All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.S07E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Hey, happy Halloween, Mrs. B.

Thanks. I love this holiday.

It is so spooky.

Um, hey, could one of you

grab my mug
out of the microwave?

Yeah.
I'll get it.

Kyle, you're gonna open the door
and whatever creature

was on sale at Halloween Town
is gonna be in there.

Probably a rat.

What? No.

Oh!

Sorry.

I was expecting a rat.

I love you, Mom, but
your Halloween pranks are lame.

Lame? There's a head
in the microwave.

Yeah, see? Some people
appreciate a good prank.

Oh, well, Kyle's easy.

Almost as easy as you.
You fall for everything.

No, I don't.
G-Give me one example.

-Boo!
-(screams)

You know what? That is not
a prank, that is just rude.

But stick around,
this might be the year

I pull off
the greatest prank ever.

Oh, we can't.
We're taking Kristin and Ryan

to the creepy abandoned trailer
Kyle inherited from his mom.

-We're having a séance.
-Yeah.

I just hope we don't
conjure up my mom.

Even as a ghost, she'll probably
still ask for beer money.

Fine, well,
it'll just be me tonight,

-home alone, handing out candy.
-Yeah, yeah.

Always starts with candy.
Then they'll expect

money, jobs, health care.
Sure.

Trick-or-treating:
the gateway drug to socialism.

Yeah, you said the same thing
about Santa Claus.

You called him
the welfare king of the north.

Specifically, the Santa
at the mall. The real Santa

makes you work for it
with naughty and nice lists.

I know about this.
Don't ask me how.

I can't believe
you are abandoning me

on my favorite holiday.

Honey, I told you this. We're
testing the security system.

Tonight's the perfect night,
'cause no one's

-gonna be at the store.
-All right, Kyle,

let's go.
We got a séance to host.

You know, if we could
talk to anybody who's dead,

-I'd pick Pee-wee Herman.
-What?

Babe, he's not dead.

Oh.

Well, he is awfully pale.

-(laughs)
-Look, I know you want me home

because you want to prank me,
but, honey, I got to admit,

your pranks just aren't working
anymore, okay?

Mm, yeah, you're right,
you're right. Why do I even try?

Hey, uh...

could you get my mug
out of the microwave?

Okay.

Ooh.

*

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

In America, our calendar
is marked by special days.

Um... the day we celebrate
our freedom, July Fourth.

The day we express
our gratitude, Thanksgiving.

And there's the day we all
get the crap scared out of us

by bloodsucking vampires,
Tax Day.

Of course,
Halloween can also be scary.

In fact, many of us--

it taps into our deepest,
deepest, darkest fears:

other people's children
coming to our house.

If you're like me,
you'd actually prefer zombies.

As a culture, we've always
loved scaring each other.

We build elaborate
haunted houses.

And how do we know
that they're working?

(laughing):
We make little kids cry.

What a country.

That's right, we try
to convince our children

the world is a safe place,
and once a year we scream,

"No, it's not! Boo!"

On Halloween, our nation
abandons the war on terror

to wage a war of terror

on our loved ones.

For some reason,
there's nothing better

than seeing those
nearest and dearest to us

standing in a puddle of...

of what we hope are tears.

Of course, this year's
most terrifying haunted house

won't open till
a week after Halloween.

It's called the
House of Representatives.

(sighs)

Baxter out.

Got to hand it to you, Mandy--

you picked the perfect place
to host a séance.

-Or contract hepatitis.
-We have to

untether our spirits
from this plane,

so everyone
must empty their minds.

Done.

You bring the candles?

Oh, yeah, brought
the, uh, Bernie Sanders.

Keep the flame alive.

I'm so glad you agreed
to join us, hon.

I know you had your heart
set on Halloween trivia night.

Yeah, it's okay. I've actually,
uh, never done a séance.

You know, the word "séance"
is French for "session."

Five points for Vogelson.

There's a little preview
of the bullet you dodged.

Oh, I dodged a bullet once.

See?

Shh! Everyone take a seat.

Prepare to summon the spirit

of the great Angelo Santucci.

The great who?

He was an Italian
fashion designer

famous for his all-white suits.

He died in an avalanche
in the Alps.

He was very hard to find.

That's one case where
a pair of black socks

could've saved a life.

You know, the Alps
are the highest mountain range

in Europe. Their world ranking,
though? Number 11.

Another five points and
a commanding lead for Vogelson.

Let's join hands.

Oh, spirit world.

We humbly ask you
to bring forward

the spirit of Angelo Santucci.

Or Patrick Swayze.

