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1
00:00:02,834 --> 00:00:06,000
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
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00:00:10,534 --> 00:00:11,968
( Man on radio )
Name every single musical
By stephen sondheim
3
00:00:12,067 --> 00:00:14,968
For two free tickets
To the amy grant concert
4
00:00:15,067 --> 00:00:17,334
At the el dorado theater.
5
00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,834
Oh, my god,
That's such a gimme.
6
00:00:18,934 --> 00:00:19,868
Hit the lights,
Let's find a phone.
7
00:00:19,968 --> 00:00:20,968
That is so easy.
8
00:00:21,067 --> 00:00:22,167
into the woods,sweeney todd, company,
9
00:00:22,267 --> 00:00:23,567
a little night music,merrily we roll along,
10
00:00:23,667 --> 00:00:25,000
west side story.
11
00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:28,868
No, i thought leonard bernstein
Wrote west side story.
12
00:00:28,968 --> 00:00:31,434
Oh, no, no, he did, but
The lyrics are actually by--
13
00:00:31,534 --> 00:00:33,834
( Crash )
14
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:36,400
( Sirens )
15
00:00:36,501 --> 00:00:39,300
( Tires screeching )
16
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:42,367
Oh ! Oh...
17
00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:49,133
( Screaming )
18
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:57,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.SubtitleDB.org today
19
00:01:09,868 --> 00:01:11,567
( Siren )
20
00:01:14,767 --> 00:01:15,734
( Man )
I think we should all give
21
00:01:15,834 --> 00:01:17,167
A great, big hand
To trudy wiegel,
22
00:01:17,267 --> 00:01:19,701
Who did beautiful
Cover artwork
23
00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:22,701
For our new
"Bomb threats" brochure.
24
00:01:22,801 --> 00:01:24,434
( Applause )
25
00:01:24,534 --> 00:01:26,868
( Woman )
Way to go, trudy.
26
00:01:26,968 --> 00:01:30,067
Did you do it on the computer,
Or you just drew it by...
27
00:01:30,167 --> 00:01:31,934
Actually, i took it from
28
00:01:32,033 --> 00:01:34,000
Sparks' sheriff department
"Bomb threats."
29
00:01:34,100 --> 00:01:35,701
I just photocopied it.
30
00:01:35,801 --> 00:01:41,968
But i photo--
I photocopied it.
31
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:42,968
Okay, next order
Of business.
32
00:01:43,067 --> 00:01:48,167
We have received
Here at the department--
33
00:01:48,267 --> 00:01:52,467
They are doing an execution
Of a convicted felon
34
00:01:52,567 --> 00:01:54,234
Down there in carson city,
35
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:57,934
And we have received
Two passes to be eyewitnesses
36
00:01:58,033 --> 00:02:01,734
To the execution of this--
I don't know what he is.
37
00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:02,901
He's a serial
Murderer or something.
38
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,334
Now, i know that-- i know
Everybody wants these,
39
00:02:05,434 --> 00:02:09,400
So we're gonna do it the way we
Generally do stuff like this,
40
00:02:09,501 --> 00:02:10,167
And we're gonna
Do a scavenger hunt.
41
00:02:10,267 --> 00:02:13,267
( Cheering )
42
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:14,968
While you're out there
Fighting crime today,
43
00:02:15,067 --> 00:02:19,501
Keep on the lookout for
A crackhead with a wig.
44
00:02:19,601 --> 00:02:20,434
Five points.
45
00:02:20,534 --> 00:02:21,534
Easy.
46
00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:24,267
Uh, perp over 6'5",
That's ten points.
47
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,868
Man with teats is five.
48
00:02:27,968 --> 00:02:29,901
Best-looking hooker, 15.
49
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,934
Red foreign car,
Perp with an animal tattoo,
50
00:02:33,033 --> 00:02:37,100
And, uh, double points
If they're jewish.
51
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,334
When we tally it all up,
52
00:02:38,434 --> 00:02:40,200
Whoever's got the most
Points gets the passes.
53
00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:43,033
And, uh, don't be
Planting evidence.
54
00:02:43,133 --> 00:02:46,367
They have to be a bona--
Bona fide arrest, okay ?
55
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:47,367
Jones ?
56
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:49,300
Yeah, uh, lieutenant,
57
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:52,934
Would you mind specifying
"Man with teats" ?
58
00:02:53,033 --> 00:02:56,267
I mean, technically,
I guess,i'm a man with teats.
59
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:59,133
No, they gotta be bigger
Than jones' to count.
