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1
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MAN: Let's call American Express.
You lost your card,
2
00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:25,775
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
3
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:26,943
and you don't know what
the number of it is.
4
00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,237
GEORGE: That's a great one.
MAN: Do the old lady.
5
00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,531
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I lost my card.
6
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,657
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
7
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,617
WOMAN: Your... Your accent
went in and out on you sometimes.
8
00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:35,868
GEORGE: I went southern and then...
9
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,745
(ON PHONE) American Express.
I'm Danille, how may I help you?
10
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,872
GEORGE: (lMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I certainly need some assistance.
11
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,500
I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy,
12
00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:48,256
but I'm very shook up.
I got my American Express card stolen.
13
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:50,341
WOMAN: Okay, can I have your
last name, please?
14
00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:51,343
GEORGE: Yes.
15
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,387
- What's your last name?
- Right.
16
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,265
Okay, can you give me your name
so I can look up your account?
17
00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:59,809
- Yes. Helen.
- What's your last name, please?
18
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,019
Easafawn.
19
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:02,979
What?
20
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:04,105
(WOMAN SNICKERS)
21
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:07,066
Helen Easafawn.
22
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,611
E-A
23
00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:14,992
S-A-fawn.
24
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,411
(ON PHONE) Jerry's Famous Deli.
This is Cindy. May I help you?
25
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,999
Hi. I have no legs.
May I speak to the manager?
26
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,166
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
27
00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,085
(MAN LAUGHING)
28
00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:30,590
Now, if I get a bill
and it's something, like, for...
29
00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,092
(STUTTERING)
30
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,262
(ALL SNICKER)
31
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:40,684
But two times in a row
I eat the damn roast beef and I'm...
32
00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,438
I can't stop going to the bathroom!
33
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,190
MAN: Well, I'm sorry,
but there's nothing I can do for you.
34
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:49,401
MAN: Ma?
35
00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:53,988
- And my son thinks I'm crazy.
- Ma, who you calling?
36
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,198
It's Jerry's.
And don't tell me not to call them.
37
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,367
Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone!
38
00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,454
- Don't talk to me that way!
- Get off the fucking phone!
39
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,873
- What's going on?
- MAN: Same thing as the last time.
40
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,249
Did she... What'd she call you about?
41
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,542
- The roast beef?
- Yes.
42
00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,586
All right, she just puked in the kitchen.
43
00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:11,047
That's all right.
I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef
44
00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,924
if it doesn't agree with her.
45
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,344
(WOMAN SNICKERING)
46
00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:22,433
I... l appreciate your suggestions,
but I love roast beef.
47
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,935
It's delicious!
48
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:29,441
- MAN: Go clean up the mess!
- (CRYING) I can't. Get off of me!
49
00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:31,442
You son of a bitch!
50
00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:32,778
(ALL SNICKERING)
51
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,945
(DIAL TONE BEEPING)
52
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,782
(ALL LAUGHING)
53
00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,115
George?
54
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,416
- GIRL: Hi, Mr Simmons.
- Ladies.
55
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,920
George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture?
56
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,005
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready?
All right, hit me, baby, all right.
57
00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,800
Get a little tittie in there. Come on.
58
00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:38,467
- How are you?
- You're really funny.
59
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,094
Thank you. You're funnier.
60
00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:41,888
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY)
61
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,014
- Hello.
- Hi!
62
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,641
- Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
- Hey, what's up?
63
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,060
GEORGE: Hey. How are you?
64
00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:02,700
- Hey, handsome.
- Doctor.
65
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,827
- How are you, kid?
- How are you, baby?
66
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:05,829
(DR STEVENS CLEARS THROAT)
67
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:10,583
GEORGE: The Lunestas are working, baby.
Those are smooth. No hangover.
68
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:15,337
Fall asleep, bam. Fucking
what was the deal with the Restorils?
69
00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:19,049
Why did you give me those?
You trying to fuck with me or something?
70
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:22,762
George, we got the results back
from the follow-up of your blood count
71
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,473
and it's not what we hoped for.
72
00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:29,226
As I mentioned earlier,
the CBC was abnormal.
73
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:34,106
Your white blood cells were four times
the size that they should be.
74
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:37,985
And very low haemoglobin,
seven grams per decilitre.
75
00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,154
I don't understand
what you're saying right now.
76
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:42,616
Can you speak how people speak?
77
00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:46,243
You have a very serious disease.
It's called AML.
78
00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:51,081
It's a form of leukaemia
and I can't predict how this will play out,
79
00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:54,628
but I feel you have
a rough road ahead of you.
80
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,761
- That's George Simmons, right here.
- George! George! George Simmons!
81
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,263
Hey, man! How, how you doing, man?
I'm a big fan of yours.
82
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,849
(INAUDIBLE)
83
00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:30,454
I'm sorry to say we're past the point
where traditional structures
84
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:34,125
like chemotherapy and radiation
would be effective at all.
85
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,839
DR STEVENS: And I think it's best for us
to pursue an experimental course.
86
00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:45,803
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales.
87
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,180
- Thanks for shopping at Otto's.
- Yo, Chuck,
88
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,057
I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club
doing stand-up.
89
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:53,812
- You should come watch me.
- Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny.
90
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,647
Nah, he's right, man. No way, man.
That shit was painful.
91
00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,732
I mean, it was hard
watching you suffer up there.
92
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,484
I had fucking nightmares after that.
93
00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:02,027
That was a long time ago.
That was months ago.
94
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,530
- I've gotten a lot funnier since then.
- Then you bored my wife to sleep.
95
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:08,576
- I couldn't get no pussy that night, man.
- Don't blame me for your pussy issues.
96
00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,160
- Are they gonna pay you?
- Pay me? No!
97
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:12,162
That's just how it starts.
You don't get paid in the beginning.
98
00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:14,249
You gotta, you know,
work your way up through the ranks.
99
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,333
My nigger,
how the fuck you in show business
100
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,835
when you got no business to show?
101
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,504
I'm supposed to be writing jokes.
I'm supposed to be doing comedy.
102
00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,798
I'm not supposed to be
making macaroni salad.
103
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,593
I hate it, man. It's depressing.
Otto's sucks!
104
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,803
You don't know about no
motherfucking hard time, man.
105
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,098
I'm a ex-convict, man.
Otto's the only place that would hire me.
106
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,392
- You too good for Otto's now?
- I'm not too good for it.
107
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,728
I just don't...
It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry.
108
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,814
- See that bridge? 1,200 bucks.
- Okay.
109
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,609
On the house, man! Otto, man!
Otto's my lotto.
110
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,236
Come on, man, look.
I can't work here any more, all right?
111
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,030
What, you gonna be on TV
or some shit like that?
112
00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,032
- I am gonna be on TV.
- The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit?
113
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:51,244
- No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld.
- Get the fuck out of here, man!
114
00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,872
You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld.
Seinfeld's my motherfucking man!
115
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,248
Now Kramer,
116
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:59,043
Kramer gets a pass from me
'cause Kramer's my nigger.
117
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:01,211
Well, very forgiving of you.
118
00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,380
Look, as a friend, man,
let me tell you something.
119
00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,548
You're not funny.
120
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:07,468
I mean, you look funny, but you're
not funny, man. That shit is sad.
121
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,304
But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man.
For real, if I had some dough, I would go.
122
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:13,432
- I'll pay your cover charge.
- That's the night I take my wife out also,
123
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,225
so you gotta pay for my bitch, too.
124
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,603
Okay, I'll do it. Okay.
If you come and laugh. Laugh loud.
125
00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:18,729
(LAUGHS)
126
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,855
- Like that?
- That's good. Perfect.
127
00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,982
- I'll see you Saturday then.
- Okay, good. Thank you.
128
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,360
Craig, listen to me.
I'm doing the best I can, okay?
129
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:29,031
I wiped your ass our entire childhood.
Now it's your turn, buddy!
130
00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,325
Well, you're the one that asked the wizard
to make you young again.
131
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,035
didn't mean this young!
132
00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,328
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
133
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:37,998
Last time I had a suit on, at my barmitzvah.
My barmitzvah, it was the last...
134
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,750
And now I got the same suit.
It's the same suit.
135
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:43,170
I think it looks good.
The barmitzvah was a good day in my life.
136
00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,381
I made more money that day
than I think I'll ever make again.
137
00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,507
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
138
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,927
You know, it's really sad.
To peak at 13 is a weird feeling.
139
00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,178
MAN: This is indicative of the kind of...
140
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,680
GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that!
141
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:56,016
Both those girls just go,
"That's the guy from MTV."
142
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,686
I swear on my life, those two girls,
they were just going,
143
00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,230
"That's the guy."
It's the second time it happened.
144
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:05,609
I got off a... l got off,
I got off the bus, and...
145
00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,487
I mean, the train. I'm walking out...
146
00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:46,567
Me and Ann traded shifts.
My family's in from Green Bay.
147
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,611
You know, come to see
how their daughter's doing in the big city.
148
00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,530
You know, wait,
you went to school here, right?
149
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,866
(PHONE RINGING)
150
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:58,454
- LAURA: Hello?
- Hey, Laura, it's George.
151
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:02,083
How's the northern side
of California going?
152
00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,669
What do you want, George?
153
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:10,508
I was wondering if you had a few minutes.
I wanted to talk to you about something.
154
00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:15,554
Actually, I don't.
I was just walking out the door.
155
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,641
Is it okay if I get your number
and I'll give you a call back later?
156
00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,435
I know I'm not supposed to call you.
157
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,897
I just wanted to let you know that,
158
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,735
that I really am so sorry about everything.
159
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,864
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
160
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,909
Too bad you didn't realise that
back then, but
161
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:40,163
anyway, I gotta go.
Do you want me to call you back?
162
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:44,084
No, you don't have to call me back.
I know you're not going to,
163
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,711
but I just wanted to let you know
I was sorry one more time.
164
00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,714
Okay. Well, all right.
Okay, good luck, George.
165
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:51,758
Okay.
166
00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:56,221
(CLEARS THROAT)
167
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,389
I was thinking of doing this thing
where, like,
168
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,016
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
169
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,518
I'm kind of, like,
right in the middle, you know.
170
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:06,230
Like... Like, if I had a good personality,
I could get any chick in the world,
171
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,232
- but I don't.
- Yeah, it doesn't work.
172
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,984
I auditioned for Budd Friedman
at the Improv.
173
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,988
- He okayed me and made me a regular.
- Budd won't even look me in the eye.
174
00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:17,282
Man, that's...
Good for you, man. Congratulations.
175
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,243
You shouldn't have lost
all that weight, man.
176
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,911
There's nothing funny
about a physically-fit man.
177
00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,788
- I know. It's lame, right?
- Yeah.
178
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,790
No one wants to watch
Lance Armstrong do comedy.
179
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,293
- (SIGHING) Oh, God.
- Hey, Ira.
180
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,671
Hey, Mark. Can you do me a favour
and never leave a paycheck
181
00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:33,257
from your shit sitcom
on my pillow ever again, please?
182
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,468
(SIGHS) That is so rude of me
to accidentally leave my paycheck
183
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:40,305
for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry.
184
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,808
- It's a dick move.
- It's just, they keep coming,
185
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,143
you know, week after week.
186
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,270
It's getting a little bit hard
to keep track of them all.
187
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,896
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous
188
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,606
has really turned you into an asshole.
189
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:53,819
Now listen, I'd love to stay here
and chat with you, but we have company.
190
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,113
You know that girl comedian
who lives across the street?
191
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,823
The one with the dark hair and the bangs?
192
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:58,991
- Daisy, yeah.
- Daisy, right.
193
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,327
Well, I bumped into her outside
and I invited her in,
194
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,997
and she's sitting
in our living room right now.
195
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,373
She's out there right now?
196
00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:09,334
She's hot and she's mousy,
but kind of like...
197
00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,753
She's mousy like a mouse
you want to stick your dick in.
198
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,755
Yeah, you've gotta get out there
and talk to her.
199
00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:16,258
- Why would you do that?
- What do you mean, why would I do that?
200
00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:18,594
- I'm trying to hook you up.
- Well, I'm laying groundwork, man.
201
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,637
I got a three-month plan.
You can't just throw me into this.
202
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,848
I'll give you 10 days
on your three-month plan.
203
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,516
No, I need 80 more days than that!
204
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:28,687
Okay, I do this because I care about you.
I do this to motivate you.
205
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:32,649
But I will fuck that girl in 10 days.
I promise.
206
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,401
Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you.
207
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:37,821
I don't look like Jackson Browne.
I look like Jon Favreau!
208
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,365
Don't do this to me.
Don't make me fuck her.
209
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,742
Well, then just don't fuck her!
210
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,203
Don't you put me in this corner
where I have to fuck my way out.
211
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:47,206
He'll do it, too. He'll do it.
I've seen him do this before.
212
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,168
I'm gonna go out there and warm her up.
I'll see you out there.
213
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,002
- Kanye.
- Kanye!
214
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,170
- No. Tl.
- Tl.
215
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,713
- Lil Weezy.
- It's all about Common.
216
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,340
- Eminem.
- MARK: But do you guys know
217
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,551
who the greatest rapper of all time is?
218
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,721
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
219
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,889
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
220
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:07,309
I know it's silly, but it's fun.
You know, people like it.
221
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,560
- Yeah.
- You know?
222
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,146
It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean...
223
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,024
I can't believe you
haven't seen this before.
224
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,652
Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me.
225
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:20,572
Is it on a kids channel? WB?
A teen channel or something?
226
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,741
MARK: No. It's on NBC.
DAISY: Really?
227
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,618
Ira, this is Daisy.
228
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,953
- Daisy, Ira.
- Hi.
229
00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,079
- How are you? How's it going?
- Good.
230
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,082
- Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't...
- Oh!
231
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,916
Air shake.
232
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,459
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
233
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,003
I've actually seen you do comedy
at the Improv a couple times.
234
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,089
Yeah, you're really...
You're really, really funny.
235
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,258
Oh, thanks.
236
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,177
You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds.
237
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:45,139
- Oh, congratulations.
- Yes, I did. All from my cock.
238
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,308
Um... So...
239
00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:52,437
So, this episode right here
is actually a two-parter.
240
00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:56,024
Great, so does that mean
we're gonna watch both parts right now?
241
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,442
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
242
00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,237
- You need some help with that, Ira?
- No! No, it's...
243
00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,323
It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
244
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:03,908
Mmm.
245
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,035
(SLURPING)
246
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,789
I'm joking. I'll get a rag.
247
00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,207
See you in nine days, Ira!
248
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,126
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
249
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:14,626
RANDY: I went to a place recently
250
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,629
I'm convinced
is the most fucked up, crazy place
251
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:23,218
I've ever been to. It's a little
place called Cold Stone Creamery.
252
00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,803
Now, the thing at Cold Stone is...
253
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,431
I can't believe this is what people like.
254
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:33,980
The sizes are"like it, ""love it"and "gotta have it!"
255
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,316
What kind of crackhead terminology is that?
256
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,569
"What size you want, man?"
"I don't know, man, just gotta have it!
257
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,988
"Put some ice cream in a cup
with some sprinkles!
258
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,824
"Put your dick in a Butterfinger
and fuck it for me, please!
259
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,328
"Put it in the cup! I need it!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
260
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,039
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
261
00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,166
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!"
262
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,128
(SINGING) That's how it's done, son!That's how it's done, son!
263
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,923
Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy.
Is it always that wild on a Wednesday?
264
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,675
No, they were...
They seem pretty good out there.
265
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:07,471
I'm really stepping up my game. These
bitches gotta start paying me for this.
266
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,974
Can't get no more free Randy.
I just fucked that crowd in the ass.
267
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:14,102
- Yeah.
- Just awesome. Just fucking bam!
268
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:18,274
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me...
My stand-up's my dick.
269
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,484
(EXCLAIMING)
270
00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,278
- You know?
- I'm gonna do the same thing.
271
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:27,074
Bullshit! Let's get some
M&M's and chips going.
272
00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,409
- Yellow!
- MAN: lra!
273
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:32,246
Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up,
so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo.
274
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,582
Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah.
275
00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,584
(MOCKING) "Yeah, thanks, yeah."
276
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,169
(SCOFFS)
277
00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,092
The other night, I heard
my balls and my dick talking.
278
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,469
And my balls were like,
279
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,303
"Are you okay?
280
00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,847
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
281
00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,767
"Is he hurting you?"
282
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:57,814
And my dick's like, "You don't know him
like I do. He's a great guy. He loves me."
283
00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,941
There's always one guy that laughs
way too hard in the...
284
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:04,945
Hey. George Simmons just showed up.
He wants to go on, so you are bumped.
285
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,614
- Okay, how long does he do?
- How the fuck should I know?
286
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,324
He hasn't been here in five years,
but you gotta be ready.
287
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,450
- Okay.
- Okay.
288
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,828
LEO: Thank you, guys!
It's really nice to be here!
289
00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,413
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
290
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,206
- See that? I fucking killed out there.
- Yeah, that was good.
291
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:17,582
- Watch out, Leo, watch out.
- All my new shit worked.
292
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,708
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
293
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,460
I was supposed to go on after you.
George Simmons showed up.
294
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,920
Now I'm gonna go on after him.
295
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,547
- George Simmons is going up right now?
- Yeah.
296
00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,299
- I just opened for George Simmons?
- (SIGHS) Yeah.
297
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,718
That's fucking awesome, man!
298
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,386
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
299
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,180
Yeah!
300
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,016
All right!
301
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:40,355
Yeah, all right, I'm scared.
I'm scared for all of you guys.
302
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:44,277
You need me! You need me.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
303
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:49,322
Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple.
304
00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,991
You just look at each other and say...
305
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,577
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
306
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,328
Everyone's laughing.
307
00:15:55,329 --> 00:16:00,000
Anyways, I have no religion.
My parents did not believe in God.
308
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,710
That was great. They passed that along.
309
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:05,672
I didn't even have a fucking choice.They were like, "Nope, don't do it."
310
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:08,175
"Really? So, when Grandpa dies
he goes to heaven?"
311
00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,719
"Nope, he'll be in the ground."
312
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,013
"Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now?'Cause l...
313
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,848
"There's no way
I'll have a nightmare tonight."
314
00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:17,935
(EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you.
I don't believe in nightmares, either.
315
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,729
"Fags have nightmares.
316
00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:24,900
"If there was a God, why would
there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
317
00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,985
- "Pleasant dreams."
- Simmons is getting a little dark.
318
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,111
What is he doing?
319
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,113
(EXHALES)
320
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,742
(SOFTLY) When you hear
the waitress's footsteps
321
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:37,914
that's when you know you're not doing well.
322
00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:40,875
(SIGHS)
323
00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,753
Oh, boy, it's quiet in here.
324
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,549
You hear that?
325
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,471
I think I can hear the freeway.
326
00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,766
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
327
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:03,063
I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking.
I'm kind of right in the middle.
328
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:07,567
So, like, if I had a good personality, that
might make it so girls really liked me,
329
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,529
but I don't. So...
330
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,489
Um... Uh...
331
00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:15,576
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
332
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:17,703
Now what do we do?
333
00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,289
He seems unhappy with his money.
Give it to me, I'll...
334
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,834
I could really spend that.
335
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,836
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
336
00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,129
If he's depressed with his life,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
337
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,299
I live on my friend's pull-out couch.
338
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,593
So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that?
339
00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:37,013
Yeah, George Simmons
just shot himself in the face backstage.
340
00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:39,308
It's sad knowing merman's crying inside.
341
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:40,685
Uh-oh!
342
00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,478
Is he organising a mass suicide?
Is that where you're going?
343
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,146
Are you joining him?
344
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,692
Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it.
345
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:52,112
Don't worry, the next guy who's coming outhas a dove hidden up his asshole, so...
346
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,281
And then Robin Williams
is gonna slit his wrists out here.
347
00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,616
So, that's nice, also.
348
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,286
I am Ira Wright, everybody.
Thank you, very much. Have a good night.
349
00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,830
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
350
00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,583
(SIGHS)
351
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,960
Give me a break.
352
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,176
Yo! Hey! Hey!
353
00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,349
This fucking guy.
354
00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,685
What's up?
355
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:26,689
Hey. I'm sorry.
356
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,817
I'm parked right on the other side of you
and I can't get in.
357
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,361
What, you come here
to make some jokes to my face now?
358
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:34,863
You're hard to follow.
I didn't know what to say.
359
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,198
- I'm sorry about that.
- No, don't be.
360
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:39,035
I would've done the same.
You had to comment on it.
361
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,662
Yeah, you had some funny shit.
362
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,749
- You're a good writer.
- Thank you.
363
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,003
Your friend... Is that your friend?
The fatter version of you?
364
00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:52,339
He's my roommate. Yeah, he's really funny.
365
00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,759
You got good stuff.
You're gonna be all right.
366
00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,344
Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man.
367
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,970
That's so... I appreciate it. Hey!
368
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,348
You know, well, I've been
a really big fan of yours. All of us.
369
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,892
We kind of grew up on your shit and,
you know, incidentally.
370
00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,354
So, that's so nice of you
to say, man. Thanks.
371
00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,106
Thank you!
372
00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,566
Nice to meet you, man!
373
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:12,692
(ENGINE REVVING)
374
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,779
You're gonna die!
375
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,325
And I'm gonna kill you!
376
00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:20,785
(LAUGHING)
377
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,411
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
378
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,955
Man, that was awesome.
379
00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,792
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
380
00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:36,926
LEO: Cats.
381
00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,470
- Can you dig it?
- Mmm-hmm.
382
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,305
Just a bunch of cats.
383
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,391
Then me doing stuff.
384
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,018
Then back to the cats doing stuff.
385
00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:50,230
You've gotten 700,000 hits
in four days from this?
386
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:54,192
Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title
of your YouTube video,
387
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,735
- you're gonna get a million hits.
- Mmm-hmm.
388
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,404
And then I link that to my website
389
00:19:57,405 --> 00:20:00,031
and you can see my stand-up on my website.
It's genius.
390
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:03,118
Why don't you just call it like,
"Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
391
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,578
And then more people would google that.
392
00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,748
Hi. I've got two girls coming over here
in a little bit.
393
00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,292
Can you fold up your bed, please,
into the couch?
394
00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,336
I don't want the place to look like a mess
when they get here.
395
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,671
Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing.
396
00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:15,797
(PHONE RINGING)
397
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,174
MARK: All right? Okay.
398
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:20,553
Hello?
399
00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,638
Hey, this is George Simmons.
400
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,180
(LAUGHS)
401
00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:26,349
Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man?
402
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,353
It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig.
It's George Simmons.
403
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:31,813
Oh!
404
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:34,733
I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man?
405
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,819
Hey, hey, good job last night.
You guys were pretty funny.
406
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,740
You and the triple-XL version of you.
407
00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:45,243
Oh, yeah. Thank... Thank you.
That's... I... Well, I appreciate that.
408
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,288
You guys are all right. Good job. l...
409
00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:51,167
I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace
410
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,961
and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit.
411
00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,548
I was thinking maybe you guys
would want to write me some.
412
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:04,763
You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but
I'm... I've got nothing going on, man.
413
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:08,100
I would... I'd love to do that.
Sure. Totally. I'm in.
414
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,769
What kind of jokes do you need?
415
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:13,396
Just shit about them or computers
or whatever they like.
416
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,442
When you sprinkle a little lemon there,
they get excited, you know.
417
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,568
That's no problem. That makes sense.
418
00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,945
So, you want to be held accountable,
come watch me do them tomorrow?
419
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,489
- I'll take you to the gig.
- Okay, cool, yeah.
420
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:25,117
How should I... How should I...
How should I get them to you?
421
00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:28,870
I can give you my fax number and my e-mail.
422
00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:32,373
- What's your e-mail?
- My e-mail?
423
00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:38,589
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
424
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,510
Wow. I'm just...
I'm starting to reconsider asking you.
425
00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,970
Don't do that. It's from high school.
It was funny then.
426
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,388
Yeah, you should change it.
427
00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,224
It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will.
428
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:52,686
- I mean change it now.
- Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP.
429
00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:55,563
Okay, don't say "ASAP," either.
430
00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:59,526
And don't say "I'm chilling"
or "It's all good" or any of that stuff.
431
00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:02,654
Okay, I don't.
I don't chill anyway, so I won't.
432
00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:04,948
And it's not all good, so don't worry.
433
00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:06,574
- Okay, Ira.
- Okay.
434
00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,409
All right, Ira.
435
00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,411
(lRA LAUGHING)
436
00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:15,375
Guys, that was
George Simmons on the phone.
437
00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:16,876
He saw me do stand-up.
438
00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:19,337
He thinks I'm funny!
He wants me to write jokes for him!
439
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,798
- What?
- Yep!
440
00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:24,008
- Why?
- Why? He thinks I'm funny!
441
00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,595
- This doesn't make any sense at all.
- No?
442
00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,764
Jeez, I gotta get started.
443
00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:32,309
- What is happening?
- You forgot about the bed!
444
00:22:34,937 --> 00:22:40,149
Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds. Nerds...
Nerds have no friends in real life.
445
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:43,736
The more friends on MySpace,
the less friends you have in real life.
446
00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,780
"How does the softball team
at MySpace work?
447
00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:48,700
"Does everyone get picked last?"
That could be funny.
448
00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,244
At some point, you should have
George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
449
00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:52,830
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
450
00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,289
(BOTH LAUGH)
451
00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:58,167
So, like, that's funny.
All right, tell George I wrote that, okay?
452
00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,335
- Totally. Totally, man.
- You gotta be like,
453
00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:00,921
- "Leo wrote that."
- Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
454
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:14,685
(CAR HONKS)
455
00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,520
Hey, Ira, I think this is him!
456
00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:20,398
(CHUCKLES)
457
00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:23,318
- He's got a limo!
- Can we go out and meet him?
458
00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:26,571
No, no, no. You can't say hi to him.
Just let me get in with him a little more
459
00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:27,947
before I introduce people to him.
460
00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:29,449
Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right?
461
00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,659
Stars hate it
when you kiss their ass too hard.
462
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,578
- I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard.
- You do?
463
00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:34,996
You hate it when people
kiss your ass too hard?
464
00:23:34,997 --> 00:23:36,248
I hate it.
465
00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:48,468
- Man!
- Hey. I feel like we're going to prom.
466
00:23:48,469 --> 00:23:51,972
Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it!
467
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,642
This is good. I like this one
468
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:59,479
about the guy from MySpace and the guy
from Craigslist getting into a fight.
469
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:00,730
That's funny.
470
00:24:00,731 --> 00:24:02,231
You're excited.
471
00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,525
- I am excited.
- Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited.
472
00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:08,030
- I used to be excited.
- Well, it's awesome. It's exciting.
473
00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,532
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
474
00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:13,369
(EXCLAIMS)
475
00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:15,495
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
476
00:24:15,496 --> 00:24:16,497
Wow!
477
00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:26,382
GEORGE: Thank you!
478
00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:38,227
Yeah!
