Original subtitles

One, two, three...

Wanker! Idiot! You're nothing but a piece of shit!

Fucking hell! How did I get landed with such a bum?

-But I love you. -Do change the record.

Tell me some good news, I'm sick of hearing how you love me.

What I want is a bath! A bath in a real bathtub!

A bathtub. It's hollow, with taps. And when you turn them on...

warm water comes out of them!

Another thing, I'd like to change my underwear. Just once in my life.

I'm sick of looking like a dishcloth.

-I think you're beautiful. -Shut up, I'm sick of hearing it!

The more I stink, the more romantic you get.

I bet you just want me to ask me to dance.

That's right, I'd like to.

You're sick!

Are you blind? Can't you see we're drowning?

We're starving to death...

and what does he think about? Dancing! Idiot!

Dance with a creep like you? You don't even exist!

All you can do is stare at me with your spaniel eyes!

Think about busting your arse to get us out of the shit!

You're a gutless wonder... no balls!

I'm sick of dragging you around like a walking curse.

Have you finished? You didn't forget anything?

I don't want to end up a bag-lady, sleeping in the subway...

with rotgut to keep me warm.

You'd still tell me I'm beautiful!

Move on Antoine. You're useless! I'll manage alone. Piss off, you're in my way!

You're a jinx, a downer, so drink up and piss off!

Shut up, unless you want some more! A grand! Will that do?

How much to shut you up, lady?

Who's he? Who does he think he is?

-Know who that girl is? -I don't want to, she's too gobby!

She's my wife!

She can talk to me how she likes. She's sacred!

-That's never been used. -There's always a first time!

-Keep still! -I'll make it easy for you.

I don't want punk's blood on my clothes!

Aim below the water line or she won't sink! The crew's drunk!

A souvenir from jail. Ever been inside?

Put that pen-knife away and sit down. Don't be so petty!

I'm Bob. My one rule is, a man's got to get himself respected.

Look, she's quit bitching. One good slap and she's quiet.

What's your name? Denise?...Odile?...Monique?...

-Monique. -I knew it! Even got a crappy name!

Don't let her walk all over you, my son!

Specially as you're not so bad yourself! A billion times better than her!

-And what's your name? -Antoine.

That's more like it! A good name, like the smell of fresh sawdust.

-What do you do? Mechanic? -No. -Out of work? -No.

-Villain? -No. -Not much of anything, are you?

Can't be like that, son. Spread your wings!

Your bird's keeping you grounded?

For starters, here's a grand for you too. As a proof of friendship!

Dough's not a problem with me. When I've got it, so do my mates.

Don't sulk, no need to be jealous.

Here's a little bonus. Buy yourself some nice silk knickers.

Look, she's on the verge of tears. The excitement's too much.

-How do you do it? -Do what?

-Have all that money? -I've got lots of pockets!

Grab cash where you find it, dipstick. It's everywhere, it flows in the gutters!

Do like me. Just bend over.

Too tired to bend over? Got a bad back?

-Where are we going? -Why does he keep asking that?

-He's scared. -Worry about where you are!

Where am I?

OK, I'm asking you. Look around and tell me where you are.

-On a street. -What kind?

Just an ordinary street!

Quiet or busy?

-Quiet. -What sort of neighbourhood, grotty or posh?

-Posh. -Got the sweet smell of money? -What money?

Yours! The money you're about to grab! Come on, we'll start with this big white house. See it?

Look, I don't like bum deals.

I'm sidelined now, but that could change. No more being fucked around.

-What's up with him? -Dunno! He tails me like a dog!

-What are we going to do here? -Steal! -Why this one? -Is that one better?

-I didn't say that. -They're all full of dough!

-And if we get seen? -Who by? -The owners! It's not a bank holiday!

You're pissing me off! If you want to chicken out...

-Not at all. -This way then.

I've had the jitters too. First time, I shit my pants.

-Got a gun? -No, I don't.

-A crowbar? -No, I don't need one!

A keyhole needs lubrication... like all holes.

You start with some saliva... and wait till it yields.

Tax dodgers, I can tell.

-How can you tell? -The thickness of the carpet.

If only we had a house like this...

-Are you completely daft? -You hate the light?

-What if cops go by? -Better forget about the cops.

-Have you gone mad? -I'm taking a bath.

-You could use one too. -We here to rob, or get dolled up?

