All language subtitles for The.Good.Place.S03E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

[suspenseful music]

♪

[door whooshes]

- Okay.

That was an insane thing
for us to do.

Oh!
Okay, good news.

I have The Doorman's key,

so no one will be able
to come after us.

Let's just try to--
[telephone ringing noise]

[ringing]

- Your key is ringing.

[electrical warbling]

- I have a question for you.

Are you out of your damn mind?

- Your Honor, look at it
from my point of view.

- I have never
been this angry in my life,

which is the age
of the universe!

- I understand, but saving
the souls of these four humans

is more important, so we're
not coming back until we do.

- Oh, don't you even try
coming back here,

because when you
walk through that door,

I am gonna be waiting
for you.

- Sorry, Judge,
I think you're breaking up.

- That's impossible.
It's a magical key, you dick.

What are you doing?
I can see you.

[door shuts]
- This is perfect.

We're right near
Chidi's office,

and as far as I can tell,
the whole floor is abandoned.

What do they use it for?
Storage?

- No, this is
the journalism department.

- Huh, bad for the world,
good for us.

So somehow,
with none of our powers,

we have to
keep the group intact

and monitor
their ethical progress.

[jaunty music]

So how--how do we do that?
- Not sure.

There's no way to track
people's actual point totals.

Only the Accountants
have that information.

But I did install
cameras and microphones,

so at least we can
keep our eye on them.

Let's get peeping!
- Oh!

- Oh, no.
Not a great start.

Eleanor farted, and then
she blamed it on her chair.

That's gonna cost her
at least a few points.

- There's a bolt missing,
or something.

- Before we begin, Trevor is
dropping out of the study.

He sent me an email last night.

"I'm sad to inform you
that I am too ugly and stupid

to be in the study and
I'm going home to my mommy."

- That was me.
I wrote that email.

- It's too bad,
but we press on.

We're on to Stage Two
of the study.

I'm going to teach you some
philosophical principles,

and then, we will explore
how those ideas

have affected your personal
moral machineries.

- [soft fart]

- Sorry, Eleanor,
did you say something?

- No, it's my chair.
It's got this weird design.

- Your chair smells bad.
- I know.

See, another person
who agrees it's the chair.

[bright music]

♪

- Great news, everyone.

The funding from
the neuroscience department

came through.
- Oh!

- And you blew it all
on cupcakes?

Exactly what I would have done.
Respect.

- Eleanor?
- Uh, I'm good.

I try to avoid pointless
group activities, you know?

Like office Christmas parties
or jury duty.

To me, the single most
awful sound in the universe

is that mangled opening note
of your co-worker

singing "Happy Birthday."

- Cool stance.
Counterpoint:

these are delicious,
free cupcakes.

Get over yourself and eat one.
- Fine.

- Oh, you guys,
let's take a picture.

Everyone, get in, get in,
and say, uh--

oh, say "ventromedial
pre-frontal cortex."

[all stammering]
Ventromedial--pre-frontal--

- Jaguars rule!

[soft dramatic music]

♪

- Hey, teach, I've been having
so much fun here,

but I didn't plan to stay
in Australia this long,

and I'm super broke.

Any idea where I can get
a part-time gig?

- What kind of work
are you looking for?

- Well, I'm really good
at telemarketing.

I can usually guess how long
to microwave food

without looking at the box.

I'd say those are
my two main skills.

- Okay.
- Dang it.

- I'll see what I can do.

- If Eleanor has to get a job,
she'll miss class,

and that will
slow down her progress.

- Are you sure
we should be doing this?

It kind of feels like cheating.

- No, no, no.
It's--it's not cheating.

Think of us as a snowplow,
clearing a path for Eleanor

so she can more easily drive
along the road of improvement.

- Ooh, I love that.

You really painted
a picture there.

- G'day.
How can I help you?

- One scratch-off
lottery ticket, please.

- Oh, not that one.
Keep going.

Keep going, keep going.

These tickets were printed
before we got down here.

I know which ones
are the winners.

And stop, that's the one.

