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Episode 1x02 - 'Great Sausage'
or 'Can I Call You Dick?'

Team J&G
teamJG@gmail.com

As Yogi Berra used to say,

when you come to a fork in the road,
take it.

- Stanley, I just heard.
- Me too.

They told you to clear out your desk?
They didn't give you any notice?

Nothing.

- That means there's no art department.
- Gone.

Stanley, call me.
I'll buy you a beer.

Thanks, Mike.

What's that on your neck?

I got a bruise or something?

- Looks like a hickey.
- A hickey? No.

Come on, I'm divorced, Mike.

- Can you see it now?
- Kind of.

- Too bad about Stanley, huh?
- I was just talking to him.

This is bad.
They're cutting everything.

- Think they're gonna lay us off next?
- No, Mike.

Basketball is
more important than art.

You never know.
It's nonessential.

Baloney.
They're not gonna cut sports.

- You have any deodorant?
- Deodorant?

I got some baby powder.

Coach Drecker is needed
in the principal's office.

Coach Drecker.

Tanya, I've left you
three messages already.

Watch it, Landgraf!

Call me back, please. This is serious.
Everybody's getting canned around here.

They're looking for excuses
to fire people.

And I've got a fucking hickey.

Megan.

Rhonda.

Hey, Coach.
Mind closing the door?

Not at all.

Listen, if it's
about the losing streak,

I'm sorry.

I mean...

I've been working my heart out
with these kids.

And sometimes a coach
has to plant seeds

that are gonna be harvested
at a later date.

You know?

Sometimes it's just bad luck.

Timing.

Fate.

It's not about the losing streak.

What's it about then?

It's disturbing when I think about

how the kids look up to you, Ray.

They love you.

You're supposed to be a role model.

Oh, man.

How did things get so fucked up
in only one week?

See? That's all mold and mildew.
The stench is gonna be unbearable.

All this here has got
to be gutted to the bones.

You do the work cheap,
you'll never get rid of that smell.

- So how much?
- I could probably get you done for 30.

- Maybe 25 grand.
- Come on, Brian.

We played ball together, man.

Wolves of '84.

- Give me the wolf pack price.
- 30 is the competitive price.

- You just said 25.
- I said 25 or 30.

Come on, Brian.
Give me a break, man.

You know how much mortgage
I pay on this thing? Plus the penalties.

The wolf pack price... 25.

10% to start, all right?

That's what I kick myself for
the most...

The loan.

See, my parents gave us
this house free and clear.

They bought it
when a view of trees and water

wasn't something you paid
$1 million to get.

Now our turn at bat,
and what do we do?

We get a home equity loan with this deal
I bet my parents never heard of

called adjustable rate mortgage...

Or an A.R.M.

An arm that's now got
its hand around my throat.

Yeah, fuck it.
I'm not blaming anyone.

You're not gonna eat anything?
Sure you don't want some of my sausage?

I don't eat sausage.

And I don't like
corporate chain restaurants.

All right.

You know who's got great sausage?
Home depot.

No kidding.

Okay, Ray.

This is what I've come up with.

It's our concept, our logo.

- What do we need a logo for?
- Could you look at it for a second?

Do you like it?

It's supposed to be spray-painted.
It's not meant to be fine art.

What does this have
to do with happiness?

"Happiness consultant"
is a key component

to our marketing plan.

I might even call it
the secret to our success.

Now our goal is for women
to see happiness

but think great sex.

I don't think that's gonna be hard
'cause for a lot of women

happiness and great sex
are the same thing.

Now do you approve
of this budget right here?

Wardrobe, $800.

Webmaster, website expenses, $1,000.

Viral marketing, $1,500.

Sure, Tanya.
Are you on crack?

Ray, you have to spend money
to make money.

It's my job to have a vision.

I think your job was
to set things up and take 10%.

50%.

That's how these things work.
Ask any musician or hairdresser.

The commission's negotiable. 40%.

Okay, 30.

It's fine, whatever.

The point is we have to think big.

I know we might have
to start with baby steps,

but my goal is for us to be pulling down
a couple thousand dollars a night.

