All language subtitles for The Whoopee Boys (1986).264896.eng

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

See the ace? I put it down.
Okay, there it is.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Show me the ace.
There's your dollar, huh?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

There's no way you can lose
at this game.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

This is a Polish shell game.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

All you gotta do
is find the red ball.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

José Feliciano, Stevie Wonder,
Ray Charles have won.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

I couldn't make this game
any easier if I pointed to it.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Now, which one do you want?
Aha.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Ah, see?
There's a dollar. You won.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Now, how about you, Fong? You
wanna get in on this?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

I'm here to give them away.
I'm telling you, man.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

You can have it up
to your eyebrows.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

You're gonna make money.
I couldn't make this any easier.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

( indistinct chattering )

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Yo. Yo, man,
what are you doing?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

You got a license
for this stuff?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

License?
Yeah.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Leave him alone.
There's room for everybody.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Okay now, Fong, look here.
Look here.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Any of these games is gonna
get you to Hong Kong, okay?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Wait. See, this is our street.
You're gonna have to move along.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

No, no, no, see.
Like, this is America, see?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Free enterprise.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

It's the supply side
Reaganomics.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

No, man. Fuck Reaganomics.
Get the fuck out of here.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Oh, come on, man.
This is my life's work.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Is this your work here?
Yeah, this is mine.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Yeah, well, how about that?
What the fuck is wrong with you?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

BARNEY:
Hey, hey.
Wait, wait. Stop. Stop!

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

I'm trying to run
a business here.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Can't somebody screw somebody
out of a buck

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

without you both fighting?
Who is this?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

All right, break it up!
You're all under arrest.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

And it's strike three
for you, fella.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey.
You get it, pal? Huh?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

POLICEMAN: Ugh.
Forgive my man, sir.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

BARNEY:
Hey, thanks for saving my ass.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

JAKE:
It's so cold, I had to do
something to keep warm.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

BARNEY:
Jake, I know
where we can get a car.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Let's get out of town.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

WOMAN ( over speaker ):
I need the invoice
on the green station wagon.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Hi. How you doing?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Hello.
Hello.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

We understand you have a couple
cars that need to be driven.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Yeah, I've got a Volkswagen
and a Cadillac.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Great, great, great.
Where are they going?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Volkswagen's going
to Fargo, North Dakota,

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

provided the blizzard
lets up out there.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

No, that's not us.
No.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

What about the Cadi?
Palm Beach.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Yeah. All right.
You're getting one of these.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Promised to one
of my regular drivers.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Oh.
I'll handle this.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

You know,

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

I bet that behind
those glasses, you're a kook.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Come on. Come over here
for a second.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Let me see-- Oh, honey.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

( chuckles )
You are making me a nervous man.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Wow, Ali MacGraw. Look.
Definitely.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

And better behind these.
Oh.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

These are your fish,
aren't they?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

You got little pet names
for them?

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Bet you do.
Come on. Tell me.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Tell me. Come on.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Peabody.
Peabody.

BARNEY:
See the ace? I put it down.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

See Peabody here? See him?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Now, I'm gonna eat
every single one of these fish

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

unless we get that Cadi.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

( over speaker ):
Attention, everyone.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Peabody is in sushi heaven.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

So are we going south
or what?

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

You can have the Cadillac.
Don't eat my fish, please.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

Okay.

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

( ZZ Top's "Stages" playing )

Tell you what I'm gonna do.

BARNEY:
Whoa. Heat sinking bimbos
at 3 o'clock.

Pootang time.

BARNEY:
Whoa. Heat sinking bimbos
at 3 o'clock.

¶ It's a fine time
To fall in love with you ¶

¶ I ain't got
A single thing...¶

It's getting hot.

¶ I ain't got
A single thing...¶

I know, I love it.
I was born to be hot.

¶ I ain't got
A single thing...¶

Cold weather
shrinks my dick.

¶ I ain't got
A single thing...¶

¶ I knew what was going on ¶

¶ I ain't got
A single thing...¶

BARNEY:
Hey, let's stop
and take a shower.

I got underarms from hell.

BARNEY:
Hey, let's stop
and take a shower.

¶ I was gone ¶

BARNEY:
Hey, let's stop
and take a shower.

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

MOTEL MANAGER:
Hey, you guys,
what are you doing?

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Are you guests here?

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Potential guests, yes.

My name's Jake.
This is my friend, Barney.

Potential guests, yes.

Hi.

Potential guests, yes.

¶ Standing all alone ¶

Potential guests, yes.

¶ I couldn't even get you
On the phone ¶

Potential guests, yes.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

You're in Georgia.
Yeah.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

I told you.
We're still in the South.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

Give me the 5.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

¶ Stay
Or if you had to go ¶

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

¶ Stages keep on changing ¶

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

I had an uncle
who was a waiter in Palm Beach,

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

and he told me people throw
these fabulous parties.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

They get shrimp
the size of a bull's balls,

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

and they, like,
don't even eat them.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

They just, like,
nibble a little bit.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

Aah, ha, ha!

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

Palm Beach. All the women here
are beautiful.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

You know why? Because
Florida looks like a dick.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

Look at the map. It looks like
a big dick hanging out.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

This place is great.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

Let's see what the rich
and filthy are doing.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

I'll bet
they're having a party.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

They ain't got nothing else
to do.

Excuse me, sir!
What state are we in?

( car horn honks musically )

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

1636 Bayshore. We're here.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

VALET:
Park your car, sir?

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Try not to scratch it.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Looks pretty heavy.
Yeah.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Better go
with the sunglasses.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

I think so.

¶ Now you're back-- ¶

Yeah.

( band playing
upbeat music )

Yeah.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

Duncan Dublin.
Hi, Dunc.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

How are you?
Fine.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

Duncan.
Dunc, uh, whose party is this?

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

It's the Durdensmythe's party.
They give it every year.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

It's the anniversary
of Ralph's death.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

Ralph.
Ralph.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

Pardon us.
Have a nice time.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi.

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

Hi.
Hello.

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

Hello.
Hello.

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

So nice to see you.
How do you do?

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

You know, we knew Ralph,
and he was one of the funniest

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

and brightest minds
of his generation.

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

Without question.
Yeah.

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

Well,
where did you know Ralph?

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

New York.
New York.

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

You knew our dog
in New York?

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

( chuckles )

Hello. Hi.
Hello there.

Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss
a business opportunity with you.

I make it a point not to discuss
business at social functions.

Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss
a business opportunity with you.

Okay, what about pussy?

Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss
a business opportunity with you.

What?
Hey, get a grip on yourself.

There's money here. We're not
leaving without it, right?

What?
Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Right.

What?
Hey, get a grip on yourself.

I'll take the high road.
I'm going low.

What?
Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Ooh!

What?
Hey, get a grip on yourself.

Hey, como esta usted?

Ah, Perry Como's dead?

Hey, como esta usted?

What's happening?

Damn.

Are these real?

Damn.

Did you get these for her?
Yes.

Damn.

Goddamn.
You love this bitch, huh?

Damn.

Mm.

Damn.

How much does something
like that go for?

Damn.

I mean,
just a ballpark figure.

Damn.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Navy.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Oh, yeah.
You're like...

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

¶ Be all that you can be ¶

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

"It's not just a job"
and all that shit, huh?

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Yeah.
What's happening? This your son?

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

No. He's a--
That is my nephew.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Yeah. I didn't think
he was your son.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

He looks Iranian to me.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

You know, my sister, Maria,
she married this Iranian guy,

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

and they are hairy
son of a bitches.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

You know what I mean? They got
hair on their chest,

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

on their back,
on their buns,

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

we're talking
Winnie the Pooh.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

We're talking Chewbacca.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

You know, Star Wars?
The guy that goes...

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

( grunts )

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Remember that?

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

And then Cornelia
throws a drink

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

all over Kimberly's
de la Renta.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Kimberly had a fit.
They met up later at the disco.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

But that Coconut Grove gang,
they can really party.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Yup. Sounds like a lot of fun.
Well, you should have come.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Snookie,
you got my phone call.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

What do you think about
this business proposition?

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Half a million dollars in it
for you.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Hold it, darling.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

You know I never deal
in small amounts.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

I'll get
some hors d'oeuvres.

Hey, you're in the Army,
huh?

Hello.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Heh, yeah.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Heh. Oh.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

You mean
like not married single?

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Never mind.
I'm sorry, Forgive me.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

No, no, no, that's okay.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

That's okay
because I am single.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

I don't even know you.
I mean...

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Who are you? A friend
of the Durdensmythe's?

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Oh, yeah, and Ralph's.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Great dog.
Yeah. Yeah.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Olivia. Howdy.

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Great. (
chuckles )

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

( band playing
upbeat music )

( scoffs ):
Are you by any chance single?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Livy, doll!
Where you been?

Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ah. Hiya, honey,
where you been?

OLIVIA:
Strobe, will you
leave me alone?

Ah. Hiya, honey,
where you been?

God, does that girl love me.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

I'm telling you, man.
This woman is it.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

Well, why her?
She's got a business deal

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

worth
half a million dollars.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

Shh.
Oh, God.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

There goes our car.
You should've returned it.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

It's a little overdue.
A little overdue? Six weeks.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

I thought it was like
a library book.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

The worst they do,
send a note to your parents.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

It's a Cadillac. What are we
gonna do for transportation now?

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

OLIVIA:
Hi.

( man speaking indistinctly
over the radio )

JAKE:
Hi. How you doing?

You need a lift or something?
As a matter of fact, we do,

JAKE:
Hi. How you doing?

but we live far out of town.