If the spirit world
is open to this invitation,

reveal unto us a sign.

(siren chirps)

Uh, if this is a sign,
it's a bad one.

All right,
all the monitors check out.

Thanks for coming up here
to help, Baxter.

It's fine with me.
I like this stuff, you know,

I'm a techie guy.

Now, I was worried it was just
because you wanted to prank me,

it being Halloween and all.

Well... I only
prank people I like.

Oh.

Oh, that's right.
So, in that case...

I guess I wasted 20 bucks.

It's hard to tell
which is which.

(laughs)

Hey, hey, Baxter,
I thought we were alone.

There's something
moving down there

and it's coming up the stairs.

Ooh! Didn't we just agree we
weren't gonna prank each other?

-No, no, no, no, no. It's not
a prank. Whatever it is,
-Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

-it's big and it's got
a giant head.
-Whoa.

-Hey, guys, what's up?
-Whoa, whoa.

What are you doing here, Joe?
Everybody else left

to be home with their families
hours ago.

I'm not going home.
I hate Halloween.

-Really? I love it.
-Yeah,

-you know who else loves it?
-Uh, kids?

Satan.
No, I'm serious, okay?

Demon and hellspawn
get to freely roam the earth

one night a year,
and I'm supposed to, what,

open the door
and give them a bonbon?

If you don't want demons
at your door,

don't give 'em the good stuff.

I'm telling you,
Satan hates candy corn.

You know, I hope you're still
laughing when you have

a flaming pitchfork
in your ass, okay?

Look, I'll be in the garage.
I'm working on my car.

Y-You're gonna feel safe
all alone down there?

Oh, yeah, I'm packing.

I got a squirt gun
filled with holy water.

(chuckles)

Phew.

You know, when we said we
weren't gonna prank each other,

we just meant you and I, right?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Joe.

Freeze, demons!

Are you guys insane?
I almost blasted you!

Yeah, we're lucky.
We almost got wet.

Yeah, go ahead, make your jokes,
have your fun.

Hey, we're not here to make fun
of you, Joe. We're here

to tell you something
very important.

What's that?

-We get it, all right?
-Yeah.

We were just
goofing around upstairs

'cause we wanted to make sure
that you were serious

-about what you said
about Halloween.
-And, obviously, you are.

I mean, it's-it's creepy, right?

Worse than creepy, man--
it's dark, it's evil,

it's like voodoo or-or kale.

It's actually the reason
why Chuck and I

-are here tonight.
-Mm-hmm.

I thought you were down here
putting in motion detectors.

Motion detectors? We... I don't
think this is a good idea.

You know, I trust him, and-and
we're gonna need his help.

You're gonna tell him the whole
story? He's not gonna believe

-this whole story. Just...
-I got to try, Mike.

Listen, Joe.

This store was built
on what was, many years ago,

an old insane asylum.

Oh, please, and what was that
called, The Outdoor Loony Bin?

I told you he wasn't gonna
believe this. Never mind, Joe.

-Let's just
handle this ourselves.
-Okay.

All right, okay,
hang on, hang on.

Let's say there's something
to this whole...

nuthouse story.

100 years ago,

on this very night,
on Halloween,

a madman bound with chains
was brought in.

A madman who claimed
to be a prince.

Yeah.

A prince.
And when they asked him,

"What-what country
are you prince of?"

his-his reply was,
"A kingdom is not a country."

'Cause he claimed
to be the prince...

Of darkness?

-The man...
-Or whatever he was.

...was locked in the deepest,
darkest cell of the asylum.

Everyone was terrified to open
that door again, so they didn't.

Ever.

And that door is in the basement
of Outdoor Man.

Every Halloween, Mike and I
close the store early

so we can make sure
that door stays sealed.

Why do you need my help?

Well, according to my demonic
motion detector...

There's an app for that?

Whatever's behind that door

is trying to get out.

VANESSA:
Wow!

Happy Halloween!
Gosh, I love your costumes.

Here, anybody else
want a toothbrush?

Right? No, no, it's candy.
It's... Come on, it's candy.

All right, well, seriously,
brush afterwards.

Oh, my! Wow.

Look at you.
You're very scary.

Can I have extra? The police
blocked off the street

down at the Kirkpatricks' house.

What? No, my grandson's
at a sleepover there.

-Here, take this. I got to go...
-Got you, Grandma!

Aunt Mandy said
you're easy to prank.

I am not easy to prank!

Oh, wait a minute, where's
the bowl? Where's the-the...

Boyd! You!
I know where you live!

Here she comes.

Uh, happy Halloween, Officer.

