
penny, Penny.

THOMAS: Wait a minute.
I don't understand.

You're giving
me $500,000?

PENNY: My sister just won
the lottery in Australia.

And she used my birthday
and my bra size, so she owes me.

I can't let you
cover my medical expenses.

Well, regardless,
I cannot accept this.

Thomas, no, I insist.

Well, I resist.

Stop. It's a $2 transaction
fee every time.

Oh, shit. Well,
it's in your account now.

No take-backs.

Okay.

Penny...

Do you wanna come?

Come with me.

I'm not coming with you.

Why not?

'Cause you don't know me.

Not the real me.

Well, I'd like to...

If you ever change
your mind.

All right.

(SIRENS BLARING)

What have you done?

How could you let him leave?

What are you
talking about?

You won the bet.

(SCREAMING) Stop!

Come back! Come back!
Come back! No! No!

(SCREAMING)

PENNY: Aw. The plane didn't stop
for the crazy lady.

Here she comes.

(CHANTING)
Walk of shame.

Walk of shame.
Walk of shame.

Last night, I went to his room and, yes,
I tried to seduce him.

And I thought I was getting somewhere,
too, because he turned out the lights,

but it was only to show me
a PowerPoint presentation

all about his new app.

Once he had finished his pitch,
I assumed we'd go to bed.

Then he said he's bit of a germophobe,
so would I mind taking a shower...

And I was insulted,

but I complied for
the sake of the bet.

And when I emerged, he was gone,
my clothes were gone,

my jewelry, my phone,
my laptop,

even my limited
edition Jimmy Choos!

(LAUGHS)

Come off it.

You expect me to believe

that that kind guy tried
to jack your Jimmy Choos

when he just returned to me
$500,000 that I tried to give him?

Why did you give
him $500,000?

Because that's the amount
you stole from him.

No! That is what I'm saying,
tits for brains!

I didn't steal from him.

I invested in his app!

How much?

$500,000.

(PHONE CHIMES)

It's from Thomas.

Ahh! No!

Let me see!
Let me see!

(JOSEPHINE READING)

(GASPS)

That means...

You're Thomas' nana.

- Oh, you sick perv!
- No! Christ, Penny!

Clearly, Thomas' nana was Medusa,
and she passed the torch on to him,

and now he's the
new Medusa.

What is wrong with you?

He didn't transfer
me the Bitcoin back.

He still has my 500,000.

And my 500,000.

Did we just give that boy
a million dollars?

Are you kidding me?

- Of all the lying...
- No!

- ...two-faced, conniving, cheating...
- Dude, are you serious?

...slimy millennial
bastard hacker...

I'm so angry
and horny right now!

...grifter shit-stained
assholes,

- he is the worst!
- (AIRPLANE FLIES OVERHEAD)

But he is kinda awesome,
too, right?

(SCREAMING)

Albert, I'm sorry
for calling your balls skeletal.

I know there's nothing
hard down there.

Suck it.

Thanks for letting me stay
the extra two weeks.

One more than
agreed upon.

Yeah, it was cozy,
wasn't it?

Aw.

What will your
next chapter be?

I was thinking
of going to Thailand.

Maybe Bangkok,

or (MISPRONOUNCING)
Phuket.

Phuket.

No, that's not
how you say it.

(SIGHS)

What's this?

It's your cut of
the Lord of the Rings con.

Ooh.

Minus expenses,
of course.

Wardrobe, catering,
prosthetics, et cetera.

And the cost of the
vases that you broke.

And the plumbing
issues I caused.

What?

Hmm?

Au revoir.

MAN: Yello! Make a hole, people.
Make a hole.

'Scuse me,
comin' through.

Come on, Ritchie
comin' through, baby.

'Scuse me, 'scuse me.
Thank you very much.

Okay, yeah.
Thank you very much.

All right. Okay.

Intros.

Cathy! Cathy, baby, you get that
rock-hard caboose up here this minute.

CATHY: Ritchie, slow down!

I have to catch my breath.

Oh, shut it, doll. You're in mint condition
and you know it.

Okay, so here's
the story.

I was showing Cathy here
some luxury property in Capri,

when I realized that
this lady's got some high-class taste.

And I don't just mean
for real estate, nope.

Cathy's an animal
lover, see...

But she doesn't just
like regular doggies and birdies.

She likes special furry friends
who are maybe... Oh!