Rob some cleanliness and some elegance! You dress like a convict!

See, you look better now. I said that jacket would suit you.

Try this while you're at it.

-You taking the piss? -No, I'm not. Let me see it on you.

No-one's watching. Let the fur caress your cheek.

You're not a fairy, are you?

I've got big plans for you.

-Let's go! -What? -Bob's a fairy. Hurry, get dressed!

Now what's he saying...

I said it stank of tax-dodging. Some piggy-bank!

Hey, look at you. You're cute in that slip.

I could go for you...

Let's see how nice you smell...

Hey, she smells sweet.

This changes everything.

No way is this guy a poof!

-Who said I was? -I bet I can give him a hard on...

Wait, don't move. I can feel it coming!

Enough, already!

Wow! If all �poofs� were like you, there'd be fewer unhappy women!

-Want to check it out? -So I made a mistake, big deal.

Could happen to anyone.

Here. Take your bread.

-Do we split it? -I don't want any, it's all yours.

-How come? -Because...

Because...

How did you know that was the right house to hit?

My nose, son... I've got a big nose, so I can smell better than most.

Hold on a second!

-Do you smell bullion? -What bullion?

-I smell gold ingots! -Gold has no smell!

They throb... like an ex-con's heart!

They're in this house... trying to act cool, but that doesn't fool me!

-We've done enough for one night! -A house at night's like a woman in bed...

waiting moaning.

When she moans, I enter.

-There's grassroots France! -How're you gonna open it? -I'm not.

People aren't daft enough to stash gold bars in a safe.

I reckon the attic.

Odds-on, they're in a wicker trunk...

-Been there since the war... -My God!

It's not possible! You knew these houses! You got a tip-off!

Your nose isn't bloody radar!

It's a 'state of grace'. You're alone, sad... suddenly you meet a friend...

the clouds open... the sun shines... everything turns to gold...

OK, but I'm off. Your scams scare the fuck out of me! Here's your money.

-Monique, home! -Call that home? -It's better than jail!

-Don't leave like your shift ended! -I'm staying with him!

I'm sick of shit-holes. Want me? I won't be a drag. I long to live with a villain.

Can't you see he's unhappy?

Look at his eyes. He's your man, and he's my friend.

-I don't nick my friends' wives. -She's all yours.

I don't want her. She's already clinging! Let go of me!

-Where are you going? -To find Bob. -How will you do that?

Too late, you let him go! Learn to welcome a caring hand!

Why try to escape your destiny, Antoine?

I'm your destiny. Your future's decided. You meet me, follow me...

we get carried away by a whirlwind.

And when it stops...

What happens when it stops?

Guns... Prison...

It depends.

What are you two fairies up to?

You look delicious, all sleepy in the darkness.

-You came back to see me all sleepy? -To be frank... no.

-Why then? -I felt you were in danger.

Something told me, "don't leave them alone".

Smell something burning?

Got an electric heater in your shack?

Then, a cigarette's burning.

Nothing's burning! What is this?

-One of you will pay for this! -Mind the butane gas!

Mind the butane gas!

-Now where do we sleep? -Nowhere!

A thief's life is drifting around, parties, and ransacked houses.

-Where's their fucking dough? -It's not always the jackpot right off!

So... where did you stash your savings?

-I have none. -So why the gun? -Makes my wife feel safer.

-She's worried? -Lately she's been edgy, with migraines.

-How does she sleep? -Really badly.

-We'll do it quietly, then. -Yeah that's a better idea.

-What's that blue light? -What blue light?

-There's a cop car outside! -You're so scared you attracted them!

-Keep still! -It's you, you've been at it an hour!

Come here baby... come and see my surprise.

-She talking to me? -She's your wife. She wants her share!

-But I'm giving you one! -I'll re-route you.

-I don't agree... at all! -I do... I say absolutely "yes"!

-How exciting, a two-headed woman! -I say "great". Better and better!

Now, tell us where your savings are!

Not a pretty picture!

Get out! There are limits!

-They were telling where their savings are. -Who are these fellows?

-Burglars! -So where's your dough? -It's not for the likes of you!

-Don't touch my wife! -You touched mine! -Yours is a slut!

-Shut up, or I'll slap you too! -Go ahead, hit me in the face.

One more to calm you! That's different!

-He's got a gun! -Who? I have!

And it's pointed at you!