60
00:02:59,234 --> 00:03:02,234
You gotta be, really,
At least like a "b" or "c" cup.
61
00:03:02,334 --> 00:03:05,033
So as you book them,
I'll tally them up.
62
00:03:05,133 --> 00:03:09,234
And no cheating,
No cheating, no cheating.
63
00:03:09,334 --> 00:03:11,400
Getting two tickets to this
Execution is kinda like
64
00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:13,868
Getting two tickets
Right up front at nascar,
65
00:03:13,968 --> 00:03:16,734
And you know that
Jeff gordon's gonna die.
66
00:03:16,834 --> 00:03:18,434
( Jones )
It's ringing, okay.
67
00:03:18,534 --> 00:03:20,033
Hello ?
68
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:22,167
Hi, yes, could i get
A pizza for delivery ?
69
00:03:22,267 --> 00:03:24,567
Mm-hmm.
70
00:03:24,667 --> 00:03:27,934
I'm on peckham and...
71
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:29,033
Neil.
72
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:29,934
Neil.
73
00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:31,100
Near the rec center.
74
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,133
Near the rec center.
75
00:03:32,234 --> 00:03:33,100
Complex, yeah.
76
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,634
Complex, yeah,
The rec center complex.
77
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:39,033
Could i get a large
Pepperoni, mush.
78
00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:40,534
Tell them, uh...
79
00:03:40,634 --> 00:03:42,133
15 minutes ?
80
00:03:42,234 --> 00:03:44,000
Yeah, could i get
That in 15 minutes ?
81
00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:47,133
I'll give you
An extra $20.
82
00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:48,334
Never gonna make it.
83
00:03:48,434 --> 00:03:49,634
It's about 47
Miles from here.
84
00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:51,300
Okay, great.
85
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,834
Thanks.
86
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,200
Cool, he's the guy, right ?
87
00:03:56,300 --> 00:03:57,400
He's the one.
88
00:03:57,501 --> 00:03:58,634
He's the one.
89
00:03:58,734 --> 00:04:00,033
Oh, there he is.
90
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:01,367
Flip on the old
Lights there.
91
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:03,801
Hey... Slow down there.
92
00:04:03,901 --> 00:04:06,868
Look at that,
Mario in the pits.
93
00:04:06,968 --> 00:04:08,801
Go, all right.
94
00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:11,734
Oh.
95
00:04:11,834 --> 00:04:13,033
How you doing
Today, sir ?
96
00:04:13,133 --> 00:04:14,701
Um, hi.
97
00:04:14,801 --> 00:04:16,300
Hi, i need you to do
Three things for me.
98
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:17,968
Can you shut off
Your vehicle,
99
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,601
Grab your license,
100
00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:22,601
And step out of
The car there, sir ?
101
00:04:22,701 --> 00:04:24,501
Okay, did i do
Something wrong ?
102
00:04:24,601 --> 00:04:26,501
Well, we got you for
Speeding there, buddy.
103
00:04:26,601 --> 00:04:27,968
Whoa !
104
00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,834
Let me see,
Whoa, yikes.
105
00:04:30,934 --> 00:04:31,734
You're phil ?
106
00:04:31,834 --> 00:04:33,033
Yes, yeah.
107
00:04:33,133 --> 00:04:35,067
Okay, how tall
Are you, phil 6'9" ?
108
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:36,801
6'9", yeah.
109
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:39,567
High up top.
110
00:04:39,667 --> 00:04:41,434
Phil, are you a jew ?
111
00:04:41,534 --> 00:04:43,033
Jew ? No, no, no, no.
112
00:04:43,133 --> 00:04:45,067
I swear.
113
00:04:45,167 --> 00:04:47,467
No ? Dammit.
114
00:04:47,567 --> 00:04:49,400
Okay, well, pop
On in there, phil.
115
00:04:49,501 --> 00:04:51,734
Pizza...
116
00:04:51,834 --> 00:04:53,000
Yeah, we'll deliver
That for you.
117
00:04:53,100 --> 00:04:54,868
It's peckham
And neil, right ?
118
00:04:54,968 --> 00:04:56,367
Yeah, wait,
How do you--
119
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,901
Well, that's where
They always go.
120
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,334
Huh ?
121
00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:03,701
Okay, so we got him
For speeding and...
122
00:05:03,801 --> 00:05:06,467
Driving without a license.
123
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,667
Crackheads, crackheads.
124
00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:12,634
Isn't one of your first
Cousins really super tall ?
125
00:05:12,734 --> 00:05:15,801
Yeah, but he just
Moved to denver.