What are you folks
doing on this property?

Uh, we're having a séance.

You're aware
that you're trespassing?

Actually, uh, we're not.
This is his trailer.

Yeah, it used to belong
to my mom, Judith Anderson.

You may have met her.

She spent a lot of time
with your organization.

Is there a problem, Officer?
I happen to know

a lot about citizens' rights.

I'm a, uh, marijuana dealer.

I'll need to see
everyone's I.D.s.

Oh, funny thing. Uh, we had
to leave our wallets and phones

in Kyle's van,
because apparently,

they "interfere with the
spiritual gateway." (chuckles)

You know what, I'll just run
to the van and get the I.D.s.

If you're talking about the van
on the frontage road,

we just towed it.

It was parked
in front of a hydrant.

That was a hydrant?
It was wearing a witch's hat.

Still a hydrant.

If you don't have I.D.s,
I have to take you all in.

(laughs)
Wait a minute.

This isn't real.

I told Mom that she was
terrible at pranks,

and all of a sudden, we're gonna
be taken in by a "lady cop"?

(laughs)

Mom's totally trying
to up her game.

Yeah. Hey, aren't you
in Mrs. B's book club?

The one who reads the least,
but drinks the most?

-Guys, I think she might
be a real cop.
-I am.

-Yeah, her squad car
certainly looks real.
-It is.

-Are we going for a ride?
-You are.

You're about to be a part
of a whole different book club.

Come on, now.

Oh, the door's already open!

I thought this was
just a storage room.

I didn't realize
it was the gateway to hell.

-You should've
put up a sign or something.
-It can't be obvious,

otherwise his acolytes
would know where to find him.

Oh, yeah,
that makes sense, yeah.

Did you hear that?

It just got colder.

Can you not say it that way,
with the deep voice?

It just makes everything
sound scarier.

Yeah, it's like
we're fighting evil

-with Barry White.
-Yeah.

I've been talking like this
since I was 11.

Early puberty.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Think I'm getting a reading,
right there, right there.
-Okay.

It's hot! W-What do we do,
what do we do, what do we do?

Look, I'm not going
near that door, okay?

I'll see the devil on the day
I die, and-and not a day before.

We have a responsibility.

We're the last line of defense
between this abomination

and the rest of humanity.

Who knows what darkness
lies behind that door?

Joe, you go in.

Didn't you just hear me say...
(stammers) the day I die?

I'll go.
This is the day

I've been training for
my whole life.

Wish me luck.

Chuck.

You're gonna need
more than luck.

You're gonna need this.

Thanks, Joe.

Take it easy, take it easy.
Quiet.

(grunting)

Mike, it's got me!

Oh, my God, he's being dragged
to the bowels of hell!

No, no, we can't...
you can't save him.

-Not today, Satan!
-We got to save ourselves!

(screaming)

(laughing)

We got you, man.

MIKE: Oh, that's great.
Oh, that's a great prank,

man, it's... Oh, it's...
oh, it was just me

trying to scare you, man. Take
it easy, breathe a little bit.

-I got a pain in my arm, man.
-What?

I got a pain in my ar...

Joe, Joe, Joe. I-I... I think
the dude had a heart attack.

-Well, give him CPR.
-He's not even breathing.

-Well, give him mouth-to-mouth.
-I don't want to.

Man, get out of the way.

The man is dying.

Okay, Joe. I got you, man.

You might want
to try a breath mint.

(laughs)

And that is how you do a prank!

-Yeah!
-Yes!

Wh... You... you set me up?

That's right, I set you up
by having you think

we were setting him up.

In your face.

An insane asylum.

How dumb do you
think I am? (laughs)

Apparently not as dumb
as Mike thinks I am.

It's not about which one of you
is dumber, it's how smart I am.

Man, this is low, Baxter,
even for you.

-Oh, when I...
when you go low, I go lower.
-(laughs)

I can't believe
you thought this was funny.

Uh, I didn't. He's my bo...
I-I just went along.

(scoffs) You know what?
I'm leaving, you guys.

-Just enjoy the rest
of your Halloween.
-Oh, come on. (chuckles)

He seemed upset.

Eh, I'd be upset, too--
he almost

kissed an old Italian woman.

Wow, nice costume.

But aren't you a little old
to be trick-or-treating?

Here.

Why does everyone
think this is a costume?

Ma'am, I picked up
four individuals tonight

who were trespassing
in an abandoned trailer.

Mm-hmm.

Does a Kyle Anderson live here?

Oh, I don't know that name.

Then why are you smiling?

I just love Halloween.