-Wait, I forgot my knickers! -Forget it, there's no flies in winter!

Your bullshit almost did for us.

You should dodge owners... especially when they're armed!

-It's your fault, you affect me. -My fault? This guy's a riot!

-You affect me so I fuck up. -How do I affect you?

Your presence, your smell. When you're behind me in the dark I fall apart.

When you're in front, it's even worse!

-This bloke's a bit strange. -In what way?

-I reckon he wants to fuck my arse. -Could be...

That's all you've got to say?

What's it like to be a prey?

-Take your hand off my fly while I eat. -Why? -It bothers me.

First time it will... it takes a while to enjoy it.

-Leave off! -Don't be nasty! -I'm not, but I'm no poof!

Subtle difference!

No-one said you were a poof!

-Someone call him a poof? -No, I don't think so.

Sit down! Don't be jumpy! Finish your fois gras in peace. It's stolen.

There, he's sulking again. Another ruined evening.

-But you did get a stiffy. -When?

I felt a swelling when I put my hand on your fly.

-That was my knife. -That's cold. What I felt was hot!

Hot as a grilled chipolata!

Stop it. He'll think we're making fun of him. I'm serious... look at his eyes.

He could walk out on us. You won't do that will you, Antoine?

We'd miss you. Especially poor Monique.

She'd be sad if you deserted her.

Wouldn't you be sad, Monique?

Go ahead and laugh!

Of course we're laughing! You're so uptight, we can't help kidding you!

Kidding...

-So, you were kidding? -What do you think?

-So your hand on my fly was a wind-up? -I'm taking you for a ride! Yes I am!

You pillock! If I was a poof I'd have had you a long time ago!

Think about it. I bloke like me... I'd corner you in a dark spot...

...chocky-roll time! Up with my jackhammer! Solid egg roll! Pure Polish sausage!

A drop of wine?

Can I coax you?

Coax rhymes with hoax!

Sorry. I may be thick, but I have my doubts.

You're as thick as they come! A looker, but no genius.

Leave my looks out of this! I know what I look like!

It's quite a problem...

Look into my eyes. You'll feel sublime.

-I've never seen you with a woman. -What would I do with one?

They're too easy. Like empty houses they want to be occupied. I need resistance.

-like you. -Some women resist. -When they're dogs!

-Even beauties -No! -It often happens!

Stop arguing! Ugliness resists, beauty yields or is taken.

-Well, I won't yield! -I'll wear you down!

-Dirty old poof! -Easy does it, boys!

Your breath stinks like a urinal!

Don't be so damn nasty, Antoine!

Bob's a wonderful friend. You'll hurt his feelings.

Forget it sweetheart, it's OK.

-I get arse-fucked because he's a friend? -Got any other friends?

Me neither! Bob's our only friend. He changed our lives with his magic wand!

Don't fuck it up by being so touchy!

I'm not being too touchy. It's my arsehole!

-It's not going to be a subway station! -Shut it! -What's up?

More owners, I fear.

I'll never go to the theatre again.

Or anywhere else.

So, what's life all about for you and me?

Which life do you mean?

Have a bite with us, to cheer you up.

We found a vintage Pommard in your cellar. It's superb!

So, tell us... did you clean us out?

The usual: jewels, furs, cash...

nothing traumatic.

Poor people... they risk their freedom to steal our boredom.

We have a lot of fun, really.

-Lucky you! -We're bored stiff.

Yet you have a nice home.

Empty. No soul.

A piano without music... abstract paintings that freeze your blood.

All this for what happiness? When did we last smile?

We'd better get going...

Why not spend the night here? We've lots of guest rooms, always empty.

Maybe next time. We've got other house calls to make tonight.

-Don't you trust us? -It's not that...

-Afraid we'll call the law? -Not people like you.

I had a gun in my pocket.

You're so nice, I never thought of using it.

You're very nice too. Even nicer if you put away that gun!

Let's make a deal.

My wife will slip on her black negligee, and we'll have a nice little party.

-What sort of party? -A swingers' party.

Boys, girls...

-A mixed affair. -Interested?

-Well... -You don't have much choice.

I've got the artillery.

We'll return what we stole. We ate and drank, so we're ahead.

I want to see you fuck my wife. One in front, one from behind.

-While I fuck your arse. -What do I do? Knit?

-Did I kill him? -No.

-He'd stopped moving! -Big deal!