Good old lucky number 186
from the bottom.

- Here you go.

- Also, that bathroom key that
you lost nine months ago

slid under the register,
and the woman that you think

is your aunt
is actually your mom.

Okay, bye.

♪

- You guys, this is nuts.

This morning,
I found a lottery ticket

on the ground outside
my apartment,

I scratched it off,
and I won $18,000!

- Wow!
- That's amazing!

- Better luck next time.

Yes, sorry, from context,

I see that is actually
a large sum of money.

♪

[pop]

- Jason?
Are you okay there, mate?

- No.

I have to watch the Jaguars
games alone on my computer

at like, 3:00 in the morning
on Mondays.

It's so annoying.

Everything here is in a--

I don't know how
to describe it.

Like, a different zone of time.

No, that sounds stupid.
A different clock land.

- I'll watch the game
with you, Jason.

I enjoy American football.
I actually dated a player once.

But he wasn't my type,

so I set him up with my friend,
Gisele... Bundchen.

- Yeah, we got it.
We always get it.

- Awesome, but if
you want to watch with me,

you have to learn
my Jaguars cheer.

It goes:

"Let's go Jags.
Kick their ass, yeah!"

Do you think you could
learn that by the weekend?

- I shall do my best.
- Nice, see you then.

- Why do you want to
watch football with Jason?

- I don't, really,
but I am, these days,

as you might say in America,
mad horny.

- Oh, okay.
- Oh, boy.

- Well, no judgments, babe.
He's a straight hottie.

You want to smash Jason,
go smash.

- Tahani getting together
with Jason, even casually,

could tear this group apart.

We have to nip this in the bud.

- Well, it makes me
slightly uneasy

to interfere in
the personal life of the man

that I'm secretly in love with,
and a woman I admire,

but if you think we should,
I--I'm not going to argue.

- Time to break out
the old snowplow again, Janet.

Let's find Tahani a loving,
supportive companion.

- Great idea.
- Oh, you know?

This is not as crucial
to the mission,

but I'd also love to arrange

for them to get
better computers.

Help them work faster.

- If I'm going to the mall
anyway, I might as well

pick Jason up some jean shorts.

The kind with the frayed edges

where you can see the pockets
coming out of the bottom.

So that he can study better.

- Sure.

[soft whimsical music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Tahani, is that you?

- Larry Hemsworth?
My goodness.

- That's so funny, I just
got a call from the restaurant

about a jacket I left here,
and now, here you are.

[both laugh]

I can't believe
you remember me.

- Of course I remember you.
We dated.

- I know, I just never expect
anyone to remember me.

Because I'm only 6'4"

and I have one of those
forgettable faces.

Well, uh, I'm sure you're busy.

Probably don't want
to talk to me.

I get it, I wouldn't either.
I'm as dull as a rock.

Ugh, even that analogy
was boring.

I'm sorry, I'm so dull,
and I'm ugly.

I'm like a rock.
Ugh, stupid Larry!

Stop talking about rocks!
- No, no, no, Larry, please.

It's lovely to see you.
Sit down, let's catch up.

How are Chris and Liam and Luke?

- [sighs]
- Sorry, no,

I won't mention
your brothers again.

As long as you
don't mention my sister.

- Oh!

[both laugh]

- Mmm-mm.

- Who are you?
Do you work here?

- Your name
is Montgomery Wycoff.

Your ex-wife, Samantha,
still loves you,

but she's afraid to call.

You must show her your poetry.
Go to her.

Go to her!

[soft whimsical music]

- Looks like you
had a good night.

- I did.
- You and Jason.

Imagine that.

To be fair, I have.

- Actually, I was with
an ex-boyfriend.

I ran into him unexpectedly.

The reunion was
a smash-ing success.

It was a pun, you see.
The--we had intercourse.

- Yeah, again, I always get it.
- I do feel bad, though.

I completely forgot about
watching the game with Jason.

- Homies, guess what?

Yesterday, I got
a Facebook invite

to the Australia chapter of the
Jacksonville Jaguars fan club!