479
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,355
Brought the nice legs with you. Good job.
480
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,107
- Hello, hello.
- Good to see you, sir.
481
00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:45,441
- Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.
482
00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:46,567
- The name's Dave.
- Hi, Dave.
483
00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:49,028
We may hit a few bumps up there,
nothing too crazy. We'll get you there.
484
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,154
- Okay, cool!
- All right.
485
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,156
- Hope you enjoy Chinese food.
- I love it!
486
00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,034
- Very good. Enjoy your flight.
- Thank you.
487
00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:55,911
Wow!
488
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,251
You guys were a little late,
so we had to put up James Taylor first.
489
00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:06,295
(SINGING) Karen, she's a silver sun.
490
00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:09,842
You'd best walk her way and watch it shine.
491
00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:14,388
Watch her watch the morning come.
492
00:25:16,974 --> 00:25:23,605
A silver tear appearing now
that I'm cryin', ain't!
493
00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:28,651
I'm going to Carolina in my mind.
494
00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,195
- How'd you guys get him?
- Everybody's got their price.
495
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:33,699
Last year, we had Roger Waters
doing Dark Side of the Moon.
496
00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:37,369
That love's the finest thing around...
497
00:25:37,828 --> 00:25:40,580
Okay, I thought it could be funny
if you just go,
498
00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:42,623
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
499
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,252
All right. Hey, you do five minutes
before I go up there.
500
00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:49,422
What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain.
Are you kidding me, man?
501
00:25:49,423 --> 00:25:51,633
I can't follow it, either.
That's why you're going up there.
502
00:25:52,176 --> 00:25:59,016
Oh, yeah.
503
00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,605
Thank you, MySpace!
504
00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:09,275
Fuck Facebook!
505
00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:11,070
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
506
00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,697
- I can't believe that.
- He did the Facebook joke!
507
00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:15,615
- (LAUGHING) Yeah!
- He did the Facebook...
508
00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:17,742
I can't follow this, man.
I can't go on right now.
509
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:21,413
Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man.
510
00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,209
This is a pretty big room.
511
00:26:28,504 --> 00:26:29,838
Lot of people here.
512
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:33,383
Let's have another round of applause
for James Taylor, everybody.
513
00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:43,018
Yeah, do you actually use MySpace?
514
00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,064
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom.
I don't have time for that.
515
00:26:47,856 --> 00:26:51,234
I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist
would ever get in a fight with each other.
516
00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:52,360
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
517
00:26:52,361 --> 00:26:54,988
Who would win that fight?
That's what I want to know.
518
00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:01,537
Tom or Craig, who's tougher?
519
00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:05,498
Tom has more friends,
so that's probably good.
520
00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:07,500
Craig has weirder friends, though.
521
00:27:07,501 --> 00:27:09,043
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
522
00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:12,881
Craig has friends that are willing to do
a lot more for cash. I will say that.
523
00:27:19,179 --> 00:27:20,346
Eh?
524
00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,057
What the fuck was that all about?
You did all the jokes you wrote for me.
525
00:27:23,058 --> 00:27:25,476
Man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked.
It's all they wanted.
526
00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:26,978
They just wanted MySpace jokes.
They didn't want...
527
00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:28,312
That's why I hired you
to write me MySpace jokes.
528
00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:30,773
I know, I'm sorry. That one,
I didn't tell that one. That one will work.
529
00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,901
- I guarantee you.
- It better work. They're paying me 300 grand.
530
00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:35,654
- TOM: Mr George Simmons!
- Really?
531
00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:44,162
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, Tom, thank you.
532
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:47,874
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
533
00:27:47,875 --> 00:27:51,335
What about Ira, everybody?
How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah.
534
00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,129
That guy, man.
535
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:56,717
He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe
he doesn't work with you people.
536
00:27:58,177 --> 00:28:01,430
Tom started MySpace just to get friends,
I know it.
537
00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:04,307
So, they say the more friends
you have on MySpace,
538
00:28:04,308 --> 00:28:08,311
the less friends you have in real life.
You know?
539
00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,939
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"I have 100,000 friends on MySpace!
540
00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:12,983
"Yes!
541
00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:18,071
"Isn't that great?
I have so many friends on the computer."
542
00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:21,742
"What are you doing tonight?"
"I'll be on the computer.
543
00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,410
"That's what I do."
544
00:28:24,411 --> 00:28:26,246
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
545
00:28:26,496 --> 00:28:31,627
Do you ever get tired of singing
the same songs, you know, over and over?
546
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:34,837
Do you ever get tired
of talking about your dick?
547
00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:36,130
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
548
00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:37,715
Yeah, it's always shocking
when a girl blows you.
549
00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:39,801
You're like, "Really?
You want to do it? All right."
550
00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:42,178
I got some advice for the ladies out there.
551
00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:46,682
When you are performing that act
on a fellow don't ever say,
552
00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:49,728
"You know, you're the first guy I ever got
the whole thing in my mouth.
553
00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:51,646
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
554
00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:56,860
"Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway
down and I just start fucking choking,
555
00:28:57,361 --> 00:29:02,241
"but with you, I got a ball in my mouth!
556
00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:04,326
"That's never happened!
557
00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:11,250
"Look, I have him in my mouth right
now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear.
558
00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:14,962
"Normally I have a stutter."
559
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:19,966
That wasn't a pee, that was a shit.
That took too long.
560
00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:23,928
- Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job.
- Thank you so much, man.
561
00:29:23,929 --> 00:29:26,264
I've never made this much money
doing anything, man. Thank you.
562
00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:29,642
Good. I'm thinking about doing
a lot more stand-up.
563
00:29:29,643 --> 00:29:33,104
- Okay.
- And my assistant got pregnant.
564
00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:35,523
I didn't even know she...
I thought she was a fucking lesbian
565
00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:37,818
- the whole time, but...
- They can get pregnant, too.
566
00:29:38,944 --> 00:29:40,444
- That's nice. That's very nice.
- Yeah.
567
00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:44,031
So, you want to kind of assist me,
you know?
568
00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:45,241
- Yeah! Yeah.
- I mean, not, not...
569
00:29:45,242 --> 00:29:46,575
I mean, you can write jokes for me, too,
570
00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,744
- but get me sodas...
- Whatever you need, man!
571
00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,496
- ...and, like, clean my shit up and...
- Yeah.
572
00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:53,666
- How much money you make now?
- It depends on how many hours.
573
00:29:53,667 --> 00:29:56,836
- Usually, I can get about...
- I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week.
574
00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,965
- That's amazing, man. Thank you so much.
- You want to fuck these two girls?
575
00:30:00,382 --> 00:30:02,801
Yeah, sure. I'd love to bang them.
576
00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:08,347
- Mandy.
- Well, hi there.
577
00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:10,516
You're still swimming?
Get the fuck out of there.
578
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:13,603
- I'm ready for you.
- Yeah. Oh, my God.
579
00:30:16,023 --> 00:30:17,940
- Oh, God. Feel that stomach.
- Oh, yeah.
580
00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:19,567
- I like that thing.
- Good. Well, go for it.
581
00:30:19,568 --> 00:30:20,986
It's hard. Bam!
582
00:30:21,278 --> 00:30:22,738
(EXCLAIMING)
583
00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,031
MANDY: This house is crazy.
584
00:30:25,032 --> 00:30:26,490
GEORGE: Yeah, you got to see
the whole thing.
585
00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:29,118
- Come here. It came furnished.
- Really?
586
00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:30,286
(GEORGE MOANING)
587
00:30:30,287 --> 00:30:33,831
GEORGE: That's my man, Ira. He wrote
a lot of good jokes for me there, honey.
588
00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:36,709
Make sure he shows you his cock.
It's very, very thick.
589
00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:37,835
(BOTH LAUGHING)
590
00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,254
See you, George.
591
00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:47,845
Hey, wanna have a contest to see
who can hold their breath the longest?
592
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:48,847
(GASPS)
593
00:30:57,230 --> 00:30:58,231
(SPITS)
594
00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:02,110
You didn't go under.
595
00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:06,239
Nothing's gonna happen between us.
596
00:31:08,450 --> 00:31:11,203
I can't believe
I'm having sex with George Simmons.
597
00:31:11,495 --> 00:31:13,747
Yeah, he can't believe it, either.
598
00:31:14,081 --> 00:31:16,582
My dad loves your movies.
599
00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:20,336
Yeah, that's the best
when you talk about your dad.
600
00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:21,463
(MOANING)
601
00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:25,592
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
602
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:31,639
Dad, this won't bring Mom back!
603
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,767
I have nothing else!
604
00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:37,479
BOY: You're a champion, Dad!
You're a champion!
605
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,237
Oh! You're still here.
606
00:31:46,488 --> 00:31:48,031
I know that asshole.
607
00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:51,158
You two were just fucking, huh?
How'd that go?
608
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:54,413
No, I have a boyfriend.
We already talked about it.
609
00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,289
- Yeah. John.
- Yeah.
610
00:31:56,832 --> 00:31:59,500
Your friend took off.
She thought you left, so...
611
00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:01,919
- Really?
- That's what happens in a big house.
612
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,295
It's called "the big house problem."
613
00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,006
Your friend actually
left her purse down the hall.
614
00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,510
- You want to go get it with me?
- Oh. Okay.
615
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:12,931
(GEORGE MUMBLING)
616
00:32:13,807 --> 00:32:15,475
Don't you leave on me, Ira.
617
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,309
Fuck me like merman!
618
00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:20,564
Come on! Do merman! Do the merman call!
619
00:32:21,064 --> 00:32:22,565
Come on! Yeah!
620
00:32:22,566 --> 00:32:23,691
(WHOOPING)
621
00:32:23,692 --> 00:32:24,901
Yeah! Oh, God!
622
00:32:29,990 --> 00:32:31,366
- Hey.
- Oh. Hey.
623
00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:34,160
Sorry about the chick, man. I...
624
00:32:34,161 --> 00:32:36,954
You weren't getting it done,
so something had to happen.
625
00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:40,542
Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even
trying. She told me she had a boyfriend.
626
00:32:41,168 --> 00:32:43,669
Oh, yeah. She told me
she had a boyfriend, too.
627
00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:46,547
(SINGING) When she was sucking my cock!
628
00:32:46,548 --> 00:32:47,757
(GAGGING)
629
00:32:48,133 --> 00:32:49,634
(RETCHING)
630
00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:53,137
What the fuck are you doing
with that big dick of yours?
631
00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:56,390
You gotta use it!
You gotta share Thickie with the world.
632
00:32:56,391 --> 00:32:58,184
I don't... It's normal.
633
00:32:58,185 --> 00:33:01,480
You want to go upstairs, man?
Talk to me while I try to fall asleep?
634
00:33:02,439 --> 00:33:04,900
Okay, if...
Yeah, if that's what you want me to do.
635
00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:10,238
Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man.
That was a fun night.
636
00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:13,032
- That was a good night.
- Yeah, that was crazy.
637
00:33:13,033 --> 00:33:16,828
- Yeah.
- So, you slept with both those girls, man.
638
00:33:17,787 --> 00:33:18,914
How did you do that?
639
00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:21,248
How did I do that? There's this...
640
00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:25,336
Girls like famous guys. It's a story
for them, I guess. I don't know.
641
00:33:25,337 --> 00:33:28,964
I take advantage of it, though.
Believe me, they always leave disappointed.
642
00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,090
(YAWNING)
643
00:33:30,091 --> 00:33:31,468
That's amazing.
644
00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:36,847
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear
about this name, Ira Wright.
645
00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:38,683
That's not your real name, right?
646
00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:40,643
How could you tell?
647
00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:41,769
(CHUCKLES)
648
00:33:41,770 --> 00:33:43,896
You're hiding some Judaism.
649
00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:47,691
No, my real last name is Wiener.
It's Ira Wiener and everyone...
650
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:51,737
It's spelled the same as "wiener"
and I just got tired of correcting people.
651
00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,114
So, that's what led you
to the path of comedy.
652
00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:57,535
Being humiliated every day.
First day of school,
653
00:33:57,536 --> 00:33:59,411
(IN FEMALE VOICE) "Is Ira Wiener here?"
654
00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:00,746
And you were in the back.
655
00:34:00,747 --> 00:34:03,959
(IN KID'S VOICE) "Wiener.
My name's Wiener."
656
00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:06,669
You little fruit. What
were your parents like?
657
00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:09,589
What are the older "Wieners"
or Wieners like?
658
00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:11,757
My parents are divorced.
659
00:34:11,758 --> 00:34:16,555
They hate each other.
My mother thinks my father's the devil.
660
00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:20,058
I don't know
what that makes me, technically, but...
661
00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:23,811
- So, you'll never be as funny as me.
- Why not?
662
00:34:23,812 --> 00:34:26,939
Your generation has the divorces,
which is cute-funny,
663
00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:32,487
but my generation has the, "Oh, my God,
my father's about to hit me with a bat!"
664
00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:39,077
I just... You gotta break out the funny a lot
quicker than your little faggy childhood.
665
00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:40,662
(YAWNING)
666
00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:42,788
Are you serious?
667
00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:46,126
I spent my whole childhood
trying to make my father laugh.
668
00:34:46,835 --> 00:34:49,629
I still haven't succeeded,
but we'll get there.
669
00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,972
Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming.
670
00:34:59,723 --> 00:35:01,890
When's the first time you fingered a girl?
671
00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:05,145
I was at summer camp,
Jewish summer camp, on the sports field.
672
00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:12,652
And her name was Sharon Mizrahi.
673
00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:16,780
I didn't know what to do.
I got really scared.
674
00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:20,618
She reached down
and grabbed my penis really hard,
675
00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:22,412
like she was just trying to murder it.
676
00:35:32,714 --> 00:35:34,173
- Morning.
- Yeah, baby.
677
00:35:34,174 --> 00:35:37,010
It took me three hours,
but I think I found your kitchen.
678
00:35:37,552 --> 00:35:39,470
Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it?
679
00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:41,930
No, no. You're good. You're safe.
680
00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:45,309
- What do you got there?
- This is medicine, lra. I'm sick.
681
00:35:45,310 --> 00:35:48,062
One of those girls have chlamydia?
I thought she smelt funny.
682
00:35:48,063 --> 00:35:49,689
- Is that what it is?
- Yeah.
683
00:35:50,231 --> 00:35:55,236
I have a weird blood disease.
AML. It's a form of leukaemia.
684
00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:58,698
This is experimental medicine from Canada.
685
00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:04,371
There's an 8% chance of it working.
So, fuck me.
686
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:09,041
Well, that's not true 'cause if it was, I
would've read about it or heard about that.
687
00:36:09,042 --> 00:36:10,250
You didn't hear about it because
688
00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:13,337
I didn't fucking run out
and tell Entertainment Tonight.
689
00:36:13,338 --> 00:36:17,174
- Well, why would you tell me?
- 'Cause I don't really know you, lra.
690
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,427
I think you're not gonna
get too weird about this.
691
00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,723
I don't want to start getting treated
like the guy who's gonna die.
692
00:36:24,057 --> 00:36:28,268
So, anyways,
this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it.
693
00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:31,146
They say that's good for you.
Let me take the medicine.
694
00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:32,981
Why are you telling me this, George?
695
00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:35,859
'Cause I want you to
possibly do me a favour.
696
00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:37,070
Okay. Yeah. What?
697
00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:38,947
Kill me.
698
00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:42,032
- What?
- Nobody knows we know each other.
699
00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:44,702
You're a stranger.
You can get away with this.
700
00:36:44,703 --> 00:36:47,955
I got a gun in the other room.
It's untraceable.
701
00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:51,041
I'll give you $50,000.
702
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:57,090
Don't make me suffer.
Please, kill me, Ira. I'm begging you.
703
00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:59,508
Can you at least give me, like,
a night to think about it?
704
00:36:59,509 --> 00:37:00,510
Ha!
705
00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:05,597
- Think about it? You would do it!
- Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no!
706
00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:11,437
Ira, I misread you.
You're sick! You're a murderer!
707
00:37:11,438 --> 00:37:13,564
- Screw you, man.
- You wanted to do it!
708
00:37:13,565 --> 00:37:16,191
What would you have done for $100,000?
Chop my head off?
709
00:37:16,192 --> 00:37:17,735
You would still want to do it!
710
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:19,570
That wasn't even good acting over there!
711
00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:20,988
- What the fuck?
- That was good acting.
712
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:23,073
Daniel Day-Lewis
would've crushed that speech.
713
00:37:23,074 --> 00:37:25,784
I bought that, man. Wow!
714
00:37:25,785 --> 00:37:28,997
Ira, you don't have to kill me,
but I am gonna die.
715
00:37:29,414 --> 00:37:31,373
- George, look. Honestly, I'm like...
- Don't get close, Ira.
716
00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:32,958
- ...a really gullible guy.
- Don't do this.
717
00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:34,418
Look, my friends, they
trick me all the time.
718
00:37:34,419 --> 00:37:36,170
One of my roommates told me
he was Joe Pesci's son.
719
00:37:36,171 --> 00:37:38,756
I believed him for three years.
I still get shit for it,
720
00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:40,799
so just, please, level with me, man.
721
00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,094
- Are you serious?
- I am serious, Ira.
722
00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:45,721
Don't tell anybody about this though,
all right?
723
00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:47,389
I want it to be our secret.
724
00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:49,934
Now, you're gonna make me some eggs.
Okay, murderer?
725
00:37:50,477 --> 00:37:53,562
- (SOFTLY) Don't say that.
- Just try not to kill any of the staff
726
00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:56,232
while I'm gone, okay? They have families.
727
00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,734
IRA: Well, he actually tricked me first,
but then he showed...
728
00:37:58,735 --> 00:37:59,985
I mean, he's taking medicine.
729
00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:02,489
He's getting this special medicine
from Canada.
730
00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,782
MARK: Oh, my God,
that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
731
00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:08,410
Yeah. I think I'm the
only person he's told.
732
00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:11,331
That's what he said. I mean, he's really...
He likes me, in a weird...
733
00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:14,249
I think he's, like,
taken a shine to me, you know.
734
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:16,335
Not enough to let you
in on that two-on-one.
735
00:38:16,336 --> 00:38:19,172
- Come on, that's not appropriate.
- I don't want that anyway.
736
00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:25,135
IRA: I just don't know. I mean, it's...
It's really scary. I've never even...
737
00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,513
I don't think I've known anyone
who's, like, sick,
738
00:38:27,514 --> 00:38:30,098
you know, in like a major way before.
I don't... I just...
739
00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:33,018
LEO: George Simmons.
He's been around my whole life.
740
00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:35,103
It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying,
you know?
741
00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:37,732
- IRA: I know.
- Can we not talk about this right now?
742
00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:40,275
I'm not really good
with the whole death thing.
743
00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:41,693
Is that all right?
744
00:38:41,694 --> 00:38:44,154
I need to talk about it, man.
I work for this guy now.
745
00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:46,365
I can't... I mean, that's all I'm...
It's all I'm thinking about.
746
00:38:46,366 --> 00:38:50,245
I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me
feel all right with death.
747
00:38:51,204 --> 00:38:55,707
When I was younger, my grandfather died
and we were all gathered around him
748
00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:59,002
and there was this one candle
next to his bed.
749
00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:04,217
And right after he died, the candle started
flickering and then it just went out.
750
00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:05,843
- Wow.
- Yeah.
751
00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:08,555
And we looked around,
and there were no windows.
752
00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:11,683
Like, nothing in that room.
753
00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:17,521
And it sounds crazy, but we all thought
it was him going to heaven, you know?
754
00:39:17,522 --> 00:39:19,898
You don't pass through fire
to get to heaven.
755
00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:21,066
I think he went to hell.
756
00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,234
(SCOFFS)
757
00:39:22,235 --> 00:39:23,694
- What'd you just say?
- LEO: I just...
758
00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:25,487
I think your grandfather
probably went to hell.
759
00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:27,531
- Don't do it.
- Are you kidding me right now?
760
00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,199
I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you.
761
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,578
You're gonna make fun of me right now, just
after I opened up to you guys like that?
762
00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:36,665
It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell.
It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell.
763
00:39:36,666 --> 00:39:38,000
- Come on.
- Don't be a jerk to me
764
00:39:38,001 --> 00:39:39,710
just because I make more money
than you guys.
765
00:39:39,711 --> 00:39:40,878
How much do you make again?
766
00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,129
(LEO LAUGHING)
767
00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:45,215
You guys are just projecting
all your hatred onto me.
768
00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:46,717
Okay, and don't be super bummed out
769
00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:49,720
'cause your grandfather's playing
backgammon with Hitler right now.
770
00:39:49,721 --> 00:39:51,305
Shit, dude, don't.
771
00:39:51,306 --> 00:39:53,182
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
772
00:39:54,893 --> 00:39:56,519
GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff.
773
00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:00,315
Man, I don't know what
I'm gonna do with it.
774
00:40:01,357 --> 00:40:04,026
The more money you make,
the more free shit they give you.
775
00:40:04,027 --> 00:40:08,572
It makes no sense. I don't see any
jet skiing in my near future.
776
00:40:08,573 --> 00:40:10,365
All this shit was free?
777
00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:14,786
You want a TV, Ira? I got, like, three flat
screens laying around in there somewhere.
778
00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:18,081
Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take
this stuff to Goodwill if you want or...
779
00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:20,918
You know what?
Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's...
780
00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:25,547
I got some cars in storage you could sell
for me and just give that money to charity.
781
00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:27,758
- I can do that, yeah.
- I'm gonna write a list out for you,
782
00:40:27,759 --> 00:40:29,760
give you a bunch of
things I want you to do.
783
00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:32,095
- What size sneaker are you?
- Eleven and a half.
784
00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:35,265
(EXCLAIMS) You got that thick cock,
don't you? I want to see that thing.
785
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:38,185
- Come on, pull the cock out.
- I'm not gonna show it to you.
786
00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:40,604
What the fuck's the matter with you?
I'm not gonna do anything with it.
787
00:40:40,605 --> 00:40:42,564
I just want to know what I'm dealing with.
788
00:40:42,565 --> 00:40:45,108
- If you give me an iPod.
- You asshole.
789
00:40:45,109 --> 00:40:48,654
All right, you can have anything in here,
but you gotta take the MerMan poster.
790
00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:52,115
- No, I want... I love MerMan!
- I knew you loved MerMan.
791
00:40:52,116 --> 00:40:53,993
You and five-year-olds love MerMan.
792
00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:55,870
It's a smart movie.
793
00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:59,289
DIRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's
go on a bell. Yo Teach...!
794
00:40:59,290 --> 00:41:00,457
(BUZZING)
795
00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:01,750
And action!
796
00:41:01,751 --> 00:41:03,752
- All right now...
- Bradford!
797
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:05,338
- Yeah?
- What is this?
798
00:41:07,382 --> 00:41:10,176
- Bo's English test.
- Well, there's a mistake.
799
00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:14,638
Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes.
That's why there's an F on it.
800
00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,225
PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass,
he can't play in the big game Friday.
801
00:41:18,226 --> 00:41:19,977
Either you make this right,
802
00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:24,774
or you'll be spending the summer
teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk!
803
00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:28,819
- Shit.
- I can't be a part of this. I'm not...
804
00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,029
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
805
00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:35,368
- This is just so painful, though, isn't it?
- Yes, I want to kill myself.
806
00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:38,912
So, where are you from, originally?
You just moved here, right?
807
00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,664
Yep. Delaware.
808
00:41:40,665 --> 00:41:45,128
- Delaware! Our first state in the Union.
- Yes, it is.
809
00:41:45,420 --> 00:41:47,671
That's great. No sales
tax in Delaware, right?
810
00:41:47,672 --> 00:41:51,466
Yeah, there's not. That's weird.
You know so much about Delaware.
811
00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:55,096
- You fucking Joe Biden?
- He's from Delaware. See? I knew that.
812
00:41:56,222 --> 00:41:58,682
Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap.
813
00:41:58,683 --> 00:41:59,891
- Yeah!
- All right?
814
00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,519
Now, I am willing to give you
a makeup exam on this, all right?
815
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,230
- Do you like music?
- Did you just ask me if I liked music?
816
00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:08,108
Yeah. That... I'm...
I'm aware that that's a weird question.
817
00:42:08,109 --> 00:42:11,946
- It's like asking me if I like food.
- That was my next question.
818
00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,697
- Yes.
- Good.
819
00:42:13,698 --> 00:42:17,367
Wilco. Do you like Wilco?
Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre.
820
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,953
And I was just wondering if
you maybe wanted to go with me.
821
00:42:19,954 --> 00:42:23,415
- Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilco.
- Great.
822
00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:27,961
Okay, great, great. So, I guess
we will go to the show together.
823
00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:29,297
Not any more.
824
00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,632
You serious?
825
00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:34,342
- No, I'll go.
- Okay. Thank you.
826
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,511
- Just don't say that ever again.
- Okay. I won't.
827
00:42:36,512 --> 00:42:37,972
- Yo, Teach!
- Yeah?
828
00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:41,142
- Thanks.
- Word.
829
00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:48,440
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener.
830
00:42:48,441 --> 00:42:51,986
My name is wiener.
831
00:42:52,612 --> 00:42:55,822
My name is Wiener
My name is wiener.
832
00:42:55,823 --> 00:42:57,492
Don't call me wiener.
833
00:42:57,867 --> 00:43:01,286
Whatever. You got any jokes
for me, dum-dum?
834
00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:03,331
Got some good ones, I think, actually.
835
00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:07,334
I have a thing about how, like,
you're rich, you know,
836
00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:09,836
and so you bought a private jet,
but you're afraid of flying,
837
00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:12,214
- so you just drive in it.
- That's funny.
838
00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:14,633
You just go
to drive-throughs and car washes.
839
00:43:14,634 --> 00:43:17,303
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up
with the ending, but that was good.
840
00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:21,598
I thought it could be funny about your
balls, you know, about how, like,
841
00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:25,102
you're getting older and you found
the first grey hair on your balls.
842
00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:27,437
And it really worried you,
but then you realised it was good
843
00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:29,940
'cause it made your balls
look distinguished and smart.
844
00:43:29,941 --> 00:43:33,485
Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed
jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe,
845
00:43:33,486 --> 00:43:37,739
your balls could be like a character
Kevin Kline would play in a movie.
846
00:43:37,740 --> 00:43:40,826
Yeah, that's funny, that's funny.
I could do that.
847
00:43:40,827 --> 00:43:45,581
- What else you got?
- Actually, this just kind of happened.
848
00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:49,209
I'm making you an iTunes playlist.
849
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:51,253
- For what?
- Sometimes, when I'm upset,
850
00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:54,756
music makes me feel a little better,
so I thought maybe...
851
00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:56,424
Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing?
852
00:43:56,425 --> 00:43:59,052
I was gonna just put it on your iPod.
I don't have to play it right now.
853
00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,971
- For what? For when I go out jogging?
- I don't need to...
854
00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:04,600
Let me hear it. I don't jog any more.
Let me hear my playlist.
855
00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:08,354
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
856
00:44:12,900 --> 00:44:15,987
(WHISPERING) Ira! Ira!
857
00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:20,782
- Okay, you don't have to make fun of it.
- No, Bob Marley!
858
00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:24,619
Yes. Everything is gonna be all right.
You're right, Ira.
859
00:44:24,620 --> 00:44:27,747
Bob Marley had cancer.
Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley.
860
00:44:27,748 --> 00:44:29,166
He dead now.
861
00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:30,542
(LAUGHS) What else you put on there for me?
862
00:44:30,543 --> 00:44:32,210
I really don't want to do this, George.
863
00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,255
Can we just... I'll... Just forget I did
this. Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay?
864
00:44:35,256 --> 00:44:39,301
No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear
what's gonna cheer me up! This is good.
865
00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:42,429
- Come on. What else you got?
- Okay, here's the next one.
866
00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:43,722
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
867
00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:49,019
(MOUTHING) Now I've had
the time of my life.
868
00:44:49,020 --> 00:44:51,938
No, I never felt like this before
869
00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:53,440
I don't know what to say to that one.
870
00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:57,028
That's... That's just...
That's just fifth grade and...
871
00:44:57,570 --> 00:45:00,655
Showing me your cock was embarrassing,
but this is okay?
872
00:45:00,656 --> 00:45:02,574
Oh, God. That's a good song.
873
00:45:02,575 --> 00:45:05,827
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me more.
This is... This is unbelievable.
874
00:45:05,828 --> 00:45:07,662
(SIGHS) You sure you want to
hear another one?
875
00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:08,788
- I don't...
- Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
876
00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:12,000
- This is fun to be cheered up.
- (SIGHS) I'm sorry...
877
00:45:12,001 --> 00:45:13,461
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
878
00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:21,344
(SINGING) Shadows are falling
And I'm running out of breath.
879
00:45:22,470 --> 00:45:25,431
Keep me in your heart for a while
880
00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:32,021
if I leave you, it doesn't mean
I love you any less.
881
00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:36,359
Keep me in your heart for a while.
882
00:45:38,027 --> 00:45:43,074
When you get up in the morning
And you see that crazy sun.
883
00:45:44,075 --> 00:45:47,078
Keep me in your heart for a while.
884
00:45:49,038 --> 00:45:52,082
Just write me some jokes,
you stupid, fucking idiot.
885
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:53,626
Okay, I'm sorry.
886
00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:57,963
Keep me in your heart for a while
887
00:45:57,964 --> 00:45:59,130
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
888
00:45:59,131 --> 00:46:01,549
So, I'm not married.
I don't think I'm ever gonna get married.
889
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,718
Jiust...
I can't find a reason to do it, you know?
890
00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:05,220
Like, I got friends, like,
891
00:46:05,221 --> 00:46:09,099
"You gotta get married. My wife.
My wife is a... She's the best cook.
892
00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:10,433
"My wife's the... You gotta."
893
00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:12,936
And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook."
894
00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:15,188
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
895
00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,191
"But my wife, she's my best friend."
896
00:46:18,067 --> 00:46:20,361
"Yeah, my cook's actually
a pretty good guy." You know?
897
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,238
This could be funny.
898
00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:27,200
Like, your dad didn't like you,
so he named you and your dog George.
899
00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:29,161
He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here!
900
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,289
"Not you, the dog."
901
00:46:31,831 --> 00:46:34,332
"George, l...
Look at this awesome book I just got!"
902
00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:35,917
And then you come in, it's like,
"Not you, the dog."
903
00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,043
- That's funny.
- Yeah.
904
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,713
"Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you."
"Hey, thanks, Dad."
905
00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:41,840
"Not you, the dog."
906
00:46:41,841 --> 00:46:46,345
"Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter
on my balls. Come lick it up. You."
907
00:46:47,930 --> 00:46:49,390
Fuck him.
908
00:46:49,557 --> 00:46:51,641
Aeroplanes are the last public place
909
00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:54,103
where you can fart as loud as you want
and no one cares.
910
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,604
'Cause they don't... It's loud.
There's engine noise.
911
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:57,731
They just don't know it's you.
912
00:46:57,732 --> 00:47:00,442
Like, you could literally be
talking to someone you just met
913
00:47:00,443 --> 00:47:02,402
and be sitting this faraway from them
914
00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:05,071
and look them dead in the eye
as they talk about their grandson
915
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:08,033
and just fartas loud as you humanly can. Just...
916
00:47:08,034 --> 00:47:09,200
(IMITATES FART)
917
00:47:09,201 --> 00:47:11,745
"Yeah? Where's your grandson from?"
918
00:47:11,746 --> 00:47:14,457
My assholes been open this whole time.
It's just still...
919
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:20,545
Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes
when l... When I drop you off later?
920
00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:21,713
Help you with some of your bits?
921
00:47:21,714 --> 00:47:24,090
- Yeah.
- No. I'm not gonna help you, man.
922
00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,593
No one helped me when I started.
923
00:47:26,594 --> 00:47:28,970
Fucking, I'm not paying to help you,
I'm paying you to help me.
924
00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:30,972
No, okay. You're right, you're right.
925
00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:34,642
There is always the one girl
out there, though. The one that got away.
926
00:47:34,643 --> 00:47:39,647
Guys have that and serial killers
have that. The one that got away.
927
00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:44,944
"I had her, the trunk was lined
with garbage bags
928
00:47:44,945 --> 00:47:46,822
"and then she getaway."
929
00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:51,160
I'm sick of rap songs
telling me what to do.
930
00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:57,166
"Bend over. Slap your ass, girl.Drop it like it's hot."
931
00:47:57,583 --> 00:47:58,917
Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back.
932
00:47:58,918 --> 00:48:03,421
I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth!
933
00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:08,761
"Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back.
I'm fucking cold as shit!"
934
00:48:10,221 --> 00:48:11,679
I masturbate so much with hand cream,
935
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,392
I forget people use it
for shit other than masturbating.
936
00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:17,685
Literally, when I'm in public and
I see someone pull out hand cream,
937
00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:20,398
I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!"
938
00:48:20,606 --> 00:48:21,773
Can I ask you something?
939
00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:26,111
Is your act just designed to make sure
no girl will ever sleep with you again?
940
00:48:26,112 --> 00:48:29,406
All you fucking talk about
is jacking off and farting.
941
00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,075
You think a girl's gonna
come up to you after the show,
942
00:48:31,492 --> 00:48:34,494
"Could you just jack off for me
and then fart in my face?"
943
00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:37,373
It's fucking insane!
Do you want to get laid, ever?
944
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:51,887
(SINGING) How will you people
live without me?
945
00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:58,185
Who will bring you joy when I'm gone?
946
00:49:00,146 --> 00:49:04,150
'Cause I'm one funny man
947
00:49:04,442 --> 00:49:07,694
I bring the comedy
948
00:49:07,695 --> 00:49:12,450
I am the one you go to, to get cheered up
949
00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:14,410
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
950
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:18,455
Put in my movies.
951
00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:24,587
Escape, if you will
To a land of loveliness.
952
00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:30,675
He doesn't have patience.
953
00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:37,099
He hates so many people
He's mad when others do well.
954
00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:43,647
He hates himself
Fuck George Simmons.
955
00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:47,400
He has a medium-sized penis.
956
00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:52,281
He fucked so many girls
And yet no one remembers.
957
00:49:52,740 --> 00:49:55,826
When he's done fucking them.
958
00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:59,579
The girl just lays there and says
959
00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:04,460
I should have fucked
Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you.
960
00:50:05,419 --> 00:50:10,466
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
961
00:50:12,176 --> 00:50:16,639
George Simmons soon will be gone.
962
00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:22,978
And he will not miss you people at all.
963
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:28,066
Our relationship has always been strained.
964
00:50:28,067 --> 00:50:32,905
You always wanted too much from me,
and I'm very mad at you.
965
00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:38,327
Leave me alone.
Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers.
966
00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:40,996
Peace!
967
00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,375
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
968
00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:49,463
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
969
00:50:54,969 --> 00:50:56,428
IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons!
970
00:50:57,346 --> 00:50:59,973
What are you doing here?
What's happening?
971
00:50:59,974 --> 00:51:03,851
I couldn't sleep.
I want to get the Cavaliers game.
972
00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:05,562
I can't get this thing ever to work.
973
00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:09,816
I was up all night, man. I had a terrible
sleep. I was sweating my ass off.
974
00:51:09,817 --> 00:51:12,402
I'm fucking hot one second
and cold one second
975
00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:15,363
and the A/C don't work for shit.
976
00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:18,491
It's always going up to the roof.
977
00:51:18,492 --> 00:51:21,287
- What time is it?
- It says 3:00.
978
00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:26,709
It's 3:00? God damn it!
I can't fucking waste time. I gotta...
979
00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:31,547
All right, let's start my goddamn day.
980
00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:36,635
I don't got time for this shit.
Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on.
981
00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:41,514
They keep telling me that
I gotta dial an extension.
982
00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:45,476
I don't even have the fucking number
to dial for the fucking extension!
983
00:51:45,477 --> 00:51:46,478
Do you want me to try calling them?
984
00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:50,524
You should have fucking called them!
Where the fuck were you last night?
985
00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:53,526
- You'll call them.
- I'm sorry, man.
986
00:51:53,527 --> 00:51:55,320
Just tell me what you need,
I'll get it done, okay?
987
00:51:55,321 --> 00:51:58,489
You pay for all of this stuff
and none of it ever works!
988
00:51:58,490 --> 00:52:04,246
Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick!
These guys are trying to fucking kill me!
989
00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:08,374
I want to go to the doctor.
I gotta see this guy.
990
00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:10,753
What the fuck is happening?
991
00:52:12,254 --> 00:52:15,715
This medicine does not work.
It makes it worse!
992
00:52:15,716 --> 00:52:17,925
Okay. I'll call them right now.
I'll tell them we're coming, okay?
993
00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,845
- Now. We gotta go now.
- I'll call them right now, okay?
994
00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:22,681
Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs.
995
00:52:25,768 --> 00:52:28,812
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
996
00:52:31,357 --> 00:52:36,069
Please put away the video game.
Don't do that. Don't be rude.
997
00:52:36,070 --> 00:52:38,112
- I'm sorry.
- Fucking playing Centipede?
998
00:52:38,113 --> 00:52:41,367
- What the fuck were you playing?
- Just a driving game.
999
00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:45,203
- Hello, Mr Simmons.
- Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you.
1000
00:52:45,204 --> 00:52:46,371
How are you? I brought my friend.
1001
00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:50,583
This is my... Well, my lover,
my life partner, my everything.
1002
00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:53,252
How are you? What's going on?
How we doing?
1003
00:52:53,253 --> 00:52:56,256
Well, your immune system is
in the middle of a very serious battle.
1004
00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:58,841
The medicine is trying
to combat the disease,
1005
00:52:58,842 --> 00:53:01,344
but in the process it
destroys healthy tissue
1006
00:53:01,345 --> 00:53:06,307
and disrupts healthy functioning of your
organs and multiple lymphatic systems,
1007
00:53:06,308 --> 00:53:08,435
so you're getting attacked on two levels.
1008
00:53:08,769 --> 00:53:10,812
And we hope the disease is vanquished
1009
00:53:10,813 --> 00:53:13,691
before it and the medicine does damage
which cannot be contained.
1010
00:53:14,149 --> 00:53:17,444
- Okay.
- Your accent is very thick.
1011
00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:20,405
You ever notice your accent
1012
00:53:20,406 --> 00:53:23,951
makes things sound worse than they...
Than they actually are?
1013
00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:28,455
You could give good news, and I'd still be
like, "What happened? Am I still dying?"
1014
00:53:29,373 --> 00:53:30,791
I'm just trying to help you.
1015
00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:33,626
I know you sound like a regular Joe
where you come from,
1016
00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:39,590
but here I keep thinking you're
gonna be torturing James Bond later.
1017
00:53:39,591 --> 00:53:43,470
I'm sure your sense of humour
will serve you well in this situation.
1018
00:53:43,679 --> 00:53:48,475
There he goes again. All so terrifying
because it came out of your mouth.
1019
00:53:48,976 --> 00:53:50,935
You are a very funny man.
1020
00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,147
Are you mad that you died
at the end of Die Hard?
1021
00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,024
I don't understand the reference.
1022
00:53:57,526 --> 00:53:59,653
He kind of looks like those two guys
in the second Matrix movie.
1023
00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:01,279
(CHUCKLES)
1024
00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:03,531
I assure you I was not in The Matrix.
1025
00:54:03,532 --> 00:54:06,659
Why did you eat Björn Borg?
What did he do to you?
1026
00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:10,538
If you have no other questions,
I do have other patients.
1027
00:54:10,539 --> 00:54:14,584
You have other patients that you have
to frighten by the end of the day?
1028
00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:16,127
How many patients do you frighten a day?
1029
00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:22,801
And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed
by these humorous activities from you guys.
1030
00:54:23,594 --> 00:54:24,719
So, I think you and...
1031
00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:28,973
We have discussed this and I am very,
very sympathetic to your recovery,
1032
00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:32,477
and I hope we will succeed
with what we are doing.
1033
00:54:32,478 --> 00:54:35,146
I've been trying to build this cabinet
I bought from you guys
1034
00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:37,398
for, like, six months and I gotta...
1035
00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:39,234
IKEA? That's very funny.
1036
00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:51,538
- Hey. Yo, Teach.
- Hey.
1037
00:54:53,373 --> 00:54:55,166
How's... How was the taping?
1038
00:54:55,167 --> 00:54:59,754
Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it.
I think the ending really murdered.
1039
00:54:59,755 --> 00:55:02,549
Was it a very special episode?
1040
00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:08,013
- You remember Daisy, right?
- Yeah, of course.
1041
00:55:08,514 --> 00:55:11,015
- Hey.
- MARK: I'm sorry.
1042
00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:12,767
I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight.
1043
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,561
I thought maybe you'd be
spending the night at George's and...
1044
00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:19,607
Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh?
1045
00:55:19,608 --> 00:55:23,277
(SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11.
1046
00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:26,447
- What are you guys talking about?
- Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool.
1047
00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,575
Don't give a shit. Totally fine.
1048
00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:36,083
Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie.
1049
00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:38,543
Harry's getting old.
1050
00:55:38,544 --> 00:55:41,046
He's, like, older than my dad.
They should call him Harold Potter.
1051
00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:43,799
That Hermione's got some big, old titties.
1052
00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:48,971
Whoa!
1053
00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:53,266
Did you two just bone?
I'm getting a little vibe here.
1054
00:55:53,267 --> 00:55:56,144
This is exciting.
Think I'm getting a quarter chub.
1055
00:55:56,645 --> 00:55:57,770
(SIGHS)
1056
00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,230
Why is Ira so upset?
1057
00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:01,691
It's been, like, way after 10 days.
1058
00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:04,736
He can't call dibs on every girl he meets.
1059
00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,738
We were supposed to go out
on a date together.
1060
00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:10,449
We are going out on a date. I thought so.
1061
00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:12,827
- We're not any more! No!
- Really?
1062
00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:17,039
'Cause after you fuck my roommate
that kind of ends it with me!
1063
00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,542
What are you talking about?
Don't treat me like that.
1064
00:56:19,543 --> 00:56:22,837
Just so you know how I'm seeing you?
You're a starfucker.
1065
00:56:22,838 --> 00:56:25,256
You're a girl who met a star
and then fucked him.
1066
00:56:25,257 --> 00:56:27,008
And he's not even that famous!
1067
00:56:27,009 --> 00:56:30,261
What if like a real good-looking celebrity
was my roommate?
1068
00:56:30,262 --> 00:56:34,224
What if I lived with, you know,
James McAvoy or Jude Law or something?
1069
00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:37,184
I don't know.
I probably would fuck both of those people.
1070
00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:40,104
- Don't say that.
- I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit.
1071
00:56:40,105 --> 00:56:41,648
I can't believe that!
1072
00:56:42,232 --> 00:56:43,357
(GROANS)
1073
00:56:43,358 --> 00:56:48,696
if a hot girl walked over here, naked,
and was like, "Do my body," you would.
1074
00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:52,534
- You would have sex with her.
- No, I'd feel really uncomfortable.
1075
00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:55,119
And then I might ask her to a Wilco show.
1076
00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:59,458
Okay, then you're the first guy in the
world that I've ever met that's like that.
1077
00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:02,627
I thought you were the kind of girl
that would wait two months
1078
00:57:02,628 --> 00:57:03,794
and then have sex with a guy.
1079
00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:07,006
- I didn't think you would just...
- I'm an independent woman.
1080
00:57:07,007 --> 00:57:09,468
I'm allowed to fuck people.
1081
00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:12,846
Well, if I had known that, I would have
scheduled our date a lot sooner!
1082
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:16,975
Give me a break. I don't even know you.
1083
00:57:17,184 --> 00:57:20,103
This is the longest conversation
we've ever had.
1084
00:57:25,984 --> 00:57:30,988
Don't be mad at me.
I said I'd give you 10 days.
1085
00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:32,449
I gave you three weeks.
1086
00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:39,789
I thought you were joking, man.
I'm gonna be honest with you.
1087
00:57:39,790 --> 00:57:42,542
We... We...
We want to fuck every girl that we meet.
1088
00:57:43,919 --> 00:57:48,172
That's how it works. if I didn't sleep with
every girl you wished you could sleep with,
1089
00:57:48,173 --> 00:57:49,840
I wouldn't sleep with anybody.
1090
00:57:49,841 --> 00:57:52,386
It's a communication breakdown.
We can fix this.
1091
00:57:52,928 --> 00:57:54,845
I don't care.
The fact that you had sex with her...
1092
00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:59,266
I can never do anything like that with her.
1093
00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:03,688
So, you're really not gonna chase this girl
just because I was with her?
1094
00:58:03,689 --> 00:58:04,731
Yeah.
1095
00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:06,483
Huh.
1096
00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:09,528
It's kind of insulting, on some level.
1097
00:58:12,364 --> 00:58:14,700
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
1098
00:58:15,534 --> 00:58:18,661
I wish I could,
but I'm going with Tobey Maguire.
1099
00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:21,206
I might play his little
brother in this movie.
1100
00:58:25,127 --> 00:58:26,335
(SIGHS)
1101
00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:27,879
I hope I get it.
1102
00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:36,554
GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't
get rid of them. What did you get rid of?
1103
00:58:36,555 --> 00:58:38,389
IRA: Well, I, you know,
I got a few good offers,
1104
00:58:38,390 --> 00:58:40,933
but honestly, I don't know
how much each car is worth and I...
1105
00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:42,893
They keep on wanting to buy all of them
1106
00:58:42,894 --> 00:58:44,395
- and it's hard for me to...
- Don't make it a big deal.
1107
00:58:44,396 --> 00:58:47,356
Don't get a stomach-ache over it.
Just sell them.
1108
00:58:47,357 --> 00:58:49,609
- Give it to a charity. Move on.
- Okay.
1109
00:58:49,776 --> 00:58:51,068
I just want to be happy about
1110
00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:53,279
- giving something away, you know.
- Okay.
1111
00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,281
So...
1112
00:58:55,866 --> 00:58:58,659
There's something I've really
been wanting to tell you, George.
1113
00:58:58,660 --> 00:58:59,661
Uh-oh.
1114
00:59:00,454 --> 00:59:01,829
Yeah.
1115
00:59:01,830 --> 00:59:06,293
I feel as though you need to tell someone
other than me about your condition.
1116
00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:11,088
- I don't want to do that.
- George, people care about you.
1117
00:59:11,089 --> 00:59:13,050
You have to let them be there for you.
1118
00:59:14,009 --> 00:59:17,804
I tell somebody, then it's all gonna
change, and you can't get it back.
1119
00:59:18,638 --> 00:59:20,598
Everything's already changed, George,
1120
00:59:20,599 --> 00:59:24,894
and the truth is
soon you're gonna start getting very sick
1121
00:59:24,895 --> 00:59:26,938
and you are gonna want
someone other than me there.
1122
00:59:27,481 --> 00:59:29,774
I mean, have you...
Have you even told your parents yet?
1123
00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,984
My parents are in their mid-70s.
1124
00:59:31,985 --> 00:59:34,737
They would drop dead
if they heard about this.
1125
00:59:34,738 --> 00:59:38,783
- Friends. You must want to tell your friends.
- I don't really have any friends.
1126
00:59:38,784 --> 00:59:41,202
I have people I shoot the shit with
and fuck around with,
1127
00:59:41,203 --> 00:59:43,079
but there's nobody I'm really close with.
1128
00:59:43,080 --> 00:59:44,622
I've got showbiz friends.
1129
00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:48,167
Andy Dick isn't a friend.
He's just a guy you know.
1130
00:59:48,168 --> 00:59:50,586
You're my closest friend,
and I don't even like you.
1131
00:59:50,587 --> 00:59:51,837
(SIGHS)
1132
00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:54,006
You have to tell someone
other than me, man.
1133
00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:55,758
I can't be the only one who knows.
1134
00:59:55,759 --> 00:59:59,762
I've never dealt with anything like this.
All my grandparents are alive.
1135
00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,265
Listen, this is not your job to cry.
Your job is to not cry.
1136
01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:06,144
I'm just trying to talk to you
man-to-man, George.
1137
01:00:06,311 --> 01:00:09,480
- As a man, you are crying right now.
- I'm not crying.
1138
01:00:09,481 --> 01:00:11,857
People are gonna think
we just broke up or something, Ira.
1139
01:00:11,858 --> 01:00:14,735
- Stop doing what you're doing.
- Okay, I'll stop.
1140
01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:18,615
You're causing a scene.
You're making crazy faces now, Ira.
1141
01:00:19,199 --> 01:00:21,951
Open your eyes. Stop crying.
1142
01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:23,077
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1143
01:00:23,078 --> 01:00:25,621
You're making noises now?
You look like the Incredible Hulk.
1144
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:26,747
(SPLUTTERS)
1145
01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:28,499
Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp,
1146
01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:30,000
- you asshole.
- I'm sorry.
1147
01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:31,293
(SNIFFLES)
1148
01:00:31,294 --> 01:00:33,338
- God, I'm sorry.
- Come on. Wipe it off.
1149
01:00:34,131 --> 01:00:35,674
Jesus Christ.
1150
01:00:36,675 --> 01:00:39,135
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
1151
01:00:39,136 --> 01:00:40,511
This is the worst.
1152
01:00:40,512 --> 01:00:42,973
Why didn't I just get hit
by a fucking foul ball?
1153
01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:46,101
You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass.
1154
01:00:48,728 --> 01:00:51,565
This could have been the best meal, ever.
1155
01:00:52,732 --> 01:00:56,069
- Should I get you ice chips or something?
- No, I'm good.
1156
01:00:56,862 --> 01:00:58,320
You never had any kids, huh?
1157
01:00:58,321 --> 01:01:01,574
- No. No. We didn't get to that.
- I have three.
1158
01:01:01,575 --> 01:01:04,827
- I know.
- Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy.
1159
01:01:04,828 --> 01:01:09,123
How the hell did you have any kids
with all the penises you've blown?
1160
01:01:09,124 --> 01:01:12,711
I sucked my own dick
and spit it into their vagina.
1161
01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:17,214
I mean, knowing that. Most people
just go through life asleep anyways.
1162
01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:19,425
Some of those people don't even
wake up until they get, you know,
1163
01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:21,010
the Dr Death call, you know.
1164
01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:23,804
(IN HUSKY VOICE) "This is Dr Death!
You're going to die."
1165
01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:30,562
(RASPING) "Don't be afraid, George. It's
just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!"
1166
01:01:31,146 --> 01:01:32,813
- Yeah.
- Fuck negativity.
1167
01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:35,400
Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey!
1168
01:01:36,318 --> 01:01:39,111
I wish I wasn't so fucking
angry with you right now.
1169
01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:41,488
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother.
1170
01:01:41,489 --> 01:01:42,948
You were a terrible brother.
1171
01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,452
You just left us and you didn't care.
You didn't give a shit about us.
1172
01:01:46,453 --> 01:01:48,412
- You don't even give a...
- You moved to Kansas.
1173
01:01:48,413 --> 01:01:50,456
- Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas?
- Yes.
1174
01:01:50,457 --> 01:01:53,042
I thought that's why you moved there,
so you didn't get visitors.
1175
01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,462
- You're so fucking selfish.
- I know.
1176
01:01:55,629 --> 01:01:58,797
You've only seen my son, like, three times.
1177
01:01:58,798 --> 01:02:03,802
- I send him fucking DVDs all the time.
- He doesn't want your DVDs.
1178
01:02:03,803 --> 01:02:07,556
He wants you to be a part of his life.
He wants to be a part of yours.
1179
01:02:07,557 --> 01:02:10,100
Wow. This has been great.
1180
01:02:10,101 --> 01:02:13,939
I want to call Dad now
and just have more family time.
1181
01:02:14,147 --> 01:02:17,108
What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad.
1182
01:02:19,486 --> 01:02:21,904
You are right.
1183
01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:26,200
You're very, very nice,
and I'm sorry I don't know your son.
1184
01:02:26,201 --> 01:02:29,120
I'm sorry I don't know you any more.
1185
01:02:29,329 --> 01:02:32,624
- I'm glad you don't know me.
- I wish I did.
1186
01:02:34,167 --> 01:02:37,045
You'd be let down, believe me.
1187
01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,972
Oh, man.
1188
01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:54,396
Oh, God.
1189
01:02:57,565 --> 01:03:01,110
- Who's that?
- That's the girl I was gonna marry,
1190
01:03:01,111 --> 01:03:02,279
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1191
01:03:02,529 --> 01:03:04,698
but then she smartened up.
1192
01:03:05,573 --> 01:03:10,619
- So, she's 10 and she's six.
- GEORGE: So cute.
1193
01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:13,872
- Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh?
- Yeah.
1194
01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,792
What's the matter?
Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him?
1195
01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:21,256
- That's all Laura.
- They fight a lot, but they're cute.
1196
01:03:21,756 --> 01:03:25,510
Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here.
1197
01:03:26,094 --> 01:03:28,804
- I wanted to come. I wanted to see you.
- You didn't have to come here.
1198
01:03:28,805 --> 01:03:31,474
You didn't have to.
I know it's stressful for you.
1199
01:03:31,891 --> 01:03:34,311
I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry.
1200
01:03:34,853 --> 01:03:37,147
I'm so sorry about everything I did.
1201
01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:40,566
You don't have to be sorry.
That was 12 years ago.
1202
01:03:40,567 --> 01:03:44,654
Everything worked out for the best. It's
good. Look at your life. This is great.
1203
01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:50,743
Yes. It's the best life. I hate it.
I hate it all.
1204
01:03:50,744 --> 01:03:51,994
- I haven't been...
- You don't hate it.
1205
01:03:51,995 --> 01:03:54,873
I'm addicted to it, I guess.
I keep doing it.
1206
01:03:55,332 --> 01:03:58,334
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira.
I'm calling to say
1207
01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:01,670
I don't think today is a good day
for you to come by and see George.
1208
01:04:01,671 --> 01:04:04,965
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call
when I know what the schedule looks like.
1209
01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:07,218
Thank you. I'll talk to you soon.
1210
01:04:08,595 --> 01:04:10,929
You have a family now.
You have a family now.
1211
01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,807
I'm so happy. You did the right thing.
You moved on.
1212
01:04:13,808 --> 01:04:16,018
You got a good life.
1213
01:04:16,019 --> 01:04:19,229
And... And I just got nothing, Laura.
I hate that.
1214
01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:21,899
I hate that it could have been me with you.
1215
01:04:21,900 --> 01:04:24,902
- Don't do that, please?
- I'm sorry. I just fucking...
1216
01:04:24,903 --> 01:04:27,238
You... l could have had
those kids with you.
1217
01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:32,034
How could you cheat on me? I was so hot.
1218
01:04:32,035 --> 01:04:35,037
- You were. You were so hot. I don't know.
- I was hot!
1219
01:04:35,038 --> 01:04:38,040
I don't even know what
the fuck I was doing.
1220
01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:42,669
I was just a stupid idiot.
I don't remember anybody else.
1221
01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,380
- What was wrong with you?
- I don't remember anybody else.
1222
01:04:44,381 --> 01:04:46,131
I only remember you. I don't know.
1223
01:04:46,132 --> 01:04:49,176
I don't even know who they were,
who fucking ruined us.
1224
01:04:49,177 --> 01:04:52,471
They're not in my brain, ever.
It's like it didn't happen.
1225
01:04:52,472 --> 01:04:57,226
The only thing that happened was us.
And you ran away 'cause you had to.
1226
01:04:57,227 --> 01:04:59,144
I had to go.
1227
01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:02,481
At the time, I just
couldn't do it any more.
1228
01:05:02,482 --> 01:05:04,775
- Yeah.
- But you know what I realised?
1229
01:05:04,776 --> 01:05:06,403
I love my husband,
1230
01:05:07,779 --> 01:05:10,448
but it's just not the same.
1231
01:05:11,491 --> 01:05:15,120
And I loved you so much and...
1232
01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:18,997
I know, I know, I know, I know.
1233
01:05:18,998 --> 01:05:22,334
I have the same thing.
I have the same thing.
1234
01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:25,045
Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad.
1235
01:05:25,046 --> 01:05:28,298
I love you. I love you. I always loved you.
1236
01:05:28,299 --> 01:05:31,885
And the crazy thing is
he cheats on me, too.
1237
01:05:31,886 --> 01:05:34,597
- I hate...
- He's like an Australian you.
1238
01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:39,435
I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy?
1239
01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:42,729
It's just that you were the one.
1240
01:05:42,730 --> 01:05:48,069
Just you are... Were... Are the love...
1241
01:05:50,947 --> 01:05:54,784
Love of my life. And I just love you.
1242
01:06:03,334 --> 01:06:05,670
Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it?
1243
01:06:09,007 --> 01:06:11,258
You're not sick, are you?
1244
01:06:11,259 --> 01:06:14,304
You're just doing that
to get me down here, huh?
1245
01:06:14,679 --> 01:06:16,097
(LAUGHS)
1246
01:06:17,265 --> 01:06:20,351
- There are those hands again.
- My big hands.
1247
01:06:20,518 --> 01:06:22,394
Always made my penis look small.
1248
01:06:22,395 --> 01:06:23,604
(LAUGHING)
1249
01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:26,065
Thank you, hands, for that complex.
1250
01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,694
Yes. Jeez.
1251
01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:36,783
The two of them together,
it was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay.
1252
01:06:36,784 --> 01:06:38,703
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
1253
01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:45,460
Yeah.
1254
01:06:47,587 --> 01:06:49,214
That was worth it.
1255
01:06:49,672 --> 01:06:53,634
- We're into overtime now, just so you know.
- (LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick.
1256
01:06:53,635 --> 01:06:58,348
I wish that you guys were really my friends
and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me.
1257
01:06:59,849 --> 01:07:02,810
All right, so let's keep going then.
1258
01:07:03,228 --> 01:07:05,813
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
1259
01:07:16,074 --> 01:07:19,702
(SINGING) All my little plans and schemes.
1260
01:07:21,746 --> 01:07:26,042
Lost like some forgotten dream.
1261
01:07:27,502 --> 01:07:28,835
Seems like all I...
1262
01:07:28,836 --> 01:07:30,546
- Diego.
- Yes, George?
1263
01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:34,091
- The roses look terrific.
- Thank you. They sure look beautiful.
1264
01:07:34,092 --> 01:07:37,720
Only a guy with a big cock like you
could make roses this beautiful.
1265
01:07:39,138 --> 01:07:42,892
Don't need to be alone.
1266
01:07:44,978 --> 01:07:48,731
No need to be alone.
1267
01:07:51,776 --> 01:07:57,155
It's real love It's real.
1268
01:07:57,156 --> 01:07:59,616
Yes, it's real love.
1269
01:07:59,617 --> 01:08:01,201
You doing stand-up at all?
1270
01:08:01,202 --> 01:08:03,787
This is actually the first time
I've left the house in three years.
1271
01:08:03,788 --> 01:08:07,624
But I will sometimes, in my house, in front
of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes.
1272
01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:10,085
Not good stuff.
It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know.
1273
01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:12,879
But, you know, all kidding aside,
I know you're in a terrible situation,
1274
01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:15,549
but even with that,
you look so much better than him.
1275
01:08:15,550 --> 01:08:17,051
(ALL LAUGHING)
1276
01:08:19,971 --> 01:08:24,225
(SINGING) The Kingdom of Heaven is,
is in your hands.
1277
01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:30,063
I don't expect for you to awake
from your dreams.
1278
01:08:30,064 --> 01:08:31,941
We watched your last movie on video.
1279
01:08:32,317 --> 01:08:34,652
A man who is funny
doesn't have to work blue.
1280
01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:37,112
You don't...
You don't have to do trash to be funny.
1281
01:08:37,113 --> 01:08:40,073
- I'll tell you who was a great comedian.
- Please say me. Who?
1282
01:08:40,074 --> 01:08:42,409
- Jackie Gleason.
- Yeah, of course.
1283
01:08:42,410 --> 01:08:44,787
You like him
'cause you look like Art Carney.
1284
01:08:47,332 --> 01:08:50,584
Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad.
1285
01:08:50,585 --> 01:08:52,628
- All right. Thank you, Pop.
- I know.
1286
01:08:52,629 --> 01:08:54,379
(SINGING) It's real.
1287
01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:58,258
It's real love, oh, yeah
1288
01:08:58,259 --> 01:08:59,760
(INAUDIBLE)
1289
01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:04,474
It's real love, yeah.
1290
01:09:05,475 --> 01:09:10,647
It's real love It's real.
1291
01:09:14,859 --> 01:09:17,778
I think I played it all wrong, Ira.
1292
01:09:17,779 --> 01:09:18,904
(SIGHS)
1293
01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,698
I played it all wrong.
1294
01:09:26,663 --> 01:09:29,790
Okay. He's here. We saw each other.
Let me answer it. Mark.
1295
01:09:29,791 --> 01:09:31,918
- Stop.
- Let me answer it. Mark, man.
1296
01:09:32,460 --> 01:09:34,002
Move, bitch!
1297
01:09:34,003 --> 01:09:36,630
- Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
1298
01:09:36,631 --> 01:09:38,256
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Hey!
1299
01:09:38,257 --> 01:09:39,716
- Mark.
- Leo is the name I got.
1300
01:09:39,717 --> 01:09:41,301
- How are you?
- Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...!
1301
01:09:41,302 --> 01:09:43,221
- That's right!
- Yeah, right.
1302
01:09:43,721 --> 01:09:45,305
Oh, boy.
1303
01:09:45,306 --> 01:09:48,725
That movie's the best
'cause you're a man then you're a baby
1304
01:09:48,726 --> 01:09:51,478
and then you learn to be
a man once you be... You need...
1305
01:09:51,479 --> 01:09:53,690
It takes becoming a baby
to learn how to become a man.
1306
01:09:54,399 --> 01:09:57,234
Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food?
1307
01:09:57,235 --> 01:09:59,695
No, no, no. Let me just walk
around and go through your shit.
1308
01:09:59,696 --> 01:10:00,863
(MARK LAUGHS)
1309
01:10:01,531 --> 01:10:03,240
Hey, I'm Bo.
1310
01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,783
- What's up, Bo?
- I'm an actor, so...
1311
01:10:04,784 --> 01:10:07,537
Good, good, good, good, good, good.
1312
01:10:09,372 --> 01:10:11,666
- GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot.
- Really? Where?
1313
01:10:12,458 --> 01:10:15,878
Schmira, he has that... What's that,
the YouTubey thing that, that...
1314
01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,337
DAISY: The YouTube.
GEORGE: Yeah.
1315
01:10:17,338 --> 01:10:20,049
George and Daisy are here?
How the hell did that happen?
1316
01:10:20,258 --> 01:10:22,676
I didn't think George would come,
and who invited Daisy?
1317
01:10:22,677 --> 01:10:23,927
I invited her.
1318
01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:27,139
- Are you still sleeping with Daisy?
- No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy!
1319
01:10:27,140 --> 01:10:31,518
I have a new girlfriend now.
I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs Pruitt.
1320
01:10:31,519 --> 01:10:33,521
Her name's Carla something.
1321
01:10:34,272 --> 01:10:35,732
I'm gonna go.
1322
01:10:36,274 --> 01:10:39,693
- My man. The Schmira.
- Thanks for coming, man.
1323
01:10:39,694 --> 01:10:41,404
This is the best. Where's your bedroom?
1324
01:10:41,779 --> 01:10:44,448
Well, get ready for a hike,
'cause you're standing in it.
1325
01:10:44,449 --> 01:10:46,450
- No.
- It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame.
1326
01:10:46,451 --> 01:10:49,286
- Did you go to that Wilco show?
- Yeah, did you?
1327
01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:51,914
(LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't.
I scalped the tickets.
1328
01:10:52,415 --> 01:10:55,752
- I made 100 bucks profit, so...
- So, you owe me 50.
1329
01:10:57,879 --> 01:11:01,591
- Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay?
- Money order.
1330
01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:03,008
- Money order? That'll work.
- Yeah.
1331
01:11:03,009 --> 01:11:04,885
- PayPal? Are you on PayPal?
- Yeah, PayPal it up.
1332
01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:07,554
Look at that, back and forth,
like a cute couple.
1333
01:11:07,555 --> 01:11:09,932
You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo.
1334
01:11:10,349 --> 01:11:14,102
You know, we actually had a date,
but then I had sex with that guy,
1335
01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:16,730
- so Schmira broke it off.
- GEORGE: You kidding me?
1336
01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:20,025
Don't worry, Ira. You know you're
a better lover than Pete Rose over there.
1337
01:11:20,026 --> 01:11:21,943
Look at him.
He's got the length and the width.
1338
01:11:21,944 --> 01:11:23,779
Imagine that dong of his.
1339
01:11:23,780 --> 01:11:26,072
I saw the tip of it one time.
Even that was too big for me.
1340
01:11:26,073 --> 01:11:27,824
- No, it's very normal.
- Yeah.
1341
01:11:27,825 --> 01:11:29,159
So, you like big penises?
1342
01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:31,828
Well, you know,
I have a really skinny vagina, so...
1343
01:11:31,829 --> 01:11:33,747
If it's skinny, you should
try feeding it carbs.
1344
01:11:33,748 --> 01:11:35,457
(LAUGHING)
1345
01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,125
- Yeah.
- All right, well, jeez, you know what?
1346
01:11:37,126 --> 01:11:39,169
I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh?
1347
01:11:39,170 --> 01:11:41,463
- Yeah, okay.
- I'm falling in love with the both of you.
1348
01:11:41,464 --> 01:11:43,882
- Let the awkwardness begin!
- MAN: Love your work.
1349
01:11:43,883 --> 01:11:46,802
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you
for shopping at Ralphs.
1350
01:11:46,803 --> 01:11:49,971
I'm sorry. I owe you an apology.
It's really weird what I did.
1351
01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:54,059
I basically yelled at you for cheating on me
before we had even had a real conversation.
1352
01:11:54,060 --> 01:11:57,229
So, I'm aware of that.
I know that's weird, and I'm sorry.
1353
01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:59,189
Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk
1354
01:11:59,190 --> 01:12:01,818
and having sex with the guy
from Yo Teach...! So...
1355
01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,028
It's okay. When I first moved here,
I blew Mr Belvedere.
1356
01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:06,196
(DAISY LAUGHS)
1357
01:12:06,197 --> 01:12:07,697
So, everyone does that.
1358
01:12:07,698 --> 01:12:11,326
- He's walking. George is walking to us.
- Hello, ladies.
1359
01:12:11,327 --> 01:12:14,997
So, Leo?
What's the excuse for not writing me jokes?
1360
01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:17,666
- What?
- You could have made money.
1361
01:12:17,667 --> 01:12:20,377
I told both you guys to write jokes for me,
and you decided not to.
1362
01:12:20,378 --> 01:12:24,089
What, did you
have to go to LensCrafters that day?
1363
01:12:24,090 --> 01:12:26,676
I was just joking. I like your glasses.
1364
01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:31,388
He wanted both of us to write jokes
for him, and you didn't tell me?
1365
01:12:31,389 --> 01:12:34,182
I apologise. It's not worth,
like, losing your shit over, man.
1366
01:12:34,183 --> 01:12:36,810
What, you don't think I like money?
You don't think I like private jets?
1367
01:12:36,811 --> 01:12:39,688
You don't think I want a cool job
writing for George Simmons?
1368
01:12:39,689 --> 01:12:40,814
I just think you're doing well.
1369
01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:43,525
You know, you're getting gigs
at the Improv all the time.
1370
01:12:43,526 --> 01:12:45,110
You're gonna have people writing for you.
1371
01:12:45,111 --> 01:12:48,029
You don't need to be writing
for other people, you know.
1372
01:12:48,030 --> 01:12:49,531
I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just...
1373
01:12:49,532 --> 01:12:52,033
I wanted something for myself and I just,
you know...
1374
01:12:52,034 --> 01:12:54,745
It's just, you know, fuck you, Ira!
1375
01:12:55,288 --> 01:12:56,913
Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode
1376
01:12:56,914 --> 01:12:59,291
doesn't mean
I'm gonna forgive you right away!
1377
01:12:59,292 --> 01:13:03,503
Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same
thing you've been doing this whole time.
1378
01:13:03,504 --> 01:13:05,213
You're being competitive.
You do that all the time.
1379
01:13:05,214 --> 01:13:06,548
I'm doing it now, okay?
1380
01:13:06,549 --> 01:13:08,383
- I didn't make it competitive!
- Yes, you did.
1381
01:13:08,384 --> 01:13:10,302
Have you ever had to work for money? No.
1382
01:13:10,303 --> 01:13:14,848
You didn't work at a coal mine, Ira!
You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it!
1383
01:13:14,849 --> 01:13:17,601
I was only supposed to be
on that pull-out couch for six months!
1384
01:13:17,602 --> 01:13:19,728
And we were supposed to trade!
And we never did!
1385
01:13:19,729 --> 01:13:21,229
Yeah, we never did switch after six months.
1386
01:13:21,230 --> 01:13:23,899
- Yeah. Exactly.
- You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, Ira!
1387
01:13:23,900 --> 01:13:27,068
You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent!
Why don't they move in? It's your fault.
1388
01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:32,825
Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, Indians,
can we please stop fighting?
1389
01:13:32,992 --> 01:13:35,869
It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside.
Please stop.
1390
01:13:35,870 --> 01:13:38,747
I'm not fighting any more.
I'm done fighting.
1391
01:13:38,748 --> 01:13:40,749
- Thank you.
- LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker?
1392
01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:42,250
Why don't you go cup
George Simmons' balls
1393
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,253
while you talk him to
sleep every night, Ira?
1394
01:13:45,254 --> 01:13:47,924
- Leo.
- Sorry.
1395
01:13:48,716 --> 01:13:52,261
I would let you do that, too.
My balls are for everybody.
1396
01:13:54,388 --> 01:13:57,975
Okay. It's starting to feel
like Thanksgiving around here.
1397
01:13:58,726 --> 01:13:59,810
Let's eat some food.
1398
01:14:05,733 --> 01:14:08,444
I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man.
1399
01:14:09,946 --> 01:14:10,988
What?
1400
01:14:11,989 --> 01:14:15,408
So, does anybody
want to say grace or anything?
1401
01:14:15,409 --> 01:14:17,702
Leo's a good writer, apparently.
Come on, get up there.
1402
01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:19,329
Yeah, Leo.
1403
01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:20,789
- MAN: Leo!
- Do it, Leo.
1404
01:14:20,790 --> 01:14:24,250
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
- All right, let me go. I'll do it for us.
1405
01:14:24,251 --> 01:14:26,419
Let me get it done.
1406
01:14:26,420 --> 01:14:31,132
Okay, so first let's give thanks
to our families not being here.
1407
01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:32,258
(ALL AGREEING)
1408
01:14:32,259 --> 01:14:35,554
It's always easier,
always easier without the family.
1409
01:14:36,097 --> 01:14:40,100
It's funny, I see you guys
and you are just so much younger than me.
1410
01:14:40,101 --> 01:14:43,354
And I had no idea I was the old guy
until I looked at you guys.
1411
01:14:44,897 --> 01:14:47,190
It was like when I was growing up,
I had a big nose.
1412
01:14:47,191 --> 01:14:50,568
I had no idea until I went to the Gap
and saw a three-way mirror,
1413
01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:53,113
and I was like,
"Wow, I didn't know I had that thing."
1414
01:14:53,114 --> 01:14:54,239
(ALL LAUGH)
1415
01:14:54,240 --> 01:15:00,662
Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young. It
kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this.
1416
01:15:00,663 --> 01:15:04,749
Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you.
1417
01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:08,336
I had a dinner like this 20 years ago
1418
01:15:08,337 --> 01:15:12,507
with guys that we just, like,
lost touch with each other.
1419
01:15:12,508 --> 01:15:15,720
I never talk to them any more.
Some of them are dead.
1420
01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:20,891
So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away.
1421
01:15:22,435 --> 01:15:25,479
If you love somebody,
don't let them slip away.
1422
01:15:26,689 --> 01:15:28,690
I swear to you,
1423
01:15:28,691 --> 01:15:31,317
this will be
your most memorable Thanksgiving,
1424
01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:34,112
the one that you'll want the rest
of your life, the one that you say,
1425
01:15:34,113 --> 01:15:36,865
"Man, it was never as good as that night."
1426
01:15:36,866 --> 01:15:41,536
So, let this night be great.
Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls.
1427
01:15:41,537 --> 01:15:43,038
(ALL LAUGHING)
1428
01:15:43,039 --> 01:15:44,040
Rock 'n' roll!
1429
01:15:45,374 --> 01:15:49,127
Jesus, every time I'm near you
I feel like fucking Danny DeVito.
1430
01:15:49,128 --> 01:15:51,963
Everybody feels like Danny DeVito
when, you know, they walk by me.
1431
01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,214
Yeah. You're a giant.
1432
01:15:53,215 --> 01:15:54,382
(CLEARS THROAT)
1433
01:15:54,383 --> 01:15:56,218
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah.
1434
01:15:56,719 --> 01:15:57,720
Um.
1435
01:15:58,345 --> 01:16:00,555
- I don't want to get your hopes up.
- Mmm-hmm.
1436
01:16:00,556 --> 01:16:04,142
We put you on this experimental
medication without much optimism.
1437
01:16:04,143 --> 01:16:08,396
About 3% of all the people that we put
on this medication get positive results.
1438
01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:09,564
Mmm-hmm.
1439
01:16:09,565 --> 01:16:12,984
You actually belong to these 8%.
1440
01:16:12,985 --> 01:16:17,448
I looked through your blood work, and I
couldn't find any traces of the disease.
1441
01:16:18,491 --> 01:16:22,453
I don't want to speak too soon,
but we may have beaten this thing.
1442
01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:27,999
Are you fucking with me
'cause I fucked with you?
1443
01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:31,252
So, that's the good news, Mr Bond.
1444
01:16:31,253 --> 01:16:32,463
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1445
01:16:33,714 --> 01:16:36,383
So, this is, this is... This is good news.
1446
01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:41,388
- Like my accent now?
- Now I like your accent, yeah.
1447
01:16:42,056 --> 01:16:44,850
I was excited all morning
to tell you this news.
1448
01:16:45,351 --> 01:16:47,852
So, what happens now? What do I...
What do I do now?
1449
01:16:47,853 --> 01:16:51,565
Maybe you can make another funny movie
that I could laugh about.
1450
01:16:51,732 --> 01:16:57,112
Yeah. Wow.
I wasn't expecting this to really work.
1451
01:16:57,113 --> 01:16:58,530
I was getting used to being sick.
1452
01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:01,533
I was actually thinking
I was pretty good at that.
1453
01:17:01,534 --> 01:17:03,452
Get back to your life.
1454
01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:11,668
(PHONE RINGING)
1455
01:17:11,669 --> 01:17:14,170
IRA: Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in.
Leave a message.
1456
01:17:14,171 --> 01:17:15,296
(PHONE BEEPS)
1457
01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:20,928
(SINGSONG) Ira, I have a secret to
tell you. It will make you happy.
1458
01:17:39,947 --> 01:17:42,992
- Hi. Bonita?
- George.
1459
01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:49,622
I was sick, you know that.
And I just went to the doctor's.
1460
01:17:49,623 --> 01:17:53,794
- He said I'm not sick any more.
- Oh, congratulations.
1461
01:17:57,131 --> 01:18:00,593
I found the pants you're looking for.
They are in the closet.
1462
01:18:02,887 --> 01:18:06,599
- Thank you.
- Bye, George.
1463
01:18:08,392 --> 01:18:10,686
George! Is it true?
1464
01:18:11,520 --> 01:18:12,937
- It's true.
- Yes!
1465
01:18:12,938 --> 01:18:14,689
- It's all right. All right, go ahead.
- Yeah!
1466
01:18:14,690 --> 01:18:18,818
- All right.
- (LAUGHING) Oh, God! Yeah!
1467
01:18:18,819 --> 01:18:20,028
All right, baby.
1468
01:18:20,029 --> 01:18:23,240
All right, all right.
Now what the fuck do we do?
1469
01:18:25,409 --> 01:18:27,619
Hey, congratulations, George.
That's awesome, man.
1470
01:18:27,620 --> 01:18:29,288
- Thank you.
- You got cured of AIDS.
1471
01:18:29,663 --> 01:18:30,788
(LAUGHS) I didn't have AIDS.
1472
01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:33,583
Hey, let me get you a cocktail.
Hey, not an AIDS cocktail. A regular.
1473
01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:37,796
- No, I don't want a drink. I'm good.
- I'm gonna get one of them ribbons.
1474
01:18:38,380 --> 01:18:39,797
- You're alive?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1475
01:18:39,798 --> 01:18:43,009
Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man.
1476
01:18:43,010 --> 01:18:47,055
You got the women, you got the fame,
and you can't fucking die!
1477
01:18:47,056 --> 01:18:49,349
Did you suck the devil's dick?
What is it, man?
1478
01:18:49,350 --> 01:18:50,516
I wanna know the secret.
1479
01:18:50,517 --> 01:18:52,310
I actually told a bunch of people
we did have sex,
1480
01:18:52,311 --> 01:18:53,811
so if you could go along with that.
1481
01:18:53,812 --> 01:18:55,104
- You did?
- Yes.
1482
01:18:55,105 --> 01:18:59,442
Everybody wants to fuck me,
but it's better that I don't
1483
01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:00,902
because you don't want...
1484
01:19:00,903 --> 01:19:03,154
The mystery is definitely
more flattering...
1485
01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:07,075
- Yeah?
- ...and the reality is so, like, flobbety.
1486
01:19:07,076 --> 01:19:08,744
- Like not the word, but...
- Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
1487
01:19:09,161 --> 01:19:11,204
Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich.
1488
01:19:11,205 --> 01:19:14,165
Like a... There's, like, meat coming.
1489
01:19:14,166 --> 01:19:16,334
That would have been... I could get...
1490
01:19:16,335 --> 01:19:17,670
(EXCLAIMING) Look at that!
1491
01:19:18,629 --> 01:19:20,463
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!"
1492
01:19:20,464 --> 01:19:24,218
Shit! Shit! I didn't know
you had energy like that. Jesus...
1493
01:19:24,385 --> 01:19:26,219
But I think the best thing for
you would be, you know...
1494
01:19:26,220 --> 01:19:31,558
The best cure, besides the real cure,
is to get back to work and do what you do.
1495
01:19:31,976 --> 01:19:34,060
There are stacks of offers
on my desk for you.
1496
01:19:34,061 --> 01:19:37,063
I mean, you can't swing a dead cat
without hitting an offer for you.
1497
01:19:37,064 --> 01:19:38,648
- Good.
- Yeah, you ready for this?
1498
01:19:38,649 --> 01:19:40,817
Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you.
1499
01:19:40,818 --> 01:19:43,987
I think I might... I just might
even not work for a little while.
1500
01:19:43,988 --> 01:19:45,571
I was thinking maybe just, like,
taking time off,
1501
01:19:45,572 --> 01:19:51,202
try to get myself in a relationship with,
like, another human being, a normal one.
1502
01:19:51,203 --> 01:19:52,370
Just see if I can handle that.
1503
01:19:52,371 --> 01:19:55,164
Funny you should say that. I've...
'Cause I invited someone.
1504
01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:57,667
Brought... invited this woman
here today that I think you'd really like.
1505
01:19:57,668 --> 01:19:58,793
I think you'd really hit it off with her.
1506
01:19:58,794 --> 01:20:01,337
She's... She's great.
She's something new for you.
1507
01:20:01,338 --> 01:20:03,631
A real person. She's not a waitress.
1508
01:20:03,632 --> 01:20:05,884
- She's not an actress.
- All right, thanks.
1509
01:20:06,385 --> 01:20:10,222
You know, the internet dating thing
actually... Actually kind of works.
1510
01:20:10,639 --> 01:20:13,224
- That's good.
- I've actually been on a couple of JDates.
1511
01:20:13,225 --> 01:20:15,727
- No way. What's that?
- Yeah... What's a JDate?
1512
01:20:15,728 --> 01:20:17,854
What, is that an internet thing
I should know about?
1513
01:20:17,855 --> 01:20:19,522
I'm not... I don't do that shit.
1514
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:22,692
It's a website where Jewish people
can find each other.
1515
01:20:22,693 --> 01:20:25,028
- Really? A whole list of Jewish people?
- Yeah.
1516
01:20:25,029 --> 01:20:28,240
I didn't think Jewish people
liked to be on lists.
1517
01:20:29,783 --> 01:20:31,744
Because of the Holocaust.
1518
01:20:33,454 --> 01:20:36,415
- Wow.
- How's this going, by the way?
1519
01:20:37,708 --> 01:20:39,793
It's been great to meet you.
1520
01:20:41,462 --> 01:20:44,256
You know what? I think you fucked up.
1521
01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:48,885
- How's that?
- I think you fucked up. I think...
1522
01:20:48,886 --> 01:20:50,011
(SIGHS)
1523
01:20:50,012 --> 01:20:51,929
I don't think you should have
took that medicine.
1524
01:20:51,930 --> 01:20:53,098
Why not?
1525
01:20:54,475 --> 01:20:57,436
I don't know. Personally, I think you
should have just let yourself die.
1526
01:20:57,603 --> 01:20:59,395
Honestly, man, what are...
What are you gonna do now?
1527
01:20:59,396 --> 01:21:01,606
Make another bullshit movie?
1528
01:21:01,607 --> 01:21:03,900
Fuck another chick who doesn't like you?
1529
01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:06,069
You know?
That was your way out right there.
1530
01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:07,737
- Hmm.
- Now you're fucking stuck.
1531
01:21:07,738 --> 01:21:08,863
Yeah.
1532
01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:10,615
You're stuck just like me.
1533
01:21:10,616 --> 01:21:14,827
Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. I can't
go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy.
1534
01:21:14,828 --> 01:21:18,290
I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart.
You fucking name it, I can't go there.
1535
01:21:18,457 --> 01:21:19,582
Yeah, that's true.
1536
01:21:19,583 --> 01:21:21,834
Everyone in this fucking room
is either staring at us,
1537
01:21:21,835 --> 01:21:23,295
wanting to take a fucking picture.
1538
01:21:23,921 --> 01:21:26,422
- Yeah. Got it.
- E-mail that to me.
1539
01:21:26,423 --> 01:21:28,591
- I will. That's awesome.
- Yeah.
1540
01:21:28,592 --> 01:21:32,471
Who the fuck is that guy right there?
That fucking guy right there.
1541
01:21:32,679 --> 01:21:34,931
What? Ray Romano's bothering you?
1542
01:21:34,932 --> 01:21:36,307
Who? Ray, Ray who?
1543
01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,893
Ray Romano,
the guy item Everybody Loves Raymond.
1544
01:21:38,894 --> 01:21:42,021
I don't give a fuck what show he's on.
I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man!
1545
01:21:42,022 --> 01:21:44,273
- Hey.
- Hey, Ray!
1546
01:21:44,274 --> 01:21:46,693
- Hello, Marshall.
- Fucking problem here, buddy?
1547
01:21:47,653 --> 01:21:50,780
Would you like to fuck me?
Is that what this is?
1548
01:21:50,781 --> 01:21:51,948
I don't get it, man. What's going on?
1549
01:21:51,949 --> 01:21:55,159
Would you like me to fucking
bend over for you right now?
1550
01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:56,745
- (WHISPERING) Say no.
- No, man.
1551
01:21:57,246 --> 01:21:58,371
(EXHALES)
1552
01:21:58,372 --> 01:21:59,872
I just gotta always be on my toes, man.
1553
01:21:59,873 --> 01:22:00,998
You know?
1554
01:22:00,999 --> 01:22:02,500
(SCOFFS) I see that, but not
with Ray Romano.
1555
01:22:02,501 --> 01:22:06,505
- This is why I don't go out of the house.
- I thought everybody loved you.
1556
01:22:07,923 --> 01:22:12,760
So, now that you got this, this second
chance, man, like, what do you want?
1557
01:22:12,761 --> 01:22:14,555
I kind of don't want anything.
1558
01:22:15,722 --> 01:22:17,558
So, then what are we celebrating?
1559
01:22:26,066 --> 01:22:27,860
(PHONE RINGING)
1560
01:22:30,112 --> 01:22:32,196
- Clarke?
- (IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke.
1561
01:22:32,197 --> 01:22:35,575
It's Clarke and I...
I'm calling to check on you, matey.
1562
01:22:35,576 --> 01:22:36,868
(LAURA LAUGHING)
1563
01:22:36,869 --> 01:22:38,202
Yeah.
1564
01:22:38,203 --> 01:22:43,166
I'm back from the sea.
It's fun to play with my didjeridu!
1565
01:22:43,167 --> 01:22:45,626
(IMITATING PIRATE) You sound
a little bit like a pirate.
1566
01:22:45,627 --> 01:22:49,172
Do I sound Australian?
Is this what Clarke sounds like?
1567
01:22:49,173 --> 01:22:51,716
That's a terrible Australian accent.
1568
01:22:51,717 --> 01:22:52,842
What are you doing, Laura?
1569
01:22:52,843 --> 01:22:54,385
- Am I bothering you? Is he there?
- No, no, no, no, no.
1570
01:22:54,386 --> 01:22:56,096
Am I supposed to hang up?
What's going on?
1571
01:22:56,305 --> 01:22:59,182
Clarke's away for business in China.
1572
01:22:59,183 --> 01:23:01,392
Sent him out for egg rolls again?
1573
01:23:01,393 --> 01:23:03,854
Are you guys all right? What's going on?
1574
01:23:04,271 --> 01:23:06,272
Mable has her recital tomorrow.
1575
01:23:06,273 --> 01:23:08,900
- She's singing Memory from Cats.
- Oh, yeah?
1576
01:23:08,901 --> 01:23:12,111
- You know that song, Memory?
- Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that.
1577
01:23:12,112 --> 01:23:15,239
- You can come.
- I can come? All right, I'm coming.
1578
01:23:15,240 --> 01:23:16,491
Your daughter will be all right with that?
1579
01:23:16,492 --> 01:23:18,743
That I'm sitting right next to you
holding you tight?
1580
01:23:18,744 --> 01:23:23,414
- Stop. How are you feeling?
- I'm doing good. I'm doing...
1581
01:23:23,415 --> 01:23:26,835
- It is what it is. I...
- So, what happened with your tests?
1582
01:23:27,503 --> 01:23:30,881
- Laura, let's not talk about all that.
- What did the doctor say?
1583
01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:35,760
The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news.
1584
01:23:35,761 --> 01:23:38,430
It is what it is. I don't
want to talk about it.
1585
01:23:39,473 --> 01:23:41,933
Come on, let's just talk about you.
1586
01:23:41,934 --> 01:23:46,146
- What are you doing, Laura?
- Do you want me to talk you to sleep?
1587
01:23:46,605 --> 01:23:48,565
Oh, my God. You remember.
1588
01:23:50,192 --> 01:23:51,609
You want me to do that for you?
1589
01:23:51,610 --> 01:23:53,194
You will talk to me
while I try to go to sleep?
1590
01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:56,155
I'll put you on speakerphone.
That will be the best night of my life.
1591
01:23:56,156 --> 01:23:59,409
Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please.
Just talk to Laura.
1592
01:24:00,911 --> 01:24:02,078
IRA: Hello?
1593
01:24:02,079 --> 01:24:04,331
- Hi, Ira.
- Hey, how's it going?
1594
01:24:04,915 --> 01:24:08,210
- Ira, you're my best friend.
- (LAUGHS) I like you, too.
1595
01:24:08,377 --> 01:24:12,088
- You're my best friend.
- You sound like you're in a good mood, man.
1596
01:24:12,089 --> 01:24:14,632
(IMITATING PIRATE) I'm in a great mood
because we're setting sail today.
1597
01:24:14,633 --> 01:24:19,054
We're gonna do a gig together!
Ira and Georgie, finally on the road!
1598
01:24:19,221 --> 01:24:22,890
We're setting sail, are we?
Where, where are we going?
1599
01:24:22,891 --> 01:24:27,395
We're going to the Port of San Francisco.
We set sail on the morrow.
1600
01:24:27,396 --> 01:24:28,854
How much time am I supposed to do?
1601
01:24:28,855 --> 01:24:33,401
Oh, they've booked you to do a minute
for every inch of cock you have.
1602
01:24:33,402 --> 01:24:36,070
You'll be doing
two and a half to four minutes,
1603
01:24:36,071 --> 01:24:38,615
depending on your mood, little Ira.
1604
01:24:41,743 --> 01:24:43,953
George, you have a visitor.
1605
01:24:43,954 --> 01:24:44,955
GEORGE: Oh.
1606
01:24:45,789 --> 01:24:47,832
- Hi.
- Whoa!
1607
01:24:47,833 --> 01:24:48,958
- LAURA: Hello.
- Wow.
1608
01:24:48,959 --> 01:24:50,418
- Hey, hi!
- Hey!
1609
01:24:50,419 --> 01:24:51,919
- All right.
- How are you?
1610
01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,922
- LAURA: I'm good.
- I'm so psyched you came.
1611
01:24:54,923 --> 01:24:56,924
- Wow, you look amazing!
- Thank you.
1612
01:24:56,925 --> 01:24:58,759
- Beautiful.
- I think I overdressed.
1613
01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,220
- No way. You look incredible.
- I just...
1614
01:25:01,221 --> 01:25:04,098
Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke?
1615
01:25:04,099 --> 01:25:08,269
The Clarke? He's out of town.
I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me,
1616
01:25:08,270 --> 01:25:10,479
but her son started throwing up, so...
1617
01:25:10,480 --> 01:25:13,316
The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting.
Rock 'n' roll.
1618
01:25:13,317 --> 01:25:16,861
(LAUGHING) I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
1619
01:25:16,862 --> 01:25:18,321
Anyway, I don't want to keep you
1620
01:25:18,322 --> 01:25:21,073
- or get in the way.
- No, don't run away. Come on, Ira, say hello.
1621
01:25:21,074 --> 01:25:23,284
- Hey, Ira.
- Hey, how's it going?
1622
01:25:23,285 --> 01:25:25,995
So, I'll let you go. I
just wanted to say hi.
1623
01:25:25,996 --> 01:25:27,872
No cursing. Don't curse so much.
1624
01:25:27,873 --> 01:25:30,082
Okay, all right! Nothing dirty.
I don't know how.
1625
01:25:30,083 --> 01:25:33,210
You just cut my set in half,
but that's fine. All right, see you, kid.
1626
01:25:33,211 --> 01:25:35,922
- Okay, good luck.
- Thanks for coming.
1627
01:25:37,966 --> 01:25:41,385
You gotta tell her I'm better
at intermission, all right?
1628
01:25:41,386 --> 01:25:44,764
- You haven't told her that you're better?
- No, I'm not good at stuff like that.
1629
01:25:44,765 --> 01:25:46,974
Just... She'll be cool with it.
She'll be...
1630
01:25:46,975 --> 01:25:50,227
You're giving her good news,
she'll be happy.
1631
01:25:50,228 --> 01:25:51,562
We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too.
1632
01:25:51,563 --> 01:25:52,730
(SIGHS)
1633
01:25:52,731 --> 01:25:54,857
Yeah, we're just visiting her.
I just want to say hi,
1634
01:25:54,858 --> 01:25:56,777
see how she's doing, where she lives,
that kind of thing.
1635
01:25:57,069 --> 01:25:59,529
Why did you guys break up
in the first place?
1636
01:26:00,280 --> 01:26:03,699
- I cheated on her.
- Why would you cheat on her?
1637
01:26:03,700 --> 01:26:08,079
It's easy not to cheat when no one
wants to fuck you, you judgemental prick.
1638
01:26:08,080 --> 01:26:09,122
Okay.
1639
01:26:09,456 --> 01:26:14,794
I have a theory that Tom Cruise,
David Beckham and Will Smith
1640
01:26:14,795 --> 01:26:16,712
have mooshed
the heads of their penises together.
1641
01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:18,215
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1642
01:26:19,091 --> 01:26:22,176
I think that this has happened.
I don't think it happened in a gay way.
1643
01:26:22,177 --> 01:26:25,680
I think it just happened out of boredom.
I think just rich-dude boredom.
1644
01:26:25,681 --> 01:26:29,225
Just like, "What have we not done, guys?
We've done everything!"
1645
01:26:29,226 --> 01:26:31,811
"I'll tell you one thing we haven't done."
1646
01:26:31,812 --> 01:26:35,356
And I bet when it happened,
it was an epic occurrence. It was huge.
1647
01:26:35,357 --> 01:26:36,565
I think of it all the time.
1648
01:26:36,566 --> 01:26:38,943
I think first, you know,
David and Tom touched dick heads.
1649
01:26:38,944 --> 01:26:43,115
And it was easy, just zoonk.
Because there was a magnetic field to it.
1650
01:26:43,323 --> 01:26:45,199
And then Will Smith started
approaching with his dick
1651
01:26:45,200 --> 01:26:47,159
and, like, wind started
blowing in his face,
1652
01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:52,039
and paper started flying everywhere
and he just couldn't do it.
1653
01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:55,167
And they're like, "Come on, Will,get it in there!" "I can't do it!"
1654
01:26:55,168 --> 01:26:56,293
Beckham yells,
1655
01:26:56,294 --> 01:26:59,339
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross
the streams! It's like Ghost Busters?"
1656
01:26:59,548 --> 01:27:02,007
And then he does it and Flash by Queenstarts playing.
1657
01:27:02,008 --> 01:27:03,343
It's just, Flash!
1658
01:27:03,760 --> 01:27:08,265
Light shoots into the sky!
That's how stars are born, I think.
1659
01:27:09,307 --> 01:27:12,978
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night.
Thank you, all, very much.
1660
01:27:20,026 --> 01:27:22,654
- IRA: Hey. How's it going?
- That was so good!
1661
01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:25,156
You seem so surprised.
1662
01:27:25,157 --> 01:27:27,658
- Well, you looked so nervous before.
- I was, actually.
1663
01:27:27,659 --> 01:27:30,369
- That was good. That was really good.
- Thank you. I appreciate that.
1664
01:27:30,370 --> 01:27:33,873
And the ball cleavage thing,
that was hilarious.
1665
01:27:33,874 --> 01:27:37,335
Classic stuff. Thank you.
Glad you're having fun.
1666
01:27:39,796 --> 01:27:41,881
George says that he's known
you for a while. How did...
1667
01:27:41,882 --> 01:27:43,799
- Yeah.
- How did you guys first hook up?
1668
01:27:43,800 --> 01:27:46,261
I was the hat-check girl at the Improv
and I was an actress.
1669
01:27:46,595 --> 01:27:47,845
- So, you kind of...
- Yeah, yeah.
1670
01:27:47,846 --> 01:27:51,056
That's good.
What, were you in anything I might've seen?
1671
01:27:51,057 --> 01:27:55,895
I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210.
1672
01:27:55,896 --> 01:27:58,147
- Awesome.
- I always played the bitch.
1673
01:27:58,148 --> 01:27:59,398
I wasn't that good, actually.
1674
01:27:59,399 --> 01:28:02,318
No, you must be a great actress,
'cause you're not at all bitchy, so...
1675
01:28:02,319 --> 01:28:03,652
(LAUGHS)
1676
01:28:03,653 --> 01:28:04,820
Thanks, Ira.
1677
01:28:04,821 --> 01:28:09,700
Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly,
I'm not supposed to be telling you
1678
01:28:09,701 --> 01:28:12,495
what I'm about to tell you because
George... He doesn't want to jinx it.
1679
01:28:12,496 --> 01:28:16,916
It's not 100%, but the last time
that he went to the doctor,
1680
01:28:16,917 --> 01:28:21,003
they couldn't find any trace of the disease
in his blood work any more,
1681
01:28:21,004 --> 01:28:24,799
- so it seems like he might be better.
- What are you talking about?
1682
01:28:24,800 --> 01:28:26,133
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
1683
01:28:26,134 --> 01:28:27,551
We think he might be okay.
1684
01:28:27,552 --> 01:28:29,762
...George Simmons!
1685
01:28:29,763 --> 01:28:32,140
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
1686
01:28:40,899 --> 01:28:42,316
Thank you.
1687
01:28:42,317 --> 01:28:45,904
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
1688
01:28:48,031 --> 01:28:49,866
It's great to be here.
1689
01:28:51,159 --> 01:28:53,995
It's great. It's great to be alive!
1690
01:28:55,622 --> 01:28:58,666
Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay.
1691
01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:01,001
- MAN: Thank you for coming, George!
- Thank you. All right.
1692
01:29:01,002 --> 01:29:03,630
That's very nice. Man, oh, man.
1693
01:29:04,381 --> 01:29:07,800
Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight?
In their 40s?
1694
01:29:07,801 --> 01:29:11,387
It's funny. In your 20s you're like,
"Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit.
1695
01:29:11,388 --> 01:29:13,889
"Fuck my parents.
I don't need none of that shit."
1696
01:29:13,890 --> 01:29:18,143
In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President.
Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole."
1697
01:29:18,144 --> 01:29:20,479
In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry.
1698
01:29:20,480 --> 01:29:21,772
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1699
01:29:21,773 --> 01:29:24,149
"What do we have in the fridge?"
1700
01:29:24,150 --> 01:29:26,569
Well, why didn't you tell me?
I was just here.
1701
01:29:26,570 --> 01:29:29,280
Laura, if I told you, you might not
have talked to me any more, so I...
1702
01:29:29,281 --> 01:29:31,115
What are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.
1703
01:29:31,116 --> 01:29:33,075
I knew you forgave me because I was sick
1704
01:29:33,076 --> 01:29:34,952
and there was no other way
you would forgive me.
1705
01:29:34,953 --> 01:29:38,747
I know, but it's different now.
We've been talking... What are you... No!
1706
01:29:38,748 --> 01:29:41,918
- Really?
- This is... So, what are you... So, did the...
1707
01:29:42,335 --> 01:29:44,378
The doctor said I'm good.
I'm better for now.
1708
01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:47,966
I don't know what the hell's gonna happen,
but for now the guy said I'm good.
1709
01:29:49,509 --> 01:29:50,552
(SIGHS)
1710
01:29:51,011 --> 01:29:53,930
- I'm so happy.
- You are happy?
1711
01:29:55,015 --> 01:29:57,309
- Mmm-hmm.
- God, thank you. Thank you.
1712
01:30:07,986 --> 01:30:10,030
GEORGE: All right. Yeah.
1713
01:30:11,364 --> 01:30:12,365
(SIGHS)
1714
01:30:15,452 --> 01:30:18,121
- You okay, man?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
1715
01:30:18,455 --> 01:30:19,580
(EXHALES)
1716
01:30:19,581 --> 01:30:21,206
I hope they got some food.
1717
01:30:21,207 --> 01:30:22,500
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
1718
01:30:23,001 --> 01:30:24,002
Hey, hey.
1719
01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:25,961
- Hi!
- Hi.
1720
01:30:25,962 --> 01:30:29,465
I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi.
1721
01:30:29,466 --> 01:30:31,133
- Good to see you. Wow.
- Hi. How's it going?
1722
01:30:31,134 --> 01:30:34,554
- Hello, Ira.
- Oh! Thank you.
1723
01:30:35,722 --> 01:30:38,933
- Jeez. Beautiful house!
- Thank you.
1724
01:30:38,934 --> 01:30:41,143
How long have you guys been here?
1725
01:30:41,144 --> 01:30:43,437
We've been here about five years now.
1726
01:30:43,438 --> 01:30:44,563
(SNARLS)
1727
01:30:44,564 --> 01:30:48,484
- What's up?
- This is my friend, George. And this is Ira.
1728
01:30:48,485 --> 01:30:49,777
This is Ingrid.
1729
01:30:49,778 --> 01:30:52,989
Wow! George didn't mention
you had a daughter.
1730
01:30:53,865 --> 01:30:57,869
- GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies?
- I saw the movie where you had a baby body.
1731
01:30:58,036 --> 01:31:01,081
So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face?
1732
01:31:02,499 --> 01:31:04,668
(BOTH BABBLING)
1733
01:31:09,381 --> 01:31:11,216
GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression.
1734
01:31:11,591 --> 01:31:13,384
Don't leave me in the playroom!
1735
01:31:13,385 --> 01:31:15,762
This is my daughter, Mable.
She just got braces.
1736
01:31:16,137 --> 01:31:17,138
Oh, yeah? Let me see them.
1737
01:31:17,639 --> 01:31:20,892
You mind if I eat
a little bit of that sandwich right there?
1738
01:31:22,602 --> 01:31:24,478
- Ira?
- I'm... I'm full.
1739
01:31:24,479 --> 01:31:26,480
Do you guys want to play
the peanut-butter game?
1740
01:31:26,481 --> 01:31:28,691
It's fun. You want to play?
1741
01:31:28,692 --> 01:31:30,192
- Let's do it!
- Ira?
1742
01:31:30,193 --> 01:31:32,695
- Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah.
- Let's do the peanut-butter game!
1743
01:31:32,696 --> 01:31:33,946
- All right!
- Hooray!
1744
01:31:33,947 --> 01:31:36,992
Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game!
1745
01:31:37,200 --> 01:31:38,409
Okay, just put a little bit.
1746
01:31:38,410 --> 01:31:39,535
MABLE: Okay.
GEORGE: What's she doing?
1747
01:31:39,536 --> 01:31:40,661
A little bit.
1748
01:31:40,662 --> 01:31:41,954
(LAUGHING)
1749
01:31:41,955 --> 01:31:43,539
Okay, okay. I think that's good.
1750
01:31:43,540 --> 01:31:46,500
This is what you guys do
in your free time? Okay.
1751
01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:47,876
MABLE: There he is!
GEORGE: Oh, boy.
1752
01:31:47,877 --> 01:31:49,003
LAURA: Come on.
1753
01:31:49,004 --> 01:31:50,337
(LAUGHING)
1754
01:31:50,338 --> 01:31:52,172
GEORGE: He got her. He got her.
1755
01:31:52,173 --> 01:31:54,092
(EXCLAIMING)
1756
01:31:55,719 --> 01:31:57,511
Oh, so, you're supposed
to do it on the ears.
1757
01:31:57,512 --> 01:31:59,430
- LAURA: George's turn!
- Yeah! George's turn!
1758
01:31:59,431 --> 01:32:00,639
No. I don't want to do that.
1759
01:32:00,640 --> 01:32:02,349
- LAURA: Yeah, George's turn!
- No, Ira will go. Let Ira go.
1760
01:32:02,350 --> 01:32:03,851
No, no, George.
1761
01:32:03,852 --> 01:32:05,186
- Come on.
- Okay, all right!
1762
01:32:05,770 --> 01:32:07,771
I just washed my hair this morning.
1763
01:32:07,772 --> 01:32:09,399
BOTH: George! George! George! George!
1764
01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:11,692
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
1765
01:32:11,693 --> 01:32:13,778
Oh, God!
1766
01:32:15,905 --> 01:32:17,031
No!
1767
01:32:17,032 --> 01:32:19,199
- Just not the...
- Look at this.
1768
01:32:19,200 --> 01:32:20,743
GEORGE: That's not the game!
1769
01:32:20,744 --> 01:32:22,078
(ALL CHEERING)
1770
01:32:26,624 --> 01:32:31,420
- And we have a pond with a Buddha and...
- Wow!
1771
01:32:31,421 --> 01:32:33,423
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
1772
01:32:35,300 --> 01:32:36,759
Does that hurt?
1773
01:32:36,760 --> 01:32:39,678
So, what... Who is a good...
You're a good guy, you're a bad guy?
1774
01:32:39,679 --> 01:32:41,139
(EXCLAIMING)
1775
01:33:00,658 --> 01:33:05,954
- Now I go.
- And now I go.
1776
01:33:05,955 --> 01:33:08,207
You can't move. You're stuck.
1777
01:33:08,208 --> 01:33:09,333
- Ira.
- IRA: Hey.
1778
01:33:09,334 --> 01:33:12,003
Hey, Laura asked if we want
to eat dinner here tonight.
1779
01:33:12,754 --> 01:33:15,923
Oh, thank you. What... We...
1780
01:33:15,924 --> 01:33:17,174
It's like an eight-hour drive back.
1781
01:33:17,175 --> 01:33:19,927
We won't get home till
like 5:00 in the morning that way.
1782
01:33:19,928 --> 01:33:21,053
GEORGE: We'll figure something out.
1783
01:33:21,054 --> 01:33:24,848
So, we're gonna go to the grocery store
and get some food so I can cook.
1784
01:33:24,849 --> 01:33:28,769
- Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
- Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls?
1785
01:33:28,770 --> 01:33:30,562
Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids.
1786
01:33:30,563 --> 01:33:33,565
I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp
counsellor for five years.
1787
01:33:33,566 --> 01:33:35,025
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
1788
01:33:35,026 --> 01:33:37,528
But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too.
1789
01:33:37,529 --> 01:33:39,947
Okay, so we'll be right back.
It's around the corner.
1790
01:33:39,948 --> 01:33:41,199
GEORGE: Very good.
1791
01:33:49,040 --> 01:33:51,876
Should I have worn my jogging shoes?
Where are we going?
1792
01:34:04,097 --> 01:34:07,182
You sure? You sure you want to do this?
1793
01:34:07,183 --> 01:34:09,101
Wherever my husband is,
he's probably doing the same thing.
1794
01:34:09,102 --> 01:34:10,227
Mmm-hmm.
1795
01:34:10,228 --> 01:34:11,271
Okay.
1796
01:34:12,981 --> 01:34:13,982
Jesus.
1797
01:34:14,732 --> 01:34:15,733
(SIGHS)
1798
01:34:17,235 --> 01:34:18,819
Echo, echo, echo.
1799
01:34:18,820 --> 01:34:20,238
(LAUGHING)
1800
01:34:23,741 --> 01:34:24,950
You know, when I broke up with you,
1801
01:34:24,951 --> 01:34:28,830
I tried to find somebody
who was the exact opposite of you.
1802
01:34:31,457 --> 01:34:33,918
But Clarke is exactly like you.
1803
01:34:35,420 --> 01:34:38,840
It's like I'm programmed
to find the same person,
1804
01:34:39,883 --> 01:34:43,303
like there's some lesson I'm
supposed to learn from it all.
1805
01:34:44,929 --> 01:34:47,390
How many times did you cheat on me?
1806
01:34:48,057 --> 01:34:51,143
I don't want to paint a picture.
1807
01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:55,231
I was young and stupid, but I changed,
I swear to God.
1808
01:34:56,524 --> 01:34:59,151
How exactly have you changed?
1809
01:34:59,152 --> 01:35:03,364
I got a peek at something
most people only get to see once.
1810
01:35:05,491 --> 01:35:08,160
You know,
I went to a psychic who told me that...
1811
01:35:08,161 --> 01:35:12,664
That you and I would get back together
when we were 70.
1812
01:35:12,665 --> 01:35:15,043
And she also said not to eat any chicken.
1813
01:35:15,793 --> 01:35:18,504
- Well, we couldn't wait.
- Mmm-hmm.
1814
01:35:18,796 --> 01:35:23,092
- You loved me before anybody loved me.
- I know.
1815
01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:32,143
This is the only place
that I ever wanted to be.
1816
01:35:33,102 --> 01:35:37,732
- When is George gonna die?
- George is gonna die?
1817
01:35:39,776 --> 01:35:42,027
No. Why would you guys say that?
1818
01:35:42,028 --> 01:35:45,322
I heard my mom talking to her friend
on the phone, and she was crying.
1819
01:35:45,323 --> 01:35:47,199
I don't want George to die.
1820
01:35:47,200 --> 01:35:50,035
- Why do you care? You just met him.
- Shut up.
1821
01:35:50,036 --> 01:35:51,995
- You shut up!
- Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys.
1822
01:35:51,996 --> 01:35:53,497
George is not gonna die.
1823
01:35:53,498 --> 01:35:57,417
George, he was sick,
but he went to the doctor
1824
01:35:57,418 --> 01:35:59,044
and they gave him
different types of medicine
1825
01:35:59,045 --> 01:36:00,629
until they found one that worked.
1826
01:36:00,630 --> 01:36:04,300
And now he's gonna be just fine.
He's gonna live a really, really long time.
1827
01:36:04,550 --> 01:36:06,552
I think my mommy loves him.
1828
01:36:07,720 --> 01:36:12,474
Well, you know, we all love him.
He's made a lot of great movies.
1829
01:36:12,475 --> 01:36:17,271
- I think she loves him, like, loves him.
- Love. Love, love, love.
1830
01:36:17,272 --> 01:36:21,066
(SINGING) Love, love, loveThey're gonna have a baby.
1831
01:36:21,067 --> 01:36:25,822
They're gonna have a baby
Baby, marriage, love.
1832
01:36:26,698 --> 01:36:29,450
They're gonna have a little merman baby.
1833
01:36:34,330 --> 01:36:38,083
You saved my acting reel?
I was wondering where this was.
1834
01:36:38,084 --> 01:36:40,919
- Why didn't you give this to me?
- 'Cause I was watching it.
1835
01:36:40,920 --> 01:36:43,755
You know, I always get the feeling that
you think I'm stupid or something.
1836
01:36:43,756 --> 01:36:46,049
LAURA: Look at my hair!
I look like a leprechaun.
1837
01:36:46,050 --> 01:36:48,385
- No.
- LAURA ON TV: I am stupid.
1838
01:36:48,386 --> 01:36:50,637
Ooh! Is my voice still that high?
1839
01:36:50,638 --> 01:36:54,016
No! No, no, no, no. No, but they
need you back in Munchkinville.
1840
01:36:54,017 --> 01:36:56,978
- (LAUGHS) They miss the mayor.
- LAURA: Shut up!
1841
01:36:57,395 --> 01:36:59,772
That was the best time in my life.
1842
01:37:00,231 --> 01:37:02,817
I got something else for you.
You might remember these.
1843
01:37:03,693 --> 01:37:05,110
Please tell me you do!
1844
01:37:05,111 --> 01:37:06,112
(GASPS)
1845
01:37:06,696 --> 01:37:09,740
- Are these my favourite butt jeans?
- Yes. Yes. Yes.
1846
01:37:09,741 --> 01:37:11,908
- Really?
- Yeah, you can have them back.
1847
01:37:11,909 --> 01:37:13,285
- I'm so excited!
- Yeah.
1848
01:37:13,286 --> 01:37:14,828
Do you think they still fit me?
1849
01:37:14,829 --> 01:37:17,122
- I guarantee it.
- I'm so happy!
1850
01:37:17,123 --> 01:37:19,833
I guarantee it. Get in those.
1851
01:37:19,834 --> 01:37:21,669
- These used to kill me.
- Oh, my God, they're so faded.
1852
01:37:22,128 --> 01:37:24,463
- Shit!
- They fit!
1853
01:37:24,464 --> 01:37:25,964
- They look good!
- Really?
1854
01:37:25,965 --> 01:37:27,591
Yeah, that's the same ass!
1855
01:37:27,592 --> 01:37:31,762
Fucking ass is perfect.
Minus that camel coming out the back.
1856
01:37:31,763 --> 01:37:33,972
(SINGING) Bump and groove it.
1857
01:37:33,973 --> 01:37:36,850
To the left now
To the right, y'all.
1858
01:37:36,851 --> 01:37:38,353
Slap that shit!
1859
01:37:38,561 --> 01:37:40,312
(BEATBOXING)
1860
01:37:40,313 --> 01:37:46,193
- Look at that! They're like Mom jeans.
- Yes. If Mom needed to get banged again.
1861
01:37:46,194 --> 01:37:48,613
- Thank you.
- Yeah, get over here.
1862
01:37:52,658 --> 01:37:55,161
Don't leave me. Don't leave me.
1863
01:37:58,122 --> 01:37:59,123
(DOOR CLOSES)
1864
01:38:00,666 --> 01:38:03,460
Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long?
1865
01:38:03,461 --> 01:38:06,046
We were
checking out the town, man. Beautiful!
1866
01:38:06,047 --> 01:38:07,297
Where are the groceries?
1867
01:38:07,298 --> 01:38:10,343
We decided that eating in
might be more fun.
1868
01:38:10,968 --> 01:38:14,847
(SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't.
How could you do that, man? No.
1869
01:38:15,348 --> 01:38:18,935
- I didn't do anything, Ira.
- No, I know you did it. I know you did.
1870
01:38:19,102 --> 01:38:21,561
All that's missing is your Popsicle.
Come on.
1871
01:38:21,562 --> 01:38:24,815
Ira, are you cranky right now?
Do you need food in your belly?
1872
01:38:24,816 --> 01:38:26,818
- No.
- Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza.
1873
01:38:28,111 --> 01:38:31,321
(CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr... Peters.
1874
01:38:31,322 --> 01:38:32,781
I'll be at the...
1875
01:38:32,782 --> 01:38:34,575
(COUGHS) Lunch meeting.
1876
01:38:35,952 --> 01:38:38,370
You're serving seafood?
1877
01:38:38,371 --> 01:38:40,081
(WHIMPERING)
1878
01:38:40,873 --> 01:38:42,750
I love seafood!
1879
01:38:43,418 --> 01:38:45,169
Okay, see you there!
1880
01:38:47,296 --> 01:38:48,922
- Pizza's here!
- Yeah.
1881
01:38:48,923 --> 01:38:50,424
- I'll be right back.
- Yes.
1882
01:38:50,425 --> 01:38:52,217
I'm the pizza monster!
1883
01:38:52,218 --> 01:38:53,594
(EXCLAIMING)
1884
01:38:56,013 --> 01:38:57,515
Hi, honey!
1885
01:38:58,307 --> 01:38:59,766
- Clarke.
- Hi, sweetie.
1886
01:38:59,767 --> 01:39:03,895
- Hi. What are you doing here?
- Decided to surprise you.
1887
01:39:03,896 --> 01:39:06,731
The guy I was meant to have
the meeting with had a heart attack
1888
01:39:06,732 --> 01:39:08,108
while I was waiting in reception for him.
1889
01:39:08,109 --> 01:39:09,651
- It was unbelievable.
- Wow.
1890
01:39:09,652 --> 01:39:12,613
Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney
guy comes running past with, like, the...
1891
01:39:13,197 --> 01:39:14,573
What's it called? A defibrillator?
1892
01:39:14,574 --> 01:39:15,825
- Starts zapping him.
- Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
1893
01:39:15,992 --> 01:39:18,410
It was like an episode of ER,
but with Chinamen.
1894
01:39:18,411 --> 01:39:20,413
I missed you.
1895
01:39:25,501 --> 01:39:28,086
- I know you.
- Yes.
1896
01:39:28,087 --> 01:39:29,254
(CLEARS THROAT)
1897
01:39:29,255 --> 01:39:30,465
How you doing?
1898
01:39:31,007 --> 01:39:32,424
This is George Simmons.
1899
01:39:32,425 --> 01:39:35,011
- He had a big comedy concert last night.
- Oh, okay.
1900
01:39:35,261 --> 01:39:38,055
And so, I asked him to pop by
and come visit.
1901
01:39:39,348 --> 01:39:42,435
- Hope that's good. I...
- I love the stand-up comedy.
1902
01:39:42,768 --> 01:39:44,478
- Yeah, yeah.
- How'd it go?
1903
01:39:44,479 --> 01:39:48,773
They didn't... They didn't boo me
off the stage, so that was a plus.
1904
01:39:48,774 --> 01:39:52,068
Yeah, they're a bunch
of bloody cheese eaters up here.
1905
01:39:52,069 --> 01:39:53,904
Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah.
1906
01:39:53,905 --> 01:39:56,490
You have a...
You have a very nice family, man,
1907
01:39:56,491 --> 01:39:59,618
- and a great, great home.
- Thank you.
1908
01:39:59,619 --> 01:40:02,746
Well, it's good to have you home.
The kids are dying to see you if...
1909
01:40:02,747 --> 01:40:06,833
- Ira's hungry for...
- G'day. Clarke.
1910
01:40:06,834 --> 01:40:08,585
Good day, I'm Ira.
1911
01:40:08,586 --> 01:40:10,253
- Your husband's here.
- LAURA: Yeah. Yep.
1912
01:40:10,254 --> 01:40:13,840
Ira is George's opening act.
He's really funny.
1913
01:40:13,841 --> 01:40:15,635
Really? He looks funny!
1914
01:40:16,636 --> 01:40:19,262
- Thank you.
- How'd you go last night?
1915
01:40:19,263 --> 01:40:21,890
You know,
they didn't boo me off or anything, so...
1916
01:40:21,891 --> 01:40:23,308
(SOFTLY) I just said that one.
1917
01:40:23,309 --> 01:40:25,227
- It was great.
- Yeah.
1918
01:40:25,228 --> 01:40:27,521
They just popped by,
I gave them a tour of the house.
1919
01:40:27,522 --> 01:40:29,314
We were gonna have dinner, but it's not...
1920
01:40:29,315 --> 01:40:31,483
It's probably better
that we do family dinner
1921
01:40:31,484 --> 01:40:33,902
- since you're only in town a few days.
- No, stay. That's a great idea.
1922
01:40:33,903 --> 01:40:36,322
- The more the merrier.
- Okay. Let's do that.
1923
01:40:36,656 --> 01:40:38,240
- Thank you.
- LAURA: Great.
1924
01:40:38,241 --> 01:40:39,407
I'm gonna go say hi to the kids.
1925
01:40:39,408 --> 01:40:40,909
- Okay.
- Okay.
1926
01:40:40,910 --> 01:40:42,452
(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.
1927
01:40:42,453 --> 01:40:44,788
You can't tell him that
you're better, okay?
1928
01:40:44,789 --> 01:40:47,123
He'll know that
something happened between us.
1929
01:40:47,124 --> 01:40:48,291
- I won't.
- Okay?
1930
01:40:48,292 --> 01:40:50,710
'Cause I've been married for 12 years now
and I have kids.
1931
01:40:50,711 --> 01:40:53,213
And I can't just throw it away
this second, okay?
1932
01:40:53,214 --> 01:40:57,592
Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor.
You're a great actress.
1933
01:40:57,593 --> 01:41:00,679
Right. He hated you
until he found out that you were sick.
1934
01:41:00,680 --> 01:41:04,517
And if he knows that you were here and that
you're feeling better, he's gonna know.
1935
01:41:04,684 --> 01:41:07,352
- So, don't say anything.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.
1936
01:41:07,353 --> 01:41:09,105
Of course. Sure. I'll do that.
1937
01:41:09,730 --> 01:41:12,148
People never thought China would do
that much business with the US,
1938
01:41:12,149 --> 01:41:14,818
but I never saw it as a big deal.
You look at it like this.
1939
01:41:14,819 --> 01:41:17,571
You've got a billion people.
We make all kinds of cool shit.
1940
01:41:17,572 --> 01:41:19,864
They find out about the cool shit,
like, on the Internet and stuff.
1941
01:41:19,865 --> 01:41:22,826
- And they're gonna want the cool shit.
- Cool shit's universal.
1942
01:41:22,827 --> 01:41:25,161
China's been good,
but I'm trying to get into North Korea now.
1943
01:41:25,162 --> 01:41:26,788
That's the next...
That's, like, the next frontier.
1944
01:41:26,789 --> 01:41:28,623
- Wow. Wow. North Korea?
- North Korea.
1945
01:41:28,624 --> 01:41:31,167
Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit.
1946
01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:34,337
- GEORGE: There you go.
- This is really good pizza.
1947
01:41:34,338 --> 01:41:36,214
You know, they say, like,
New York has the best pizza
1948
01:41:36,215 --> 01:41:38,174
and I always thought pizza in LA
was only okay,
1949
01:41:38,175 --> 01:41:39,342
but who would have thought, you know,
1950
01:41:39,343 --> 01:41:43,931
Marin County is where they were
really hiding the good pizza pies.
1951
01:41:45,850 --> 01:41:47,643
(IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
1952
01:41:49,895 --> 01:41:51,896
Clarke speaks fluent Chinese.
1953
01:41:51,897 --> 01:41:54,899
Really? Do you speak
Cantonese or Mandarin?
1954
01:41:54,900 --> 01:41:59,029
- Oh, well played, Ira. Mandarin.
- Well gayed, Ira.
1955
01:41:59,030 --> 01:42:01,490
It's a bloody hard language,
though, George. Jesus.
1956
01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:03,533
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
1957
01:42:03,534 --> 01:42:05,369
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
1958
01:42:07,663 --> 01:42:09,456
(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)
1959
01:42:09,457 --> 01:42:10,791
(REPEATING)
1960
01:42:18,799 --> 01:42:20,635
That was like a scene from Deer Hunter.
1961
01:42:21,552 --> 01:42:23,596
(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
1962
01:42:23,929 --> 01:42:26,182
Girls, you can go and watch TV.
1963
01:42:26,849 --> 01:42:29,477
Go on. Whatever you want to watch.
1964
01:42:30,603 --> 01:42:33,772
So, George, how's the fight going, mate?
1965
01:42:33,773 --> 01:42:35,940
- How is it?
- Clarke.
1966
01:42:35,941 --> 01:42:39,444
This is not something
that he wants to talk about right now.
1967
01:42:39,445 --> 01:42:42,947
He has to think about it
every day of his life.
1968
01:42:42,948 --> 01:42:45,867
And he's taking a break from it right now.
1969
01:42:45,868 --> 01:42:52,749
(CRYING) It's such a shame that somebody
who has brought so much joy
1970
01:42:52,750 --> 01:42:55,419
to so many people has to go through this.
1971
01:42:56,379 --> 01:43:00,423
- Shit. Shit.
- I'm sorry, mate.
1972
01:43:00,424 --> 01:43:04,552
Laura. Laura.
We don't need to speak in code.
1973
01:43:04,553 --> 01:43:06,805
I'm sick. I think about it all the time.
1974
01:43:06,806 --> 01:43:10,725
CLARKE: Mate, I don't know how you do it. I
would be crying in my panties if I was you.
1975
01:43:10,726 --> 01:43:12,852
I worship guys like you, that attitude.
1976
01:43:12,853 --> 01:43:14,437
Have you considered Eastern medicine?
1977
01:43:14,438 --> 01:43:17,357
Well, I don't know
if this is considered Eastern medicine,
1978
01:43:17,358 --> 01:43:19,567
but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock.
1979
01:43:19,568 --> 01:43:23,488
If Clarke thinks it's the right
thing to do, let me chew some.
1980
01:43:23,489 --> 01:43:25,573
For the last time, stop calling me Rhino.
1981
01:43:25,574 --> 01:43:27,034
(ALL LAUGHING)
1982
01:43:28,577 --> 01:43:30,495
George Simmons in my house!
1983
01:43:30,496 --> 01:43:34,542
Clarke took an herb once, and he had
heart palpitations and diarrhoea.
1984
01:43:34,709 --> 01:43:37,752
No, it's true. I shit myself, mate,
and I had a boner at the same time.
1985
01:43:37,753 --> 01:43:39,088
(LAUGHING)
1986
01:43:40,256 --> 01:43:44,384
I want to take an herb that makes me
as good-looking as you. Jesus Christ!
1987
01:43:44,385 --> 01:43:46,678
If I were you I'd be at home all day
fucking myself.
1988
01:43:46,679 --> 01:43:47,846
CLARKE: That's what I do!
1989
01:43:47,847 --> 01:43:49,514
(GEORGE LAUGHING)
1990
01:43:49,515 --> 01:43:51,726
All right! All right! We're cooking.
1991
01:43:52,143 --> 01:43:53,686
- He's really funny.
- Mmm-hmm.
1992
01:43:53,936 --> 01:43:57,147
I don't know why his movies aren't
funny, though. That's weird, isn't it?
1993
01:43:57,148 --> 01:43:58,857
He should put some of that
on the silver screen.
1994
01:43:58,858 --> 01:44:00,191
So, just one drink, okay?
1995
01:44:00,192 --> 01:44:02,861
This isn't someone
I want to spend a lot of time with.
1996
01:44:02,862 --> 01:44:06,614
This? This is the Australian me?
I'm so much better than this fucking idiot.
1997
01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:07,949
He seems like the nicest guy, ever.
1998
01:44:07,950 --> 01:44:09,868
He's trying to cure you
with herbs for God's sakes.
1999
01:44:09,869 --> 01:44:12,036
I can't leave her alone here.
I have to save her.
2000
01:44:12,037 --> 01:44:14,164
Save her from her beautiful house
and lovely husband
2001
01:44:14,165 --> 01:44:17,041
- and delightful kids?
- Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho.
2002
01:44:17,042 --> 01:44:18,710
You said nothing was going on
between you two.
2003
01:44:18,711 --> 01:44:20,670
The dog could tell that you banged her.
2004
01:44:20,671 --> 01:44:22,005
And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty.
I can't...
2005
01:44:22,006 --> 01:44:25,050
Get away from me! Get away from me!
Go play with the kids.
2006
01:44:25,968 --> 01:44:27,218
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV)
2007
01:44:27,219 --> 01:44:29,971
WOMAN: Tim, are you asking me
out on a date?
2008
01:44:29,972 --> 01:44:31,514
Would you like it to be a date?
2009
01:44:31,515 --> 01:44:33,391
Hey, bro, so your doctor called
2010
01:44:33,392 --> 01:44:36,770
and he said it is contagious,
but only when inflamed, so you're cool.
2011
01:44:36,771 --> 01:44:37,896
(SCOFFS)
2012
01:44:37,897 --> 01:44:39,439
Also, I was trying to do the laundry,
2013
01:44:39,440 --> 01:44:41,900
but I think I need to get
some industrial-strength detergent.
2014
01:44:41,901 --> 01:44:44,402
What's up with all the skid marks,
Dale Earnhardt, Jr?
2015
01:44:44,403 --> 01:44:47,113
Wow, I think I have a class.
2016
01:44:47,114 --> 01:44:48,531
You guys like this show?
2017
01:44:48,532 --> 01:44:49,741
- No!
- No!
2018
01:44:49,742 --> 01:44:52,953
- It's the worst show, ever.
- Good.
2019
01:44:53,704 --> 01:44:55,747
Here you go.
We're finished with the French shit.
2020
01:44:55,748 --> 01:44:58,959
- We're into española!
- All right.
2021
01:44:59,794 --> 01:45:01,586
China, man. Wow.
2022
01:45:01,587 --> 01:45:04,422
And you guys never see each other, huh?
That must be rough.
2023
01:45:04,423 --> 01:45:08,968
- Right? Rough on the kids.
- It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so...
2024
01:45:08,969 --> 01:45:10,137
(LAUGHS)
2025
01:45:10,596 --> 01:45:13,640
You ever see this girl act before?
She was quite the actress.
2026
01:45:13,641 --> 01:45:15,600
Well, she's very good
at pretending she still loves me,
2027
01:45:15,601 --> 01:45:18,854
- so she's pretty good then, isn't she?
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.
2028
01:45:20,022 --> 01:45:23,107
Can't say I watched much of that
Melrose Place stuff, though.
2029
01:45:23,108 --> 01:45:24,901
Although I did see
the Party of Five episode you were in.
2030
01:45:24,902 --> 01:45:26,821
It wasn't really for me, you know.
2031
01:45:27,029 --> 01:45:32,158
Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz
for the lead part in The Mask.
2032
01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:36,454
Cameron Diaz! That's my girl.
She's a bloody top actress, isn't she?
2033
01:45:36,455 --> 01:45:39,166
Hey, what was that film she was in
with the bloody spuff in her hair?
2034
01:45:39,333 --> 01:45:40,500
Something About Mary!
2035
01:45:40,501 --> 01:45:41,502
(EXCLAIMING)
2036
01:45:41,669 --> 01:45:46,465
I love that movie! She's so funny!
Just about shit my panties in that one.
2037
01:45:46,674 --> 01:45:51,594
No, no, no, there's not too many girls that
are this beautiful and sexy and funny and...
2038
01:45:51,595 --> 01:45:52,971
She had the whole deal.
2039
01:45:52,972 --> 01:45:58,352
Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck!
I mean, come on.
2040
01:45:59,562 --> 01:46:00,728
See, if you had've done that movie,
2041
01:46:00,729 --> 01:46:02,105
you could have had
the bloody spuff in your hair.
2042
01:46:02,106 --> 01:46:03,273
Look out.
2043
01:46:03,274 --> 01:46:04,524
CLARKE: What are you giving me
the evil eyes for?
2044
01:46:04,525 --> 01:46:05,733
You're such a dick sometimes.
2045
01:46:05,734 --> 01:46:08,027
- I'm not... Why?
- Because.
2046
01:46:08,028 --> 01:46:10,989
CLARKE: I'm just saying you had your crack,
you had your go at it.
2047
01:46:10,990 --> 01:46:14,284
- I feel like I didn't reach my potential that...
- Oh, please!
2048
01:46:14,285 --> 01:46:16,578
- Oh, please, what?
- I didn't reach my potential, either!
2049
01:46:16,579 --> 01:46:19,080
- I could have been playing footie!
- You weren't that good
2050
01:46:19,081 --> 01:46:20,331
- at playing footie.
- I was.
2051
01:46:20,332 --> 01:46:21,333
LAURA: You weren't.
2052
01:46:22,293 --> 01:46:25,795
You should thank me, George.
I took a bullet here for you.
2053
01:46:25,796 --> 01:46:28,840
All right, on that note,
I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles.
2054
01:46:28,841 --> 01:46:31,009
- No, come on, stay.
- No, it's fine. I'll split.
2055
01:46:31,010 --> 01:46:32,135
- It's early.
- I've been here too long.
2056
01:46:32,136 --> 01:46:33,428
- Schmira!
- We just started a bottle.
2057
01:46:33,429 --> 01:46:36,389
Nah, nah, nah.
You guys have been the best. Schmira!
2058
01:46:36,390 --> 01:46:39,058
Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh!
2059
01:46:39,059 --> 01:46:40,894
- Shoot.
- CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out.
2060
01:46:40,895 --> 01:46:42,813
- God, I'm sorry, guys.
- CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink.
2061
01:46:43,022 --> 01:46:46,025
Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot
by accident, that's all. I...
2062
01:46:46,358 --> 01:46:48,359
- Hold it together there, Schmira.
- I'm just a... Oh, God.
2063
01:46:48,360 --> 01:46:50,695
- It's okay.
- You're staying here. You're not driving.
2064
01:46:50,696 --> 01:46:53,406
No way. We got a guest house,
two spare beds. Done.
2065
01:46:53,407 --> 01:46:55,074
- You two, plenty of room to stay.
- No, no. Ira can drive.
2066
01:46:55,075 --> 01:46:58,453
- He... You're fine to drive, right, Ira?
- I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all.
2067
01:46:58,454 --> 01:47:01,581
No way! I'm not having America's favourite
funnyman dead on the side of the road
2068
01:47:01,582 --> 01:47:03,249
'cause Schmira here's
had too much to drink.
2069
01:47:03,250 --> 01:47:06,503
- George, you can drive, right?
- Bullshit! You're staying here.
2070
01:47:06,670 --> 01:47:10,340
Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie
on the dish tonight.
2071
01:47:10,341 --> 01:47:14,093
Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies. Not
that American shit. I want you to see it.
2072
01:47:14,094 --> 01:47:17,221
One condition. You Aussie pussies
got any beer around here?
2073
01:47:17,222 --> 01:47:18,640
Yes, it's on...
2074
01:47:18,641 --> 01:47:19,933
(WHOOPS)
2075
01:47:19,934 --> 01:47:20,935
Yes!
2076
01:47:21,810 --> 01:47:23,937
Yeah, it doesn't matter
if you're a small fucker or a big fucker,
2077
01:47:23,938 --> 01:47:26,230
you can play this game
because the small fuckers go in barrelling
2078
01:47:26,231 --> 01:47:28,149
and they can get the ball over
and the boys are scrambling.
2079
01:47:28,150 --> 01:47:31,569
Now watch. The little fuckers down there go.
There they are. Big fuckers smack them.
2080
01:47:31,570 --> 01:47:34,113
Little fucker. Little fucker.
Off to a big fucker.
2081
01:47:34,114 --> 01:47:37,825
Now he's gonna go down to another
big fucker. I hate that big fucker.
2082
01:47:37,826 --> 01:47:38,993
Where are the black guys?
2083
01:47:38,994 --> 01:47:40,411
CLARKE: This is... There's
a couple out there.
2084
01:47:40,412 --> 01:47:41,913
- I hate this team.
- Oh, yeah?
2085
01:47:41,914 --> 01:47:43,498
Magpies. Hate the Maggies!
2086
01:47:43,499 --> 01:47:47,419
They're like... I don't know what
the equivalent in the NFL...
2087
01:47:47,586 --> 01:47:52,131
No helmets. No fucking helmets
'cause they're real men. See?
2088
01:47:52,132 --> 01:47:55,594
Love you. Just explaining the game to them.
They're loving it!
2089
01:48:00,683 --> 01:48:02,101
(MOUTHING) Good night.
2090
01:48:03,602 --> 01:48:07,271
- Yeah, we gotta get going, you know.
- Are you sure you can't stay?
2091
01:48:07,272 --> 01:48:08,940
We can't stay. We can't stay.
2092
01:48:08,941 --> 01:48:12,026
Yeah, it's my...
It's my grandmother's 85th birthday.
2093
01:48:12,027 --> 01:48:14,112
- We got family coming in from all over.
- GEORGE: That's right.
2094
01:48:14,113 --> 01:48:16,781
She just had a stroke. In her leg.
2095
01:48:16,782 --> 01:48:19,450
- So, you know, we gotta get back.
- Yeah.
2096
01:48:19,451 --> 01:48:22,204
- That's too bad you guys can't stay.
- It is too bad.
2097
01:48:22,413 --> 01:48:24,872
Well, I wish I could say I was gonna
see you again, George,
2098
01:48:24,873 --> 01:48:26,916
but I can't really say that, can I?
2099
01:48:26,917 --> 01:48:29,293
Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't.
2100
01:48:29,294 --> 01:48:32,797
- You don't have to do that, honey.
- No, I do have to do this, honey. I do.
2101
01:48:32,798 --> 01:48:34,007
You know what, mate?
2102
01:48:34,008 --> 01:48:37,468
If there's one thing I've learnt from
my Buddhist friends, the Chinese,
2103
01:48:37,469 --> 01:48:41,097
is to keep an open heart and
to speak the truth.
2104
01:48:41,098 --> 01:48:44,977
So, what I want to say to you,
George, is thank you.
2105
01:48:45,978 --> 01:48:49,815
Thank you for playing
such a big role in my wife's life.
2106
01:48:51,400 --> 01:48:53,484
It's been great getting to know you.
2107
01:48:53,485 --> 01:48:58,489
And I wish you a peaceful journey
from here on in and over to the other side.
2108
01:48:58,490 --> 01:49:02,202
- Come here, mate.
- Okay, we're gonna do this.
2109
01:49:03,579 --> 01:49:05,788
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
2110
01:49:05,789 --> 01:49:08,082
- All right.
- Thank you.
2111
01:49:08,083 --> 01:49:10,418
All right, I appreciate your having us.
2112
01:49:10,419 --> 01:49:13,755
Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick any more.
2113
01:49:13,756 --> 01:49:16,340
- Ira told us.
- I didn't say that.
2114
01:49:16,341 --> 01:49:17,467
- Yes, you did.
- Yeah, you did.
2115
01:49:17,468 --> 01:49:19,469
- When we were colouring.
- IRA: No.
2116
01:49:19,470 --> 01:49:20,595
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
2117
01:49:20,596 --> 01:49:21,721
IRA: That's not true, girls.
2118
01:49:21,722 --> 01:49:23,181
- No, that's not true.
- IRA: I did not say that.
2119
01:49:23,182 --> 01:49:25,892
- I don't know what they're talking about.
- Liar.
2120
01:49:25,893 --> 01:49:27,852
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
2121
01:49:27,853 --> 01:49:30,229
They were freaking out.
They were worried about George.
2122
01:49:30,230 --> 01:49:32,440
I just said it so they wouldn't be scared.
It was just...
2123
01:49:32,441 --> 01:49:33,941
Kids, go inside.
2124
01:49:33,942 --> 01:49:35,860
- Can we watch Borat?
- Yeah, you can.
2125
01:49:35,861 --> 01:49:37,528
- INGRID: I don't wanna watch Borat.
- Yes, you... Come on.
2126
01:49:37,529 --> 01:49:38,906
See you guys.
2127
01:49:40,199 --> 01:49:43,367
What is going on around here? Is that true?
2128
01:49:43,368 --> 01:49:45,703
I never said that he was feeling better.
2129
01:49:45,704 --> 01:49:48,289
He just took some medicine
and it's looking good for him
2130
01:49:48,290 --> 01:49:52,376
because they can't detect it in his blood,
but that doesn't mean that he's better.
2131
01:49:52,377 --> 01:49:53,920
These things are very tricky
2132
01:49:53,921 --> 01:49:57,173
and he didn't want to tell anybody
because he didn't want to jinx it!
2133
01:49:57,174 --> 01:49:58,633
Is that true that you
didn't want to jinx it?
2134
01:49:58,634 --> 01:50:01,886
Yeah. No, no, no, I...
Yeah, I'm very superstitious.
2135
01:50:01,887 --> 01:50:03,513
You're a terrible liar.
2136
01:50:03,514 --> 01:50:08,518
(IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
No, nothing's going on around here!
2137
01:50:08,519 --> 01:50:11,062
It's completely innocent.
2138
01:50:11,063 --> 01:50:12,563
- I left me ring...
- What accent is that?
2139
01:50:12,564 --> 01:50:14,525
- ...on the side table.
- Jamaican?
2140
01:50:14,817 --> 01:50:16,944
Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it.
2141
01:50:17,444 --> 01:50:19,737
Lots of people go to massage parlours.
2142
01:50:19,738 --> 01:50:22,448
That doesn't mean
I was getting a rub-and-tug.
2143
01:50:22,449 --> 01:50:27,830
Those hairs on me jacket
must've fallen off the waiter's pussy.
2144
01:50:28,330 --> 01:50:30,081
What the hell has gotten into you?
2145
01:50:30,082 --> 01:50:34,085
- I was at a footie game!
- Are you taking the piss out of me?
2146
01:50:34,086 --> 01:50:38,799
I would never lie to you, mate. Oi?
2147
01:50:39,842 --> 01:50:43,345
I'm not playing this game with you.
This is stupid. What a stupid game!
2148
01:50:44,221 --> 01:50:46,974
Clarke, let's tell each other the truth.
2149
01:50:47,933 --> 01:50:50,268
- Just come clean with me.
- There's nothing to tell.
2150
01:50:50,269 --> 01:50:52,436
- There's nothing to tell?
- There's nothing to tell.
2151
01:50:52,437 --> 01:50:56,274
You will never tell me the truth.
That is a pussy move!
2152
01:50:56,275 --> 01:50:57,859
You know what? I'm not doing this.
2153
01:50:57,860 --> 01:51:01,154
I'm not being put on a cross
for something I didn't even do!
2154
01:51:01,155 --> 01:51:03,699
- Enjoy each other!
- Go fuck your whores!
2155
01:51:04,408 --> 01:51:06,869
"Go fuck your whores"?
2156
01:51:14,710 --> 01:51:18,921
So, it's good that he left,
and this is a huge relief for me.
2157
01:51:18,922 --> 01:51:21,048
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
2158
01:51:21,049 --> 01:51:25,720
I don't need to be in a marriage
that is like that, so I'm fine.
2159
01:51:25,721 --> 01:51:29,140
I'm not worried about that.
I just want you to be okay.
2160
01:51:29,141 --> 01:51:31,475
- I would be scared if I was you right now.
- Are you kidding me?
2161
01:51:31,476 --> 01:51:34,228
- This is what needed to happen.
- I would run away.
2162
01:51:34,229 --> 01:51:36,314
- No, I'm staying here.
- Are you gonna run away?
2163
01:51:36,315 --> 01:51:39,150
Where am I running to?
Only if you come with me.
2164
01:51:39,151 --> 01:51:42,862
- I really need you around right now.
- Yeah. Yeah.
2165
01:51:42,863 --> 01:51:45,448
- Can you stay till Monday?
- Absolutely.
2166
01:51:45,449 --> 01:51:47,950
Can't we just go and, like,
come back later, you know?
2167
01:51:47,951 --> 01:51:51,746
I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be.
We don't have to be here right this second.
2168
01:51:51,747 --> 01:51:54,498
- Can't we just go?
- Man, I don't... l see...
2169
01:51:54,499 --> 01:51:57,753
Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body
is telling me to leave here, too.
2170
01:51:58,128 --> 01:52:00,713
- Good.
- But that's what led me to this shitty life.
2171
01:52:00,714 --> 01:52:05,176
I gotta stay here. I gotta do
the right thing. I love her.
2172
01:52:05,177 --> 01:52:09,805
Right now, her husband is gonna
come back and murder us, man!
2173
01:52:09,806 --> 01:52:13,392
- Did you see his arms? They look like legs!
- Shut up. Don't be an idiot.
2174
01:52:13,393 --> 01:52:18,064
I'm not being an... Imagine that you are
a gigantic Australian man
2175
01:52:18,065 --> 01:52:20,942
and someone came into your home
and fucked your wife.
2176
01:52:20,943 --> 01:52:23,904
You would murder him and then you
would make a hat out of his skin
2177
01:52:24,071 --> 01:52:25,906
'cause that's what Australians do.
Let's go!
2178
01:52:26,156 --> 01:52:29,033
Ira, this is deep shit.
People get divorced.
2179
01:52:29,034 --> 01:52:32,537
They make mistakes, they
change their lives.
2180
01:52:33,789 --> 01:52:37,375
It's not that big of a deal.
She's married to an asshole.
2181
01:52:37,376 --> 01:52:39,418
She seems like a crazy actress, man.
2182
01:52:39,419 --> 01:52:42,672
I don't know what to tell you, man.
Am I not allowed to be happy or something?
2183
01:52:42,673 --> 01:52:46,092
I've been living alone and alone and alone.
That's my life.
2184
01:52:46,093 --> 01:52:49,179
This is the only girl I've ever loved and
I'm not supposed to do anything about this?
2185
01:52:50,013 --> 01:52:54,350
When am I supposed to be happy?
Why does everyone else get to be happy?
2186
01:52:54,351 --> 01:52:57,229
Look, George,
I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend.
2187
01:52:58,021 --> 01:53:00,815
From where I'm sitting
it seems like your happiness
2188
01:53:00,816 --> 01:53:03,652
might be coming
at the cost of destroying this family.
2189
01:53:04,653 --> 01:53:09,699
Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend,
and let you know you're not my friend.
2190
01:53:09,700 --> 01:53:11,742
You fucking work for me!
2191
01:53:11,743 --> 01:53:16,289
I didn't ask for your advice!
You're overstepping your boundaries, man!
2192
01:53:16,290 --> 01:53:18,582
Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke!
2193
01:53:18,583 --> 01:53:21,294
And remind yourself
that's what you do for me!
2194
01:53:21,295 --> 01:53:23,630
- Now get the fuck out of here!
- Fine.
2195
01:53:24,589 --> 01:53:27,633
Don't fucking leave!
Sit down here! I don't want to be alone.
2196
01:53:27,634 --> 01:53:29,344
Okay, fine.
2197
01:53:31,930 --> 01:53:34,558
- (OVER PHONE) This is Mark.
- Hey, Mark, it's Ira. How's it going, man?
2198
01:53:35,017 --> 01:53:38,019
Not too good. I didn't get the part
in the Tobey Maguire movie.
2199
01:53:38,020 --> 01:53:40,438
That doesn't matter. I have a problem.
I need help, okay?
2200
01:53:40,439 --> 01:53:41,647
Where have you been?
2201
01:53:41,648 --> 01:53:44,860
I'm in Marin County. Northern California.
2202
01:53:45,193 --> 01:53:47,486
(SIGHS) Listen, I...
I have to tell you something.
2203
01:53:47,487 --> 01:53:49,238
Are you sitting down?
2204
01:53:49,239 --> 01:53:50,240
- Yeah.
- Okay.
2205
01:53:51,241 --> 01:53:53,826
The other night I went out to drinks
with the producers of my show
2206
01:53:53,827 --> 01:53:55,661
and Leo met up with us.
2207
01:53:55,662 --> 01:53:57,955
And they were enamoured by him
and they thought he was really funny.
2208
01:53:57,956 --> 01:54:00,875
And they offered him a part on Yo Teach...!
and he took it.
2209
01:54:00,876 --> 01:54:03,419
I saw the episode.
I know that that happened.
2210
01:54:03,420 --> 01:54:04,670
- You watched it?
- I watched it.
2211
01:54:04,671 --> 01:54:05,672
Did you love it?
2212
01:54:06,381 --> 01:54:08,341
- Yeah.
- He was great, right?
2213
01:54:08,342 --> 01:54:10,343
It was fine!
I have no problem with Leo, okay?
2214
01:54:10,344 --> 01:54:13,971
Tell Leo, if he's got a problem, to stop
being a baby and to just get over it!
2215
01:54:13,972 --> 01:54:15,097
Why don't you tell Leo yourself?
2216
01:54:15,098 --> 01:54:17,100
'Cause Leo's been surveilling
this whole conversation.
2217
01:54:17,434 --> 01:54:18,601
- You dick.
- LEO: Fucking asshole.
2218
01:54:18,602 --> 01:54:20,519
- MARK: Leo, get off the phone!
- Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
2219
01:54:20,520 --> 01:54:21,979
Hey, man what have you been up to?
2220
01:54:21,980 --> 01:54:23,356
Sucking George Simmons' balls?
2221
01:54:23,357 --> 01:54:25,733
That's cool.
I've been on Yo Teach...! living it up.
2222
01:54:25,734 --> 01:54:27,360
I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks.
2223
01:54:27,361 --> 01:54:29,571
LEO: Go lose some more weight, Ira!
You look fucking weird skinny!
2224
01:54:30,113 --> 01:54:31,572
MARK: Leo, calm down!
2225
01:54:31,573 --> 01:54:33,949
You know what, Ira?
I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole
2226
01:54:33,950 --> 01:54:36,869
so it looks like you're blowing me
when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk!
2227
01:54:36,870 --> 01:54:40,373
IRA: That doesn't even make sense!
You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What?
2228
01:54:40,374 --> 01:54:44,377
Ira, we will find something for you
to do on the show, okay?
2229
01:54:44,378 --> 01:54:47,254
- Teach can have more than one friend.
- Can we talk about this later?
2230
01:54:47,255 --> 01:54:50,174
I am in a serious problem.
I just need some advice, okay? Please?
2231
01:54:50,175 --> 01:54:53,761
Just listen to me for two minutes and
tell me what I should do right now, okay?
2232
01:54:53,762 --> 01:54:54,970
Will you do that?
2233
01:54:54,971 --> 01:54:57,641
All right.
If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen.
2234
01:54:58,100 --> 01:54:59,225
(SIGHS)
2235
01:54:59,226 --> 01:55:01,227
Okay. Here's what's happening.
2236
01:55:01,228 --> 01:55:05,231
I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck,
but if I do something, I will lose my job.
2237
01:55:05,232 --> 01:55:07,650
- Are you serious?
- So, what I don't know, is...
2238
01:55:07,651 --> 01:55:08,776
(DISCONNECTS)
2239
01:55:08,777 --> 01:55:10,361
Screw you.
2240
01:55:10,362 --> 01:55:11,363
(SIGHS)
2241
01:55:11,822 --> 01:55:13,781
- Higher!
- Higher!
2242
01:55:13,782 --> 01:55:14,907
- I can't. I... I can't.
- Yes, you can.
2243
01:55:14,908 --> 01:55:16,117
You, you have to go down a little bit then
2244
01:55:16,118 --> 01:55:17,326
- through the middle.
- LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you.
2245
01:55:17,327 --> 01:55:18,412
Where do I put my hand?
2246
01:55:18,995 --> 01:55:23,999
I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at
the airport tonight heading back to China.
2247
01:55:24,000 --> 01:55:26,836
I'm gonna go tell him
that when he comes back
2248
01:55:26,837 --> 01:55:29,380
he should find another place to live.
2249
01:55:29,381 --> 01:55:30,714
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What...
2250
01:55:30,715 --> 01:55:33,926
- You... Yeah? Good. Good.
- Yeah.
2251
01:55:33,927 --> 01:55:36,470
- You're gonna tell him?
- I just don't want him coming back here.
2252
01:55:36,471 --> 01:55:37,847
- You don't need him.
- No.
2253
01:55:37,848 --> 01:55:40,015
That'll just get you sick.
2254
01:55:40,016 --> 01:55:42,893
Good, you gotta tell him.
So, when are you doing that?
2255
01:55:42,894 --> 01:55:44,061
- Tonight?
- Yeah.
2256
01:55:44,062 --> 01:55:46,022
- Okay, okay, I'm coming down.
- Jump!
2257
01:55:47,023 --> 01:55:48,190
I talked to a girlfriend of mine,
2258
01:55:48,191 --> 01:55:52,487
and she has somebody who could show us
some houses down in Los Angeles.
2259
01:55:52,863 --> 01:55:54,196
And we'll get that whole thing going.
2260
01:55:54,197 --> 01:55:58,742
And then I was thinking about
taking the kids out of school now,
2261
01:55:58,743 --> 01:56:01,954
but we should probably let them finish up
because it's December.
2262
01:56:01,955 --> 01:56:05,458
- And I don't want to mess everything up.
- They have to finish the whole year here.
2263
01:56:05,459 --> 01:56:06,959
- Yeah, that makes sense to me.
- So, if we just go down
2264
01:56:06,960 --> 01:56:08,377
at the beginning of the summer,
2265
01:56:08,378 --> 01:56:09,795
- let them kind of transit.
- I'm supposed to do
2266
01:56:09,796 --> 01:56:11,464
a little two-week tour this summer.
2267
01:56:11,465 --> 01:56:13,717
I'm supposed to do it,
but I don't need to do it.
2268
01:56:13,884 --> 01:56:17,470
No pressure on you. Look at you!
There's no pressure on you.
2269
01:56:17,471 --> 01:56:21,682
I need to work and I want
to get my acting career going again.
2270
01:56:21,683 --> 01:56:23,517
- Good.
- Yeah.
2271
01:56:23,518 --> 01:56:26,062
She's whupping you, Ingrid!
Good job there, Lulu.
2272
01:56:27,355 --> 01:56:29,148
So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight
2273
01:56:29,149 --> 01:56:32,027
and tell Clarke that
she wants him to find a new place and...
2274
01:56:33,320 --> 01:56:35,488
What do you think of that?
2275
01:56:35,489 --> 01:56:37,698
(SIGHS) I don't want to tell you
what I think about that
2276
01:56:37,699 --> 01:56:39,325
'cause I don't want to
get yelled at, George.
2277
01:56:39,326 --> 01:56:40,951
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
2278
01:56:40,952 --> 01:56:43,704
I'm just nervous about the kids
and, like, who's gonna get them
2279
01:56:43,705 --> 01:56:47,666
and does he get one and Laura gets one,
or am I gonna have both of them?
2280
01:56:47,667 --> 01:56:49,835
'Cause I love the little
one, we kind of click.
2281
01:56:49,836 --> 01:56:53,672
But the older one is, like, you sense
the period's coming soon.
2282
01:56:53,673 --> 01:56:56,550
- I think she would probably get the kids.
- All right, yeah.
2283
01:56:56,551 --> 01:56:58,761
I don't think you can
have two girls in China.
2284
01:56:58,762 --> 01:57:00,346
- What are you gonna do now?
- Look at this crew.
2285
01:57:00,347 --> 01:57:01,680
Why so close? Really?
2286
01:57:01,681 --> 01:57:02,806
(EXCLAIMS)
2287
01:57:02,807 --> 01:57:04,558
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
2288
01:57:04,559 --> 01:57:06,310
- You okay, little girl?
- You okay?
2289
01:57:06,311 --> 01:57:07,811
- Oh, man.
- Are you okay?
2290
01:57:07,812 --> 01:57:10,648
- Okay. I'm gonna show you Mable singing...
- Mom, you make everybody see...
2291
01:57:10,649 --> 01:57:12,776
No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's...
2292
01:57:12,943 --> 01:57:14,693
No. I hate that you show it to everyone.
2293
01:57:14,694 --> 01:57:16,904
I'll just show them the end part.
2294
01:57:16,905 --> 01:57:18,197
(ALL LAUGHING)
2295
01:57:18,198 --> 01:57:20,658
I'll just show you the ending. Okay.
2296
01:57:20,659 --> 01:57:22,911
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
2297
01:57:34,839 --> 01:57:40,845
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days.
2298
01:57:41,721 --> 01:57:47,602
The stale cold smell of morning.
2299
01:57:49,020 --> 01:57:55,735
The streetlamp dies, another night is over.
2300
01:57:56,236 --> 01:58:01,408
Another day is dawning.
2301
01:58:03,827 --> 01:58:06,413
Touch me.
2302
01:58:06,580 --> 01:58:13,003
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory.
2303
01:58:13,712 --> 01:58:16,756
Of my days in the sun.
2304
01:58:18,133 --> 01:58:22,595
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is
2305
01:58:22,596 --> 01:58:24,472
(MOUTHING)
2306
01:58:25,807 --> 01:58:31,771
Look, a new day has begun
2307
01:58:34,190 --> 01:58:36,317
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2308
01:58:36,318 --> 01:58:38,194
(BOTH LAUGHING)
2309
01:58:39,654 --> 01:58:42,365
- That was unbelievable!
- Isn't that good?
2310
01:58:44,034 --> 01:58:46,076
That was insane!
2311
01:58:46,077 --> 01:58:50,039
That was like just seeing a little person
sing an old person's song.
2312
01:58:50,040 --> 01:58:51,833
That was hysterical!
2313
01:58:52,000 --> 01:58:55,919
I got a friend who takes...
He takes a lot of acid.
2314
01:58:55,920 --> 01:58:58,506
If he saw that, he would shit himself!
2315
01:59:00,091 --> 01:59:01,467
That's not supposed to be funny.
2316
01:59:01,468 --> 01:59:04,803
I know, I know, I know. I'm...
No, I think that's why it's funnier.
2317
01:59:04,804 --> 01:59:06,847
- It was so amazing.
- Wasn't that good?
2318
01:59:06,848 --> 01:59:11,645
- I think I started crying a little bit.
- Me, too. I cry every time I see that.
2319
01:59:13,730 --> 01:59:16,523
That shit was funny up there.
2320
01:59:16,524 --> 01:59:20,362
Okay. Wow, these guys
are not gonna take no for an answer.
2321
01:59:21,196 --> 01:59:23,405
Yeah. They want me to do
another baby movie.
2322
01:59:23,406 --> 01:59:26,158
They keep bumping up
the gross on the DVDs.
2323
01:59:26,159 --> 01:59:28,662
I just... There's no way I'm doing it.
2324
01:59:35,460 --> 01:59:36,753
Okay. Bye.
2325
01:59:40,256 --> 01:59:41,965
(BOTH WHOOPING)
2326
01:59:41,966 --> 01:59:45,552
- Hey, George.
- (EXHALES) Yeah.
2327
01:59:45,553 --> 01:59:48,681
I'm going to... I'm gonna go to the store
and grab some cigarettes, okay?
2328
01:59:48,682 --> 01:59:49,890
I'll be back soon.
2329
01:59:49,891 --> 01:59:53,852
- What? What do you need cigarettes for?
- 'Cause I'm addicted to them.
2330
01:59:53,853 --> 01:59:55,938
Why? 'Cause you look like
the Fonz when you smoke?
2331
01:59:55,939 --> 01:59:58,732
I've always smoked. I just didn't do it
in front of you 'cause you were sick.
2332
01:59:58,733 --> 02:00:00,359
And now that you're better...
2333
02:00:00,360 --> 02:00:03,070
Hurry up, though, man.
I'm running out of gas with the kids here.
2334
02:00:03,071 --> 02:00:04,280
Okay. I'll hurry up.
2335
02:00:05,115 --> 02:00:10,787
(SINGING) Memory, all
alone in the moonlight
2336
02:00:12,747 --> 02:00:15,959
can't wait till the morning
2337
02:00:17,877 --> 02:00:19,337
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
2338
02:00:26,803 --> 02:00:29,139
Are my parents getting a divorce?
2339
02:00:32,142 --> 02:00:34,602
Why... Why... Why do you ask that?
2340
02:00:35,270 --> 02:00:38,940
Just, like, I can tell.
They're always fighting and...
2341
02:00:39,441 --> 02:00:41,191
How does that make you feel?
2342
02:00:41,192 --> 02:00:47,615
Well, he's already away a lot, so it
doesn't really matter that much, but...
2343
02:00:47,949 --> 02:00:48,950
GEORGE: Uh-huh.
2344
02:00:49,701 --> 02:00:51,744
That wouldn't be fun.
2345
02:00:51,745 --> 02:00:54,580
Maybe it would be better
if they were separated.
2346
02:00:54,581 --> 02:00:55,706
MABLE: Mmm-mmm.
2347
02:00:55,707 --> 02:00:57,082
No?
2348
02:00:57,083 --> 02:00:59,627
- That's not good.
- Right.
2349
02:01:21,441 --> 02:01:22,609
Clarke?
2350
02:01:24,486 --> 02:01:28,697
Laura, what are you doing here?
2351
02:01:28,698 --> 02:01:30,492
I don't know.
2352
02:01:31,034 --> 02:01:34,953
WOMAN ON PA: Mr Way Chen, you need
to get to the information desk. Thank you.
2353
02:01:34,954 --> 02:01:37,248
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2354
02:01:37,791 --> 02:01:40,042
You've reached Ira.
Please leave me a message. Thank you.
2355
02:01:40,043 --> 02:01:41,168
(BEEPS)
2356
02:01:41,169 --> 02:01:43,003
Where are you? You gotta come back here.
2357
02:01:43,004 --> 02:01:46,048
I think I'm getting...
I'm getting lonely here.
2358
02:01:46,049 --> 02:01:49,010
I need some help. Just,
seriously, hurry up.
2359
02:01:49,969 --> 02:01:53,681
I don't trust you. Am I imagining things?
2360
02:01:55,225 --> 02:01:57,559
You're not imagining anything, honey.
2361
02:01:57,560 --> 02:01:58,727
(SIGHS)
2362
02:01:58,728 --> 02:02:01,814
Two times. That's all I did was two times.
2363
02:02:01,815 --> 02:02:04,399
And I don't want to ruin everything
just 'cause of two fucking times.
2364
02:02:04,400 --> 02:02:06,027
She couldn't even speak English.
2365
02:02:10,073 --> 02:02:12,241
Look at our life.
You're driving the kids to school.
2366
02:02:12,242 --> 02:02:14,284
You're picking them up.
You're like a single mother.
2367
02:02:14,285 --> 02:02:17,162
And you're not a single mom.
You're my wife. You're my baby.
2368
02:02:17,163 --> 02:02:19,957
I shouldn't be in China
2369
02:02:19,958 --> 02:02:23,335
trying to sell Oreos to people
who don't want to fucking talk to me.
2370
02:02:23,336 --> 02:02:26,421
I'm gonna get a normal job.
I'm gonna be just around the corner.
2371
02:02:26,422 --> 02:02:29,050
It's just gonna be you, me and the kids.
2372
02:02:29,467 --> 02:02:33,221
- All I want is a fresh start.
- Yeah.
2373
02:02:40,937 --> 02:02:42,437
(GRUNTING) Oh.
2374
02:02:42,438 --> 02:02:43,439
Yeah.
2375
02:02:47,443 --> 02:02:50,195
The George Simmons thing
was just a flirtation.
2376
02:02:50,196 --> 02:02:54,117
It was nothing. He really was sick.
He just got better.
2377
02:02:55,159 --> 02:02:57,119
- I'm so fucking glad.
- Yeah.
2378
02:02:57,120 --> 02:03:00,331
I really like him. I do.
I don't want to hate him.
2379
02:03:01,332 --> 02:03:03,126
I fucking love you.
2380
02:03:11,426 --> 02:03:12,427
Ira!
2381
02:03:14,929 --> 02:03:16,722
Hey!
2382
02:03:16,723 --> 02:03:18,015
What are you doing here?
2383
02:03:18,016 --> 02:03:21,394
(CHUCKLING) I'm going back to Los Angeles.
2384
02:03:22,186 --> 02:03:24,605
- LA?
- Yeah.
2385
02:03:24,606 --> 02:03:26,773
You're in the Great China Air
First Class Lounge, mate.
2386
02:03:26,774 --> 02:03:31,112
- What are you doing?
- Oh, shit, this is a confusing airport.
2387
02:03:31,279 --> 02:03:34,114
I thought this was Panda Express.
2388
02:03:34,115 --> 02:03:36,909
Well, it's good to see you guys, though.
2389
02:03:36,910 --> 02:03:40,120
What's going on? Laura?
2390
02:03:40,121 --> 02:03:44,834
- What the hell is going on?
- Ask her.
2391
02:03:45,585 --> 02:03:47,920
I was so mad at you for the way
that you've been treating me
2392
02:03:47,921 --> 02:03:51,089
that I was on my way
here to tell you tonight
2393
02:03:51,090 --> 02:03:53,175
to find another place to live
when you got back.
2394
02:03:53,176 --> 02:03:54,509
- But then...
- I came here to stop her.
2395
02:03:54,510 --> 02:03:58,764
- CLARKE: Shut the fuck up.
- I slept with George once, but it's over.
2396
02:03:58,765 --> 02:04:01,350
It's done. And it was no big deal.
2397
02:04:01,351 --> 02:04:02,559
(CLARKE BREATHING HEAVILY)
2398
02:04:02,560 --> 02:04:06,229
We didn't even have sex.
He just went down on me.
2399
02:04:06,230 --> 02:04:08,899
- (SIGHS) That's worse.
- CLARKE: Crikey.
2400
02:04:08,900 --> 02:04:11,319
He manipulated me with his disease!
2401
02:04:13,154 --> 02:04:15,864
Where is he? George, where is he?
2402
02:04:15,865 --> 02:04:18,951
- He's at your house.
- He's at our house?
2403
02:04:18,952 --> 02:04:20,911
With our kids?
2404
02:04:20,912 --> 02:04:22,454
LAURA: Please don't get that
look on your face.
2405
02:04:22,455 --> 02:04:23,914
Please don't get that look on your face.
2406
02:04:23,915 --> 02:04:25,040
- It was a mistake.
- I'm gonna kill him.
2407
02:04:25,041 --> 02:04:27,250
No, no, no, no, no.
2408
02:04:27,251 --> 02:04:29,920
- I'm sorry.
- You're sorry?
2409
02:04:29,921 --> 02:04:31,254
- I came here to stop...
- Who are you?
2410
02:04:31,255 --> 02:04:32,673
- I don't know.
- Who are you?
2411
02:04:32,674 --> 02:04:35,676
- What are you doing here?
- I was trying to help you.
2412
02:04:35,677 --> 02:04:39,012
- Get the fuck out of my life!
- Okay.
2413
02:04:39,013 --> 02:04:43,809
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
2414
02:04:43,810 --> 02:04:48,398
Where is it? Where is it?
Oh, God, where is it?
2415
02:04:50,024 --> 02:04:53,903
So stupid! Stupid shit!
2416
02:04:57,573 --> 02:05:00,993
I wanted to tell you I miss you.
I miss your kisses.
2417
02:05:00,994 --> 02:05:04,664
I miss your short skirts.
And I miss your smell.
2418
02:05:07,875 --> 02:05:09,334
Get the BabyBjörn.
2419
02:05:09,335 --> 02:05:10,460
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
2420
02:05:10,461 --> 02:05:12,087
We're gonna go find that wizard.
2421
02:05:12,088 --> 02:05:14,841
Hey, girls. You look so cute.
2422
02:05:15,925 --> 02:05:17,634
You, outside.
2423
02:05:17,635 --> 02:05:19,804
- Is he in trouble?
- Yes.
2424
02:05:26,519 --> 02:05:28,228
- What's gonna happen?
- I don't know.
2425
02:05:28,229 --> 02:05:30,772
- What do you think I did?
- Oh, shit!
2426
02:05:30,773 --> 02:05:33,775
- Your friend sold you out, mate!
- LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
2427
02:05:33,776 --> 02:05:35,610
- CLARKE: You think this is a game?
- Stop it!
2428
02:05:35,611 --> 02:05:38,613
What'd you think you were gonna do?
Come in and just fuck up my family?
2429
02:05:38,614 --> 02:05:40,365
IRA: Stop it!
CLARKE: Is that what you thought?
2430
02:05:40,366 --> 02:05:41,533
Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no!
2431
02:05:41,534 --> 02:05:42,701
GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything!
2432
02:05:42,702 --> 02:05:43,827
This sort of shit I kill for!
2433
02:05:43,828 --> 02:05:46,455
- Don't kill him! Don't kill him!
- You stupid shit!
2434
02:05:46,456 --> 02:05:48,623
- No!
- Fuck, man!
2435
02:05:48,624 --> 02:05:50,375
- Come here!
- Run, George!
2436
02:05:50,376 --> 02:05:52,503
Don't hurt him, you maniac!
2437
02:05:53,671 --> 02:05:56,007
- Cut the shit, guys!
- Stop it!
2438
02:05:57,383 --> 02:06:00,635
IRA: Run, George!
You're cornering yourself! Go that way!
2439
02:06:00,636 --> 02:06:02,095
- Get away from me!
- Take it like a man, George!
2440
02:06:02,096 --> 02:06:04,056
Get away from me,
you fucking crazy asshole!
2441
02:06:04,057 --> 02:06:08,101
You fucking asshole! Get away!
2442
02:06:08,102 --> 02:06:11,813
- Oh, my God.
- She's not happy with you!
2443
02:06:11,814 --> 02:06:14,525
No one who's married is happy, you idiot!
2444
02:06:15,401 --> 02:06:17,819
Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball!
2445
02:06:17,820 --> 02:06:19,571
Fight like a man! Get on your feet,
would you?
2446
02:06:19,572 --> 02:06:22,657
I don't know how to fight!
I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole!
2447
02:06:22,658 --> 02:06:25,494
- Should I jump in?
- No! No! Don't jump in!
2448
02:06:25,495 --> 02:06:27,579
Just get away from me, man! You traitor!
2449
02:06:27,580 --> 02:06:31,083
- Go get more cigarettes, you liar!
- IRA: I accomplished nothing!
2450
02:06:31,084 --> 02:06:33,085
They made up before I got there!
2451
02:06:33,086 --> 02:06:34,211
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2452
02:06:34,212 --> 02:06:38,840
- Where's your helmet now, Yankee?
- Let's talk! Clarke!
2453
02:06:38,841 --> 02:06:42,469
- LAURA: Clarke, no!
- Come on, pussy!
2454
02:06:42,470 --> 02:06:43,471
Help!
2455
02:06:44,514 --> 02:06:46,932
- All right!
- Stop!
2456
02:06:46,933 --> 02:06:48,767
- IRA: I got him! I got him!
- You don't want this, Schmira.
2457
02:06:48,768 --> 02:06:50,519
You don't want a piece of me, Schmira!
2458
02:06:50,520 --> 02:06:52,230
I am gonna love this!
2459
02:06:52,647 --> 02:06:53,814
(GROANS)
2460
02:06:53,815 --> 02:06:55,315
God!
2461
02:06:55,316 --> 02:06:58,026
You son of a bitch!
I knew you didn't want me to be happy!
2462
02:06:58,027 --> 02:07:01,238
What are you doing, man?
Look at this! You fucking suck!
2463
02:07:01,239 --> 02:07:02,781
- You've gone crazy!
- You're a lightweight...
2464
02:07:02,782 --> 02:07:06,576
- Get away from me, man!
- ...named Ira Wiener! Ira Wiener!
2465
02:07:06,577 --> 02:07:08,620
- You should have died!
- Well, I ain't going nowhere!
2466
02:07:08,621 --> 02:07:10,288
- I'm never gonna die!
- I hope you die!
2467
02:07:10,289 --> 02:07:12,124
- I'm never gonna die, baby!
- Die!
2468
02:07:12,125 --> 02:07:13,416
- Boys, stop it!
- IRA: I hope you die! I hate you!
2469
02:07:13,417 --> 02:07:14,960
I know what you're trying to do,
the pair of you!
2470
02:07:14,961 --> 02:07:17,003
You're trying to distract me
so I won't hit him!
2471
02:07:17,004 --> 02:07:19,506
- Lac: key! Lackey!
- IRA: Wait!
2472
02:07:19,507 --> 02:07:21,591
Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude!
2473
02:07:21,592 --> 02:07:22,926
Are you okay, George?
2474
02:07:22,927 --> 02:07:24,845
Where's your stunt man now, hey?
2475
02:07:24,846 --> 02:07:28,307
- Stop it!
- Will you stop hitting me?
2476
02:07:29,433 --> 02:07:32,019
I'm better now, but it can come back!
2477
02:07:33,729 --> 02:07:36,149
Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me.
2478
02:07:36,691 --> 02:07:40,111
Tell him that you love me
more than you love him. Tell him!
2479
02:07:40,361 --> 02:07:43,739
Yeah, when she told you that,
did she think you were dying, huh?
2480
02:07:44,448 --> 02:07:46,993
Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him?
2481
02:07:50,037 --> 02:07:55,835
- Him.
- What? Come on! Are you serious?
2482
02:07:56,794 --> 02:07:59,881
He's my husband. We have a family.
2483
02:08:00,798 --> 02:08:02,258
I love him.
2484
02:08:02,717 --> 02:08:05,970
And you didn't even cry
when Mable sang Cats.
2485
02:08:06,596 --> 02:08:08,139
What's the matter with you?
2486
02:08:08,848 --> 02:08:13,644
I didn't want to lie. I don't know.
I've seen it on Broadway before.
2487
02:08:14,979 --> 02:08:16,939
It wasn't as good as it.
2488
02:08:18,608 --> 02:08:22,486
- What are you guys doing on the lawn?
- I'm hungry!
2489
02:08:23,237 --> 02:08:26,406
Nothing. We're just...
We're just mucking around.
2490
02:08:26,407 --> 02:08:28,451
Come on. Go back inside.
2491
02:08:34,790 --> 02:08:38,836
Sorry, George. I'll always love you.
2492
02:08:39,879 --> 02:08:43,633
- But what are we gonna do?
- I love you.
2493
02:08:44,550 --> 02:08:46,886
I'm sorry I came up here.
I shouldn't have come.
2494
02:08:48,054 --> 02:08:49,680
No, I'm glad you did.
2495
02:08:50,932 --> 02:08:52,642
Maybe when we're 70?
2496
02:08:54,977 --> 02:08:57,104
I hope you find a way to be happy.
2497
02:08:57,647 --> 02:09:00,566
Shit. He's coming back.
He's coming back. Let's go.
2498
02:09:01,275 --> 02:09:02,776
LAURA: Clarke.
2499
02:09:02,777 --> 02:09:06,613
You know what? I've just worked out why
all this shit has happened.
2500
02:09:06,614 --> 02:09:08,949
In the East, they call this karma.
2501
02:09:08,950 --> 02:09:13,203
And I have brought all this shit upon us
with my misbehaviour.
2502
02:09:13,204 --> 02:09:15,289
That's why all this shit has happened.
2503
02:09:15,915 --> 02:09:17,583
This had to happen.
2504
02:09:18,376 --> 02:09:20,628
But some good shit's gonna come from this.
2505
02:09:21,087 --> 02:09:23,672
We have to learn from this,
you know, all of us.
2506
02:09:23,673 --> 02:09:25,591
There's a good lesson here.
2507
02:09:27,051 --> 02:09:29,595
Underneath anger is hurt,
2508
02:09:30,680 --> 02:09:34,016
but underneath hurt is love.
2509
02:09:34,725 --> 02:09:36,143
You feel it?
2510
02:09:39,313 --> 02:09:40,647
Okay?
2511
02:09:40,648 --> 02:09:42,899
- Yeah. Thank you.
- I'm sorry about this.
2512
02:09:42,900 --> 02:09:45,820
Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it.
2513
02:10:01,836 --> 02:10:03,503
Do you want me to drive?
2514
02:10:03,504 --> 02:10:07,258
(SIGHS) No, you don't have to drive me.
I'll drive myself.
2515
02:10:08,217 --> 02:10:12,430
In fact, you're never gonna have to
drive me again because you're fired, Ira.
2516
02:10:12,847 --> 02:10:15,181
You're the only person
that I've ever heard of
2517
02:10:15,182 --> 02:10:17,392
that learnt nothing from
a near-death experience, George.
2518
02:10:17,393 --> 02:10:19,102
You went backwards. You're worse.
2519
02:10:19,103 --> 02:10:21,396
You know what I am? A good friend.
2520
02:10:21,397 --> 02:10:24,983
I would never run to the airport
and rat somebody out.
2521
02:10:24,984 --> 02:10:28,737
I don't have that in my DNA.
That's not a friend, man.
2522
02:10:28,738 --> 02:10:31,197
A friend tells you.
A friend comes up to you and says,
2523
02:10:31,198 --> 02:10:33,408
"Hey, you're in a heap of shit.
You better not do it."
2524
02:10:33,409 --> 02:10:36,536
He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl.
2525
02:10:36,537 --> 02:10:37,662
- Well...
- Wow.
2526
02:10:37,663 --> 02:10:39,831
Good. Fire me.
I don't want to be around you any more,
2527
02:10:39,832 --> 02:10:42,042
'cause you are fucking contagious!
2528
02:10:42,043 --> 02:10:44,377
You think I can't get another assistant?
2529
02:10:44,378 --> 02:10:47,047
I can't get someone else
to write jokes for me?
2530
02:10:47,048 --> 02:10:50,885
You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going,
"Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
2531
02:10:51,469 --> 02:10:54,554
You're a fucking no-thought.
That's the beauty.
2532
02:10:54,555 --> 02:10:57,349
Once you're gone
it never comes back in my brain.
2533
02:10:57,350 --> 02:10:58,975
You think getting Laura
would have made you happy?
2534
02:10:58,976 --> 02:11:00,894
- I know so.
- You think if you had a family right now,
2535
02:11:00,895 --> 02:11:02,270
you would be happy?
2536
02:11:02,271 --> 02:11:05,565
You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always
gonna be stuck with yourself!
2537
02:11:05,566 --> 02:11:11,279
Unless somehow you can get away from you,
you're always gonna be miserable, George.
2538
02:11:11,280 --> 02:11:13,406
You are not funny.
2539
02:11:13,407 --> 02:11:17,912
Well, if that means I'm less like you,
then good, I don't want to be funny, okay?
2540
02:11:18,496 --> 02:11:20,456
Mission accomplished, Ira.
2541
02:11:21,957 --> 02:11:23,501
Bad career choice.
2542
02:11:24,168 --> 02:11:27,420
Comedy usually is for funny people.
2543
02:11:27,421 --> 02:11:28,631
Gotcha.
2544
02:11:33,094 --> 02:11:34,470
(SIGHS)
2545
02:11:45,523 --> 02:11:47,315
(TYRES SCREECHING)
2546
02:11:47,316 --> 02:11:48,401
(GROANS)
2547
02:12:28,107 --> 02:12:30,733
Chances are you've got a lot of stuff
stuffed in your drawers and closets
2548
02:12:30,734 --> 02:12:31,860
that you don't really need.
2549
02:12:31,861 --> 02:12:34,572
Mary Bolster is editor-in-chiefof Natural Health magazine.
2550
02:12:34,780 --> 02:12:37,782
She's here to help you get trashing,
bagging and get organised.
2551
02:12:37,783 --> 02:12:39,492
- Hello, Mary.
- MARY: Hi, Hoda.
2552
02:12:39,493 --> 02:12:42,621
HODA: Okay, we do save things
for the wackiest reasons.
2553
02:12:46,208 --> 02:12:47,835
(WHISPERING) Good morning. Hi.
2554
02:12:49,879 --> 02:12:52,297
I think I'm gonna forgive him today.
2555
02:12:52,298 --> 02:12:53,591
- What? Really?
- Yeah.
2556
02:12:54,091 --> 02:12:55,967
Great! That's great news!
2557
02:12:55,968 --> 02:12:58,636
He's just gonna be so jealous
that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know?
2558
02:12:58,637 --> 02:13:00,638
I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do.
2559
02:13:00,639 --> 02:13:03,559
Well, maybe
we could find something for him.
2560
02:13:04,059 --> 02:13:08,271
You know, if it comes up organically,
definitely, but we shouldn't force it.
2561
02:13:08,272 --> 02:13:09,564
- You know?
- Right.
2562
02:13:09,565 --> 02:13:11,525
I don't want to be on Yo Teach...!
2563
02:13:12,735 --> 02:13:15,529
- It's okay. I forgave you, you know?
- Thank you.
2564
02:13:16,739 --> 02:13:20,534
So, how'd everything go up there
this weekend?
2565
02:13:21,243 --> 02:13:26,248
I think I did the right thing, but George
fired me and punched me in the face.
2566
02:13:28,250 --> 02:13:30,920
- You want to talk about it?
- No.
2567
02:13:32,421 --> 02:13:35,758
I kind of wish you would.
It sounds like the greatest story, ever.
2568
02:13:37,510 --> 02:13:39,845
Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it.
2569
02:13:40,930 --> 02:13:45,016
- Well, we're glad you're back.
- Glad you're home.
2570
02:13:45,017 --> 02:13:47,561
I can't believe I have
to start all over again.
2571
02:13:48,729 --> 02:13:51,315
Hey, man, how you doing?
2572
02:13:51,649 --> 02:13:54,901
Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick.
You feeling better now? Over here!
2573
02:13:54,902 --> 02:13:57,529
MAN: George, second lease on life.
What are you gonna do now?
2574
02:13:57,530 --> 02:13:58,696
- Hey, guys, come on.
- Come on, I heard rumours
2575
02:13:58,697 --> 02:14:00,156
about another baby movie.
What do you got, huh?
2576
02:14:00,157 --> 02:14:02,242
Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that.
That should be good.
2577
02:14:02,243 --> 02:14:04,161
Gonna start that in a little bit.
Let me get by you, though.
2578
02:14:16,549 --> 02:14:20,386
- It's nice up here, huh?
- Yeah. How'd you find it?
2579
02:14:21,595 --> 02:14:24,514
Me and my friends, we hike up here
and I always thought,
2580
02:14:24,515 --> 02:14:28,227
"You know, that'd be a great place to take
a woman if you... If you knew one."
2581
02:14:29,436 --> 02:14:31,605
- Well, now you know one.
- Good.
2582
02:14:43,409 --> 02:14:45,202
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2583
02:14:47,204 --> 02:14:49,290
- Hey, I'm gonna give him the light.
- Thanks, Mark.
2584
02:14:51,208 --> 02:14:52,876
Bailey, you're number two.
2585
02:14:59,800 --> 02:15:01,718
Hey, Ira. How you doing?
2586
02:15:01,719 --> 02:15:03,970
- Good. How you doing?
- RANDY: Wassup, big money?
2587
02:15:03,971 --> 02:15:07,600
- You guys know each other?
- Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian.
2588
02:15:08,183 --> 02:15:09,976
Randy, what's happening?
2589
02:15:09,977 --> 02:15:13,105
I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday.
Made me a little panini.
2590
02:15:14,064 --> 02:15:16,609
Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice.
2591
02:15:17,026 --> 02:15:19,194
Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again.
2592
02:15:20,154 --> 02:15:21,572
GEORGE: So, you're going up?
2593
02:15:21,905 --> 02:15:24,491
Yeah, I'm about to go up now.
See you guys.
2594
02:15:26,243 --> 02:15:27,369
Later!
2595
02:15:29,163 --> 02:15:31,539
Thank you. Thank you.
2596
02:15:31,540 --> 02:15:35,126
My friends are very sexually aggressive,
which is hard for me.
2597
02:15:35,127 --> 02:15:37,045
You know, we'll watch television
and they'll just see...
2598
02:15:37,046 --> 02:15:39,047
A hot girl will come on
and they'll just be,
2599
02:15:39,048 --> 02:15:42,592
"Man, I wanna fuck the shit out
of that girl, man!
2600
02:15:42,593 --> 02:15:44,385
I'm gonna fuck that girl!"
2601
02:15:44,386 --> 02:15:47,263
And I, like, can't even say that.
I can't even pretend I would do that.
2602
02:15:47,264 --> 02:15:52,061
I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like,
"Man, I would friend the shit out of her!
2603
02:15:53,270 --> 02:15:58,067
"I'd friend her all night!
I would be her girlfriend!
2604
02:15:58,567 --> 02:16:01,528
"I would drive her to the airport, man!
2605
02:16:02,863 --> 02:16:06,784
"I would hold her purse
while she shopped, all over her tits!"
2606
02:16:07,534 --> 02:16:09,119
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
2607
02:16:13,749 --> 02:16:15,042
Thank you.
2608
02:16:16,043 --> 02:16:19,546
Hi, I need a pound of turkey
and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please.
2609
02:16:21,006 --> 02:16:22,173
(CLEARS THROAT)
2610
02:16:22,174 --> 02:16:25,219
- Um. Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay?
- Okay, thanks.
2611
02:16:26,428 --> 02:16:28,346
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
The last time I came here,
2612
02:16:28,347 --> 02:16:32,058
the roast beef you gave me
had the string still around it
2613
02:16:32,059 --> 02:16:36,730
and I was unaware of this
and fed it to my husband, and he choked.
2614
02:16:40,317 --> 02:16:41,902
How's it going, George?
2615
02:16:43,278 --> 02:16:46,906
You get a break or anything
where you can talk?
2616
02:16:46,907 --> 02:16:50,494
Okay, yeah. Sure.
Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man?
2617
02:16:52,371 --> 02:16:53,706
Shit.
2618
02:16:54,748 --> 02:16:55,749
(CAMERA CLICKS)
2619
02:16:59,294 --> 02:17:00,295
(SIGHS)
2620
02:17:06,051 --> 02:17:08,554
So, you had to get your job back here, huh?
2621
02:17:10,180 --> 02:17:14,268
Yeah. You know, I figured
I could use a little job stability.
2622
02:17:14,977 --> 02:17:16,186
Oh, I'm sorry.
2623
02:17:16,854 --> 02:17:20,149
I get health insurance. It's pretty good.
2624
02:17:20,858 --> 02:17:27,114
So, I thought a lot about
what you said in the car to me.
2625
02:17:28,073 --> 02:17:31,785
A few of those things
might have been accurate.
2626
02:17:32,703 --> 02:17:36,498
You tried to help me and I'm sorry
I put you in the middle of all that stuff.
2627
02:17:37,166 --> 02:17:40,042
I'm better in my body.
2628
02:17:40,043 --> 02:17:43,756
My brain has a ways to go, though.
2629
02:17:45,966 --> 02:17:48,552
How are you doing, though?
You're doing okay?
2630
02:17:52,431 --> 02:17:53,891
I don't know, Ira.
2631
02:17:58,437 --> 02:17:59,438
I...
2632
02:18:00,063 --> 02:18:03,400
I caught your whole set
the other night, Ira. Nice.
2633
02:18:04,067 --> 02:18:05,860
Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm.
2634
02:18:05,861 --> 02:18:10,072
You're starting to be the Ira I like
in real life onstage.
2635
02:18:10,073 --> 02:18:12,867
Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up
a lot lately, so it's going well.
2636
02:18:12,868 --> 02:18:15,954
Yeah, you were funny,
and it was a fart-free set.
2637
02:18:16,330 --> 02:18:20,333
I wrote some stuff down that night that...
Some jokes.
2638
02:18:20,334 --> 02:18:24,003
- You want to hear it?
- You what?
2639
02:18:24,004 --> 02:18:27,257
I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you
last night. It was bizarre.
2640
02:18:27,966 --> 02:18:30,969
I'm not saying they're
good jokes, but I try.
2641
02:18:33,013 --> 02:18:34,514
You actually wrote them down!
2642
02:18:34,515 --> 02:18:37,100
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My fucking memory's horrible.
2643
02:18:37,810 --> 02:18:41,730
That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing.
What's that?
2644
02:18:42,189 --> 02:18:43,940
- Oh, like, "My video game..."
- Yeah.
2645
02:18:43,941 --> 02:18:45,817
"My video game told me I'm fat?"
2646
02:18:45,818 --> 02:18:47,693
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah.
2647
02:18:47,694 --> 02:18:52,365
Right, right. You could maybe say, "I mean,
that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy."
2648
02:18:52,366 --> 02:18:53,741
Oh, that's really funny.
2649
02:18:53,742 --> 02:18:57,703
"And the Wii is similar to my grandmother.
She used to tell me I'm getting chubby
2650
02:18:57,704 --> 02:19:00,832
"and then bring me chicken parmesan
and say, 'Why are you so fat?"'
2651
02:19:00,833 --> 02:19:03,292
(LAUGHING) That's really funny!
2652
02:19:03,293 --> 02:19:06,504
It's true. The video game made me fat
and... It is like my grandmother.
2653
02:19:06,505 --> 02:19:07,672
- All right.
- "Why are you so fat?
2654
02:19:07,673 --> 02:19:09,507
"Here's four gallons of chocolate milk."
2655
02:19:09,508 --> 02:19:11,092
- That's good!
- She would always do that.
2656
02:19:11,093 --> 02:19:13,052
- That's good.
- I got one I've been afraid to tell,
2657
02:19:13,053 --> 02:19:16,973
kind of, about, like, Viagra.
It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra
2658
02:19:16,974 --> 02:19:20,017
"and he thought he was tittie-fucking
my grandmother..."
2659
02:19:20,018 --> 02:19:21,602
- Yeah?
- "But then he realised he was tittie-fucking
2660
02:19:21,603 --> 02:19:23,354
"his own balls."
2661
02:19:23,355 --> 02:19:24,564
(BOTH LAUGHING)
2662
02:19:24,565 --> 02:19:27,358
- That's funny! You got to do that!
- That's pretty funny, huh?
2663
02:19:27,359 --> 02:19:30,111
You got to say that the thing...
That when you're that old
2664
02:19:30,112 --> 02:19:32,655
and you have a boner that
there's not a good position, you know?
2665
02:19:32,656 --> 02:19:33,906
That's funny! That's really...
2666
02:19:33,907 --> 02:19:37,535
You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt.
You get water on your knee.
2667
02:19:37,536 --> 02:19:39,370
- "I can't even hold myself up in..."
- Exactly.
2668
02:19:39,371 --> 02:19:41,248
- "What would an old man do?"
- Yeah...
2669
02:19:41,540 --> 02:19:43,333
(ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
2670
02:21:53,672 --> 02:21:55,423
WARREN ZEVON: Let's do
another bad one then
2671
02:21:55,424 --> 02:21:58,969
'cause I like it when the blood drains
from David's face.
2672
02:21:59,386 --> 02:22:01,138
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
2673
02:23:56,628 --> 02:23:57,753
MABLE: Okay.
2674
02:23:57,754 --> 02:23:59,798
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
2675
02:24:25,574 --> 02:24:32,079
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days.
2676
02:24:32,080 --> 02:24:37,836
The stale cold smell of morning.
2677
02:24:39,379 --> 02:24:45,677
The streetlamp dies, another night is over.
2678
02:24:46,344 --> 02:24:51,975
Another day is dawning.
2679
02:24:53,768 --> 02:24:59,107
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me.
2680
02:24:59,691 --> 02:25:06,198
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun.
2681
02:25:07,574 --> 02:25:13,914
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is.
2682
02:25:15,123 --> 02:25:19,710
Look, a new day
2683
02:25:19,711 --> 02:25:24,382
has begun
229120
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