You've got to start somewhere!

Now where's he going?

He's moving! You're a drag!

-Ever kill anyone? -Comes a time you have to. Always.

Your day will come, like the rest of us.

Right now, if I felt your arse, you're so upset you'd kill me.

Cut the crap, Bob.

Give me another hard-on like before?

Don't you dare touch me... ever!

Oh well...

-I'm not so snooty about getting shafted. -Belt up!

I've shagged guys just so it wouldn't spoil their evening.

Belt up!

-Since when do you tell me to belt up? -Since now, so shut it!

I know about your past. Just one cock after another!

It's time you groped a few... king-size and fully swollen!

-Sorry, not interested. -I made myself. Once it's in, the hard part's over.

Don't be crude. It's not the same for women.

How is it "not the same"?

Bullshit! They ram it in us, kiddo, same as you.

Reamed to the bone, then a load up the arse, without a thank-you!

You have to fake moans and squirm in the pillows!

And as for the foreplay!

The bastards!

It's about time you found out!

You always forced yourself?

Almost always.

Even with me?

With you, it's OK.

Because I love you.

-Really? -Sure.

Then listen carefully... We've just met a terrific guy.

Thanks to him, I know what it means to be a woman again.

I eat well and sleep in clean sheets.

When I look in the mirror, I feel like smiling. I feel sunny inside.

So if you love me, see that it lasts.

So there's a few snags. But I'll always be here to comfort you.

Like it when I comfort you?

You'd rather I smelled of perfume than stale cabbage?

Like it when I strut around in my 200 franc slip...

when the tiny strap slides off my shoulder?

And how do you like my new panties?

Yeah, a lot...

Oh... who's that?

It's good morning from Bob!

-Sleep well? -Great.

-Shag yourselves senseless? -It was great.

Did you shag hard or softly?

We shagged lovingly... and lazily.

That's the best way. Like a slow waltz.

I started her off from behind, then she sucked me.

We ended missionary-style.

-With a full climax? -With a full climax.

-Hear the screams? -Alas, no. I wear earplugs with you two.

Know what you need?

A nice tattoo.

-I don't like 'em much. -No?

I see you with a pretty rose... there!

Something really simple.

Your heart's beating really fast!

-Where are you going? -The hairdresser. -You went yesterday. -Now I go every day.

We'll be here. Just hanging around.

Scared of being alone with Bob?

We'll talk fashion. You'll see...

Time flies when you're with me. It gallops by like wild horses.

-Look at me when I'm talking to you. -I'm looking at Monique.

What's she up to behind my back?

-Putting on her stockings. -You about finished trying to distract us?

-Let her get dressed in peace! -She's showing off! When there's...

a bathroom with a door!

There... just have to speak up!

You're too soft.

Whenever you feel violent, you stifle it.

A real softy.

-That's why she puts you down. -I like looking at her legs.

A woman is even prettier dressing than undressing.

And watch out for softies. Some could beat the shit out of you!

I'm just warning you as a friend.

Stop knocking your future, Antoine.

It's solid as a brick wall.

Don't scrape your knuckles on it!

Just passing through...

Exit the excess baggage. Now for the essentials!

I have a tattoo that changes size. It kind of grows.

When it's snoozing, it's a grenade. When it awakes, it's a torpedo!

-Like to see it? -Are you back in your jail cell?

We're all in a cell, son. You, me, everybody. Life is a prison.

And the only way out is feet first.

Never kid about those things. I'm going to fuck your arse.

And you're gonna come. Your arsehole will quiver with joy!

Don't scream for help, no prison guards here.

No-one will show up.

You'll be alone with your shame. But I'll turn it to happiness... a bouquet of flowers.

-You talk well, when you want to... -Your sweet lips inspire me!

Your lips and your heart...

and all that goes with it. I'll slip inside and swipe the lot.

Watch out. I'm booby-trapped. You'll get blasted!

You're vulnerable. Something in your eyes says you're wavering...

Never wanted to snuggle up to something?

Like what?

Something solid. Like a pillar.

So you could sleep in peace, safe and sound.

-And Monique? -What Monique?

You see a Monique here?

I don't see a Monique.

I just see two blokes. Bob and Antoine.

Made for each other, like the sky and the sea.

Monique�s just a seagull...

Remove the seagull and the painting's the same.

There's always the sky and the sea.