You think I'm that good?

Maybe, if you work
on your technique a little bit.

A little bit.

My technique is fine, Tanya.

All right?

I've been pleasing women
for decades now.

You're not my only screamer.

I'm just saying
that you might need a little training.

In the foreplay department.

That's original.
Tell the man he needs more foreplay.

You ever thought
maybe it's just you?

Maybe you've been reading
too many needy magazines.

Look, I'm sorry.

But what proof do I have
that you're a good pimp, Tanya?

All right, as it so happens,
Ray, I have an in.

- An in?
- An in.

Thank you. I love it.

Lenore, I'm sorry to interrupt.

Are you gonna
get to these changes soon?

'Cause not everybody
is quitting tomorrow.

Shit. I forgot.

You want a piece of cake?

I'm sorry, T-Brain.

Bet you're gonna be glad
to see me go.

No, I'll miss your lively energy.

And I'm gonna miss you, Tanya.
You're one of a kind.

What does that mean,
"one of a kind"?

Well, you never say to yourself
who gives a crap

about this shitty temp job
or if this puke shit gets done.

No, no, that's not true.
No, I say that to myself all the time.

I mean, I don't give a hoot
about S.E.C. compliance.

Then why are you still here?

- T-Brain?
- Don't ask.

She sounds like a bitch.

She's not a bitch, Ray.
I hate that word.

She is the linchpin of our strategy.

Now I ran into her at the mall

and she's a professional
shopper now.

You get paid for that?

Rich women pay her
to pick out their clothes.

It's pretty good.
Clean.

But it's not very complex.
Why don't you try the mocha,

maybe I'll let you have one of
those belts you're so in love with.

So these clients of yours,

whatever you want them to buy
they just buy?

Pretty much.

My ladies are so loaded
they're recession-proof.

You know,

I'm planning
on leaving Wagner & Finch too.

Maybe start a business.

Oh my God,

you're still working there?

I thought you'd be like a social worker
or something by now.

I have an M.F.A., Lenore.

You'll be like another product
she can recommend to her clients.

I haven't talked to her yet,
but I really think she might go for it.

- What do you think?
- I think you're insane.

I think I'm insane.
I think this whole plan is nuts.

I also think I'm broke,

my ex-wife is up my ass

and hell, I want my kids back.

So yeah, what the hell, go for it.

I always wanted to be a product
when I grew up.

All right.

All right, call me later.

"Damn the torpedoes."
Who said it and why?

That's for tomorrow.

- Dad.
- Hey, guys.

- It's bad.
- What's bad?

- It's really bad.
- Yeah, bad like crazy.

Look at her.
Mrs. Gao is putty in her hands.

Mom wants Mrs. Gao
to give Darb a solo.

- So? What's wrong with that?
- She's blackmailing her.

Her and Ronnie raise
like half her budget.

All right, yeah.

Your mom is trying, guys.

She wants to be a part of your lives.
You should be happy she's a booster.

No, I don't deserve a solo, okay?

The world does not need
to be exposed to my voice.

Just calm down, Darby. I hear you.

I think you have a beautiful voice.

Just fix the house, okay?

Yeah, dad.
We want to live with you.

I'm trying. I'm working on it.

Who knew chorus could
be so political?

Lenore, hi. It's Tanya.

T-Brain. Is this a bad time?

What do you want, T-Brain?

Well, remember how I told you
I'm going into business?

What I have is a service to offer.

A service I think some of your clients
might be very interested in.

What are you talking about?
What kind of service?

It's a combination of things.

I'm hoping to make money
and bring something positive

into the world at the same time.

Well, it's a sexual service,
actually.

You're a prostitute?

No, Lenore. I'm not a prostitute.

I'm a pimp.

What?

- You're shitting me.
- I know, it's shocking, right?

You pimp men?

But seriously, Lenore,
we are a high-end service

and I'm willing to offer your clients
a significant discount.

I don't know, Tanya.

I don't recommend
anything to my clients

that I don't know intimately myself.

Get what I'm saying?