126
00:05:15,901 --> 00:05:18,467
Yeah that's
A bit of a haul.
127
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:20,167
Uncle steve just
Moved to denver.
128
00:05:20,267 --> 00:05:21,767
He's your uncle ? I thought
He was your first cousin.
129
00:05:21,868 --> 00:05:23,501
No, no, no,
Well, it's both.
130
00:05:23,601 --> 00:05:25,100
It's kind of
A complicated thing.
131
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,634
His mom and my grandma--
132
00:05:26,734 --> 00:05:29,601
Yeah, their stump
Runs pretty tight.
133
00:05:29,701 --> 00:05:34,767
Uh... Crackhead with
A wig right there-- boom.
134
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:36,634
No, regular lady.
135
00:05:36,734 --> 00:05:37,667
Regular old lady.
136
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:38,934
Wait a second.
137
00:05:39,033 --> 00:05:40,501
I don't wanna
Plant crack on her.
138
00:05:40,601 --> 00:05:41,701
We could.
139
00:05:41,801 --> 00:05:42,934
That's a wig, but i don't
Wanna plant crack on her.
140
00:05:43,033 --> 00:05:45,400
Big mike, big mike !
141
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:46,801
Make a left up
At this corner.
142
00:05:46,901 --> 00:05:48,234
Big mike's been
Bragging about getting
143
00:05:48,334 --> 00:05:50,734
A brand-new tiger
Tattoo or something.
144
00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:52,667
He's been talking about
It all week long, yeah.
145
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,133
Oh, man, and if he
Has crack on him...
146
00:05:54,234 --> 00:05:55,434
Yeah, he always
Has crack on him.
147
00:05:55,534 --> 00:05:56,300
You think ?
148
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,200
Yeah, yeah.
149
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:58,901
Oh, there he is,
Ba-boom, big mike.
150
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,000
Captain of
Suspicious behavior.
151
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,701
Man with
An animal tattoo.
152
00:06:03,801 --> 00:06:04,734
Oh, five points.
153
00:06:04,834 --> 00:06:06,000
Hey, mike.
154
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,968
How you doing, big mike ?
Sheriff's department.
155
00:06:09,067 --> 00:06:10,901
How you doing, mike ?
156
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,000
Hey, you wanna
Put that hose down ?
157
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:14,067
Hey, hey !
158
00:06:14,167 --> 00:06:15,334
Put the hose down, mike.
159
00:06:15,434 --> 00:06:16,501
Put the hose
Down, mike.
160
00:06:16,601 --> 00:06:19,767
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
161
00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:21,167
Illegal to fill
Up a pool ?
162
00:06:21,267 --> 00:06:22,367
No, no, put it down.
163
00:06:22,467 --> 00:06:23,734
Don't freak out.
164
00:06:23,834 --> 00:06:24,901
I'm not freaking out.
165
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,601
Hey, mike, mike !
166
00:06:26,701 --> 00:06:27,601
Don't shoot
The mailbox.
167
00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:30,434
Mike, hey, hey, hey !
168
00:06:30,534 --> 00:06:32,601
Mike, mike !
169
00:06:32,701 --> 00:06:36,734
( Shouting )
170
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:38,367
I got him, i got him !
171
00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:39,667
Get down !
172
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,467
Down on the ground !
173
00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:43,067
Where's your
Tattoo there, mike ?
174
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,167
Where's your tattoo ?
175
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:45,501
There it is,
There it is !
176
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:47,100
( Screaming )
177
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:49,601
That's a nice-looking dragon
There you got there, mike.
178
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:50,834
It's a panther.
179
00:06:50,934 --> 00:06:51,868
That's a dragon.
180
00:06:51,968 --> 00:06:52,934
Can you see it ?
181
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,267
You thought it
Was a panther ?
182
00:06:54,367 --> 00:06:55,467
It's a panther.
183
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:56,834
No, that's a dragon.
184
00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:58,534
My sister's shop--
185
00:06:58,634 --> 00:07:00,667
She put it on and
Said it was a panther.
186
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:02,000
No, that's a dragon.
187
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,467
All right, now.
188
00:07:03,567 --> 00:07:05,367
I'm gonna have to
Pat you down now, mike.
189
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:08,434
It's a dragon,
It ain't a panther.
190
00:07:08,534 --> 00:07:10,400
Just put your hands there,
And we gotta pat you down.
191
00:07:10,501 --> 00:07:11,701
It ain't a panther ?
192
00:07:11,801 --> 00:07:12,834
We can't take him in
Just for the tattoo.
193
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:15,200
It's a dragon,
I got a dragon ?