And the two of us... on the beach...

with wet skins...

The glistening sands...

Go on... keep talking... I'm wild about seascapes.

Is there a lighthouse... and fishing boats?

OK, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you.

I get carried away. It's an old wound.

Blame it on my spell inside.

Jail's no picnic... especially when you're 20...

What are you doing here?

Waiting for you.

What for?

Have a guess.

I give up.

-Not a clue? -Not a one.

Sorry, not a one.

-Take me away. -Where to? -Away from losers.

-You really are a slut. -That's why we get on so well.

Two sluts like us could work wonders.

I don't have the looks to work wonders.

Oh no? If I were you I'd wait before pooh-poohing it.

Women can be pretty good. They don't have balls, but they're OK...

-I'm not interested in balls. -I am. Balls and shoulders.

Real shoulders that can weather storms.

I'm in love, Monique. Sorry to have to hurt you, but I am.

With Antoine?

I'm nuts about him. I don't know why, but I am.

-Have you told him? -All he cares about are your suspenders!

To him I'm an animal. What can I offer him? Nothing!

Just my sweat!

Poor Bob.

-Life is sure screwed up. -Cut it out. I don't want your pity!

Would you mind if I sat on your lap?

The way things are going...

What did women do to you?

Unfair competition! Look how you're built! You're made for love!

Anyway around, nothing's wasted. I can't compete, I'm just a lump of meat!

Exactly what are you two up to?

Nothing.

Just talking...

Why? Do you want to see me?

-Not pulling a fast one? -What do you mean?

Acting the poof, so you can shag my wife?

-You're cute when you're worried. -Get your roving hands off her thigh!

Want to take my place?

-You two in this together? -We're just friends. Isn't that OK?

I was sad... I needed affection...

I need affection, too.

You refuse it. You close up like a clam.

Can't you see how he loves you? He's so unhappy, how far can you push him?

Want him to fall ill?

I'm not faking it, Antoine...

I swear... Look how my hands are shaking...

-Where are you going? -Out for a walk.

-This the first time you've fucked a woman? -Of course not! I've had loads!

-So, what made you switch? -Boredom.

-You bored right now? -I'm not enthralled.

I bet in five minutes... I'll make you whisper sweet nothings...

Try, but don't bank on it.

-So now you like women? -Is that so bad?

-No, but I'm a man! -Oh yeah... -So which way are you leaning?

I'm leaning... I don't know which way!

What about you?

You make me want to puke!

Stop bouncing on me! Your fella's watching us!

If you intend to fuck both of us, it's a no go!

You have to choose!

Keep shagging me, baby! Slamming doors turn me on!

Look kids, it's not on!

We gotta sort this out. It's weighing us down.

-Sort what out? -It's all perfectly clear.

Say, right now. I'm tired... so what do I do?

I get my coat and leave you two here.

Shall the lover-boys do a job?

-I don't want to! -Oh yes, you know you do!

My life is well-organised around a woman. Why get dragged into...

Take off your shoes, and no psychology. It's bollocks!

-Why take off my shoes? -Some houses you do barefoot. It's the rules.

-What rules? -You don't act on marble as you would on broadloom!

It's a matter of harmony. If you can't grasp that, say so!

We'll split up and you can do your own burglaries!

-Don't get worked up! -Well, I am!

And with good reason. Want to know why I'm worked up?

-I want you to calm down. -I will when this world is clean.

When children can breathe pure air.

Know what pure air is?

Butterflies... flowers... babbling brooks.

A girl you love, lying under a willow tree...

chewing a blade of grass. Pearl buttons on her white dress!

-You don't dare touch her... -Stop it, Bob.

Hear her breathing? Quivering like wheat...

What's wheat got to do with it?

I'm talking about what I love.

Of what I lost...

Of what was stolen from me...

I'll give you back your dreams...

Someone's come in.

-A burglar, perhaps? -Cut the crap, it's no time...

Relax, I'll take a look. I'm here, don't worry.

Touchingly inexperienced...

Wavers between abrupt refusal and childlike abandon...

with sudden bouts of shyness...

that leave him shaking.

Blushing, on the brink of tears.

I want him! I want him!

Despite my appearance, I'm a gentle chap...

fragile and sensitive.

I hate violence.

Where's Bob? I came with a mate named Bob!

He sold you! I gave him a lot of money so I could spend the night with you.

No point in calling him. He's gone.

Let's talk about us.

Anything you desire? Hungry? Thirsty?

-Bob, you bastard! -Choose your friends more carefully.

I, for example, could be a wonderful friend to you...

Attentive... Affectionate...

-Bob! For God's sake! -You'd get out of your rut...

Go to the Opera... Art galleries...

Don't you like art?

Yes, I do.

But your mouth... your saliva... I can't bear that...

Am I that revolting?

That's not what I meant... But you see...

It's hard enough for me to sleep with a friend...

But a stranger... I don't mean to hurt you...

Here.

-Take my gun. -What for? -I said, take it!

You'll feel freer.

I'm not mad about guns.

How about a hand on your balls?

Don't harm him, pillock! He's our protection!

Look what you've done to him!

You're a savage. I'll never take you out again!

What'll he think of me now? I owe him everything!

I'll have to give him back his dosh. We really earned a crust tonight!

-Better thank your folks for your cute arse! -My parents are dead.

My condolences. Mine won't last long. Two winos!

No, I mean really! Trying to soften me up?

No need. I spent 10 years in the softener!

-Why'd you sell me? -I'm a crook! Don't trust crooks, they've no honour!

Crooks are rotten! Their folks die of grief.

Coming?

I've had enough for one night.

-You're sleeping with her? -Yes. -But, why? -Because.

To make me suffer more?

-I need to think, to understand. -Understand what? You switched tonight!

I want to touch Monique, smell her perfume.

-You know she's a bitch! -So? I'm surrounded by bitches!

The guy in your bed just had his arse fucked.

So there.

Life's a bowl of cherries!

Taking it up the arse isn't so serious...

but getting to like it is.

Exactly.

Getting to like it?

Right.

Shit! Do something! Don't let me sink! I'm asking for help!

Relax, darling.

You know we're like a rock, the two of us... Look...

How do you feel when I'm like this?

I don't know anymore, Monique.

That's what's horrible. I don't know!

I've waited, trembling...

She doesn't get to me anymore.

That's only natural, kiddo.

Come next to m. I'll warm you up...

-She's growing lovelier, I know it! -But the electricity's gone.

The sparks are with me, now.

Can you feel the sparks?

-I want to go to the seaside. -With me?

Yes, with you. Take me to the seaside.

You're pretty when you want to be.

So they say.

Mum used to say, when I was little: "One day you'll be a knockout".

"All the men will fall at your feet."

You got on well with your mother?

Like all girls with their mothers.

Is it a downer to talk about your mother?

Not at all.

Then why are your eyes glistening?

My eyes glistening?

Sure... See, Antoine? She's about to sob.

I want a normal life...

I want to have kids...

Maybe it's not too late.

I want a home...

What kind of home would you like?

Something modest...

A small flat to take care of...

-Don't sulk. -I'm not. -You are. Wasn't it a good day?

-Sure. -So smile! You look like an old hen!

Mmm, smell that good stew?

-Have a drink, dinner's nearly ready. -Nearly ready! You said 8 PM and here we are.

We had our drink ages ago! What have you been up to?

-Washing my hair. -She washes her hair, now!

-Who are you looking after? -Ready in five minutes!

Too late! We'll be at the restaurant by then. Antoine, let's go!

-Don't leave me alone! -Serves you right. We said 8 PM.

I hate being fucked around!

-Ironing done? -On the dresser. -Why not put away?

-I didn't have time. -Seems you've had time for nothing!

Look at that work!

Shirts that stink of cabbage. I said don't flatten the collars!

We'll have to send our laundry out!

-Have you changed the water? -I forgot...

I buy Antoine flowers, and you let them die!

-What have you done all day? -Cleaned the toilet, the bath, the whole place!

Ok, don't get upset, darling. You'll depress Antoine again.

The whole place? You moved dust around!

-Can I get in? -What'd she say?

-Can I get in? -What for?

-To warm up. -We're busy... don't tense up mate!

-She said she's cold. -She's always whinging! Don't spoil our happiness!

-She's not a dog! Get the fuck off! -Keep still... I'm coming!

-Basket heavy? -Yeah, pretty heavy.

Here, let me help you.

I hate to see a woman wear herself out.

-You're not local? -No.

I host a nightclub on the Costa del Sol.

In Spain?

Yep, with my own swimming pool, in an olive grove.

Sunshine all year long...