Like if I recommend
a pair of Miu Miu shoes,

it's because I have
10 pairs of Miu Miu shoes

and I know how they wear.
See what I'm getting at?

You're saying you want to try...

Yeah, I want to try
one of your guys.

And then we can discuss.

Of course that's assuming
he's cute and he can fuck.

Oh, he can.

This particular guy
I'm thinking of for you

is really quite...
He's very well endowed.

Terrific. Good cock is hard to find.

Plus I do know
a lot of horny ladies with cash.

Perfect. That's great.

So he'll do me for free?

We don't really do that.

But, Lenore, I would be willing
to make it pay what you will.

I'm sure you'll be happy to pay.

And with a discount, of course.

All right, I'll try him.
And if I like him I'll recommend him.

By the way, what does he do?
Will he lick my ass?

Can I get back to you on that?

Isn't this nice?

Spumoni. Just like old times.

When Ronnie isn't working
he can join us too.

You guys still don't like Ronnie.

He's fine, mom.
Peace.

Am I the problem then?
Is it me?

Guys, let's talk about it openly.

We don't feel close.
You'd rather live with your father.

Lately I get the vibe
that you guys...

Well, quite frankly,
that you guys don't love me anymore.

- Are you mad at me?
- No, mom.

Are you mad about the solo, Darb?
I want you to be the best you can be.

I'm not mad.

Are you mad that I fell in love
with Ronnie?

We're not mad at you.

We just want to eat ice cream.

When you grow up you'll understand.

But regardless of all that...

I am still your mother
and I am not gonna give up on us.

What does that mean exactly?

It means we're gonna spend
more time together.

We're gonna rediscover one another,

say nice things, do nice deeds.

For example, have I told you
how much I love your skulls, Damon?

The shape.

The black and white.
The craftsmanship.

I love them. I do.

Thanks.

Oh God.

Try again.

Be normal.

Come on in.

- Would you like something to drink?
- No thanks.

Say yes, Ray.
It's better if you say yes.

But all my glasses are dirty,

so let's pretend
that you made it to the couch...

- And here in a cool relaxed way.
- Couch.

I hate suits.

It looks good.

I don't wear this shit.

I feel like a fricking
mortgage broker.

You're not you.
You're whoever they want you to be.

- Why can't they just fuck me for me?
- Will you sit down, please?

Do what comes natural.

Oh my god!
God, Ray, no.

Now that makes me nervous.

Women are not poultry.
You can't just grab.

- That wasn't a grab.
- That was a little sudden.

How do I make you feel relaxed?

Start with a compliment.

Women are a little insecure,

so tell her she looks good.

But make it sound sincere.

Is it that hard, Ray, to come up
with a compliment for a woman?

I find you very pretty.

I really appreciate a woman

who knows how to dress herself

well like you do

with such elegance and grace.

Okay okay, you get the idea.

So now...

why don't you ask my permission
to kiss me?

- Why?
- So you can kiss me.

We're not gonna practice that.

It's a crucial aspect
of the female sexual experience.

Let's not go there, okay?
We have a business.

Okay, you're right.
You're right.

Okay, but we have to deal
with this leaving-right-after-sex thing.

- Why? What's wrong with that?
- Women hate it.

What am I supposed to do?
Lie there for hours?

No, you don't need
to lie there for hours.

But you do need
to make her feel like

you're not just lying there thinking,
"I can't wait to race home."

All right?

By the way,

what are your dos and don'ts?

You know, what is the line
that you won't cross?

I don't know, Tanya.

All my lines are pretty blurry
right now.

I'm a normal guy, you know?

I'll do normal things.
Market me that way.

What's normal?

Maybe I'm just a bad person.

Knock it off, Jess.
You're fantastic.

I obsess over trivial things.

I didn't keep my marriage vows.

I'm moody.

I don't give enough to charity.

There's so many people in need
and I never give them anything.

Honey, come on.
Relax. You give plenty to the poor.

Don't cram those
in the drawer like that.

Would you just fold
the napkins first?

Okay, but just because they're wrong
does not mean my fault.

You make me lose my mind.
Whose fault is it?