194
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:16,334
Leave her alone.
195
00:07:16,434 --> 00:07:17,767
We got a...
196
00:07:17,868 --> 00:07:19,501
That's not illegal.
197
00:07:19,601 --> 00:07:21,868
He's got $3,
That's not illegal.
198
00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:23,467
What am i getting
Charged with, man ?
199
00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:25,000
Watering the lawn
And hanging out
200
00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:28,434
And being peaceable and
Stuff and hanging out ?
201
00:07:28,534 --> 00:07:29,934
He did threaten
Us with the hose.
202
00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:32,834
He almost sprayed
Us with a hose.
203
00:07:32,934 --> 00:07:35,801
I got a ( bleep ) dragon
Tattooed instead of a panther.
204
00:07:35,901 --> 00:07:37,234
We gotta get
Something on him.
205
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:38,400
I'm gonna kill
You, brenda !
206
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:39,667
Hey, hey !
207
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:41,634
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
208
00:07:41,734 --> 00:07:43,734
That's illegal,
That's illegal.
209
00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:44,968
You're not allowed
To say that.
210
00:07:45,067 --> 00:07:46,701
I'm not gonna kill her.
211
00:07:46,801 --> 00:07:48,801
I'm just gonna
( Bleep ) her up.
212
00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:49,767
No, you can't do that.
213
00:07:49,868 --> 00:07:52,200
I'm sorry, mike.
214
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,834
Well, uh,
It is a dragon.
215
00:07:54,934 --> 00:07:57,167
It's not a traditional animal
216
00:07:57,267 --> 00:07:59,300
In the canon of
Animals, but, uh...
217
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:00,367
Five points.
218
00:08:00,467 --> 00:08:02,868
It's a pretty good start,
Pretty good start.
219
00:08:02,968 --> 00:08:04,167
I thought it was
A ( bleep ) panther.
220
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,667
( Siren )
221
00:08:08,767 --> 00:08:10,400
If i win
The scavenger hunt, okay,
222
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:12,667
And if i get those tickets
To the execution,
223
00:08:12,767 --> 00:08:17,901
You know, those have a market
Value of at least $300 apiece.
224
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,400
I'm selling them,
I gotta get a refrigerator.
225
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,033
( Laughing )
226
00:08:23,133 --> 00:08:27,868
Yeah... All right.
227
00:08:27,968 --> 00:08:29,734
Hey, hey, hey,
Ladies, hold on.
228
00:08:29,834 --> 00:08:31,467
Everybody come back.
229
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,701
Huh ? Come on,
Bring it on back.
230
00:08:33,801 --> 00:08:35,634
Come on.
231
00:08:35,734 --> 00:08:41,834
Let me get
A good look at... You.
232
00:08:41,934 --> 00:08:44,133
No, mm-mm.
233
00:08:44,234 --> 00:08:46,100
You're a little
Bit too thick.
234
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:48,000
Sister, come here,
Come here.
235
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:49,734
Come stand right here.
236
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:52,267
Reason i can't pick you--
See, you can't have that--
237
00:08:52,367 --> 00:08:56,200
When the edges is in africa
And the back is in china,
238
00:08:56,300 --> 00:08:58,968
Them continents
Don't meet, huh ?
239
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:00,167
Huh ?
240
00:09:00,267 --> 00:09:02,467
You go on and get you
Some hair that blends in.
241
00:09:02,567 --> 00:09:07,100
Come here, come here.
242
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:11,133
You got potential.
243
00:09:11,234 --> 00:09:13,467
Girls, it's
Your lucky day.
244
00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:16,467
Y'all staying,
She going.
245
00:09:16,567 --> 00:09:18,667
Let's go, thataway.
246
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:20,534
ciao ???.
247
00:09:20,634 --> 00:09:22,767
Yeah, ciao ???.
248
00:09:22,868 --> 00:09:24,934
Haha !
249
00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:26,501
No, no, no, no,
No, stand up.
250
00:09:26,601 --> 00:09:27,968
Stand up straight.
251
00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:30,868
Look, right here,
Right across here,
252
00:09:30,968 --> 00:09:32,834
In your t-zone,
You're kinda oily.
253
00:09:32,934 --> 00:09:34,033
You understand
What i'm saying ?
254
00:09:34,133 --> 00:09:34,868
My teeth ?
255
00:09:34,968 --> 00:09:38,400
No, not your teeth--
T-zone !
256
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:41,033
All you need now
Is a beauty mark.
257
00:09:41,133 --> 00:09:42,000
You know
What that is?