- Yeah, I think he's over it.

- Me and two other dudes
just watched

the Jags annihilate the Texans!

It was super fun!
I'm completely wasted.

I got to go barf one last time,

and then I'll be ready
to learn philosophy!

Dude!
[yells]

- Okay, not perfect, but
the pros outweigh the cons.

- Agreed.

[soft whimsical music]

[together]
♪ Happy birthday dear Chidi

- You guys, this whole year
has been amazing for all of us.

I mean, literally every aspect
of our lives has improved.

- Well, I don't know about
every aspect.

SuperBoard, activate!

- Good morning,
professor Anagonye.

I have your lesson plan
ready to go.

- SuperBoard, some triumphant
announcement music, please.

[triumphant announcement music]

Last night, Larry Hemsworth
proposed to me,

and we're moving back to London
to begin planning the wedding.

- Whoa!
- Holy smokes!

- Janet, red alert.

All snowplowing
has to stop immediately.

- So don't give
Blake Bear-tles to Jason?

.

- How are you even
lugging this thing around?

I'm not sure I could bench
this much weight.

- Well,
girls in my social class

begin ring training
at a very young age.

Oh, I'm throwing a little

engagement party tonight
at my AirBnB.

It's very last-minute.

Just come as you are.

[elegant string music]

- I guess all these people

came as they were?

- Hello, everyone.
I'm so glad you made it.

- Holy crap, Tahani.
You found this place on AirBnB?

- Oh, no.
I see why you're confused.

I used "HeirBnB."
H-E-I-R.

It's an app
for heirs and heiresses

where we swap mansions,
private islands,

blimp hangars,
that sort of thing.

Anyway, everyone,

I want you to meet
Larry Hemsworth.

- Oh, the legendary study group.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long

to build up the courage
to meet you.

I guess you can see why.

- Is he ashamed at having
a perfect jaw line,

and 0% body fat?

- Still can't believe
she wants to marry me.

A dumb old pediatric surgeon
who barely has an 8-pack.

- Do you know
what you look like?

- More importantly,

did Miley Cyrus write the song
"Wrecking Ball"

about Chris's brother, Liam?

- Wonderful.

More questions about
my talented brothers.

God forbid there's a single day
when I'm the special one.

- No, sweetheart, don't go.
You're important, too!

Fixing babies' spines is
just as valuable as acting.

- Tahani booked a flight for
tomorrow morning, so

this party is our only chance
to talk them out of moving.

- Maybe we should just let them
go their separate ways, and

hope that they learned enough
to get into the Good Place.

- No, we know what'll happen.

The group splits up,
they're screwed, no.

We have to isolate Larry,
and convince him

that he needs
to stay in Australia.

Time to get into character as--

[Australian accent]
Nathaniel Cookswell, mate.

Caterer to the stars!
- Ah.

Maybe no accent.

- [normal voice]
Fine.

- Vegemite canapé?

- Ah, might as well.

[sighs]
Mummy was right.

I'll always be the chubby one.

- [Australian accent]
Good day, mate!

Nathaniel Cookswell.

Caterer to the stars.
- Mm.

- Is it true
you're moving to England?

- Yeah, I fly out tomorrow.
- Oh, ooh, that's a long trip.

Boy, you must be
a confident man.

Uprooting your life like that.

- You should stay here
in Sydney.

It's such a dynamic,
international city

that you've only seen 4.8% of.

Probably.

- I reckon I know
what's going on here.

You aren't real caterers,
are you?

- Uh--uh--uh--
- [exhaling]

- Who do you work for?

"Australian Inquirer"?
TM-Zed?

You just want us to stay here
so you can keep mocking me.

The hideous shame
of the Hemsworth family.

- Oh.
- Tahani sees through all that.

And I can't wait until

we move far away
from the likes of you,

and I can finally
take her last name.

- Hate to say it, but the group
probably needs a new member.

I don't know how
we'll ever replace Tahani.

Do you think Margot Robbie
is into philosophy?

- Actually,
Tahani's announcement

made us take stock.