- Who's fault is it then?
- Honey, still.

She makes me lose my mind.

You numbed up?

Stick, tiny burn.

Stick, tiny burn.

I just feel...

I don't know, unrealized.

I think I thought
when we got the kids that I'd...

- I have so much love to give.
- Then give it to me.

I do, but I wanna give it
to the kids.

- Then give it to the kids.
- They don't want it!

Honey, that's their loss.

Are we doing crow's feet?

Not bad.

- Where'd you get that suit, though?
- Somebody bought it for me.

Let's see.

J.T. Warehouse,
going-out-of-business sale, 75% off.

I'm not sure.

I am.

Come on, handsome.

So...

How do you like to begin?

You want to smoke some pot?

- Maybe later.
- Do you mind if I do?

Smells terrific, doesn't it?

- You seem nervous. Are you all right?
- No, I'm cool.

Do you want to dance for me?

I don't really dance.

What do you do then?

You're very pretty.

Who told you to say that?

Listen, I'm not a romantic.

I think like a man.

I want to cut the bullshit
and get to the fucking.

I just need to know your name so I know
what to scream when you're banging me.

Richard.

Can I call you... Dick?

You can.

I hear you've got a big one.

You want to find out?

Yeah, I do.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- Put your hands on my ass.
- What?

Put your hands on my ass.

Yeah, but grab it.
Really grab my ass and squeeze it.

But don't hurt me.

Okay, that's nice.

Now let's kiss again.

- I want to see your pecs.
- My what?

It started out pretty good.

Flex.

Flex again.

But she gave more orders
than a four-star general.

Lick my tummy.

Lick it.

Flex, lick, lay down,

sit up, stand,

faster, slower,
grind left, grind right.

Good thing I was an athlete.

Grand slam.

I told myself i'd wait 10 minutes.

Shit!

Fucking hell.

Where's my wallet?

Oh, Dick, can you get me some water?

I've got to go.

Where is it?
You put it somewhere?

I'm still stoned, babe.
Go talk to the maid, okay?

What maid?

Tanya, you got to call me back.
Right away.

I've got to leave.
I can't find my shirt.

I can't find my underwear.
I can't find my wallet.

I've got to be in class,
there's no friggin' maid.

And I think your friend
might have stole my stuff.

I've already had two
parent complaints, Ray.

I don't want a lawsuit on my hands.

What are they complaining about?

Because I don't know
what you think you've heard,

Rhonda, but...

I love these kids.

It's not that you said the word shit.
It was the centerpiece of your speech.

What?

These kids do not need
their lives compared to

"bugs carrying balls of dung."

I mean, I'm a basketball coach.
I'm not a librarian.

But okay.

You...

- No more cursing.
- Well, thank you, Ray.

So we're good?
You're not gonna give me the ax?

Is that a hickey on your neck?

Where am I gonna get a hickey from?
I'm divorced.

You didn't start it, right?

Look, I would have called you earlier,
but I've been drowning in paper.

There's a crisis.
The whole law firm is freaking out.

I know I should be more like Lenore
and not care, but I can't let it go.

Some bank has gone belly up.
I don't know.

I just make sure all the words
are spelled correctly when it does.

Anyway,
don't worry about the wallet.

- How was it?
- Don't worry?

She has my identity, Tanya.
She could post my name on the Internet.

Paranoia will destroy you, Ray.

Lenore does not want your wallet.

We don't know what she wants.
You barely even know this woman.

I'm sure it's just
a weird misunderstanding.

I will get your wallet back.

Now will you let it go
and tell me how it was?

- It was okay.
- Okay?

Can you use more adjectives?

Fine, it was exhausting, irritating,

emasculating, never-ending
and vaguely pleasant.

Vaguely pleasant?

So it was good?

If you get my wallet back
it was good.

It worked? Oh my god.

Congratulations, happiness consultant.
Oh my god.

Should we go celebrate?

I'm about to go teach
first period, Tanya.

Yeah, I know, I know.

I'm kidding.

Oh my god, I hate this job.

Let's make $1 million, Ray.

Yeah, sure. I'm game.