258
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:43,634
No ???.
259
00:09:43,734 --> 00:09:45,767
Beauty mark, mole,
This right here.
260
00:09:45,868 --> 00:09:47,100
( Foreign language )
261
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,067
Girl, will you please get
Off me about the sideburns ?
262
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:52,267
You're not getting
Sideburns, no !
263
00:09:52,367 --> 00:09:54,534
I said no !
Now zip it.
264
00:09:54,634 --> 00:09:57,634
If i win the scavenger hunt,
I'm taking jonesy,
265
00:09:57,734 --> 00:09:59,734
Officer jones.
266
00:10:03,601 --> 00:10:04,734
What ? What's the look ?
267
00:10:04,834 --> 00:10:06,067
No look.
268
00:10:06,167 --> 00:10:08,734
No look.
269
00:10:08,834 --> 00:10:10,567
You were the one
Looking at me.
270
00:10:10,667 --> 00:10:12,667
I'm just looking
To see why you--
271
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:15,667
Seem like you staring daggers
At me all of a sudden.
272
00:10:15,767 --> 00:10:18,501
I wasn't staring
Daggers at you.
273
00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:21,767
I was looking at you
'Cause you were talking.
274
00:10:21,868 --> 00:10:23,234
I don't think jones would
Go with you, anyway.
275
00:10:23,334 --> 00:10:26,367
He would.
276
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:28,767
He likes white
Chocolate, i think.
277
00:10:28,868 --> 00:10:32,100
I know for a personal fact
That jones eats the dark piece
278
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:35,167
Off the chicken, huh ?
279
00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:36,901
Huh ?
280
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,968
And i've seen him...
281
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:42,968
Very close to some
White breast meat.
282
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:43,934
You have not.
283
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:44,767
Yes, i have.
284
00:10:44,868 --> 00:10:45,534
You have not.
285
00:10:45,634 --> 00:10:46,400
On many occasions.
286
00:10:46,501 --> 00:10:47,167
You have not !
287
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,167
On many occasions.
288
00:10:48,267 --> 00:10:49,968
Please.
289
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:54,434
Come on over here and let
Me get a good look at you.
290
00:10:54,534 --> 00:10:56,100
Oh...
291
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:57,033
( Foreign language )
292
00:10:57,133 --> 00:10:58,834
Look at you.
293
00:10:58,934 --> 00:11:00,767
( Foreign language )
294
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:04,868
Beautiful, hollywood ?
Yes, whatever, it's beautiful.
295
00:11:04,968 --> 00:11:06,200
Jennifer lopez.
296
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:09,100
No, you ain't jennifer lopez,
But you're beautiful.
297
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:13,501
You are, without a doubt,
The best-looking hooker in reno.
298
00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:15,834
Now you're going to
Jail, get in the car.
299
00:11:15,934 --> 00:11:17,033
( Foreign language )
300
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:20,334
Come on, we going down,
Here, put these on.
301
00:11:20,434 --> 00:11:22,601
( Trudy )
Red foreign car.
302
00:11:22,701 --> 00:11:26,834
Five points
For trudy wiegel.
303
00:11:26,934 --> 00:11:28,167
Hello there, sir.
304
00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:31,400
I'm gonna need to see
A license and regi-- crap.
305
00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:33,834
I left it in neutral.
306
00:11:33,934 --> 00:11:36,234
Oh, ( bleep ) !
307
00:11:36,334 --> 00:11:39,334
( Bleeping )
308
00:11:41,167 --> 00:11:43,267
( Screaming )
309
00:11:48,934 --> 00:11:51,501
Oh, crap.
310
00:11:51,601 --> 00:11:54,000
Looked like he might've
Been a jew, too, ( bleep ).
311
00:11:57,968 --> 00:11:59,534
A lot of people ask me, "how
Would you like to die, garcia,
312
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:02,968
If you got the death penalty,
If you got executed ?"
313
00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:06,234
I would like to be buried
In dirt up to my neck
314
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,767
With my head sticking out
315
00:12:07,868 --> 00:12:10,934
And have a cobra strike
Me right in the face,
316
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:13,801
'Cause i wanna
See death coming at me.
317
00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,100
I wanna feel the fangs
Going in.
318
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,000
I want to feel
The venom pouring into my face.
319
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:23,033
And then watch the snake back
Away as i slowly fade away.
320
00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:24,300
Oh, yeah.
321
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,834
Anyone who wants to die
Should be allowed to die.
322
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:33,801
For instance, if clemmy wanted
Me to kill her, i would.
323
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:35,534
I would do
That for her.