Does that turn you on?

There! Steam your own vegetables! I'm off to Spain!

-Bye-bye bum bandits! -What's up with her, Bob?

-Not a clue! -Stop her for chrissake! -I can't. There's a bloke!

-Kick him out! -I can't, he's got a gun!

He won't taste heaven with you, slag!

Ta, Pedro. Best of luck!

I knew she was going to split. I felt it.

Oh Monique, why are you deserting me?

I'm here. I'll comfort you. We'll be good together.

-You'll love me, won't you? -Of course I will.

I'll make you a princess!

-Mmm... smells good. -It's tarragon.

Nice idea, tarragon with scallops!

Scallops in tarragon sauce.

Not bad, as it goes.

-Not eating? -Thanks, I'm not hungry.

-Been eating chocolate all day? -I'm just not hungry.

How long are you gonna pull that long face?

-I'm not. -Like hell. I feel like ordering a coffin.

Who's fault's that? You haven't looked at me for 5 weeks!

-I do look at you! -You ignore me. You come in, sit down and eat.

You go to bed to read the paper. Then you sleep like a dog.

Where do I fit in? Should I take up weaving... join a senior citizens' club?

We never eat out or go to the cinema. You're hiding me away.

-It's spring, we haven't seen the buds. -She's making a scene.

It's not a scene, I'm cracking up!

In who's arms do you spend the afternoons? Why are you so tired when you get in?

I gave it all up for you... my woman, my principles!

Now I'm what you wanted... a poof, a girlie!

Soon I'll have stretch marks! And you treat me like dirt!

Look at me when I'm talking to you!

Presents...

-I couldn't, Bob. -'Course you can. They're your size.

-Don't ask me to do that. -For going out. I'm taking you dancing.

Be sweet. Look pretty!

-Meet Antoine, a country-cousin. -Congratulations, young lady.

Good to see you, Bob.

Shall I ask for a slow number?

Like a slow dance?

I love you.

It's 300 in a room, and 150 in the bog.

What's up? Feel faint?

-Are you ill? I'll get a doctor. -Leave me alone!

-What did I do wrong? -Squabbling already?

-She's edgy as hell. -Why not take a piss?

-Why say that? -Don't you want to go?

-Who with? -Surprise. Take a look.

Shall I make your eyes water?

-How would you do that. -Look.

There's your sweet pain.

You can't cut out like that!

No 150 for you. You don't know how!

You lousy shit! Scumbag! Arsehole!

Was someone rude to you?

It's my fault, Pedro. It was no good.

Forgive me, Pedro... I promise I'll improve.

-What are you doing? You're crazy! -Monique...

Don't worry darling. You'll see your olive grove again.

-Monique! -It's not Monique, it's Dolores!

Tomorrow I was leaving for Malaga! He said he's got the tickets!

It's me... don't shoot! It's me!

It's Antoine.

All alone, baby? Bored?

Fancy a drink? Champagne?

Better now? D'you puke?

-Take me to the seaside. What's she saying? Did you catch it?

-She wants to go to the seaside. -Can't you see I'm having fun?

Do I look like I want to go to the seaside?

You talked about it that day... the sky, the sea, the gulls... Remember?

Sorry, I hate scenes. You know, clinging vines...

-Now what? -I just killed a guy. Don't dump me, I'll be alone!

I'm not dumping you, little angel! He's just a little fling, a one-night stand!

-I just killed a guy! -We've all done it! Don't you think he has?

Look at his mug! Don't be jealous of that!

-Bastard! -I'm not a bastard!

I just want to live before I die!

Come too if you want! Mind if my girlfriend comes? She's alright.

Come on!

Pay no attention to me. Just keep at it!

-How can we with a gun pointing at us? -It's not pointing at you.

-I'm holding it, but don't jump to conclusions. -Put it away, then!

-I want to look at it. It's beautiful. -Is it loaded?

-Yeah... it's loaded -She's out of her fucking mind!

-See what she did? -Next time it's in your gob!

So far it's fun, but it could turn nasty!

You crazy? I don't even know this bird! Fuck her!

-So say something! -Belt up!

What d'you want, darling?

Can't we talk? Want to go to the seaside?

Start by putting that on!

-What do you mean? -Put it on your head! It's a wig!

I'll look like a pillock!

-How do we get to the beach? -Steal a car! -I don't like stealing cars!

-Prefer a bullet in the guts? -OK, I get it.

-Get out! Gimme the keys! -What the hell... It's my car!

It was your car! It's confiscated!

Who by? Are you the police?

No, Gay Lib! Two tired poofs off to the seaside!

-Why'd you ask me to stop here? -I don't know...

-Given up on the beach? -I don't know...

Gonna shoot me?

-I don't know. -I gotta know, don't leave me wondering!

-Keep your hands on the wheel! -My hands haven't budged! Don�t scream!

I'll scream if I want. It's good for me. It's all I've got left!

Stop it!

-Antoine? -What?

-Can I take of my wig for a while? -Why? -To breathe.

-You don't deserve to breathe. -My head's hot! It itches!

My garters itch! I'm uncomfortable! And I need a piss!

Stop it!

-Antoine? -Now what?

I don't want to die.

-Did you hear what I just said? -I'm not deaf, I hear you.

-Then answer me. -There's nothing to answer, my old mate.

-You said something, I noted it. -I'm getting bored. -Me too!

Then don't wait! Shoot me in the head! That's what a head's for!

-Does my brain scare you? -No, your soul does.

What about my soul?

It's black!

-Shall we go for a hot chocolate, girls? -What for?

To warm up. Taste something nice.

Nothing sweet for me. Chocolate never brought me luck. It's bitter.

-Not cold? -Of course I am.

-Feet hurt? -Of course they do.

-So come for a chocolate. -A nice hot chocolate.

Why are you clinging today? Let me do my work in peace!

What work? You haven't turned a trick!

Have you? Have you sold right out?

Daft bitch!

We picked a lousy spot, girls. It's unworkable. It's that icy wind.

-We should move on -It'll be the same. -No, it won't.

Yes it will. It isn't the place, it's the times!

-What times? -The new diseases. Read the papers!

-The papers are full of crap! -He can't even read!

You don't need to read. The papers are a pile of shit!

They put bad thoughts in people's heads.

-That's all! -Silly twat!

Silly twat? How dare you speak to me like that

Have you forgotten I'm your kid's godmother?

-I've forgotten everything. You piss me off. -But not your kid, I hope?

Fucking hell! How did I get stuck with two bums like you?

So have a life of your own. You're free.

To have a life, one needs a vocation.

-My vocation is to die. -Think of our son.

-I can't anymore. -Yes, you can. Close your eyes and you will.

We said, close your eyes!

There... See anything?

Yes...

Faintly...

-The school playground. -What's it like?

-Empty. -Of course... it's early.

-He's filling his satchel. -The red one or the blue? -Who cares?

-I gave him the red one! -OK, the red. Hear them running in the corridors?

Yeah, they're worked up this morning.

-All I hear is that bloody percolator! -Watch out! They're coming out!

Pascal, my little Pascal...

-Why's he all alone? -He's not. -He is. No-one's playing with him.

-He's in a corner, distraught. -Just a bit down, maybe...

-He knows I'm coming Sunday. -Then he's in love. -Who with?

-A little girl. -At his age! -Last Sunday, he had me worried.

"Stay a bit longer," he said. "Don't leave."

-He held me in his little arms... -He can't live with us.

We'd have to stick him in the wardrobe when customers come.

During the holidays, he was fine.

It's that new teacher. He's changed since she arrived.

Right. She's obsessed with new hairdos and make-up.

-Mme. Portal knew how to handle kids. -She was like a real mum, not a whore!

If you let whores educate kids, they'll all be bent!

Stop talking crap! Antoine's crying.

Teachers spread the clap. That's my diagnosis!

-Stop talking crap! -You for teachers? -Not a bit, birdbrain!

-When I was 5, they touched me up! -Then say so! -I do!

Louder! You gotta scream to be heard nowadays! No-one listens!

I can cry on demand too! I just open the taps.

There... A demonstration.

We're tired, girls. We need a holiday in the tropics.

-And all come back with the runs again! -I said, don't drink the water!

-I didn't! -I saw you! You drank the water and puked.

-Fuck you! So I drank tap water! -My poor little girl.

-Keep your big ugly hands off me. -They're not big. She's crazy.

-They are big, and I should know! -What a drag! I'm back on the street!

I'd rather freeze my arse off!

Wait for me. It's not so cold when there's two of us.

Can I have another beer, please?

pietroaretino 2008, autolycus 2009