JAKE:
Hi. How you doing?

Why don't we go over
to my place?

JAKE:
Hi. How you doing?

Yeah, we'd love to.

JAKE:
Hi. How you doing?

Good. Climb on in.

JAKE:
Hi. How you doing?

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

After a long drive,

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

my underwear
starts crawling up my ass.

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

So I gather Daddy doesn't
deliver pizza for a living.

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

OLIVIA:
No. I own it.

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

BARNEY:
My Aunt Delores lives in a house
like this in Beverly Hills.

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays.

BARNEY:
Oh, man,
my legs are killing me. Ah.

So, what's
with all the candles?

You real Catholic
or something?

So, what's
with all the candles?

Heh. Steady.

So, what's
with all the candles?

( scatting frightful tune )

So, what's
with all the candles?

Shh. Shh, shh, shh.
Easy. Easy.

So, what's
with all the candles?

You're gonna wake the kids.

So, what's
with all the candles?

JAKE:
Uh, are you married?

So, what's
with all the candles?

No. But I hope to be.

So, what's
with all the candles?

Here's your room.

Well, you two
have a good time, huh?

( chuckles )

Well, you two
have a good time, huh?

Well, good night.

Well, you two
have a good time, huh?

( Barney snoring )

( snoring continues )

( French horn plays )

( children laughing )

( French horn plays )

( snores )

( indistinct chattering
and piano playing )

( snores )

Okay. Fifth position.

Oh, great. Very good, guys.

Okay. Fifth position.

Hi there.

Okay. Fifth position.

Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.

( fart )

Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.

GIRL:
Excuse me. I farted.

Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.

Um, don't laugh.

Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.

Second position.

Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.

( fart, laughter )

Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.

Put your arms down.
That's it. That's it.

That's it.
Go on out and play.

Put your arms down.
That's it. That's it.

( indistinct chattering )

Come on.
I'll show you around.

( indistinct chattering )

You see, I need investors.

( indistinct chattering )

I need money.
I need your money.

( indistinct chattering )

Hmm, yeah. Yeah.

( indistinct chattering )

Uh, Mr. Jake, I don't think
you understand here.

( indistinct chattering )

You see, I have this school.
Yeah.

( indistinct chattering )

And I need more teachers.

( indistinct chattering )

I need immediate,
immediate funds.

( indistinct chattering )

Yeah. Right. See, I thought
you were an heiress.

( indistinct chattering )

I am. The problem
is I can't get my hands on it

( indistinct chattering )

unless I get married.

( indistinct chattering )

People marry for money
all the time.

( indistinct chattering )

( sighs )

( indistinct chattering )

No, people do not always
have to marry

( indistinct chattering )

one of these
Palm Beach jerks.

( indistinct chattering )

My uncle, he's got to approve
of my choice.

( indistinct chattering )

Now, the only person
that he's going to approve of

( indistinct chattering )

is somebody that he thinks

( indistinct chattering )

is one of these
so-called perfect gentlemen.

( indistinct chattering )

So, what's the problem?

( indistinct chattering )

The problem is that there
is a certain developer

( indistinct chattering )

who's gonna turn this place
into condos.

( indistinct chattering )

I have to get my hands
on that money in 30 days.

( indistinct chattering )

He sounds like
a swell guy.

( indistinct chattering )

( boat horn honking )

( indistinct chattering )

I'd love to meet
this prince.

( indistinct chattering )

Ah, here's your chance.

( indistinct chattering )

( boat horn
continues honking )

( indistinct chattering )

I forgive you
for the other night.

Come on. I know how you get
when you're having your period.

I forgive you
for the other night.

But what is the big deal
about this condominium?

I forgive you
for the other night.

( women scream )

They mean nothing to me, baby,
it's you that I want.

( women scream )

I can wait all, all day,

( women scream )

all night and all afternoon,
honey, but--

( women scream )

Uh-oh, you've only got 30 days.
Ciao, baby.

( women scream )

( boat engine revving up )

( women scream )

Could you use
a couple extra hands

on this ranch, ma'am?

Could you use
a couple extra hands

Oh, I sure could.

Let's go!

Oh, I sure could.

( Jake indistinctly
shouting )

Oh, I sure could.

( Micky Dolenz & Peter Tork's
"That Was Then,
This Is Now" playing )

Oh, I sure could.

( children indistinctly
chattering )

¶ You always say
You like my style ¶

( children indistinctly
chattering )

BARNEY:
All right.

( children indistinctly
chattering )

¶ You say I'm tough
And kind of wild ¶

( children indistinctly
chattering )

¶ Am I too much
For you to take? ¶

( indistinct chattering )

¶ Am I too much
For you to take? ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

Here it is. Chance Dancer
in the second at Aqueduct.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Six and a half furlong.
We're talking money here.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'll take a chance.
All right.

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ No, this I won't deny ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I'll give our love ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I'll give it more
Than a try ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

Whoops. Oh, oh.

Okay, okay, I got it.

( laughs )

Okay, okay, I got it.

Yeah.
Can I tell you something?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm not interested.
You are. You are. Don't--

Okay, okay, I got it.

Can I tell you something?
What?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm having a great time.

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I'll make you proud ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ I never made ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ Never made ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ This kind of vow ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

Put up your hands.

Okay, okay, I got it.

¶ This is now ¶

Okay, okay, I got it.

We don't put our hands
on a Cobra wax job.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Hey, man, this is the largest
Pinto they make, huh?

Okay, okay, I got it.

I'm up to your stupid
little game.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Look, it was only a kid.

Okay, okay, I got it.

We have nothing to say
Whitey. Whitey.

Okay, okay, I got it.

to each other.
Let it go.

Okay, okay, I got it.

Troy, look.

These make great Frisbees.

Troy, look.

( scatting )

Troy, look.

( knock on door )

OLIVIA:
Can I talk to you?

Can I talk to--?
No.

I'm miserable.

I can't spend another evening
that way.

I'm miserable.

I'm sunk.

I'm miserable.

Electricity's been off
for a month,

I'm miserable.

they're gonna disconnect
the phone.

I'm miserable.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

I'm glad you feel this way.
Marry me.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

You'll get the money,
we'll get divorced.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

Come on.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

( chuckles )

It's okay.
( scoffs )

You can't fool my uncle.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

Jake, you can't pass
as a gentleman.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

You can't even pass
the butter.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

I'll mow him down.

It's okay.
( scoffs )

( romantic theme playing )

It's okay.
( scoffs )

Mm-- Mm-mm.

Uh-uh. No, ha, ha.

Mm-- Mm-mm.

No, heh.

Mm-- Mm-mm.

Jake, I think you're great,

but you gotta drop
that line of thought.

Jake, I think you're great,

You understand.

Oh, yeah, I understand.

( door slams )
JAKE: Ugh.

I just don't understand.

( door slams )
JAKE: Ugh.

BARNEY:
You're gonna give me
a heart attack.

( door slams )
JAKE: Ugh.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

I blew it.
You blew who?

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

No. The thing with Olivia.
I blew it.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Oh.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Well, what did she say, man?

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

She said
I didn't have any class.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Well, she's right.
You don't.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Listen to me,
you mound hound.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

This is the first time
in my life

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

I'm serious about somebody.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Whoa.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

I think.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

You just stay right there
and let old Uncle Barn

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

give you a lifetime's worth
of experience

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

in chasing pussy.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

You know
what your problem is?

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Your problem is you don't know
how to talk to women.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Whoa.
I'll take that back.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Your problem is
you talk to women.

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

You think Elvis ever had to say
diddly squat to get laid?

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

No.
All he had to do was go...

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Ha!

What's your problem?
Help me out here.

Huh.
That's all.

You need help.
You need professional help.

Huh.
That's all.

And you need Hemily.

Huh.
That's all.

Right, Hemily.
What's Hemily?

Huh.
That's all.

Hemily, the lady
that teaches hetiquette.

Huh.
That's all.

Oh, I see.

Huh.
That's all.

You mean Emily Post?

Huh.
That's all.

Yeah, you know, uh...

Huh.
That's all.

She'll teach you
what fork to use,

Huh.
That's all.

the proper soup spoon.

Huh.
That's all.

This bitch
basically makes a living

Huh.
That's all.

out of showing people
how to put shit

Huh.
That's all.

in and out of their mouth.

Huh.
That's all.

Look, I'm gonna let my fingers
do the walking for you.

Huh.
That's all.

You need...

Huh.
That's all.

You need
to go to charm school.

Huh.
That's all.

I'm not going
to charm school.

Huh.
That's all.

What?
Uh-uh.

Huh.
That's all.

You're not going
to charm school?

Huh.
That's all.

Fine.

Huh.
That's all.

But I'll tell you
what's gonna happen.

Huh.
That's all.

In a couple of weeks,
some rich schmuck

Huh.
That's all.

is gonna be schtooping
your girl.

Huh.
That's all.

I got an idea.
Charm school. I like it.

Great. And I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you.

I got an idea.
Charm school. I like it.

And you know, hey, I don't
need no fucking manners.

I got an idea.
Charm school. I like it.

( belches )

I got an idea.
Charm school. I like it.

Promise me you won't get married
until you see me again.

You don't knock.
No, not in a crisis.

Promise me you won't get married
until you see me again.

Promise me.

Promise me you won't get married
until you see me again.

Okay.
Ah, great!

( Michael Been & The Call's
"I Still Believe" playing )

Okay.
Ah, great!

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ For 40 days
For only a spark ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

Where is this place?