324
00:12:35,634 --> 00:12:38,100
Because it takes
A village.
325
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:39,467
Yeah.
326
00:12:39,567 --> 00:12:42,567
It's that sunny attitude
That keeps the men away.
327
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:49,133
Yes, yes, yes, yes !
328
00:12:50,901 --> 00:12:51,934
Hi.
329
00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:54,334
Sir, you have no idea
How glad i am to see you.
330
00:12:54,434 --> 00:12:57,801
I... Actually, could
You step out of the car
331
00:12:57,901 --> 00:13:01,133
With me for a second ?
332
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:03,601
Thank you,
I appreciate it.
333
00:13:03,701 --> 00:13:05,834
Oh, no problem.
334
00:13:05,934 --> 00:13:08,334
Wow, how tall are you?
335
00:13:08,434 --> 00:13:09,634
I'm 6'10".
336
00:13:09,734 --> 00:13:10,734
6 feet, 10 inches ?
337
00:13:10,834 --> 00:13:11,801
Yes, ma'am.
338
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:13,267
Yes !
339
00:13:13,367 --> 00:13:15,267
Uh, i'm afraid, um,
340
00:13:15,367 --> 00:13:16,501
I'm afraid
You're under arrest.
341
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:18,634
Why ?
342
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:22,534
Uh, for picking
Up a hitchhiker.
343
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:23,968
You can't pick up a hitchhiker
In the state of nevada
344
00:13:24,067 --> 00:13:26,200
Or in the city of reno.
345
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,501
It's illegal, so i'm
Gonna have to take you in.
346
00:13:28,601 --> 00:13:33,701
If you wouldn't mind
We took your car,
347
00:13:33,801 --> 00:13:35,901
And i'll just ride
In the passenger seat,
348
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:39,234
But don't try any
Funny stuff, buddy.
349
00:13:39,334 --> 00:13:43,734
Might have to shoot
You or something.
350
00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:47,634
Wait, so i'm under arrest,
And i have to drive ?
351
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,634
Oh, man.
352
00:13:51,734 --> 00:13:53,100
He's out
There partying.
353
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:54,467
Ohh...
354
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,734
Friday night,
My friend.
355
00:13:55,834 --> 00:13:57,634
Maybe he's jewish, looks
Kinda jewish, don't he ?
356
00:13:57,734 --> 00:13:59,167
He does look jewish,
Let's see.
357
00:13:59,267 --> 00:14:02,200
No, no.
358
00:14:02,300 --> 00:14:04,133
Hi, sheriff's department.
359
00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:05,067
How you doing
Tonight, sir ?
360
00:14:05,167 --> 00:14:06,067
How you doing
Tonight, sir ?
361
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,901
( Singing )
362
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:10,701
Impressive.
363
00:14:10,801 --> 00:14:12,100
Sir, do you speak
English, sir ?
364
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:13,367
Yes, i speak english.
365
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:14,767
You speak english ?
366
00:14:14,868 --> 00:14:16,968
( Nonsense )
367
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:18,300
Hello.
368
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,300
Hello, how do you do ?
Sir, do you have any attire ?
369
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,968
Uh, what happened to
All your attire, sir--
370
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:24,567
Your pants, clothing ?
371
00:14:24,667 --> 00:14:27,734
The pants is no more--
No more pants.
372
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:29,434
Well, that's
Abundantly clear.
373
00:14:29,534 --> 00:14:31,534
Very, very hot.
374
00:14:31,634 --> 00:14:36,033
It's a cold night in the biggest
Little city in the world.
375
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,133
Sir, you're high.
376
00:14:37,234 --> 00:14:39,300
Have you taken drugs ?
377
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,701
Well, i was looking for--
I lost my cell phone, too.
378
00:14:42,801 --> 00:14:44,133
If you see my cell phone,
Let me know.
379
00:14:44,234 --> 00:14:46,334
* Happy night
380
00:14:46,434 --> 00:14:49,467
* No more work
For hrair *
381
00:14:49,567 --> 00:14:51,267
What's your name, sir ?
382
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:52,300
Hrair.
383
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:53,467
Hello ?
384
00:14:53,567 --> 00:14:54,601
Hrair.
385
00:14:54,701 --> 00:14:55,834
Harod ?
386
00:14:55,934 --> 00:15:00,200
H-r-a-i-r.
387
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,033
Your name starts with
An "h" and then an "r"?
388
00:15:02,133 --> 00:15:03,534
Hrair mnukien.
389
00:15:03,634 --> 00:15:04,667
Mnukien ?