You know, Simone and I
need time to

analyze the data,
apply for grants.

We've kind of hit
a natural stopping point.

- Yeah, and the next step would
be to repeat the experiment

with new subjects, you know,
compare results.

- Wait, what are you saying?

That the study's over?
We're splitting up?

- No, no, no,
we're just taking a break,

for a year or so.

And I'm sure you're
all anxious to get back home.

- Yeah, I got a lot of stuff
to get back to in Phoenix.

Like...

I have a free punch card
at my spray tan place.

They'll do my left side
for free, so.

[somber music]

- No, no, no, no, no!

The whole group is splintering.

Okay, new emergency plan.

I'll deal with Eleanor.

I--I know it's risky, but I
don't think she'll recognize me.

- And I'll deal with
Sweet Cheeks--I mean,

Jason's butt--I mean, Jason.

- [scoffs]

.

[suspenseful music]

- Shrimp?
- Always.

- So how do you know
Miss Al-Jamil?

You work with her
at the university?

- Used to.
That study is done-zo.

I was finally starting
to figure things out,

and now, I have to start over
from scratch, again.

- Boy, I know how that goes,
not wanting something to end,

feeling like your little team

is the last thing standing
between you and oblivion,

that at any moment,
the universe could

fold up around you,
and squeeze the last breath

from your dying lung.

- You're a caterer, right?

- It's a very
competitive industry.

The point is, I bet that if

the study means
that much to you,

it means a lot to everyone else.

You're all just probably
waiting for someone

to say it out loud.

♪

You want some cocktail sauce
with that?

- [clinking glass]

I would like to acknowledge

the wonderful group of people
who brought me here.

If I hadn't decided to
get out of the spotlight of

my "Get Out of the Spotlight"
tour,

and come here,
and joined the Brainy Bunch,

I never would have
reconnected with Larry.

[crowd aww's]

So, to celebrate our group,

I had my favorite patissier
whip this up.

[soft giggle]

Would any of you
like to say a few words?

Eleanor!

[crowd applauds]
Yay, Eleanor.

- If nobody minds.

Uh, I would like to address

the people on this cake,
I suppose.

I get that we all have

meaningful lives
outside this study.

Well, Tahani and Chidi do.
Jason and I are straight trash.

- [caws]

- But just, I mean,
think about how much progress

we've all made since
that picture was taken.

I know that what
we're doing is important,

and I'm not ready to stop.

And I don't think
you guys are, either.

So let's all stay here
and keep it going.

What do you say?

- Eleanor,
that was absolutely lovely.

- It really was, and I'm--

I'm so glad that this study
meant that much to you.

But, realistically--

- That's cool, I get it.

No, you don't need to say it.
I--I got it.

That's all she wrote, cool.
- Are you okay?

I hope you're not mad.
- No, I'm not mad.

I'm actually laughing,
because this whole study

was a hilarious,
stupid, pointless joke,

and now it's over,
so let's hit the road.

I don't need you guys.
You don't need me.

And since you don't need me,

I'm just going to take
the "me" out of this cake.

- No, no.
[all gasp]

Eleanor, please!

- [mocking accent]
Oh, sorry, the deed is done.

Pip pip, too late.

Farewell to you, my liege.

And a jolly good Saint
Ploopington's Day to all of you.

[normal voice]
USA! USA! USA!

[soft whimsical music]

- Eleanor?
Is that you?

- No.

I called a cab like,
20 minutes ago.

It says it's
ten kilometers away,

which is
I don't even know how far.

- It's a little over six miles.

- Is that why you
came out here?

To scold me
about the metric system?

- No, I was about to
call a cab myself.

I have an early class tomorrow.

Then, I saw my friend
hiding behind a plant,

and I got concerned.

Then, my friend
lashed out at me again,

so I'm gonna take off,

and uh, leave her here
with dirty leaves in her hair.

- Wait, wait, wait-wait-wait.

Wait-wait, I'm sorry.
[bottle clanks]

I'm sorry.
Don't go.

You're a brain scientist.

Can you tell me
why I did that in there?

- I mostly do clinical research
in neuroscience.

I don't really specialize
in temper tantrums.

Maybe you need
a child psychologist.

Or a binky.

- That's a solid burn.
I deserved it, I did.

But please, can you help me?

Why did I do that?

- Okay, here's my guess.

As humans evolved,
the first big problem

we had to overcome was
"me versus us."

Learning to sacrifice
a little individual freedom

for the benefit of a group.

You know, like
sharing food and resources

so we don't starve or get eaten
by tigers, things like that.

- Okay, with you so far.

- The next problem to overcome
was "us versus them,"

trying to see other groups
different from ours as equals.

That one, we're still
struggling with.

That's why we have
racism and nationalism and--

why fans of
Stone Cold Steve Austin

hate fans of The Rock.

- No, we hate The Rock
because he went Hollywood,

and Stone Cold keeps it real,

so The Rock's fans
are the real jabronis.

Point made.
Keep going.

- Well, what's interesting
about you is

I don't think you ever got past
the "me versus us" stage.

I mean, have you ever
been part of a group

that you really cared about?

- I was in the Girl Scouts.
- Really?

- Technically,
I joined under a fake name

because I wanted to
steal a bunch of cookies.

- See, the Brainy Bunch
is basically the first group

that became part
of your self-identity.

And now that's breaking up,

you're feeling this
new kind of loss,

and you're scared of going back
to being alone.

I mean, that's just my guess.

The other possible
medical diagnosis

is that you're just
a bit of a dick.

[both laugh]

[bright music]

- Why don't you take my cab?

I think me needs to
go apologize to us.

And thank you.
[exhales]

.

- The point is, I'm not really
an "I'm sorry" type girl.

I'm more of a "it's your fault
your car got keyed

"in the movie theatre
parking lot because you

wouldn't shut up
while watching 'John Wick'"

type girl.

But I'm sorry
that I freaked out.

I'm just really
going to miss you guys.

- We're going to miss you, too.
- Here's an idea.

What if we all agree
to a yearly reunion?

And then that way,
the Brainy Bunch never dies.

Each summer, we can all stay in
one of our respective houses,

mega-yachts, ski chalets,
what have you.

- We should all meet up
in Jacksonville.

My house is right on the water.

It didn't used to be,
but the whole city is a swamp,

and it's sinking
into the ocean.

- Whoo, strong pitch, bud.

- Next year in Jacksonville.

- Yeah.

Uh, we might not
want to wait a whole year.

It's sinking really fast.

- We should have a toast.
- [exhales]

- Okay, I think
I've figured out a plan

where they stay in Australia,

and only five
random bystanders get hurt.

It's called arson. Let's go.
[torch clicks, whooshes]

- Michael, no.
We can't keep meddling forever.

It's time to park the snowplow

and trust that the humans will
make progress on their own.

This isn't like your afterlife
neighborhood, Michael.

You can't just reset things

the moment something doesn't go
according to your plan.

- Oh, Janet.
You're a genius.

- Correct.
I know everything.

- You just gave me
this crazy idea.

It's so crazy,
it just might--fail.

It'll probably fail,
but it also might work.

I open the door
to the afterlife.

You keep a lookout, while I
break into the Judge's chamber,

and reset the timeline
on Earth.

And we do it all over again,
but correctly.

We won't wait a year to get
them all together again.

We'll get the study going
right away.

- Do you even know how to
reset the timeline on Earth?

- No, I'm assuming
that there's, you know,

a knob, or--or a button,
or you know, maybe you--

maybe you unplug it and
then plug it right back in.

I--I don't ca--
there's got to be a way.

- Michael, before you do this--
- No, no more waiting!

This is all we have, Janet!

We have Chidi and Eleanor
and Tahani and Jason,

and that is it.

If we can't get them
enough afterlife points

to get them
into the Good Place,

then there's no point in us
even being here.

We have to try.

- Okay.
Let's do this.

- Okay.

[electrical warbling]

- What the hell is that?

- Oh.
[chuckles] Hey guys.

What are you doing down here?