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ To light my way ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

Chill out, man.

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

To see this place
is to love this place, okay?

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ Through the cries ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ And through the wars ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ Oh, I still believe ¶

¶ I've been in a cave ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

BARNEY:
Hey, I remember this.
Wait a minute.

¶ La, la, la ¶

This is... This is the jungle
safari right at Disneyland.

¶ La, la, la ¶

And right up here,
there's some hippopotamuses.

¶ La, la, la ¶

Watch, watch.
Keep your eye open.

¶ La, la, la ¶

Oh, shit.

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Out at sea ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Hoping these waves
Don't cover me ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Through the rain ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ And through the tears ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Through the crowds ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ And through the cheers ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

¶ Oh, I still believe ¶

¶ La, la, la ¶

Phelps?

No. I'm Humping the butler.

Phelps?

Who's fucking the maid?
( chuckles )

Phelps?

If you don't stay clean,

Phelps?

the jungle will move in
and take you over.

Phelps?

Yeah.

Phelps?

Over there.

BARNEY:
Did you notice?
He ain't got no chin.

( man singing in Italian
on phonograph )

( needle scratches record )

What do you want?

JAKE:
Is this the Phelps Institute?

What do you want?

Perhaps. Why?
Uh, we owe you any money?

What do you want?

Hey, wait a minute. This is
the charm school, isn't it?

What do you want?

Who are you?

What do you want?

I'm Mr. Bateman. This is
my associate, Mr. Benar.

What do you want?

He spoke to you
on the phone.

What do you want?

Oh. Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.

What do you want?

Are you alone? Hey, hold on.

What do you want?

I'm not going in there.

What do you want?

Get in there.

What do you want?

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

who has been detained,
and myself,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

I'd like to welcome you,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

students
of the winter session

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

of the Phelps Institute
of Etiquette.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

In the days to come,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

we will learn
that armed with etiquette,

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

we can take
our social fancies

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

with cool heads

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

and confident hearts.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Now, I think at this time

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

it might be instructive

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

if we all
introduced ourselves.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Who'd like to start?
I would.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Mr. Um-- Ba-- Ba--

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Bateman. Bateman.
I'm Jake Bateman.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

I just wanna say I'm here

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

because I have no one else
that I can turn to.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

I feel like
I share a common bond

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

with each
and every one of you.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

With you, sir, with you.
And you, sir.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

And, uh...

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Yeah, even you.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Okay. Heh-heh-heh.

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

So I just want this to be
a really up thing for all of us

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

and let's get started, okay?

On behalf of Colonel Phelps,

Hi, everybody.

My name is Eddie.
Eddie Lipschultz.

Hi, everybody.

The only reason I came

Hi, everybody.

is because my mother's
new boyfriend said

Hi, everybody.

I couldn't stay
in her bedroom any more.

Hi, everybody.

I thought
if I came to charm school,

Hi, everybody.

maybe there was a chance--

Hi, everybody.

I figured there
might be a possibility--

Hi, everybody.

I figured that perhaps
I may be able to--

Hi, everybody.

BARNEY:
Get laid, huh?

Hi, everybody.

I thought so.

Hi, everybody.

Shitlips, my friend.
we have saying in my country.

Hi, everybody.

Tiger that does not
ram the goose,

Hi, everybody.

strokes the goat. Heh.

Hi, everybody.

This is America. We don't
do no goat-stroking here,

Hi, everybody.

you sheet wearing faggot.

Hi, everybody.

ROY:
This is not a sheet
and I am not a faggot.

Hi, everybody.

My name is Roy Rajmataj.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, do you mind
if we just call you Roy Raja?

Hi, everybody.

( Barney laughs )

Hi, everybody.

( chuckles )
You may call me Lion of Kashmir.

Hi, everybody.

And you may call me
the boner of East L.A.

Hi, everybody.

My friend, you must learn
to respect the Hindu people.

Hi, everybody.

Respect? I love them.

Hi, everybody.

Hindus? What's not to like?

Hi, everybody.

Gandhi, what a movie, huh?

Hi, everybody.

This man was macho.

Hi, everybody.

He defeated
the British empire

Hi, everybody.

with like a million
7-Eleven workers.

Hi, everybody.

Uh, excuse me one sec--
It wasn't quite like that.

Hi, everybody.

Let's go to someone else.

Hi, everybody.

Uh...

Hi, everybody.

Yoo-hoo.

Hi, everybody.

Yoo-hoo.

Would you like to join us
for a while?

Yoo-hoo.

My name's Shelley.

I've just spent 15 years
in prison,

My name's Shelley.

and I feel it's important
that I readjust to society.

My name's Shelley.

Oh, yeah?
What were you in for?

They said
I killed my parents

and my little brother Joey

They said
I killed my parents

with an axe.

They said
I killed my parents

That's really awful.

They said
I killed my parents

You must have been innocent.

They said
I killed my parents

Yeah.

They said
I killed my parents

Maybe I was.

They said
I killed my parents

Okay, that's it.
Look. Listen.

They said
I killed my parents

I'm not thrilled
to be with you people

They said
I killed my parents

in the first place, okay?

They said
I killed my parents

I'm Officer White.

They said
I killed my parents

I'm here because
my precinct captain thought

They said
I killed my parents

that four
brutality convictions

They said
I killed my parents

and three
chokehold violations meant

They said
I killed my parents

that I had
an attitude problem.

They said
I killed my parents

I do not have
an attitude problem.

They said
I killed my parents

Don't fuck with me.

They said
I killed my parents

Personally,

I don't think
you've ever been fucked...

Personally,

...with.

Personally,

Aah.
Maybe my luck's about to change.

Personally,

BARNEY:
Ugh. Easy, lady. Boy.

Personally,

What underarms.

Personally,

Yeah,
my name is Barney Bonaire,

Personally,

and I'm here with Jake, see?

Personally,

Because, uh--
Well, like, we met this girl

Personally,

and he's trying to nail her--

Personally,

Uh, ahem. Uh-uh.

Personally,

What?

Personally,

But, I mean,
he cares for her--

Sure he wants to fuck her,
but he cares for her a--

But, I mean,
he cares for her--

( whistles then mutters )

But, I mean,
he cares for her--

Look, I'm just with him.

But, I mean,
he cares for her--

( Humping clears throat )

But, I mean,
he cares for her--

The Colonel has arrived,
Madam.

But, I mean,
he cares for her--

( scoffs )

( Henrietta clears throat )

HENRIETTA:
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

( Henrietta clears throat )

I'd like to introduce you
to my husband, Colonel Phelps...

( Henrietta clears throat )

And, um...

( Henrietta clears throat )

I'm afraid
I've had rather a bad day

( Henrietta clears throat )

at the track in Miami,
my dear.

( Henrietta clears throat )

As a result
of my little debt,

( Henrietta clears throat )

I agreed to enroll
Mrs. Antonucci

( Henrietta clears throat )

and her unborn child--

( Henrietta clears throat )

Giuseppe.
Uh, Giuseppe.

( Henrietta clears throat )

Into our little institute here
to teach her--them--

( Henrietta clears throat )

the finer aspects
of social intercourse.

( Henrietta clears throat )

No, no, no.
Anybody teaches her

( Henrietta clears throat )

any kind of intercourse
ends up in the trunk of a car.

( Henrietta clears throat )

You got it wrong,
general.

( Henrietta clears throat )

I'm counting on you
to do the right thing.

( Henrietta clears throat )

Otherwise, I'll redecorate
this fucking dump

( Henrietta clears throat )

with your fingers.
You got it?

( Henrietta clears throat )

I'll be back in a week.
Give me a kiss, Clorinda.

( Henrietta clears throat )

Come on, plant it.

( Henrietta clears throat )

Perhaps you'll allow us
to show you to your car,

( Henrietta clears throat )

Mr. Anto--
Thank you.

( Henrietta clears throat )

Remember what I said, okay?

( Henrietta clears throat )

( scatting love theme
from The Godfather )

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

ROY: I Dream of Jeannie.
WHITE: Howdy Doody's on.

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

( indistinct chattering )

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

HENRIETTA:
In point of fact,

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

you are all the stars
this evening.

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Some of you may have noticed

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

that the colonel and I
did not join you for dinner,

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

because Colonel Phelps
had placed himself

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

in strategic positions
and was videotaping

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

the entire episode.

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Do you remember
the first course?

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

At the end of this week,

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

you will not only know
the meaning

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

of the word escargot,

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

but you will also know
how to eat them.

BARNEY:
Oh, great, can you put on MTV?

Hey, yo. Humping.

HUMPING:
Yes, sir?

Hey, yo. Humping.

( sneezes and sniffles )

Hey, yo. Humping.

Is that delicious?

Hey, yo. Humping.

( laughing )

Hey, yo. Humping.

Heh. Ooh.

Hey, what's that?

It's a snail.

Hey, what's that?

( mimicking
roaring plane engine )

Hey, what's that?

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

HENRIETTA:
I did give you
quite a simple test

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

during the soup course.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

I put a fly in each bowl.

Argh. Argh. Argh. Aah. Argh.

Hey, what's your problem?

No problem. Heh.

Hey, what's your problem?

( slurping )

( slurping continues )

Oh. Oh.

( blowing )

Huh, oh.

( blowing )

( blowing continues )

( blowing )

( moaning )

Hold it. Hold it. That's not
another snail, is it?

No. It's a fly.

Hold it. Hold it. That's not
another snail, is it?

Aah!

Hold it. Hold it. That's not
another snail, is it?

There is a right way
and a wrong way to eat fish.

Hold it. Hold it. That's not
another snail, is it?

Wrong.

Your mama's a blowfish.
You're gonna get it.

Wrong.

Now, didn't I tell you
not to come around

Wrong.

my neighborhood no more.

Wrong.

( grunting )

Wrong.

I'll cut your balls off,
man.

Wrong.

Do fish have balls?

( chuckles then snorts )

Do fish have balls?

( growls )

( scatting )

( growls )

Hey!

Oh, would you like to disco?
Of course.

Hey!

Okay, you just stand
right there and go,

Hey!

¶ My girl wants to party
All the time ¶

Hey!

¶ Party all the time
Party all the time ¶

Hey!

¶ Party all the time
Party all the time ¶

Hey!

¶ Party all the time ¶

Hey!

( grunting )

Hey!

( moaning )

Hey!

( falsetto ):
I'd like to have a cigarette.

Hey!

( normal voice ):
Yeah, I bet you would.

Hey!

HENRIETTA:
Lessons begin tomorrow.

Hey!

I want you to go upstairs.

Hey!

Lights out in five minutes
and no more talking. Get.

Hey!

( whimpers then sobs )

Unh, ah.

Are you okay?
I really gotta go bad.

Unh, ah.

Well, just relax.

Unh, ah.

Try not to think about...

Unh, ah.

Niagara Falls.
Ugh.

Unh, ah.

Ooh. Whoa.

Unh, ah.

I'll only be in there
a couple of pages.

Unh, ah.

Excuse me, my friends.

Unh, ah.

Why are there two toilets
in the bathroom?

Unh, ah.

It's a bidet, you asshole.

Unh, ah.

Whoa.
( toilet flushes )

Unh, ah.

Jesus, somebody took a dump
in the bidet.

Unh, ah.

ROY:
Good night.

Unh, ah.

Page 38, Eddie.

( bugle call playing )

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

The rule of thumb
is to start from the outside

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

and work your way inwards.
You see, it's very simple.

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

Unless your soup course is
served after the fish course.

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

In which case,
you have to place the fish fork

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

and the fish knife
on the outside

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

and the soup spoon
to the left of the fish knife,

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

and the salad fork
to the right of the fish fork.

You mustn't be intimidated
by your cutlery.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

and you have decided
to serve consommé

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

followed by shrimp and aspic
and then truffled grouse.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

It's only then
that your wretched chef

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

comes to you and says
he has changed the whole thing

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

to pâté, asparagus
and lobster thermidor.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

What are you going to do?

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

BARNEY: Slap him.
Ready, steady, go.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

BARNEY:
Here, man. You were born with
a silver spoon in your mouth.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

Oh, ah. Ha-ha, ha.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

Oh.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

( Roy gibbering )

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

( indistinct chattering
and cutlery clanging )

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

You see,
the real connoisseur

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

not only knows the name
of the grape and the year,

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

but also the region.

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

Why don't we start with you,
Edward?

Now, supposing
you are giving a dinner party,

( gargling )

Ah, this is an excellent
white wine.

BARNEY:
Skid Row area,

Ah, this is an excellent
white wine.

5th and Main, Los Angeles.

Ah, this is an excellent
white wine.

Ah, Saint Jude's Catholic
communion wine.

Ah, this is an excellent
white wine.

They sold this fucker
way before its time.

Ah, this is an excellent
white wine.

Jonestown.

( Clorinda snoring )

Jonestown.

( glasses breaking )

Jonestown.

( glasses breaking )

This wine is free.

( glasses breaking )

( creaking )

( glasses breaking )

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

Can--? Just stop rocking.

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

Thank you.

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

Now, writing thank you notes,
et cetera,

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

is a social skill
that simply must be mastered.

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

Now, may I hear
what you have written?

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

( clears throat )

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

"Dear
Mr. and Mrs. MacGregor Scott,

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

"congratulations on the wedding
of your daughter Candy.

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

It must be a relief to have
the bitch off your hands."

Uh, can we settle down now,
please? Can we?

"Dear Laura, I was relieved to
hear you only gave me the clap.

"Nowadays, it is refreshing
to meet a girl

"Dear Laura, I was relieved to
hear you only gave me the clap.

with curable diseases."

"Dear Laura, I was relieved to
hear you only gave me the clap.

"I'm sorry about your husband's
tragic death.

"I hope it doesn't affect
the size

"I'm sorry about your husband's
tragic death.

of your firm
and humongous breasts."

"I'm sorry about your husband's
tragic death.

( Barney laughing )

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Jake, having fun yet?

Ha-ha-ha.
I don't know about this place.

Jake, having fun yet?

I don't think
we stand a chance in here.

Jake, having fun yet?

Oh, will you stop
complaining?

Jake, having fun yet?

Look, these people are gonna
hand Olivia over to you

Jake, having fun yet?

on a silver platter.
I don't know.

Jake, having fun yet?

There's something real weird
about that colonel.

Jake, having fun yet?

You mean
he's not a real colonel?

Jake, having fun yet?

( chuckles then snorts )

Jake, having fun yet?

( tango playing )

( barks )

COLONEL:
Oop.

( Shelley chuckles )

Ha! Ah!

Hyah!

Ha! Ah!

BARNEY:
Oh, I'm popping a boner.

( groans )

BARNEY:
Oh, I'm popping a boner.

Aah! Shit.

Ugh, goddamn it. Aah!

Aah! Shit.

Aah! You're choking,
you're choking me!

Aah! Shit.

Olé!

Aah! Shit.

Olé. Olé.

( tango continues playing )

Olé. Olé.

( muttering )

Humping. Come on.

Olé, olé.
Come on.

Humping. Come on.

( yelps )

Ooh.

Ooh, yeah!

Goya.
The Third of May.

BARNEY:
Honest, man, I didn't know
that was your sister.

Goya.
The Third of May.

Please
don't be disrespectful.

Goya.
The Third of May.

( laughs )

Goya.
The Third of May.

Raphael.

Pope Leo X with his nephews.

Raphael.

BARNEY:
Hey, relax, Uncle Leo.
We got this at Popes R Us.

Raphael.

( Barney laughing )

Raphael.

( chuckles )

Raphael.

That's San Sebastian.

BARNEY:
Polish archery lessons.

That's San Sebastian.

( "Moonlight Sonata" playing
on piano )

That's San Sebastian.

Argh. Pfft.

Don't pull your stitches
too tight, Edward.

( car door closes)

BARNEY:
Wow, this bike's great, man.

I think I saw it
on Hogan's Heroes.

BARNEY:
Wow, this bike's great, man.

Sieg Heil.

BARNEY:
Wow, this bike's great, man.

BARNEY:
Hey Jake, you hit a dog back
there. Do you realize that?

You got shit
all over the fender.

BARNEY:
Hey Jake, you hit a dog back
there. Do you realize that?

Damn.
JAKE: We gotta be insured.

BARNEY:
Hey Jake, you hit a dog back
there. Do you realize that?

BARNEY:
My legs are asleep. Ay.

BARNEY:
Hey Jake, you hit a dog back
there. Do you realize that?

( Barney groaning )

BARNEY:
Hey Jake, you hit a dog back
there. Do you realize that?

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

BARNEY:
How's the hernia?

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

( slow music playing )

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

COLONEL:
Well, well, well, well.

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

I was wondering
when you boys

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

were gonna come out
of the bush.

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

How about
a little champagne?

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

Barman, champagne please.
Three glasses.

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

Nope. No way.

JAKE:
We're gonna stick to this
colonel. He knows something.

BARNEY:
Yes.

Followed me, eh?

BARNEY:
Yes.

Couldn't help yourselves,
eh?

BARNEY:
Yes.

Hmm. I like that.

BARNEY:
Yes.

Yes. I like that.

BARNEY:
Yes.

Oh, by the way,

BARNEY:
Yes.

do you have any money

BARNEY:
Yes.

to pay for this champagne
that I've just ordered?

BARNEY:
Yes.

No.

BARNEY:
Yes.

No, I didn't think you did.
Neither do I.

BARNEY:
Yes.

But we're not gonna
let that stop us, are we?

BARNEY:
Yes.

Cheers.

BARNEY:
Yes.

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

Oh, yes, we all hear
about the wretched hostages

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

aboard the aircraft,

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

held captive
by the Arab swine.

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

Long after their liberation
on national television,

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

long after the deals

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

and the guest shots
on Johnny Carson.

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

What about you two lads
who volunteered

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

to go in and fly
that empty airliner home

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

to its rightful owners.
I mean--

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

Did they do that?

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

Under the very muzzles
of the dusky savages' guns.

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

Oh, sorry. This champagne,
how much is it?

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

What is the check? Uh...

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

These guys don't pay
for drinks in my bar.

Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.

What kind of an American
do you think I am?

( belches )

What kind of an American
do you think I am?

BARMAN:
Those two guys over there
are heroes.

What kind of an American
do you think I am?

JAKE:
You're a genius.

What kind of an American
do you think I am?

( Barney belching )

What kind of an American
do you think I am?

A society was formed
high up in the Alps,

maybe a century ago.

A society was formed
high up in the Alps,

They called themselves...

A society was formed
high up in the Alps,

the Bavarian Illuminati.

There was no clubhouse,

the Bavarian Illuminati.

nothing but a pledge
to a single sacred ideal.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

Fuck them
before they fuck you.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

We'll begin our training
tomorrow morning in earnest.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

What kind of training?

the Bavarian Illuminati.