390
00:15:04,767 --> 00:15:06,067
Are you armenian ?
391
00:15:06,167 --> 00:15:08,067
Yes, how you know ?
Are you armenian ?
392
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:11,400
No, do i look
Armenian to you, sir ?
393
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:14,367
Where'd you get the-- where'd
You get the ecstasy, sir ?
394
00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:15,534
My brother.
395
00:15:15,634 --> 00:15:16,701
Your brother ?
396
00:15:16,801 --> 00:15:18,067
You have any more gum ?
397
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,667
You got some gum.
398
00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:20,767
You have gum in
Your mouth, sir.
399
00:15:20,868 --> 00:15:21,901
No more flavor.
400
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:23,300
Okay, tell you
What we're gonna do.
401
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,901
We're gonna drive to jail,
And then when we get to jail,
402
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:27,601
If you're good,
You get the gum.
403
00:15:27,701 --> 00:15:29,734
Okay, hrair ?
404
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:32,534
You're very nice
Street-cleaning policemen.
405
00:15:32,634 --> 00:15:34,267
( Phone ringing )
406
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,300
Something's
Ringing in here.
407
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,234
Oh, my god,
Look at that.
408
00:15:40,334 --> 00:15:42,167
Hello ?
409
00:15:42,267 --> 00:15:45,300
Okay.
410
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,200
That was like some
Macgyver ( bleep ).
411
00:15:47,300 --> 00:15:48,901
We were able to figure
That damn thing out.
412
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:50,567
A little crime
Solving there.
413
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:53,067
Couldn't find the pants,
Called the phone in the pants.
414
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,934
There's one for
Father dowling, huh ?
415
00:15:56,033 --> 00:15:58,200
Oh, man, it's almost 11:00, we
Gotta get back to the station.
416
00:15:58,300 --> 00:15:59,767
All right, all right.
417
00:15:59,868 --> 00:16:01,534
Tyler time.
418
00:16:01,634 --> 00:16:03,267
I wish he was a jew.
419
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,234
( Dangle )
Moment of truth,
Moment of truth, here we go.
420
00:16:06,334 --> 00:16:08,133
And without further ado,
421
00:16:08,234 --> 00:16:11,200
The winner is
Raineesha williams, 25 points.
422
00:16:11,300 --> 00:16:14,200
( Cheering )
423
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:15,567
Gimme the tickets,
Gimme the tickets.
424
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,834
Hey, whoa, hope
I'm not too late.
425
00:16:17,934 --> 00:16:19,300
Hope i'm not too late.
426
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,767
What does
Garcia have here ?
427
00:16:21,868 --> 00:16:25,767
I believe i have a crackhead
With a wig, five points.
428
00:16:25,868 --> 00:16:28,567
I believe you're over
6'5", that's 15 points.
429
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:31,234
We got a perp with
An animal tattoo.
430
00:16:31,334 --> 00:16:33,000
That's gonna
Be another five.
431
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,067
( Williams )
I don't believe this.
432
00:16:34,167 --> 00:16:35,667
Look at that, let's
Get it on up there.
433
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:36,467
Let me stan out
Of the way here.
434
00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:37,701
See that ?
That's a bird.
435
00:16:37,801 --> 00:16:39,434
That's 20 points,
Ladies and gentlemen.
436
00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:41,467
Hello, hello,
Mr. Winner !
437
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:42,534
I got 25 points.
438
00:16:42,634 --> 00:16:44,100
That's not enough.
That's not enough.
439
00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:47,067
You know what ?
I almost forgot.
440
00:16:47,167 --> 00:16:49,667
The pi�ce de r�sistance.
441
00:16:49,767 --> 00:16:51,868
Look at that,
Star of daniel.
442
00:16:51,968 --> 00:16:53,968
Look at that,
20 x 2 is 40.
443
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:56,701
I believe that makes me
The winner by 15 points.
444
00:16:56,801 --> 00:16:58,267
Thank you very much.
445
00:16:58,367 --> 00:16:59,834
That don't prove nothing,
That's just a thing.
446
00:16:59,934 --> 00:17:04,334
Oh, yeah, jeff greenberg
On his driver's license.
447
00:17:04,434 --> 00:17:06,234
Jeff greenberg,
Read it.
448
00:17:06,334 --> 00:17:09,467
Garcia wins,
Garcia wins.
449
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:13,300
So, clemmy, you and me,
Baby, what do you say, huh ?
450
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,334
I wouldn't go to that
Execution with you, garcia,
451
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:18,434
If a unicorn flew
Out of my butt crack
452
00:17:18,534 --> 00:17:20,667
Because that is
A fresh tattoo.
453
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:22,834
It's bleeding.
454
00:17:22,934 --> 00:17:25,400
Get out, garcia,
Don't nobody wanna go.
455
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:26,534
Get out.
456
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:27,734
I'm gonna go by myself
Then, i'll find somebody.
457
00:17:27,834 --> 00:17:29,634
I'll find somebody,
Don't worry about it.
458
00:17:29,734 --> 00:17:32,767
( Man )
They better find some
Crack on that... Thing.
459
00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:37,601
( Siren )
460
00:17:39,968 --> 00:17:41,667
... That tattoo
On that woman.
461
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:50,100
He's going to jail.
462
00:17:55,767 --> 00:17:57,334
Hey, beautiful.
463
00:17:57,434 --> 00:17:59,868
( Foreign language )
464
00:17:59,968 --> 00:18:03,167
Yes, for you,
I got that for you.
465
00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:05,400
That's my hooker, garcia.
466
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:07,467
( Foreign language )
467
00:18:07,567 --> 00:18:10,834
Don't wave at me now,
Girl, i made you.
468
00:18:10,934 --> 00:18:14,167
You're gonna like this,
Whoa, whoa !
469
00:18:14,267 --> 00:18:15,400
Careful, right ?
470
00:18:15,501 --> 00:18:17,667
We're speaking
The same language.
471
00:18:17,767 --> 00:18:19,868
( Jones )
Punk ass.
472
00:18:19,968 --> 00:18:22,968
I do not believe this.
473
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:28,467
You like
Going downtown ?
474
00:18:28,567 --> 00:18:30,567
You look beautiful.
475
00:18:30,667 --> 00:18:32,667
I gotta move
The seat up.
476
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:35,834
Oh, what the hell.
477
00:18:35,934 --> 00:18:39,367
I'll give her
A shot anyways.
478
00:18:41,234 --> 00:18:42,767
So what do you think about
A burger or something
479
00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:44,868
Before we go ?
480
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:50,834
( Honking )
481
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:53,300
( Man )
Drive safe !
482
00:18:58,834 --> 00:19:00,467
( Crash )
483
00:19:02,234 --> 00:19:03,901
Ohh...
484
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,434
( Screaming )
485
00:19:05,534 --> 00:19:07,868
Wait, wait, wait.
486
00:19:07,968 --> 00:19:09,701
Welcome to benihana.
487
00:19:09,801 --> 00:19:14,834
( Imitating japanese )
488
00:19:14,934 --> 00:19:17,334
That's what we make
At benihana's.
489
00:19:17,434 --> 00:19:20,067
Attention, everybody,
It is now adult skate.
490
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:21,667
If you want to
See some stuff,
491
00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:23,367
There was a guy with
A flamethrower
492
00:19:23,467 --> 00:19:26,734
At the meat
And produce store.
493
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:28,667
He had a flamethrower.
494
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,300
It was horrifying.
495
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,467
I was there--
This was earlier--
496
00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:34,434
He probably might
Still be there.
497
00:19:34,534 --> 00:19:38,467
He was walking around, and he
Grabbed this woman's baby,
498
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:39,834
And he held it up
With a flamethrower.
499
00:19:39,934 --> 00:19:43,000
And he's like, "i'm gonna
Burn this baby, everybody !"
500
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,234
And everybody
Was like, "don't !"
501
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:47,701
I started crying,
It was so scary.
502
00:19:47,801 --> 00:19:51,067
Step down out of that
Truck for me, if you would.
503
00:19:54,601 --> 00:19:56,701
( Siren )
504
00:19:56,801 --> 00:19:59,467
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
505
00:19:59,567 --> 00:20:02,334
Captioned by
soundwriters*
506
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:06,334
What is a hand job ?
507
00:20:06,434 --> 00:20:10,901
You've never given or
Received a hand job before ?
508
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:12,234
I don't know,
What is it ?
509
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:14,634
You're a 40-year-old woman who's
Never heard of a hand job ?
510
00:20:14,734 --> 00:20:16,167
I can believe that.
511
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,133
Put it in context.
512
00:20:18,234 --> 00:20:21,234
What job can
Your hand do ?
513
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,934
She's never...
Never done it either.
514
00:20:30,033 --> 00:20:31,634
What did you think
A hand job was ?
515
00:20:31,734 --> 00:20:32,734
I knew, i knew.
516
00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:33,667
What on earth--
517
00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:34,901
That's what
I thought it was.
518
00:20:35,305 --> 00:20:41,232
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