...a little illegal.
Is that right, Cathy?

Yes, it is. Now, Cathy, what is it
you wanted to start?

It was a monastery
or something?

- A rare animal sanctuary and spa.
- I love it.

So I say to Cathy,
"You'll have to meet my friends."

We hopped in the dinghy,

we set sail,
and here we are!

Cathy, I want y'all
to meet South Africa's

most celebrated and discreet
endangered species dealer,

Imka Bekker.

Say, what's
wrong, Imka?

Exotic cat got
your tongue?

(CHUCKLES)
No. Howzit, Cathy?

It's such a pleasure to meet
a fellow wildlife enthusiast.

I love the springboks,
myself.

THOMAS AS RITCHIE: Me, too. Me, too.
Look at me being a total jackass.

I forgot to introduce
Imka's right-hand woman.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if y'all ever need a crocodile
just wrestled into submission,

Sheila Malarkey
is your gal.

Oh, but Sheila lost
her tongue tragically

to a very small but ferocious
red-crested wombat.

God bless her soul.

Shame.

She can sign, though.
Can't you, Sheila?

THOMAS AS RITCHIE: Yes.

Yes, she can.

- Okey-dokey.
- Yoh. Okay, okay.

CATHY: What's she saying?

- Okey-dokey.
- She says, everyone, please,

up to the house and, please,
enjoy some of her ice cream.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen.
Who likes ice cream?

I scream, you scream.
Everybody follow me, ladies and gentlemen.

We're headin' up this stone path,
right here.

Cathy, take this.
Everybody, look at Cathy.

She's the alpha dog. I want you
to follow her all the way up.

Keep going! At the top,
you're gonna find a little penguin man.

He's gonna spark the fuse
on the barbecue, baby.

'Cause we're havin'
red meat, baby!

(HOWLING)

(LAUGHS)

This year I made
$6 million.

So far.

Impressive.

How irritating.

But together,
we could make so much more.

So much more.

You guys are fantastic
at what you do.

My nana would
absolutely love you.

The three of us.

That'd be one
hell of a team.

You played me.

Penny, the only thing
I never lied about was you.

(SIGHS)

Listen.

First million
pays us back.

The second million
will be your apology.

Yeah, and if you ever
double-cross us again,

I withhold sex for
a whole year.

Or six months.

No, let's go
with 24 hours.

For like...

Until midmorning,
I will not be open as a shop.

- You done?
- Okay.

So don't cross us
ever again.

Deal.

So, are we doin' this?

MAN: Come on! They went
down this way.

Hurry up!

Damn it!
We lost them.

How could you
lose them?

How could you give
'em £200,000?

Uh, designer nipples
are not cheap.

Plus, that's like
500 American dollars.

- It really isn't.
- Hey! Hey, buddy!

Did you see two women run
by here a minute ago?

Oh. Yeah, with massive
wads of cash?

- MAN: Yeah.
- Yeah.

They ran that way.

Let's go!

Come on! Radio
for backup or somethin'.

Lucky Christmas dress,
you did it again.

I must say, Penny.

These outfits
are terribly clever.

Old but gold.

(THOMAS CHUCKLES)

Happy Christmas.

- Thomas, I got you a present.
- Thank you, Santa.

JOSEPHINE: No. I'm still here.

JOSEPHINE: Hortense,
is that what that's used for?

I don't see any butter
on that knife.

Now, Enrique, you were saying that
even though you yourself have benefited

economically from
immigrating to America,

you don't feel any additional Guatemalans
should be allowed into Palm Beach?

Yes, I believe we're at the tipping
point in this moment.

What ist thou
looking at?

Stop skulking
in the corner.

Thy had thy hand
on Rosalind's bosom!

Dost thou deny it?

Oh. Sweet Hortense
had her suitor's body

exhumed the day after
he was trampled.

It's folly, though.

(WHISPERS) The family will
never accept him.

You just don't like him
because he's black.

Sister, may I please
sing my song now?

Ooh, yes, of course,
darling, of course.

Hortense has written a song
to celebrate our engagement.

Isn't that marvelous?

No, wait,
I wanted the lute.

It is the lute.

Hmm.

All right,
this is a Hortense original.

(PLAYING OFF KEY)

(SCATTING)

(SINGING)
Wedding

Death

She had the finest tutors,
but you can't teach talent.

Bon appétit!