Training in the magic art

the Bavarian Illuminati.

of what really
makes a gentleman.

the Bavarian Illuminati.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

Try as she might,

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

my wife has never been able
to find the key. Ha!

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

The morning update.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

A little ritual.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

Chicago. In.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

Uh, Bill. Uh, uh...

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

Yeah. Uh, no.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

Check that out.
A PhD from Harvard.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

JAKE:
Wow.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

Oh, is that still there?

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

I had this damn bank manager
out the other day,

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

pestering me
about house payments.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

An alumnus
of the old crimson.

Welcome to my private
little inner sanctum.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

People.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

I'm trying to unload
a useless bit of swampland

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

on a gullible neighbor.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Something
my wife inherited.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

He made his money
in engineering.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

MIT.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Do you have one of those
from every school?

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Only the ones that matter,
dear boy.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Only the ones that matter.
And a complete set of neckties.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Cost $12 a tie.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Fraternity pins and rings.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Easily obtainable
from any local pawnshop.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

Cost: $1.

He gave me a six-month
extension on my loan, heh.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

from a mail-order house
in Canton, Oklahoma.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

Thus, for a total outlay
of $212,

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

the dedicated lluminati

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

can equip himself
with full academic credentials

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

for any social
or business situation.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

I cannot overemphasize

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

the importance of education
to you boys.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

Amongst the very wealthy,

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

dogs are considered
indispensable companions.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

But fashions change.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

One month, it's corgis,

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

the next,
it's Akitas of distinction.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

Keep abreast.
Always carry a photograph

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

of the most fashionable breed
and display it at parties

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

And talking of photographs,
Bernardo.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

How would you like
to embrace the princess?

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

Heh, go on.
BARNEY: Why not?

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

Well, if you're all going
to Palm Beach,

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

we better arm you
to the teeth.

The diplomas
are easily obtainable

Good.

( soft music playing )

Good.

I hope you enjoy it.

No. No, coño. It's my birthday.

I hope you enjoy it.

Thank you.

Well, $650.

Not a bad night's work.

Well, $650.

How are we going to solve
this little problem?

Well, $650.

Oh, allow me.

Well, $650.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Francis Merchesson.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

World-renowned food critic
for the Paris Tribune.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Nice to meet you.
Hey, hey, hey.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

He, uh, loved the meal.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Of course, he did.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Uh...

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

He's probably gonna give it
a very good review.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Although we thought
it was a little expensive.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Reviews don't mean a thing.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Thank you for stopping by.

Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.

Crude, Jake.
Unimaginative.

This is the finest,
most exclusive

Crude, Jake.
Unimaginative.

and expensive restaurant
in Palm Beach.

Crude, Jake.
Unimaginative.

It requires subtlety.
Finesse.

Crude, Jake.
Unimaginative.

( retching and coughing )

Oh, God.

( retching and coughing )

This is an outrage.

( colonel groaning )

This is an outrage.

Right this way.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh.

This is an outrage.

MAITRE D':
Sir, I assure you
this is not usual.

This is an outrage.

We deeply regret the incident.
That's-- Uh...

This is an outrage.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

depth is out
and patter is in.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

Yeah? How's that?
Oh, it's simple really.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

People are basically lazy.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

No stockbroker is gonna
question your credentials

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

if you can throw in
a few well-turned phrases.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

Now, let's get back to IBM.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

And now the market
is trading up so fast

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

that you can't even buy,
so it's--

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

Evaporating on the upside.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

Yes. That's right.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

Yes, I think you know enough
to handle the stock market,

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

but it's about that time

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

you should consider
making that urgent phone call

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

before you blow
the whole bloody thing.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

In any other trivial matter,

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

always rely on your
native cunning and this:

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

Bartlett's Familiar Quotations.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

I never leave home
without it.

To convince people
that you're of their ilk,

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Strobe!
If I were you, I'd say yes

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

while you still got
a swing set.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Strobe!
Listen. I'm not a bad guy.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

I mean, there was a time
when you wanted me, remember?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Well, it wasn't love.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Okay, so love's out.
I'm talking marriage.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Hey, how does that strike
your fancy, huh?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Four and a half carats.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

I just wanna save my school.

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Yeah?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

You mean, like, if I gave you
the school, you'd marry me?

I'm sorry. I told them to leave
the teeter-totters out of this.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Yeah!
We did it.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

I owe you the biggest one.
You are my hero.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Hey.
Yeah?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Excuse me, Jake.
You're a sharp dresser.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Which should be better
for graduation?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Oh, Raj, we gotta hip you
to a new look.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Barney, give him your shirt.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Look, man,
Sal Mineo.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Right here. Elvis Presley.
There you go.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Elvis Presley?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

James Dean.
Let's go for it.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Click your heels,
you're in East L.A.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Oh, my friends,
how can I repay you?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

What is yours is mine.
When--

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Oh, my planes, my books,
my islands, it's yours.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Thank you very much.
Oh, James Dean.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Planes?
Islands?

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

BOTH:
Money.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Maybe he needs socks.

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

( Sir Edward Elgar's "Pomp and
Circumstance No. 1" playing )

Jake. Ha-ha-ha, we did it.

Godspeed, 3364.

Well done. Carry on.

Well done, both of you.

( laughing )

Well done, both of you.

Ah. Ah.

Well done, both of you.

Back up.

Well done.

Back up.

And so well done.

Thank you.

And so well done.

I beg your pardon.
Thank you.

And so well done.

( gasps )

It's Roy.
It isn't.

( gasps )

Roy. I didn't recognize you.
Congratulations.

( gasps )

Thank you very, very much.

( gasps )

Namaste.
Namaste to you too.

( gasps )

Thank you very much.

( gasps )

COLONEL:
I now pronounce you
members of the order

of the esteemed
Bavarian lluminati.

COLONEL:
I now pronounce you
members of the order

You may rise.

COLONEL:
I now pronounce you
members of the order

Heh.
Well, congratulations.

Good luck to your quest.

Heh.
Well, congratulations.

Oh, one last thing,
the secret sign.

Heh.
Well, congratulations.

Repeat after me.

Heh.
Well, congratulations.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Sometimes the secret sign
is all that stands

Good. Now don't forget it.

between life
and you know what.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Death.
Worse.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Complete social
embarrassment. Heh.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Shall we dine?

Good. Now don't forget it.

Let's.

Good. Now don't forget it.

Hello there, judge.

I didn't expect to see you
until tomorrow.

Hello there, judge.

I'm early because
I've got something on my mind.

Hello there, judge.

Let me guess.

Hello there, judge.

Olivia, your parents
put a big responsibility on me.

Hello there, judge.

Now, I'm not the one to pass
judgment on other people.

Hello there, judge.

Oh, come on, judge.
Look. Despite my profession.

Hello there, judge.

But I want to make sure the man
you marry is the right one.

Hello there, judge.

This weekend, the house
is gonna be full of right ones.

Hello there, judge.

Just pick one of them,
and I promise

Hello there, judge.

I'll do all I can
to take care of your school.

Hello there, judge.

What's my choice?
Strobe Fenobrest?

Hello there, judge.

Good blood lines.

Hello there, judge.

ROY: Let's start.
( woman giggles )

Hello there, judge.

Sir, there are some gentlemen
here to see you.

Hello there, judge.

Well, send them in.
They are my very good friends.

Hello there, judge.

Oh, I like this one.
( woman giggles )

Hello there, judge.

Hi, guys.
How are you doing, pal?

Hello there, judge.

Wow.
Jake. Barney.

Hello there, judge.

Everything
is as you asked for.

Hello there, judge.

We have my cars,
we have my tailors.

Hello there, judge.

Everything is ready.

Hello there, judge.

Raj, you're saving my life.
Thanks a lot.

Hello there, judge.

Oh, good luck to you,
my friend.

Hello there, judge.

Bring them back alive, okay?
Look at those cassavas.

Hello there, judge.

( women giggle )

Hello there, judge.

( upbeat theme playing )

Hello there, judge.

MAN:
Yeah, hi.

Jeez, this is great.
Don't move.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ For my boo boo ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ With an arrow
Right through the heart ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Hi.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ And in the middle
Of the heart ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ There is a space ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ For your name
That I can never erase ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ I'll always need you ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

¶ And I believe
You'd be mine ¶

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

( glass breaks )

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Gee.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Good thing I brought
the little one, huh?

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

( chuckles )

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Excuse me.

¶ I need a tattoo ¶

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

( romantic theme playing )

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

What are you doing here?

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Are you out of your mind?
Save it.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

This is a roller coaster
ride, get it?

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Nobody gets off
till I say so.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Judge. Ah--

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

I wanna introduce you to--
Jake Bateman, Your Honor.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

I'm sorry my man wasn't able
to RSVP.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

We were on safari.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Just put us any place,
it'll be fine.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Bateman?

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

I don't recall inviting anyone
named Bateman.

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Mr. Bateman
is a friend of yours?

Who left the kiddie car
in the driveway?

Grafspee,
Mr. Bateman's luggage.

GRAFSPEE:
Ay.

Grafspee,
Mr. Bateman's luggage.

Ah.

Do we know him?

Should we know him?

Do we know him?

Well, he certainly knows
Olivia.

Do we know him?

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

There's the Boston Batemans.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

There's the Baltimore
Batemans.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

Baltimore has Butmans.
No Batemans.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

No food for the help.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

You may eat in the kitchen
if you like.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

Kitchen's
right over there, sir.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

Release that shrimp.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

Hey, you guys like puppets?

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

Watch this.

I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.

Fuck you, okay?

Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?

Fuck you, okay?

Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Fuck you, okay?

Okay?

Fuck you, okay?

Hi.

You two kids.

Now, this is incredible.

Isn't that a Pomeranian?
Oh, yes, it is.

Now, this is incredible.

You know, I have
a very similar dog.

Now, this is incredible.

An Australian shepherd.

Now, this is incredible.

We keep her
at the summer cottage.

Now, this is incredible.

I do have a photo with me.

Now, this is incredible.

There she is.
There's Sparky.

Now, this is incredible.

WOMAN:
Oh, how sweet.

Now, this is incredible.

Isn't that a picture of you
with Prince Charles?

Now, this is incredible.

Oh, yeah, Charlie. I told him
to go with the Pomeranian too.

Now, this is incredible.

He went
with an Irish setter.

Now, this is incredible.

He's trying to improve
the political climate.

Now, this is incredible.

( chuckles )
Hello, Deedee.

Now, this is incredible.

Hello you.
Hello, Peppy.

Now, this is incredible.

Deedee, will you excuse me
while I borrow Mr. Bateman?

Now, this is incredible.

Why, certainly.

Now, this is incredible.

See you, Deedee.
Right, bye.

Now, this is incredible.

How are you this evening?

WOMAN:
Fine.

How are you this evening?

Jake. I could kill you.

Not the suit.
I just got this.

Jake. I could kill you.

Hello.
Hi there.

Jake. I could kill you.

Darling, I've been looking
everywhere for you.

Jake. I could kill you.

Here you are. Mm.
We're fencing.

Jake. I could kill you.

So I see.
Bateman, isn't it?

Jake. I could kill you.

And a Harvard pin.

Jake. I could kill you.

Bateman of Harvard?
Bateman of Harvard?

Jake. I could kill you.

No, no, no.

Jake. I could kill you.

Aw, but a Harvard man
fencing

Jake. I could kill you.

with a defenseless
little girl. Heh, heh.

Jake. I could kill you.

( clicking tongue )

Jake. I could kill you.

You do fence with men?
Why, do you know any?

Jake. I could kill you.

Oh perhaps you'd like to cross
swords with me some time.

Jake. I could kill you.

Certainly.
Tomorrow at dawn in the garden?

Jake. I could kill you.

Done.
Good.

Jake. I could kill you.

Darling, when you're finished
with your little friend,

Jake. I could kill you.

I'll be waiting for you
by the cracked crab.

Jake. I could kill you.

( chuckles )

Jake. I could kill you.

You don't fence, do you?

( chuckles )

You don't fence, do you?

Fencing's my life.

You don't fence, do you?

( mimicking dog barking )

Is this bad lady
squeezing your genitals?

( mimicking dog barking )

Yes. Huh?

( mimicking dog barking )

( mimicking dog whimpering )

( mimicking dog barking )

You know,
my aunt has a dog like that.

( mimicking dog barking )

And, like, when my other aunt,
Sophia, big, fat lady,

( mimicking dog barking )

comes over, he just
jumps on her leg, right?

( mimicking dog barking )

And he begins to pump
and pump and pump,

( mimicking dog barking )

and his eyes
start rolling back

( mimicking dog barking )

and then he gets
a satisfied look.

( mimicking dog barking )

And then she shakes her leg
and starches her nylons.

( mimicking dog barking )

Does that ever happen
with this one?

( mimicking dog barking )

I don't get it. You're gonna
fight with car antennas?

No, no. Here they are,
here they are.

I don't get it. You're gonna
fight with car antennas?

Ah, Bateman, you're here.
I was afraid you might not show.

I don't get it. You're gonna
fight with car antennas?

Wishful thinking, Fenobrest.
Let's go.

I don't get it. You're gonna
fight with car antennas?

( chuckles )

Epée? No, no, no.

( chuckles )

Hey. What is this shit?
That's all right.

Whitey, give him a rapier.

Hey. What is this shit?
That's all right.

I can handle this.

Hey. What is this shit?
That's all right.

( sword whirring )

( both grunting )

Ha!

(chuckles)

Ha!

( grunting )

I thought
I was the only one.

It was incomprehensible
to me at the time

I thought
I was the only one.

that they could change Darrins
on Bewitched like that.

I thought
I was the only one.

That's right. That's right.

I thought
I was the only one.

First it was Dick York,
then it was--

I thought
I was the only one.

BOTH:
Dick Sargent.

I thought
I was the only one.

You just don't change Dicks
midstream.

I thought
I was the only one.

Yeah, you're right.

I thought
I was the only one.

( both grunting )

I thought
I was the only one.

All the inquisition
is fine.

But what are you gonna do
if you were in my neighborhood

All the inquisition
is fine.

and some dude sticks a gun
in your face?

All the inquisition
is fine.

I have a car phone.

All the inquisition
is fine.

( both grunting )

All the inquisition
is fine.

Uh-oh.

( Strobe laughs )

Uh-oh.

Whoo! Ha!
One more.

Uh-oh.

You gotta catch a bus?

Uh-oh.

You know how rare it is
to find a woman

Uh-oh.

that can cook
and is beautiful?

Uh-oh.

Just like that.
Aah!

Uh-oh.

( speaking in Spanish )

Uh-oh.

What's she's squawking
about?

Uh-oh.

I think she insulted you.

Uh-oh.

Would you mind
repeating that please?

Uh-oh.

Oh, really?
Does anyone here speak maid?

Uh-oh.

Hey, I know exactly
what she said.

Uh-oh.

I'm fluent in several languages,
honky being one of them.

Uh-oh.

What she said is that she's
sorry for bumping into you,

Uh-oh.

but she was up all last night
with one of her eight kids

Uh-oh.

who has a whooping cough.

Uh-oh.

( speaks in Spanish )

Uh-oh.

No, no, no.
It's fine, it's fine.

Uh-oh.

It's okay.

Uh-oh.

Pendejo.

I owe you one for this.

Pendejo.

Oh, I think you owe me a lot
more than just one.

Pendejo.

Yes?
Yes.

Pendejo.

All right. We even?

Pendejo.

Well, it's a start.

I can't let you go on
with this.

They're gonna kill you.
Yeah, but what a way to die.

I can't let you go on
with this.

You've gotta stop.

Oh.

You've gotta stop.

No, I'm-- Not this.

You've gotta stop.

Oh.

You've gotta stop.

So how did you learn
to do that?

I had this babysitter.
I was 12 years old--

So how did you learn
to do that?

No, no, no. Not that.
The fencing.

So how did you learn
to do that?

Oh, I can do anything.

So how did you learn
to do that?

As long as
I'm doing it for you.

So how did you learn
to do that?

( romantic theme playing )

So how did you learn
to do that?

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

And no one made a dime
on the deal.

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

( all laugh )

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

Very funny.
Here's an old joke,

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

very popular on the floor
of the market last year.

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

Is that where you made
your money, Bateman?

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

No, that's where I keep it.

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

STERNHILL:
I like your style, Bateman.

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

Are you joining us
for the skeet shoot?

So anyway, it ended
in cross-collateralization.

Of course.
Good.

Hey, look
at the bright side.

Hell, at least you wound up
on a silver platter. Heh.

Hey, look
at the bright side.

Now they want me
to kill something.

What?
A skeet.

Now they want me
to kill something.

What the hell is a skeet?

Now they want me
to kill something.

It's like a Haitian,
only smaller.

Now they want me
to kill something.

Heh. Will you get real?

Now they want me
to kill something.

What are we gonna do?
First of all, don't panic.

Now they want me
to kill something.

I'll make a phone call.

Now they want me
to kill something.

I've got just
the right person in mind.

Now they want me
to kill something.

Jake, who are we?

Now they want me
to kill something.

Who are we?
Right.

Now they want me
to kill something.

Get back to your woman.

Now they want me
to kill something.

God.

Now they want me
to kill something.

I don't know if they eat you
or fuck you.

Squeak! Squeak!

I don't know if they eat you
or fuck you.

Pull!

I don't know if they eat you
or fuck you.

( chuckles )

( coughs )

( chuckles )

Damn.

( chuckles )

Sun's brutal, isn't it?
Not really.

( chuckles )

Perhaps we should have used
bigger skeet.

( chuckles )

STROBE:
Pull!

( crowd clapping )

BARNEY:
Hurry. Hurry.

( crowd clapping )

All right, just stay calm.
And remember what I told you.

( crowd clapping )

No problem.

( crowd clapping )

What do you say, Wild Bill?

( crowd clapping )

Call it a day or perhaps
you'd like another pull?

( crowd clapping )

( Strobe chuckling )

( crowd clapping )

I'd love another pull.

This time,
just to make it interesting,

I'm gonna shoot leftie.

This time,
just to make it interesting,

( chuckles )

This time,
just to make it interesting,

Set four!

This time,
just to make it interesting,

Pull!

This time,
just to make it interesting,

( crowd clapping )

Come on, come on.

Oh.

Come on, come on.

Excuse me, really.

Come on, come on.

It's great shooting,
isn't it?

Come on, come on.

STERNHILL:
Very good, Bateman.

Come on, come on.

What do you think, Strobe?

Come on, come on.

Yeah, yeah.
Nice shooting, Bateman.

Come on, come on.

Thanks, pal.
Ow!

( classical music playing )

JAKE:
So the fellow said,

"How long have you been
wearing those?"

JAKE:
So the fellow said,

Ever since my wife found them
in the pocket of my car.

JAKE:
So the fellow said,

( all laughing )

JAKE:
So the fellow said,

I love it.

JAKE:
So the fellow said,

He's so funny, he's fun--

JAKE:
So the fellow said,

What are you eating there?

What is this black shit?

What are you eating there?

That is expensive
Russian caviar.

What are you eating there?

Yeah?

What are you eating there?

Damn.

What are you eating there?

Smells like pussy to me.

What are you eating there?

( laughs )

What are you eating there?

Don't this remind you
of a drive-in? Check it out.

What are you eating there?

( laughs )

What are you eating there?

You didn't have no drive-ins
when you was young, huh?

What are you eating there?

Good vintage.
What do you think, Mr. Bateman?

Yes, Château Margaux.

Good vintage.
What do you think, Mr. Bateman?

Um, '63.

Trifle tannic.
North slope, I believe.

Um, '63.

Very perceptive.

Um, '63.

Aah!

Don't mind me. I've been
working at Three Mile Island.

Aah!

Bateman.

Aah!

We've been talking,
and we're a little bit curious.

Aah!

Exactly what is it you do?

Aah!

Yes, what do you do
exactly?

Aah!

I'm not at liberty to say.

Aah!

Oh, come now.
We're all friends here.

Aah!

We have nothing to hide.
Isn't that right, judge?

Aah!

I must admit,
I'm a bit curious.

Aah!

What about it, Mr. Bateman?
If you insist, Your Honor.

Aah!

All I can say is

Aah!

I'm a financial advisor
to several important men.

Aah!

I do happen to have
a photograph

Aah!

of one of my clients
with me.

Aah!

( coughs )

I went to charm school.

( coughs )

Look what I learned.

( coughs )

¶ Amadeus, Amadeus ¶

( coughs )

¶ Rock me, Amadeus
Amadeus-- ¶

( coughs )

Go ahead, try it. It's good.
It's good for you. Watch.

( coughs )

¶ Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus ¶

( coughs )

You keep working that.
I'll be back.

( coughs )

¶ Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus ¶

( coughs )

You golf better
than you fence?

( coughs )

( chuckling )

( coughs )

It depends if my opponent
decides to cheat or not.

( coughs )

Um, judge,
is your dance card full?

( coughs )

It just emptied.

( coughs )

Hey, it's favorite dog lady.
How are you doing?

( coughs )

You got yourself
another one, huh?

( coughs )

Yes, uh-huh.
This is a shar-pei.

( coughs )

A Chinese dog.

( coughs )

Oh. Now, how old is it?
Three months.

( coughs )

No, I doubt it.
Look at this dog.

( coughs )

It looks like it has a flap.
Look at this.

( coughs )

Oh, please.
You didn't iron it.

( coughs )

No.
That's the way the dog is.

( coughs )

You can fit two dogs
in here.

( coughs )

No, please
don't abuse my dog.

( coughs )

Do you have
any Vietnamese neighbors?

( coughs )

No, no.
Look, if you ever do have

( coughs )

some Vietnamese people
moving next door to you,

( coughs )

take my word for it.
Take Fluffy with you.

( coughs )

Or else you'll come home,

( coughs )

your dog will be
missing a leg.

( coughs )

You'll be going,
"Where were you? Huh? Huh?"

( coughs )

Please, please.
You are so disgusting.

( coughs )

Oh, oh, I'm disgusting?
Like a--

( coughs )

Look, my neighbors--

( coughs )

Like I've had four dogs
this month, okay.

( coughs )

I went over there
and I asked them, I said,

( coughs )

"Hey, have seen my dog?"

( coughs )

And they were picking
their teeth and were going,

( coughs )

"No, we no see Fluffy.
What your dog look like?

( coughs )

Does your dog have big,
like, big juicy hind leg?"

( coughs )

Oh, you're so atrocious.
Really.

( coughs )

Oh, fine, fine.

( coughs )

I guess we ain't pals
no more.

( coughs )

Hey, general.

( coughs )

You ought to get yourself
a dog, man.

( coughs )

Because a dog's
a man's best friend.

( coughs )

I mean, after all,
the first thing they do

( coughs )

is they put their nose
up your crotch, right?

( coughs )

You can't get any friendlier
than that, huh?

( coughs )

( laughs )

( coughs )

You ought to try
some Grecian formula too, babe.

( coughs )

( soft music playing )

( coughs )

Your Honor,
may I have the honor?

Maestro!

A tango, please.

Maestro!

( crowd indistinctly
chattering )

Maestro!

( tango playing )

Maestro!

( crowd indistinctly
chattering )

Wait. Mira. Baby.

See the conehead?

Take him out.

See the conehead?

Loco. Why should I?

See the conehead?

You owe me.

See the conehead?

Okay. I'll take care
of him for you.

See the conehead?

And then you owe me.

See the conehead?

( tango continues playing )

See the conehead?

( crowd gasping )

Who the hell are you?
( speaking in Spanish )

( crowd gasping )

Oh, shit.

( crowd gasping )

( crowd gasping )

Ugh.

Unh!

Damn you, Bateman!

Get off!

Damn you, Bateman!

Unh!

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

Oh, sure you have.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

Bateman. Fenobrest.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

I consider this unacceptable
behavior from gentlemen.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

Why don't you make
some attempt to settle this?

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

I suggest you compete
against one another

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

in a game of cross courts.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

( scoffs ):
I doubt if he plays.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

Cross courts?
It's my middle name.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

Done, then.
If you'll excuse me.

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

( indistinct chattering )

I've never been so humiliated
in all my life.

What the hell
is cross courts?

Now, let me tell you
about mine, though. Seriously.

What the hell
is cross courts?

Because I know
you're getting pissed off,

What the hell
is cross courts?

and as well you should,
but look, bottom line

What the hell
is cross courts?

is whenever I get
in an airline,

What the hell
is cross courts?

I don't understand
the safety regulations.

What the hell
is cross courts?

They're bullshit, man.
And, like--

What the hell
is cross courts?

I've been in airplanes
where they actually tell you,

What the hell
is cross courts?

"Ladies and gentlemen,
in case of an emergency,

What the hell
is cross courts?

please place your head
between your legs."

What the hell
is cross courts?

Who are they bullshitting?

What the hell
is cross courts?

If I could do that,
I'd never leave the house.

What the hell
is cross courts?

( laughs )

What the hell
is cross courts?

Get it? Leave the--
Ha, ha, ha, ha!

What the hell
is cross courts?

What?

What the hell
is cross courts?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Shh. Colonel. Colonel.
Psst.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Oh, there you are.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Now, I came as quickly
as I could.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

I had to look high and low
to find the right equipment.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

So I haven't played
cross courts in 20 years.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

What in hell is it?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

It's the most archaic
and esoteric game in the world.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

It dates back
to the Renaissance.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

There are only seven courts
in the whole world.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Can you teach us to play?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Uh--
Well, I'll do my best,

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

but you'll have to find
a third player

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

for the actual match.
Because I've got a game leg.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll call somebody.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Who are you gonna call?
I don't know,

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

but whoever it is,
it'll be collect.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

JAKE:
How do I look?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Will you relax?
You're making me nervous.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Be cool.
Okay, okay.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Where's this guy?
He'll be here.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Who did you get?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Now, how does that go?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

It's not whether you win
or you lose--

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Who'd you get?

Pfft, colonel.
Psst.

Here he comes now.

Oh, my God.

( crowd clapping )

( whistles )

( crowd indistinctly
chattering )

( whistles )

The game will be played
to seven chikis.

( crowd laughing )

Spin the first ball!

( crowd laughing )

( ball rattling )

( Barney grunts )

( grunting )

( Barney grunts )

( crowd clapping )

( Barney grunts )

BARNEY:
Unh.

( Barney grunts )

( Barney groans )

( Barney grunts )

Chiki.

( crowd clapping )

Chiki.

You son of a bitch.

Chiki.

( speaking in Spanish )

Chiki.

Hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey.

Chiki.

No, no, no. Uh, uh, uh.

Chiki.

Your Honor, I demand
an immediate chiki challenge

Chiki.

via a judgment
head scrum reversal.

Chiki.

Your Honor, I just wanna
kick him in the nuts one time.

Chiki.

The fail stands.

Chiki.

Boosebraum challenge?
Accepted?

Chiki.

Uh, yeah.

( crowd indistinctly
chattering )

Uh, yeah.

Ready.

Hey,
what are we looking for?

You stupid geek.
Hey.

Hey,
what are we looking for?

Hey.

Hey,
what are we looking for?

Ow! Ow!

Hey,
what are we looking for?

Yelling judgment.

Hey,
what are we looking for?

Sustained.

Hey,
what are we looking for?

Good judgment.
Good call.

Hey,
what are we looking for?

Henchman!

Hey,
what are we looking for?

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Hey,
what are we looking for?

HENCHMAN:
Nerd!

Hey, it's dark in here.

MAN:
Lock him up.

Hey, it's dark in here.

Should we try to spin
the next bowl?

Hey, it's dark in here.

Here.
( ball rattling )

Hey, this penalty stuff
is not so bad.

Hup! Hup!

( Barney grunting )

Hup! Hup!

Chiki!
Foul.

Hup! Hup!

( clears throat )

Hup! Hup!

Blatant bialy.

Hup! Hup!

Your Honor.
Surely a hedgehop?

Hup! Hup!

Hedgehop granted.

Hup! Hup!

Thank you.

Hup! Hup!

( grunts )

( grunting )

Ah.

( grunting )

Chiki, red.

( grunting )

(Jake laughs )

( grunting )

Hit hard!

( grunting )

( grunting )

( grunting )

Ugh. Aah!

( suspenseful theme
playing )

Ugh. Aah!

( door closes )

Ugh. Aah!

Hey, Spartacus.
Hey, what are you in for?

Ugh. Aah!

I cheated.
They made me cheat.

Ugh. Aah!

Your friends are loud, lewd,
coarse sportsmen.

Ugh. Aah!

I've been penalized.

Ugh. Aah!

Don't be so hard on those guys.
They're my pals.

Ugh. Aah!

They're just social climbing,
that's all.

Ugh. Aah!

They're trying to use
all the stuff we learned

Ugh. Aah!

in charm school.

Ugh. Aah!

STROBE:
Welcome back.

Strobe.
I've gotta tell you something.

STROBE:
Welcome back.

Not now, Whitey.
Strobe.

STROBE:
Welcome back.

Not during the game.

STROBE:
Welcome back.

Charlatan.

( speaking French )

Charlatan.

Your little geek friend
from charm school

Charlatan.

spilled
the proverbial beans.

Charlatan.

Honorable spectators!

Charlatan.

Something terrible
has happened today.

Charlatan.

And we may never recover.

Charlatan.

These men are impostors,
fakes, frauds.

Charlatan.

( crowd gasping )

Charlatan.

Don't tell me.
Bialy, right?

Charlatan.

Thought so.
This way? Thank you.

Charlatan.

( gate creaks )

Charlatan.

STROBE:
Olivia, you're mine.

( "Bridal Chorus" playing )

STROBE:
Olivia, you're mine.

( Strobe laughing )

STROBE:
Olivia, you're mine.

( "Bridal Chorus"
continues playing )

STROBE:
Olivia, you're mine.

You look fine.
How do you feel?

Fine. I just don't remember
where I parked my car.

You look fine.
How do you feel?

You'll be great.

You look fine.
How do you feel?

Oh, hello,
so nice of you to come.

You look fine.
How do you feel?

All the way from Winnetka.
That's terrific.

You look fine.
How do you feel?

Hello. How are--?

You look fine.
How do you feel?

This isn't Buffy, huh.
Where's Buffy?

You look fine.
How do you feel?

( sighs )

You look fine.
How do you feel?

( organ playing slow music )

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

Good to see you.
How are you? Hello.

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

Sit down.
Enjoy.

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

I don't know
who these people are.

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

Your Honor. I thought
you'd never get here.

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

To the victor go the spoils,
I suppose?

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

( suspenseful theme
playing )

How are you? Mm.
So nice to see you.

Hi.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

This parking
is for clergy only.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

But I am clergy.
Yeah, and I'm the Easter bunny.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Let me see your badge.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Badge?
They don't give us badges.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Well, then let me hear you say
hallelujah.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

( stammering ):
Hallelujah.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Get out of the car, come on.
You're under arrest. Let's go.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Ugh.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Now, you have the right
to remain silent.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

Anything you say may be held
against you in a court of law.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

I love my job.

OFFICER:
All right. Hold it right there.

( gunshot )

( organ playing
"Bridal March" )

( gunshot )

I'll take it from here,
judge.

( sighs )

My darling, this is,
without a doubt,

( sighs )

the happiest day
of my life.

( sighs )

WOMAN 1: Hello, Strobe.
Hi. Oh. Heh, heh.

( sighs )

Trouble already.

Hey, how you doing?
Heh-heh-heh.

Trouble already.

Just the governor
and his wife.

Trouble already.

WOMAN 2: Hi, Strobe.
Oh. Hi.

Trouble already.

Hi. Hi.

Trouble already.

Whole club, eh, darling?

Trouble already.

( sighs )

Trouble already.

WOMAN 3: Hello, Strobe.
( giggles )

Trouble already.

They're all here,
sweetheart.

Trouble already.

Every one of them came.

Trouble already.

( sniffs ):
Oh, God, you smell divine.

Trouble already.

Dearly beloved,

and those of you
we do not care too much for,

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today
to join this major stallion

Dearly beloved,

and this frail flower
in holy mantra alimony.

Dearly beloved,

If there is anyone here
who feels these two

Dearly beloved,

should not be married,
speak now

Dearly beloved,

or forever hold your hands
on your pieces.

Dearly beloved,

The ring, please.

Dearly beloved,

Strobe.
Not now, please.

Strobe.
Not now.

Strobe.
Not now, please.

Whitey, you're making a scene.
Please.

Strobe.
Not now, please.

We'll find your car later,
all right?

Strobe.
Not now, please.

ROY:
I now pronounce you
man and wife.

Strobe.
Not now, please.

You may kiss the bride.

Strobe.
Not now, please.

Aah!

Strobe.
Not now, please.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Oh, don't freeze up
on me now. Come here.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

( crowd gasping )

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Ah.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

That's the biggest
social event of the year.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Everyone you know is here.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

The governor, mayor.
All your friends are here.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Pig.
You disgusting pig.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Hit him, ma'am.
Hit him. I have.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

You mean it's okay with you?

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Damn right, it is.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Your parents wanted you
to marry the right man.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

I think they'd be happy.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

I got us a suite
at the Holiday Inn.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

We got a big water bed.
Oh, are we gonna make waves.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Oh, yes.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

You made promises to me
you're gonna fulfill.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

All those illegal acts.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Yes, if we need farm animals,
we'll use them too.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Oh, mm.
Congratulations.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

You're all right,
Your Honor.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

I know.
Come here.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

( laughs )

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

BARNEY:
You'll be okay.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

You'll make me happy
or I'll break your nuts.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Stop this! You're not my wife.
You're not even a woman!

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

There's my wife!
Au contraire. I am your woman.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Get off me!
Stop those people!

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Officer!
Officer!

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

STROBE:
Officer, arrest this man!

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Get him off me! You just--
Hey, come on, come on.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Oh, wait. No, you've got
the wrong guy. Wait.

( crowd gasp )
Surprise.

Jake!

Name the first one Barney,
huh?

It seems like everybody's
getting laid but me.

Oh, girls. Girls.

Hi. Barney Rockefeller.

Oh, girls. Girls.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, girls. Girls.

As long as I have a face,
you'll have place to sit.

Oh, girls. Girls.

Listen, let's get out
of these dresses.

Oh, girls. Girls.

( whistling )

The name wouldn't be Phelps
by any chance?

It might be.
This week.

The name wouldn't be Phelps
by any chance?

Sternhill.
You old rogue.

Well, well.

Sternhill.
You old rogue.

( laughs )

Sternhill.
You old rogue.

I thought this smacked
of your work.

Well, the boys
were very apt pupils.

I thought this smacked
of your work.

( Paul Rodriguez's
"Makin' Whoopee" playing )

I thought this smacked
of your work.

Come on.

I thought this smacked
of your work.

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Another city honeymoon ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Another season
Another reason ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ You'll find men
Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ I'm telling you, man
Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody's
Makin' good wages ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody wants
Her share ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ She calls him Toodles
And rolls her eyes ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ She makes him strudel ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ She bakes him pies ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ What is it all for? ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ It's so he'll fall
For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Uh-huh
That's what she's after ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ All right
Take it over here ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Ladies and gentleman
Tony "Three-Finger" Martinez ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Who do you think you are?
Keith Richards ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ No way ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ $5000 per ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Money, money, money ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Some judge
Who thinks he's funny ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Says
"You pay 6 to her, buddy" ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ He says, "Now, judge
Now, look, what if I fail? ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You wouldn't put a nice guy
Like me in jail ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You would?
Well, then you keep her ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You'll find
It's cheaper ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Than makin' whoopee" ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ I'm out of here ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

( Paul speaking Spanish )

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Hey, Ramon
Can you believe it? ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Some dude in a black dress
Trying to tell me what to do ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ The nerve
Of that vato, huh? ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ All right, take it away ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Julie
Blow that horn, man ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ I'll get you
Some jumper cables ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ And a spot on MTV ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You could, man ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You play that sax
Just like Clarence Lemons ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You know, the guy that plays
For Señor Jefe ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ You know
Mr. Springstein ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Yeah ¶

¶ All right,
Don't overdo it, though ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Another sunny honeymoon ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Another season ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Another reason ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Another bride
Another groom ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Ages ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ You'll find men
Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ I'm telling you, man
Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Everywhere ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody's makin'
Good wages ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Wages ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Somebody wants her share ¶
¶ She wants a share ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ She calls him Toodles
And rolls her eyes ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ She makes him strudel ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ She bakes him pies ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ What is it all for? ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ It's so he'll fall
For makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ Uh-huh
That's what she's after ¶

¶ Down through
The countless ages ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ No way ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ $5000 per ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ Money, money, money ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ Some judge who thinks
He's funny ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ Says
"You pay 6 to her, buddy" ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ He says, "Now, judge
Now, look, what if I fail? ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ You wouldn't put a nice guy
Like me in jail ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ You would?
Well, then you keep her ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ You'll find it's cheaper
Than makin' whoopee" ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ We're makin' it
Whoo hoo hoo ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ We're makin' it ¶

¶ He doesn't make
Much money ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

¶ We're makin' it ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

¶ Makin' whoopee ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

¶ I got me
Some backup babes ¶

¶ Oh, sing it, girls ¶

Right.

They got
some weird food here.

Right.

Goddamn, what is this?

Right.

These are some kind
of nuclear crabs.

Right.

Boy, I bet these could eat
your balls alive.

Right.

( laughing )

Right.

I wonder what kind of lotion
will take these away

Right.

from your dick. Ha-ha-ha.

Right.

Hey, dude.
Check it out, man.

Right.