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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,607 MAN: Let's call American Express. You lost your card, 2 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:25,775 (WOMAN LAUGHS) 3 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:26,943 and you don't know what the number of it is. 4 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,237 GEORGE: That's a great one. MAN: Do the old lady. 5 00:00:29,238 --> 00:00:31,531 GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) I lost my card. 6 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,657 (WOMAN LAUGHING) 7 00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,617 WOMAN: Your... Your accent went in and out on you sometimes. 8 00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:35,868 GEORGE: I went southern and then... 9 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,745 (ON PHONE) American Express. I'm Danille, how may I help you? 10 00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,872 GEORGE: (lMITATING OLD WOMAN) I certainly need some assistance. 11 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:42,500 I'm sorry to call you in such a frenzy, 12 00:00:42,501 --> 00:00:48,256 but I'm very shook up. I got my American Express card stolen. 13 00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:50,341 WOMAN: Okay, can I have your last name, please? 14 00:00:50,342 --> 00:00:51,343 GEORGE: Yes. 15 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,387 - What's your last name? - Right. 16 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:57,265 Okay, can you give me your name so I can look up your account? 17 00:00:57,266 --> 00:00:59,809 - Yes. Helen. - What's your last name, please? 18 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,019 Easafawn. 19 00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:02,979 What? 20 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:04,105 (WOMAN SNICKERS) 21 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:07,066 Helen Easafawn. 22 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,611 E-A 23 00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:14,992 S-A-fawn. 24 00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,411 (ON PHONE) Jerry's Famous Deli. This is Cindy. May I help you? 25 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,999 Hi. I have no legs. May I speak to the manager? 26 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,166 (RECEIVER CLICKS) 27 00:01:23,333 --> 00:01:25,085 (MAN LAUGHING) 28 00:01:25,752 --> 00:01:30,590 Now, if I get a bill and it's something, like, for... 29 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:32,092 (STUTTERING) 30 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,262 (ALL SNICKER) 31 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:40,684 But two times in a row I eat the damn roast beef and I'm... 32 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:45,438 I can't stop going to the bathroom! 33 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,190 MAN: Well, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do for you. 34 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:49,401 MAN: Ma? 35 00:01:50,193 --> 00:01:53,988 - And my son thinks I'm crazy. - Ma, who you calling? 36 00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,198 It's Jerry's. And don't tell me not to call them. 37 00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,367 Jesus Christ, get off the fucking phone! 38 00:01:58,368 --> 00:02:01,454 - Don't talk to me that way! - Get off the fucking phone! 39 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,873 - What's going on? - MAN: Same thing as the last time. 40 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,249 Did she... What'd she call you about? 41 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,542 - The roast beef? - Yes. 42 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:08,586 All right, she just puked in the kitchen. 43 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:11,047 That's all right. I suggested that she doesn't eat roast beef 44 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:12,924 if it doesn't agree with her. 45 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,344 (WOMAN SNICKERING) 46 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:22,433 I... l appreciate your suggestions, but I love roast beef. 47 00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,935 It's delicious! 48 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:29,441 - MAN: Go clean up the mess! - (CRYING) I can't. Get off of me! 49 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:31,442 You son of a bitch! 50 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:32,778 (ALL SNICKERING) 51 00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:34,945 (DIAL TONE BEEPING) 52 00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:36,782 (ALL LAUGHING) 53 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:18,115 George? 54 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:27,416 - GIRL: Hi, Mr Simmons. - Ladies. 55 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,920 George Simmons, man! Can I get a picture? 56 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,005 Yeah, yeah. You got it ready? All right, hit me, baby, all right. 57 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,800 Get a little tittie in there. Come on. 58 00:03:37,008 --> 00:03:38,467 - How are you? - You're really funny. 59 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,094 Thank you. You're funnier. 60 00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:41,888 (SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY) 61 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,014 - Hello. - Hi! 62 00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,641 - Gentlemen. Gentlemen. - Hey, what's up? 63 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:47,060 GEORGE: Hey. How are you? 64 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:02,700 - Hey, handsome. - Doctor. 65 00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,827 - How are you, kid? - How are you, baby? 66 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:05,829 (DR STEVENS CLEARS THROAT) 67 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:10,583 GEORGE: The Lunestas are working, baby. Those are smooth. No hangover. 68 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:15,337 Fall asleep, bam. Fucking what was the deal with the Restorils? 69 00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:19,049 Why did you give me those? You trying to fuck with me or something? 70 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:22,762 George, we got the results back from the follow-up of your blood count 71 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,473 and it's not what we hoped for. 72 00:04:25,474 --> 00:04:29,226 As I mentioned earlier, the CBC was abnormal. 73 00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:34,106 Your white blood cells were four times the size that they should be. 74 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:37,985 And very low haemoglobin, seven grams per decilitre. 75 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,154 I don't understand what you're saying right now. 76 00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:42,616 Can you speak how people speak? 77 00:04:43,241 --> 00:04:46,243 You have a very serious disease. It's called AML. 78 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:51,081 It's a form of leukaemia and I can't predict how this will play out, 79 00:04:51,082 --> 00:04:54,628 but I feel you have a rough road ahead of you. 80 00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,761 - That's George Simmons, right here. - George! George! George Simmons! 81 00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:06,263 Hey, man! How, how you doing, man? I'm a big fan of yours. 82 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,849 (INAUDIBLE) 83 00:05:26,076 --> 00:05:30,454 I'm sorry to say we're past the point where traditional structures 84 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:34,125 like chemotherapy and radiation would be effective at all. 85 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:38,839 DR STEVENS: And I think it's best for us to pursue an experimental course. 86 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:45,803 CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am. Your tamales. 87 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,180 - Thanks for shopping at Otto's. - Yo, Chuck, 88 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:50,057 I'm going up at the Comedy & Magic Club doing stand-up. 89 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:53,812 - You should come watch me. - Don't let him suck you in. He's not funny. 90 00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:56,647 Nah, he's right, man. No way, man. That shit was painful. 91 00:05:56,648 --> 00:05:58,732 I mean, it was hard watching you suffer up there. 92 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,484 I had fucking nightmares after that. 93 00:06:00,485 --> 00:06:02,027 That was a long time ago. That was months ago. 94 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,530 - I've gotten a lot funnier since then. - Then you bored my wife to sleep. 95 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:08,576 - I couldn't get no pussy that night, man. - Don't blame me for your pussy issues. 96 00:06:08,577 --> 00:06:10,160 - Are they gonna pay you? - Pay me? No! 97 00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:12,162 That's just how it starts. You don't get paid in the beginning. 98 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:14,249 You gotta, you know, work your way up through the ranks. 99 00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:16,333 My nigger, how the fuck you in show business 100 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,835 when you got no business to show? 101 00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,504 I'm supposed to be writing jokes. I'm supposed to be doing comedy. 102 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:22,798 I'm not supposed to be making macaroni salad. 103 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,593 I hate it, man. It's depressing. Otto's sucks! 104 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,803 You don't know about no motherfucking hard time, man. 105 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,098 I'm a ex-convict, man. Otto's the only place that would hire me. 106 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,392 - You too good for Otto's now? - I'm not too good for it. 107 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:35,728 I just don't... It's not for me, you know, I'm sorry. 108 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,814 - See that bridge? 1,200 bucks. - Okay. 109 00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:41,609 On the house, man! Otto, man! Otto's my lotto. 110 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,236 Come on, man, look. I can't work here any more, all right? 111 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,030 What, you gonna be on TV or some shit like that? 112 00:06:46,031 --> 00:06:48,032 - I am gonna be on TV. - The chunky guy on Survivor or some shit? 113 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:51,244 - No, I'm gonna be like Seinfeld. - Get the fuck out of here, man! 114 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:54,872 You ain't gonna be like Seinfeld. Seinfeld's my motherfucking man! 115 00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,248 Now Kramer, 116 00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:59,043 Kramer gets a pass from me 'cause Kramer's my nigger. 117 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:01,211 Well, very forgiving of you. 118 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,380 Look, as a friend, man, let me tell you something. 119 00:07:03,381 --> 00:07:04,548 You're not funny. 120 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:07,468 I mean, you look funny, but you're not funny, man. That shit is sad. 121 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,304 But, yo, I ain't got no dough, man. For real, if I had some dough, I would go. 122 00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:13,432 - I'll pay your cover charge. - That's the night I take my wife out also, 123 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,225 so you gotta pay for my bitch, too. 124 00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:17,603 Okay, I'll do it. Okay. If you come and laugh. Laugh loud. 125 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:18,729 (LAUGHS) 126 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:19,855 - Like that? - That's good. Perfect. 127 00:07:19,856 --> 00:07:21,982 - I'll see you Saturday then. - Okay, good. Thank you. 128 00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,360 Craig, listen to me. I'm doing the best I can, okay? 129 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:29,031 I wiped your ass our entire childhood. Now it's your turn, buddy! 130 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:31,325 Well, you're the one that asked the wizard to make you young again. 131 00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,035 didn't mean this young! 132 00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:34,328 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 133 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:37,998 Last time I had a suit on, at my barmitzvah. My barmitzvah, it was the last... 134 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,750 And now I got the same suit. It's the same suit. 135 00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:43,170 I think it looks good. The barmitzvah was a good day in my life. 136 00:07:43,171 --> 00:07:45,381 I made more money that day than I think I'll ever make again. 137 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:46,507 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 138 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,927 You know, it's really sad. To peak at 13 is a weird feeling. 139 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,178 MAN: This is indicative of the kind of... 140 00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,680 GEORGE: Yo. Yo. Shoot that. Look at that! 141 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:56,016 Both those girls just go, "That's the guy from MTV." 142 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,686 I swear on my life, those two girls, they were just going, 143 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:01,230 "That's the guy." It's the second time it happened. 144 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:05,609 I got off a... l got off, I got off the bus, and... 145 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,487 I mean, the train. I'm walking out... 146 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:46,567 Me and Ann traded shifts. My family's in from Green Bay. 147 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:49,611 You know, come to see how their daughter's doing in the big city. 148 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,530 You know, wait, you went to school here, right? 149 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:52,866 (PHONE RINGING) 150 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:58,454 - LAURA: Hello? - Hey, Laura, it's George. 151 00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:02,083 How's the northern side of California going? 152 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,669 What do you want, George? 153 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:10,508 I was wondering if you had a few minutes. I wanted to talk to you about something. 154 00:09:10,967 --> 00:09:15,554 Actually, I don't. I was just walking out the door. 155 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:18,641 Is it okay if I get your number and I'll give you a call back later? 156 00:09:19,350 --> 00:09:21,435 I know I'm not supposed to call you. 157 00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,897 I just wanted to let you know that, 158 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,735 that I really am so sorry about everything. 159 00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,864 I'm sorry, I screwed up. 160 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,909 Too bad you didn't realise that back then, but 161 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:40,163 anyway, I gotta go. Do you want me to call you back? 162 00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:44,084 No, you don't have to call me back. I know you're not going to, 163 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,711 but I just wanted to let you know I was sorry one more time. 164 00:09:47,712 --> 00:09:50,714 Okay. Well, all right. Okay, good luck, George. 165 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:51,758 Okay. 166 00:09:55,136 --> 00:09:56,221 (CLEARS THROAT) 167 00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,389 I was thinking of doing this thing where, like, 168 00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,016 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. 169 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,518 I'm kind of, like, right in the middle, you know. 170 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:06,230 Like... Like, if I had a good personality, I could get any chick in the world, 171 00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:08,232 - but I don't. - Yeah, it doesn't work. 172 00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:10,984 I auditioned for Budd Friedman at the Improv. 173 00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:13,988 - He okayed me and made me a regular. - Budd won't even look me in the eye. 174 00:10:14,155 --> 00:10:17,282 Man, that's... Good for you, man. Congratulations. 175 00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,243 You shouldn't have lost all that weight, man. 176 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,911 There's nothing funny about a physically-fit man. 177 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:22,788 - I know. It's lame, right? - Yeah. 178 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,790 No one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy. 179 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:27,293 - (SIGHING) Oh, God. - Hey, Ira. 180 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,671 Hey, Mark. Can you do me a favour and never leave a paycheck 181 00:10:30,672 --> 00:10:33,257 from your shit sitcom on my pillow ever again, please? 182 00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:36,468 (SIGHS) That is so rude of me to accidentally leave my paycheck 183 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:40,305 for $25,000 on your pillow. I'm sorry. 184 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,808 - It's a dick move. - It's just, they keep coming, 185 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,143 you know, week after week. 186 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,270 It's getting a little bit hard to keep track of them all. 187 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,896 You know what? Becoming marginally famous 188 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:49,606 has really turned you into an asshole. 189 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:53,819 Now listen, I'd love to stay here and chat with you, but we have company. 190 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,113 You know that girl comedian who lives across the street? 191 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,823 The one with the dark hair and the bangs? 192 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:58,991 - Daisy, yeah. - Daisy, right. 193 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,327 Well, I bumped into her outside and I invited her in, 194 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,997 and she's sitting in our living room right now. 195 00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,373 She's out there right now? 196 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:09,334 She's hot and she's mousy, but kind of like... 197 00:11:09,335 --> 00:11:11,753 She's mousy like a mouse you want to stick your dick in. 198 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,755 Yeah, you've gotta get out there and talk to her. 199 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:16,258 - Why would you do that? - What do you mean, why would I do that? 200 00:11:16,259 --> 00:11:18,594 - I'm trying to hook you up. - Well, I'm laying groundwork, man. 201 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,637 I got a three-month plan. You can't just throw me into this. 202 00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,848 I'll give you 10 days on your three-month plan. 203 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,516 No, I need 80 more days than that! 204 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:28,687 Okay, I do this because I care about you. I do this to motivate you. 205 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:32,649 But I will fuck that girl in 10 days. I promise. 206 00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,401 Come on, dude, I'm not cute like you. 207 00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:37,821 I don't look like Jackson Browne. I look like Jon Favreau! 208 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,365 Don't do this to me. Don't make me fuck her. 209 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:41,742 Well, then just don't fuck her! 210 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,203 Don't you put me in this corner where I have to fuck my way out. 211 00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:47,206 He'll do it, too. He'll do it. I've seen him do this before. 212 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,168 I'm gonna go out there and warm her up. I'll see you out there. 213 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,002 - Kanye. - Kanye! 214 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,170 - No. Tl. - Tl. 215 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,713 - Lil Weezy. - It's all about Common. 216 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,340 - Eminem. - MARK: But do you guys know 217 00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:58,551 who the greatest rapper of all time is? 218 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,721 (SINGING) William Shakespeare! 219 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:03,889 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 220 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:07,309 I know it's silly, but it's fun. You know, people like it. 221 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,560 - Yeah. - You know? 222 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:11,146 It's just cool that you're on TV. I mean... 223 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,024 I can't believe you haven't seen this before. 224 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:16,652 Yeah, I can't believe it's gotten by me. 225 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:20,572 Is it on a kids channel? WB? A teen channel or something? 226 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,741 MARK: No. It's on NBC. DAISY: Really? 227 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,618 Ira, this is Daisy. 228 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,953 - Daisy, Ira. - Hi. 229 00:12:25,954 --> 00:12:27,079 - How are you? How's it going? - Good. 230 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,082 - Actually, I have a cold, so I shouldn't... - Oh! 231 00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:30,916 Air shake. 232 00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:32,459 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 233 00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,003 I've actually seen you do comedy at the Improv a couple times. 234 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,089 Yeah, you're really... You're really, really funny. 235 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,258 Oh, thanks. 236 00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:41,177 You know, Ira just lost 20 pounds. 237 00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:45,139 - Oh, congratulations. - Yes, I did. All from my cock. 238 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,308 Um... So... 239 00:12:48,351 --> 00:12:52,437 So, this episode right here is actually a two-parter. 240 00:12:52,438 --> 00:12:56,024 Great, so does that mean we're gonna watch both parts right now? 241 00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:57,442 Oh, shoot. Oh, God. 242 00:12:57,443 --> 00:13:00,237 - You need some help with that, Ira? - No! No, it's... 243 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:02,323 It's okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. 244 00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:03,908 Mmm. 245 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,035 (SLURPING) 246 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,789 I'm joking. I'll get a rag. 247 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,207 See you in nine days, Ira! 248 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:13,126 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 249 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:14,626 RANDY: I went to a place recently 250 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,629 I'm convinced is the most fucked up, crazy place 251 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:23,218 I've ever been to. It's a little place called Cold Stone Creamery. 252 00:13:23,219 --> 00:13:24,803 Now, the thing at Cold Stone is... 253 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,431 I can't believe this is what people like. 254 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:33,980 The sizes are "like it, ""love it"and "gotta have it!" 255 00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,316 What kind of crackhead terminology is that? 256 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,569 "What size you want, man?" "I don't know, man, just gotta have it! 257 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,988 "Put some ice cream in a cup with some sprinkles! 258 00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:45,824 "Put your dick in a Butterfinger and fuck it for me, please! 259 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,328 "Put it in the cup! I need it! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 260 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:52,039 "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! 261 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:54,166 "I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!" 262 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:57,128 (SINGING) That's how it's done, son! That's how it's done, son! 263 00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:01,923 Killed it, man. Crowd was crazy. Is it always that wild on a Wednesday? 264 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,675 No, they were... They seem pretty good out there. 265 00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:07,471 I'm really stepping up my game. These bitches gotta start paying me for this. 266 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:10,974 Can't get no more free Randy. I just fucked that crowd in the ass. 267 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:14,102 - Yeah. - Just awesome. Just fucking bam! 268 00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:18,274 Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me... My stand-up's my dick. 269 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,484 (EXCLAIMING) 270 00:14:20,234 --> 00:14:22,278 - You know? - I'm gonna do the same thing. 271 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:27,074 Bullshit! Let's get some M&M's and chips going. 272 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,409 - Yellow! - MAN: lra! 273 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:32,246 Hey. Kevin Rooney didn't show up, so you're gonna do 10 minutes after Leo. 274 00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,582 Really? Okay. Thanks. Yeah. 275 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:36,584 (MOCKING) "Yeah, thanks, yeah." 276 00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:38,169 (SCOFFS) 277 00:14:42,006 --> 00:14:45,092 The other night, I heard my balls and my dick talking. 278 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,469 And my balls were like, 279 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,303 "Are you okay? 280 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:49,847 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 281 00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:52,767 "Is he hurting you?" 282 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:57,814 And my dick's like, "You don't know him like I do. He's a great guy. He loves me." 283 00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:00,941 There's always one guy that laughs way too hard in the... 284 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:04,945 Hey. George Simmons just showed up. He wants to go on, so you are bumped. 285 00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,614 - Okay, how long does he do? - How the fuck should I know? 286 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,324 He hasn't been here in five years, but you gotta be ready. 287 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:10,450 - Okay. - Okay. 288 00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:12,828 LEO: Thank you, guys! It's really nice to be here! 289 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,413 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 290 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,206 - See that? I fucking killed out there. - Yeah, that was good. 291 00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:17,582 - Watch out, Leo, watch out. - All my new shit worked. 292 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,708 - Yeah. - Yeah. 293 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:20,460 I was supposed to go on after you. George Simmons showed up. 294 00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,920 Now I'm gonna go on after him. 295 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,547 - George Simmons is going up right now? - Yeah. 296 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,299 - I just opened for George Simmons? - (SIGHS) Yeah. 297 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,718 That's fucking awesome, man! 298 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,386 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 299 00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,180 Yeah! 300 00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,016 All right! 301 00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:40,355 Yeah, all right, I'm scared. I'm scared for all of you guys. 302 00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:44,277 You need me! You need me. I'm not gonna be here forever. 303 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:49,322 Who's gonna amuse you? It's so simple. 304 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:50,991 You just look at each other and say... 305 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,577 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 306 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,328 Everyone's laughing. 307 00:15:55,329 --> 00:16:00,000 Anyways, I have no religion. My parents did not believe in God. 308 00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:01,710 That was great. They passed that along. 309 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:05,672 I didn't even have a fucking choice. They were like, "Nope, don't do it." 310 00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:08,175 "Really? So, when Grandpa dies he goes to heaven?" 311 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,719 "Nope, he'll be in the ground." 312 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,013 "Thanks, Dad. Should I sleep now? 'Cause l... 313 00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:14,848 "There's no way I'll have a nightmare tonight." 314 00:16:14,849 --> 00:16:17,935 (EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you. I don't believe in nightmares, either. 315 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,729 "Fags have nightmares. 316 00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:24,900 "If there was a God, why would there be a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son. 317 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,985 - "Pleasant dreams." - Simmons is getting a little dark. 318 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:28,111 What is he doing? 319 00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:29,113 (EXHALES) 320 00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:32,742 (SOFTLY) When you hear the waitress's footsteps 321 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:37,914 that's when you know you're not doing well. 322 00:16:39,874 --> 00:16:40,875 (SIGHS) 323 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,753 Oh, boy, it's quiet in here. 324 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:48,549 You hear that? 325 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,471 I think I can hear the freeway. 326 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,766 Hello! I'm Ira Wright. 327 00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:03,063 I'm not good-looking and I'm not bad-looking. I'm kind of right in the middle. 328 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:07,567 So, like, if I had a good personality, that might make it so girls really liked me, 329 00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,529 but I don't. So... 330 00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,489 Um... Uh... 331 00:17:12,907 --> 00:17:15,576 Okay. George Simmons. Wow. 332 00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:17,703 Now what do we do? 333 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:21,289 He seems unhappy with his money. Give it to me, I'll... 334 00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,834 I could really spend that. 335 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,836 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 336 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,129 If he's depressed with his life, I don't know what I'm gonna do. 337 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,299 I live on my friend's pull-out couch. 338 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,593 So, anyway, I... Wait, did you hear that? 339 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:37,013 Yeah, George Simmons just shot himself in the face backstage. 340 00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:39,308 It's sad knowing merman's crying inside. 341 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:40,685 Uh-oh! 342 00:17:41,143 --> 00:17:43,478 Is he organising a mass suicide? Is that where you're going? 343 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,146 Are you joining him? 344 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:47,692 Save some Kool-Aid for me. Just do it. 345 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:52,112 Don't worry, the next guy who's coming out has a dove hidden up his asshole, so... 346 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:54,281 And then Robin Williams is gonna slit his wrists out here. 347 00:17:54,282 --> 00:17:55,616 So, that's nice, also. 348 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,286 I am Ira Wright, everybody. Thank you, very much. Have a good night. 349 00:17:59,287 --> 00:18:00,830 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 350 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,583 (SIGHS) 351 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:05,960 Give me a break. 352 00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,176 Yo! Hey! Hey! 353 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,349 This fucking guy. 354 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:23,685 What's up? 355 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:26,689 Hey. I'm sorry. 356 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,817 I'm parked right on the other side of you and I can't get in. 357 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,361 What, you come here to make some jokes to my face now? 358 00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:34,863 You're hard to follow. I didn't know what to say. 359 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,198 - I'm sorry about that. - No, don't be. 360 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:39,035 I would've done the same. You had to comment on it. 361 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,662 Yeah, you had some funny shit. 362 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:44,749 - You're a good writer. - Thank you. 363 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,003 Your friend... Is that your friend? The fatter version of you? 364 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:52,339 He's my roommate. Yeah, he's really funny. 365 00:18:52,340 --> 00:18:54,759 You got good stuff. You're gonna be all right. 366 00:18:55,259 --> 00:18:57,344 Wow, that is so nice of you to say, man. 367 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:58,970 That's so... I appreciate it. Hey! 368 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,348 You know, well, I've been a really big fan of yours. All of us. 369 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,892 We kind of grew up on your shit and, you know, incidentally. 370 00:19:03,893 --> 00:19:06,354 So, that's so nice of you to say, man. Thanks. 371 00:19:07,938 --> 00:19:09,106 Thank you! 372 00:19:10,358 --> 00:19:11,566 Nice to meet you, man! 373 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:12,692 (ENGINE REVVING) 374 00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,779 You're gonna die! 375 00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:19,325 And I'm gonna kill you! 376 00:19:19,575 --> 00:19:20,785 (LAUGHING) 377 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,411 (BREATHES DEEPLY) 378 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,955 Man, that was awesome. 379 00:19:25,456 --> 00:19:27,792 (JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING) 380 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:36,926 LEO: Cats. 381 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,470 - Can you dig it? - Mmm-hmm. 382 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,305 Just a bunch of cats. 383 00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,391 Then me doing stuff. 384 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,018 Then back to the cats doing stuff. 385 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:50,230 You've gotten 700,000 hits in four days from this? 386 00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:54,192 Yep. If you put "cute kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, 387 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,735 - you're gonna get a million hits. - Mmm-hmm. 388 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:57,404 And then I link that to my website 389 00:19:57,405 --> 00:20:00,031 and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius. 390 00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:03,118 Why don't you just call it like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? 391 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:05,578 And then more people would google that. 392 00:20:05,579 --> 00:20:08,748 Hi. I've got two girls coming over here in a little bit. 393 00:20:08,749 --> 00:20:11,292 Can you fold up your bed, please, into the couch? 394 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,336 I don't want the place to look like a mess when they get here. 395 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,671 Okay, I'm sorry. I was watching this thing. 396 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:15,797 (PHONE RINGING) 397 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,174 MARK: All right? Okay. 398 00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:20,553 Hello? 399 00:20:21,011 --> 00:20:22,638 Hey, this is George Simmons. 400 00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,180 (LAUGHS) 401 00:20:24,181 --> 00:20:26,349 Fuck you, Craig. What's happening, man? 402 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,353 It's not your dumb-ass friend Craig. It's George Simmons. 403 00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:31,813 Oh! 404 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:34,733 I'm sorry. Hey. Hey, how's it going, man? 405 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:37,819 Hey, hey, good job last night. You guys were pretty funny. 406 00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:40,740 You and the triple-XL version of you. 407 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:45,243 Oh, yeah. Thank... Thank you. That's... I... Well, I appreciate that. 408 00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,288 You guys are all right. Good job. l... 409 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:51,167 I'm doing this corporate gig for MySpace 410 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,961 and I'm gonna need some jokes and shit. 411 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:57,548 I was thinking maybe you guys would want to write me some. 412 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:04,763 You know, he's kind of a flaky guy, but I'm... I've got nothing going on, man. 413 00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:08,100 I would... I'd love to do that. Sure. Totally. I'm in. 414 00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:09,769 What kind of jokes do you need? 415 00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:13,396 Just shit about them or computers or whatever they like. 416 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,442 When you sprinkle a little lemon there, they get excited, you know. 417 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,568 That's no problem. That makes sense. 418 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,945 So, you want to be held accountable, come watch me do them tomorrow? 419 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,489 - I'll take you to the gig. - Okay, cool, yeah. 420 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:25,117 How should I... How should I... How should I get them to you? 421 00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:28,870 I can give you my fax number and my e-mail. 422 00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:32,373 - What's your e-mail? - My e-mail? 423 00:21:32,374 --> 00:21:38,589 It's irasexira@yahoo.com. 424 00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:43,510 Wow. I'm just... I'm starting to reconsider asking you. 425 00:21:43,511 --> 00:21:45,970 Don't do that. It's from high school. It was funny then. 426 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,388 Yeah, you should change it. 427 00:21:47,389 --> 00:21:49,224 It's, like, 13 years old. Okay, I will. 428 00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:52,686 - I mean change it now. - Okay, I'll change it, I'll change it ASAP. 429 00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:55,563 Okay, don't say "ASAP," either. 430 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:59,526 And don't say "I'm chilling" or "It's all good" or any of that stuff. 431 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:02,654 Okay, I don't. I don't chill anyway, so I won't. 432 00:22:02,655 --> 00:22:04,948 And it's not all good, so don't worry. 433 00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:06,574 - Okay, Ira. - Okay. 434 00:22:06,575 --> 00:22:08,409 All right, Ira. 435 00:22:08,410 --> 00:22:09,411 (lRA LAUGHING) 436 00:22:11,997 --> 00:22:15,375 Guys, that was George Simmons on the phone. 437 00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:16,876 He saw me do stand-up. 438 00:22:16,877 --> 00:22:19,337 He thinks I'm funny! He wants me to write jokes for him! 439 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:20,798 - What? - Yep! 440 00:22:21,340 --> 00:22:24,008 - Why? - Why? He thinks I'm funny! 441 00:22:24,009 --> 00:22:26,595 - This doesn't make any sense at all. - No? 442 00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:28,764 Jeez, I gotta get started. 443 00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:32,309 - What is happening? - You forgot about the bed! 444 00:22:34,937 --> 00:22:40,149 Friends. Friends on MySpace. Nerds. Nerds... Nerds have no friends in real life. 445 00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:43,736 The more friends on MySpace, the less friends you have in real life. 446 00:22:43,737 --> 00:22:45,780 "How does the softball team at MySpace work? 447 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:48,700 "Does everyone get picked last?" That could be funny. 448 00:22:48,701 --> 00:22:51,244 At some point, you should have George say, "Fuck Facebook!" 449 00:22:51,245 --> 00:22:52,830 "Fuck Facebook in the face!" 450 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,289 (BOTH LAUGH) 451 00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:58,167 So, like, that's funny. All right, tell George I wrote that, okay? 452 00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,335 - Totally. Totally, man. - You gotta be like, 453 00:22:59,336 --> 00:23:00,921 - "Leo wrote that." - Yeah, no, no, no, totally. 454 00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:14,685 (CAR HONKS) 455 00:23:14,894 --> 00:23:16,520 Hey, Ira, I think this is him! 456 00:23:19,273 --> 00:23:20,398 (CHUCKLES) 457 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:23,318 - He's got a limo! - Can we go out and meet him? 458 00:23:23,319 --> 00:23:26,571 No, no, no. You can't say hi to him. Just let me get in with him a little more 459 00:23:26,572 --> 00:23:27,947 before I introduce people to him. 460 00:23:27,948 --> 00:23:29,449 Don't kiss his ass too hard, all right? 461 00:23:29,450 --> 00:23:31,659 Stars hate it when you kiss their ass too hard. 462 00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,578 - I hate it when people kiss my ass too hard. - You do? 463 00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:34,996 You hate it when people kiss your ass too hard? 464 00:23:34,997 --> 00:23:36,248 I hate it. 465 00:23:44,465 --> 00:23:48,468 - Man! - Hey. I feel like we're going to prom. 466 00:23:48,469 --> 00:23:51,972 Okay, well, we're not. Okay, let's hit it! 467 00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:55,642 This is good. I like this one 468 00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:59,479 about the guy from MySpace and the guy from Craigslist getting into a fight. 469 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:00,730 That's funny. 470 00:24:00,731 --> 00:24:02,231 You're excited. 471 00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,525 - I am excited. - Yeah, that's good. It's good to be excited. 472 00:24:04,526 --> 00:24:08,030 - I used to be excited. - Well, it's awesome. It's exciting. 473 00:24:08,238 --> 00:24:10,532 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 474 00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:13,369 (EXCLAIMS) 475 00:24:13,911 --> 00:24:15,495 (PEOPLE CHEERING) 476 00:24:15,496 --> 00:24:16,497 Wow! 477 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:26,382 GEORGE: Thank you! 478 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:38,227 Yeah! 479 00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:42,355 Brought the nice legs with you. Good job. 480 00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,107 - Hello, hello. - Good to see you, sir. 481 00:24:44,108 --> 00:24:45,441 - Welcome aboard. - Thank you. 482 00:24:45,442 --> 00:24:46,567 - The name's Dave. - Hi, Dave. 483 00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:49,028 We may hit a few bumps up there, nothing too crazy. We'll get you there. 484 00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,154 - Okay, cool! - All right. 485 00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:52,156 - Hope you enjoy Chinese food. - I love it! 486 00:24:52,157 --> 00:24:54,034 - Very good. Enjoy your flight. - Thank you. 487 00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:55,911 Wow! 488 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,251 You guys were a little late, so we had to put up James Taylor first. 489 00:25:03,252 --> 00:25:06,295 (SINGING) Karen, she's a silver sun. 490 00:25:06,296 --> 00:25:09,842 You'd best walk her way and watch it shine. 491 00:25:11,093 --> 00:25:14,388 Watch her watch the morning come. 492 00:25:16,974 --> 00:25:23,605 A silver tear appearing now that I'm cryin', ain't! 493 00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:28,651 I'm going to Carolina in my mind. 494 00:25:28,652 --> 00:25:31,195 - How'd you guys get him? - Everybody's got their price. 495 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:33,699 Last year, we had Roger Waters doing Dark Side of the Moon. 496 00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:37,369 That love's the finest thing around... 497 00:25:37,828 --> 00:25:40,580 Okay, I thought it could be funny if you just go, 498 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:42,623 "Fuck Facebook in the face!" 499 00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,252 All right. Hey, you do five minutes before I go up there. 500 00:25:45,961 --> 00:25:49,422 What? No. No, I can't follow Fire and Rain. Are you kidding me, man? 501 00:25:49,423 --> 00:25:51,633 I can't follow it, either. That's why you're going up there. 502 00:25:52,176 --> 00:25:59,016 Oh, yeah. 503 00:26:02,853 --> 00:26:04,605 Thank you, MySpace! 504 00:26:07,733 --> 00:26:09,275 Fuck Facebook! 505 00:26:09,276 --> 00:26:11,070 (ALL CHEERING LOUDLY) 506 00:26:11,862 --> 00:26:13,697 - I can't believe that. - He did the Facebook joke! 507 00:26:14,198 --> 00:26:15,615 - (LAUGHING) Yeah! - He did the Facebook... 508 00:26:15,616 --> 00:26:17,742 I can't follow this, man. I can't go on right now. 509 00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:21,413 Give me this shit. Get up there. Be a man. 510 00:26:23,540 --> 00:26:25,209 This is a pretty big room. 511 00:26:28,504 --> 00:26:29,838 Lot of people here. 512 00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:33,383 Let's have another round of applause for James Taylor, everybody. 513 00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:43,018 Yeah, do you actually use MySpace? 514 00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:47,064 No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom. I don't have time for that. 515 00:26:47,856 --> 00:26:51,234 I wonder if Tom and Craig from Craigslist would ever get in a fight with each other. 516 00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:52,360 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 517 00:26:52,361 --> 00:26:54,988 Who would win that fight? That's what I want to know. 518 00:26:59,409 --> 00:27:01,537 Tom or Craig, who's tougher? 519 00:27:02,246 --> 00:27:05,498 Tom has more friends, so that's probably good. 520 00:27:05,499 --> 00:27:07,500 Craig has weirder friends, though. 521 00:27:07,501 --> 00:27:09,043 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 522 00:27:09,044 --> 00:27:12,881 Craig has friends that are willing to do a lot more for cash. I will say that. 523 00:27:19,179 --> 00:27:20,346 Eh? 524 00:27:20,347 --> 00:27:23,057 What the fuck was that all about? You did all the jokes you wrote for me. 525 00:27:23,058 --> 00:27:25,476 Man, I know. I'm sorry. I panicked. It's all they wanted. 526 00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:26,978 They just wanted MySpace jokes. They didn't want... 527 00:27:26,979 --> 00:27:28,312 That's why I hired you to write me MySpace jokes. 528 00:27:28,313 --> 00:27:30,773 I know, I'm sorry. That one, I didn't tell that one. That one will work. 529 00:27:30,774 --> 00:27:33,901 - I guarantee you. - It better work. They're paying me 300 grand. 530 00:27:33,902 --> 00:27:35,654 - TOM: Mr George Simmons! - Really? 531 00:27:39,950 --> 00:27:44,162 Thank you. Thank you. All right, Tom, thank you. 532 00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:47,874 Good evening, nerds! Yes! 533 00:27:47,875 --> 00:27:51,335 What about Ira, everybody? How'd you feel about Ira Wright? Yeah. 534 00:27:51,336 --> 00:27:53,129 That guy, man. 535 00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:56,717 He is such a fucking nerd, I can't believe he doesn't work with you people. 536 00:27:58,177 --> 00:28:01,430 Tom started MySpace just to get friends, I know it. 537 00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:04,307 So, they say the more friends you have on MySpace, 538 00:28:04,308 --> 00:28:08,311 the less friends you have in real life. You know? 539 00:28:08,312 --> 00:28:10,939 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "I have 100,000 friends on MySpace! 540 00:28:11,523 --> 00:28:12,983 "Yes! 541 00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:18,071 "Isn't that great? I have so many friends on the computer." 542 00:28:18,864 --> 00:28:21,742 "What are you doing tonight?" "I'll be on the computer. 543 00:28:22,618 --> 00:28:24,410 "That's what I do." 544 00:28:24,411 --> 00:28:26,246 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 545 00:28:26,496 --> 00:28:31,627 Do you ever get tired of singing the same songs, you know, over and over? 546 00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:34,837 Do you ever get tired of talking about your dick? 547 00:28:34,838 --> 00:28:36,130 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 548 00:28:36,131 --> 00:28:37,715 Yeah, it's always shocking when a girl blows you. 549 00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:39,801 You're like, "Really? You want to do it? All right." 550 00:28:40,385 --> 00:28:42,178 I got some advice for the ladies out there. 551 00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:46,682 When you are performing that act on a fellow don't ever say, 552 00:28:46,683 --> 00:28:49,728 "You know, you're the first guy I ever got the whole thing in my mouth. 553 00:28:50,020 --> 00:28:51,646 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 554 00:28:51,647 --> 00:28:56,860 "Normally, normally, I get, like, halfway down and I just start fucking choking, 555 00:28:57,361 --> 00:29:02,241 "but with you, I got a ball in my mouth! 556 00:29:02,449 --> 00:29:04,326 "That's never happened! 557 00:29:05,577 --> 00:29:11,250 "Look, I have him in my mouth right now, and I'm speaking perfectly clear. 558 00:29:12,876 --> 00:29:14,962 "Normally I have a stutter." 559 00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:19,966 That wasn't a pee, that was a shit. That took too long. 560 00:29:19,967 --> 00:29:23,928 - Here's 1,000 bucks. Good job. - Thank you so much, man. 561 00:29:23,929 --> 00:29:26,264 I've never made this much money doing anything, man. Thank you. 562 00:29:26,265 --> 00:29:29,642 Good. I'm thinking about doing a lot more stand-up. 563 00:29:29,643 --> 00:29:33,104 - Okay. - And my assistant got pregnant. 564 00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:35,523 I didn't even know she... I thought she was a fucking lesbian 565 00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:37,818 - the whole time, but... - They can get pregnant, too. 566 00:29:38,944 --> 00:29:40,444 - That's nice. That's very nice. - Yeah. 567 00:29:40,445 --> 00:29:44,031 So, you want to kind of assist me, you know? 568 00:29:44,032 --> 00:29:45,241 - Yeah! Yeah. - I mean, not, not... 569 00:29:45,242 --> 00:29:46,575 I mean, you can write jokes for me, too, 570 00:29:46,576 --> 00:29:48,744 - but get me sodas... - Whatever you need, man! 571 00:29:48,745 --> 00:29:50,496 - ...and, like, clean my shit up and... - Yeah. 572 00:29:50,497 --> 00:29:53,666 - How much money you make now? - It depends on how many hours. 573 00:29:53,667 --> 00:29:56,836 - Usually, I can get about... - I'll give you 1,500 bucks a week. 574 00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,965 - That's amazing, man. Thank you so much. - You want to fuck these two girls? 575 00:30:00,382 --> 00:30:02,801 Yeah, sure. I'd love to bang them. 576 00:30:06,305 --> 00:30:08,347 - Mandy. - Well, hi there. 577 00:30:08,348 --> 00:30:10,516 You're still swimming? Get the fuck out of there. 578 00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:13,603 - I'm ready for you. - Yeah. Oh, my God. 579 00:30:16,023 --> 00:30:17,940 - Oh, God. Feel that stomach. - Oh, yeah. 580 00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:19,567 - I like that thing. - Good. Well, go for it. 581 00:30:19,568 --> 00:30:20,986 It's hard. Bam! 582 00:30:21,278 --> 00:30:22,738 (EXCLAIMING) 583 00:30:23,697 --> 00:30:25,031 MANDY: This house is crazy. 584 00:30:25,032 --> 00:30:26,490 GEORGE: Yeah, you got to see the whole thing. 585 00:30:26,491 --> 00:30:29,118 - Come here. It came furnished. - Really? 586 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:30,286 (GEORGE MOANING) 587 00:30:30,287 --> 00:30:33,831 GEORGE: That's my man, Ira. He wrote a lot of good jokes for me there, honey. 588 00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:36,709 Make sure he shows you his cock. It's very, very thick. 589 00:30:36,710 --> 00:30:37,835 (BOTH LAUGHING) 590 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,254 See you, George. 591 00:30:44,968 --> 00:30:47,845 Hey, wanna have a contest to see who can hold their breath the longest? 592 00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:48,847 (GASPS) 593 00:30:57,230 --> 00:30:58,231 (SPITS) 594 00:31:00,484 --> 00:31:02,110 You didn't go under. 595 00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:06,239 Nothing's gonna happen between us. 596 00:31:08,450 --> 00:31:11,203 I can't believe I'm having sex with George Simmons. 597 00:31:11,495 --> 00:31:13,747 Yeah, he can't believe it, either. 598 00:31:14,081 --> 00:31:16,582 My dad loves your movies. 599 00:31:16,583 --> 00:31:20,336 Yeah, that's the best when you talk about your dad. 600 00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:21,463 (MOANING) 601 00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:25,592 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 602 00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:31,639 Dad, this won't bring Mom back! 603 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:34,767 I have nothing else! 604 00:31:34,768 --> 00:31:37,479 BOY: You're a champion, Dad! You're a champion! 605 00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,237 Oh! You're still here. 606 00:31:46,488 --> 00:31:48,031 I know that asshole. 607 00:31:49,199 --> 00:31:51,158 You two were just fucking, huh? How'd that go? 608 00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:54,413 No, I have a boyfriend. We already talked about it. 609 00:31:54,704 --> 00:31:56,289 - Yeah. John. - Yeah. 610 00:31:56,832 --> 00:31:59,500 Your friend took off. She thought you left, so... 611 00:31:59,501 --> 00:32:01,919 - Really? - That's what happens in a big house. 612 00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,295 It's called "the big house problem." 613 00:32:03,296 --> 00:32:06,006 Your friend actually left her purse down the hall. 614 00:32:06,007 --> 00:32:08,510 - You want to go get it with me? - Oh. Okay. 615 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:12,931 (GEORGE MUMBLING) 616 00:32:13,807 --> 00:32:15,475 Don't you leave on me, Ira. 617 00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,309 Fuck me like merman! 618 00:32:17,310 --> 00:32:20,564 Come on! Do merman! Do the merman call! 619 00:32:21,064 --> 00:32:22,565 Come on! Yeah! 620 00:32:22,566 --> 00:32:23,691 (WHOOPING) 621 00:32:23,692 --> 00:32:24,901 Yeah! Oh, God! 622 00:32:29,990 --> 00:32:31,366 - Hey. - Oh. Hey. 623 00:32:31,950 --> 00:32:34,160 Sorry about the chick, man. I... 624 00:32:34,161 --> 00:32:36,954 You weren't getting it done, so something had to happen. 625 00:32:36,955 --> 00:32:40,542 Oh, that's... No, she... I wasn't even trying. She told me she had a boyfriend. 626 00:32:41,168 --> 00:32:43,669 Oh, yeah. She told me she had a boyfriend, too. 627 00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:46,547 (SINGING) When she was sucking my cock! 628 00:32:46,548 --> 00:32:47,757 (GAGGING) 629 00:32:48,133 --> 00:32:49,634 (RETCHING) 630 00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:53,137 What the fuck are you doing with that big dick of yours? 631 00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:56,390 You gotta use it! You gotta share Thickie with the world. 632 00:32:56,391 --> 00:32:58,184 I don't... It's normal. 633 00:32:58,185 --> 00:33:01,480 You want to go upstairs, man? Talk to me while I try to fall asleep? 634 00:33:02,439 --> 00:33:04,900 Okay, if... Yeah, if that's what you want me to do. 635 00:33:05,942 --> 00:33:10,238 Yeah, yeah. Sit down, man. That was a fun night. 636 00:33:10,822 --> 00:33:13,032 - That was a good night. - Yeah, that was crazy. 637 00:33:13,033 --> 00:33:16,828 - Yeah. - So, you slept with both those girls, man. 638 00:33:17,787 --> 00:33:18,914 How did you do that? 639 00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:21,248 How did I do that? There's this... 640 00:33:21,249 --> 00:33:25,336 Girls like famous guys. It's a story for them, I guess. I don't know. 641 00:33:25,337 --> 00:33:28,964 I take advantage of it, though. Believe me, they always leave disappointed. 642 00:33:28,965 --> 00:33:30,090 (YAWNING) 643 00:33:30,091 --> 00:33:31,468 That's amazing. 644 00:33:34,054 --> 00:33:36,847 Yeah, yeah, so let me hear about this name, Ira Wright. 645 00:33:36,848 --> 00:33:38,683 That's not your real name, right? 646 00:33:39,351 --> 00:33:40,643 How could you tell? 647 00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:41,769 (CHUCKLES) 648 00:33:41,770 --> 00:33:43,896 You're hiding some Judaism. 649 00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:47,691 No, my real last name is Wiener. It's Ira Wiener and everyone... 650 00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:51,737 It's spelled the same as "wiener" and I just got tired of correcting people. 651 00:33:51,738 --> 00:33:54,114 So, that's what led you to the path of comedy. 652 00:33:54,115 --> 00:33:57,535 Being humiliated every day. First day of school, 653 00:33:57,536 --> 00:33:59,411 (IN FEMALE VOICE) "Is Ira Wiener here?" 654 00:33:59,412 --> 00:34:00,746 And you were in the back. 655 00:34:00,747 --> 00:34:03,959 (IN KID'S VOICE) "Wiener. My name's Wiener." 656 00:34:04,125 --> 00:34:06,669 You little fruit. What were your parents like? 657 00:34:06,670 --> 00:34:09,589 What are the older "Wieners" or Wieners like? 658 00:34:10,590 --> 00:34:11,757 My parents are divorced. 659 00:34:11,758 --> 00:34:16,555 They hate each other. My mother thinks my father's the devil. 660 00:34:17,889 --> 00:34:20,058 I don't know what that makes me, technically, but... 661 00:34:20,517 --> 00:34:23,811 - So, you'll never be as funny as me. - Why not? 662 00:34:23,812 --> 00:34:26,939 Your generation has the divorces, which is cute-funny, 663 00:34:26,940 --> 00:34:32,487 but my generation has the, "Oh, my God, my father's about to hit me with a bat!" 664 00:34:33,655 --> 00:34:39,077 I just... You gotta break out the funny a lot quicker than your little faggy childhood. 665 00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:40,662 (YAWNING) 666 00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:42,788 Are you serious? 667 00:34:42,789 --> 00:34:46,126 I spent my whole childhood trying to make my father laugh. 668 00:34:46,835 --> 00:34:49,629 I still haven't succeeded, but we'll get there. 669 00:34:55,218 --> 00:34:58,972 Don't bail on me yet. Keep it coming. 670 00:34:59,723 --> 00:35:01,890 When's the first time you fingered a girl? 671 00:35:01,891 --> 00:35:05,145 I was at summer camp, Jewish summer camp, on the sports field. 672 00:35:07,897 --> 00:35:12,652 And her name was Sharon Mizrahi. 673 00:35:13,403 --> 00:35:16,780 I didn't know what to do. I got really scared. 674 00:35:16,781 --> 00:35:20,618 She reached down and grabbed my penis really hard, 675 00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:22,412 like she was just trying to murder it. 676 00:35:32,714 --> 00:35:34,173 - Morning. - Yeah, baby. 677 00:35:34,174 --> 00:35:37,010 It took me three hours, but I think I found your kitchen. 678 00:35:37,552 --> 00:35:39,470 Am I in the bathroom still? Is that it? 679 00:35:39,471 --> 00:35:41,930 No, no. You're good. You're safe. 680 00:35:41,931 --> 00:35:45,309 - What do you got there? - This is medicine, lra. I'm sick. 681 00:35:45,310 --> 00:35:48,062 One of those girls have chlamydia? I thought she smelt funny. 682 00:35:48,063 --> 00:35:49,689 - Is that what it is? - Yeah. 683 00:35:50,231 --> 00:35:55,236 I have a weird blood disease. AML. It's a form of leukaemia. 684 00:35:55,987 --> 00:35:58,698 This is experimental medicine from Canada. 685 00:35:59,407 --> 00:36:04,371 There's an 8% chance of it working. So, fuck me. 686 00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:09,041 Well, that's not true 'cause if it was, I would've read about it or heard about that. 687 00:36:09,042 --> 00:36:10,250 You didn't hear about it because 688 00:36:10,251 --> 00:36:13,337 I didn't fucking run out and tell Entertainment Tonight. 689 00:36:13,338 --> 00:36:17,174 - Well, why would you tell me? - 'Cause I don't really know you, lra. 690 00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:20,427 I think you're not gonna get too weird about this. 691 00:36:20,428 --> 00:36:23,723 I don't want to start getting treated like the guy who's gonna die. 692 00:36:24,057 --> 00:36:28,268 So, anyways, this shit's got a lot of caffeine in it. 693 00:36:28,269 --> 00:36:31,146 They say that's good for you. Let me take the medicine. 694 00:36:31,147 --> 00:36:32,981 Why are you telling me this, George? 695 00:36:32,982 --> 00:36:35,859 'Cause I want you to possibly do me a favour. 696 00:36:35,860 --> 00:36:37,070 Okay. Yeah. What? 697 00:36:37,862 --> 00:36:38,947 Kill me. 698 00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:42,032 - What? - Nobody knows we know each other. 699 00:36:42,033 --> 00:36:44,702 You're a stranger. You can get away with this. 700 00:36:44,703 --> 00:36:47,955 I got a gun in the other room. It's untraceable. 701 00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:51,041 I'll give you $50,000. 702 00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:57,090 Don't make me suffer. Please, kill me, Ira. I'm begging you. 703 00:36:57,382 --> 00:36:59,508 Can you at least give me, like, a night to think about it? 704 00:36:59,509 --> 00:37:00,510 Ha! 705 00:37:00,719 --> 00:37:05,597 - Think about it? You would do it! - Oh, I hate you, man. Oh, no! 706 00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:11,437 Ira, I misread you. You're sick! You're a murderer! 707 00:37:11,438 --> 00:37:13,564 - Screw you, man. - You wanted to do it! 708 00:37:13,565 --> 00:37:16,191 What would you have done for $100,000? Chop my head off? 709 00:37:16,192 --> 00:37:17,735 You would still want to do it! 710 00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:19,570 That wasn't even good acting over there! 711 00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:20,988 - What the fuck? - That was good acting. 712 00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:23,073 Daniel Day-Lewis would've crushed that speech. 713 00:37:23,074 --> 00:37:25,784 I bought that, man. Wow! 714 00:37:25,785 --> 00:37:28,997 Ira, you don't have to kill me, but I am gonna die. 715 00:37:29,414 --> 00:37:31,373 - George, look. Honestly, I'm like... - Don't get close, Ira. 716 00:37:31,374 --> 00:37:32,958 - ...a really gullible guy. - Don't do this. 717 00:37:32,959 --> 00:37:34,418 Look, my friends, they trick me all the time. 718 00:37:34,419 --> 00:37:36,170 One of my roommates told me he was Joe Pesci's son. 719 00:37:36,171 --> 00:37:38,756 I believed him for three years. I still get shit for it, 720 00:37:38,757 --> 00:37:40,799 so just, please, level with me, man. 721 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,094 - Are you serious? - I am serious, Ira. 722 00:37:43,636 --> 00:37:45,721 Don't tell anybody about this though, all right? 723 00:37:45,722 --> 00:37:47,389 I want it to be our secret. 724 00:37:47,390 --> 00:37:49,934 Now, you're gonna make me some eggs. Okay, murderer? 725 00:37:50,477 --> 00:37:53,562 - (SOFTLY) Don't say that. - Just try not to kill any of the staff 726 00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:56,232 while I'm gone, okay? They have families. 727 00:37:56,858 --> 00:37:58,734 IRA: Well, he actually tricked me first, but then he showed... 728 00:37:58,735 --> 00:37:59,985 I mean, he's taking medicine. 729 00:37:59,986 --> 00:38:02,489 He's getting this special medicine from Canada. 730 00:38:02,781 --> 00:38:04,782 MARK: Oh, my God, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. 731 00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:08,410 Yeah. I think I'm the only person he's told. 732 00:38:08,411 --> 00:38:11,331 That's what he said. I mean, he's really... He likes me, in a weird... 733 00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:14,249 I think he's, like, taken a shine to me, you know. 734 00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:16,335 Not enough to let you in on that two-on-one. 735 00:38:16,336 --> 00:38:19,172 - Come on, that's not appropriate. - I don't want that anyway. 736 00:38:21,007 --> 00:38:25,135 IRA: I just don't know. I mean, it's... It's really scary. I've never even... 737 00:38:25,136 --> 00:38:27,513 I don't think I've known anyone who's, like, sick, 738 00:38:27,514 --> 00:38:30,098 you know, in like a major way before. I don't... I just... 739 00:38:30,099 --> 00:38:33,018 LEO: George Simmons. He's been around my whole life. 740 00:38:33,019 --> 00:38:35,103 It's like Snap, Crackle and Pop dying, you know? 741 00:38:35,104 --> 00:38:37,732 - IRA: I know. - Can we not talk about this right now? 742 00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:40,275 I'm not really good with the whole death thing. 743 00:38:40,276 --> 00:38:41,693 Is that all right? 744 00:38:41,694 --> 00:38:44,154 I need to talk about it, man. I work for this guy now. 745 00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:46,365 I can't... I mean, that's all I'm... It's all I'm thinking about. 746 00:38:46,366 --> 00:38:50,245 I'm gonna tell you this story that makes me feel all right with death. 747 00:38:51,204 --> 00:38:55,707 When I was younger, my grandfather died and we were all gathered around him 748 00:38:55,708 --> 00:38:59,002 and there was this one candle next to his bed. 749 00:38:59,003 --> 00:39:04,217 And right after he died, the candle started flickering and then it just went out. 750 00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:05,843 - Wow. - Yeah. 751 00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:08,555 And we looked around, and there were no windows. 752 00:39:09,138 --> 00:39:11,683 Like, nothing in that room. 753 00:39:12,433 --> 00:39:17,521 And it sounds crazy, but we all thought it was him going to heaven, you know? 754 00:39:17,522 --> 00:39:19,898 You don't pass through fire to get to heaven. 755 00:39:19,899 --> 00:39:21,066 I think he went to hell. 756 00:39:21,067 --> 00:39:22,234 (SCOFFS) 757 00:39:22,235 --> 00:39:23,694 - What'd you just say? - LEO: I just... 758 00:39:23,695 --> 00:39:25,487 I think your grandfather probably went to hell. 759 00:39:25,488 --> 00:39:27,531 - Don't do it. - Are you kidding me right now? 760 00:39:27,532 --> 00:39:29,199 I'm... I'm sorry to break it to you. 761 00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:32,578 You're gonna make fun of me right now, just after I opened up to you guys like that? 762 00:39:32,579 --> 00:39:36,665 It's not my fault your grandfather's in hell. It's not a big deal. Some grandpas go to hell. 763 00:39:36,666 --> 00:39:38,000 - Come on. - Don't be a jerk to me 764 00:39:38,001 --> 00:39:39,710 just because I make more money than you guys. 765 00:39:39,711 --> 00:39:40,878 How much do you make again? 766 00:39:40,879 --> 00:39:42,129 (LEO LAUGHING) 767 00:39:42,130 --> 00:39:45,215 You guys are just projecting all your hatred onto me. 768 00:39:45,216 --> 00:39:46,717 Okay, and don't be super bummed out 769 00:39:46,718 --> 00:39:49,720 'cause your grandfather's playing backgammon with Hitler right now. 770 00:39:49,721 --> 00:39:51,305 Shit, dude, don't. 771 00:39:51,306 --> 00:39:53,182 (GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYING) 772 00:39:54,893 --> 00:39:56,519 GEORGE: I gotta get rid of this stuff. 773 00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:00,315 Man, I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. 774 00:40:01,357 --> 00:40:04,026 The more money you make, the more free shit they give you. 775 00:40:04,027 --> 00:40:08,572 It makes no sense. I don't see any jet skiing in my near future. 776 00:40:08,573 --> 00:40:10,365 All this shit was free? 777 00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:14,786 You want a TV, Ira? I got, like, three flat screens laying around in there somewhere. 778 00:40:14,787 --> 00:40:18,081 Sure, I can... Yeah, I can just take this stuff to Goodwill if you want or... 779 00:40:18,082 --> 00:40:20,918 You know what? Don't even worry about this stuff. Let's... 780 00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:25,547 I got some cars in storage you could sell for me and just give that money to charity. 781 00:40:25,548 --> 00:40:27,758 - I can do that, yeah. - I'm gonna write a list out for you, 782 00:40:27,759 --> 00:40:29,760 give you a bunch of things I want you to do. 783 00:40:29,761 --> 00:40:32,095 - What size sneaker are you? - Eleven and a half. 784 00:40:32,096 --> 00:40:35,265 (EXCLAIMS) You got that thick cock, don't you? I want to see that thing. 785 00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:38,185 - Come on, pull the cock out. - I'm not gonna show it to you. 786 00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:40,604 What the fuck's the matter with you? I'm not gonna do anything with it. 787 00:40:40,605 --> 00:40:42,564 I just want to know what I'm dealing with. 788 00:40:42,565 --> 00:40:45,108 - If you give me an iPod. - You asshole. 789 00:40:45,109 --> 00:40:48,654 All right, you can have anything in here, but you gotta take the MerMan poster. 790 00:40:48,655 --> 00:40:52,115 - No, I want... I love MerMan! - I knew you loved MerMan. 791 00:40:52,116 --> 00:40:53,993 You and five-year-olds love MerMan. 792 00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:55,870 It's a smart movie. 793 00:40:56,537 --> 00:40:59,289 DIRECTOR: Scene D is up! Let's go on a bell. Yo Teach...! 794 00:40:59,290 --> 00:41:00,457 (BUZZING) 795 00:41:00,458 --> 00:41:01,750 And action! 796 00:41:01,751 --> 00:41:03,752 - All right now... - Bradford! 797 00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:05,338 - Yeah? - What is this? 798 00:41:07,382 --> 00:41:10,176 - Bo's English test. - Well, there's a mistake. 799 00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:14,638 Well, yeah, there are lots of mistakes. That's why there's an F on it. 800 00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,225 PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo doesn't pass, he can't play in the big game Friday. 801 00:41:18,226 --> 00:41:19,977 Either you make this right, 802 00:41:19,978 --> 00:41:24,774 or you'll be spending the summer teaching driver's ed. Honk, honk! 803 00:41:26,067 --> 00:41:28,819 - Shit. - I can't be a part of this. I'm not... 804 00:41:28,820 --> 00:41:30,029 Yeah. I'm gonna go. 805 00:41:31,447 --> 00:41:35,368 - This is just so painful, though, isn't it? - Yes, I want to kill myself. 806 00:41:36,285 --> 00:41:38,912 So, where are you from, originally? You just moved here, right? 807 00:41:38,913 --> 00:41:40,664 Yep. Delaware. 808 00:41:40,665 --> 00:41:45,128 - Delaware! Our first state in the Union. - Yes, it is. 809 00:41:45,420 --> 00:41:47,671 That's great. No sales tax in Delaware, right? 810 00:41:47,672 --> 00:41:51,466 Yeah, there's not. That's weird. You know so much about Delaware. 811 00:41:51,467 --> 00:41:55,096 - You fucking Joe Biden? - He's from Delaware. See? I knew that. 812 00:41:56,222 --> 00:41:58,682 Bo, you're a smart kid. I've seen you rap. 813 00:41:58,683 --> 00:41:59,891 - Yeah! - All right? 814 00:41:59,892 --> 00:42:02,519 Now, I am willing to give you a makeup exam on this, all right? 815 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,230 - Do you like music? - Did you just ask me if I liked music? 816 00:42:05,231 --> 00:42:08,108 Yeah. That... I'm... I'm aware that that's a weird question. 817 00:42:08,109 --> 00:42:11,946 - It's like asking me if I like food. - That was my next question. 818 00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,697 - Yes. - Good. 819 00:42:13,698 --> 00:42:17,367 Wilco. Do you like Wilco? Wilco's playing at the Greek Theatre. 820 00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,953 And I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to go with me. 821 00:42:19,954 --> 00:42:23,415 - Yeah. I'll go. I'd be into that. I like Wilco. - Great. 822 00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:27,961 Okay, great, great. So, I guess we will go to the show together. 823 00:42:27,962 --> 00:42:29,297 Not any more. 824 00:42:30,423 --> 00:42:31,632 You serious? 825 00:42:32,508 --> 00:42:34,342 - No, I'll go. - Okay. Thank you. 826 00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:36,511 - Just don't say that ever again. - Okay. I won't. 827 00:42:36,512 --> 00:42:37,972 - Yo, Teach! - Yeah? 828 00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:41,142 - Thanks. - Word. 829 00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:48,440 (SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener. 830 00:42:48,441 --> 00:42:51,986 My name is wiener. 831 00:42:52,612 --> 00:42:55,822 My name is Wiener My name is wiener. 832 00:42:55,823 --> 00:42:57,492 Don't call me wiener. 833 00:42:57,867 --> 00:43:01,286 Whatever. You got any jokes for me, dum-dum? 834 00:43:01,287 --> 00:43:03,331 Got some good ones, I think, actually. 835 00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:07,334 I have a thing about how, like, you're rich, you know, 836 00:43:07,335 --> 00:43:09,836 and so you bought a private jet, but you're afraid of flying, 837 00:43:09,837 --> 00:43:12,214 - so you just drive in it. - That's funny. 838 00:43:12,215 --> 00:43:14,633 You just go to drive-throughs and car washes. 839 00:43:14,634 --> 00:43:17,303 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll come up with the ending, but that was good. 840 00:43:17,887 --> 00:43:21,598 I thought it could be funny about your balls, you know, about how, like, 841 00:43:21,599 --> 00:43:25,102 you're getting older and you found the first grey hair on your balls. 842 00:43:25,103 --> 00:43:27,437 And it really worried you, but then you realised it was good 843 00:43:27,438 --> 00:43:29,940 'cause it made your balls look distinguished and smart. 844 00:43:29,941 --> 00:43:33,485 Like, if you gave your balls a little tweed jacket with elbow pads and a little pipe, 845 00:43:33,486 --> 00:43:37,739 your balls could be like a character Kevin Kline would play in a movie. 846 00:43:37,740 --> 00:43:40,826 Yeah, that's funny, that's funny. I could do that. 847 00:43:40,827 --> 00:43:45,581 - What else you got? - Actually, this just kind of happened. 848 00:43:46,666 --> 00:43:49,209 I'm making you an iTunes playlist. 849 00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:51,253 - For what? - Sometimes, when I'm upset, 850 00:43:51,254 --> 00:43:54,756 music makes me feel a little better, so I thought maybe... 851 00:43:54,757 --> 00:43:56,424 Oh, it's a cheer-me-up thing? 852 00:43:56,425 --> 00:43:59,052 I was gonna just put it on your iPod. I don't have to play it right now. 853 00:43:59,053 --> 00:44:00,971 - For what? For when I go out jogging? - I don't need to... 854 00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:04,600 Let me hear it. I don't jog any more. Let me hear my playlist. 855 00:44:06,686 --> 00:44:08,354 (REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING) 856 00:44:12,900 --> 00:44:15,987 (WHISPERING) Ira! Ira! 857 00:44:16,988 --> 00:44:20,782 - Okay, you don't have to make fun of it. - No, Bob Marley! 858 00:44:20,783 --> 00:44:24,619 Yes. Everything is gonna be all right. You're right, Ira. 859 00:44:24,620 --> 00:44:27,747 Bob Marley had cancer. Everything wasn't all right for Bob Marley. 860 00:44:27,748 --> 00:44:29,166 He dead now. 861 00:44:29,167 --> 00:44:30,542 (LAUGHS) What else you put on there for me? 862 00:44:30,543 --> 00:44:32,210 I really don't want to do this, George. 863 00:44:32,211 --> 00:44:35,255 Can we just... I'll... Just forget I did this. Ignore it. I'll erase it, okay? 864 00:44:35,256 --> 00:44:39,301 No, no, no, don't do that. Let's hear what's gonna cheer me up! This is good. 865 00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:42,429 - Come on. What else you got? - Okay, here's the next one. 866 00:44:42,430 --> 00:44:43,722 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 867 00:44:43,723 --> 00:44:49,019 (MOUTHING) Now I've had the time of my life. 868 00:44:49,020 --> 00:44:51,938 No, I never felt like this before 869 00:44:51,939 --> 00:44:53,440 I don't know what to say to that one. 870 00:44:53,441 --> 00:44:57,028 That's... That's just... That's just fifth grade and... 871 00:44:57,570 --> 00:45:00,655 Showing me your cock was embarrassing, but this is okay? 872 00:45:00,656 --> 00:45:02,574 Oh, God. That's a good song. 873 00:45:02,575 --> 00:45:05,827 (LAUGHS) Yeah, what else? Give me more. This is... This is unbelievable. 874 00:45:05,828 --> 00:45:07,662 (SIGHS) You sure you want to hear another one? 875 00:45:07,663 --> 00:45:08,788 - I don't... - Yeah! Yeah, yeah. 876 00:45:08,789 --> 00:45:12,000 - This is fun to be cheered up. - (SIGHS) I'm sorry... 877 00:45:12,001 --> 00:45:13,461 (SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 878 00:45:16,964 --> 00:45:21,344 (SINGING) Shadows are falling And I'm running out of breath. 879 00:45:22,470 --> 00:45:25,431 Keep me in your heart for a while 880 00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:32,021 if I leave you, it doesn't mean I love you any less. 881 00:45:33,272 --> 00:45:36,359 Keep me in your heart for a while. 882 00:45:38,027 --> 00:45:43,074 When you get up in the morning And you see that crazy sun. 883 00:45:44,075 --> 00:45:47,078 Keep me in your heart for a while. 884 00:45:49,038 --> 00:45:52,082 Just write me some jokes, you stupid, fucking idiot. 885 00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:53,626 Okay, I'm sorry. 886 00:45:54,835 --> 00:45:57,963 Keep me in your heart for a while 887 00:45:57,964 --> 00:45:59,130 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 888 00:45:59,131 --> 00:46:01,549 So, I'm not married. I don't think I'm ever gonna get married. 889 00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,718 Jiust... I can't find a reason to do it, you know? 890 00:46:03,719 --> 00:46:05,220 Like, I got friends, like, 891 00:46:05,221 --> 00:46:09,099 "You gotta get married. My wife. My wife is a... She's the best cook. 892 00:46:09,100 --> 00:46:10,433 "My wife's the... You gotta." 893 00:46:10,434 --> 00:46:12,936 And I'm like, "My cook's the best cook." 894 00:46:12,937 --> 00:46:15,188 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 895 00:46:15,189 --> 00:46:17,191 "But my wife, she's my best friend." 896 00:46:18,067 --> 00:46:20,361 "Yeah, my cook's actually a pretty good guy." You know? 897 00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:23,238 This could be funny. 898 00:46:23,239 --> 00:46:27,200 Like, your dad didn't like you, so he named you and your dog George. 899 00:46:27,201 --> 00:46:29,161 He'd be like, "Hey, George, come in here! 900 00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,289 "Not you, the dog." 901 00:46:31,831 --> 00:46:34,332 "George, l... Look at this awesome book I just got!" 902 00:46:34,333 --> 00:46:35,917 And then you come in, it's like, "Not you, the dog." 903 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,043 - That's funny. - Yeah. 904 00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,713 "Hey, George, I made a nice steak for you." "Hey, thanks, Dad." 905 00:46:39,714 --> 00:46:41,840 "Not you, the dog." 906 00:46:41,841 --> 00:46:46,345 "Hey, George, I just put some peanut butter on my balls. Come lick it up. You." 907 00:46:47,930 --> 00:46:49,390 Fuck him. 908 00:46:49,557 --> 00:46:51,641 Aeroplanes are the last public place 909 00:46:51,642 --> 00:46:54,103 where you can fart as loud as you want and no one cares. 910 00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:56,604 'Cause they don't... It's loud. There's engine noise. 911 00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:57,731 They just don't know it's you. 912 00:46:57,732 --> 00:47:00,442 Like, you could literally be talking to someone you just met 913 00:47:00,443 --> 00:47:02,402 and be sitting this faraway from them 914 00:47:02,403 --> 00:47:05,071 and look them dead in the eye as they talk about their grandson 915 00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:08,033 and just fart as loud as you humanly can. Just... 916 00:47:08,034 --> 00:47:09,200 (IMITATES FART) 917 00:47:09,201 --> 00:47:11,745 "Yeah? Where's your grandson from?" 918 00:47:11,746 --> 00:47:14,457 My assholes been open this whole time. It's just still... 919 00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:20,545 Hey, can you help me with some of my jokes when l... When I drop you off later? 920 00:47:20,546 --> 00:47:21,713 Help you with some of your bits? 921 00:47:21,714 --> 00:47:24,090 - Yeah. - No. I'm not gonna help you, man. 922 00:47:24,091 --> 00:47:26,593 No one helped me when I started. 923 00:47:26,594 --> 00:47:28,970 Fucking, I'm not paying to help you, I'm paying you to help me. 924 00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:30,972 No, okay. You're right, you're right. 925 00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:34,642 There is always the one girl out there, though. The one that got away. 926 00:47:34,643 --> 00:47:39,647 Guys have that and serial killers have that. The one that got away. 927 00:47:39,648 --> 00:47:44,944 "I had her, the trunk was lined with garbage bags 928 00:47:44,945 --> 00:47:46,822 "and then she getaway." 929 00:47:48,783 --> 00:47:51,160 I'm sick of rap songs telling me what to do. 930 00:47:52,536 --> 00:47:57,166 "Bend over. Slap your ass, girl. Drop it like it's hot." 931 00:47:57,583 --> 00:47:58,917 Yeah, I'm gonna write a song back. 932 00:47:58,918 --> 00:48:03,421 I'm gonna be, like, "Boy, brush your teeth! 933 00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:08,761 "Yeah, boy, bump that jacket off your back. I'm fucking cold as shit!" 934 00:48:10,221 --> 00:48:11,679 I masturbate so much with hand cream, 935 00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,392 I forget people use it for shit other than masturbating. 936 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:17,685 Literally, when I'm in public and I see someone pull out hand cream, 937 00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:20,398 I'm like, "This guy's about to jerk off!" 938 00:48:20,606 --> 00:48:21,773 Can I ask you something? 939 00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:26,111 Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? 940 00:48:26,112 --> 00:48:29,406 All you fucking talk about is jacking off and farting. 941 00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:31,075 You think a girl's gonna come up to you after the show, 942 00:48:31,492 --> 00:48:34,494 "Could you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" 943 00:48:34,495 --> 00:48:37,373 It's fucking insane! Do you want to get laid, ever? 944 00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:51,887 (SINGING) How will you people live without me? 945 00:48:53,472 --> 00:48:58,185 Who will bring you joy when I'm gone? 946 00:49:00,146 --> 00:49:04,150 'Cause I'm one funny man 947 00:49:04,442 --> 00:49:07,694 I bring the comedy 948 00:49:07,695 --> 00:49:12,450 I am the one you go to, to get cheered up 949 00:49:12,658 --> 00:49:14,410 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 950 00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:18,455 Put in my movies. 951 00:49:18,456 --> 00:49:24,587 Escape, if you will To a land of loveliness. 952 00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:30,675 He doesn't have patience. 953 00:49:30,676 --> 00:49:37,099 He hates so many people He's mad when others do well. 954 00:49:37,349 --> 00:49:43,647 He hates himself Fuck George Simmons. 955 00:49:44,106 --> 00:49:47,400 He has a medium-sized penis. 956 00:49:47,401 --> 00:49:52,281 He fucked so many girls And yet no one remembers. 957 00:49:52,740 --> 00:49:55,826 When he's done fucking them. 958 00:49:56,076 --> 00:49:59,579 The girl just lays there and says 959 00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:04,460 I should have fucked Jean-Claude Van Damme instead of you. 960 00:50:05,419 --> 00:50:10,466 Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah! 961 00:50:12,176 --> 00:50:16,639 George Simmons soon will be gone. 962 00:50:19,725 --> 00:50:22,978 And he will not miss you people at all. 963 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:28,066 Our relationship has always been strained. 964 00:50:28,067 --> 00:50:32,905 You always wanted too much from me, and I'm very mad at you. 965 00:50:33,822 --> 00:50:38,327 Leave me alone. Don't visit my grave, cocksuckers. 966 00:50:39,870 --> 00:50:40,996 Peace! 967 00:50:42,039 --> 00:50:44,375 (AUDIENCE WHOOPING) 968 00:50:47,878 --> 00:50:49,463 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 969 00:50:54,969 --> 00:50:56,428 IRA: Oh, my God, it's George Simmons! 970 00:50:57,346 --> 00:50:59,973 What are you doing here? What's happening? 971 00:50:59,974 --> 00:51:03,851 I couldn't sleep. I want to get the Cavaliers game. 972 00:51:03,852 --> 00:51:05,562 I can't get this thing ever to work. 973 00:51:05,563 --> 00:51:09,816 I was up all night, man. I had a terrible sleep. I was sweating my ass off. 974 00:51:09,817 --> 00:51:12,402 I'm fucking hot one second and cold one second 975 00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:15,363 and the A/C don't work for shit. 976 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:18,491 It's always going up to the roof. 977 00:51:18,492 --> 00:51:21,287 - What time is it? - It says 3:00. 978 00:51:22,121 --> 00:51:26,709 It's 3:00? God damn it! I can't fucking waste time. I gotta... 979 00:51:29,044 --> 00:51:31,547 All right, let's start my goddamn day. 980 00:51:32,506 --> 00:51:36,635 I don't got time for this shit. Let me have that stupid clicker. Come on. 981 00:51:39,179 --> 00:51:41,514 They keep telling me that I gotta dial an extension. 982 00:51:41,515 --> 00:51:45,476 I don't even have the fucking number to dial for the fucking extension! 983 00:51:45,477 --> 00:51:46,478 Do you want me to try calling them? 984 00:51:46,729 --> 00:51:50,524 You should have fucking called them! Where the fuck were you last night? 985 00:51:50,899 --> 00:51:53,526 - You'll call them. - I'm sorry, man. 986 00:51:53,527 --> 00:51:55,320 Just tell me what you need, I'll get it done, okay? 987 00:51:55,321 --> 00:51:58,489 You pay for all of this stuff and none of it ever works! 988 00:51:58,490 --> 00:52:04,246 Nothing! I don't even think I'm sick! These guys are trying to fucking kill me! 989 00:52:05,039 --> 00:52:08,374 I want to go to the doctor. I gotta see this guy. 990 00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:10,753 What the fuck is happening? 991 00:52:12,254 --> 00:52:15,715 This medicine does not work. It makes it worse! 992 00:52:15,716 --> 00:52:17,925 Okay. I'll call them right now. I'll tell them we're coming, okay? 993 00:52:17,926 --> 00:52:20,845 - Now. We gotta go now. - I'll call them right now, okay? 994 00:52:20,846 --> 00:52:22,681 Yeah. I'll meet you downstairs. 995 00:52:25,768 --> 00:52:28,812 (ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN) 996 00:52:31,357 --> 00:52:36,069 Please put away the video game. Don't do that. Don't be rude. 997 00:52:36,070 --> 00:52:38,112 - I'm sorry. - Fucking playing Centipede? 998 00:52:38,113 --> 00:52:41,367 - What the fuck were you playing? - Just a driving game. 999 00:52:42,993 --> 00:52:45,203 - Hello, Mr Simmons. - Hey, yeah, Doctor, good to see you. 1000 00:52:45,204 --> 00:52:46,371 How are you? I brought my friend. 1001 00:52:46,372 --> 00:52:50,583 This is my... Well, my lover, my life partner, my everything. 1002 00:52:50,584 --> 00:52:53,252 How are you? What's going on? How we doing? 1003 00:52:53,253 --> 00:52:56,256 Well, your immune system is in the middle of a very serious battle. 1004 00:52:56,840 --> 00:52:58,841 The medicine is trying to combat the disease, 1005 00:52:58,842 --> 00:53:01,344 but in the process it destroys healthy tissue 1006 00:53:01,345 --> 00:53:06,307 and disrupts healthy functioning of your organs and multiple lymphatic systems, 1007 00:53:06,308 --> 00:53:08,435 so you're getting attacked on two levels. 1008 00:53:08,769 --> 00:53:10,812 And we hope the disease is vanquished 1009 00:53:10,813 --> 00:53:13,691 before it and the medicine does damage which cannot be contained. 1010 00:53:14,149 --> 00:53:17,444 - Okay. - Your accent is very thick. 1011 00:53:18,987 --> 00:53:20,405 You ever notice your accent 1012 00:53:20,406 --> 00:53:23,951 makes things sound worse than they... Than they actually are? 1013 00:53:24,451 --> 00:53:28,455 You could give good news, and I'd still be like, "What happened? Am I still dying?" 1014 00:53:29,373 --> 00:53:30,791 I'm just trying to help you. 1015 00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:33,626 I know you sound like a regular Joe where you come from, 1016 00:53:33,627 --> 00:53:39,590 but here I keep thinking you're gonna be torturing James Bond later. 1017 00:53:39,591 --> 00:53:43,470 I'm sure your sense of humour will serve you well in this situation. 1018 00:53:43,679 --> 00:53:48,475 There he goes again. All so terrifying because it came out of your mouth. 1019 00:53:48,976 --> 00:53:50,935 You are a very funny man. 1020 00:53:50,936 --> 00:53:53,147 Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard? 1021 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,024 I don't understand the reference. 1022 00:53:57,526 --> 00:53:59,653 He kind of looks like those two guys in the second Matrix movie. 1023 00:54:00,112 --> 00:54:01,279 (CHUCKLES) 1024 00:54:01,280 --> 00:54:03,531 I assure you I was not in The Matrix. 1025 00:54:03,532 --> 00:54:06,659 Why did you eat Björn Borg? What did he do to you? 1026 00:54:06,660 --> 00:54:10,538 If you have no other questions, I do have other patients. 1027 00:54:10,539 --> 00:54:14,584 You have other patients that you have to frighten by the end of the day? 1028 00:54:14,585 --> 00:54:16,127 How many patients do you frighten a day? 1029 00:54:16,128 --> 00:54:22,801 And I am slowly getting a little bit annoyed by these humorous activities from you guys. 1030 00:54:23,594 --> 00:54:24,719 So, I think you and... 1031 00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:28,973 We have discussed this and I am very, very sympathetic to your recovery, 1032 00:54:28,974 --> 00:54:32,477 and I hope we will succeed with what we are doing. 1033 00:54:32,478 --> 00:54:35,146 I've been trying to build this cabinet I bought from you guys 1034 00:54:35,147 --> 00:54:37,398 for, like, six months and I gotta... 1035 00:54:37,399 --> 00:54:39,234 IKEA? That's very funny. 1036 00:54:49,661 --> 00:54:51,538 - Hey. Yo, Teach. - Hey. 1037 00:54:53,373 --> 00:54:55,166 How's... How was the taping? 1038 00:54:55,167 --> 00:54:59,754 Great. Great, yeah. I'm happy with it. I think the ending really murdered. 1039 00:54:59,755 --> 00:55:02,549 Was it a very special episode? 1040 00:55:04,259 --> 00:55:08,013 - You remember Daisy, right? - Yeah, of course. 1041 00:55:08,514 --> 00:55:11,015 - Hey. - MARK: I'm sorry. 1042 00:55:11,016 --> 00:55:12,767 I didn't know you'd be coming home tonight. 1043 00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:15,561 I thought maybe you'd be spending the night at George's and... 1044 00:55:15,562 --> 00:55:19,607 Guess it's been more than 10 days, huh? 1045 00:55:19,608 --> 00:55:23,277 (SOFTLY) Yeah, I gave you an extra 11. 1046 00:55:23,278 --> 00:55:26,447 - What are you guys talking about? - Nothing. Doesn't matter. It's cool. 1047 00:55:26,448 --> 00:55:28,575 Don't give a shit. Totally fine. 1048 00:55:33,497 --> 00:55:36,083 Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. 1049 00:55:37,417 --> 00:55:38,543 Harry's getting old. 1050 00:55:38,544 --> 00:55:41,046 He's, like, older than my dad. They should call him Harold Potter. 1051 00:55:41,713 --> 00:55:43,799 That Hermione's got some big, old titties. 1052 00:55:47,928 --> 00:55:48,971 Whoa! 1053 00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:53,266 Did you two just bone? I'm getting a little vibe here. 1054 00:55:53,267 --> 00:55:56,144 This is exciting. Think I'm getting a quarter chub. 1055 00:55:56,645 --> 00:55:57,770 (SIGHS) 1056 00:55:57,771 --> 00:55:59,230 Why is Ira so upset? 1057 00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:01,691 It's been, like, way after 10 days. 1058 00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:04,736 He can't call dibs on every girl he meets. 1059 00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,738 We were supposed to go out on a date together. 1060 00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:10,449 We are going out on a date. I thought so. 1061 00:56:10,450 --> 00:56:12,827 - We're not any more! No! - Really? 1062 00:56:12,828 --> 00:56:17,039 'Cause after you fuck my roommate that kind of ends it with me! 1063 00:56:17,040 --> 00:56:19,542 What are you talking about? Don't treat me like that. 1064 00:56:19,543 --> 00:56:22,837 Just so you know how I'm seeing you? You're a starfucker. 1065 00:56:22,838 --> 00:56:25,256 You're a girl who met a star and then fucked him. 1066 00:56:25,257 --> 00:56:27,008 And he's not even that famous! 1067 00:56:27,009 --> 00:56:30,261 What if like a real good-looking celebrity was my roommate? 1068 00:56:30,262 --> 00:56:34,224 What if I lived with, you know, James McAvoy or Jude Law or something? 1069 00:56:34,766 --> 00:56:37,184 I don't know. I probably would fuck both of those people. 1070 00:56:37,185 --> 00:56:40,104 - Don't say that. - I'm sorry! Lower the bar a little bit. 1071 00:56:40,105 --> 00:56:41,648 I can't believe that! 1072 00:56:42,232 --> 00:56:43,357 (GROANS) 1073 00:56:43,358 --> 00:56:48,696 if a hot girl walked over here, naked, and was like, "Do my body," you would. 1074 00:56:48,697 --> 00:56:52,534 - You would have sex with her. - No, I'd feel really uncomfortable. 1075 00:56:52,701 --> 00:56:55,119 And then I might ask her to a Wilco show. 1076 00:56:55,120 --> 00:56:59,458 Okay, then you're the first guy in the world that I've ever met that's like that. 1077 00:56:59,958 --> 00:57:02,627 I thought you were the kind of girl that would wait two months 1078 00:57:02,628 --> 00:57:03,794 and then have sex with a guy. 1079 00:57:03,795 --> 00:57:07,006 - I didn't think you would just... - I'm an independent woman. 1080 00:57:07,007 --> 00:57:09,468 I'm allowed to fuck people. 1081 00:57:09,760 --> 00:57:12,846 Well, if I had known that, I would have scheduled our date a lot sooner! 1082 00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:16,975 Give me a break. I don't even know you. 1083 00:57:17,184 --> 00:57:20,103 This is the longest conversation we've ever had. 1084 00:57:25,984 --> 00:57:30,988 Don't be mad at me. I said I'd give you 10 days. 1085 00:57:30,989 --> 00:57:32,449 I gave you three weeks. 1086 00:57:35,869 --> 00:57:39,789 I thought you were joking, man. I'm gonna be honest with you. 1087 00:57:39,790 --> 00:57:42,542 We... We... We want to fuck every girl that we meet. 1088 00:57:43,919 --> 00:57:48,172 That's how it works. if I didn't sleep with every girl you wished you could sleep with, 1089 00:57:48,173 --> 00:57:49,840 I wouldn't sleep with anybody. 1090 00:57:49,841 --> 00:57:52,386 It's a communication breakdown. We can fix this. 1091 00:57:52,928 --> 00:57:54,845 I don't care. The fact that you had sex with her... 1092 00:57:54,846 --> 00:57:59,266 I can never do anything like that with her. 1093 00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:03,688 So, you're really not gonna chase this girl just because I was with her? 1094 00:58:03,689 --> 00:58:04,731 Yeah. 1095 00:58:05,440 --> 00:58:06,483 Huh. 1096 00:58:07,401 --> 00:58:09,528 It's kind of insulting, on some level. 1097 00:58:12,364 --> 00:58:14,700 Wanna go to Wilco with me? 1098 00:58:15,534 --> 00:58:18,661 I wish I could, but I'm going with Tobey Maguire. 1099 00:58:18,662 --> 00:58:21,206 I might play his little brother in this movie. 1100 00:58:25,127 --> 00:58:26,335 (SIGHS) 1101 00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:27,879 I hope I get it. 1102 00:58:32,926 --> 00:58:36,554 GEORGE: Give me something. You didn't get rid of them. What did you get rid of? 1103 00:58:36,555 --> 00:58:38,389 IRA: Well, I, you know, I got a few good offers, 1104 00:58:38,390 --> 00:58:40,933 but honestly, I don't know how much each car is worth and I... 1105 00:58:40,934 --> 00:58:42,893 They keep on wanting to buy all of them 1106 00:58:42,894 --> 00:58:44,395 - and it's hard for me to... - Don't make it a big deal. 1107 00:58:44,396 --> 00:58:47,356 Don't get a stomach-ache over it. Just sell them. 1108 00:58:47,357 --> 00:58:49,609 - Give it to a charity. Move on. - Okay. 1109 00:58:49,776 --> 00:58:51,068 I just want to be happy about 1110 00:58:51,069 --> 00:58:53,279 - giving something away, you know. - Okay. 1111 00:58:53,280 --> 00:58:54,281 So... 1112 00:58:55,866 --> 00:58:58,659 There's something I've really been wanting to tell you, George. 1113 00:58:58,660 --> 00:58:59,661 Uh-oh. 1114 00:59:00,454 --> 00:59:01,829 Yeah. 1115 00:59:01,830 --> 00:59:06,293 I feel as though you need to tell someone other than me about your condition. 1116 00:59:07,961 --> 00:59:11,088 - I don't want to do that. - George, people care about you. 1117 00:59:11,089 --> 00:59:13,050 You have to let them be there for you. 1118 00:59:14,009 --> 00:59:17,804 I tell somebody, then it's all gonna change, and you can't get it back. 1119 00:59:18,638 --> 00:59:20,598 Everything's already changed, George, 1120 00:59:20,599 --> 00:59:24,894 and the truth is soon you're gonna start getting very sick 1121 00:59:24,895 --> 00:59:26,938 and you are gonna want someone other than me there. 1122 00:59:27,481 --> 00:59:29,774 I mean, have you... Have you even told your parents yet? 1123 00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:31,984 My parents are in their mid-70s. 1124 00:59:31,985 --> 00:59:34,737 They would drop dead if they heard about this. 1125 00:59:34,738 --> 00:59:38,783 - Friends. You must want to tell your friends. - I don't really have any friends. 1126 00:59:38,784 --> 00:59:41,202 I have people I shoot the shit with and fuck around with, 1127 00:59:41,203 --> 00:59:43,079 but there's nobody I'm really close with. 1128 00:59:43,080 --> 00:59:44,622 I've got showbiz friends. 1129 00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:48,167 Andy Dick isn't a friend. He's just a guy you know. 1130 00:59:48,168 --> 00:59:50,586 You're my closest friend, and I don't even like you. 1131 00:59:50,587 --> 00:59:51,837 (SIGHS) 1132 00:59:51,838 --> 00:59:54,006 You have to tell someone other than me, man. 1133 00:59:54,007 --> 00:59:55,758 I can't be the only one who knows. 1134 00:59:55,759 --> 00:59:59,762 I've never dealt with anything like this. All my grandparents are alive. 1135 00:59:59,763 --> 01:00:03,265 Listen, this is not your job to cry. Your job is to not cry. 1136 01:00:03,266 --> 01:00:06,144 I'm just trying to talk to you man-to-man, George. 1137 01:00:06,311 --> 01:00:09,480 - As a man, you are crying right now. - I'm not crying. 1138 01:00:09,481 --> 01:00:11,857 People are gonna think we just broke up or something, Ira. 1139 01:00:11,858 --> 01:00:14,735 - Stop doing what you're doing. - Okay, I'll stop. 1140 01:00:14,736 --> 01:00:18,615 You're causing a scene. You're making crazy faces now, Ira. 1141 01:00:19,199 --> 01:00:21,951 Open your eyes. Stop crying. 1142 01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:23,077 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 1143 01:00:23,078 --> 01:00:25,621 You're making noises now? You look like the Incredible Hulk. 1144 01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:26,747 (SPLUTTERS) 1145 01:00:26,748 --> 01:00:28,499 Jesus, you're spitting on my shrimp, 1146 01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:30,000 - you asshole. - I'm sorry. 1147 01:00:30,001 --> 01:00:31,293 (SNIFFLES) 1148 01:00:31,294 --> 01:00:33,338 - God, I'm sorry. - Come on. Wipe it off. 1149 01:00:34,131 --> 01:00:35,674 Jesus Christ. 1150 01:00:36,675 --> 01:00:39,135 I'm sorry, I just don't know. 1151 01:00:39,136 --> 01:00:40,511 This is the worst. 1152 01:00:40,512 --> 01:00:42,973 Why didn't I just get hit by a fucking foul ball? 1153 01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:46,101 You ruined The Palm, you fucking ass. 1154 01:00:48,728 --> 01:00:51,565 This could have been the best meal, ever. 1155 01:00:52,732 --> 01:00:56,069 - Should I get you ice chips or something? - No, I'm good. 1156 01:00:56,862 --> 01:00:58,320 You never had any kids, huh? 1157 01:00:58,321 --> 01:01:01,574 - No. No. We didn't get to that. - I have three. 1158 01:01:01,575 --> 01:01:04,827 - I know. - Three kids to carry on the Dick legacy. 1159 01:01:04,828 --> 01:01:09,123 How the hell did you have any kids with all the penises you've blown? 1160 01:01:09,124 --> 01:01:12,711 I sucked my own dick and spit it into their vagina. 1161 01:01:14,337 --> 01:01:17,214 I mean, knowing that. Most people just go through life asleep anyways. 1162 01:01:17,215 --> 01:01:19,425 Some of those people don't even wake up until they get, you know, 1163 01:01:19,426 --> 01:01:21,010 the Dr Death call, you know. 1164 01:01:21,011 --> 01:01:23,804 (IN HUSKY VOICE) "This is Dr Death! You're going to die." 1165 01:01:23,805 --> 01:01:30,562 (RASPING) "Don't be afraid, George. It's just Death calling. Cheer up, motherfucker!" 1166 01:01:31,146 --> 01:01:32,813 - Yeah. - Fuck negativity. 1167 01:01:32,814 --> 01:01:35,400 Fuck it in the ass with a Chinese monkey! 1168 01:01:36,318 --> 01:01:39,111 I wish I wasn't so fucking angry with you right now. 1169 01:01:39,112 --> 01:01:41,488 Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't a good brother. 1170 01:01:41,489 --> 01:01:42,948 You were a terrible brother. 1171 01:01:42,949 --> 01:01:46,452 You just left us and you didn't care. You didn't give a shit about us. 1172 01:01:46,453 --> 01:01:48,412 - You don't even give a... - You moved to Kansas. 1173 01:01:48,413 --> 01:01:50,456 - Am I supposed to visit you in Kansas? - Yes. 1174 01:01:50,457 --> 01:01:53,042 I thought that's why you moved there, so you didn't get visitors. 1175 01:01:53,043 --> 01:01:55,462 - You're so fucking selfish. - I know. 1176 01:01:55,629 --> 01:01:58,797 You've only seen my son, like, three times. 1177 01:01:58,798 --> 01:02:03,802 - I send him fucking DVDs all the time. - He doesn't want your DVDs. 1178 01:02:03,803 --> 01:02:07,556 He wants you to be a part of his life. He wants to be a part of yours. 1179 01:02:07,557 --> 01:02:10,100 Wow. This has been great. 1180 01:02:10,101 --> 01:02:13,939 I want to call Dad now and just have more family time. 1181 01:02:14,147 --> 01:02:17,108 What did we ever do to you? I'm not Dad. 1182 01:02:19,486 --> 01:02:21,904 You are right. 1183 01:02:21,905 --> 01:02:26,200 You're very, very nice, and I'm sorry I don't know your son. 1184 01:02:26,201 --> 01:02:29,120 I'm sorry I don't know you any more. 1185 01:02:29,329 --> 01:02:32,624 - I'm glad you don't know me. - I wish I did. 1186 01:02:34,167 --> 01:02:37,045 You'd be let down, believe me. 1187 01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,972 Oh, man. 1188 01:02:52,894 --> 01:02:54,396 Oh, God. 1189 01:02:57,565 --> 01:03:01,110 - Who's that? - That's the girl I was gonna marry, 1190 01:03:01,111 --> 01:03:02,279 (DOORBELL RINGS) 1191 01:03:02,529 --> 01:03:04,698 but then she smartened up. 1192 01:03:05,573 --> 01:03:10,619 - So, she's 10 and she's six. - GEORGE: So cute. 1193 01:03:10,620 --> 01:03:13,872 - Jeez, she looks like you, the little one, huh? - Yeah. 1194 01:03:13,873 --> 01:03:16,792 What's the matter? Your guy doesn't have any DNA in him? 1195 01:03:16,793 --> 01:03:21,256 - That's all Laura. - They fight a lot, but they're cute. 1196 01:03:21,756 --> 01:03:25,510 Yeah. Thank you so much for coming here. 1197 01:03:26,094 --> 01:03:28,804 - I wanted to come. I wanted to see you. - You didn't have to come here. 1198 01:03:28,805 --> 01:03:31,474 You didn't have to. I know it's stressful for you. 1199 01:03:31,891 --> 01:03:34,311 I'm just... I'm just... I'm so sorry. 1200 01:03:34,853 --> 01:03:37,147 I'm so sorry about everything I did. 1201 01:03:37,772 --> 01:03:40,566 You don't have to be sorry. That was 12 years ago. 1202 01:03:40,567 --> 01:03:44,654 Everything worked out for the best. It's good. Look at your life. This is great. 1203 01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:50,743 Yes. It's the best life. I hate it. I hate it all. 1204 01:03:50,744 --> 01:03:51,994 - I haven't been... - You don't hate it. 1205 01:03:51,995 --> 01:03:54,873 I'm addicted to it, I guess. I keep doing it. 1206 01:03:55,332 --> 01:03:58,334 Hello, Wayne. This is Ira. I'm calling to say 1207 01:03:58,335 --> 01:04:01,670 I don't think today is a good day for you to come by and see George. 1208 01:04:01,671 --> 01:04:04,965 Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give you a call when I know what the schedule looks like. 1209 01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:07,218 Thank you. I'll talk to you soon. 1210 01:04:08,595 --> 01:04:10,929 You have a family now. You have a family now. 1211 01:04:10,930 --> 01:04:13,807 I'm so happy. You did the right thing. You moved on. 1212 01:04:13,808 --> 01:04:16,018 You got a good life. 1213 01:04:16,019 --> 01:04:19,229 And... And I just got nothing, Laura. I hate that. 1214 01:04:19,230 --> 01:04:21,899 I hate that it could have been me with you. 1215 01:04:21,900 --> 01:04:24,902 - Don't do that, please? - I'm sorry. I just fucking... 1216 01:04:24,903 --> 01:04:27,238 You... l could have had those kids with you. 1217 01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:32,034 How could you cheat on me? I was so hot. 1218 01:04:32,035 --> 01:04:35,037 - You were. You were so hot. I don't know. - I was hot! 1219 01:04:35,038 --> 01:04:38,040 I don't even know what the fuck I was doing. 1220 01:04:38,041 --> 01:04:42,669 I was just a stupid idiot. I don't remember anybody else. 1221 01:04:42,670 --> 01:04:44,380 - What was wrong with you? - I don't remember anybody else. 1222 01:04:44,381 --> 01:04:46,131 I only remember you. I don't know. 1223 01:04:46,132 --> 01:04:49,176 I don't even know who they were, who fucking ruined us. 1224 01:04:49,177 --> 01:04:52,471 They're not in my brain, ever. It's like it didn't happen. 1225 01:04:52,472 --> 01:04:57,226 The only thing that happened was us. And you ran away 'cause you had to. 1226 01:04:57,227 --> 01:04:59,144 I had to go. 1227 01:04:59,145 --> 01:05:02,481 At the time, I just couldn't do it any more. 1228 01:05:02,482 --> 01:05:04,775 - Yeah. - But you know what I realised? 1229 01:05:04,776 --> 01:05:06,403 I love my husband, 1230 01:05:07,779 --> 01:05:10,448 but it's just not the same. 1231 01:05:11,491 --> 01:05:15,120 And I loved you so much and... 1232 01:05:16,704 --> 01:05:18,997 I know, I know, I know, I know. 1233 01:05:18,998 --> 01:05:22,334 I have the same thing. I have the same thing. 1234 01:05:22,335 --> 01:05:25,045 Don't feel bad. Don't feel bad. 1235 01:05:25,046 --> 01:05:28,298 I love you. I love you. I always loved you. 1236 01:05:28,299 --> 01:05:31,885 And the crazy thing is he cheats on me, too. 1237 01:05:31,886 --> 01:05:34,597 - I hate... - He's like an Australian you. 1238 01:05:35,432 --> 01:05:39,435 I fucking hate this guy. Is he crazy? 1239 01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:42,729 It's just that you were the one. 1240 01:05:42,730 --> 01:05:48,069 Just you are... Were... Are the love... 1241 01:05:50,947 --> 01:05:54,784 Love of my life. And I just love you. 1242 01:06:03,334 --> 01:06:05,670 Yeah, the hug was a mistake, wasn't it? 1243 01:06:09,007 --> 01:06:11,258 You're not sick, are you? 1244 01:06:11,259 --> 01:06:14,304 You're just doing that to get me down here, huh? 1245 01:06:14,679 --> 01:06:16,097 (LAUGHS) 1246 01:06:17,265 --> 01:06:20,351 - There are those hands again. - My big hands. 1247 01:06:20,518 --> 01:06:22,394 Always made my penis look small. 1248 01:06:22,395 --> 01:06:23,604 (LAUGHING) 1249 01:06:23,605 --> 01:06:26,065 Thank you, hands, for that complex. 1250 01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,694 Yes. Jeez. 1251 01:06:30,695 --> 01:06:36,783 The two of them together, it was a guaranteed dwarfing. Okay. 1252 01:06:36,784 --> 01:06:38,703 (PLAYING ROCK MUSIC) 1253 01:06:44,375 --> 01:06:45,460 Yeah. 1254 01:06:47,587 --> 01:06:49,214 That was worth it. 1255 01:06:49,672 --> 01:06:53,634 - We're into overtime now, just so you know. - (LAUGHS) Jeez, that came quick. 1256 01:06:53,635 --> 01:06:58,348 I wish that you guys were really my friends and I didn't have to pay you to jam with me. 1257 01:06:59,849 --> 01:07:02,810 All right, so let's keep going then. 1258 01:07:03,228 --> 01:07:05,813 (PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC) 1259 01:07:16,074 --> 01:07:19,702 (SINGING) All my little plans and schemes. 1260 01:07:21,746 --> 01:07:26,042 Lost like some forgotten dream. 1261 01:07:27,502 --> 01:07:28,835 Seems like all I... 1262 01:07:28,836 --> 01:07:30,546 - Diego. - Yes, George? 1263 01:07:30,547 --> 01:07:34,091 - The roses look terrific. - Thank you. They sure look beautiful. 1264 01:07:34,092 --> 01:07:37,720 Only a guy with a big cock like you could make roses this beautiful. 1265 01:07:39,138 --> 01:07:42,892 Don't need to be alone. 1266 01:07:44,978 --> 01:07:48,731 No need to be alone. 1267 01:07:51,776 --> 01:07:57,155 It's real love It's real. 1268 01:07:57,156 --> 01:07:59,616 Yes, it's real love. 1269 01:07:59,617 --> 01:08:01,201 You doing stand-up at all? 1270 01:08:01,202 --> 01:08:03,787 This is actually the first time I've left the house in three years. 1271 01:08:03,788 --> 01:08:07,624 But I will sometimes, in my house, in front of my kids, I'll do five, six minutes. 1272 01:08:07,625 --> 01:08:10,085 Not good stuff. It's a lot of "Where you from?" You know. 1273 01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:12,879 But, you know, all kidding aside, I know you're in a terrible situation, 1274 01:08:12,880 --> 01:08:15,549 but even with that, you look so much better than him. 1275 01:08:15,550 --> 01:08:17,051 (ALL LAUGHING) 1276 01:08:19,971 --> 01:08:24,225 (SINGING) The Kingdom of Heaven is, is in your hands. 1277 01:08:25,351 --> 01:08:30,063 I don't expect for you to awake from your dreams. 1278 01:08:30,064 --> 01:08:31,941 We watched your last movie on video. 1279 01:08:32,317 --> 01:08:34,652 A man who is funny doesn't have to work blue. 1280 01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:37,112 You don't... You don't have to do trash to be funny. 1281 01:08:37,113 --> 01:08:40,073 - I'll tell you who was a great comedian. - Please say me. Who? 1282 01:08:40,074 --> 01:08:42,409 - Jackie Gleason. - Yeah, of course. 1283 01:08:42,410 --> 01:08:44,787 You like him 'cause you look like Art Carney. 1284 01:08:47,332 --> 01:08:50,584 Gleason was terrific. And you ain't so bad. 1285 01:08:50,585 --> 01:08:52,628 - All right. Thank you, Pop. - I know. 1286 01:08:52,629 --> 01:08:54,379 (SINGING) It's real. 1287 01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:58,258 It's real love, oh, yeah 1288 01:08:58,259 --> 01:08:59,760 (INAUDIBLE) 1289 01:08:59,761 --> 01:09:04,474 It's real love, yeah. 1290 01:09:05,475 --> 01:09:10,647 It's real love It's real. 1291 01:09:14,859 --> 01:09:17,778 I think I played it all wrong, Ira. 1292 01:09:17,779 --> 01:09:18,904 (SIGHS) 1293 01:09:18,905 --> 01:09:20,698 I played it all wrong. 1294 01:09:26,663 --> 01:09:29,790 Okay. He's here. We saw each other. Let me answer it. Mark. 1295 01:09:29,791 --> 01:09:31,918 - Stop. - Let me answer it. Mark, man. 1296 01:09:32,460 --> 01:09:34,002 Move, bitch! 1297 01:09:34,003 --> 01:09:36,630 - Hey, George Simmons. Hey. - Hey, what's up? 1298 01:09:36,631 --> 01:09:38,256 - Happy Thanksgiving. - Hey! 1299 01:09:38,257 --> 01:09:39,716 - Mark. - Leo is the name I got. 1300 01:09:39,717 --> 01:09:41,301 - How are you? - Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach...! 1301 01:09:41,302 --> 01:09:43,221 - That's right! - Yeah, right. 1302 01:09:43,721 --> 01:09:45,305 Oh, boy. 1303 01:09:45,306 --> 01:09:48,725 That movie's the best 'cause you're a man then you're a baby 1304 01:09:48,726 --> 01:09:51,478 and then you learn to be a man once you be... You need... 1305 01:09:51,479 --> 01:09:53,690 It takes becoming a baby to learn how to become a man. 1306 01:09:54,399 --> 01:09:57,234 Yeah. Can we get you a drink or some food? 1307 01:09:57,235 --> 01:09:59,695 No, no, no. Let me just walk around and go through your shit. 1308 01:09:59,696 --> 01:10:00,863 (MARK LAUGHS) 1309 01:10:01,531 --> 01:10:03,240 Hey, I'm Bo. 1310 01:10:03,241 --> 01:10:04,783 - What's up, Bo? - I'm an actor, so... 1311 01:10:04,784 --> 01:10:07,537 Good, good, good, good, good, good. 1312 01:10:09,372 --> 01:10:11,666 - GEORGE: I've seen your act a lot. - Really? Where? 1313 01:10:12,458 --> 01:10:15,878 Schmira, he has that... What's that, the YouTubey thing that, that... 1314 01:10:16,212 --> 01:10:17,337 DAISY: The YouTube. GEORGE: Yeah. 1315 01:10:17,338 --> 01:10:20,049 George and Daisy are here? How the hell did that happen? 1316 01:10:20,258 --> 01:10:22,676 I didn't think George would come, and who invited Daisy? 1317 01:10:22,677 --> 01:10:23,927 I invited her. 1318 01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:27,139 - Are you still sleeping with Daisy? - No, I'm not sleeping with Daisy! 1319 01:10:27,140 --> 01:10:31,518 I have a new girlfriend now. I'm dating the girl who plays Mrs Pruitt. 1320 01:10:31,519 --> 01:10:33,521 Her name's Carla something. 1321 01:10:34,272 --> 01:10:35,732 I'm gonna go. 1322 01:10:36,274 --> 01:10:39,693 - My man. The Schmira. - Thanks for coming, man. 1323 01:10:39,694 --> 01:10:41,404 This is the best. Where's your bedroom? 1324 01:10:41,779 --> 01:10:44,448 Well, get ready for a hike, 'cause you're standing in it. 1325 01:10:44,449 --> 01:10:46,450 - No. - It's... Yeah, it's pretty lame. 1326 01:10:46,451 --> 01:10:49,286 - Did you go to that Wilco show? - Yeah, did you? 1327 01:10:49,287 --> 01:10:51,914 (LAUGHS) No, actually, I didn't. I scalped the tickets. 1328 01:10:52,415 --> 01:10:55,752 - I made 100 bucks profit, so... - So, you owe me 50. 1329 01:10:57,879 --> 01:11:01,591 - Okay, I guess I do. Rain check, okay? - Money order. 1330 01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:03,008 - Money order? That'll work. - Yeah. 1331 01:11:03,009 --> 01:11:04,885 - PayPal? Are you on PayPal? - Yeah, PayPal it up. 1332 01:11:04,886 --> 01:11:07,554 Look at that, back and forth, like a cute couple. 1333 01:11:07,555 --> 01:11:09,932 You're like Marc Anthony and J. Lo. 1334 01:11:10,349 --> 01:11:14,102 You know, we actually had a date, but then I had sex with that guy, 1335 01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:16,730 - so Schmira broke it off. - GEORGE: You kidding me? 1336 01:11:16,731 --> 01:11:20,025 Don't worry, Ira. You know you're a better lover than Pete Rose over there. 1337 01:11:20,026 --> 01:11:21,943 Look at him. He's got the length and the width. 1338 01:11:21,944 --> 01:11:23,779 Imagine that dong of his. 1339 01:11:23,780 --> 01:11:26,072 I saw the tip of it one time. Even that was too big for me. 1340 01:11:26,073 --> 01:11:27,824 - No, it's very normal. - Yeah. 1341 01:11:27,825 --> 01:11:29,159 So, you like big penises? 1342 01:11:29,160 --> 01:11:31,828 Well, you know, I have a really skinny vagina, so... 1343 01:11:31,829 --> 01:11:33,747 If it's skinny, you should try feeding it carbs. 1344 01:11:33,748 --> 01:11:35,457 (LAUGHING) 1345 01:11:35,458 --> 01:11:37,125 - Yeah. - All right, well, jeez, you know what? 1346 01:11:37,126 --> 01:11:39,169 I'm gonna leave you two alone, huh? 1347 01:11:39,170 --> 01:11:41,463 - Yeah, okay. - I'm falling in love with the both of you. 1348 01:11:41,464 --> 01:11:43,882 - Let the awkwardness begin! - MAN: Love your work. 1349 01:11:43,883 --> 01:11:46,802 GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you for shopping at Ralphs. 1350 01:11:46,803 --> 01:11:49,971 I'm sorry. I owe you an apology. It's really weird what I did. 1351 01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:54,059 I basically yelled at you for cheating on me before we had even had a real conversation. 1352 01:11:54,060 --> 01:11:57,229 So, I'm aware of that. I know that's weird, and I'm sorry. 1353 01:11:57,230 --> 01:11:59,189 Well, it's not as weird as getting drunk 1354 01:11:59,190 --> 01:12:01,818 and having sex with the guy from Yo Teach...! So... 1355 01:12:02,151 --> 01:12:05,028 It's okay. When I first moved here, I blew Mr Belvedere. 1356 01:12:05,029 --> 01:12:06,196 (DAISY LAUGHS) 1357 01:12:06,197 --> 01:12:07,697 So, everyone does that. 1358 01:12:07,698 --> 01:12:11,326 - He's walking. George is walking to us. - Hello, ladies. 1359 01:12:11,327 --> 01:12:14,997 So, Leo? What's the excuse for not writing me jokes? 1360 01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:17,666 - What? - You could have made money. 1361 01:12:17,667 --> 01:12:20,377 I told both you guys to write jokes for me, and you decided not to. 1362 01:12:20,378 --> 01:12:24,089 What, did you have to go to LensCrafters that day? 1363 01:12:24,090 --> 01:12:26,676 I was just joking. I like your glasses. 1364 01:12:28,135 --> 01:12:31,388 He wanted both of us to write jokes for him, and you didn't tell me? 1365 01:12:31,389 --> 01:12:34,182 I apologise. It's not worth, like, losing your shit over, man. 1366 01:12:34,183 --> 01:12:36,810 What, you don't think I like money? You don't think I like private jets? 1367 01:12:36,811 --> 01:12:39,688 You don't think I want a cool job writing for George Simmons? 1368 01:12:39,689 --> 01:12:40,814 I just think you're doing well. 1369 01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:43,525 You know, you're getting gigs at the Improv all the time. 1370 01:12:43,526 --> 01:12:45,110 You're gonna have people writing for you. 1371 01:12:45,111 --> 01:12:48,029 You don't need to be writing for other people, you know. 1372 01:12:48,030 --> 01:12:49,531 I know, I'm just... I'm sorry, I just... 1373 01:12:49,532 --> 01:12:52,033 I wanted something for myself and I just, you know... 1374 01:12:52,034 --> 01:12:54,745 It's just, you know, fuck you, Ira! 1375 01:12:55,288 --> 01:12:56,913 Just 'cause you go into faggy-apology mode 1376 01:12:56,914 --> 01:12:59,291 doesn't mean I'm gonna forgive you right away! 1377 01:12:59,292 --> 01:13:03,503 Fuck you, man. Look, I did the exact same thing you've been doing this whole time. 1378 01:13:03,504 --> 01:13:05,213 You're being competitive. You do that all the time. 1379 01:13:05,214 --> 01:13:06,548 I'm doing it now, okay? 1380 01:13:06,549 --> 01:13:08,383 - I didn't make it competitive! - Yes, you did. 1381 01:13:08,384 --> 01:13:10,302 Have you ever had to work for money? No. 1382 01:13:10,303 --> 01:13:14,848 You didn't work at a coal mine, Ira! You worked at a deli! Stop crying about it! 1383 01:13:14,849 --> 01:13:17,601 I was only supposed to be on that pull-out couch for six months! 1384 01:13:17,602 --> 01:13:19,728 And we were supposed to trade! And we never did! 1385 01:13:19,729 --> 01:13:21,229 Yeah, we never did switch after six months. 1386 01:13:21,230 --> 01:13:23,899 - Yeah. Exactly. - You know why? 'Cause I pay rent, Ira! 1387 01:13:23,900 --> 01:13:27,068 You don't pay rent. Your parents pay rent! Why don't they move in? It's your fault. 1388 01:13:27,069 --> 01:13:32,825 Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims, Indians, can we please stop fighting? 1389 01:13:32,992 --> 01:13:35,869 It's Thanksgiving. We have guests inside. Please stop. 1390 01:13:35,870 --> 01:13:38,747 I'm not fighting any more. I'm done fighting. 1391 01:13:38,748 --> 01:13:40,749 - Thank you. - LEO: You called Daisy a starfucker? 1392 01:13:40,750 --> 01:13:42,250 Why don't you go cup George Simmons' balls 1393 01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,253 while you talk him to sleep every night, Ira? 1394 01:13:45,254 --> 01:13:47,924 - Leo. - Sorry. 1395 01:13:48,716 --> 01:13:52,261 I would let you do that, too. My balls are for everybody. 1396 01:13:54,388 --> 01:13:57,975 Okay. It's starting to feel like Thanksgiving around here. 1397 01:13:58,726 --> 01:13:59,810 Let's eat some food. 1398 01:14:05,733 --> 01:14:08,444 I can't believe you screwed Daisy, man. 1399 01:14:09,946 --> 01:14:10,988 What? 1400 01:14:11,989 --> 01:14:15,408 So, does anybody want to say grace or anything? 1401 01:14:15,409 --> 01:14:17,702 Leo's a good writer, apparently. Come on, get up there. 1402 01:14:17,703 --> 01:14:19,329 Yeah, Leo. 1403 01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:20,789 - MAN: Leo! - Do it, Leo. 1404 01:14:20,790 --> 01:14:24,250 - I'm okay, I'm okay. - All right, let me go. I'll do it for us. 1405 01:14:24,251 --> 01:14:26,419 Let me get it done. 1406 01:14:26,420 --> 01:14:31,132 Okay, so first let's give thanks to our families not being here. 1407 01:14:31,133 --> 01:14:32,258 (ALL AGREEING) 1408 01:14:32,259 --> 01:14:35,554 It's always easier, always easier without the family. 1409 01:14:36,097 --> 01:14:40,100 It's funny, I see you guys and you are just so much younger than me. 1410 01:14:40,101 --> 01:14:43,354 And I had no idea I was the old guy until I looked at you guys. 1411 01:14:44,897 --> 01:14:47,190 It was like when I was growing up, I had a big nose. 1412 01:14:47,191 --> 01:14:50,568 I had no idea until I went to the Gap and saw a three-way mirror, 1413 01:14:50,569 --> 01:14:53,113 and I was like, "Wow, I didn't know I had that thing." 1414 01:14:53,114 --> 01:14:54,239 (ALL LAUGH) 1415 01:14:54,240 --> 01:15:00,662 Yeah. No, it's a... It's good to be young. It kind of sucks being old, so just enjoy this. 1416 01:15:00,663 --> 01:15:04,749 Enjoy time. Time slips away, I promise you. 1417 01:15:04,750 --> 01:15:08,336 I had a dinner like this 20 years ago 1418 01:15:08,337 --> 01:15:12,507 with guys that we just, like, lost touch with each other. 1419 01:15:12,508 --> 01:15:15,720 I never talk to them any more. Some of them are dead. 1420 01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:20,891 So, yeah, you don't... Things slip away. 1421 01:15:22,435 --> 01:15:25,479 If you love somebody, don't let them slip away. 1422 01:15:26,689 --> 01:15:28,690 I swear to you, 1423 01:15:28,691 --> 01:15:31,317 this will be your most memorable Thanksgiving, 1424 01:15:31,318 --> 01:15:34,112 the one that you'll want the rest of your life, the one that you say, 1425 01:15:34,113 --> 01:15:36,865 "Man, it was never as good as that night." 1426 01:15:36,866 --> 01:15:41,536 So, let this night be great. Enjoy the taste of Leo's balls. 1427 01:15:41,537 --> 01:15:43,038 (ALL LAUGHING) 1428 01:15:43,039 --> 01:15:44,040 Rock 'n' roll! 1429 01:15:45,374 --> 01:15:49,127 Jesus, every time I'm near you I feel like fucking Danny DeVito. 1430 01:15:49,128 --> 01:15:51,963 Everybody feels like Danny DeVito when, you know, they walk by me. 1431 01:15:51,964 --> 01:15:53,214 Yeah. You're a giant. 1432 01:15:53,215 --> 01:15:54,382 (CLEARS THROAT) 1433 01:15:54,383 --> 01:15:56,218 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. 1434 01:15:56,719 --> 01:15:57,720 Um. 1435 01:15:58,345 --> 01:16:00,555 - I don't want to get your hopes up. - Mmm-hmm. 1436 01:16:00,556 --> 01:16:04,142 We put you on this experimental medication without much optimism. 1437 01:16:04,143 --> 01:16:08,396 About 3% of all the people that we put on this medication get positive results. 1438 01:16:08,397 --> 01:16:09,564 Mmm-hmm. 1439 01:16:09,565 --> 01:16:12,984 You actually belong to these 8%. 1440 01:16:12,985 --> 01:16:17,448 I looked through your blood work, and I couldn't find any traces of the disease. 1441 01:16:18,491 --> 01:16:22,453 I don't want to speak too soon, but we may have beaten this thing. 1442 01:16:25,414 --> 01:16:27,999 Are you fucking with me 'cause I fucked with you? 1443 01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:31,252 So, that's the good news, Mr Bond. 1444 01:16:31,253 --> 01:16:32,463 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1445 01:16:33,714 --> 01:16:36,383 So, this is, this is... This is good news. 1446 01:16:37,551 --> 01:16:41,388 - Like my accent now? - Now I like your accent, yeah. 1447 01:16:42,056 --> 01:16:44,850 I was excited all morning to tell you this news. 1448 01:16:45,351 --> 01:16:47,852 So, what happens now? What do I... What do I do now? 1449 01:16:47,853 --> 01:16:51,565 Maybe you can make another funny movie that I could laugh about. 1450 01:16:51,732 --> 01:16:57,112 Yeah. Wow. I wasn't expecting this to really work. 1451 01:16:57,113 --> 01:16:58,530 I was getting used to being sick. 1452 01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:01,533 I was actually thinking I was pretty good at that. 1453 01:17:01,534 --> 01:17:03,452 Get back to your life. 1454 01:17:09,458 --> 01:17:11,668 (PHONE RINGING) 1455 01:17:11,669 --> 01:17:14,170 IRA: Hey, this is Ira. I'm not in. Leave a message. 1456 01:17:14,171 --> 01:17:15,296 (PHONE BEEPS) 1457 01:17:15,297 --> 01:17:20,928 (SINGSONG) Ira, I have a secret to tell you. It will make you happy. 1458 01:17:39,947 --> 01:17:42,992 - Hi. Bonita? - George. 1459 01:17:46,328 --> 01:17:49,622 I was sick, you know that. And I just went to the doctor's. 1460 01:17:49,623 --> 01:17:53,794 - He said I'm not sick any more. - Oh, congratulations. 1461 01:17:57,131 --> 01:18:00,593 I found the pants you're looking for. They are in the closet. 1462 01:18:02,887 --> 01:18:06,599 - Thank you. - Bye, George. 1463 01:18:08,392 --> 01:18:10,686 George! Is it true? 1464 01:18:11,520 --> 01:18:12,937 - It's true. - Yes! 1465 01:18:12,938 --> 01:18:14,689 - It's all right. All right, go ahead. - Yeah! 1466 01:18:14,690 --> 01:18:18,818 - All right. - (LAUGHING) Oh, God! Yeah! 1467 01:18:18,819 --> 01:18:20,028 All right, baby. 1468 01:18:20,029 --> 01:18:23,240 All right, all right. Now what the fuck do we do? 1469 01:18:25,409 --> 01:18:27,619 Hey, congratulations, George. That's awesome, man. 1470 01:18:27,620 --> 01:18:29,288 - Thank you. - You got cured of AIDS. 1471 01:18:29,663 --> 01:18:30,788 (LAUGHS) I didn't have AIDS. 1472 01:18:30,789 --> 01:18:33,583 Hey, let me get you a cocktail. Hey, not an AIDS cocktail. A regular. 1473 01:18:33,584 --> 01:18:37,796 - No, I don't want a drink. I'm good. - I'm gonna get one of them ribbons. 1474 01:18:38,380 --> 01:18:39,797 - You're alive? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 1475 01:18:39,798 --> 01:18:43,009 Unbelievable! This guy. This guy, man. 1476 01:18:43,010 --> 01:18:47,055 You got the women, you got the fame, and you can't fucking die! 1477 01:18:47,056 --> 01:18:49,349 Did you suck the devil's dick? What is it, man? 1478 01:18:49,350 --> 01:18:50,516 I wanna know the secret. 1479 01:18:50,517 --> 01:18:52,310 I actually told a bunch of people we did have sex, 1480 01:18:52,311 --> 01:18:53,811 so if you could go along with that. 1481 01:18:53,812 --> 01:18:55,104 - You did? - Yes. 1482 01:18:55,105 --> 01:18:59,442 Everybody wants to fuck me, but it's better that I don't 1483 01:18:59,443 --> 01:19:00,902 because you don't want... 1484 01:19:00,903 --> 01:19:03,154 The mystery is definitely more flattering... 1485 01:19:03,155 --> 01:19:07,075 - Yeah? - ...and the reality is so, like, flobbety. 1486 01:19:07,076 --> 01:19:08,744 - Like not the word, but... - Floppety? Yeah, lippety. 1487 01:19:09,161 --> 01:19:11,204 Yeah, I look like this. Like a sandwich. 1488 01:19:11,205 --> 01:19:14,165 Like a... There's, like, meat coming. 1489 01:19:14,166 --> 01:19:16,334 That would have been... I could get... 1490 01:19:16,335 --> 01:19:17,670 (EXCLAIMING) Look at that! 1491 01:19:18,629 --> 01:19:20,463 "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" 1492 01:19:20,464 --> 01:19:24,218 Shit! Shit! I didn't know you had energy like that. Jesus... 1493 01:19:24,385 --> 01:19:26,219 But I think the best thing for you would be, you know... 1494 01:19:26,220 --> 01:19:31,558 The best cure, besides the real cure, is to get back to work and do what you do. 1495 01:19:31,976 --> 01:19:34,060 There are stacks of offers on my desk for you. 1496 01:19:34,061 --> 01:19:37,063 I mean, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting an offer for you. 1497 01:19:37,064 --> 01:19:38,648 - Good. - Yeah, you ready for this? 1498 01:19:38,649 --> 01:19:40,817 Paul Rudd wants to do a bromance with you. 1499 01:19:40,818 --> 01:19:43,987 I think I might... I just might even not work for a little while. 1500 01:19:43,988 --> 01:19:45,571 I was thinking maybe just, like, taking time off, 1501 01:19:45,572 --> 01:19:51,202 try to get myself in a relationship with, like, another human being, a normal one. 1502 01:19:51,203 --> 01:19:52,370 Just see if I can handle that. 1503 01:19:52,371 --> 01:19:55,164 Funny you should say that. I've... 'Cause I invited someone. 1504 01:19:55,165 --> 01:19:57,667 Brought... invited this woman here today that I think you'd really like. 1505 01:19:57,668 --> 01:19:58,793 I think you'd really hit it off with her. 1506 01:19:58,794 --> 01:20:01,337 She's... She's great. She's something new for you. 1507 01:20:01,338 --> 01:20:03,631 A real person. She's not a waitress. 1508 01:20:03,632 --> 01:20:05,884 - She's not an actress. - All right, thanks. 1509 01:20:06,385 --> 01:20:10,222 You know, the internet dating thing actually... Actually kind of works. 1510 01:20:10,639 --> 01:20:13,224 - That's good. - I've actually been on a couple of JDates. 1511 01:20:13,225 --> 01:20:15,727 - No way. What's that? - Yeah... What's a JDate? 1512 01:20:15,728 --> 01:20:17,854 What, is that an internet thing I should know about? 1513 01:20:17,855 --> 01:20:19,522 I'm not... I don't do that shit. 1514 01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:22,692 It's a website where Jewish people can find each other. 1515 01:20:22,693 --> 01:20:25,028 - Really? A whole list of Jewish people? - Yeah. 1516 01:20:25,029 --> 01:20:28,240 I didn't think Jewish people liked to be on lists. 1517 01:20:29,783 --> 01:20:31,744 Because of the Holocaust. 1518 01:20:33,454 --> 01:20:36,415 - Wow. - How's this going, by the way? 1519 01:20:37,708 --> 01:20:39,793 It's been great to meet you. 1520 01:20:41,462 --> 01:20:44,256 You know what? I think you fucked up. 1521 01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:48,885 - How's that? - I think you fucked up. I think... 1522 01:20:48,886 --> 01:20:50,011 (SIGHS) 1523 01:20:50,012 --> 01:20:51,929 I don't think you should have took that medicine. 1524 01:20:51,930 --> 01:20:53,098 Why not? 1525 01:20:54,475 --> 01:20:57,436 I don't know. Personally, I think you should have just let yourself die. 1526 01:20:57,603 --> 01:20:59,395 Honestly, man, what are... What are you gonna do now? 1527 01:20:59,396 --> 01:21:01,606 Make another bullshit movie? 1528 01:21:01,607 --> 01:21:03,900 Fuck another chick who doesn't like you? 1529 01:21:03,901 --> 01:21:06,069 You know? That was your way out right there. 1530 01:21:06,070 --> 01:21:07,737 - Hmm. - Now you're fucking stuck. 1531 01:21:07,738 --> 01:21:08,863 Yeah. 1532 01:21:08,864 --> 01:21:10,615 You're stuck just like me. 1533 01:21:10,616 --> 01:21:14,827 Can't go to fucking Chuck E. Cheese. I can't go to Target, I can't go to Best Buy. 1534 01:21:14,828 --> 01:21:18,290 I can't go to fucking Wal-Mart, Kmart. You fucking name it, I can't go there. 1535 01:21:18,457 --> 01:21:19,582 Yeah, that's true. 1536 01:21:19,583 --> 01:21:21,834 Everyone in this fucking room is either staring at us, 1537 01:21:21,835 --> 01:21:23,295 wanting to take a fucking picture. 1538 01:21:23,921 --> 01:21:26,422 - Yeah. Got it. - E-mail that to me. 1539 01:21:26,423 --> 01:21:28,591 - I will. That's awesome. - Yeah. 1540 01:21:28,592 --> 01:21:32,471 Who the fuck is that guy right there? That fucking guy right there. 1541 01:21:32,679 --> 01:21:34,931 What? Ray Romano's bothering you? 1542 01:21:34,932 --> 01:21:36,307 Who? Ray, Ray who? 1543 01:21:36,308 --> 01:21:38,893 Ray Romano, the guy item Everybody Loves Raymond. 1544 01:21:38,894 --> 01:21:42,021 I don't give a fuck what show he's on. I'll fuck this motherfucker up, man! 1545 01:21:42,022 --> 01:21:44,273 - Hey. - Hey, Ray! 1546 01:21:44,274 --> 01:21:46,693 - Hello, Marshall. - Fucking problem here, buddy? 1547 01:21:47,653 --> 01:21:50,780 Would you like to fuck me? Is that what this is? 1548 01:21:50,781 --> 01:21:51,948 I don't get it, man. What's going on? 1549 01:21:51,949 --> 01:21:55,159 Would you like me to fucking bend over for you right now? 1550 01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:56,745 - (WHISPERING) Say no. - No, man. 1551 01:21:57,246 --> 01:21:58,371 (EXHALES) 1552 01:21:58,372 --> 01:21:59,872 I just gotta always be on my toes, man. 1553 01:21:59,873 --> 01:22:00,998 You know? 1554 01:22:00,999 --> 01:22:02,500 (SCOFFS) I see that, but not with Ray Romano. 1555 01:22:02,501 --> 01:22:06,505 - This is why I don't go out of the house. - I thought everybody loved you. 1556 01:22:07,923 --> 01:22:12,760 So, now that you got this, this second chance, man, like, what do you want? 1557 01:22:12,761 --> 01:22:14,555 I kind of don't want anything. 1558 01:22:15,722 --> 01:22:17,558 So, then what are we celebrating? 1559 01:22:26,066 --> 01:22:27,860 (PHONE RINGING) 1560 01:22:30,112 --> 01:22:32,196 - Clarke? - (IMITATING PIRATE) Yes, it's Clarke. 1561 01:22:32,197 --> 01:22:35,575 It's Clarke and I... I'm calling to check on you, matey. 1562 01:22:35,576 --> 01:22:36,868 (LAURA LAUGHING) 1563 01:22:36,869 --> 01:22:38,202 Yeah. 1564 01:22:38,203 --> 01:22:43,166 I'm back from the sea. It's fun to play with my didjeridu! 1565 01:22:43,167 --> 01:22:45,626 (IMITATING PIRATE) You sound a little bit like a pirate. 1566 01:22:45,627 --> 01:22:49,172 Do I sound Australian? Is this what Clarke sounds like? 1567 01:22:49,173 --> 01:22:51,716 That's a terrible Australian accent. 1568 01:22:51,717 --> 01:22:52,842 What are you doing, Laura? 1569 01:22:52,843 --> 01:22:54,385 - Am I bothering you? Is he there? - No, no, no, no, no. 1570 01:22:54,386 --> 01:22:56,096 Am I supposed to hang up? What's going on? 1571 01:22:56,305 --> 01:22:59,182 Clarke's away for business in China. 1572 01:22:59,183 --> 01:23:01,392 Sent him out for egg rolls again? 1573 01:23:01,393 --> 01:23:03,854 Are you guys all right? What's going on? 1574 01:23:04,271 --> 01:23:06,272 Mable has her recital tomorrow. 1575 01:23:06,273 --> 01:23:08,900 - She's singing Memory from Cats. - Oh, yeah? 1576 01:23:08,901 --> 01:23:12,111 - You know that song, Memory? - Yeah. I wish I could be there to see that. 1577 01:23:12,112 --> 01:23:15,239 - You can come. - I can come? All right, I'm coming. 1578 01:23:15,240 --> 01:23:16,491 Your daughter will be all right with that? 1579 01:23:16,492 --> 01:23:18,743 That I'm sitting right next to you holding you tight? 1580 01:23:18,744 --> 01:23:23,414 - Stop. How are you feeling? - I'm doing good. I'm doing... 1581 01:23:23,415 --> 01:23:26,835 - It is what it is. I... - So, what happened with your tests? 1582 01:23:27,503 --> 01:23:30,881 - Laura, let's not talk about all that. - What did the doctor say? 1583 01:23:31,507 --> 01:23:35,760 The Swedish Nazi? He never has good news. 1584 01:23:35,761 --> 01:23:38,430 It is what it is. I don't want to talk about it. 1585 01:23:39,473 --> 01:23:41,933 Come on, let's just talk about you. 1586 01:23:41,934 --> 01:23:46,146 - What are you doing, Laura? - Do you want me to talk you to sleep? 1587 01:23:46,605 --> 01:23:48,565 Oh, my God. You remember. 1588 01:23:50,192 --> 01:23:51,609 You want me to do that for you? 1589 01:23:51,610 --> 01:23:53,194 You will talk to me while I try to go to sleep? 1590 01:23:53,195 --> 01:23:56,155 I'll put you on speakerphone. That will be the best night of my life. 1591 01:23:56,156 --> 01:23:59,409 Let's not go to sleep yet, though, please. Just talk to Laura. 1592 01:24:00,911 --> 01:24:02,078 IRA: Hello? 1593 01:24:02,079 --> 01:24:04,331 - Hi, Ira. - Hey, how's it going? 1594 01:24:04,915 --> 01:24:08,210 - Ira, you're my best friend. - (LAUGHS) I like you, too. 1595 01:24:08,377 --> 01:24:12,088 - You're my best friend. - You sound like you're in a good mood, man. 1596 01:24:12,089 --> 01:24:14,632 (IMITATING PIRATE) I'm in a great mood because we're setting sail today. 1597 01:24:14,633 --> 01:24:19,054 We're gonna do a gig together! Ira and Georgie, finally on the road! 1598 01:24:19,221 --> 01:24:22,890 We're setting sail, are we? Where, where are we going? 1599 01:24:22,891 --> 01:24:27,395 We're going to the Port of San Francisco. We set sail on the morrow. 1600 01:24:27,396 --> 01:24:28,854 How much time am I supposed to do? 1601 01:24:28,855 --> 01:24:33,401 Oh, they've booked you to do a minute for every inch of cock you have. 1602 01:24:33,402 --> 01:24:36,070 You'll be doing two and a half to four minutes, 1603 01:24:36,071 --> 01:24:38,615 depending on your mood, little Ira. 1604 01:24:41,743 --> 01:24:43,953 George, you have a visitor. 1605 01:24:43,954 --> 01:24:44,955 GEORGE: Oh. 1606 01:24:45,789 --> 01:24:47,832 - Hi. - Whoa! 1607 01:24:47,833 --> 01:24:48,958 - LAURA: Hello. - Wow. 1608 01:24:48,959 --> 01:24:50,418 - Hey, hi! - Hey! 1609 01:24:50,419 --> 01:24:51,919 - All right. - How are you? 1610 01:24:51,920 --> 01:24:54,922 - LAURA: I'm good. - I'm so psyched you came. 1611 01:24:54,923 --> 01:24:56,924 - Wow, you look amazing! - Thank you. 1612 01:24:56,925 --> 01:24:58,759 - Beautiful. - I think I overdressed. 1613 01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,220 - No way. You look incredible. - I just... 1614 01:25:01,221 --> 01:25:04,098 Where... Where is he? Where is the Clarke? 1615 01:25:04,099 --> 01:25:08,269 The Clarke? He's out of town. I was gonna bring my friend Betsy with me, 1616 01:25:08,270 --> 01:25:10,479 but her son started throwing up, so... 1617 01:25:10,480 --> 01:25:13,316 The husband's out of town, baby's vomiting. Rock 'n' roll. 1618 01:25:13,317 --> 01:25:16,861 (LAUGHING) I like it. Yeah. Yeah. 1619 01:25:16,862 --> 01:25:18,321 Anyway, I don't want to keep you 1620 01:25:18,322 --> 01:25:21,073 - or get in the way. - No, don't run away. Come on, Ira, say hello. 1621 01:25:21,074 --> 01:25:23,284 - Hey, Ira. - Hey, how's it going? 1622 01:25:23,285 --> 01:25:25,995 So, I'll let you go. I just wanted to say hi. 1623 01:25:25,996 --> 01:25:27,872 No cursing. Don't curse so much. 1624 01:25:27,873 --> 01:25:30,082 Okay, all right! Nothing dirty. I don't know how. 1625 01:25:30,083 --> 01:25:33,210 You just cut my set in half, but that's fine. All right, see you, kid. 1626 01:25:33,211 --> 01:25:35,922 - Okay, good luck. - Thanks for coming. 1627 01:25:37,966 --> 01:25:41,385 You gotta tell her I'm better at intermission, all right? 1628 01:25:41,386 --> 01:25:44,764 - You haven't told her that you're better? - No, I'm not good at stuff like that. 1629 01:25:44,765 --> 01:25:46,974 Just... She'll be cool with it. She'll be... 1630 01:25:46,975 --> 01:25:50,227 You're giving her good news, she'll be happy. 1631 01:25:50,228 --> 01:25:51,562 We're gonna go by her house tomorrow, too. 1632 01:25:51,563 --> 01:25:52,730 (SIGHS) 1633 01:25:52,731 --> 01:25:54,857 Yeah, we're just visiting her. I just want to say hi, 1634 01:25:54,858 --> 01:25:56,777 see how she's doing, where she lives, that kind of thing. 1635 01:25:57,069 --> 01:25:59,529 Why did you guys break up in the first place? 1636 01:26:00,280 --> 01:26:03,699 - I cheated on her. - Why would you cheat on her? 1637 01:26:03,700 --> 01:26:08,079 It's easy not to cheat when no one wants to fuck you, you judgemental prick. 1638 01:26:08,080 --> 01:26:09,122 Okay. 1639 01:26:09,456 --> 01:26:14,794 I have a theory that Tom Cruise, David Beckham and Will Smith 1640 01:26:14,795 --> 01:26:16,712 have mooshed the heads of their penises together. 1641 01:26:16,713 --> 01:26:18,215 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1642 01:26:19,091 --> 01:26:22,176 I think that this has happened. I don't think it happened in a gay way. 1643 01:26:22,177 --> 01:26:25,680 I think it just happened out of boredom. I think just rich-dude boredom. 1644 01:26:25,681 --> 01:26:29,225 Just like, "What have we not done, guys? We've done everything!" 1645 01:26:29,226 --> 01:26:31,811 "I'll tell you one thing we haven't done." 1646 01:26:31,812 --> 01:26:35,356 And I bet when it happened, it was an epic occurrence. It was huge. 1647 01:26:35,357 --> 01:26:36,565 I think of it all the time. 1648 01:26:36,566 --> 01:26:38,943 I think first, you know, David and Tom touched dick heads. 1649 01:26:38,944 --> 01:26:43,115 And it was easy, just zoonk. Because there was a magnetic field to it. 1650 01:26:43,323 --> 01:26:45,199 And then Will Smith started approaching with his dick 1651 01:26:45,200 --> 01:26:47,159 and, like, wind started blowing in his face, 1652 01:26:47,160 --> 01:26:52,039 and paper started flying everywhere and he just couldn't do it. 1653 01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:55,167 And they're like, "Come on, Will, get it in there!" "I can't do it!" 1654 01:26:55,168 --> 01:26:56,293 Beckham yells, 1655 01:26:56,294 --> 01:26:59,339 (IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Don't cross the streams! It's like Ghost Busters?" 1656 01:26:59,548 --> 01:27:02,007 And then he does it and Flash by Queen starts playing. 1657 01:27:02,008 --> 01:27:03,343 It's just, Flash! 1658 01:27:03,760 --> 01:27:08,265 Light shoots into the sky! That's how stars are born, I think. 1659 01:27:09,307 --> 01:27:12,978 Anyway, I'm Ira Wright. Have a good night. Thank you, all, very much. 1660 01:27:20,026 --> 01:27:22,654 - IRA: Hey. How's it going? - That was so good! 1661 01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:25,156 You seem so surprised. 1662 01:27:25,157 --> 01:27:27,658 - Well, you looked so nervous before. - I was, actually. 1663 01:27:27,659 --> 01:27:30,369 - That was good. That was really good. - Thank you. I appreciate that. 1664 01:27:30,370 --> 01:27:33,873 And the ball cleavage thing, that was hilarious. 1665 01:27:33,874 --> 01:27:37,335 Classic stuff. Thank you. Glad you're having fun. 1666 01:27:39,796 --> 01:27:41,881 George says that he's known you for a while. How did... 1667 01:27:41,882 --> 01:27:43,799 - Yeah. - How did you guys first hook up? 1668 01:27:43,800 --> 01:27:46,261 I was the hat-check girl at the Improv and I was an actress. 1669 01:27:46,595 --> 01:27:47,845 - So, you kind of... - Yeah, yeah. 1670 01:27:47,846 --> 01:27:51,056 That's good. What, were you in anything I might've seen? 1671 01:27:51,057 --> 01:27:55,895 I did those, like, Melrose Place and 90210. 1672 01:27:55,896 --> 01:27:58,147 - Awesome. - I always played the bitch. 1673 01:27:58,148 --> 01:27:59,398 I wasn't that good, actually. 1674 01:27:59,399 --> 01:28:02,318 No, you must be a great actress, 'cause you're not at all bitchy, so... 1675 01:28:02,319 --> 01:28:03,652 (LAUGHS) 1676 01:28:03,653 --> 01:28:04,820 Thanks, Ira. 1677 01:28:04,821 --> 01:28:09,700 Okay, look, I'm not... Honestly, I'm not supposed to be telling you 1678 01:28:09,701 --> 01:28:12,495 what I'm about to tell you because George... He doesn't want to jinx it. 1679 01:28:12,496 --> 01:28:16,916 It's not 100%, but the last time that he went to the doctor, 1680 01:28:16,917 --> 01:28:21,003 they couldn't find any trace of the disease in his blood work any more, 1681 01:28:21,004 --> 01:28:24,799 - so it seems like he might be better. - What are you talking about? 1682 01:28:24,800 --> 01:28:26,133 ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen... 1683 01:28:26,134 --> 01:28:27,551 We think he might be okay. 1684 01:28:27,552 --> 01:28:29,762 ...George Simmons! 1685 01:28:29,763 --> 01:28:32,140 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 1686 01:28:40,899 --> 01:28:42,316 Thank you. 1687 01:28:42,317 --> 01:28:45,904 Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. 1688 01:28:48,031 --> 01:28:49,866 It's great to be here. 1689 01:28:51,159 --> 01:28:53,995 It's great. It's great to be alive! 1690 01:28:55,622 --> 01:28:58,666 Yeah, man. Thank you. Right on. Okay. 1691 01:28:58,667 --> 01:29:01,001 - MAN: Thank you for coming, George! - Thank you. All right. 1692 01:29:01,002 --> 01:29:03,630 That's very nice. Man, oh, man. 1693 01:29:04,381 --> 01:29:07,800 Any other 40-year-olds out there tonight? In their 40s? 1694 01:29:07,801 --> 01:29:11,387 It's funny. In your 20s you're like, "Fuck you, man. Fuck that shit. 1695 01:29:11,388 --> 01:29:13,889 "Fuck my parents. I don't need none of that shit." 1696 01:29:13,890 --> 01:29:18,143 In your 30s you're like, "Fuck the President. Fuck that guy, that fucking asshole." 1697 01:29:18,144 --> 01:29:20,479 In your 40s you're like, "I'm hungry. 1698 01:29:20,480 --> 01:29:21,772 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) 1699 01:29:21,773 --> 01:29:24,149 "What do we have in the fridge?" 1700 01:29:24,150 --> 01:29:26,569 Well, why didn't you tell me? I was just here. 1701 01:29:26,570 --> 01:29:29,280 Laura, if I told you, you might not have talked to me any more, so I... 1702 01:29:29,281 --> 01:29:31,115 What are you talking about? That's ridiculous. 1703 01:29:31,116 --> 01:29:33,075 I knew you forgave me because I was sick 1704 01:29:33,076 --> 01:29:34,952 and there was no other way you would forgive me. 1705 01:29:34,953 --> 01:29:38,747 I know, but it's different now. We've been talking... What are you... No! 1706 01:29:38,748 --> 01:29:41,918 - Really? - This is... So, what are you... So, did the... 1707 01:29:42,335 --> 01:29:44,378 The doctor said I'm good. I'm better for now. 1708 01:29:44,379 --> 01:29:47,966 I don't know what the hell's gonna happen, but for now the guy said I'm good. 1709 01:29:49,509 --> 01:29:50,552 (SIGHS) 1710 01:29:51,011 --> 01:29:53,930 - I'm so happy. - You are happy? 1711 01:29:55,015 --> 01:29:57,309 - Mmm-hmm. - God, thank you. Thank you. 1712 01:30:07,986 --> 01:30:10,030 GEORGE: All right. Yeah. 1713 01:30:11,364 --> 01:30:12,365 (SIGHS) 1714 01:30:15,452 --> 01:30:18,121 - You okay, man? - Yeah, yeah, I'm good. 1715 01:30:18,455 --> 01:30:19,580 (EXHALES) 1716 01:30:19,581 --> 01:30:21,206 I hope they got some food. 1717 01:30:21,207 --> 01:30:22,500 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 1718 01:30:23,001 --> 01:30:24,002 Hey, hey. 1719 01:30:24,169 --> 01:30:25,961 - Hi! - Hi. 1720 01:30:25,962 --> 01:30:29,465 I'm so glad you guys came. Hello. Hi. 1721 01:30:29,466 --> 01:30:31,133 - Good to see you. Wow. - Hi. How's it going? 1722 01:30:31,134 --> 01:30:34,554 - Hello, Ira. - Oh! Thank you. 1723 01:30:35,722 --> 01:30:38,933 - Jeez. Beautiful house! - Thank you. 1724 01:30:38,934 --> 01:30:41,143 How long have you guys been here? 1725 01:30:41,144 --> 01:30:43,437 We've been here about five years now. 1726 01:30:43,438 --> 01:30:44,563 (SNARLS) 1727 01:30:44,564 --> 01:30:48,484 - What's up? - This is my friend, George. And this is Ira. 1728 01:30:48,485 --> 01:30:49,777 This is Ingrid. 1729 01:30:49,778 --> 01:30:52,989 Wow! George didn't mention you had a daughter. 1730 01:30:53,865 --> 01:30:57,869 - GEORGE: Have you seen any of my movies? - I saw the movie where you had a baby body. 1731 01:30:58,036 --> 01:31:01,081 So, you saw Re-Do. Can you do the face? 1732 01:31:02,499 --> 01:31:04,668 (BOTH BABBLING) 1733 01:31:09,381 --> 01:31:11,216 GEORGE: Hey, that's a good impression. 1734 01:31:11,591 --> 01:31:13,384 Don't leave me in the playroom! 1735 01:31:13,385 --> 01:31:15,762 This is my daughter, Mable. She just got braces. 1736 01:31:16,137 --> 01:31:17,138 Oh, yeah? Let me see them. 1737 01:31:17,639 --> 01:31:20,892 You mind if I eat a little bit of that sandwich right there? 1738 01:31:22,602 --> 01:31:24,478 - Ira? - I'm... I'm full. 1739 01:31:24,479 --> 01:31:26,480 Do you guys want to play the peanut-butter game? 1740 01:31:26,481 --> 01:31:28,691 It's fun. You want to play? 1741 01:31:28,692 --> 01:31:30,192 - Let's do it! - Ira? 1742 01:31:30,193 --> 01:31:32,695 - Yeah, I like peanut butter, yeah. - Let's do the peanut-butter game! 1743 01:31:32,696 --> 01:31:33,946 - All right! - Hooray! 1744 01:31:33,947 --> 01:31:36,992 Peanut-butter game! Peanut-butter game! 1745 01:31:37,200 --> 01:31:38,409 Okay, just put a little bit. 1746 01:31:38,410 --> 01:31:39,535 MABLE: Okay. GEORGE: What's she doing? 1747 01:31:39,536 --> 01:31:40,661 A little bit. 1748 01:31:40,662 --> 01:31:41,954 (LAUGHING) 1749 01:31:41,955 --> 01:31:43,539 Okay, okay. I think that's good. 1750 01:31:43,540 --> 01:31:46,500 This is what you guys do in your free time? Okay. 1751 01:31:46,501 --> 01:31:47,876 MABLE: There he is! GEORGE: Oh, boy. 1752 01:31:47,877 --> 01:31:49,003 LAURA: Come on. 1753 01:31:49,004 --> 01:31:50,337 (LAUGHING) 1754 01:31:50,338 --> 01:31:52,172 GEORGE: He got her. He got her. 1755 01:31:52,173 --> 01:31:54,092 (EXCLAIMING) 1756 01:31:55,719 --> 01:31:57,511 Oh, so, you're supposed to do it on the ears. 1757 01:31:57,512 --> 01:31:59,430 - LAURA: George's turn! - Yeah! George's turn! 1758 01:31:59,431 --> 01:32:00,639 No. I don't want to do that. 1759 01:32:00,640 --> 01:32:02,349 - LAURA: Yeah, George's turn! - No, Ira will go. Let Ira go. 1760 01:32:02,350 --> 01:32:03,851 No, no, George. 1761 01:32:03,852 --> 01:32:05,186 - Come on. - Okay, all right! 1762 01:32:05,770 --> 01:32:07,771 I just washed my hair this morning. 1763 01:32:07,772 --> 01:32:09,399 BOTH: George! George! George! George! 1764 01:32:10,442 --> 01:32:11,692 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 1765 01:32:11,693 --> 01:32:13,778 Oh, God! 1766 01:32:15,905 --> 01:32:17,031 No! 1767 01:32:17,032 --> 01:32:19,199 - Just not the... - Look at this. 1768 01:32:19,200 --> 01:32:20,743 GEORGE: That's not the game! 1769 01:32:20,744 --> 01:32:22,078 (ALL CHEERING) 1770 01:32:26,624 --> 01:32:31,420 - And we have a pond with a Buddha and... - Wow! 1771 01:32:31,421 --> 01:32:33,423 (BOTH EXCLAIMING) 1772 01:32:35,300 --> 01:32:36,759 Does that hurt? 1773 01:32:36,760 --> 01:32:39,678 So, what... Who is a good... You're a good guy, you're a bad guy? 1774 01:32:39,679 --> 01:32:41,139 (EXCLAIMING) 1775 01:33:00,658 --> 01:33:05,954 - Now I go. - And now I go. 1776 01:33:05,955 --> 01:33:08,207 You can't move. You're stuck. 1777 01:33:08,208 --> 01:33:09,333 - Ira. - IRA: Hey. 1778 01:33:09,334 --> 01:33:12,003 Hey, Laura asked if we want to eat dinner here tonight. 1779 01:33:12,754 --> 01:33:15,923 Oh, thank you. What... We... 1780 01:33:15,924 --> 01:33:17,174 It's like an eight-hour drive back. 1781 01:33:17,175 --> 01:33:19,927 We won't get home till like 5:00 in the morning that way. 1782 01:33:19,928 --> 01:33:21,053 GEORGE: We'll figure something out. 1783 01:33:21,054 --> 01:33:24,848 So, we're gonna go to the grocery store and get some food so I can cook. 1784 01:33:24,849 --> 01:33:28,769 - Home-cooked meal. Perfect. - Okay. So, you're okay to watch the girls? 1785 01:33:28,770 --> 01:33:30,562 Yeah, definitely. I'm good with kids. 1786 01:33:30,563 --> 01:33:33,565 I was a... I was a Jewish summer camp counsellor for five years. 1787 01:33:33,566 --> 01:33:35,025 (SPEAKING HEBREW) 1788 01:33:35,026 --> 01:33:37,528 But I'm good with non-Jewish kids, too. 1789 01:33:37,529 --> 01:33:39,947 Okay, so we'll be right back. It's around the corner. 1790 01:33:39,948 --> 01:33:41,199 GEORGE: Very good. 1791 01:33:49,040 --> 01:33:51,876 Should I have worn my jogging shoes? Where are we going? 1792 01:34:04,097 --> 01:34:07,182 You sure? You sure you want to do this? 1793 01:34:07,183 --> 01:34:09,101 Wherever my husband is, he's probably doing the same thing. 1794 01:34:09,102 --> 01:34:10,227 Mmm-hmm. 1795 01:34:10,228 --> 01:34:11,271 Okay. 1796 01:34:12,981 --> 01:34:13,982 Jesus. 1797 01:34:14,732 --> 01:34:15,733 (SIGHS) 1798 01:34:17,235 --> 01:34:18,819 Echo, echo, echo. 1799 01:34:18,820 --> 01:34:20,238 (LAUGHING) 1800 01:34:23,741 --> 01:34:24,950 You know, when I broke up with you, 1801 01:34:24,951 --> 01:34:28,830 I tried to find somebody who was the exact opposite of you. 1802 01:34:31,457 --> 01:34:33,918 But Clarke is exactly like you. 1803 01:34:35,420 --> 01:34:38,840 It's like I'm programmed to find the same person, 1804 01:34:39,883 --> 01:34:43,303 like there's some lesson I'm supposed to learn from it all. 1805 01:34:44,929 --> 01:34:47,390 How many times did you cheat on me? 1806 01:34:48,057 --> 01:34:51,143 I don't want to paint a picture. 1807 01:34:51,144 --> 01:34:55,231 I was young and stupid, but I changed, I swear to God. 1808 01:34:56,524 --> 01:34:59,151 How exactly have you changed? 1809 01:34:59,152 --> 01:35:03,364 I got a peek at something most people only get to see once. 1810 01:35:05,491 --> 01:35:08,160 You know, I went to a psychic who told me that... 1811 01:35:08,161 --> 01:35:12,664 That you and I would get back together when we were 70. 1812 01:35:12,665 --> 01:35:15,043 And she also said not to eat any chicken. 1813 01:35:15,793 --> 01:35:18,504 - Well, we couldn't wait. - Mmm-hmm. 1814 01:35:18,796 --> 01:35:23,092 - You loved me before anybody loved me. - I know. 1815 01:35:28,765 --> 01:35:32,143 This is the only place that I ever wanted to be. 1816 01:35:33,102 --> 01:35:37,732 - When is George gonna die? - George is gonna die? 1817 01:35:39,776 --> 01:35:42,027 No. Why would you guys say that? 1818 01:35:42,028 --> 01:35:45,322 I heard my mom talking to her friend on the phone, and she was crying. 1819 01:35:45,323 --> 01:35:47,199 I don't want George to die. 1820 01:35:47,200 --> 01:35:50,035 - Why do you care? You just met him. - Shut up. 1821 01:35:50,036 --> 01:35:51,995 - You shut up! - Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys. 1822 01:35:51,996 --> 01:35:53,497 George is not gonna die. 1823 01:35:53,498 --> 01:35:57,417 George, he was sick, but he went to the doctor 1824 01:35:57,418 --> 01:35:59,044 and they gave him different types of medicine 1825 01:35:59,045 --> 01:36:00,629 until they found one that worked. 1826 01:36:00,630 --> 01:36:04,300 And now he's gonna be just fine. He's gonna live a really, really long time. 1827 01:36:04,550 --> 01:36:06,552 I think my mommy loves him. 1828 01:36:07,720 --> 01:36:12,474 Well, you know, we all love him. He's made a lot of great movies. 1829 01:36:12,475 --> 01:36:17,271 - I think she loves him, like, loves him. - Love. Love, love, love. 1830 01:36:17,272 --> 01:36:21,066 (SINGING) Love, love, love They're gonna have a baby. 1831 01:36:21,067 --> 01:36:25,822 They're gonna have a baby Baby, marriage, love. 1832 01:36:26,698 --> 01:36:29,450 They're gonna have a little merman baby. 1833 01:36:34,330 --> 01:36:38,083 You saved my acting reel? I was wondering where this was. 1834 01:36:38,084 --> 01:36:40,919 - Why didn't you give this to me? - 'Cause I was watching it. 1835 01:36:40,920 --> 01:36:43,755 You know, I always get the feeling that you think I'm stupid or something. 1836 01:36:43,756 --> 01:36:46,049 LAURA: Look at my hair! I look like a leprechaun. 1837 01:36:46,050 --> 01:36:48,385 - No. - LAURA ON TV: I am stupid. 1838 01:36:48,386 --> 01:36:50,637 Ooh! Is my voice still that high? 1839 01:36:50,638 --> 01:36:54,016 No! No, no, no, no. No, but they need you back in Munchkinville. 1840 01:36:54,017 --> 01:36:56,978 - (LAUGHS) They miss the mayor. - LAURA: Shut up! 1841 01:36:57,395 --> 01:36:59,772 That was the best time in my life. 1842 01:37:00,231 --> 01:37:02,817 I got something else for you. You might remember these. 1843 01:37:03,693 --> 01:37:05,110 Please tell me you do! 1844 01:37:05,111 --> 01:37:06,112 (GASPS) 1845 01:37:06,696 --> 01:37:09,740 - Are these my favourite butt jeans? - Yes. Yes. Yes. 1846 01:37:09,741 --> 01:37:11,908 - Really? - Yeah, you can have them back. 1847 01:37:11,909 --> 01:37:13,285 - I'm so excited! - Yeah. 1848 01:37:13,286 --> 01:37:14,828 Do you think they still fit me? 1849 01:37:14,829 --> 01:37:17,122 - I guarantee it. - I'm so happy! 1850 01:37:17,123 --> 01:37:19,833 I guarantee it. Get in those. 1851 01:37:19,834 --> 01:37:21,669 - These used to kill me. - Oh, my God, they're so faded. 1852 01:37:22,128 --> 01:37:24,463 - Shit! - They fit! 1853 01:37:24,464 --> 01:37:25,964 - They look good! - Really? 1854 01:37:25,965 --> 01:37:27,591 Yeah, that's the same ass! 1855 01:37:27,592 --> 01:37:31,762 Fucking ass is perfect. Minus that camel coming out the back. 1856 01:37:31,763 --> 01:37:33,972 (SINGING) Bump and groove it. 1857 01:37:33,973 --> 01:37:36,850 To the left now To the right, y'all. 1858 01:37:36,851 --> 01:37:38,353 Slap that shit! 1859 01:37:38,561 --> 01:37:40,312 (BEATBOXING) 1860 01:37:40,313 --> 01:37:46,193 - Look at that! They're like Mom jeans. - Yes. If Mom needed to get banged again. 1861 01:37:46,194 --> 01:37:48,613 - Thank you. - Yeah, get over here. 1862 01:37:52,658 --> 01:37:55,161 Don't leave me. Don't leave me. 1863 01:37:58,122 --> 01:37:59,123 (DOOR CLOSES) 1864 01:38:00,666 --> 01:38:03,460 Oh! Hey, guys, what took you so long? 1865 01:38:03,461 --> 01:38:06,046 We were checking out the town, man. Beautiful! 1866 01:38:06,047 --> 01:38:07,297 Where are the groceries? 1867 01:38:07,298 --> 01:38:10,343 We decided that eating in might be more fun. 1868 01:38:10,968 --> 01:38:14,847 (SOFTLY) Oh, no, you didn't. How could you do that, man? No. 1869 01:38:15,348 --> 01:38:18,935 - I didn't do anything, Ira. - No, I know you did it. I know you did. 1870 01:38:19,102 --> 01:38:21,561 All that's missing is your Popsicle. Come on. 1871 01:38:21,562 --> 01:38:24,815 Ira, are you cranky right now? Do you need food in your belly? 1872 01:38:24,816 --> 01:38:26,818 - No. - Come on, we're gonna order in a pizza. 1873 01:38:28,111 --> 01:38:31,321 (CARTOONISHLY) Of course, Mr... Peters. 1874 01:38:31,322 --> 01:38:32,781 I'll be at the... 1875 01:38:32,782 --> 01:38:34,575 (COUGHS) Lunch meeting. 1876 01:38:35,952 --> 01:38:38,370 You're serving seafood? 1877 01:38:38,371 --> 01:38:40,081 (WHIMPERING) 1878 01:38:40,873 --> 01:38:42,750 I love seafood! 1879 01:38:43,418 --> 01:38:45,169 Okay, see you there! 1880 01:38:47,296 --> 01:38:48,922 - Pizza's here! - Yeah. 1881 01:38:48,923 --> 01:38:50,424 - I'll be right back. - Yes. 1882 01:38:50,425 --> 01:38:52,217 I'm the pizza monster! 1883 01:38:52,218 --> 01:38:53,594 (EXCLAIMING) 1884 01:38:56,013 --> 01:38:57,515 Hi, honey! 1885 01:38:58,307 --> 01:38:59,766 - Clarke. - Hi, sweetie. 1886 01:38:59,767 --> 01:39:03,895 - Hi. What are you doing here? - Decided to surprise you. 1887 01:39:03,896 --> 01:39:06,731 The guy I was meant to have the meeting with had a heart attack 1888 01:39:06,732 --> 01:39:08,108 while I was waiting in reception for him. 1889 01:39:08,109 --> 01:39:09,651 - It was unbelievable. - Wow. 1890 01:39:09,652 --> 01:39:12,613 Next minute, this Chinese George Clooney guy comes running past with, like, the... 1891 01:39:13,197 --> 01:39:14,573 What's it called? A defibrillator? 1892 01:39:14,574 --> 01:39:15,825 - Starts zapping him. - Right. Yeah, I've seen it. 1893 01:39:15,992 --> 01:39:18,410 It was like an episode of ER, but with Chinamen. 1894 01:39:18,411 --> 01:39:20,413 I missed you. 1895 01:39:25,501 --> 01:39:28,086 - I know you. - Yes. 1896 01:39:28,087 --> 01:39:29,254 (CLEARS THROAT) 1897 01:39:29,255 --> 01:39:30,465 How you doing? 1898 01:39:31,007 --> 01:39:32,424 This is George Simmons. 1899 01:39:32,425 --> 01:39:35,011 - He had a big comedy concert last night. - Oh, okay. 1900 01:39:35,261 --> 01:39:38,055 And so, I asked him to pop by and come visit. 1901 01:39:39,348 --> 01:39:42,435 - Hope that's good. I... - I love the stand-up comedy. 1902 01:39:42,768 --> 01:39:44,478 - Yeah, yeah. - How'd it go? 1903 01:39:44,479 --> 01:39:48,773 They didn't... They didn't boo me off the stage, so that was a plus. 1904 01:39:48,774 --> 01:39:52,068 Yeah, they're a bunch of bloody cheese eaters up here. 1905 01:39:52,069 --> 01:39:53,904 Yeah. No, they were very nice. Yeah. 1906 01:39:53,905 --> 01:39:56,490 You have a... You have a very nice family, man, 1907 01:39:56,491 --> 01:39:59,618 - and a great, great home. - Thank you. 1908 01:39:59,619 --> 01:40:02,746 Well, it's good to have you home. The kids are dying to see you if... 1909 01:40:02,747 --> 01:40:06,833 - Ira's hungry for... - G'day. Clarke. 1910 01:40:06,834 --> 01:40:08,585 Good day, I'm Ira. 1911 01:40:08,586 --> 01:40:10,253 - Your husband's here. - LAURA: Yeah. Yep. 1912 01:40:10,254 --> 01:40:13,840 Ira is George's opening act. He's really funny. 1913 01:40:13,841 --> 01:40:15,635 Really? He looks funny! 1914 01:40:16,636 --> 01:40:19,262 - Thank you. - How'd you go last night? 1915 01:40:19,263 --> 01:40:21,890 You know, they didn't boo me off or anything, so... 1916 01:40:21,891 --> 01:40:23,308 (SOFTLY) I just said that one. 1917 01:40:23,309 --> 01:40:25,227 - It was great. - Yeah. 1918 01:40:25,228 --> 01:40:27,521 They just popped by, I gave them a tour of the house. 1919 01:40:27,522 --> 01:40:29,314 We were gonna have dinner, but it's not... 1920 01:40:29,315 --> 01:40:31,483 It's probably better that we do family dinner 1921 01:40:31,484 --> 01:40:33,902 - since you're only in town a few days. - No, stay. That's a great idea. 1922 01:40:33,903 --> 01:40:36,322 - The more the merrier. - Okay. Let's do that. 1923 01:40:36,656 --> 01:40:38,240 - Thank you. - LAURA: Great. 1924 01:40:38,241 --> 01:40:39,407 I'm gonna go say hi to the kids. 1925 01:40:39,408 --> 01:40:40,909 - Okay. - Okay. 1926 01:40:40,910 --> 01:40:42,452 (LAUGHS) That's hilarious. 1927 01:40:42,453 --> 01:40:44,788 You can't tell him that you're better, okay? 1928 01:40:44,789 --> 01:40:47,123 He'll know that something happened between us. 1929 01:40:47,124 --> 01:40:48,291 - I won't. - Okay? 1930 01:40:48,292 --> 01:40:50,710 'Cause I've been married for 12 years now and I have kids. 1931 01:40:50,711 --> 01:40:53,213 And I can't just throw it away this second, okay? 1932 01:40:53,214 --> 01:40:57,592 Hey, we'll be fine. I'm a good actor. You're a great actress. 1933 01:40:57,593 --> 01:41:00,679 Right. He hated you until he found out that you were sick. 1934 01:41:00,680 --> 01:41:04,517 And if he knows that you were here and that you're feeling better, he's gonna know. 1935 01:41:04,684 --> 01:41:07,352 - So, don't say anything. - Okay, yeah, yeah. 1936 01:41:07,353 --> 01:41:09,105 Of course. Sure. I'll do that. 1937 01:41:09,730 --> 01:41:12,148 People never thought China would do that much business with the US, 1938 01:41:12,149 --> 01:41:14,818 but I never saw it as a big deal. You look at it like this. 1939 01:41:14,819 --> 01:41:17,571 You've got a billion people. We make all kinds of cool shit. 1940 01:41:17,572 --> 01:41:19,864 They find out about the cool shit, like, on the Internet and stuff. 1941 01:41:19,865 --> 01:41:22,826 - And they're gonna want the cool shit. - Cool shit's universal. 1942 01:41:22,827 --> 01:41:25,161 China's been good, but I'm trying to get into North Korea now. 1943 01:41:25,162 --> 01:41:26,788 That's the next... That's, like, the next frontier. 1944 01:41:26,789 --> 01:41:28,623 - Wow. Wow. North Korea? - North Korea. 1945 01:41:28,624 --> 01:41:31,167 Those people would blow you for a Wii Fit. 1946 01:41:31,168 --> 01:41:34,337 - GEORGE: There you go. - This is really good pizza. 1947 01:41:34,338 --> 01:41:36,214 You know, they say, like, New York has the best pizza 1948 01:41:36,215 --> 01:41:38,174 and I always thought pizza in LA was only okay, 1949 01:41:38,175 --> 01:41:39,342 but who would have thought, you know, 1950 01:41:39,343 --> 01:41:43,931 Marin County is where they were really hiding the good pizza pies. 1951 01:41:45,850 --> 01:41:47,643 (IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN) 1952 01:41:49,895 --> 01:41:51,896 Clarke speaks fluent Chinese. 1953 01:41:51,897 --> 01:41:54,899 Really? Do you speak Cantonese or Mandarin? 1954 01:41:54,900 --> 01:41:59,029 - Oh, well played, Ira. Mandarin. - Well gayed, Ira. 1955 01:41:59,030 --> 01:42:01,490 It's a bloody hard language, though, George. Jesus. 1956 01:42:02,158 --> 01:42:03,533 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 1957 01:42:03,534 --> 01:42:05,369 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 1958 01:42:07,663 --> 01:42:09,456 (BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN) 1959 01:42:09,457 --> 01:42:10,791 (REPEATING) 1960 01:42:18,799 --> 01:42:20,635 That was like a scene from Deer Hunter. 1961 01:42:21,552 --> 01:42:23,596 (BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE) 1962 01:42:23,929 --> 01:42:26,182 Girls, you can go and watch TV. 1963 01:42:26,849 --> 01:42:29,477 Go on. Whatever you want to watch. 1964 01:42:30,603 --> 01:42:33,772 So, George, how's the fight going, mate? 1965 01:42:33,773 --> 01:42:35,940 - How is it? - Clarke. 1966 01:42:35,941 --> 01:42:39,444 This is not something that he wants to talk about right now. 1967 01:42:39,445 --> 01:42:42,947 He has to think about it every day of his life. 1968 01:42:42,948 --> 01:42:45,867 And he's taking a break from it right now. 1969 01:42:45,868 --> 01:42:52,749 (CRYING) It's such a shame that somebody who has brought so much joy 1970 01:42:52,750 --> 01:42:55,419 to so many people has to go through this. 1971 01:42:56,379 --> 01:43:00,423 - Shit. Shit. - I'm sorry, mate. 1972 01:43:00,424 --> 01:43:04,552 Laura. Laura. We don't need to speak in code. 1973 01:43:04,553 --> 01:43:06,805 I'm sick. I think about it all the time. 1974 01:43:06,806 --> 01:43:10,725 CLARKE: Mate, I don't know how you do it. I would be crying in my panties if I was you. 1975 01:43:10,726 --> 01:43:12,852 I worship guys like you, that attitude. 1976 01:43:12,853 --> 01:43:14,437 Have you considered Eastern medicine? 1977 01:43:14,438 --> 01:43:17,357 Well, I don't know if this is considered Eastern medicine, 1978 01:43:17,358 --> 01:43:19,567 but I've been eating a lot of rhino cock. 1979 01:43:19,568 --> 01:43:23,488 If Clarke thinks it's the right thing to do, let me chew some. 1980 01:43:23,489 --> 01:43:25,573 For the last time, stop calling me Rhino. 1981 01:43:25,574 --> 01:43:27,034 (ALL LAUGHING) 1982 01:43:28,577 --> 01:43:30,495 George Simmons in my house! 1983 01:43:30,496 --> 01:43:34,542 Clarke took an herb once, and he had heart palpitations and diarrhoea. 1984 01:43:34,709 --> 01:43:37,752 No, it's true. I shit myself, mate, and I had a boner at the same time. 1985 01:43:37,753 --> 01:43:39,088 (LAUGHING) 1986 01:43:40,256 --> 01:43:44,384 I want to take an herb that makes me as good-looking as you. Jesus Christ! 1987 01:43:44,385 --> 01:43:46,678 If I were you I'd be at home all day fucking myself. 1988 01:43:46,679 --> 01:43:47,846 CLARKE: That's what I do! 1989 01:43:47,847 --> 01:43:49,514 (GEORGE LAUGHING) 1990 01:43:49,515 --> 01:43:51,726 All right! All right! We're cooking. 1991 01:43:52,143 --> 01:43:53,686 - He's really funny. - Mmm-hmm. 1992 01:43:53,936 --> 01:43:57,147 I don't know why his movies aren't funny, though. That's weird, isn't it? 1993 01:43:57,148 --> 01:43:58,857 He should put some of that on the silver screen. 1994 01:43:58,858 --> 01:44:00,191 So, just one drink, okay? 1995 01:44:00,192 --> 01:44:02,861 This isn't someone I want to spend a lot of time with. 1996 01:44:02,862 --> 01:44:06,614 This? This is the Australian me? I'm so much better than this fucking idiot. 1997 01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:07,949 He seems like the nicest guy, ever. 1998 01:44:07,950 --> 01:44:09,868 He's trying to cure you with herbs for God's sakes. 1999 01:44:09,869 --> 01:44:12,036 I can't leave her alone here. I have to save her. 2000 01:44:12,037 --> 01:44:14,164 Save her from her beautiful house and lovely husband 2001 01:44:14,165 --> 01:44:17,041 - and delightful kids? - Her husband's a skipping, cheating psycho. 2002 01:44:17,042 --> 01:44:18,710 You said nothing was going on between you two. 2003 01:44:18,711 --> 01:44:20,670 The dog could tell that you banged her. 2004 01:44:20,671 --> 01:44:22,005 And I'm getting nauseous and sweaty. I can't... 2005 01:44:22,006 --> 01:44:25,050 Get away from me! Get away from me! Go play with the kids. 2006 01:44:25,968 --> 01:44:27,218 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING ON TV) 2007 01:44:27,219 --> 01:44:29,971 WOMAN: Tim, are you asking me out on a date? 2008 01:44:29,972 --> 01:44:31,514 Would you like it to be a date? 2009 01:44:31,515 --> 01:44:33,391 Hey, bro, so your doctor called 2010 01:44:33,392 --> 01:44:36,770 and he said it is contagious, but only when inflamed, so you're cool. 2011 01:44:36,771 --> 01:44:37,896 (SCOFFS) 2012 01:44:37,897 --> 01:44:39,439 Also, I was trying to do the laundry, 2013 01:44:39,440 --> 01:44:41,900 but I think I need to get some industrial-strength detergent. 2014 01:44:41,901 --> 01:44:44,402 What's up with all the skid marks, Dale Earnhardt, Jr? 2015 01:44:44,403 --> 01:44:47,113 Wow, I think I have a class. 2016 01:44:47,114 --> 01:44:48,531 You guys like this show? 2017 01:44:48,532 --> 01:44:49,741 - No! - No! 2018 01:44:49,742 --> 01:44:52,953 - It's the worst show, ever. - Good. 2019 01:44:53,704 --> 01:44:55,747 Here you go. We're finished with the French shit. 2020 01:44:55,748 --> 01:44:58,959 - We're into española! - All right. 2021 01:44:59,794 --> 01:45:01,586 China, man. Wow. 2022 01:45:01,587 --> 01:45:04,422 And you guys never see each other, huh? That must be rough. 2023 01:45:04,423 --> 01:45:08,968 - Right? Rough on the kids. - It's not ideal, but the kids like to eat, so... 2024 01:45:08,969 --> 01:45:10,137 (LAUGHS) 2025 01:45:10,596 --> 01:45:13,640 You ever see this girl act before? She was quite the actress. 2026 01:45:13,641 --> 01:45:15,600 Well, she's very good at pretending she still loves me, 2027 01:45:15,601 --> 01:45:18,854 - so she's pretty good then, isn't she? - (CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am. 2028 01:45:20,022 --> 01:45:23,107 Can't say I watched much of that Melrose Place stuff, though. 2029 01:45:23,108 --> 01:45:24,901 Although I did see the Party of Five episode you were in. 2030 01:45:24,902 --> 01:45:26,821 It wasn't really for me, you know. 2031 01:45:27,029 --> 01:45:32,158 Well, it was down to me and Cameron Diaz for the lead part in The Mask. 2032 01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:36,454 Cameron Diaz! That's my girl. She's a bloody top actress, isn't she? 2033 01:45:36,455 --> 01:45:39,166 Hey, what was that film she was in with the bloody spuff in her hair? 2034 01:45:39,333 --> 01:45:40,500 Something About Mary! 2035 01:45:40,501 --> 01:45:41,502 (EXCLAIMING) 2036 01:45:41,669 --> 01:45:46,465 I love that movie! She's so funny! Just about shit my panties in that one. 2037 01:45:46,674 --> 01:45:51,594 No, no, no, there's not too many girls that are this beautiful and sexy and funny and... 2038 01:45:51,595 --> 01:45:52,971 She had the whole deal. 2039 01:45:52,972 --> 01:45:58,352 Yes, but Cameron Diaz, fuck! I mean, come on. 2040 01:45:59,562 --> 01:46:00,728 See, if you had've done that movie, 2041 01:46:00,729 --> 01:46:02,105 you could have had the bloody spuff in your hair. 2042 01:46:02,106 --> 01:46:03,273 Look out. 2043 01:46:03,274 --> 01:46:04,524 CLARKE: What are you giving me the evil eyes for? 2044 01:46:04,525 --> 01:46:05,733 You're such a dick sometimes. 2045 01:46:05,734 --> 01:46:08,027 - I'm not... Why? - Because. 2046 01:46:08,028 --> 01:46:10,989 CLARKE: I'm just saying you had your crack, you had your go at it. 2047 01:46:10,990 --> 01:46:14,284 - I feel like I didn't reach my potential that... - Oh, please! 2048 01:46:14,285 --> 01:46:16,578 - Oh, please, what? - I didn't reach my potential, either! 2049 01:46:16,579 --> 01:46:19,080 - I could have been playing footie! - You weren't that good 2050 01:46:19,081 --> 01:46:20,331 - at playing footie. - I was. 2051 01:46:20,332 --> 01:46:21,333 LAURA: You weren't. 2052 01:46:22,293 --> 01:46:25,795 You should thank me, George. I took a bullet here for you. 2053 01:46:25,796 --> 01:46:28,840 All right, on that note, I'm gonna head back to Los Angeles. 2054 01:46:28,841 --> 01:46:31,009 - No, come on, stay. - No, it's fine. I'll split. 2055 01:46:31,010 --> 01:46:32,135 - It's early. - I've been here too long. 2056 01:46:32,136 --> 01:46:33,428 - Schmira! - We just started a bottle. 2057 01:46:33,429 --> 01:46:36,389 Nah, nah, nah. You guys have been the best. Schmira! 2058 01:46:36,390 --> 01:46:39,058 Thank you so much for having us, guys. Oh! 2059 01:46:39,059 --> 01:46:40,894 - Shoot. - CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out. 2060 01:46:40,895 --> 01:46:42,813 - God, I'm sorry, guys. - CLARKE: Someone's had too much to drink. 2061 01:46:43,022 --> 01:46:46,025 Oh, man, no. No, I just kicked your pot by accident, that's all. I... 2062 01:46:46,358 --> 01:46:48,359 - Hold it together there, Schmira. - I'm just a... Oh, God. 2063 01:46:48,360 --> 01:46:50,695 - It's okay. - You're staying here. You're not driving. 2064 01:46:50,696 --> 01:46:53,406 No way. We got a guest house, two spare beds. Done. 2065 01:46:53,407 --> 01:46:55,074 - You two, plenty of room to stay. - No, no. Ira can drive. 2066 01:46:55,075 --> 01:46:58,453 - He... You're fine to drive, right, Ira? - I am. I just kicked your begonias, that's all. 2067 01:46:58,454 --> 01:47:01,581 No way! I'm not having America's favourite funnyman dead on the side of the road 2068 01:47:01,582 --> 01:47:03,249 'cause Schmira here's had too much to drink. 2069 01:47:03,250 --> 01:47:06,503 - George, you can drive, right? - Bullshit! You're staying here. 2070 01:47:06,670 --> 01:47:10,340 Plus, there's a game of Aussie-rules footie on the dish tonight. 2071 01:47:10,341 --> 01:47:14,093 Semi-final. Saints versus Maggies. Not that American shit. I want you to see it. 2072 01:47:14,094 --> 01:47:17,221 One condition. You Aussie pussies got any beer around here? 2073 01:47:17,222 --> 01:47:18,640 Yes, it's on... 2074 01:47:18,641 --> 01:47:19,933 (WHOOPS) 2075 01:47:19,934 --> 01:47:20,935 Yes! 2076 01:47:21,810 --> 01:47:23,937 Yeah, it doesn't matter if you're a small fucker or a big fucker, 2077 01:47:23,938 --> 01:47:26,230 you can play this game because the small fuckers go in barrelling 2078 01:47:26,231 --> 01:47:28,149 and they can get the ball over and the boys are scrambling. 2079 01:47:28,150 --> 01:47:31,569 Now watch. The little fuckers down there go. There they are. Big fuckers smack them. 2080 01:47:31,570 --> 01:47:34,113 Little fucker. Little fucker. Off to a big fucker. 2081 01:47:34,114 --> 01:47:37,825 Now he's gonna go down to another big fucker. I hate that big fucker. 2082 01:47:37,826 --> 01:47:38,993 Where are the black guys? 2083 01:47:38,994 --> 01:47:40,411 CLARKE: This is... There's a couple out there. 2084 01:47:40,412 --> 01:47:41,913 - I hate this team. - Oh, yeah? 2085 01:47:41,914 --> 01:47:43,498 Magpies. Hate the Maggies! 2086 01:47:43,499 --> 01:47:47,419 They're like... I don't know what the equivalent in the NFL... 2087 01:47:47,586 --> 01:47:52,131 No helmets. No fucking helmets 'cause they're real men. See? 2088 01:47:52,132 --> 01:47:55,594 Love you. Just explaining the game to them. They're loving it! 2089 01:48:00,683 --> 01:48:02,101 (MOUTHING) Good night. 2090 01:48:03,602 --> 01:48:07,271 - Yeah, we gotta get going, you know. - Are you sure you can't stay? 2091 01:48:07,272 --> 01:48:08,940 We can't stay. We can't stay. 2092 01:48:08,941 --> 01:48:12,026 Yeah, it's my... It's my grandmother's 85th birthday. 2093 01:48:12,027 --> 01:48:14,112 - We got family coming in from all over. - GEORGE: That's right. 2094 01:48:14,113 --> 01:48:16,781 She just had a stroke. In her leg. 2095 01:48:16,782 --> 01:48:19,450 - So, you know, we gotta get back. - Yeah. 2096 01:48:19,451 --> 01:48:22,204 - That's too bad you guys can't stay. - It is too bad. 2097 01:48:22,413 --> 01:48:24,872 Well, I wish I could say I was gonna see you again, George, 2098 01:48:24,873 --> 01:48:26,916 but I can't really say that, can I? 2099 01:48:26,917 --> 01:48:29,293 Yeah, yeah, I guess you can't. 2100 01:48:29,294 --> 01:48:32,797 - You don't have to do that, honey. - No, I do have to do this, honey. I do. 2101 01:48:32,798 --> 01:48:34,007 You know what, mate? 2102 01:48:34,008 --> 01:48:37,468 If there's one thing I've learnt from my Buddhist friends, the Chinese, 2103 01:48:37,469 --> 01:48:41,097 is to keep an open heart and to speak the truth. 2104 01:48:41,098 --> 01:48:44,977 So, what I want to say to you, George, is thank you. 2105 01:48:45,978 --> 01:48:49,815 Thank you for playing such a big role in my wife's life. 2106 01:48:51,400 --> 01:48:53,484 It's been great getting to know you. 2107 01:48:53,485 --> 01:48:58,489 And I wish you a peaceful journey from here on in and over to the other side. 2108 01:48:58,490 --> 01:49:02,202 - Come here, mate. - Okay, we're gonna do this. 2109 01:49:03,579 --> 01:49:05,788 Thank you. Thank you for everything. 2110 01:49:05,789 --> 01:49:08,082 - All right. - Thank you. 2111 01:49:08,083 --> 01:49:10,418 All right, I appreciate your having us. 2112 01:49:10,419 --> 01:49:13,755 Don't worry, Daddy. He's not sick any more. 2113 01:49:13,756 --> 01:49:16,340 - Ira told us. - I didn't say that. 2114 01:49:16,341 --> 01:49:17,467 - Yes, you did. - Yeah, you did. 2115 01:49:17,468 --> 01:49:19,469 - When we were colouring. - IRA: No. 2116 01:49:19,470 --> 01:49:20,595 - Yeah. - Yeah. 2117 01:49:20,596 --> 01:49:21,721 IRA: That's not true, girls. 2118 01:49:21,722 --> 01:49:23,181 - No, that's not true. - IRA: I did not say that. 2119 01:49:23,182 --> 01:49:25,892 - I don't know what they're talking about. - Liar. 2120 01:49:25,893 --> 01:49:27,852 Liar, liar, pants on fire. 2121 01:49:27,853 --> 01:49:30,229 They were freaking out. They were worried about George. 2122 01:49:30,230 --> 01:49:32,440 I just said it so they wouldn't be scared. It was just... 2123 01:49:32,441 --> 01:49:33,941 Kids, go inside. 2124 01:49:33,942 --> 01:49:35,860 - Can we watch Borat? - Yeah, you can. 2125 01:49:35,861 --> 01:49:37,528 - INGRID: I don't wanna watch Borat. - Yes, you... Come on. 2126 01:49:37,529 --> 01:49:38,906 See you guys. 2127 01:49:40,199 --> 01:49:43,367 What is going on around here? Is that true? 2128 01:49:43,368 --> 01:49:45,703 I never said that he was feeling better. 2129 01:49:45,704 --> 01:49:48,289 He just took some medicine and it's looking good for him 2130 01:49:48,290 --> 01:49:52,376 because they can't detect it in his blood, but that doesn't mean that he's better. 2131 01:49:52,377 --> 01:49:53,920 These things are very tricky 2132 01:49:53,921 --> 01:49:57,173 and he didn't want to tell anybody because he didn't want to jinx it! 2133 01:49:57,174 --> 01:49:58,633 Is that true that you didn't want to jinx it? 2134 01:49:58,634 --> 01:50:01,886 Yeah. No, no, no, I... Yeah, I'm very superstitious. 2135 01:50:01,887 --> 01:50:03,513 You're a terrible liar. 2136 01:50:03,514 --> 01:50:08,518 (IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) No, nothing's going on around here! 2137 01:50:08,519 --> 01:50:11,062 It's completely innocent. 2138 01:50:11,063 --> 01:50:12,563 - I left me ring... - What accent is that? 2139 01:50:12,564 --> 01:50:14,525 - ...on the side table. - Jamaican? 2140 01:50:14,817 --> 01:50:16,944 Don't mock me. I don't appreciate it. 2141 01:50:17,444 --> 01:50:19,737 Lots of people go to massage parlours. 2142 01:50:19,738 --> 01:50:22,448 That doesn't mean I was getting a rub-and-tug. 2143 01:50:22,449 --> 01:50:27,830 Those hairs on me jacket must've fallen off the waiter's pussy. 2144 01:50:28,330 --> 01:50:30,081 What the hell has gotten into you? 2145 01:50:30,082 --> 01:50:34,085 - I was at a footie game! - Are you taking the piss out of me? 2146 01:50:34,086 --> 01:50:38,799 I would never lie to you, mate. Oi? 2147 01:50:39,842 --> 01:50:43,345 I'm not playing this game with you. This is stupid. What a stupid game! 2148 01:50:44,221 --> 01:50:46,974 Clarke, let's tell each other the truth. 2149 01:50:47,933 --> 01:50:50,268 - Just come clean with me. - There's nothing to tell. 2150 01:50:50,269 --> 01:50:52,436 - There's nothing to tell? - There's nothing to tell. 2151 01:50:52,437 --> 01:50:56,274 You will never tell me the truth. That is a pussy move! 2152 01:50:56,275 --> 01:50:57,859 You know what? I'm not doing this. 2153 01:50:57,860 --> 01:51:01,154 I'm not being put on a cross for something I didn't even do! 2154 01:51:01,155 --> 01:51:03,699 - Enjoy each other! - Go fuck your whores! 2155 01:51:04,408 --> 01:51:06,869 "Go fuck your whores"? 2156 01:51:14,710 --> 01:51:18,921 So, it's good that he left, and this is a huge relief for me. 2157 01:51:18,922 --> 01:51:21,048 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 2158 01:51:21,049 --> 01:51:25,720 I don't need to be in a marriage that is like that, so I'm fine. 2159 01:51:25,721 --> 01:51:29,140 I'm not worried about that. I just want you to be okay. 2160 01:51:29,141 --> 01:51:31,475 - I would be scared if I was you right now. - Are you kidding me? 2161 01:51:31,476 --> 01:51:34,228 - This is what needed to happen. - I would run away. 2162 01:51:34,229 --> 01:51:36,314 - No, I'm staying here. - Are you gonna run away? 2163 01:51:36,315 --> 01:51:39,150 Where am I running to? Only if you come with me. 2164 01:51:39,151 --> 01:51:42,862 - I really need you around right now. - Yeah. Yeah. 2165 01:51:42,863 --> 01:51:45,448 - Can you stay till Monday? - Absolutely. 2166 01:51:45,449 --> 01:51:47,950 Can't we just go and, like, come back later, you know? 2167 01:51:47,951 --> 01:51:51,746 I mean, if this is meant to be, it'll be. We don't have to be here right this second. 2168 01:51:51,747 --> 01:51:54,498 - Can't we just go? - Man, I don't... l see... 2169 01:51:54,499 --> 01:51:57,753 Jesus Christ, every instinct in my body is telling me to leave here, too. 2170 01:51:58,128 --> 01:52:00,713 - Good. - But that's what led me to this shitty life. 2171 01:52:00,714 --> 01:52:05,176 I gotta stay here. I gotta do the right thing. I love her. 2172 01:52:05,177 --> 01:52:09,805 Right now, her husband is gonna come back and murder us, man! 2173 01:52:09,806 --> 01:52:13,392 - Did you see his arms? They look like legs! - Shut up. Don't be an idiot. 2174 01:52:13,393 --> 01:52:18,064 I'm not being an... Imagine that you are a gigantic Australian man 2175 01:52:18,065 --> 01:52:20,942 and someone came into your home and fucked your wife. 2176 01:52:20,943 --> 01:52:23,904 You would murder him and then you would make a hat out of his skin 2177 01:52:24,071 --> 01:52:25,906 'cause that's what Australians do. Let's go! 2178 01:52:26,156 --> 01:52:29,033 Ira, this is deep shit. People get divorced. 2179 01:52:29,034 --> 01:52:32,537 They make mistakes, they change their lives. 2180 01:52:33,789 --> 01:52:37,375 It's not that big of a deal. She's married to an asshole. 2181 01:52:37,376 --> 01:52:39,418 She seems like a crazy actress, man. 2182 01:52:39,419 --> 01:52:42,672 I don't know what to tell you, man. Am I not allowed to be happy or something? 2183 01:52:42,673 --> 01:52:46,092 I've been living alone and alone and alone. That's my life. 2184 01:52:46,093 --> 01:52:49,179 This is the only girl I've ever loved and I'm not supposed to do anything about this? 2185 01:52:50,013 --> 01:52:54,350 When am I supposed to be happy? Why does everyone else get to be happy? 2186 01:52:54,351 --> 01:52:57,229 Look, George, I'm just gonna tell you this, as a friend. 2187 01:52:58,021 --> 01:53:00,815 From where I'm sitting it seems like your happiness 2188 01:53:00,816 --> 01:53:03,652 might be coming at the cost of destroying this family. 2189 01:53:04,653 --> 01:53:09,699 Okay, let me respond to that, as your friend, and let you know you're not my friend. 2190 01:53:09,700 --> 01:53:11,742 You fucking work for me! 2191 01:53:11,743 --> 01:53:16,289 I didn't ask for your advice! You're overstepping your boundaries, man! 2192 01:53:16,290 --> 01:53:18,582 Now go get me a fucking Diet Coke! 2193 01:53:18,583 --> 01:53:21,294 And remind yourself that's what you do for me! 2194 01:53:21,295 --> 01:53:23,630 - Now get the fuck out of here! - Fine. 2195 01:53:24,589 --> 01:53:27,633 Don't fucking leave! Sit down here! I don't want to be alone. 2196 01:53:27,634 --> 01:53:29,344 Okay, fine. 2197 01:53:31,930 --> 01:53:34,558 - (OVER PHONE) This is Mark. - Hey, Mark, it's Ira. How's it going, man? 2198 01:53:35,017 --> 01:53:38,019 Not too good. I didn't get the part in the Tobey Maguire movie. 2199 01:53:38,020 --> 01:53:40,438 That doesn't matter. I have a problem. I need help, okay? 2200 01:53:40,439 --> 01:53:41,647 Where have you been? 2201 01:53:41,648 --> 01:53:44,860 I'm in Marin County. Northern California. 2202 01:53:45,193 --> 01:53:47,486 (SIGHS) Listen, I... I have to tell you something. 2203 01:53:47,487 --> 01:53:49,238 Are you sitting down? 2204 01:53:49,239 --> 01:53:50,240 - Yeah. - Okay. 2205 01:53:51,241 --> 01:53:53,826 The other night I went out to drinks with the producers of my show 2206 01:53:53,827 --> 01:53:55,661 and Leo met up with us. 2207 01:53:55,662 --> 01:53:57,955 And they were enamoured by him and they thought he was really funny. 2208 01:53:57,956 --> 01:54:00,875 And they offered him a part on Yo Teach...! and he took it. 2209 01:54:00,876 --> 01:54:03,419 I saw the episode. I know that that happened. 2210 01:54:03,420 --> 01:54:04,670 - You watched it? - I watched it. 2211 01:54:04,671 --> 01:54:05,672 Did you love it? 2212 01:54:06,381 --> 01:54:08,341 - Yeah. - He was great, right? 2213 01:54:08,342 --> 01:54:10,343 It was fine! I have no problem with Leo, okay? 2214 01:54:10,344 --> 01:54:13,971 Tell Leo, if he's got a problem, to stop being a baby and to just get over it! 2215 01:54:13,972 --> 01:54:15,097 Why don't you tell Leo yourself? 2216 01:54:15,098 --> 01:54:17,100 'Cause Leo's been surveilling this whole conversation. 2217 01:54:17,434 --> 01:54:18,601 - You dick. - LEO: Fucking asshole. 2218 01:54:18,602 --> 01:54:20,519 - MARK: Leo, get off the phone! - Screw you, Leo. Screw you. 2219 01:54:20,520 --> 01:54:21,979 Hey, man what have you been up to? 2220 01:54:21,980 --> 01:54:23,356 Sucking George Simmons' balls? 2221 01:54:23,357 --> 01:54:25,733 That's cool. I've been on Yo Teach...! living it up. 2222 01:54:25,734 --> 01:54:27,360 I'm sorry, Leo. Yo Teach...! sucks. 2223 01:54:27,361 --> 01:54:29,571 LEO: Go lose some more weight, Ira! You look fucking weird skinny! 2224 01:54:30,113 --> 01:54:31,572 MARK: Leo, calm down! 2225 01:54:31,573 --> 01:54:33,949 You know what, Ira? I want to put my eyeglasses on your asshole 2226 01:54:33,950 --> 01:54:36,869 so it looks like you're blowing me when I'm fucking you in the ass, you jerk! 2227 01:54:36,870 --> 01:54:40,373 IRA: That doesn't even make sense! You're gonna put glasses on my ass? What? 2228 01:54:40,374 --> 01:54:44,377 Ira, we will find something for you to do on the show, okay? 2229 01:54:44,378 --> 01:54:47,254 - Teach can have more than one friend. - Can we talk about this later? 2230 01:54:47,255 --> 01:54:50,174 I am in a serious problem. I just need some advice, okay? Please? 2231 01:54:50,175 --> 01:54:53,761 Just listen to me for two minutes and tell me what I should do right now, okay? 2232 01:54:53,762 --> 01:54:54,970 Will you do that? 2233 01:54:54,971 --> 01:54:57,641 All right. If it's serious, I'm sorry. I will listen. 2234 01:54:58,100 --> 01:54:59,225 (SIGHS) 2235 01:54:59,226 --> 01:55:01,227 Okay. Here's what's happening. 2236 01:55:01,228 --> 01:55:05,231 I'm witnessing a slow-moving train wreck, but if I do something, I will lose my job. 2237 01:55:05,232 --> 01:55:07,650 - Are you serious? - So, what I don't know, is... 2238 01:55:07,651 --> 01:55:08,776 (DISCONNECTS) 2239 01:55:08,777 --> 01:55:10,361 Screw you. 2240 01:55:10,362 --> 01:55:11,363 (SIGHS) 2241 01:55:11,822 --> 01:55:13,781 - Higher! - Higher! 2242 01:55:13,782 --> 01:55:14,907 - I can't. I... I can't. - Yes, you can. 2243 01:55:14,908 --> 01:55:16,117 You, you have to go down a little bit then 2244 01:55:16,118 --> 01:55:17,326 - through the middle. - LAURA: Be careful. Don't let him fall on you. 2245 01:55:17,327 --> 01:55:18,412 Where do I put my hand? 2246 01:55:18,995 --> 01:55:23,999 I spoke to Clarke. He's gonna be at the airport tonight heading back to China. 2247 01:55:24,000 --> 01:55:26,836 I'm gonna go tell him that when he comes back 2248 01:55:26,837 --> 01:55:29,380 he should find another place to live. 2249 01:55:29,381 --> 01:55:30,714 Wait, wait, wait, wait. What... 2250 01:55:30,715 --> 01:55:33,926 - You... Yeah? Good. Good. - Yeah. 2251 01:55:33,927 --> 01:55:36,470 - You're gonna tell him? - I just don't want him coming back here. 2252 01:55:36,471 --> 01:55:37,847 - You don't need him. - No. 2253 01:55:37,848 --> 01:55:40,015 That'll just get you sick. 2254 01:55:40,016 --> 01:55:42,893 Good, you gotta tell him. So, when are you doing that? 2255 01:55:42,894 --> 01:55:44,061 - Tonight? - Yeah. 2256 01:55:44,062 --> 01:55:46,022 - Okay, okay, I'm coming down. - Jump! 2257 01:55:47,023 --> 01:55:48,190 I talked to a girlfriend of mine, 2258 01:55:48,191 --> 01:55:52,487 and she has somebody who could show us some houses down in Los Angeles. 2259 01:55:52,863 --> 01:55:54,196 And we'll get that whole thing going. 2260 01:55:54,197 --> 01:55:58,742 And then I was thinking about taking the kids out of school now, 2261 01:55:58,743 --> 01:56:01,954 but we should probably let them finish up because it's December. 2262 01:56:01,955 --> 01:56:05,458 - And I don't want to mess everything up. - They have to finish the whole year here. 2263 01:56:05,459 --> 01:56:06,959 - Yeah, that makes sense to me. - So, if we just go down 2264 01:56:06,960 --> 01:56:08,377 at the beginning of the summer, 2265 01:56:08,378 --> 01:56:09,795 - let them kind of transit. - I'm supposed to do 2266 01:56:09,796 --> 01:56:11,464 a little two-week tour this summer. 2267 01:56:11,465 --> 01:56:13,717 I'm supposed to do it, but I don't need to do it. 2268 01:56:13,884 --> 01:56:17,470 No pressure on you. Look at you! There's no pressure on you. 2269 01:56:17,471 --> 01:56:21,682 I need to work and I want to get my acting career going again. 2270 01:56:21,683 --> 01:56:23,517 - Good. - Yeah. 2271 01:56:23,518 --> 01:56:26,062 She's whupping you, Ingrid! Good job there, Lulu. 2272 01:56:27,355 --> 01:56:29,148 So, she's gonna go to the airport tonight 2273 01:56:29,149 --> 01:56:32,027 and tell Clarke that she wants him to find a new place and... 2274 01:56:33,320 --> 01:56:35,488 What do you think of that? 2275 01:56:35,489 --> 01:56:37,698 (SIGHS) I don't want to tell you what I think about that 2276 01:56:37,699 --> 01:56:39,325 'cause I don't want to get yelled at, George. 2277 01:56:39,326 --> 01:56:40,951 (SIGHS) Oh, God. 2278 01:56:40,952 --> 01:56:43,704 I'm just nervous about the kids and, like, who's gonna get them 2279 01:56:43,705 --> 01:56:47,666 and does he get one and Laura gets one, or am I gonna have both of them? 2280 01:56:47,667 --> 01:56:49,835 'Cause I love the little one, we kind of click. 2281 01:56:49,836 --> 01:56:53,672 But the older one is, like, you sense the period's coming soon. 2282 01:56:53,673 --> 01:56:56,550 - I think she would probably get the kids. - All right, yeah. 2283 01:56:56,551 --> 01:56:58,761 I don't think you can have two girls in China. 2284 01:56:58,762 --> 01:57:00,346 - What are you gonna do now? - Look at this crew. 2285 01:57:00,347 --> 01:57:01,680 Why so close? Really? 2286 01:57:01,681 --> 01:57:02,806 (EXCLAIMS) 2287 01:57:02,807 --> 01:57:04,558 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 2288 01:57:04,559 --> 01:57:06,310 - You okay, little girl? - You okay? 2289 01:57:06,311 --> 01:57:07,811 - Oh, man. - Are you okay? 2290 01:57:07,812 --> 01:57:10,648 - Okay. I'm gonna show you Mable singing... - Mom, you make everybody see... 2291 01:57:10,649 --> 01:57:12,776 No, Memory from Cats. Come on! It's... 2292 01:57:12,943 --> 01:57:14,693 No. I hate that you show it to everyone. 2293 01:57:14,694 --> 01:57:16,904 I'll just show them the end part. 2294 01:57:16,905 --> 01:57:18,197 (ALL LAUGHING) 2295 01:57:18,198 --> 01:57:20,658 I'll just show you the ending. Okay. 2296 01:57:20,659 --> 01:57:22,911 (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING) 2297 01:57:34,839 --> 01:57:40,845 (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days. 2298 01:57:41,721 --> 01:57:47,602 The stale cold smell of morning. 2299 01:57:49,020 --> 01:57:55,735 The streetlamp dies, another night is over. 2300 01:57:56,236 --> 01:58:01,408 Another day is dawning. 2301 01:58:03,827 --> 01:58:06,413 Touch me. 2302 01:58:06,580 --> 01:58:13,003 It's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory. 2303 01:58:13,712 --> 01:58:16,756 Of my days in the sun. 2304 01:58:18,133 --> 01:58:22,595 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is 2305 01:58:22,596 --> 01:58:24,472 (MOUTHING) 2306 01:58:25,807 --> 01:58:31,771 Look, a new day has begun 2307 01:58:34,190 --> 01:58:36,317 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2308 01:58:36,318 --> 01:58:38,194 (BOTH LAUGHING) 2309 01:58:39,654 --> 01:58:42,365 - That was unbelievable! - Isn't that good? 2310 01:58:44,034 --> 01:58:46,076 That was insane! 2311 01:58:46,077 --> 01:58:50,039 That was like just seeing a little person sing an old person's song. 2312 01:58:50,040 --> 01:58:51,833 That was hysterical! 2313 01:58:52,000 --> 01:58:55,919 I got a friend who takes... He takes a lot of acid. 2314 01:58:55,920 --> 01:58:58,506 If he saw that, he would shit himself! 2315 01:59:00,091 --> 01:59:01,467 That's not supposed to be funny. 2316 01:59:01,468 --> 01:59:04,803 I know, I know, I know. I'm... No, I think that's why it's funnier. 2317 01:59:04,804 --> 01:59:06,847 - It was so amazing. - Wasn't that good? 2318 01:59:06,848 --> 01:59:11,645 - I think I started crying a little bit. - Me, too. I cry every time I see that. 2319 01:59:13,730 --> 01:59:16,523 That shit was funny up there. 2320 01:59:16,524 --> 01:59:20,362 Okay. Wow, these guys are not gonna take no for an answer. 2321 01:59:21,196 --> 01:59:23,405 Yeah. They want me to do another baby movie. 2322 01:59:23,406 --> 01:59:26,158 They keep bumping up the gross on the DVDs. 2323 01:59:26,159 --> 01:59:28,662 I just... There's no way I'm doing it. 2324 01:59:35,460 --> 01:59:36,753 Okay. Bye. 2325 01:59:40,256 --> 01:59:41,965 (BOTH WHOOPING) 2326 01:59:41,966 --> 01:59:45,552 - Hey, George. - (EXHALES) Yeah. 2327 01:59:45,553 --> 01:59:48,681 I'm going to... I'm gonna go to the store and grab some cigarettes, okay? 2328 01:59:48,682 --> 01:59:49,890 I'll be back soon. 2329 01:59:49,891 --> 01:59:53,852 - What? What do you need cigarettes for? - 'Cause I'm addicted to them. 2330 01:59:53,853 --> 01:59:55,938 Why? 'Cause you look like the Fonz when you smoke? 2331 01:59:55,939 --> 01:59:58,732 I've always smoked. I just didn't do it in front of you 'cause you were sick. 2332 01:59:58,733 --> 02:00:00,359 And now that you're better... 2333 02:00:00,360 --> 02:00:03,070 Hurry up, though, man. I'm running out of gas with the kids here. 2334 02:00:03,071 --> 02:00:04,280 Okay. I'll hurry up. 2335 02:00:05,115 --> 02:00:10,787 (SINGING) Memory, all alone in the moonlight 2336 02:00:12,747 --> 02:00:15,959 can't wait till the morning 2337 02:00:17,877 --> 02:00:19,337 (BREATHING HEAVILY) 2338 02:00:26,803 --> 02:00:29,139 Are my parents getting a divorce? 2339 02:00:32,142 --> 02:00:34,602 Why... Why... Why do you ask that? 2340 02:00:35,270 --> 02:00:38,940 Just, like, I can tell. They're always fighting and... 2341 02:00:39,441 --> 02:00:41,191 How does that make you feel? 2342 02:00:41,192 --> 02:00:47,615 Well, he's already away a lot, so it doesn't really matter that much, but... 2343 02:00:47,949 --> 02:00:48,950 GEORGE: Uh-huh. 2344 02:00:49,701 --> 02:00:51,744 That wouldn't be fun. 2345 02:00:51,745 --> 02:00:54,580 Maybe it would be better if they were separated. 2346 02:00:54,581 --> 02:00:55,706 MABLE: Mmm-mmm. 2347 02:00:55,707 --> 02:00:57,082 No? 2348 02:00:57,083 --> 02:00:59,627 - That's not good. - Right. 2349 02:01:21,441 --> 02:01:22,609 Clarke? 2350 02:01:24,486 --> 02:01:28,697 Laura, what are you doing here? 2351 02:01:28,698 --> 02:01:30,492 I don't know. 2352 02:01:31,034 --> 02:01:34,953 WOMAN ON PA: Mr Way Chen, you need to get to the information desk. Thank you. 2353 02:01:34,954 --> 02:01:37,248 (SPEAKING MANDARIN) 2354 02:01:37,791 --> 02:01:40,042 You've reached Ira. Please leave me a message. Thank you. 2355 02:01:40,043 --> 02:01:41,168 (BEEPS) 2356 02:01:41,169 --> 02:01:43,003 Where are you? You gotta come back here. 2357 02:01:43,004 --> 02:01:46,048 I think I'm getting... I'm getting lonely here. 2358 02:01:46,049 --> 02:01:49,010 I need some help. Just, seriously, hurry up. 2359 02:01:49,969 --> 02:01:53,681 I don't trust you. Am I imagining things? 2360 02:01:55,225 --> 02:01:57,559 You're not imagining anything, honey. 2361 02:01:57,560 --> 02:01:58,727 (SIGHS) 2362 02:01:58,728 --> 02:02:01,814 Two times. That's all I did was two times. 2363 02:02:01,815 --> 02:02:04,399 And I don't want to ruin everything just 'cause of two fucking times. 2364 02:02:04,400 --> 02:02:06,027 She couldn't even speak English. 2365 02:02:10,073 --> 02:02:12,241 Look at our life. You're driving the kids to school. 2366 02:02:12,242 --> 02:02:14,284 You're picking them up. You're like a single mother. 2367 02:02:14,285 --> 02:02:17,162 And you're not a single mom. You're my wife. You're my baby. 2368 02:02:17,163 --> 02:02:19,957 I shouldn't be in China 2369 02:02:19,958 --> 02:02:23,335 trying to sell Oreos to people who don't want to fucking talk to me. 2370 02:02:23,336 --> 02:02:26,421 I'm gonna get a normal job. I'm gonna be just around the corner. 2371 02:02:26,422 --> 02:02:29,050 It's just gonna be you, me and the kids. 2372 02:02:29,467 --> 02:02:33,221 - All I want is a fresh start. - Yeah. 2373 02:02:40,937 --> 02:02:42,437 (GRUNTING) Oh. 2374 02:02:42,438 --> 02:02:43,439 Yeah. 2375 02:02:47,443 --> 02:02:50,195 The George Simmons thing was just a flirtation. 2376 02:02:50,196 --> 02:02:54,117 It was nothing. He really was sick. He just got better. 2377 02:02:55,159 --> 02:02:57,119 - I'm so fucking glad. - Yeah. 2378 02:02:57,120 --> 02:03:00,331 I really like him. I do. I don't want to hate him. 2379 02:03:01,332 --> 02:03:03,126 I fucking love you. 2380 02:03:11,426 --> 02:03:12,427 Ira! 2381 02:03:14,929 --> 02:03:16,722 Hey! 2382 02:03:16,723 --> 02:03:18,015 What are you doing here? 2383 02:03:18,016 --> 02:03:21,394 (CHUCKLING) I'm going back to Los Angeles. 2384 02:03:22,186 --> 02:03:24,605 - LA? - Yeah. 2385 02:03:24,606 --> 02:03:26,773 You're in the Great China Air First Class Lounge, mate. 2386 02:03:26,774 --> 02:03:31,112 - What are you doing? - Oh, shit, this is a confusing airport. 2387 02:03:31,279 --> 02:03:34,114 I thought this was Panda Express. 2388 02:03:34,115 --> 02:03:36,909 Well, it's good to see you guys, though. 2389 02:03:36,910 --> 02:03:40,120 What's going on? Laura? 2390 02:03:40,121 --> 02:03:44,834 - What the hell is going on? - Ask her. 2391 02:03:45,585 --> 02:03:47,920 I was so mad at you for the way that you've been treating me 2392 02:03:47,921 --> 02:03:51,089 that I was on my way here to tell you tonight 2393 02:03:51,090 --> 02:03:53,175 to find another place to live when you got back. 2394 02:03:53,176 --> 02:03:54,509 - But then... - I came here to stop her. 2395 02:03:54,510 --> 02:03:58,764 - CLARKE: Shut the fuck up. - I slept with George once, but it's over. 2396 02:03:58,765 --> 02:04:01,350 It's done. And it was no big deal. 2397 02:04:01,351 --> 02:04:02,559 (CLARKE BREATHING HEAVILY) 2398 02:04:02,560 --> 02:04:06,229 We didn't even have sex. He just went down on me. 2399 02:04:06,230 --> 02:04:08,899 - (SIGHS) That's worse. - CLARKE: Crikey. 2400 02:04:08,900 --> 02:04:11,319 He manipulated me with his disease! 2401 02:04:13,154 --> 02:04:15,864 Where is he? George, where is he? 2402 02:04:15,865 --> 02:04:18,951 - He's at your house. - He's at our house? 2403 02:04:18,952 --> 02:04:20,911 With our kids? 2404 02:04:20,912 --> 02:04:22,454 LAURA: Please don't get that look on your face. 2405 02:04:22,455 --> 02:04:23,914 Please don't get that look on your face. 2406 02:04:23,915 --> 02:04:25,040 - It was a mistake. - I'm gonna kill him. 2407 02:04:25,041 --> 02:04:27,250 No, no, no, no, no. 2408 02:04:27,251 --> 02:04:29,920 - I'm sorry. - You're sorry? 2409 02:04:29,921 --> 02:04:31,254 - I came here to stop... - Who are you? 2410 02:04:31,255 --> 02:04:32,673 - I don't know. - Who are you? 2411 02:04:32,674 --> 02:04:35,676 - What are you doing here? - I was trying to help you. 2412 02:04:35,677 --> 02:04:39,012 - Get the fuck out of my life! - Okay. 2413 02:04:39,013 --> 02:04:43,809 Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. 2414 02:04:43,810 --> 02:04:48,398 Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God, where is it? 2415 02:04:50,024 --> 02:04:53,903 So stupid! Stupid shit! 2416 02:04:57,573 --> 02:05:00,993 I wanted to tell you I miss you. I miss your kisses. 2417 02:05:00,994 --> 02:05:04,664 I miss your short skirts. And I miss your smell. 2418 02:05:07,875 --> 02:05:09,334 Get the BabyBjörn. 2419 02:05:09,335 --> 02:05:10,460 (GIRLS LAUGHING) 2420 02:05:10,461 --> 02:05:12,087 We're gonna go find that wizard. 2421 02:05:12,088 --> 02:05:14,841 Hey, girls. You look so cute. 2422 02:05:15,925 --> 02:05:17,634 You, outside. 2423 02:05:17,635 --> 02:05:19,804 - Is he in trouble? - Yes. 2424 02:05:26,519 --> 02:05:28,228 - What's gonna happen? - I don't know. 2425 02:05:28,229 --> 02:05:30,772 - What do you think I did? - Oh, shit! 2426 02:05:30,773 --> 02:05:33,775 - Your friend sold you out, mate! - LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke! 2427 02:05:33,776 --> 02:05:35,610 - CLARKE: You think this is a game? - Stop it! 2428 02:05:35,611 --> 02:05:38,613 What'd you think you were gonna do? Come in and just fuck up my family? 2429 02:05:38,614 --> 02:05:40,365 IRA: Stop it! CLARKE: Is that what you thought? 2430 02:05:40,366 --> 02:05:41,533 Stop it. Stop. No, no, no, no! 2431 02:05:41,534 --> 02:05:42,701 GEORGE: I didn't fucking do anything! 2432 02:05:42,702 --> 02:05:43,827 This sort of shit I kill for! 2433 02:05:43,828 --> 02:05:46,455 - Don't kill him! Don't kill him! - You stupid shit! 2434 02:05:46,456 --> 02:05:48,623 - No! - Fuck, man! 2435 02:05:48,624 --> 02:05:50,375 - Come here! - Run, George! 2436 02:05:50,376 --> 02:05:52,503 Don't hurt him, you maniac! 2437 02:05:53,671 --> 02:05:56,007 - Cut the shit, guys! - Stop it! 2438 02:05:57,383 --> 02:06:00,635 IRA: Run, George! You're cornering yourself! Go that way! 2439 02:06:00,636 --> 02:06:02,095 - Get away from me! - Take it like a man, George! 2440 02:06:02,096 --> 02:06:04,056 Get away from me, you fucking crazy asshole! 2441 02:06:04,057 --> 02:06:08,101 You fucking asshole! Get away! 2442 02:06:08,102 --> 02:06:11,813 - Oh, my God. - She's not happy with you! 2443 02:06:11,814 --> 02:06:14,525 No one who's married is happy, you idiot! 2444 02:06:15,401 --> 02:06:17,819 Get in a ball, George! Get in a ball! 2445 02:06:17,820 --> 02:06:19,571 Fight like a man! Get on your feet, would you? 2446 02:06:19,572 --> 02:06:22,657 I don't know how to fight! I'm a comedian, you fucking asshole! 2447 02:06:22,658 --> 02:06:25,494 - Should I jump in? - No! No! Don't jump in! 2448 02:06:25,495 --> 02:06:27,579 Just get away from me, man! You traitor! 2449 02:06:27,580 --> 02:06:31,083 - Go get more cigarettes, you liar! - IRA: I accomplished nothing! 2450 02:06:31,084 --> 02:06:33,085 They made up before I got there! 2451 02:06:33,086 --> 02:06:34,211 (BOTH GRUNTING) 2452 02:06:34,212 --> 02:06:38,840 - Where's your helmet now, Yankee? - Let's talk! Clarke! 2453 02:06:38,841 --> 02:06:42,469 - LAURA: Clarke, no! - Come on, pussy! 2454 02:06:42,470 --> 02:06:43,471 Help! 2455 02:06:44,514 --> 02:06:46,932 - All right! - Stop! 2456 02:06:46,933 --> 02:06:48,767 - IRA: I got him! I got him! - You don't want this, Schmira. 2457 02:06:48,768 --> 02:06:50,519 You don't want a piece of me, Schmira! 2458 02:06:50,520 --> 02:06:52,230 I am gonna love this! 2459 02:06:52,647 --> 02:06:53,814 (GROANS) 2460 02:06:53,815 --> 02:06:55,315 God! 2461 02:06:55,316 --> 02:06:58,026 You son of a bitch! I knew you didn't want me to be happy! 2462 02:06:58,027 --> 02:07:01,238 What are you doing, man? Look at this! You fucking suck! 2463 02:07:01,239 --> 02:07:02,781 - You've gone crazy! - You're a lightweight... 2464 02:07:02,782 --> 02:07:06,576 - Get away from me, man! - ...named Ira Wiener! Ira Wiener! 2465 02:07:06,577 --> 02:07:08,620 - You should have died! - Well, I ain't going nowhere! 2466 02:07:08,621 --> 02:07:10,288 - I'm never gonna die! - I hope you die! 2467 02:07:10,289 --> 02:07:12,124 - I'm never gonna die, baby! - Die! 2468 02:07:12,125 --> 02:07:13,416 - Boys, stop it! - IRA: I hope you die! I hate you! 2469 02:07:13,417 --> 02:07:14,960 I know what you're trying to do, the pair of you! 2470 02:07:14,961 --> 02:07:17,003 You're trying to distract me so I won't hit him! 2471 02:07:17,004 --> 02:07:19,506 - Lac: key! Lackey! - IRA: Wait! 2472 02:07:19,507 --> 02:07:21,591 Oh, shit, Clarke! Dude! 2473 02:07:21,592 --> 02:07:22,926 Are you okay, George? 2474 02:07:22,927 --> 02:07:24,845 Where's your stunt man now, hey? 2475 02:07:24,846 --> 02:07:28,307 - Stop it! - Will you stop hitting me? 2476 02:07:29,433 --> 02:07:32,019 I'm better now, but it can come back! 2477 02:07:33,729 --> 02:07:36,149 Laura, tell him. Tell him what you told me. 2478 02:07:36,691 --> 02:07:40,111 Tell him that you love me more than you love him. Tell him! 2479 02:07:40,361 --> 02:07:43,739 Yeah, when she told you that, did she think you were dying, huh? 2480 02:07:44,448 --> 02:07:46,993 Tell him. Tell him. Is it me or him? 2481 02:07:50,037 --> 02:07:55,835 - Him. - What? Come on! Are you serious? 2482 02:07:56,794 --> 02:07:59,881 He's my husband. We have a family. 2483 02:08:00,798 --> 02:08:02,258 I love him. 2484 02:08:02,717 --> 02:08:05,970 And you didn't even cry when Mable sang Cats. 2485 02:08:06,596 --> 02:08:08,139 What's the matter with you? 2486 02:08:08,848 --> 02:08:13,644 I didn't want to lie. I don't know. I've seen it on Broadway before. 2487 02:08:14,979 --> 02:08:16,939 It wasn't as good as it. 2488 02:08:18,608 --> 02:08:22,486 - What are you guys doing on the lawn? - I'm hungry! 2489 02:08:23,237 --> 02:08:26,406 Nothing. We're just... We're just mucking around. 2490 02:08:26,407 --> 02:08:28,451 Come on. Go back inside. 2491 02:08:34,790 --> 02:08:38,836 Sorry, George. I'll always love you. 2492 02:08:39,879 --> 02:08:43,633 - But what are we gonna do? - I love you. 2493 02:08:44,550 --> 02:08:46,886 I'm sorry I came up here. I shouldn't have come. 2494 02:08:48,054 --> 02:08:49,680 No, I'm glad you did. 2495 02:08:50,932 --> 02:08:52,642 Maybe when we're 70? 2496 02:08:54,977 --> 02:08:57,104 I hope you find a way to be happy. 2497 02:08:57,647 --> 02:09:00,566 Shit. He's coming back. He's coming back. Let's go. 2498 02:09:01,275 --> 02:09:02,776 LAURA: Clarke. 2499 02:09:02,777 --> 02:09:06,613 You know what? I've just worked out why all this shit has happened. 2500 02:09:06,614 --> 02:09:08,949 In the East, they call this karma. 2501 02:09:08,950 --> 02:09:13,203 And I have brought all this shit upon us with my misbehaviour. 2502 02:09:13,204 --> 02:09:15,289 That's why all this shit has happened. 2503 02:09:15,915 --> 02:09:17,583 This had to happen. 2504 02:09:18,376 --> 02:09:20,628 But some good shit's gonna come from this. 2505 02:09:21,087 --> 02:09:23,672 We have to learn from this, you know, all of us. 2506 02:09:23,673 --> 02:09:25,591 There's a good lesson here. 2507 02:09:27,051 --> 02:09:29,595 Underneath anger is hurt, 2508 02:09:30,680 --> 02:09:34,016 but underneath hurt is love. 2509 02:09:34,725 --> 02:09:36,143 You feel it? 2510 02:09:39,313 --> 02:09:40,647 Okay? 2511 02:09:40,648 --> 02:09:42,899 - Yeah. Thank you. - I'm sorry about this. 2512 02:09:42,900 --> 02:09:45,820 Yeah, yeah. Don't worry about it. 2513 02:10:01,836 --> 02:10:03,503 Do you want me to drive? 2514 02:10:03,504 --> 02:10:07,258 (SIGHS) No, you don't have to drive me. I'll drive myself. 2515 02:10:08,217 --> 02:10:12,430 In fact, you're never gonna have to drive me again because you're fired, Ira. 2516 02:10:12,847 --> 02:10:15,181 You're the only person that I've ever heard of 2517 02:10:15,182 --> 02:10:17,392 that learnt nothing from a near-death experience, George. 2518 02:10:17,393 --> 02:10:19,102 You went backwards. You're worse. 2519 02:10:19,103 --> 02:10:21,396 You know what I am? A good friend. 2520 02:10:21,397 --> 02:10:24,983 I would never run to the airport and rat somebody out. 2521 02:10:24,984 --> 02:10:28,737 I don't have that in my DNA. That's not a friend, man. 2522 02:10:28,738 --> 02:10:31,197 A friend tells you. A friend comes up to you and says, 2523 02:10:31,198 --> 02:10:33,408 "Hey, you're in a heap of shit. You better not do it." 2524 02:10:33,409 --> 02:10:36,536 He doesn't run and tell the fucking girl. 2525 02:10:36,537 --> 02:10:37,662 - Well... - Wow. 2526 02:10:37,663 --> 02:10:39,831 Good. Fire me. I don't want to be around you any more, 2527 02:10:39,832 --> 02:10:42,042 'cause you are fucking contagious! 2528 02:10:42,043 --> 02:10:44,377 You think I can't get another assistant? 2529 02:10:44,378 --> 02:10:47,047 I can't get someone else to write jokes for me? 2530 02:10:47,048 --> 02:10:50,885 You think I'm gonna lay in my bed going, "Aw, I miss my Schmira"? 2531 02:10:51,469 --> 02:10:54,554 You're a fucking no-thought. That's the beauty. 2532 02:10:54,555 --> 02:10:57,349 Once you're gone it never comes back in my brain. 2533 02:10:57,350 --> 02:10:58,975 You think getting Laura would have made you happy? 2534 02:10:58,976 --> 02:11:00,894 - I know so. - You think if you had a family right now, 2535 02:11:00,895 --> 02:11:02,270 you would be happy? 2536 02:11:02,271 --> 02:11:05,565 You'll never be happy, 'cause you're always gonna be stuck with yourself! 2537 02:11:05,566 --> 02:11:11,279 Unless somehow you can get away from you, you're always gonna be miserable, George. 2538 02:11:11,280 --> 02:11:13,406 You are not funny. 2539 02:11:13,407 --> 02:11:17,912 Well, if that means I'm less like you, then good, I don't want to be funny, okay? 2540 02:11:18,496 --> 02:11:20,456 Mission accomplished, Ira. 2541 02:11:21,957 --> 02:11:23,501 Bad career choice. 2542 02:11:24,168 --> 02:11:27,420 Comedy usually is for funny people. 2543 02:11:27,421 --> 02:11:28,631 Gotcha. 2544 02:11:33,094 --> 02:11:34,470 (SIGHS) 2545 02:11:45,523 --> 02:11:47,315 (TYRES SCREECHING) 2546 02:11:47,316 --> 02:11:48,401 (GROANS) 2547 02:12:28,107 --> 02:12:30,733 Chances are you've got a lot of stuff stuffed in your drawers and closets 2548 02:12:30,734 --> 02:12:31,860 that you don't really need. 2549 02:12:31,861 --> 02:12:34,572 Mary Bolster is editor-in-chief of Natural Health magazine. 2550 02:12:34,780 --> 02:12:37,782 She's here to help you get trashing, bagging and get organised. 2551 02:12:37,783 --> 02:12:39,492 - Hello, Mary. - MARY: Hi, Hoda. 2552 02:12:39,493 --> 02:12:42,621 HODA: Okay, we do save things for the wackiest reasons. 2553 02:12:46,208 --> 02:12:47,835 (WHISPERING) Good morning. Hi. 2554 02:12:49,879 --> 02:12:52,297 I think I'm gonna forgive him today. 2555 02:12:52,298 --> 02:12:53,591 - What? Really? - Yeah. 2556 02:12:54,091 --> 02:12:55,967 Great! That's great news! 2557 02:12:55,968 --> 02:12:58,636 He's just gonna be so jealous that I'm on Yo Teach...! You know? 2558 02:12:58,637 --> 02:13:00,638 I just figured it'd be a cool thing to do. 2559 02:13:00,639 --> 02:13:03,559 Well, maybe we could find something for him. 2560 02:13:04,059 --> 02:13:08,271 You know, if it comes up organically, definitely, but we shouldn't force it. 2561 02:13:08,272 --> 02:13:09,564 - You know? - Right. 2562 02:13:09,565 --> 02:13:11,525 I don't want to be on Yo Teach...! 2563 02:13:12,735 --> 02:13:15,529 - It's okay. I forgave you, you know? - Thank you. 2564 02:13:16,739 --> 02:13:20,534 So, how'd everything go up there this weekend? 2565 02:13:21,243 --> 02:13:26,248 I think I did the right thing, but George fired me and punched me in the face. 2566 02:13:28,250 --> 02:13:30,920 - You want to talk about it? - No. 2567 02:13:32,421 --> 02:13:35,758 I kind of wish you would. It sounds like the greatest story, ever. 2568 02:13:37,510 --> 02:13:39,845 Wake me up at 2:00. I'll tell you about it. 2569 02:13:40,930 --> 02:13:45,016 - Well, we're glad you're back. - Glad you're home. 2570 02:13:45,017 --> 02:13:47,561 I can't believe I have to start all over again. 2571 02:13:48,729 --> 02:13:51,315 Hey, man, how you doing? 2572 02:13:51,649 --> 02:13:54,901 Hey, how you doing? Heard you were sick. You feeling better now? Over here! 2573 02:13:54,902 --> 02:13:57,529 MAN: George, second lease on life. What are you gonna do now? 2574 02:13:57,530 --> 02:13:58,696 - Hey, guys, come on. - Come on, I heard rumours 2575 02:13:58,697 --> 02:14:00,156 about another baby movie. What do you got, huh? 2576 02:14:00,157 --> 02:14:02,242 Yeah, yeah, we're gonna shoot that. That should be good. 2577 02:14:02,243 --> 02:14:04,161 Gonna start that in a little bit. Let me get by you, though. 2578 02:14:16,549 --> 02:14:20,386 - It's nice up here, huh? - Yeah. How'd you find it? 2579 02:14:21,595 --> 02:14:24,514 Me and my friends, we hike up here and I always thought, 2580 02:14:24,515 --> 02:14:28,227 "You know, that'd be a great place to take a woman if you... If you knew one." 2581 02:14:29,436 --> 02:14:31,605 - Well, now you know one. - Good. 2582 02:14:43,409 --> 02:14:45,202 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 2583 02:14:47,204 --> 02:14:49,290 - Hey, I'm gonna give him the light. - Thanks, Mark. 2584 02:14:51,208 --> 02:14:52,876 Bailey, you're number two. 2585 02:14:59,800 --> 02:15:01,718 Hey, Ira. How you doing? 2586 02:15:01,719 --> 02:15:03,970 - Good. How you doing? - RANDY: Wassup, big money? 2587 02:15:03,971 --> 02:15:07,600 - You guys know each other? - Yes. I've seen this young Jewish comedian. 2588 02:15:08,183 --> 02:15:09,976 Randy, what's happening? 2589 02:15:09,977 --> 02:15:13,105 I saw this cat down at Otto's yesterday. Made me a little panini. 2590 02:15:14,064 --> 02:15:16,609 Grilled chicken pesto. Shit was nice. 2591 02:15:17,026 --> 02:15:19,194 Yeah, I'm working at Otto's again. 2592 02:15:20,154 --> 02:15:21,572 GEORGE: So, you're going up? 2593 02:15:21,905 --> 02:15:24,491 Yeah, I'm about to go up now. See you guys. 2594 02:15:26,243 --> 02:15:27,369 Later! 2595 02:15:29,163 --> 02:15:31,539 Thank you. Thank you. 2596 02:15:31,540 --> 02:15:35,126 My friends are very sexually aggressive, which is hard for me. 2597 02:15:35,127 --> 02:15:37,045 You know, we'll watch television and they'll just see... 2598 02:15:37,046 --> 02:15:39,047 A hot girl will come on and they'll just be, 2599 02:15:39,048 --> 02:15:42,592 "Man, I wanna fuck the shit out of that girl, man! 2600 02:15:42,593 --> 02:15:44,385 I'm gonna fuck that girl!" 2601 02:15:44,386 --> 02:15:47,263 And I, like, can't even say that. I can't even pretend I would do that. 2602 02:15:47,264 --> 02:15:52,061 I see a hot girl on TV and I'm like, "Man, I would friend the shit out of her! 2603 02:15:53,270 --> 02:15:58,067 "I'd friend her all night! I would be her girlfriend! 2604 02:15:58,567 --> 02:16:01,528 "I would drive her to the airport, man! 2605 02:16:02,863 --> 02:16:06,784 "I would hold her purse while she shopped, all over her tits!" 2606 02:16:07,534 --> 02:16:09,119 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 2607 02:16:13,749 --> 02:16:15,042 Thank you. 2608 02:16:16,043 --> 02:16:19,546 Hi, I need a pound of turkey and a half-pint of macaroni salad, please. 2609 02:16:21,006 --> 02:16:22,173 (CLEARS THROAT) 2610 02:16:22,174 --> 02:16:25,219 - Um. Yeah, I'll just be one sec, okay? - Okay, thanks. 2611 02:16:26,428 --> 02:16:28,346 (IMITATING OLD WOMAN) The last time I came here, 2612 02:16:28,347 --> 02:16:32,058 the roast beef you gave me had the string still around it 2613 02:16:32,059 --> 02:16:36,730 and I was unaware of this and fed it to my husband, and he choked. 2614 02:16:40,317 --> 02:16:41,902 How's it going, George? 2615 02:16:43,278 --> 02:16:46,906 You get a break or anything where you can talk? 2616 02:16:46,907 --> 02:16:50,494 Okay, yeah. Sure. Chuck, I'll be one sec, okay, man? 2617 02:16:52,371 --> 02:16:53,706 Shit. 2618 02:16:54,748 --> 02:16:55,749 (CAMERA CLICKS) 2619 02:16:59,294 --> 02:17:00,295 (SIGHS) 2620 02:17:06,051 --> 02:17:08,554 So, you had to get your job back here, huh? 2621 02:17:10,180 --> 02:17:14,268 Yeah. You know, I figured I could use a little job stability. 2622 02:17:14,977 --> 02:17:16,186 Oh, I'm sorry. 2623 02:17:16,854 --> 02:17:20,149 I get health insurance. It's pretty good. 2624 02:17:20,858 --> 02:17:27,114 So, I thought a lot about what you said in the car to me. 2625 02:17:28,073 --> 02:17:31,785 A few of those things might have been accurate. 2626 02:17:32,703 --> 02:17:36,498 You tried to help me and I'm sorry I put you in the middle of all that stuff. 2627 02:17:37,166 --> 02:17:40,042 I'm better in my body. 2628 02:17:40,043 --> 02:17:43,756 My brain has a ways to go, though. 2629 02:17:45,966 --> 02:17:48,552 How are you doing, though? You're doing okay? 2630 02:17:52,431 --> 02:17:53,891 I don't know, Ira. 2631 02:17:58,437 --> 02:17:59,438 I... 2632 02:18:00,063 --> 02:18:03,400 I caught your whole set the other night, Ira. Nice. 2633 02:18:04,067 --> 02:18:05,860 Yeah, yeah, no, you're getting a rhythm. 2634 02:18:05,861 --> 02:18:10,072 You're starting to be the Ira I like in real life onstage. 2635 02:18:10,073 --> 02:18:12,867 Thanks. Yeah, I've been getting up a lot lately, so it's going well. 2636 02:18:12,868 --> 02:18:15,954 Yeah, you were funny, and it was a fart-free set. 2637 02:18:16,330 --> 02:18:20,333 I wrote some stuff down that night that... Some jokes. 2638 02:18:20,334 --> 02:18:24,003 - You want to hear it? - You what? 2639 02:18:24,004 --> 02:18:27,257 I couldn't stop thinking of jokes for you last night. It was bizarre. 2640 02:18:27,966 --> 02:18:30,969 I'm not saying they're good jokes, but I try. 2641 02:18:33,013 --> 02:18:34,514 You actually wrote them down! 2642 02:18:34,515 --> 02:18:37,100 Yeah, yeah, yeah. My fucking memory's horrible. 2643 02:18:37,810 --> 02:18:41,730 That thing you did about the Wii Fit thing. What's that? 2644 02:18:42,189 --> 02:18:43,940 - Oh, like, "My video game..." - Yeah. 2645 02:18:43,941 --> 02:18:45,817 "My video game told me I'm fat?" 2646 02:18:45,818 --> 02:18:47,693 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - "The ultimate betrayal." Yeah. 2647 02:18:47,694 --> 02:18:52,365 Right, right. You could maybe say, "I mean, that's like my pot telling me I'm lazy." 2648 02:18:52,366 --> 02:18:53,741 Oh, that's really funny. 2649 02:18:53,742 --> 02:18:57,703 "And the Wii is similar to my grandmother. She used to tell me I'm getting chubby 2650 02:18:57,704 --> 02:19:00,832 "and then bring me chicken parmesan and say, 'Why are you so fat?"' 2651 02:19:00,833 --> 02:19:03,292 (LAUGHING) That's really funny! 2652 02:19:03,293 --> 02:19:06,504 It's true. The video game made me fat and... It is like my grandmother. 2653 02:19:06,505 --> 02:19:07,672 - All right. - "Why are you so fat? 2654 02:19:07,673 --> 02:19:09,507 "Here's four gallons of chocolate milk." 2655 02:19:09,508 --> 02:19:11,092 - That's good! - She would always do that. 2656 02:19:11,093 --> 02:19:13,052 - That's good. - I got one I've been afraid to tell, 2657 02:19:13,053 --> 02:19:16,973 kind of, about, like, Viagra. It's like, "My grandfather takes Viagra 2658 02:19:16,974 --> 02:19:20,017 "and he thought he was tittie-fucking my grandmother..." 2659 02:19:20,018 --> 02:19:21,602 - Yeah? - "But then he realised he was tittie-fucking 2660 02:19:21,603 --> 02:19:23,354 "his own balls." 2661 02:19:23,355 --> 02:19:24,564 (BOTH LAUGHING) 2662 02:19:24,565 --> 02:19:27,358 - That's funny! You got to do that! - That's pretty funny, huh? 2663 02:19:27,359 --> 02:19:30,111 You got to say that the thing... That when you're that old 2664 02:19:30,112 --> 02:19:32,655 and you have a boner that there's not a good position, you know? 2665 02:19:32,656 --> 02:19:33,906 That's funny! That's really... 2666 02:19:33,907 --> 02:19:37,535 You do it doggy-style, your knees hurt. You get water on your knee. 2667 02:19:37,536 --> 02:19:39,370 - "I can't even hold myself up in..." - Exactly. 2668 02:19:39,371 --> 02:19:41,248 - "What would an old man do?" - Yeah... 2669 02:19:41,540 --> 02:19:43,333 (ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 2670 02:21:53,672 --> 02:21:55,423 WARREN ZEVON: Let's do another bad one then 2671 02:21:55,424 --> 02:21:58,969 'cause I like it when the blood drains from David's face. 2672 02:21:59,386 --> 02:22:01,138 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 2673 02:23:56,628 --> 02:23:57,753 MABLE: Okay. 2674 02:23:57,754 --> 02:23:59,798 (SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING) 2675 02:24:25,574 --> 02:24:32,079 (SINGING) Burnt-out ends of smoky days. 2676 02:24:32,080 --> 02:24:37,836 The stale cold smell of morning. 2677 02:24:39,379 --> 02:24:45,677 The streetlamp dies, another night is over. 2678 02:24:46,344 --> 02:24:51,975 Another day is dawning. 2679 02:24:53,768 --> 02:24:59,107 Touch me It's so easy to leave me. 2680 02:24:59,691 --> 02:25:06,198 All alone with the memory Of my days in the sun. 2681 02:25:07,574 --> 02:25:13,914 If you touch me You'll understand what happiness is. 2682 02:25:15,123 --> 02:25:19,710 Look, a new day 2683 02:25:19,711 --> 02:25:24,382 has begun 229120

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