Anyway, Mr. Anderson's
in my squad car.

He's the one happily
waving at us.

Says he and his wife live here,
and that the deed to the trailer

is inside, which would prove
they weren't trespassing.

Is this true?

No.

And you can tell whoever's
in that car

that I'm not falling
for their trick.

They must have me mistaken
for someone

who is easy to prank.

Are you sure
you don't know them?

It seems like you do.

(laughs)

I'm sure.
Look, are we done here?

Because it's Halloween,

and I have a lot
of work to do, "Officer."

(laughs)

I hate this holiday.

What do you want, Baxter?

You're not answering
my phone calls, man.

Whatever.
If you came over to apologize,

you're wasting your time.

I'm not wasting my time,
'cause I'm not apologizing.

You're being a big crybaby.
You're sucking all the joy

-out of Halloween.
-(scoffs) You're incredible.

I think I'm pretty
incredible, too.

Took me a week to figure that
out. And it was pretty funny

when you thought
we were pranking Joe.

-That's different.
-Why is that different?

Y-You were willing to let me
think I'd killed a man.

Not killed.
Massive heart attack.

That's a huge thing
to lay on a person, man.

You crossed a line.

Stop being so sensitive.
In a week,

we'll both be laughing at it.
At least, I will be.

Are we good?

I guess I have to be.

-Why do you have to be?
-'Cause you're my boss.

-Oh, stop it.
-Oh, no, no.

Whatever you do,
I just have to take it.

Oh, call HR.

You only got to do
what I got to do.

I mean, we hang out
when we're not at work.

Oh, oh, oh, oh--
so you're-you're saying

we're friends, right?
That-that you like me?

You... y-you shouldn't

put words in people's mouths.

Good-bye, Baxter.

(stammers): W-Wait a minute,
you mean I can't leave here

until I-I, I say
w-what you said?

That's right.

And remember, I'm sensitive.

Okay, you know what,
there's-there's a lot of d-days,

-you come to work...
-Mm-hmm.

...and I like it when
you're there, even though

you don't bring doughnuts.
Right?

So that would prove

that we're f-friend... ly.

Friendly?

All right, we're friends.

Can I go now?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, hang on, hang on.

What level of friends are we?

-No, no, no... Come on.
-No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Are we acquaintance friends,
good friends?

'Cause we're gonna
have to be pretty close

for me to get over this.

-Okay.
-Hmm.

But if I hear you say anything
to anybody about this,

I will kick you
in the Barry Whites.

We...

You're one of my best friends.

Oh. How about that?

-Mike Baxter, man of stone...
-Yeah, yeah.

...is a mushball.
(chuckles)

I didn't think we'd ever
get you to say that.

Wh... W-Why did you say "we"?

Yes!

(laughing)

Yes!

Best prank ever!

And I was the mastermind.

Oh, yeah. Me.
Yeah, in your face.

-Wait a minute. You did this?
-No, we did it.

Last week, I heard you on
the phone with Joe setting up

your fake prank on him, so you
could actually prank Chuck.

So then I called Chuck to set up
this real prank on you.

Yeah, that's right.
That's right.

I am the prank queen!

(laughs)

It was genius, because
what is the scariest thing

to Mike Baxter?

-Human emotion.
-Human emotion.

-Yes!
-(laughs)

-Oh, thank you, thank you,
thank you. Yes, thank you.
-Oh, thank you.

-Yeah, see, I'm not clapping for
you guys, I'm clapping for me.
-CHUCK: What?

'Cause I think this
is a really big deal for me.

-What?
-I did good work here.
I took a great woman--

kind, big-hearted--
added a little evil.

This might be some
of my best work.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no.
You can't take credit for this.

This is mine.

Is it?

What if it isn't done yet?

What do you mean, not done yet?
What does that mean?

Tell her, Chuck.

Tell her what?

Come on.
You can tell her.

-What?
-What do you want
to tell me, Chuck?

(stammers)

I think it's gonna
take a while to sort this out.

I'm gonna go have a cold beer.

Hey.

How long were you and Larabee
yelling at each other?

Shut up, Mike.
I got you good,

-and you can't
take that away from me.
-You're right,

-you did, you did.
-Yes.

You know what
that means, though.

Next year, I'm gonna just...

well, let's just
wait till next year.

Well, you better make it
a good one, because my days

-of falling for pranks are over.
-Is that right?

Yeah, you should've seen the one
the kids tried to pull on me.

-What did the kids
try to pull on you?
-I don't know,

it was a...
something to do with a fake cop.

Tell you in the morning.

Oh, wait-- I do have my I.D.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH